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I’m back posting again. It’s Carole under a new name. Back to my routine of cleaning, dogs, and grandchildren. We have a bear climbing into the metal dumpster at the end of our lane. Danny has seen it and so has one of the renters. Got into the Jodi Arias trial in Phoenix on the day the prosecution did its closing arguments. That was past exciting to see the people I have watched on TV from the start of the trial over 4 months ago. Nancy Grace hugged me after she finished her show. Bought the book The 5 Love Languages at the airport, which I’ve been wanting to read. Today is my 3rd attempt at evicting one of my renters. Today I went to clean the renters’ house, and in my bathroom was a woman brushing her teeth, who explained to me that her name was Nicole and that my renter had let her stay with him, as she said she needed a "place to crash." The renter is married and a person who frequents strippers. I had to vacuum all the glitter off the floor in his room. This guy has boundary issues. Danny goes back to work tomorrow morning. My 8 year old granddaughter had a classmate share today that his step-father killed himself 2 days ago. I’m going to have my 2 granddaughters on the weekend for a sleepover, and am going to take them to the local fair. Hope everyone is well and gamble free. Carole
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Hi Carole, I posted on my thread to you before I saw your new thread. I am okay, just having a bad day, keep thinking of Hubby. Tomorrow will be better. Sorry to hear that your Granddaughter had to hear of her classmate’s step fathers suicide. The child probably needed to share and talk to someone. OMG, Your renter and his stripper friend need to leave. You have your hands full. Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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Hey Carole,
Glad you had such a good time.
Being at a well know trial is not something I could ever imagine doing. You are so brave just to go do things. I still find myself paralized with fear when it comes to "unknown" things! I am sure I mentioned I am a tourest in my own town.
Off to am early Dr appt in about 45 minutes-he will decide if I go back to work tomorrow or in another week.
Hope to talk soon!
bettie -
Originally posted by desdemona
I’m back posting again …
Good morning Desdemona aka Carole,
It is good to see you back posting. Good, although not entirely good for you in all ways, to see you speaking of problems other than those of gambling. Living a more normal life has its ups and downs; but they are not near as devastating as the dispair we add on our own by making wrong choices involving gambling. And as with the character your new name represents, all may not be marry but you fight off the bad by continuing to strive for and hold onto the good.
God’s speed. Stay strong. LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free. -
(((Bettie))) (((Larry))) (((Liz)))- thanks for your kind posts! I do have many fears as you won’t find me jumping out of a plane or bungee jumping. But when it comes to things I love, like true crime, I’m in there!! It’s a need in me to find out why people do such despicable things to other people, as well as a need to see justice served, and for that perpetrator to be safely behind bars, so that they can’t hurt others. The evicted renter came over last night with a big bouquet of flowers and a card begging to be able to stay, but I told him I wasn’t doing this with him anymore. I refused the flowers and card but I did give him till Saturday 7:00 pm to move, so he can find a place. Now if he had brought me a big box of chocolates……………….. I need to go clean the renters’ house and launder some of their bedding. Carole
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Dar ((((Carole)))) great to see you back posting as you have been missed. So sorry that you had all the problems with the renter. You be careful as you never know with people as they can be vindictive so just be careful. I think the fact that he could not go away quietly speaks volumes about the type of person he is. It sounds as if he wanted to control the situation and he was going to show you. It was interesting that the Police were not going to do anything about it until you mentioned phoning the company he worked at and also the *****. I can understand what Danny means by having his brother come though as then it shows him that you have other males around the place. I am so glad that you and Liz had a good visit. Take care, talk to you soonOne day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thank you (((Friends))) for your supportive posts. I’ve been doing well and been busy with mostly cleaning and laundering bedding since I got home. Cat- I can’t believe that the police said he wasn’t doing anything criminal so they weren’t going to escort him off my property, until I said that I was going to call his employer. He’s a total control freak and he thought I’m sure that he was going to beat me at my own game. I have another renter who is a foreman at the same company and who works with Rob. He said that he had a little talk with Rob yesterday, and told him to stay away from my property and that the company would take a dim view of his actions towards me. Summer has arrived here. The leaves are blooming and it has been hot. Wednesday I am driving my granddaughter to her mental health appointments. My daughter will come over and do what ***** to be done at the renters’ house, and make sure the dogs are taken care of. Tomorrow I am having my winter tires changed out to my summer tires. No gambling urges but need to stay on guard and not access any money. It’s a crazy disease because even though I don’t enjoy gambling, I still have done it. Go there hoping to win some money, and then feeling stressed out when the machine keeps eating my money so fast, hoping to win back the money I have lost, and occasionally winning it back, only to lose it again, and then go get more money to continue gambling well past the point of exhaustion. Who in their sane mind does that?? Carole
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Hi Carole, I have not seen you post for a few days, but I am presuming that you have been busy with the garage sale. I am sure that you are happy that it is over. I don’t think people realize how much work they are. I hope that it went well. I really miss when I come here and don’t see any posts from you. I had a great visit with my grandsons, but I noticed that I felt a bit down afterwards as I was missing them. We did a Skype on Sunday so that has helped again. We are selling our trailer that we bought a couple of years ago. The site we had it parked at was right on the water, but it was a small camp site with only about 8 trailers and very remote and we are thinking of getting one out East close to our son, his wife and our grandsons. We will have to sell this one first and then we will decide. Please post soon to let us know you are okay. Take care Carole!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thank you (((Liz))), (((Cat))), and (((Neva))) for your kind posts. Sorry to say I gambled yesterday. It was a deliberate choice on my part, as I had to go into the bank to get enough money to gamble with. I had originally had an appointment for 3:00 for my eyelashes and I was out of there by 3:45 and my bank closes at 4:00. I thought the bank would be closed by the time my appointment was over as it usually takes an hour, as they attach longer individual lashes to your own lashes. My plan had been to got to walmart after my appointment and pick up cases of water. Prior to the appointment I had spent several hours cleaning the renters’ house. I wanted some "relax" time away from grandkids as they are in and out of my place throughout the day. Not a good choice on my part but it is what it is, and today is a new day. I told my husband about it on the phone, and he didn’t get angry or make derogatory comments. He is home tomorrow to go away on a golfing trip with a friend in southern Alberta. Today I will make it to Walmart as I will take a grandchild with me. Having my coffee and then off to do more cleaning and laundry. Carole
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Hi Carole: I have a feeling I didn’t thank you for your lovely post on my thread a while back. If that’s the case, please accept my heartfelt thanks. I’m sorry to hear that you gambled. Your honesty and quick return to the forum is commendable though. Having a slip, in itself, isn’t so terrible. It’s what it does to us for the long term that worries me. I’m hoping that this will just be a one-off for you and that you will head off any resulting urges with great success. Even better, I pray that you will have no urges … that you’ll find it was the same old, same old and would have no desire to return in the foreseeable future. Sending you hugs and thoughts of strength. RG
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Way to get back on the wagon. It would be wonderful if we never gambled again but we’re addicted and the best we can do is limit the damage should we decide to gamble. I know you’ve done that by placing limits on your ATM withdrawals so you couldn’t have gotten more money than you went in with. Recovery isn’t an all or nothing thing. You’re making progress and working recovery the best you know how…and that’s something to be proud of. Sherry
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(((Carole))) it is amazing how this addiction stays with us all the time. You have so many barriers up to protect yourself from getting cash so when you drew out the cash you did limit yourself to the damage as you could not access more cash. It is good that you are coming on GT and admitting your gambled as you are being honest with yourself and others. I think you are making yourself more accountable by posting here, and telling Danny that you gambled. I know that it is not easy. I also know that for me if I went once then I would be feeding the addiction and once would not be enough for me. I would be going back again and again and fighting to get in recovery. I don’t know if you still do your calendar with the black X when you gambled. I did that all of last year and I still have it. I was looking at it the other day and there were more nice bright green Xs on it than black, but October did not have anything on it as it was a bad month for me. I am sure if you did a calendar that you would see a big difference from when you first started recovery. Wishing you a happy and gamble free day because you are so worth it!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thank you (((Cat))), (((Neva))), and (((runninggirl))) for your kind posts. I am feeling overwhelmed though I am not complaining because I enjoy family around. I’m just not used to having family around fulltime. My oldest granddaughter is staying in my spare bedroom and she works her summer job and comes home in the evening, so I am not getting my alone relax down time I am so used to having. Danny’s daughter and three of her kids have been here 3 ***** this week while she cleans out the holiday trailer they just bought. So grandkids have been running amok everywhere. I am finding the amount of work with the renters and my own grand central station to be overwhelming. My dogs are constantly being let in and out, along with the mosquitoes. Weeding flower beds is so behind. Danny gets home mid afternoon and he isn’t going to be happy unless I get some cleaning done here before he arrives. I’m not getting enough sleep as barking dogs and a certain 4 year old granddaughter wake me up early. I just have to manage a day at a time till my daughter and son-in-law get possession of their house, which supposedly will be June 14th. I am just venting, not complaining. I know my daughter is finding it hard living in a camper and having to drive her 8 year old to school and to extra-curricular activities. I do look after the 4 year old while she is gone to the gym, as she ***** to go to keep her stress level down. Guess I’ll just attack some of this cleaning now that I’ve had coffee. Carole
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Carole, I have found it interesting as I get more "mature" that I seem to need more quiet time or space to myself. I loved all the hustle and bustle when I was younger, but now I do like alone time. It will be surprising how fast the time goes and then when everyone leaves you will be missing them and finding it too quiet. I do hate the mosquitoes though. I need to go buy some flowers and get them planted this weekend, although they are now forecasting rain!!! I will do what I can do and not stress about it. Lock yourself in your bedroom and shut everyone out to get some quiet time!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Carole, you really have lots going on right now with everyone around. I know you are not complaining as you love your family, however, it is tough when we don’t get some quiet time. You also have lot more going on with having to clean the renters place and now you have weeding to do as well. I know that I find it hard to do as much physical work as I did when I was younger. I sometimes have to remind myself that I am not a young thing anymore and to be patient with myself. The brain wants to do it, but the body is not able. LOL It would help if I lost some weight and got in shape though. I need to get off the lazy boy and start doing something about it as it will not happen magically. I wish there was a magic fairy who could just wave her wand and I was 50lb lighter. It is what it is though and I will ***** my blessings. Have a great gamble free day Carole!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thank you (((Friends))) for your kind posts. I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted yesterday and had to dig really deep to find the energy to do the things I needed to do. I did not want to go clean the renters’ house. All I wanted to do was sleep. I did it anyways so that I could reduce my sense of feeling overwhelmed. I also went to bed early and did sleep. Today my second Bouvier ***** to go to the groomers and I have a haircut appointment, and I want to color my hair. Today almost seems like a day off. When I was at the groomers yesterday with my one Bouvier, I saw a notice on the bulletin board about a 12 year old dog needing a good home. The family have moved and left the dog behind. I already have 5 dogs, four of them seniors. I keep thinking who is going to adopt a 12 year old medium size dog?? I am torn and feel like I should take the dog, but I already have so many. My dogs wouldn’t be happy with a new addition to our family, as they all want attention, though they would eventually adjust. If I asked Danny he would say go ahead, that I’m the one home with the dogs and looking after them. Carole
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Good morning (((Friends)))! The past three days have been rainy and overcast with a gazillion mosquitoes, so not conducive to outside work. Danny arrives home at midnight tonight from his 3 day golf weekend. He leaves to go back to work tomorrow later in the day. I am taking my 3 granddaughters to the movies this afternoon and need to clean my renters’ house before I do that. I looked at the 12 year old dog yesterday and it didn’t feel right for me to take it, so I decided not to. My granddaughter helped me do a pros and cons list, and the only thing on my pro list was that I would be giving the dog a good home. I am like an emotional sponge and felt depressed that someone would leave a 12 year old dog at the kennels to find a home for itself. But I reasoned that adding another dog to my 5 dogs was going to feel like another commitment and make me feel more overwhelmed. I didn’t sleep well last night and it took me hours to fall asleep. I just have to do what I need to do today despite being tired. I’m starting to plan for our cruise to Alaska at the beginning of August. I bought a cute black jacket to wear to dinner with a 50% coupon yesterday. I had four 50% coupons but the lady said I could only use one yesterday, for one item. So today I am going to go on the hunt for another piece of clothing at the big girl’s store at 50% off. Tomorrow I will do the same. Why would I pay full price when a bit of planning will get me some good pieces of clothing at half off? I love deals/steals! Carole
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(((Carole))) we have had lots of rain here as well, although the mosquitoes are not out yet. I know there will be lots of them once they come!!!! It is amazing how the time is flying for you to go on your cruise. I think an Alaskan Cruise is something that I would love to do, but hubby wants to do a road trip so he can stop and fish etc. I loved the way you described the store "the big girl’s store" it is a much better way to describe it. I always say I am going to the "fat store", which in itself is already negative before I even go. Hubby always ask if they sell fat at it. Funny little quirks that I have. We have sold the trailer, well we got a deposit on it and they are bringing the balance on Wednesday night. I don’t know why but I cant believe it sold. It did not take that long as we only put it up for sale the middle of May, but it felt that it was not selling. We will get our line of credit paid off and I am seriously thinking of a trip to Scotland in September or October. It would be something to look forward to. I hope that you get a chance to have some quiet time for yourself. Take care and have a great day!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thank you (((Cat))) and (((Sherry))) for your kind posts. I am getting some relax time as Danny has left to go back to work and I don’t have any appointments scheduled on my calendar till June 23th, on which day I will drive my granddaughter to her mental health appointment. I will also go into the Laura store and see what I can buy there for my cruise. Shopping is limited in the small community I live in. My daughter and son-in-law’s possession date for their new house is on Friday. Moving may be a bit complicated for them as it has been raining for 4 days straight with more rain predicted, and their yard is pure mud as it’s a new build and has no gravel driveway or grass. Of course there is no hurry for them to move from my property, but I’m very sure they want to get moved into their house. It’s quite a ways for my daughter to drive the girls to school and to all their activities like swimming, gymnastics, etc. from my home. I believe that you’ll go on your trip to Scotland Cat. I’m so happy for you! No more "fat girls" store for you!! Call it the big girls store, and be proud of it. Beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes!! Carole
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Hi Carole, Planning for your cruise, how exciting! I finally bought living room furniture and new mattresses for the beds yesterday. I will get them on Friday. I always love a deal, like your 50% discount on clothes. My living room set was in the clearance room. I got a good deal!! I read where you are putting your property on the market in 2014. I hope it sells so you can move here. Take care of yourself!! Miss you friend.Seize all the good things in life
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Today is partial move day to the city, and I am staying overnight, as I am moving my bed from home, instead of buying one. My friend who used to be my best friend for many, many years, has invited me over to her place for a barbecue supper. I slept poorly last night and I’m sure it’s because of all the change going on in my life now, even if I know it’s the best change for me at this stage of my life. One step at a time!
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Hi Carole, I just wanted to tell you that you are very brave and a lot stronger than you think you are. I know it must have been very hard on you to have to return the 2 dogs that you had adopted and to have to think about euthanizing your other 2 dogs. I am so glad than you found your cat!! Change is hard, even when you know it is the right thing for you. Everything will be alright, it will just take time and some adjustments. Take care of yourself and remember that I am always here for you.Seize all the good things in life
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(((Carole))) I am so glad that you found your cat and that you are moving forward with what you want to do with your life. I know that it is your choice to move, however, it is still difficult. I am hoping that you may have a couple of months to move as it may make the transition easier for you to do it gradually over two months. I am sure it felt strange being in your own apartment for the first night. I hope that you enjoyed your BBQ with your friend. It is an adjustment making a new life, but also exciting for you at the same time. Take care and you will get there one day at a time.One day at a time my sweet lord…
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I am home from the city. I had planned to only stay one overnight but ended up staying 2 overnights. The first night in my new place, I slept horribly and woke up more tired than when I went to bed. Last night I slept better than I have for a long time. My bed got moved as did the boxes I had packed. The boxes are unpacked but it was over 30 degrees in the city and I couldn’t see my way clear to washing cupboards, so I left all my kitchen stuff on the kitchen counters. I hooked up my utilities at my rental, and am waiting for a phone call about my cable and internet package. I’m getting a free 40 inch LED TV for signing up with a new account, so now I don’t have to move a TV from home to my new place. I also opened my own bank account at a bank in the city, so I made some progress. Spent the couple days I was there with my friend of over 30 years, and we picked up where we left off, even though we didn’t see each other much while I was married. I did a bit of shopping at Walmart for things like a front entrance mat, dish drying rack, kitchen garbage can, etc. I had some anxiety throughout the 2 days buy kept telling myself that I was doing well, and that kept me going. I have no need to move my bedroom armoire as there is a small walk-in ****** that has shelves. I am moving light, with only the essentials. I noticed that when I was with my friend I had anxiety about making mistakes like giving her the wrong directions, etc. My self-confidence has taken a s**t kicking for years. Carole
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Hi Carole, You are making progress. Your self confidence will return as you have to make more decisions on your own, and you will stop second guessing yourself. Things will start falling into place. I am glad you have friends in the city where you are moving as that helps a lot. You are going through big changes right now so be kind to yourself, don’t be too hard on yourself. I think of you often and I am sending you good and positive thoughts. Take care. Your friend, Liz.Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! I think of you often. I’m getting closer to having you visit me. Just as soon as I get 100% moved to the city, I’ll have time for you and I. There’s so much to do in the city and I’m excited to go to festivals and other events. I received an email about Ruffuss. A couple just lost their 12 year old Bouvier but they live in the next province so I will see if they are interested. I will be able to question them on the phone to see if I think it might be an appropriate family for Ruffuss. I feel so bad that I have to adopt him out. I made arrangements to get my cable and internet hooked up on July 19th, so will travel the night before, and make sure I’m there all day. Danny returned to the city today to fly out to work early tomorrow morning. Leaving this "marriage" is involving hard decisions when it comes to the dogs. Heart-breaking decisions! Carole
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Dear Carole, you are really facing so many challenges right now. It must be so hard letting all your dogs go as I know how much you love them. I am glad that you are doing the move to your apartment in stages as I believe the gradual process of staying a few nights at a time is easier for you. I am sure that it will get to the stage that you cant wait to get moved to your own place. I can understand why you have anxiety attacks as what you are doing is not an easy thing to do. You have definitely progressed so much in moving forward to having a life that you want. I am glad that you will have your cable, internet soon as it will help to make it more like home. It is good that Danny has gone back to work as I am sure that it is still a bit stressful and difficult for you when he is there. Take care Carole!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thank you (((Cat))) and (((Liz))) for your kind, supportive posts. They mean a lot to me. I didn’t sleep well last night hoping that the couple that called the Bouvier rescue organization would be interested in a Bouvier a province away, and most of all that they would be a loving family for my Ruffuss. Ruffuss is very attached to me as I rescued him from the SPCA, where his last owner had starved him, and to this day Ruffuss will not go into the basement, no matter what enticement he is offered. It is not a bit stressful when Danny is at home. It is very stressful as he is being abusive and blaming me for things that are not my fault at all, and getting angry about those things. He is also doing a lot of ****** talking to me, and I got angry yesterday and told him to stop as I didn’t like it. I need to move part of my sectional couch or my kitchen table and chairs to the city on the 18th, so that I have somewhere to sit other than my bed. Danny should be home by then from work so I will see if he will let me use his truck even though the truck box is small as he has a built in tool box in the truck box. It is probably good that I’m moving to the city in phases as it does give me time to adjust. I will not move till the financial agreement is in place, and Danny is working towards that goal. In the meantime I keep cleaning the renters’ house and pay myself, so that I can pay for my rent and utilities in my rental. I had lots of urges to gamble yesterday but managed not to. I keep telling myself that I need that money for my move to the city. I ordered myself a portable air conditioner yesterday for my new place as the bedroom is upstairs and heat rises. It’s been incredibly hot here for the past three days. I need to change out my curtains in my rental as they are flimsy and see through when the lights are on. I bought a pair for my living room but didn’t have anything to stand on to put them up. I love that I have stairs to get to the upstairs level, as it gives me exercise. I plan to start walking when I move. Today I will pack a box of things to move as that will be my one step closer to moving for today. Carole
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Hi Carole, It is good that you are moving in stages. I will be so glad when you are out of there for good and don’t have to listen to his anger and blaming. Just keep doing what your doing. Soon, you will be in your own place and won’t have to deal with him. Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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The good news is that I talked to the family that is interested in adopting Ruffuss. I emailed her a picture of him and we will talk after she sees him. She is a pediatric nurse and works casual only. They live on an acreage in the country like we do. Their Bouvier **** at age 12 a year ago and they now feel they are ready to adopt again, and don’t want a puppy. We both sent our emails to the rescue organization on the same day, so it could be fate. They would be adopting Ruffuss around August 24th as they are coming to Edmonton as she has family here and they go to the Fringe theatre every year. It sounds to me like it could be a match made in heaven for all of us concerned, which of course includes Ruffuss. I’ll also be glad when I finally settle in, in the city and don’t have to run back and forth. Carole
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It is very good news (((Liz)))! I still have to hear for 100% sure that they are adopting him, and I’m sure I’ll hear in the next few days. I’m 95% sure though! The prospective adoptive Mom and I talked on the phone like we were already friends and the conversation was natural and we had a few laughs. I phoned my mother today and informed her that I was leaving Danny. I packed one box today so far. I made myself a dentist appointment for cleaning and to get a filling redone that is wearing thin, for later this month. I am going to do some packing, organizing, and cleaning today of things I want to move. My casual friend Ingrid is having a garage sale on the 13th, and she invited me to participate, but I still have not decided if I will. I have lots of things to sell that I’m not taking. It was my deceased brother Ron’s birthday yesterday. The elephant in the room for me is the two old dogs that I am going to have to euthanize. I look at them and wonder how I’m going to be able to do that. Do I take them both at the same time or on different days? Danny keeps saying that Nikita did nothing wrong and now I’m going to kill her? Those kind of words wear on a person emotionally. And they are meant to! Carole
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Thank you (((Kathryn))), (((Liz))), and (((Cat))) for your support. It means so much to me that I have my friends supporting me during this time. I am starting to realize how beaten down emotionally I have become, and how much control Danny had over me. Every mean angry word he spoke to me, I took to heart. It is going to take me some time to get out from his emotional control. I’m not even sure I want to have a friendship with him after I move for good to my new rental. We aren’t friends now, so how can we be friends after I leave for good. He would still be trying to control me after I left, and that isn’t in my best interest. I can now understand how I escaped my emotional pain through gambling. Ruffuss will be going to live with a wonderful couple in August. As I said before they live on an acreage in the country just like we do, and they previously had a Bouvier, so they understand the breed. I sent them a picture of Ruffuss and they are taken with him. His new Mommy works as a pediatric nurse on a casual basis, and his Daddy is a kind and gentle man who teaches for a living. This new home is truly a gift from God. I will be able to adopt him out knowing that he is going to receive the very best care. I was overwhelmed with grief yesterday about Mic and Nikita, but am feeling somewhat better today after having a few hours of sleep last night. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am glad that you are feeling better emotionally today. That is awesome that Ruffuss is going to such a great home!! Once you are in your new place, you can get a clear head and be able to make decisions as whether having a friendship with Danny is a good thing for you. Take care. Seize all the good things in life
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I rented a 14 foot U haul today and loaded all my furniture in it, and will drive to the city early tomorrow morning. They gave me zero orientation on driving the truck. It took me no time at all to figure out how to drive the truck. So far I have nobody to unload my heavy leather sectional at the other end, but I’ll figure it out. I want to have a comfortable apartment for when I spend time in the city. According to Danny, I’m responsible for the renters’ house even when he is home. I will hire someone to clean when I want to go to the city. He is going to freak out that I moved my furniture so soon. But he is not the boss to me anymore. Carole
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I’m up early today to go to the city. It’s rainy here and I’m wondering if it’s raining in the city. I got up early so that I can go do some cleaning in the renters’ house before I drive to the city, unload furniture, and then drive back. I am taking Ruffuss with me as he has become my shadow since the other dogs left. Carole
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Dear (((Carole))) OMGosh is what I am thinking!!! You really are moving forward and getting your own space all ready for you. I think that you may have moved emotionally into your new space and all you are waiting for is the financial aspect to be sorted out. It will be wonderful for you to have the apartment to go to when Danny is home as it will be your own safe haven. It makes sense to have comfort there when you do stay. It will really start to be your "home" as you have your own things around and get it organized the way you want it. I want you to know that I am thinking about you. One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks (((Liz))) and (((Cat))) for your kind posts. I’m home from the city and the U Haul was returned in one piece thanks to one of my renters who got rained out from having to work today, and who drove it. I paid him and he and my granddaughter unloaded the truck for me. It really is starting to look like my place now, with my furniture there. I think tomorrow I will take a day off from moving forward. I’m just going to clean the renters’ house and pack one box. There was some kind of a festival today a couple streets from where I live in the city, and I was thinking that it would have been so nice to go, but I had to make it home at a reasonable hour as my granddaughter works tomorrow. Carole
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Hi Carole, Wow, that really worked out with the renter and your Granddaughter being able to move the furniture to your new place. Everything is falling into place. You have had a lot to deal with lately, maybe tomorrow you could take it slow and relax a little. Remember self care?? My condo is still a work in progress. I love my living room furniture and new TV. When I get this condo thing (with Husband’s Daughter) worked out this fall, I am going to get new flooring, ect.. I can’t wait, it gives me something to look forward to. When you get all moved and are settled in your new place for awhile, I would like to visit, if you think it would be ok. I can always sleep on a sofa, I am good with that. I miss you and I want you to know that I am here for you!!! Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Carole))) you have achieved so much in such a short time, although as I know it has been a long time coming, it’s just that everything seems to be moving forward so fast now. It must be wonderful to know that you have your furniture moved as I am sure it has been praying on your mind how to get it done. It is wonderful how it worked out that one of the renters was available to help as you knew that you needed help to move your furniture. You know that you can move the boxes by yourself, when and as it pleases you. I am sure that knowing you can stay in your own apartment when Danny is back is a big relief to you. It will be fun for you to make the apartment your own. I am sure that you are impatient to get moved for good!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thank you (((Cat))) and (((Liz))) for your kind posts. If it wasn’t for the GT community and the friends I have met and made from this site, I would still be gambling compulsively and still being in an emotionally abusive relationship. I would not have the self-awareness that I now have, the emotional support, or the confidence to be moving forward in a new life. So for this I thank every single person who has supported me in the past 2 1/2 years, and made me stronger in my recovery. Not only do we recover from compulsively gambling, but we recover emotionally, which is such a great gift we get. That had been preying on my mind how I was going to move my furniture to the city, so moving it yesterday was a great relief. I now have everything I need there and just have a couple boxes to pack with office supplies, my sewing machine, and a small white Christmas tree. My car can take that in one load. And my Cat!!!! A big fat orange cat named Ferris. So all in all, I’m feeling good. I have emotionally left the relationship, though at ***** feel sorry for Danny that he lost someone good that he didn’t value. It is what it is! The end of a dream of retiring together and having a good relationship. I have let that go. I can only control me. And leaving this relationship I am taking back my control. And Liz you can sleep in my bedroom. My leather sectional has a Cleopatra lounge chair and I move another piece of the sectional to the end of the lounge and I have a very comfortable bed. As soon as I move in for good, let’s see each other and go out and have some Edmonton fun!!! Carole
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Hi Carole, Don’t you like the way I have invited myself to your place? Only good friends would feel comfortable doing that. I am glad that you have moved most of your things and are getting settled into your new place. I am having a rough time now, still grieving and dealing with my out of control Daughter. Oh well, I will get through this too!! Hope that the financial legal stuff gets worked out soon so you can move on and start your new life. You deserve happiness and peace. Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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(((Lizzy)))! I posted to you on your thread. Yesterday and today are the first days where I have not been busy in my head with this moving to the city. As crazy as it sounds, I felt lonely yesterday and missed Danny. I had to ask myself what I miss, the anger, blaming, criticizing, berating, etc. Surprisingly my gambling urges have been slight lately, and I believe that I had to deal with the reasons I was gambling before the addiction lossened its strong hold on me. Then a person ***** to deal with the "habit" of gambling. I will be attending some sort of recovery group in the city. And of course looking for work and then working outside my home which is something I haven’t done for many years. I believe that working will add a whole new dimension into my life. Exhaustion!! LOL! My daughter and her family are travelling to Manitoba today to visit my mother, my aunt and my cousin. I am getting a haircut today and a brow wax, and may even shave my legs. I need a pedicure desperately. I go to those Asian businesses where a person just walks in and takes their chances as to whether they have to wait or not. The women there speak in their native language and I always imagine that they are making nasty comments about the condition of your feet, and your weight. They are always so petite. I had my legs waxed there last time and it hurt. I won’t be doing that again!!! I also need to color my hair. I’ll have to wait until my granddaughter gets over being sick with strep throat so she can do it for me. I now have time for some self-care which has been put on the back burner in the past while. I am also going to renew my driver’s license for 5 years today. And clean the renters’ house. Carole
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Hi Carole, Thanks for your post on my thread. Find out the dates in August and if it is good with you, then I will come for a visit. It’s normal to feel lonely and it will take you some time emotionally to disengage yourself from Danny’s emotional hold. I am glad that your gambling urges have been slight. I have had a few urges but haven’t acted upon them. We know that is not the answer. Have fun getting beautified!!! You deserve it!! Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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Carole, I just read your post on my thread. Yes, it’s time for me to say enough with my Daughter. Sadly, I think that my Husband passing away and that I am left alone to deal with it has changed my way of thinking about things and my tolerance level. Come on, I’ve been dealing with her addiction for 9 years. How long do you want me to stay when I visit??? Let me know and I will book my flight. Then I will call you with the details. I’m excited too!!!Seize all the good things in life
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The sun is shining and I’m having my morning coffee, trying to wake up. I didn’t sleep well last night. The lady from the couple who are adopting Ruffuss in later August phoned me for reassurance that I hadn’t changed my mind about letting them adopt Ruffuss. I assured her that there was no way that I was staying in this marriage, so no way that I was changing my mind. We chatted about Ruffuss and her last Bouvier for about an hour. From the very first conversation we had, we had a natural rapport and even friendship of sorts. If I had a check list of what I wanted for a new home for Ruffuss, every box would be checked off with this couple. The conversation hit my heart and not my head that I am going to have to walk away from Ruffuss when the couple take him as their own. Ruffuss will be depressed and confused for a time after they take him, as that is how he reacts to change. With the other dogs and the furniture leaving my home in the past 2 weeks, he is just starting to feel a bit relaxed. He still shadows me but not as much. I know he will bond with these people but the thought of Ruffuss being distressed for a time breaks my heart. I am excluded from every casino in Alberta which is a great thing, so moving to the city is not going to be a temptation to gamble. I may take Liz to the Tuesday evening recovery group on Tuesday night at the addictions agency, if our schedule accommodates that. It’s a no pressure support group lead by someone who is not a compulsive gambler, but who understands addiction. One of the compulsive gamblers that occasionally attends threw himself into educating himself during his recovery, and now has a PHD. I’m toying with the idea of auditing an anthropology evening course at the University for interest sake. No papers to do, no exams to write, so no pressure. It’s going to take me time to get out of the mindset that I have to report to Danny what I’m doing and where I’m at. Carole
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Carole, It was good to chat with you this morning. I sent you a email with my flight # and time! I am very excited! I would be up to going to the recovery group meeting with you. I am so happy that Ruffuss will be going to a great home. I will give you a call soon! Take care!Seize all the good things in life
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Whew! I made it home safely without gambling. I took Ruffuss and he and I drove to a town 2.5 hours round trip so that I could get a new CPAP machine while I’m still on Danny’s benefits. He loves car rides and cheeseburgers from McDonald’s. I had urges and entertained thoughts of gambling, but I had my number one barrier with me, and I wasn’t going to make him sit in the car while I gambled. I had to pay $2,609 out of pocket until the insurance company reimburses Danny. Spending that amount of money sobered me up because I didn’t want to spend anymore money today gambling. I even stopped off at the bank machine and paid a bill that I can’t pay online as I have to do a meter reading, so it would have been real easy to go in and get cash. Thankfully rationality prevailed so I have another gamble free day today. Thankfully it’s cooled off today as well. Carole
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With this addiction I can be going along fine with no urges for quite some time, and then bang, urges come on sometimes for several days at a time. I entertained the thought to gamble today, but instead of gambling I reached out for support. I spoke to Charles and that helped and also asked Danny to talk to me about why I shouldn’t gamble. I was feeling bored as I had nothing that interested me in doing today. With Charles’ help I was able to identify some things I could do instead of gambling. I will be going to town later today with just one debit card with a $100 ATM withdrawal limit, instead of two debit cards. That was a barrier that came to my mind when speaking to Charles so I got up and took the second debit card out of my wallet and placed it on the stove. I am going to buy myself something today for not gambling and will visit my ill granddaughter. I’m taking Ruffuss with me so that’s another barrier. One day is all I need to get through. Danny reminded me of how wretched I would feel after gambling. My bank closes in 5 hours for the weekend. Carole
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The unconscious mind is a powerful thing. I took a nap this afternoon as I was feeling tired. HALT- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired! Any one of these can make a person more susceptible to gamble. I realized after I got up what has been bringing on my urges. They started when my daughter and her family drove to Winnipeg. I grew up in Winnipeg and my family of origin still lives there, including my pedophile father. I realized today that I have been stressed out about them going to Winnipeg. It’s like I’m the one who has gone there, and is experiencing the stress of being there and seeing people like my mother and my Aunt who is supportive but sometimes makes mean comments to me over the phone. She thinks she knows everything, much like Danny does. I know I am an emotional sponge for people I care about and their feelings. but this is crazy even to me, as to why I would have this emotional reaction. My daughter is travelling home tomorrow so that will put my mind at ease. Carole
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I did a bit of research and I have a name for what I need to deal with. It’s called emeshment and it has to do with taking on the emotions of people I care about, as if they were my own. It has to do with developing emotional boundaries. I didn’t learn boundaries as a child living with a pedophile father who criticized us constantly, a rageaholic mother who would be physically violent with us as children with behaviors like slapping us in the face and kicking us. According to the literature I read, people who grow up in real dysfunctional homes may try and raise their own children in as functional home as they can, and become emeshed in their children’s emotional lives. I didn’t have a positive emotional life growing up so I tried to protect my children’s feelings from anything negative, which is not a good thing, as they don’t learn all the coping skills they need in life. My daughter and I did the same thing with my oldest granddaughter and she didn’t develop many coping skills for adversity. She has been mentally ill for several years but thankfully to the intensive mental health treatment she gets, she is learning the coping skills she *****. So now that I understand what I need to deal with, I will have to research how to get unemeshed. For me recovery has been about pulling weeds out with the root and all. Some people say that a person doesn’t have to understand why they gambled, but for me it’s important that I do, and that I address my emotional issues, in order to live the life I want to live. Something I find helpful when I have thoughts of gambling is to visualize me dancing with the devil. I don’t dance well so if I choose to dance with the devil, he always dances better than I do and he’s being charming, as he is a pro at being deceitful. So if I don’t dance with him, he doesn’t suck me in to gambling and feeling bad about myself. Another thing I notice is that when I’m not gambling, my spirituality has room to come through. Recovery has taught me so very much. It isn’t about perfection for me but rather of progress. Of dealing with emotional issues and getting healthier emotionally. Carole
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I made an effort to get out there today and do some things as I was feeling bored. I went to see a movie with my granddaughter (Grownups 2), went for supper to the hotel café, with Ingrid my casual friend, and then Ingrid and I went to Walmart. Small town living! I’m disappointed that Cat isn’t going to be able to come meet us, as I’m sure Liz will be. Carole
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Whohoo! Coffee, shower, load my vehicle, and off I go to the city for 2 weeks. No cleaning to do except my own suite. Liz and I are going on our roadtrip as well as exploring Edmonton. We are going to go on a glacier tour in a vehicle that looks like a bus with skiddo tracks in Banff, and are going to soak in the hot springs. I’m hoping we can go and have high tea at the Chateau Lake Louise. I was up at 7:00 am this morning. Carole
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Hope you and Lizbeth have a wonderful time together, Carole! The trip to Ireland should have been next week. I had hols booked for that!
Maybe next year!
I am totally tuned into what’s going on in your life Carole but have not had the mental or physical energy to put any comments in writing.
You know I wish you well and hope you are making the right moves. You are in my thoughts and prayers. We will catch up when I clear up some of the overwhelming issues at work.
I wish I could just allow everything to sail over my head like so many people do, but I’m like a dog with a bone when someone tries to silence me! I won’t give in! I suppose that’s why I continued to gamble against all the odds! I would not allow it to get the better of me.
I need to learn "when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em" as the song says! -
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Thank you (((Vera))) and (((Sherry))) for your posts. Vera- the rest of the song goes " Know when to walk away, know when to RUN……..LOL! Some of us take longer to learn when to run. Liz and I have been on the go since she arrived here. Today we went to Heritage Days where many countries have pavilions where they showcase their foods and dance, as well as you can buy souvenirs from that country. It was a hot day and we ate lots but probably the best thing we ate was the premium ice cream we bought from a guy with a cart. We walked a lot and it is a hot day, so we didn’t make our venture out a whole day affair. We came home and us old gals laid down for an afternoon rest, which was my idea. Yesterday we went to the Space Sciences Centre to the Body Works display. Liz said she had wanted to go to that when it had come where she lives, but hadn’t gone, so we went. I was as nauseous the second time around just like the first time I had gone. Real bodies that have been plasticined to show how the inside of the body looks like. We went to West Edmonton Mall to show Liz the attractions in the mall, like the Olympic size skating rink, the huge water wave park, Galaxyland which is a whole carnival of rides, the lifestyle replica of Christopher Columbus’ ship the Santa Maria, etc. The mall has its own big casino but I didn’t show her THAT! Then we had a pizza party with my awesome adult granddaughter, and my friend Valerie, who is a natural born story teller. I laughed till I had a stomach ache. I don’t know what the plan is for the evening, but I’m sure we’ll come up with one. Carole
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The plan we came up with for yesterday evening was to go out for supper and then go to a comedy club. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much or so ridiculously. Today we just chilled in our pjs. We aren’t Everready *******, and couldn’t keep going and going…..They say the road to **** is paved with good intentions. My intention was to **** supper today, but after ****** around for most of the day, I wasn’t feeling like ****ing, so we went out for supper. In the morning we are leaving for Banff for a few days. Carole
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So sorry to hear that Sandra/Gams passed away. She was an integral part of Safe Harbour and we talked and laughed together on many occasions. On a lighter note, Liz and I are back from our mini-vacation to Banff, Lake Louise, and the Columbian Icefields. We drove on a glacier that is as thick as the Eifel Tower is tall. I know that my driving scared Liz on more than one occasion. How is that distracted driving when a person is driving, sight seeing, talking, and eating at the same time??? This is the first time I have driven as I have always been the passenger and someone else has gotten us to our destination. Today will be a chill day for us as Liz ***** to get up at 3:00 am to get ready to get to the airport tonight for her flight out. It’s been a fun filled week and now reality has to set in for me. Things like looking for a job, etc. Carole
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Time for me to get serious about doing the things I need to do to move on in my new life alone. I had hoped that I would accomplish more than I did yesterday, but I am going to focus on the positive things I accomplished such as registering for a First Aid/CPR course for this coming Tuesday and Wednesday. Mine has expired and my resume says I have it, so I need to get recertified. I also did the school supply shopping for Kevin’s 2 boys as he is hospitalized with a brain injury. The boys mother has limited income and the school supply shopping is something Kevin would have done for his boys. Yesterday Kevin asked where his Dad was, and he had to be told that his Dad had **** a few years ago. He is still restrained as he is a flight risk from the hospital. On Thursday I travel back to my home in the country to look after the renters house till the end of the month, as Danny flies out to work on the 15th. I will have Ruffuss overnight with me on the 14th. I am feeling heart-broken that he is going to a new family on the 23th, even though he will be going to a loving home. I have lots of organizing and cleaning to do in my new place, as well as 4 panels of curtains to hem. Tonight I am going to a BBQ with my friend Valerie, that I invited myself to. I am taking my grandgirls to Red Lobster at noon today as I told them we would go there and celebrate my birthday. I miss them now that I’m living in the city. They are staying in the city this weekend as their parents are participating in a 5 km mud obstacle raceway. Carole
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Hi Carole, Sounds like you have been busy since I left. Thanks again for a wonderful time. That was good that you spent some time with the Grandgirls as I know how you miss them. I spent the day with my Grandson. We have been busy all day!! Time to chill. LOL!!! Take care and I will talk to you soon.Seize all the good things in life
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Thanks (((Liz))) for the post. I did not go to the BBQ as I have been really upset today as the time is getting closer for that family to take Ruffuss and I’m very depressed and crying about that. I talked to Danny about it, and he says come home. Part of me wants to go home so that I can keep Ruffuss. My granddaughters and I went for spa pedicures and I had a manicure as well, instead of going to Red Lobster. The girls then went on to the waterpark at West Edmonton Mall. I don’t tolerate emotional pain well. Probably why I became a cg. I have not had any urges to gamble, just to be with Ruffuss. Carole
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Thanks (((Liz))) for the supportive post. Yesterday I had an emotional day after I came home and was alone. I think the enormity of my decision to leave Danny finally hit. Before I was in a survival **** making arrangements to get a place to live, move my stuff, lose 4 of my 5 dogs because of the separation, etc. The thought of losing Ruffuss was the final straw. I would cry every time I thought of him. Plus feeling overwhelmed about the organizing and cleaning I have to do in my new place. Yesterday was the first day I really started living alone, as before that you were visiting and we were "vacationing." Today I will keep my goals very small and will do my dishes and finish sorting my papers to go into files into the filing cabinet. I have papers covering a good part of my bedroom floor. I am feeling better today and my mind is clearer. Carole
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Hi Carole,
It’s odd in a way. I just had a conversation with my sister. We talked about when we lived together and bought the condo downstairs together. At the time she told the realitor "some day I want a really big house" and he told her be careful what you wish for. She said givin all the problems she has had since she moved in she wished she was still in our little condo.
Big life changes do make us want to run to the old familiar places. It’s like me STILL talking to the FWB-after all the pain and sadness he has brought into my life. I cling to the good ***** I have had with him, the few ***** when he was supportative to me, and the deep down belief that I can’t seem to shake that I won’t find anyone else, period.
I doubt that my sister staying at the condo would have made her happier. Life’s trials and tribulations happen anyway.
I think Ruffus will be happy with a family to love and pay attention to him.
Some people chose to live alone and are very happy with the freedom. Some like me have been left to live alone and learn to live with it. I find the older i get the happier I am that I don’t have to answer to anyone, I can sit when I get home exausted from work. I don’t have to **** and clean if I don’t want to.
I know you are making hard choises. Freedom isn’t free. There is always a cost to pay.
