[dehzao]

DAY #1

I think I have identified my issue a bit soon, which I am thankful for. I am also thankful for my job, for my life and for my health. I know there isn’t the usual way to start a addiction stop journal, but that’s the shift of focus I need. I’ve lost 3k in the last 2 weeks, I have never had a similar problem before the last two weeks, but I know I have this issue in my genes since my father was a degenerate gambler, so that’s how I know this problem can get deeper if I don’t treat it right now and that is what I am doing.

These 3k was not only money, it was my passport to a better life somewhere else, I’ve anticipated receiving this cash and was planning to move and live by myself, now I won’t do it this month anymore. But that is quite a few compared what could be lost, so I rather adopt this perspective. Always.

Stopping and breaking the habit is tough, very tough. I’ve blocked around 15 gambling sites a few days ago only to find another one today and saying to myself it was a small controlled time to do so. Bullshit, my brain currently can’t stop when chasing losses unfortunately. Here in my country I don’t have an option to block my registration in ALL gambling sites, so there is always another one and that makes it tougher.

Anyway, this is my first day. I don’t know very well what to say to start this journal. But I know exactly why I am doing it. I am here to commit myself to come here everyday and talk, speak everything and focus for it not to happen again. I HAVE TO. Even though I am keeping a positive mentality this already harmed me very, very much. Like, very very much!!! So I compromise myself to stop it day by day, whatever it takes. Period.

What I’ve lost is already lost. Gone. Goodbye. Arrivederci. Adios. Adeus. Au revoir. I accept that I LOST this money and I will never try to get it back. I have lost 3k and I it is never to be seen again by gambling. Everytime I go and gamble I will lose for sure. Gambling is losing money. If that help me, I also think is rigged and impossible not to be. If so, it is only stupid to go and do it again, so I won’t.

This is my first day and I have a bright future without it. But I gotta heal myself and stay alert every minute, every hour, every day. There’s no more “only one time”, or “only two hours”. That does not exist. I will heal. I am better than this. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I believe there is no easy money and am determined to work hard and smart for it and monitor myself for never thinking otherwise again. God will help me too. And I hope I can start changing my perspective of life so I don’t fall for this stupidity anymore.

With all my heart and until tomorrow.

[Dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[kin]

Hi dehzao,

Thank you for sharing.

Looking forward to your next post.

[dehzao]

So I am here again. Three months after my last post. It wasn’t the last day I’ve gambled. I don’t think even today will be the last as well unfortunately. Things got worse in terms of addiction.

Those $3k turned into a $9k loss. Until one month ago I’ve hitted a $10k jackpot. I thought finally I was free and could tell I even ended up with a $1k profit. I was quite wrong. My girlfriend saw a print screen named “crazy-time.jpg” on my desktop, which was the print screen of the value I got on the jackpot and asked to play online with me a little and I did. Nothing too wrong, we lost $200 in the name of the fun. Then the next day I’ve gambled more $1k and turned into $3k., Now I was on a $3k profit after being $3k down. That was it, I soon forgot all my previous struggle and thought I was invincible.

One week later I played more and more and got into a net loss of -$6k. I was feeling the stupidest man alive. Then last week I’ve hitted a $45k jackpot. The emotion was insane. Now I was on a $39k profit. And I’ve came to know I wasn’t even half before as I am today. Gaining months of my salary all at once was the very peak of my addiction and I chased that emotion relentlessly for the last few days.

On the same day I’ve hitted the jackpot, due to withdrawal limit policies of online casinos that only allow a $5k withdraw per day (a big fat BS) I’ve lost $15k of that $45k. My girlfriend told me “it’s okay, you are still about $24k up” but of course a junkie don’t think that way. He thinks “I must go after those $15k, after all, if it happened twice, it can happen a third time”.

Until then, I’ve lost more $10k and am trying to be happy for being $14k up, but of course, I can’t. Now, I am playing 10 hours a day and it is all I care about, hitting another big jackpot.

Thankfully I’ve set deposit limits to not go crazy, but still, the temptation is hard.

I have no life, I don’t go well at my job, I forgot key aspects of my life and only care about feeling that again. I know it can destroy me big time, however, my mental health struggles and dopamine addiction asks for it, just like it asks for a cigarette. I can only gamble and smoke since then and I WANNA STOP! I WANNA LIVE!

If you’re reading this, please, don’t EVER think to yourself your debt is the problem and when you got it back you will stop. It’s not like that. If you ever got it back, you will think you can profit. If you profit small, you will think you can profit big and so on. You are addicted to gambling just like me. Let’s stop this together as soon as possible. Let’s live the full live. Let’s get strong.

Won’t be easy to fight it but we can do it.

For me now it is quite hard, but I want to take the necessary steps to make this my turning point.

My last session was 1 hour ago, unfortunately.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by dehzao.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by dehzao.

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