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Well what a difference a year has made, this time last year I was selling non-existent goods on EBay and was behaving like a moron. I was under the impression I was destined to lead a life of gambling and prison.
I was no stranger to breaking the law, something I had done to fund gambling too many times to recall.
During the thirty years I had gambled, I have gained an extensive criminal record. Starting off with low level dis-honest crimes i.e. shoplifting; building up to more serious crimes including commercial burglary and extorting monies by deception by faking my own kidnap.
Just like my gambling problem which had started off as a few pounds in the fruit machines now and again; my criminal activities had progressed above and beyond any acceptable level.
The fifth and last time I was sent to prison was in 2005, an 18mth sentence. My gambling didn’t subside after this sentence.
I finally realised that I actually could live without gambling in 2009, it was a real “light bulb” moment for me. I was in a long distance relationship at the time and my then partner made me realise that there was a life for me.
It would be great to say that since that day I haven’t gambled and now live happily ever after; unfortunately that is not the case.
I had become a master of manipulation and deceit, I am not proud of myself for this, it makes me sick to think that was me.
I was accepted into Gordon House in Sept 2009 and stayed there for 9 months, I gambled more or less as soon as I left. I didn’t think Gordon House had failed, I knew I didn’t have to gamble, I stopped for a few months gambled again, started and stopped again. Eventually I started to do the things I had learned would help me, the things I said I would do when I left Gordon House, things that would help prevent me gambling.
Above all else, the most important things to me; being honest (especially to myself), and talking to people.
I think that last year I made massive strides in my life. Despite my extensive criminal record I managed to find and hold down a job I love, driving a minibus around London. I did gamble far too much, and in January risking prison again, I had several gambling sprees throughout the year too.
I can’t commit to a gambling free 2012, and I can’t see any reason for me to do so. But I can commit to a gambling free day today; I owe it to myself and my family to make that commitment every day, whatever the day is.
It was great to enjoy Christmas without it being ruined by gambling, I can only ever remember this happening once since 1982. To get 4 days into a new year without a bet is also something I’ve only ever achieved once in the past 30 years too.
I have a Gamcare assessment on Jan 6th, hopefully this will help strengthen my armour against gambling.
I have learned it is important not to beat myself up because of the past. I have learned that today is the important day, I also believe that there are positives in every situation, although impossible to see at times.
I don’t always agree with every ones views on recovery, I have my views and know what works for me.
I closed my last thread as there was lots of sadness in it, not least the times when both my parents were seriously ill and the sad loss of my Dad in August.
There was lots of gambling too. I hope this thread turns out to be a lot brighter.
Thanks to all who posted on my last thread, some of the support was priceless.
Nobody needs to gamble. Nobody is in a position where they just can’t help it. It took me many years to realise it, but now I have realised it there is no excuse good enough to warrant a return to that life.
I remember the old Wham! Tee shirt; CHOOSE LIFE.
That’s what I have done, and God willing; will continue to do so on a daily basis. That’s all any of us have to do really.
Happy New Year.
Geordie.I gambled last year, but havn’t this year. Imagine that!!….Recovery is priceless. -
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Welcome to 2012 as a recovering CG Geordie, it is good to see a new and bright post – look forward to more of the same. Live for today – it is the only day that matters. Much love for continued peace and happiness in your life
xxWe must look forward and must never look back, we cannot change what has already happened. The future is brighter.Looby Loo -
Hi Geordie, thanks for sharing as it really helps others as they face the challenge of living gamble free. When I read your post it made me realize that even though you went through all your challenges… you never gave up the fight to stop gambling and to me that is the most important part of your story, as eventually you got there. I try not to focus on one month, two months or a year from now all I can do it take it one day at a time. Wishing you a day free of gambling.One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Originally posted by geordie18
Well what a difference a year has made …Good morning Georgie,
I hate to differ from you again (sort of), but you being able to start a 2012 topic and carry on was not because of the difference in the year, it was because of the difference in you; it was you using the time to work on recovery that has made all the difference. It was you making use of the only option left open to you so that you would not have to face the same consequences over and over.
The adversities that you experienced the past year would not have been changed, but your choice to not let gambling control your life, your using the past year to make changes, allowed you to be there for the adversities and offer comfort to those you love.
What a difference recovery makes, and can year after year; it is priceless.
God’s speed. Sty strong. Have a Happy Gambling Free 2012.
LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free. -
Hi Geordie just wanted to make a quick post to say thanks for your words of encouragement yesterday, along with reading peoples journals and posts on here it put my mind back to where it ***** to be so for that thanks. I hope you are keeping well and always great to read your posts, take care and wish you well love Maverick.
