Thanks to the admin “Antonio” for the fast response.

It’s all about learnig to Set Limits- the one thing i never have been able to do in casinos.

But that might be the general problem of an addicted person. People who set their Limits in casino, and accept them without looking for next casino when Limit full used.
these People maybe also have no problems in their daily life limiting other People and their needs, and regcognice the own needs.

My aunt told me yesterday “the task is not to deal with all needs of the People arround you (and run once a week to the therapist who helps handle that stuff), it is to set boundaries which help you not feel overloaded”..

She might be right with it. Maybe this perspective is the right one for me and my personality.

Hi Kin ??, i’m happy that i found this forum. I have installed the gamban App and got access to this Page. I’m from tirol (Austria) and here are no gambling addiction help groups. To write here seems to help me a lot. And helps me to stay on the straight way i want to stay. How do you do in your life at the moment?

One thing that frightens me at the moment, is the next payment day when i get my money. (30th every month)
Thats the time what will show if my mind will be clear and strong enough to stand the urge to gamble.
I will try to come continually to this platform and write down my sorrows and other stuff which comes through my mind. Thanks to the People who do the same and read that ??

Thank you. You’re absolutly right with your words. If you like, i’d be very happy if you remind me on that. To take care when the dangerous times come every month. Until the last jears i gave my boyfriend 50% of my money every month that he puts it away from me, that the damage is not so big that it would ruin me completly. But i’d like to have all my money safe in future. Yaeh, you said really true words- dont put yourself in danger. I’ll tell myself as a mantra from now on. Thank you ??

I’ve seen that my post about “god” has been reported as “inappropriate content”.. ??????

I’ve read a few posts with content about seeking god and things like that.
Can i get an answer what is so wrong about mine?

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by sarahluna88.

I saved my text and put it into my own topic. Down is the copy of it.
I think addiction and seeking of spiritual sence is often next to each other. When you get away from your addiction there is often a big black hole in you, wahts needed to be filled with something else, something worthfull with meaning. For some people it might be sport, that helps a lot, but for a lot of us it might be not enough. Looking for a deeper sence in life might give the strengh to go on. For me this posting is absolutly not “inappropriate content”. Sence of life sticks together with addiction, in my picture of life. Its absolutly ok when somebody else doesnt think this way. I also found a lot of things here which i might not agree for me in my life, but i never would mind that. This should be a “journal section” where people can write down their thoughts- but with walls in my head, of what is allowed to think and write, its impossible to write again.

》》》This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.《《《

One thing about god.. most time of my life i was thinking about god and why we are might be here in this world.
About one aspect i’m really sure, god is in you and always with you. To be with god doesnt mean to make no mistakes. God gives you the free will to make your mistakes and to learn from them. Thats true and real sence of love. Let someone the free decicion, to go away from you- and come back when the time is right again.
A spiritual teacher told me once this sentence “we are sprit, making a human-earth-expirience”
Thats what it’s all about. Spirit, our soul, which wants to explore all the diffrent aspects of life and reality. In this concept of thinking, there might be reincarnation- without that it might make no sence.

Wiriting my thoughts seems a good method to reflect my self, and to see myself from outside, from a higher perspective. I’m in therapy for addiction now about 5 jears, i wonder why my therapist never told me, that this might help.
Another good idea i found, is “to draw two possible pictures of my future” one side with what might be the way of life without gambling, and on the other side what it would be when i go on with it like i did the last 15 jears. To remind my self on the possible future helps me to understand that it needs to take a lot of small steps to create a new life, and many single small decicions against every thought which makes me want gamble. Maybe these steps aren’t as small as they might look like. Maybe their’e the biggest steps ive made in my whole life.

Picture of two possible ways

A.)
After 15 jears gambling i’ve went on with it the whole rest of my life. I’m 68 jears old now, and i’m living in a little flat. I’m feeling devastetad. Why did I do all that to myself?
Why i wasnt been able to care for myself?
Its never to late to make a change, but i really doubt i can do this kind of change.
All this beautiful dreams of life i’ve had, theire all destroid by the destructive part of myself.

Cause I’ve always lied to myself with thinking “next month I really quit gambling” after I smashed my plan from last month, quitting gambling next month.

