- Αυτ? το θ?μα ?χει 450 απαντ?σει?, 32 φων?? και ενημερ?θηκε τελευτα?α φορ? 5 ?τη, 4 μ?νε? πριν απ? τον χρ?στη .
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Συντ?κτη?Δημοσιε?σει?
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I have started this thread and I make a promise to myself to update it every single day, all I ever know is if I can get through “one day at a time” gamble free I will be ok, gambling changes me and turns me into a person I don’t want to be, I have lost many things because of gambling but most importantly I still have my wife, children and sanity and for all those things I am so very grateful.
“we choose what we do with our lives but we have to live with the consequences”
Maverick
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Thinking of you Lee.
Is everything ok? ‘Hope you’re not ill.
My son and his GF came last night for the weekend to put up the decorations. We just ate and relaxed last night. I wanted the visit to be special for her. She has some bad Christmas memories. I had all the boxes taken down from the attic over the last few weeks and most of the decorations sorted. Hubby made a new crib (Charles would say “why do you want two ‘cribs'”?lol!! We got two trees and four rooms decorated. Hubby and I would run rings around the young ones but I enjoyed their input .Son cooked and we opened two boxes of really nice chocs to celebrate. My youngest son is AWOL………….
Enjoy your kids when they are young, Lee. Life is short and they grow up too fast! I still expect to see mine in their Christmas P Js , freshly bathed , looking up the chimney and listening for sleigh bells. Those days are gone. Tempus neminem manet!
Give us an update.
You are on my mind a lot! -
Thanks for your concern Vera you are a good women, life has been a nightmare over the last 2 weeks and it hasnt stopped yet……….one thing after another, tomorrow is going to be a massive turning point in my life for one reason or another I cant say to much for obvious reasons but cutting a long story short someone did something to my wife! And then I did something to that someone and now I am in alot of trouble………another one of my many character defects to top that I have been in and out of hospital with health issues and on top I can hardly walk at the moment…………what in the world is going on I just dont know!!!!!
Just for today I didnt gamble, I need to sort out a massive amount off stuff to just get mine and my families lives back on track and heading in the right direction…………I seem to always be able to cope with whatever has happened in life but at the moment I am really struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel…….
Thank you again Vera for thinking off me I really hope you are keeping well my friend and hope this finds you well, thanks to everyone for your ongoing support it really does mean alot, take care and wish you all well.
I will keep updating daily from now on as this site is a massive help in my recovery, speak soon.
Maverick
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Hi Lee
I hope that the unpleasant circumstances that have been thrust upon you are resolved soon and without any ongoing worries for you and your wife.
Life does kick us hard at times and when it does we need to double our strength and determine to work things through without being distracted – you are doing well recognising gambling would only add to your worries.
There is light at the end of the tunnel Lee but you need to keep walking forward until you can see it, there are many people, including me, who are willing to walk with you.
Keep posting – there will always be someone listening who cares about you
Velvet -
just thought it was worth mentioning Lee. Here goes !!! What if you stop trying to make promises just for now while you are working recovery. I say that because broken promises cause so much pain for cg’s and for those you make promises too. We mean well and want to do right by those we love but it is such a difficult and slippery path we are on that it only adds more to deal with. Just letting those we love see that we are trying and let our actions speak for themselves. Hope that makes sense and hope it helps. I have given up on promises because i don’t want to hurt myself or the ones I love . This addiction hurts them enough as it is. FG
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Velvet thankyou for your constant and ongoing support it really does mean a great deal to me, I have been many things in life and many of them I am not proud of, I work hard at getting my life back on track and being a good husband, a good farther, loving and sharing my life with the many people I love (in fairness like I should have always done in life) then you just get caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time and in the wrong situation……….life can just change in a blink of an eye……………we should always remember to live one day at a time and never take anything for granted.
Female G thanks for posting and sharing I am always keen and willing to listen to people, people sharing helps me live my recovery one day at a time.
Just for today I didnt gamble as for tomorrow I am sure I wont gamble but I dont know what else life has in store for me……….still sat on that rollercoaster but this time its a different ride!!!!!!!!
Wish you all well……”without hope we have nothing”
Maverick
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I just want to post to wish you all a very happy christmas, I really hope you all have a wonderful time over the next few days and send out my very best to each and every one of you.
I am a lucky man……..there is no doubt, I sit here tonight with my wonderful wife and my two wonderful children…….I cannot ask for anything else in the world………..I dont have much money but what I do have money can’t buy and please God let me always remember that…….just for today I do.
I lost a very good friend in May this year, he was only 5 years older than me and left a wife and two children 8 years and 5 years very similar ages to my two, my thoughts and heart go out to them as this is there first christmas without him, he is often in my thoughts as is his wife and children………………God rest his soul……….there is no doubt I am a lucky man and just for today I thank God for that.
Happy christmas all, stay strong, stay close to people who care and hope you all have a great christmas.
Thanks to all for your support, helpful words, kindness, truthfulness and just being around………it means a great deal to me, in truth more than I could ever put in words so to some it up………thankyou.
Take care and never give up, there are always people who care about us even if we dont know who they are.
Maverick
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Today I gambled………………I have messed up once again and caused major financial and emotional damage I can live with my mess but I hate seeing what it does to the people I love yet I still do it time and time again………..sometimes I nearly give in I honestly do but I must find the strength to not only repair the damage I have done but to try the hardest I possibly can to make myself into a better man, I feel beat, drained and really ****** off with myself, just got out of hospital yesterday and went into stuipd distruction mode……..no need for it I just need to sort myself out, I am not in self pitty mode I am in kick my own arse mode and sort yourself out once and for all.
I am a compulsive gambler God I know that so I just cant gamble in any way shape or form……………………..just for today I give up but for tomorrow I will pick myself up and try and be the best man I can possibly be, sorry for letting myself and everyone else down, I dont know why I keep walking down the same road into the same pile off **** everytime……….just for today my only conclusion is I am a ****, the only consulation is my wife and kids had a great christmas because off not gambling I managed to sort everything out……………now because off gambling I have wreked everything and in for a bloody long January…………I have always hated the new year!!!!!
Maverick
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I always hated the New Year as well… everyone celebrating while I knew it would be the same old same old for me.
That can change though Mav, can your wife help by looking after the money? What other additional barriers can you put in place?
You have always hated the New Year? then it is probably a vulnerable time for you; what other times of the year do you hate? Use your knowledge Mav, plan your time. keep posting.
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just keep trying Mav, you can’t give in or up. Time to look at another strategy perhaps ok. Have you considered looking back on your own posts to find motivation.
Involve those that you love to help if you lack strength at this time. Things have really changed for me since I made that change.
Those we love also have alot to loose so give them a chance to help its only fair. FG -
Charles thanks always for your ongoing support and input it means a great deal, Female G likewise thank you very much for the reply it means a great deal to me, thank you to everyone who I have spoken with and shared with you are all a massive help in my life and in truth more than you could ever know, there are too many to name but you all know who you are anyone I have shared just one word with and in truth even people I haven’t shared with I draw hope from your inspirational posts, so to each and everyone of you I would just like to say thank you, happy new year and hope you all have a great 2016…………………if there was ever a reason to change and you needed a day to do it I couldn’t think of a better start date than 01.01.2016.
Take care and wish you all well.
Maverick
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Today was a tough day but I must keep fighting………if nothing changes then nothing changes………….just for today I wasnt the best person I could have been and for that I am sorry but I cant change the past believe me I wish I could but I cant and in truth I can live with that, there always seems to be so much stress and worry in life , health, work, family, kids just to name a few……………………I will keep fighting and I will keep working at becoming a better man one day at a time, today I wasnt the best man in the world but I definatley wasnt the worse.
Will always wish each and everyone of you all the very best in the world and I hope just for today you all get the happiness you so deserve.
Maverick
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Hi Maverick, Thanks for thinking of me and checking in on my thread. I am sorry you are struggling from a recent slip, but it sounds like you had a nice Christmas with your family. Focus on that and how it was better because of the gamble-free time you had leading up to the Holidays. Progress.
The time following Christmas and then the New Year has always been difficult for me too. Lots of urges. I actually made plans in my mind to gamble. I wasn’t able to follow through because other things came up.
None of us are perfect, but the important thing is to continue trying, continuing on the journey of recovery, which will continue to bring improvement to our lives. Hang in there.
I am also sorry to hear you were in the hospital. I’ll keep you in my prayers. I wish you good health and a happy, prosperous new year! -
Ican, you are a wonderful person and will always wish you the happiness you so deserve and P likewise it is always so good to hear from you, you are such a kind soul who deserves all the happiness in the world, thank you both for your supportive posts and kind words, wish you both all the very best in the world.
Maverick
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Well obviously we are all here for a reason and that is just a fact of life, we all have the power to do whatever we want to do in life and that is also just a fact of life……………..are people generally good or are people generally bad………..now that is a matter of opinion, in my honest opinion we can all be good and we can all be bad (as all of us well know) so is it a case of doing more good than bad in our life…………….I think so, so why do we do bad things………………who knows, I have never classed gambling as a “bad thing” as such, the consequences off my gambling lead to many “bad things” all created from me of course and in turn cause a domino effect ending up in a world of pain (can I add every time I decide to make that first bet) so this is a cycle………….and if I choose to gamble again I complete the wheel in this cycle and it starts again…………..I have heard of the term vicious circle…………….well if I dont break that Circle or cycle then nothing will ever change, the same things will just happen over and over again with the same result, now this doesnt take a rocket scientist to work out but being a compulsive gambler it does take a lot of hard work to brake the cycle, its a classic actually meaning “if nothing changes then nothing changes” so ok things have to change, what works for one will not for another so its time to dig deep and really find out what works for me, once I find what really works for me I will hold onto it for dear life and use it till my dying day…………
This is such a long winded post so unnecessary and in answer to my question what is the meaning of life the answer is pure and simple……………….
“love each other as we should love ourself”
Life seems to be like a roller coaster and at times I dont know when or how to get off……
Maverick
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I have read through all that you have written maverick and know exactly how you feel. I have been gambling since my early twenties and have after 40 odd years still not learnt a damn thing. The difference between us is that I have ruined two marriages and virtually lost my seven wonderful children. I have nowhere I can call my own and have been sleeping on sofas for years. Iam now waiting for a bed at Gordon Moody and it cannot happen quickly enough for me because I am at rock bottom. I don’t understand why I gamble but know that it has controlled my life for too long and I must overcome this gambling cancer soon. I wish you all the luck in the world my friend because just by being here and expressing your feelings will be a great help for both of us. Let us both have a happier year in 2016, I wish you and your family peace and prosperity in the coming year but that depends on you and I am sure you are aware of that.
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Thanks for the reply riverdaleboy, I am sorry to hear off your loss over the gambling years, as we both well know this addiction can and will take everything if we let it!
I hope you get a place come up soon at Gordon Moody and hope you can turn your life around (I know you can and always remember it is never too late) we just have to keep fighting and moving our lives in the right direction, being a compulsive gambler doesn’t make us bad people but I know being a compulsive gambler makes me do bad things!!!!
Thanks again for posting and thanks for the kind words, its always nice to know someone is on the same wave length……..no mater what frequency that is!, I wish you all the very best in the world, take care and look after yourself.
Maverick
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It seems you have been through a lot lately, Lee.
Gambling solves none of it. We all know that.
I hope your health issues are resolved. Every problem is magnified when we are ill. I often gambled to escape health issues.
I wish you good health and a gamble free New Year. As you say “if nothing changes, nothing changes”!
Be kind to yourself! Like you always are to others! -
you seem to have the answers Mav, just believe it them enough to prevent serious consequences.
I think we cg’s need to be hard on ourselves to break the cycle or we will talk ourselves into disaster.
Those of us who live without this addiction truly can’t understand how to help us completely so it is on our shoulders to take it on and commit 100% to it. its called responsibility and accountability. That doesn’t mean we are immune from failure just that if we want to fix the problem it really is just up to us as individuals. If we rely on those arournd us and they fail us we can allow that to be reason to give up our recovery and gamble as an excuse I feel. Hope this is helpful FG -
Vera thanks for your kind words and support as always it means a great deal to me, really hope you are keeping well and well done on staying strong and not gambling, female G likewise thank you for your kind words and ongoing support, hope you are also doing well and staying strong, I wish you both all the happiness in the world, look after yourselves and take care.
Maverick
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I wake up many times at night, haven’t slept well for years, thoughts of gambling, thoughts of not gambling, unpaid bills, health issues, worry about my wife, kids, work, myself, I get up the early hours of the morning and think about gambling, do I have money, can I get money, what do I want to gamble on, am I going to gamble today, mind is racing 100 mph and trying to wind it down…………..my life is like 100 mph and I don’t stop and think not for a second, as the day wears on I obtain money, I gamble, I lose (I always lose because I can never stop…….thats why I am a compulsive gambler), I get annoyed…….with myself (justified)…….with others (unfairly) turn into someone I truly am not……..someone I hate, I feel ****, I get moody, mood swings, depressed but most of all bemused, why do I keep doing what I am doing, I drink……alot……..to much…….need to cut down, I drink to forget……….to help me sleep…….it works for a while but it’s not right…….it isn’t the answer, then I wake up many times in the night, feel **** and thoughts of gambling, how can I pay my bills, I have just lost even more money……….I lose it faster than the queen can print it, its not right………….., I know the answer, need to shake myself up and stay gamble free one day at a time, its the only way, I get feed up with sharing saying I have slipped up again, I am sure people think come on son get a grip of the situation…..slipped again, waste of space, in truth I don’t care what people think but I want to sort myself out, I need to sort myself out, I am a liar, thief (sort off), manipulator, hurtful, resentful, uncaring, angry, moody and depressed……..but only when I gamble!
I am a compulsive gambler and will always be one, just for today I did gamble but I walked away after my first bet (a loser) and still had money on me……..I am taking the wife out for a meal tonight and needed to keep that money as she deserves a nice night out she hasn’t had one for a while, I must be getting better because before I would have lost every penny and then some, just disappointed I made a bet, I have to and need to stay away from that first bet, I have just come home and gave my wife the money for the meal tonight so I don’t get tempted to go out and gamble.
I am not making a good job of life at the moment and I need to do a lot better, just for today I believe God is looking down and saying get a grip and sort yourself out you are better than this, I promise I am listening and I promise I will work on being a better man but just for today I messed up again!!!
Thank you for listening to my post, thanks for being here, sharing, caring and supporting, I wish you all the very best in the world in your recovery and also lives, thanks again for just being around.
Maverick
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Well done on walking out after the first bet, Lee.
Well done on not chasing your loss.
Well done on keeping some money for a meal out.
Well done on giving that money to your wife.
Well done on recording how you feel.
Well done on looking around at what you have and not what you don’t have.
Gambling comes and goes. It is not YOU! Don’t define yourself by your faults and flaws. Nobody is perfect.
I sometimes ask “how will I live without gambling?” The answer is “a CG cannot live WITH gambling”. When we gamble something inside us dies.
Put this episode behind you.
Start again.
Never look back.
I haunt myself with gambling regrets too.
Walking out with money shows you are making progress.
Take it from here and don’t crucify yourself.
Don’t let gambling take your hope as well as your money.
Keep moving forward Maverick. Looking back can be dangerous. Focus on now. It’s all any of us have.
Well done on posting.
Enjoy your night out. -
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…………….I am lost for words……………just for today I will not gamble.
I am on my lunch break and have just been reading some posts, went to post on mine and have just had a complete mind blank, just didnt know what to say………so I didnt say it!!!
Just for today I havent and will not gamble and with that I am more than happy, thanks to everyone for your ongoing support it means a great deal to me and I wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your recovery and life.
Maverick
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I am a compulsive gambler and I have been for many years, in that time I have done many bad things and really hurt (not physically) my wife, children, parents and many others, this has a lasting effect on them and I know they don’t and never will see me in the same way ever again (though I am working hard for them to really remember the real me) as a compulsive gambler for over 20 years, hurting the people closest to me over and over again, false promises, lies, stealing, more lies, fabricated stories just to mention a few, these take there toll on people and I understand the people I have hurt will and have every right to be angry, I just have to let people have there opinions and they deserve them because I have caused them a lot of pain, we all need to express how we feel and we all have different ways of dealing with the pain that has been caused……………………..
A friend or Family member is going to feel upset with there compulsive gambler and so rightly so………….I can’t imagine the pain and suffering they go through, like Vera rightly mentioned on another thread I was reading at least we know we are going to “start the cycle” again and the friend or family member has no idea……….probably just hoping, praying we have seen the light.
I am sorry for all the pain I have caused, I truly am, I promise just for today I will not gamble, I am looking at my wife now browsing the next catalogue and my children playing the wi……….they all look happy and content I am sitting in the same room with them and while writing this chatting and laughing about silly things in life………….time is precious and I have wasted a lot………but just for today I will not gamble.
Thanks for reading, take care and wish you all the very best whoever you are.
Maverick
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….and while gambling we wasted so much time. I think if some one offered me the choice of the time or the money back, I would, without hesitation, choose the time. Sadly, we won’t ever have that choice.
Great post Maverick. You paint a picture of contentment.
A sort of serenity that gambling will never give .
Maybe your wife would benefit from Gamanon or Fand F? I’m sure she has been through a lot. -
So very true Vera, the time lost is priceless, we have to be thankfull for every moment we have.
I have mentioned to my wife various times about gamanon and the F & F section on this site and they are both very helpful and supportive, she uses them when she feels she has too and gets the advice she needs, just for today I will not gamble, I never wanted to be a compulsive gambler and in truth I dont really know when I crossed that line, what I do know now is I did cross it……….by a country mile and then sum.
Thanks for the support as always Vera, I hope you are keeping well, take care and speak soon.
I wish each and everyone of you all the happiness in the world, always remember to stay strong, keep fighting and never give in.
Maverick
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Hi Maverick, I loved picturing your family as you described them, enjoying time together. Times like that when I could stop and look at my family filled me with such joy. But, I think the important thing is to take the time to realize how special those little moments are, as you did. Perhaps, that is a gift of our addiction. We know we have passed these moments by, and we can choose to do so again, but for this moment we can be here. We can be present.
The thing I love most about recovery is the feeling of being where I am meant to be. I have to admit it isn’t always the place I want to be, but there is peace in not running away. You are doing great. Try not to beat yourself about the choices you have made in the past. Every day is a new day. Take care, my friend. -
Ican thankyou for your ongoing support and your kind words, today I am in a mess and in truth dont know what way to turn, there are many times in life that I have had enough and want to finish it, sometimes things just get to much as I know we all know, I know what is right and I know what is wrong but I still do what ever I feel I should (a childs approach really) anyway just for today I have had enough and in truth have lost the will to live………I say this because it is honestly the way I fell…..however I know sitting here now I am alot better off than alot of people today.
Just for today I am a bad person, I am full on anger and hatred, I am so wound up I cannot explain……….but the truth is I am wound up with myself, hate myself and sometimes wonder if I deserve to still be in this world………God forgive me for what I have done, I am really sorry for the hurt I have caused to many people over the many years, I promise to make amends to everyone I have hurt and over the coming days, weeks, months and years will appretiate any help and support I get to help me turn a corner.
I am a compulsive gambler and I hate the person I have become while being one, today I am totaly lost and seek any help and support anyone has to offer, I am really a d truly at a loss to understand why I gambled again and ruined all the good in my life I had worked so hard to recreate.
Thank you for listening, helping and supporting me, if it wasnt for this site I honestly dont know where I would be, as always I wish you all well and really hooe your day was better than mine, I am a mess and struggling to see any way back from this mess up but in truth it is all totaly mine, myself and I Who has created this situation and I have no one else to blame but me!!!!!!
Lee why do I never learn, you have help, you have support , you know what you have to do but you never do it…………
Today is a dark day for more reasons than one………..all I can do today is pray the day finishes quickly and hope and pray tomorrow is a better one.
I am not the best person in the world but today I am one of the worse!!!!!
Maverick
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No words will ease your pain, Lee.
I DO know the turmoil you are experiencing. When the wound heals and you feel less raw, try to ask the ten dollar question “What can I do differently to prevent this happening again?”
Feelings can be powerful, Lee but they fade and other feelings develop.
What I do at times like this is isolate myself and pray to God that he doesn’t take me in my “sins”!
You will get another chance Lee.
This time grab it and hold on to it! -
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You are not a bad person! Not even for this day! Just for this day, you are turning your life around. Not sure why we choose to sabotage our recovery. It doesn’t have to be like this, Maverick. Stop calling yourself a CG and begin focusing on the man you really are.
My hubby just asked me to help him with something, so I must go. I will be back.
You are not done. I am not done. I am not giving up on you. Ever!!!!!! -
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you must forgive but not forget. you are a person struggling nothing less nothing more at the moment. This to shall pass if you let it. try to find things to change the feeling your experiencing by replacing negative reactions with positive reactions. try making just one simple change that will encourage you to be the better you. We have all been where you are right now and we all needed to find things to change our behaviours. Seek and you shall find the way to okFG
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Vera, i_maverick and female g, thanks for your posts, Vera hope you are keeping well and thanks for all your supporg, i_maverick likewise hope all is well with you havent seen you around for a while and female g as always thanks for your supportive words and being around, take care all and wish you all well.
Maverick
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Hi Maverick.
Some of what you wrote above about how you were feeling,the why why whys of this addiction .can take anyone to their knees for days.
Months ,years.
And for some all they will be left with is the why why whys for the rest of their lives.A constant haunting .
Maverick please seek some counsling ,get your ASS back into a GA room .
I know GA is not for everyone hey perhaps including me.but for the love of GOD i also know living life One day at a time SUCKS.
And i dont mean the recovery days of one day at a time either counting recovery days just bites .
Does it really matter how many clean days one has, if they are still to sick to live them.
What if we knew on wich day we were going to die,omg would we count those days left ,in anticipation of it.
Or would we make the most of them?
Well wouldnt our little addiction love to get a hold of that info.
Any way Lee ,you are an amazing young man.
Time to let others know you too!
Hey i kinda like you,and i believe in you.
Why not try GA again ,or look into some counsling,rehab?
Still kicking fences hugs.take care Lee. -
Lorraine its so nice to hear from you my friend, I really hope you are keeping well and will always wish you all the happiness in the world.
Like we both well know life can be tough at times, I feel we have to work so very hard just to make ends meet and support the family, working long hours, health issues, many other problems and on top of all these general worries I choose to gamble and create more pain and suffering, why do I do it Lorraine……….I honestly dont know, we are what we are and I suppose we do what we do, life is like a rollercoater and perhaps we just have to ride it…………..
Lorraine I am very fond of you too and we have got to know each other over the many years we have supported and shared with one another, you make sure you always look after yourself and never give in…………God will let us know when it is time to depart from the world and today I thank God as I woke up this morning and was breathing.
I am a compulsive gambler, I am 39 years of age, I work hard to look after the people around me, I love them and care for them, feed them, spend time with them, give them everything they need and nearly everything they want…….but still I am a compulsive gambler.
Maverick
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Hey Mav (always tickles me writing that),
I hope you are having a good day. I don’t know if you have ever done thought experiments, but I have a few now which work for me. Even though I am coming up to my year I get odd moments where a thought about gambling appears. Maybe I am low on money, or bored, or just day dreaming. Instead of pushing it away I play with it.
I picture myself logging on online and playing online poker. I then imagine myself playing, waiting for cards, winning a few, losing a few and then I get a bad beat and suddenly I am on tilt, just chucking money away, getting more frantic. Then I am on roulette, chasing my losses losing more. And suddenly all the hard work I have put in means nothing. I have to tell everyone I love I gambled again, and that makes me feel sick. I take a deep breath and smile, and remember why i can never gamble.
Sometimes I picture myself winning, but then I keep playing because I can’t stop until I have lost it all. I have lost hours and hours and hours of time, money and again, I have to tell everyone. Or I have to keep gambling to try and win it back, which is highly unlikely, and then I have to lie and the depression starts again and I am back to square 1.
These scenarios and more are based on my personal experience, your thought experiments will be based on your experiences.
I cannot, no matter how hard I try, ever imagine a positive gambling scenario. It’s impossible. If I win I will keep playing until I lose, and if I lose I will chase until I lose more.
And then I feel free again, and I am pleased with what I have achieved so far in my life, and how much more I want to achieve.
I remember the first time I heard about you, I thought it was amazing someone chose the name Maverick. It is obviously so close to my chest and something that comes up a lot in my therapy, how much I have been affected my whole life by my attitude to the name I was given by my dad. That’s one of my burdens in life, one I will grapple with all my life.
GA helps me, but the thing that helps me the most is remembering that I cannot win at gambling. Long term, no one can. And the mental damage it does is not worth it.
I hope you have a good day, take care and all my love.
Mav
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Thanks for the post I_Maverick, really hope you are doing well and as always wish you all the very best in the world.
There are many phrases and quotes that I really do love in life and also believe in…….here are 3 of them and in recent times I am guilty of not listening or understanding any of them.
1. “if nothing changes nothing changes”
2. “I am a compulsive gambler and must always stay away from that first bet”
3. “gambling has and will always destroy anything good in your life”
My name is Lee and I am a compulsive gambler, just for today I am still in this world.
Thanks for reading and listening, I wish each and everyone of you all the very best in the world in your recovery and life.
Maverick
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Thanks for your reply I_maverick and I hope you are keeping well.
Today I did some soul searching and although I didnt find alot I found a little something……enough to give me hope and if I have hope then I have everything!
My life is what I make it and just for today I want to make it a good one.
Wish you all well.
Maverick
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Sometimes I wonder will I ever learn, I do the same thing over and over again and always get the same result………….in truth if we keep doing the same thing we are going to get the same result, I am a compulsive gambler and at the moment I keep doing the same thing over and over again and still getting the same result, as we know if nothing changes then nothing changes, just for today I am guilty of not trying hard enough and the outcome from my actions has created another world of pain.
Over the last few months I am sick and tired of listening to myself share as I am sure most of you are so for that I am sorry, I read over my posts, trying to stop, must stop, have to stop only the next day to gamble again, it gets boring, false promises, lies, not trying hard enough, giving in at the first sight of a problem, just for today I gambled, just for today I messed up once again, will I ever learn……..I am getting sick and tied with myself and hearing my own voice, I know what I have to do but at the moment I am not doing it, I feel the only person who can save me at the moment is God, God help me as no one else in this world can, I am tired, drained, upset and on the brink as once again I have messed up, I never learn and only have myself to blame as I always do.
How many times can I say sorry………..how many times can I try again, just for today God forgive me as I know you are the only one who can.
Maverick
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Nobody here will be tired listening to you sharing. Maverick. The alternate would be to give up.
None of us can foretell if we will have a relapse but we CAN make the next bet impossible. You know the drill. Once we start gambling, we cannot stop until we run out of funds or see the light.
You need to stop handing money, Maverick and look for the Light.
God will forgive you Lee. You need to forgive yourself too! -
Thanks Vera for your kind words and support it means alot.
Just made a nice breakfeast for the wife (from my kids) as its mothers day and lucky enough I brought her a couple of small gifts (for the kids to give her) before yesterdays rollercoaster, they all seem happy. I have my mum and dad coming over for sunday lunch (brought a leg of lamb on friday when I had some cash…good job or it would have been sausage roast!) as its mothers day, I have lived in my current house for nearly 6 years and they have never once come over for sunday lunch (although I have offered many a time!) I promise you all my house is clean and tidy and my table manners are not that bad but it is what it is, hoping for a nice day, everyone at the moment seems happy so thats good.
Having strong thoughts of gambling (as we all do…..the usual how can I win back what I have lost) the reality is if I won the lottery on an average week and shared it with about 8 other winners on my gambling life I would still be down!, I cant win when I choose to gamble as when I start I cant stop, I am a compulsive gambler and I know that so now I must try my hardest to stay away from that first bet and be the man I know I can be, just for today I will not gamble.
Hope you all have a nice sunday, take care and wish you all well.
Maverick
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Sounds like the perfect Mother’s Dad, Lee ( apart from the gambling!)
Great that you were able to salvage the best parts ( time and relationships). ‘Seems as if you are highly organized for the main part i.e. presents , food and house cleaning. The money can be replaced. Odaat. Even if it takes years.
Have you any idea what triggered you to gamble yesterday, Lee? Were you stressed about the visit from your parents? Trying to make money to improve on what you already have or escaping from something you felt you couldn’t face? This could be a time of reflection for you. I know “chasing the loss” can overwhelm our thoughts but if you have no available funds, those thoughts will dissolve fast.
Have a good day! -
Firstly Vera I would like to thank you for your post and constant support, I really hope you are doing well and life is treating you fair.
As for me well I am a complete and total waste of space, had been doing ok for a few days, promised myself and God to become a better man and yet again I have failed, was a complete suprise to me but God already knew as he knows me very well……he knows I am to**er, so I suppose I didnt disapoint!
It’s no excuse and I have to be a little careful with what I say as I dont want everyone knowing who I am (I am happy for everyone to know who I am and what I am) but for my families sake need to be a little anon.
