[jennaraye88]

Hi everyone, some of you might recognize my name, I’ve been on and off this site for a couple of years. Trying and failing miserably to kick this horrendous addiction.

Things got a lot worse than ever before over the last few months. although the one positive is that it forced men to finally come clean to my boyfriend, something I never thought I’d do. He was very supportive, much more than i deserved. Many of you encouraged me to tell him a long time ago but I made my excuses and avoided. Not any more.

I’m worse off now than I’ve ever been in my life. Worked full time since the day I left school 10 years ago and have nothing but a mountain of debt to show for it.

I’ve started attending GA meetings and I am finding them really helpful. It’s just nice to be in a room full of people who know exactly what im going through – looking back I regret not getting my ass to them much sooner but hey ho.

Really struggling with the depression side of this addiction at the minute though. My boyfriend works away five days a week so I have an awful lot of time on my own. Most of which I have spent crying over the last few weeks. I hate myself and feel worthless. I’ve got no drive, enthusiasm or will to get out of bed in the morning. But I have to – without my job I’ll be bankrupt with all my loans and with all the money I owe my parents they’d probably have to sell their home.

Anyway, I’m exhausted so I’m gonna drag myself to bed for another night of needed to sleep but just tossing and turning with anxiety.

Hopefully my next post will be more positive but don’t guarantee it.

Stay safe everyone, we’ve got a hell of a battle on our hands.

[theone12221]

Hi Jenna,

I’m sure you don’t need me to say it but this will be the toughest battle of your life. Well done on opening up with your boyfriend and starting GA. These are great positive steps towards your recovery. As for the depression side of things please seek further medical assistance with that. Gambling and depression are often tied closely together.

But these steps alone are still NOT enough. Emotional support is great but you really need to start taking proactive steps for disallowing yourself from any future gambling. There are two things you must consider if you truly want to stop gambling:

1) Self-exclusion: this one goes without saying. Any casinos/bookies/slots venue or online casino you use? Close your accounts and self-exclude now.

2) Limiting access to funds and/or handing over your finances: cut up your cards and carry around limited cash. Put any savings away into a non-accessible place. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Now that you’ve told your partner about your problem, it would be immensely helpful if you handed over full control of your finances to him. Have your salary go into his account/a joint account. Ask him to monitor the account closely and only grant you access to funds you need for legitimate expenses. I’m certain he would be more than willing to assist you in this regard.

Take these steps and coupled with your GA and treatment for depression, you will be well on your way to recovery. You are still very young and have a long future ahead of you. You CAN be a daughter and gf to be proud of. You CAN become a great wife and mother one day. The addiction is the one telling you you can’t. The addiction wants you to play the victim card. Because when you do, it gives you an EXCUSE to keep gambling and in that way, the addiction wins. You must ultimately learn to control the addiction in the long term but at this stage prevention will be critical in the short term. Good luck and keep posting here !

[jennaraye88]

Thanks Theone for taking the time to read my post and responding – I thrive off the support of other people and their positivity and encouragement. Much appreciated. I have indeed self excluded from every single place I can think of. Unfortunately handing over finances isn’t as easy, my job requires a lot of traveling and hotels, meals etc. and whilst I can and do claim this all back from my company, I have to pay it out in the first instance and therefore need access to cash in order to perform my duties. I have however made a call to a local counselling charity specialising in gambling addictions and have my first 1-1 session in a couple of weeks so that’s another step in the right direction.

Never thought I’d say this 24 hours ago but I already feel a tiny bit better. Because of work I had missed two GA meetings in a row but went back tonight and it was exactly what I needed. Attending those meetings reminds me that I’m not alone in this battle. I put off going to group meetings for years through fear and also because I was scared to admit I was out of control, but now they are my lifeline. For anyone who tries to ‘do it alone’ I would honestly urge you (as a previous sceptic myself) to just pluck up the courage and walk through the door – it will be the best decision you ever make.

I don’t post on other peoples journals very often because I don’t have access to a computer at home, I use my phone which can take a while! I do read the other posts on here though on a daily basis and would like you all to know that my thoughts are always with my fellow fighters.

It’s Friday tomorrow which fills me with excitement, I LOVE the weekends and not just because it’s a break from work. My boyfriend works away Monday-Friday and we always make an effort to spend our Saturday’s and Sundays doing nice things together and seeing friends/family. I almost forget how much I’ve f*cked my life up of a weekend because he makes me feel like I actually deserve to walk the earth. I know I shouldn’t rely on someone else to make me feel good though and that’s why I’m seeking help to try and find a way to love myself. That could take a while.

