[sweet5000]

Hello. I am new here and looking for advice.

I met my fiance about 1 year ago and he was opened about his problem from the early stage.

I thought it would change.

He has already been to rehab and psychologists but nothing seems to help. He said the solution would be my love but since the time we met he gambled his salary away several times and there were occasions in which he was left with no money not even to buy food.

His loans because of gambling exceed $100.000,00 (one hundred thousand dollars) and he currently stopping paying his bills to negotiate via a lawyer.

Last time he gambled was less than 2 months ago and he said he felt like comitting suicide.

What should I do?

[Dunc]

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

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The Gambling Therapy Team

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[velvet]

Hi Sweet

It is common among all of us who love compulsive gamblers to feel that ‘our love’ will conquer all but sadly it is not a solution to the addiction to gamble. ‘Our love’ can cause us to overlook the dangers and in many cases result in many days, months and years of doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons.

Unfortunately many F&F have heard the word ‘suicide’ and felt the terrifying pressure from the word – sadly it can often cause the wrong reaction. It can be felt that if bad behaviour is overlooked then, maybe, the CG will feel less desperate – but it is the continuing gambling that causes the desperation and no amount of overlooking bad behaviour will change that.

Has your fiancé tried returning to his rehab to ask for further support? Rehabs, certainly in the UK, will be supportive even after a person has left because it stands to reason that not all those who attend the programme will be instantly gamble-free – there is no magic solution. A rehab gives the CG the tools of recovery but cannot make them use them. If the dedication is not there from the CG then there will be relapses but rehabs want to see those who attend them succeed and if it takes a bit longer to get the light switched on, then that is understood.

I cannot tell you what to do but clearing the debts of a CG only enables the CG to gamble further – as soon as the debt is cleared then the clean slate is an open invitation to indulge the addiction further.

When you fiancé has left himself without money for food what has been your response? Giving cash to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. If you feed him then, in my opinion, it should only be the basics.

I will leave this reply to you here and wait for you to update.

Velvet

[sweet5000]

Thank you for spending your time comforting me.

He made another loan when he was left with no money to buy food.

After this post he gambled again and I am seriously considering giving up on this relationship, even though he has an appointment for professional help.

He mentioned again he wanted to cut his veins after he lost a big amount on gambling.

I want to get married and have children, how can I achieve this dream with someone who is not even paying rent because he gambles his salary away? I don’t feel safe.

I am tired and hopeless. And I never gave him cash.

[velvet]

Hi Sweet
Is he returning to his rehab for his professional help?
It stands to reason that not every person who goes into rehab is going to have the dedication to really embrace the tools on offer and have the necessary desire to live gamble-free. The reason that so many compulsive gamblers have to re-seek control of their addiction is that they have tried many times to take control but have been caught out by complacency. It is very hard for a gambler to accept that they cannot be cured especially when gambling is being thrown at them all the time from the media, family and social groups. Letting go takes a lot of courage – who could tell if we had the problem if we would have the courage required?
I know that a compulsive gambler has a greater hope of controlling his addiction when he has the right support which is often achieved with dedicated addiction counsellors and therapists; however, good, support from friends and family is immeasurable.
I am only pushing a thought around and you must act as you think fit but I think that if it was me and I still loved the gambler then I would possibly wait until he had received further professional help, I would walk the extra mile whilst seeking constant support for myself until I was sure that I knew the limit to which I was prepared to go. I would also want to see a difference in his behaviour,
I assure you that whatever you decide to do I will understand. We often don’t know our limits until they have been crossed so I think it would be good if you knew what yours were. You are gaining knowledge of his addiction and I would imagine you are gaining a lot of knowledge about yourself – I believe that knowing ourselves is the start of us walking back to life. I think that maybe you should think what it is that you really want because what you want really matters – after all this is your life.
Small comfort I know but dealing with this addiction now is better than when you are married with children.

Velvet

[sweet5000]

He is not returning to rehab but it is a clinic specialized in gambling. From what I understood, he will see a psychologist.

I love him but we have not spent so much time together. We live in different countries and he came to visit me a couple times.

In order to be together I must get married, leave everything behind and move to his country which is already scary enough specially when I know I will be having a lot of stress because of the gambling. He did not pay the rent last month.

