[eileen]

This is new to me. I have only been on the site a few times but never really wrote anything.

So here it is…..Day 1…..

I’m so screwed… I went out this morning and gambled with the money the casino sent me. I was proud of myself. Left 100 ahead…woo hoo…..
Then what do I do….go back tonight! Do I ever learn? There goes the 100 dollars….then another and another and another and yes another. Hey hubby, can I borrow your atm card? Mine is maxed until after midnight. Oh great! Now I can get out a few more hundred and get caught up! Right-like that would really happen. I dont get it. Why do I keep doing this to myself. I am so far in debt and this is jus going to prolong me getting out. Ugh! I am so hating myself right now. It’s total torture. I keep telling myself no more but then I head right back….looking for a quick fix to my problems. I know better in my head but something takes over. Its like a drunken blackout. I seriously feel the physiological effects. I dont even remember going to the atm. Seriously…..its a blackout moment.

I did the same thing a few days ago. I screwed myself up bad that time. Not enough money to pay the bills AND ovedrawn about 1200. I was so relieved I was able to get a loan to help me get caught up. Then tonight I blew it again! So what do I do? I try for another loan…..to pay off the first one and give me back what I lost tonight…..yeah that maks sense ….NOT! But I have to do something. Hey if I stop gambling I can pay the loan back right? So I start to review the loan I had…..then I actually read the damn thing. I saw the monthly payments and thought to myself I can do this…..I can pay it off quickly by making double payments…then as I read further on the loan I see that the payments are biweekly and not monthly. Fuck my life! Depression has officially set in.

I know what people on this site say to do…..Logically it makes sense. Emotionally I dont know if I can handle it. Self Exclude? Um, cant bring myself to do it….not because I want to go back though. I just dont want to admit my problem to those people. How embarassing! Also, I have a job in the law profession. The people I work with are judgmental to say the very least.

I have such hard time saying I cant ever gamble again. Gambling though has lost its fun. I do however enjoy going to visit my sister and going to the horse track. This is part of my dilemma…..When I go there, I dont overspend. I hardly bet, but I really enjoy the outing and spending time with my sister. I know people on here or at gamblers anonymous will say I cant go…..I guess Its like telling an alcoholic its ok to take only one drink. Again, intellectually this makes sense…..but I seriously think I would be fine if i just gave up the casino. I hate the thought of someone telling me I cant do anything (like the track). Especially since its far away and I would seldom be able to go.

Gamblers anonymous meetings…hmmmm…..really not an option. Nothing is anonymous in this crappy little town! I even contacted the employee assistance program for a therapist referral…..Ya right like I want to go to a therapist that is related to someone I work with. Someone that hasnt liked me for years because I got promoted over her and became her supervisor.

Ok so here goes…..I’m Done! D-O-N-E! Done! Maybe blogging will help. I can do this. One day at a time….I can do this. Today I will not gamble. Today. Day one-and hopefully a new start to my life. I have a lot of pieces to pick up…..So much damage has been done…..But in my head I know that if I stop gambling, those pieces wont be quite so heavy. It’s gonna take some tme…..but I can and WILL do this. I will also call employee assistance and see if I can get another referal to someone thats not related to someone I work with……

Thats it…..day 1 out (with tears)…New life here I come!

[kathryn]

Hi Eileen, I’m glad you have decided to take the leap and post, not easy I know!
I always believed I sabotaged myself over and over……reality was that I have an addiction and like any sickness I have to take my medicine. This forum is my medicine, exclusion is my medicine, reaching out for help is my medicine.
I wanted to talk to you about exclusion. Yes, it’s embarrassing, people KNOW, I was scared to death to do it but I knew if I didn’t then my life was over. I was dying of this addiction. So, I did it. I enquired on what I needed to do and just did it and while exclusion isn’t for everyone it is definitely for me. It was instant relief and in 5 1/2 years I have had 1 slip up, in between excluding! It’s worth considering, it changed my life.
You don’t have to think long term in fighting this addiction, just today, just this hour, just this minute if you have to. Don’t worry about what might happen in a month, just get through the now.
Im not sure what a biweekly loan is….doesn’t sound too good though, does your husband know about your gambling?
Eileen, you should be proud that you have started a thread here, it’s a big step. Please use the helpline and forum as much as you need, I used to write down every thought in my head. You will get so much support. I hope to hear more from you. Welcome , it’s not an easy road we walk but we walk it together and pick each other up when we stumble.
Love, K x

[eileen]

K,
Thanks for your words of encouragement. Yes my husband does know about the gambling issues…..unfortunately he shares my addiction…. He is normally with me…..while his addiction is bad he has a tiny bit more self control. Not much, but more than me. We did talk today….cut up our player cards and called the casino and asked to be removed from the mailing list. That should be a small help. We discussed how we are getting so much older and all the things we could have had if we didnt waste so much money over the last 15 years. But we decided we can cry over it or learn from it. There are so many things we will Never have because of our addiction but I guess all I can do is find new things to look forward to. One day at a time.

As far as exclusion….the place where I work can be stressful and difficult. Some of the people look for weaknesses in others and would see this as an opportunity to see me fail. That would be more stress than I need right now.

