[izzi25]

Wow what an intense six months it has been. Life has surely thrown a lot of things at me, especially things in the past that would trigger me to gamble. But I am so thankful I can now recognise old patterns and the simple truth is I have no need to really want to gamble anyway. And I have to constantly remind myself of the simple truth that the addiction is not who I am. Just a part of who I was. I don’t actually remember if I have ever been six months clean before, tried looking up old threads to see if I had a post about it but cant find the old threads. And really what does it matter anyway six months is a great achievement. I have paid off my debt, holding down a job, going to counselling and slowly restoring things with my family. Yes, it feels like I am learning to ride a bike again but I tell you it feels so good to be able to begin again. To those of you who are struggling I am proof that its possible. Just one day at a time is all it takes.

I have been on here numerous times being in a huge bind, sharing about all the horrible things I have done like stealing from my parents etc…… and destroying my family. I have been kicked out of home and I have had family members shun me.

What I have done is unspeakable but I am so thankful that, that part of my life doesn’t define me. We are all responsible for our actions and I definitely didn’t get a slip on the wrist, I had to put back together something my two hands have destroyed.
And now my parents have forgiven me, family members are speaking to me and I am slowly earning back their trust. I honestly believed that their was no way out, that this addiction would always be part of my lifestyle. I had made plans in my head if I ever got married to have a secret bank account so that my husband would never have to know. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT!!! But the truth is it was just a messed up lie I told myself because I was ashamed of who I was. I no longer believed in myself and that was enabling me to continue to beat myself up by using all my money at the madhouse. And I know that every day is a battle with cg. But boy it is good to dream again, to live again, to breathe again.

I celebrated today by taking myself to the movies and it felt so good not worrying about having to scrap the funds to buy the ticket. I don’t know how we do this addiction thing. I don’t know how we live with the crippling feeling day in and day out, of not only losing our money but losing ourselves.

I know some of you are feeling really hopeless and helpless right now. I was 25/26 when the addiction started and I destroyed the best part of my younger years by this addiction and instead of building my life I let it crumble all over me. And sometimes when I reflect on what my life should look like I think that I have nothing to show for it, no house, not really any savings, old car etc….. but than I realise something that cant be brought with money and that is; I am more then just a conqueror and I know that the same applies to you as well ??

As long as tomorrow comes you still have hope ??

[Dunc]

Hey Izzy

What a fabulous positive to to start the week… its post like this that give others motivation

Thank you im so proud of how far you’ve come in the time I*ve known you

H

[izzi25]

Hey Harry,

Thank you so much for your encouragement. It has definitely been a wild ride but I truly believe the future is ever so bright. And I can’t wait to look back at this time in my life and see it as nothing more but a passing moment of a few bad choices ??

[vera]

Reading that post is a breath of fresh air Izzi!
So glad you are doing well!

[p]

Wow i am so super proud of you. It is so wonderful to read of the changes that have happened and the positivity of your recovery, all your hard work hasnt gone un noticed, so great to see.. keep us updated, great to see you here again

P

[charles]

Great post Izzy, thank you.

[izzi25]

thank you all for your positive encouragement it has brought a huge smile to my face. I have counselling tomorrow and I know my counsellor will be super excited when I tell her that I made it to six months! I remember so many times leading up to my birthday I would be more determined to be clean and say oh when I turn so and so I will not cg again…..it always backfired. And my birthday is coming up very soon and this time I won’t make myself commit to a promise that will probably cause me to fail. But what I will do is smile knowing I have made it this far and all I have to do is keep going just for today and not have to worry about tomorrow. It takes one day at a time ?? you have the strength to walk past the madhouse (like I do sometimes) and keep on walking!

[p]

So proud of you.. a huge well done to you and i see you have grasped the just for today way.. it is the best way i have found too.. it is so so true.. dont worry about days.. just this day dont gamble and all those todays add up but its only this one that is important for your recovery.. you are going so well and so good to see you are going to counselling too.. everything thrown at this addiciton gives us a better chance of making it , and Izzi.. you are making it

P

[charles]

Glad to hear you are doing well Izzy

[izzi25]

hey, today was a bit of a struggle was tempted to cg and at one point I am like Izzi you don’t even have a need to cg, stupid bad habits! Today I made it wahoo and tomorrow is my birthday.