At the end of the day Carole, you know what is best for you.
bettie
ps- i didn’t get your email -
Thanks (((Bettie))) for the supportive post. I don’t understand why you didn’t get my email, so I will phone you to confirm your address. I believe I have your right address, but I don’t have your condo number. Or can you phone me seeing as you have free long distance? I only have my cell phone and I pay for every call, except the 10 people I have designated as free phone calls. Do you have my cell phone number that starts with 5 after the area code. I am going to call and see if the Recovery Group is still active on Tuesday evenings at the Addictions Foundation. I don’t know that I will feel like going this Tuesday after the First Aid/CPR course. Then I am back looking after the renters’ house for 2 weeks while Danny is away working. I believe that to be a true statement what you said, that we cling to the familiar, and the few ***** we have been supported in our relationships. As they say, better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t. It would not be the right decision for me to return home, as nothing has changed nor will it. Come September, I am thinking of joining Weight Watchers. I was looking at old pictures of me, and most of them I would consider myself slender or normal weight. It’s just been since I’ve been with Danny that I have been packing on the weight. Getting older and having gone through menopause accounts for some of the weight, but not the majority of it. Big change is going to be uncomfortable emotionally. I just have a problem staying with the emotional pain, and working it through. One thing I hate about the city is that they have photo radar. My first cheque from my new account went to pay for a photo radar ticket. To me that’s the equivalent of hunting with a high powered scope. It’s not fair to the animal. And everywhere I want to go, I have to drive in lots of traffic. I hate that! I can hear people having conversations and laughing from homes in the alleyway. The other people that live in my building are my granddaughter’s age, so that sucks! I got my dishes done. Now it’s to go upstairs and sort through the papers for the filing cabinet. Carole
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(((Carole))) I am so happy that you had a vacation and time to spend with Liz and relax for a while. You really are/and have been going through an emotional roller coaster for quite a while. I am not surprised that you get overwhelmed with all that you have been and continue to deal with. Please try to take it one day at a time. I will try and take that suggestion for myself as well. You have a plan in place and you are working towards your goal, and you are getting there, just be patient with yourself. You are doing awesome!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks (((Cat))) for your supportive post. The last couple of days have not been, a day at a time, but moment by moment as I have been feeling depressed and lonely, yet had an opportunity to go out with my friend, but refused, both yesterday and today. It was incredibly hot today and that got on my nerves. I did accomplish the couple things I had goaled to do, plus my laundry. I had one thought to gamble today, as I thought it would be comfortable temperature wise, but quickly banished that thought. I need to stay with my emotional pain and not medicate it with gambling. Carole
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I called the Addictions Foundation this morning to inquire whether the recovery group on Tuesdays is still active, and it is. She said that because I haven’t seen a counsellor in 6 months, that my file is about to close, so I need to come in today and do a new intake. My old counsellor doesn’t work out of that building anymore so I need to get another counsellor assigned to me. I like the recovery group as you are asked how your week was, and there is no pressure, only support. I am feeling so much better emotionally today as I have concrete things to do today and for the next three days after that. My Aunt told me to go for a walk when I’m not feeling well emotionally. Sometimes the most obvious things to do aren’t so obvious to me. Because I had nothing concrete to do with my time in the city, I was feeling that my life was no different than it was in the country. Carole
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Went in and did the intake at the Addictions foundation and got assigned a new counsellor, that I like even more than my previous one. She assessed me as being in the maintenance phase in gambling recovery, and in the huge changes I have undertaken to start a new and very different life at age 58. I was having gambling urges while I was in her office, but I decided that it would be the height of lunacy to gamble right after a counselling appointment. Instead I drove to a huge shopping centre and bought myself an antique looking accent table for my bedroom. I hesitated paying the over $200, but then I thought to myself, that I had gambled more than on many, many occasions, so I bought it. The lady said that it took them 1/2 an hour to assemble it, which of course means it will take me 2 days. Tomorrow night is the Recovery Support Group and I’m hoping to go, if the First Aid/CPR course doesn’t suck the life out of me. Carole
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Hi Carole, I emailed you earlier!! I am proud of you for going back to the recovery support group. I think that you are handling the changes in your life better than you think you are. You are changing almost everything in your life. I am not as lonely living alone as I was in the beginning . Time does help!! I bought a toy organizer yesterday and it is still sitting unassembled in the box!! LOL!!! I want to be there for my Daughter as she is going through a lot but I must still keep the boundaries I have set up in place. I had a upset stomach after talking to her, hearing the horrible things my Sister, her Aunt, said to her and in front of her son, my Grandson. She didn’t deserve that!! Yoga sounds fun!!! Maybe I should try it. Remember to be kind to yourself. We tend to forget to take care of ourselves!!!Seize all the good things in life
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You should try the yoga (((Liz))) as I’m thinking that it will be fun as well as a stretching work-out. I sent you a fb message with my new cell phone number and new email address. I deleted my old email account. I’m a bit ticked off that I slept through the alarm this morning. I couldn’t hear it because of the fan on in my bedroom and the noise my CPAP machine makes. Danny brings me Ruffuss tomorrow for an overnight as he is going back to work. I am excited to see my boy. Now Telus is telling me that it is taking 4 to 6 weeks for the "free’ TV, as the promotion is so successful. I am going to the recovery support group tonight, so my whole day won’t be unproductive. it cost me $25 to reschedule the First Aid/CPR course. Next time I am going to not have the fan on, and a couple of alarm clocks, plus ask a few people to call me. Thankfully it’s cooler outside today as the heat was wearing on me. I’ll be glad when I can complain about how cold it is outside. Carole
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I did attend the evening recovery group tonight and it suits me well. Support and structure is what I’m trying to put into place into my life. I was walking into a restaurant before the meeting with my friend Valerie, and there were two people about ten years younger than myself, who were kissing like they really liked each other. I asked them a question and it was "Are you married?" They looked at me for a second and answered no. Then I said "I didn’t think so." And we all laughed! I think I have a jaded view of marriage right now. Hopefully that will change over time. Carole
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Carole, I smiled when you said that you slept through your alarm as I never hear my alarm, if it was not for hubby I would never be on time for anything in the morning. I am so happy that you are getting support to help you with your cg. I have been thinking of going to yoga for years, but I have never made it yet. I am actually thinking of going for meditation classes in the fall that are offered through a yoga centre. I want to so many different things but then I get home after work and don’t go out. I know that I need to get more exercise and healthy eating in my life. I know that I would feel better if I did. I need to make me a project and start to look after myself physically and emotionally. You have come a long way Carole and it is wonderful to see you thinking about yourself and what you need. I hope you managed to get up with your alarm today LOL Have a wonderful day!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks (((Cat))) for your kind supportive post. You don’t strike me as someone who wouldn’t hear the alarm clock. I didn’t need to get up this morning with the alarm clock as my course is rescheduled for August 31st and September 1st. This might surprise some of you but I am going to attend GA meetings on Thursday evenings. These meetings are discussion step meetings of steps 1, 2, and 3. The format is different from regular GA meetings. I know that I need structure and support really bad in my life right now, due to all the changes I have made. So now I have my Monday evenings with my granddaughter and yoga, Tuesday evenings with my recovery support group, and Thursday evenings with GA. I plan to join Weight Watchers in September. Today Danny brings me Ruffuss overnight, and tomorrow after my friend’s medical tests, I am travelling back to the country to look after the renters’ house. I committed to doing that if the need was there, till the end of August. Danny is paying my bills till I find a job so I am cooperating by helping him with the house when he is away working this month. Ruffuss goes to his new family on August 23th, which I’m trying not to think about. My cat Ferris comes to live with me at the end of this month, and Ferris will think he won the lottery being here with me. (((Cat)))- you said I have come a long way but I don’t feel that. It’s hard to remember how emotionally ill I was prior to recovery and the anxiety I suffered at the beginning of recovery. And everything in between! It’s still hard for me to believe that I left my 19 year relationship with Danny. I would/could not have done that if I was as emotionally ill as I was. I don’t cope as well anymore being older. The last part of my jigsaw puzzle will be finding a job and getting up for it 5 days a week. I used to wonder where I’d be living; now I’m wondering where I’ll be working. All in good time!! Carole
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(((Carole))) think back to how often you were gambling before and think how many ***** you gamble now!!! Now don’t you think you have come a long way with that. Look where you are living now and starting to build your own life. I feel that Danny is being quite reasonable with you by paying your bills until you get a job. That must really help take some pressure off your shoulders. All the things you are dealing with at the same time are all the top stressors, but you are dealing with them. I believe that anyone would be overwhelmed, but you are carving out your new life and you will get there one step at a time. You have removed one stress and that is living with Danny as now you don’t need to worry about what you were supposed to get done before he came back from work. I would imagine that going to your own space that you are feeling relaxed when you are there. I am so glad that you are planning activities to do in the evenings in the fall. I am also glad that you are getting support to help with the cg. Now do you believe that you have come a long way. You are a work in progress and looking after your *****. WTG (((Carole))) so proud of you.One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks Cat for your kind post. My friend called me today and said she didn’t need me to take her for the medical tests tomorrow as she said she didn’t react to the radio-active stuff they injected her with today. I hadn’t planned on driving to the country till tomorrow, but decided to clean my house, pack a few things and drive today. Ruffuss was overjoyed to see me. Danny was his usual self, but I think he is angry that I left. I sorted through the mail, paid the bills online, and went to town to deposit the August 1st rent cheques and deposited ALL the cash, as it was calling my name……..I took my 2 little granddaughters with me to ensure that not a dollar would be spent on gambling. The 4 year old is having a sleepover with me tomorrow. Made it through another day of not gambling! Carole
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Hi Carole, Danny is probably angry with himself, as he never thought you would leave. You are doing all the right things towards making a new life for yourself. Most importantly, you have a positive outlook!! When you find out the results of her medical tests would you let me know?? I’m having a sleepover tomorrow also, with my Grandson. I have the package for Bettie all ready to go but I haven’t made it to the post office yet. I am busy tomorrow so I will get it in the mail on Monday! My friend here at the condo has a dear friend who has lung cancer like my husband had. She is the same age as he was and is going through the chemo treatments. I don’t know this lady, but when my friend was talking about it, it hit me bad. I felt like crying. She can’t work and she lost her health insurance. Her husband owns a small garage and has worked on my older car before. I put some money in a card and took it over to him. He almost started to cry when he opened it up. I told him that I knew what he and his wife were going through and if there was anything I could do for them to call me. I could clean their house, take her for treatment, ect… I just felt like I needed to do something. I bet Ruffuss was overjoyed to see you. Have a good weekend!! Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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Good morning Carole,
We can be very hard on ourselves can’t we? Never recognizing our own accomplishments and steps taken, always looking for what still ***** to be done, changed, “fixed” in our lives. I’m glad you have everyone here to give you feedback and remind you of all the big changes you’ve made. Emotions make each change, each step so complicated in our minds. Keeping one foot moving in front of the other can be a challenge but when you turn and look back it can be amazing the distance that gets covered. It takes courage to make the changes you have Carole, give yourself a pat on the back for finding that courage in yourself and working on making a better life that will be true to you. And thanks for the reminder in your example. Being true to ourselves is what is so important in recovery. I’m very proud of you ??
take care,
Laura -
Carole, hope you find job you love. I’ve been working all my life it seems and would love to not work for a while. Guess that will happen when I retire. We are both about the same age and I have over 8 years until full retirement…but that’s only if I don’t continue to gamble of course. Having your granddaughters and getting your cash in the bank are insurance against gambling. Good for you in planning ahead you’re a smart lady. Sherry
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Thank you to you lovely ladies (((Liz))), (((Sherry))) and (((Laura))) for your kind supportive posts! I’ve been busy since I came back to the country with organizational stuff related to the accommodation business and got a new renter for the bedroom that became available the two weeks I was in the city. In less than 10 hours I had someone moved into that room. All the bills are paid and all of the August rent has been collected. Danny paid for my car insurance for the next year which was good. I bought tires a few months ago and three of them are defective so I am taking my car back when the rep from Edmonton comes here mid-week, so he can look at them. I had my 4 year old granddaughter with me the past two days. We went to the Smurfs movie last night. Today is my granddaughter’s 20th birthday so I will be going over there for supper and cake. I am driving Ruffuss to the city on the 23th so that he can go with his new family. One of my renters wants me to leave the cat and I said I would, as the cat sleeps with him. I know that he would like to take the cat back with him to New Brunswick. I have thought about saying I would leave the cat, but I need the cat with me at my new place. I’m sure he will be disappointed when Ferris leaves, but I need to think about me first. Overall I am feeling good about the changes in my life. Carole
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Woke up this morning to the sun shining and the cat beside me, and no company staying with me. I did not have a productive week as one thing after another didn’t work out the way they had been planned. Other than dropping the table on my foot, I had no control over the things that didn’t work out. My granddaughter is in the city now for the next 8 months starting University again on Tuesday. She is doing well mental health wise. It’s amazing what the right therapy can do, when a person is highly motivated to get well. I have no plans to go back to the country other than getting a 3 month supply of my meds, as I am still on Danny’s benefit plan. And of course seeing my little granddaughters. My place ***** organizing and cleaning but I am just so lazy and unmotivated. I do have the vacuum out though, and the dishes are soaking. I am drinking coffee out of a glass as all 5 of my mugs are in the sink. Lol! I don’t have big urges to gamble in the city like I did in the country. I am banned from the casinos and don’t know of any place to gamble where I am not banned, other than one across town. It seems like a long drive just to lose money. I’m sure there are other places around where I live, but I am not going to seek out where those places are. I thought of gambling yesterday evening, but then thought of what the money I would lose, would buy instead. This rental is transitional housing for me, and my lease is up at the end of June. The living room and kitchen space is too tight as I seem to have a lot of company. I need at least two bedrooms. Once I get working, I will start to look around as to what place would be more suitable for my family and friends to stay over with me. I don’t want any yard work so a condo may be my only option. All in good time! Carole
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Carole, it is strange how we have trouble with this "motivation". There are so many things I need to do around the house and I also lack the motivation. I exhaust myself thinking about all the things I need to do, and then don’t do any of them. I wonder if part of your challenge is the fact that you have been busy doing so much and now that you are where you want to be, in the city in your apartment, that you are feeling a bit exhausted with all you have been through. I believe it’s like preparing for a special event and the adrenaline keeps us going, and then after it’s over we are exhausted. I know that I should take the advice that you gave me and write down what I did each day as then it shows that I did something. It is one day at a time!!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Hi Carole, What a week you had!! Things can only look up from now on. I am glad that V’s test came back good. I have been busy with my Grandson this weekend and trying to find things he can do without putting his fractured wrist in danger. We over did it at the arcade yesterday and his thumb and fingers were hurting on his bad arm. I gave him some children’s ibuprofen and it took the pain away. Staying home tomorrow as he has some homework to do. This week is a short school week for him, only 2 days. Nothing else going on! If I decide to move, I would like to get a little bigger place with a garage and inside laundry. I am glad that you were able to not gamble. The ***** I have wanted to gamble lately, I also think of what I could buy with the money instead. Take care of yourself. Talk soon.
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Hi Carole,
Change is painful thats for sure!
Just remember all the trials and tribulations are just life happening-not happening to you! It’s easy to fall into a pity party when so much happens at one time. Our addiction loves that path-makes it easy to justify a little "gamble" to make us feel better-lol!. We know where that leads!
Did you open a new FB account? I don’t see you posting anything there and you are on my "friends" list. If that is the case could you refriend me?
bettie -
Thank you (((Friends))) for your supportive posts. I do have a new fb account as after 8 months of not being able to remember my password and the K9 blocker blocking certain emails like my password from FB, I got my friend Valerie to help me log on with my new email address in the city. Either send me a friend request or I will send you one Bettie. I have been pretty lazy since I moved to the city on Thursday. There’s cleaning and organizing I should do, but with my foot, I think I should stay floor based. My cat has settled in nicely. He is eating, drinking, and using the litter box, and giving me kitty kisses. Danny is bringing me his cat house on Tuesday which serves as a scratching post as well. He looks bored, doing nothing all day except ****** around. Danny is on his way back to work on Tuesday. it’s great that he is supporting me financially till I get working. I never expected that we could go our separate ways and be friendly. I’ve never had a break-up that was friendly. Carole
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Hi Carole, It’s normal to feel sensitive right now. I felt very sensitive to things that were said about my Husband and his death, but now I have become stronger. Some people don’t have a filter or just don’t stop and think what effect their comments will make on someone else. Just hang in there and it will get better. My Grandson fractured his wrist at the trampoline park about 3 weeks ago. He and I had gone on a Sunday and well, it didn’t turn out real good. He is a little trooper and hasn’t complained once on wearing the cast! Hopefully, only 2 1/2 weeks left so he can return to the sports and normal playing. I am glad that your Granddaughter apologized to you. She a smart girl and knows that you would never do or say anything to hurt her. I hope that you and V can work it out. Real friendships are hard to find. Remember, you are starting a new life, like me. I am telling you, the last 6 months, I have done some real soul-searching and have found some things I like about myself and some things that I am working on. I think it is called growing. LOL!!! Never too late to be the person I want to be!! Take care!!Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Carol,
I’m glad your cat has settled in, it will make it feel a little more like home. It seems that a loss can trigger thoughts of gambling and relapse. Even though you made this courageous choice to move on and pursue a life that is true to you and helps you build your own happiness I would imagine that you may also be feeling a sense of loss for the old life, the known life, the marriage that you thought should have been. We are hardest on ourselves. Give yourself a little bit of time to just relax before you start unpacking and dressing your new digs up as your inbetween home. Your bravery to “just do it” is amazing Carol. A great role model for your grand daughter ?? Take care xo Laura -
Thank you (((Friends))) for your supportive posts. My week has already started out awesome!!! By tomorrow when I go into my regulatory body for the profession I work in when I’m working, I will once again be registered and have a practice permit. That’s a huge thing to get that back into place, so now I can start looking and applying for positions in my field. And with any luck, I’ll have a new windshield as well today. (((Liz))) I saw V yesterday as she wanted to borrow luggage from me for her trip back east. I invited her to go for supper with my granddaughter and I. I could tell she is quite angry at me. She told me that if something is bothering me, I should tell her, and I did. I didn’t expect what I said to become a full-blown thing with her. That is the second friend who has become angry and turned it around on me. Ingrid got angry at me when I asked her to return the tables she borrowed many weeks after she had her garage sale. That was one of the tables I dropped on my foot when I myself went to pick them up, as she was not returning them. V got angry when I said that it occurred to me that she was saying negative things behind my back. She said she was upset and that after 28 years I didn’t know her at all. I told her of three of her friends that she had talked behind their back, and that I was sensitive to negative talk about me. So now she’s really upset and I don’t know if we’ll be able to patch things up. All I wanted was a "sorry."" She says she can’t remember saying that as I was leaving her place, but she has not said that she spoke to the other 4 women there, and that nobody heard what she said. I think people are used to me allowing myself to be used and abused, and are surprised when I speak my truth! My Aunt told me that at this rate, I’m going to lose friends. Danny got upset with me yesterday on the phone, as he wants us to move to southern Alberta together and buy a house or a motor home and go travelling. Nothing would be any different so I said that I wasn’t doing that, and he said "well stay in your sweltering one (bed) room place! I have no plans to reconcile with him as I can’t live with him and his negative behaviors. Carole
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Carole, When we start standing up for ourselves and speak the truth it is a shock to people we know. I am proud of you. Being a people pleaser myself, it took the death of my Husband for me to find my voice. I won’t be pushed around anymore and when someone has said something that hurts me, I will respond. V will either accept what she said and apologize to you or she won’t. I don’t know why she is getting angry. Maybe because she was called on something and doesn’t want to take responsibility. You will have to decide what you want to do with that friendship. I feel you did the right thing regarding Danny. Nothing is going to change with you being in a new location with him. I think he is grasping at straws, trying to keep you. Would he want to go and talk to someone about working on yours and his relationship? I still mourn my relationship with my Husband, it could have been awesome. He wouldn’t seek help for his drinking and didn’t want outside help with our marriage. I went to counseling about both issues by myself. So, I worked on my part but he wouldn’t on his. I still love and miss him, but our marriage had a lot to be desired. One important thing I have learned the last 6 months, stay true to yourself. You do what is good for you not others. If you are happy, you have a different outlook on everything!! Okay, enough of my rambling!! Take care of yourself and do what is good and beneficial for you. Seize all the good things in life
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Carole, I mentioned moving because I don’t know what is going to happen with the probate of the condo. How my step-daughter is going to react. Is she going to let me buy her out or will she want to sell the place? Also, after it goes through probate, I have to get a appraisal done and that is the amount the pay off is based on. (this part of the city, the real estate is much higher) (appraisal minus what is owed and she gets 1/2 of that). I am weighing my options as I will have to pay a lot to get this place renovated. I might be better off just buying another condo that has already been redone and has the inside laundry, more square footage, ect… that I want. Right now I can get a lot for my money in the real estate market. It will all work out. I am waiting for the guy to come about my hot water heater (I think I need a new one). I got more boxes today to help in my downsizing. So, I have been busy today. Take care, talk later!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Carole,
Talk about denial! The way you describe Danny is like a little kid-promise everything then when he doesn’t get his way he sticks out his tounge and stomps his feet!
I do believe he thinks this is a phase you are going through and that you will change your mind. Maybe try and call his bluff-tell him to start anger management and marrige consulling and in a few months you might consider some kind of relationship.
I would guess that would cool his heels for a bit!
bettie -
Thanks (((Liz))) and (((Bettie))) for your posts. I am not interested in marriage counselling at all. Danny ***** counselling for himself. I’m getting my own counselling for my own issues. This train has already left the station in terms of marriage counselling. Today is the first day he came to my place as he was bringing Ferris’ cat house/scratching posts, as I couldn’t fit it in with the stuff my granddaughter brought to the city for university. He did put together the antique looking table for my bedroom TV. He called where I live slumy, and that after working so hard in my life, I shouldn’t be living here. He said he had to get me out of here. I said I thought the inside of my place was cute, quaint, and nicely furnished. He said the yard wasn’t kept up and that the alley looked unkept and dangerous! My door faces the alley! It’s like everywhere else, you need to keep your wits about you. I have a couple of jackrabbits that I see often around my place. I did tell Danny that I couldn’t live with his negative behaviors anymore. He was telling me what went on at the lake this long weekend and I’m so glad that I wasn’t part of it. It seems some of Danny’s family members are dressing down others that say negative things about me. Things like the help I gave so many of them. Danny brought me a bird bath and bird seed, so now I am feeding the local birds here. I got my new windshield today and over $200 discount for my inconvenience about the non-existing appointment I had last Friday. Already lots of good things happening this week. I only want to be friends with Danny. Carole
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Before going to his brother’s to spend the night, as he flew out early today, Danny had a nap on my couch. Both him and I have boundary issues when it comes to what our relationship is. It makes it harder for me as he is supporting me financially till I get working. I told him I wanted to get another cat for company for Ferris, and he told me I didn’t need another cat. He is allergic to cats. I put my cat house under a window and Ferris can watch what goes on in the alley, and he’s loving it. I like my rental and living alone as it’s peaceful, and I can do exactly what I want, without having to answer to anyone but myself. Gambling urges are definitely reduced in occurrence and severity. I’m hoping to be able to attend a Thursday evening GA meeting on step work tomorrow. Today I’m off to the college to get re-registered, and to a vet clinic a bit out of town to possibly/probably adopt a one eyed cat. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am sure that there are a lot more adventures for us. I would love to go to the Oregon coast also, one of my favorite places. I have put a stop on my plans for Europe next year till I see how this condo thing is going to work out. The lawyer emailed me the papers that he is sending to my step-daughter on the 12th of this month. We will be joint tenants in common when everything goes through the small probate court. Then I will have to buy her out if I want to remain here. I think I will know what is the right decision for me when the time comes, stay or sell. Otherwise, everything else is good. What you do in your own place is your choice. If you want another cat, get one!!Seize all the good things in life
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Guess what (((Liz)))?? I have a new cat, a brother for Ferris. His name is Pablo and he has the colors of a Siamese, and the loud meow of a Siamese. He is solidly built and quite heavy to carry around. He has one big blue eye and the other is sewed shut. Ferris came downstairs to see what the moewing was all about, and then retreated back upstairs. Pablo has been behind the couch for the better part of the afternoon. They’ll adjust to each other! Went to my regulatory body for my field and paid my dues and handed in some information they required. I was also sent notification that my 42 inch promotion TV is being delivered tomorrow. I will believe that when I see it! This evening I’m going to chill with the book I’m reading. Carole
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Hi Carole, It’s good that Ferris has a new brother. Now he has a companion. Sounds like you have been busy. I am glad that you are settling into your new place and adjusting to living alone. Much can be said for living alone, you can do what you want and only have yourself to take care of. It’s good that your gambling urges are reduced living in the city. I haven’t had any urges this week and I have been keeping myself busy. Take care and have a great day!!Seize all the good things in life
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The "free" TV has arrived. Too bad I don’t know how to hook it all up, but later today I will see if I can do it. I’m imagining having a full screen TV to watch as opposed to the little one I have in my bedroom. I’m having a productive week so far in terms of accomplishing things. The cats haven’t fought yet, and are actually touching noses. I’m letting them adjust and not giving them too much affection as I want them to turn to each other for their *****. Soon I’m sure they will be ****** together and p****** with each other. I haven’t told Danny about my new cat as I’m sure ***** freak out, but it is my decision as to what pets I have in my own place. Because he’s allergic to cats, ***** see it as I’m not being considerate of his *****, and one more step of not reconciling with him at some point. It’s been scorching hot here. Too hot! I applied for a couple of jobs online, and interviewing is a scary thought as in the past few years, I get anxiety attacks in situations like that. There is so much construction going on around my place that it is driving me crazy. For the past 10 days they put a new roof on the house right next door to me, and now the neighbour across the alley is tearing down his garage and is going to be building a bigger one. Plus the city put notices in our mailboxes that they are going to be doing construction for the next 2 weeks around where I live. I’ll be glad when it cools down and I can shut all my windows so that I don’t have to hear all this construction. (((Liz))) Kevin seems to be doing worse memory wise. He was surprised to see his brother come to see him at the hospital, as he thought he was still in Edmonton, and not our local hospital. The hospital staff are asking family when he is going to be transferred to a rehab facility. The family don’t know and have been expecting the hospital staff to have that information. His mother has told my son-in-law that they can take Kevin on overnight visits, and it is kind of expected that they will take him. Because he is so confused, my daughter doesn’t want to do it, as she is afraid that he may go into my granddaughters’ rooms and lay on their bed out of confusion, which would really frighten the 8 year old. Every time Kevin goes there to visit, he keeps asking my daughter or son-in-law if this is a new house. He remembers them living in the very first house they bought, and this is the 3rd house they have bought after the first house. Kevin could also fall down the basement stairs as he doesn’t ever remember where the bathroom is. My son-in-law is stressed out as he sees that Kevin may need placement in a nursing home and he is only in his early 30’s. I need to get groceries at some point today as my fridge is pretty bare. I woke up with a headache this morning and am feeling a bit stressed out and I’m not sure why. I couldn’t fall asleep last night so I got up and ate. Not a very good coping skill but it is what it is for now! The appraisal for the house got done yesterday, and the appraiser said it would take 3 days before it reached Dale’s bank. Then we’ll all have to sign paperwork and the house and property will no longer belong to us! That will be a relief not to have to deal with renters again. My ex-sister-in-law is cleaning and managing the house at the present time. I am wondering if I should have gone and had an xray done on my foot, as it is still painful, bruised, swollen, and there is a bump on the top of my foot. It could be that I broke a bone in my foot. I don’t have a doctor here in the city, so I would have to go to a Medi Centre and that probably would be an all day affair. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am glad the cats are getting along together and that your new TV arrived!! Sorry to hear that Kevin’s condition is getting worse. He is so young. It is really tragic for him and the family! I misunderstood about Dale buying the house. I thought he was only buying you out, not the entire house. Maybe you should get your a xray if your foot is still swollen. You may have broken some bones on the top of your foot. My Grandson had a xray of his wrist done yesterday and the doctor is leaving the cast on for 2 more weeks as it is not totally healed yet. He is missing baseball practice but will be able to play when the league starts. Having the cast on has been limiting on what he does, but he has never complained once. It is 108 here now and very humid. We can’t even go swimming because of the cast, but we did our errands and are staying inside where it is cool. Take care of yourself and get some sleep!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dale is buying the house and the property and if all goes according to plan, he will be in possession of the house by the end of September. I have nothing to do with the house other than answering questions regarding renters and the care of the house. Danny called and I told him I had something to tell him, and he went quiet. I said I got another cat. He seemed almost relieved that it was about a cat, and not that I had gambled. LOL! Liz, I can’t imagine 108 degrees and I forgot that your grandson cant go into the pool because he has a cast. Renovations are also going on in the basement suite below me. I slept through most of the afternoon and sleep is also an escape/coping method for me. I am feeling that I would have liked to go on a holiday somewhere before I get a job and start working. I have a current passport but nobody to go anywhere with. My daughter has kids in school, granddaughter is in university, and anyone else I know is working, except you. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am going to California the end of this month. Taking my Mom to see her 91 year old Sister, (health is failing) her last living sibling. I am trying not to spend a lot of money as I don’t know if I am going to have to buy another condo. I would love to travel somewhere, but I need to be tight with my money right now. It was even hotter later this afternoon, it got up to 111 degrees. It’s good that you had some sleep. My Grandson is still with me, but I am taking a sleeping pill when he leaves. I will get some sleep tonight!! Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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(((Liz))) I know just how much you love your grandson, but I am wondering if you didn’t take him as much if his parents would step up to the plate more when it comes to his care. I hope I don’t hurt your feelings by saying that. I love my granddaughters to the moon too, but there is only so long I can entertain them, without it feeling like it’s too much for me. We raised our own children and we aren’t spring chickens anymore. I was sleeping nicely but my sleep was interrupted by a phone call from the cleaning girl at the renters’ house asking me a question at about 6:30 am. I did go back to sleep after a while but didn’t get up till about 10:00. I’m going to go for groceries this afternoon, and that will be my day. Soon enough I’ll be getting up to go to work 5 days a week. Carole
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Gambling urges triggered by Danny telling me that there was a lot of money in our joint account, and to use it for whatever I wanted. I already have access to our joint account so I was wondering why he said that. I can see online what we have in this account. Left my place and gassed up my vehicle, went to Chapters and bought two books. One on The Secret Language of Cats and the other, Dr. Phil’s new book called Life Code-The New Rules for Winning in the Real World. I then went and bought a couple new tops intended for when I go back to work. I went to Safeway and bought the groceries I need. The closest thing I bought to junk food is sherbet. I actually prepared my supper at home last night, and am trying to eat at home as opposed to restaurant meals. I had breakfast before I went out today, or it would have been McDonald’s drive through. Think I’m going to stay home the rest of today, so I don’t entertain those gambling urges. I have to read what my cats are communicating to me. Carole
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Carole, You didn’t hurt my feelings. One of the reasons I chose to spend a lot of time with my Grandson is because he will be my only Grandchild. We have a deep bond. (remember that my Husband and I raised him the first 2 years of his life) If I don’t want to watch him or have other things planned his parents adjust their schedules to take care of him, like when I came to visit you. Especially with losing his Papa, he has grown closer to me. He calls me if we haven’t seen each other for 2 days, checking to see how I am. I think is worried about losing me also. I enjoy every minute I am with him! Seize all the good things in life
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That’s great that you enjoy every minute of time you spend with your grandson (((Liz)))> You are such an important person in that little guy’s life, and maybe the only person who he knows will always be there for him. I prepared myself all three meals today, read my new book on the secret language of cats, and now am going to start on the second book I bought. My bed is freshly laundered, and my clothes are ready for tomorrow. I’m going to get up at 6:00 am to ensure I can have coffee before I go to my course. The two cats are doing great together and at ***** follow me around like I’m the pied piper and they’re rats! Two cats are so much better than one, as they keep each other company. I got through another gamble free day. One of the thoughts that stopped me was how messed up my mind gets when I gamble. I need to stay clear-headed in case I get asked to interview for a job. I’m relaxed and happy living alone. It’s cooled down here thank goodness, and looks like it may even rain. Carole
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(((Carole))) I have just been catching up on your posts. So sorry to hear about your foot and I hope that it gets better soon. It is wonderful that you have a new cat as I am sure that Pablo will be wonderful company for Ferris and you. It is amazing to think how much you have achieved and how you are busy getting on with your new life. I hope you enjoy your courses at the weekend. Good for you for not gambling. I am so glad that you are enjoying your own space and living alone. It is interesting as I note that your posts are sounding more calm and relaxed now. Did you manage to get your new TV fixed up yet? The technology today is awesome, but sometimes it is more complicated getting everything set-up and ready to go. It was so hot and humid here today. I notice that I get sore heads with the humidity. I think it is to be a bit cooler tomorrow. Take care and enjoy your courses at the weekend. Keep doing the great job!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks Cat for your kind post. It has very much cooled down here by at least 10 degrees C, plus it rained today which was welcome by me anyways. I am so excited as I got up at 6:00 am today and heard my alarm clock, and got to the course and have finished day one of two. I listened to CBC radio and imagined I was driving to work and thought to myself that I can do this work thing fulltime. One step in front of the other!! Carole
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Thank you (((Cat))) and (((P))) for your kind posts to my thread. Sorry (((P))) that you’re not in a great place right now. I wonder if you can do any one thing, even something small to change your situation (((P))). That is something I try and do when I don’t like where I’m at emotionally. I might do some laundry or do the sinkful of dishes; anything that will make me feel better about myself. (((Cat)))- as much as I tried to enjoy the course, all I did was watch the clock, ******** the number of hours before the course would be over. I finished it today and scored 100% on the exam. I hated all the practical on the floor stuff like the CPR and the treating of wounds and injuries. I’m good for 3 years now thankfully! I wanted to do something to celebrate getting that course over, but could not find anybody to do anything with. I need to enlarge my social circle in the city, but I prefer to isolate myself. It takes time to undo all the negative effects of our gambling years, and for many of us, we have few friends left, if any. For me by the time I got rid of toxic friends and family, I have little left in terms of real friends. I’d rather have no friends at this point than to have really unhealthy people in my life. I thought of going gambling, and had to remind myself that gambling isn’t a reward. I’m going to go buy myself a few pieces of new clothing for when I go back to work instead. I might do that tomorrow even. I am very much enjoying the new addition to my family, Pablo. The cats like each other and it happened quickly, even though they are both males. When I drove into my driveway, there was a jack rabbit eating in the yard, and he is so domesticated that he allowed me to walk past him/her, and didn’t hop away. I’m hoping I can get the rabbits that live around my place to eat food I put out in the winter. I am also planning to buy a condo before my lease is up at the end of June. But first I need to get working and I’m confident that I will in time. I’m only applying for jobs that I believe I would enjoy. Life is too short to work somewhere you hate. Carole
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(((Carole))) WTG on 100% on your course. That is an achievement even if you don’t believe it is. It is wonderful that the cats are becoming friends so quickly. I am amazed when I read your posts on how you are now out doing things. You have a goal and you are working towards it… step by step. I am sure that once you get a job that you will love the challenge of it. My only concern for you is that you don’t get too emotionally involved as you have a giving heart. I know with what I do it can really take an emotional toll on me. I know what you mean about having someone to celebrate with when you achieve something. I find that is something that I lack, but none of my friends know about my gambling addiction so it does make it difficult. My hubby and daughter are the only two people that know about it. I actually achieved some things around the house this weekend. It was wonderful to feel that I was actually achieving something. I am going to continue on my de cluttering task. I am starting to think more and more about retiring. I think if I lost some weight I would not be so tired. It is like a relief when the weather gets cooler. Have a wonderful gamble free day!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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I posted on your thread (((Cat)))! I am thinking of retirement as well, even though I haven’t even started back to work yet. In two years I am going to start getting my CPP, though it won’t be enough to live on, as I’ve been self-employed for many years, so I didn’t contribute those years. I’m not going to worry about how I’m going to live in retirement as I always have my money or equity in the condo I’m going to buy to fall back on. So much can happen in the next 7 years so why worry now!! I feel like I’ve been retired in the past decade not having been employed outside my home. Today I am going to do a little cleaning in my place and some laundry and then I am going to go shopping for clothes and groceries and maybe to Petland and buy my "boys" a couple of toys. Time fillers I call them! I can’t get out there and do a lot of walking as my foot is still injured. I want to buy work shoes and winter boots but I have to wait till the swelling in my foot is almost gone. I’m so glad that I don’t have to be concerned about anything regarding the renters and that house. That life I lived in the country seems to have been so long ago. I don’t miss anything about the country other than my two young granddaughters. The littlest one is having a sleepover at my place on Wednesday as my daughter and her friends are participating in a run out of town. My decision to leave my marriage and to move away was the right decision for me. I wish I could go on a holiday before I start working. It’s a little more complicated now with two cats, but my granddaughter could live here while I was gone. Carole
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Thanks Carole, I have been resting today. My Daughter came by to check on me. I feel like her and I are making progress in our relationship. You are right, I have been under a lot of stress, but it is getting better. As soon as this condo issue is resolved and I decide whether I want to move or stay here, I think the stress will be a lot less. You know that you made the right decision with your life. Just keep doing what you are doing!! Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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(((Carole))) I hope that your foot gets better soon so that you can go shoe and boot shopping. I don’t mind shopping for shoes and boots as it’s not like clothes where I have all these bumps and everything is too tight!!!! Buy yourself a few pairs of nice shoes. I am looking for a pair of red shoes. I have been looking for them for years. I wear a lot of black and it is nice to have a bright coloured shoe. However, I have not found a pair yet as they all have high heels and I just want a smaller heel. My high heel days are over LOL Although I do have a lovely pair of black shoes with a 3+" thicker heel and they are lovely and very comfortable. I just wish I could have got them in red!!!!
It is wonderful to read your posts and see how well you are doing. You sound so content and focused in building your new life. It is awesome how you have put so many barriers in place to protect yourself from this addiction, and I think that you should make your new "norm" that you don’t gamble in the city. I hope that you realize that you can’t get any more cats as my sons told my daughter, who has two cats that if she gets another one, then it’s official she is the crazy cat lady!!! I am being a bit silly with this post, but sometimes we need to have a smile and laugh to help us through the day.
Carole, why don’t you come for a trip here and then we could go shopping in the States for a couple of days as I need some new clothes that fit. The States have a much better selection in the big girl store. I hope that your boys are not fighting over the new toys!!!! I need to go and get ready for work as I am already behind schedule. Also my hand is bothering me as I believe I have carpal tunnel, but it comes and goes. I get to the stage my whole hand is sore and numb. Keep doing what you are doing, so proud of how far you have come!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord… -
Thank you (((Liz))) and (((Cat))) for your kind posts. Now you have me really thinking Cat! What days do you have off that we could go to the US? Would we be going to Fargo, North Dakota?? I have to talk to my granddaughter and see if she would be willing to stay here with my cats, but I’m sure that wouldn’t be a problem. Next I have to talk to Danny as he bankrolls my lifestyle till I start working, but I don’t think that will be a problem. I believe that around the 21st of September we are signing the paperwork for the house. I would love to go and would drive to your city which is a two day trip for me. Let me know date you would like to go. Carole
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(((Carole))) I was thinking September 19 – 23, but that would not work for you as you have to be there to sign the paperwork. Would September 26 – 30 work for you? I have a work appointment on the 30th at 5:00 p.m. that I would need to be back for that. I am excited now about this!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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(((Carole))) as much as I would love to do it this weekend, unfortunately because of work commitments I cant do it until after September 18, 2013. The best time would be between Thursday, September 26 – and as long as I am back on the Monday by 2:00 p.m. If you can get here on the Thursday evening then we could leave on Friday, September 27 for two or three nights as long as I am back in the city by 2:00 p.m. on Monday, September 30 or I can do it anytime between Tuesday, October 1 to Sunday, October 6. We could tentatively set the date and if you have to go for an interview then that would obviously take priority for you. Let me know. One day at a time my sweet lord…
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I am excited to see you and about our trip (((Carole))) I love shopping in the States I find their prices and selection for the big girl shop is way better than Canada!!!! I love having something to look forward to as it just makes everything seem so much better. I hope that you get a call for an interview for the job that you applied for that you would like. If we need to reschedule because you get an interview that is okay. I need to get going for work. Have a wonderful gamble free day!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Carole, thank you so much for taking an interest in my case. I am limited to what I can write on a public forum, but I will e mail the details as soon as I get a chance to draw breath. The hearing is on Friday 13th. Prayers needed please!
Like you, I am inclined to challenge issues…Believe me , this one cannot be overlooked . My professional reputation is at stake. If I ignore it, it will affect both my conscience and my health…
Im following your story too but need to focus on this issue first Sounds selfish but I know you understand. Im trying to switch back from nights to days. My time clock is haywire and it’s wrecking my sleep and health.
ODAAT! -
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Thank you (((Vera))) and (((P))) for your kind posts. I am feeling a little sorry for myself this afternoon, as my 4 year old granddaughter decided she wanted to spend the day and overnight at her 20 year old sister’s instead of with me. We had lunch together and then I drove them to my granddaughter’s rental house. I am also upset as I saw the doctor today and he thinks that my foot is fractured, and he will call me with the results of the xray later this afternoon he said. If it is indeed fractured, I am going to have to go to Emerg at one of the hospitals and get some sort of a cast. I wanted to go to see a doctor weeks ago when this injury occurred but Danny said I would be wasting everyone’s time, as if it was broken, they wouldn’t do nothing for me. I’m mad at myself that I didn’t do what I thought I should have done, and instead listened to Danny. There is also a weight management program going to be starting at this clinic with exercise coach, etc. and supervised by one of the doctors there. I said put me on your list. Carole
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Hi Carole.. dont be hard on yourself, you have come a long way and made great decisions. Everything has changed for you and because you went back to the ways of listening to ex hubby isnt suprising, its been with you for a long time, the thing is you recognized this. I think you have done really well Carole. I am glad you did what you did, many people stay in marriages through fear of the unknown or being alone. It takes a strong person to go it alone sometimes.. I must be saying i am strong too then haha.. anyway i am great at giving advice to not beat yourself up so i am going to take the same advice regarding my gambling days.. Those days are gone for me now. I just know it. Keep your chin up Carole. Love that you have your kitties close and you are becoming independent.
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Thanks (((Liz))) and (((P))) for your kind posts. I am still waiting for my xray results as they didn’t come back to the doctor in the later afternoon as the doctor expected. I will hear today. I cried and cried yesterday evening after taking my granddaughters out to supper. My 20 year old granddaughter asked me if I was feeling better about the 4 year old spending her time in the city with her, as opposed to me. I said I was and then my granddaughter said " When my sisters come to the city, I should stay away because they are going to "pick" me every time." It was not just what she said but her tone of voice when she said that. Then she kept asking her sister to kiss her on each cheek, and asking her who her best friend was." She really laid it on thick with the little one. I was devastated that she could be so mean to me. I had looked so forward to spending time with the little one, and to be treated with such disrespect from my granddaughter devastated me. I am going to let my granddaughter know that if she can’t treat me with more respect, she shouldn’t come around me. Carole
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Thinking of you (((Vera))) as you have your meeting today! I hope it goes well! I have a stress fracture in my foot and am having a bone scan on the 23th where they inject you with dye. I don’t know what the treatment, if any, is going to be. I spoke to my daughter about the way my granddaughter treated me after she had talked to my granddaughter. My granddaughter admitted that she had been really mean to me to her mother, and wanted to apologize to me, but she wanted me to apologize to her for something. My daughter explained to her that I had done nothing wrong so I had nothing to apologize for. My granddaughter felt that I was abandoning her and my daughter explained to her that what I had said was that IF she couldn’t treat me respectfully, then we should take a break from each other. So that’s where our relationship stands for right now. And I’m OK with that for now! I told my daughter that I will no longer allow anyone to disrespect me or treat me badly in any way, anymore. Overall I am sleeping better in my new place than I was in the country. I’m much more relaxed here and am grateful to have some down time before I go back to work. I would have liked to travel somewhere before I start working but injuring my foot has really affected my ability to go a lot of places, as I can’t walk too much or my foot aches. I have a jackrabbit that comes and lays about 8 feet away from me every afternoon, which I think is cool. I have my bird feeder out but so far the only birds eating out of it are magpies. There is also a dark orange cat with one green eye and one blue eye that comes visit me. So after a couple of really emotional days, I am feeling more stable emotionally. The good news is that I didn’t gamble. Carole
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Hi Carole
I am glad you are feeling a bit better, its like a roller coaster some ***** isnt it.. we just have to ride those waves of emotions and do the best we can.. how cute the cat with different coloured eyes. I love my cat she is the best company in the world and gives me so much joy. I can just sit and watch her, she is a little crazy like her owner!!
Have a good night Carole and i look forward to maybe seeing you in chat some days
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Hi Carole,
Are you maybe having trouble posting on the new site?
I’m running around sharing a way that I figured out for getting my comments to post at the end of the thread instead of landing somewhere in the middle.
Here it is if you’re interested:
Don’t use the “Add new comment” box for typing your comments.
Instead, click on the dark purple “reply” button (next to the “Complain about a message” button) just under the last comment posted on the thread.
When you click on the “reply” button, a new window pops up where you can type in your comment. Then when you hit “Save”, your comment will post at the tail end of the thread like it’s supposed to!
I hope this helps and you start posting again soon.
This new site has some really cool features I think we’re all going to like once the GT team gets all the kinks worked out!
Adele
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I am having trouble figuring out how to get to the latest posts on people’s threads. I had my bone scan and the results were that a ligament partially separated from the bone. The treatment is what I was doing and that was to rest my foot. I still have swelling and it looks like a bone is sticking up at the injury site, below the skin. But it is getting better. I started to walk for 30 minutes a day, 2 days ago. I found the most incredible health tool online, and it is called myfitnesspal. It allows you to enter your exercise and food intake and it calculates your calories, amount of protein, sugars, fats, etc. Cats are doing well. They have bonded so well that they are always curled up together, grooming each other faces, and spend all their time in each other’s company. The only time they seek affection from me is at bedtime. The rest of the time they are meeting each other’s emotional and physical needs. It wasn’t exactly what I had hoped for, but at least I know they are happy together. I did not get a job interview for the 3 positions I applied for. I can say that I wasn’t seriously looking for a job but I should do that. Danny is in St. Louis with a childhood friend and they are spending time with another childhood friend who was an NHL professional player. I had to drive him three hours to catch his plane in Calgary as I had spent 6 hours in Emerg with him due to generalized Multiple Sclerosis symptoms. He was feeling unsafe to drive those three hours, so I said I would drive him, so he wouldn’t miss his trip. He really wants us to get back together but nothing has changed as far as his anger management goes. He says that the separation eats at him 25 hours a day.I have a lease for my suite till the end of June, and am thinking of buying a condo, as I am sick of yardwork. If I want flowers I can plant some on the balcony. I don’t miss the country one wee bit. I have become close to someone I worked with for many years in Edmonton. That fills some of the emotional void I have been feeling. We talk on the phone and on facebook, and we walk outside together. We have a lot in common and she is a devoted grandmother. I don’t see my granddaughter often as she spends time with her friends and has school work to do, which is fine with me. We did go down Whyte Avenue which is an artsy fartsy avenue and we went into unique shops and bought a few things. I took silly pictures of her wearing old fashioned hats and glasses, and of her wearing a unicorn mask that we found in one shop. It was just like old times we used to have. Red used to be my favorite color and it is now my favorite color once again. I bought a bright red necklace even though I haven’t worn make-up or jewellery in years. I can see myself doing that soon. I never wanted to draw attention to myself, because I didn’t feel good about myself. I like living alone as it is so relaxing. Carole
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Hi Carole, I sent you a message on facebook but thought I would check in with you here also. My Grandson had his cast off while I was in California. He has been practicing with his baseball team (the same kids from last season). His first game is this coming Tuesday. My trip to California was good for the most part. It was good to see my Aunt and Uncle who are in their 90’s and in ailing health. My Mom’s last sibling. I think it was important for her to spend time with her sister. I had a few light bulb moments. My Mom had a extreme meltdown with me and tried to slap me in the face. I still have no clue what was wrong with her. I stopped her and put her in her place. She has done this with other family members too, and it’s not because she is getting old and losing her mind. I realized a lot of her traits my sister and I possess. Not the physical abuse issue, thank God! I am working on myself as I think we always have things to work on. I don’t want to be like her. I am moving in the area where she lives next year with my oldest Daughter and Grandson. I have told her if she continues to behave the way she does and thinks that nothing is wrong with it that I will have to limit my contact with her. It is embarrassing to talk about this but I think it is important to say that blood family isn’t always who our real family is. Anyways, sorry for ranting. Hope you have fun with your granddaughters. Take care of yourself.
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I still can’t figure out how to get to the end of people’s threads to read the entries or to post. I had to scroll through my entire thread to be able to post. What am I missing here?? (((Liz))) I am so sorry to hear about what your mother did. You must be so hurt! It does sound like you are going to have to keep those emotional boundaries up with her, especially if you are going to move up to the area she lives in. It will be cooler weather up there which will be a good thing. I don’t know how people live in extreme heat a good part of the year, where you live. I know I couldn’t do it. Yesterday I walked to a grocery store in the university area for exercise, and there was a slight breeze and it was raining fall leaves. It was beautiful to see and the air was fresh. Now that I have an exercise and eating program to keep me occupied, I have less urges to gamble. I am driving to Calgary to pick Danny up as he is flying in from St. Louis later today. I am starting to get myself organized in my new place. Yesterday I organized my closet and jewellery, and listed my CPAP machine for sale. I have lots of cleaning that I have been putting off such as cleaning kitchen cupboards and windows and a blind in my kitchen. As I get to know the city better I am liking it more. When I first moved here, I didn’t like all the traffic and noise but I’m getting used to that. I love all the selection in stores. I don’t miss the country at all. I am putting more structure into my life and have people to spend time with, and places I can go by myself if need be. I am much less lonely than when I first moved here. The only thing missing is a job even though I really don’t want to work. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am so happy that are doing so well. Good for you getting on an exercise and eating well program. I think it is important to replace the focus we had on gambling with something else. Still working on that one myself.
To get to the end of someone’s thread, drag the scroll button on the side of your computer. If they have more than one page, hit the next button on the bottom of the first page. Their first entry will appear at the top of the screen. But if you scroll down again it will take you to the end of their thread. It was much easier before. I hope I explained that right. Have a great gamble-free day!
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(((Carole))) it is great to see you posting again as I so miss you around here. I find that I am continuing to work on the posting here, but it is getting easier. I just wish it was the opposite way around with the most recent first, but we have to go to the end of peoples posts then post. It is interesting that change is always challenging whether it is good change or not. I think we are creatures of habit and it is easy to stay in the status quo and that is why I so admire your strength to do what you have done. I am so happy that you are now starting to do more for yourself in eating healthy and walking. I know that it is something that I need to do as well. I wish I could wave a magic wand and just like that all the extra weight was gone!!! I know that is a dream and if I don’t do something about my weight then nothing will change. WTG on the wonderful progress that you are making in your life.
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Hi Carole, I am glad that you are adjusting to your new life! My Daughter and Grandson are going to live with me for awhile as she needs to build her new home. She bought 40 acres about 1 hour from where I will be living. She is building a eco-friendly home and said that she would build one for me but it is too remote for my liking. Population of 3100 people. I am moving from this big city to a town of 15,000, enough of a shock!!! Change is good, hard sometimes but most of the time worth it!! I think that you are doing well with the changes you have gone through lately. It will be good when you have your own place and maybe a small yard where you can have a dog or two. I am finally getting the hang of this site and finding it easier to post. Take care of yourself!!
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Thank you (((friends)) for your kind posts. I have been staying at my daughter’s house in the country since Thursday as they have gone to Vegas with a bunch of their friends. They will be back tomorrow which is Monday. I am cooking a turkey dinner for my granddaughters today. Danny is coming for dinner as well. We have been spending time together but he is still difficult to get along with at times. His granddaughter is getting married in Mexico in March and he was told he wouldn’t be getting an invitation to the wedding, which hurt him I’m sure, though he won’t acknowledge it. I got angry about it, as I don’t like to see family members hurt him. He has been excluded from family dinners before due to his negative behaviors, by this same daughter who he raised since she was 5 years old. It is his ex-wife’s daughter. I still love Danny but I can’t live with him due to his anger management problem. I feel sorry for him that he has COPD and MS. I need to get serious about identifying and applying for jobs once I get back home. Carole
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Hi Carole, It’s good that you are spending time with your Granddaughters. Turkey dinner sounds yummy!!! That is awesome that you include Danny in your plans. Carole, I understand your concern with about him getting hurt by family members but that is up to him to change his negative behaviors, only he can change himself. My first look at homes yesterday was disappointing. Most of the home I looked at were dumps needing a lot of work, which I don’t want to do. Since it is a small town, the amount of money I want to spend limits my choices. I will keep looking. My Daughter is opening a retail store with clothes and décor aimed more at the younger crowd. Part of our university is opening a campus in the town and now most of the stores cater to the older age range. She is going to continue freelancing and sub contracting work (graphic design, what she does now) as she knows the store will struggle for awhile. I was thinking the other day, we are switching environments as you moved to the city and I am moving to a smaller town. Have fun with the Grandkids and take care.