The first week will be easy,….still suffering from the damage caused…..next week will be a little rougher. I am hoping time will help and that I dont bore people on this site too much. Guess as long as I can read it and reflect, it will help me.
I have to appreciate the good things.. my beautiful family, my granddaughters, my doggies. These are the things that make me happy and I cant lose sight of that.

I havent gone more than 30 days without gambling in years…..so lets see how this goes. I can do this. I WILL do this! Thank you again for your encourgement!

[icandothis]

Hi Eileen, Welcome to Gambling Therapy. I know you can do this. You will never bore us. We understand only too well what you are going through. I could really relate to those blackouts. I recently looked at our bank statement. I knew I had spent a lot of money, but I was still surprised to see just how much. I honestly don’t remember going to the ATM that many times and taking out that much money! So hard to face the truth. Today, I fell back into my usual pattern of not liking myself and then followed it up with a bit of self-pity. But I didn’t gamble. I am glad you didn’t gamble today either. Tomorrow will be a better day because of that simple, but not always easy choice!

[Tiki456]

Eileen
Your story is so similar and am struggling with the same as many here are. I know how hard it is for you. I gambled today and felt so much remorse. am numb at first and it doesn’t hit me until it is all over. I have a stack of ATM’s for eighteen months and drained every thing I have. I don’t even go to the grocery store anymore. I pray you will feel better tomorrow and keep coming back here. I have to do more reading and understanding myself. This is a great place to start.

Tiki

[janey1]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you?re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you?re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We?re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you?re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I?m going to hand you over to our community because I?m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[kathryn]

Hi Eileen,
I giggled to myself when you talked about boring anyone here…..I have been using this site for over 5 years and the first 4 saw me post every thought that came into my head (seriously!)
I am happy to read that you and your husband are doing this together….United we stand! It will get harder, like giving birth we are programmed to forget the pain! You need to keep reminding yourself why you are here…keep,remembering! This addiction will take any small thought and turn it into 1 massive urge. Perhaps you and your husband can have a back up plan for when one or both of you gets the urge to gamble…….planning helps, keeping busy helps, set yourselves small goals, a date night, the movies, a tub of delicious ice cream to share….small steps, one day at a time.
Take care, love K xx

[eileen]

First of all I thank everyone for their words of encouragement. Today is the day I would normally gamble…..Its the weekend and I am off of work…..I decided to go to church instead. What a great feeling it was. I must say it was tempting though. Both church and the casino are in the next town over. I think my car knows its own way to the casino….I can just put it on autopilot!

Anyway, as I got to church, I thought to myself, I can swing by on my way home and nobody would even know. Then I heard the ‘scrooge’ message at church about how the Scrooge got a second chance after seeing the ghosts from the past, present and future. The pastor talked about how we can pray and let God show us the same thing. Learning from our past and not letting it control our future- And having the opportunity to live our life in a way that would make us happy.

Well I followed his advice. After Church I headed home….had lunch with my husband and came home to work on things I have been neglecting. I am hoping this will create a sense of accomplishment.

Tomorrow will be the real test. The Casino sends me money every week to come back. My usual motto is just to go spend the money they gave me and go home…..(never the case)… My new motto is Dont do it! $50 from them is normally several hundred out of my bank account. I will remember this! Part of myself is nagging saying just an hour….just the $50….you could win…..what would it hurt….etc etc…..

Well to answer that question to myself….it would hurt me….hurt my pride and I would let myself down. Letting myself down leads to more gambling and more depression. As I type this I realize I have never gone more than 30-45 days without gambling…..so that will be my first goal. Tomorrow will be tough but I will stay strong.

[kpat]

Hi Eileen,
Sundays, I found was a trigger day for me too. The freeplay was a trigger as well. I tried throwing them in the trash without looking, but I usually dug them out anyway! Then, we asked our kids to get the mail and toss anything out that came from the casino, but they were unreliable. I marked the emails as spam, but then I would check the spam folder. Since you are trying to do this without excluding, I thought I would mention these things as it did help sometimes. I went on and on this way for years. I think it can be done, it’s just I did not have the willpower on my own. Until I excluded, the longest I ever went is about two months. Today is two months since I excluded. I no longer get mail or email from the casino. Noone knows we did this except my family and a few choice friends. So far, it hasn’t come up at work as a destination for a party or event.
If that should happen, I think I willclaim a stomach bug or something! Lol
Actually quitting made my emotions very labile for the first month, but they seem to be evening out now. I still have urges and still want to go, but that ban was the best thing I have done to help me quit. I wish you all the best and prayers for your recovery.

[eileen]

Kpat,

I think you hit the nail right on the head! I’ve done some of the same things. Flyers in the trash etc- I feel pretty motivated today. But every hour or so it crosses my mind- should I christmas shop and just swing by there? It’s so damn tempting. Therefore I have decided to have a jammy day lol- If I’m not up and dressed then I won’t take any detours. I’m sure once more time passes it will be easier-

So for now it’s house cleaning, movies, working on crocheted scarves for my granddaughters and a school Xmas program at 6- As tempting as it is I will say no today and I will be proud of myself later!

I also pray you will keep away – two months is absolutely awesome and I can’t wait to be able to say I’ve accomplished that as well-

[charles]

Hi Eileen,

You said something about not wanting to self exclude as people at work might see it as a weakness? Why would they need to know?

I’m in a group at the moment and for the next two hours so if you are still online maybe come in for a chat.

[Author]

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