[izzi25]

Yesterday was my birthday and it was the most tempting day. I went to the casino for dinner with a friend and on my way to the place to eat, I saw some new slot machines and I was like yep once my friend leaves putting in $50 and I am going to gamble, its only $50, its my birthday I could get lucky! then at the restaurant I realised how much pain my cg actions have caused. And it wasn’t worth slipping up, even just for $50 and a bit of fun. All by myself I talked myself out of it ?? it was soooooooooo close better keep my guard up.

[Dunc]

Way to go Izzy….. and please don’t take this as a downer because its not and im so proud of you but you knew where you where going… couldn’t you have ensured you didn’t have any spare cash on you to ensure your safety.

[izzi25]

Harry, as I knew that was where I was going the only thing I had on me was $50 for dinner, but my friend ended up paying instead.

All last week I thought I was going to break, that I was going to backslide! their was no way I would last. I felt like I was going to erupt and the only thing that would set me free was to cg. I reminded myself that everytime something significant or meaningful to me is about to happen I cg. So I racked my brain trying to think what that could be and I remembered I was weeks away from being 7 months clean & from going interstate to see my family. So I told myself hold off to seven months and just wait, you can do this! That helped settle the desire and then on the weekend I saw my sister and she asked me how my recovery was going. And I told her it is good, seeing a counsellor and still clean. She then asked me to elaborate on what that means! I was a bit perplexed cause I thought what I said was self explanatory. And then she said it, how do I know your not gambling? Because I just told you I haven’t and you have access to my bank account. She responds saying I could easily take out a couple of hundred and it wouldn’t look suss at all. She had a point but I assured her. She obviously doesnt know when you start you cant stop. And it pained me to hear her say that, to question me, to have it in her head that she already thought i was guilty. It is exactly what she was implying and she would have been sitting on that for a while. It hurt me that she had no faith on me! I can’t really blame her but it still stings. And it makes me wonder will she ever believe me? She has access to all my finances and she still doubts me! And that was the moment I was glad I did not relapse. Because I do have something to prove, not to me but towards my family. And I don’t know how long its going to take for this mess to be cleaned up but I have a feeling it will be a while.

[izzi25]

7 MONTHS! I AM 7 MONTHS CLEAN! this is such a breakthrough! this is the longest amount of time I have been clean in the past 7-8 years. I actually feel brave ?? and more than ever I know how much this is but only the beginning of the recovery journey. And I see a future with such hope imagining what life would look like 7 months from now :). Stay strong everyone, one day at a time!

[Dunc]

Izzy what a fabulous achievement, I’ve known you years and seen the struggles and obstacles in your way but you’ve brushed them aside and started to really make the changes need… you should be so proud

[p]

Congratulations friend.. that is such wonderful news. You are doing so well, keep it going just a day at a time. its so good isnt it to feel recovery

P

[Anonym]

Well done Izzy !! Seven months !! Wow what am achievement . Maybe your sister had doubts because of where u went for your meal.
I know it’s disappointing but its also great that she cares and keeps you accountable .

You are doing amazingly well and reading of your success is really helpful. It can be done !! You are doing it!

Well done !!

[izzi25]

Thanks everyone for your sweet supportive words it really encourages and uplifts me so thank you. Seven unfortunately that isn’t what gave her the doubt. But I can understand where she is coming from but it still makes me sad.

I just spent a few days off visiting my family and it felt so good. Previously in the past when I did visit, always was broke. I would always cg the day before or that actual day and LOSE nearly everything. And would literally hang out at the place I was staying out looking for loose change. So if I had to pay for something they couldn’t tell I had no money. I know how bad is that! how did I ever live like that? I feel so sick thinking about it. And the funny thing is their was change lying around everywhere, the old Izzi would have taken it out of desperation the new me couldn’t care less.
Oh it feels good to be clean.

One day at a time and before I know it ill be at 8 months.

[charles]

Well done Izzy. I’m glad you are seeing and enjoying the benefits of recovery ??