So I would be completely dependent on someone irresponsible because of a terrible addiction.

How can I trust and bet my whole life under these circumstances?

He says he gambles because he feels depressed or stressed and my love would heal. He said that if we lived together he would never gamble again but the fact is that he gambled twice when we were physically together.

And there are other problems. I made the mistake to tell my family about his addiction and now they are absolutely against the relationship. They don’t accept him and never will. My mother said if I leave the country to stay with him I don’t even need to keep in touch.

And more: he owes more than 1 hundred thousand dollars because of gambling, I am afraid that if I marry him I will get 50% of that debt.

He is not even paying his bills now to negotiate everything via a lawyer.

Give me some insight please!

[velvet]

Hi Sweet

I cannot tell you what to do but in my opinion it would be unwise to consider marriage until you have seen a very big difference in your fiancé’s behaviour. As a compulsive gambler your fiancé cannot promise that if you lived together he would never gamble again because a compulsion to gamble cannot be cured – it can be controlled but it requires treatment, courage and and dedication.

Your mother is obviously very worried about you and I think her concern is understandable. Re-read your post and imagine someone else had written it – what would you say to a girl who was talking about giving up her home and security to marry a man who owed a hundred thousand dollars as a result of an addiction to gamble – you might react in the same way as your mother.

Your fiancé is almost certainly depressed because he gambles and not gambling because he is depressed. It is unfair of him to place the responsibility of his recovery on your shoulders when the only person who can save him is himself. We can only save ourselves; we cannot make a compulsive gambler stop gambling. I naively believed that love could conquer all and I tried everything to get the compulsive gambler in my life to stop gambling but in the end there was nothing that I could do.

Divide your post it into two columns – in the first column put the reasons to marry your fiancé and in the second column put the risks and dangers of marrying him. I don’t think the result would surprise you Sweet because I think that you are asking for advice when you already know the answer but you wish that you didn’t.

If your fiancé loves you then he can turn his life around without you giving up your family and sacrificing your security to go to him. Your fiancé can change but he doesn’t need you with him to do it. In my opinion, if he loves you, he should understand that you cannot commit until he has had treatment and lived gamble-free for at least a year. He cannot trust himself yet, so why should he think that you should trust him?

I think you have a very tough decision to make Sweet and I hope that some of what I am saying helps you to make the decision that is right for you.

Keep posting and asking questions.

You are in my thoughts

Velvet

[sweet5000]

Hi, Velvet. I am sorry ablut the long time to reply, I have been having some personal problems.

Last time my fiancé gambled was about 1 month and it took his entire salary.

I said I would break up and now he says he stopped for good. He calls himself an ex gambler.

He won’t go for treatment because he said he is cured.

I am suffering because I love him but my father gave me an ultimatum that I have to choose between him and the family.

My family doesn’t accept him, specially because of the gambling addiction.

This situation makes me so mentally unstable that I took a full box of tranquilizers; I don’t know if I was trying to suicide or if I just wanted to relax.

I am very vulnerable to stress and the least of it makes me suicidal. I am retired in my country because of a mental disease.

So I really want him, he makes me feel happy, he improves my health but it is very hard to continue with my whole family against.

I think I will have to leave and it is breaking my heart. I don’t even know what to say to break up and he wants to visit me in my country the next months.

We are engaged. I am struggling.

[velvet]

