[Hayley]

Hey Everyone,
nI’m so happy to have this forum to be able to talk freely with people who understand.
nMy partner of 5 years has just come clean to me about his gambling problem. I have had my suspicions over the years, now it all makes so much sense. I just couldnt understand how he was so terrible with money. its taken a couple of very big stuff ups with his money and for me to be ready to leave that he has confessed. In a way I actually feel relieved. This has validated all of my lack of trust and insecurity about our relationship. He has admitted to putting money in the pokies almost every day if not every second day and anything from $200 to $1000 each time. Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster he must be on depending on wether he wins or loses. Strangely though he is always very calm and like nothing fases him. Anyway now I need to decide what to do. The relationship has been disintegrating for quite some time now. Mainly because of the trust and money issues. Our actual personal relationship is the most emotionally supportive I have ever had. He is an incredible person who I love and care about deeply and can see a very happy future with however, I am certain that I need financial security in my life and I know enough about gambling addicts to know that the lies and deceet wont go away any time soon. He has only just for the first time admitted that he has a problem. Up until now he has always told himself that everything is ok. The emotions and reality are hitting him like a truck. He feels so ashamed. I cant help but to want to help him through this. My clock is ticking and I want babies so bad. Gosh, this is terrible.

[charles]

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you?ll find the times for these if you click on the ?Group times? box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you?ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they?ll welcome you in like an old friend ??

If you?re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn?t connected with GMA, please don?t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You?ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you?ll follow, some you won?t…but that?s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what?s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don?t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ??

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

n

[charles]

Hi Hayley,
n
nI facilitate some of the groups here, I am also a Compulsive gambler myself. I am sure that Velvet will give you some of her words of wisdom when she sees this. She also hosts the friends and family groups where you could talk to others in your position. You could get a lot of support there as well – just check out the group schedule.
n
nWhen it comes to your boyfriend I would say it is great that he has admitted the problem. The important thing though is what is he prepared to DO about it? You are here – where is he? He can get a lot of support in the My Journal Forum or some of the other live groups. he can get support at Gamblers Anonymous. He can put barriers in place so that he CAN’T gamble.
n
nIt is an old saying – action speak louder than words. Never more so than with an addict who has been caught. Keep posting.

[velvet]

Hi Hayley

I am also happy that you have found this forum. I hope you will continue to benefit from knowing more about your partner?s addiction and with that knowledge, find the way forward that is right for you.

Your partner has taken a giant step towards changing his life by admitting he has a serious problem.but as Charles so rightly says, words on their own are not enough and he will need direction towards good support ? has he sought any help since he opened up to you?

I am certain that his calm exterior masks a host of insecurities and a roller-coaster of emotions. The lot of a compulsive gambler is to live with constant failure which destroys confidence and self-esteem, the nature of the addiction means he cannot walk away until all is lost. Your partner has been telling himself, over and over again, that one day everything will be ok but his only coping mechanism is to gamble and it is scary for him to think that this means of escape will have to go if he is to change his life.

I think it is important that your partner is aware that he is understood and to know that there is lots of support available. We have an excellent Helpline and brilliant facilitated gambler groups on this site where he would be welcome – everything he has felt and done will be understood. GA is another terrific source of support for him and of course he can use both GA as well as this site ? the more help he gets the better.

I suspect from your first post that you intend to support your partner for as long as you are able to do so and to this end I hope you will keep posting and perhaps also use our Helpline, for your own support. Everything is anonymous and private.

Only you can answer whether you want to, or can, continue with your relationship. I have no doubt that he is an incredible person but his personality has been marred by an addiction that he neither wanted nor asked for.

I think it is important to protect your own finances, the addiction to gamble is incredible strong ? giving cash to a person with the gambling addiction is the same as giving alcohol to an alcoholic ? it feeds the compulsion and makes it grow. In my opinion, refusing to give cash should be done with discussion so that it is understand that It is not a punishment. Gamblers wishing to take control of their addiction often appreciate loved ones handling their finances, but this does not mean clearing the gambling debts.

You are right that the lies and deceit are not going to disappear overnight. Your partner will need courage and determination when he fights to control his addiction but I would not be here if I didn?t know that he can succeed and that he can live a wonderful, healthy, honest gamble-free life. It is easier for a compulsive gambler to face his demons when he has support but it is important that you are aware that this is not going to be easy.

I am going to leave my first reply there Hayley and await your response. Ask any question you may have and I will do my best to answer you.

Whatever you decide to do, I will understand.

Well done writing what must have been a difficult post

Velvet

[Autor]

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