[p]

How are things going for you? Keep checking in to let us know whats happening. Wishing you all the best

P

[izzi25]

How time goes by so quickly, sorry that I haven’t touched based, just been really busy. I have a lot going on, its stressing me out a little bit. This week marks 8 months clean, very happy with that result. For some reason I am super excited about making it to the 9 month mark. I am proud of myself and beginning to trust myself more and more. And even becoming more confident in myself and even my perspective of life is improving. I think being clean and getting rid of the negativity it brings is really helping. AS well as the counselling and the continuity of dreaming and still hoping that their is still so much good and joy for me to experience. That nothing is over, everything is just beginning.

[p]

Well done on your gamble free time that is awesome.. keep going just for this day not gambling and those days do add up.. you have done so well and its good you are busy and adding things into your life.. well done

P

[izzi25]

how are you going? please tell me what is going on with you?

I made it another day, going to make it to another pay week gamble free ??

[p]

I am good thanks been through some strange times but all good I’m gamble free 11 months and life is getting better, so glad to be away from the madness

P

[izzi25]

wow 11 months that is INCREDIBLE! I am so so so soooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you! What month do you think you were the most excited about, in terms of being clean? Like all other months, its just another day, however, over the moon about month 9 ??
I want to know all these strange things. Hope your ok sweetheart?

[jennaraye88]

Just been reading through your thread and I’d like to say thank you for sharing your positivity and excitement. I’m currently on day 2 so it’s a long road ahead from me, but seeing that there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel is helping me through the first dark stages.

Keep well my friend x

[izzi25]

How are you going? I believe in you! this addiction can be done. I barely think of gambling anymore, tomorrow I will be 9 months clean ?? so excited. I am making progress in all areas of my life and it is good to begin to see a future again.

[izzi25]

9 months clean I DID IT! yay! feel relieved like I was holding my breath waiting just to make it another week to get to my 9 months. I miscalculated last week and realised I still had another week to go. The journey has been good, slowly saving and not thinking as much about cg. I realised that my automatic trigger response to gamble to become rich has subsided a lot which is a good sign. Sometimes I feel like I have come so far, other days like its my first day clean and I am holding on tight just to get through the day. Hope I never ever forget what gambling has done to me and more then anything what I allowed it to do.

[p]

Well done Izzi, keep going a day at a time

P

[izzi25]

hey sweetheart, thank you for your encouragement.
You reminded me I need to see my counsellor without even realising it. Feeling good and dreaming about actually living a normal life that involves having money and keeping it LOL

[izzi25]

Had surgery last week and I am recovering at the moment which always leads to reflective time. And although I am still not proud of where I am, I know I am proud of what I have come out of. Today was a tempting day but I went through the motions of uncovering why I wanted to go and talked myself out of it. Nothing is worth going down that road again, no amount of money can justify it. So, today is one more day that I am cg free.
I go back to work in a couple of days and I will channel my desire and need for money by working at it. I seriously cant live forever with my parents, I am 33 for goodness sake!

[vera]

Sorry to hear you had surgery, Izzi. I hope it wasn’t too serious . I wish you a full and speedy recovery.
Gambling , on the other hand does not come with a speedy recovery. If you stay away though your recovery will be FULL. One day at a time. I reckon you must be about 9 months free now ? Why blow it?
Take it easy!

[female g]

so amazing to have done so well over the past 9 months,no easy task for sure. I too had a 9 month milestone and for a reason I don’t understand found my way back to it. So never get complacient ok. Stay on track and never think your totally in control like I did. I never was in control I realize that now.
I wanted to throw this out there as well. I hope it helps. I see that those of us who are true cg’s never ever win and become satisfied. we will just keep going and the addiction takes completely over. Anyone in a casino who wins a jackpot usually say they only got there money back and never leave with the winnings . So it proves there really are no winners EVER!!!

[izzi25]

hey sweetheart, thank you for your well wishes! I am 9 months clean, leaning every day closer to the 10 month mark. Exactly, why blow it! I choose to stay away today.

[izzi25]

oh hun so sorry to hear that! hopefully your back on track and will hit the milestone again and do even greater. Yes I constantly remind myself never to think its under control. It only takes one spin to ruin my life again. And I have had 8 years too many of that, already! at some point I have to start living my life instead of trying to undo all my mistakes.

