Hi Caroline,
Sorry things are so tough for you just now. I just wanted to pick up on that question you asked about if you should tell your husband you are getting support here. I didn’t and for me I think that was the right decision. I needed to access some help that was completely separate from his influence. It was support for me and me only and I kept it that way.
Regardless of if they are good people or not, the addiction can make them highly manipulative particularly of their ‘enablers’. Like you I did start telling family and friends and it is only now that I can see that that doing those two things gave me a more objective pair of eyes so that I could see how behaviour that I was beginning to accept as normal was far from normal. Through their eyes I stepped out of the jungle and could see more clearly.
I only told a few initially but it was them that urged me to take steps to protect myself and the children.
I believed for far too long that my then husband could just change when he said he would. In reality his gambling was escalating and threatening the security of the family home. Other people could see the risks more clearly than me at that point.
I had a misplaced sense of duty/ obligation – I don’t know what you would call it but it led me to always defer to him in some way even when it was obvious that as the non addicted person with the family’s best interest at heart I was the better person to take the financial control.
I think however liberated women think they are these days there can still be an underlying culture or feeling that once married we still take a back seat and allow men to take control.
I did all the crying, worrying and shouting etc that I can see you going through. For me in the end the only thing that made any difference was when I took significant actions to protect myself and my family.
It was the hardest thing I ever did but I can see now it was also the best thing I ever did.
Everybody’s story is different and in some aspects mine was maybe a bit more extreme than most and I am not suggesting you have to end in divorce as I did.
If there is one consistent theme that emerges from this forum that should be shouted from the rooftops to all family and friends of people with addictions, it is take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself, your family and your assets from the consequences of loving a person who has a compulsive gambling addiction. ( I am trying to avoid calling them CGs since I read somebody’s objection to that term on the forum and I do recognise that a person should not be referred to or defined by their addiction. They are so much more than that. I used the abbreviation more as a convenience)
You have already identified that you need to take action. Take that first action. You will feel much better than you can imagine at this point.
Jilly