So the months went on, got into jears and into nearly five decades of self destruction. What can i say at the end of this life?
I really know what it’s ment to be an addict. But should this knowlege be the only real topic on which i got an expert?
I wish i could go back in time and tell my jounger self that it has to stop. Still stop now. To stop now would be the greatest Jackpot of life. And prevent this terrible summary of wrong choices over a whole lifetime.

B.)
I’m really proud of quitting gamble in my middle 30’s. It’s been the most life-changing chioce i’ve ever made.
In my younger jears of life i’ve learnd a lot of what it’s ment to be an addict. About freedom and discipline, and how these two things necessiate each other.

All I’ve ever wanted was real true freedom. The jounger version of myself thought, freedom means you can do what you will every time you will. But that’s a big fallacy.

Without having the discipline and the right mindset to care for yourself, you’ll get in to deep trouble.
And if no one’s arround you who know’s you and has the will and time to help you out, you’ll end possibly as an addict like i did.

To realice the importance of discipline in all daily life situations, gave me the empowerment to free myself, into true freedom.

I recogniced that I must be this person who helps me out of that. Freedom doesnt mean to do every unhealthy thing you like, cause it gives you instant good feelings- no, especially it doesnt mean that.

Freedom means to be a master of own life, and thankfully care that life. Love myself, dont destroy myself.
Don’t gamble with health and money, which is needed in this world to create a fine way of living.

I always dreamed of a world without money, where all people help each other.
But at this time in which i’m living (if like it or not) money is needed. I can accept reality, or run against the same walls i did over jears.
Cause I never cared about having money, and did all that stupid things to throw my money out of the next window. I’m happy that my jounger self decided one moment in time, to end this. Thank you ??

I really wonder where kin has gone.. ?

A few minutes ago i saw a girl, same like i was about 20 jears ago. She wants to leave her moms house and went out in own flat. I did that at age 16, my mom payed that flat with dads money. But that was truely the last thing i wanted at this time. It was a teenage protest wich was one of the last trys to encourage my mom to take care for me. But it didnt work. I know the first day in this flat, i was sitting on the ground so terrible crying, cause my mom let me live in this terrible house without looking on me. My drug use expolded at this time, until i took so much magic mushrooms that i got into a total psychotic state of mind. But non of that helpd me at that time, with what i truely wanted, that my parents take care of me. That never happend in the way i needed. Its hard to care for yourself when you dont learn it from your parents. I saw in this girl the same kind of feelings, she doesnt like to leave, but she sees no other way. Is there a way to prevent trauma as a child?

Or might it be destiny what your childhood includes on trauma. When I see what one big trauma can do to your personality, it can change your way of living.
And the only chance you’ll have, is to process it over jears, in therapy if possible, or on your own.
But it might always take jears. And a lot of traumaticed people think, its theire own fault that they arent able to live a normal healthy life.

The problem is, that they never learnd to love themselfes. Cause parents had’nt been able to care in the right way. Parents like that might be not always bad people, but they have theire own trauma, what they were struggling with. It seems to be a trauma circle over generations.

The only way to stop this circle, is to recognice that you have always been a worthful human beeing, which just came (born) into very difficult circumstances of life.
There is no guilt of a child in anyway.
What helped me here also, was the perspective change into a higher position. A spiritual perspective.
Maybe our soul comes to this world, more than one time?
And maybe in my last life i’ve already had that parents who cared in the right way (?).. and what if my soul wants to see every possible aspect of beeing human?
This perspective on life makes the harder expiriences less harder. Cause it might be just a part of a very long story back to god- the center, the beginning and end of all living.
The question of guilt is the wrong approach, i think.
Better looking for solutions, accept the past.
Cause you’ll never can change it afterwards.
Create a picture of the best version of your self, and try to become that person,
step by step. You can give your self the absolotuion to be free from all bad behavior, when you learn to love and care for yourself.
Addiction is self destruction, self destruction just happens without enough love for me and myself. It’s ok how it is, it can become good in the future- if I create it.

