[caribbean blue]

Hi

My husband is a compulsive gambler and has been struggling for close to 6 years. I have asked him many times to get help and go to counselling. I went into counselling myself and told him so and was trying to be as supportive as I could so we could both go into recovery. He would not go. Said yes then backed out. During covid it did get better as he gambles at the tables and the casino’s were closed. The past couple of months have gotten much worse with his outbursts and mood swings. I finally had it and told him that I wanted to split. He has not been around much and we don’t talk much either so it has been OK in that way.

Telling my parents everything was very hard. They knew he gambled and had a problem but once they knew the savings was gone, and credit card bills were stacking up it was not good. I was expecting more emotional support from them. They made me feel small, stupid and asks questions like “how could you love someone who does this”, “why would you stay”, “you can sure pick them”. It is embarrassing enough talking about this and struggling with splitting but to have this on top of it all is hard. They just don’t understand and I can’t teach them everything that I have learned since being in counselling. I know they are upset but I just don’t need the extra stress from them as well.

[velvet]

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ??
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ??
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

[velvet]

Hi CB

I hope you will soon walk tall and put these mind-blowing ignorant words behind you. I lived with the addiction to gamble in my family for 25 years without knowing what it was that was wrong. I am neither stupid nor small, I loved him for who he was, not for his addiction. He made sure that I did not know what his problem was because he knew enablement would stop. The result was that I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons. Fortunately nobody implied I was stupid or asked me why I loved him although I am aware that many people did not and never will understand.
There is no crystal ball to tell us what the future will hold but I hope that your estrangement will go some way towards bringing your husband to recovery – sadly many gamblers must hurt themselves a lot before they reach rock bottom.

However, whatever the outcome for your husband, you should be very proud that you had the courage to make a decision that is right for you. I am not embarrassed to talk about what happened to me and neither should you be, you neither asked for nor wanted his addiction.

Maybe you could say to your parents that you would like their support but you do not want to talk about what has happened. Perhaps they spoke in anger that you had been hurt by your husband and that they hadn’t saved you. If you had a good relationship with them before, then it will probably be worth salvaging – hopefully when they see that you are healthy, happy and living the life you want to live they will regret their lack of support.

I hope you will keep posting. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in a Friend’s and Family group on a Tuesday or Thursday 19.00 – 20.00 hrs UK time although I am taking a short break soon to catch up with family and old friends so I will not be facilitating on 24th and 31st August or 2nd September. I am here on Thursday 26th and then back again on September 7th – it would be great to communicate in real time, it is private and safe.

Velvet

[caribbean blue]

Hi

Thanks for the response and supportive words. I do feel myself getting stronger and not being around the drama that comes with my husband’s problem, I am less anxious.

My parents are helping me financially right now and I think that is the sore spot for them. They knew about the debt before we split but they did not have to do anything about it. Now I need their help to replace the money that my husband would put in. They have always had problems with emotional support. They don’t always listen that good and want to provide the advice even though they don’t know how to deal with addiction. They are very angry right now and I unfortunately get the brunt of it.

My dad keeps asking me when he will put money in for debt repayment. I say not sure but while he is actively gambling he probably will not. That is not a good enough answer though as he keeps asking.

The time the group is at is in the middle of the work day for me so I am not sure if I will be able to join. I will see how things go.

[velvet]

Hi CB

You certainly do not deserve the brunt of anyone’s anger.

Maybe the answer to the question about repayment of debt is that there is no point in keeping asking the same question when it is impossible to give a definitive answer.

The important thing is that you are retaking control of your life and you are healthy and less anxious. It is an unpleasant truth that many gambling debts are never repaid.

You have bravely closed a chapter; a new chapter has begun for you and I’m sorry your parents are not listening. I think you have to sit tight and hopefully take some reassurance from me that you are not alone. I will be here for you as long as you want me to be and I do understand.

Speak soon

Velvet

[caribbean blue]

Hi Velvet

I am thankful that there are people like yourself that do understand. You are a total stranger and I feel more support from you. My mom says she is reading more about it online but she does have a hard time understanding it all. It just seems so easy she says to just take his cheques and control his money. I don’t really talk to them about the gambling much anymore and just keep it to other things. It is not my responsibility my counsellor says to make them understand. I will just have to learn to let certain things go. She wants me to be nasty and spiteful but I don’t have the energy for that. I just want to be civil and get on with my life. One day at a time. Some days are OK and others are not so good.