Dear Sweet
I am so sorry that you are feeling and have been given cause to feel, so vulnerable. Sadly, it is common for those who love compulsive gamblers not to find good support in their family. In trying to force you to give up the man you love, I suspect that your father is probably trying to do what he believes is right for you but you are being pulled in two different directions and that does not help you one iota.
Many F&F become so immersed in the addiction of their loved one that they lose sight of what will make them happy forgetting just how important they are. You are important Sweet and you deserve to be happy but at the moment your fiancé’s addiction and your father’s reaction to it, are the reasons you are having so much suffering. In my opinion, you need time to breath without pressure from anybody. Do you have a friend or sibling that you can trust, someone who will not put pressure on you, someone you can talk to about things that make you happy, someone with whom you can share a hobby or interest? Do you have a church or other place of faith where you can go for peace and understanding? Do you have a Gam-Anon group meeting near you?
I am sorry to say that although a compulsive gambler can learn to control his addiction and live a wonderful life, there is no cure and your fiancé is not right to suggest that there is. What leads you to believe that the last time he gambled was a month ago?
I am concerned for you Sweet and I hope you will keep posting. I have not been visible in the forums this past few weeks because I have broken my hip but your post spoke to me very clearly and I felt the need to reply to you. I have found that, in replying to you tonight, I have forgotten the pain in my hip because my mind is not on me which is what should happen when we talk and share with friends.
I can hear your struggle and I can imagine your pain, but in my opinion, it would be good for you to take time just for you. Maybe you could ask your fiancé to try and understand the way ‘you’ feel and that you need peace from being asked to share his gambling problem and hearing about his lack of money. Maybe you could let me know what he says. The addiction to gamble is a selfish addiction and because you are unselfish you are being hurt.
Sometimes when we are being pulled in different directions Sweet, the only way not to be hurt is not to join in with either side but to stand our ground and look after ourselves. Look after ‘you’ because in doing so, you will be doing what is right for you, your family and your fiancé.
Keep posting and speak soon
Velvet

[sweet5000]

Thank you so much for replying to me even though you broke your hip. I hope the pain goes away and itgets healed soon.

My fiancé no longer complain about financial problems because he said he is cured. He is not even looking for treatment.

He said he wants to stop because he wants to build a family with me and he feels ready.

Today I tried to break up with him because of the pressure from my family and we both cried a lot.

He said he begged on his knees for me to stay strong and continue in the relationship.

In the end I couldn’t break up because I love him too much but I asked for a few days to make a decision.

He said if I want him out of my life I will be the one to break up because he never will.

I don’t know what is worse: his gambling addiction or the pressure from my family.

My father believes he wants to use my name to gamble since he already owes 100 thousand dollars.

Soon I will need a new support forum, this is for gamblers and this whole situation makes me feel suicidal. I took more than prescribed tranquilizers today.

The thing is, like I already wrote, if I marry him I have to go alone to a new country and I don’t trust he will never gamble again even though he says he’s cured. I will be completely dependent on him and alone.

My father has the best intentions but he hates him and said he will never accept. Like I said, he gave me an ultimatum: my fiancé or the rest of the family.

All my friends and aquintances think I should break up the relationship and I am not a member of any church.

I really think of giving up and find another man without this terrible problem but at the same time I feel selfish. I believe he has a disease, I also have another disease and he accepts me.

Thank you for reading all this.

I hope things will get better for me and I will be able to make a good decision.

Just the thought of leaving him already breaks my heart.

Take care of your hip.

[velvet]

Dear Sweet
First of all, I hope to encourage you not to leave this forum which is for Friends and Family only – in this forum ‘you’ are understood. I am not a gambler but I have studied the addiction and I have lived with someone with a gambling addiction.
On this site we have another forum for gamblers who are seeking support and who do want to live gamble-free lives but I know from my own experience that I did not find this forum helpful to me when I first joined this site many years ago. This forum is ‘you’, however, so I hope you will continue to post.
I cannot tell you whether to go on with your relationship, or to leave it because it is important that you make our own decision – this is ‘your’ life and nobody else should tell you what to do with it.
What I can do is offer you an ever-listening ear and a warm understanding. I can possibly tell you the pitfalls of going one way or the other but even these should not be your deciding factor.
If it was me Sweet, I would not marry an active compulsive gambler and move to another country with him where I would not have the support of family or friends. The reason I say this is because unless my fiancé could prove to me that has sought support and was not just telling me what he wanted me to hear I would be extremely unwise to trust him. Your fiancé has an addiction that drastically distorts his reality to fit his personal perception – he will almost certainly use lies and manipulation, as a means of getting what he wants.
When a compulsive gambler uses words like ‘I am cured’ he is either doing it deliberately or unconsciously to mislead those who love him and those who might enable him. Only with treatment and a long-term gamble-free period should a gambler be able to say, ‘I have taken control’ – but never ‘I am cured’.
When your fiancé says, ‘if I want him out of my life I will be the one to break up because he never will’ – he is putting the blame on you – but you are blameless Sweet, your fiancé’s addiction is not because of anything you have done or said. There is nothing you could have done or said that would have made any difference to your fiancé’s addiction.
Whatever your decision, you are not selfish. I don’t know what disease you are talking about in relation to you but I do know that your fiancé’s addiction is definitely selfish and manipulative – only ‘he’ can do anything about it. You cannot save him. The only person who can save him, is himself and there is no magic cure. Telling you that you alone hold his future happiness is untrue – his future happiness rests with him.
He can live a gamble-free life Sweet, he can live a wonderful life but at the moment, I am sorry to say I do not hear him saying the words that mean he is accepting his addiction and if he cannot accept his addiction then he is, in my opinion, not a man that I would trust. Words are not enough, words are easy. Facing the addiction to gamble means taking responsibility for your actions, not expecting others to do it for you, it means acceptance and action.
I hope you will keep posting.
Velvet

