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i"m a compulsive gambler, it’s been going on for 10 years. I have lied to my husband, family, and friends to gamble.
My husband turns his head to my problem, as he has a severe drinking problem. I decided today, after a gambling binge that I do not want to live like this anymore. I went on the chat room tonight to get support. Thanks, Bettie and ddsroad for all the support!! Tommorrow I will be going to my first GA meeting! I’m scared and excited! This disease has cost me all of my savings, plus sleepless nights of worry. I don’t like myself right now. I’m a educated, smart woman, but I can’t control my gambling. I see how gambling has affected my relationships. I have put the gambling before my family, friends, and responsibilties. I sound pitiful right now. I don’t even know myself anymore. I want the old me back. I’m ready to fight this! Well thanks for listening! I want my self-respect back.Seize all the good things in life -
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Thanks Vera and Lynn, a few days away is just what I needed. I enjoyed being with my Mom and my Husband had a good time also. It is always nice to get home though. I’m going to work out tomorrow at Curves.My friend whom I exercise with already came over to remind me about tomorrow. It is good to have that support. Believe it or not, I did miss not working out. Next time, I will get a traveling pass soo I can work out when at my Mom’s. The next 3 weeks are going to be very busy for me. My Grandson will be staying with us Mon-Friday. His Mom ***** to study after work for the next 2 weeks, and then will be gone to Seattle for 1 week for her actual training class for work. She ***** to be able to get certified so she can get a promotion at work. So, I will be taking and picking him up during the week to his summer school camp. He will be spending the weekends with his Dad. This will give us some one on one time, and I can spoil him a little more. Ha Ha!!!! Anyways, it’s good to be back. I missed my friends here!! Hope everyone had a good day!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Pp, good to hear from you. I did my workout this morning. I did get through it. I bought a Britta waterbottle today, it has it’s own built in filter, as I don’t like the taste of the tap water here. Tastes too much like minerals. Carole, I can stop buying bottled water now, and stop polluting the environment with *******. Hubby and I are off to a RV show. When he retires in 4 1/2 years we want to buy a RV and travel during the hot summer months here. Carole, I can’t wait to visit you in a couple of months. It is going to be a blast!!! Have a great day everyone!!! Seize all the good things in life
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The RV Show was awesome. We (Hubby and I) agreed on the some one. A 30 foot Class A Motorhome. Of course we will be buying a used one with low mileage. It was exciting to know that this is reality, it is really going to happen. I took back over our finances over 1 month ago. We both agreed that it was in our best interest for me to pay the bills. He has been blowing alot of money, and now that he is on a allowance he is making his money stretch and last till the next payday. We set up a budget, we make enough to pay our bills, groceries, gas, and some extra. We are striving to be able to start saving money by the end of the year. Things are looking up financially, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels good that I can trust myself with money. When I have had some urges to gamble, I haven’t thought about taking money that is set aside for bills. I am getting stronger day by day. Day 210 GF, 124 no smoking!!!! I can’t believe I have come this far!!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Guest
Hi Lizbeth. Each morning I see a post off you on my thread but never get round to posting on yours. I am full of admiration for you, youve really got to grips with this recovery thing. Thanks for all the support you have offered to me over these last 6 months. This thread I’m sure motivates and inspires many of us, I’m sure of that. When I was behaving so patheticly you stood by me and offered great support, I’ve just been reading back my thread the support you offered me was first class, it might have fallen on deaf ears then, but believe me it has helped since.
What an inspiring lady you are. Thank you and well done on your big turn around.
Geordie.I dont gamble. -
Hey Lizbeth,
Wow….you have been busy. I have missed you and have thought of you often since my laptop was at the doctors.
Who would have thought we could have a life with no gambling in it? You are doing it and i am sooo proud of you. Not only that, but the steps you have taken to look after your health is nothing short of inspirational. I need to look to you and get of my bum before it wont fit in the chair anymore!!!!!
