[anon88]

Hello,

I have been with my partner for 5 years. After two years of dating, they disclosed their gambling addiction to me which I kept between us and encouraged them to stop. However, being surrounded by others who like to gamble on football and other things partner did not change. Which is something I have found out this year.

I feel like a fool because I trusted them that they would stop and they did not. I had to make the decision to disclose this to their family as it was impeding my mental health. I fear that because I have stayed with my partner for so long they think I am always going to be around and do not take me serious or this issue they have.

I feel so broken because they betrayed my trust and threw away our lives together as were supposed to be moving to America from Australia but I cannot even trust this plan anymore. I don’t know what to do because my partner is a good person but they have an issue and are incapable of understanding how deep this is affecting our relationship or my love for them. Life was good, we were gunna go somewhere but everything just collapsed and I am the one that has to pick up the pieces because they are not the one in pain or the one laying up at night thinking about this. They are not the one that wakes p feeling conflicted about the decision to stay with them. It bothers me how after all of this my partner is still so excited to speak about our lives together as if they are delusional. I am even struggling to see life with them.

I don’t know if I am allowing myself to be a pushover especially after I tried to support them before and they have not changed. I don’t want to date someone who is happy losing 700AU a month on their gambling. Please help me because I feel stuck they are a good person but I did not sign up to be with this disease especially as we are both 26 years old. I worry that they are stealing my twenties and by the end I am going to be left with nothing when I was looking forward to building a family together.

Sometimes I think maybe I am holding on to them because I have been focused on my career and nothing else. I also have lost some friends over the years due to just growing apart and different morals/political views. My circle of close friends is three people which I have not even disclosed this to.

[Dunc]

Hello
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ??
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ??
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Anon

You are not a fool, if your partner did not want you to know that he was still gambling then he would have been very careful to keep the truth from you. The addiction to gamble is often cloaked in secrecy and is not always easy to see.

It is so important that you look after yourself, I am concerned that you feel broken. Your partner did not ask for or want his addiction but sadly he is a gambler who is not in control of his own life at the moment. He can learn to control his addiction and live a wonderful gamble-free life but he has to want to. If he wants to stop gambling then there is a lot of support for him, he is not alone. Does he accept that he needs help and does he say that he wants to stop gambling?

I have no doubt that your partner is a good person but sadly his addiction is blinding him to your pain, however, I am sure that you partner does feel pain too. The nature of a gambling addiction means that he cannot walk away when he is losing which is demoralising for him and causes constant feelings of failure. Your partner almost certainly lacks confidence and his self-esteem probably flew out of the window a long time ago with his money.

I cannot tell you that the right thing is to stay or to leave, neither is easy – but I do believe that knowledge of what is hurting you will help you to make the right decisions for you.
I think it is great that you have three close friends to support you and I’m sorry that you have kept your problem all to yourself over the years. I know that friends and family often do not understand and their advice can be unhelpful. The common ‘advice’ is ‘just leave him’ but that is not an answer that helps. Maybe you could say that your partner is a compulsive gambler and you are getting support but you would like to share what is worrying you, maybe they have similar worries.

I hope you will keep posting and maybe between us we can see the way forward for you. It is important to know what it is that ‘you’ really want.

If you don’t agree with me over anything then just say, I know what it is like to love a compulsive gambler and be confused about the future.

Velvet

[??????]

?????????