I really cant say alot I am afraid to say but at the moment I am under huge stress……….somedays I feel my head is going to blow, problems with my children, my wife, my health, my parents, work issues the list is never ending ………all an excuse I hear you say and yes you are probably right………
Today I leant money from people you dont lend money from, gambled it and lost the lot in less than 2 hours………of course I knew what would happen and it did………I forgot about all the problems for a short period of time and now I have them all back and a extra one that if I dont sort I will lose the ability to walk! In fairness all brought on by me, I will sort it out one way or another as I always do and my wife does not know thank God but what I am really trying to say is I never seem to learn, I know I started to make progress a few years back when I strung nearly a year together gamble free but at the moment and over the last 12 months I have struggled to string a month together, I know I am in a better place than I was 6 years ago because 6 years ago I wouldnt be hear writting this and admitting I have a problem and that I am a compulsive gambler, and today I know I have a major gambling problem and I am a compulsive gambler, although still gambling, the loss is still raw as only a couple of hours ago but this time I feel totaly destroyed, totaly lossed and confused with it all, I hate what I become when I gamble and deep down I know its just not me……..
There is only so many times I can keep messing up and I have overshot it by a wide margin……….
I am sick with myself, my constant lies to explain money lost, my dishonesty, my selfishness, I am know not only a compulsive gambler but a compulsive liar, I speak the native language of the Devil but I promise you I worship God, life is easy but I make it so very hard, I know what I do but dont know why I do it, I know I need help and probably more now than I ever have, I am 39 years of age and should know better but still I carry on doing the same thing and strangley enough keep getting the same result……………..why why why I ask myself, I wish I had never placed that first bet as a 14 year old boy, the win took me away from all my problems, all the bullying, I became a someone not a nobody, in that year of school I still remember now how bad I felt, thought about ending it all a few times but managed to find the strength to carry on, I remember telling myself “Lee you need to tough up and become a bit of a bastard or you will not survive” so I did, it was never the real me and it isnt the real me now, but I change and it got me through………..so I suppose I could look at it like I have made it to 39 and if I hadnt of done what I did I might not of made it to 15, but I liked the nice, shy, quiet kid I was and didnt reallyime the cocky, gambling kid I had become but it kept me in the world………….things have to change because I cannot go on leading the life I do, I am drained, just for today I have nothing left to give, I am all out……..game over, life………..it’s a gift why do I waste it!!!!!
Maverick
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Why is the question I asked myself over and over and over Lee. I never found the answer.
I know now that if I put one euro note in a slot machine, I will be writing similar posts to the few you have recently written.
I heard it said at GA last night (after a man had shared his sordid gambling story) that CGs cannot win. I read and wrote that very phrase hundreds of times but hearing it from someone’s mouth and looking into their eyes brings it home.
What’s the point in gambling if we can NEVER win? Total and absolute waste of time and money.
I heard an alcoholic priest sharing his story years ago about his conversation with God. He told God “I promise you, God that I will never drink again….God “spoke” back and guess what he said? “alcoholics can’t keep promises”!
Yes , Lee God sees the wider picture but He leaves it up to you and to me to stop making promises and do it His way.
GA is His way Lee, although most people will never realize that . The alternative is to “do it my way” !
We all know where that led us.
You ‘ll never get out of the mess until you stop gambling Lee.
You CAN stop. Staying stopped will depend on your actions from now on. Can you come clean with your wife (again) and together look at the solutions?
I hope and pray that this will be your rock bottom Lee. As you know , gambling is a progressive illness. It will never go away.
Well done on posting here. It’s great that you have the courage to do that. -
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Early start today I picked my dad up at 6am and took him fishing, he has had 4 strokes in the past 18 months so does not get out much and in truth cant go out by himself as not always fully aware of what’s going on, I was tired as didn’t sleep well wandering how I am going to get myself out of the big mess I put myself in Friday night but we had a cracking morning, we were catching fish for fun, my dad had a couple of small ones to start and I hooked a couple of very good size carp and managed to land them, when I hooked into another good one I told my dad “you get this one in as I have to go to the toilet” between us I just wanted him to land a couple of nice ones (and he did) the third time I said I need to go to the toilet after hooking a decent size fish he asked if I have a problem and my timing was very bad lol (I was going to answer yes many) but left him to fight the fish and then stayed around behind making sure he didn’t get pulled in, it was a great morning and I took many pictures and videos as in truth I don’t know how long he has left in the world, he is only 64 but has had a hard life, I am only 39 and in all honesty had a even harder life (mostly of my own doing but not all) so I have no hope lol, anyway just wanted to post something positive for a change and today I am 2 days gamble free, I have come home from fishing and found my wife isnt very well, I have sent her to bed to rest and been making her hot drinks and some nice chocolate treats, she keeps saying she will get fat and I said I dont care enjoy them I love you and always will no mater what shape or size you are (she is only a bloody size 10), anyway she is in bed and I have just cooked a nice roast dinner for me and the kids (the Mrs managed to have a little bit) I have just fixed my two kids bikes as they have be on at me to take them for a bike ride, I am exhausted now but am just about to take the kids for a bike ride and get them and ice cream on the way back (they dont know that yet), life is like a roller coaster and at times I am a complete to**er but just for today I am not a bad person, Still really worried how I am going to pay off the loan shark but hey I usually come up with something and just for today I am not going to worry about it (honest)
Off for a bike ride with the kids, thanks for listening and wish you all the very best in the world in your recovery and also life, thanks for always being here and all your ongoing support, it means a great deal to me.
Maverick
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Hi Maverick
Listening to you today and hearing all you have done has been a pleasure, you have got so much good in your life. You are not a bad person on any day Maverick, you struggle with an addiction that shows itself in bad behaviour but with determination you can control that addiction and enjoy every day.
I appreciate that today you are putting your worries to one side and that is great – today is full of good memories for you to hang on to when temptation rears its ugly head.
39 seems to me to be an excellent age to change your life and live gamble-free – you have a lot of good life to look forward to and more than enough pain behind you. Loan sharks get fat on the misery of other people – you can change that.
Have courage Maverick – you have a lot of people rooting for you who know you can do it.
Velvet -
Thanks Velvet for taking the time to reply and all you do it really does mean a great deal to me and many, I hope you and your family are keeping well, I read alot of your posts and read the friends and family section often (although never post on there) this addiction destorys lives as we all well know and the family and friends of a compulsive gambler also have there lives torn apart through no fault of there own, no good has or will ever come from gambling and I know that I just have to make things work and this time I will.
I dont make promises any more as I have broken so many, when I made the promise I had no intention of breaking it and honestly my intentions were good, many years ago when I was drinking in a pub I bumped into this old man and we got chating as you do and he made the comment “the pathway to hell is full off good intention” I must have said something for him to make that comment but I cant honestly remember what exactly it was, I just replied “surley the pathway to hell is full off evil people with bad intention” anyway its amazing what you mind remembers at times.
Day 3 gamble free and in truth no real urges but I think that is because off the massive losses from friday night and still working out how to pay Mr loan shark the first instalment on Friday, I havent told my wife I owe money this time as she has enough on her plate already and if I did tell her I think it would break her, to be fair it is my mess and I choose to put myself in that situation so it is for me to get out of it, the only catch being is I get all my wages paid directly into my wifes account (for obvious reasons) anyway 4 days away from friday and alot can happen in 4 days, if I dont gamble apart from the normal household bills and food I dont spend that much money, I have faith and all will work itself out I am sure.
Thanks for reading and listening, also thanks for all your ongoing help and support it means alot to me, wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your life and recovery, take care and speak soon.
Maverick
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Hey Mav, I am worried for you with finding a way to repay loan sharks. Do you have a plan in place ? if so let us know so we can rest easy knowing you’ll be alright.
I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but I recognize a behavoural pattern after gambling that I would often practice when I knew I had done what I knew my family wouldn’t like. I tried to be better than ever doing all that I could to make up for my gambling mistakes. I even wouldn’t let things that were said upset me or speak my mind because I felt I was undeserving of it due to my gambling. If I could be on good behaviour long enough when the truth did come out perhaps I had enough browny points to keep me out of hot water. Is this what is happening with you at the moment??
We can’t keep that up long enough to ride out the consequences of our actions Mav. We need to find ways to hold ourselves accountable and be humble enough to accept them FG -
Thanks for the reply female g, its always good to see you around and hope you are keeping well, thank you for your ongoing support and help it means alot and I would never take things the wrong way I value eveyones thoughts and input.
In truth the Sunday I just had (a wonderful day at that) was a pretty normal day I would have, time with family, my wife and children, cooking a sunday roast and taking the kids for a bike ride after fixing there bikes, I do all that stuff often (and love doing it) when I choose not to gamble and when I am not working off course, if I take the gambling out of my life I am not a bad person but when I choose to gamble my whole life changes.
Just for today I am not going to gamble, day 4 gamble free I am feeling positive about things and feeling good about life, still worried about the loqn shark and no female g at the moment I am not sure where the money is going to come from to pay him, still 3 days before the first payment so plenty of time to come up with a plan, will keep you updated and please dont worry about me I will sort it all out, feeling really good and believe I have turned a corner, everything happens for a reason and I know that we just have to try and see the good through it.
Wishing you all the very best in your recovery and life, take care and stay strong, keep trying and never give in.
Maverick
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Day 5 gamble free today, I have had thoughts of gambling but havent and wont put them into practice, I dont want gambling to destroy my life and more it has taken more than its fair share and has caused me enough pain to last two lifetimes.
I am a compulsive gambler and just for today I will not gamble, my very best to you all.
Maverick
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Velvet thanks for your kind words and support they really mean alot to me, hope you are keeping well and thanks for being around.
Vera as always thankyou for your help and support and yes you are right it does always end in tears, as for the loan shark I believe thats why I was very tempted to gamble yesterday as had to make the first payment, well the main thing is I fought the urge and didnt gamble, day 8 today gamble free, I am determind to work on myself in becoming a better man and staying gamble free as always one day at a time.
Velvet and Vera thank you once again for your helpful and supportive posts when ones mind is in the wrong place it is amazing what even one sentence can do in helping that individual, thank you both.
Wishing everyone well and hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
Maverick
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Hi Mav have only skimmed through your post, but I know mate that when you gambled it wasn’t a deliberate malicious act.
I asked myself the same questions as you did, why do we keep on doing why ffs!? Personally I think we’ll never know. Yes we are compulsive gamblers but that dosn’t explain it or excuse it. We are well aware how it will end up.
You didnt want to be in the position you are in today, that wasn’t your goal when you decided to gamble. I firmly believe that when a cg gambles it is for one reason only..because they want to. At the time we will deny this and we are convinced we just “ended up doing it” or that we coudn’t help it. This is how it feels. I know I’ve been there often enough.
But that is just one more lie, a big lie to ourselves because we cant face the truth. The truth is stupid when youve just gambled away in a matter of hours what some people earn in months. The truth just dosnt make sense does it. I used to borrow ￡1600 for a week and pay ￡2100 back….done it several times….I’d convince myself it was ok..all I had to do was win an extra ￡500. How fkd up is that but that was the truth. The truth is that I wanted to gamble so I did and nothing would deter me.
You do have a lot to see to mav, but you can see to it all.
Dont kid yourself with the gambling though you know it is lethal and you know it isn’t for you. You already have the foundations of your gamble free like so you can slowly build on it day by day, one at a time.
If the gambling urge does come again stop and ask yourself why have you decided to go, there and then before you go, whats the worst that’ll happen if you dont go. Its a hard thing to do, but once you’ve stopped and asked yourself you really shouldnt be able to think of one good reason to carry on and gamble. After careful consideration if you decided to go ahead and gamble then I think that would be a deliberate and malicious act.
Great to see you doing well going forward mav.
I dont come here very much these days the last three months or so have been terrible I have suffered big style for my last gambling episode. Things are very slowly improving for me and they can for you too, as long as we carry on as we are.
Good luck mate
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Geordie you are a very good man and always will be, thank you very much for your post it means a great deal to me, thank you for thinking of me and also taking the time to reply.
I am like you my friend and this addiction will kill us both unless we work very hard at fighting it the very best we can and in turn building ourselves a better life, I know and you know we are not bad people Geordie but we have an addiction that destroys all the good we have in us.
I am really sorry to hear you have had a really bad few months and if I am to be honest with you I have a really bad 9 months ahead (should be straight by Christmas) like you rightly say we justify things and in truth if I was to tell most people what I lost in one day 10 days ago they would say I should either be in a straight jacket or think I was the biggest liar in the world………however other compulsive gamblers know how sick we can get and in all honesty there are no limits. Made the first payment back to the loan shark on Friday and I wont lie this time but really struggling to come up with the money, I know as the months tick on all will work itself out and gambling will only dig the hole even bigger, this time the hole is very deep but I know I can recover, just need to stay focused and positive and keep working as hard as I possibly can.
Took my boy fishing yesterday and he caught the biggest fish he has ever caught (you should have seen his face) it was a 8 lb common carp, I was tired and got home from work at about 2pm but I was determind to have some quality time with my lad and we did, he loved it and so did I.
Just come back from a bike ride with my two lovely children and on the way back my boy fell off and knocked into a “65” reg Merc, the owner was outside watching and it got a bit messy, I said I would pay for the damage and the owner said yes you will in a aggressive manner, It was an honest accident and I told my boy not to worry I will sort it all out, he is now at ease after being very worried (accidents happen and that is just life) of course I am worried about the cost and all that jazz, the Mrs went balistic when I told her but like I said to her it was an accident and thats just life, I will sort it as I always do but feeling a little “got at” was only trying to have some nice bonding time with the kids.
These things are sent to try us as they say and I would be lying if gambling hadnt crossed my mind to win some money back to pay for all the issues but just for today I will not gamble as I honestly cannot be bothered in chasing money and throwing good money after bad……………all will be well and I have every faith in that, life is bloody hard work at times and it tests you to the max but just for today I will not gamble, day 9 today gamble free………this time I am some how stringing some good recovery time together and getting back into the mind set of when I was in long term recovery, as always one day at a time.
Geordie thanks once again for your kind words and maybe we can meet sometime and have a chat, you are a very good man and never forget that, stay strong and I hope both our lives slowly improve “one day at a time”
Wish each and everyone of you all the very best in the world, take care and speak soon.
Maverick
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It’ true good people can make poor choices that result in bad decisions that impact our lives on a grand scale. That is what gambling gives us and nothing more. Gambling shatters our hopes and dreams and just makes life in general difficult.
When the urge hits read your thread or read all of our threads and open your eyes to the real reality of the gifts and rewards of gambling. There just isn’t any way that life is made easier or happier when we gamble. The truth is that living normal lives is all but impossible if we don’t quit .
I am finally seeing that for myself because I am able to go through life without making excuses or looking for excuses to gamble. I am done racking my brain after a huge lose to find a way to get out of it. I prefer the peace that comes from not having the worry anymore. It does take time to find that peace so that is why you must tie up all access to money while you let your brain calm down and let normal return.
It’s been just about 5 months now that I haven’t gambled and for about a month very few urges and few thoughts are taking up space in my newly rewired brain. Maybe due to the hypnosis, but at any rate all is better than it has been for 15 years I would say. I don’t want to give that feeling up and either should you. Give life all the energy we gave to gambling and there will be nothing you can’t accomplish. FG -
I know you are struggling at the moment but you know what, amongst your struggle you are being there for your kids, you are being a hands on dad.
There is always some good among the bad, some happy among the sad, so hang on to that… we are all human.. be kind to yourself Mav. Its a tough addiction we face, just try your best. If you fall get back up and just give it your all.. never give upP
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Female g and p, thankyou very much for your posts and support they mean a great deal to me and I hope you are both keeping well.
This is day 15 gamble free for me but I have to admit I am really struggling today with very strong urges to gamble. I took my boy fishing this morning for a bit of farther and son time together, I have had a long week a work but wanted to make the effort, up early and when we got there we were fishing by 7am, it was cold, windy and hacked down with rain…….after 1 hour of my boy moaning that we hadnt caught a fish it started blowing stronger and raining heavier, so we packed up and went home in truth I wasnt enjoying it much either, just before I put the rods away we caught 2 small fish so that was nice not a total waste of time, my boy has been picked on at school recently and I have had a nightmare trying to sort it all out, I shouldnt say it but the teachers are a joke anyway I wont go on about that or I am just going to get myself wound up.
I am struggling with this addiction and at the moment I am in a big hole, struggling to pay the loan sharks and having thoughts of just trying to blast myself out of it, I know………..it wont work…….it never does, just feeling down and depressed today, just got paid and have paid all the bills, brought all the food, paid for all the kids clubs, the boys swimming lessons and the girls gym lessons, more easter eggs than you can shake a stick at but just for today I am in a strange mode and not feeling the love, I feel wired, uptight, angry, agitated but not really sure as to why.
Life is like a rollercoaster and I know that for sure, I have just gone out the house to buy and nice pork and stuffing joint for tommorow and on the way back nipped into my local for a quick pint and typing this, I have obtained money and sitting contemplating what to do……………….I have come to the conclusion that fishing is very much like life……………..at times you have to be very paitent but in the end you get what you want!
Thank you for listening as you always do, thank you for posting, sharing, caring, helping and loving but most of all thanks for understanding me……………….in all honesty I dont understand myself half the time.
Take care all, stay strong and never give up fighting, today I am very tired and dont have alot of fight……………..If I gamble again and lose (as I will) I dont think I could live with myself and come back from it again, my emotions are all over the show, blood pressure sky high and my nerves totaly shot, why do we put ourselves through so much pain and hurt when the world can be a challenging place just as it is!
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here, all I have is today and I should make the most of it!
Maverick
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Hey there just read your thread and hope you hang in there in this battle…it is a lifelong battle.
Just wondering if you’ve considered self-exclusion? Sometimes we need an extra layer of protection above our own mental commitment and for me self-exclusion and gambling blocking software (if you play online) has helped me stay clean for 6 months. If I didn’t have these measures in place I’m almost certain I would have gambled at least a couple of times in the casino or online and most definitely would have resulted in heavy losses.
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Thanks for the support and posting theone and Charles,
Life is tough at times and sometimes we make the right choice and sometimes we make the wrong one, I was in a good mindset and feeling good its just this situation with the loan shark keeps playing on my mind and upsetting my train of thought, most probably because I am the only one who knows and I am the only one who can sort it, I cant tell the wife about it or I think it will tip her over the edge and I love her with all my heart and honesty can tell her about my last relapse I will sort it, I hear many of you say cant or wont and trust me I am not telling her not to save my skin but to save her from a breakdown, she has been through way to much……..enough to last two lifetimes and I cannot hurt her anymore, things have happened over the weekend and I will share more when have more time, but for now just wanted to say thanks.
Things have happened that I am not proud off but things have happened that I have sorted out more stuff than I could possibly believe on friday night…………I feel bad for what I have done but by doing it I have sorted out a massive problem, but in turn I have also opened up another massive problem.
Thanks for listening as always, I hate myslef at times and really dont know what way to turn, the wife and kids had a great easter, I cooked and cleaned, we went out, laser quest, bowling, treated them to a nice meal, quality time spent with the family and helped my boy complete a few computer games…….I love my family with all my heart but in truth I struggle to love myself.
Take care all and wish you all the very best in your recovery and life.
Maverick
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Oh Mav I read this this morning but was really too tired to post then..and I still havn’t gone to bed (was on nights) so am really too tired now. But I am intrigued.
One massive problem sorted, but another takes its place? I hope you havn’t had the loan shark bumped off. Its not really my style to be nosey. or wonder what anyone else has done. However when I first read this I couldn’t hep but think that you’d gambled won paid the loan off, lost the remainder and got yourself another debt. I really hope not mate but if so it is what it is. Recovery will work it really will. I havn’t gambled since my “binge posting” in January but it has been 3 months of hell. I’ve only just done my first full weeks work, and first full weeks pay this week. Some weeks no work no income, no one to borrow off. Some weeks two days. Shocking a real endurance.
Your circumstances are a lot different to mine, you are living two lives….its hard mate but all it takes though is time and determination. I understand where you coming from regarding telling your wife I’m sure lots of people here have genuine empathy with you. That is your decision.
Us Cg’s aren’t the best at making decisions mate, I’m not encouraging you to tell her but I think you should give it serious thought.
Regardless of that mate just grin and bear/bare (I’m never sure) the consequences of your actions and decisions of what has brought you to where you are today. Nothing is impossible, I wish I had more time mav. I havn’t. I do wish you all the very best please dont write yourself off.
Sadly the circus is still in town, but its time the monkey went back. (And got off yours!)
All the best mate.
Geordie.
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Thanks for the post Geordie you are a good man.
Life has taken a massive turn for the worse in one way or another, still deep in with the loan shark ( no Geordie I didnt get him bumped off lol…..not my style) and everything seems to be conspiring against me………wait……..no……thats a lie, I am deep in trouble and in a massive whole because off the choices I have made, in all honesty I only have myself to blame.
The wife is fine and has everything she needs, the kids are all good and have everything they need, I woke up this morning and I was breathing so I am grateful for that.
Life seems to be an uphill battle but only because I make it that way, maybe oneday I will learn to be content, I am exhausted, emotionaly drained, totaly perplexed and feel the walls closing in on me………….but it is all off my own doing I cannot blame anyone else bar myself.
“Just for today I will not gamble” my last bet 10th April 2016, If I gamble again I wont have long left in this world.
Thanks for listening and as always I wish you all the very best in your recovery and life, take care and never give up trying.
Maverick
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Hello everyone! I am a very bad person,i been gambling about 5years,lost too much! today is excactly 1month i didn’tgamble at all! I was lieying to my family and friends,took loans from friends and lost they trust,lost all my girlfriend money what she saved ?? i am a terrible person, i finished gambling and now i know i never gonna go there again,but the thing is am traying very hard to sort out all money problems and can’t ! it is very hard,good i still have my job! at least some money comes in,but with that is not enough to pay off all what i made by gambling ??
is there any advice how i can get out from all money problems? -
Hi Janis, Welcome to Gambling Therapy. You may find your get a greater level of support by having your own thread
https://www.gettogethablog.com/en/node/add/forum/870
Kind Regards
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Day 3 gamble free, working hard (at work and at home), not alot of pleasure at the moment but thats to be expected, must keep focused and keep moving in the right direction, I woke up this morning and I should be grateful for that (plenty of people in the world didnt).
Just for today I will not gamble and thats all I can promise, just for today I know I will keep that promise…………….everyday is different and I suppose we cant help how we feel!
Life is like a rollercoaster with all those ups and downs but in truth it should all even itself out because we get off the same place we get on.
I have caused alot of upset and hurt many people but that is what this addiction does to us, sometimes I wish my life had been so very different and sometimes I am grateful for the paths it has taken me down as a learning curve, we are all different but so very much the same.
Life is precious…….time goes by so quickly……..I have wasted so much time………but have I………….everything happens for a reason!
Wish you all well, keep fighting and never give in, my very best to each and everyone of you.
Maverick
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I didn’t gamble today and I thank God for that, I am a broken man and don’t think I have another bet in me (I am sure I do) what I mean is the next bet would probably kill me I am in so deep at the moment.
So as we all know we have a “circle of (so called) friends” I suppose this comes with years of gambling and mixing with certain people, well today I was approached by (someone) and asked to do something (help out with something) and in truth by doing this “something” I could pay off my loan shark in one go and have some much needed breather space the problem is I am a married man with two kids and I am 39 years old, I am getting to old for these sort of shenanigans, ok I thought about it for a split second and it isn’t so much illegal as this person had something taken from them and they wanted it back, the problem being the people who took it are not the sort of people you take back from, this sort of thing wouldn’t have worried me 10 years ago as I was fighting fit but now with many health issues I struggle to get through the working day, was still contemplating “taking the job tonight” but in truth my wife and children need there husband and dad (although they dont always admit it) and I would like to stay in the world as long as God lets me………so I shouldn’t really test him with putting myself in really risky situations, just for today I made the right choice (in my eyes anyway) but just for today I am still heavy into the loan shark!
Perhaps Gerodies assumption wasn’t a bad one but in truth there is always someone further up the ladder lol
I am a compulsive gambler and just for today I didn’t gamble, I am feeling old and getting old but hey I am still in this world and I am very grateful for that.
My very best to each and everyone of you and hope you can all find some peace in your lives, take care and speak soon.
Maverick
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Hey it is nice to see your posts and see you are back on track. I am so glad you didn’t take that job Mav, no amount of money is worth risking your safety.
Funny in saying that i guess as gamblers we risk our safety all the time really, mental safety, financial safety etc.
But risking life for paying back a debt nooooooo. I am glad you could put it in perspective.
Keep going Maverick, the days will pass again and you will start to feel better. Just for today remember, even break it down to hours when you need to. When you get the urge delay it, do something for an hour that occupies your mind or keeps you busy, then do it again the next hour and the urge will pass. Just saying what i do in case it helps others.
Hang in there, never give up on giving upP
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Great to hear from you P, really hope you are doing well and always keep fighting, never give in.
I have been a compulsive gambler for 22 years, have been fighting and openly admit I have a problem for the last 6 years and yet still fighting to stay gamble free one day at a time, life is so very hard at times, I believe I have a problem with gambling, drinking, anger management (the later mainly because of the former)……………..sometimes I think what do I have going for me …………..but deep down in all honesty I know I have the honesty to admit to my problems and many other people do not………………all will be ok I know that for sure but dont know how long I can keep fighting……..
As for now I am going to take the kids out on a bike ride and have some quality time and fun with them!
I am a compulsive gambler and always will be……..I wish to God I have never placed that first bet but in truth that first bet saved my life but also in turn destroyed it!!!!!!!!
How does life work my friends????
Maverick
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My last bet 17th April 2016, If I make the choice to make one more bet then my life is over, I type this, I read this, I understand this, it is all down to me, I have no one else to ever blame, this is my last chance, I give myself one last chance if I work hard and stick to this I know I can do it, if I fail one more time my life is over!!
Maverick
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Dear Maverick
I have read your posts and can see that many things is not turning out the way you would like, especially when one would like to do the right thing but continue to do wrong, or when one did the right thing but things did not get better, it got worst.
I have went through all these myself many times, it seem to be a part of recovery that all of us who have hit rock bottom have to go thru before thing get better.
I have been trying this recovery thing since 2005 and still trying now. Things do get better.This is the hope and asssurance I get along the way as things improves.
The more pain and setback we go through during recovery, the more it help us grow stronger and wiser.
I want to be honest about one observation I had during all these years, I speak from my personal experience:-
Man can follow and obey the spiritual principles in the 12 steps recovery program but none claim to have perfect adherence to it, they are not saints.
Man can follow and obey the words and teaching of God in the bible but we can never be perfect like God.
In recovery and in life, we strive and seek progress, not perfection. We are human and we err sometimes. Having said all that, it is no good excuse for anyone of us to go back to old destructive ways but there is light at the end of the tunnel, if we work real hard in our recovery, rarely have we seen someone fail at improving their life.
Bro Maverick, our solution is a spiritual one.
We have seen not all religious people are spiritual, many have prey on the innocent and weak, many have embezzle huge sum of money and we read about them all the time in the newspaper. Many straight people turn religious because they are afraid of going to hell.
Spiritual people may not be religious but I have met people who do not have a religion help the unfortunates and needy, ex convicts and recovering addicts who turned good. There was a saying in the recovery community: Religion is for people who are afraid to go to “hell”……Spirituality is for people who have been there!
Many times I was disappointed with myself when I do bad thing, many times I was disappointed bad things happen to me when I try to do good things. I have learnt from it and it forces me to accept and made adjustment to my unrealistic expectation. This was when I started to see a little light, I started to have a balance in living my life and I started to experience and receive a new found joy, a new found peace.
I heard a recovering lady say this the other day, your first day clean is the same as the other person with 10 years of clean days, every day is important, it is the same for everyone, we all do it one baby step at a time, one day at a time, it was the same on our first day, and it will be the same 10 years later. You must be proud of yourself for staying abstinence today.
You wish me well, and you say you cannot, I can. Well brother, over time and after many pain, I finally realize something, there is really a Higher Power, I cannot, HE can. HE help me to do things I cannot. When I found out about this Higher Power, it become easier for me to surrender to Him, to give up my selfish, self-centered, self- seeking ways, I try to give up my self-will and seek His will, give up my old ways and follow His way one day at a time. It was suggested in step 3 in the 12 steps recovery program too, made a decision to turn our will and life over to the care of God.
24Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. 25″For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.…( Mathew 16; 24-25)
I was an addict, I slip and relapse, this is the sign and symptom of addiction. I am seeking help for my addiction, over time I realize another thing, I increase my chance in recovery when I have a recovery program, going to meeting and sharing is not enough. I thought going to GA and working the 12 steps program, I would be like everyone but it was not to be, I continue to slip and relapse, I felt like giving up many times, it was only after I have found my Higher Power mention in the recovery program, that I start to experience changes in my life. Recovery is no more something I must do to survive, it has become enjoyable and a lifestyle now. Life is better and improving little by little.
The deeper we fall, the more things are not ok around us especially in early recovery, I am still recovering now since the day I hit my deepest rock bottom in 1998 and a few rock bottom after that. I am still picking up the pieces here and there but things is looking brighter now, there is hope.
I pick up this from an experience recovering person, if everything is not ok but I am ok, then I will be really grateful, happy and contented, because only those who have experience life at the rock bottom when things is not ok…know how bad it can get, how much suffering there is, how dark, hopeless, helpless, and painful it can be.
If everything is not ok and I am not ok, it means I have slip/relapse, it can a dangerous and risky situation, things can progressively get worst and worst, more and more serious.
I have a wish, I trust my Higher Power will lead me there one day, when everything is ok and I am ok.
You have said it, P and Vera have said it, we keep trying!
Don’t quit trying before the miracle happens… -
Kin thank you very much for your post, support and kind words, I am trying my friend, just for today I will not gamble, havent posted that much recently as have been having major problems with my username and login but I think I have just sorted it all out as have managed to log in and post.