Thanks for the kind words.

Talk soon.

[velvet]

Hi CB

If your mother wants to know why it is not easy for a compulsive gambler just to stop gambling or why you cannot save or control your husband, maybe she would like to join me in a group.

I am taking a short break until my next group on 7th September – I’m so sorry to be doing this when you are new and in need of support but you are in my thoughts. I think that being civil and getting on with your life sounds great – with such a brilliant attitude I am sure a happier future awaits you and I look forward to hearing your progress.
Our Helpline is also here for you – it is one-to-one and anonymous. You will be understood – as will your mother.

We will talk soon I’m sure.

Velvet

[caribbean blue]

Hi

Things with my parents have gotten better for the most part. Sometimes they do get frustrated as they things are not progressing or moving to slow. I have made changes in myself and do feel stronger. I am doing as much as I can about my self care. Recently I scheduled an appointment with the bank to get my name off his car loan and he did not even show up. This is the 3rd time I have rescheduled. He did not call or text. Is he just stringing me along? Right now he gives me the money for the car loan and I pay it but it can not stay like this for the remainder of the loan. One moment he wants the load and bank stuff done and then he cancels. His moods change so quickly and we don’t speak a lot so I don’t know where he is staying right now and if that is playing into his mood swings. Frustrating.

Thanks
CB

[velvet]

Hi CB

Good to hear that you are feeling stronger even if you are not completely clear of the associated worries.

Have you asked advice from the bank regarding the loan? Ae they aware that it is your husband loan and that he has a gambling addiction. Maybe if you could find out where you husband is, you could forward his address to the bank so that they can chase him, rather than you having to do it. It possibly feels a little underhand directing a creditor to your husband but a gambler, often needs to feel the pain of his actions before he will take responsibility.

I think he is probably not deliberately stringing you along, he is probably more likely to be putting actions or decisions off until tomorrow, hoping that something will turn up, or his luck will change, or you will back off and forget.

I’ve never asked you how you are feeling in yourself – it’s not easy ending a marriage that wouldn’t have been all bad. Love doesn’t just disappear although, I believe, it can be strangled slowly over time and that is possibly what has happened to you. Are you getting any support with your emotions, never mind the gambling? Do you have siblings? Are your friends supportive?

I agree, the frustrating is massive and it is impossible not to be impatient but finding yourself again can be very exciting and rewarding.

Speak soon

Velvet

[velvet]

It is so annoying when a group closes and you are still talking.

Please keep speaking, either in a group or on the forum or on our Helpline which is there for you – and your husband if he will accept he could do with support

[caribbean blue]

Thanks for the support Velvet. I have lost touch with friends over the years so my husband was the main person I talked to and hung out with. My friends and I lost touch way before he had a gambling problem. My counsellor helps as do my parents (for the most part). They are getting better. I do have a support group I phone in to. I just think I get impatient and want things to get done quicker than what is realistic. I do have to focus more on me and that can be hard as I am so use to focusing on him and his problem. Baby steps though. I am getting better at noticing that I am doing that.

Talk soon
CB

[velvet]

Hi CB

It certainly isn’t easy focussing on yourself when you have been giving another person all your attention. It is true of most of us who love someone with a gambling problem; gambling can be the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night even when we don’t actually own the problem. Over the years I have heard, time and time again, how difficult it is for members to say ‘no’ – I believe the word to describe us (I include myself in this) is people pleasers.

There is no need to become hard but a little hardening up can be good for us. I have a quote beside me that says ‘one day hopefully you may come to realise that this miserable experience might be the greatest education of your life’. I suspect you are educating your parents without realise it. In my opinion, If we all learn from the ghastly situations we found ourselves in then we will have kicked the addiction in the teeth and that pleases me.

So keep going with those baby steps and know that they are taking you onward and upward. Re-finding ourselves can be exciting, it’s a gradual long walk back, it can be exhausting and sometimes a bit scary but ultimately it is a walk back to life. I got there and I’m sure you will too.

Please keep posting

Velvet

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by velvet.

[caribbean blue]

Hi Velvet

This past week has been emotional for me. I am attending meetings and reading literature from Gam-Anon and Co-dependents Anonymous. This has brought up emotions and of course been a bit frightening. The worry and obsession with him and his addiction have taken over my life. Being 4 months apart now, I am starting to think clearer and my thoughts aren’t on him all the time. Not being around him and not communicating much with him, helps me greatly. I am focusing more on me and dealing with my emotions when they come up and reminding myself I need to “love the self” and “put myself first”. I need to let him go and let his Higher Power look after him. It is not my job. I really need to focus on self care and be really aware of my emotions. I do see an improvement in myself and I am proud of that.