In german language addiction means “sucht” an addicted person is a “süchtiger”- the word “sucht” is nearly the same like “suche” but suche means to search something. Its an interesting connection between theese words.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by sarahluna88.

Thank you for your response. I’ll do that. To write here helped me really a lot. I’ll try to meet the groups in the right time Uk/Austria is one hour different i saw last thursday ??. I’m happy to meet you there.

Very good perspective on putting away access to money is just making payday one day in month, thank you for this input ??. Patterns of behavior over jears in life needed to be deprogrammed in my software (my brain).
Since i’m writing in this forum, my daily behavior also has changed a bit. I’m less consuming entertainment like streams on YouTube or things like that. And i’m more thinking about me and reality. I’m also feeling a little bit better and more motivated. Thanks to all of you here.

I’ve tried a little experiment the a few days ago.. I left about 100€ on my bank account to test how it feels. My normal behavior in this situations has been to use it for slots in the next weak moment, or most time i’ve planned to use it. I’ll try to keep it this time, and watch myself what feelings might come and go.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by sarahluna88.

What It Is (English transaltion of “Was es ist” from Erich Fried)

It is nonsense
says reason
It is what it is
says love

It is calamity
says calculation
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It is hopeless
says insight
It is what it is
says love

It is ludicrous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love

I used the 100€ to pay a bill for my busticket. There were some few momemts where my brain had thoughts on gambling, but they were very short and less intense. But it had remind me not to gamble with health and money- so better give away paycheck in future

What me really wonders, is that there are not more active gamblers using this page. There are so many addicts, who struggle over jears, without any kind of therapy. Or they struggle so hard cause there is no therapy.
Gambling isn’t seen as such an hard addiction in society. I’ve talked to many doctors over the jears, about my problem, but nearly no one of them really knew more about problem gambling.
Thats a tragic situation i think. Gambling did the greatest damage of all the addictions I’ve ever had. A lot of other people in same situations expirienced it the same way, suicide thoughts, stealing money and food- such things make feel you like you are the worst peace of shit. To accept what you’ve done,
to finance your addiction is very hard when you’ve done such bad things. I just once stole 100€ from my boyfriend’s safe, that made me felt so terrible, that I never did again. But I’ve heard from fathers who stole money from their children, thats a hard fact to live with. Stay in focus, in this one position where you are in balance of your emotions and needs, might be the way to prevent more life destruction.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by sarahluna88.

Today i watched a lecture on YouTube about addiction. There was an interesting point- the speaker said “addiction is a disease like diabetes or other chronic diseases, but the addict has the key to change his situation by decicion- others doesn’t have this possibility”
Thats a good aspect of a bad thing, maybe if I’d have an other chronic disease and I’d heard that sentence, I’d might think, why couldn’t I “just” be an addict..

Today I’ve had a very emotional conversation with a mother at my age, who has a daughter at age 13.
She had a very good relationship with her daughter until last jear, when her daughter got into a new school and there were other children bullying her a lot-
so she got into a circle of aggresion against herself, her mother and family, and began to carve her own skin on legs and arms. She also started using drugs, a friend of her nearly died of an overdose.
A lot of that stuff reminded me on my past and my friends at that time.
The mother really fights for her daughter, but the only way she sees at the moment, is to put her away into a student home with very hard boundaries and lot of control, where they get something like an “ankle bracelet”..
I told her that she should do this, just a few time. Cause she lost control over her daughter, and she must prevent that her daughter brings herself in more danger. Maybe one time in future she will be thankful that her mother choose this way to take care for her, and not let her run away into more self destruction and danger drug use.
Cause the most important thing for parents in this situations might be, to not give up. And not let their child do whatever that child would do.

You’ll never know what might be the best solution, but you need to do something, to bring your child into a safe space, where damage could get reducted.