Kin I hope you are well and back on your feet heading in the right direction, will always wish you well, take care and speak soon, my very best to each and everyone of you, hope you all have a pleasent day.
Maverick
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Hi Maverick
There is nothing that says you should post in F&F and there is nothing to say you should not.
When I was in Gamanon years ago a CG from the GA room put his head round the door to tell his wife that he was going home as he had been on his own for the last hour. His wife and I were the only people in Gamanon that night and she and I asked him if he would join us for a cup of coffee, so he stayed and talked. At that time the only CG voice I had heard was the one affecting my life and I had tremendous trust issues with all that I had heard – I didn’t believe that there was an addiction to gamble, I thought it was just another lie and I was being led up another crazy path. This man told me his story without trying to excuse himself or bamboozle me and my eyes began to open to the possibility that the addiction was real but more importantly he was living proof that it could be controlled and not only that but a fantastic life was possible. He was a lovely man, he had a lightness of spirit about him, he empathised with me as nobody else had done, he was different to anybody else I knew at that time, his honesty was mind-blowing and he was easy to talk to and understand – in fact the opposite of everything I had expected.
That evening and that man have stayed in my thoughts ever since. Happily, that man was to be only the first of many CGs I have had the pleasure of knowing who have fought for a life free of addiction and won. The addiction can be controlled and kept down with determination and wonderful, fruitful, special lives can be lived as a result. Knowing that keeps me here on this site.
Your post to an F&F member reminded me of that evening in Gamanon when a man shared with me and made a difference. You didn’t intrude in F&F; you posted to another person who, like you, doesn’t want the addiction to gamble in her life.
Nobody can know when a true recovery begins but begin they do and a true recovery only has to be begun once – I wish you well you Maverick – I know you can do this.
As always
Velvet -
Velvet, thank you very much for your post and kind words they mean a great deal to me, I hope you are keeping well and as always wish you all my very best.
Still gamble free since my last mess up and have started to put some decent barriers back in place, looking back to when I had some really good recovery time under my belt and my mind was in such a good place I have been wondering what went wrong and why it has been so hard to get back on the right track, the answer is because I dropped many barriers thinking I had my addiction beat, now I know I need ever bit of help I can get.
Thanks for listening and I wish you all the very best whoever you are, just for today I will not gamble and for that I am so very grateful.
Maverick
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Dear Maverick
Recovery for me have turn from a tough experience into an enjoyable one after many years, it did not happen on my first day, it happen only after I learn my lessons and “change”.
I was a perfectionist and was very hard on myself when things go wrong. Instead of focusing all my energy on starting all over again a new, I wasted a lot of time and unnecessary pain and suffering dwelling on what went wrong and why it has been so hard to get back on the right track.
Brother, you are on the right track in recovery, everything changes for me when I made changes to my unrealistic expectation, expecting life and recovery to be perfect was one of them…it was one of the main reason why I cannot move on, I ended up staying down for a long time… look at a baby learning how to walk, when the baby fall, the baby immediately get up and try again, again and again, did the baby learn to walk on the very first attempt? How did the baby succeed?
Yes it is hard to get back on the right track, no denial about that, the first step was always the toughest, it is the same for everyone. It take up the most energy. It was the hardest in the beginning, an air plane burn the most fuel when it was taking off, after that it will be plain sailing, it will get easier along the way.
Keep it simple, take one baby step at a time, do the next right thing, when all else fail follow direction, one day at a time…these are useful slogans during difficult time.
I wish you well.
Many blessings
Kin -
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I have to be quick as I am just about to go out………
I took my boy fishing today and we had a good day out, caught plenty of fish and had a good chat although he is not himself at the moment I can tell, he has recently been getting bullied and I have been trying to sort things out for him but the schools nowadays just dont seem to care (was going to say dont give a s**t), its just another added stress, I feel for him so very much and have been down the school talking to the teachers and head teacher and they just seem to turn things back to the parents…….I got proper upset with it this week and said I am just going to go down the school, collect my boy and sort it all out myself (I know I shouldn’t but bullying is a big thing to me) not blaming anyone and my addiction is all my own doing but being bullied at a young age made me look for other things to forget and that is when I discovered gambling, (I know this could sound all messed up and an excuse) but I did everything I did and it is all down to me and my own doing I openly admit that, just hate my boy getting bullied.
If it was me I would nowadays just knock someone out (I know not very big or clever) and perhaps i am just all talk!
Anyway we caught some nice fish and my wife had a lovely day with my little girl, life is never easy but it is more manageable when I don’t gamble and when I do I can’t live with myself.
thanks for listening and will share very soon, wish you all the very best in life.
Maverick
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Hi Mav thanks for the post on my thread i’m doing okay thank you, just been reading your sons being bullied, my son was too about 3 years ago and the school didn’t want to know so we took him out and moved him to a school who did care and took bullying seriously. He’s doing great now and has his exams coming up soon. I hope you sort it out soon it must be awful for him i know it was for my son and the constant worry you get yourself wondering if he’s safe everytime he’s there . Take care and do everything you can for him ?? no child should be subject to it ??
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Thanks for your post Micky and kind words, I will get it sorted my friend and I am looking at moving schools, I am sure all will work itself out as long as I give the situation my full attention and I will.
I am a compulsive gambler and have done many bad things in my life and caused alot of hurt and pain, I can also be a kind and loving person and have also shared my love and kindness, just for today I did not gamble and that is when I am the person I want and long to be.
Thank you for reading and listening as always, I wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your recover and lives, never stop trying and never give in, there is always hope even if we dont always see it.
Maverick
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Just a quick post as I am in the middle of cooking a sunday roast for me and the family (I do enjoy cooking for the family) I even clean up too!!!!
I got paid Friday (it has been a very long month) and my wages get paid into my wife’s account (at my request), I got my “allowance” for the month (month of May this is) for my petrol, bus fares and other bits and bobs and managed to gamble it all away yesterday like an absolute T……. compulsive gambler, so this month I am totally screwed and I haven’t told my wife and not going to, my wages covered all the bills, the rent, the months food is covered, council tax, water, gas, electric, kids clubs, kids swimming and in truth my wife and children are all sorted and set up for the month (in fairness as any good husband and farther should do every month and most I do!), so this time I messed up yet again but the only person who is going to pay for there actions is me (and so rightly so), I know why I gambled because I was trying to win money to clear the loan shark I am into……I don’t know why I bothered as it always ends the same but yesterday before I placed that first bet I thought long and hard………I nearly walked back out and didn’t make the bet but nearly isn’t good enough and the inevitable happened.
I felt sick and I mean really sick, it was like a utter disappointment with myself, not a self pity issue but a genuine disappointment and upset I had done what I had done.
I have just spent 2 hours helping my boy (9 years old) do his homework, now I like to think of myself as an intelligent man (well not when I make the choice to gamble) but some of the homework they get is really full on and gets my brain working (last week I got……no sorry he got a “great work” comment and 3 stars)
This morning I wasn’t really in the mood and didn’t sleep last night but I sat there to start and watched him copy something and started to write it word for word, I took the paperwork from him and asked him “so what is …..so and so” and he didn’t know, after that we sat together and learnt about what he needed to learn about in a fun way and he then wrote it in a 9 year olds words (exactly how it should be), we had some fun and at the start he wasn’t interested one bit but by the end he was bursting with enthusiasm and was a pleasure to see.
So hence my title and I can’t quiet understand why but I am a massive Jekyll and Hyde………but only when I gamble.
I must get back to the roast as don’t want to mess that up as well, my little girl keeps asking me “is it ready yet” lol, don’t you just love kids.
The only consolation is after losing all my money, I was walking back down the road and popped in the newsagent and brought 2x little ￡1 egg/little present gifts with the last ￡2 I had in my pocket and gave them to the kids when I got in, deep down I was proper annoyed with what I had just done but seeing there faces when I gave them there little treat made it slightly easier.
I really do need to sort myself out and get a grip on my life as at times I feel really down but in truth I have to put it all down to the gambling.
All I know is it is going to be another long month, I have just raided my money pots and managed to muster up ￡9……that has to last me until May 28th!!!!!
One more thing I took my boy and dad fishing yesterday and treated them both, the weather wasn’t great and if I am to be honest I found it very hard work trying to sort everyone out as my boy struggles because of his age and my dad likewise because of his, I think they both enjoyed it so that was the main thing.
I wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your lives and recovery, this addiction is horrendous and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I can beat it and I will beat it but I haven’t helped myself yet again with what I have done.
Thanks for listening, reading and sharing, take care and hope you all have a good day.
Maverick
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I’ve been reading your posts with interest and wish you all the best in your efforts to stop gambling. I find myself in a similar predicament. I’ve closed online accounts/take timeouts etc, but always seem to find another site to put bets on and inevitably lose. I have lost my life savings and owe another ￡20,000 on credit cards and loans. I was paid last week and all my wages are now gone through gambling. I’m at a loss with the whole thing.
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Dear Maverick
Thank you for sharing your recovery with us. I read your last post and it brought back many memories, so I started to process my thoughts, feelings and action below.
About Distorted thinking / Irrational Thoughts
It goes back to my familiar irresponsible and predictable old ways to solve financial problem.
It was an old habit, I have done it many times over and over again for many years, sometimes turn to many times I have succeeded in winning my gamble and the additional money solve my problem, it prove that what I did was right, every time I have no peace and stress over finance matters, I do this, does it matter that the way I do it was wrong.
This is a quick fix and an escape for me / running away from the long and painful slow months and years of repaying to cleared my debt. It felt like a long imprisonment sentence (cannot wait to get out of this prison immediately) because I lost the freedom to use my money, I feel like a slave, I ended up working for money just to repay my debt and nothing else, life become very meaningless.
The truth of the matter was that I done this over and over again many times, after many years, I realized that I lost more money than all the wins add up altogether.
On most times, it actually worsen the situation and deepen the holes. I have learnt thru these painful experiences and realize that I was not contented with the limited money I had during these time, I felt that it was not enough, I want more, I fail to realize the limited money I had is better than being broke, I fail to be grateful to be able to pay for some bills and not for all the bills. In the end, I lost all the money I had trying to win back some more and throw everything I had away. i complicated matter and make things harder for myself because now I do not have the money that are supposed to cover all the necessities for the month.
Self-deception
To break free from this problem, the old ways have to go! I cannot forget the old habitual thoughts but I can don’t follow my thought and practice new thoughts and new ways.
The thoughts , the temptation and urge to use old familiar way to solve my financial problem through gambling was all a lie, it was a con job by my mind, it is very deceiving and convincing, it can tell me a thousand and one reasons why it is alright to go ahead to gamble and that I gamble out of love, the winnings can be used to treat my love one better and that I gamble out of responsibility, the winnings can be used to pay for the bills or service the debt. Crossing the road have risk, marriage have risk, many things i do every day have risk , just like gambling, why not gamble. It is not ok to do it. Stop listening to these lies.
The truth of the matter, if I don’t gamble, the limited money I had is enough to pay for the necessities. The bigger debt or loan can be overcome by setting aside a smaller amount over a longer period.
When I feel that life is tough, please please please don’t panic or get frustrated , I only need to wait, I don’t need to gamble, I don’t need to do anything.
The ability to be patient and be still, the ability to find peace and calm in the middle of a financial storm, requires depth in strength and a lot of practice. Our frustration and discontentment can turn into anger and impatient, it can lead us to become impulsive and get into more toubles.
Wait
The truth of the matter was I find it very tough and hard, to restrict myself, I cannot do this, I cannot do that in recovery, cannot borrow, cannot gamble, cannot spend more than my allowance every day. I am so fed up that I want to give up this strict, discipline and regimental life temporary before all the bills and debts are cleared. I can feel the pressure and stress sometime in early days.
The wisdom behind all these practices was not to restrict us but to free us to love again.
If I am contented with the limited money, no shoes to wear is better than having no feet. If I have faith and trust that it will be enough to pay for most of the necessities, most of the needs will be met every month, slowly I gain confident, I start to learn how to find peace and calm in my life even though it was not a perfect month.
If there are not enough money to pay for the lesser priority bills, postpone it to the next month, it will still be settled. If it is a top priority bill and I do not have enough, break it into many payments.
I learn acceptance, my responsibility is to do my best, sometime my best is not enough, life is not perfect, man is not perfect and there is no reason to allow this imperfection to rob us of our peace.
There will be times when I can have money to give my love one a treat but it may require me to sacrifice or give up something I like. I learn to consciously stop feeding my own desires and self-will, I learn to give up selfish, self-centered, self- seeking spending. I learn to tighten my wallet, I really have to work very hard compare to others I know to have some money to love my family.
This lesson taught me how to love. In the past, I love and give out of surplus, now I learn to give my all.
Everything happen for a reason.
Wait and it will be reveal to us in time.
Have faith. Trust.
I like to borrow a line from the anonymous group, in the promises, it says if we are painstaking about this phrase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through… -
Wrote a long post to you Lee. Pressed “Save”. It vanished!
I hate that!
In brief.
I read all you write.
Haven’t been posting lately.
Only reading.
If your wife could give you a daily allowance, would that be easier to manage?
Seems you can’t handle money…yet!
You sound like the ideal father/husband/son EXCEPT for the gambling.
Time to flush it out of your life completely.
Compared to the enjoyment you get from your children, what does gambling give you?
Nothing, I guess! -
Steven, Kin and Vera thank you for your posts and kind words as always they mean a great deal to me.
I have been gamble free since my last slip up on saturday, really been struggling money wise but just have to make it work!
“When I dont gamble I can afford to live but when I do gamble I cant even afford to fuel my car”
“I stop gambling………in time I have money in my pocket, money isnt an issue (dont get me wrong I am not rolling in it and far from it) what I mean is when I am not gambling I can afford to pay all my bills, loans and everything each month………then I make the choice to gamble………..I gamble……..lose it all (because I am a compulsive gambler and will never stop until I have lost the lot)………..now at this point I am deep in the brown smelly stuff………….may choose to lend money or may choose to do something silly to obtain money (I have done both in the past) ……..once the extra money is aquired I dont pay the urgent things I need to because I have lost so much and have to win it back………….so I gamble with it………and off course eventually I lose it all…..maybe an hour……maybe 4 hours……….might even be a day……..if I am really lucky I can drag it out into a few days…………riding that stress rollercoaster that ages me so fast I will be 100 in a week!!!!………anyway after however long it is………..I lose……….I am deeper in the brown smelly stuff………….under even more pressure and nearly hit beeaking………or breakdown point………..this is the cycle……………this always happens……..because I am a compulsive gambler………some bits in the middle maybe slightly different but 95% of it is always the same………..its a cycle and it doesnt change…….I know this……I understand this…………………so I must not start the cycle…….I always have to stay away from that first bet and this time I am going to do it.
May 2016 is going to be a gamble free month for me and it has been along time since I managed to string a month together and then this time I am going to string a year together and so on, I know I should make this statement but I have and thats what is going to happen, I am 4 days gamble free today and I am going to use every tool I have to stay gamble free one day at a time.
My gambling addiction has taken alot from me but I am still here and for that I am very grateful.
All the very best to each and everyone of you, hope you all have a great day.
Maverick
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Another very relatable post.
I was attempting to go for a gamble free May, managed to get another 2000 on a credit card and lost all of it today.
The cycle continues. I’m at the point that I’ll be struggling to put fuel in my car to get to and from work very shortly, never mind be able to afford the things I took for granted prior to compulsive gambling. My brother died ten years ago and I feel this has possibly contributed to the predicament I’m now in, as I haven’t really come to terms with that-or maybe that is an excuse on my part. I went through many suicidal thoughts due to gambling, but now I just want to move on and sort my life/finances out. -
Another very relatable post.
I was attempting to go for a gamble free May, managed to get another 2000 on a credit card and lost all of it today.
The cycle continues. I’m at the point that I’ll be struggling to put fuel in my car to get to and from work very shortly, never mind be able to afford the things I took for granted prior to compulsive gambling. My brother died ten years ago and I feel this has possibly contributed to the predicament I’m now in, as I haven’t really come to terms with that-or maybe that is an excuse on my part. I went through many suicidal thoughts due to gambling, but now I just want to move on and sort my life/finances out. -
Micky most defo you and me have a deal to support each other and make sure we get through May gamble free…….you know what I have a wonderful feeling about our recovery and when ever you are struggling or feeling down please just drop me a line and I will do likewise, you are a very good man and never forget that, will always wish you well, take care my friend and speak soon.
Steven I am really sorry to hear of your loss and like we both well know it never gets better it just keeps getting worse and worse, we have to draw a line under it somewhere and start a new.
Recovery is are only hope, please keep sharing and will always wish you well.
Take care and speak soon.
Maverick
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I decided that 2016 would be a G free year too, Maverick.
Of course we all know that there are 365 days in a year, so all we need to do is get through one day at a time. 5 days gone already this month so if you can get through one day, every day you’ll get that G free year.
I hope it will be the first of many for all of us. The Gambling life is worthless. Your mention of burning fifty pound notes reminded me of my thoughts when I shoved one fifty after another into slot machines. I often thought of bringing them into the loo and seeing if they would take longer to flush away there, than in the machines. Then the thought of some sleazy fat cat opening those machines and laughing his smutty head off all the way to the bank with MY hard earned money brought serious homicidal thoughts….Where I gambled , the casinos are all privately owned so you get to see the Ali Babas face to face every so often. They LEER at the fools stuffing money into the machines and I’m sure they have their feet up watching us on camera in the luxury of their homes in between visits. It doesn’t bear thinking about .
All we can do, Lee, is cut off their supplies!
Let’s do it!
ODAAT! Regardless of which month. Regardless of the year.
Just for today, we can make them suffer! Their loss. Our gain! -
Mav, things are going to be tight this month, of course. Can’t change that. How about next month? What can you do differently? As Vera suggested, is there any reason you need your full “months allowance’ in one go? What else can you do differently? It sounds like you have several debts at the moment that your wife doesn’t know about? That in itself is going to make it hard for you. How can you service hidden debts if you are being properly accountable and limiting your access to gambling funds?
Mav, you give great advice – how would you advise someone else if they were in your situation?
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Vera great post as always, thank you for your ongoing support, Charles you are a very good man and I am so very happy to know you my friend.
Having a nightmare with my lad being bullied at school, still going on and has escalated into out of school now…..fuming with it as wrote a letter to the head teacher over 6 months ago and all she managed to do was make me feel like shit as if I was making a big deal out of it, I am amazed and totaly disapointed in the way the teachers and school have failed my boy, for the last 4 weeks myself and my wife have taken it in turns to sleep with him in his bed as he is so frightened to go to sleep.
This bully thretened my boy when he was with his granddad the other day and I have now just snapped and hit my breaking point with it all, tonight I have tracked down were he lives and tomorrow will be going around to sort it out once and for all, it is distroying my boy, my wife broke down the other day on me with the stress and worry (never seen her that bad before and not even down to my gambling, managed to hug, love and console her) it is just a right mess, but in truth I can sort it all out and tomorrow I will.
What I say now and what I honestly believe is this……..I was bullied very badly as a child and at 14 years old thought long and hard about taking my own life……I felt I couldnt tell my parents (my fault not theres) and I drill it into my kids to tell me all and I even open up whole heart to them…….saying there is nothing I cant sort out for them.
This situation is killing me in many ways and I wont lie when I am passionate about something I can just snap……..I can see what is going to happen in advance and need to control my emotion with dealing with this nasty situation, I love my wife and children, I hate to see them so unhappy and like any good farther/husband they would do anything to look after them.
Life is so very hard at times, its not often but at times some people wind me up…..teachers speaking to parents like children………I am very tolerant but in the end something has to give and in truth everyone has there breaking point, with this situation I have come to mine.
Just for today I didnt gamble, 5 days gamble free and tomorrow after sorting my poor boys situation I need to sort the loan sharks………….many many years ago I was a good honest boy……that night I thought of taking my life ai said to myself “I have two choices………take your life as I cannot live this way anymore….or toughen up and look after yourself……..I went down the toughen up route but found very many bad things along the way (gambling being one of them), all I can say is what I speak is the honest truth and wouldnt wish the situation on anyone.
I cant complain……..I am still breathing………….I should be grateful for that……….
Maverick
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How is your weekend going, Mav?
Thinking of you.
My son was bullied once in school. I approached the dad and mam of the boy in question because the teacher couldn’t handle it . That man brought his boy to my house and questioned him in front of my son . Made him face up to what he did and apologise Told him he was ashamed that any son of his would be so cowardly as to bully a school mate. The boy was in tears. I knew him . A big innocent lad, who was showing off in front of the others to try to gain their friendship. Boys are soft at the back of it all , Mav. His dad laid out conditions on return to school, I e “include ALL you friends, without ostracising anyone”. He handled it very well . My son was still very nervous going to school. He HATES conflict . He s 30 now and told me one of the guys he lives with is withholding the rent, then giving it to him in cash, refusing to pay as the others do, by online banking My son is in charge of the rent They all share bill paying. I went for a long walk with him on Thursday night. I could hear the stress in his voice and see the anxiety in his face. I told him “This little RAT is intimidating, i.e BULLYING you” . Since he hasn’t got an ounce of aggression in him, I advised him to explain to the guy that he can make arrangements to pay HIS rent directly to the land lady. In other words, refuse to deal with this wimp. Would you believe, he is not able to do that.AT 30!! I think some people will be vulnerable for life. If I met that muppet, I would whip his head off with my tongue .We all have different ways of dealing with ups and downs I can understand perfectly how you feel. My daughter was ostracized by a friend, her “best “friend, when she was nine I will never forget that Summer. If you think boys are bad for bullying I can tell you girls are a hundred times worse. “B”s with an itch!!!
The fact that your boy knows you and his mum are on his side will mean the world to him.
My son felt very uneasy that the lad who bullied him would get in trouble with his dad!
You can’t win!
Gambling won’t help of course, nor will strangling the perpetrator which any caring dad would feel like doing!
Try to hold your temper Mav.
Sometimes, we catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I found out years later that the Bully was actually jealous of my son. I started inviting him to the house (they were only about 8 or 9 ) and he really was a nice boy.
I hope and pray it all works out well. if not would you consider changing schools? -
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Thanks for your post P, always good to see you around, Vera thankyou for your posts, support and helpful words, I have to be quick as on a small break from work, well at this point in time life is well and truly s**t, my boy is mess not sleeping at night and then over tired in the day and with that stroppy and moody……unhappy in short, I am trying to get it all out of him but think it all stems from this one bully I am not really sure as he wont open up to me, I will try again tonight, life is a mess my boys unhappy as no sleep and misserable in the day, the wifes at breaking point, my little girl waking up at night wondering why her brother is crying then she gets upset, i am knackered from no sleep and working my socks off……..I am slowly losing the plot with life and in truth have had enough…………never thought I would say it but I am 9 days gamble free and life is s**t.
Thanks for listening
Maverick
P.s – I know I couldnt deal with all this if I were gambling.
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Hey Mav,
Been reading your diary recently. Just wanted to say stay strong and you’ll get through this. I’m digging your motto of “just for today I will not gamble” – us gamblers always want instantaneous gratification and we are impatient to look at the long-term future. We want to be free from our addictions immediately. We want our financial worries to be fixed immediately. That’s what got us here in the first place. Sometimes we just need a bit of perspective, take it one day at a time, and actually think about the good things we have in life and how we can keep them that way by just not gambling for that day. Keep up the good work and stay strong! I’m sure your life is improving already.
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Thanks for your post theone it means alot and hope you are doing well.
I am 14 days gamble free so in truth May with regards to my recovery is going great it is just every other aspect of my life is s**t , struggling with so very many other stresses and today I really fancy having a bet…….I have thought about it long and hard and thought as to why I feel the need to have a bet and I have come up with the answer “I am so stressed with everything at the moment and so worried I need to take my brain out of gear and forget about everything for a while” who knows anymore, life is like a rollercoaster with all the ups and downs but just for today there dont seem to be many ups and havent seen many for a while!
Thanks for listening I just needed to share, I dont think I have done 14 days gamble free for over 6 months so thats a positive, wish each and everyone of you all the very best as I always will, take care and hope you all have a great weekend.
Maverick
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Hold on to what you have, Maverick and forget about escaping or chasing dreams….there is no escape. That bet might bring a bit of relief, even a “win” but where will that lead you? To the same miserable HELL that every other gambling session brought you and me to. Life can be difficult, but I guarantee you it will be a thousand times worse if you give in and start gambling. Fourteen days is marvellous, but it’s only today that counts.
Hold tight! -
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Keep going Maverick, 14 days is a great achievement, stay strong and come a few hours you will be into the 15th day, your words of wisdom have helped me reached 10 days gamble free, like you I have been tempted to just have 1 bet but I know that 1 bet will easy turn into more if I lose, just keep reminding yourself of that horrible feeling that comes after that loss, keep moving forward and use the 14 day achievement as a positive to keep going
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Really good to hear you are doing well Flo and thankyou very much for your post and kind words, I wish you well and hope life is treating you fair, keep posting and sharing its good to share your thoughts and life with others…….its strange how much we all have in common.
Ok so I am 15 days gamble free (thankyou to all of you for your ongoing help and support I couldnt do it without you), from the bottom of my heart thankyou.
So today, now this is me when not gambling, I went out to get a nice joint of meet for sunday lunch, I even brought some herbs to cook the meet with (attention to detail not a chance if I had been gambling I wouldnt have even brought the meet……well I probably would have but you know what I mean) came home and cooked it…..had a lovley sunday lunch with the wife and kids and then after that I took my lad fishing (spur of the moment thing) he sat down at the computer and I said do you fancy going and he jumped at the chance so we did……fresh air and memories it was lovley……..my boy caught 3 fish and I caught 5 we both had a nice afternoon and spent some wonderful time together, got back and now exhausted so just chilling before work tomorrow.
Recovery gives me life and happiness………gambling does not and never will!
Maverick
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doing great and we all know that doing great is a very difficult thing.
The most puzzling thing I find is that even with all the tools, barriers and information urges can take hold and undue everything in a split second. What I have learned from that is there is never a time when taking a risk to gamble can ever work out well for us cg’s. We must never gamble if we are going to succeed at being gamble free.
I took that chance and now feel like I’m battling harder than ever not to gamble. It is worthwhile battle though and I am going to stay in the fight just like you and Lets plan on never going to gamble again ever, ever,ever ok FG -
Thanks ican and female g your posts are a pleasure to read, I really hope you are both keeping well and will always wish you both all the very best.
Today I am 18 days gamble free, life is tough at the moment as I have alot of other things happening in life but I have just got my head down and cracking on with it all, just for today I will not gamble and with that I will be more than happy.
Maverick
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Thanks for posting to my thread, Mav! I’m delighted to see you are getting through every day without gambling, despite your difficulties. The number of days changes every 24 hours, so all we have to do is get through today! Seems like a very obvious statement, but that’s how it works. Keep it simple. Try not to allow yourself to become overwhelmed with “Life’s Issues” . You can’t solve every problem that presents itself. Some times its best to let things go over your head or walk away. I know when it comes to rearing children we need to be supportive and protective. I fought many a battle for my kids during their formative years and when I look back now, I think in some ways I took their independence and prevented them from growing up. I also got caught up in “issues” ( my own and others , that, in hindsight, I may have been better off to walk away from . In later life, I gambled to escape from some of those memories and indeed often used situations to deflect from my gambling. Don’t know if I’m making sense, but these thoughts come to me often, when I read your thread!
Gambling complicated our lives , Mav. We both know that! -
Vera you always make sense and thank you for your post it means alot, hope you are doing well today.
I have been very tempted today to gamble but I havent and I wont, the trigger was a person I work with…….he had a bet and won alot of money and was talking about it, I know the truth and that is if I start gambling again I cant stop and thats just me, I have to always stay away from that first bet as that is the one that opens up that door again leading to the “house of horrors”, yes I was very tempted, yes I knew my trigger and yes I stayed in recovery, “just for today I will not gamble” ” just for today I am happy”, 19 days gamble free and in all honesty it feels really good………..once I have the loan sharks off my back it will feel even better, I shouldnt say it but it is the truth and how I feel so I will “when you owe money you contemplate silly ways to get money to pay your debts off…………..If I wasnt under pressure to pay the loan sharks I know these thoughts wouldnt even enter my head” just wanted to share how certain things in life can set people of down the wrong path.
As always thankyou for listening, supporting, helping, sharing and most importantly understanding me.
Take care and my very best to each and everyone of you.
Maverick
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When I choose not to gamble I dont just buy the meat I buy the garnish and herbs…………..when I choose to gamble I dont even get the meat!
Life is like a rollercoaster with all the ups and downs and at the end of the ride it all evens itself out……….therefore the ride is so very different to life!
Many people say they understand but in truth I beg to differ…….how can someone understand you if you dont understand youself!
We are born into the world and we have nothing………..we eventualy die and depart from the world and leave with nothing………….the only thing that maters is what we did with our lives while in the world………..and boy have I fu***ng wasted so much of mine gambling………when the time comes God is going to kick my arse and say what were you doing Lee……you had so much more to give……..I wont be able to lie my way out of that one as he knows everything!
Why do I do what I do………..it is me who does it but I know not what I do or why!
All people want is money……….friendship is so very hard to come by nowdays…….there are not many true friends, where has it all gone wrong, what has life become!
Should you have to result to violance to make people leave you alone……….I dont believe you should……….but trust me you do!
Am I a bad man…….I know I am not and have a good heart but yes at times I can be!