Thank you for reading my threading and for taking the time to post.

[izzi25]

You know I can hide as long as I like, but I cant hide for forever not from you guys anyway. And why should I be afraid to tell you that I am full of shame? That I feel like I am further back then from when I even started trying to first get clean years ago. I mean this is what everyone expected, right! That it was only a matter of time before I would fail. That I am not as strong, or brave or even disciplined as others are and have many more flaws and weaknesses. So, this is what I do, I hide. I shut the world out until I don’t let it see any part of me because even if they see a little, they’ll know, oh they will know that I did it again. That door opened and I didn’t shut it and I let the thrill and the spins convince me that maybe for once I could win. That Izzi could actually fix her damage, undo some of the financial strain in her life, it would be bliss, it would be worth it.

Wow that felt good to let out! And I was speaking about my perception of my families perception, sorry had to vent. Just dealing with this cg rampage I have been on for about 5 weeks. You would never believe how bad it got, actually you would cause we know what its like. But its bad so bad, went from NO DEBT, to having a couple of thousand in savings, to having, over 13,000 in debt from a personal loan that I used only for cg, to having cash advances I have to pay off + 1500 overdraft. I am literally DROWNING in debt and have more expenses then income right now. And I honestly just want to slam my head into a wall when I think about it, like what possessed me! when during all of that did I stop to JUST BREATH AND THINK CLEARLY! What is eating me most is the shame, the guilt. I told my counsellor and some others, but it doesn’t seem to have helped as much as I thought it would be. Even though my family doesn’t know (and they wont, counsellor has agreed its not good, because they are very unhealthy and destructive to my healing process with cg) I know I let them down and it kills me. And maybe it kills me so much because I know that really the only person I have let down is myself. How in the world will I undo any of this, see you later travelling, see you later moving out of home, see you later LIFE! And for what, someone tell me for what! I was days away from 11 months and I kissed it goodbye.

My job SUCKS (more the people I work with) I travel far and work long hours and I cant even walk out tomorrow. I have nothing to my name but debt so I cant afford to not have a job But I tell ya been dreaming of walking out. I have backed myself up against a very big wall.

I don’t know how to do tomorrow, I am really unhappy. I watched this TED talk on cg and the guy made a comment that stuck to me. It was about how we cg because we fee disconnected or lost etc….. and some of us cg because we cant bare to be present in our lives. That hit me hard because it is so true in my life. And I tried not to breakdown when I heard that, not to get completely undone because I was afraid I wouldn’t know how to stop it. I am a very broken person inside and at times so unhappy. And I don’t know how this started, but it sprung from my childhood. But I must have made a vow or something that I could try never be happy. Because I don’t feel whole and I struggled when I came back from my trip in the states because I was so happy there. When I came back I realised that I was still unhappy but the US made me forget. And I have never EVER actually said this before to anyone. Not sure if I even have the courage to open up to my counsellor to say, I am so broken because deep deep down inside I am unhappy. And I carry it with me, its on my shoulder (not very often) but its presence lingers. And cg can never shut it up, although I probably wanted it to. But now I have a beginning and recovery starts from today, well tomorrow, cg today.

[Anonym]

Izzi, you are gamble free as from now.
You know how quickly you made progress and you will again.
It is just so difficult…I wish there was surgery to remove the addiction part of the brain.
Debt stinks but we can get it sorted. There are ways to tackle even seemingly overwhelming debt.
Well done on your honesty. Your fresh start begins today . You have proven to yourself that you can get back on track . You will do it again

[charles]

Hi Izzi,

Well done on getting back here and being honest. Talk to your counsellor, use all the support you can. Keep posting. One day at a time can achieve great things.

[p]

Well done on coming back, being honest, and admitting where you are at. I totally get where you are right now because I have been there that many times too.
Have you been able to find a gamblers anonymous meeting?
I think it could really be of benefit to you. Hang in there Izzi, this time will pass and you will be able to put this behind you. Find more support, you need it at this time. Keep posting how you feel. It will get better Izzi. Put things in place now that will make it harder for you to gamble.
I know it feels the bottom of the barrel right now, it’s temporary. You have made a start, you are on a new day now, a new path. We are with you.