All well so far, thank you kin.
A few things happend in my life last 2 weeks. I wrote it down a few minutes ago, and it was deleated as i wanted to post it ??.
I will try it again when i’m at home

Last 2 weeks..
One absolut strange situation was that morning 2 weeks ago, i sat down in bus to work, and there was a mother of a girl which was a classmate of my brother at 16 and he liked her very much that time. She once was at home by my brother and that day my father saw her there. A little bit time after that he started a relationship with her- that might be not the best idea, but still not so bad like the shit he did to her. My father is an ingenieur and an architect, at that time he built a brothel in germany (he always was strange)
And the mother told me, her daughter told her totally under tears, that my father convey her to this brothel at age 17 (!) And told her she can use the “good money for less work” to finance her father a good hospice cause her father had cancer that time. (Wtf)
Out of the bus i wrote my father a massage with all that in it, and asked him what happend that time.
His answer was “she was just a little slut, which did everything for cocaine..”
My reaction to this was,”do you understand the problem her mother might have? Or the thousands of problems she still have, like drug addiction, schizophrenia and so on..? Cause she was really desorianted in her youth??
Like myself (!?)
Then he said, thats the guilt of her parents- my thought was (“fuck you look at me, and your guilt”) but i didnt say that. After back and forth he said he is responsible for all that shit what the mother told. And he is sorry for that. After this i really asked me, what do i really want from this guy? Is there a chance to find a father in such a man? Today i’m still not sure about the answer..

But the situation increased my critical thinking of man in general. I had a lot of problems to start relationships with man in my past, i thought i never will get it right. I was lesbian about 12 jears of my life, cause it all has to do with your parents. This situation now trigged some “manhate” in me- so that my boyfriend was really shocked why i look so bad at him.

There are a few deep problems which i havent seen jet in myself..

And the other one, i’ve lost a tooth last week- it still hurts and didnt stop bleeding over two days..
But interesting thing, gambling was no thought that time jet..

Hi kin ??, paymentday was no problem this month. Maybe it is, cause I need all my money for a big dentist bill in december (~3000€), what i absolutly need to pay. My money is still on my bankaccount, i’ll take it tomorrow morning in cash and give it to my boyfriend. But my mindset is much better since i’ve wrote a lot about me and myself.
When I need to do really important things, its in most cases no big deal for me to control myself. The dangerous times for me are when no big bills needed to get payed. Thank you very much for your reminding. How many jears do you have gambling problems?

Thank you for telling me your story. Helping other people with your own story is very powerful. I’m happy that you are here in this forum, and interact with everyone. Your posts reminded me to come and write again cause I get the info per mail ??
Who know’s whats the plan behind all these hard lifestorys. But this question isnt needed to be answerd, just stay on focus ??

Short self-report-
everything is alright so far.
I had a few short moments of gambling-thoughts but these had been “unconcios impulses” which I recogniced in the same second they came, and my inner self said “no way”. And they left as fast as they came. I know that this might be just a better period of time, and this wont be the usual process in this case in future, cause we all knew that there are times with more energylevel in life, and times with less. But for the moment I’m very happy with this way of beeing. And I’ll watch myself with hawk eyes if my behavior become diffrent. After so many jears I know the patterns when a change is coming. I can see it a few days before, when I avoid healthy food, or go outside in nature and watching more entertainment and less music. Then the dangerous times might start..

Two days ago a friend of mine told me, she went into a casino to play slots. She has the potencial to get addicted if she doesnt think about her actual behavior. I tried really hard to show her the dark sides of the shiny casino feeling, with all the funnny noises and colors of the slotmachines. I told her, that everytime when she sits in front of such a slot, her brain gets more connected, and the thoughts will come to remind her to go there again. The worst thing what could happen to her in this situation, is a big win.
I really hope, i told her clear enough, not to go there anymore.
People in her situation dont understand how easy it is to become an addict. They think that they are in full control of their behavior. You are in control, when your thoughts are still your thoughts- not “uncontrollable” thoughts which come over you and you are a victim of your own addiction.
She told me yesterday, that she watched herself the whole day, and that there was an inner need to go there again, just to gamble 10€ and get the free drink and meal..
She didnt do it yesterday, but what the future will bring, we dont know.

Thank you for reading. To talk with you here helped me so much (!) I never thought that this alone could have such a big impact for me. Really.
I’d like to start a help group in real life here in Tirol. That might be a project for me what helps myself to stay in the right position everyday in future. To take care for others reminds you on your own tragic past. Merry christmas to all of you

I’ve looked in my bank account when the last casino payment happend- it was the 2.11.23
about two months ago now. This is the longest episode of time in the last 5 jears. I’m happy that i’ve got to this point in my life, where i feel that i’ve got some kind of control over my behavior. I think its connected to my stress level. In the past that level was always high, and i had many problems in every part of life. Today there are no things in my life which i dont like in my life. I worked hard to get to this point.