[sweet5000]

Thank you for your ever-listening ear and warm understanding.

I also have my doubts when he says he is cured as he is doing no treatment. He keeps on saying he is completely cured of gambling.

I am suffering a lot with the pressure from both sides: my family wanting me to break up and he expecting me to make a decision until the next few days if I will get married and move to him. He wants it to happen this year.

I have been taking tranquilizers.

My family will never accept him no matter what because of this problem and if I go I will be on my own risk.

I can’t remember the last time he gambled but it was not so long ago and there it went his whole salary.

He hasn’t gambled since my last post.

And he says now that my doubts about moving to him makes him depressed and he can’t live like this anymore.

So he also gave me an ultimatum to decide until the next few days.

I am so exhausted of this situation that I might end up breaking up.

[velvet]

Hi Sweet
I cannot tell you what to do but I do know that the ultimatum being forced upon you is one that I would personally reject. I do not believe that love offers ultimatums such as this and if your boyfriend feels that this is the basis for your future together then I suggest he is terribly mistaken.
You would not need tranquilisers if everything was as it should be. You should be happy – and it seems to me that you are not which makes me concerned for you.
Why do you believe that he has not gambled since your last post – is this what he has told you?
A compulsive gambler cannot be cured, he can learn to control his addiction which takes time and support but your boyfriend is making no attempt towards either. Instead, he is choosing to do the exact opposite by denying his problem, by not seeking support and by trying to force your hand with an ultimatum instead of giving you the time you deserve.
Keep posting Sweet. I am so sorry that your family will not support you which is leaving your more confused and vulnerable but I do hope that in the middle of all your confusion you are beginning to see what is the right thing for you.
Velvet

[sweet5000]

First of all, thank you so much for your support.

How is your hip?

I hope you are having a fast recovery.

Our relationship is long distance at the moment then he wants fast decisions so we can get married and live together. He said he can’t stand living in different countries anymore and the deadline he gave me for a final answer expired yesterday but I am glad he mentioned nothing yet.

I have doubts not just because of the gambling. My world would change completely and I am scared, specially with my family being against.

Actually I don’t have anyone who supports this idea, not a single friend, not a single family member.

My father believes he wants to use my name to make loans to gamble since he can’t get anything from the bank anymore as his debt is already too big.

I believe he has not been gambling because that is what he told me. He said if it happens one more time he will tell me and break the relationship by himself.

He always told me when he gambled so I believe he is telling the truth. 

Usually it is his brother who fixes the situation for him, gives him money not to starve or even makes loans for him. His brother hasn’t mentioned anything either so it is a confirmation that he is staying away from gambling.

But I don’t know how long it is gonna last, as I said he is seeking no treatment, joining no meetings and believes he is completely cured.

It is not easy to be in my shoes with such big decisions to make. You are right, if everything was as it should be I would not need tranquilizers.

I believe my family would have nothing against him (my father was very supportive in the beginning) if he was not a gambling addict. Now they think he is a liar.

I hope I can make up my mind soon and decide what is the best for me so I can proceed with my life.

The best would be with no pressure, neither from him nor from my family. But unfortunately the pressure goes on.