I’m happy to say that today has been better than yesterday. Why? Because it’s another day I haven’t gambled. Of that I’m certain.

Tomorrow will be better still.

[velvet]

Hello Jennaraye and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you?re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you?re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We?re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you?re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I?m going to hand you over to our community because I?m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[jennaraye88]

As suspected I had an absolutely fantastic weekend. Spent Saturday at my moms house, my brother and sister were there too and my niece and nephew, they are so adorably innocent and hilarious. I hope some day I am fit to be a mother.

Went out with my boyfriend and a couple of friends yesterday, the weather was incredible! We were outside at a local country estate and we all had a picnic and drinks, it was just a perfect summers afternoon.

Unfortunately nothing lasts forever and my fella drove back to work for the week yesterday evening. Although on the plus side the fact nothing lasts forever also means that maybe, just maybe, this horrendous guilt for my addiction will some day leave me too.

Today has been an ok day as far as Monday’s go. Decent day at work and when I got back I decided to go for a run, something I haven’t done for years. Nearly talked myself out of it 10x but eventually bit the bullet. Jeeezz it was hard work!!! Didn’t manage to get very far before the run turned into a power walk! I suppose I have to start somewhere though.

One thing I’ve noticed is that I struggle when I’m on my own to focus on one thing. Once I had been for the run, showered, packed work stuff for tomorrow, cooked and ate tea – you would think I’d be happy for the chilled time on the sofa with the remote. But it’s like my brain can’t just relax and focus on one thing g when I’m alone. Watching a film with my fella is fine I can concentrate, but being on my own I’m constantly preoccupied whether it be texting my friends, checking social media, reading the news etc etc. I just can’t seem to switch off until the second I get into bed. Although that doesn’t always provide much respite either.

Anyway I’m off to London for work for the day tomorrow so have an early train to catch. Hope everyone is staying strong throughout the battle.

In unity

[jennaraye88]

I’ve had a couple of really busy days at work, 7am starts and not getting home until 8pm. But they have been very productive, which I’m sure wouldn’t have been the case of I’d still been trapped in the web of gambling. I’d have spent a lot of time worrying, stressing, feeling sick. Wondering how on earth I would pay the next bill or fill my car with diesel to get to work.

Im still struggling to come to terms with the losses but I suppose that will come with time. At the moment I am concentrating on my job and my health. I’ve started exercising for the first time in years and can feel muscles I thought had disappeared forever! I’ve also been cooking my meals from scratch with plenty of fresh veg, meat, fish etc. Just other ways of occupying my mind I suppose.

I know one of my many bad traits is lack of patience. I’ve struggled to wait for anything – especially the time it will take to heal all the wounds I have created financially, mentally, physically. But this is something I am working on; taking one day at a time and concentrating on small goals one at a time.

Back to my GA meeting tomorrow so looking forward to that. Hope everyone out there is well.

In unity

[charles]

Good to hear you sounding positive Jenny. Well done on the steps you are taking. Keep posting here, keep up your GA meetings. You can be patient with your recovery – one day at a time.

[jennaraye88]

Thanks Charles for your post – I’d like to think I’m doing all the right things but I VERY NEARLY ruined the small steps into progress I have made.

I’m working away from home at the moment so am alone, although this is normally the case when I’m home too. Anyway, one of the barriers which I am unable to put up is the ‘no access to money’. My job includes a lot of travel, lunches, hotels etc., which I have to pay for myself and claim back. So in order to keep this job (which I simply must or I’ll be beankrupt!) I need to have money available.

Well despite the fact that I have self excluded from every single sote I’ve ever come across, one must have slipped through the net as I had an email earlier saying ‘we miss you – here’s a VIP bonus for you!’ Crap crap crap.

I clicked on the link.

Opened up one of my (old) favourite slots.

Signed in.

Had a little dabble in ‘pretend money’ mode to start…

Then lost every penny of that very quickly.

It’s a good job really because it reminded me of how quickly my money disappears when I play such high money spins. But I would never play a low money spin anyway because the ‘winnings’ would never be big enough.

If I had won a lot of pretend money in demo mode o may well have gone on to deposit.

I really need to get a blocker on my phone. Immediately. I feel so vulnerable. So close to inevitable heartbreak, upset, anxiety, destruction.

I simply cannot go back to that place again , I don’t think I’d ever come back.

[Author]

Posts