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Hi Geordie, I thank you very much for posting on my thread. Life is so strange at the moment it feels like I am living some one else’s life and one day I will wake up and it will be just a bad dream. That in itself would be the greatest dream I could ever have.But no such luck my gambling addiction is for real.What you quoted in your post is 100% true.You have been there and done it and probably know everything to do about gambling due to a life time of gambling and disappointment .The same applies to me .But the only thing I truly would like to know about gambling but has evaded me for a lifetime is how to quit gambling.That truly has been a hard task.I know it can be done due to the many GA’s that have quit gambling but I love gambling so much I cannot bear to be without it in my life.But on the other hand if I continue to gamble I will either lose my sanity or be in a box 6 foot under. So the logical choice would be to stop gambling.If only it was that easy. I am currently in an IVA and one condition I had to agree to before the IVA was granted was to stop gambling.In June 1 year of my IVA is up and I have to provide all my bank statements and wage slips to my IVA company. To prove my income,out goings,etc. But almost every month since I took out my IVA I have been drawing money out from Corals bookies using my debit card. I am not really sure what is going to happen when they see that and usually by the 2 or 3 day of being paid my account is reading zero. Bankruptcy maybe. Why is it that I really love to gamble but if I had 1 wish in the world .That wish would be to stop gambling and live a normal life.Thanks again Geordie and sorry if I went on a bit.– 04/04/2012 21:50:28: post edited by blueelvis888.
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Well Vera, how very perceptive you are. Was just going through my thread and am about to write an update, I’ve been on a real downer the last couple of days, and I think reading that thread in F+F stopped my mind wandering to where it shouldn’t. Todays the day that ****** V. Today also marks a year since my Dad passed away, so that maybe explains my ****. Will do an update after my tea……………..
Living a life instead of living a ***…..Recovery is priceless. -
I do believe we are all linked together, G. The living and the deceased. The soul lives on and so do the memories.
My brother was found dead in bed eight years ago on the 11th August. Silent coronary was the conclusion when the pm was done. He was dead for 2/ 3 days and people were phoning and leaving messages and eventually the family came and "gained entry"…not a good memory for my nephew and my brother in law who is a policeman. I was gambling like crazy at the time. My brother was only 57 so it was a huge shock for all the family. My sister told me he had expressed to her how worried he was about me (his baby sister). Of course that didn’t go down well. In a way,I blamed myself for his death. He left his car to me in his will. It was almost new. I had it valued as I wanted to sell it and split the money with my family but they wouldn’t allow that. At the time I owed 16 grand. The exact value of the car! My sister made me swear I would never drive that car near a casino….Three years later there was a zero after the money I owed and exorbitant mileage on the car….The rest is history ….We all have memories G. Best to focus on the good ones..
Reading Twilight’s thread steered the course of my recovery too. If she hadn’t been so brave to write what is happening in her life right now, I could have been "eslewhere" today! -
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Well its been 3 weeks since I updated my thread, thanks to all that have read and to those that have posted.
As well as being three weeks since an update another 22 todays have been and gone, all is still well in that department. I realise I am very fortunate that I don’t get bad urges to gamble and I still put that down to dealing with things as they crop up. That’s how I live my life these days (todays). I am useless at fighting urges and if I had to live my life having a daily battle with them I don’t honestly think I would last very long at all. I would feel that gambling was still controlling me, for me my recovery has to be this way and it works fine for me (and my family).
I came across an old post from Colin the other day and that got me thinking about how much gambling has changed since I first made a bet. In those days there were no tellys in the bookies’ shops just audio commentary, groups of seemingly intelligent mature men watching the radio! These days bookies shops are more colourful with more tv screens than the bbc, and fast play gambling designed to appeal to the younger person. (Not my opinion, the view of a senior chap from the gambling commission in an interview on the radio at the weekend). I am pleased it wasn’t like this when I first started, I don’t think I would have made 21.
I’ve finished my stint of 05.30 starts although we are still operating a couple of busses at the Olympics, I done my share of driving too. It was nice to be involved in this once in a life time thing and I can’t be***ve how happy everyone involved was, I wish London were so friendly all of the time. I refused two tips as well. (First time for everything)! We were only driving people half a mile and I would have felt guilty taking the tips from people that couldn’t manage the walk.
It was a year ago today that my Dad passed away, the support I got via posts on this forum was incredible at that time. I don’t get quite so many posts these days and I think that’s partly due to me not posting as much, partly due to my views peeing people off, and also partly due to what I mentioned in an ear***r post about us all being a little bit co-dependant. We tend to queue up to help each other in ***** of difficulty but often neglecting our own recoveries without even seeing it.
It would have been lovely and a fitting tribute to sit here tonight and be able to say I haven’t gambled since my Dad ****, the truth is that I have though, however as we all know we cant change the past. Still all of them todays since February have been gambling free ones and I’m sure my Dad knows I’m living a different life now, one I’m sure he’d be proud of.