Talk soon
CB

[velvet]

Hi CB

Was it really obsession with him, or were you not just trying to be a good wife, even when he wasn’t behaving well?

Worrying can certainly take over your your life but being able to look back and realise that none of the worrying made any difference, I think, helps to put it all into context.

I am wary of the term ‘co-dependent’. I think it is maybe something we feel we must have been when a loved one’s addiction has seemingly controlled ‘our’ lives. Hopefully, as you re-take control of your own life, will come understanding that it was his addiction seeking to control you and you are, in fact, not just ok but managing really brilliantly.

It is my belief that the longer you are apart from ‘gambling’ the less worry you feel for the gambler. You have recognised that it is down to him to control his life and that is a massive step forward.

I think you have every right to be proud of the improvement you see in yourself, although I suspect you were always good, you just lost your way in the fog.

So, to the future. Well if you continue as you are doing now I think you will eventually be in a better place than you have ever been. I believe that such a terrible experience has to be turned into something good or we have wasted years of our lives – and that thought must never be in contention..

Your parents have not been the most supportive although I suspect that, in their own way, they have done the best they could. Maybe seeing you emerge with renewed self-confidence and self-esteem, (which I am sure you will) will help them to appreciate you, as you deserve to be, I hope so.

Speak soon

Velvet

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by velvet.

[caribbean blue]

Hi Velvet, thanks for the support. My counsellor was the one to recommend co-dependents anonymous as I have behaviours I have developed with dealing with my sister and parents over the years. I have taken these behaviours into all my adult relationships and really need to look at how much I am willing to give up to be with a partner. The gambling did consume me and I did loose myself in the addiction. Putting myself first and learning to care and love me is my priority. I do really need to figure out a lot of stuff to have a more balanced life.

Thanks
CB

[velvet]

Hi CB

The forum is so quiet but I have looked at your post every day and rejoiced in your words – “Putting myself first and learning to care and love me is my priority.”

It takes time to figure out all the stuff that has held us back but every lightbulb moment is a moment to savour.

I found that keeping a strictly private journal helped me. I used to bash away on my computer every night, committing every angry, sad, destructive, guilty, confused, memory to paper. I kept the pages in a file knowing that it must never be read by anybody else but me. My grammar was appalling (as was my language); the colours changed; there were typos galore; lower case/upper case, nothing mattered apart from getting every horrible detail out of my weary mind. . As each crazy thought poured out of me, I felt relief. I no longer had to keep that particular memory swirling around in my head, clogging my brain, keeping me awake and holding me back – if I wanted to chew it over a million times again, it was there in black and white (or multi-hued) but I never felt the need.

As ‘my’ recovery progressed, I gradually destroyed the pages, burning them one by one, while saying things like ‘I am free of you, you will not hurt me again’. When the last page was gone, I knew that I would never allow the addiction to gamble to hurt my life ever again. Not only that but my thinking on other things that had given me pain and confusion became clearer and I vowed to rid myself of those things too. My self-confidence returned and was stronger than it had ever been, as was my self-esteem.

I only mentioned my concern about co-dependency because I went down that road and it was a dead-end for me, it didn’t take me forward. Your counsellor has the advantage of knowing you better in this regard and that is great.

I hope you will keep posting because I can hear how well you are doing and I want to hear more.

As Ever

Velvet

[caribbean blue]

Hi

For me reducing the amount I see, text and call my ex has been really good for me. I have been lonely for sometime in our marriage so not always communicating with him or seeing him has not been a big change for me. He has felt that change though and is angry by it. I don’t put him first anymore. I don’t make myself available to him as I did before. He does make wise cracks about me wanting “change”. I just smile to myself and carry on with the conversation. I am getting better with setting boundaries with him and being more assertive and sometimes he sees that as me being bitchy. I am just speaking my truth and he is not use to that.

I also keep a journal which I sometimes write harsh words and negatives thoughts but they need to come out and I find it healing. Some days I can feel sad, mad, bitter, and resentful. It makes for an exhausting day but I am dealing with the feelings instead of pushing them aside. Life for me has been isolating so I am looking into things to get me out of the house. It has been an eye opening journey so far.

Talk soon
CB

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