[velvet]

Hi Sweet
I wish I could say that I think it is ok to take your boyfriend’s word when he says he isn’t gambling but believing a compulsive gambler is not wise. I further believe that he is pushing to get married quickly to deny you the time to know what it is that is right for you and the time you deserve to make such a monumental decision. I don’t hear anything to support his ‘non-gambling’ claim, in the fact that his brother is not enabling him at the moment.
Dear Sweet, there is no ‘cure’ for the addiction to gamble. It takes dedication, courage and treatment to learn to control the addiction but even with all the courage, determination and treatment in the world there is still no cure. If your boyfriend is saying something different then he is possibly fooling himself or possibly deliberately trying to fool you.
I think you are in a very uncomfortable pair or shoes and I hope that by keeping talking here and thinking through your replies that you will soon be able to kick those shoes off and be light-footed again.
Sadly your boyfriend is proving your father right in his assertion that your boyfriend is a stranger to the truth. As long as your boyfriend tells you that he is cured you will know that he is deluding himself. If he was giving you time and space to think about your decision it would not be so bad but trying to hurry you into the unknown shows a total lack of understanding which sadly is a trait of a gambler and not a lover.
You deserve to be loved Sweet – you deserve to be given time.
Velvet

[sweet5000]

There is no way to know whether he is gambling since we are long distance. I only take his words and look for evidences, for example the fact that his brother is not complaining about anything for a while.

Thank you for reminding me that there’s no cure for gambling addiction.

We have not spoken about the subject for some time because all he talks about is marriage and he wants it quick. He has been speaking to agencies to do it in Las Vegas because it is fast and a lot less bureaucratic. He also contacted such services in Denmark for an express marriage.

He wishes me to visit him next month and he wanted me to get pregnant. I don’t know why he is in such a hurry.

So he says he hasn’t been gambling because he wants a family with me and last times we talked about gambling he blamed me by saying he doesn’t think about gambling anymore but as I bring the topic he remembers he has a disease and ends up gambling.

So he basically said that it was my fault that he gambled last time.

At this point he still considers himself cured and still seeks no treatment.

His brother is currently controlling all his finances and I think he doesn’t even have his credit card. He said if I marry him I will have to do this job to control all the finances, keep his credit cards and he will transfer all his salary every month to an account under my name because if he doesn’t have access to money he doesn’t have any way to gamble.

It is a lot to process and I feel I am being pushed to make a very important decision in a hurry. I don’t want to get married in Las Vegas. Crazy.

[velvet]

HI Sweet
I am very concerned that your boyfriend wants marriage and he ‘wants it quick’ – this sound to me like an active gambler talking who doesn’t want you to have time to think.
The compulsion to gamble is a selfish addiction and I hear a selfish man creating a lot of noise about what he wants. I believe the noise is meant to confuse you so that you don’t have the peace to think about what it is that you want. I believe you to be a kind, unselfish person and I suspect you are someone who wants to please – but I beg you to listen to yourself and ask yourself what it is that ‘you’ want.
His haste to get you pregnant is also very worrying. I can assure you that being tied into a marriage with a baby and an husband compulsively gambling is a dreadful way to live.
Having committed Sweet it will be a lot harder to control your own life and security. Surely it would be much better to have a long and thoughtful engagement, than to enter hurriedly into a relationship that is offering no security.
Your boyfriend doesn’t sound as though he is trying to control his addiction at all, he sounds to me like a man who is desperately trying to bully you into a hasty commitment before you have time to see him for what he truly is.
A marriage proposal should be about what both of you want, not just one half demanding ‘I want to get married, I want you pregnant’. This should not be just about what ‘he’ wants Sweet.
Even when you ready, I am sure you will never want to get married in Las Vegas which is the gambling capital of the world – this suggestion merely adds to my concern for you.
Please keep posting and please don’t make any rash decisions.
Velvet

[sweet5000]

Thank you for your reply.

You are right on what you said.

Well, yesterday I broke up with my compulsive gambler fiancé and I am devastated. He is too. He threatened to gamble and throw himself from the balcony.

I was supposed to visit him next month in his country but I couldn’t handle the pressure from my family and I decided to stay.

This was one of the hardest things I have ever done as it kills me to give pain to someone I love.

When I said I was scared about his threat that he would gamble he later replied that he would not and he was just acting like a drama queen. He still says he’s cured without taking any treatment.

I am seriously devastated and I think I won’t participate on this forum anymore as I am no longer going to marry someone related to gambling.