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Hi Carole i was so glad to see you posting again.. sounds wonderful being at your daughters and cooking the turkey dinner, i am sure it will be appreciated. Good you are on talking terms with Danny but also good you are away from the terrible way he treated you. Whats happening with the cats?
P
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Thank you for the post on my thread and I am so happy that you are starting to post again. I miss you so much when you are not around here!!!!! I believe that Danny has not given up on a reconciliation with you Carole, and who knows he may go for counseling, anger management or something to help himself. I am glad that you are getting to spend time with your Granddaughters, and it is great that you included Danny. I have to say that when you mentioned Vegas I thought that I would love to be able to have a trip there again. I know that I would not go on a trip there, but the thought of the fun you can have, but I don’t think I could go there and not play those slots. Well, it is what it is, and there are lots of other places I could visit.
We had my daughter, son and girlfriend over for Thanksgiving Dinner. My daughter actually came and cooked dinner as I had a terrible cold. The dinner was great and we Skyped our son, his wife and our Grandkids so it was like having the family together. I am back to work today and thank goodness the cold is getting better. Keep posting!!!! -
Thank you (((Friends))) for your kind posts! Cat- so sorry to hear that you have a cold. That was so nice of your daughter to come over and cook the meal for everyone. You did something right raising that girl!! I know exactly what you are talking about regarding the Vegas thing! Ever since my daughter asked me to mind the granddaughters, I’ve had thoughts of going to Vegas. Not to go ziplining like they did, or to see a show. I would get off the elevator at the hotel I was staying at, and wouldn’t get very far from the first bank of machines before I would start gambling. And I wouldn’t stop gambling till I ran out of money. So then my reasoning goes like this: So why bother spending the time and money travelling to Vegas when I could use that money to gamble locally. I tell you it’s insanity this disease. It’s a battle for me most days as I crave some “fun,” even though there is no fun for a cg. I am banned from the casinos in my province, but not from every corner bar that has vlts. One day at a time, and moment by moment is all I can do. Carole
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I am really battling urges to gamble today. I’m reading other people’s threads in the hope of finding inspiration not to gamble. Danny keeps talking about buying motor homes and houses and expecting me to look at these pictures on his IPAD, and all I want is to be left alone or escape by sleeping. He leaves to go back to work early tomorrow morning but will be at my place till about 7:00 pm. He wants me to go for a walk and to go grocery shopping but I don’t feel motivated to do those things. All I’ve done so far today is laundry. Carole
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Looking for inspiration not to gamble, Carole!?
If only you could see my Bank balance, my putty face,beady eyes, sagging tummy, fat ass, not to mention the mental, emotional, psychological, social and spiritual destruction you would quickly have a re think!
Gambling has aged me ten years!
And that’s only the last binge!
The long term gambling has caused equal long tern effects and all I can say is by God, I’ ve paid for my FUN!I would not inflict that TORTURE on my worst enemy Carole so PLEASE do not succumb to a temptation that will pass if you stay close to this site and cling on to every bit of help you can get.
If Danny is bugging you, just tell him to take a walk alone and bring your credit cards in his pocket!
Take a fool’s advice and don’t walk into the trap Carole.
You know how it will end up. No matter how much you win, you will leave a loser!
Get down on your knees and pray or scrub a floor . Anything but the self inflicted torture of gambling ! -
It seems from talking to Danny that our sale of our home and property is falling through, as Dale has said that his bank is “screwing him around,” and he’s having difficulty with the Municipal District we live in, approving the plans he had for the property. I don’t know yet what that will mean for me. One thing is that I’m not going to be able to buy a condo in the city. I still don’t have a job yet and haven’t been called to interview for any, though I haven’t applied for many. I’m sure that Danny isn’t going to support me financially on a long-term basis, especially when he is paying someone else to clean and manage the renters’ house. I have a lease on my suite till the end of June, 2014. And a 3 year contract on my internet and cable provider. On a good note, I have followed my healthy eating plan for 2 weeks now. Have I lost weight? I know what I weighed when I went to the doctor’s and have no plans to weigh myself anytime soon. I will let my clothes tell me how I’m doing. Carole
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Dear (((Carole))) it is funny when you read someone’s post and something just hits you. I read where you posted about having fun and I know that is how I felt about gambling at first. I had found something fun to do and it made me happy. It got me to thinking is that what we are looking for in our life in general… more fun, more excitement. I wonder if we get to a certain age and we can’t do the things we did before. There are so many changes as our kid’s leave and we have the empty nest syndrome. We face our own aging. I find that things I did before that were fun don’t seem to be as much fun anymore. Also, everything I do seems to take me longer. For example I could clean the house to top to bottom in a few hours. I seemed to have so much more energy. I know that I need to lose weight and I am sure that would help. I know that depression can cause lots of these feelings. It really makes me think if we are searching for something. Maybe we want to be younger LOL We are going to be doing some renovating around the house and I don’t seem to get the excitement for that any more. I think for me It is good to think about all these things and try and work it out.
I am reading a book about barriers right now and it is interesting to me. I am learning so much about myself. I know that I need to work on ME. I need to find out what I enjoy doing. It is almost like I am trying to find out who I am now. I know that gambling is not the answer as it causes me so much stress, financial hardship. I wish we lived closer as then we could go for coffee and have a real visit and chat. Take care and I hope those urges have eased off for you. -
Good morning Carole,
It has been a while since I have posted to you, but it was not because I was not thinking of you and the influence and inspiration that you have added to me and in my recovery. I have been busy in doing some laundry myself, washing away a lot of my past and the regrets that seem to hang on. I too am still having urges to gamble, but instead of battling those urges I am working at moving forward — there is no reason to fight a battle that we cannot win when it is better to just avoid the fight by keeping ourselves in the arena of progressing in being gambling free and not entering into one where the outcome is predetermined.
Again, thanks you your support and friendship, I have been able to reach another milestone with the help from you and others.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep moving forward.
Larry
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Thank you (((Cat))) and (((Larry))) for your kind posts to me. Congratulations Larry on reaching that milestone! I know that finding happiness lies within me and that no on else can make me happy. I get what you’re saying Cat about the things that used to make you happy, aren’t as enjoyable as they once were. I used to quilt, scrapbook, and make jewellery. Those things no longer interest me in the least. And I believe that for me watching my mother and my aunt age and become more dependent on outside help, really brings home the mortality issue. Because I smoke, I sometimes wonder when the shoe is going to drop healthwise. Yet I don’t live life as if today could be my last day. Instead I live by the motto “Time well wasted!” I keep putting off things that are begging for my attention, like cleaning certain things in my suite. I am just so lazy and unmotivated. The only things that bring me joy are spending time with friends, my cats, and travelling. I should seriously be looking for a job…………Carole
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(((Carole))) it sounds as if you are feeling a bit down right now. It is strange how we go through all of these different emotions and sometimes we don’t know why. I wonder if adrenaline has been keeping you going as you were just all systems ahead with moving to the City and then after you got moved you are just a little burned out. You have to think of all the things you have been through recently. You left Danny, you had to part with your dogs, you moved homes to the city and I am sure there are other things I have missed. Those are all major stressful and emotional things to do at the same time. I believe with some of your posts that Danny is still around so you are still dealing with some of his issues. You are also looking for a job. There are now questions if the sale of the house in the country will go through. I think you are still going through some stressful times. I think you need to be patient with yourself and take it one day at a time. Congratulations on achieving two weeks of eating healthier. I know that is something I need to work on. I forgot to mention that you hurt your foot as well. Chin up (((Carole))) and you will get there one day at a time. I am working on getting more done myself and I am finding my “30 minute timer” seems to help. When I don’t want to do anything I say okay I will do 30 minutes and start the timer and before I know it I hear the beep, and by then I am usually into doing something. I then set it for another 30 mins or so. We are going to be doing some renos around the house and you know whenever I think of paint I always think of “mushroom oyster” or it could be oyster mushroom!!!! ((((Carole)))) take care
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The sale of the house is not going to go through. I’m not sure what I’m going to do except keep looking for a job. I had a great time out with my granddaughter tonight. We went to a Thai restaurant and had a nice meal there and then we went to see Runner Runner with Ben Affleck! What a handsome man he is!!! Then we played arcade games which was fun! I had made plans to go out with my granddaughter earlier in the day and when it came time to go, I really wasn’t feeling it, but I went anyways, so as to not disappoint her. Normally on a Saturday evening she’s at the bar with her friends. I was glad I went as I enjoyed the evening. Carole
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I think thats one of the hardest things about recovery-waiting for the good things. I know in my case I just assumed that when I came into recovery that my life would somehow just be better on all fronts. It was that unrealistic expection that lead to my “slip” after 16 months. I believe that was building up for a long time-I kept waiting for this “better” life and while somethings did improve it just wasn’t what I had expected.
I think I have readjusted my thinking over the last 18 months-I no longer wait for my night in shining armour to rescue me and am a bit more greatful for the little things. I’m not saying this is you-my gosh you have been though major change for sure-but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Try not to get discouraged that things are’t going according to schedule. God has His own schedule and timeline for us somehow. We just have to be patient until it all falls into place. Just remember gambling only adds to the complications and solves nothing.
bettie -
The house sale falling through was not a total surprise to me as Dale saying he was working on the financing and a permit to develop the land had been going on for months. The house brings in a lot of rental income as we have 7 bedrooms rented out. My sister-in-law has been doing the managing of the house and the cleaning for $2,000 a month and she does an excellent job. My lease is up at the end of June, and I do have the option of moving back to the country if I don’t find a suitable job. I noticed that there aren’t many jobs in my field in the city. I relaized yesterday that the biggest reason there aren’t a lot of jobs is because when I was looking before I moved, I was looking at all the jobs in my field province wide. With my age and the number of years I’ve been out of the paid workforce, I believe that also makes a difference. I’m just going to have to do the day at a time. Within walking distance of me is a drop in ceramic studio. I saw people of all ages there. I used to do ceramics decades ago and it doesn’t interest me all that much but it may be somewhere to go occasionally. I saw advertised that Loretta Lynn was having a concert at a local casino. Many of you won’t know who she is. I’ve never seen her in concert and prefer to remember her voice as it was. She is 81 years old and I can’t imagine her having the energy to give a concert. One of my problems in the city is my small support network of friends. I could have more friends here but I don’t want to be friends with people that talk behind my back and who are emotionally draining at this stage of my life. I’d rather have no friends than bad friends! Carole
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Hi there… sounds like things are a bit topsy turvy for you right now. I was suprised you mentioned you could move back to the country. Are you regretting moving now? I guess you just have to do what is best for you. I would hate to hear of you going through all that emotional abuse again. Are you still gokng to counselling? I think you have been very brave and if this new chapter is not working you can always try a different one when the time is right. How are those cats? I am glad you haven’t gambled through any of this. Glad you have family around you too. Sounds like you had a good time with them recently.
P -
Maybe a different buyer will turn up for the house Carole!
Maybe if you advertise more widely it will increase your chance of selling.
‘Sounds like a profitable little business!
I guess you miss being busy.
You sound lonely.
Why not try other areas of work if there are no positions available in your profession?
Work will give purpose to your life.
Have you looked at any ads for other jobs?
I don’t think we will ever find “perfect” friends…or perfect husbands or kids either!
Making the best of what we have is often the only thing we can hope for.
“Far away hills are green!” -
Hi Carole, I am sorry the house deal fell through and that you are haven’t found a suitable job. Keep positive, things will turn around. I think the ceramic studio sounds like a cool place to go to. I just returned from my San Diego trip. It was awesome. We spread my Husband’s ashes this morning in the ocean and each of us said what we are going to miss about him. I feel that we have closure now, even my Grandson. We sat on the beach for awhile and watched the waves and surfers as they were the only ones brave enough to be in the ocean. It was a foggy, cold day and the ocean was really choppy. We only got out there up to our knees. I am starting my packing tomorrow as I only have 3 1/2 weeks till I close on my new home. I really feel good about the move and when I walked into the house, I felt like I belonged there. I would love for you to come and visit me. Take care Carole. Talk soon.
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You sound a bit down and lonely right now. I know that the changing of the season can have that impact on me. I love fall, however, it does not seem to be lasting long here and it feels as if winter is just around the corner. The forecast is to be around -4 all week. We have started working on going through “stuff” in the storage room in the basement. It is amazing how much stuff you hold on to. We are going to empty it all out then paint the walls and put new flooring in the storage and laundry area. We are also putting an egress window in the bedroom down there. We are also going to update the bathroom with new shower, toilet sink, paint and new flooring. Once that is done then we will paint the rec room/den and office area and then we will pull the carpet out from the bedroom and everywhere and get new carpet. I am exhausted thinking about it. It is our winter project. I don’t know where I am going to get the energy to do it all. I don’t know why but I always feel better if we have a project that we are working on, or a trip to look forward to. I think it is better to spend our money on this than on gambling.
Carole, how do you feel about moving back to the Country? What do you really want to do? Did you join or go to any of the groups that you were going to go to in the evening? It may be good for you to go to the gambling group as you will meet new people who understand the compulsive gambling. I would say keep an open mind and meet some new people who understand what you are going through. Why don’t you try and get a part-time job to see how you enjoy it as you have so much to offer. Take care!!! -
Thank you (((friends))) for your kind posts! (((Liz))) I’m so glad to hear that your weekend went well. I was thinking about you and about the scattering of your husband’s ashes. I saw the pic of you and your Boo on fb. Really cute!! (((Cat)) That amount of work for a winter project is huge, unless you’re going to hire or have people to help you. But when it’s done, I know it will look awesome. ((((P))) I am not regretting moving to the city and don’t want to have to move back if I can’t find a job. That’s why today I started seriously looking for work. I am even considering parttime work just to get my foot in the door, so that I can apply for internal positions that may come up later. I applied for 3 positions today, 2 of them parttime and one of them fulltime but in the inner city area. I didn’t want to work in the inner city area due to a fear of bed bugs, but I fear not getting a job more. The house is not listed (((Vera))) as it is a good retirement income. Right now my sister-in-law is managing it, and we still make money. I did some personal organizing today which I’ve been procrastinating about. The time for foolishness and laziness is long past, and if I want to get out of this funk I’ve been in, I’m going to have to do what I need to do, to move forward. I am doing well with my weight loss and that is a day at a time thing. That alone will make me feel better. I deleted the skill game I play online as I was wasting hours a day playing that. Carole
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(((Carole))) that is awesome that you have applied for a few jobs today. I wonder if the house sale not going through, and with you not wanting to go back to the country to live it may have been the motivation you needed to make a decision and try for the inner city area. As you say just getting your foot in the door is a start. I am sure that you would be able to move from the inner city as well. It is awesome that you are doing well with your weight loss. I wish I could get through one day, but just can’t seem to get there yet. I know I will one of these days, and I hope it’s soon as if I eat healthy it usually makes me feel better and I have more energy!!!
I am hoping that if I start doing more around the house that it will help me with the weight as well. I know that it is going to be a long slow process in getting the basement done. It will also be the same with the weight… a long slow process. I always want instant gratification when it comes to weight loss. I decide I want to lose weight and I want it NOW. I know that I have to change my thinking process with that. Have an awesome day!!!! -
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Hey Carole, I have a suggestion for you. Next time the gambling bug bites, give it more than a one liner in your journal. Instead of saying “I gambled yesterday” or “I gambled last night” how about talking about what led up to the incident and how you felt during and after. It helped me to talk about the times I went down to the casino because eventually I figured out what was triggering it. It was not always the same thing but sometimes insite can help us avoid it from happening the next time. Also I found it very therapeutic to talk about how I felt while I was gambling and afterwards, when I read back in my journal I was either ashamed of myself, felt guilty, or was able to remember those feelings of remorse and it really did help. Just a suggestion because we all know that just admitting that we gambled doesn’t alleviate that guilt or make it okay. Hope you are enjoying your “space” as much as I am, I truly love having my own apartment right now and find tranquility in coming home from work and being able to just relax, cook what I want, eat when I want and watch what I want on t.v, lol. Congratulations on the will power for the weight loss, that will be my next project to tackle after giving up smoking. One thing at a time, the gambling had to go first, now I can move on to my other issues, lmao. Debbie
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I agree with Deb, Carole.
Saying ” I gambled” is not the full story.
When I want to come clean with my husband, I send him a text saying ” I gambled! So what! I suppose you’re happy now!” I deflect from what lies beneath THAT episode of gambling. Its my way of justifying or undermining the seriousness of what I have done.
If you feel like telling us any details Carole, you know everyone here is listening with an open mind. No judgement because not one of us can “cast the first stone!”
Just wondering did you gamble to reward yourself for cutting down on calories?
Feeding a need or needing a feed!
We women are complex creatures! -
Hi Carole
Just keep trying the days gamble free. When I said I never gamble once I mean I never go once then stop. My once turns into months so I am amazed when I see people come back after one episode. It never gets better does it. They say its progressive. Ive lived that for sure. Hope you are ok today. What about the support group or GA or counselling. Might be a good time to be round others with the same problem. Hope to see you post soon. Hows the kitty cats ?
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I slept terribly last night as well as had problems falling asleep. I was feeling disgusted with myself for gambling. I confessed to Danny this morning when he phoned me. I had been dreading telling him. I promised him I wouldn’t gamble today. I am enjoying living alone but I spend too much time alone. I am looking forward to finding some work soon, either casual, part-time, or fulltime, which will give my days more structure. It is scary that when I become self-sufficient financially, it’ll be another move away from Danny. I’m not rewarding myself with gambling for losing weight. The reward of losing weight is feeling and looking better. Carole
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Hi Carole, Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have been going through a lot lately. Just start over again and try to figure out what triggered your gambling. I have been having urges lately. I say to myself with all you have going on and you want to gamble? For me it is wanting to escape from stress and things that are hard to face. I am keeping myself busy with packing and my Grandson. The bad thing is there is a casino in the small town I am moving to, so it will be a challenge to stay out of it. I checked and they do have a GA group I can go to. I am determined to find other things to keep me busy. Take care of yourself. We are always the hardest on ourselves. Hopefully you will find work soon so you will be busy with that. Talk to you soon. Have a good day.
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Thanks Liz for the encouragement. It means a lot to me! I did not gamble today nor did I have any thoughts of doing so. I actually had a good day applying for jobs, going to Walmart with my granddaughter and purchasing mostly personal care items like bubble bath, body wash, etc. My granddaughter walked to my house and I made us a nutritious supper. I also watched the trial of the doctor accused of murdering his wife in Utah! I did have the thought of flying out there and sitting in that courtroom, to see the players up close and personal. I’m going to spend the rest of the evening reading and watching a bit of TV. I’m pretty sure I’ll sleep better tonight. I can well imagine you’re busy with packing up your condo. Have you listed it yet or are you planning to sell it yourself? For me change is always stressful, even good change. For me a quick possession date on a new place would be ideal, as it wouldn’t give me as much time to stress about the move. It’ll be so nice for you once you move, as you say that your condo doesn’t feel the same for you since your husband died. Maybe you could ask your daughters to come over one day and have a cleaning bee and then take them out for supper. I once invited a bunch of friends and my daughter to come over and help me paint a huge verenda. Once they were all there, I decided we should have a girls’ day instead so we barbecued, visited, and had drinks. The verenda didn’t get painted but we had a lot of fun! Carole
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Carole I wish I could say something to make things better for you but I can’t. Sometimes we can give good advice to others yet can’t seem to help ourselves. I would have to ask where did you get access to all the money you lost? What kind of barriers have you set up now that you are on your own?
What kind of help are you getting for yourself? We try “our way” time and time again only to prove our way sucks! It’s time for something else Carole I know you were bored with GA and reading the yellow book at the meetings. It was more than a year before I stopped READING the yellow book and started LISTENING to what it really says. We compulsive gamblers make it very hard when in reality it is very simple. Follow page 17 and keep an open mind. The program will work for ANYONE who workes it.
I believe Compulsive Gambling is an expression of the burden we carry. It’s our revenge for all the injustice we feel in life. The sad reality is it’s more like taking poison and expecting the other guy to die! It just doesn’t work that way.
Love you Carole!
bettie -
I am sorry that you gambled, but I am glad that you posted that you did it as it’s important that you are being honest and open about it. I believe that is progress for you as you would not have done that before. I am glad that you did not gamble yesterday. Did you make changes to the barriers that you had in place so that you could not get cash to gamble? Is it possible to do something else so to protect yourself from having money to gamble.? I wonder Carole if you know that you are going to gamble before it happens. I remember I would get this feeling that I just knew it was coming. I can’t explain it properly but I somehow knew. I think there is a group called better’s anonymous and they don’t say the last date they gambled. Is there one of those groups where you are? Reach out Carole and get all the support that you can. It may also help you to find new friends that you can have coffee with who understand what you are going through. These are all suggestions as only you know what is right for you. (((Carole))) I want what is best for you and I don’t think gambling is the answer. You have come a long way girl with all the changes that you have made.
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Hi Carole, I just wanted to see how you were doing today. My new home passed inspection and I am doing nothing but packing the next 5 days. Read my last post: they think they found my Step-daughter. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you have been through a lot of changes and I think that you have done well. I am glad that you didn’t gamble yesterday. Take care.
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I didn’t gamble today either. No urges at all! The money I used to gamble with was from our joint account and I simply went to the bank and withdrew it. It was planned before I even left my house. I totally get what you’re saying Bettie about trying to do things our own way, even when that way hasn’t worked before. That would be my nature all right! Carole
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(((Carole))) so glad that you did not gamble yesterday. I am suggesting that you post every day so that I know you are okay. I know that you are a smart lady and will figure out what you are going to do to protect yourself from this addiction. It does not matter what anyone else advises or suggests, we as individuals have to make our own choices.
Wishing you a day free of gambling!!!! -
Sorry, Cat, but I need to disagree with you. It DOES matter what others advise and suggest, isn’t that what we are really here for? I know that I may not have followed all the advice I have been given here but I am grateful for anyone’s suggestions because I needed the support I found here. If only one piece of advice or only one suggestion is helpful to someone and aids in their recovery then it is all worthwhile to keep and open mind and listen. Everything that people say here in compassion and caring matters. Debbie
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Carole, I hope you realize that I do care about you and your recovery a great deal. You were there for me and very supportive when I needed a friend, I will never forget that. Any suggestions or advice I give are given with love and concern for you in the hope that it will help. Thinking of you, Deb
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Thanks (((Cat))) and (((Debbie))) for your kind posts. I believe that Cat meant that no matter what people suggest, even if they are all helpful suggestions, ultimately it is up to us what we choose to do. I didn’t gamble today either. Instead I went to a trendy hair place and got a really good haircut. I met up with my friend Darlene and we went out for supper and then went back to her place and watched a thriller movie. I always enjoy spending time with Darlene. We worked together for 8 1/2 years and have been friends ever since then, though I didn’t see her that often when I lived in the country. She invited me to stay the night but I didn’t feel comfortable doing that. I would rather sleep in my own bed with my cats. Carole
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Darlene and I are going to the Comedy Club this evening, which I’m sure will be fun! It’s the same comedy club Liz and I went to when she was visiting. Next weekend we are going to the Fabulous Fifties which is a women’s show with booths, fashion show, stuff to buy, etc. I made a list of different venues like dinner theatres, entertainment acts coming to the city, and I plan to go to things that interest me. I have also started reading again which used to be a love of mine. I am on a search of what brings me pleasure. I started wearing jewellery a bit, and I’m planning on putting on make-up to go out tonight, which is something I gave up on almost 2 decades ago. I am realizing that self-care has so much more to do than just getting manis and pedis. For me it’s a different way of thinking and it’s all about me, all about what brings me pleasure. The things that make me happy! Carole
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I am glad to see that you are doing things that you want to do, and looking after yourself and your needs. It sounds as if you are working on rediscovering yourself. I hope you enjoyed the comedy show. Have you had any luck in your job search? I just wanted to make sure that you are okay as I get concerned when you have not posted for a few days. Take care and have a great gamble free day!!!
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Thanks (((Cat))) for your kind post. I have been busy as I interviewed for a casual position as a program assistant, and was hired, and I start my first shift tonight. I also had to get a medical as I am going for a class 4 license. I have been studying for the exam and once I pass that, then it’s onto the driving test. I have several other irons in the fire as far as employment and I look daily for jobs I am qualified to apply for. I have a bit of anxiety about working but I’m sure I’ll do fine. Carole
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Congrats on getting that job, Carole! Was it an all night shift? I hope you are not too “whacked” today! Going for a Class 4 license is a challenge. I think that’s equivalent to a D license here (for heavier vehicles like buses etc).
You won’t have time to even think of gambling once you get involved in work.
Take it easy. ODAAT! -
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Thank you (((friends))) for your kind words and support. I worked evenings yesterday and my next shift is evenings on Sunday. There is a lot of walking in this job and for that I am grateful as winter is coming, and walking outside when it’s cold is not my idea of fun, unless it’s in a tropical country. I am working as a program assistant at a not for profit agency, on a casual basis. I am hoping that I will at some point get a fulltime position when one becomes available. This job fits me to a T as I get to interact with other staff and agency clients. I really needed to get working so that I wouldn’t be lonely and bored which are triggers to me. I am appreciative that I now have a job, even if it’s just casual. It would have been exhausting physically and mentally had I had to step into a fulltime job at my age. This way I ease back into working fulltime. Tomorrow I am attending the Fabulous 50’s which is a ladies event. So for today I can say that everything in my life is where it should be. I am tired today though I will admit. I hope I can find the motivation to get a few groceries. Weight loss efforts are going well. I’m estimating that I have lost 10 pounds over the past almost month. I have worn makeup three times this week as well as jewellery, which is something I have not done for many years. I’m grateful for the friends I have here on GT, and for this recovery site. Carole
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((((Carole)))) so excited for you and your new job. It is wonderful that you are working part-time as I agree with what you say that it is a great way to ease in to full-time, if that is the way you want to go!!!! I think it is wonderful that you are getting exercise at work by walking. It’s like all things are lining up for you!!!
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Thank you (((Cat))) for your kind words! I absolutely could not have started working fulltime due to sleep issues and lack of stamina. I’m working evenings tomorrow and we are expecting 15 to 20 centimeters of snow, and it’s already started snowing. I don’t have snow tires on my vehicle yet, though I’ve asked Danny to bring them when he comes to the city on Monday. I went to the Fabulous 50’s show today which is a baby boomer women’s event. I bought myself two articles of clothing (a jacket and a shawl with arm holes???). They are so unique and when I had the jacket on several women stopped and told me that it was so “me.” I also stopped at a booth that has belly dancing for us all old gals. The lady said she can teach anyone to belly dance. I tend to believe her but will have to look to see if I have a regular work schedule before I commit to classes. I didn’t sleep well or much last night so it was hard to get up this morning to go meet my friends. After the women’s show we went out for a healthy lunch and when I came home I had a big nap as I was exhausted!!! I almost forgot to tell you this. The event was at a casino and on our way out, the gals I was with decided to stop and play a machine. For one second I was tempted but just sat there watching them. No gambling for this girl!! Carole
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Hi Carole, I need to catch up with you. Congrads on the new job. It sounds like it is a good fit for you. Good for you on not gambling!! I am hoping to close on my house on the 13th and moved on the 18th. There have been a few glitches, my realtor had to go back east for a funeral and the seller’s relator was out of town for 4 days. There are a few little things that need to be fix per my home inspector. I am hoping this can be done in time so we can stay on schedule. I am busy packing and getting things prepared for the move. The women’s event sounds like it was a blast. I am so happy that things are going well for you. Take care.
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Thank you (((Liz))) for your support and kind words! I’m hoping that whatever needs fixing gets fixed prior to possession date for you. My guess is that if the seller is motivated to sell, he/she will put fixing those things as their top priority. I’m excited for you to move to a house that you chose. You’ll have everything the way you wanted, and those 2 turtles you bought as a reminder of your trip to San Diego. You will live in a much cooler environment, which I’m sure you’ll enjoy!! Does it ever snow where you’re moving to? We had a winter storm that started yesterday later afternoon, and it looks like it’s going to stay. My vehicle is covered in several inches of snow and the roads are slick so I need to be very careful driving to work later today. I don’t have snow tires on yet! I’m guilty of magical thinking as I was hoping we wouldn’t get winter for a while! Your daughter’s retail store sounds like it’s going to have some interesting things to sell. I love unique clothing. My daughter and her running friends are travelling to San Diego tomorrow morning for a marathon, and they will be there for a week. It’s hard for me to believe that I’m back to working. Had I stayed with Danny, I wouldn’t of had to work, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I find that I am becoming more of who I used to be. I am more relaxed when I am alone, and have a more optimistic view of the world. I am no longer going to give my power away to anyone again. I’ve been blessed that I’ve had the time to adjust to the changes in my life without getting too overwhelmed. I have had anxiety about starting to work, and I feel some anxiety working my 2nd shift today. I know that once I feel that I know the job well, that this anxiety will pass. I just have to stay with my feelings for now. I have zero thoughts/urges to gamble. Carole
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I arrived at work 45 minutes early yesterday as the roads were good. Now that I’ve driven in winter conditions, I am no longer as stressed about winter driving anymore. My shift last night was physically and emotionally exhausting as I’m learning new things. I was asked to work a double shift from midnight to 8:00 am after my evening shift yesterday. I asked to let me think about it, and after thinking about it, I decided that self-care necessitated that I refuse the shift. Then I was called today which is a day off, to come in and work the reception desk and again I refused as I have other plans for today. I was hired as casual but am scheduled for three days this week. I can foresee being scheduled for fulltime hours in the not too distant future. Working part-time right now allows me to build my stamina up, to be able to work fulltime. (((Vera))) I cannot imagine how you worked full-time 12 hours shifts, as I would be a walking zombie if I had to do that!! Today I’m tidying up my house, doing laundry, and cleaning my bathroom. I actually wore make-up 5 days out of the past 7. Wearing make-up may not seem like anything big but it’s something I’ve done rarely in almost 2 decades. To me it’s another step in self-care as I feel more attractive wearing it. All that walking is also going to be helpful in my weight loss efforts, but it also makes me much hungrier. I am feeling better about myself and feel that I’m contributing to society in general by working. I am taking everything a day at a time!!! Carole
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Hi Carole i just wanted to say congratulations on getting the job.. i think its amazing, so proud of you to do what you have done. I think you have changed your life for the better for yourself and i am astounded at how you have just done it and are easing into work, sounds like a plan just doing part time for now. They must like you if they are offering you more shifts…. how could they not hey… you go girl, glad you are wearing make up now, do whatever to make you feel good. Thats wonderful
P
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WTG on looking after yourself Carole. I read your post and learned so much. I am like Vera and would probably have said yes to the double shift, even if it was not what I wanted. I realize by reading your post that it is okay for us to say no and put our self care as a priority. It is wonderful that you are feeling good about yourself and wearing make-up. It is amazing how when we put our make-up on we feel better about ourselves. I wear it all the time when I go to work and if I am going out in the evening. I don’t when I am running around doing errands at the weekend. It is amazing how everything is coming together for you. One day at a time is all any of us can do. Have a great day!!!!
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Hi Carole, I am proud of you for thinking of yourself and not working the double shift and extra hours. Self-care is something we as women don’t do enough of for ourselves. We always put other’s needs ahead of our own. So kudos to you!!!! Yes, it snows where I am moving but nothing compared to what you get. Sometimes the highway that leads to Phoenix gets closed due to the snow, so your not going anywhere. My house isn’t far from my Mom’s and I think it is time for me to be as I am seeing her slow down a lot which is normal with aging. She is happy that I am moving. My Sister only sees her once in awhile, so I am the only person whom she can lean on. Carole, good news, I am going to probate court on Dec. 4th. They thought they had located my Step-daughter but they have ran into a dead end again. It seems like a long time since we have seen each other though it hasn’t been that long. I am glad that you are enjoying your new job and that you are getting out and about with your friends. Take care! Talk soon!
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Thank you (((Liz))), (((Cat))), (((P))), and (((Vera))) for your kind supportive posts to me. I honestly did not have the stamina to do another shift, and I probably would have passed out, so it was good that I didn’t try and people please at my detriment. I also got an email from my credit card company asking me to do a survey online. My people pleasing nature kicked in for a few seconds as I thought I should be accommodating to them. Then I thought I didn’t want to do a survey and spend my time so I deleted the email. People pleasing comes in various disguises and it’s up to me to recognize whether I want to invest my time and energy in each individual situation. My plan for today is to read my driver’s book and possibly go write my class 4 exam. I work tomorrow at 10:00 am, and I would like to get this next step completed. Gambling is the furthest thing from my mind. I have no room for that in my life, so the thoughts don’t come. I’m grateful I have a job as it fills many needs, such as self-esteem, social interaction, loneliness, boredom,and some financial. (((Liz))) It seems as everything is falling into place for you too. I don’t know what happens at Probate Court so you’ll have to enlighten me. Whatever it is, I hope it’s good! Carole
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Wrote my class 4 exam and failed it! I was very upset as I am not used to failing when it comes to tests and exams. I didn’t study for it like I usually study, which is writing things down that I feel are important. I simply read the book. Just prior to walking into the exam in the car, Danny and I had a fight as he was not respecting my simple request to be dropped off at the front door of the registries office, as it was icy. Instead he parked on a side street. He even folded his arms and pushed me in the car which is something new as he has never been physical with me before. I was very upset by this behavior and told him later in the day that should he ever display this kind of behavior towards me again, that I would have to do something about it. By something about it I mean going to the police and filing a report. I was hired for casual and am working 6 eight hour shifts in a row and taking a refresher course on Friday before I work that shift. The schedule is posted weekly but I’m sure next week’s schedule will be fulltime hours by the time it’s all said and done. I like the job as it makes me feel appreciated and gives me some financial security if Danny decides not to keep helping me out financially till I get a job that pays better in the workplace I’m already at. I also like that I’m forced to be more active physically with all that walking. Yesterday I had the opportunity to walk in the snow covered meadow with clients over the lunch hour. My focus these days is working hard and doing a really good job at my shifts and of eating healthy. That keeps me occupied as I had way too much time on my hands when I first moved to the city, a few months ago. I luxuriate in the time when I get home from work and totally relax for a few hours before I’m able to sleep. I love the evening shift though I am working days occasionally. It fits with my biological clock! My stamina is building up faster than I expected. I want to live the rest of my life in health and not in sickness due to lifestyle decisions I make. Carole
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Hi Carole, Don’t be soo hard on yourself. You can take the exam again. You’ve come a long way baby!!! Be proud of yourself. You have started a new life and job, ect… That’s a lot to be proud of!! Danny is out of control as he can’t manipulate you any more. You are standing up for yourself now!!! You are still entitled to half of the land ect… don’t forget that. Take care of yourself and keep smiling.
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(((Carole))) it is wonderful to read your posts and see how far you have come. There is definitely a more positive feel to them. You should be so proud of yourself and how far you have come. It is truly amazing what you have achieved over the last little while!!! You sound as if you are enjoying life and that you are happy.
Also, don’t worry about your test you will just re sit it and pass. I am so happy that things are working out for you.
You will know what to do in regards to Danny as you are getting stronger and stronger the more that you are progressing in your new life. Have a wonderful day!!! -
Thank you (((Bettie))) (((Cat))) and (((Liz))) for your kind supportive posts. I have been put on fulltime hours now which gives me enough money to pay my basic expenses such as rent, utilities, and groceries, if Danny doesn’t keep helping me out financially. My hope is to move up in the organization I presently work in, at some time in the future, so that I can better support myself. Today I am working 11 hours, till midnight, and then I have to be on shift at 8:00 am tomorrow. That is not going to give me enough time to drive home, sleep, and get up at 6:00 am to get ready for work. I have the same scenario Sunday till midnight and then have to be on shift Monday morning at 8:00 am. I was hired as casual and within 4 shifts am working fulltime hours. I found this job in the “hidden” job market. It really is a blessing though it is demanding emotionally and physically. Carole
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(((Carole))) I have been thinking of you even though I don’t always post. It is amazing how you are moving forward in your life step by step. You have done so much in gaining your independence and having the life that you want. I am sure that being out working again is helping your confidence and self esteem so much. You are realizing that you have so much knowledge and skills to contribute to society. You are also looking for things to do that interest you when you are not working. I am so proud of you and how far you have come. You are also using make-up now and working at eating healthier and getting exercise. Wow, you go girl and don’t look back as you are not going that way!!! Have an awesome gamble free day!!!
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Thank you (((Cat))) and (((icandothis))) for your kind supportive posts! I too haven’t posted much other than to my own thread, as I am suddenly very busy, trying to manage fulltime employment. I don’t know if anyone has admired me before, but I really appreciate that you said that (((icandothis))). My gambling recovery has been far from perfect, but truth be known, I have learned a lot about recovery and myself. Since I’ve started working, it seems like gambling isn’t a problem for me as I don’t even get thoughts, even in stressful situations. I did have a thought of drowning my stress in a DQ ice cream blizzard but was able to convince myself that it isn’t in my healthy eating plan for now. Some people may say I am getting complacent, but truth be known I get to attend 12 step programs where I work, and get to support people in their alcohol and drug addictions. That helps me in my recovery. The positive changes in my life have come over an almost three year period of time that I’ve been in recovery . Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I live a day at a time, and just get through that day. A few of my favorite mottos are : It is what it is! Progress not perfection! I have never regretted my decision to move out on my own. I believe that timing has a lot to do with success, and if I try and push things through before I’m ready, things don’t work well for me. It took me almost 3 years to start addressing my weight issue. I waited till I felt ready. Ready for me was when the feelings and thoughts associated with being overweight outweighed the sacrifices of eating healthier, if that makes sense. It was like the way I felt when I first got into gambling recovery. It was easier to be in recovery than living the lifestyle associated with compulsive gambling. I am thankful that I didn’t have to hit a lower rock bottom than I did before the insanity stopped. Carole
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Hey Carole you asked me about work. The new boss is OK-but like all salesmen he puts sales before customers needs. I find this frustrating as I have had 2 ocassions to “clean up” his mess-and the funny part being I don’t see what the heck he gained. I am trying to go with the flow as it were. I have to watch my p’s and q’s around the new assistant. It seems to me that she is also intimadated by me even though I told her day 1 that i have no interest in her job.
This still beats all the drama with the old boss for sure. I had to do my year end review and had to look at all the unkind negative remarks my old boss has written about me. It did not make my day!
I am glad to see you setteling in with your new job. I believe you are getting much more than a paycheck-you sound like a new person-and I admire that too!
bettie -
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I have been identified as a match to be a bone marrow donor. When they call me back I will have to go get blood work to see if I have enough markers in my blood to be a complete match to the person who needs the transplant. I am so hoping that I am a complete match so that I have an opportunity to save someone’s life. It was never on my bucket to list, but it is now. I’m off course not gambling now and do not have thoughts or urges, though I do admit that I had a thought of it because until I know for sure if I’m a match, I’m on pins and needles. If I’m not, I will feel low, but I’m expecting to feel that way. So I’ll be prepared for it! I have a job interview tomorrow for a term position that pays exceptionally well. It’s a foot in the door for internal permanent fulltime positions that get posted. Truth be known, I can hardly even think about the interview and getting prepared for it, because I so want to be a match for someone who needs my bone marrow. Carole
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(((Carole))) it is awesome that you are on the bone marrow registry to start with, and then to receive a call that you have to go for tests to see if you are a complete match for someone. I think that would be totally amazing to be able to help save a person’s life. It could be a child for all you know. OMGosh I am so proud of you for signing up to start with.
Good luck at your interview and don’t stress out about it. You go in and show them what you are made of and that they would be lucky to have you work for them. I think that you have been working will help with your confidence as you now know you can go back into the work force and have lots to offer them. Have a wonderful gamble free day!!!! -
Thanks (((Cat))) for your kind posts to me. Sorry I haven’t been posting much to others on GT, but I’ve been trying to manage the changes in my life. I have a job interview this afternoon and I’ve prepared enough as long as I can go in there and relax and not have my mind go blank, like what happened in my interview in October. I only slept a couple of hours last night as I was thrilled with anticipation of possibly being a complete match as a bone marrow donor. And in between those thoughts going over in my head some of the answers to the possible questions they may ask today. I hope if they hire me that I can get time off for the trip to Disneyland I am going on December 13 to the 17th with 2 of our grandkids. I always hate asking for time off when I start a job. And what if I’m a match, then I’ll need time off for that as well. It doesn’t seem to be a good time to be applying for a job but I want that foot in the door as the pay would allow me to live comfortable as it is twice as much as I was making as a program attendant. One day at a time!! Today it’s the job interview. Carole
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My interview went well yesterday and I was able to answer all the questions that were asked. I overprepared for this interview as they didn’t ask any information based on questions such as the Act they fall under and definitions of the formal process to have patients committed or even what about psychiatrist diagnoses, etc. It was more about why I was suited for this position and scenario questions. It’s 11:30 am and none of my references have been contacted yet. I understood them to say that ideally they would like someone to start work on Monday. Today is Friday and these people don’t work on the weekend. I have been contacted by the bone marrow registry in Ottawa. The lady said it could be a week or two before anything happens when it comes to finding out whether I’m a complete match for donating my bone marrow to the person who needs it. In my mind, I would have expected to see things happening right away. So at least I know what’s happening with that part of my life. I hate being in limbo and in the past, that would have been a prime time for me to “cope” by gambling. Ken L would tell me to do the next right thing for me, so I just did, and put my sheets in the washing machine. I have not been sleeping the past few nights which is also dangerous to a cg. I won’t be gambling today!! I need to be patient and cope with life on life’s terms. Hopefully I will sleep tonight. Carole
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I did get some sleep last night, though I woke up during the night and it was completely dark outside. I did manage to go back to sleep, so I’m not as exhausted as I have been feeling. My Aunt suggested that I may have mild Bi-polar disorder, as it takes me time to recover from the highs and lows I experience. I googled mild bi-polar disorder and it doesn’t exist. I looked at borderline personality disorder and that wasn’t me either. I believe that I’m just more sensitive emotionally than most people due to childhood abuse. That has been a theory of mine that addicts in general are more sensitive than the general population due to abuse and trauma in their lives, and that’s why we self-medicate to manage our painful feelings. The trick for us addicts is learning new coping skills. Carole
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I loved your post on Bettie’s page. It is so true how we look at facts and the reason why something turned out the way it did for someone else. However, when it is us we beat ourselves up and don’t say nice things or thoughts to ourselves. Keep thinking positive that things will work out for you with a job. I believe that it will all happen as it is meant to, but it is so hard to stay positive when we want everything in place. You will find a job that you like and that utilizes your skills. We sometimes have to step back and realize how far we have come. I know that we have to focus on today and for me it is what I have to do. We can look back and get lost on all the things that we did wrong, or we can say, wow I have come a long way since I started recovery!!!! I don’t think I will ever feel totally comfortable/secure about not playing those machines again. That is why I just focus on today as I know that I can get through it!!!
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Hi Carole
You amaze me how you go ahead with things in your life, i think its a credit to you. A new home, a new job, applying for another job, going from part time to full time almost instantly, being a donor. Wow my head spins at the thought. I just admire the way you have gotten on with your life, you have left an emotionally abusive relationship, often talked of but not often done by many. You did it!! So proud of your progress Carole… and, you are NOT gambling. Way to go and i hope you can see your amazing progress like i can
P
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Hi Carole I think that you are a amazing woman. Moving, being on your own and going back into the work force. Moving was a lot easier for me than I originally thought it would be. I am getting settled in my new home and surroundings. I hate it when I go to the city 2 days a week to take care of my Grandson. Not that I don’t love being with him. I am getting used to the small town feel of things. I will be glad when they move here in June. Give yourself some credit as you have really accomplished a lot!! Take care.
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Thank you (((Friends))) for your comments and support. I quit my job at the treatment centre. There was the expectation that I would work the equivalent of 7 days a week because they were short-staffed. Emotionally and physically I couldn’t manage that. I won’t go into what a toxic workplace it was. The guy that started working there at the same time as I did is no longer working there as well, and the only 2 fulltime staff they do have, are looking for other employment. Today I am receiving a phone call from One Match and they are going to do a health evaluation with me over the phone. I don’t have any serious health problems so I don’t expect this to be a problem. They probably ask you questions about whether you have Hep C, HIV, heart problems, ever had cancer, etc. The step after that will be to go for more blood work. I asked the lady yesterday how they determine a person is a match for someone needing bone marrow. She said that it isn’t blood type but rather DNA. So that means that somewhere in the world someone matches part of my DNA, that is not a related to me. It makes me feel that I’m part of a bigger picture in this world. The next blood work will determine whether I have enough DNA markers to be a complete match to this person needing marrow. Bone marrow registries are linked worldwide, so a person can donate their marrow in Canada, but it may go to someone in another country. If a person is deemed to be a complete match then you are allowed information such as the gender, age, and diagnosis of the person needing the bone marrow. I wish I knew the odds of being a complete match. I am concerned that I won’t be a complete match, and that will leave me extremely disappointed. Carole
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The Canadian Bone Registry does NOT allow you to know any information such as gender, age, or diagnosis the lady said. It’s their policy, though different countries have different rules. I have blood work booked for December 2nd and she said they take 8 to 10 vials of blood. I didn’t know I was going to give a blood donation! Lol! She said that because the case isn’t urgent, it will be 2 months before I know if I’m a complete match for the person. You know me; I hate being in limbo about anything!!! Carole
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Seeing as I’m not working at the present time, I am going to go with Danny and his daughter’s two kids to Disneyland on December 13th. I could use a time out from this winter weather and a change of scenery. it will be wonderful to see the grandchildren’s excitement, as they have never been, and their parents could never afford to take them. I am slipping back into old habits since I quit my job. My healthy eating hasn’t been so healthy in the past week. I don’t want to lose the gains I have made by losing some weight, so I am going to have to smarten up, like right now. My days consist of doing nothing. I have a lot of cleaning I could be doing, but I keep procrastinating on that, as it isn’t fun. I could be outside walking but instead I am on my computer or watching TV. I stay up late and sleep late every day. I didn’t get the job I applied for, which kind of sucks, as it leaves me with too much time on my hands. My daughter and 4 1/2 year old granddaughter will be in the city a week from now so I’m looking forward to that. I am going for a haircut today, which gives me a reason to leave the house. I feel like I’m back in the same place emotionally I was, before I started working. Nothing meaningful to do!!! I had to quit my job as the workplace was too toxic for someone in recovery, which is a huge irony as it was an addiction treatment centre. Carole
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Hi Carole, Hang in there and don’t get discouraged. I think going to Disneyland and away from your environment is a great idea. Have fun watching the Grandkid’s excited little faces. I am glad that you quit your job as it sounds like a very negative place. Stay strong and positive as a new job will come your way which is more suited for you, then everything will fall into place. Take care.
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Thank you (((Liz))) for your encouraging words. I know that once I get another job, my outlook on life will be very different. Yesterday I ate healthy, and am planning to do the same today. I am going to have to train myself on going to bed earlier, an hour at a time, so that I don’t waste most of the morning sleeping. Also to get myself organized when it comes to doing some cleaning daily. I am way too lazy and undisciplined!!! (((Liz))) It was sure nice to see your picture on facebook preparing your Thanksgiving meal. It makes me miss you. Carole
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Baby steps!! Ate healthy today and did a cleaning chore I’ve put off for five months. I did envy the Americans having big turkey dinners today, celebrating Thanksgiving. I did have a turkey dinner on our Thanksgiving but it was a healthy one prepared with no fats, so not that tasty. Planning to dial back my bedtime to an hour earlier tonight. Self-discipline involves sacrifice. And I didn’t gamble so all in all, a good day. Carole
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Hello.. sounds good, you even ate healthy at thanksgiving. Glad you are taking care of yourself its nice to see, us cg’s often neglect ourselves and its about time we cared about ourselves a little more, good example.