I hardly slept a wink last night and have been feeling right on the bottom the last couple of days, criticising a lot of things in my head, getting peed off with a few of the workplace politics, picking fault with a lot of things that ordinarily wouldn’t phase me. Mind you I heard a radio phone in at the weekend after William hill and Ladbrokes published their accounts for the first half of this year incredibly the FOBTs (roulette machines) of just those two bookies had an unbe***vable 12.5 BILLION POUNDS wagered on them from January to June…don’t be***ve me read it here…. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2183830/Gambling-The-46bn-cost-Britains-roulette-machine-addiction hearing that distanced me a bit further I think, that is a staggering obscene amount of money and I’m sure if it were ploughed into other avenues of the economy we wouldn’t be in such a state. It peed me right off knowing they had me hook line and sinker for such a long long time, infact not so much that they had me but that I allowed myself to be mesmerised by it all.
In my peed of **** I found myself moaning about the things that I often see others posting about, (how things are chit and none of it is my fault, moan moan moan, that sort of thing) and realised the only element missing was gambling. Needless to say instead of gambling I decide this wasn’t how I was last week and talked some sense into myself.
I do love my job (although job security is still very much a worry) I still love my new flat, and I am getting on better with my daughter than I have done for years. Although it has been a very trying few months with her I must be honest.
My Mam was in hospital a week today having her gall bladder out, although a fairly straight forward routine op. that’s what they said to my Dad too; and she was in the same hospital. It was quite worrying actually because of her other health issues they kept her in high dependency overnight as there was a risk of stroke, I should have gone up home last week and I put work and the Olympics first, I do regret that. My Mam is home though safe and well, and when we spoke ear***r it seems that she has coped with today very well.
Wishing everyone well in their own recoveries, for me I’ll just keep on with my talk a lot one day at a time routine. I am resigned to the fact I am a compulsive gambler that doesn’t gamble, and I can live with that. There are worse things; a compulsive gambler who does gamble for instance, I could probably open a mega store with the amount of tee-shirts I’ve got from that time in my life. Thankfully I know that just for today I wont be gambling.
Cheers.
Geordie.Living a life instead of living a ***…..Recovery is priceless. -
Hi G, I thought about your dad’s anniversary today, as it is my birthday, but didn’t want to post unless you did. I am glad mum is okay and got through her op and has coped with the ‘day’ very well. She is made of strong stuff – bless *** I am sure your dad would be proud to see how your life is developing these days G. As Vera says, what is in the past is in the past and you can’t change it, the future is there for the taking and that is what matters now. Hope life continues to ‘make you think,question and talk’ as much as possible G, it all seems to be working for you. Anyway just wanted you to know you and your family were in my thoughts today. Much love *********xxEveryone has a destiny, it’s up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo
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EEee thanks Looby, and I hope you’ve had as good a birthday as you could. I tell you what though I feel a lot better now compared to how I did before and gettting a post from you always puts a smile on my face.
Its great to have this website here, it most certainley has helped me these last couple of days.
Thanks for thinking of us today,
Thanks too Vera, was posting at the same time as you, bloody **** missus you have had more than your fair share of misery you know, and its great to see you back to living just for today. You dont deserve any more misery and neither does mr Vera!
Geordie.Living a life instead of living a ***…..Recovery is priceless. -
Originally posted by geordie18
… I am a compulsive gambler that doesn’t gamble …
Living a life instead of living a ***…..Recovery is priceless.
Good afternoon Geordie,
Firstly, my thoughts and prayers are with you on this date of remembrance for your father’s death, and also for the problems that your mother is facing. Adversities can not be avoided, but we can find comfort and strength during these ***** from unexpected sources, including persons setting aside their problems for a moment to express their concern.
Next, well done on keeping yourself in a gambling free frame of mind, for knowing what not gambling can do for you and going after that better way of life. Keep up the good work. Also, I would like to comment on your phrase quoted above; you come up with different catch phrases from time to time and this one to me is one of your more profound. I have tried at ***** to say that I am a RCG or a CG in Recovery, but I feel that my using ‘recovery’ as an adjective takes away from the importance of my Program of Recovery (it could possibly be the begining of a be***f that I now "hold the key" to recovery, and the start of be***ving more in myself than in the process I have been following – This is where complacency and the seed for relapse is planted).I don’t know if I will ever use your term "a compulsive gambler that doesn’t gamble", but I know that it is one the better describes me in terms of my addiction and using it is a possibility. Thanks, and an early apology if ever I do use it and forget to give you credit.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware, and keep cliches, both old and new, as guides, not just words.
LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.
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