Who knows what will be………it will happen and that is it……we just have to go with the flow and enjoy the ride………..I have always hated rollercoaster rides and that is the truth hand on heart…….but hey who believes a compulsive gambler………like a very good friend of mine once said “I told a lie about a lie and then I lied about that”………….never a truer word spoken……..
Just for today I didnt get the meat………
My name is Lee and I am a compulsive gambler along with many other things…………..I am going away for a while as I need to do some serious soul searching………….I am struggling to understand myself and at this moment in time I am not happy with what I do.
I wish you all well and hope you can all find the happiness you all so deserve, life is a gift.
Maverick
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I wish you all the best my friend.
Maybe it’s best to try and not understand at times.
I’ve been reading with interest and posting for a couple of weeks odd now on the site. There’s lots of good advice given and I think we are all aware of what we should and shouldn’t do re compulsive gambling, yet we have all came here.
There isn’t an easy fix sadly. For what it’s worth, reading your journal and comments/advice has been a benefit to me.Cheers,
Steve -
Hi lee
You are very brave and courageous to share the real truth about your recovery, the truth many times doesn’t look or sound good but it is progress and your continue effort plus honest action give strength and encouragement to others struggling in recovery and inspire many reading your journal.
I respect you for trying real hard to be a better man. It take a lot of strength and determination to not choose the easy way out and go back to your old ways. We soon realize that there is a price we need to pay and sacrifice we need to make to be a better person.
Your moment of weakness and struggle show that we are all human, and not perfect. Your sincerity and effort in seeking progress and improvement in the quality of your life and your family is worthy of praise.
If you have been there, you will understand what they mean, there is this saying…Religion is for people who fear Hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there.
Our solution is a spiritual one.
It takes time, maybe a lifetime to understand ourselves better, for we cannot heal something that is not there and when we understand ourselves better, it does help us to improve our acceptance of ourselves and be more realistic in our expectation of ourselves, we seek progress and improvement in our life and the lives of our love and family.
Continue your good work. My heart is with you.
Many blessings
Kin
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When I choose not to gamble my world is fantastic (well fantastic in my eyes anyway) when I choose to gamble my life is one big lie and full of hate and hurt,
These words I speak are the truth and always will be, there is no happiness found when gambling, I am 39 now and still trying to accept that.
Wish you all well and hope you can find the happiness you all so deserve.
Maverick
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Dear Maverick
Thank you for the reminder. What you have share was so true…
When a person choose not to gamble, the person get the chance to experience a happiness not found in gambling.
But a sick mind thinks differently, the problem gambler complaint a lot, he or she want the happiness not found in gambling yet he or she didn’t want to stop the gambling.
Many blessings
Kin
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Just touching base, Maverick.
Life ain’t no Bed of Roses but if you want thorns, just add gambling to the mix!
I’ve had a few nails put in my coffin recently but gambling won’t ease the pain.
Sometimes we need to just get on with things. ODAAT!
Enjoy your children while they are still young. One of these days they will be towering over you (in more ways than one!) -
Lizbeth, Kin and Vera thank you all very much for your posts and ongoing support.
Just for today I am broke…..dont have a penny, working very hard to get my life back on track……..I really do have a long way to go…….I have to dig very deep and need to find a way through all this madness.
Just for today I feel beat and discouraged but I know if I wake up tomorrow I can make things work out.
Take care and wish you all well.
Maverick
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Micky thank you for your post and I hope you are keeping well, life is what we make it and at the moment I am not doing much making, just had a massive bust up with my wife and she has said if I am not happy leave (believe it or not its not about my gambling and no I havent cheated on her…….never have and never will), I walked out and I am really upset about the situation……….I dont cry often believe me but just for today I am crying………I cant give anymore, I cant do anymore, I work so hard to give my family everything they need and many things they want but at this moment in time I am at a complete loss as to what to do……….
I am exhausted, upset, angry, hurt, depressed, distressed…….at this moment in time I am sitting in a pub drinking and have ￡8 left to my name……..there are 3 trainee boxers sitting right by me and trying to intimidate me…….or so I believe and this time I am not wrong, I am wired……..really wired and I know I am about to snap………where is the line between snapping and staying real……..its a fine line…………the problem is I know alot about lines and for some weird reason I always choose to cross them.
Wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your life and also recovery, this addiction is a complete soul destroyer and even when I am not gambling when the going gets really tough I always end up turning to gambling as my release…………as we all well know that only ever leads us to the same place.
I hate what I am, I hate what I have become, I hate myself for doing what I do but you know what there are many people out there who do alot more worse things than me and dont admit they do……….for I know what I do but dont really know why I choose to do it………….
Today I am very lost………………today I am in a complete mess with nothing left to give!!!!
I will pray for tomorrow and who knows what tomorrow has in store.
My love to all…..
Maverick
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Thanks for the post Vera it means a great deal to me and thankyou for keeping me in your prayers………at the moment I am lost, I am a total mess and in a massive hole, I relate so very much to you and you are doing great my friend, I am honestly so very happy for you, keep doing whatever is working for you and as always one day at a time. Vera you are such a suuport, help and invaluable pressence around here, your words have so much meaning and also so much truth, always look after yourself my friend and look forward to sharing again soon.
Just for today I am down and out, I am at my lowest point (mentaly and phisicaly….well also financialy), at the moment I dont know what to do or where to go but I will figure it all out!
From a lost and confused soul……….God help me…………
Maverick
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Hi Don’t give up. You will figure it all out. Everyone has to start somewhere. I think my final low was when I gambled last weekend. Although I didn’t lose a lot, it did something to my soul. I decided that there is more to life. That I am missing out on life by gambling. I will be thinking and praying for you to find strength during this difficult time in your life. Take care of yourself.
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1) EXHAUSTION
Allowing yourself to become overly tired or in poor health.Some compulsive gamblers are also prone to work addictions; perhaps they are in a hurry to pay off debts.Good health, good nutrition and enough rest are important. If you feel good, you are more apt to think well. Feel poorly and your thinking is apt to deteriorate.Feel bad enough and you might begin thinking gambling couldn’t make it any worst.
2) DISHONESTY
This begins with a pattern of unnecessary little lies and deceits with fellow workers, friends and family. Then come important lies to yourself. This is called rationalizing; making excuses for not doing what you do not want to do, or for doing what you know is wrong.
3) IMPATIENCE
Things are not happening fast enough, or others are not doing what they should or what you want them to do.
4) ARGUMENTATIVENESS
Arguing small and ridiculous points of view, indicates a need to always be right. “Why don’t you be reasonable and agree with me?” Looking for an excuse to gamble?
5) DEPRESSION
Unreasonable and unaccountable despair may occur in cycles and should be dealt with, talked about.
6) FRUSTRATION
At people and also because things may not be going your way. Remember, everything is not going to be just the way you want it to be.
7) SELF-PITY
“Why do these things happen to me?” “Why must I have a gambling problem?” “Nobody appreciates what I am doing.” You cannot afford the indulgence of self-pity or resentment.
8) COCKINESS
Got it made; no longer fear relapse. Going into a slippery situation to prove you have no problem. Do this often enough and it will wear down your defenses. Don’t test yourself: there is no payoff.
9) COMPLACENCY
“Gambling was the farthest thing from my mind.” Not gambling was no longer a conscious thought either. It is easy to forget that you have a serious addiction when things are going so well. Always, to have a little fear is a good thing. More relapses occur when things are great than otherwise.
10) EXPECTING TOO MUCH FROM OTHERS
“I’ve changed, why hasn’t everyone else?” It’s a plus if they do, but it is still your problem if they do not.They may not trust you yet; may still be looking for further proof. Trust is rebuilt in increments over time, by being trustworthy.
11) LETTING GO ON DISCIPLINE
Prayer, meditation, daily inventory, GA attendance, financial accountability.This can stem form either complacency or boredom. Yo cannot afford to neglect your recovery program; the cost of relapse is too great.
12) USE OF MOOD-ALTERING CHEMICALS
You may felt the need to ease things with a drink or a drug. You may never have had a problem with alcohol or other substance, but you can easily lose your recovery this way. It’s about the most subtle way to have relapse.
13) WANTING TOO MUCH
Do not set goals you cannot reach with normal effort. You will get what you are entitled to as long as you do your best, but maybe not as soon as you think you should. “Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
14) FORGETTING GRATITUDE
You may be looking negatively at your life,focusing on problems that are still not totally corrected. It is good to remember where you started from,and appreciate your progress.
15) “IT CAN”T HAPPEN TO ME”
This is dangerous thinking.Relapse can happen to you and is more likely to if you get careless. Remember, you have a chronic disease and your continued recovery is contingent on maintaining a particular mindset.
16) OMNIPOTENCE
This is a feeling that results from a combination of many of the above.You now have all the answers for yourself and others.No one can tell you anything.You ignore suggestions or advice from others.Relapse is probably imminent unless drastic change takes place -
Thanks for your posts and support Lizbeth, Jen, Micky and Kin,
you are all wonderful people and your posts mean a great deal to me.I am struggling big time, I have been on a drinking and gambling binge, can’t get my head right, really struggling to get my life back on the right track, I am at a total loss and in a total mess, I need to share how I feel more often, I keep things bottled up and don’t always express how I feel, I look at myself and I seem to have so much anger (dont know why) I get agitated easy at times, I shouldn’t be this angry and I shouldn’t have this much anger inside, just for today I know not who I am, just for today I hate the person I have become, I want to change, I have to change, I must change or I have no life.
I am a lucky man but just for today I don’t feel it.
I gambled today and I hate the torture I put myself through, it has to stop or this will kill me, just for today my life is a complete mess but only I can change it ………….I am exhausted, in debt, confused, hurt, drunk and in despair……….I know God will help me and I know he does but I just need to help myself!!!
My very best to each and everyone of you, I hope my well wishes finds you all well, we live in a tough world full of temptation and I am afraid to say I have no or little will power when it comes to anything, I have good intentions I promise you all that………..however a old man said to me when we were in a pub drinking many years ago “The pathway to hell is full of good intention” who knows maybe he was right and maybe he was wrong but when I decided to pick myself up, give myself a good shake and kick my own ****ing arse I don’t intend to find out!!!!!
Take care all and thank you once again for you constant posts, support, kind words, helpful advice and just being around sharing, it means a great deal to me and more the I could ever explain.
Maverick
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I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time! I had a terrible day also! I wanted to gamble but didn’t. Sometimes we have to dig deep although it may be very painful. There are reasons why we gamble and do destructive things to ourselves. Many times we have unresolved issues that we are trying to deal with or toxic people in our lives. For myself, I am going to get more counseling. Is there anything that you can do that will help you cope better? I am thinking and praying for you. Remember we can only change ourselves!!!!
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Lizbeth thanks for your post it means alot, I am really sorry to hear you are having such a tough time at the momemt, stay strong and try and do some things that make you happy, I know family can be hurtful at times and like the classic phrase goes “we can choose are friends but not our family”!
Well life for me is still on a downward spiral and I am slipping very fast downhill into a hole I just cant get out, off work at the moment as just cant deal with situation I have put myself in……I started off the day in a great mind set and felt really good, planned lots of stuff and everything turned bad…….just for today I gambled and messed up yet again.
Why? Why? Why?
Maverick
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Maverick you can change , you have done it before and you can do it again, i think Lizbeths right we gamblers have unresolved issues . For me i tell myself ” Accept the things i can’t change and appreciate the things i have” . Unfortunately i have things in my life that are unresolved and i have accepted that there is nothing i can do about them , not easy at times but i have to be honest with myself . Hope your okay and ” Never give up giving up” my friend ?? Post on my thread anytime i will always get back to you :)Micky
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Maverick, Don’t give up! Although it feels like you can’t get out of the hole, you can! You have done it before. We are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Thank you for the advise on family. You and others here have been my support system and I want to say thank you!!! Take care and keep posting.
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Thanks for your post and support Lizbeth it means alot to me and will always wish you well.
I dont know where to start really, I was have a chat with someone tonight………..and the question came up (as it usualy does) how much have I lost gambling in my life, now as every compulsive gambler knows it really is impossible to say, you can work out very roughly how much you have lost over the years but I would imagine most of us would say its less than we have as I always feel very embarrased and also sick when I “guess” the amount, to be fair I will always stand by what I have always said “its all relative” ￡100 to someone is like ￡1000 to someone else and at the moment ￡10 to me is like being able to live for another day.
I have got myself deep in this time, I shouldnt have, I have been there before, I should have learned from my mistakes, I havent learned from my mistakes, I promise I will try and learn this time, people are strange creatures at.times and I know for a fact some people lime to see people fail, well there are many different kinds of people in life and I know for one “I will never stop fighting until the fight is through”………………my honest answer tonight to the person who really was trying to help me was “probably around half million but in truth it really is all relative” I find my life very hard to live at the moment but in fairness God is keeping me in the world and I have a wife and kids to love……..so I better say thankyou and as of tomorrow do a better job!
Take care all and wish you all the very best in the world, if I wake up tomorrow breathing I should be so very thankful for that and with that will be happy.
Maverick
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Hi Mav first of all thanks for your post on my thread i’m always grateful for your support my friend, secondly love your name Maverick i am one too ( slightly different to the normal boring sheep or follower ) . Like i said earlier post to me anytime i’m always there for you , where there is a will there is a way ??
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Just to let you know I’m thinking of you, Maverick. I had a dose of flue/throat/earache all week. My daughter is enjoying her holiday, despite my whinging. She brought the sun with her.
Gambling is not a option for me these days. I know , of course that like every CG , I have another gamble in me but I don’t think I have another recovery . I just don’t dwell on either. It seems the days are just passing me by . Life can be like that. We need to savour ever moment.
I hope to God things improve in your life Maverick.
Gambling spoils EVERYTHING. Alcohol is a close runner up. Be good! -
Vera thanks for the post and support as always, it means a lot to me.
3 days gamble free and I can tell you it has been bloody hard work and tempted everyday, today was the worse, my wife and children have gone away and I am home alone, I managed to get my hands on some money (for food and petrol to last me while my wife is away) I went fishing by myself for half the day but found that really hard work (I like fishing) everything just seemed a struggle, came home and got cleaned up, got my money and jumped in the car, went to get few cans and then was as close as you possibly can be to having a bet without having one, fought hard with myself and came home.
I have to stay away from that first bet and if I can keep doing that I will keep winning, I am weak willed I know that so I must be mindful of everything I do and all my actions, this week is a hard week at work and in the evenings I plan to work even harder and make some extra money (legally) while my wife and kids are away enjoying there holiday, hope to make some inroads in paying off the people you don’t want to be paying off (if you know what I mean).
It still amazes me that I am who I am and do what I do yet still struggle everyday with an addiction I can’t seem to control or keep at bay……………lost for words…….
Thank you to each and everyone of you for being here, listening, reading, hearing, understanding and commenting it means a lot to me and some days is the only thing that keeps me going.
Maverick
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Hi Maverick
Alcohol use has never help any recovering person recover from any form of addiction.
It is a mood altering substance and it affect our thinking and feeling. It does more damage to our recovery than help.
Recovering from gambling addiction is tough enough, don’t make it any harder for yourself by taking alcohol, alcohol destroy a person ‘s sobriety. -
My life in this world seems to reflect me on a snakes and ladders board………….what with all the ups and downs, however as long as I am still in the world I will stay in the game, I can never win the game as there is a snake on number 100, but thats ok as all I really what to do is take part, so if I am on number 1 or just got to number 100 and dropped down the snake it doesnt mater as long as I am doing the best I can as always one day at a time.
Just for today I will not gamble.
Maverick
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Well done on starting over,
3 days is great, any day is better than day 0. It is so easy to think straight when in recovery, when in addiction it is not so easy as the addiction has kind of talen the brain hostage. Breaking free of it is incredibly hard. I totally understand, I have relapsed too many times to count. It is early days for me too. You are right in what you say as long as you dont have the first bet. Avoiding it. Getting busy when the urge comes, delaying it.
Keep trying no matter what. Every time you get knocked down, get back up. Everyones journey is different and its such a sneaky addiction. I have had many periods off gambling thinking i was fine. Just have to make recovery number one every day. For me i keep re affirming, i dont gamble… every time i have a thought, i think, i dont gamble. I say it every day.
Hoping sub consciously it will sink in.
You are doing well to return Mav a lot dont. There are people that come and go here, we never see again. Really we are the lucky ones never giving up. Don’t let gambling destroy you or take anything more from you. We can do it Mav. I’m with you too.Pea
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Dear Maverick
You have been missed! So glad to see you posting.
Here we are a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from a gambling problem. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop gambling. Our primary purpose is to stop gambling and to help other compulsive gamblers do the same.
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Thanks for your kind words Kin they mean alot, I really hope you are keeping well.
I am still struggling with this addiction and I need to change things because at the moment whatever I am doing is not working, “if nothing changes then nothing changes” I need to listen to those words and act on them.
I have now finally hit an all time low…….all I can do to describe the feeling is to say “I feel physicaly sick, mentaly about to break down, the feeling of being totaly lost, in dispair, no where to turn and without hope”
Why why why………………………………..do I never learn!
I know I am a compulsive gambler and I know I need to stop gambling but at the moment I cant seem to stop, just for today I need to try something different, I need to get as many barriers in place as possible to help me fight this addiction, I feel it killing me slowly and turning me into a person I really dont like.
Last bet today 8th September 2016……….I cant go on gambling and wasting, destroying my life………I am so tired off it all, its such a messed up situation to be in, finacial I sit here now and have nothing but more worryingly I sit here now and mentaly I am destroyed, my brain isnt working right and my mind feels blank………I just dont know.
To those of you who are all struggling with this addiction I wish you well and pray each and everyone of you manage to find a way out and in turn lead a happy life.
“At the moment I honestly dont know but in time there will be an answer”
Maverick
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Lizbeth, Charles and Kin, thank you for your ongoing support it means a great deal to me.
I know I am a compulsive gambler and I know if I dont fight hard at overcoming this addiction I will end up dead pretty soon, that is a fact I know, I feel it and I sense it breathing down my neck, it is like a uncontrollable force that I cannot contain, recently I have lost the plot, 3 years ago I was in a great mind set, hated gambling and what it had turned me into and worked very hard at staying gamble free but really enjoyed my life also and enjoyed staying clean!!!! now I just can’t seem to stay gamble free for more than a week!!!!
I hate the person I have become, I am slowly pushing my wife and children further away from me after working so very hard to get them so very close to me and back in my life, I wright this now and I have tears in my eyes………..I hate the person I am when I gamble and I hate that gambling turns me into a totally different person, I am 40 in 2 months time and although most days I am strong at the moment I feel totally weak, my wife hates me, my children wonder who I am but more importantly I dont know who I am anymore and I am at a total loss in life.
I know I am the only one who can change me but I am struggling so much in life at the moment and in truth I am holding on by a thread, I am in despair yet again, distraught, in truth not sure what way to turn and who to look to for help and support.
As a compulsive gambler who has been in and out of recovery for many years I have exhausted very avenue (basically meaning I have lied, cheated, stole, promised and begged that I would change), why would people believe or help me…….in all honesty I wouldn’t help myself because I am a lying, cheating, hurtful, malicious, callous, thieving, manipulating and hateful person……………………
I dont wright this for sympathy…..I wright this purely for myself and to let everyone know the true person I really am, this is the honest truth and I am not proud of that I am, but as God is my witness I swear to God I will change my ways and become a better man.
Thanks for listening and wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your life.
“just for today I am one of the worst people in the world but in all honesty it is not a place I am proud to be in”
The only good thing about today is I took my dad fishing (he is getting on in years, not great health and has had a few strokes over the last couple of years), in truth this morning we had a great time and caught a hatful……he was well pleased (even that wasn’t enough to stop me gambling this afternoon!!!!)
My name is Lee and I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was today 11th September 2016……………………..I cannot change what I have done but I can change the present and the future.
Take care all and please always stay strong, this addiction kills us one day at a time but only if we let it.
Maverick
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Maverick, Hang in there and keep fighting this addiction! You are worth a gamble free life. Don’t give up on yourself. This addiction is so hard to overcome but it can be done. You will always have my support. Think about all the good things in your life, your wife, children and Father. They want you to be the healthiest you can be. In the end, it’s the people you love and who loves you that matters. Keep posting! Always here ! Take care!
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Just for today I didnt gamble, today is day 2 gamble free, last day gambled Sunday 11th September 2016, this is it this time, I honestly cant go where my next bet takes me again, I know saying this is putting immense pressure on myself but it isnt because I cant go down that road anymore, “I have caught the last bus back to the main road and the driver said thats it the route is now obsolete if you go down there again there is no way back” I have took that journey way to many times and in truth I am very lucky to still be in the world!
I promise you all when I dont gamble I am not a bad person and deep down have a good heart, but when I choose to gamble I am the worse person in the world and in truth I hate the person I become, it sounds very extreme but the only way I can describe it is like Jekyll & Hyde………….
I am a compulsive gambler, I have been in and out of recovery for about 6 years now, I wont lie before this time I didnt want to stop gambling and didnt want recovery but for the last 6 years I have wanted recovery and really wanted to stop, something clicked for me and although I havent stayed stopped I know recovery will always be the place for me and I will always keep fighting this addiction until the day I depart from the world.
2 days gamble free and I already feel I am getting the real me back, thanks to everyone for all your ongoing help and support, I wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your recovery and life.
Maverick
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Day 3 gamble free, I have been working very hard at understanding why I slip up and been building so many barriers you wouldnt believe, I still have a plan to self exclude from every public place I used to gamble (about 4 shops left) and have blocked and excluded from everything online so that route is neon impossible now, just need to get my hands on a tenner to get the photos I need to self exclude from the remaining 4 shops, sounds stupid I know but when you havent got money you havent got money, I wont lie I have managed to pay all the bills until the end of the month and earlier in the month gave my wife all the money she needed for the kids school clothes and there day trip money, so at least thats all sorted, I dont get paid for another 3 weeks and it is going to be a tough time, struggling for petrol but thats my fault, as a punishment perhaps I will have to walk to work and back for a few weeks, the problem being a compulsive gambler is very much like the story “the boy who cried wolf” in the end no one believes you!!!! and in truth I cant blame them.
I am here, I am alive, I am fighting, I am a compulsive gambler and just for today I will not gamble.
Thank you to everyone for reading from the person who understands every word I type to the person who doesnt understand or accept a thing I say but after reading helps them move to the next stage in there life, I am not here to be right or wrong, I am no where near the perfect man and so very far from it, I am only here for me because if I dont help myself no one else can……..
I send my very best to each and everyone of you and hope this finds you all well.
“I hate the man that gambling has turned me into but deep inside I am still a shy boy with a kind heart”
Maverick
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I , for one understand everything you have said, Maverick.
Action speaks louder than words as we know.
Words come easily to a Cg. We are accustomed to talking our way around situations. Walking the walk is a bit more difficult that talking the talk but YOU CAN DO IT Maverick.
One step at a time.
One day at a time.
Nobody said it would be easy to quit gambling. All we know is that it IS possible.
You have a very kind heart.
Be kind to yourself now.
Got a bike ? -
Vera thanks for your kind words, advice, help, support and always being around it means a great deal to me, you are a wonderful women and so happy you are happy and living a gamble free life as always one day at a time, take care my friend and hope you have a great day.
Shanks’s Pony!
Maverick
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You can never ever win mate! I,am 38 now and being in this hell for 20 years! I used to now ways how to win on fruit machines when I was in my 20s! Go round the uk making easy 200 a day but I loved horse racing dogs and worst of all those bookie roulette! I give up for a few months this year and I bumped into a guy I knew that I not saw for years and he taught me a way that I cannot lose by laying a horse and betting it at a higher price! So you be evens if loses or 30 to 50 up if wins! So I be in bookies ok making 40 to 100 pound some days and been doing this for the last few months! Sounds great hey! WRONG! As I always end up betting on other things just like a normal person would! Start betting horses I fancy then straight on to Fobt! I would be OK for hours and just lose my head for that split second! I lost well over 5 grand I would say! Really about 10 grand but 5 grand would be what I won doing the system. Done 1700 last week in oneday chasing 50 pound as I made a mistake with laying a horse and lost 1000 Yestreday! When I give up for a few months I had about 15 grand in the bank and now just under 9! Just can,t understand why I can not just be like my mate and not lose my head! In bed now and still sick over the grand I lost Yestreday! Only 9 days ago it was 1700! All that hard work of making 50s and 30s there for nothing plus lost my own money! I am one SICK person and hate life ATM! Even started taking Valium now and i am so unhealthy and fat.
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Hi Maverick, We CG’S always have good intentions and we do mean it at the time. We just have a hard time following through. Who would want to be in our positions? It is a illness. When I looked at it like that, I was able to make more sense of it. You are a good, caring person. Never forget that! Sometimes it is easy for us to lose our self in this disease. You don’t give up the fight and you keep coming back and trying. That’s all you can do. Sometimes we have to take it One Step At A Time! Always know that you have the support of a lot of people here at GT! This is a vicious disease! Keep trying and stay strong!!! You are not alone!
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Lizbeth, Charles and Lees thankyou very much for your ongoing help and support in means a great deal to me, more than I could ever express, hope you are all keeping well and wish you all the very best in your recovery and life.
Just for today I didnt gamble gamble……day 6 gamble free, everything is going well and I am feeling good…………all I can do is live one day at a time…….and with that I am very greatful.
Thank you for listening, reading and maybe understanding, I am starting to like myself again but only a little bit!!!!!!
Maverick
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Hey congratulations on 6 days free
I know the struggle I’m the same been here for years and years. I guess the one thing i know and can see is we keep getting back up.. gets exhausting doesnt it.
The good thing is you are back on track. It takes time the days add up and what a relief when they do, you are on the way again Mav, hold onPea
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Thanks for your kind words Pea they mean alot.
Well just for today I feel tom tit!, been in bed most the day with a fever, stinking cold, bad head, ache all over been trying to rest as working again tomorrow and cant afford to miss a day.
I did pop out for 20mins this morning to buy some lemsips as managed to get my hands on ￡9 (dont ask but perfectly legal) anyway after buying the lemsips and walking out of the shop a car drove up to me and wound the wind down, there was a women driving the car in tears and had two young children in the back, she said could I help her and I asked what was wrong, she said her boyfriend had kicked her out and she needed some money for petrol to get to her mums house (miles away so you said) and the bank machine had just eaten her only card………..I paused for a moment thinking am I being had over here and then thought whatever I dug deep (very deep) and gave her all I had (about ￡6ish) and said sorry thats all I have she said “God bless you” and then drove off, I didnt tell anyone else what happened as they would have said I was a mug………maybe I am and maybe I am not………..in fairness I dont care what people think about me (well in truth I do but I shouldnt), a very good friend said to me many years ago “what people think about you is there problem not yours”, I suppose for me the moral of the story is someone asked me for help and I did what I could………I couldnt live my life refusing to help anyone and the truth is and always has been if I have got it you can have it!
I am driving to work tomorrow as I have aquired some fuel for me car (dont ask thats another story)…………I am currently on my 3rd lemsip of the day watching some kids dog film (beethovan I think) in bed with my little girl (I keep telling her to keep her distance) as I dont want her catching what I have got……………I am tired, burnt out, feel tom tit but I havent gambled………I am very lucky in many ways but today I dont feel it (I cant help how I feel)
Take care and wish you all well.
Maverick
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I want to start by saying that I understand fully what you are going through and wish you all the best.
As usual, I find your posts very relatable and they have helped me in my own situation.
It’s very difficult to break the pattern of behaviour, even tho we all know it leads to negativity and heartbreak.I have given up gambling and started again and given up and started again etc etc repeat to fade.
I’m now at a stage where I haven’t gambled since 01/09/16, might not seem a lot to some people, but I feel I’m making progress.
Your conversation about not liking the person you become when you are gambling also makes sense to me. I’ve found myself in the same position.
All of this is easier said than done, but my life is so much better when I’m not gambling.
Stay strong and all the best.
Cheers,
Steve -
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Steve and i did it, thanks for your posts, kind words and support, they mean alot to me and I hope you are both keeping well.
Just a quick post as on my break, works very busy, life is very busy, still not feeling 100% but keep plodding on.
Today is 11 days gamble free, I know at times I am going to get tempted but this time I am going to make it work.
My very best to you all.
Maverick
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Hi Mav, well done on 11 days. I know you are very short on cash right now Mav but I think it would be great medicine for you , regardless of debt or commitments if you buy yourself something really nice on pay day. I’m thinking great shoes you can see every time you look down, or a small TV or radio u can use everyday or even a George Foreman or fancy coffe e maker you can on sale for about 30-40. Make it something u will use often but wud never buy for yourself (or never feel you deserve)
This was important for me at the start .(for me it was necklaces and clothes!).
I feel kinda great when I used my posh (and very much reduced coffeemaker).i love how my house smells like coffee shop before work.. Do you know I still hesitate, sometimes for days over the four quid to buy the pods for it. Four quid was less than one spin when I gambled.
The point I’m making I guess is that we can keep telling ourselves we are worth it or we deserve it , but unless we change other behaviours and attitudes towards ourselves , we are not really living like we believe it . Yes we need to look after others in our life , but we need to be good to ourselves too sometimesI guess it’s Like that fake it til we make it kind of thinking .
So pleased Mav .your days are building up . Now let’s build Mav up!
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Pea thankyou for your reply you are a wonderful person and so very happy to know you, I used to use the online groups all the time but haven’t for the last year or so, perhaps its something I will start using again to help my recovery who knows I will just go with the flow.