How is Ferris and the other one eyed furry friend. Haven’t heard of their adventures for a while. How are they getting along?P
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Thanks (((P))) for your supportive post. Ferris and Pablo are fine; they are each other’s best friends. They like each other more than the like me, judging by how much time they spend together. My friend Darlene and I went out for supper last night and then we went to the movie 12 Years a Slave, which was disturbing and raw. She is going to go with me on Monday when I go for my blood tests as I would feel more comforted having someone with me. She said it takes about 15 minutes for them to draw that many vials. I’m trying to decide what I should do today. I’m not going to do any Christmas shopping this year and will give cash gifts instead. I’m not decorating for Christmas either, and I don’t bake anymore. I don’t have any Christmas plans though my daughter has invited me to their home. I know that Danny wants to spend Christmas with me, but I will not be spending it with his family. His brother has told him that he should stop spending time with me, as I’m the one who left him, so it’s obviously over for me. If I choose to spend time with him, it’s not their business anyways!! It’s a mean comment to make I think. Especially from this brother who found out that his wife had been having sex with his lifetime best friend. He didn’t leave his wife, so who is he to pass judgement on whether Danny should or shouldn’t be spending time with me? Carole
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It is interesting how others always have an opinion on what we should do with our life. I would say do what you are comfortable doing Carole. If you want to spend time with Danny then do it, if that is what you both want. I am wondering why you are not putting up Christmas decorations this year. Although I am not putting them up either as we are going to be away for Christmas. I think when we have our kids in the house growing up it is part of the excitement of Christmas. If my Grandkids lived close to me then I would be excited about doing it. It will be fun to go to Disney with Danny’s Grandkids as you can’t help but get excited when you see the kid’s smiles and joy. I know that I am excited about going to see our grandkids at Christmas as they just get so excited, and it is contagious and you feel so good. I love kids and their innocence and excitement.
We are still working away in our basement and I really lack motivation for the project, however, I do want it done. I just get so impatient as I want it done fast, but when you are doing things yourself you have to be patient. It will be worth it once it is done. I am hoping that it is complete in the spring. It will give us a project in the winter when we are stuck inside with the freezing weather. Although when you work full time, I find that I don’t feel like doing much in the evening.
Take care and keep away from those machines (((Carole))) I know that sometimes I do wish that I could play them, but I also know that it would be the same old story if I put a dollar in them. I know that I have to keep working on myself and my emotions, but I know I also have to be patient with myself. Have a wonderful day!!!! -
Thanks (((Cat))) for your kind supportive post. We have a major problem with our trip to California. The grandchildren’s father will not sign the consent paper for the kids to travel with us, due to conflict between him and Danny’s daughter. They have been separated for a few years, but it never occurred to Danny when he purchased the tickets, booked the hotel, and bought the passes for Disneyland and Universal Studios, that this could ever be an issue. Danny sent an email to Jeremy, asking him not to punish his children, but so far we have not heard from him. Why would a parent disappoint his children in that way?? Danny did not purchase cancellation insurance either. I really hope that this gets resolved and that the grandchildren can go. I spent the day reading and had a bubble bath, and did some laundry.
When someone works fulltime at our age, who has the energy to work on any renovating/painting?
I am not putting up any Christmas tree or decorations because none of my grandkids will be in my home around Christmas. I am just not into Christmas this year. Carole -
Danny has been texting our ex-son-in-law and he’s agreed to let our granddaughter go to California with us, but he says no to our grandson. As a couple, they decided when the kids were young, to not get their children vaccinated. Our grandson was born with a hole in his heart that we were told usually closes over as kids age. Because he is not vaccinated, Jeremy refuses to let him travel, feeling like he would be at risk. It’s all just control and manipulation on his part. Danny’s daughter has 2 letters from doctors saying that it is safe for him to go to the US, but Jeremy says that his pediatrician says it isn’t. Danny has asked him to do the right thing and let his son travel with us. I hope this can be resolved as one can’t go with us, and the other stay home.
I’m stuck in an emotional rut since I quit working, staying home almost every day, all day long. There are things I could be doing, but I’m not. My insomnia is back and last night I was still awake at 5:00 am. Even my cats look bored! Carole -
Insomnia and procrastination seem to be my nemesis at this point. I had to reschedule my blood work today as it is snowing and the roads are slick and the police are reporting many accidents, and some highways closures. Flights are being cancelled both leaving and landing, so best not to risk an accident. I guess I’ll be home watching Dr. Phil today. I haven’t been outside of my house for the past three days. I can’t seem to track down my last paycheque and no one is returning my calls. Our grandson’s father is still not changing his mind about our grandson travelling with us, and has said that he will not change his mind. It is somewhat worrisome but it is something I have no control over. A few gambling thoughts but no urges. I have to keep reminding myself that bad things can happen to people that keep compulsively gambling. I have too much to lose if I gamble. I think that I would not stoop to illegal behavior to gamble but other people who never thought they would do what they did, have. None of us knows what our bottom could become. One day at a time. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am sorry that you are dealing with insomnia. I still have nights where I don’t sleep well. I can’t live on the sleeping pills but it is hard to have a clear head and function when you are sleep deprived. You don’t have any control over anyone but yourself. It is too bad that your grandson’s father won’t let him go to Disneyland. I’ve had a few gambling thoughts also but not strong urges and I don’t want to go there either. Stay strong. Isn’t that irritating, no one can tell you about your last pay check. I dealt with a lot of crap getting my Husband’s benefits, ect… in order and it is so frustrating. You might have to go to your employer in person to straighten it out. Take care and try to relax today.
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Thank you (((Liz))) for your kind post to my thread. Surprisingly, I don’t feel irritated by my “missing” paycheque as that is the way that organization operates. I’m going to try and phone them again today. My supervisor stepped down from his position so there is no supervisor to ask, and my old supervisor is vacationing in San Diego. I’m just happy that I’m not working in that dysfunction anymore. It affected my emotional health and screwed up my sleeping patterns and that is why I think I’ve been having insomnia. I was hoping that because it was a recovery centre, that it would be a healthy environment to work in. Danny has been negotiating with Jeremy to have our grandson travel with us, but no progress has been made. I had told Danny not to say anything negative or threatening to Jeremy even if he flat out refused to let our grandson go. Danny sent me a copy of the emails he had between him and Jeremy, and the last one sounded threatening to Jeremy, that he would lose what he had with his kids, and that he was glad that he wasn’t going to be the one to tell the grandkids that they couldn’t go to Disneyland. Jeremy has been diagnosed with borderline personality along with other mental health conditions, so I know that he is going to perceive what was communicated as threatening. I would react negatively to getting such an email. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Danny resorted to this kind of communication even though he had been clearly asked not to. Now we have no chance of our grandson travelling with us, short of a court order, which Danny said he would pay for. Jeremy’s reason for not letting his son travel is because he has not been immunized for childhood diseases, and it’s too late to get them as they need time to take effect. It was a decision that they both made while being married. We leave on December 13th for our trip so time is ticking by. Neither grandchild will be able to travel if both can’t go, which I agree with. My daughter is driving in from the country for an appointment today and there are vehicles littering the ditches along that highway because the roads are icy. I’m going to have to dig out my vehicle as it is snow covered and hasn’t been moved for 3 days. It will be good for me to get out for a while today, and as soon as I finish my morning coffee, I am going to color my hair. I’m taking it a day at a time in recovery, and I have to keep reminding myself that I have too much to lose to go back there, and of all the different bottoms I could experience. Carole
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I sometimes wonder why life can’t just work out how we want it to, but unfortunately that is not the case. It sounds as if you are going to get out for a while today which will be good for you after being in the house for three days. I understand so well about procrastination, but I keep thinking I will do it when I retire. I know that is just an excuse for me.
I hope that you get a trip to Disneyland as it would be a nice break to go somewhere warm just now. I hope that the father allows the kids to go.
Are you still applying for jobs? You never know what might happen from some of the interviews you go for, as sometimes it may not work out for the person they hire, and then there may be an opening. The more interviews you can get the better as it gives you practice. Good on you for not gambling!!!! It is tough as I am finding my thoughts are going to gambling lots lately. I am stressed so I find that is a trigger for me. I am starting to know these things so that helps me understand why the thoughts are coming. I just need to get my mind on other things, or stop procrastinating and do some of the stuff I need to do. You take care of yourself (((Carole)))) -
Thank you (((Cat))) for your kind post. I hear that you that you are struggling with thoughts and urges lately, due to stress. I know that you have some new staff hires so that has to be stressful. Are you stressed in any way about your upcoming trip? Overwhelmed about the basement renos?? Hubby? You have just passed your one year milestone, and I’m wondering it that has anything to do with your stress. I’m sure there were times you were white-knuckling it during that first year. Maybe it’s like “now what?” I hope that you rewarded yourself big time for that year of sanity! In January, would it be possible to have a “painting bee,” for a day or two, and then you could feed them supper, either home cooked or take-out. You supervise and let the others do the work. When I feel overwhelmed I have to ask myself what I can do so that I feel less overwhelmed. Danny’s daughter and her ex-husband are going to see the pediatrician today to get the facts on how at risk our grandson would be to go to California unimmunized. This appointment will resolve once and for all whether our grandkids are going on vacation with us. I’m hoping for the best, and we’ll hear later today. My daughter and 4 year old granddaughter spent the night here last night due to the road conditions and to avoid driving in the dark. The doctor is doing 2 procedures on her today and I am wondering if she’ll feel well enough to drive home today, though I know she wants to go home badly, and be in her own home and bed. We went to the mall yesterday and I bought her a gorgeous dress for a Christmas party, as her Christmas gift. My daughter can rock a flour sack. I finally talked to payroll today and she has a cheque has been issued and she will call the payroll company and see if they will direct deposit my money. That would be the easiest for me. It doesn’t matter much when I get the money as I’m not planning to use it for gambling, but I would like it sitting in my account. I almost forgot to say that I have lost 19 pounds in 2 months with myfitnesspal. I bought a scale yesterday and weighed myself this morning. I will not weigh myself more than once a month as I need to see progress. I’ve goaled for 6 pounds in December as we are going to California and with Christmas holidays, I want a reasonable goal. My daughter was surprised at how much of a difference the weight loss has made in my appearance. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. One day at a time! Carole
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After visiting the pediatrician Jeremy is allowing us to take our grandkids to California which is a huge relief as we’ll get to see Disneyland and Universal Studios through the eyes of our grandkids who have never gone before. I finally tracked down my pay cheque and it’s at the treatment centre and I have asked them to mail it to me. Danny is arriving today from working out of town and is going to stay the night as he is going to take me for my bloodwork tomorrow. I have asked him to go home after that so that I can rest, as they recommend that. The next time I see him we will be going on our vacation. My granddaughter will be living at my place with the cats while we are away. I still don’t know what I’m doing for Christmas Day. One day at a time!! Carole
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A week from today at this time, we’ll be on a plane flying to California, with 2 of our grandkids. It has been so cold here with the wind chill factor and low temperatures that even my bones feel chilled. I came home yesterday after running errands and had a hot bath, and I was still cold. It’s freezing out there today and I have to go for my bone marrow bloodwork. I’ll be glad when that’s over. I have been a fainter in the past and am hoping that doesn’t happen today. I heard from Vera and she is not gambling. Woowho!!! One day at a time. I won’t be gambling today. I have to keep reminding myself that I have too much to lose to go back to the old life, and what bottom could look like for me. That’s not somewhere I want to go, so I have to keep working at my recovery. Carole
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Bloodwork went better than I imagined it would be. I was impressed by all the young people donating blood, and by an older lady who was giving her 100th donation. I have a sore throat, a bit of a headache, am feeling under the weather, and have sniffles. I hope I am not getting sick. We are still enduring some very cold weather here, like 40 below. I won’t be going anywhere. My sister lives in Texas and they got snow there. Carole
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Sore throat and feeling under the weather turned into a serious head cold, and some coughing. An hour or so before Danny left my place, he took out his ipad and went to our joint account and started querying me as to what every transaction was about. Same thing he did to me last time he was here. He mentioned past gambling indiscretions and started talking to me meanly and paternalistic. I’ve been trying really hard and have not been gambling recently, so how is that helpful to bring up the past, just to have a reason to lord over me and treat me like a child. He keeps reminding me that he is supporting me and that I wouldn’t have my suite if he wasn’t supporting me. I stewed about how he had treated me all day yesterday and woke up at 4:30 am fuming. I called him and told him how disgusted I was with his behavior towards me, and that he was going to pay me x number of dollars per month till he could pay me my share of the house, and that this money would go into my own account, and that I would be accountable to myself for this money. I told him that I was reconsidering whether I wanted him in my life at all. It reminded me perfectly of why I left him. I resorted to my old way of dealing with stress and comfort ate all day yesterday. I suppose it’s better than gambling. I won’t be doing either of those negative behaviors today. I’m angry! Carole
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Sorry that you are not feeling well and I hope that you get better soon. Good for you for standing up for yourself and letting Danny know that you are not accepting his behaviour towards you. It is true if you have funds in your own account then it is your own business and responsibility on how you budget/spend it. I hope and pray that you find a job that works out well for you and then it will give your more independence from Danny.
It is wonderful to read your post and see how you are not going to let the stress cause negative behaviours today. You have come such a long way (((Carole))) I am so proud of you for eating healthy and losing weight, as I know that is not an easy thing to do.
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My head cold seems to be getting worse and we fly out Friday morning. I have been watching some TV programs that have been really inspirational, such as CNN Heroes of the year and the Michael Morton Story. I was very inspired by one hero particularly that is building homes for wounded US veterans. The other program was about Michael Morton who was wrongly convicted for murdering his wife and he spent 25 years in prison, and one night he cried out to God and said, “I got nothing here, show me something!” A few weeks later he was bathed in a golden light and felt God’s love, right in his cell. I also watched a program of 3 people who also “died” and experienced being in the presence of God. One woman said that she had a conversation with Jesus and he told her that her son was going to die, and he did die. I’m a real cynic when it comes to out of body experiences but it is hard not to believe what I heard these 3 people talk about. The point of me explaining what I have been watching is that it so touched my heart and got me thinking a lot, like I normally do, but I actually got an answer to a question I have been asking myself for several years. I have been asking myself what my purpose in life is, and how have I changed the world, even in small ways. And I couldn’t answer that! I have decided that I am going to contact Habitat for Humanity, and go do some volunteer work with them. They build homes for disadvantaged families with small mortgages that the families can afford to pay. The family’s down payment is sweat equity in helping them build their home. Most of us can’t effect big change in the world but we can help out right where we’re planted. Michael Morton could be very bitter about having been wrongly convicted but he is a beautiful soul, and he knows 3 things since his golden light experience: God exists, God is wise, and God loves him. He used his time in prison to get an education, and do moral inventories of himself, and became a changed man. All three people who “died,” said that their out of body experience taught them not to fear death, and to live with much less fear. I know I’m all over the place with this post, but a seed has been planted in me and my life is going to change. Carole
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Well you certainly dont do things in small doses.. from being a marrow donor and now helping build houses for the poor… what massive things you are taking on to help others.
So good you are not gambling and finding some things that you really want to do and are passionate about
I hope you get better soon and that your trip is a good oneP
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Thanks P for the kind post. I don’t know yet if I’ll be a match for the person who needs bone marrow, so I’m not a donor yet. Just a potential donor! I left a message for Habitat for Humanity and I saw on their website they have training sessions on how to use tools in January. I hope those sessions are indoors! I hate the cold! My kitties are loving all the face time they are having with me, since I stopped working. Carole
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My granddaughter showed up at my house unexpectedly and went to the pharmacy and the grocery store to get me essentials, that I didn’t feel well enough to get for myself. She even did a quick vacuum of my place as the cat hair may be one of the reasons I’m still feeling poorly. Not to mention the fact that I keep smoking in spite of having a cold. I’m my worse enemy! On a sad note, one of my 8 year old granddaughter’s teacher has a year old baby who is hospitalized as the baby has leukemia. When you live in a small town like my granddaughter does, and go to a small school, you get close to your teachers. The teacher had just come back to school from maternity leave when her baby was diagnosed. The school is having a bake sale to raise money for this family, and teachers from other local schools are also providing baking. We think we have problems but our problems are millionaire problems compared to what some people face. Looking for something meaningful to do this Christmas, donate blood and/or register with the bone marrow registry. We can all make a difference in the world. Carole
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The over the counter sinus medication seems to be helping though I’m not well by any stretch of the imagination. Today is Wednesday, and we fly out Friday morning. I’m hoping I feel considerably better by then, as I’m sure nobody wants to sit beside me hacking and coughing on an airplane. I’ve reconsidered my goal of losing any weight during December due to going on our trip and the holiday season. I am simply going to try and maintain the weight I lost instead. I want to be able to treat myself this month. Recovery is going good, with no urges to gamble. I had considered going into residential treatment just to give my recovery a boost, but have decided that I know what to do to stay gamble free and where the resources I need to do that, are. I just haven’t gone to any support groups since I moved to the city. It was interesting that I left a message for a gambling addiction counsellor at a treatment centre, and his voice mail said something to the effect that he wished the caller “good fortune.” It made me wonder if he understood gambling addiction. Maybe I’m just overanalyzing what he said. I’m feeling lonely today and I can’t figure out how the chat groups work. Carole
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Hi Carole
Have you checked your profile to ensure the location and time zone are set up correctly because if they aren’t you won’t be able to see the groups in the group schedule appearing at the correct times for you.
If this doesn’t work can you let us know which browser you’re using? If you are using AOL you will need to change to something like firefox or google chrome for the site to work correctly.
Kind Regards
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Unfortunately I have to get ready for work or this would be a very long post. When I came home from work on Tuesday I was feeling just foul. I wanted to rant and complain and put it down in words. I came to GT to update my thread about how I was feeling when I started to read yours. From start to finish. It took me about two and a half hours. By the time I had finished my imagined slight that I was feeling so sour about wasn’t important any more. To me change is one of the scariest things to think about let alone do when it comes to relationships. I’ve heard it said that everything we want is on the other side of fear, we just need to take a deep breath and get through it. Here you are Carole, stepping through the fear to make the life you want. The one that resonates with your soul. Pretty darn brave. I hope you feel better today. There is a product called Emergen C, it comes in boxes of little packets. Recommended by naturopaths. It may give your immune system a boost. Enjoy Disney, I wish I could do it all again! Laura
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(((Laura))) I feel honoured that you would spend 2 1/2 hours of your life reading my thread. It makes me think that I should reread it myself to see what’s been going on in my life. LOL! When I think back to my whole thread since I’ve been on this site, I’ve dealt with a lot of things here. When I first came to recovery, I was full of fear, anxiety, depressed, and saw no way to stop gambling other than end my life. I tend to forget how emotionally ill I was pre-recovery. I didn’t think that recovery could work for me as I was so undisciplined and falsely self-entitled. Recovery has been a process of learning how to recover and understanding why I became a compulsive gambler, and developing new coping skills. It’s been about finding my voice which was not appreciated by some people, and learning not to be a people pleaser. In the course of all this, I left Danny and moved to the city. I was in that contemplation state for years, before I finally decided that enough was enough. We still spend time together but it is mostly on my terms. Change is scary but I did things slowly and had time to adjust before taking on the next task in my recovery. I’ve been blessed that when I had a slip, it didn’t turn into a full blown relapse, and that I was able to come back to support right away. I credit this site for a huge part of my recovery, even though I did the work. I felt like people understood me here, being cgs themselves, and I treasure everyone that has been part of my recovery journey. The friends I have made here such as you and others, all contributed to my recovery as well as the staff of course. I am feeling a tad better than I was yesterday. We leave in the morning for California with our grandkids, so I’m going to have to do the best that I can with where I am health-wise for the kids’ sake. I have laundry to do, dishes, clean my bathroom, and pack today. My granddaughter is coming to stay with my cats while I’m away. (((Laura))) I feel for you that you live in chronic pain. Carole
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Carole i just want to say I am so pleased to see you posting so much again. The forums were so quiet for a while there and I hate seeing them like that. Thanks for helping bring the forum back to life again. Hope others start again too. Have a wonderful trip to disneyland. Cant wait to hear all about it
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Thanks (((Friends))) for your kind posts on my thread. The trip to Disneyland has come and gone. It was nice to be walking around in sandals and summer clothes. The internet said that it was a good time to travel to the parks as visitors to the park would be less than a lot of times during the year. What the internet didn’t say was that it was the last weekend in 2013, that locals could use their annual passes. The crowds and line-ups were ridiculous at Disneyland where we spent 3 days. Universal Studios on a Monday had a reasonable amount of guests, so that was more enjoyable. We ended our trip with a buffet breakfast with the Disney characters, before we made our way to the airport. It was nice to return the grandkids to their mother. Five days with them and all the excitement was somewhat overwhelming for them, and towards the end, our granddaughter was not being cooperative. I spent yesterday chilling while my oldest granddaughter was at my suite baking shortbread cookies for her sisters’ Christmas party they are hosting this coming weekend for their little friends. She and Danny were also watching funny animal videos while I had my ear plugs in and watched about 12 hours of Dateline episodes. It’s almost noon and I haven’t done anything but drink coffee and be on my computer. I was hoping that Danny and I wouldn’t exchange Christmas gifts this year but he wants to, so I will have to go out and get him a few things. I will be going to my daughter’s for Christmas but am feeling some reluctance to return to the town I moved from, as I have not returned there, since I moved out this summer. I am not in any kind of Christmas spirit and would prefer to just ignore Christmas Day period. I have some bad memories of Christmas from my childhood so I’m not a Christmas lover at the best of times. One day at a time is how I’m handling the build up to Christmas. Today is only the 19th so I am trying not to stress about it yet. I’m on track to have a gamble free month of December, but again, it has to be one day at a time. I applied for a job online today. My lease runs out on June 30th and I would like to move to a 2 bedroom place so that I have room for family/friends to stay overnight. I am having some gambling thoughts today, and have a cheque to deposit, but I can’t trust that I won’t fall into old habits, so I’m staying home instead. I’m making a list of errands I need to do and when I feel able to manage the list without thoughts of gambling, I will go out. It’s very cold today so another excuse to stay home. I have lots of laundry to do and cleaning but it’s not on my to do list today. Actually, I have nothing to do on the non-existent list, except do nothing! Danny has said that he doesn’t care if I get a job, that he’ll keep supporting me, but I am going to keep applying for jobs, even though they aren’t in abundance as I don’t want to move for work. I will eventually get one even though I’ve been out of the paid workforce for over a decade, and I have my age against me. In 6 1/2 years I will qualify for The Old Age pension and in 1 1/2 years I can start collecting my Canada Pension plan. At one time I used to hide behind progress, not perfection. This rings less true for me these days, as I know that I am the one with the necessary recovery skills not to slip again. I just have to choose to exercise these skills to have a gamble free day. I see this as progress in my recovery. There are many days where I see compulsive gambling exactly for what it is, and can’t see myself gambling ever again. Then there are days like today where I may act on habit or impulse, so I need to manage myself. Recovery isn’t always easy but it is worthwhile as the alternative is hellish. I don’t want to return to where I was emotionally pre-recovery as that was insanity, and I have too much to lose were I to go back there. Wishing everyone a gamble free day! Carole
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Hi Carole. Thanks for your post. Recovery is hard and I have had gambling thoughts here and there but keep myself busy and I have been able to refrain from doing damage. I have made some big purchases, the car and house, so I need to watch my money and not do something stupid as gambling. The GA group that was supposed to be here no longer exists. So, since I am in the city 2 days out of the week, I need to find a group there to join. I can’t become complacent. I am sorry that Christmas brings back bad memories from your childhood. We’ve already celebrated Christmas with my Grandson before he went to Hawaii today. It was a hard Christmas, the first without my Husband, but we got through it and made it the best we could for the little guy. Oh, good news, my Daughter and her lawyer met with her ex-business partner and her investor and my Daughter re-cooped her investment money and is legally not responsible for the lease and the business anymore. What a relief as it could have been very costly for her. I truly believe that a job will come your way that is suited for you. Just hang in there. Take care and have a great day!
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Thank you (((Liz))) for your kind post. I’m so happy to hear that your daughter is no longer responsible for anything that has to do with the business and that she has or will get the money she invested back. That’s a great idea to find a group right in the city, seeing as you’ll be there already. I love the weather in Hawaii, and I’m sure your grandson will really enjoy his time there. As for me I still have a cold and haven’t done anything in my house since I returned home from California, except one load of laundry. I need to go out and do my present shopping for Danny but can’t seem to find the motivation so far. I dread the crowds at the stores and going out in the cold. It’s snowing today and is supposed to snow for the next 3 days. Carole
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Hi Carole, I can certainly understand why you are finding it difficult to find the motivation to go out and Christmas shop for Danny.
Thank you for your kind words on my thread. I didn’t expect to be congratulated for my gamble-free days after choosing to gamble. It has really made me think about focusing on the positive side of recovery. I admire how you own your recovery. No apologies. Progress is the name of the game, but also I think expansion. You are showing by example that maybe we don’t need to reclaim our old selves, but instead work to reinvent ourselves anew…and, maybe it’s not work, but simply a labor of love. You have made some huge life changes this year. Christmas can be difficult with all the emphasis on tradition. Stay strong, Carole. Give yourself a little extra loving this Christmas. I’ll send some extra your way too! -
Thank you (((icandothis))) for your kind words. It’s taken me almost 3 years to get to where I’m at in recovery, and it’s been far from perfect, as I’ve had many slips. I’ve been an all or nothing person in my life, and I’ve hung on to progress not perfection, which has taken me this far. I have to agree with you that I am owning my own recovery more, as I started recovery using whatever what was happening in my life as excuses to slip. In all fairness to myself, I hadn’t developed all the coping skills I now have. Then when I slipped, I would tell myself progress not perfection and I would focus on that I had so many more gamble free days than slips, and that kept me going. I am at a point in my recovery now where if I were to slip, I have no excuse and it would be that I didn’t exercise the skills I have learned. I don’t want to be the person I was pre-recovery as I was a people pleaser/enabler. Gambling was a “reward” for me, as I wasn’t getting most of my emotional needs met in my marriage so I gambled to try and fill some of the void in my life. As compulsive gamblers, we all know what gambling has done and continues to do in our lives, when we slip. We are all one bet away from losing our recovery. Recovery is a process of believing we are worthy of recovering, and acquiring the skills we need to not have gambling as part of our life. We never arrive; we will always have to stay vigilant. I’m going to dig deep today to go out shopping, as I dread the thought of crowds. Carole
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I was able to motivate myself to go out and do the errands I had listed, even though I dreaded the crowds! The truth is I was back home by 10:30 am, and there were no crowds anywhere I went, and I was able to buy exactly what I was looking for. I even bought my cats a cool present for when I’m away over Christmas. The clerks in the store said it would be crazy busy later on in the day, so I’m thankful that I went early. Most of what we worry about never comes to pass is my experience. For 2 days I dreaded going shopping, and it turned out to be completely the opposite of what I expected. I had a pay cheque in my purse that I dreaded going to deposit, because I was concerned that I would impulsively withdraw cash out to gamble. So I made that my first errand and quickly got out of there. I had a few urges but told myself how awful I would feel losing that money, and that my shopping wouldn’t get done. I had to say out loud “No! No! No! Money has more value than to make the wheels spin, and make me feel depressed. Other than changing the kitties litter box, I’m going to chill the rest of the day. Carole
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Hi Carole! Thanks for your post. I’m glad that the shopping wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be and that you deposited your check and were able to fight the urges. One day at a time! I am chillin also as it is snowing here. I made it to Walmart this morning before the snow and stocked up on soup, ect… I totally understand my sister bailing her son out of jail. Even though we don’t talk, I worry and am concerned about her. I’m proud of you. You made a lot of life changes this year. Moving was a big one and living on your own. I think that we don’t give ourselves enough credit. You have been through a lot this year also. So, every once in awhile we need to tell ourselves, good job!!!! Take care and have a awesome gamble free day!
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Hi Carole! Thanks for your post. I’m glad that the shopping wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be and that you deposited your check and were able to fight the urges. One day at a time! I am chillin also as it is snowing here. I made it to Walmart this morning before the snow and stocked up on soup, ect… I totally understand my sister bailing her son out of jail. Even though we don’t talk, I worry and am concerned about her. I’m proud of you. You made a lot of life changes this year. Moving was a big one and living on your own. I think that we don’t give ourselves enough credit. You have been through a lot this year also. So, every once in awhile we need to tell ourselves, good job!!!! Take care and have a awesome gamble free day!
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(((Liz))) I ate healthy all day other than all the M&Ms I ate. I’m not laughing about that!!! Nicole was baking here and left the bag here, and of course good ole sabotage Danny told me that they were in the cupboard where my granddaughter left her cookie decorating stuff. When I was out at the store today I made sure that I didn’t buy a lick of junk food. Not a good thing, but I’ve had lots of gambling thoughts today. Maybe because I’m stressed about Christmas, even though it’s just another day really. I remembered earlier today of having a dream about gambling last night, and about all 5 gold symbols in a row lining up. Christmas is a hard time of year for a lot of people, for various reasons. I would just as soon stay home by myself that day, but my granddaughters want me to make that long drive and come visit them. Carole
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I had a decent sleep last night but still have my cold, though I feel well for the most part. I’m on track for having a gamble free December. I don’t know if anyone realizes that in the past 3 years, I have never had one month of gamble free time. I sabotaged each month by having a slip(s). A day at a time, I will make this month gamble free. It’s taken me 3 years to get to this point. I need to break this pattern and this will be the month I do it. I have this irrational thinking that someone I know will die before Christmas. So I’m waiting for Christmas to be here to let that thinking go. I’m trying to figure out where this thinking is coming. My Mother-in-law died 2 years ago just before Christmas, and I remember how painful the first Christmas was after my brother died. Or maybe it’s because I’m travelling back to the country for the first time since I left Danny. Or maybe it’s my addiction not wanting to die because I’m going to have a gamble free rest of December. My logical mind tells me that statistically there is no more chance of someone I know dying before Christmas than any other day of the year. I don’t even know anybody that is palliative. I sound like a nut case to people that don’t know me, I’m sure. But this has always been the place that I put thoughts to words, just to get them out of my head. Carole
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Hi Carole! I think you are thinking of death because of all the stress about going back to the country and the passing of your mother in law and brother. I am proud of you for getting through this month without gambling. My next door neighbor at my new home died on Monday, she was 80 years old. Her adult son and daughter live with her. When I saw the fire truck and police car here last Monday, I freaked out. It brought back memories of the day my Husband died as I had to call 911 because he was dying on our condo patio. Something is triggering these thoughts of someone dying. Maybe the stress of the holidays which bring back painful childhood thoughts for you. I am sending you big hugs))) You will get through this. Go and enjoy the holidays with your Daughter and Grandchildren, they will put a smile on your face. Take care. You can always say anything here, no judging.
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Dear (((Liz)))! Thanks for your supportive kind post. Vera sent me an email and we talked about this anxiety about someone dying as she said she feels the same way. I have come to the conclusion that I am worried about my recovery if someone I love dies. When my brother died, my gambling spiralled even more out of control. I never want to go back to how emotionally ill I was when I was gambling totally out of control. I don’t deal with death well! That’s one of the big reasons why I find how you handled your husband dying so inspirational. You didn’t go off the deep end and return to gambling like there was no tomorrow. I only have to get through tomorrow (23th) and then I’ll be travelling to the country. If I’m smart, I’ll use the time to clean my house and to pack a few clothes, so I can leave early on the 24th. We have been invited to Danny’s daughter’s for dinner on Christmas Eve and then will go to my daughter’s on Christmas Day. I will be driving home on the 26th as I don’t want to leave Pablo and Ferris for any longer than I have to. One day at a time, and moment by moment some days. Thanks for being my friend! Carole
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Hi Carol, when someone close dies it is strange how we remember even the most insignificant details about the day, eg I can remember what I was stirring in a pot when I took the call. …Also what was on the Worktop even though it was six years ago. I think if it is close to Christmas when we lose someone the significance of it being Christmas is magnified in our memories, so we start to associate Christmas as with losing people. Also as Christmas is such a family time when we feel we should be celebrating with family and enjoying the fruit of our labours, if we lose someone the contrast between bereavement and our expectation for Christmas is huge. It kinda stays with us. Our memories of Christmas are no longer just of turkeys and presents but now include grief and loss so it is quite likely that we will come to associate Christmas with losing someone.that said as you put it we can lose people any time of year. It is kinda like gambling isn’t it? Our minds play tricks on us. We have one big win so we associate gambling with winning. For some reason we quickly forget all the losses, just like we forget all the good Christmases . Your name reminds me of a happy Christmas all year round. Please enjoy and have a very Happy Christmas Carole.
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Thank you (((Vera))) and (((sad))) for your kind emails. It’s nice that you have graced us with your presence (((Vera))) and have posted so everyone knows you’re doing well and gamble free!! LOL! In all seriousness (((Vera))), people here miss your support but I do understand that you needed to look after yourself first before you could be here to support others. If you were still gambling I doubt that you would be making almond paste for your cake. You’d probably would be holed up in one of those dark dingy gambling venues you described in previous posts. Much better to be in the light and enjoy the fruits of being gamble free. (((sad))), I think that you are dead on when you say that once people have lost ones to death, Christmas starts to become associated with emotional pain and grief. I will probably enjoy the next few days more than I anticipate in spite of my cold having morphed into a worse cold. I wish everyone on this site, a very Merry Christmas and a gamble free new year. I’m going to be hanging on tight to my seat on the recovery train. Carole
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Hi Carole, I can tell you have started the course. I hope it’s going well for you. Do you have a mentor. They were a little scarce when I was signing up. I hope you enjoy being in the light away for dark dingy gambling venues. I cannot believe at times how far I have come. It really is about surrendering to that higher power. I was not quite sure really what that meant, but now I realise it means trusting God for everything. I hope you have a truly delightful Christmas.
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Hi Carole, The dinner last night with my Mom and Daughter was awesome. We had dinner together tonight again and I made tacos and we played some board games. My Daughter is going home tomorrow. I talked to my Grandson today and he is going snorkeling again tomorrow as he loved it!!! He saw a lot of sea turtles the first time. Everything is good here. Have a great time with your Daughter and the Grandkids at Christmas. Thank you for being a good friend to me.
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I will not be travelling back to the country today to celebrate Christmas with family. My cold has gotten worse with fits of deep coughing, sore throat, runny nose, and I feel poorly. Just the kind of houseguest everyone wants for the holidays! Not!!!I’m not posting this because I want sympathy, just for information sake. I prefer to stay home as it feels overwhelming to drive 3 1/2 hours. My suite is warm and comfortable and I can’t infect anyone else with this nasty cold. To me Christmas Day is every day, so it’s not a big deal to spend it with my cats. I told Danny that I wasn’t coming and he took the news graciously which surprised me. My daughter said that I had to do what was best for me. And staying home is best for me. I feel relieved that I’m doing what is best for me, and in spite of feeling poorly, I’m OK with my decision on an emotional level. So I don’t want anybody to think that I’m not OK. Carole
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Hi Carole! Good choice in staying home and trying to get better. Are you sure that you have a cold or the flu? It seems like you have had it for awhile now. Take care of yourself and get a lot of rest! I wouldn’t want to travel 3 1/2 not feeling well and you don’t want to infect anyone else. So, take care of yourself!!!
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I don’t believe this is the same cold I had before I went on vacation, as I was almost over it, and feeling better every day that passed. I believe that I caught another type of virus while in Disneyland. There were so many people and I touched hundreds of places where thousands of people had touched before me. I look forward to feeling better and seeing what the new year brings. Carole
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I feel like this month has passed in a hurry! Work has been super busy the last couple days-which is unusual on the new account side. God is good as I have opened some major accounts that were totally unexpected. I will end the year in great shape work wise. We have been told unofficialy that we have been bought by another bank. Time will tell how that will work out so odaat on that score.
I did just catch up on your thread and frankly Carole all the “death” thoughts may just be your addiction talking. It is funny how it finds the most usual ways to strike out at us. Baffling and isidious is so true! I wish I had spell check here-lol!
Take care Carole-and thanks for all your support to me!
bettie -
Christmas Day has arrived and it just feels like any other day to me, because I’m barking like a German Shepherd, have a sore throat, runny nose, and am feeling poorly. One of the sweetest things I’ve heard today was that my 8 year old granddaughter made her 20 year old sister a book on sharks as a gift. She knows how much her older sister has always loved sharks, and she researched facts on sharks and drew pictures of them as well. The 20 year old cried out of appreciation, and then had the 8 year old crying as well. I spoke to my granddaughters today and my daughter and Danny’s daughter who offered to drop off anything I need as she heard I was sick. Those are the things that make Christmas special to me. I wished my cats a Merry Christmas and I’m good with that! Carole
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A belated Merry Christmas to you Carole! I suppose as you are sick the cats are laying all over you? trying to heal you with their purring. I think your meaning of Christmas ( heartfelt gifts and gestures among family/friends) is the true meaning of Christmas. I’m sorry for your losses at this time of year, but happy that you are working towards it having another meaning other than loss. Take good care of yourself Carole! Feel better and have a Happy New Year.
Laura -
Thank you (((Laura))) for your kind post. I always remember your first Christmas in recovery and how your Mom came through for you and supported you. My how things have changed for you! My cats were happy to have me home and yes they have been laying on my lap and beside me, unaware that had I been well, they would have been alone for a couple of days. I’m relieved that Christmas Day has come and gone. I asked Danny over the phone, to unwrap a gift his daughter gave me and it is a pair of flannel pjs. I LOVE getting pjs. His other daughter gave us a gift card for the movies and a gift card for dinner at the Keg. I asked Danny if he would come and see me when I was feeling better and he said he wouldn’t come here till Jan 3th as he has a catscan on Dec 4th. He said there was nothing to do at my house and he had things to do on the acreage. Good old emotionally clueless Danny! And he wants to get back together. LOL! He spent Christmas Day at my daughter’s and son-in-law’s, with my granddaughters, and not with his family. I find that ironic that he’s with my family, and I’m sick in the city alone. I still have my cold and need groceries but I don’t want to out anywhere where there are crowds of people, till I feel better. Carole
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I seem to be unable to get into the unmoderated chat groups, even though I have figured out how to get into the facilitated groups. I am feeling a teeny bit better today, but not well enough to go anywhere. Danny told me that his daughter got engaged this Christmas. This is her second marriage but I have to say this guy is a prince. I’m happy for her. My cats have spent the day upstairs on my bed. I think they have had enough of me being home for so long. Does anyone know if the safe harbour site is still up as I can’t seem to get on there and chat either? Carole
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Hope you are feeling much better very soon!
How about ordering in some food? In the states we have “peapod” You order grocerys online and they deliver them. First order gets free delivery. Just a thought.
I am back to work after a very busy 2 1/2 days. I have a small family get together tonight but am looking foward to a couple days off to recoop. Merry Christmas-as it is a season not just a day-and wishing you the Happeist New Year!
bettie -
Thank you (((Bettie))) for your kind suggestions on ordering food in. I’m not starving by any means but I don’t open my door to anyone if I’m home alone. I’m still coughing like crazy and I know that my smoking while sick, doesn’t help me, but I continue to do it. I woke up this morning and while laying in bed I took stock of my life to orientate myself to the coming day. I had a moment of pure contentment when I remembered that I am gamble free and have maintained my weight loss this month. Those are huge achievements for me anyways! The cats were wanting me to get up so I did. My moment of contentment came crashing down when I walked into my kitchen and saw all the unwashed dishes. But for right now I will have my coffee and tackle the dishes later today. Danny phoned and said that he would come to the city on the 29th and look after me he supposed. “He supposed??” I asked him when he was returning to work and he said January 9th. I said that it was too long for him to stay at my place. As much as he says he wants to get back together, he doesn’t seem very interested in my well-being, other than financially. It’s no different than when we were living together. “get the girl, marry the girl, support the girl financially,” and his work is done. Looking after me emotionally is a chore for him. That isn’t my idea of what love is. I am thankful that he has been generous in providing for me since I left him, but until I get my financial settlement, I believe that it is his responsibility. If I was separated from someone that I claimed to love, I would be trying to meet their emotional needs by doing special things for them, and showing that I loved them. I won’t be living with Danny again. I don’t need to be living with anyone that can’t communicate on an emotional level. I deserve better even if that means living on my own for the rest of my life. In my marriage I got desensitized to behavior that was inappropriate emotionally towards me. Now I listen very carefully to what he says. His expectation is that we would pick up where we left off. That isn’t going to happen as I’ve changed, as a result of the recovery work I have done. One day at a time!! Carole
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Hi Carole. I hope that you are feeling better today. You are changing your outlook on everything including your marriage because you are thinking about it and working on making positive changes. Danny isn’t there yet. He is stuck and isn’t willing to make changes. I hope I don’t sound too strong about this. You are my friend and I love you and I am very proud of all that you have accomplished in your life changes. You are going forward and don’t need anyone to pull you backwards. I am in a funk today but I will get out of it. My Sister did get my nephew out of jail and I can’t fault her for that. He went to his arraignment and his accuser (assault) didn’t show. They have scheduled another hearing and if she doesn’t show, all charges will be dropped. They haven’t heard from his parole officer yet as she could still put him back in prison. This is second hand from my Mom as my Sister and I aren’t on talking terms. Anyways it is a mess and there is a lot more to the story. I hope my Sister takes care of herself as I know the toll that it can take on you. I dealt with my Daughter’s addiction problem for years and it is hard. Even though she and I are in a good place now and she as been clean for almost 1 year, she has to go to counseling and group support meetings as she battles her demons. Just like me with the gambling addiction. Life isn’t easy. But we deserve happiness and positive people surrounding us!! Take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest! Happy early New Years!!!
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Great to hear (((Liz)))! I laughed because it reminded me of when I used to man the crisis line and this woman called me and said she was feeling suicidal. We chatted and by the end of the call I had her laughing. Some of the people who would call regularly were people with serious mental health problems like bi-polar or schizophrenia, and it was very sad. Carole
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Sent an email to Danny telling him that it wasn’t a stretch to think that he might get sick with my cold if he came here to visit, as I cough a lot and sneeze. And it was up to him whether he should visit. I also told him that I wouldn’t be up to entertaining him at my place, and that I needed him to run errands for me, such as getting groceries, etc. Danny has COPD and MS which means he has a compromised immune system, so I really don’t want him getting sick with a cold as he already has difficulty breathing. He said he would be here tomorrow and would bring supper. I also asked him not to try and quarrel with me about ANYTHING. Carole
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I slept in today till about 12:30 pm. I stayed up late watching this series of TV programs called “Embarrassing Bodies,” which is a UK program. The program gave a diagnosis and treatment for each person’s embarrassing problem. The program tackled incontinence, bad buttock implants acquired for cheap in an Asian country, ruptured breast implants and reconstruction surgery, sexually transmitted infections, breast reduction surgery, dental overbites, female gynecological problems as a result of diabetes, etc, etc. It left me feeling thankful that I had no embarrassing body parts other than some callouses under my feet that I can resolve simply. I have watched several UK TV programs in the past, and it does seem to me that the British are much more open minded in all kind of discussions than Canadians are generally. I’m doing up my dishes as Danny should arrive here in a few hours with supper and with groceries for me. Mother Hubbard’s pantry isn’t bare but I am lacking essentials. One good thing Danny does when he visits is to shovel my stairs and sidewalk, which I appreciate. He says he is coming to take care of me with my cold, but we will see how that goes. My cats have been ignoring me for 3 days now, preferring each other’s company to mine. Hope everyone is having a gamble free day!! Carole
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Danny arrived this evening with groceries and Christmas gifts and stocking stuffers from him and from other family members. I was marvelling to myself that I may have misjudged him when I thought he didn’t have a clue as to what I would want. Every gift was perfect and every stocking stuffer was exactly the right fragrance, the right color, etc. Then Danny told me that my 20 year old granddaughter was with him when he was shopping. She knows me; he doesn’t!! Lol! He brought me a refill on my meds, and put together the cats’ new toy that looks like a mouse running under a yellow nylon circle. I am feeling a little bit better this evening. Carole
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Hi Carole,
hope you are getting over that nasty cold you have been full of. I’m thinking of moving out for a while but Canadian winter is keeping me staying put. I guess nothing is easy but for once I wish it could be. The thought of trying to deal with a separation and all the logistics that go with it when there are still kids at home makes my head spin. Big kids they may be but they still are kids. One step at a time I guess. Hope you are feeling better. Thanks for posting your experiences as they are helpful! Onward and upward! Laura -
Thank you for your posts (((Bettie))) and (((Laura)))! It does add a lot of complications leaving a relationship when there are children still at home. What about asking the kids for their input as to whether they want to move with you or stay in the family home. Something to be aware of, is that you may have to pay child support if the children stay in the family home. Your husband could move out for a time. Lots to think about!!! It’s never an easy decision leaving. It took me years before I finally made the actual move. You’ll know when the right time to move is. I got to a point where I simply couldn’t stay anymore. Danny is here and so far so good, though that could change at any moment. Carole
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Happy New Year to everyone on the GT site. I have not been posting the last few days as I have been totally immersed in watching the Downton Abbey series and am in the middle of season 3. Season 5 starts January 5, so I’m hoping that I can watch all the back episodes so that I’m all caught up. I’m happy to report that I am gamble free. Thank you to everyone that has supported me along my recovery journey. Danny arrived here Sunday and it has been quite pleasant. I still have a nasty cough which is worse in the mornings and when I go to bed. He keeps nagging me to go to the doctor’s, but I don’t want to waste everyone’s time, as what can they do for a cold. We rang in the new year eating Chinese food and with me watching Downton Abbey. In a couple of days, Danny will be meeting with the potential buyers of our home in the country to discuss the setup of the sale. I saw a suggestion on facebook that mentioned getting a jar and writing on pieces of paper good things that happened in the new year. We all have so much to be thankful for. Carole
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I hope that you are feeling better as you really have been having a tough time with that cold/flu. I understand totally what you are saying about Downton Abbey. I bought Series 1 and 2 on DVD in the States as they were a really good buy. I started to watch them and I was totally hooked. I had to rush out and buy season 3 as soon as I was finished season 2. I am super excited about seeing Season 4 on Sunday evening.
I have not been posting as much lately as I seem to be busy since we got back from Christmas out east. I suppose being back to work and trying to do catch up with everything. I have learned so much since I started recovery and I am noticing that my “inner peace” is so important to me. I know that I am a continual work in progress, but I am worth working on. I just need to be patient with myself and keep going and taking it day by day. I admire your strength (((Carole))) as what you have done takes courage, now don’t take offense when I say this, but at your age to move out on your own is just remarkable. I don’t know if I would have your strength or courage to do that, although I am 3 years older than you LOL
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I’m so happy to see you (((Cat)) back posting, though with working fulltime, I don’t know where you find the time, what with all your other commitments. I have taken to Downton Abbey like a duck to water. Vera has already watched season 4 which for us starts this Sunday. They don’t get that series on Irish TV so she was able to buy the boxed set seasons 1 to 4. I so envy her that she already knows what happens during that series, and I am going to be like a dog panting waiting for the weekly episodes this season. Carole
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Thank you (((Bettie))) from the bottom of my heart! I started watching season 4 today after you sent me the internet address. I can’t believe they brought that cow Edna back as a servant, as she’s nothing but trouble. I’m travelling to Cold Lake tomorrow for a few days to visit my grandchildren. I’ll be leaving my computer at home. I may stop in the material shop in the country, and buy some material to start quilting again. My eldest granddaughter will be cat-sitting. I need to find as many hobbies/interests as I can, to replace the time I used to spend gambling. I do not want to go back to that nasty habit!! Carole
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Hello friend, I get concerned when you don’t post so I just want to make sure that you are okay. I did watch Downton Abbey on Sunday and it was great. It is interesting as I had heard people speaking about it being a great show, but never watched it, but once I started watching the Series 1 DVD I was totally hooked.
I am sorry that I have not posted to you or supported you lately, but I get into these “funks” when I just feel blah and I am not able to post or support anyone!!!
I don’t think this “freezing” weather is helping either. I have had enough of it already and it is only January 8. It looks like it is going to be a longgggg winter.
