[vShep]

I have been married 24 years. My husband has always been the person in our relationship who was good with money. He was in fact so frugal that when we started
ngoing to the newly built casino it never would have crossed my mind that he would develop a gambling problem. We decided early in our marriage that we would
nlive on my paycheck (I did not invest in 401K) and put all of his back for retirement. At the age of 40 in 2009, we anticipated that we would be able to retire before 55.
nHe put the money back and I would get occasional updates on where we were. In 2017 and 2018 he started spending a lot of time at the casino. He
nbegan getting lots of “free” things – trips, expensive dinners, etc. He told me how he did it without spending anything at the casino and I believed him and enjoyed the
nfreebies. He was always so trustworthy. Then January 2019 I noticed that in our bank there was a $14,000.00 equity line of credit being used. I started going through
nhis accounts and realized that we had nothing, zero, left of what we had saved all these years and a total of $30,000.00 in debt. I opened up accounts in my name so
nhe would not have access to my paychecks, and the little bit of savings I had. He did not admit that he had a problem but rather made up some elaborate story. He still
nhas business bank accounts as he is self-employed and business credit cards but he had many cards canceled over the last couple of years.
n
nFast forward to now – he has never admitted to having a problem. We started having issues when he said he was tired of asking me for money because i controlled the
nchecking account. He said he wasn’t making money in his business and he was trying to pay things off. He was still going to the casino but promised me he was just gong
nuntil his comps ran out. Then eventually he promised he wouldn’t go anymore for me but he was just sneaking and going. Now we have $75,000.00 in debt. I told him i had
nto get a divorce just to protect myself financially even though I didn’t want to and asked if he would get help but he says I am just paranoid and not supporting the fact that his
nbusiness isn’t doing well. We separated but due to quarantine we have been living together and things have gone so well but the casinos had been closed. I have been working hard and paid of the equity line of credit and have been trying to save everything I can. He still will not turn over the finances for his business and says he is getting things paid off but I know its not true. I am
npaying all bills, buying groceries, paying his medical bills which are a lot. We need $6,000.00 for him for a procedure and I am giving this to him of course to get treatment but
nthen I found out he took $5000.00 yesterday to gamble and he told me he just went to get “free food” and hadn’t gambled. When I asked about the $5,000 withdrawal he
njust said it wasn’t for that but wouldn’t tell me what it was for.
n
nI feel like I must get out but I don’t want to. I love this man but he lies and I fear this is going to sink me to where I will never be able to retire. If I say I am leaving he will be fine with it – he
nisn’t going to give me access to his finances and he isn’t going to admit he has a problem – he just accuses me of not being supportive. I am hurt and scared to death. Sorry so long.

[velvet]

Hello V

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you?ll find the times for these if you click on the ?Group times? box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you?ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they?ll welcome you in like an old friend ??

If you?re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn?t connected with GMA, please don?t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You?ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you?ll follow, some you won?t…but that?s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what?s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don?t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ??

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

n

[velvet]

HI V
nThere was no need to apologise for the length of your post, I would imagine it was very painful to write.
nIt is hard to love someone who is obviously struggling but will not seek support and seems hell-bent on carrying on with destructive behaviour; it is so important V, that you do what is right for you.
nThe addiction to gamble is not about money; the actual ?gamble? is all that matters. Money to a compulsive gambler is a tool, a means to an end, it is not the goal. Your husband is drawing out massive amounts of money to satisfy his addiction while you are paying the bills and even contemplating paying for a procedure for him, even though you have separated. In effect, all the money you are saving him, by paying for his health and well-being, is being squandered to satisfy his insatiable addiction.
nYou have trusted you husband for many years but in my opinion, it is time to realise that he cannot be trusted anymore, it is time to recognise the depth of his addiction and to know that it will take you all the way down with it, if you allow it.
nI know that he can control his addiction V or I would not be writing to you, I know that he neither asked for nor wanted it – but having got it, he does need the right treatment. Many gamblers have to hurt themselves before they find the courage to face their addiction and seek treatment but it seems to me, at the moment, the only person being hurt by his behaviour is you.
nI cannot tell you to leave your husband or to stay with him, all decisions must be yours but the right decisions are best made with knowledge.
nA compulsive gambler is usually a master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor should you have to be. It is unwise to threaten anything unless you are fully prepared and able to carry the threat through because if you give in, along the way, the addiction will see it as a green light, an open door to carry on unabated.
nMaybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gambler?s Anonymous website and leave them for him to see ? he might not be aware that his addiction is recognised and that he is not alone. Personally, I think it is good to let it be known that you are seeking support for yourself, that you are taking his problem seriously, even if he will not.
nPlease keep posting V. it is a lonely life worrying about a husband with a gambling addiction. Do you have friends and family that can/will support you, hopefully without passing unhelpful opinions.
nVelvet
n
n

[Author]

Posts