I did it, thank you for your post and kind words, I totally understand what you mean and what you are saying and I will work on that, I do need a treat I know and understand that, I like the way you look after yourself with regards to that and it does make perfect sense, I wish you all the very best in your recovery and life and please don’t worry about me I will be fine, life is tough at times as we both well know but we both know how to get through it and we will both beat this addiction, its so great to see you doing well and my very best to you.
I am a compulsive gambler and just for today I will not gamble, 13 days gamble free and as always one day at a time!
Thank you to everyone who reads, listens, understands and cares, my very best to each and everyone of you.
Maverick
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Lizbeth you are so very welcome, you have been there and helped me many times, be sure to look after yourself and hope things inprove as I know they will.
Well just for today its been one bit of bad news after another, seems like cancer is taking everyone I know………and alot of the time it seems to be creeping upon them with no warning and they are left with nothing they can do about it, today I find life so very sad but what can we do “we are born, we bring nothing into the world and in the end we die, we can take nothing out of the world” I suppose the only thing that maters is what we do we our lives while we are in the world……………from the words of a song I used to listen to so very often that sad “we came to this world with nothing and we leave with nothing but love, everything else is just borrowed”
Take care all and wish you all well, just for today my heart is sad but thats just life and I cant change that, 16 days gamble free today and I dont think I have managed that for more than a year……….life is like a rollercoaster we just have to ride it.
Maverick
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Thanks for the post i did it, really hope you are keeping well.
I have been really busy with work and in fairness I have been staying out of trouble, I have been thinking alot about the recent sad news and I have come to the conclusion it happens everyday for many people (we just dont know them) its not until a family member or friend or even a friend of a friend becomes ill that we then think, care, help and support in anyway way we can, people become ill everyday and many people depart from the world everyday and I know and understand thats life, so it is even more important that we understand that the only thing that really maters is what we do while we are in the world.
Take care everyone and wish you all well.
Today is 18 days gamble free, tomorrow I get paid and I owe a fortune, I will stay strong and work everthing out, in the end I know all will be good.
Maverick
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Lees and steven thanks very much for your kind posts and support, I hope you are both keeping well and both staying strong, keep doing what works for you both and as always one day at a time.
19 days gamble free, got through payday today, paid off many many things and now on a very tight budget again for the next month…………..it is what it is and just for today I did not gamble.
Wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your recovery and life.
Maverick
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Thanks Kin, you are a very kind person with a kind heart, I hope this finds you well.
Someone said something today (not to my face but behind my back) and it has upset/played on my mind all day and even now, that’s the sort of person I am……….soft and sensitive!
There are a lot of hurtful, nasty, bitter, lazy people out there but that is just life, If I let it these people will hinder my recovery and I must always remember “what people think about me is there problem not mine”
Just for today I did not gamble and that for me is 25 days gamble free (haven’t managed to string that sort of recovery time together for well over a year), life is busy, life is tiring, life is hard, feeling pretty down and low at this point in time but cant quite work out why.
Wish you all well, take care and look after yourselves.
Maverick
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Well down Mav. You are doing great! I always think to myself when people upset me – think of the most popular person u know. Now Rem loadsa people dislike that person just because they are popular ! U will never please everyone .
I think we need to every day do something for ourselves to remind ourselves that we are worth it .
because we are
Even though we say that we often don’t feel it
And that is why horrible little people can bring us down.
U are so worth it Mav.u are worth recovery . U are worth happiness . And u are even worth time on the mind and lips of a ******* who has nothing better to do than gossip! But this ******** is not worth time in your mind!Keep strong. Keep posting . And keep recovering!
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Hi Mav, just wanted to thankyou for your supportive post on my thread.
I have had a little read through some of your posts and can see you have been on a huge rollercoaster ride uuugghhhh, it’s awful isn’t it.
Good to see you are having a good spell of not gambling, keep up the good work.
I hear what you’re saying about having a sensitive nature (i’m the same)…..i find that i go over and over things in my mind and let it get to me, which then gives me the excuse that i need to gamble to clear the thoughts from my head.
Hope you have a good day today with no stress.
Take care -
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Thanks bee and lees for your post they mean alot to me, thankyou for your kind words, support and taking the time to post.
I have to be quick as need to get back to work in 10 mins but just wanted to share over the last couple of days I have been having massive urges to the extent that I nearly gambled today but thankfully I didnt, I know it is crazy and after all that my gambling has done to destroy my life I still had massive urges and in truth wanted to gamble…………God knows why after the pain and suffering but all I know is I did, I dont want the want to gamble and will work hard at getting shot of it.
Today is 33 days gamble free and I am so very grateful for that, thank you all for reading and listening, as always I wish you all well, I will share again tonight when finished work, I have read alot of posts this week and have seen the struggles and also success and all I can say is if you are here, reading and sharing then you have hope!
Maverick
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Maverick well done on resisting those urges. Keep working at Mav. At last i understand why we need other interests to fill our time! It’s our mind that needs filled. We need to have other things to distract us when the urges come.
There are some sites which advertise meet ups for all kinds of things . One of these might interest you and it would give you a new distraction . Just an idea to think about .
Hope the urges have faded . You deserve freedom from this . -
Charles, Vera and I did it, thankyou for your posts and kind support, there is a pattern…..there is always a pattern, I havent been around for a few days and I havent been working hard on my recovery!!!
Today I gambled, after some really good time in recovery, I was doing really well, paying off loans, overdrafts, loan sharks and also treating my wife and children to the things they so deserve.
I planned to gamble today, I obtained the money, took a days holiday from work (without my wife knowing) and I went out and gambled, as we all know what happens but I will tell you anyway I lost every last penny (apart from ￡20) there is a reason why I kept that last ￡20, this morning I promised my boy 5 x packs of football cards (he collects them) if he was good today and my little girl asked me for a Puddsy badge (children in need badge) as she had noticed it a few days ago while shopping with her mum, I finished my gambling spree and brought the football cards and the puddsy badge along with a pair of light up ears (children in need gift) for my girl also, then hit the pub to contemplate life, I walked in here with ￡10 cash and my credit card that has ￡14 left on it……I sit here now on my fourth pint (card maxed out) and ￡10 in my pocket (enough for another 3), and honestly wander why I am such a shit person, why do I do what I do, I hate myself for what I am and what I have become, my mum and dad brought me up well and I just became the person I am along the way, I am a compulsive gambler, borderline alcoholic and at times I have so much anger inside I cant explain (just want to add I have never layed a finger on my wife in 20 years) (or my children), I am not like that but I do have this built up agression inside……..
The only reason I write this is so I can look back on it and learn, I work really hard to support my family I promise you I do and also show them love and effection, I hide the destruction I have caused so as not to effect them and I have worked really hard at paying off the mess I have caused……….today was massive, its all my own fault, I dont have anyone else blame apart from myself, I knew what I was doing and it was me doing it, I was trying to blast myself out of the hole I had dug………..and boy didnI blast myself…………..not out of the hole but another 30 foot deeper……….today I gambled (4th November 2016) and today I messed up, I am stuggling to see anyway out of this situation at the moment…….I turn 40 at the end of this month and while people I know are living in big homes and driving nice cars I am fighting hard to stay alive (in truth I know there are many poor souls out there who dont have enough food to live) and I need to be greatful for where I am in life, I am what I am and God knows I am sorry for all I do but I cant seem to stop doing it, I am weak and I know that, I have no willpower and I also know that.
I just want to say I am many many bad things and I put my hands up and admit to that but I love my wife and kids with all my heart………..when they get home from school my boy will have his football cards and my little girl will have her puddsy badge and light up ears!!!!
Just for today my name is Maverick and I am a compulsive gambler, last day gambled 4th November 2016, I hate what I have become and it needs to end……….I cant live with this addiction anymore and I have to work even harder this time to stop this madness, I dont have the energy anymore to keep doing what I am doing, God help me my friend as I know you do!!!!!
Will always wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your recovery and life.
Maverick
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“I planned to gamble today”….I hear you Maverick. I’m just back from the Credit Union. As I drove through the golden arch of November leafy trees this thought came to my mind ” today would be an ideal day for the casino”. I had €600 in my possession. Who would know if that went into the Credit Union or the slots?We can always cover our tracks…..
My point, Mav, is that I could easily have done what you did IF I had 600 in cash not in a cheque. If I hadn’t told my husband (although he wasn’t really listening) I’ll be back in 45 mins, IF I hadn’t a plan to go out tonight.
It’s so important, Maverick to”shut the gate BEFORE the horse escapes”…..but you know that.
Why not decide today that this is IT!!! -
Hi Mav,
Well done on coming back here.
Maye the question you ask yourself shouldn’t be “Why do i do what I do?”. Maybe it needs to be “Why don’t I do the things I know would make it harder for me to gamble?” Things like financial barriers/accountability. Things like posting here more often getting to GA meetings. Things like returning to that bookies, with no money on you, and getting banned.
Keep posting and maybe answering some of those?
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Kin, Vera and Charles as always thank you for your posts they mean a great deal to me, I am really grateful for you all being around.
I know I messed up and in truth I am messed up but I will try hard to get better.
I am a compulsive gambler and my last bet 5th November 2016, I hate myself and the person I have become.
Maverick
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So it’s been 6 days since I last posted on my journal…….it’s scary stuff how life can change so much in 6 days, I am afraid to say that in those 6 days I have gone from being in deep trouble to being in the deepest pile of brown smelly stuff anyone can possibly imagine!!!!!!, In fairness to many of my recovery friends I know and love “if nothing changes then nothing changes” and that is where I am falling short!
I am in a complete mess, I have taken the whole week off sick from work, drank silly amounts (as usual) gambled silly amounts (also as usual) and sitting here now wondering how I can move forward in life, dont get me wrong, I have fixed leaking taps and water leaks, dropped and picked the kids from school, treated them to this that and the other and spent some really nice quality time with them, when they dont see it and have gone to bed thats when I have been at my worst, work have been giving me a hard time for not going in and I think thats a right f###ing joke as they dont even pay me for being sick!!!
Alot of things in life are really p###ing me off and my boy is getting a hard time again at school, I went down there yesterday and nearly lost the plot……only because I care and love him……I hate seeing anyone in life being hurt or bullied, I know for sure I started gambling because I was being picked on and needed some sort of escape/release……..say what you will I know that to be fact as it was and is my life.
Life can be bloody hard work at times and I hate the person I have become, I also hate alot of things in life but on the other hand I love a great deal also, I am what I am and have become what I have become!!!
Just for today I dont like the person I am, but thats just life, only I can change that person but at the moment I cant see much hope, I will keep looking and keep searching but at the moment just cant see any light……
Thank you for listenng, reading and maybe understanding, it means a great deal to me, my very best to each and everyone of you in your recovery and also life.
Take care and hope this finds you all well.
Maverick
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Hi Maverick, I felt deeply touched by your above post. Don’t ever give up hope!!! Even in the darkest times, it is there!!! Keep looking. It seems like you are really down. Is there someone who you can talk to? Maybe a counselor? I know that this has helped me. Bullying is the most horrible act and can leave a life long effect on us. I know that my Grandson has been bullied in the past and his Mother (my daughter) went to school and nipped it right there. My Grandson has learned that he has to stand up for himself , which he now does. People bully because of ignorance and because they are not happy with themselves. I am glad that you went to your son’s school and defended him. That shows what a wonderful Father you are! I know that you feel like you are in a bad place right now but if you would find all the wonderful qualities that you possess, you would see your real value to your family, yourself and society. Don’t give up on yourself Maverick. You can move forward!!
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Lizbeth thank you very much for you post, kind words and support, knowing what you are going through and all the stress you are having in your life you taking the time to post and think about me means all the more, I hope you are keeping well and really hope life gives you all the happiness you so deserve, take care my friend and will always wish you well, look after yourself and never give up.
So I am here now and have to say my last day gambled is today!, I am going to break the pattern and I am going to stop, this is my last day gambled and my last bet, I honestly cant do this anymore, gambled has destroyed him and took me to within a inch of my life……….but there will be no more!
I am a compulsive gambler and today was my last bet , just for today I sit here now playing games with my kids and the wife is having a well deserved girls night out, I am many things in life and a compulsive gambler is one of them but I do and will always love my wife and children.
Thanks for listening as always and all I can say is tomorrow is another day and I thank God for that, I am alive and kicking and just for today thats all that maters.
Maverick
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Great to hear that you are making a U Turn , Maverick.
“I am many things in Life and a compulsive gambler is one of them” applies to me too. Unfortunately, when the CG reigns, every other aspect of the person is subdued and prevented from gaining it’s full potential.
I know how you feel about bullying, Maverick so here is a proposition for you. Image gambling to be the “bully” that is destroying your life. ( I know some people call it a “beast” , but I refuse to personal gambling). For now, let’s suspend all other analogies and just picture gambling as the greatest bully you ever met. The only different with this bully , is now you have the means to defeat him . You are only powerless over the bully when you allow him to “share your space” but because you are bigger and stronger now, you can walk away.
Every bully is a coward, Maverick. In real life and in our imagination.
Turning the other cheek, Walking away and ignoring a bully is often the best way to protect ourselves.
Gambling can’t harm you when you don’t succumb to the temptation to gamble.
Time to turn your back on a “habit” that makes you feel less than the person you deserve to be.
Enjoy your time with your children. Nothing lasts forever. -
Hi Maverick
I attended a lunch time all addiction anonymous meeting and Sunday service last week and I heard the same message in both places.
An experience recovering person share that the 12 step recovery program was his compass in the lunch time meeting.
On the Sunday service, the Pastor who is a recovering person too lift up the bible in one hand and say that this is his compass.
In recovery, I learn from the experience old timer that when we are following a recovery program, our chances become higher otherwise we are still depending on the same old familiar way which is all about my way, me, I and myself to stay stop and nothing changes.God made everything possible for me but it was the bible and the 12 steps recovery program which help give me a very clear direction on what to do and how to do my recovery.
Heavenly Father, please bless Maverick with wisdom to made the right choice in life and in recovery. In Jesus almighty name I pray. Amen!
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I haven’t been on here for a while, so been reading your posts with interest. You have to try and change your pattern of behaviour. You know better than anyone that gambling is not the solution, it only leads to misery. I haven’t gambled since the first of September. I have no desire to gamble. I’m attending ga meetings weekly and I have someone controlling my finances. These steps are working for me, but I appreciate that everyone is different.
Perhaps they would work for you too?I wish you all the best Maverick.
Take care. -
Hi Steven, thanks for your post and really happy to hear you are doing well, keep up the great effort and I am sure and also hope you are experiancing the happiness that you could never find while gambling, keep fighting and staying strong and so very happy to see you doing well, all the best my friend and hope to hear from you soon.
Maverick
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So I am at work and just on a break so thought I will make a quick post.
I have been struggling big time recently over the last few weeks (more so than I ever have as far as I can remember), in truth it is only me who can make the changes I need to make to stay gamble free, I know what I have to do and I just have to do it, simple as that!!
I am 40 in about 2 weeks and I dont want to carry on in the same way as I have for the last 26 years!, it gets exhausting, I am fully responsible for my gambling and it is all my own doing and I have no one else to blame, I know this, I understand this and most importantly I accept this, I will keep fighting this addiction and I will keep trying, I know what grief, stress, hurt and pain gambling not only causes me but also to the ones I love and I will also work hard one day at a time to make amends for the wrong I have done towards people.
In short just for today I am living with the ramifications of the choices I have made, just for today I accept that.
Must get back to work and earn some money, like all compulsive gamblers and I am no different………I know how hard it is to earn money just to live but wouldnt think twice about putting a weeks wages on a bet that would be lost in 60 seconds!!!, what madness, God how does my mind work this way……think a need a complete rewire of the brain.
Take care all, thanks for listening and wish you all well.
Maverick
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I have lost my life savings and have ￡12,000 odd debt to pay back, but I’m in a good place emotionally and mentally. I’m obviously having to make financial sacrifices and I’m now truly understanding the value of money – I think it’s taken losing all of my money for me to learn this lesson sadly.
You are right in what you are saying about putting a weeks wages on one bet and not thinking twice about it – that is the illness, that is why we are compulsive gamblers and can’t gamble. -
Hey everyone!
I am a bed gambler, lost all my money and plus my partners money! Feel very terreble it’s a very big money!
Last time i gambled 10/10/16 feel better a bit not playing!
But still can’t sleep on night, paying off now all my debts, loan sharks and late payments!
Really hard to do that, struggling , but i know it’s goes for better life!
Hope i never gonna gamble again! -
I get paid and on the same day I loose all my wages gambling………that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I go out to go shopping and on the way I stop at a bookies and loose all my money and go home with nothing……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I lie to my wife to obtain money so I can go and gamble……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I have borrowed money from banks, family, friends and loan sharks, lost inheritance money just so I can go and gamble………that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I have risked my job many times and not been as honest as I have should of been also many times……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I popped out once a few years ago to get some medicine for one of my children who was very poorly, I left with over ￡100 in my pocket and the medicine was less than ￡5, on the way I popped in to the bookies and forgot about what I was going out for, lost everything and went home empty handed………….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I was having a romantic dinner with my wife for her birthday and I popped out half way through to place a bet at a bookies just round the corner, not paying her the time or the full attention she so deserved……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I have become a compulsive liar………..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I have had so very many mythical accidents, speeding tickets, parking tickets and parking fines……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
My wife loves and she also hates me……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
My mother and farther love me but also hate me……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
My brother and sister have disowned me……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I have missed birthday gatherings, Christmas gatherings and special occasions……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I have lost more money than anyone could dream off, lost more time than anyone could imagine and felt so lost and hopeless more times than I have had hot dinners………that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I am a very bad person at times……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I hate what I have done, I hate what I have become, I hate the person I show myself to be………..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,
I am hear now trying hard to change, working hard in my life to become the real person I am and the true person I want to be……………..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler.
Maverick
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Gambling has taken my money, my time, my sanity, my wife, my children, my mother, my farther, my brother, my sister, my jobs, my houses, my cars, my self respect, my life and my soul, all because I let it, I had and always had the power to stop it whenever I wanted too but I didn’t………I just went with the flow and kept riding the rollercoaster until it got out of control, the problem with that is……..it never regains control unless you take control.
Maverick
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I have no concept of the importance of money when I gamble, after the event I fully comprehend the massive hole I have just dug and most times a lift couldn’t get me out of them!
Believe it or not I am quite an intelligent man (yeah right) how can I write that after what I have done, well I have an important job, helping and advising a lot of people on many technical issues along with also dealing with hundreds of people face to face on a daily basis helping out with there very many issues………….these people don’t know about my addiction or what I have done……………..it reminds me of a song I used to like (and still do in truth), by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles called The Tracks Of My Tears, I wont paste a link as that’s not me but if you don’t already know it search for it and have a listen, either way its a classic song but I can relate to it.
God why did I ever gamble and place that first bet as a 14 year old boy those many years ago and why on earth did the bloody thing win!!!!!!, I have asked this question myself so very many times and the answer I have come up with is if I hadn’t of made that bet and so very many for the few years after I wouldn’t have had a hiding place through the later parts of my school years and in truth I probably wouldn’t be in the world now……who knows it is what it is.
Maverick
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Dear Maverick
Here are some recovery paradox for your pleasure viewing.
1. die to live.
2. surrender to win.
3. suffer to get well.
4. give to receive.If we are still taking control of everything in life, nothing changes, we are still relying on ourselves when to gamble or not to gamble, we are still depending on our will-power, determination for strength. It is still all about me, I , myself.
Dear Heavenly Father, I pray to you to bless brother Maverick with wisdom and courage to acceptance. Please help him find a Higher Power (can be a God, a recovery program, a group or a person)greater than him that can restore his life back to normal. In Jesus ‘s name I pray, amen.
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Thanks for your post on my thread, Mav.
It’s true , we have no concept of money when we gamble. Its just ammunition to keep the action going.
I think that’s why being “hacked” is so difficult for gamblers.
Even though I know I didn’t do it, it creates the same feeling of violation, emptiness , panic and figure juggling.
I hope you never experience those feelings Maverick.
When we stay away from gambling it takes time for things to “normalise”.
Time heals most hurts. Try not to think back or ask yourself what would or could have happened if you had or hadn’t gambled. It makes no difference now. All we have is today.
Make the best of it, Mav.
I wish you well. -
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Life is so very precious and I have wasted so much of mine, I never seem to listen to my own honest voice, but listen all too much to my corrupt gambling addiction voice, just for today I am at a loss as to what to do, I seem to be so weak and have so little will power over my actions!, I am such a weak man and this gambling life has drained every ounce off goodness out of me.
Just for today I am a beaten man, with no hope and cannot see any light at the end of any tunnel, I feel my life in this world is coming to a end and in truth I honestly don’t feel I have a lot of goodness to offer anyone anymore.
Just for today I have no hope, I have nearly made 40 years old but just fallen shy by two days, life is hard and I cannot control this evil addiction any more, I have fought it for over 25 years and still not been able to remove it from my life………
I honestly……….hand on heart…….just don’t know where to go……..I need help……………….
Thank you all for listening, wish you all the very best in the world in your life and recovery.
Take care, from a true friend
Maverick
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Hi Mav,
you are in a horrible place today , but as you know things quickly improve once we once again stop gambling .It is so hard to stop – and so many people are afflicted with this addiction.
You will find your way again- even if it doesn’t seem like it today .
We all waste time one way or another, but you have achieved a lot – especially your beautiful children who will love you regardless of any mistakes you may make .
Gambling is so horrible – it entices us like crazy and then when we give in our minds become distorted with worry .
Mav enjoy your 40th birthday – start a new decade of your life with a new determination . Make the next decade the best one ever – one which you will look back on with a sense of pride .The pain will ease – we have been here before – things will get better .
The great thing about life is that we can have a new beginning whenever we chose – hope you feel lots better soon . -
Hi Maverick, Life is short. It is never too late to start anew. You are a good man. Gambling doesn’t define who you really are. Have faith in yourself. Sometimes we have to dig deep within ourselves to move forward. I am praying that you can find strength to fight this addiction. Take care and stay strong!
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When we surrender, the fight is over.
You are powerless over this weakness, Maverick, so you are fighting a losing battle. Time to lay down your arms and realise that you will never gain victory over gambling. Gambling has you and me beaten to pulp so why wait in the boxing ring for another “round”?
Take off your boxing gloves , surrender and WALK AWAY.
Easier said than done, I know , but when gambling takes your peace of mind, it’s time up!
You WILL bounce back, Maverick.
Stay close to this site and use all the support available. -
Hi Mav,
The good news is that life doesn’t begin at 40, it doesn’t begin at 30 or 50 either. It begins when we stop gambling.
You need help. Yes, we all do. Where are you going to go to get your help? Gamblers Anonymous? counselling? Residential support?
You don’t know what to do? Well maybe you do mate. Letting your wife have all your money? Getting proper financial advice to handle any debts? Being honest with your wife about all debts? Exclusion from where ever you usually gamble?You can do this Mav. As vera says, stop fighting the gambling, surrender it has you beat. Then you can move on.
Now, here is the tough love bit. You will post thanks for the support, you will wish people well. Blah de blah de blah to be honest Mav. I want to read which of the above things you are going to do?
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Dear Maverick
Happy 40th Birthday Brother!
Like Vera, I envy you. I am 50 years old now. If I had started to do the right thing at age 40 yrs old, so much more can be achieve. I don’t have this chance now.
Brother Maverick, please treasure this chance you have that friends in GT who cares about you don’t have. Don’t waste this chance brother Maverick!
Do the next right thing, one baby step at a time, one day at a time add them all up in 10 years time, it will bring you far far far….. -
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Thanks for all your posts and support it is greatly received.
Charles you are a very good man, I am very happy to know you and your post made me laugh (in a good way), as we both well know if nothing changes then nothing changes right? Well I suppose I was guilty of changing nothing and honestly thought I would be able to beat the addiction with not having every barrier possible in place……and off course I couldn’t.
1. I have changed my bank details at work so all my wages go direct into my wife’s account (I have no access to that what so ever)
2. I have banned from all the remaining places I have kept gambling (new places I found after banning from my original locals), not impossible to find new places but will be a right pain and effort to get to!
3. I have only one bank account and card and my wife will drip feed money into it (from my wages) as and when I need, will provide receipts for every penny spent.
4. I have started to go back to GA meetings although the local meeting I go to I just don’t like and really struggle to interact with the people, I used to drive 1 hour each way to go to a GA meeting that was over 40 miles away once a week because I liked it so much and really found it worked miracles for me (while attending I had nearly 1 year gamble free), I will keep trying, unable to make that meeting anymore due to work and looking after the kids, I know some people will say you made time to gamble so make time to go to a meeting, I have and I do but just cant make the time to spare 3 and half hours on a Monday night anymore, as we all know our circumstances change.Anyway what number are we on………..well blah de blah de blah enough said!
I would like to thank each and everyone of you for your ongoing support and help, your words and meaning mean a great deal to me and I promise myself that just for today I will be the best person I can possibly be, take care and wish each and everyone of you all the very best.
I am old and feel even older but at least I am still in the world and I thank God for that.
At the moment I am trying to manage my financial situation and I have come to the conclusion that if I live and work until 75 years old all will be well!!!!!!!! but you know what a wise man told me many years ago, don’t worry about tomorrow as today has enough trouble of it’s own…………just for today I will concentrate on today.
Maverick
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Good post Mav. A saying that is even olde than YOu is – actions speak louder than words. Well done on the actions that you have taken.
Financially if things will be manageable till you are 75 great, if it means living like a hermit then not so great. Lots of options around these days, maybe speak to the Citizens Advice Bureau or Step change.
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Let it go, Mav. We all know how you feel. From your earlier post it looks like you have been thinking a lot about your finances and not being out of debt till you are 75. For me, thinking about our lack of money is a huge trigger. Thinking about money in general, and especially thinking and worrying we don’t have enough. That is why I try very hard to focus on recovery and to not think about the money or debt part of it. Especially after we have just gambled. Which I know is very difficult to do. I have recently accumulated a gambling debt myself, which I just hate having. It makes me so mad at myself. But there isn’t anything I can do about it today. Eventually, yes, but not today. So, I try to focus on what I can control and do today. In other words, live today the best I can. The important thing is to not continue to gamble. To not make things worse than they already are. You are a smart man, Mav. Giving in to addiction can never work. But, if you stay away from it long enough, solutions will come…ideas will flow. There are ways to earn extra money, ways to improve our lives, and we like everyone else, have the power to do so. But, the truth is, we won’t if we continue to look for the one solution that doesn’t work, and which got us in trouble in the first place.
I know you are hurting, but try to be easy on yourself. Just for today. Then do the same thing tomorrow. Things will get better, Mav. I know they will. -
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Thanks for your posts and support, Vera, Ican and Lizbeth I hope you are all keeping well although I know and read you all have your own troubles.
In truth life is a nightmare at the moment for one reason or another and I cant explain how draining it is, the only consolation is I know it will get better, have to work now so will post more when I get a spare second.
Wish everyone well and hope you all have a good day, just for today I will not gamble.
Maverick
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Lizbeth & Jonny thanks for your posts and hope you are both keeping well.
I sit here now and openly admit I have screwed my life up, I have had chance after chance so many times and every single time I choose to let my addiction win and I fall back into the habit I only know too well.
I am 40 now and feel totally destroyed, totally drained, down and out, I know it is only how I feel at this point in life and I know tomorrow If I do the right things then it will be that little bit better.
God I know I have destroyed my life and I also know it is all my own doing, I hate the life I lead and the life I have created for myself, I am many things to many people but to myself I am a failure, I am not looking for sympathy and I am not looking for advice, I just want to share as free as I can on my thread, honestly and openly, so for that thanks to GT.
I know what I have to do to survive in life but at the moment I am not doing it and I haven’t been doing it for a while, its up to me and only I can change my life, I am on the edge and if I don’t stop soon I will end up 10 foot under, I know that for sure, I love my wife and I also love my children but even still I choose to gamble, I look at my life and think you are a evil, evil man……..but in truth I am not, I have an addiction that I cannot get under control, I have before but it is running me ragged at the moment, believe what you will it is my life………..my life to destroy or my life to live………
Maverick
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Hi Mav was just about to write something similar on my thread perhaps we are walking the same path at the moment, i was going to write i am normal , that there is a million others like me who normally gamble to oblivion so i must be normal or at least normal to them . Your normal to me mav we share the same addiction and that makes me the same as you my friend , all we can do is keep fighting and hoping one day we will overcome this hell.
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It’s your life, Maverick.
As you say , you know what you have to do .
Alas, SOMETHING is still preventing you from doing it .
Until you root out that “something”, the best you can do , is learn to roll with the punches. When the hangover/pain becomes greater than the thrill, then everything will fall into place.
We need to put as much work into recovery as we did into gambling.
Put on a new mindset.
Thanks for posting on my Thread.
2010 was also a G free year for me.
Early in January 2011 I walked through a casino, got the whiff of the machines’ Stuck a few crisp notes in the slot machine and I was off. Got lucky. Shared some with the few desperados who looked on open mouthed.
A few hours later I walked out of that hellhole almost broke.
What is the EARTHLY point in torturing ourselves over and over, I ask? and to be honest, Mav I could repeat that madness next week in the blink of an eye.
Don’t put me on a pedestal . I’m not an inspiration. I’m really not. I’m just a burned out fake CG who gets it right occasionally.
I am TOTALLY powerless over gambling.
My only hope is never to put myself in the firing line again.