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Thanks (((Friends))) for your kind posts! I just got home from the country. Visited my grandchildren, and the 4 year old asked me if I wanted to “hang” out with her on Friday. Stayed at the trailer with Danny and had insomnia all 3 days. I’m happy to be back in the city. Bought wool and knitting needles, as well as a zigsaw puzzle. I don’t currently know how to knit but I’m told I can go on youtube and learn. My granddaughter will stay with me till the end of the week and go to university from my house. It’ll be nice to have company. I’m still gamble free! Carole
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Hi Carole! Glad that you were able to spend some time with the Grandkids. Thanks for the offer of instructions for making a book, but my Grandsons other Grandmother (who was with him in Hawaii) took the journal and has tons of pictures and she is compiling a keepsake book for him. Nothing new here, I am going back to my house tomorrow. Yeah!!!! How is everything with you???? Take care.
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Hi Carole! Glad that you were able to spend some time with the Grandkids. Thanks for the offer of instructions for making a book, but my Grandsons other Grandmother (who was with him in Hawaii) took the journal and has tons of pictures and she is compiling a keepsake book for him. Nothing new here, I am going back to my house tomorrow. Yeah!!!! How is everything with you???? Take care.
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Hi Carole, it was good to talk to you just now. I remembered a link I was going to send you. Take a look at https://www.videojug.com
Type in “how to knit” on the search and there are several demo videos there. It’s actually a site I use a lot and you can see demos of things from how to plant potatoes to how to do various DIY jobs. -
Thank you (((Liz))) and (((Charles))) for your kind posts. The important part Liz is that your grandson has a keepsake book about his trip to Hawaii. It doesn’t matter who puts it together. I made myself one with pictures and 25 typed pages of my trip to Kenya and Egypt, and I can relive my trip over and over, and it reminds me of details I would have forgotten years ago. I am enjoying having my granddaughter with me this week, and it hasn’t been stressful at all. I had a “situation” come up when I was in the country that “gutted” me, but I am happy to report that I used the coping skills I have learned in the past three years, to not cope with it by gambling. I was going through an insomnia patch, and am happy to report that I slept a few restful hours last night, which always makes the world seem better. It is more difficult to make good decisions for myself when I am sleep deprived. Hope everyone has a gamble free day today, including myself. Carole
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Just a quick post to say I’m doing OK, though I should be getting out more to walk and get fresh air. I colored my hair, plucked my brows, whitened my teeth, shaved my legs, and am feeling better about myself. I may go for a pedicure on the weekend. My granddaughter is still visiting and she goes to her university classes from my place. She says she will return to her home tomorrow but I’ll believe it when I see it. I don’t mind having her here as she keeps her belongings neat, and does my dishes, etc. The cats love her as well. I applied for a couple of jobs today, and there were probably others I could have applied for, but why do it all in one day??? Harry said something to me the other day about whether I was going to allow Carole to move on and have a life, and I have to say I am. Somehow it released me on some level to do so. Why shouldn’t I go out there and do things I enjoy??? Funny how something someone says can have such an impact on a person. Maybe it was just the right time I needed to hear that. My marriage is totally over and like the song Cat sings about never ever getting back together again. Carole
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HI Carole, I am glad your Granddaughter has been staying with you. I am sure you love her company. You should move on with your life and do things that you want to do. Life is too short! I am in desperate need of a hair cut, medi and pedi, as I haven’t had time with the traveling back and forth to the city. Self-care, we have talked about that many times. I will find time this week to take care of myself. I am enjoying some alone time as I seem to never have any. Tomorrow, I am spending most of the day outside, pulling weeds, ect…. very therapeutic for me. Take care Carole. You deserve the best!!1
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I don’t know what happened when you were in the country with Danny, but things happen for a reason. I wonder if this is your moving on stage. I am glad that you are applying for jobs again as it will give you a focus. I know it is not easy to keep applying, but keep thinking positive that there is a job that is perfect for you out there. You have to keep thinking what does Carole want!!!! I know that there is an organization out there that is going to be so blessed to get a wonderful employee like you. The most important thing is never give up trying. I know that you can do it. You go girl!!!
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Thank you (((Liz))) and (((Cat))) for your supportive posts. Yes Cat something did happen when I went back to the country, that solidified that my marriage is over. It doesn’t make it easier as I love Danny but I know that we can never ever live together again. He does not have the ability to be honest or to take responsibility for his actions, so there isn’t much I can work with here. On a positive note, I am back to my healthy eating plan. I’m driving my granddaughter home at noon today, am going to the bank to deposit cash I have in my purse, and am going to mail my professional designation renewal form and cheque. I don’t wish for the cash to disappear, other than into my account. I applied for a total of 4 jobs yesterday and today there is nothing new posted so it’s a wait and see game. I may get motivated enough to check out the hidden job market and start looking up where these agencies are, and paying them a visit in person, resume in hand. It’s snowing like crazy here again. Carole
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Hi Carole, It is hard when you love someone but you know that the relationship is over. You have to do what is best for you even though it may be painful. We only have one life to live so we need to make the best of it. It is unseasonably warm here, 60 degrees. We haven’t had a lot of snow or rain which is bad since the town is surrounded by forest. I am glad the cash made it to the bank. You are doing well in your recovery despite the challenges you have faced in your personal life. Take care and take care of yourself.
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Thanks (((Liz))) for the supportive post. I am feeling lonely and unmotivated and it’s maybe because I haven’t been sleeping well for many nights. I’m back to my healthy eating but otherwise am a slug on my computer most of the day, and in the evening it’s the TV. There’s so much I could and should be doing in my suite. I stay in my pjs till evening and then have a bath and then put on clean pjs. I need to get out of this very lazy phase, and securing a job would force me to. Is your daughter planning to move to your town in the future, so that you won’t have as many city commutes to access your grandson? Wish I was there today weeding in your yard. I never thought I would miss weeding as there was always so much of it to do where I lived before. It is difficult to move on when you still love someone. The good thing is that I’m in charge of when and if I see Danny. I did tell my daughter that I would come up and babysit my two littlest granddaughters so that she and her husband could get away for a few days and go skiing together. She seemed to really like that idea so I’m expecting to go back to the country in the near future. Carole
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Hi Carole, Thanks for your post. I understand the insomnia as I haven’t slept well for the past week. I am in the city till Saturday evening as we are celebrating my Grandson’s birthday then. I get into ruts were I could stay in my pj’s all day and I have at times. I try to keep busy even when I haven’t slept. My Daughter isn’t moving to my new town. The company she works for hired her full time at the salary she requested and she now has good health care insurance for herself. There aren’t too many jobs where I live. Either you work in the food industry or one of the stores in town. A few people have their own businesses. The town has a lot of elderly, retired people, but there are some young families. She couldn’t find a job there where she makes the money she does in the city. She is planning to buy a house in the city towards the end of the summer. The estimated population of my town consists of 8 smaller towns in our region plus ours. I am commuting until school is out the last of May. Next year his parents will put him in a afterschool program. This summer he will be spending some time with me but he will be going to karate camp and a sports camp during the summer months. My Daughter and her best friend since high school are going to Peru this summer for 2 weeks to do some hiking, ect… so he will be staying with me. We have a community pool and other things to keep us occupied and I told him that we might go on a road trip through the northern part of Arizona. I think that it is good that you are in charge when and if you see Danny. That way you are not living in limbo and you have control of the situation. Honestly, if I had to get a job it would be hard for me. I am not saying I wouldn’t get one but it would be a entry level job. I worked for the same company for 28 years but what I did isn’t something that I could go to another company and do. What I am trying to say is that even though you have good qualifications, it must still be hard to get back into the workforce. But I have no doubts that you will find a job that suits you. Take care of yourself.
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Dear (((Liz)))! I don’t have to go to work or could work parttime if I wanted to as Danny says he will keep supporting me. I want to be self-sufficient. I like the socialization part of working. Working will make me independent and not dependent on some guy to support me. I’m so happy to hear that your daughter found such a good job, and that your daughter is being such a good Mom! It’s good that you stood in the gap for your little guy, when his mother couldn’t. Carole
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Hey Carole,
enjoy your trip to see Cat! I hope your Mom is feeling better. Sometimes getting away even for a short time helps you refocus. I know I wish I could drive up and see Deb but we are having a true winter this year and I wouldn’t chance the drive. There were horrible wrecks in Indiana yesterday. They are notorious for not clearing the highways. I have been sporatic with my meetings because of the snow. I need to attend some close ones as a meeting keeps my head on straight.
bettie -
I arrived in Winnipeg only to find out that my mother had fallen a second time last Thursday, and had been taken to hospital after laying 20 hours on the floor, as she was too confused to push her lifeline button. She has a compression fracture of her lumbar spine and will probably not be able to return to her suite where she was living before the falls. I cancelled my flight home for tomorrow and will be staying in Winnipeg as long as it takes to sort her placement arrangements. There are long wait lists for beds here, just like there are in every province. I have the same cold I had almost gotten rid of before I flew out. My mother has a cat so it looks like I am getting a 3rd cat. lol! Carole
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Sorry to hear your mam is unwell Carole. I was looking out for an email, not realizing you were away.
Such a pity that your mother was unattended for 20 hours. Scary!
Which came first the fracture or the fall?
Hope you will find a suitable long term facility where she will be given the care and attention that all our senior citizens deserve.
Are there other family members involved in the plan Carole?
Very emotional for you! -
Oh Carole, I hope your Mom is feeling better soon. So, will they keep your Mom in the hospital till a bed is open in a facility that can help her long-term? Do you know why she is falling? That is scary that she laid on the floor for 20 hours. OMG, that is terrible that you still have that cold. Try to take care of yourself through this stressful time. Thank goodness that you went to Winnipeg to see how she was. Remember to take care of you!!!!
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I hope that your mum is ok.. sorry we say mum here not mam but they mean the same thing right… just a difference in language. I hope she is ok and that cold of yours is improving. Hope you have a wonderful time catching up with our cat… cant wait to hear… looking forward to seeing you are back safe n sound and all is well. A third cat for you? woah.. that will be a little circus to watch hehe..
P
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Thinking about you too, Carole. I have been through something very similar. I know the anxiety and stress you must be going through. Trying to do the best thing for your mom and also putting your life on hold as you tend to her needs. Take care of yourself as best you can, Carole, both physically and emotionally. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom.
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Carole asked me to give you an update as she does not have access to internet at present. Her mother is still in hospital and she will probably be there for a while. The ward she is in now is more for long term patients so she will probably be able to stay there until she gets into a suitable place. She is concerned as her mother is not only dealing with her injury, but seems to be confused about things as well. Carole is staying at her mother’s apartment and she will probably be staying a few months to get everything organized for her mother to move into appropriate accommodation.
Carole could not believe that she has been informed that she is a 9 out of 10 match for the person requiring the bone marrow transplant. The persons health has deteriorated and requires the transplant soon, and I believe she said it was the first week of February. Carole requires medical preparation before they take the bone marrow and they will be starting that next week. She will be doing all this medical “stuff” at a Hospital in Winnipeg where her mother lives. -
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Carole’s mother is doing better and does not seem to be confused any more. She has been out of bed and is recovering from the compression fracture of the lower spine. Carole believes that her mother will be in hospital for another 5 to 6 weeks, and that she will likely be able to go back and live in her apartment with lots of home help. Carole is feeling much better about how her mother is doing.
I have to take my hat off to Carole with the bone marrow donation. It is amazing me what she has to go through doing this. She has to have needles for 5 days to help generate her bone marrow. She donates the bone marrow on February 10 so she starts the needles on February 6 as she has the last one on the day of the donation. There can be pain and side effects from these, and also after the donation there are other side effects. I really admire here for doing this as it really is not an easy and painless thing to do. Also when they advise you of all the risks involved it makes you wonder. I am so honoured that I will be with her the day she donates and they take her bone marrow. She still does not have internet. Will keep you posted. -
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Guest
Thinking of you Carole…
C- caring
A- angel
R- real
O-obliging
L-loved
E-exceptional.That’s you Carole!!
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Guest
Thinking of you Carole…
C- caring
A- angel
R- real
O-obliging
L-loved
E-exceptional.That’s you Carole!!
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Carole we are all missing seeing your posts here and i am so glad that your mum is improving.. wonderful news that you are doing the bone marrow thing. So good of you. Be proud of yourself Carole, you are a very loving and giving person to do this and we all know that by your time posting here too.. Miss you when you are not here posting., can’t wait till you are back home again and we hear all of your adventures with meeting up with cat also..
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Carole goes tomorrow to do her transplant. She really is being so awesome doing this as she has to go through so much. It really shows what type of person she is that she is willing to do this. I am looking forward to spending the day with her tomorrow. I will be relieved for her when it is all over.
Her mother is doing well and she is probably getting home on Tuesday. Carole will be going back home very soon and she is really looking forward to going home, and she is much better at posting than me. -
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Wow, I am so proud of Carole for donating her stem cells to help someone she doe not know and who could be anywhere in the world. Carole, was so relieved when it was over as she does not like pain, but she went through having two painful needles a day for 4 days. She has really dainty veins so this morning she had to have a catheter inserted so that they could take the blood, which goes into a machine that takes out the stem cells. Her blood was taken out and put back in four times through this machine. They told her that her stem cells were A1 and someone came with their cooler and it will be on a flight tonight!!! What an awesome thing she did. I learned so much today about all that is involved in stem cell donation. Carole was so relieved it was over, as it is stressful to go through procedures like that. I drove her to her mother’s apartment and she was so happy it was over. She has to take it easy for the next few days. She is hoping to be home by the end of the week.
Will keep you posted. Have a great gamble free day!!! -
So proud of both of you!!! Our strengths can overcome our weaknesses! You are both blessings to the world! I am going to watch the Olympics. Will say a prayer for both of you and also the recipient of the stem cells. Also, will be giving you both the “icandothis Olympic Gold Medal” for being all that you are and then together creating something even greater!!! God bless!
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I’m home!! I went to Winnipeg for 4 days and ended up staying there for 26 days instead. I now have 3 cats as my mother cannot look after her cat anymore! The cat’s airline ticket cost me $60 to ride under the seat in front of mine. My mother was discharged from hospital yesterday back to the seniors building where she was living prior to the 2 falls. I put in a life alert with a fall detector for her so there will be no more 20 hours on the floor should she fall again. She has to use a walker full-time now anytime she walks. She was very appreciative of all I did for her when she was in hospital like purge her suite of living room furniture she could trip on and injure herself badly, like glass end tables. I threw all of her bedding out and bought her new bedding, as well as safe footwear, etc. I moved everything from the second shelf of all her cupboards, to the first shelf, and gave away her 2 step stools. Ornaments flew out the door as fast as I could pick them up. She was a hoarder of stuff but a very clean “hoarder.” She is so scared of falling again, that she was receptive to me decluttering her place, so I took full advantage of that. I really appreciate all the wonderful friends from GT who supported me during this time. I had to cold turkey my internet connection but I got your posts through Cat, thankfully. My dear Cat who stayed with me on the stem cell collection day and who supported me emotionally during those very painful injections pre-collection date, when I didn’t feel I could go on. Some of the side effects I experienced were chronic headaches that were not relieved by OTC medication. They give you a growth hormone that stimulates your skull and bones to produce stem cells, so your bones ache, and you have nausea and diarrhea. The effects of the injections get worse and worse, day by day. By day three, I had hit a wall and didn’t know if I could continue with them as I was feeling so ill. There was really no choice but to continue them or the person would die, without the transplant. When a person gets to a point of needing a stem cell transplant, they have no other option because they are dying. Long and short of it, was that I produced enough stem cells that they were able to harvest enough stem cells for two complete stem cell transplants for the woman. Because my arm veins could not have withstood a 6 hour collection process, they decided that I would have to have a femoral catheter line, which a surgeon puts in, using local anesthetic. It was so painful that I fainted on the operating table, and I was crying out in pain, and I was panicked and my blood pressure dropped to very low. I had to stay in a recovery room till everything stabilized itself out. From this femoral line I now have pure scarlet bruising across my groin area and abdomen. But this too shall pass. My 20 year old granddaughter moved in with me while I was away, as she only has 2 more months of university this term, and my cats needed looking after. She waited on me hand and foot this evening, as I told her that I needed her to look after me tonight. So thank you to each and everyone of you who supported me during this time. It’s nice to know that I have friends who are there when it counts!! Cat shared an experience with me that I’m sure she’ll remember a long time. LOL! Who knew that I would meet Cat on GT and that she would accompany me on this medical journey to give another woman and those that love her, a possible gift of life. I am the oldest person in Manitoba to donate stem cells to an unrelated recipient. I still can’t get my head around the fact that this woman and I share 9 out of 10 DNA markers, and we’re not related. They destroyed her immune system prior to her getting my stem cells, so do we now have the same DNA?? If both of us agree, a year from now we can communicate. The bone marrow and stem cell registries are linked across the world so she could in effect, live anywhere. Cat and I watched them put my stem cell bag in a cooler to be flown away to the recipient. I posted a lot today because I had a lot to say. I really wouldn’t want to go through this again, though I’m happy I did it. Carole
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`Welcome back to GT Carole!
What a story of self-sacrifice. I don’t know HOW YOU DID it!
It sounds horrendous!
The recipient will be grateful to you for life!
Wasn’t it just amazing that Cat was there with you. Another benefit of being in recovery and proof that GT has provided you with friends for life!
You were missed here Carole.
A very warm welcome back! -
It was good to log in today and see a post from you, good to see that you are doing ok after your ordeals, your adventures in life, adventures that makes life real and dealing with its ups and down a priority and not one overshadowed and controlled by our addiction. Just as you had no choice but to help someone , we have no choice but to help ourselves do the best we can to combat our disease.
My last email to you was returned but Bettie told me the reason so I did not have to worry, but still held a concern, prayer, and hope for you. Friendships don’t end due to times spent apart.
To you and any others that may read this post, I am doing good, free of gambling’s control, yet also fully aware of its power and the need to keep myself separated from its unrelinquishing draw by working at progressing ODAAT.
Take care.
God’s speed. Stay strong.
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Thank you so much (((Vera))) and (((Larry))) for your kind posts. I have missed the GT community while I was away, but am so happy to be back home with my internet connection and with my GT friends. You are right Vera that I have made some friends for life on this site. It was comforting to have Cat at my side during that time. My initial meeting with Cat was in Edmonton, when Bettie was visiting me. I’ve had the pleasure of visiting with Liz and Bettie twice, in Canada and the US. I’ve visited with Reds and Larry at a GA conference in Chicago. Even though I have never met Vera in person, we have communicated by phone and through email, that I feel like I know her so well that it’s like we have met. I have met several friends of the heart through this site. Carole
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Hi Carole, Glad that you are back home. It helps to be in your own bed, ect… I am happy that you were able to help someone else in need. Your health is your wealth. A lot of us take it for granted until something happens to us. Take care of yourself as you have been through a lot. When my Grandson was born the doctor harvested his stem cells from his umbilical cord. The company that stores the stem cells came to the hospital and picked them up. Three years ago my Daughter offered them to someone whose child had a brain tumor. The child responded from chemo and surgery and they didn’t use the stem cells. She had them harvested in case her son or a family member may need them. It is truly amazing what medical procedures can be done to save one’s life. I am glad to hear that your Mother is home now. I am sure she is appreciative of all you did for her. Take care.
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Welcome back Carole
What a selfless thing you have been through and you can feel good knowing you have made a difference to someone else’s life.. glad you are out of that gambling world at the moment and moving on with life. I have missed seeing you post here and i really love that you have met up with people from GT.. just wish we all lived closer but its nice to have people from all over the world to chat to and connect with too.
I can’t believe you now have 3 cats, that is wonderful i hope they all get along.. they must have missed you so much.
Good to have you back CaroleP
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Dear (((Charles)))! I was on the registry for approximately 10 years so one never knows when one will be the best match for someone who needs stem cells. Because of my age, I thought that I would never be called and was surprised my info was still on the registry. Your time may still come! Carole
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Dear (((P)))! The new cat is not getting along with my other two. She hisses at them and scratches them. I’m sure she’s scared and angry as well. She was the princess at my mother’s and didn’t have to share anything. It will take time before she adjusts to a multicat household. I had a cup of English Toffee Cappuchino and of course thought of you. Carole
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(((P))) that is not what I wanted to hear. My belief is over time they will get along. Pablo and Ferris are avoiding her and they live in their fairytale relationship of loving each other, and the rest of the world doesn’t exist. The new cat Emma is still hissing anytime they are in the same room with her. I’m still hopeful that they will love each other some day. Astute observation (((Vera)))! Carole
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Still some discomfort from the extensive scarlet colored bruising where the femoral catheter line was rammed in. I completed my post donation survey, made a request for a review of the $100 parking ticket I received when I was in Winnipeg for the donation, paid my utility bill, and am just generally getting myself organized and caught up. I’m still sleeping more than I usually do. Tomorrow I am travelling back to the country to see my grandgirls, and will be making cupcakes with them. (((P))) My 2 cats absolutely are enthralled with each other. They play and lay together and groom each other. Their world revolves around each other and they are 2 males. Carole
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You really are an amazing and brave lady. I can’t believe that someone who does not like pain would put them through all that you did to help someone. I know that the needles were tough on you, but that procedure they did to get your veins was the worst. To be fainting and passing out with it, but you continued to do it. You deserve a medal for that. I hope and pray that your stem cell donation saves the person’s life. It was truly a remarkable experience. To see your stem cells that were in the bag being put in the cooler, and knowing they were to go on a flight that evening. To know that someone was at the other end hoping and praying for them to arrive. WOW it truly is quite remarkable that I got to experience that with someone that I met here on GT. I can imagine that you are still feeling tired after all that you have been through, but you should feel really proud of yourself for what you did. Take care my friend (((Carole)))
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Thank you (((P))), (((Cat))), and (((Velvet))) for your kind posts! I went back to the acreage for 3 or 4 days, only to find out that the water lines were frozen in the trailer. I had to walk across the yard to the big house to shower, which was inconvenient. Took my grandgirls out for breakfast, to the movies, and then we iced cupcakes. Arrived back at my place in the city and in my mailbox I found a letter from One Match thanking me for my stem cell donation, and asking me if I would agree to sign an additional donation request to donate again should the recipient need more stem cells. They already have enough stem cells to do two complete stem cell transplants from me. I’m not even fully recovered from the first donation as I still have discomfort and bruising where they put the femoral catheter line in. I am probably going to say no as I would have to have the operation where they withdraw bone marrow through long needles, as a person isn’t allowed to have the injections and be on the aphresis machine twice. The injections aren’t approved by Health Canada and the long-term effects are unknown. If two transplants don’t cure the person, why would a third cure her? I need to think about my own health, or I could end up ill myself. I’m so happy that you were with me during that time (((Cat))) as my friend and my patient advocate. Carole
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I have definitely decided not to donate stem cells again! It does not seem that the sale of our house and property in the country is going to happen. Danny met with his friend/the buyer and the guy wants to lease the property from us and then buy it in 5 years from us. I refuse to be open-minded about it, as I don’t want to accept any offer that doesn’t pay me my share upfront. He would also be destroying about 7 acres of popular trees, which doesn’t sit well with me, if I’m still 1/2 owner of the property. Danny says they are “just populars,” but they are trees to me, and part of an ecosystem of birds, insects, and small animals. Carole
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Dear ((( Carole ))) WOW! Was stopping by to thank you for the lovely heart felt post that you left for me last week and a catch up and read all you have been through. There are so many people in this world who would not stop long enough to even THINK about inconveniencing themselves to help another unknown person. Let alone go through the pain and suffering you have. Very selfless Carole, a wonderful gift of life. Sounds like your choice to not donate again is the healthy and sensible thing to do. I totally understand about the trees! It’s still habitat for a lot of animals. It’s 3am here and I’m starting to get sleepy again so am hoping my typing is making some sort of sense lol I was also so happy to see Larry’s post as well. Great to see you both are doing so well. You have my admiration Carole! take care!
Laura -
New cat Emma-Lou is not getting along with my 2 males. She bullies the one eyed cat as he won’t fight back. She is just a little witch and I hope that changes soon, as I have to close my bedroom door at night with 2 of my cats in bed with me, so I don’t wake up to a cat fight!! I’m trying to organize myself somewhat today as I feel my life has been on hold and not in my control for about 6 weeks now. Some of what I could have controlled, I didn’t. I have started portion controlling my food intake again today! I took out salmon from the freezer for supper tonight, instead of a frozen individual dinner, that I have come to rely on. I’m laundering my bedding today and have plans to organize my clothes, as I have stuff everywhere since my granddaughter moved into my small place. I need to control my life again. Danny doesn’t even know if he has a job to go back to as he and another guy got themselves into trouble. The other guy has been moved to another site, but that site refuses to have Danny there. And with the sale of our property seemingly not happening, my future in Edmonton seems uncertain. If Danny isn’t working, he won’t be able to continue supporting me. I need to start seriously looking for a job. I had a job interview but had to cancel it as I was in Winnipeg with my mother. Danny and I just don’t get along for more than a day or two. I don’t try hard as he had many opportunities when I still lived with him to treat me right. He squandered them so why should I even try now?? It’s just where I’m at. Carole
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Hi Carole, Thanks for your post. Hopefully in time, Emma-Lou will get used to her new surroundings and her new siblings. You are so kind hearted taking in your Mother’s cat. I am off to a slow start this morning as I want to unpack the last of the moving boxes in my Grandson’s room so I can get him a bed and decorated the room for him. The last 6 weeks you have been busy with your Mother and your bone marrow donation. You will get re-organized. I am sorry to hear about Danny’s job situation. Maybe they will be able to find a place for him. It takes the 2 of you to work on getting along together. You can’t do that by yourself or can you make him do it. I don’t think that he wants to take responsibility for his actions in your relationship and do something to change them. That is hard work! That only my opinion and I could be wrong. I just want the best for you. You deserve happiness and peace in your life. Take care.
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‘Don’t know how you live with 3 cats Carole! Would you consider taking the “one eyed” cat to a cat shelter for a few days at give your mom’s cat time to adjust to her new companions one at a time? Maye two opponents are too much for her . ( I’m not into cats so can only judge in human terms) Two is company , three is a crowd!
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Hi Carole
Thanks for your post.. i am glad you decided against doing another donation, it sounds like what you did was well enough. its good you donated at all..
As for the cats, thats what my vet was talking about to me, as i wanted another and he said some will never get used to each other. I wonder if you have any friends or family who want a cat and they could perhaps take on your mums cat or it could be quite stressful for you and the kitties..
Hope you are keeping well and i love how you section your food into portion sizes, i am not good with portions, i love my food and struggle to not overeat. I hope that things work out financially, i must say i didnt like the sound of you having to wait Five years for payment.. hmmmm. Not something that would sit well with me either, a lot could happen in Five years.
You need that money to establish your new life. Sounds like you have tested the waters over and over with Danny and you have made the most positive choice, i am sure if the issues were there for so many years they would continue.. but you need to do what brings you contentment and peace too.. if it would bring you happiness being back with Danny there is nothing wrong with that, or if it makes you happy being single nothing wrong with that either, gotta do whats the best and healthiest choice for you.. you are not gambling which is wonderful, throw that into the mix and things will get a whole lot worse.p
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Hey Carole –
I just read the story of your stem cell donation – what a selfless and courageous thing to do. Hope you are healing well and that the recipient is doing well too. I had no idea of everything a person has to do to donate and I’m so in awe that you would go thru all this to help someone. Good for you. And good on you for the weight loss, it’s something I struggle with now and I know it isn’t easy but every day is a new day and we must just keep trying. Look at all the positive things you have done for yourself and others. I hope to get to the city in early March, will call you when I get a date nailed down. Stay well and keep in touch with us…your support means a lot to me.
reds -
Thank you (((Liz))), (((Vera))), (((P))), and (((Reds))) for your kind supportive posts. It was wonderful this morning (((Reds))) to see a post from you. Everyone is saying such nice things about me but I feel like crap this morning. I started my day yesterday with the intention of eating healthy and I ate about 30 Quality Street chocolates by the end of the day. I also gambled the day before yesterday. I am feeling overwhelmed with my life right now. I know I should change the things I can such as getting my place in order. Since my granddaughter moved in with her large dresser, night tables, and her personal possessions and clothing, vacuum, etc, my place is not the serene place it was. There’s stuff everywhere!! And with the cats not getting along it creates another stressor. Danny still doesn’t know if he has a job to go to. Our property not selling has taken a lot of choices away from me. I am gaining the weight back that I lost which is a huge confidence killer. Danny and I don’t get along and I don’t want to be forced to move back to the country because of finances. So now I have to figure out what I can do today to feel less overwhelmed. First thing I am going to do is throw out the rest of the tin of chocolates! Second thing is I’m going to apply for jobs in my field. I promised my daughter yesterday that I would look after my 2 granddaughters in March so that her and her husband could go on a holiday together. These cats hissing, growling, and screeching at each other is stressing me out. I don’t want to move back to the country and have to deal with Danny and his crazy family. Carole
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Hi Carole,
It sounds like you have a lot going on right now. What can you do to take gambling out of the quation so that you are better placed to deal with the other things as well?
You say “I also gambled the day before yesterday” but don’t give any detail? Where did you gamble? Was it spur of the moment or planned? Where did you get the money to gamble with? What things might have made it harder for you to gamble?
With al the things going on are you still going to that support group? Or how about getting back to GA?
My next group starts in just over 10 minutes, maybe come in and have a chat. -
Hi Carole
It was good to see you in the chat… put up those barriers with money again as soon as you can.. do all you can to help yourself this addiction is progressive and it just gets worse and worse, i have lived that for sure..
Glad you told us and came back.
Re the cats, can you give your mums cat to someone else, it is likely they won’t get used to each other. Some cats cant adjust.
Can you give it to a friend, relative, pet shop, anyone?
Can Danny take her? I understand your stress at the moment and things being up in the air. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. The thing that helped me the most is making recovery my number one priority. Putting it above other things. You have to want it badly though. I guess for me it took pain and lots of it to really really accept gambling is something i can’t do. Everyone is different, I’ve been here years and years relapsing, the most important thing is to come back and keep getting up and trying which you are.
We are here for you Carole. Reach out for help and you will find a hand. Keep coming to the chats even if you dont feel like talking much. Keep posting, stay connected to people who dont want to gamble and understand what its like.P
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Thanks (((P))) and (((Charles))) for your kind supportive posts. I am feeling so much better now than I was earlier today! I identified the things in my life I can change such as organizing my place, and my granddaughter put some of the stuff she’s not using in my vehicle, as we are travelling to her mother’s house on Friday anyways. I realized that if I don’t want to have to move back to the country, I need to find myself a full-time job, and I applied for 3 in my field today. That way I structure my time and am not financially dependent on Danny and I can stay in the city. I cannot give my Mom’s cat away as she loves it very much and was comforted by the fact that it was going to my house. We’re still going to keep trying to see if they can get along!! I need to get some passports pictures as my passport expires this summer. A person should always be ready for an impromptu trip. I am going to once again lower my ATM limit to $100, which will be a huge deterrent to gambling. I control my weight as no one is force feeding me chocolates, so I need to go back to not buying stuff like that, or having it in my house, as I have zero self-control with treats. It’s been so easy for me to slip into bad behaviors with so many things going on, and with the house not selling and with the possibility of Danny being unemployed. I can’t control these 2 things, but I can control pretty much everything else going on in my life. I am still organizing my bedroom walk-in closet and my granddaughter has vacuumed and mopped the floors and looked after the cats’ needs. I’m going to launder the living room drapes as the cats brush themselves against them, and I’m pretty sure we could make another cat out of how much hair is on them. All in all I’m feeling so much better! Carole
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Glad to read that you are feeling better Carole!
Sometimes it takes huge effort!
I know you know that gambling won’t solve your problems but it does SEEM to ease things for the time being. Having little or no money is the only way to be sure you wont gamble again.
Would you and Danny consider marriage counselling? (eeeek!!) -
Hi Carole, I am glad that you are feeling better. You are taking steps to have control over your life. We don’t have control over anyone but ourselves as I am learning. You have a lot going on right now and that can be very overwhelming. But you are taking steps to be able to stay in city where you are happier. You were there for me during my Husband’s illness and death and you helped me to keep going on. If there is anything that I can do to help please tell me. I am here for you!!!! You are a strong woman and I know that you will be alright!!! Stay strong.
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Day three of being gamble free. I have no urges to gamble which is great even though I have cash in the bank. The next time I go into the bank I am going to lower my ATM limit to $100 or Charles will “nag” me till I do. I appreciate that kind of nagging. I applied for three more jobs this morning. I’m more serious about finding a job as I am taking my time to write my cover letters and am laying out my education and experience as it applies to the position. I spoke to my daughter yesterday and told her that I had changed my mind about caring for my little granddaughters in March, as I needed to be available if I was called for an interview or a job. She received this news well as she doesn’t want me to have to move back to the country unless I truly want to. I don’t have my day planned yet, though I do know it won’t involve gambling. Danny has still not heard if he has a job to go back to. He is checking out working for other companies, while he waits to hear. Cats seem to be tolerating each other a “tad” better. There were several times yesterday afternoon that all three were within 10 feet of each other in the same room and there was no hissing or scraping. Thank God for small and big mercies! Carole
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I left a message for my case coordinator in Ottawa to call me as I wanted to discuss my experience with the donation. I told her I was offended getting the letter asking me to consent to donating to the same recipient should the person require it, before I was even fully recovered. I told her that I had donated two complete stem cell collections so I had already donated twice. She said it counts as only one donation. That makes no sense to me as they give the lady one transfusion and they freeze the second portion if she needs it later. I also explained that I would have liked to have the information about the injections not being approved by Health Canada before getting so heavily invested in the process. I found this out just before I was to start my injections. I probably would have decided to donate anyways, as I knew a lady was dying if she didn’t get stem cells, but I still would have liked to make a fully informed decision. Her response was that I could have decided not to go ahead with the donation at any time. In good conscience I wouldn’t have let someone die if I could have helped them. I don’t feel heard or understood by my case manager. I still feel that my needs weren’t taken good care of. It feels like the agency’s mandate is more important than me as a donor. She even tried to tell me that maybe I missed that information due to the amount of information that was presented to me in a short period of time. I was able to identify to her when that information was given to me, and it was after I went to Cancercare and had the ECG, chest X-ray, more blood work, and met with the doctor and case worker in Winnipeg, in a phone call with her from Ottawa. She had to concede to that and not that I had missed that information. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to get a requisition for blood work to see what my CBC levels are. I have to have this annually for years. Anyways it is what it is!! It doesn’t seem I can get her to understand where I’m coming from. She stated that they struggle about how much information and when, to give donors as an agency. Try giving them all of it and let them make an informed decision. Carole
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That Agency seems to be leaving themselves wide open for litigation Carole. An ordinary blood donor would be given far more information prior to the procedure. I think I would take the investigation to a higher level. Not only for your own satisfaction , but for the protection of future donors and recipients.
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The woman said that they get plenty of identified donors that change their mind about donating, either because they didn’t realize all that was involved, or it isn’t a good time in their life. I mentioned that they’d probably get more refusing, if people had all the information about what was involved right from the start, but that isn’t a reason to not provide them with the information. One Match Registry is a highly respected organization throughout the world and is linked to all the countries that have bone marrow registries. She would have received my post-donation survey where I outlined my experience honestly, which I’m sure becomes part of my file. Feeling used is a huge trigger for me because of the abuse I suffered as a child, and because of “people pleasing” ways, that I have been working hard to change. I’m not going to take this to a higher level as I don’t believe it would make any difference. I have my form for an additional request to donate in my purse ready to be mailed whereas I said no to any further requests!! I often say to myself in my head “What do they want blood?” (old expression) Then I chuckle because I realize I already gave them that. I hope I’m pretty done venting about this experience! Carole
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Hi Carole, you are probably right about letting it go and saying no to any further requests. I know you are looking for a job and your life is hectic right now, but you are always welcomed to my new home!!! I received a heart felt apology from my insurance agent so I am not going to go to his superiors and complain. I am letting it go, but I am changing my car insurance once the condo closes. I signed the extension papers today and we are to close by March 7th, probably before. That’s fine. What is one more week? Take care Carole!!!!
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Your phone call the other day was just awesome Carole and it really helped me more than I can say. I have a tendency to keep everything inside and that is not good for me. It is so much healthier to share how we are feeling. I am not happy about the weight that I have put on, but I don’t do anything about it. I am the only one who can change that. I feel that the weight is pulling me down and making me feel old. I know that I need to do something about it.
I went to see my counsellor the same day that you phoned and it was wonderful as it made me realize how sharing how I was feeling with you was important. I do hope that you can get a trip here in the summer.
I will say a prayer that you find a job that is perfect for you Carole. Have an awesome gamble free day!!! -
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Good morning Carole,
Another crazy week and a half of ups and downs for you I see! Feeling out of control was likely a big trigger. I can see that in me too. It’s a feeling of everything is so chaotic and going to a take a herculean effort so why not gamble? But it didn’t take you long to remember your new patterns and strengths! Very proud of you. Here are the lessons I learned from you and Cat today….I keep things bottled up inside, everyone has dark times and days where life throws crap at you and it’s ok to share how you are feeling, I need to work on what is in my control, a day can make a difference ??
I hope you have a great day Carole. Stay strong and keep up the great work!!!!!
Laura -
Hello I am wondering if you are okay as you have not posted for a little while. As you know I don’t always post, but I do read the posts to see how everyone is doing. I get concerned when you don’t post (((Carole))) I hope that you are okay and have got over the stem cell donation. It really was a traumatic experience for you to go through. I so admire you for doing it Carole as it was not easy on you, but you did it. I hope and pray that a year from now you get a response and thank you from the person who received it as it would mean so much to know that you save the life of someone you don’t even know.
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Thank you (((friends))) for your kind posts! I didn’t post because I was in the country. I went to my 5 year old granddaughter’s first hockey game where they played another team. My granddaughter was so proud that she scored a goal and skated over to her Dad and high fived him. The only problem was that it was on her team’s net, and she was embarrassed when her little friend told her. Then we were off to her birthday party at a gymnastics club. The following day we went to the 9 year old’s dance festival. She has been chosen to compete in ballet and jazz. Her face gets so animated during her dances and it was way past cute! It was heart-melting. She tends to be on the shy side, but not when she is dancing. She is also a natural when it comes to piano lessons. I did something to my right knee while I was sleeping a few nights ago, and the pain keeps getting worse. I believe it to be because I have a sedentary lifestyle. I had the worse sleep as I ate so much candy yesterday that my blood glucose levels would have been sky high! Why I did that to myself? I don’t know!! I was just falling nicely asleep when the cats started fighting. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that so decided to eat candy. At some point, all three cats were sleeping on the bed with me, so they must be making some progress in getting along. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am glad that you attended your precious Granddaughter’s events!! It sounds like you were busy!! I love watching my Grandson play baseball or do his karate!! These little guys grow up so fast!! There is nothing like the love for a Grandchild. That is what life is all about!!! I hope your knee starts feeling better. I am doing better at the gym and I am not as sore as I was in the beginning. It is going to take me awhile to get into shape. Well, if all 3 cats were sleeping with you then some progress has been made with them getting along. Maybe they are just getting used to each other. I am still going to get a dog but not for awhile as I want to do a little traveling and I don’t want to kennel my dog. I have cleared my house of everything I shouldn’t be eating as I have a habit of getting up during the night and snacking!!! LOL!!! Well, take care of your knee!!!
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Thank you (((Liz))) and (((Reds))) for your kind posts. I do not have your email address or phone number (((Reds))). I have a new cell phone number as of when I moved to the city. The people that have my email address are Bettie, Liz, Vera, and P. I can’t commit to the 14th right now as I have applied for jobs so I will have to see closer to the time. Sorry about that!! I live close to Whyte Avenue. Carole
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Hey (( Carole )) – Your granddaughter sounds like a sweetie – my granddaughter, now 5 has asked for a hockey stick for her next birthday. My grandson, just turned 1, cries every time Charles Hamelin falls down. They are coming for a visit next weekend and I can’t wait.
I sent an email to Bettie to forward my email address to you.
reds -
Carole, it sounds like you had a great time with your granddaughters. It is amazing how our grandchildren can lighten our hearts. They truly are a blessing to us. I need to plan our next visit to see our grandchildren as it give me something to look forward to. I don’t know if we will go in May for our grandsons’ birthdays or wait until summer. We will be going in October for our granddaughter’s 1st Birthday.
We are still working on our basement. I have shredded at least 4 garbage bags of papers and I still have more to do. I have only another couple of boxes to go through. We have the sub floor down in the laundry and storage area now and are putting flooring on top of it. Once that is done we can start to organize the metal shelving we bought from Costco. They are neat as they are on wheels so it makes it easier. I don’t know what area we will work on next. We are going to renovate the bathroom so that one will take time. Also we cant get the new window in the bedroom until the spring, that is if it ever comes. It is a slow process when we are doing things ourselves, but it will be worth it. It’s funny because when we were younger we would have probably had it all done by now LOL It seems like a never ending project right now. I am hoping that you have heard back from some of your job applications you submitted. Have a wonderful gamble free day (((Carole))) -
thank gosh the weekend is here! Morning Carole ?? I’ve got a tens machine on this morning in an effort to ignore the pain caused from working all week. So a quick note while i have a sit down coffee ?? The things we take for granted such as being able to sit on our butts! However the things that help me recover from the pain are good for me so I’ve already done some stretching this morning and a walk with the dog is planned in short order. Sounds like a lovely time with the grand daughter ?? As I caught up on your thread I’m like oh me too! I eat through the night (Liz) especially if I am stressed about something. And omg I have about 12 boxes of papers to go through (Cat) but I’m slowly making progress on those too. Now if I could sort through the inside of my head as easily as paper. Toss that , keep this, file way for long time storage that. I feel as though my head is in need of a good spring cleaning that was long overdo! Well, the temperature has risen above zero here as of yesterday afternoon. I was never so excited to see above zero in my life I don’t think. Winter can end as of yesterday please. So time to get off this duff and get some fresh air. Have a great weekend Carole!
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Thank you my (((Friends))) for your kind supportive posts! I have been in an emotional funk lately. This relationship I have with Danny is getting more complicated due to the fact that he supports me financially. He was here last weekend as we were celebrating his 60th birthday, but after 2 days, I needed him to leave, as we can’t seem to get along for more than 2 days. I used the direct approach and told him I needed him to return to the country as his presence was stressing me out, and he flatly refused to leave, and stayed another day. He has heard that he will not be welcome to return to the 2 job sites that his company has in northern Alberta, so the only possible option he MAY have, is working in the office in Edmonton, but it will mean a HUGE pay drop as there will be no overtime hours or hardship pay (northern allowance). He wants me to return to the country and look after the renters’ house, citing that I will make more money doing that than I will working in my field. He’s right about that but I don’t feel that I’ve had the opportunity to get a job and be part of a workplace team, doing meaningful work, to see if I like doing that. I did have a job interview yesterday and they will decide next week, who they short list to come back for a second interview. Danny will be here for the weekend as he is driving my 20 year old granddaughter back from the country, as she went home to help her Mom with the house and her little sisters, as my daughter had a problem of vertigo. Danny wants us to go to the boat show, but like I told him, I am not really interested in looking at boats. I told him that he cannot stay more than the weekend. There are times I think I could go back to the country, and then Danny says something that reminds me of why I left, and then I realize that it would be a mistake for me to return as I know I wouldn’t be happy. Cats are getting along most of the time, but Emma has to attack the other two, once or twice a day, for no reason at all, than to prove once again that she is a bully. Carole
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Hi Carole, Thanks for your post! I am sorry to hear that you have been in a emotional funk. There is a lot going on and some hard decisions to make. I would hate to see you go back to the country into the same place as you haven’t had time to grow on your own and there hasn’t been any resolution. I am thinking of you today!! I am still learning to put up boundaries with my Mother and sometimes with my Daughter when I see our relationship sliding back into the old mess it was. It is hard being a people pleaser but I am working hard on doing what is in my best interest. Carole, we have to look out for ourselves and in the end, I think that happiness is the number one thing for me. I hope you can get the job you interviewed for and can stay in the city. I want you to be happy!! Talk soon.
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Hi Carole
It sounds like you have a lot of decisions to make, choices..
Take your time making any decision. Whatever works for you Carole and makes you happy and content in your life.
Well done on not gambling since your slip. Its all a journey and a process. Sounds like you are going through a lot right now, take care of yourself. If you are considering a union with Danny again would you consider maybe counselling again first.P
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Thank you (((P))) for your kind post to me! Danny came to the city for the weekend as I had said I would go to the boat show with him. Everything was going swimmingly well, until Sunday. He mentioned that we would likely end up going to play the slots like we had done before, after a similar event. There is a casino right next door to the venue where the boat show was. I said that I did not want to gamble after the boat show, no way, no how! In the parking lot of the boat show Danny mentioned the slots a couple of times, which is intensely triggering for me. I told him to quit talking about the slots as it made me want to go. We walk into the boat show and I am having anxiety and feeling claustrophobic as there are tall boats, one right next to each other, and they all look extremely expensive. I had told Danny that I didn’t see why we were going to a boat show as we were not in the market to buy a boat as he doesn’t even know if he has a job, and the job could be in Edmonton, so when would he have a need to have a new boat. He thought we should consider buying a party barge so that we could take all the grandkids on the lake at the same time. I told him that it was not our responsibility to provide a boat for the grandkids and that their parents, if they wanted a boat could buy their own. I had so much anxiety at the boat show that I considered running out a door I saw marked as for emergencies only. We left the venue and Danny wanted to go look at motorhomes and I said I didn’t want to, as I just wanted to go back home. He criticized the amount of time I spend at home doing nothing, so I asked him to leave, as his plans were to leave Monday. He got angry and packed up his personal belongings and left to drive back to the country. The only good thing about all of this is that we didn’t end up at the slot venue. I pictured walking in, and then walking out without several hundreds of dollars and that kept me from gambling, and when I gamble, it’s not like the old days where, it didn’t trigger the urge to keep gambling. I need to get out of the rut of my life, and gambling isn’t going to help me do that. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am so proud of you for not gambling! To me, it seem like Danny is trying to make you happy by buying a boat or motorhome instead of getting to the heart of the problem. Instead of criticizing you, he should look within and deal with his own issues. I am only telling you what I feel as you are my friend and I care for you. You have made giant bounds in making yourself healthy and whole. I am glad that you asked him to leave as he was spreading his negativity on you. I had urges to gamble today while my Grandson was in school. In the city, I am surrounded by casinos. I don’t know where the urges came from. I am keeping myself busy, cleaning!! No gambling!! Take care of yourself. Stay strong.
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You did not let Danny control you and your gambling by ending up playing slots. In reading your post it is like Danny wants you to gamble as then he feels he has control over you and is not losing you. I am sure that Danny is concerned about his job as this will have an impact financially on him. Have you ever talked to your doctor about the anxiety attacks that you have. When you were describing how you were feeling I really could relate to the feelings as I sometimes get like that as well. I can feel as if I am having a heart attack and I just want to go home. In fact a few times I have ended up driving straight to the hospital. I am taking medication for depression and when I am on that it seems to help with the anxiety/panic attacks as well. You have achieved so much this last year and you know that you can do it. I noticed how many times you would say to me one day at a time when we were speaking on the phone when you were here for your mother. You really have come a long way (((Carole)))
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Thank you (((Liz))), (((Cat))), and (((Bettie))) for your supportive posts. Danny heard yesterday that he no longer has a job with his company. Not only does he lose his income but his dental and medical coverage for things like prescriptions and the designer injections he gets every 2 weeks that cost 3 to 4 thousand dollars a month. He is looking for another job but will have to take a huge pay cut when he eventually finds one. He has been supporting me financially so this impacts me as well. He is going on a prepaid golf vacation to Arizona at the end of March. All I know is that I can’t gamble nor do I want to gamble again. Danny has to be under a lot of stress with no job, advancing age, and some serious health problems like Multiple Sclerosis and Chronic Pulmonary Disease. Not to mention our complicated relationship! If I don’t get a job in the next 3 months that I can support myself with, I’ll have to go back to the country and manage the renters’ house. I do take it one day at a time! Today I will see what jobs I can apply for as well as tidy up my messy suite. The owners have put the house on the market to be sold, so I can expect people to be in and out of here to view the property. I can do what I can do right now, and that’s all I can do. Carole
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Life seems to send you continual challenges. I know that this must be very stressful for you and Danny right now. I am praying that you find a job that works for you, and also that Danny gets one as well. It is a stressful time for you again. It seems that you go from one thing to another without a break. You just went through all the stress with your mother and her falls and her being in hospital and you de-cluttering and organizing her apartment to make it safer so that she does not fall. Also, all that stress you went through with the stem cells donation. The needles, the procedure etc that you put yourself through to help someone. I know that you will take it one day at a time as that is the only way to get through this, but I truly feel for you with all that you have gone through and are still going through. You really are a strong lady who will get through this. (((Carole))) you are in my prayers!!!