I’ve looked in my bank account when the last casino payment happend- it was the 2.11.23
about two months ago now. This is the longest episode of time in the last 5 jears. I’m happy that i’ve got to this point in my life, where i feel that i’ve got some kind of control over my behavior. I think its connected to my stress level. In the past that level was always high, and i had many problems in every part of life. Today there are no things in my life which i dont like in my life. I worked hard to get to this point.

My first topic in this forum was also started on 2.11.23

Sorry for double posting- i just wanted to edit something ??

Thank you kin. Payday was yesterday. At the moment a lot of things are changing in my life. My mom left Austria and went to Hungary- since that time i have a better relationship to her. In a few months i will leave my grandparents where I live with at the moment. This fakt make feel my life really much easier. And i know that in near future its just me in my life, no one else i need to think or look for. That situation made is easy for me to stop gambling, cause its the first time in my whole life that i’m alone. I’ll start a YouTube chanel with reaction content, when i’m in the new flat. This idea helps me to leave the money where i need it. And the dentist to. My money is on bank account now, but to save it for sure, I’ll go there today and bring it to my boyfriend. Thank you

Dear kin, today was the first day i thought about casino. I dont know why exactly. Maybe cause I did it every jear until know. Writing it down will help me stay strong, and not destroy my plans for future. It is a lot easier to write here than to call someone and tell him about it. In the past, i wasnt able to turn when such a feeling came up. I didnt like to talk about it. I just liked to gamble, instantly. I’m glad that i found this forum- especially for moments like this. Thanks, Sarah

Thank you, and happy New jear 2024 ?? the thoughts two days ago went away after I told you. Luck this time. I’ll look for the groups.

Today I had a very good expirience in the supermarket.. my grandmother gave me 100€ to go and buy some stuff for her. I went into the store and lost the money on the floor.. I didnt recogniced that I lost it, and went through the store. When I wanted to pay i realiced that I’ve lost the money.. I ran through the shop super stressed looked on the floor everywhere but there where so many people and i thought there is no chance to find it. In this moment a man came to me with the money in his hand and gave it to me (!!)

One day in past i decided not to take any things which are not mine ore steal anything again. Since this moment I always got everything back I’ve lost myself.. it proofs for me that some kind of karma is real

Today I’ve bought the new IPhone, for 1400.-
I thought about hours if i should do this. I pay in parts, over 10 months. In my gambling times I’ve burnt 1000’s of euros over jears, often in one day. Its the first time in my life where I buy such an expensive phone like this. My mind is changing in a better direction i think..

Yesterday I had an appointment at a psychiatrist because of my addiction problems. He said ?gambling addiction isn’t a reason for not being able to do normal work and living..“
In the first moment I didn’t know what to say to him, but then I told him, gambling addiction was the first reason I thought about ending my life (!!!)
When you crush your plans again and again, gamble all money away- every month, it will bring you to depression, it lets you steal in supermarkets for food, you won’t be able to pay your bills and you will loose your flat if it comes really bad. The whole day after that appointment, my emotions were down in the basement. It had took all my energy away, after I talked to this guy. But after some sleep, it is better today ..

• This reply was modified 10 months ago by sarahluna88.

Thank you, I’ll do ??.

Thank you Kin for your strength to remind me everyday on my goals and plans. Today I decided to do the education for the drivers license, I never did it before- just one time I tried it but didn’t finish. I found a possible job where I should assist people with handicaps in there daily life. A car is needed in most cases. Tomorrow morning I will go to the driving school and pay, the start is next week.

Since the decision was made, to take care of my own- and no other anymore- there are so many things I like to do now. I have the power and also the money for these extra things. In September I will start an education over three years (if education is the right word I’m not sure ??) in the evening and during the day I’d like to do the personal assistant work.