P

[izzi25]

Your words are like sunshine that lift me up and give me hope. Thank you so much for responding, felt so down until I read you precious words, thank you for reminding me of the truth. One day at a time ??

[izzi25]

Thank you SO MUCH, don’t really have anything in place to keep me from cg. I can ensure my access to money is restricted and things like that. I know it starts off with me having a desire to want to stop and I feel I have that and I know that will help me.
Today I felt better expressing myself and sharing yesterday. After I posted I went and journalled and it felt great. But I still feel overwhelmed by my emotions and thoughts.

How did you deal with being unhappy if that is how you felt? Did you ever realise why?

[Anonym]

Izzy, I am taking a supplement which reduces gambling urges. I have been on it for about two months but it seems to be really kicking in. When I miss it for a few days however the urges are as bad as ever. It is called NAC. Perhaps you could google it and see what you think.?
It is hard to feel happy until you stop gambling. In truth I am still hiding so much I feel anxiety and fear all the time, but I know from the past that life gets better and better without gambling.
Do whatever it takes to get yourself gamble free. You will find that happiness will return to your life

[p]

I think when we stop gambling a range of emotions come to the surface and need to be worked through. We have stuffed a lot of emotions down by being in addiction. I found for me I went through a lot of emotion from being numb to melting the block of ice I had become. I already had mental health issues with depression and anxiety but it got to a point I needed medication which I continually fought. Happy I went on it now. It takes a while for the head to unscramble I think.
I know that you can do this journey Izzi, you have gone for extended periods not gambling before. Can you add something in now to strengthen your recovery. I can’t recommend GA highly enough. I know it’s not for everyone but it’s specifically for this addiction, support and strength.
I know it’s hard, I know the pain, keep going. Just for today don’t gamble. Find rewards for not gambling, movies, meals, dvd, book, friends. Do little things for you along the way, be kind to you and wipe that past and start fresh. You are a good person fighting an addiction and the great thing is you are here. Don’t give up Izzi. Maybe join a group here if u get the chance. Talk on the one on one line if u need. Keep going, you can do it, you will be ok.

P

[izzi25]

Your advice is priceless and so encouraging! Gambling really does screw up our emotions and we miss so much stuff cause our heads are in the clouds. P, before cg I was emotionally messed up I just did not know it. And then I began to think I was messed because of cg but that just heightened and added to my emotional state. Even when I am cg free I can feel numb. And I am seeing a counsellor speaking about some of these things but not in depth. I will need to begin to work on topics so she can help me.

Fear, never heard of that substance hmmmm interesting. With my recovery if I have a desire to stop and I get the urges I am getting better at fighting them by just reminding myself that gambling causes damage and no money is worth it. And it worked for the past 10 months. I will need to put in new steps and find new ways to cope.

Im not sure about GA never been drawn to it, don’t think it is for me. But I do need to be with people who understand and who I can connect with in order to move on. Right now I am not making any decisions to do anything except to decide not to cg.
The rewards thing is great although, right now still in punishment mode, not feeling to treat myself to anything. I have all these social gatherings coming up and I have to make up excuses because I just dont have the money to go out. Everyone wants to have lunch or dinner etc etc…..so yeah, this is the decision I made.

P, it really touched me when you said I am a good person. This means more then you will ever know, in fact your message made me teary. It is so hard living with shame and also dealing with being part of a family that has never understood me and who I just can’t seem to reconcile with. My heart has been breaking, mind has been shutting down and I am physically drained. And of course I cant go anywhere to clear my head because I dont have the money.

Another day to being clean #day2 ??

[izzi25]

Five days clean feeling hopeful already, which is a feeling I thought would be impossible to feel again. Because the desire was too strong so was the sinking feeling of continuously drowning in very bad choices.

I have told myself to do whatever it is that makes me happy and go at it. I make my own happiness I dictate my own life. So sick of being consumed of things in the past. It is time to move towards the future and I am actually smiling.