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Thank you (((icandothis))), (((Liz))), and (((Cat))) for your kind supportive posts. Please don’t worry about me as what I am going through is just life. I had huge gambling urges yesterday but managed to get through them. I went and had blood work done, and grabbed a couple of wraps at the drive through, and drove straight home. Home is a safe place for me. I can’t afford to gamble so why the constant thoughts and urges? A person under stress will want to revert to habit behaviors, even if they are destructive, such as gambling, over-eating, drugs, and/or alcohol to “cope.” I have to put my big girl panties on and behave maturely, and make good decisions for myself. My granddaughter told me that I was micromanaging her, which I had to admit is true. I have to stop doing that as she is 20 years old. Part of why I do that is for her safety. I have made many comments on how low cut her tops are. She knows how I feel about that, so there is no point in telling her again. It snowed here overnight, which is disappointing as it is the first day of spring. I am having company this weekend as my 5 and almost 9 year old granddaughters are coming to stay this weekend. We will take them to Chucky Cheese and to the water park. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am glad that you able to get through the gambling urges! I think it is easier to go back to old habits instead of coping and dealing with our issues or problems. Your Granddaughter knows you love her and are only concerned for her. Have fun with your Granddaughters this weekend. Take care.
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Hi Carole
I too have been having gambling urges, I’ve had them for a few weeks now and they just keep appearing. You are right, its a habit. Trying so hard to create new ones, just got some chocolate, not a great habit, but maybe i will reach for that rather than a machine.
I hope that you are getting some clarity on your relationship with Danny. Also wishing some work would come your way.
You are doing good really Carole. Enjoy your time with the grandkids.P
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It turns out that Danny’s company is going to allow him to return to work on either April 17th or the 21st. He will utilize his vacation pay till then so that he still has an income. One of the best things is that we still have medical and dental coverage. I’m off to get a much needed haircut and then packing a bag as Danny is reserving a cabin with a fireplace for a few days for us. There is no TV and no internet. We might have to talk to each other or play yathzee or cards, or read. Carole
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The two days away from home was amazing! We stayed at a beautiful cabin with a wood burning fireplace. The cabin was beautiful and nicely appointed furniture wise. It had every modern appliance. On the grounds was a gourmet dining house. I ate Thai coconut shrimp and Filet Mignon with a pepper sauce one night. The next night I had the Thai coconut shrimp and fettuchine with shrimp. The desserts were delicious!! They had lamb, duck, and bison steaks and ribs on their menu, but I don’t eat food like that. We sat at a table by the fireplace at a window, watching the snow fall. We drank wine and it was all very lovely and romantic. When we left the restaurant there were several trees that were lit up with white Christmas lights, so it was like a winter wonderland! It was an awe moment!!! We spent several hours laying on a comforter in front of the fire and I thoroughly enjoyed that. They had Aveda products for shampoo, hair conditioner, and soap, which I appreciated. Both mornings someone delivered a picnic basket with a full breakfast for us. We had German apple pancakes, eggs benedict, juices, fresh fruit with yogourt, muffins, and hot coffee from a Keurig coffee maker. I definitely will be back there! Carole
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(((Liz))) That sounds like a lovely day- hiking and picnicking! It is good to get away for a few days and have a change of scenery. The sun is shining here and that always helps to feel better emotionally. I had urges to gamble yesterday and could have gone to the bank before it closed but I didn’t, so way to go, me!!! Nothing ever changes when it comes to gambling. Most of the time you lose all the money you came in with, and then you take out more, and lose that. On the rare occasion a person wins, they stay till that’s gone. If a person is able to leave with money, it goes back into the machines the next day, until that too is lost. Then the urges to gamble come back stronger, so if person has anymore money left in their account, they will gamble it till they have no more. It’s insanity really because we do something that affects our financial, emotional, psychological, and spiritual health in such a negative way. Hope we all have a gamble free day. Carole
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Your time away in the cabin sounds absolutely wonderful!!! I am so tired of this winter and cold weather. I am so looking forward to the snow being gone, but there is still so much that it is going to be a while. To think that tomorrow is April 1 and we still have all this snow here. I am finding it surprising at the weekend how I can spend the day at home now and do nothing, and I mean nothing!!!! I need to get on with things in the basement, but I am missing the motivation. I sure wish I could buy motivation, or even if I could bottle it up I could make a fortune selling it LOL I know that I have so much to do and I am not doing anything… I will just keep trying though. I hope you have a great gamble free day (((Carole)))
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Yesterday when I posted about the ills of gambling I was having big urges to gamble. And I did gamble and of course the whole scenario played itself out. I am going to close out my personal account which now has little money, and just have our joint account where Danny usually keeps me accountable. I have been playing free slots and bejewelled for hours on end almost every day. I deleted the free slots from my favorites list as well as from my facebook account, and will throw away the disc for the bejewelled game as soon as I locate it in my suite. I have not been living life as it’s games and TV all day. I don’t feel like I’ve been in recovery at all as I haven’t done the work to recover. Time to start addressing the things that need to be done in my life like getting the things together to do the business tax return for the renters’ house, cleaning my suite, and everything else I have been neglecting or procrastinating on. Only I can change my life. Carole
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Got a LOT done today! Worked on our business/personal tax returns by sorting, organizing, and totaling receipts related to our business. Did some light cleaning in my suite, and went out for supper with my granddaughter, and then we went for groceries. I should have everything organized for the accountant by the end of tomorrow afternoon. Carole
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Ok Carole being in the city there must be some GA meetings around. Here they suggest 30 meetings in thirty days-what have you got to loose? I know reading the yellow book can be a drag but listen to the words-and apply them to your situtation. Maybe they don’t fit or yet maybe they do? How do you know until you try? Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Why do we punish ourselves like that? I think I know how you must be feeling.
been there done that~
bettie -
Hi Carole, Yes, we can only change our own life’s. I had huge urges today but have managed not to gamble. I am walking a fine line and know that once I make the decision to gamble it is going to be a disaster. I am glad you came right back and posted and are moving forward. It truly helps to post here and to feel accountability. I have been rather complacent myself as I haven’t been going to meetings lately. I need to work on that. This addiction is evil!!
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Thank you (((Bettie))) and (((Liz))) for your supportive posts. Going to work today on getting my tax stuff ready to drop off at the accountant. Tomorrow I am going to close out my personal account and hopefully will have my granddaughter in tow with me. I gave my notice to my landlady telling her I will not be renewing my lease at the end of June. She is listing the property for sale as they are near retirement age, and live several hours away. I need to get passport pictures and file for a new passport as mine expires in August. I am also going to pay for the parking ticket I got in Winnipeg when I was there in February, and the parking ticket I got the other day when I went for a haircut. Neither time did I know I was parked illegally so it sucks to have to dole out $175.00. I don’t want to get arrested for outstanding parking tickets, or have my vehicle towed when I’m out and about. I’m going to stay on top of things from now on, instead of procrastinating. My vehicle needs a good bath, both inside and outside. I’m turning over a new leaf in my life!! Carole
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Carole you are sounding very positive in your post. I am so glad that you are not procrastinating as I know it will help make you feel better. As the world’s best procrastinator I know if I get started doing things it makes me feel better, but yet I am still procrastinating about those boxes in the basement!!! Good on you for turning over a new leaf in your life. Have you decided what you are going to do when you have to move out your apartment? I am very busy at work right now as we have our largest fundraiser at the end of April. I find that I get more motivated when I have deadlines. The challenge is not leaving to much until the last minute as then I get panicky. I could handle it easier when I was younger, in fact I could handle a lot of things better when I was younger LOL I am so looking forward to the weather being better and they are forecasting +5 this week!!! Have a great evening (((Carole)))
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My post disappeared into cyber space so I’ll try again. Turning over a new leaf didn’t last long. I gambled yesterday! I did get my tax preparation done, paid my parking tickets, and closed out my personal account. I can’t seem to stop gambling and am taking out a lot of money from our joint account that I know Danny is going to get angry about. But I still continue to do it!! I am going to have to move back to the country as I have not been able to secure a job that pays me enough to support myself. What has happened in the interviews I have had were varying levels of anxiety, where I couldn’t communicate the knowledge I have for the position, and at times my mind going completely blank. This has decreased whatever self-confidence I had. I have flirted with the thought of suicide as I don’t seem to fit in anywhere, especially with a gambling addiction. It’s not a realistic option for me as I couldn’t do that to my daughter and granddaughters. I’ve thought of going to rehab again but that seems like too much for me to handle with my sleep disorder. The 30 meetings in 30 days would take effort that I don’t have right now. I can’t seem to help myself right now. Carole
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Hi Carole,
I have a group going on right now, hope you can make it. Break things down into less daunting sizes. 30 meetings in 30 days? Very scary Im sure, don’t use that as a reason not to do 1 meeting a week though.
Where are you gambling? Is there any reason you can’t get excluded from there? Have you told Danny you are gambling? He can help you protect both your finances.
Hopefully see you shortly in the group. I’m there for the next 45 minutes or so.
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In case those thoughts return Carole here is a link I need to give you.
You have a lot of support available to you Carole, you can stop gambling I promise you. When you make the first of those weekly meetings one thing you will get is likely to be hope. That tends to happen when you look into the eyes of another compulsive gambler who isn’t gambling.
Stay strong, you can do this.
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Thank you for the post (((Charles)))! Sorry I missed your group, but I was tidying up my suite as a realtor and the landlord are coming here tomorrow to take pictures and list the house. I know that I am the only one that can change my situation. I did go online and googled where the GA meetings are. There is one tonight at 7:00 pm, but I don’t know if I’ll go. I am gambling at VLT lounges where I can’t self-exclude at. Danny knows I am out of control gambling at the present time, but he is away in the USA golfing. He doesn’t like me gambling out of control and thinks if I want to gamble, I should do it in a controlled way. I have told him that cgs can’t control their gambling. Gambling to me is like fishing, in the sense that you never know what you’re going to get. I used to love fishing but now I don’t do it as I don’t want to kill any fish or animal. Catch and release kills a lot of fish. I like the rush of not knowing when I’m going to hit something good. I don’t seem to want to do anything unless it involves gambling or eating out. I could nurture friendships I have in the city, but I don’t have the desire. I have an anxiety problem that has gotten worse over the past 10 years or so. I very recently stopped playing free slots online and that has increased my desire to do real gambling. I have had the craziest thoughts recently like taking all my gold jewellery into a shop that buys gold, and selling it for gambling money. This includes my wedding and engagement ring. I have never gambled online but have seriously thought about it, using my credit card that presently has a zero balance. I received an offer today from my credit card company offering me a transfer balance of under 2%. I thought about asking them to deposit money to my account but I no longer have an account. This is the most out of control I’ve ever felt as I am considering doing things that I would have never done, before I started to work recovery. It is a progressive disease no doubt. Carole
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Dangerous waters and thin ice Carole. Considering things you’ve never done before to finance gambling. It might be the most out of control you’ve ever been and it’s good that you realise that but unless you nip it in the bud now, I have the feeling that what you feel at present will sooner rather than later become the norm, and then (speaking from my own experiences), you will consider even more desperate measures to get gambling funds. It is progressive absolutely, and only you can stop it now before it cascades into a catastrophe. You know what you have to do and I’m sure that everyone of your friends here has faith in you, everyone knows that you really can stop this now if you really want to. Enough is enough. Have you had enough yet??
Take Care.
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Carole thanks for posting on my thread especially with what you are going through now. Are you upset and experiencing anxiety at the thought of going back to the country? Just try not to gamble and get some control over your thoughts. It is not a easy place where you are at now. Could you try to get to that meeting tonight? Can I do anything to help you? I am here for you.
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I am sorry that you are feeling so out of control with your gambling. Is there any barriers that you can put in place to stop you having cash available to gamble. I was thinking the same as Liz and wondering if it is the thought of going back to the country that is causing some of the problem. (((Carole))) why don’t you go to the group that is offered through the addictions foundation.
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I’m not long back from a day out Carole, and I was taken aback, somewhat to read how fast things seem to be spiralling out of control for you. I have no doubt that this can happen to any one of us, because we have all crossed the proverbial line and trying to gamble in a controlled fashion is not within a CGs gift. We have had our fun and the only “bonus” we can ever expect is a measly “Win”, which will only prolong our agony. It’s one thirty am here Carole so I will be brief!
You have entered the danger zone. Get help. Tell someone close to you what is happening. You should not be alone right now. How about a visit to your GP? You may be gambling to escape some underlying depression. Be aware Carole that our minds play tricks on us at times like this. You are not thinking rationally. Suicide is NOT the answer. You know that! Don’t do anything you will regret. You CAN STOP GAMBLING! Keep telling yourself that. You Really CAN stop! -
Thank you (((Geordie))) (((Liz))) (((Cat))) and (((Vera))) for your support! I didn’t gamble today. I didn’t attend a GA meeting. I did think of making an appointment with my GP, but decided that medication is not how I want to deal with my anxiety. Years ago I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with a major anxiety disorder, as well as depression. I am on anti-depressant medication, and have been for years. I am very stressed out about moving back to the country. Carole
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You are dealing with something stressful and that is moving back to the country when it is not really what you want. Is there any way that you could stay in the city? I would suggest that you see your GP as your medication may need adjusting. Also, if you need to take medication for anxiety there is nothing wrong with that. In fact the anti-depressant that I take also really helps with the anxiety aspect. You may need to change the anti-depressant that you are taking. It would be good to talk to your doctor about all of this.
If you decide that you do have to move back to the country then I would set some ground rules with Danny before you do it. For example if you don’t want to be cleaning out the renter’s place then don’t do it and just continue with what is in place right now. Also, write down any other things you want Danny to agree on before you move back and get him to sign it and tell him you are not moving back if he does not agree to them. I just want you to be okay. Please go see your GP first and foremost though!!! -
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Hi Carole, I was thinking of you today. I hope all is going well and that you are keeping busy doing things. You are very special to me as well as others here. I do worry as I want you to have everything in life that you deserve. I agree with Cat, make a list of rules for Danny before returning to the country. You can’t go back to the same situation again where nothing has changed. Take care!!
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I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. I hope that you are doing okay and able to stay away from those machines. You know they are not the answer to anything (((Carole))) Although I do understand how it is nice to escape and play machines rather than deal with what is really bothering us. I was actually visualising walking into the Casino this weekend and how I would feel to play those machines. Today when I even post that I can feel my body tensing up from fear. Does the two months you have before you have to move out give you enough time to really focus on finding a job that would provide enough money to live on? Is it possible to get a month to month extension until they sell the place? Please do a post to let us know that you are okay.
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I have gambled every day in April so far other than the 3th and the 6th. I don’t know how many days I gambled in March. I have made the decision to talk to Danny and ask for his help, but the problem is that his way of being helpful is treating me like a child. I am not going to carry a debit card anymore and will purchase everything on a credit card and then pay off the balance online so that I don’t have to go near a bank. I never wanted to give up my debit card but it seems to be the only way. I will ask Danny for $50 a week cash for small purchases. That way I won’t have access to cash to gamble. I have told him of the small inheritance I am getting from an uncle. Danny arrives home from Phoenix tonight at 4:00 am and I am driving to the country to deliver the accounting stuff so that we can get our taxes done. I also want to talk to Danny about my gambling, and visit my granddaughters and daughter. I’m not even going to try and find a job but rather move back to the country and make the best of it. Moving to the city didn’t change my life for the better. It just made me older, fatter, and gave me more opportunities to gamble anonymously. I’ve had some time away from where I used to gamble at a lounge in the country. So for those of you that think you can have a gamble here and there, let my experience speak for itself. There will come a time when a gamble here and there will put you on thin and dangerous ice as Geordie mentioned. This is not a disease that a person can screw around with. It’s like playing Russian Roulette. The more you play, the bullet will eventually be in the chamber that is pointed right towards you. Use my experience as a cautionary tale. Carole
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I went online to see exactly what I have lost in March and April. March I lost $1,200 and from April 1st to the 5th, I lost $2,100. I will have to be truthful to Danny about my losses which is not something I’ve talked to him about before. I am at a point where I need to do something different as what I’m doing isn’t working for me, and it’s pulling me back into being severely ill with my addiction. Carole
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Hi Carole, I think that asking Danny for help and being honest with him is the best thing to do. When we start tallying our losses it is sickening. I remember going through so much money that it made me sick. We can’t recoup our losses but we can try to find ways not to gamble again. I feel like a butt and I have kicked myself over and over again for my gambling adventure after my Daughter and I were fighting. The $300 wasn’t the worse thing, it was that I let myself go there again!! I am reading some self help books and keeping busy. The GA group that was here doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t know what to say about you moving back to the country. I understand that it is more feasible money wise but I don’t want you to be unhappy and feel like you are stuck somewhere that you don’t want to be. I don’t know what the answer is but I know that being happy makes other things fall into place. I am just starting to really like myself and get my self confidence back. I think it started with me standing up for myself with my family. Although, I have family members no longer talking to me. LOL!!! Anyways, enough about me. Do what you think is the best thing for you to do. Think about your happiness!! What can you change or do for yourself to find some peace within?? Take care and I am thinking of you.
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Women (and maybe some men too (lol), can be idealistic about marriage Carole)….sometimes we just have to face up to what IS and drop our ideals and look at reality. The reality , for you right now is that you cannot control your gambling. Being in a strange city where you don’t have to account for your moves and as you identified you can act anonymously is the worst place for you to be. The country may not be a perfect place but it has it’s advantages. Maybe when you talk to Danny, lay down some terms and conditions and settle back with your family around you, you will stop gambling.
Nothing like a clean slate to motivate a CG!
You are in my thoughts and prayers Carole. I hope all works out well for you. ODAAT! -
Carole, don’t look at this like a failure. It’s just part of the journey. I look back sometimes and frankly things happen for a reason. Maybe this is just what you needed to confront your gambling squarely in the face. We think we can control and fix things on our own and the reality is we can’t. This is when we learn “surrender”-when we realize we can’t gamble even just a little. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you have the GA yellow book pull it out and read it every day, esp page 17. If you don’t have it you can find it at https://www.gachicago.org.
bettie -
(((Carole))) one part of your post stood out to me as I could relate to it, as you said that Danny’s way of helping you was treating you as a child. I know that my husband has a tendency to do that to me as well. I don’t respond to it well at all. I am working on barriers as to what is acceptable and I would suggest that you do the same. It is okay for Danny to help you, but it does not mean that he can control you. You are your own person and don’t let anyone take it away from you. You have to look at your time living in the city as something you wanted to do. It may not have worked out exactly how you wanted, but you tried it.
I don’t believe there is such a thing as controlled gambling for a compulsive gambler. I know that I can’t do that as if I go once then I want more and more. I am not an alcoholic, but I think most people relate to the fact that an alcoholic can’t have one drink. I can also tell you it is the same as smoking as I quite for over 14 years and started having a few puffs and then ended up smoking again. I am trying to stop smoking again!!! It also tells me that no matter how much gamble free, smoke free, drink free time we have that the first bet, smoke or drink is all it takes.
I know that you can do it Carole!!! We all have to do it the same way ODAAT!!!!
The sun is shining this morning and it is supposed to go to +7 today and +14 on Wednesday. They are forecasting the snow will be gone by Easter. I am starting to feel better and I think a lot of my feeling blah has been related to this long winter.
I think you should start posting a bit more and we can all support each other more. Take care my friend!!! -
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I’ve been with Danny in the country since Monday and it’s been fine. I spoke to the landlady and the house has been sold and I negotiated a move out date of May 14th, as opposed to June 30th. I’m at my daughter’s overnight as she has a 10 km run tomorrow in Edmonton. I’ve stopped gambling as well as playing free slots and am not missing it all. Carole
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(((Carole))) so glad to read your post as I was concerned when you had not posted for a few days. I am glad that you have went to the country with Danny and everything is fine. It is one day at a time for everything in our life. If you think back about the last few months and what you have gone through. I am still in awe of you for donating the stem cells, but dealing with your mother falling and having to stay and organize everything to make her apartment safe. I am glad that you have not gambled and stopped playing the free machines. I know that sometimes I want to play the free machines, but all it does is want the real thing, and I know how that ends!!!
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Thank you (((Friends))) for your kind comments. The thing that is making the most difference in me not gambling is not having a debit card. I felt hopeless and helpless when I got myself embroiled in out of control gambling recently. I am enjoying being in the country as it is peaceful and serene. I saw a deer in my garden yesterday. I am at my daughter’s still and planning to take the grandgirls to a matinee this afternoon. I slept horribly last night. Carole
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I’m back in the city to launder curtains, pack up some of my things to move back to the country, and of course take my 3 cats back with me. I will be here till Friday so will have the opportunity to clean the inside windows, move the fridge and stove to clean under them, etc. I got my lease amended and I can be out by May 14th as opposed to June 30th. It saves me some cash especially when I’m not even living there anyways. It’s been over a week that I’ve gambled and I have no easy way to gamble, as I no longer have my debit card and my credit card does not allow me cash advances, thankfully. My internet connection in the country is spotty at best, which is a good thing for me, as it means I won’t be spending a great amount of time on my computer. I no longer have my own account. We have a joint account and Danny monitors it now. If I were to chose to take money out of it for gambling, he would know and probably be angry, and I don’t like when he is angry about me gambling as he treats me like a child. It’s best to not have to worry about his reaction so that means not gambling. I ran into a girl I used to be really good friends with, at Walmart. I gave her my new phone number and we will get together. She is against gambling as she knows someone who became a gambling addict. She does not know the severity of my gambling problems and I don’t see a need to tell her as I’m no longer gambling. Not that I would have a problem telling her! I am feeling somewhat organized as I completed our census surveys online, and paid my utility bills and credit card online. I have arranged for my utilities to be read and for final bills for my suite. Going to go out with my friend Darlene Thursday evening, probably to the Comedy Club. Carole
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Hi Carole. I am glad that you are not gambling and that you have made it harder to gamble. That’s awesome that your lease was amended. Where you live in the country is very beautiful and peaceful. I know your plans did not work out the way you wanted but at least you tried. Everything happens for a reason. I totally believe in that. Sometimes it just takes awhile to figure out the whys! Maybe some of the stressors will be taken off of you in moving back to the country. Have fun with Darlene. Take care!
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Thanks (((Liz)))! My plans didn’t go as I had hoped but Danny has been making the effort to be less quarrelsome and kinder to me. I’m going to try it again with him! I do love my property as it is quiet and peaceful, as you and Bettie know. I’m looking forward to having campfires, flower gardening, and watching the Northern Lights. My cats will have a big outdoor enclosure that Danny is building now, so they can enjoy summer days safely outside. When are you getting your dog Liz? After the spa trip? You should get a cat as well in my opinion. Carole
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(((Carole))) I am glad that you are giving Danny and yourself another chance. You should be proud of yourself that you tried something and for some reason it did not go the way you had planned it, but as Liz says everything happens for a reason and we don’t always know what. I know that I have to work at forgiving my husband for the way he has treated me at times, and also for not being their to support me the way I wanted. It is not always easy, but I am progressing in it, and putting boundaries in place have helped me so much. I know that I always felt guilty when I would stand up for what I wanted. I am slowly realizing that I am my own person and if I don’t want to do something I don’t have too. It is interesting how someone can make us feel guilty because we are not conforming to what they want. I believe as we get more “mature” we learn so much more. I wish I had read the book about better boundaries years ago. Life is all about taking it one day at a time, and I am realizing that more and more. I am feeling overwhelmed right now as we are really busy at work with a big fundraiser that is happening at the end of April. My daughter is moving back in next weekend. We are working on the basement. Need I say more. I have to separate everything though and say I will deal with it step by step. I am not super woman any more and I just don’t have the stamina that I used to have. I am excited as our grandkids and of course our son and wife are coming to visit us in August. I am excited to have my kids all together for a change. Usually we go visit them twice a year. It is also motivation to get the basement done, although once our daughter moves back she will be helping with the basement. She will have her own space in the basement. It will all come together, but it is stressful, and I don’t like my home being in such an upheaval. I understand the barrier with cash by having Danny looking at the joint accounts, as that is a strong barrier for me with my husband. Carole, all we can do is take it one day at a time!!!
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Carole I once heard and have repeated many times “If you want to make God laugh, tell hime YOUR plan!”
I often have one course of action all planed in my mind and it just doesn’t go as I thought it would.
I think living in the city is just part of the journey, yet another step to get you closer to where you are meant to be.
For whatever reason we are right where we are suppost to be. I console myself with that thought when I am feeling down about things. I told my girlfriend one day when we were talking about my medical issues that some days it just sucks to be me, but I am ok with that. Tomorrow is a new day!
bettie
ps-we had 70f over the weekend-and there is snow on the cars today! WTF?? LOL! -
Hi Carole, You are right about the “old timers”. Temporary insanity? Spring fever? I am glad you could regroup and begin again. I was talking to a friend today about diet and exercise. She said that the good thing was the fact that we can always start over…every day was a new opportunity to start over. Speaking of starting over, I wish the best for you and Danny. I agree with Bettie that every thing happens for a reason. I am sure both of you have learned a lot about yourselves and each other as well. I am thinking that now you will be able to take your relationship to a new level. Both of you will be in my prayers. Also, relationships in general. My husband and I have been struggling lately, also. I think that when the structure of your life changes, as ours has in the last 5 years, it is hard to find your bearings again as a couple. And for me, in particular, find my way as an individual when, in the past my life revolved around every one else. One day at a time. I am finding my way. In fact, I am finding that I like the freedom, and I kind of resent the fact that people expect me to do things I used to do just because I have always done them. One day at a time, and trying not to take it all (especially myself) so seriously. Speaking of that, I think going to a comedy club is a great idea. Laughter is great medicine. Take care.
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Hi Carole, Thanks for your recent post on my thread. It is nice to hear from someone I respect that I am doing alright in my grieving process. It’s been a tough year but I made it through it. We never know where our path is going to take us. I am glad to hear that Danny is being kinder to you. Maybe he learned something from you and him being apart while you were in the city. I hope so!! Your place is so awesome in the country and I know you will be alright and you will be closer to your Daughter and grandkids. I might get a cat. I love animals but I don’t know if it is time for me to get one as I feel like I’m not quite ready yet! Well, take care!!!
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Thank you (((Friends))) for your kind supportive posts. I think so many are struggling to stay gamble free because we have reverted to old habits (gambling) to deal with change and stress in our lives, and for some of us, we have let our barriers slide. The most effective barrier I put in recently was not to carry a debit card. I tell you it works! Plus having to be more accountable to Danny with only having the joint account. I hate it when he is angry that I gambled even though he has enabled me in the past. Now when he is grumpy I don’t have to wonder if it’s because he’s discovered a significant withdrawal from our account. That alone makes me feel less stress. There is no shame in giving up our means to gamble. It’s a bit like being a drug addict and having drugs in your house, and trying to use self-discipline not to use them. It’s way more helpful to get rid of the drugs so that a person isn’t fighting urges and thoughts to use. It’s an illusion to think that a person is giving up “freedom” by getting rid of cards that can be used to gamble. Freedom comes when a person doesn’t have to think about going gambling because they have no access to gambling money. My suite is untidy and needs cleaning so hopefully I will be able to get motivated today and get some of that done. My granddaughter is writing a history final today and will be moving back to the country on April 26th. She broke up with the resident doctor as he was so in love with himself, and she didn’t feel there was much room for her in his relationship with himself. She went to a concert last night with a guy from where we live in the country and she had a great time she said. Carole
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Hi Carole! Thanks for your post. I need to keep up my boundaries with my family and I intend to. I am trying to make friends here and join groups. It is hard for me but I am taking baby steps!! Good for your Granddaughter in breaking up with the doctor. She deserves more from a relationship. She is a very smart young woman. I think that anything that helps detour gambling for us is useful!!! There is no shame there. I am trying to get motivated also to clean the place and do some laundry. LOL!!! I hope you have a great day today!!!!
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Carole it is wonderful that you have put barriers in place to protect yourself from having cash to gamble with. It is true when we don’t have money we don’t gamble. Our daughter moved back home yesterday. She has a few things to finish off at her apartment, just a few items of furniture she is getting rid off and then it has to be cleaned out. She has until the end of April. I am so busy at work right now, but it will all work out. I am thinking of taking a few days off work at the end of May to work on our flower garden at the front of the house. I am also just going to pick-up a few hanging flower baskets for the back. The sun is shining today and it is warmer, thank goodness, it has been a very long winter this year. I still feel overwhelmed with all the things that I need to do in the basement, but I am working on taking it one day at a time!!! Have a great gamble free day Carole!!!
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Thanks (((Cat))) and (((Vera))) for your posts. I have not been around as I couldn’t figure out the 8.1 version of windows that came with my new computer. I only have internet at the renters’ house so I will have to walk across the yard to access it. My granddaughter installed google chrome for me, so now my computer is user friendly. I’m off to my granddaughters’ dance recital this afternoon. The 9 year old won a dance scholarship for next year, and she got a 5 year pin. She loves dance and she says it is her life. I have been gamble free since early April. Carole
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(((Carole))) so glad that you posted and have been gamble free since early April. Gambling is such a downward spiral when it gets a hold on us again. I can’t gamble as I know that I would be back to those thoughts/urges all the time. Not being able to think of anything but getting to the Casino, trying to find money to gamble, hating myself. YUCK!!! It’s interesting as pay day was always a trigger for me and I would leave work early on the Friday so that I could get some time in. Originally I would go after supper on a Friday payday and then I would be there late as I had lost too much money and would be chasing to get my money back. I would then leave when I got some back, but eventually I did not leave and just kept putting in all the money I won. It is strange how money does not seem to have any value when we are gambling. I would not buy something for myself as it was too expensive, but hey, it was okay to throw it all away in a machine!!! I am sorry Carole, that I am saying all this on your page. I don’t know where it came from.
Are you moved back yet, or do you still have to empty out your apartment? It sounds as if you are enjoying spending time with your granddaughters. I know that they will have missed having you living close to them. I am sure that they are absolutely thrilled that you have moved back to the country. It is a nice time to be back in the country when spring and summer and all the new life springing up around you. Take care and keep posting now that your granddaughter has fixed the machine so that you can get into it. -
Hi Carole, I hope all is well with you. Are you moved out of your apartment? I am sure your Daughter and Granddaughters are glad that you are back. Now you can go to their activities as you are closer to them. Everything here is green and blooming. I am sure the same thing is happing at your place and that it is green and beautiful. Well, take care and post soon!!
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Hi Carole, I hope all is well with you. Are you moved out of your apartment? I am sure your Daughter and Granddaughters are glad that you are back. Now you can go to their activities as you are closer to them. Everything here is green and blooming. I am sure the same thing is happing at your place and that it is green and beautiful. Well, take care and post soon!!
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Hi Carole.
I read that you have a lot going on, I hope you are managing to get through it all without gambling.
I havn’t read all of this thread but know that life hasn’t always been too kind to you. What I do know though is that neither you or I, or anybody else needs to gamble. And neither do any of us need to commit to staying gambling free for the rest of our lives. Just for today not gambling will be a blessing. I hope that you can commit to that.
Take care.
Geordie.
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Thank you to my (((Friends))) who post to me in spite of the fact I haven’t been posting often. I am driving to Edmonton on Friday and going to the comedy club with my friend Darlene, and then sleeping at my apartment, and then moving my furniture out the next day. It will be a busy day as I need to pack my things and clean my suite. It’s May 6th and it is snowing like crazy. I am doing fine as I’m happy I moved back with Danny as we are closer emotionally than we have been in years. He goes back to work tomorrow for 14 days. I have the renters’ house to clean almost daily and am grateful as it gives me something to do with my time. Danny built a huge cat enclosure for my cats so they can be outside safely. My granddaughter is coming over today to color my hair. Not much else to relate, other than my 9 year old granddaughter won high gold, and gold this weekend for ballet and tap. She also won a dance scholarship for dance next year, and her dance group won the most promising award in the competition. My mother is doing well enough these days though continues to have the occasional fall. Carole
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Great to hear you sounding happy and relaxed, Carole!
“The divil you know is better than the divil you don’t know!”
It takes two to tango so maybe now that you have had a break from Danny, you two will catch up on lost time.
Gambling is not the solution to life’s problems Carole. We both know that.
In one of Ken’s “Gift for the day” emails it mentions GRATITUDE and ACCEPTANCE!
I’m try to be grateful for all I have and accept all the shortfalls!
E mail when you get a chance Carole! -
Hey Carole –
I am glad to hear that you are happier, and enjoying your spring out in the country. I know my husband and I have hit some really low points in our relationship and managed to find our way back to happiness. I wish the same for you and Danny.
I am dealing with the loss of my father and looking forward to my summer in the bush to have time to heal and do what feels normal for me. Time will help us heal from gambling as well as it recedes further into the past.
Wish you well…
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Hi Carole I am glad to hear that things are going well for you. Maybe having time apart was good for you and Danny. I wish you both all the best. Quite the accomplishment for your 9 year old granddaughter in securing a dance scholarship. She obviously has a love for it. My grandson is progressing in baseball and karate which are his passions now. With a 8 year old, who knows what he will be interested in next. It is good to hear that your mother is doing alright. Take care and have fun at the comedy club.
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Those beautiful tulips are in bloom here now. I think of you and Reds when they come up now. They were so beautiful when you two were here, Hardly seems like 2 years have past. Wonder what Larry is up to?
The Canandian Geese are hatching eggs in the oddest places-one right in front of a store on a busy street. Sweet to see the couples guarding the nest.
Take care !
bettie -
(((Carole))) so great to see a post from you as I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. Your post sounds very calm and peaceful which is awesome. It is awesome that your granddaughter is doing so well with her dancing. I bet you really enjoy watching her dance.
I am glad that you and Danny are doing better. I think we sometimes create some of our own challenges with our relationships with our husbands. I know that I have not been the best with my husband and have pulled back emotionally from him. I believe that I need to work on it, as nothing changes if nothing changes. I know that I have some anger inside that I feel towards him. These are from past hurts and I know that I need to start afresh and talk to him. I don’t want to separate from him. I think a lot of the anger inside me is really directed towards his drinking!!! I know what I need to do and as long as I don’t do it then it will not change. I will continue to work on it.
Sorry I did not mean to post all this on your page.
It is wonderful to see you so happy and content. One day at a time is all we can do!!!
I hope you enjoy yourself at the Comedy show with your friend. Take care and keep posting with your awesome and positive outlook!!!! -
Thank you (((Friends))) for the lovely posts. I appreciate each and every one of them. Time apart has done us good as we both try and get along better with each other. It does take two to tango. I was feeling somewhat stressed out last night as our pattern is for Danny to pick a fight just before he returns to work, but we managed not to get into a verbal argument. He is leaving shortly this morning to fly out to work. I am at the renters’ house laundering bedding and will do a few hours of cleaning. My daughter will color my hair this afternoon for me at her house. The cat enclosure got finished so the cats can go in and out whenever they want. We still need to put up carpeted perches and I want to sew hammocks for the cats. They much prefer being outside roaming wild but I can’t take a chance that a predator will get them. Pablo caught a mouse and a big raven was squawking a couple of feet away, doing a bird dance as it wanted the mouse Pablo killed. The sun is shining today for a change. It has snowed or rained every day for quite some time, so the sun is a welcome relief. My granddaughters live nearby but they are so busy with school and extra-curricular activities, that I don’t see them but for a couple times a week. They also have friends which take priority over Granny. I booked an optician appointment for later in the month as my vision seems to be declining fairly significantly, perhaps due to the early cataracts I have. Carole
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I always like to see what Carole is up to! Glad it’s not gambling! lol It’s funny, but my hubby and I would always have some kind of confrontation before I would leave to take care of my mom. I was the instigator. So crabby. Didn’t want to leave…and just plain angry. Not proud of it, but I think I took it out on him. I think I resented the fact that he could stay home and I had to leave.
Sounds like your cats have quite the life! I love to hear how people love, spoil, and take care of their pets! That’s how it should be.
I guess the grandchildren grow up and move on just like our kids. Cherish those weekly visits. They want to be with their friends, but they will always remember how special it was to have grandma close by. When they look back, it will mean even more to them! Take care, Carole. Glad to see you back on track with your recovery. -
I was advised yesterday afternoon that my mother has been admitted to hospital in Winnipeg, due to confusion and disorientation. I’m just waiting to hear from my brother and sister-in-law who will visit her today, as to whether I need to travel to Winnipeg. It’s is hard when a person has aging parents with health concerns, but harder when a parent dies I’m sure. Carole
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Sorry to hear about your mom Carole, but if she is stable in hospital, maybe you should sit tight. Can you rely on your family to give accurate reporting or can you phone the hospital? Who is next of kin? I know we always gave most info to NOK! Relatives have to be informed if a patient is “critical”.
I’m just thinking of you being there at a loose end between visiting hours. What would you do?
If you are going, bring somebody with you and limited cash!
(Who am I to lecture?) lol! -
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(((Carole))) if there is anything I can do to help you just have to let me know. It is challenging when you have parents with health problems in a different province. I am thinking back to when you were here and at that time you were thinking that she may have been better in assisted living, and you may have been right. You were talking about her being confused at times when you were visiting her in the hospital.
Thinking of you and you know my number if you need anything. -
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Thank you (((Friends))) for your kind supportive posts. My mother was discharged from hospital two days ago, with Homecare now coming in to administer her meds. She is not making good decisions for herself in terms of her safety, so my brother is meeting with her Homecare case coordinator next Wednesday to start the process of moving her into a place that has 24/7 staffing. It’s crisis to crisis with my mother these days. I don’t have time to post much anymore as I have 7 bedrooms rented out and the bedding and towels and cleaning daily keep me busy. Then I have my own place to clean. I did get moved out of my suite in Edmonton, and it was cleaner when I moved out than when I moved in, so I will get my $450 damage deposit back. Appointments are keeping me busy as well. I have an optometrist appointment today and a mammogram appointment next week in Edmonton. And I have all those pesky errands that need to be done. I’m grateful that I do have cleaning to do as it provides structure in my life. I am having my 5 and 9 year old granddaughters over for the weekend as my daughter is running a marathon out of town. Carole
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(((Carole))) I am glad that your mother has been discharged from hospital and that they have homecare organized for her for her meds. It will be easier for everyone when she is in a place with care all the time.
I am exhausted reading about all the cleaning your are doing with 7 rooms rented, and I know that I would be better doing something physical than sitting at a desk all day. You sound more content and settled which is wonderful. I am sure that your granddaughters are loving having you so close again.
I am sure that you are like me and enjoying the nicer sunnier days as it has been a long hard winter. Have a great gamble free day!!! -
I gambled three/four days ago and lost money of course. I have decided to cut up my debit card and use my credit card for everything. I have no cash advance on the card so no way to get cash. It seems I need more drastic measures to keep me from gambling. I feel like gambling is a reward for me because I do work hard on my property. I know that’s warped thinking! I had 4 of my granddaughters over this weekend for sleepovers. We gathered a lot of firewood for a campfire, planted grass in containers for the cats and their cat enclosure, went on a nature walk, poked a few ant hills, and the girls collected things they thought were interesting, and they made pictures with what they had collected. We had a campfire and made smores. My granddaughter called us ant bullies for disturbing their “home,” which was an interesting take on our action. No Ipads or TV for the granddaughters! The kids said they felt they were at summer camp! I was exhausted by the time the girls got picked up by their parents! Today is a holiday in Canada (Victoria Day) but I am at the renters’ house doing cleaning and laundry. Danny will be home either Wednesday evening or Thursday morning for a week. Carole
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Carole, I am sorry that you gambled. It is good that you cut up your debit card!!! I kind of understand where you are coming from when you say that gambling is a reward for you. Living now in a small town, there isn’t much to do. The casino is the big draw here. We need to keep busy and find hobbies to do. The weekend with your granddaughter’s sounded fun!!! Oh, I love smores!!! Take care.
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Funny how we think of gambling as a “reward” for our hard work! If anything it is a punishment. We work physical work just to give it to someone who owns a machine that takes so much more than our money! Our self esteem, our time, our mental health and peace of mind are a very high price to pay for an escape that frankly gives me chest pain.
Cutting up the card is a good start however nothing will stop us from gambling until we pull this weed out by the roots.
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Thank you (((Liz))), Bettie, and Charles for your thoughtful supportive posts. You are so right (((Liz))) that there isn’t much to do in a small town, other than go to Walmart and an occasional movie. The GA group fell apart, as so many do. I did cut up my debit card in 4 pieces which was hard for me to do. Imagine not having a debit card every day. What did you mean ((Bettie))) when you said we need to pull the roots out with this weed? What is it I need to do?? Carole
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Congratulations Carole on cutting up your debit card. It shows that you are doing all that you can to put those barriers in place. It sounds as if you are really busy with your work on the rental property. We are all different, however, for me I seem to do better with some structure in my life, even if I don’t always like what I have to do LOL
Your time with your Granddaughters sounded like so much fun. It is wonderful memories that you are creating for them. I hope that your mother is doing alright Carole, and please remember if I can do anything please let me know. Have a wonderful gamble free day!!! -
It is said in meetings that we don’t need to know why we gambled in order to recover from it. Personaly, for me, knowing why I gambled has turned out to be the key in my sobriety from it.
I “weed” my garden ( my head ) almost daily. I still think about gambling but I choose not to do it.
I know if I want my sanity I can not gamble-not even a little.
A work in progress-some days the work is easy and some-well-they just stink.
I know you mentioned in patient treatment was a possible option. Think about it.
Why not restart the GA group?
Most times when we help others we help ourselves.
Love you ((Carole))!!
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Dear (((Cat))) and (((Bettie)))! I really am missing something productive and fun in my life. I am searching my mind for something that isn’t currently being done in my community that I would enjoy doing. This probably doesn’t sound like much but I was thinking of fund raising to buy park benches for two people I knew. One of them was beaten to death by her boyfriend in their home, and the other was murdered by a friend’s boyfriend. Helen was lured to Ontario on the pretense of going there to help a friend who was recovering from surgery, and had her throat slashed with a box cutter. Additional monies raised could be donated to Victim Services, as a lot of their cases involve domestic violence. I am also interested in the needs of seniors. I don’t want to commit to structured volunteer work but I definitely need something to do. I am not interested in restarting the GA group as GA was never for me, as I found it boring, which maybe says more about me than the program. Carole
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Busy, busy, busy!! Housecleaning, organizing, trips to the dump, sorting through sheds on the property, and weeding. Did I mention that we have two new dogs, littermates, ages 8 years and 7 months, so they are senior dogs. They are mostly gold labs with great dane, and they were in dire need of a loving family. The three cats are best friends now. Now to get the cats and dogs to be friendly will take a few months. My Mother will be moving to a locked unit with 24/7 staffing as soon as the paperwork can be completed. I’ll probably drive down to Winnipeg justto make sure she gets m oved out of her suite and settled in. Carole
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Carole you are busy with all the renters you have and all the cleaning and housework to do because of that. Cleaning out sheds and taking stuff to the dump. Not to mention weeding. I don’t know where you get the energy to do all that. I find that I am okay with work as it is in an office, but when it comes to physical stuff I am so out of shape that I am exhausted in no time. I am making progress with the basement and my boxes. I looked at the flower beds at the front of the house and it exhausts me just thinking about getting it weeded. Maybe if you do come to town you could drop by and weed it for me LOL I hope that your mother gets a place soon as it will put your mind at rest to know that she is somewhere that there will be people around to make sure that if she falls or anything that she is in a safer environment. I chuckled when I read that you have two dogs. You really have such a soft heart when it comes to less fortunate animals. You are one remarkable lady!!!!
Post when you get time as I love to hear how you are doing. Have a wonderful gamble free day!!! -
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(((Carole))) thanks for letting me know about Ken. I truly believe to lose a child, no matter their age, for a parent is one of the most difficult things they will ever have to face. I can’t imagine what Ken and his family are going through right now.
You take care of yourself and take it one day at a time!!! -
Hi Carole, It was nice chatting today. I thought of Ken and his famiily all day. So sad!!! I don’t know they got through the funeral today!! I have a card ready to send tomorrow and in lieu of flowers, I will donate to the charity named in the obiturary. I have left you a personal message on FB. Take care!! Thank you for getting the information concerning Ken.
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(((Liz))) That is such a nice thing to do and I’m very sure it will bring Ken and his family a little comfort to know that we’re thinking of them and supporting them in their grief journey. As you know grief is a lonely journey at times, when your world has stopped and it seems like the rest of the world just goes on with theirs. The pain is excruciating and no one can walk through the grief process except the bereaved. Every morning I wake up and wish this is a just a bad dream and wish that Ken and his family weren’t going through this. Carole
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How are things going in your new life again back in the country with Danny.. i hope its going really well and think you should be proud of yourself on your decisions to leave and return it takes strength.. i am sure you discovered lots about yourself with your time away.. things for me are really bad right now.. really have never been worse.. mentally, emotionally, financially.. ugh.. just horrible but starting over today and returning to GA ..
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(((P))) I’m happy to see that you’re back with us on GT. Your last relapse sounds like it’s left you in a very stressful situation. But you’re still alive and your little family is still alive, so there is still hope. I know I should not be anxious and worried but my mother has been hospitalized for a third time yesterday as she fell. If the hospital deems her to medically stable, they will discharge her to where? She is not safe in her own home, and Homecare is talking about her being transferred to the first available nursing home bed. The paperwork for her going to assisted living is not yet complete. Everything is up in the air at this point, and I’m feeling really stressed. I may have to go to Winnipeg on short notice. I have 3 cats, 2 dogs, and 6 renters to clean for daily. My granddaughter does not have a vehicle to get to work from my house. I’m very tired as I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m chasing down 1 1/2 months rent from a company, which I shouldn’t have to do.
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Hi Carole, I’m sorry to hear about your Mother. Our trip can wait if needed so you can take care of business. I don’t know how it works were you live but in the states we have something called medical power of attorney. It gives the person named in the document the power to make decisions regarding the other person. My Mother has one for herself which names me as the person that can make decisions for her. I had one with my Husband. With all the falls you Mother has experienced, I hope the hospital doesn’t release her to go back home. She does need constant care. Don’t let this and all of your responsibilities at home stress you out too much!!! Remember to take care of yourself. I am thinking of you!!