I’m so glad that I found this forum, with all the topics and helpful people. You helped me to do the biggest step forward, in gambling addiction case. Gambling destroys all the life plans, just in one day when you gamble all your money away that you have saved months before..

I knew over so many years that when you want to help others, you first need to help yourself. But to really understand the meaning behind this statement, took me so long. But it might be the needed process, to understand who am I really are and what matters to me. All the struggles I had, all battles against me and society. Just to end up there, where it always was told to me.
The inner conflicts and beliefs in my mind didn’t allow me to go the best way for myself. Cause I didn’t know where myself began and end.
It was a really hard journey to get there. Know I’m here and happy to go forward ??

Driver-school starts at 12.2.24 ??

Today I had a very impressive experience..
I was done with the therapist appointment and stood outside on the street in front of building, a woman was playing on a keyboard on the street, a very emotional song.
I recognized that the Restaurant where I was working when my gambling addiction started, is just a few feet away from my therapist. There was my first contact with a slotmachine. My chef at that time placed the machine in the bar area, and I watched a few times people loosing their money and sometimes they won some money. Till the day I tried it to. I had 15€ left for the month and I thought- I will try it. I won 500€ with just 25cent per bet. It was the maximum you could get for 25cent.
I jumped through the restaurant cause of the big win. The next day I went to an other casino, played with 30€ an won again 800€. That was the beginning of an very dramatic period in my life.
Today standing outside and remembering that location and all these years till now, was very impressive. It felt like a circle has completed..

• This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by sarahluna88.

Thank you for counting the days for me ?? that makes me very happy. You have a big part in my recovery story, just because you are always present and a very good reminder.

Thank you kin, for counting my days. Three days ago Ive had an appointment at a psychiatrist. This time it was a woman. She listened very carefully to my story and my behavior I told her- how hard it is for to deal with bigger stress and how I have to handle my energy to not feel overloaded in my head. Next thing I told her, when I’m in very stressful situations I can’t sleep over days. That was often a reason for gambling, or using drugs.
After that hour talking to her, she thought about what might help me in case of medication. She gave me something, what’s regularly used for old patients- cause it’s very soft. After two days no sleep again, I took one pill (buronil 25mg if someone likes to check it).
And I slept well, and also was able to get out of bed. The whole day was pretty good, and I recognized that I feel so ?normal“ in my head now (!). The days after were also very good, cause I was more able to decide what’s the best to do and when, without doing nonsense in between, to go to bed at the right time and not feel to do more nonsense before going to bed. I was much more organized over the day, and it didn’t matter to me to think about all impressions ive had over the day.

Maybe I needed much earlier something like this.

Thank you maverick ??. Nothing was so good as stopping gambling. I didn’t realize earlier that the problem was that big. Since I’m totally gambling free my life gets better in all aspects and directions. Have a great day ??

Today I had three moments of thinking about starting gambling. It was a very stressful day, I’m leaving my flat these days and it’s a lot of work to do.

I recognized the urge to look at my bank account and how much money I’ve got on it- with the thought of gambling a little bit- but I noticed it immediately and reminded me of the things that are important for me and my future- like the expensive education over three years that I’m going to start in march.
I used the situation to get the bank details from the campus to pay the first bill, so the picture got clearer.

I saw that I’m getting far more control over my life. Earlier in time it had been impossible to turn around when an impulse like this had come to my mind..

when the thought was there- the gambling had to take place without any chance and an inner motivation of not going gamble. It was like a program that was started and couldn’t be stopped until it was done. (All money must be burned-the circle has fulfilled- self destruction completed)

I thank god and my ability to resist the urge and patterns of trained behavior. And that I had been able to install a ?firewall“ in my head against that program.

I’m able to watch myself from a higher position, from where I can see my visions for the future and the needed steps to get there. Loosing money isn’t one of these steps.

Since I’ve stopped gambling I want to create financial stability. I want to live a good life the rest of my lifetime here on this earth.

Thanks to this journal that helps me to get this feelings into words and so out of my head. Focus is coming back, without loosing it totally.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by sarahluna88.

When I think back on the many times I’ve run through this program of total gambling escalation. The moment of upcoming impulse to play slot – I immediately plan to find a opportunity to be alone for the next couple hours or days in most cases.