You’re a young man, Mav with so much to give and so much to live for. I don’t believe I have another recovery in me, but you have!
I hope and pray you will get through 2017 G free.
I believe you can do it. One day at a time. Never give up!
Keep praying!
God is good! Don’t try to outwit this addiction. As CGs , we haven’t a hope in hell.
CGs NEVER win. -
Hi Maverick
Glad to see you posting again, I read that…
Your love for your wife and children is not powerful enough to stop you from gambling. You know what you need to do but you are not doing it.I hear you but…
Don’t lose your focus, it is time to focus again, you only need to focus on today, only today. You only need to stay gamble free today. It is time to take baby steps, one day at a time.
Regardless how long one has been doing this, we wake up seeing and doing the same thing, we just need to stay gamble free today! Today is the most important day, not yesterday and tomorrow.
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Hi Maverick,
I think I’ve felt what you are explaining a 1000 times. And I feel like it now. Life is hard. Life is a roller coaster. Life can be horrible. Or life can be great. Life is what we make of it. My family survived the holocaust and I often think about it. Some people had everything taken from them, were tortured, and enslaved. They came out of that with nothing. Everything gone. They needed to start over from scratch after that. If they could do that so can we.
We just have to start carving out that new mold of life right now. Lets not get a year older and be talking like this. Lets change now. I scored up everything majorly. I have failed over and over again. But I need to believe in myself or the world won’t. We are what we think we are. Lets first start by not gambling today. Then lets try to change our mindset to be a positive one. See yourself through the eyes of a person that loves you like your wife, kids, or mom. You will see a different person then you see with your eyes. Start to be the best you you can be. You are a good person maverick. You are worth it. Your family is worth it. The world needs you to beat this.
I think now it’s time.
Happy 2017 brother.
Jon
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Hi Maverick,
I think I’ve felt what you are explaining a 1000 times. And I feel like it now. Life is hard. Life is a roller coaster. Life can be horrible. Or life can be great. Life is what we make of it. My family survived the holocaust and I often think about it. Some people had everything taken from them, were tortured, and enslaved. They came out of that with nothing. Everything gone. They needed to start over from scratch after that. If they could do that so can we.
We just have to start carving out that new mold of life right now. Lets not get a year older and be talking like this. Lets change now. I scored up everything majorly. I have failed over and over again. But I need to believe in myself or the world won’t. We are what we think we are. Lets first start by not gambling today. Then lets try to change our mindset to be a positive one. See yourself through the eyes of a person that loves you like your wife, kids, or mom. You will see a different person then you see with your eyes. Start to be the best you you can be. You are a good person maverick. You are worth it. Your family is worth it. The world needs you to beat this.
I think now it’s time.
Happy 2017 brother.
Jon
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Hi Maverick,
I think I’ve felt what you are explaining a 1000 times. And I feel like it now. Life is hard. Life is a roller coaster. Life can be horrible. Or life can be great. Life is what we make of it. My family survived the holocaust and I often think about it. Some people had everything taken from them, were tortured, and enslaved. They came out of that with nothing. Everything gone. They needed to start over from scratch after that. If they could do that so can we.
We just have to start carving out that new mold of life right now. Lets not get a year older and be talking like this. Lets change now. I scored up everything majorly. I have failed over and over again. But I need to believe in myself or the world won’t. We are what we think we are. Lets first start by not gambling today. Then lets try to change our mindset to be a positive one. See yourself through the eyes of a person that loves you like your wife, kids, or mom. You will see a different person then you see with your eyes. Start to be the best you you can be. You are a good person maverick. You are worth it. Your family is worth it. The world needs you to beat this.
I think now it’s time.
Happy 2017 brother.
Jon
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“Tell Your Heart To Beat Again” ~ Danny Gokey
You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to beTell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat againBeginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begunTell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat againLet every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your goodTell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again -
Just for today life is good, no wait a minuite just for today life is great, thats because just for today I am not gambling and in turn the rest of my life just seems to fall into place.
I owe alot of money and in truth I have always owed alot of money, this is purley because I am a compulsive gambler, I have made yet another plan to pay everything back at a managable rate being sure not to over stretch myself and making sure I become tempted to gamble to pay off debts (we all know that never works but its the lie I tell myself to give me the excuse to gamble), I have alot to answer for I really do but in fairness I have always looked after my wife and children and I always will, just like I will always have to fight this addiction, it will always be with me but I know if I can stay gamble free one day at a time then I become ten times the man that I am when gambling.
I except I cannot change what I have done but in all honesty I believe everything happens for a reason and I have learnt alot over the years, about life, about people and about myself, I have always said there are alot of things in this world that I rate above money and in truth money is pretty low on my being important list!, I know we need it to live, rent, mortgage, bills, food but in fairness thats were its importance stops, I have always wanted to get my hands on money just so I can place my next bet, thats it nothing else purley so I can place my next bet!, just for today I dont have any money but just for today I dont need any, I have myself, my piece of mind and my happy state, God thank you for helping me understand this.
I have a very close friend who has just found out he has less than 3 months to live (cancer stage 4), he is a sucsessful business man and has plenty of money, I know for a fact he would give everything he has away just to spend one extra day in this world with the people he knows and loves (who wouldnt) ……………money……….whats it real worth……..”we bring nothing into the world and we take nothing out”
Hope this finds you all well, always keep fighting and never give in, there will be good days and there will be bad, we just have to make the most of whatever each day brings, we cannot change yesterday and we dont know what will happen tomorrow, all we have is today and must live in the now!
Maverick
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Hi Maverick. That you for your recent post on my thread. Your positive words always make my day! Money is money. We need it to survive but a lot of people place too much importance on it! I am sorry to hear about your friend. When my Husband was diagnosed with cancer nothing else mattered but having another day with his family and friends. I hate cancer! Keep being the kind person you are. One day at a time. Take care.
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Thanks for your post Lizbeth, hope you are enjoying the weekend.
Just a quick post to say “just for today I will not gamble” I wont lie I was tempted but I thought it through and I just cannot bring myself to do it anymore, I am sick of destroying my life over and over again, I have a payment plan to settle my debts and I am determined to stick to it, its simple all I have to do is keep working hard and keep making the choice “just for today I will not gamble” and I know for a fact everything else will just fall into place.
Maverick
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I’m so delighted to hear that things are on the up and up , Maverick. Having a payment plan gives us a certain security and also keeps us accountable. I would recommend organising a Savings Plan to run concurrently with debt repayments. Even a very small sum put aside every week, to allow us to see our efforts being rewarded and make us determined not to let our hard earned cash pass into the wrong hands.
It doesn’t take long for us to get into the swing of things once we start Maverick. That goes for good or for evil. Today, I was parting company with my son, having voiced my opinion (AGAIN) about some areas in his life that he needs to look at and in a moment of frustration, I could have easily swung into the car park beside where I dropped him off. Everything seemed to go into a blur for just one moment and a flash of slot machine-escape seemed attractive . A kind driver fortunately beckoned me out on to the main road and I took off with the green arrow which put a fair distance between me and the casino. Things can change in a flash as you well know.
Sorry to hear your close friend has Stage 4 CA. God help him and his family.
We should be counting our blessings as well as our cash, Maverick. No pockets in a shroud! -
Vera thanks for your post, I know what you mean and at any given time it only takes a second to make the wrong choice, it’s strange how life works I have to admit because when I look deep there is (and has always been) another road for me to take apart from the gambling one, I just kept going down the same road over and over again……..guess what I kept getting the same outcome!! (as we both well know)
I just wanted to share this, I woke up this morning (thank God for that) and whilst making the kids breakfast I was thinking about gambling today, I had a restless night and didn’t sleep well at all, so ok I have thought it through and I am going to share the outcome’s.
1. I choose to gamble and lose!
So I (obtain) money and place a bet, it loses so I start chasing obtaining money by any way possible and that means the hole I am in just gets deeper and deeper, hurt more people, keep gambling, cause more pain and suffering not just to me but to others, people I love and care about, more stress, keep on gambling and keep on digging, more importantly what it means is all those doors I have closed (by working my recovery and making the choice not to gamble) will be opened again and in my compulsive gambling mind it’s ok to keep gambling (in my real mind I know it is far from OK to keep gambling), so here is a sum to make it simple for me as at times I am a very intelligent but at other times thick as two short planks (I can say this but no one else lol)
Gamble + lose = lose
2. I choose to gamble and win!
I again (obtain) money by any means in any way shape or form (lies), I place a bet and I win…….great……….no, so I win and I keep gambling because when I gamble that’s what I do I keep gambling I cannot stop gambling when I am gambling, now this is a fact I know this because I have done it for 25 years, I keep winning………….great…………no, because in the end because I cannot stop I keep gambling then either later toady or tomorrow or if I am very lucky I will get to Tuesday and the would have lost everything, then I have to (obtain) money because I have to gamble because all the doors I have shut when I stop gambling I have opened back up by making the choice to gamble, I keep gambling, keep digging a bigger hole, hurt more people, neglect more people and lose the most important thing to me (time with my family), so the sum for this one is,
gamble + win = lose
3. This is my choice, just for today I will not gamble, I am a compulsive gambler and I know I have to stay away from that first bet, I know by staying away from that first bet my life isn’t perfect but it’s where I want it to be!
Don’t gamble + Recovery = Happy life
Thanks for listening and hope you all enjoy the rest of the weekend, wish you all well.
Maverick
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I love this post Mav -it really appeals to the analytical part of my brain . Your thinking is very clear – you know exactly what happens when you gamble .
I especially love your formula for a happy life.I admire how despite the struggle in your brain, you carry on with looking after your kids , fixing them breakfast- it seems to me that the more “normal ” things we do, the more “normal” our view of gambling becomes .
Thank you for your post on my thread – it has really helped me .
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I hope you stayed away from the first bet, Maverick?
WE are powerless over gambling but only when we make that first bet.
In the inactive mode , gambling has no power over us.
Keep Life simple. We create a lot of difficulties by adding stress and conflict to what many other people just laugh off.
Gambling solves none of our stresses. The “fun” has long since gone, therefore it has no place in our lives. -
Wise words Vera my friend, I hope this finds you well, only a very quick post because as always I am in the tom tit yet again (all my own doing and no one else to blame), so working every minuite possible for the forseable to lift me out.
I hate life at times but when I really think about it I should really be sorry very grateful as its a gift………..I just seem to be wasting mine and that is just selfish……message to myself – sort yourself out Lee!
Thanks for listening.
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Lee, I’m so sorry to hear this “demon” still has a grip on you….I don’t believe you hate Life. We all hate what gambling does to our lives, but it will improve if you release yourself from the hold gambling has on you. Yo know what needs to be done. I hope and pray you will find the courage to DO it. ODAAT. I’m going to Barcelona in the early hours so will try to get to bed early tonight. Up at 2 am! Big change for me!
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Hi ya Mav
Like me mate, you’ve never done things by halves.
Hope that you’re starting to embrace recovery again be nice to see an update soon mate, good or bad.
I’m sure you dont need me to tell you about circuses and monkeys.
Get your finger out man.
??
Geordie.
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Vera and Geordie, always great to hear from both of you and thanks for your ongoing support, I will write more when in a better frame of mind.
I am afraid to say I am the main event in the circus at the moment doing all sorts of stuip and silly things, the monkey Geordie! Well at the moment my friend I have a dozen!
Hope you are well mate and keep fighting, Vera look after yourself and speak soon.
Last day gambled 25th March 2017.
Maverick
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At my GA meeting they ask if anyone needs to “re-introduce” themselves. Not sure if its the same everywhere or not. But I think it’s a nice way of asking if anyone needs to share a change to their last day gambled. By being there and re-introducing themselves to the group it is understood that they truly want that to be their “Last day gambled”. I’m glad that we have our peers in this forum to come to for accountability. Thanks for the support. Hope to see a post when you are ready. Take care, Laura
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My name is Lee and I am a compulsive gamble, last day gambled 5th April 2017 (today), I am going to start again and work harder than I have been working at becoming gamble free, I haven’t been doing all I can and that’s just not good enough.
I have been gambling since I was 14 years old and now 40, after 26 years I know what I need to do and I need to do it, I keep walking down the same street and I am sick and tired of seeing the same thing, message to myself “next time take a different road”
All I can do is try again tomorrow.
Maverick
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Hey Lee, time to stop for good brotha. You keep going back. I know that feeling and compulsion. As you’ve said you have gambled for over 25 years. The results are negative. I think that proves it is time to stop. Compare it to anything else. If you rose a bike and it hurt your back. You would stop riding that bike… would you wait 25 years to do it? No, you just would t ride anymore.
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Thanks for the post Johnny and you are so right my friend, hope you are keeping well.
So I am still fighting this addiction and I am positive I will overcome it, my gambling now is limited to betting shops (bookies) a while back I self excluded from many but eventually found 4 more (further to travel) but I did and gamble in them when I slip up, I don’t gamble online at all anymore as have closed and blocked everything that way.
So have been thinking all weekend and my wife has gone away with the children ( half term break) to see her family down south (I have to work), so tonight I finished work and had a plan and real solid plan that I am was so very happy about that even the thought of it made me feel really positive, I went and got 5 passport photos taken (for the bargin cost of ￡5) and headed to the only 4 places I gamble (ok I know I could find places further a field but I am trying to build as many barriers as I possibly can) because this addiction is killing me!
I wont go on but you would not believe me when I say I went into each one (sounds silly but plucking up the courage to do it) and 3 of the shops after talking and asking to self exclude turned me away as informed me they didn’t have the right form!!!!!
What a f***ing joke the 4th one I filled it in handed over a photo and self excluded job done (also the one I self excluded from and filled the form in) because another shop I used was the same chain they excluded me from both so 50% of the job done.
I cannot really believe the other shops as I have since come home and logged on to my computer and within 10 mins I have found self exclusion forms for those shops online and downloaded them ready to print (I don’t have a working printer but by God I will find one by tomorrow)
Just wanted to share because I know I am a compulsive gambler and also a totally arsehole but this is what we are up against when trying to help ourselves, I honestly believe those shops had the forms but just didn’t want to help me help myself – disgrace.
Rant over – just for today I didn’t gamble but went into four betting shops for the right reason.
Maverick
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I hear you on the concealment of “self exclusion” forms, Maverick. The Fatcats don’t want to lose customers. Where I live they allow you to “ban yourself” but supply no documentation. Only laughed when I requested it. Yet, one night when a client got stroppy due to his huge loss, the police were quickly called and he was banned. One way to be sure of getting a written declaration that you are “persona non grata”.
Anyway, as you know there will always be an excuse/reason for a CG to gamble and to extend our territory unless we do a strict MENTAL ban..
“Just because the circus has left town it doesn’t mean the monkey has jumped off your shoulder”, so we need to take on a different mindset
“Not MY circus; not MY monkey” and get on with recovery.
Glad to hear you are taking action, Mav.
BRILLIANT!!!
Always in my thoughts and prayers! -
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I’m sure at times obstructions are sent our way. On a bad day we can use them obstructions as an excuse for gambling. On a good day they can make us more determined to overcome. Getting 50% done is a good day.
You must know you’re going the the right way, keep it up mate.
Geordie.
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I would like to share and in advance thank you for listening.
I have been gambling for around 25 years (now 40 years old), I never admitted I had a problem until I was around 35 years old (ish) and that’s when I decided I had enough and really wanted to stop gambling. I went to GA meetings and made some really good friends and over the first year or two things were getting better, I didn’t slip very much and had some good recovery time and really worked hard at trying to fix the “bad parts” of me, I was working really hard in my job, attending a couple of GA meets a week and on the other evenings would just sit on my computer attending online recovery groups and sharing on forums until the early hours, I started to grow further apart from my wife and kids, she even said I had replaced one addiction with another, I don’t know and I know I only have myself to blame for all this mess but I just couldn’t get a happy medium and find that right balance.
I eased off the internet a little and dropped down to one meeting a week but it just wasn’t enough for me, I am a compulsive gambler and I cant explain how badly addicted I am, gambling has and still is ruining my life (because I let it), I do want to stop I know that because I try and before I didn’t care and didn’t want to stop, I have been there and therefore know the difference.
I work a full time job and always have (like many of us I am sure), I always look after my family and although I mess up many times I work bloody hard each time putting it right and sorting everything out, I know when I gamble I am a bad man and I see that, the other day when I gambled the regular cashier (a women in her 60s a very nice lady who is always very pleasant) said to me after I had a heavy loss “you are a lovley man I have seen over the years, why do you do this to yourself), I just answered “I don’t know” “I am a compulsive gambler” and left.
Gambling has taken a lot of money from me but even more it has taken a lot of time, I cant say I will never gamble again because I cant seem to get back to where I was around 5 years ago, I was in a zone, a happy place, not gambling but spending every free hour on recovery, I need to get back to spending every other free hour on recovery and the remaining other free hour on my family, I cant stop this addiction and need to spend time on containing it but in doing so I must find that balance.
I still owe loan sharks a lot of money (only because of my gambling) and I know it is my fault and I am weak but they make it too easy for me to lend the money, I will be honest on here and the only reason I share this is because I hope and pray it stops and stronger person than me to not get any deeper than we are as it never gets better if we keep on gambling, so I owe the sharks a lot of money and I am struggling to pay it all back (but was just about managing) haven’t told my wife and I cant not because I am hiding it for my benefit but for hers as she would worry herself to death, so last night I made a payment and all was ok until they told me my balance lets just say the rates are not like the bank of England, I just wanted to clear it all off and not owe them a penny (wish I had never borrowed it in the first place) anyway we were talking and cutting a long story short I borrowed some more and put it all on Barcelona to beat Juventus last night to get myself shot off them, well after the result there is no getting shot of them and in truth only probably going to get shot, sorry poor joke I know but this is how my sick evil compulsive gambling mind works, last night after the chain of events I was nearly suicidal and really didn’t want to face anything at all, had a really bad nights sleep and total depressed, I could have borrowed more again today (as had the option), I didn’t and have worked a payment plan out over the next 6 months, I can sort it and I can do it, just one simple thing I need to do (DONT GAMBLE – DONT PLACE THAT NEXT BET)!
I am holding onto life by the skin of my teeth and really fighting hard to stay in this world, I don’t share this for pity, I know I have brought all this (everything) on all by myself and I am the only person to blame, I except that and take all responsibility, I share this in the hope that it may possibly help just one person in the world and if it does then I am so happy I have taken the time to share.
Thank you for listening and letting me share, just for today I didn’t gamble because if I had it would have killed me.
Finding Laura and Micky as always thank you for your kind posts, your ongoing help and support is always greatly received and thank you for being such good friends, I wish you both well and hope life is treating you fair.
My wife has just called through the kitchen saying we have ran out of milk when just trying to poor milk for the kids and give them a couple of biscuits as we do every night, I am just going to pop to the shops and get some (with money out of her purse that she has given me as I haven’t got a copper coin) I promise you when I don’t gamble I am not a bad man!
Maverick
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Bloody hell mate. Mav I have a genuine empathy with you here, and as much as I know that it dosn’t really help you to know this, I just wanted to reinforce to you that you are not uniquely f’ckd up.
Nine years ago when I was a taxi driver I was into 3 loan sharks for a grand each. Each one charging ￡500. Paying them all back ￡100 a week. I would borrow off one to pay the other and that sort of thing. Eventually I became unstuck, I panicked I stole a huge amount of cash from a good mate. (He’d just sold two motorbikes and had cash in the house when I went to call). Once I’d done that in like a man possessed I seriously thought I’d do myself in, in my warped head I told myself if I were going to kill myself I might aswell rob a bank or a post office, because if I got away with it it could “solve all my problems.” Delusional to say the least. But I also thought that if (not when) I got caught than I’d do myself in or end up doing a life sentence, either way I was convinced I’d sunk as low as it was possible to go. WRONG. I thought it was absolutely game over. I went on to commit a very serious crime which seen me back in the clink for 18 months, my first sentence in 17 years. To stop gambling then was not an option I considered, after all I was in too deep I could only see gambling as my salvation. What a deluded tit!! The situation you describe takes me right back there mate.
One very valuable thing I’ve learnt is that we do learn from our own mistakes, not other peoples. You have to learn from this mate.
You were very very instrumental in my recovery many years ago, not long after I came out of GH and I went on a downward spiral. You know man lots of people will “feel” for you lots of people will feel sorry for you, it dosnt really help too much at the time. ( A bit like this post I’m writing, probably). But occasionally something will penetrate the thick stubborn selfish head of us CG’s and gt us to really think, and give us just the faintest spark of hope or belief in ourselves.
Mav you can do this, but to be honest man you are treading in dangerous waters, or very thin ice. I know better than most how these loan sharks work mate, its not often that they do do people in, they thrive and flourish because of the intimidation they can dole out, they are parasites. Nevertheless you taken their money on their terms you cant avoid it. Whats worse you have to live a lie to your family for at least 6 months (bet this post is really cheering you up btw!).
Bite the bullet mate and discuss this with your wife man, or if not your wife get back to GA.
I understand your wife when she “moaned” about you putting all your spare time into recovery, I really do, but I’m sure she’d have preferred that to your current lot.
The purpose of this post Mav is to reinforce to you that as f’ked as you are, as bad as you feel, things can and will get better. It’s great that you can share here mate, but I cant emphasise enough to you how beneficial it will be to actually talk about your situation.
I know its easy to say “tell your wife” I know that its not an easy thing to do, so if you cant bring yourself to please get on the phone to gamcare or gt even the samaritans. I found out many years too late, that talking can be a catalyst to a great recovery mate.
Life is too short to waste anymore of it gambling.
I’m not a regular poster here anymore mate, but many are. Keep using this site but ffs get yourself some real time support. Not tomorrow or next week, do it now man for your own good.
I know the sickening feeling you felt waiting for the wife to get money from her purse so you could get the milk. Man you’re gonna be in the same boat for months, do you honestly think you’ll be able to keep this a secret for that long. I doubt it man.
I dont know if your wife has had support for herself over the years maybe she doesn’t realise that she needs it maybe you could leave the F+F forum open on your pc so she sees it, she might take a read??
There is light at the end of the tunnel, cant wait til you see it again Mav.
Take care man.
Geordie.
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Geordie thank you for sharing that, you are a very good man and have come along way, you should be proud of yourself my friend, thanks again for posting and sharing, it’s amazing what we go through in life and the scary part is not who really knows us!
Always wish you well Geordie and always will, look after yourself and deep down I know we will both be alright, just have to keep fighting.
Maverick
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Of course we will mate. Dont let the gambling defeat you mate stand tall.
I’m going to GH outreach meeting today, not because I think I particularly need to but because it does no ho harm to be reminded of how far I’ve come, and what lies behind is only 1 bet away, as your current situation demonstrates.
Mate how ever deep the shite you’re in it is not beyond you to pull yourself up maybe, just maybe this could be the start of a great life for you. I know it dosn’t feel like it at the minute, but you know how quickly you can start to feel a bit positive about things. It is a lot harder to get complacent after putting yourself in that much bother mate, but not impossible.
I’ll not mention the monkey from the circus!
Just for today mate..keep it up..and if its a long time before I post again rest assured I’ll be reading I like to follow a good success story.
All the best, howay the lads.
Geordie.
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Hi Maverick
I have just caught up with your posts again and I was struck by Geordie’s reference to your wife knowing about the F&F section of this site.
Your wife has stuck with you through thick and thin but learning to support a CG who is working on living a gamble-free life is not the same as living with an active CG. F&F need to learn to support in the right way; to withhold enablement; to listen and not always be trying to save.
CGs need to be selfish during an early recovery and F&F need to be selfish too but in a different way. You feel you need to attend more groups but your wife doesn’t understand why – if she was doing things for herself that pleased her at the same time that you were attending groups – but more importantly if she understood why she had to do so, she could be your greatest support.
F&F are ignorant of what to do for the best Maverick – nobody signs up to be a CG or to live with a CG and the rules of engagement are confusing – and we all get it wrong. Just as I know now I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for 25 years, I know now I get it right for the right reasons, even if it means my listening ears are more effective than my ‘well-meaning’ talking.
You can do it Maverick – you have many years ahead of you – make them wonderful years for you and your family.
Velvet -
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Geordie, Vera, Velvet and Micky thank you all for taking the time to read and post on my thread, all posts and feedback I get is always gratefully received.
Today is day 7 gamble free, I am trying to refocus on everything and also take it back yo basics, have been trying to talk and share with my wife and although she knows I have a problem her opinion at this time is “its my problem and I need to sort it” and I accept that because its right but just wanted her to know about the support that is available for her also, anyway will keep trying.
I owe a small fortune (again) to people you dont want to be oweing and it has been playing on my mind daily and nightly also causing me sleepless nights but I am afraid I only have myself to blame so I just need to live with it and sort it asap, I have a few jobs on the side this week so been working flat out at work and then been trying to squeeze a few other things in between, God only knows the places gambling takes us and the lengths it makes us go, the only way I can really explain it is like being possesed! As I wouldnt have done 99% of the stuff I did when I gambled.
Have to stop as in my works car park and have to start at 8am, just wanted to say thank you to the gambling therapy community and wish you all well, take care and hope you all can have a good day.
Maverick
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My life is like a nightmare at times but in truth most of it all my own doing, I don’t like a lot of me but I do like a little, I know for sure I am a work in progress that in all honesty will never be complete. No gambling to report and I am just plodding steadily on in life, just for today life is challenging but just for today I didn’t gamble.
Hope this finds you all well and as always my very best to you all.
Maverick
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It’s a long road Mav, keep on trucking.
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Hi Maverick
I’m glad you like yourself a little bit because it gives you something to build on. Maybe your new mantra should be – just for today I will not gamble and just for today i will like myself a little more – the two things go hand in hand methinks.
Recognising that you are a work in progress is important – all seeds take time to grow and blossom but what joy they bring when they do,
You can do it Maverick – I wouldn’t bother to write another word on this site if I didn’t know it and hadn’t seen it.
Velvet -
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Velvet thanks for taking the time to post, your kind words and support and happily received and always bring a smile to my face and hope yo my heart, I dont know you but I feel like I do (not sure if that makes any sense but it does to me), hope you and your family are keeping well and wish you all my very best.
Vera my friend you are a good un, and you are so very right I can end this nightmare today but for some reason I get a different one tomorrow, hey I am a big boy and I will find the answer……time is a healer and just for today I have the time, hope this finds you well Vera and be sure to look after yourself, take care and speak soon.
Maverick
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Who wrote this? Time to stop!
I just want to say I am many many bad things and I put my hands up and admit to that but I love my wife and kids with all my heart………..when they get home from school my boy will have his football cards and my little girl will have her puddsy badge and light up ears!!!!
Just for today my name is Maverick and I am a compulsive gambler, last day gambled 4th November 2016, I hate what I have become and it needs to end……….I cant live with this addiction anymore and I have to work even harder this time to stop this madness, I dont have the energy anymore to keep doing what I am doing, God help me my friend as I know you do!!!!!
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I didn’t see any post from you during the month of June, Maverick.
Heading into the 2nd week of July soon.
Are the kids on school holidays yet?
I hope you are making the best of whatever life throws up to you. One day at a time Mav. Nothing is ever perfect, but gambling solves nothing. You know that! -
Micky, Jonny and Vera my good friend thank you for thinking off me, your posts are always very welcome and also greatly received.
Well here we go I am going to be brutally honest………………….
I feel s*it, life seems really s*it, I cant get into a good mind set!, my mind is all over the place, my feelings are all over the place, I am quickly growing apart from my wife………just as quickly seem to be growing apart from my kids, work is a nightmare and getting such a hard time at them moment from other work colleges and from managers for not meeting target, I work there to pay the bills but not happy with the quality of work people are churning out and also worried it could be life threatening to someone in one way shape or form…………………..I am in a totally mess mentally and really honestly don’t know what to do or which way to turn, believe it or not Vera this is my 42nd day gamble free and didn’t gamble in the month of June…..last bet 28th May 2017, haven’t managed 42 days for years…….but all is not well……..I don’t really know…..I am 40 so perhaps going through some midlife crisis!!! just don’t feel good about anything in life, everything at the moment just seems to be “rock bottom” how is that?
Anyway that’s enough from me for one day, really hope you are keeping well Vera and hope all your family are good, you are a lovely women with a very big and kind heart….never forget that my friend, also be sure to take care of yourself you deserve looking after!
Wish you all well and catch you soon…………
Maverick
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Hi Maverick
Supportive posts are welcome anywhere and none of us knows when perhaps something we say rings a bell that brings about a little change in someone else’s life. Thank you for your words in F&F.
Far too many people are unhappy with the job they have and work to just pay the bills but that is only part of a life – unfortunately the unhappiness can spill over and make the non-work part feel not so good.
You seem to be visualising the whole picture as a big mess with no answers. When life gets like that Lee it is best just to take one small part, work on that and hopefully get it right. Achieving something, however small is good for the soul. I suggest you give your wife some of your time and make it good, not just for her but for you too. Perhaps sit her down and make her a cup of tea and just talk about anything but work or gambling. Remember why you fell for her in the first place because that girl is still there.
42 days gamble-free is certainly not part a mid-life crisis, it is you doing something different and although it isn’t easy, you are achieving something special. Being 40 is great (I wish I was) – you have so much life ahead of you and enough experience behind you to make a real success of the things that matter to you. ‘You’ matter Lee and your wife and children.
Keep posting, you might be feeling muddled but taking one small step at a time will help to ease the muddle. Your message in F&F wasn’t muddled – it was loud and clear, thankyou.