[p]

Well done..
So glad you are continuing with recovery. Each time you have relapsed you learn from it. Each time gets worse and that bit harder. This time you are back with a smile and determination. Make sure that whatever you did before you add something more in to the mix of your recovery. Just advice, not lecturing, i just mean if what you were doing before didnt work then add something else to strengthen your recovery. Do you have a close friend who you could confide in, sometimes its good to have someone to talk to about it, but still the best ones for me have always been GA members or people from here, they are the ones who get it.
They are all going through or have been through what you are right now. So there is that understanding.
So happy for you Izzi that you have the determination, that that switch has been flicked toward wanting recovery. Keep posting, keep talking. Just take it a day at a time, just for this day dont gamble. Hang in there chickadee. You are back on track.

P

[izzi25]

Relapsed this week and I do not feel guilty! It was my choice I gamble two nights in a row as the second night was coming to an end, I knew that this had to end. Even though I was winning and was feeling a very small victory in comparison to what I had lost. I knew that to keep going would be to destroy myself. So I walked out and reminded myself how many great things I have going for me. And that I didn’t want to stuff it up, after all I deserve to be happy.

Its very hard not going back after you win because you feel that rush and excitement. Today was a bad day and I almost found myself their. I don’t feel strong for resisting just foolish for even having such a crazy idea.

Thanks for listening.

[charles]

Hi Izzi,

Well done on coming here and posting honestly. You are right, it is particularly hard to stop gambling after a win, even when we know that win is in reality more like a high interest loan if we do cary on gambling. Talk to your counsellor, maybe post a little more often here and join the groups etc.

Keep posting.

[izzi25]

Today is day 6 and it feels so GOOD! I have been relapsing for the past two months. The past couple of weeks I was choosing to be consumed by the need to win. I know I could have stopped but didn’t want to and that really scared me, but it didn’t stop me. Last Thursday when I was gambling and losing yet again, I was beginning to lose the desire to cg. And even though I was losing at the pokies, I actually left with some money, which doesn’t normally happen to a cg. As we all know its all or nothing! The next day I was thinking about how hard life has been and how I have a desire to make things better. And I thought about how much of a rut my life has been not only because of cg but other issues. And I realised that I was actually destroying my life by cg. It just hit me and I got the revelation that I was part of the demise of my downfall. In that moment, it was like a switch inside my head turned off & the desire to cg was no more. I am already feeling powerful, happy and very light. That revelation has led to a lot of shame and guilt actually disappearing. I woke up and saw that I was working myself to the bone because of the guilt of my finances. One could see it as me working hard to get on top of finances but I have been working hard/long hours to punish myself for my foolish mistakes. And It was no longer time for punishment but time for redemption and redeeming my own self image.
So now if I want to leave my job tomorrow I can do that without fear. Because cg no longer cripples me, life’s a journey but with every journey you need to take risks. And I remembered I am a risk taker, obviously been taking bad risks, but now its time to take good ones. To gamble on LIFE and not gamble for life ??

[izzi25]

Today is day 6 and it feels so GOOD! I have been relapsing for the past two months. The past couple of weeks I was choosing to be consumed by the need to win. I know I could have stopped but didn’t want to and that really scared me, but it didn’t stop me. Last Thursday when I was gambling and losing yet again, I was beginning to lose the desire to cg. And even though I was down I still left with some money, which doesn’t normally happen to a cg. As we all know its all or nothing! The next day I was thinking about how hard life has been and how I have a desire to make things better. And I thought about how much of a rut my life has been not only because of cg but other issues. And I realised that I was actually destroying my life by cg. It just hit me and I got the revelation that I was part of the demise of my downfall. And it was almost like a switched turned of at that stage and cg desire was no more. I am and already feeling powerful, happy and so much life. And that decision has led to a lot of shame and guilt actually disappearing. Realised I was unhappy because I was working myself to the bone because of the guilt of my finances. One would see it as me working hard to get on top of finances but I realised I was working hard to punish myself for my foolish mistakes.
So now if I want to leave my job tomorrow and not have another job lined up I can do that without fear. Because cg no longer cripples me, life is journey but with every journey you need to take risks. And I remembered I am a risk taker, obviously been taking bad risks, but now its time to take good ones. To gamble on LIFE and not gamble for life ??

[vera]

Great post,Izzi!
„Choosing to be consumed by the need to win“ says it all.
We all have Free Will. We need to remember that BEFORE we make bad choices,
Best of „luck“ in your new job!

[Autor]

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