I look for a new casino where I’m not blocked already, at the end it was often hard to find one, cause I self-excluded me every time when I lost all my money at one casino. But when there is a will there is a way. Registration and documents are already on my phone to send, and the pattern can begin.

I start with the same five slots and try one after another, about 30€, in circles. Sometimes I win directly by the first slot, adrenaline rush through my system and all my attention is focused on the slot- play in speedmode always.

More win means more play time- not more money. Money is just play-money not real money anymore. It’s just a way to possibly get more adrenaline and dopamine in to my system.

That’s the same like a drug flowing through your veins, it’s crazy. All other things and people aren’t important anymore- just the gambling drug is all I need in this state of mind.
This goes on for days and sometimes weeks if ?luck“ is bigger. At the end of the circle I’m getting more and more depressed cause I know I’m going to loose all I have, but I’m not able to stop myself.

Often when the last transaction was made, my energy level was already down in the basement, aggression and stress was high. I’m so tired and sad that I did it again.

Oh dear god, I am so happy that this didn’t happen to me today and this is just a text, that shows me how much I have won today ??

That’s how therapy works- self reflection. But the therapy hasn’t started here, it was a long process of getting to the point where self reflection is possible to do.

The long time before that, it was just watching myself while I’m running through these patterns again and again. It often felt like an impossible mission to get out of this addiction.
Until the point where I thought, if I couldn’t change my behavior I’ll end my life sooner or later.
But maybe that’s where you have to get- so that you have nothing to loose anymore- just to win your life back. That’s all you need.

I didn’t realize the worth of the ?simple“.
I always thought ?simple“ is not enough. Getting over this fallacy is my biggest win I might have until the end of this life. I’m happy to have it now.

All pressure is written off me, work is done. Thanks for reading ??

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by sarahluna88.

To resist this pressure in one moment or part of time, saves so many other parts of your life.
Loose money means that you loose chances and possibilities for a good life. You need money for so many things and activities, which give you quality in your life.
Gambling is the most expensive addiction to have. No drug addiction will cost you so much money. Drugs and gambling are full with dark energy- cause lifes get destroyed and you want to win what someone else has to loose. You want to profit from other people’s damage. That’s very dark. Always when I went to a casino to a slot machine, my hope was, that the guy who was sitting there before had lost all his money at this machine, and when I go there maybe that money comes back to me.
Egoism at it’s purest form. Often I really hated other people when they won the money I lost before.
Sometimes I had bad thoughts about robbing them when they go out. That’s such a weird feeling to have when you’re not a person who sees brutal behavior as an option in your normal behavior.
but gambling brings you down to that point, to the darkest place in yourself. Maybe it’s an opportunity to realize that everyone can think or even do dark things when the situation is right (wrong?).
Facing the own shadows is needed, that you don’t think that you are a better human than others. Maybe everyone could be a murderer if the situation includes all needed aspects.

I thought about you and your topics, the description of my behavior reminded me of you and yours during the writing. You are a great teacher in recovery process, just because you know so much about it.

Dear Kin, do you know about the ?Ex-In“ education?
I heard from that a few months ago, it is for people who had psychological disorders, addiction is one of them- the education is about a year long and you can work in mental health clinics or other help institutions as a kind of social worker called ?recovery companion“. In UK this is a popular education I’ve heard, in Germany and Switzerland and Sweden also. It’s relatively new, this program exists about 15 years now. Could you imagine to do something like that? I believe you might be a good candidate for something like that ??

Great thank you, I have so many things to do at the moment. Ive started the education- it’s absolutely perfect. Hope you also have a good time ????

Dear Kin, I‘m glad to have you in my back as an companion during my journey through recovery ??

Thank you ??

My life has changed so drastically, and it has got so powerful in every aspect. To stop gambling was the best decision I’ve ever made. Just to come back here and say that everything is fine. Great thanks to everyone in this journal

Dear Kin ?? I’m so busy with all possible kinds of things (not gambling). Every day is full with social activities, learning, and other beautiful things. It feels like my life has just really started and the first time I’m really living.
How do you do?