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(((Liz)))! I made sure a couple of years ago that my mother had an Enduring Power of Attorney, a will drawn up, and I drew up an Advance Health Care Directive for her, so we are covered, thankfully. The application for her to move to assisted living is in the process and it just needs time to work itself through the system before my mother can move. I’m prepared to go live with her till she can move for her safety, even though I’d be sleeping on a mattress in the living room in a very small suite. The stress overcomes me at times when she is in crisis. I know that worrying does nothing but when it comes to her safety, I can’t seem to stop unless I’m actively engaged in something. One day at a time! Carole
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Thank you for your post to me.. i am always reading how everyone is doing just not so good at replying for a while.. things are getting better, learning to let go. I am glad you are helping your mum, helping her will actually help you too in your recovery.. all the best for your day Carole keep us updated and well done on not gambling
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Thanks (((Liz))) and (((P))) for your kind supportive posts. My brother and his wife are looking after the paperwork and appointments to get my mother moved to assisted living. They are moving stuff out of my mother’s suite that she will no longer require. My brother told me that he moved a car load of cleaning products out of her suite. My mother was a cleanaholic when we were kids, so that must have been somewhat traumatic for her to see her cleaning stuff leave. So far I haven’t had to travel to Winnipeg to stay with her. She said she was used to living alone. I was at the bank yesterday to get a manager to sign a life insurance cancellation paper, and they had me and my 5 year old granddaughter wait in the waiting room till the manager could see me. There was a man approximately 60 years old there, and he was on the phone with an online gambling site called Jokers Wild. He was asking them not to take the $800 he owed them out of his account till the end of the month, as he had a car payment due. I tried not to act like I was hearing this conversation and focused attention on my granddaughter. I have never online gambled for money, but I sure could relate to wheeling and dealing, making sure there was enough money in the bank to cover automatic withdrawals, cheques, etc. This horrible compulsion affects so many of us. I have realized very recently that I gambled due to loneliness. Even though the conversations were superficial, it was still being with people I recognized that shared this addiction to playing slots. I have also been thinking that I want to have fun and be silly, and have some drinks, and stop repressing who I am, as in the past that has gotten me in trouble with self-sabotaging. Carole
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Something “strange” has happened to me! I seem to have lost my taste to gamble. It happened when I realized how much loneliness has been a factor in me gambling. The VLT lounge was the equivalent of “Cheers” the neighbourhood pub, where everybody knew your name. Yes the relationships were superficial but they were better than nothing. I knew loneliness was a contributing factor in my head, but my heart now knows it too. Yesterday I told Danny how lonely I was, and he suggested I take some money out of the account and go gambling. I told him that I didn’t feel like it, and that gambling was not going to solve my loneliness, so why bother. And I didn’t gamble even with “permission.” Today I woke up and it’s a bright sunny day, and my first thought was to take my granddaughter to the beach. There are real things out there to do, instead of gambling. I’m a very slow learner it seems when it comes to recovery, but everyone’s recovery is different, and we all come to the table with different experiences growing up and how we react to them, as well as other issues. Carole
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Hi Carole
Some post make me smile and some posts really make me smile.. this is the later.
One line I want to pick up on ” I’m a very slow learner it seems when it comes to recovery” its not you being a slow learner its you listening, digesting and making sure you believe what your truly doing… in my opinion this is what makes a great recovery.
Thank you for making my day
H
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Dear (((Harry)))! Thank you for your kind encouraging post! Having said that I have lost my taste for gambling still means that I have to be on guard every day, as I could get thoughts and urges at any time. You are right that I have to believe in what I’m doing, and until I do, I’m not committed to doing whatever it is I’ve decided to do. I feel that I need to seize whatever life I have left, and try to enjoy it, to the best of my ability. Carole
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(((Carole))) WTG on not gambling. I understand what you mean about loneliness as I feel that way as well at times. I think sometimes for me it is not sharing with anyone how I really feel. I have a hubby and a few close friends, but it’s as if I don’t want to share my inner thoughts with them. My counsellor told me one time that it is difficult to admit to anyone that you are lonely. I don’t understand why we feel lonely at times. I think I am going to do some research on that and try to understand it. I also know that when I have those lonely feelings that I just want to hide away and be reclusive. Thanks for posting about it Carole as it shows there are others who feel the same way. I think that one of the reasons I fear retirement is that I will not have as much social interaction and that will be a big thing for me. I wonder if we are at the between age LOL Where we are getting older, but not yet old!!!
Please let me know if you have to come to see your mother as we could get together. I am still so very proud of you for what you did in donating your stem cells. You really amazed me, as here you are a person who does not like pain and you put yourself through all that for someone you don’t know. What an amazing person you are. Enjoy your granddaughters and the beach. -
Hi Carole, I think you are really on to something. I am glad you realized that the problem was a feeling of loneliness and that gambling was not the solution. It is ok not to want to feel lonely, and it is ok to want to feel good. We just can’t turn to gambling to turn those feelings around. We need to find other avenues that will help us with our feelings of loneliness or the fact that we want to have a good time. It is normal when we are feeling pain to want to seek pleasure. And for our CG minds that means seeking pleasure in one way. We need to begin seeking other possible alternatives and then train our minds to think of doing those activities to relieve our pain. Choosing the same thing that doesn’t work and only causes more pain isn’t the answer. But stopping gambling, and then not pursuing anything to replace it, isn’t smart either. It takes effort, but searching for the things that “float our boat” is an important part of recovery. I know what you mean about wanting to get silly, letting yourself just be you. I hope you have a great, silly, playful, delightful day at the beach with your granddaughter.
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Hi Carole, Looking back on when I was gambling, loneliness was a big trigger for me. But gambling only made me feel more lonely. I remember going to the same casino and seeing the same faces, not ever knowing their names. We would say hi to each other and ask how it was going, if you had hit any jackpots lately. I remember sometimes looking at people and no one looked happy. I wondered what other people’s stories were. How many were blowing their bill money or taking money off of their credit cards. All I know now is that I am so over all of that. Carole, find something that interests you. It does help to spend time with the Grandkids and find your inner child again. I am the happiest when I am with my Grandson. He makes me look at things differently. I think you are doing a great job in identifying your triggers and working on them. Keep up the good work!
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Thinking of you Carole and hoping everything worked out well for your mother?
Are you spending some holiday time with your grand children? The junior schools close in Ireland end of next week. I always loved that sense of freedom when my children were young. No nagging about homework or getting up in the mornings (not that they ever listened anyway!)
Life moves on fast Carole. I went to another “Retirement” do last night. All the ex work colleagues were there. Seems like another life now. Another one taking early retirement to get away from the stress and work overload. I’m glad I’m not in the thick of that now. I have NO reason to gamble anymore!!! ‘Hope you feel the same Carole!
ODAAT! -
Thank you (((Friends))) for your kind posts! A lot has been swirling around in my head since I last posted! I have come to a full realization that I’m lonely because I have set my life up to be lonely. It’s nobody’s fault but my own, and I OWN THAT! I realized that I will never have the same relationship with my 2 youngest granddaughters that I had with their almost 21 year old sister. Circumstances have changed and my daughter has a husband, and her children have really structured schedules with school, dance, soccer, gymnastics, family time, friends, etc. My oldest granddaughter lived with my daughter and I for 3 years when she was born and she was my only grandchild for 12 years. I was like a second mother to her. It was hard to let that go that I will never have the same relationship with the 2 youngest, and felt rejected that the girls didn’t want to spend all their time with me, as ridiculous as that sounds! It was freeing to come to that realization! So how to fix my lonely life. I went to Staples and bought myself a calligraphy set, and art supplies, even though I have zero talent for art. I am requesting to volunteer in the ER at our local hospital two weekends and then have a weekend off, to coincide with when Danny is away. I am going to speak to the ER manager this afternoon. I can answer the phone, stock carts, clean up rooms after patients leave, comfort people, and anything else that two hands can offer. I told my daughter I really don’t have any friends here, but then I corrected myself and told her I do have a couple of dear friends here, that I could call and we could pick up where we left off. I used to make plans and then “not feel like it, and then bail.” In my mind I solved that by not making any plans with anyone, so I wouldn’t have to bail when I didn’t feel like it. I would prefer to go gambling than to settle down and do anything with anyone.
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Hi Carole, It was good to see you post! I get lonely also, but I have gone to a luncheon hosted by my realtor and I have attended church a few times. I have a new neighbor and my Grandson and I met him last night while I was watering. He seems like a real nice person. I used to close myself off from everyone and never wanted to participate in anything but family stuff. Now, I am putting my self out there and I am willing to meet new people and be out of my comfort zone. I have heard that the bond you have with your first grandchild is special. I am finding that my grandson is real busy during the school year with extra activities and that as he gets older, my time with him will lessen. That will be a hard one for me. I would love to turn my extra bedroom into a craft room but I am not very talented when it comes to stuff like that. LOL!!! Volunteering at the ER would be a fulfilling job to do. I could see you doing that. You have a lot to offer. Take care.
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(((Liz))) I could see you volunteering at the closest hospital. Why not do a beginner quilt at a quilt store. They showed me everything as I didn’t even know how to thread a sewing machine, and they showed me how to sew a straight line. I’m almost done cleaning the renters’ house. Mondays are always a big clean as I take the weekends off. Carole
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Carole, I could see myself volunteering at the hospital here. This small town has a lot of places to volunteer. I would love to make a quilt. After the summer is over and things settle down. With having my Grandson and looking for and buying a house, my plate is full right now. I know there is a lot out there for me. Take care.
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Hi Lizbeth
I hope you have a fun time this holidays with your grandson, i am going to be doing things like that with my little family.. we are going to the movies to see transformers, we love that series.
It is winter for me but not like the winter you all feel i guess.. mild winter but cold for me.. i am sitting having my coffee and my cat is sitting blinking at me.. i just love her.
You are doing great in recovery LizbethP
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(((Carole))) It would be so awesome to be able to get together and have a good chin wag or blether as I call it . I know you have my number so we will touch base and set-up a date and time. The last time I saw you was when I was dropping you off after your very generous stem cell donation – you amazing brave person that you are!!!
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My apologies i posted to lizbeth on your thread.. hi liz ??
oops… must have seen the post above it and thought it was hers..
Carole wow, you are doing so much again, getting into all these things.. there is always something you are doing.. thats great that you want to do volunteer things and you are trying new things and finding your creative side.. why not. Sure beats sitting there feeding dollars into a machine.. there is a lot to try in life isnt there. Everyone is different so finding different things for us all is just like an adventure really.. i hope you really find enjoyment in the the things you choose. If not try something else. It amazes me the different things and projects that go on in your life.. my mind is in a whir just reading about them sometimes.. well done.P
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Thank you (((Friends))) for your kind supportive posts. I did something yesterday that some of you aren’t going to agree with me. I had a renter at my house that was/is the husband of a friend. When he moved in, I was told that he needed a quiet place to write poetry and maybe a book, even though he is an amateur writer and has never had anything published. He was depressed and wanted to quiet his mind and pursue his writing dream. I charged him nominal rent as I felt bad for where he was at emotionally. Since he has moved in, he has been developing online relationships with other women, and has bought a plane ticket to the US to go meet a woman he has been communicating with online. I know all this as other renters have told me. His wife would phone me upset saying she didn’t understand what was going on with her husband and when he would be returning home to her. I debated for about 10 days whether to tell her about what was going on with her husband. It became clear to me yesterday morning that as a friend I should tell her, as I would want a friend to tell me if my husband were behaving in this manner. I wanted him to know that she now knew before he flew off to meet this other woman. He came to my house furious and accused me of destroying the trust he had built up with his wife for the past 25 years. He said that he had been trying to get out of his marriage for the past 6 months by letting her down gently. The only person who didn’t know he didn’t want to be married unfortunately was his wife, as he was stringing her along telling her that everything would be fine in time in their marriage. My friend spent the night at my place as he returned to the family home and she felt uncomfortable being there with him. She is talking about moving to Edmonton and I told her to take some time and not make decisions in the heat of the moment. I told her as I felt she needed to know the truth and I wouldn’t consider myself much of a friend had I not told her. I wouldn’t consider a friend of mine much of a friend if they had this kind of information, and didn’t tell me. I felt like gambling yesterday, but stayed home until the bank was closed and I don’t have a debit card so no access to cash. Carole
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Thank you (((Friends))) for your kind supportive posts. I did something yesterday that some of you aren’t going to agree with me. I had a renter at my house that was/is the husband of a friend. When he moved in, I was told that he needed a quiet place to write poetry and maybe a book, even though he is an amateur writer and has never had anything published. He was depressed and wanted to quiet his mind and pursue his writing dream. I charged him nominal rent as I felt bad for where he was at emotionally. Since he has moved in, he has been developing online relationships with other women, and has bought a plane ticket to the US to go meet a woman he has been communicating with online. I know all this as other renters have told me. His wife would phone me upset saying she didn’t understand what was going on with her husband and when he would be returning home to her. I debated for about 10 days whether to tell her about what was going on with her husband. It became clear to me yesterday morning that as a friend I should tell her, as I would want a friend to tell me if my husband were behaving in this manner. I wanted him to know that she now knew before he flew off to meet this other woman. He came to my house furious and accused me of destroying the trust he had built up with his wife for the past 25 years. He said that he had been trying to get out of his marriage for the past 6 months by letting her down gently. The only person who didn’t know he didn’t want to be married unfortunately was his wife, as he was stringing her along telling her that everything would be fine in time in their marriage. My friend spent the night at my place as he returned to the family home and she felt uncomfortable being there with him. She is talking about moving to Edmonton and I told her to take some time and not make decisions in the heat of the moment. I told her as I felt she needed to know the truth and I wouldn’t consider myself much of a friend had I not told her. I wouldn’t consider a friend of mine much of a friend if they had this kind of information, and didn’t tell me. I felt like gambling yesterday, but stayed home until the bank was closed and I don’t have a debit card so no access to cash. Carole
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Hi Carole
It doesn’t matter what other poeple think you made the choice you felt was right at the time and really i would be the same.. if a friend was being cheated on i would be so full of guilt if i didnt tell them.. even if it meant losing their friendship i would rather tell the truth in that situation because i would hate that to be the last one to knowP
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Having been the wife of a man who was cheating on me I was very offended when I found out that certain “friends” knew and said nothing. It felt like they took some sick pleasure telling me oh yea I knew about him and so and so long after I found out. Really? Where was that info when I needed it? Needless to say I lost a few friends who really were not my friends at all.
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Carole you were in a no win situation, as your friend was not being treated properly by her husband and you knew what he was doing. Therefore, do you ignore it and not be her friend and eventually when he leaves her think you should have told her. Her husband was annoyed at you because he had already left the marriage, and to say that you had done anything to ruin the trust his wife of 25 years had. I think he needs to look in the mirror and see who it is that has ruined her trust. How would your friend have felt if she found out later that you knew about her husband and his carrying on and you did not tell her. I can see why you would want to go gambling after this drama, but so proud of you for not gambling. Looking forward to your call to go for breakfast, lunch or supper whatever works for you!!! One day at a time, that is all we have to focus on.
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Thank you (((Cat))) (((Bettie))) and last but not least (((P))) for your kind supportive words. I know I did the right thing but it sucks to have hurt my friend. The good part about it is that she is now in the driver’s seat with him, instead of running after the car, trying to figure out where his head is at. She wants to believe his lies as he does damage control. He’s texting me, phoning me, and left me a note saying he could sue me for breach of trust. I don’t respond to anything he says other than I’m not going to discuss this with you when he shows up at my place. I really don’t like drama even though I’m a cg. I try and live my life one day at a time, and just know what I’m going to do for that day. I wish he would sue me, because the truth is the truth. (((Bettie))) The right thing to do is to clean that rental unit as you or Jenn don’t need a lawsuit about money owing. You have enough stressors in your life right now and the landlord is a d**k, so why engage him anymore in your life. (((Cat))) I will call you when I’m in your town. My brother phoned me yesterday to say we would be moving my Mom to her new place, when I was in town. We will also have to clean the suite she is vacating. I hadn’t expected that and that will take some of the short time we have (Thursday afternoon and leaving Sunday at a very early hour.) We will have to be at the airport at 4:00 am. I’m an insomniac so that should be interesting. (((P))) It sounds like you have recovered emotionally from your last gambling binge. Financially always takes the longest. We had the longest winter in history and now it rains almost every day even though it is our “summer.” I’m looking forward to having a break from where I live and getting away for a few days to visit my Mom and other family. She isn’t going to be around forever. It will be interesting for Danny to have to keep up with all the hair the dogs shed (golden labs) as well as keeping up with the litter boxes and the cats puking up hair balls, etc. I’m just glad to get away from that!!! Carole
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Carole, If you feel like it was the right thing to tell your friend of her husband’s escapades then it was the right thing to do. It seems like she would have been the last one to know. He is scum and the sooner she know the better so she can move on with her life. It is good to hear that your Mom will be moving to her new place soon. It’s always good to get away from our lives even if it is only for a few days. Take care.
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Thanks (((Liz))) for your kind post! It’s good to hear that you are encouraging your grandson to live a healthier lifestyle, by engaging him in physical activities like swimming and walking. I have been feeling stressed out since I informed my friend that her husband was lying to her. Plus the trip to Winnipeg always stresses me out, as that’s where I grew up and was abused by my father the pedophile. He lives in Winnipeg. I’m looking forward to getting away and stressed at the same time. I was feeling like gambling on Friday so I stayed home and didn’t go to the bank, which means I have no available cash to gamble with, thankfully! Lots of free time but no money!! LOL! I had several symptoms of a heart attack last night, but chalked it up to stress, which it was. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed, not caring if I woke up or not. The only thing that worried me about not waking up was that my place was unkept. Dishes, laundry, and pet hair everywhere. So today I will address some of these chores! Carole
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((((Carole))))
I feel for you now about that issue with your friend and her wayward husband! It is not easy to do the right thing in a situation you describe , which I think you did i. e tell her what everybody else most likely knows anyway (the wife is always the last to know)! Having to face him and listen to his threats can’t be easy! Every bully is a coward though, so I guess he will back off fast if you “square up” to him!
Glad your mom is being looked after but of course it is a big stress factor for you, especially if it brings back memories of your father. …….Talking about memories, I had my son’s G/F here at the weekend . She opened up a lot about her (private) situation. You know the story! All I could do was listen and say “none of us can change the past”……..My God, what memories!!!! My youngest son turned up too as it was their father’s birthday. Luckily some other family members came too (ten in all) otherwise I would have had to RUN to the nearest casino to escape from the bully boy! His visit was pre- announced with a very loud , aggressive phone call. I knew this was heading for yet another spoiled event. Spoiled brats try to spoil everyone’s lives! His mood switched however, when he saw there were more people here than he expected but I did get a fair lash of his tongue the next day. The girl in question had tears in her eyes. She said her dad always treated his mother in that aggressive and abusive manner and went on to treat her mum the same way………I dropped them all back to the city yesterday pm and I was very nearly spoiling my G free June, but I had barriers up so thank God I made it home “intact”! Tomorrow is the 30th. We are going to the UK on holidays on Tuesday so every minute between now and then will be accounted for between clearing up here , looking for clothes to pack, passports etc and I have a few business chores to do tomorrow too, so I think I can safely say, June has been a G free month. The last day I gambled was May 27th. My son was home that day. Co incidence? He sent me a text after midnight last night saying he needs help with his anger and he wises he could be more helpful and respectful to his parents!!! I gave him a few pointers . No word since! Time will tell. I pray every day that he will come back to the right road! Miracles DO happen!
Well done on resisting the urge to gamble, Carole. Gambling will make matters even more complicated as you well know! -
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Thanks (((P))) and (((Vera))) for your kind posts to me. I am trying to lessen my stress by changing what I can. I did up the dishes and am in the process of laundering clothes. I still have to do a good vaccumm as there is dog hair everywhere. I can never stay on top of it, as they get hair all over the curtains as they look out the window. I could knit a small dog a sweater every 2 days with the amount of hair these dogs shed. I called my credit card company to inquire what my balance was for the month of June. I almost fell over as for one month it is $3,579.23. In my defense, $1,300 of it I spent on 2 tops, a pair of pjs, and 4 fancy bras and underwear. I use my credit card for everything as I no longer have a debit card, as I cut it up. Thankfully we have the money to pay for the charges and I paid it online today, which makes my stress less. Now if I could just get my desk organized and clutter free, I would feel like I accomplished something. (((Vera))) How nice that you and your husband are going to the UK for a trip. Have you ever considered that your son may have mental health issues, and needs more help than you can give him? Way to go on a gamble free month!! Carole
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(((Carole))) I know you are going to be busy when you are here, but I hope we have time to get together for an hour and coffee at the least. I understand though if you don’t have time. I would love to see you though. You really are doing awesome. I feel as if I need to get away for a break as well, but we will not be going anywhere for the next few months. Take care and have a great gamble free day!!!!
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(((Cat))) We are moving my mother on Friday and then going out for a big family supper after that. Saturday around 4 or 5 we are going to my aunt’s place for a quick supper, as she tires easily. We can either get together Saturday daytime or evening after we leave my aunt’s. Is that convenient? We leave to fly back to Edmonton on Sunday and have to be at the airport at 4:30 am, which is a totally ridiculous time. I have to clean my house and the renters’ house today, and pack. Danny arrives home at about 11:00 pm tonight. I am having a colonoscopy on July 11th, and I bought the stuff I have to drink and it’s 4 litres of chalky stuff. I can only have clear fluids the whole day before, which will be traumatizing to my body as it loves to eat. I will have to get an IV which I’m dreading, but I tell myself I’ve birthed 2 children plus I did my donation, so I should be able to handle the colonoscopy. On that note, I’m looking forward to seeing you! Carole
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(((Cat))) Brunch/lunch on Saturday sounds great. Can you pick a place and time, and I will phone you and confirm the details with you. My daughter and granddaughters can either swim at the hotel or go shopping at the mall close to our hotel. I worked like a dog today, cleaning two houses plus doing laundry. Disinfected and refilled litter boxes, windexed some windows and glass mirrored doors, laundered bedding and curtains, and ran some errands this evening. I cleaned 4 bathrooms today, vacummed and mopped floors. It was almost 30 degrees today and sweat poured off my face for the 6.5 hours I scrubbed. I’m too old for this but didn’t want Danny complaining about anything when he gets home soon. I told him I was exhausted and to please not come home and fight with me. He said it took two people to fight. I told him he could fight with a raccoon, and he assured me he would if there was one. I have to be up at 6:30 am tomorrow morning. Looking forward to seeing you! Carole
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I so enjoyed our visit, it was great to see you and meet your daughter and adorable granddaughters. I just wish you lived closer as then we could get together and chit chat and support each other. I really appreciated being able to talk to you and share with you how I was feeling. I am glad that you have your mother all moved into her new place, and at least you know she has 24/7 care. I spent the rest of the weekend working on the basement, with hubby, who got over me telling him where to go!!!! It is a long, slow job especially when you get older. We now have the bath, sink and toilet all working, but no door into it LOL Have a wonderful gamble free day!!!!
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Thank you (((Cat))) (((Kathryn))) (((Bettie))) and (((Liz))) for your kind posts. I have to say that the only part of the trip to Winnipeg that I enjoyed was my visit with (((Cat))). My mother, brother, and aunt are all negative people, and my brother treated his separated wife verbally and emotionally abusive. My first husband was there helping my mother move and he told my brother that he was an a**h***, the way he treated Rachelle. He is going to speak to him again about his behavior towards her. My jaw dropped at times the way he treated her, but I didn’t want to say anything in front of the others that were there. My daughter was very upset with his behavior as well. We did get my mother moved and I helped for 2 days to clean and get her settled. I’m glad that’s over! I’ve done my daughterly duty to get her settled, and all she could say was that she has never felt poorer in her life. She didn’t get to move her kitchen stuff like dishes, pots and pans, etc as she has no kitchen in her new place. They have a communal dining room with all of their meals prepared. I told her you don’t measure wealth with the amount of stuff you have. She had so much help and support moving her and yet she focused on her stuff she didn’t get to move. I know several of you can relate to my comments of what my mother is like. They aren’t going to change. I’m just happy that trip is over! I’m happy that (((Cat))) you got to meet my daughter and little granddaughters. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am glad that neither one of us gambled!!! It’s good that you and Cat were able to spend some time together. It is hard being around negative people, especially family member, but you were there for a reason and even if your Mother isn’t appreciative, you helped her and did what you felt was right. I know, it is hard sometimes but I think it shows what a good person you are. Some people always focus on the negatives and can’t be positive. How very sad that is!! Your Granddaughter’s are adorable!!! The youngest one looks a lot like you. I am hoping to get back to my life and plans soon. House hunting starts this Saturday. I touched base with my Realtor today and it’s a go!!! It will be good for my Daughter and Grandson and a good investment for me also. I just wish it wasn’t so darn hot here!!! LOL!!! Looking forward to our trip in September. Hopefully, she will be moved by then. Take care. Talk soon.
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Thanks (((Liz))) for your kind post. My mother did thank me yesterday on the phone for helping with the move, and she’s still laughing abut my 5 year old granddaughter’s comment that she did almost everything moving my mother. I received a phone call from the hospital saying that I had to interview for the volunteer position of working in ER plus fill in an application, which is standard operating procedure, I’m told. I already dropped off my resume, CPR/First Aid certificate, RSW practice permit, and criminal record check. I have no problem with that so I will do that. I had hoped to start volunteering right away, but it’s going to take a little time. Still waiting to hear how the stem cell recipient is doing even though it’s been 4 months now. The recipient has to give her consent for the status report, but I can’t imagine someone not doing so. How am I feeling about recovery? It seems that on some level I have more control over my addiction, if that makes sense. I can make a decision without the addiction making it for me. I still have to be careful every time I go to town when I’m bored, feel the need for a bit of risk, and have too much time on my hands and nothing to do. That is why I decided to volunteer at the ER, as I feel that I may get a bit of an adrenaline rush at times there, filling my need for a bit of risk in my life. Plus it gives me something to do on the weekends, and it contributes to helping out the nurses, and some patients. I am looking forward to going to New Orleans in September with Liz. Carole
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I would normally be sitting here enjoying coffee, but instead I’m drinking 2 litres of colonoscopy prep. Yesterday evening I had to drink 2 litres of the drink from hell. It tastes like a nasty solution with gasoline thrown in for good measure. By the time I have this procedure done later this morning I’ll have not eaten for 36 hours. I’m not the least bit worried about the actual procedure. Incidently, Danny went and got himself some burgers when I was getting a haircut. He then baked himself a pizza and ate while I was gagging trying to get this prep solution down yesterday. He then followed this up with a big bowl of ice cream. He’s gone golfing this morning and I told him if he wasn’t here at 10:30 sharp, I was driving myself and would take a cab home from the next town. I told him he better not hope he needs me for anything medical in the future. Carole
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‘Hope the colonoscopy goes well Carole! The “fleet” medication and the pre test fast is the worst part. My sister had that test today. She is home now but still groggy!
I am ASTOUNDED at Danny’s lack of concern and support!
What happened to “in sickness and in health “part of his marriage vow?
What I feel like saying would not be printable.
I hope some concerned family member collects you after the procedure and shows you a lot of TLC when you get home.
No question of you driving yourself.(On a lighter note, wouldn’t that ex prep be a great barrier to keep a CG out of the casinos?)
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Hi Carole, I was just thinking of you and wondering how you are. Please post when you have the time. I don’t think that I am going to be able to go on a trip in September. We just received a acceptance on a home. Now we are going to have inspections, ect.. plus the packing and moving. I know, I could leave that to my Daughter but I want to be part of the process with her and my Grandson. Nothing is better than seeing the smiles on their faces. Take care.
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Thank you to all of my (((friends))) for your posts on my thread> I managed to drink the 4 litres of polyethelene glycol before the colonoscopy. Isn’t ethelene glycol antifreeze??? I had 2 small polps removed and 2 biopsies. I woke up before they were finished the procedure, thinking I was asleep in my own bed. I said I was tired and wanted to sleep some more. I have stopped being astounded by Danny’s lack of concern for me. It’s just Danny’s usual behavior- all about him! (((Liz))) I must say I was surprised to read that you won’t be able to go on our trip. I’m disappointed but I am going to plan a trip for myself anyways!! I hope that your grandson and daughter enjoy their new house. Carole
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Good to see you post!! I’m glad that you had the test and had the polps removed. No it isn’t antifreeze or you wouldn’t have woken up!!! Oh, that stuff is so nasty to drink. I am sure that you are glad that it is over. Yeah, plan a trip for you!!! I am just going to be so busy and I have some things to tend to in my own home. We will get together!!!! Take care.
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It was not a mistake moving back to the acreage, as I did not have a job, had anxiety at job interviews, and I was not at a good place emotionally. What was a mistake was thinking that Danny would treat me kinder. It’s stressful when he is home as he does not treat me as an equal partner. He says I don’t have a source of income even though I clean the renters’ house. I would like to leave but I would need to do things differently, such as have a job before I leave, have our property on the market so that I wouldn’t be under Danny’s control because I was financially dependent on him. I purchased a new vehicle about 6 weeks ago and now have a $670 a month payment for the next 5 years, so I am in a weaker position financially. We also have a trip to Mexico planned in early January with my daughter and son-in-law and the 3 grandgirls. The airfare has been paid for already and if I weren’t to go, my daughter and her family wouldn’t go without me. It seems to me that I need to bide my time, and make preparations so that I don’t repeat the same situation I was in when I left last year. It’s tough getting a job when I’m 59 years old and have anxiety when I interview. Carole
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Hi Carole, I have seen your home (very lovely) and there is a lot of space to clean. It is a full time job!!!! Please don’t let Danny treat you less than equal to him. You have a lot of responsibility in running both homes, your rental and your home. You do alot!!! I thought that maybe Danny learned his lesson when you left for awhile. I agree with you. You should get all your ducks in a row before you leave again. I know what you are saying regarding Danny financial control but you are bringing in money with the renters and are in charge of the home. It’s hard finding a job when you are older. I know there is a lot of age discrimination out there for people are age. Really sad as we have a lot to offer!! Hang in there and don’t lose yourself. Remember that you deserve someone who cherishes you!!!!! Take care, friend.
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Thank you (((Vera))) and (((Liz))) for your kind posts. They mean a lot to me. I haven’t been posting as I have been in a bad place emotionally and have gambled three times in the past week. I feel like a mouse and Danny being the cat. I am caring for my 9 and 5 year old granddaughters, and their dog, for a week as their parents have gone on a holiday, just the 2 of them. I’m going to have to manage their care one day at a time, as a week seems overwhelming. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. Please don’t let Danny make you feel any less than you are. I know you to be a awesome person and a truly cherished friend. I know that I was totally wiped out after almost 3 weeks taking care of my Grandson. Although, I did have his Dad’s help 2 weekends during that time. Taking it day by day is great as it isn’t so overwhelming. I wish I was there to make you laugh and be silly with you. Just remember, I am thinking of you. Take care.
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Sorry to hear things are hard for you right now.. in a way its good you are minding the grandkids as then you will be restricted on your gambling.. i know its so hard when those urges come.. I dont know what advice to give as when i do give advice i feel like I’m a total hypocrite, as its ok when I’m not gambling but we all know how often i relapse so kind of makes no sense to me to be telling others.. all i can say that does help me at times is delaying the urges, just for the next hour dont gamble.. put it off.. the machines are always there they are not going anywhere..
P
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Caring for two grandchildren for a week can’t be easy Carole! Why not let them pretend they are in charge and looking after grandma! Get them to do the cooking , wash up etc! I used to try that trick with my children but they were a bit older than 5 and 9! They saw through my game fairly quickly though! Subsequently, or even consequently, they all abandoned me!!!!!!
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Thank you to my (((Friends))) for your kind posts, and they are appreciated. I finished my grandmother babysitting gig, and handled it well, other than one evening when the 5 year old was getting on my last nerve. I explained to her that Granny was very close to getting angry, and that she had to behave and not ask me something every few minutes. I tucked her into bed and kissed her forehead and told her things would be better tomorrow after I had slept. Not gambling has been going better and I haven’t gambled for awhile now. I spent the day running errands and buying school supplies for 2 boys from a single Mom family. I am also buying stuff for the 6 shoeboxes I do every year for Samaritan’s purse. I buy crayons, pencil crayons, markers, etc, and I buy them when the stores have them on sale as loss leaders. That way I can put together good quality boxes of things kids would like for Christmas in underdeveloped countries. Spending money to help others feels better than gambling it away. Carole
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Nice that you are doing up those boxes, what a great idea.. you are a very giving person.. Sorry to read that you gambled recently but you seem to be getting back on track this week so that is great.. gambling is the worrying part.. when we slip and relapse… its a sign of the addiction being pretty alive.. i am glad that you came straight back.. I’ve never been able to do that so i have to really really watch it now.. sucks my entire life away for long periods.. what happened to the GA group you went to? Can you go back there now? Glad you have had the time with the grandkids and hopefully you can do something nice for you today too.. just for you.
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Thank you (((P))) for your kind post to me. I went out to Boston Pizza with a friend whose husband is involved with another woman he met online. He has told her that in 2 years he is moving to Idaho to go to school and to be with this woman. He rents a room somewhere else, but feels free to drop in to the duplex they lived in together on a daily basis, and talk to her about his relationship with this other woman. She can’t limit his visits as he is still supporting her financially. The restaurant was busy and the only table available was the one by the bank of vlts. She sat down first and I had to sit facing the machines. The pull towards those machines was intense, but what stopped me was my conviction that I would NEVER introduce anyone to gambling, like I was introduced. The potential of a person in a bad emotional place getting addicted is huge, in my opinion. She was feeling tearful and wasn’t eating so I asked her if she wanted to get her meal boxed up and to leave, and she said she did, so that’s what we did. I then went to the renters’ house as a storm was approaching and had some drinks with one of the renters and watched the storm from the verenda. We had lots of laughs recounting past experiences and I woke up today with a headache/hangover. Carole
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Hey Carole
Thats wonderful you didnt gamble. Especially being in such close proximity. I know what you mean. I will never introduce anyone to gambling either ever. No matter what. How could i introduce someone to hell on earth. Wow that would make me feel guilty for the rest of my life i think. I think its different for when i was introduced to it. I am sure that person in their head didnt think she is going to get addicted however i know better.. i know what this addiction does and it seems you do too Carole. Well done on thinking of someone else’s life ahead of your own addiction, that can often be a tricky one especially being faced with machines. Wow… For me i wouldn’t gamble then either i was always a lone gambler most of the time, its when i went on my own that was the problem.. i guess maybe try to stay away from places that have those machines so the temptation is no where near you. Even getting the sight and sounds of them can be problematic later on as it stays in the memory. Well done again. You got through, you didnt gamble and you are here posting about eating pizza instead.. way to go.
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Hi Carole, I agree with you as I wouldn’t introduce someone to gambling either. It is so easy to get hook especially when you are in a very vulnerable, emotional state. That is sad that your friend has to put up with a loser of a husband as he supports her financially. Something must be wrong with this man to keep rubbing it into her face and telling her his plans to be with the other woman. I am glad that you had the will power not to gamble. It is so hard sometimes to not give in!!
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I’m sitting here having my morning coffee and cigarettes of course, at the renters house, while I have bedding in the washer. I’m trying to wake up and then I have cleaning to do here. I’m feeling anxious and somewhat agitated. A casual friend of mine who I spent time with yesterday told me that she didn’t work yesterday at the hotel where she works in the laundry area. She said that the hotel has been shut down as they have bed bugs. They didn’t tell the guests why they couldn’t continue staying there, only asked them to leave. Some of those guests will go to other hotels here, and if they are carrying bed bugs, will pass those bed bugs onto other hotel rooms. Now I’m paranoid that some of these people will call me as I have vacant rooms. I’m going to ask people where they were staying before as I can’t take any hotel people in case they would bring bed bugs to my place. That would totally destroy my business. One thing that has been bothering me a lot lately is the death of one of my long-time renters’ 21 year old daughter this weekend. He works with another one of my renters, so I get information from the other renter. The information I have is that some unknown person dropped her off at a hospital in British Columbia. Her heart stopped three times and she was put on life support and after Darcy and his family got there, she suffered another heart attack and died. The family will take her home to Swift Current for the memorial/funeral service. If you’re a long-term renter here, you become part of our extended family, and it ceases to be just a business transaction. I have been thinking that I may want to go to the funeral and give Darcy a hug, just to show him once again that I do care. The family have no information as to whether it was a murder, drug overdose, or anything else. Whoever dropped her off didn’t seem to want to get involved. They have surveillance of that, and the police are investigating and of course there will be an autopsy with toxicology tests. I really feel for this family! I am babysitting my 2 granddaughters starting Friday noon till Sunday. My daughter and her husband are going on a mud bog obstacle run. They went last year and had a lot of fun. Carole
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Hi Carole, I would be concerned about the bed bugs also. Remember you showed me how to look for them in hotels? I do that now everywhere I go!! There was a guy that lived in the condo’s where I used to live but another building. He had bed bugs and the exterminator used heat to kill them. But he had to trash most of his furniture, mattresses, couches, ect… When someone bought that unit, they had all the drywall torn out and replaced. What a mess and so costly!! That is horrid that the hotel isn’t telling their customers what is going on so other places aren’t infested. I am so sorry to hear of the death of your tenant’s daughter. How devastating for her family. She was so young!! Something is fishy as she was dropped off at the hospital and took off. So sad!! Have fun with your Granddaughter’s!
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Thank you Liz for your kind post! I do read everyone’s posts but have not been posting much myself. I had trouble sleeping last night. Insomnia has been my companion for several decades now. Thankfully I don’t have to get up at any specific hour in the mornings. I’m going out for lunch with my daughter and granddaughters today, and having a pizza and ice cream cake party tonight as the renters’ house as it is one of the guys’ birthdays, and mine as well. Danny is out of town. I never leave my birthday planning to someone else as that way I can’t complain that no one did anything for my birthday. On the recover front, I call it my “stride.” When I’m not gambling, it keeps bad feelings about gambling away. When I gamble it affects my stride, my ability to think more positively and not be ticked off that I blew a bunch of money, and didn’t hardly get to play for my money. Gaming is ruthless; they seem to need a large amount of revenue and they don’t care if you get to play even if you’re putting in large amounts of money. Gambling is stressful for me! Something I like to try and avoid. I find that I want to gamble when I am stressed out emotionally. That is my biggest trigger! Carole
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Thank you (((Liz))) (((Velvet))) (((Charles))) and (((Bettie))) for your birthday wishes! I will never forget the birthdays I have had with you Bettie and Liz! I had a really good birthday day and felt the love from so many people. I have been keeping busy with cleaning, weeding, getting ready for a garage sale, looking after granddaughters so my daughter and her husband could go on a mudrun/obstacle course last weekend. The girls fought constantly so it was stressful for me and exhausting. In the past two weeks I had my granddaughters for 7 days, which for me, is too much. Danny will be coming home for 6 days tomorrow night. That can be stressful as well, but like everything else, I take it a day at a time. Evenings I watch TV, but I do try and get out almost every day to go for lunch or supper with a friend, just so that every day doesn’t seem the same. I had a friend come help me weed yesterday, but I noticed that she was just pulling out the weeds, without the roots. I decided not to say anything as she can see me with my trowel digging for roots. I wondered why she covered so much more ground than I did. Soon I won’t be having to worry about weeding, with fall approaching! Carole
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Hi Carole, Thank you for your post. I am glad that you had a good birthday. I will never forget the birthday that I spent with you!! I am ready for the house deal to close soon and for my Daughter and Grandson to get moved in to the new home so I can resume my life!!! I am glad that you are getting out with friends for lunches and suppers as I found that it is not good just to sit home. Then everyday seems like the last and they just run into each other. It sounds like you have been busy with the Grandkids! I haven’t had much time to work in my yard. LOL!!! It’s been raining her a lot and the weeds are popping up. I keep spraying them with killer!! Yes, to tell the truth, I am looking forward to winter as this town becomes quiet as no one travels through it to go camping. Hopefully, I will get MY LIFE back soon as there are many things I would like to do. Take care of yourself.
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Thank you (((Liz))) and (((P))) for your kind posts! I had strong urges to gamble yesterday when I was in town having lunch with a friend. I thought of going after I dropped my friend off at her house. I knew that I was putting off some cleaning and gambling would have allowed me to avoid the work temporarily. I told myself to go home and get the cleaning done, and then if I still wanted to gamble, I could go back to town. After I did the cleaning, I still had urges but not as strong, so I told myself that I was home, safe and sound, and that if I gambled that I would likely lose money, and it wouldn’t be a good way to start Danny’s days off, with a possible fight. Long and short of it, I didn’t gamble. I have a renter at my house who is an alcoholic. He can’t wait to get home and start drinking after work. We have developed a pretty close friendship, and I debated whether or not to talk to him about his drinking. We were chatting about other things and then I asked him whether he had ever considered stopping to drink. He said he had been thinking about it lately, as his nephew had sent him a birthday wish calling him drunk uncle Kyle. I said that I wasn’t saying he was an alcoholic, and he said I am an alcoholic. I shared with him some of my feelings and thoughts of before I got into recovery, and how ill I was emotionally. I told him I wasn’t judging him, but because I cared about him as a person, I had decided to talk to him. I don’t know if any of it will make a difference in his drinking, but I’m happy that I did talk to him, even if our friendship changes, for the negative. I tell myself it’s not any of my business, I shouldn’t get involved, etc, but it is our business to share if we have a relationship with them, and are concerned about them. That’s my opinion anyways!! Carole
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Not a bad discussion at all Carole.
I could just as easily be an alcholic, drug addict,etc I just happened to find Gambling as my escape.
Addiction is addiction when it comes down to it.
The 12 steps are universal for all addictions.
My niece has been attending AA meetings as that was part of what they did at the treatment center that she last attended. She likes going and says she gets something out of it.
Whatever it takes.
bettie -
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I was sitting in a restaurant with my granddaughter and perusing the Edmonton Sun when I came across an ad seeking compulsive gamblers for a research study at the University of Calgary. I called the number when I got home, and they interviewed me over the phone. One of the interview questions was to go back over the past 2 months and identify the dates gambled and the dollar amounts. I asked her to phone me back and I went online to my bank account, so that I could give her precise information. I used to gamble almost every day and consider myself to be in recovery as I only occasionally gamble. When I totaled up the amount of money I had gambled away, I was shocked. Most days of the past 2 months I didn’t gamble, but to my amazement and shock, the amounts that I had lost were staggering. I said to the lady that it was a real eye opener for me, as I considered myself to be in recovery, yet I was still losing large amounts of money. That was a wake up call for me. I could go on a vacation every month with the amounts I have been losing. The study is a year long, and focuses on changing attitudes, so any help is welcome. The three main reasons I identified were loneliness, escape, and social interaction. Any fool knows that cgs only say hello to fellow cgs and might ask how the person is, but that we are there to gamble, period! Escape doesn’t hold up to any examination either, as all gambling causes are more problems, certainly not an escape. I can’t believe how I have been deluding myself that I was doing so much better because I wasn’t gambling most days. I’m happy that my eyes have been opened to this. On another topic, I was on the phone with a new renter who was having trouble finding my house, and all of a sudden a helicopter landed in my yard, and Danny is telling me come on, before the helicopter leaves, and he has his camera bag slug over his shoulder. I was totally confused as to what was happening, so I went outside and there was a helicopter waiting to take me/us for a ride. it was a belated birthday present for me as Danny had been out of town on my birthday. I was confused, shocked, and hyper excited. I have never been more surprised in my life, and people that know me know that you have to get up real early in the morning to surprise me. Danny had cut the grass in what I thought was geometrical patterns, and I thought Danny was just being Danny. In actuality it was a big H that the grass had been cut in. I never saw the H until it was pointed out to me. It was so the helicopter could know where to land in my yard. I didn’t sleep a wink last night because I had been so hyped up. I have 7 renters in my house right now so that adds up to a lot of cleaning daily!! My daughter and I are having our garage sale this coming weekend and I’ll be glad when that’s over. Danny leaves to go back to work tomorrow for 2 weeks. I’m behind in my weeding but it is what it is. We went to 2 birthday suppers while Danny was home. One of them was at Danny’s family’s lake lot, and I hadn’t seen his family for close to 2 years, but I made the effort to go, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I am making an attempt to not fight with Danny even when he baits me, and I’ve been fairly successful. Life is busy but good! Carole
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Hi Carole, How exciting, a helicopter ride!!!! That must have been strange to see it land in your yard!!! The gambling study you are talking about sounds interesting. Before I came to this site, I thought if I only gambled once a week that it was more acceptable and that I was doing better with my problem. I think I was just making up excuses!!! You sound happier and more content. Take care.
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Thanks (((Liz))) for your post. I am babysitting my granddaughters as my daughter has gone back to work today for the first time in 9 years. I have committed to do so until they both go back to school and kindergarden starts in 3 weeks, and regular school starts in 2 weeks. I set my alarm for 7:00 am today so I could take my time having coffee and getting over to my daughter’s. My daughter and I held a garage sale this past weekend and we raised almost a thousand dollars which will go into the 9 year old’s education fund. I’m glad it’s over as it was a lot of work getting ready for it. Danny suggested taking a hundred dollars and going to double it. I flatly refused as it’s never a hundred dollars and I don’t need to gamble, nor did I want to. I will be making suppers for my daughter while I’m here, plus I will be returning to my place to clean the renters’ house during the afternoon. I have a lady staying that works midnights, so I can’t go clean till later in the day so she can sleep. I’m thinking one day at a time, or I will become overwhelmed. Carole
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Hi Carole, You will be busy, but it is good to help our Daughter’s. That is awesome that the money made from the garage sell was put into your Granddaughter’s education fund. I can’t believe that Danny suggested that you gamble. Does he not get that you don’t want to go there?? I am glad that you didn’t gamble. One day at a time!!
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I am really glad you didnt gamble.. wow cant believe hubby encouraged it, not something i think is wise from a husband knowing his wife has an addiction, that isn’t support.
Glad you are doing the things with the grand kids, sounds like you are so busy with the renters places and grandkids that you will have no time to gamble now.. well done on keeping that monster of an addiction quietP
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Thank you (((P))) and (((Liz))) for thinking about me. I don’t post as I’ve been busy babysitting my granddaughters for the past 2 weeks. The 5 year old starts fulltime kindergarden on Tuesday so I only have Monday to look after her. My daughter went back to work fulltime, so I’ve been helping her out with the kids. I have my renters’ house to clean and of course with my own home and with three cats and two hugely shedding golden labs, there is a lot of cleaning there as well. Danny’s daughter is getting married on September 13th and we have a lot of groceries to buy and have at her place on the 12th in Edmonton. After the wedding my life will settle down drastically. I am seriously thinking of starting to quilt again as a winter project. I have booked myself a manicure, pedicure, and a facial for tomorrow. Every thing is calm on the gambling front and I have gone back to putting green xs on my calendar for every gamble free day. Danny is home for 2 weeks because of his shift rotation and his daughter’s wedding. That should be interesting but I’m taking it a day at a time. Carole
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Hi Carole! You are one busy lady! I am glad that everything is calm on the gambling front for you. I can’t even think of vacation right now!! Things will settle for me too once we have closed on this home and my Daughter and Grandson are moved in. Weddings are awesome but a lot of work and preparation. It will be good when your life settles down also. I like being busy but I like things being calm also!! Take care!! PS I love golden labs!! I think that I am almost ready to get a dog!!
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Hi there.. i sure miss your posts Carole, you have been so quiet lately but i know that you have so much going on in your life.. it is great you are busy with life and not gambling.. i know there are phases here where we need the forum more than others.. hope you come check in again soon..
P
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I notice that you are busy lately with your grandkids, cleaning the renters place etc. I think having a routine and purpose will be a benefit to you. Although don’t be overdoing it and causing yourself stress. I think if we can get our mind on other things though it does help keep us focusing on them and not on gambling.
I think going by your last post that Danny will be at home just now so I am sure that you are busy with the wedding etc.Take care my friend and have a great gamble free day!!!]
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Thank you my (((friends))) for taking the time to post to me, even though I have not posted to you for a very long time. The wedding is over and it was so much fun as it was so unique, a real refection of the couple. I have spent the past 2 days cleaning my own home, and now that I’m somewhat organized, I can start thinking of all the weeding I am behind in. Summers are always such a busy time for me. I watched a program on TV that talked about how the brain worked, and they said trying to resist an addiction doesn’t work, as the human mind is not evolved enough to do it with just resistance. In order to be successful a person has to add diversion in there. In other words, we need to get busy doing other things, other than our addictive behaviors, which for me is because of lack of impulse control, and habit for the most part. I will start posting to others, very soon. Carole
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So good to see you are doing so many things in your life these days and no gambling.. well done. How are your cats enjoying your place in the country. I guess it was a change for them after being in the flat in the city. They probably love it i am guessing.
Good the wedding was wonderful and its great to see a post from you again. Im here having my morning cuppa of course. Reading some posts before work..P
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Thank you (((P))) for your kind post. I have to confess to gambling yesterday. Why did I gamble? Because I am a compulsive gambler, have a lot of stress in my life with my relationship with Danny, and have been working a lot on my property and perhaps felt that I needed a “reward”. I don’t feel good about myself, and feel even worse after I’ve gambled. I can’t pinpoint any exact reason why I gambled. I had renters money in cash in an envelope on the counter and asked Danny if he would deposit it in the bank on his way back to work and he said no. That is like leaving a drink in front of an alcoholic and expecting them not to drink it. Maybe I felt unsupported in managing my addiction and that gave me the green light to gamble. It is what it is, and today I will not gamble. Carole
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Sorry to hear you gambled.. but well done on coming and being honest. I had many many times when i had no explanation as to why i turned into a casino when i had not the slightest intention.. sometimes i would feel so strong and in an hour i was somewhere gambling so i dont get complacent for a second knowing this addiction will pounce every single chance it gets.