Velvet -
Thank you for your post!
I’m sure he loves me too!!!
When hes had a few too many he has always liked to gamble.
I used to like it when he had a few too many cause I knew we would gamble together, and lose!!! Not a great drive home I can tell you right now!!!
My exclusion is a blessing.
We woke up Sunday morning and went shopping. It was a great morning!
I said to him in the car, aren’t you glad we didn’t gamble? We wouldn’t be shopping that’s for sure?
He said, that exclusion thing you’ve got is brilliant. We would have been broke this morning, and instead we are shopping it up!!! (mind you, most of it was for him lol!!!)
It was a good day.
Glad to read you are gamble free, we are all a work in progress Mav, plodding is a good thing!!!!
Take care,
Love K xxxxx -
Velvet thankyou for taking the time to post to me, alot of what you said made sense and I will take it onboard but also act on it, I do need to start with my wife and start to rebuild our relationship………its not in tatters just a little something missing, anyway thanks for your help and always good to see you around, keep doing what you do…….you help more people than you will ever know!
Kathryn……thanks for your post it was really nice to read about your shopping trip the morning after……amazing isnt it the smallest things like that you really enjoy we would never do while activley gambling……either because we didnt have the money or because we had the money but just wanted to go and gamble, Kathryn I am very happy for you and glad life is good, now hold on to it and enjoy.
Take care both and look after yourselves, thanks very much for thinking of me it means alot.
Maverick
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I owe you a big apology,
I didn’t realise there was a 2nd page to your thread.
Here I was thinking all was well (of sorts), and there I was sprouting about bloody shopping of all things!!!!!
I’m sorry you are feeling so crappy!!!!!
I’m not sure if you are mid life crissising, just going through a bad patch, or clinically depressed. (or none of those!!)
Have you thought about talking to a professional? Someone who can see things from a different perspective, not to mention you being able to get all these feelings out?
You sound to me like a coke bottle that has been shaken and shaken and is ready to explode!!!!!!!
What can you change right now that could ease some pressure?
Do you and your wife talk? Really talk? Maybe she is feeling your tension and is backing away? (I’m just throwing ideas out here)
Kids, well I’m not sure how old they are but I know mine. I hardly see them these days. My rule is that we eat dinner (tea) together every night we can. They are 18 and 13 yo boys, which I find harder because I have absolutely no idea what is going on in their heads!!! That’s just growing up I guess, they find a bit of independence and don’t need us old parents so much anymore!!!
I have had these moments with my husband, to be honest, I have had moments of pure hate for not a lot of reasons. Hormonal? Maybe! We don’t speak for days on end, or if we do its very minimal. It always passes.
I’m not sure I have met anyone who truly loves their job. Lets face it, would anyone work if we didn’t need to pay the bills? I know my answer!!!!
I lost myself when I gambled. It took a long long time to find me again, I didn’t like myself at first, I couldn’t remember who I was before the addiction. When I stopped I felt like a part of me had died. In time, the addiction has become a small part of who I am. You’ve stopped for over 42 days Mav, and you said it yourself, you haven’t done that for years. I know things aren’t sitting right with you right now. Just be a bit patient, let this wave pass and see how you come out the other side. You never know, it could be amazing.
Sorry for the rant, but I felt sooo bad when I read your last post!!!!!
At least you don’t have the gambling noose around your neck right now. Just imagine how you would feel going through all this and actively gambling…….that is horror on a plate my friend.
Hope you feel better soon,
Love K xxxxx -
Kathryn my friend please dont worry and no need to be sorry, easy mistake to make I have done it many times myself lol, thanks for you posts they are a great help and food for thought, I will read over again and come up with a plan, I will be fine I know that just going through a rough patch, you take care and thanks again for thinking of me and posting it means alot to me.
Hope this finds u well and take care……44 days gamble free.
Maverick
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I’m so sorry you are stuck in this rut…..
I know you will work your way out of it, its damn hard to do though, maybe start with something small, do something nice for your wife and kids, not only will they love it, but you will feel better about yourself too!!!!! It doesn’t have to cost very much, a picnic in the park (its summer there is it not?)
Maybe some fresh air will do you all some good?
Then a movie night with fish and chips. Family day.
49 days gamble free.
I remember thinking my life would be all roses if stopped gambling. Now I know……its definitely not, but its a hell of a lot easier to deal with without that gambling monster on my shoulder.
Chin up my friend, deep breaths and small steps.
Love K xxxx -
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Kathryn and Jonny,
Thanks for your posts they mean a great deal to me so thankyou.
Tricky to explain Jonny and in truth deep down I know I am a good farther and also husband……..I just know I could be a better one,……….anyway that’s a share for another day……..
Just wanted to post 54 days gamble free……….haven’t said for over 2-3 years, just trying to work on myself, still not in a good place mentally and as the song goes “moneys to tight to mention” and I definitely couldn’t get an overdraft extension!!!!!
Take care all and wish you well, speak soon.
Maverick
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Mav
To be honest I havnt kept up to date with all the threads that I usually do. Mate am so happy you are starting to get your self together man. I would think it still dosn’t feel that great but hey ho and on you go man. You must feel a hell of a lot better than you did 54 days ago, like gambling recovery is progressive mate.
You know as well as anybody how it works, really pleased I had a quick look mate.
To quote Nan Taylor (Catherine Tate’s Granny),
“Gambling!! What a load of old shit”
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Just wanted to say a quick Gday!!!!
The last week for me has been a bit crazy, finally sitting down to a hot coffee and some me time on the computer.
Money WILL get better. Woudnt life be amazing without it, although we would be trading in coconuts or something so I guess nothing would really change!!!!
If I am ever round your way…..the pint is on me!!!!!
Take care, love K xxx -
Addiction is CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS.
We were burnt so badly so many times when we hold on to a burning hot iron. We have learnt our lesson but the addiction inside us still want to hold the burning hot iron again.
Our head keep telling us that this time will be different, we will be careful next time but we still get burn again.
If this is not CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS, I don’t know what to call it. I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result.
Addicts have (ISM) Incredible Short Memory. I Sell Myself. I Sabotage myself. -
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Hoping you’re still on the right path Maverick, pint sounds good, probably have to be semi-skimmed though on account of my waistline!
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Kathryn if you were around it wouldn’t be you treating me to a pint I would get us in a case of champagne, anyway thanks for posting and hope you are keeping well my friend.
Geordie semi skimmed is fine buddy but after a while it goes off, hope you are keeping well mate and always good to see you around.
Kin thanks for always posting and your words of wisdom, hope u r well and life is treating you fair.
Just for today my life is bloody hard work, but I am living, I am surviving and I am standing firm, 69 days gamble free and I haven’t said that for a few years, I am lacking the back up and I am lacking the whole package but I am trying to work on that and trying really hard…….I cant go back to gambling I just cant if I do I know this time it will kill me……….silly statement to make but I just know it will.
Take care and wish you all well, keep fighting, stay strong and never give in.
Maverick
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Seventy days now Mav, since we have turned midnight.
I often think my life is worse since I stopped gambling, but I guess we see the flaws more clearly when we take off the gambling blinkers.
Gambling masks reality.
Reality can be painful without the crutch.
Keep going Maverick.
Gambling makes every thing worse.
We all know that so why repeat the same madness. We get enough knocks without inviting more.
Keep it simple. -
Lizbeth & Vera thankyou very much for you posts, always love seeing both of you around and hope you are both keeping well?
So today is 74 days gamble free and I will not lie for the first time in a long time today I really wanted to gamble, I have a lot of family stress and the moment, not feeling very well and also a lot of issues and stress at work, so in truth I know deep down why I want to gamble, anyway it is what it is!
Take care and wish you all well
Maverick
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Maverick, Thank you so much for your supportive post! I know my Husband is looking over me. I have felt his presence many times. I am grateful for that. Just sad that he isn’t here. Keep going on your gamble free time. Neither one of us can afford to let gambling rob us of a great life!! I am blessed to know people like you that I can share with and not be judged That’s how friends treat friends. Take care!
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Ok all so here it is and I am sure I have said this before but whatever its the situation I found myself in………………
Early this morning we left for our family holiday, drove down south, caught the ferry and here we are, anyway I let the Mrs do a few things in peace and had the kids along the way they wanted to go into the pier and also play the 2 pence machines (as they always like to do when we go on holiday) in fairness this has never been down to me or not my scene, so to start with I say no we are not going on them I dont want to be around any sort of temptation because I believe sorry I know one silly bet of these things will make my gambling mind think thats it I have had one bet now lets just let the floodgates open and do the lot!!!!!!!!, then I thought I should let my problem spoil a little bit of fun for the kids but then is this how it all starts and am I encouraging my children to gamble and that they think its ok to do this!!!!! So many thoughts racing around my head……..I always tell them gambling is very bad and you would always lose money if you do it………they are only 10 and 7 and probably look at me all strange when I am so anti gambling for them, anyway I gave them 1 pound each in 2 pences they played the 2 pence machine and 15 mins later we were on our way (i didnt gamble a penny) and as is always the case we walked out that place 2 pound down, anyway back to the holiday………food for thought!!!!!
Take care all and wish you well, 76 days gamble free!
Maverick
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How are you mate?
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Geordie my friend thankyou for thinking off me, just for today life is shit in every way shape and form, my mother and farther are really struggling and dont have long left in this world, my Mrs hates me although I have looked after her for over 20, my children dont really know who I am and in truth I am about ready to depart from this world myself, work is a nightmare and struggling to keep my job, I always look on the bright side of life Geordie I promise you I do my friend but at the moment I am in a right old mess and all the walls are closing in…….I have never ever felt like this before and dont really know what way to turn………..this time I really am at a cross roads and I hate to say it but I am between life and the afterlife, just for today I dont want anyones pity, judgement or advice I just wanted to share so thank you very much for listening.
Life…….what is it all about………..do we live to work or do we work to live……….read that sentence all and please understand it………just for today I hate myself, hate my life and hate what I have become……..I am a 40 year old man struggling to live and support my wife and kids with my work giving me a hard time because they know they can!!!!!!
Is this life for me anymore I dont think so……..had enough and hope for something better………..my best to you all!!!!
Maverick
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Not giving advice just want to say hello to you
Ive been here since 2009 I’ve hung on in the darkest of times, I just want to say i understand. Ive relapsed more times than i can say, i just keep getting back up. Things seemed impossible for me but there was eventually a breakthrough.. please hang in there. Go see your doc Mav, call the samavratins talk to people.. can you get on chat here maybe? sometimes its really good to vent and get it all of your chest.
Please dont give up, trying not to give advice but off i go blah blah blah sorry Mav.. can’t not say anything to your last postP
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Sending some support your way, whatever you need my friend!
I understand the live to work work to live statement, my doctors at work, they live to work, all consuming, all the time, and a lot of them expect us nurses to live by the same mantra. Me, I work to live! They make so much money, more money in a month than I make in a year….but…. I would not, for one second, want it if it meant I had to work like they do. Life is for living, work just makes us able to pay the bills and live the life we choose, whatever that is.
I’m sorry about your parents, it’s just bloody awful isn’t it. My mum, her mind is just about gone, her body is holding up pretty well but what good is an empty shell? What quality of life? It’s cruel, getting old. In saying that, I am grateful to have my old, beautiful mother to talk to, to touch, to cuddle. She doesn’t know me, but I know her and that’s what matters. Anyway, what started as me sending you a bit of love turned into a bit of a messy post!
So I’ll finish with…..my friend, this too shall pass.
Love K xxx -
Thankyou to each and everyone of you who have posted on my thread, Geordie, Vera, P, Micky, Kathryn you are all lovley people and I am so very happy to know you.
Just for today my life isnt very good but you know what I dont want anyone to feel bad for me as its all my own doing, I will change I know I will but I need to kick my own arse big time.
Take care all and wish you well, last day gambled 24th September 2017………do I hate myself? Yes, Am I a compulsive gambler? Yes, does that stop me loving people? No, does it make life unmanagable? Yes, do people hate me because I gamble? Yes, should they? Yes, am I a bad person? No, do I have a kind heart? Yes (I promise I do), am I judged because I am a compulsive gambler? Off course I am……..
Take care and wish you all well.
Just for today life is shit……but God I am so very happy to be alive and God thankyou for always looking after me and in truth everyone……….I woke up this morning and no mater what troubles I have in life I know I am very lucky to be alive and have another day in this world.
Maverick
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I read your post on Lizbeths thread, what beautiful kind words. I feel you need to hear those words yourself.
I know you are going through a rough time. Life is rough. No two ways about it. Gambling multiplys it by a million.
I know you’re a good person, You can’t control how others think, or judge for that matter. This I have learnt!!! The beauty of getting older is that you seem to care less and less what others think and I really love that!
Man, I just wanted to give you some support, don’t be too hard on yourself, us CG’s are our own worst enemy!
Take care friend, love K xxx -
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Maverick, Your kindness and support especially recently helped me get through a rough time in my life. I took your advice and went outside and spent time with nature. The fresh air and beautiful surroundings helped change my mood. You are a good and caring person. Don’t ever forget that! Take care friend.
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Hi there,hope you are well!
And your family too.
So glad to see your still trying,never stop.
I dont get to talk to you much,kinda opted out of the word recovery.
Places to much hope for me that word,
so i choose to just say im just living or taking it one day at a time.
The good and the bad.
I just had 45 days clean ,then kaboom .
went to a few meetings,but as always ,that perhaps is not the answer for me.
The healing for me comes from within first.
Good to see you posting,and think of you often,
Love the honesty in your shares.
Helps many and helps you too.
Be good my friend k
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Delighted to read you are keeping well and sticking on the recovery road . Mav It is refreshing to Read that you are a work in progress – many of us forget to work on our character faults when we find recovery – in fact being on this site for eight years on and off I never knew that was part of the Ga philosophy until I attended my first meeting a few weeks ago.
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Hi Mav – You asked yourself a lot of questions a few weeks ago when you wrote last. Am I loved, do I love, am I liked, do I like, etc… WHAT ABOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS. Are you strong? Do you have control over your actions? Do you have control over yourself?
Thoughts? Are you still gambling?
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How’s it hanging?
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Thankyou everyone for taking the time to post and respond it means alot to me.
We are all the same my friends………although very different…….
I am not getting involved in what has gone on recently but all I will say is life is way too short……..I seem to be losing friends and relatives on a weekly basis and I am only 40………
A very wise person once said to me take what you need and leave the rest…………..never a truer word spoken…….
As always I wish each and everyone of you all the very best, we cannot change what we have done but tomorrow is another day.
Take care and my love to all.
Maverick
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Lovely to see your post Maverick. You know where to come when times are low. I’ve lost special people in my life over the past couple years. It shouldn’t have been there time to go. Loss of our loved ones is difficult to bear ?? I’m sorry for your losses. The ones that *****. I hope the dark days pass quickly. Take care Mav,
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Dear Maverick,
In life, many things is uncertain and unpredictable. Like a ship sailing in the sea, sometime it goes a little off course due to strong winds or currents, this is like the living problems we face everyday, it can sometime throw us off our balance, it is perfectly ok to drift from time to time.
It is not the end of the world, but what is more important is the awareness and the ability to recognize and “catch oneself” before it is too late, the willingness to change, refocus and continue to head in the right direction. -
Lizbeth and Kin thankyou both for your posts and kind words, I really hope you are both keeping well.
Kin my friend, you are so very right and I love the way you speak and share it reminds me of me when I am having a good day!
We are all but figures on the chess board of life my friend, maybe I am a pawn who can be thrown away with not a second thought and then again maybe I am the king who without me the game would be lost………however for me every single piece is just important because without the pawn the game could not be won!
Putting it simple for those of you who have to question other peoples words and phrases……..we are all the same and none of us any more important than the next……….wish you well Kin and I love your shares and speach.
Take care all and wish you all well in recovery…………its been a long time since I last gambled although been very tempted many times.
Maverick
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Hi Mav
I have been on here a long time and changed my name often to try motivate myself to do better – I started off many years ago as Sad and I remember you posting for a long time .
I find it so motivating to hear of People who are living recovery – maybe one day something will finally click in my thick head .
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I did it, great to see you my friend and thanks for taking the time to post to me, hope you are keeping well and hope life is being fair to you, me and you both with the head click thing lol, all we can do is try our best and with that i did it we must be happy, life is far from easy but hey we have to get through it my friend……….you have heard it from me before and I will say it once again…..it has helped me many times in life and more than I can tell you……..”what other people think about me is their problem not mine”…..keep plodding on in recovery my friend there is no other way, wish you well and take care.
Maverick
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Gemen and Laura, thankyou both for taking the time to post on my thread, I hope you are both keeping well.
Gemen I am really glad you found this site and also found recovery, this addiction takes everything and then some as I am sure you already know, I have struggled for years but the difference being for around the last 7 years I have wanted to stop and that is the only thing that has kept my wife and children around me and probably also alive!
Before I didnt want to stop and didnt care who I hurt but now I do, dont get me wrong I have messed up and gambled many times over the last 7 years however I still consider myself in recovery because when my addiction isnt in control and I am of sane mind I want to be in recovery and not gambling, speaking now on my lunch break from work, I am off sane mind, sober, taking no drugs and fully aware of who I am and I can say with hand on heart I dont wont to gamble and I want to be in recovery always and forever because that is when I am most happy.
I cannot lie to you I am one of those people who cannot say I have placed my last bet and I wil never gamble again but what I do know is “just for today” I will not gamble and with that I am happy.
Again another silly thing for me to say and I am sure it is obvious………but my happiest days in my life have been when I have not gambled, I have a massive ego I am sure and I look at myself often picking faults with myself and looking at ways I can improve myself only to forget about those faults the next day and do exactly the same………………life hey Gemen……whats it all about my friend……….wish you well and be sure to look after your wife and child……….they are priceless!
My best to you all and hope this finds you well.
Maverick
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Great post Maverick! We can fit recovery into our life where every possible. Lunch break at work. For many it was a time to gamble. I used to like to leave at lunch, taking leave time to sneak off for an afternoon. Waste of time I could have been saving to do better things. It makes me happy to hear you mention your family. Shows what is truly important. Have a great gamble free day Mav!
Laura -
I’m on a bit of a posting roll.
Saw on another post you’re not in a great place at the moment, and I’m sorry for that.
I just wanted to drop you a line to say I think of you often, In my work I do a lot of standing around, it’s amazing what one can think about…..although lately I’m either walking through Central Park or over the Brooklyn bridge!!!
Take care, love K xxx -
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Just popping in to say hi too.. i wish all good things for you at this time. The good thing is to see a post from you again. I sometimes dont post for periods either. Its always good to see a familiar face, well cant say face, but friend, come back and say hi , i always wonder if everyone is ok yet i do it myself.. lol..
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I wasnt going to share tonight but hey here I am, so I have been working like a dog and trying to earn extra money for christmas, been feeling tom tit as have the flu, works been manic and havent been seeing much of the family its just been a full session of work….eat….and sleep……but thats ok because I have a goal……..a wonderful christmas for my wife and kids…….I have let them down so many times before……caused them stress grief and suffering but no more everything is good everything is changing…….life is hard but it is managable.
Its going to be a wonderful christmas with family,love, presents, food and everything all the past christmas didnt have…….
No its not because today I gambled, just for today I lost the plot, dropped everything I had, leant money from people you just dont lend off…….dropped all that and have just placed myself in a big hole, I dont really know or understand what is wrong with me if I am to be honest as I know what I shouldnt do but in the end I always seem to do it no matter what!
Ok so I have 9 days to make Christmas a really good one………at this moment in time that seems impossible but you know what through all the s@it I have done and caused myself and others in this life I always seem to come back from the dead…….I dont know how or why but God knows this time I have dug a hole that deep an elevator wouldnt get me out!!
Just wanted to share my utter stuip disrespectful behaviour in the hope it just helps one of you not follow my evil…..hateful……selfish path.
Thanks for reading and listening as always…..wish you all well.
From one of the worst people in the world…….just for today that I am.
Lee
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Maverick, I hope and pray you get some joy and peace this Christmas.
Gambling won’t give you anything but misery, grief and sadness.
Your wife and children and extended family can be your source of joy. Simple things make great memories.
Maverick, would you consider seeking Residential Therapy in the New Year?
You deserve a break from this horrendous affliction. -
Man,
You are the kind man who picked me up not so long ago when I felt like the worse person in the world . You are definitely not the worse in the world.
I hope you have managed to get your finances sorted for Christmas .
It’s such a horrible illness -it catches us by surprise and not one of us would ever choose to have it .
I hope you have an enjoyable Christmas despite this set back . -
Oh boy. Why do we self sabotage? It’s the million dollar question. Is it the added stress? Is it needing to escape the pressure? I don’t know the answer but I’m pretty sure many of us have been there, I know I certainly have!
You are not, or will ever be one of the worst people in the world. I’m not having that!!!!
Look, just do what you can for now.
I can only imagine what’s going on in your head.
You can only do what you can do. Don’t make that hole any bigger Mav.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. This addiction is relentless. I don’t have any words of wisdom, all you can do is get up in the morning and not gamble today.
Thinking of you dear friend,
Love K -
Velvet thankyou my friend I hope you and your family have a wonderful christmas, take care and will always wish you well, hope you have a lovley time.
Charles thanks for taking the time to post and hope you are keeping well…….guess what there are magic wands my friend I just dont have any so I will have to go back to the old school way and grow a pair of bollocks and live with the shit I have created, as for sharing what I am going to do moving forward and for future christmas I dont really care too much as my main focus is concentrating on trying to keep my wife and kids around for this one……and at that moment that is touch and go (all my own doing of course), anyway hope you are keeping well and have a nice christmas, thanks for your posts and support I know you mean well, take care and have a good one.
Vera always great to see you around my friend and hope u r keeping well, I have looked at in house treatment many times but being totaly truthful with you if I have 1 day away from work sick financialy it kills me so just could not afford to do it…..I think it would be great and really help but just couldnt afford to be off work as no one else to support the wife and kids, take care and all the very best my friend.
I did it, thankyou for posting and your kind words you are a very kind person with a harm heart, thanks for being around and keep posting and sharing, take care and wish u well.
Kathryn, from the bottom of my heart thankyou, you are such a lovley person and when I read your words they touch my heart and bring a tear to my eyes, I really hope you are keeping well and wish you all the happiness in the world.
In short thankyou everyone for all your support, I am what I am and I do what I do……trust me when I say I dont want to do it and I cry with the upset and hurt I cause at times, this addiction kills people…..wifes……children…..friends…….it doesnt care and at times there is no where to turn……..its shit I hate it and wish I never found gambling 27 years ago…..I am 41 now and still struggling with this addiction ……….it has pretty much destroyed me and yes its my own fault its all my own doing and in truth I dont need anyone else to tell me I am a **** because guess what I know………………..I have no more to say tonight apart from I know my friend Harry Potter would lend me his wand but hey again guess what it wouldnt touch the surface of the shit I have caused in life……….anyway thats enough!
Happy Christmas to you all, hope you all have a wonderful time with your family and enjoy the moments…….life and time is priceless never forget that…….take care all and hope you have a great Christmas.
All my very best.
Maverick
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hope you salvage your Christmas with your family Mav. I’m so sorry to read of all the trouble this ugly addiction is causing in your life. We may have to take responsibility for our actions but I’ve heard many a gambler say they wouldn’t wish this addiction on their worst enemy. That says a lot. We don’t cause harm to those we love on purpose. It’s not our intent. I’m not sure about your money situation but maybe you shouldn’t be handling it if at all possible. Strangle the addiction where ever possible I would say. Christmas is nearly over with. A new day starts tomorrow. I wish you the strength, insight and tools you need to deal with this. Here’s to a happier New Year.
Laura
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The spinning wheel sucks at the reason for life
The same wheel chants my name
A devil I chose over children and wife
I love it, despise it, this game
My lies to get out, the stories id tell
All oiled the greed in my head
The money I stole, the things I could sell
Morally, spiritually dead.
A sleepless night, losses I could chase
A months cash gambled, one day
The last chance door slammed into my face
And the ultimate price to pay
The eyes of a child, who’s future has gone
The eyes of a wife betrayed
The words on your lips that always go wrong
The debt that can never be paid.
So, nothing is left, the wheel has won
Is this life worth the sorrow
Wife’s walked out and children have gone
Maybe I’ll stop tomorrow!
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Very strong and moving poem Mav.
Also very sad.
The positive thing is that we can all stop today, stay stopped and start to create the lives we want to live.
We can do that today by making the right choices .
Don’t give up Mav- all of us on here have messed up .
Hard though it is – brush yourself down and start again.
Thinking of you. -
Dear Maverick,
I have been reading your recent post as far back as a few months ago but could not find the right message to say to you, I have read and noted the setback you have experience and feel your pain.
I have been thinking of replying to you for a few months now. I wanted to speak from my heart and personal experience. I wanted to tell you one thing that has help me in my recovery, but I could not think of one as there are many…I just waited and waited for the right message to come.
Finally, I knew what I wanted to tell you, this is the message: “When you find yourself in a hole, STOP digging.”
For another dear sister in here, my words for her was to take one baby step at a time.
I started taking one baby step at a time in recovery since 2005, if you add up all the baby steps in recovery I have taken over 12 years, I have progress despite the many setback and relapses in between.
I ask myself what has help me in recovery when I slip or relapse?
I have learnt to stop digging when I realized that I was in a hole, I was able to STOP before it become DEEPER. The day I stop digging the hole was also the day I started taking one baby step at a time to climb out of the hole one day at a time for the rest of my life… I hope this living / survival skill can help you as much as it has help me. -
I did it, thank you for your kind post and just for being you, you are a good person and never forget that, wish you well my friend.
Kin likewise thank you for taking the time to post my friend and I really like the way you waited until your heart spoke I totally understand what you mean, I have read peoples threads before and wanted to reply but I had nothing in my heart to say and when that happens I stay quite, anyway you are a very kind person with a vey kind heart and thank you for being here and being around.
THE HOLE
So here it is, when I am in the hole and have dug it and still digging it I see nothing, I am just focused on digging and digging!
Then when I sit down and stop digging I look around that hole I am in and the hole I have dug, its a very big hole and it is a very long way down but I sit there and look around and I think, as time goes by without digging I look around and see things that can get me out of this hole I have dug…….I keep looking around and keep seeing many things that can get me out of this big hole I have dug, I just have to stop digging and keep looking around and using all the other things available too me, the only thing I don’t see is a magic wand (thanks always Charles for your support and feedback and I am sorry if I took it the wrong way and for my silly quick wit comments on a previous post – really hope you are well, hope you had a wonderful Christmas and wish you all the very best for the new year – thanks for all you do), so yes I can help myself and I will.
Kin my friend from the bottom of my heart thankyou, this living / survival skill will help me as long as I learn to help myself.
Take care and wish each and everyone of you are happy new year, lets hope 2018 is better than 2017………I will hope however I do have a very important scan coming up in the 2nd week in January – fingers crossed.
Maverick
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Maverick, I know what you are saying about the HOLE! First, we dig the hole and it just gets bigger and bigger. There are a lot of things, barriers we can use. We have to fill in the hole by not gambling again! We can do it. We’ve seen Vera accomplish this. It’s possible for us too! Hard work and persistence. We have to rescue ourselves. Good luck with your scan. Happy New Years! Take care.
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Enough’s enough. Hey Mav, I hope you don’t mind me posting on your page. I usually upset people as I have a hard lined approach to things. At the moment I am over 1 year gamble free. It’s crazy to say it but it is actually true. I drove by a casino the other night and didn’t have a horrible urge to go in but the urge was there none the less. I think it’s important for me to realize that. I will always be a gambler. A small voice actually said could I go in and win and leave? The bigger voice of reason said sure you can go in there and lose… But when will you walk away? I thankfully just drove past the shiny lights and went to the hotel and watched a movie and passed out.
The weird thing is why I want to gamble? I have no idea really… I don’t need the money. I guess I just love the action of it. Thats the truth for me. I love the rush and action from gambling. Once I get the rush then comes the down turn. We all know the down turn…
My questions for you are…. Are you just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for your wife to leave you? Is that when you’ll quit or really kick it into high gear and gamble until suicidal?Are you wanting her to take the kids and teach them that their dad was too weak to stop doing something he knew was bad? If you saw either of your kids doing the same what would you do? Shouldn’t you do that for yourself and lead by example? If you saw your child repeatedly hitting his head on the table, you would you ask him to stop? If he didn’t stop after you asked, what would you do? I’m guessing you’d take him to get evaluated and ask why he keeps banging his head on the table after you’ve told him that doing so is a bad thing?
Are you going to lead your kids by example? Are you going to show them the righteous path in life or the path of chasing the action and the easy road? As parents and leaders we need to lead by example. You have said it a number of times Mav… Are you a good person or a bad person?? Only you can answer that question for yourself. Good and bad are only created by those that deem it relative. It’s actually really easy not to gamble. You just don’t. Then as time goes by things start to get better.
Just a thought Mav. I don’t make friends with these posts… But I do hope to make you think a little. -
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To Bro Maverick and Me
I can forget, drift and backslide when I become complacent. I need to remind myself, I am not a perfect man.
Gambling gives me false hope. If gambling has a voice, all the promises that it tell me was all a lie.
Gambling was like a robber, it come into our life and rob us of our peace, joy and freedom.
Gambling took over the top priority and love in our life that once belong to God, family and work.
Gambling took away the time that once belong to God, family and work and rob us of the money that could have been spend on love ones.