It was very nice of you to reply my messages and give me some comfort so I am here to thank you and appreciate your words.

I am confident he can fully quit this addiction and if it depended on me only I would stay by his side and help him in this battle. The problem was my family. Like I told you, they are not that confident and they said they would never accept someone under these circumstances. I couldn’t go against, I can not leave the country with my whole family telling me they won’t let me do this terrible mistake and I would have to break contact.

I hope I made the right decision. 

It is hurting too much and he is still very persistent that I should make my own choices and move to him.

[velvet]

Hi Sweet
This forum is not just for members going to marry gamblers – it is a forum for those who have been affected by the gambling addiction.
It has seemed to me in your posts that you do not have anybody to talk to and I believe that you need support.
‘Your’ recovery from the experience you have been through is important. I understand why you are hurting and I want to support your through your pain. Please continue to post for as long as you need to – you will always be heard.
In my opinion, your boyfriend has probably shown his true colours to you. Threatening to gamble and throw himself off the balcony is the behaviour of a man with an ‘active’ addiction and not one who is in control. He is demanding that you to take responsibility for his life but you are not responsible for his actions – only he is responsible. If he chooses to gamble – it is not your fault.
I hope in time you will come to realise that you have made the decision that is right for you. I appreciate what you say about your family but I can’t help thinking that your decision is based more on your own concerns than theirs. From all you have said, I think you were right to be concerned.
Speak again soon
Velvet

[sweet5000]

He is still very persistent that we should continue together and says that my family don’t know him and only judges him for being an ex gambler. 

This is very hard because I love him but you are right when you say that I also have my own concerns. We are long distance and sometimes I question if it is really true that he has been gamble free for so long. There is no way to know, all I know is that he is not receiving any kind of help.

If he was someone nearby it would be easier but leaving everything behind and move to another country with those doubts and nobody’s support is very hard.

He feels judged by my family, he says they have prejudices and no one wants to know the man behind the story.

I have always tried to be supportive and said I believed in him that he could win this battle.

My father believes he will gamble again on his first disappointment as this disease has no cure and that is exactly what he told me when I said we had to break up. He threatened to gamble and jump from the balcony, as I told you.

I care about him a lot and worry about him very much but I found it quite abusive to blackmail me like that.

Getting married and leaving the country to a place where everything is unknown are very big steps that I am not ready to take even though I do love him.

I wish he would respect my decision and be more understanding.

[SickinSan Diego]

Hi Sweet,

It breaks my heart to read your story, and as difficult as it may be, I encourage you to stick to your decision.  As a man married for 27 years to a CG, I can tell you it is a living hell.  I am somewhat lucky that I have enough money to absorb the losses (for now), but it still hurts alot.  On top of the gambling, my wife also had affairs with her fellow gamblers that she met in the casino.

I would recommend saying goodbye.  He may threaten suicide, but this is not your responsibility.  I paid (and still paying) the price in stress related health problems for my mistake.  There are many other fish in the sea, and time will heal the wounds you are feeling now. Be strong, and don’t be in a hurry.

Take care

[sweet5000]

I am sorry about your experiences with your wife.

My situation is very difficult because he doesn’t accept the break up.

It makes me very anxious because I don’t wanna hurt him.

We are still in touch and he still expects me to visit him soon but I don’t want to go.

He says he’s not gambling but his brother is in control of his finances because he is afraid of having a relapse due to the stressful situation with me.

He said he wants this relationship at any price and if I don’t go visit he will come to my country.

When I broke up he cried a lot, threatened gambling and suicide, went to work drunk and said he would quit his job and live on welfare drinking all day.

I then told him I would think about all the things he said, I am scared to death of hurting him and then he continued with daily messages and conversations as if nothing has happened.

He wants to buy the tickets today and I have been avoiding him until I finally need another conversation about a break up again and it’s making me extremely anxious.

It is not easy to be on my shoes, I guarantee.