Maybe you could post a bit more. It seems most times people are away from here or their GA meetings or whatever support they use its more likely to relapse.
How are those kitty cats anyway Carole.. are they enjoying it at their new home? I hope so..
Carole just start again.. start your time again gamble free and dont discount the days you had gamble free.. just do your best to not gamble today.. i hate to sound like an expert but i guess i am. I am an expert compulsive gambler who has relapsed for five years.. hahhahah.. would qualify with a great degree i would..P
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Having ready cash is not WHY you gambled, Carole, but it sure made gambling possible.
I have been living on a shoestring budget since my last day of fun 4 weeks ago….
I’m beginning to wonder if being “poor” IS the answer.
Every time we gamble the consequences will be the same.
We know them too well…
You need to ask Danny to help you out here. Leaving cash under a CG’s nose is very tempting. -
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Thank you to all my (((Friends))) who have posted to me, even though it’s been a very long time since I posted. At the moment I am battling a bad cold which is about 9 days old. I have been coughing and sleeping a lot. I have gone through some really dark days regarding my situation with Danny, but at the moment, Danny is being kind to me, as he is backed into a corner which I’m not going to get into here. I was feeling a bit better yesterday evening so my friend and I went out to supper. I coughed pretty much the whole night after that, and am not feeling as well today. Prior to getting ill, I was without a cell phone for 11 days as I left it in a hotel plugged into the wall. My phone sat on the front desk for over a week before they decided to mail it to me, which is lousy service as the rooms were over $200 a night. I also didn’t have internet as the renters screwed around with the cables and lines. I felt really isolated with no means of communicating, other than driving to my daughter’s and using her internet and phone. I don’t want anyone to worry or be concerned about me, as I am fine now, other than this nasty cold. Carole
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Hi Carole!
Good to see you are ” back in the loop” but sorry to hear you have ‘flu! Lots of it going around. I’m keeping my fingers crossed!
That was terrible about your phone! You would think they would have mailed it to you straight away!
I have been thinking about you a lot Carole but a kind of laziness has set in which prevents me from keeping in touch with people I want to contact!
I hope you are avoiding gambling as much as possible! -
Hey Carole,
I got an email from Larry and he said to be sure to say hello.
I too have been sick. Chest old I think. I haven’t worked since Wednesday but I must go back tomorrow. Took myself to dinner , my first outing since Thursday, and it really exausted me! I must work tomorrow.
Take care Carole!
bettie -
Thank you (((Liz))) (((Vera))) and (((Bettie))) for your kind posts to me. I am finally recovering from the nasty cold I had for 2 weeks. It knocked the stuffing out of me. Today is a no school Monday so I am at my daughter’s looking after my granddaughters. It is also snowing for the first time this year. The girls were out at 8:00 am making a snowman. As for not gambling, those green Xs keep accumulating on my calendar. It hasn’t been that I haven’t had thoughts and mild urges but with the support of Danny moving any extra money into another account that doesn’t have my name on it, it’s been a lot easier. He never wanted to help me before. I got his attention by gambling huge amounts of savings money, which was my goal. I have more gamble free time than I have ever had. Carole
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Thank you (((Liz))) (((Vera))) and (((Bettie))) for your kind posts to me. I am finally recovering from the nasty cold I had for 2 weeks. It knocked the stuffing out of me. Today is a no school Monday so I am at my daughter’s looking after my granddaughters. It is also snowing for the first time this year. The girls were out at 8:00 am making a snowman. As for not gambling, those green Xs keep accumulating on my calendar. It hasn’t been that I haven’t had thoughts and mild urges but with the support of Danny moving any extra money into another account that doesn’t have my name on it, it’s been a lot easier. He never wanted to help me before. I got his attention by gambling huge amounts of savings money, which was my goal. I have more gamble free time than I have ever had. Carole
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Hi Carole!
Glad to hear your cold is improved! Lots of colds and flu s around. So far I’ve escaped but the weather has been so mild here its more like Summer than Autumn. The clocks went back on Saturday night so the darker evenings are on their way.
My favourite time of year!
Can’t even imagine what snow looks like now . I never want to see it again, unless it’s on a Christmas Card!
Glad Danny is keeping your money safe, AT LAST! -
Thank you (((Vera))) for your kind post. The snow that fell yesterday has melted thankfully! Our clocks in Alberta go back an hour this coming weekend. I have had moderate level urges today as I have $600 cash in my wallet from a renter last night. I’ll be putting a green X on my calendar today as I won’t be gambling that money. It’s always the same when cgs gamble. We only leave the venue when we have no more money to gamble with. And the following day we want to recoup our loses. It’s an endless cycle, unless we don’t place that first bet. So for today I choose to stay home! Carole
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Six hundred is a lot of cash for a CG to carry, Carole! Can the renter pay by cheque or money order?
‘Hope its safe in your bank by now!
We had an evening out with friends. Big change from gambling and it was FREE! (Friends treated us)!
Turning colder here now but thankfully, no snow!!!
Yet! -
Carole,
Really good to read your journal, like you so rightly say “we have to stay away from that first bet” like you also so rightly say “when we start we cannot stop until we have nothing left”.
Hope life is treating you fair and just wanted to drop in and wish you all the very best, take care and speak soon.
Maverick
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Thank you (((Vera))) and (((Maverick))) for your kind posts. Roast in the slow cooker and Danny’s home for his week off. I finally went and bought material to make quilts for my 2 granddaughters. I haven’t quilted in years but I did enjoy it. The quilt backing I bought is flannel so it will be toasty for the girls. I am going to cut back on how often I babysit my granddaughters as they fight too much and don’t listen to me. I will only babysit them on Thursdays for 1 1/2 hours. No more overnight babysitting. One of the most difficult things I’ve encountered in staying away from gambling has been to find things to replace it with. I think that is a lot of addicts’ struggle. Carole
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It was really nice to read a post from you again.. i do miss reading them. I am glad to see you are gamble free that is the best news above anything else. Its also good that you know your limits and boundaries when it comes to your grandkids.. i bet they love the time that they do have with you. I remember reading of how you would always spoil them.
Fill your days and lets know what you are doing, keep posting Carole, i miss you round here..P
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Thanks (((P))) for your kind post. I am going to our grandson’s hockey game this morning, even though I don’t like hockey, but it would upset Danny if I didn’t go. My house looks like the beginning stage of a hoarders, with all the cat toys and their stuff brought in, and the disorganization everywhere. I have to feed my birds as they wait on the trees for me to come and put seeds out. In the evening a white tailed deer comes and eats all the seeds that are remaining, so it gets to be an expensive hobby. I have my feeders outside my kitchen window so it is nice to be able to see so many different birds, especially the yellow, blue, and red ones. I also have a squirrel that has worked tirelessly to accumulate seeds for the winter. Danny found one of its nests and it had a lot of cat and dog hair it had hoarded so that it would be a cozy nest for the winter. I love living in the country as I love the quietness and the peacefulness, and the animals I see from time to time. I like living without gambling and doing normal stuff. The only people I would ever see at the vlt venue were cgs like me. The social value is zip. I might as well go to Walmart and engage strangers in small talk; it’s cheaper. Carole
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Hi Carole, It is awesome that you see so many animals on your property. That is one of the things that I love living away from the city. I have seen elk, bunnies, squirrels, and many different kinds of birds. We have bears and mountain lions. I haven’t seen them but they have been spotted about 10 miles east of here. Something to think about when you are fishing, ect… It is good that you are finding other things to keep you busy instead of gambling. Sometimes it is hard. I find it a little harder when you are living in a rural setting as there isn’t a lot of things to do. But you can do it!!!! Take care.
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Thank you (((Liz))) for your kind post. I am ticked off with Danny today. He was complaining that I have not done much work since he has been home. He is also complaining that I hire a cleaning person once a week now to clean my renters’ house. He complains about my cats and that they have taken over both bedrooms. Because we don’t like the same programs, I go to the spare bedroom and watch TV there, and the cats want to be where I am, cozy on the bed. The complaining and trying to fight with me started this morning because I didn’t want to go with him to town so he could get his injections, he could get a haircut, and could pick up salt for the water conditioners. I told him that I went to the hockey game yesterday when I really didn’t want to, and that I would be spending Rememberance Day with him and his family tomorrow. He said I sat with and visited with different people at the rink instead of being with him, and that I invited a couple to lunch after the game. I’ve cooked suppers for him, did dishes, did laundry and bought fabric and started to quilt (part of my recovery is having a hobby). I clean the litter box, vaccum, and feed my birds, and went grocery shopping. He is complaining that I spend more time with Claudia, my renter than I do with him. Instead of saying he would like me to spend more time with him, he starts nitpicking that I don’t do enough housework. He complains I don’t have enough renters as I only have 3 right now. There are a lot of vacancies right now everywhere as a major project in the oil field has been completed. He says I don’t bring in enough income from the rental to cover the costs of the house. He is complaining that he needs more space for his clothes. Get rid of some of it, you darn hoarder! He should be happy I’m not spending money gambling. And if there is one thing he should know about me, is that you don’t ask me to start planning my day before I’ve had several cups of coffee. He thinks that because he is away working for 14 days, that he shouldn’t have to do anything on his week home. I am not in this world to live up to Danny’s expectations! I’m fine with how much I clean as I’m sick of cleaning. Carole
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Danny just called and said “this is your idiot husband calling!” I said that I hadn’t called him an idiot. He said it was him calling. He apologized and I said, why don’t you just tell me that I’m not spending enough time with you? He said “it’s not just that.” At that point I tuned out and stopped listening. This is a skill that develops with long-term marriages, and I’ve got it mastered. Does turning the oven on self-clean count as housework??? Carole
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Went for a haircut, did the recycling, bought cat food from the vet’s, bought 6 bags of bird seed, and a salt block for the deer. Waiting to meet all our kids, spouses, and grandkids, and my father-in-law to go out for supper. I’m not enjoying the cold and the north wind, and that’s with a winter coat. Carole
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I have to agree that husbands are very strange creatures. I don’t often have to tune my husband out….he doesn’t talk much at all!!
I am in Florida, so I can’t complain about the cold just now, but I thought I would send you some warm thoughts from here. I read nearly all of this thread and Bettie’s and I want you to know how much you have helped me see a life that is waiting for me without the anxiety of gambling. I see I must stay on guard and find things to do. Your quilting makes me remember when I used to love to cross-stitch. I wonder if my eyes could still handle that. It’s been a long time since I tried to do anything other than plan my next casino day.
Thanks again and I hope you have a beautiful dinner. Stay warm::) -
Hi Carole, It is hard to have a healthy marriage. It takes a lot of work, from both sides. Mine was very dysfunctional!!! That makes me sad. I wish that I could of fix it somehow before my Husband died. But that wasn’t to be! You and Danny love each other. Hang in there! I hope you had a great dinner.
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Thank you (((Kpat))) and (((Liz))) for your kind posts. Kpat, I posted on your thread. I have committed a huge sin in my family today. I did not get up to go to the Rememberance Day ceremonies and to spend the day with my husband and his family. I had a difficult time sleeping last night so I was very tired today, and didn’t get up till 12:30 pm. Every time Danny would wake me up, I kept falling back instantly asleep. My husband has military service as does his father and three brothers. In his family, it is the most important day of the year. There will be unkind words directed towards me today from my husband when he gets home. Dinner last night was a bit weird. I noticed that Danny’s daughter did not come over and hug me like she normally does when she sees me and when she leaves. They live in the city. I don’t know what sin I committed there! Lol! Also my daughter’s girls didn’t come to talk to me right away. I asked my daughter why and she said that the girls said I had said I didn’t like them. I would never say that. I said I didn’t like their behavior the couple days I was babysitting them. They were upset that I had said I wasn’t babysitting them anymore. Lily admitted that I hadn’t said those words but that’s how they were feeling. Seventeen of us that were at the dinner will be going to Mexico on January 1st. Included are 8 young children which will be chaotic as they get excited when they are together with their cousins. I have to remember that these are not my children and that I’m not responsible for how they are behaving. Danny goes back to work tomorrow morning for 2 weeks. My cats like me right now no matter what I do or don’t do. Carole
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I reread my thread and I noticed that all the plans I came up with such as volunteering, taking courses, taking yoga, going to support groups, etc., never materialized. The best laid plans of mice and men…………I regained the weight I lost in 2013. But I have made progress on my recovery journey, so that’s the main thing. I have started to cut my strips for quilting. Danny came home early today and talked about strife between family members at the legion today, after the Remembrance ceremonies. My daughter as well felt she had been slighted by Danny’s daughters today, so I wasn’t imagining it last night. When people asked where I was today, Danny told them I was sleeping because I was tired. It could have been worse; I could have been gambling, and then I would have felt worse that I didn’t attend. Carole
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I had to look up what a vlt was. Thanking God they are not here and available to me.
There are still quite a bit of conservative voters in Florida and now that I am on this recovery road I will always vote to keep them out!
Today is Veteran’s Day and I forgot to call my Dad. He served in the Army. I feel guilty for that.
I didn’t gamble either;) so we are both good for one thing and not another. God forgives:)
Blended families are so hard sometimes.
I am sure your quilt will be a beauty. I am jealous, My sewing is an atrocity. -
You know Carole thats why I love my kittys so much-they love unconditionally.
Have you caught up on Downton Abbey? I have seen all 8 now-the site is much improved and I had no issues watching it at all.
Mexico in January sounds lovely.
I did book a weekend trip to see Jen in December. She will not be home for Christmas-a first for me. I have used all my time off for the year and no chance of getting time at Christmas.
I woke at 5am today in tears. I was dreaming that Jen was moving and I was just begging her not to go. I can’t recall really crying in my sleep and waking up in tears before.
When it comes to weight and smoking I’m no quitter-lol! They are imposing a $50 monthly fee for smoking with the health insurance in January. Next will be one for being fat, then one for having cronic illinesses!
I have hijacked your thread!
Take care Carole!
bettie -
Thank you (((Bettie))) and (((Kpat))) for your kind words. I just love my cats so very much. I know I shouldn’t have a favorite but my Pablo, the one eyed cat melts my heart. He went from a farmer’s barn cat where he lost his eye, to a vet clinic cat, and then to a house cat. He talks to me a lot during the day and tries to sleep as close to me as he can. He thrives on affection and is almost like a dog as he comes to me when I call him. I’ve put not showing up at Remembrance Day behind me as Danny didn’t make a big deal of it like I was sure he would. The only comment he made was something to the effect that people fighting in a war didn’t have the luxury of saying I’m not fighting today because I’m tired. I’m glad I didn’t go because of the strife in Danny’s family. His one brother will not even say hello to him, because of the Christmas decoration fiasco that happened after Danny’s Mom died. The decorations were offered to his brother and he didn’t pick them up, so Danny’s Dad told him to take them to the dump. I informed his brothers that the decorations were at my house and to stop by if they wanted any of them. Danny’s brother and his wife phoned me and they were furious as he said they belonged to them. I told them that were it not for Danny, it would have all gone to the dump. They picked up the decorations and haven’t spoken a word to us since and that’s been a couple of years ago. Nothing is easy in that family. Danny complains that I only have three out of seven bedrooms rented in my rental accommodation. There is a 33% vacancy rate in my town right now as approximately 1000 people have moved on from the oil field plant they spent the last 2 years building. Everyone I speak with has had to reduce their rent significantly to even get renters. I am going to lose 2 of my renters mid December as their jobs will be over. At least the gambling money bleed has stopped, and that was significant. Construction companies have built an overabundance of houses in the past couple years and my realtor said that has been killing their business of selling pre-owned homes. I expect house prices to drop significantly which is not good news for us as we are trying to sell our home and acreage. One day at a time. Carole
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I struggled with gambling urges yesterday, but was able not to gamble as I did something that I rarely do. I prayed to God to save me from myself. A renter brought me $900 cash in one hundred dollar bills. Had he brought me the money in twenty dollar bills, it would have been more difficult for me to say no to myself. The VLTs here do not accept hundred dollar bills. I am going to look after my granddaughters for an hour and a half today so I will take them through the McDonald’s drive thru and the bank drive through so that I can deposit the cash and a cheque I have. With Christmas coming soon and our family vacation on January 1st to Mexico, we are going to need all the money we get. Most days I go along and it doesn’t seem that not gambling is a huge problem, but there are days, I struggle with gambling urges and thoughts. I am also one of these people that struggle with staying emotionally stable. If the sun is shining it’s easier for me to stay positive. I’m going to do my best to stay gamble free today. Carole
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Thank you (((Charles))) for the “well done.” I managed to stay gamble free today, and every dollar made it to the bank. Prior to leaving for town, I asked myself what else I could do to ensure I wouldn’t gamble today. The thought came to me that I could not wash my hair, so I did that. I did not allow myself any time for gambling, only enough time to run my errands. Cash money enough to gamble with is a huge trigger for me. I am counting on my husband making me more accountable when it comes to our bank account. Anyways, I’m safe and sound in my warm cozy home so that’s enough for me. Carole
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Well done on not gambling.. i am the same some days are easy some days arent with urges or no urges or mentally.. its all a challenge but its always worse if we throw gambling into the mix.. having a bit of a struggle myself of late.. glad to see you posting again.. i really missed it. Loved hearing of your cats again.. my cat is being her usual princess self and controlling the house.. shes so funny.. well done again on not gambling.. one day at a time
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Thank you (((Liz))) and (((P))) for your kind posts. Having my coffee and cigarettes (I won’t lie). Yesterday was a gamble free day as well. I spent three hours yesterday with Charles in the chat room. I try and be grateful for what I have in life but after chatting with Charles, I felt an even greater sense of gratefulness, peace, and joy. It’s the everyday things like feeding the birds, seeing wildlife, flower gardening, and my cats that bring me joy. The activities that don’t involve gambling. I talked to Danny last night and told him that I was refusing his offer of understanding if I gamble once a month with three hundred dollars. Some time back we came to an agreement that if he wasn’t nasty to me, I wouldn’t gamble. Works for me!! Today will be gamble free as I’m not going to town. I plan on vacuuming my place of all cat hair. Plus I told my renter/casual friend that I would make us chili tonight. Carole
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Hi Carole, I am glad that you are feeling a greater sense of gratefulness, peace and joy. We embrace these feelings when we are not gambling and we don’t take things for granted. I am glad that you turned down Danny’s offer of gambling only once a month, 3 hundred dollars. That’s not a help to you!! I wanted to ask you how your Mother is doing? I thought of her today as I was spending the day with my Mother. Take care!
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Thanks (((Liz))) for your kind post. I accomplished next to nothing yesterday, other than not gambling and making my renter/ casual friend some chili. I told her I would make her soft tacos tonight and maybe a ceasar salad. So far today it is noon and all I’ve done is feed the birds and change the cat litter. I feel tired a lot of the time and just so unmotivated. Carole
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Hi Carole, Our husbands just don’t get it when it comes to our gambling. My husband has also said, “Why don’t you go for just this amount of time and spend this amount of money?” He has also offered the once-a-month thing. Honestly, he offers because he really wouldn’t mind if I spend X amount of money each month on gambling if that is what I wanted to do. He is generous in that way. I wish I could take him up on the offer. We are wiser than that, Carole. We know that we can never go and spend X amount of money. Once a month isn’t enough for us.
Honestly, after all this time, I still wish that I could take X amount of money, gamble once a month, have my fun and be satisfied until the next month.
Somewhere along the way, a line was crossed and we have to face the fact that this will never work for us.
After all the misery and financial devastation, they should know better, too. I think at some level they do. But, in the end, the choice is ours. We must choose what is best for us!
Good for you in making the right choice, Carole! -
Thank you (((icandothis))) for your kind supportive post. The reason that my husband said once a month is probably because compulsive gambling means on some level that I need him, at least financially. I told him I didn’t want that option. I also find being honest with him helps me. Yesterday I told him I was having huge urges, via text, and he sent me back a text saying I didn’t need that s**t, and suggested some things for me to do instead. On a small level I was hoping he would say to go for a while. I’m grateful he didn’t. I did get a bit more done yesterday than I usually do in terms of cleaning. I did prepare supper for my renter/casual friend. I cooked two nights in a row!!! I’m planning to have another green x day today. Carole
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Hey well done.. you are doing great. It seems opening up to Danny about your gambling is really actually helping. I think its hard for non cg’s to ever quite comprehend what we go through. Im just shocked that he wouldnt mind you going spending the money on that.. maybe he doesnt understand that once you start, you can’t stop.. well i dont know about you but i certainly cant.. hope to see you in chat soon, i thought one was on now but cant locate one.. maybe next hour
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Thanks (((P))) for your kind post. I don’t know that Danny understands that cgs can’t stop after that first bet. I remember being in a casino with Danny and winning $400 with my first spin and him saying let’s go now. I looked at him in disbelief and told him that I hadn’t had a chance to play so I wasn’t leaving. Non-cgs don’t understand the urges/cravings to see those wheels spin. I had planned to go to town yesterday but decided not to go as it soon would start to get dark. I spent three hours on GT support group and by the time I leisurely did my cleaning, the daylight had pretty much gone. My renter Claudia is going to be giving me $250 cash plus I’m expecting a cheque in the mail so I want to put that safely in the bank today. I will be bringing my calendar with green xs with me, in case a sneaky urge/thought comes up when I’m in town. That will I can stop and think about whether I want a black x on my calendar and want all the bad feelings that come with gambling. A girl’s got to do what a girl has to do. Carole
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Having my morning coffee and feeling like I slept pretty good last night. Winter has arrived as evidenced by a lot of snow that fell overnight. My renter has returned whose daughter died as a result of a party drug she ingested about 5 months ago. She wasn’t a drug taker and she was dropped off at a hospital by someone anonymous. She was put on life support and she died. I also have a renter whose son was murdered over something to do with marijuana. Out of 6 people I have 2 that have lost their children tragically. I will not be decorating my renters’ house this year as I’m sure my renter doesn’t need further reminder that his daughter won’t be with them this Christmas. I’m doing well with not gambling. Carole
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Hey Carole,
I have a customer who’s daughter was murdered about 10 years ago. She was working at a storage facility. They had a suspect about 5 years ago and knew he was already in jail. They waited for his release a month or so ago and arrested him on the spot. While not happy I am sure that was the best gift she could hope for this year.
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Thanks (((Bettie))) and (((Liz))) for your posts. I was stressed out about going over and seeing Darcy as I didn’t know what to say to him. What do you say to someone whose daughter died tragically? I had a stomach ache yesterday and the evening before because it was stressing me out, so I thought I would summon courage and go over there. It was a bit awkward at first but then it got comfortable. I’m glad that’s over. Danny arrives home noonish tomorrow. He flies in tonight but I don’t want him driving home from Edmonton at night. He had an MRI for his MS and he has an appointment with the neurologist on Thursday, so we are going to Edmonton on Wednesday and staying overnight. We are going to go for supper with his brother and his wife, so that will be fun. A friend invited me to her retirement home in Costa Rica and I seriously thought of going, but have decided I am too scared to travel there by myself as I would have to take a 3 and a half hour bus ride through the mountains to get to her place, and sleep in a hotel the night I arrived. This is too stressful for me at this point in my life; I’m not as adventurous as I used to be. She has monkeys and sloths in the trees in her yard and I would have loved to see that. I know that I would get anxiety attacks once I booked that flight which would bring on gambling urges and I don’t need self-induced stress. Plus I would have to visit when Danny was on his week off, so that would mean I wouldn’t see him for 5 weeks, which doesn’t work for me. I miss him when he is away working. He works two weeks and is off for a week. Not going is the right decision for me. I let my friend know today that I wouldn’t be coming to visit. Carole
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The great news about the neurologist appointment is that Danny’s MS is in remission. He has no active lesions at the present time. We had a good time together those couple days we were in the city. Stayed at a really nice hotel and had a delicious dinner cooked right in front of us at the Japanese Village. It has been extremely cold here with temperatures of minus 30 celcius. I don’t drive to town unless it is absolutely necessary as the roads are dangerous. My friend Claudia and I came upon a serious car accident moments before it happened. There were no police cars or ambulances there so we knew it had just happened. I’m still waiting to hear if anybody died in that accident. The car was totaled and the collision was with a truck. I’ve been working hard cleaning my renters’ house as I have a full house. Danny is home for a couple more days and he is helping Claudia get her car started. The cold makes everything more difficult and thankfully Danny is home to help her. As far as gambling is concerned I am doing well. When I stopped playing free slots online, recovery became so much easier. Keeping busy also helps a lot. Here’s hoping everyone has a gamble free December. One day at a time!! Carole
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What wonderful news about Dannis MS.. for him and for you.. wow that is huge news.. you must be so relieved.. and him too I’m sure.. sounds like you are doing some nice things together.. and getting along better which is nice to read, I’m happy you are happy.. i love reading of the improvements in peoples lives.. and also understand the other times too.. so good you are not gambling and the free slots are such a catch to people.. they definitely encourage gambling with money keeping that fire alive.. well done on giving them up Carole and not gambling, you are doing great..
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Spent a few hours on the support groups with Charles and got booted and couldn’t get back in, and then I couldn’t type as the letters I hit wouldn’t show up. Anyways it’s always nice to visit with everyone in the groups. Encourage others and be encouraged is always nice. Danny had to go pick up another one of our renters as his car broke down. It’s a good thing Danny’s home to rescue these renters in this extremely frigid weather. Off I go to do more cleaning. Dishes first so that I can warm up in the hot sudsy water. Carole
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It was so lovely to talk with you in chat. !! Hope to meet u there again soon!!
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I am so happy to see your upbeat and happy posts again Carole!!! That is great news about Danny’s health. As we get older we appreciate our health so much more. I have not been posting as I was feeling a bit down, but I am starting to feel a bit better again. I am slowly accepting retiring next year, but I am thinking that I may try and work part-time somewhere, but not sure yet. One day at a time. It is freezing here, but it is what it is so you just have to get on with it. Take care and have a wonderful gamble free day!!!
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Thanks (((sad))) and (((cat))) for your lovely posts on my thread. Today I lowered my ATM cash limit to $100 from $400. Went for lunch with Danny and my daughter and then ran a lot of errands such as groceries, recycle, pick up meds and mail, etc. We had two big wolves on our property this morning. They were right in the open and are probably attracted to the deer that eat at my bird feeders. We’ve always had dogs so we never saw wolves before. I’m not happy with having them here. I need to drive one hour round trip to go pick up one of my renters after she finishes work at 9:00 pm. Her car is in the garage and she has no other way to get home. I have poor vision when it’s dark and don’t like driving in the winter, but she expects me to pick her up. How do I get into these types of relationships?? Carole
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I was angry at Danny last night as he didn’t come with me to pick Claudia up after she finished work. He knows I don’t see well at night and that I’m nervous about winter driving. I hope her car is fixed today as I do not want to have to go pick her up tonight after her work. I had an overwhelming day yesterday with people pushing and pulling me different directions with their needs. And my 21 year old granddaughter was out with one of my friends (used to be my best friend) and suffered a disassociative episode where she didn’t know where she was at or how she got there, and couldn’t feel her left arm. My friend took her to the emerg at the hospital and over time she started to remember more. My granddaughter recently started therapy again, thankfully. She will not be returning to university come January, but she will continue to live in the city where she can get very specialized help, which is not available where we live. She plans on getting a non-stressful job and get therapy. One thing about her is that she always calls her mother or me when she is in trouble mental health wise, which is a good thing. I didn’t gamble yesterday. Carole
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I went on a gambling binge yesterday. I was angry at Danny because I felt that once again he showed me he didn’t care about me, when he didn’t come with me to pick Claudia up. I was angry at Claudia because she is so needy and depends on Danny and I too much to help her. I was angry at myself that I set that situation up that allowed her to depend on me too much. I was feeling overwhelmed with too many things plus I was angry. Gambling didn’t help as I was feeling just as angry when I left with much less money than I came in with. I am concerned about my granddaughter and how mentally ill she is. All in all the day was just a write-off. When I told Danny I had spent the day gambling, he said he knew I would because I was angry at him. I hate posting when I’ve gambled. Carole
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Hi Carole,
I can so understand how u needed to escape reality for a little time and how this led you to gambling. You felt let down and overwhelmed by people but really you are carrying the awful burden of worry over your granddaughter with you day and night. It is difficult to distract ourself from such a worry, because its one we have little control over. There is no action we can take to fix things. It’s i a very very difficult situation and often we feel we can’t predict the outcome.So Carole this worry is going to be with you for a while. Is there anything you can have in place for when It all gets too much ? Could u have a counsellor or is there a friend you could call? Do you need to maybe speak to your own doctor about the worry you are carrying? I think this isn’t a case of not having barriers but more a case of needing ‘time out’ from worrying!
You are amazing to come back here with such honesty. You made a mistake, had a slip but all is not lost . Do something nice for yourself Carole., something you will enjoy whether it be a massage, a manicure or a prayer group. Be kind to Carole for she certainly deserves it!!
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I hate reading that you gambled , Carole!
Makes me feel sick at the pit of my stomach because I know how badly you feel.
Trying to get a chance to email you…everything seems to have seized up. I’m on a sort of go slow, yet my mind is in overdrive!
Thick fog here today. It will freeze tonight. Went with “himself” to pay car and house insurance. I think hubby said it cost €900. I had to put my fingers in my ears when he was saying that because I could recall seeing that amount vanish into a slot machine in an hour, not so long ago.
I’m awake every night now, adding and subtracting money that I have, money I had and money I don’t have and that I will never see again.
I know how you feel Carole.
Sick!
I hope you didn’t put your life at risk by driving in sub zero temperatures after dark? When I think of all the nights I tried to drive home from the casino many hours after midnight wondering where it well all end, I resolve all the more to never put myself in that situation again. ‘Hope you don’t either!
Lots to tell you Carole. Will email asap. -
Hi Carole, I can understand why you gambled! Sorry though. You came back here and that’s what counts! It hurts to be disappointed and let down by your spouse when that is the one person that you should be able to count on. I am real sorry to hear about your Granddaughter. I know you must be full of worry for her. She can’t just take a pill and it will all disappear. That must be real hard on her! You love her and I get the worry that you have for her. You need to learn to say no so you don’t feel like everyone is grabbing at you and you don’t get overwhelmed. Since I moved, I am a lot calmer and I have told my Daughter no several times when she has asked me to come to the city to watch my Grandson. I either had plans or just didn’t want to. It was hard at first but believe me they find a solution to their problems themselves. Hopefully your renter gets her car fixed soon. If it happens again suggest that she rents a car for a few days!! Take some time for you! Read a book, lounge in your pj’s and watch TV. Take care friend!
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I can relate to why you gambled as I would do that as well when I was angry with hubby, but then I realized I was hurting myself more than him when I gambled. I started to think about it differently and thought I am not going to gamble because he was such a @**!!!. The gambling was about me not him. I was not going to give him the satisfaction of saying I knew you would gamble!!! Next time, because unfortunately with our hubby’s we know that they can get us so angry so be prepared and think through ahead of time what you are going to do. I know that I would react right away and needed to escape, and then I felt worse about myself. It is a continual battle, but you can win the war!!!! Are you still thinking of coming to visit your mother? It is freezing here and I am thinking that it is going to be a long winter again!!!!
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Thank you to my dear (((friends))) for supporting me through your posts after my gambling binge. I’m happy to report that yesterday was a gamble free day and today will be as well. Claudia called me at 9:45 pm last night to say her vehicle was stuck in a ditch and could I ask one of the renters to come tow her out. I told her that the only renter home with a truck drinks when he gets home. I told her that I couldn’t tow her out with my vehicle as I didn’t want to damage my vehicle as I don’t know the first thing about towing someone. She asked me if I knew anyone else that could tow her out. She asked me who I would ask if I was in the ditch. I told her my son-in-law but that he was at a hockey game. She had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and the doctor prescribed her even more Percocet as she claims to have severe migraine headaches every day and that the only reason she is able to get out of bed in the mornings is because of the pain meds that are prescribed for her. I’ve had 4 migraine headaches in my life so I know what a migraine looks like and how a person behaves. She doesn’t have severe migraines on a daily basis. It’s frustrating for me as I was hoping that the doctor would start weaning her off the medication as it is a narcotic comprised of tylenon and oxycontin. I know what she does is none of my business and I need to let it go, and just say no to her when she gets herself into problems. What did she do before she moved into my rental? Who helped her? Danny said that she shows no “remorse” that she asks people for way too much. I wouldn’t ask my renters to come tow me out. She managed to get someone to tow her out as she was here this morning with her car. My granddaughter is doing fine at the present time and classes are over so she is writing exams. I am babysitting my granddaughters overnight tonight as it is my daughter’s work Christmas party and I’m not driving home in the dead of night. I went back to using myfitnesspal yesterday as I have gained back 18 out of the 20 pounds I lost a year ago. I went off the program when I ended up in Winnipeg for 26 days as opposed to a 4 day visit, when my mother was hospitalized. I am unhappy with the extra weight I am carrying and feel ready to do something about it again. That’s the good that came out of my gambling binge. I asked myself what I could do to gain more control of my life and that’s what I came up with. It also adds a little more structure in my daily life as I have to plan for what I’m going to eat for that day. I took the Quality Street chocolates to the renters’ house, threw away cookies, and took cookie dough to my daughter’s. Anyways, I’m doing well! Carole
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Charles came up with a brilliant idea for me to manage rent money paid to me in cash. He suggested a tin or a box that has a slot on top that I can deposit the cash to, and then when Danny gets home he can use a key to open the box. So simple and I wish I would have thought of that myself. Carole
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I went on the forum hoping to talk with Charles but there was someone named waynes who said he was the group facilitator. I didn’t stay long as I have no idea who he is. I am gamble free though I had gambling urges all day long yesterday. A woman I know well lost her granddaughter to cancer on December 8th at the age of 9. She also lost her daughter to cancer 4 years ago. I put myself in this woman’s mind and feel her grief which seems unbearable to have lost her daughter and then this daughter’s child. Normally I would gamble to deal with my emotions but yesterday I had a blizzard at Dairy Queen, which is less destructive. This little girl that died met Kate Middleton and Prince William in Calgary in 2011 and was chosen to present a bouquet of flowers as that was her Make a Wish dream to meet a princess. The family has a lot of support which I’m thankful for. Carole
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Hi Carole! It is heartbreaking for the family of the little girl who died and for her mother who died! I can’t imagine. There is nothing that one can really say to them but to be there and be her friend is probably the greatest thing that you can do for her. I had a work friend whose wife died of cancer and 6 months later he went to wake up his 18 year old son, his only child and he was dead. His appendix had bust during the night and he had passed away. I often looked at my friend and wondered where he found the strength to go on. I would sit and listen to him talk about them and I always made a point to say hi to him everyday and ask him how he was doing. It is hard sometimes to understand why such tragedies happen. I am glad that you didn’t gamble and opted for a blizzard instead. Take care!
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Hi Carole, well done on not acting on the urges. Maybe next time stay and talk to Wayne, then you will know him for any future time when you may be getting urges and need to talk.
Here is a link where myself, Wayne and the rest of the team tell you a little about ourselves.
https://www.gettogethablog.com/en/gambling-therapy-team
See you soon in a group I hope. Keep posting.
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I wanted to wish all the staff and the many friends I have on GT a peaceful and joyful holiday season. I thank you for all the support you have given me on my recovery journey. That being said, there are many people this holiday season that are grieving loved ones who have passed from this world to the next. Ken L. for example lost his much loved son mere months ago. Please remember him and his family as they go through this first holiday season without him. Let us all be grateful for the things that matter like family and friends, a roof over our head and food in our home. This is a very stressful time for so many people, for so many reasons. Random acts of kindness are not limited to this time of year. Merry Christmas to all! Carole
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I was thinking this morning and wondering how all my friends here are doing.. i thought of how you would post often and sometimes meet in chat.. it would be lovely to catch up in chat again with you sometime over a coffee…
I hope that life is good for you right now, miss seeing you round hereP
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Thank you to (((P))), (((Bettie))), (((Liz))), (((kpat))), and (((Vera))) for your posts on my thread. I did go to Mexico and there was 17 of us, all our daughters, son-in-laws and 8 grandkids. With that many family members, there is going to be drama and there was some. I spent half the vacation in the hotel as I was watching the Paris situation evolve. I am unable to tolerate sitting in the heat for more than a couple hours so it was more enjoyable to vacation my way. We came home to frozen water lines which Danny was unable to resolve before he went back to work for 2 weeks. Now we have a frozen sewer line so I have no water or sewer at the present time. I go to the renters house to do my dishes, do laundry and shower. It is hugely inconvenient but at least I have somewhere I have access to water and sewer. Truth be known I have been suffering with depression. I babysat my grandkids after school yesterday and forgot my phone there. I also don’t post because Danny made a comment about this site being a mutual admiration society where people tell each other that it’s OK you had a slip/relapse. He obviously reads posts so I don’t feel like I can be honest with my posts knowing he is reading them. With oil prices being so low, Danny may get laid off in July or August. My daughter’s husband who also works in the oil patch was offered a different job with the same company because of lay offs. They want him to work 7 days in camp and then 7 days off. My daughter who is now working full time is stressed out as she needs him to be home in the evenings to help with the little girls and their evening activities. I’m depressed about my what I feel is an empty and emotionally abusive marriage and I see no way out. Carole
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Hi Carole. Sorry that you are depressed. It always seems when we are down multiple things occur to bring us down further. I will be praying that your Hubby and son in law don’t get laid off. We both know how awesome this site is so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I am always here for you. Please call me, text me or email me. I am a good listener and I care about you. I want you to find happiness as we all deserve that in our lives. Take care.
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Welcome back Carole!
I was delighted to hear you spent a family holiday in Mexico! Seems as if you had a lot of family there. Personally, I would prefer a smaller group. I don’t like crowds!
The thought of coming back to frozen pipes would not appeal to me! I am so much into comfort zones, I refuse to leave the bed if we hit zero. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you taking laundry etc to the renter’s house. The only consolation is from now on the days will be getting longer and the ice melting, I hope!
I hope and pray things will improve for your son in law. At least in Danny’s case he would be nearer retirement age but a young family need to have security. I suppose a week on /week off would be far better than having to look for another job though. They could adjust to that if it was the only option.
I have tried again to e mail you Carole with no success .
Do you still have my email address?
If you wish to send me an email I would be very happy to respond!
Take care and try to find a cozy corner where you can snuggle up with your cats until the thaw comes! -
Thank you (((Charles))), (((P))), and (((Vera))) for your kind posts. I am happy to report that I now have water and sewer since yesterday afternoon. That makes everything so much easier. The sewer line must have thawed with the warmer weather we are having. I was supposed to go for breakfast with my renter/casual friend this morning. I’m not a morning person but I set my alarm clock, got up even though I was still really tired, and got in the shower. While I was in the shower she texted me to say she had a headache and didn’t feel like going anywhere. I wish she had texted me 15 minutes earlier so I could have gone back to sleep. I will not be making any early morning plans with her again. Tomorrow afternoon I am taking my granddaughters to the new movie Paddington. I am feeling better now that I have water and sewer. It all felt overwhelming. My granddaughter in Edmonton has gone back to intensive therapy of 20 hours a week and she is required to work 20 hours a week as part of this therapy program. She decided not to go back to university this term. She is going to look for a job that is not stressful. I told her not to work more than the 20 hours as she has trouble saying no when asked to work extra hours. She assured me she wouldn’t. Danny and I have been paying her rent since September and will continue to do so. She rents from a long-time friend of mine so we have another set of eyes looking out for her. One day at a time. Carole
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Hi Carole , you sound more upbeat than in your previous posts .. There is nothing more annoying than not having running water when we are so used to it .
I read your post where you said your husband reads the posts on here . It occurred to me you could set up a thread under a new name … Although you may by feel the same way now .
Getting back to real life after a holiday is always depressing .
You are very kind to your grand-daughter and I think that is great advice to give her . Working too many hours could overwhelm her .Keep strong . Keep posting !!
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Glad to hear things are on the up and up Carole!
If I had no water I would go nuts!!!! I’m bad enough as I am!!
I had arranged to meet a friend (ex work colleague) at midday one day last week. When we met, she told me they had phoned her from work at 7 am to come in on overtime that day! She turned it down because of our arrangement! I did that a few times too. People before money! However, I have been left in the lurch a few times by other so called friends when something better turned up. We live and learn, Carole! Next day my friend texted me to say she has been offered a whole week of nights next week they are so short staffed!! I’m delighted for her! he needs the money! Unheard of to get 7 nights OT but the new boss who took over before I left has left a trail of destruction. Five staff left since I left! She is impossible to work with, it seems. Even agency staff cancel after one shift with her! I often wonder how these people are given positions of authority ? The world seems to have turned upside down!
I hope things work out for Nicole and that she follows your sound advice Carole! You are a wonderful grandmother to her! -
I am glad that you have water and sewage again. You sound much more upbeat. When I am gone for awhile, I leave the water (in the main bathroom) on, just a drip, as it helps the lines from freezing. I get overwhelmed when things happen but I am getting used to dealing with them as I have no one else to rely on. You are a good Grandmother, Carole. At least we have our grandchildren that bring us joy. Have fun at the movie. Take care.
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I finally made an appointment with my family doctor and am going to ask her for a referral to a psychiatrist. I have been diagnosed with depression decades ago and am on medication. I also suffer with anxiety attacks and am having other mental health symptoms that are not being treated. I realize that I do not have the coping skills to deal with my gambling addiction. When I don’t gamble I binge eat, and I go through my days watching many hours of TV and being on my computer. I have just substituted gambling with eating to cope with my emotions. I have no life, other than my grandkids and my daughter. The trauma I have experienced is impacting me in so many unhealthy ways that I can’t just go along like this anymore. All I want to do is isolate myself, and have no interest in being around people, or doing anything. I need to wait for a month for my doctor’s appointment, but I have put this off for years, so a month is nothing. If I do nothing, nothing will change. Carole
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Hi Carole. I am glad that you made a appointment with your Doctor and are seeking help. I am watching my ex son in law battle severe depression and he refuses to get help. My grandson is suffering also because his Dad is unavailable. I totally think that you are doing the healthy thing by getting help. Sometimes we can’t deal with our problems by ourselves especially when we have experienced trama. Take care. I am thinking of you.
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Thank you (((Liz))) and (((Vera))) for your supportive posts. If anyone is thinking of gambling, go online and look at your bank statements for the past year, and look at how many withdrawals and the amounts of money spent gambling. I was truly sickened by what I saw and had a big anxiety attack. And I’m supposed to be in recovery?? I can’t change the past but can change what I do today. The past 2 days I have spent organizing my income tax to take to the accountant, as well as going through 2 filing cabinets and desk to sort through and either keep, recycle, or shred documents that we no longer require. It actually took me all day yesterday. It’s sedentary work but at least it’s productive. Carole
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Hi Carole, I can’t even grasp how much money I have spent gambling! I know that it is a lot! It is good that you are getting organized with your paperwork. It seems like it is a never ending project. But like you said it is productive. I shredded and organized (filing cabinet) when I first moved in here but now my filing cabinet needs to be reorganized and I still have several boxes of paperwork to go through. I think that is one of my least favorite things to do. LOL!! I am getting my tax stuff together also and I know that I will have to pay taxes again. It is what it is!! All we can do is learn from our past mistakes and move forwards. Take care.
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Thanks (((Liz))) for your kind post. Today is the one year anniversary of my stem cell donation to a 50 year old woman somewhere in the world. I don’t know her health status as I did not receive a 3 month report on her condition, as I was told I would. It either means that she is from a country that doesn’t share information with the donor, or that she has declined to provide the report. I’m doing well not gambling, and looking at actual numbers made me sick with a panic attack. I am just now fully comprehending how gambling made me so ill emotionally. To say I’m a slow learner is an understatement. I am feeling better emotionally but have a very long way to go towards good mental health. I’m celebrating today with getting a haircut. Carole
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I spoke to Cat a few days ago. She is in a transitioning phase with retirement coming up and of course with dealing with the reality of a spouse who has quit drinking and them trying to find their new normal. They may go to visit their grandchildren for two months early next year, so they can be a bigger part of the children’s lives. I am also in a transitioning stage and that’s all I’m going to say about that. I don’t post as often as there are some things people need to work out in their heads, and when a person knows it’s the right decision for them, they know. Sometimes a person needs to get away from talk of gambling, as it is not something they are struggling with at the time. I spend my time cleaning and babysitting and with my cats. It doesn’t sound very exciting and it’s not. I’m going to be looking for a 2 day a week job, just to get out a bit. There isn’t much to do in my small town other than go to a movie and out to eat. I don’t bowl or floor curl or belong to any groups. My eyesight is such that quilting is very difficult for me now due to early cataracts. I can’t see to thread the needle and it gets on my nerves. Hope everyone has a gamble free day! Carole
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Thank you (((P))) and (((Liz))) for your supportive posts. I am doing fine. My husband was one of the 1000 people demobilized from Fort McKay two weeks ago, which means he is unemployed. We have moved to the house from the mobile home as we have no renters because of the oil bust here. I am working fulltime as a support worker for individuals with developmental/physical delays. For the past 3 weekends I have had my granddaughters here overnight on Saturdays. It’s a tradition I decided to start. They each have their own rooms here, and like leaving their stuff here. My Mother is hospitalized in Winnipeg and I am flying out on Friday and returning Easter Monday. According to my brother, my Mother is not that lucid, is having trouble remembering and forming thoughts. I have come to a new appreciation regarding my Mother. Since she has been hospitalized, I haven’t been able to pick up the phone and talk to her. It reminded me that once she passes away some day, I will miss picking up the phone to see how she is, or to tell her funny things about her cat that I took in over a year ago. Hope everyone has a gamble free day! Carole
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Hi Carole, I am glad to see your post here! Thank you for your supportive post on my thread. I am sorry to hear about your Mother. Even though we have issues with our Mothers, when they are no longer here it will be hard. I want to say congrads on your job. You didn’t miss a beat in finding employment. I know this must be a difficult time for you and Danny. I know that you are strong and will get through it. I am thinking of you! My Grandson has his own bedroom at my place. He loves it!! Take care.
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|Thank you (((Liz))) and (((P))) for your kind posts on my thread. I thought I’d update my thread. Danny is still unemployed and I’m still working 35 hours a week with people that have developmental and physical disabilities. I have a very supportive boss and some of the staff are helpful in me learning all the computer applications for this position and the job itself, and one individual in particular seems to seek out opportunities to criticize tasks that aren’t done in the same way she does them. I suppose not everyone is going to like me, but it’s just the way it is. One of the great benefits of working is not having urges to gamble. I am chronically tired and when I get off shift, all I want to do is go home. If I have any extra energy left after a work day, I’ll get the mail, pick up a few groceries, or stop at the vet’s and buy cat food. It’s like gambling was never a problem for me; that’s how little I ever think about it. Not to mention that I work too hard to squander my money in a vlt. A little TV and I will call it a night for today. Carole
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I’m glad to see you post and update us. I sent you a message via Facebook but you never replied. I figured that you were too busy with work. Carole, how is your Mother doing? You can’t please everyone (work), just do your best. You are very personable and knowledgeable. They are lucky to have you. Take care!
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Wow what a massive jump to full time work straight away.. that must be a lot on you and having Danny not working. I hope that you are ok.. i am so pleased to see you are not gambling, above anything that is what is important because of how this addiction progresses.. wonderful to see you posting, i have missed it. Keep us updated.. how are the cats?
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Hows things, i really miss seeing you around here, and Cat.. i always think of you when i post. Whats happening, i know you are so super busy with work, i hope that things are going well for you these days..
I miss the days of the toffee coffee in cyberspace but things change, people change, situations change, something that is ever evolving, but i am always still thinking, wheres Carole, wheres Cat? Just saying hi and hoping to see a post from you sometime soon.. wishing you gamble free days and happinessP
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