Is there any hope for me ?

Or am I just delusional,

Chasing a desire I cannot accomplish ?

Do I suffer with OCD ?

Trying aimless to analyse and make sense of it all ?

I don’t want pity, I don’t want counselling,

Don’t even want to talk.

I know it all, been there and tried it all,

Yet after coming to terms and making that choice to stop,

Here, I am 4 years later, 

Another year, starting so wrong !

Lord, rid me of this chains and bondage,

The pain, guilt and shame, tearing mind and soul apart,

Robbing me of happiness and peace of heart.

Why am I so unhappy when I am blessed,

And know You care and love me dearly, too ?

I tried so hard this week, to walk closer with You,

After re-affirming my faith and walk.

But it seems all the more why I did so badly tonight,

Like struck by lightening and hit by a truck !

There is no more woe or self pity,

I’ve become hard and callous as I fight this battle within,

I realise this is my path in search for happiness

For things I lost or don’t have,

When happiness lies in contentment

And focusing on what I have, not what I have not !

Oh, wretched soul that I am,

Who will deliver me from this evil !

I need to find my happiness from within,

To stop deceiving myself,

that chasing the god of money,

will bring happiness and success !