[velvet]

Hi Sweet
You want to please so much that it is making you very vulnerable.
You don’t want to go to see your boyfriend, you don’t want to hurt him and yet he carries on threatening you without any thought for what ‘you’ feel.
He is a compulsive gambler Sweet and he is using underhand tactics to get what ‘he’ wants. You have absolutely no proof that he is not gambling, you have absolutely no proof that his brother is controlling his finances because he may relapse as ‘a result of the stressful situation with me’. This is blatantly putting the blame for a possible gambling relapse at your door and that is not where it should be – ever.
I think, in view of the heavy pressure he is putting you under it would be good if you told him that you cannot/will not agree to see him. It will be painful but I believe that it is important to draw a line under this unhealthy relationship. I think you need to be strong and say ‘no’ so that you can rebuild your confidence. As long as you are replying to him, he will keep making threats because he is a gambler and he is gambling with your mind, hoping to wear you down in the end and make you do what ‘he’ wants.
I can hear how difficult it is to be in your shoes; sadly you are not the first person I have heard who has to cope with such manipulation – because that is what it is Sweet. He is trying to manipulate you for his own gains.
Are you family supporting you now that they know you no longer want to marry this man? I hope so.
Speak again soon
As Ever
Velvet

[sweet5000]

Thank you for your support as always.

I need to be strong and put an end on this extremely unhealthy situation that is destroying me.

You are right, I do not have proof of anything and I don’t know if I can believe all the things he says. I don’t know if I mentioned before but he told me he won 100 thousand euros with gambling 5 years ago. How could he be into so much debt if that was true?

First he said most of the money went back to gambling and next he said it was not on gambling but on buying expensive cars and basically living like a playboy.

Anyways, I don’t believe in this story. I don’t think he won 100 thousand euros from an online casino and I guess he only tells this story to justify why he continues gambling, to say that it is possible to win.

My family encourages me to meet other men and I have support from a therapist and a doctor. They said I can call any time and I will probably do it today. I have been living in extreme anxiety.

Well, I avoided him all day but sooner or later we will have to speak and I will break up again.

Half of his debts are under his brother’s name who made loans for him to cover the gambling losses. I don’t think he will ever pay back, how could he?

I hope I can be strong and get out of this nightmare.

Thank you again for your support.

[velvet]

Dear Sweet
Your latest post tells me that you are strong enough to get out of this nightmare because you are seeing the lies more clearly – it takes time for the lightbulb moment but I suspect that your light is now well and truly switched on.
How he will pay his debts back is his problem Sweet, not yours – you did not make the choice to gamble, he did, you did not lose the money or run up the debts – he did. Yes, it is hard for him to face his demons but he can do it if he wants to enough and I have not heard once, in all your posts, that he wants to control his addiction enough, for himself, or for you.
If he books his ticket Sweet and makes a wasted journey it is his problem – maybe you could ask your father to speak to him on your behalf. If his brother has covered his gambling losses then that it is his problem.
Why do you feel you ‘have’ to speak to him? You are a free woman, you do not ’have’ to do anything.
Stop the destruction of your life Sweet, live in the light and enjoy it.
Velvet

[sweet5000]

Thank you so much for your messages and support! They really mean a lot.

So I broke up with him, explained my reasons and didn’t even mention his gambling problem.

He still calls a lot and sends daily messages but I am not answering. I don’t talk to him for a while now.

It is a pity, what we lived was beautiful and very much intense but he was pressuring me too much for a quick marriage without even proving that he could live gambling free.

When we had the break up conversation he again threatened to gamble and told me terrible things but as I learned on this forum it is not my responsibility if he does gambles.

Later he apologized for all the things he said, he told me he was ashamed and that he would never gamble and I could trust him he is completely cured.

I don’t know how I feel about him anymore after all the things he said but I wish him a wonderful life gamble free.

If he obviously lied about the 100 thousand euros he said he won from an online casino what else could he be lying about?

I have no proof that he is not gambling but I certainly hope he isn’t.

My story ends here, I don’t see how we could go back together.

Thank you very much for your messages, they were truly very helpful.

Wishing you all the best!

A very warm hug from me!

[velvet]

Hi Sweet
I feel relieved for you – hopefully you can now rebuild your confidence and your life.
You have been honest with your boyfriend about the reason for splitting up and I hope he will carry that information through with him into his future. It is possible that your words, said with love and care, will make a difference to him and I think you should be very proud of yourself.
I hope your family have surrounded you with the support you deserve. It takes a special courage to do what you have done.
I salute you
Velvet

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