Most honest recovery people was there and has done that, they were once in a very unmanageable situation. The hole was so big and deep, life look hopeless but the miracle of recovery changes all that and today these people carry the message of recovery with gratitude.
Recovery from gambling was all about not gambling today. Our past is history, there is nothing we can do to erase and change all that, you can only focus on not gambling today, don’t worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has not arrive, when it come, you just need to repeat what you did today.
If taking one day at a time was tough, try taking baby steps, do the next right thing, one thing at a time.
No honest recovery person I knew was perfect, they cannot guarantee that they can stay gamble free for the rest of their life. We can only stay gamble free today. If we fail today, it is not the end of the world, tomorrow we try again to stay gamble free again. Every gambling free day matter, they all add up. Each day we say no to addiction, we are healing. We seek progress, not perfection!
I was an alcoholic too, I used to drink almost every week. Last year I only drank twice over 365 days. Frankly, I cannot remember how many days I gamble, I can either choose to beat up myself for my imperfection in recovery or be encourage by the progress I made in recovery. I do not claim perfection in recovery. I choose to see a half full glass instead of an half empty glass. It help me to remain in gratitude, humble and motivated to work harder to seek more progress. I am doing this for myself.
We are handicap by our addiction, try asking someone on crutches to stand up and walk. It takes a lot of effort and courage to take the first step in early days. Early days in recovery can be tough, it can be painful and stressful but it will get better and become easier over time.
It was not a difficult decision to made, we can only keep one and sacrifice one; either I continue gambling and sacrifice the family or I can choose to keep the family and sacrifice gambling.
Everyone that has done it will tell you they have found a new peace, joy and freedom, quality of life at home has improve, our well-being will affect and bring happiness and hope to our love ones. It is so worth it!
Like many of us in here, our last relapse was not first relapse; our last attempt was not our first attempt in recovery, we have done it before, we know what it was like and what we need to continue doing.
Praise God! God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. -
I just read Jonny’s post to you. I have to disagree. It’s not easy to not gamble. Not when suffering the addiction to do so. If it was that easy we wouldn’t be here would we? There would be no need for GT or GH.
Anyway, moving on….. how was Christmas? I’ve read through from my last post to you and didn’t feel you gave much away?
I’ve always liked you Mav, I think it’s because your name appealed to me from the start…(Top Gun…lol, I loved Tom Cruise before he went a little wierd!!)
Mav, I do wish I could say something to you that would make you ‘click’.
I don’t know why I clicked when I did, I’m grateful that it happened, although by then I was in a world of crap.
Do we need to be truly ready? There’s always going to be something to trigger an urge. I guess when I stopped gambling I started trying to deal with the trigger in a different way. Then the urges started to ease. Does that make sense?
There’s no easy out.
It’s hard work.
I so want you to get better Mav, you’ve been through enough.
Take care my friend, you are in my thoughts.
Love K xxxx -
Thankyou very much Vera, Lizbeth, Jonny, I did it, Kin and Kathryn, I don’t really know where to start in my replies to you all, but thank you very much for taking your valuable time to post and think of me its very kind of you all and I also wish each and everyone of you all the very best.
I will post more shortly.
Maverick
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I personally cannot look at not gambling forever….however, as Kin mentioned, I will not gamble today. I had the same thought yesterday, and the day before that. Are the urges there, of course they are….But guess what, when I resist them, I feel like I have won. I often think, even if I gambled and “won”, I might still be sad because I had let myself down. And I also know, an win will lead the the next time I gamble, which will lead to the next blow up…and ruin everything I have worked so hard to do, and all of the promises I have made.
Good luck on making the right choices for you and your family. Keep in mind, that you would not have all of these comments to your forum if we haven’t all been where you are at!
Take the advice for what it is worth, but you are the only one who can make a decision on what to do next. -
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Firstly I thank you all once again for all your feedback and taking the time to post on my thread.
In all honesty I answer to no one in this world and never will, perhaps that is another one of my character defects but hey at least I know what they are.
When I read peoples post on here I see many things in them, I read them, I take them in, I am thankful for them, I take what I need and I leave the rest.
Just for today my wife is happy, my children are happy and I am happy, despite my gambling addiction I always look after them, I always pay the rent, always pay the bills, they never go without the things they need, always put food on the table, clothes on there back but most importantly I give them love.
Yes I am a compulsive gambler and have been working on sorting myself out for around 6 years ish now, like I have said before I am in recovery (although slipped many times) have put up many barriers self exclusion to name just one, I am a work in progress and that will always be the case.
I know one thing for certain we are all the same distance away from our next bet!
I had to be careful what I said tonight as I don’t want to start a war of attrition as that is no good for anyone!
That’s all I have tonight as going to watch a film with the family, wish you all well.
Maverick
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Well said Maverick .
Despite several slips I know I have been in recovery for about two years – I get it ! How do I know ? I know because I have changed and evolved . I know because regardless of slips I immediately force myself back into being gamble free and close the latest “doors”. I too have always provided for my son – I have always worked and for many years was the main breadwinner . I know also because I value myself more !Recovery is not distance since your last bet – it’s not even distance to your next bet – it’s how we view life , how we work on our faults – e.g. You could have written more but you used wisdom not to- a sign of true recovery – many with far more days added up have not got his far into recovery and need to be always right !
Well done.
You have an addiction like us all.
Sometimes it rears its ugly head – but you still meet your responsibilities .
Recovery is not about a number of days – or a know all attitude . It is not about pointing out others mistakes or even comparing every post to our own journey. ( I might have just done that !!)
It’s about every day being the best person we can be and Mav- you are one of the best ! Your posts are kind and supportive – never harsh . This addiction is harsh enough- we don’t need harshness in any guise from our support.I think you are doing great – keep strong and happy new year !
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Hi Maverick,
I really respect you for taking good care of the family. When I was gambling, I honestly could not provide for my family, I squander away all my money. I was only able to contribute to the family after I have learn to stop gambling. It would be a disaster for me in recovery if I have stop gambling but nothing about me changes, isn’t it a shame if I have stop gambling but continue to be selfish and irresponsible, all I care about was me, I and myself and nobody else.
Blessings
Kin -
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So here it is I haven’t gambled for about 3 weeks well not exactly 3 weeks but hey I am not counting days anymore as its pointless.
Christmas was really nice (for the family) they had what they wanted, got what they needed and all was good like always in life I felt something was missing but hey I am a husband and farther and need to look after my wife and children and that I did.
New year was new year I don’t see it in anymore as not trying to be a grumpy bugger but they are all the bloody same……..I tried to get into a great mind set and then the week before new year found a lump and a crippling pain in my nether regions……………happy days and happy new year…….anyway after a lot of doctors and hospital appointments I have a final scan tomorrow……….now for most 41 year old men dropping your trousers for a scan would be a little embarrassing but since I was 14 years old I have been dropping my trousers and not because I have been a stripper but because I have had about 10 major operations in the last 25 years…..however being a stripper has come to mind many times because the way I gamble money away I always look at a quick income………anyway enough of the jokes as it doesn’t become me!
I am plodding on……working my bollocks off (while I still have two) and looking after the family, I don’t know really not that happy in life at the moment but who is when they owe every man and is dog including the Russia Mafia……..all my own doing so please don’t judge…..as the saying goes I have made my bed and now I will lie in it……….but guess what it is not fu@king comfy, sorry for the foul language (I did but the @ in) I am told it is down to a small vocabulary and in truth I know that to be so very true.
Anyway that’s me for now and I will update tomorrow, as always wish you all well my friends, only the individual knows what ones going through but others can help!!!
Take care all and never give in!
Maverick
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Hi Maverick. Big things going on in your world. I’m sure you are doing your best not to dwell and worry about the scan. Fingers crossed and prayers said. Big scares can throw us off track I truly believe. Being in many a GA meeting you see some trends among those that are there. Like I knew death of a loved one was a huge trigger. I still managed to walk right into it. Like a knee jerk reaction. I hope you can work the high interest high risk loans off fast and put them behind you. Not worth it man. I too am glad you had a good Christmas with the family. I think you found out the gambling wasn’t worth missing! You are back on track. All the best with the scan Maverick. Thanks for your posts. Please take care,
Laura -
Wishing you all the best for your scan.
I’m my line of work I’m looking at nether regions all the time and sometimes I have to get reeeaaalll close to them to take a photo (looking at those written words I can only imagine what people think I do!!)
It’s not as bad as that I promise.
Its just another body part!
Anyway…….I know you will deal with whatever comes next, and I pray it’s nothing more than a bit of cold gel!!! (For the scan if anyone’s wondering!!!)
I’m glad Christmas was as good as it could be.
I’m also glad you haven’t gambled, be mindful, stress is a major trigger (as I know you know!)
So I’ll sign off, thinking of you Mav
Love K xxx -
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I second IDI’s sentiments. Anyone you can talk this over with? Health issues can be a big trigger. Scary times waiting for scan results. How long do you have to wait? What can you do to tie up money so you don’t give in to the temptation? Praying for you Maverick. I’m in French chat I do believe. Parlez vous Francais?
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Thanks all for your kind words and support……you really all are a wonderful group of people…..Kathryn I just love your post and was rolling over laughing……and yes it was just some cold gel and in truth the two women who were doing it were really nice, kind, genuine people……anyway we will see!
Being total honest as I always am I gambled today……my fault no one else to blame as always but yes I gambled……didnt have to but did…….will I ever learn who knows!!!!
Thanks again all for you taking the time to post on my thread and all I know is tomorrow will be better…….I promise that.
Maverick
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Last day gambled 15/01/2018.
I have taken evertrhing back to basics, I have handed over all roads to access cash so from here on in I dont have any access something I did before (and it worked) just over time I slowly took control back and as proven it doesnt work me having access to money…….I am too compulsive and kamakazi at times just dont no why but thats not important I dont need to know why I do it but at least I know I do it.
I have closed every door bar 1 with regards places I can gamble within a 10 mile radius……..I will find some passport photos tonight and drive to that last place tomorrow in my lunch to self exclude……….being totaly honest with myself and you all I tried before to self exclude from this place and there response was (I cant find the book!!!!! )This happened twice I will not take no for an answer tomorrow because this was my only (comfortable place left to gamble) meaning once I self exclude from this last place I am much more less likley to drive over 10 miles to somewhere I dont know or havent gone into before……I am a creature of habbit and like the same places.
Anyway been working my socks off this morning and trying to get into a great frame of mind……..I will get there……just need to work out yet another payment plan to sort out debts and stick to it.
Just for today I am not going to gamble because I am sick and tired off it and really cant be bothered with it anymore.
Maverick
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On lunch break Mav so only have a minute .
Wow!
What a great result.
In a few short days you will feel so much better.
In a few short weeks you will be able to sort any money issues
In a few short months you will feel richer
In a few short years you will be debt free (sorry if ur not in debt)But right now today you will be able to look at your family and think I am making this huge effort for you – because you are worth it and your daddy is worth it .
Well done my brave friend !
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I couldn’t have been happier to read your post! I honestly believe that sometimes CG’s use reckless gambling as a means to speed up our own end. But the thinking part of your brain has put the breaks on. You have to fight for your health and sanity. For your well being and that of your families. Not add to the mental and physical stress. I’m glad you’ve chosen to fight smart Mav! Selfishly for us here as well as for you and your family. Onward and upward my friend ??
Laura
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Kathryn, Lizbeth, Laura, Micky, Charles and all thank you for your posts, kind words and me being in your thoughts, I haven’t gambled since my last post……however my 38 year old wife fell very ill, just a normal cold and ear infection turned into septicemia…….that wasn’t picked up on 3 hospital visits in the space of 24 hours……she is and has been in a really bad way, according to the consultant if I hadn’t got her seen to when I did she would have been dead within 2 hours………..still in a right mess and in truth everything life is a bloody nightmare………being honest I would rather be gambling like a **** and everything else was ok but hey life is a strange one isn’t it, thank you all for your help and support, just wanted to let you know I am still breathing…..just about, take care and love to you all, will try and share soon.
Maverick
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While I am so relieved you are ok ( I thought something terrible had happened to you) what a horrific time for you and your family.
I hope your wife is on the mend, and feeling somewhat better.
As lizbeth said, not gambling means you are present, the alternative is too horrendous to think about.
You’re in my thoughts old friend.
Love K xxxxxxx -
Dear Maverick
You have certainly been through the wringer but I am really pleased to read that gambling has not made matters worse for you – well done.
Keep breathing – your wife depends on it.
Look after yourself Maverick, you are special. I hope your wife will soon be restored to full health.
Velvet -
Lizbeth, Idid it, Kathryn and Velvet thank you for your kind words and thoughts they are gratefully received, I am so tired and promise to post more today but I had to post today.
Last day gambled today 22nd April 2018 – I was really doing well but messed up – I will learn I know I will
Maverick
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Lizbeth, SarahJ and Kin thanks for your posts and support always nice to read.
I am on my lunch break from work so thought it would be a good time to update, so after my wifes issue with sepsis and being in hospital for a long period of time she is back home safe and recovering really well. It’s been really tough and emotional, I didn’t go to work for 3 weeks as my kids were in a right mess with it all and in truth I was also, my lad is 11 and he seemed to handle it better than my daughter who is 8, although my boy is good at hiding his emotions! The problem being is I work long hours and although I love them very much they have there mother their for everything, while my wife was in hospital I grew to know my kids again did everything with them and it’s amazing to see how close they became to me again because I was the only one there, also my children were both I’ll in the time my wife was in hospital and just wanted mummy as kids always do, some nights once I had got the kids to sleep I would cry alone just in despair (not from gambling) just from all the worry grief and pain that was going on around me, I didn’t gamble for weeks and in truth I just had way to much going on, I prayed as I always do and in truth I know it is a mirace my wife is still alive and recovering well, I won’t share the whole story but in short got turned away from the hospital 3 times and doctors once each time I had to carry my wife out because she could not walk I could tell she was dieing as I know her so well you could see the life draining from her body and doctors and consultants kept saying it was just a viral thing.
I kept pestering and going back 4 different people in 36 hours and still be told go home rest she will get better, the last time she couldnt move, talk and looked deathly, I said to her I have to take you to the hospital again as this just isn’t right she looked at me and just about managed to say don’t move me leave me here I can’t move……………I cried picked her up and carried her to the car drove up to the hospital again and on the way my wife’s phone rings and was showing (16 missed calls) she hadn’t been using it and I never touch it however it rang again and I answered it and was just about to tell someone to Foxtrot Oscar and it was a consultant from the hospital saying we urgently need to see your wife there has been a mix up with her bloods and she is dangerously I’ll. ……….to which I answered no shit……….anyway the rest is history……..
I can’t get certain parts out of my head and have been having nightmares about the night she was so I’ll and in so much pain………I know this will pass in time and just need to work on myself and get myself back into a good mental place being honest while all this was happening I looked after my kids and wife but let myself slip as just didn’t have the time.
Anyway I have used up all my miracles for the rest of my life and in fairness that’s fine because I still have the women I love with all my heart and always will, I may be many things in life compulsive gambler being one of them but to name a few however I know for a fact I am also a loving husband and loving farther who would do anything for my wife and children!
Day 2 gamble free and just for today I will not gamble………the temptation is always there I can’t lie but just for today I have a hole to get out off and that’s exactly what I am going to do.
My very best to you all and as always wish you all well.
Maverick
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Maverick, I’m so happy that your wife is recovering. Thank goodness for your persistence. I’m sure your children were scared and confused by not having their Mommy at home. But you were present to comfort them. Everyone makes mistakes. I’m glad that you posted after gambling. Just because we gamble doesn’t mean we dont love those around us. We have a addiction that isn’t easily cured. You must never give up on yourself. You are worth a gamble free life. You always have my support. Take care.
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Dear Maverick
We are the chosen one to walk this road. It has not been easy and smooth sailing for you recently. I sincerely hope that this will be your turning point.
I was there for my family too and they do not know my real situation right now.
I have found strength in reading the gospel / good news
Below are some points
The Book of Romans reveals God’s perfect solution to save and transform sinners
The good news is the power of God to transform lives
The good news was about what God has done for us in Christ.
The good news is not a list of what we must do. – righteousness cannot be earned by hard work or moral life but through faith in Christ.
An opportunity to experience life to the full
To restore a closer relationship with God
God command us to repent and turn from sin
Dear Heavenly Father, you have told us to ask in Jesus ‘s name and it shall be given. I am praying to you now to protect Maverick and family. I am asking you to give his wife total healing and recovery. I am asking you to provide for this family and let peace, calm, joy, security and happiness return and be restored to them. In Jesus almighty name I pray. Amen!
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Hi Maverick
I am glad your wife is recovering. What a shock and awful thing to happen plus, as if often the case these days, hospitals and medics get it wrong. But it wasn’t too late thank the Lord. You may need help to get over the trauma of that night, or do something practical about it and make a complaint. A wrong happened that needs acknowledgement and righting. As I work in healthcare when I work, I come across services that simply are not good enough and we have to say so, or else nothing changes. I would hate to think that this Happens to someone else.
I hope the family continues to recover froM what sounds like a very trying and traumatic time. -
Lizbeth, Kin and Monica thank you for your kind posts and support you are all very kind.
Kathryn thankyou once again for your kind words before your support is always received with a smile and reading back over posts you have made your humour is just like mine, Kathryn I am worried about you now, I cannot find your thread to post so I will say what I have to on mine, you are so supportive to me and very many, you always help, offer advice and share honestly and I just love the way you come across sounds silly but in many ways you remind me of me lol, please just let me know you are ok……I know I am a fine one to talk and disappeared for months but hey whos perfect, always wish you well Kathryn and wherever you are you are in my thoughts and prayers, you are a good person and never forget that.
Ok all that’s me for the night I am drained, exhausted, beat, stressed, perplexed but also chilled……….just for today I didn’t gamble and trust me that’s a result, my love to you all.
Maverick
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Hi Mav,
Thank you for your post on my thread. It must be such a relief to you that your wife is recovering from such a serious illness . It has taken its toll on you all.
I admire your honesty and courage in coming back here and posting . You really do work on recovery .
It’s hard – very hard . I have just got to month four but find it is a constant battle .
Keeps strong Mav- you deserve to have one less thing to worry about . -
Wow Maverick! You and your entire family has been through a lot. Sometimes we hold it together while things are dire but then in the relief afterwards we gamble. As you say, you got a hole to get out of and you are going to do it. You’ve been given this gift of healing and a second chance with your wife. I don’t know if we ever know ahead, what will make us finally stop, I hope this is it for you. So glad you were there for your kids and your wife.
Laura -
You have no idea how happy I am to read that your wife is recovering.
And how wierd is this world of ours….in your darkest hours you had to pull yourself together for your beautiful kids. And from what I’m reading your relationships have grown from strength to strength , talk about a positive from a negative if ever I’ve read one!
You always find out who you can rely on in a crisis.
I’ve stepped back from the forum.
I feel it’s not worth going into detail, and to be honest it’s not something I think about anymore. There’s bigger stuff going on in my world and I won’t waste my energy, or time for that
matter.
So…..I’m ok, and I still pop in and read.
You sir, have always been a wonderful support to me, thank you for asking after me.
I’ve just worked a 12 hour day and am doing the same tomorrow, I’m toooo old for this crap!!! I need to hit the hay!!
I’ll keep tabs on you Mav,
Take care my friend, love K xxx -
I see its been a very long time since my last update and in truth I really don’t no where to start, at this exact point in life I think I am right on the line of a nervous breakdown, I have to be honest as in truth that’s all I have.
Since my wife’s near death experiance I have been working 24/7 looking after her and the kids and over these last 3 months I have let myself go big time, I used to be pretty fit and always got some exercise in when and where I could but this last 3 months I have put on 2 stone, no exercise at all, poor eating and just sheer letting myself go……. I really do need to get a grip of life and fast.
I am not sleeping well and keep having nightmares and flashbacks of that night my wife was in so much pain, I did everything I could for her but even still she was in agony and dying in front of me I just cant get those memories out of my head, I felt her pain but more than that I was totaly helpless in helping her I wanted to take all her pain and suffering and make her at peace.
This life I live at the moment is totaly screwed up, having a rough ride at work as focusing on my family more and work are not sympathetic at all, havent got much family support as in truth they are all on there last legs.
Lee why are you moaning? plenty of people worse off than you my friend………………..I know very true just in a bad place, I need to get a grip and bloody fast if I do all will be well I know it will and if I dont well I just dont know.
Thanks for listening and really sorry to vent just at a totaly loss as where I go from here, just for today life is only just manageable.
Take care and wish you all well.
Maverick
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Maverick, I’m so sorry that you are going through so much in your life. Through this, you posted on my thread. It shows you have great character and are a good friend. I’m sad that you have no family support. It’s not a good feeling as I’ve experienced in the past. Just do your best. I’m sure it’s overwhelming at times. Sometimes it can feel like nothing is working in your favor. Just keep going. In the end your Wife and Children are your life. Can you find time for a walk? It’s good exercise and refreshes your brain also. Remember, you have to take care of yourself also! You always have my support. Please vent here if you need to. Don’t keep it bottled up! Take care friend.
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Hey Maverick. I’ve been attempting to get here to post to you for the past few days. I had been re reading my thread and posts from you at times when I most needed a fella’s perspective were there saying it’s ok everyone goes through rough patches in their marriage and life in general.
It must be hard on you right now having to have big shoulders and no one else to be able to rely on. So you did the right thing. You reached out to your recovery family. To say man I need some support right now. From a distance we may only be able to offer prayers and advice but i believe our love and support can get through. Liz has some good advice. Pick something small and simple and manageable as a 15 minute walk to clear your head. You love your family with all your heart and the thought that you nearly lost part of your family and maybe the part that holds the family together has to still freak you out! And with all of that the little devil that sits on your shoulder is likely telling you to forget about it all for a bit and maybe you can win yourself out of any financial problems. You know he lies like the SOB he is. We have never won our way out so far or we wouldn’t be here. If there is anyone you can ask for help, ask. Whether it’s to help with the kids or meals or whatever they can contribute. Is there any charitable support groups that would help in any way? Health costs even if “covered” still have so many out of pocket expenses. I know there are no magic answers. I hope you are able to regather your strength as I know you will. And after this darkness passes do try to stay positive, hopeful, and grateful for second, third, fourth and umpteenth chances. I’m not surprised to hear that work is focused more on current results than your family’s well being. But I know that you can figure out a healthier way to rejuvinate and refocus. I am praying for your continued strenth. You are a kind man. Take care,
Laura -
Hi Mav
I am sorry that you are having such a rough time but I am glad you have reached out. It seems that work is adding to your stress which seems most unfair.
You have been trough an incredibly traumatic experience and it might be an idea to ask your doctor for counselling to help cope with post traumatic issues.
You need real help right now Mav so please make a doctors appointment .
We are all here rooting for you .
Things will get better
Xx -
So sorry to read of your current situation.
I’m really just going to agree with everyone above……
A walk, really does help clear the head and I hear the weather over there is not too shabby at the moment. Deep breaths, fill those lungs and open the mind. Even 15 minutes, round the block could help a little.
I feel like IDI is on the money about going to the doctor. You have had a massive, traumatic experience. You need to look after yourself Mav, and your mental health has been affected in all this. Your GP could give you some direction on what may help you.
I don’t know if this will help, but when mum died I could not sleep at all. I found ASMR, its a relaxation thing that helps send you off to sleep. I utube it, and I still do it now. Maybe if you can feel relaxed when you go to sleep the nightmares might ease a bit.
I wish I could do more to help you Mav, you need support.
Please know that I’m thinking of you all. How are your kids coping through all this? They are lucky to have you. You are a dedicated husband and father, and I truly hope that things improve and your pressure is reduced.
Hold on Mav, its all you can do. Just know that we are all with you.
Love K xxx -
Lizbeth, Laura, I did it and Kathryn thank you all for your support means alot, I had a doctor’s appointment today that I booked on Friday as knew things were getting out of hand and in truth believe I need some counciling, being honest the only good thing that came out of that appointment is I found my blood pressure to be sky high and they have referred me to specialist regarding it was 195 over 165 whatever that means the Doctor said it should be below 135 over 85 anyway in fairness it dosent surprise me it’s that high with everything going on at the moment but hey at least I know and can work on it, just purchased a blood pressure machine to keep a very close eye on it and see If I can bring it down (something I couldn’t have brought whilst gambling like I have done in the past) as for the counciling I will persuse that privately as the Doctor wasn’t very helpful on that side (and didn’t suprise me as from my personal experience seems to be the norm) anyway just wanted to update quickly and must get myself back to work.
Kathryn it has effected the kids massively as I am sure it would anyone but they are doing really well, my girl seemed more effected than my boy but in fairness he is older and also like me good at hiding his feelings, they are doing really well and in fact it’s probably just me falling apart at the moment I think itso the after shock of it all as when it is happening you just live off the nervous energy and adrenaline (not meaning gambling this time) I have faith and just need to get a grip of it all, it’s silly but everytime my wife says she is tired or has a pain I just think the worse………time will sort it I just know it will, take care and thank you once again for thinking of me means alot.
Just for today I will not gamble!
Maverick
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You know I would be inclined to go and see another GP.
A second opinion never hurts and you need some help!
No wonder your BP is so high with all the pressure you have been under.
Kids are very resilient. Strong little things.
Just wanted to touch base with you Mav, thinking of you all.
Love K xxx -
Great advice Kathryn ,
Gp ‘s rarely have time to give to their patients anymore as it seems they have filled their books to maximum to ensure maximum profit !Go see someone else or even try get free counselling through gamcare . You have been through such a lot – you must prioritise your own health so that you are well enough to deal with everything else .
You are a good person Mav -you deserve all the support you can get !
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Just for today I gambled………..what’s life all about made a massive mistake today and I am really in a big hole………no self pitty I am just one big areshole , been there before many times but this time just can’t understand……..ok i had been drinking heavy but just no excuse……….gambling kills me I know this and also destroys my life I know this also…………I am in total disbelife and at a total loss……………really down this one going to be tough to bounce back from……………I do hate gambling and destroying my life but keep find myself going back to it !!!
Take care love to all
Maverick
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Hi Maverick … thought I would reach out to you. I stopped gambling many years ago, but for many years before that I tried to stop gambling and kept failing. The problem was I was a problem gambler – and gambler’s gamble. So of course we “fall off the wagon” occasionally.
Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Whatever you do, don’t think – oh well I have gambled now – I might as well carry on. Just see this for what it is, a one off, when your guard was down.
Take things easy, lick your wounds and when you feel a bit better, look at what was going on for you before you gambled – was there a trigger (it sounds like drink was a factor – why were you drinking heavily?) How did you get access to gamble? Can you put more barriers in place?
I saw from reading previous posts that you were looking into counselling. Did you get anywhere with that. It could be that the gambling is telling you that things are not right and that you need to look after yourself.
I hope you didn’t do too much damage financially and that you can rally from this one. If I can be of any help, please get back to me.
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Hi Maverick,
I am so sorry to hear about your gambling. It takes honesty and courage to admit our mistake, you have already taken your first step.
The same thing can also happen to me if I am not careful today. I am still the same imperfect person who can have incredible short memory that I cannot drink or gamble like a normal person.
At this time, nothing I say can replace a big hug, all I can say is don’t give up hope, take one baby step at a time if you must.
We seek spiritual progress and not perfection in recovery. Take care and God bless!
Kin
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Hi Mav, Well done on getting back here and posting. First the good news – you KNOW you can stop. You know because you have done it before and you know what works for you. Now get back to doing it – posting here, GA meetings, barriers, back to basics.
If you were out drinking heavily and still had access to funds with which to gamble then it sounds like you were well away from those basics.
There is a secret to not having to keep coming back to support – the secret is not to leave it in the first place. If we could stop on our own then none of us would be here. From what I see here and at GA I see no reason to think I couls stay stopped on my own either.
Keep posting.
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Steev, Kin, Charles and Lizbeth your replies are really appreciated thank you very much.
I gambled and messed up……..again…..it’s not the first time and really hope it’s the last……as always that’s down to me and only I can control that outcome but I can use all the tools I can to help me in my quest for a better life !
I have worked out my recent triggers…….drinking silly amounts of alcohol didn’t help my cause as I seemed to loose all my senses and hit the self destruct button, it had been building up inside on me for a few weeks, I had alot of family stresses (lost another person close to me) work stresses (will always be the way as just the nature of my job), health issues (we all have them) but the problem was I didn’t talk to anyone about them, I didn’t share with anyone and therefore kept them to myself and in the end just overloaded and let loose in a silly gambling rampage and in turn did some major financial damage. I had been doing well, going to meetings, managing money, was in a very good place to be honest and had just started to enjoy life again……………you all know it I know it……….gambling destroys life’s there is no happiness with it………gambling and unhappiness go hand in hand I know this I am not a silly man I promise you all that……just a recovering compulsive gambler, I have always said it that if I didn’t want to stop I wouldn’t be here I wouldn’t go to meetings, I wouldn’t put barriers in place but I do want to stop and have done for years.
I mentioned along time ago years ago now something just clicked for me wanting to gamble to wanting to stop, sInce that day I have been in recovery because that’s where I want to be…….yes sure I have slipped / gambled many times over those years but have always got back into recovery, this time I think I also got a little complacent…….let my guard down……stopped posting……cut down / stopped meetings………everything just started to fall back into old ways…….almost no barriers……..not trying to test myself but I suppose in some way I was, anyway thanks again for posting and reading will always wish you all well, keep fighting it’s the only way.
Take care
Maverick
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