Hope to see you soon,
Love Kathryn ***
To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan -
HI Geordie and Kathryn, I have found my inspiration from all my friends here. I thank God that I found this site and all the support to help me in my recovery. Today is a blah day for me. Didn’t feel like walking this morning. I couldn’t sleep last night. As busy as I was yesterday, I thought I would sleep like a log. Oh well, I’m going to get up off my butt and go grocery shopping and get moving. I hope everyone has a great GF day!!!!Seize all the good things in life
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My workout went well this morning. Picking up my Grandson this afternoon from summer camp. Slept well last night! I was real busy yesterday cleaning, doing laundry, and grocery shopping. Looking forward to my trip to Canada (first time), in 2 months, to visit Carole. We really connected here on GT, and have decided to meet. How exciting is that!!! It was a hot one here yesterday, 104%. Good time for a dip in the pool, maybe that’s what my Grandson and I will do later today. Hope everyone has a GF day!!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Thanks Cat for the kind reply. I find that staying positive is soo much easier and productive than being negative. So, when I find myself down, I try to get out of it by thinking good thoughts. Hope that doesn’t sound too strange. I just find that it works for me. The garage sale was awesome. I suprised my Sister with some sweet tea, which she loves. I spent $25 and you wouldn’t believe what I got. 5 shirts which look like new, a pair of pants, 2 pair of shoes (which were brand new), 2 games for my Grandson, a purse, and my greatest find: a winter jacket (for when I go to my Mom’s), and I only paid $1 for it. I was soo thrilled! Little things excite me!!! My Husband and I went out to dinner (Mexican Food) It was nice to sit and have a conversation. It was really enjoyable for both of us. I really think that we don’t give each other enough time. After 28 years of marriage things get stale. We are going to try to take more time for each other. That is really progress for us!!! I didn’t get the flowers planted yet, so tomorrow we are going to work on it together. No thoughts of gambling!! Yeah!! One day at a time!!Seize all the good things in life
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I’m trying to get motivated today. Need to go to store for some potting soil. I just got off the phone with my Mom ( 1 hour) and it was an emotional conversation. Still having relationship issues with my oldest Daughter. She’s very hurtful and rude, very it’s all about me. My Grandson is in the middle of this. My Daughter started a arguement with me in front of him, and I didn’t react the way I should of. I should of just left because she was out of control. It was ugly. I apologized to my Grandson and told him that it would never happen again. I know that I made mistakes as a parent, I’m not perfect. But my children always came first. Now, my Daughter who is in her 30’s blames me for everything that is wrong in her life. I have listen to her and tried to relate to what she’s feeling, but I don’t get it and I’m not going to shoulder the blame for alll of her issues. She seems very, very angry!! It’s very complicated. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells with her. It’s like I’m in a no win situation. I listen to her but she doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. Sorry about the ranting, just had to get it off my chest!! My Husband is getting tired of her attitude and supports me fully. It’s all compl;icated and a long story. We raised my Grandson the first 2 years of his life because of addiction issues with my Daughter and his Father. Thank God they both went to rehab and continued counceling and have been clean for 4 years and are both parenting him now. I know my Daughter lost alot of time with her son, but she has alot of hostility and jealousy towards us. We need to work through this and come to some kind of resolution. There is alot of tension!!! I’m happy to say that this didn’t trigger any gambling issues!! I think having my Husband’s support help me. Going to get off the sofa and to the store. Have a great gamble free today!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear Liz! Sorry to hear the content of your post. I would have thought that your daughter would have got past the point of blaming others after 4 years in recovery. I know that her life would be a lot harder were it not for the practical support you give her. Most grandparents don’t look after their grandkids even close to the level that you have. It’s unfortunate that she can’t see the gift that you have given her and her son, and appreciate it. We can’t change people only how we react to them, and don’t be hard on yourself because you didn’t react the way you would have wanted to. None of us are perfect! Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Happy Recovery Day! Carole
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I’m having a great day! My car is done, new struts, and it drives beautifully. I finished cleaning today, and I’m making dinner right now so we can just pop it in the microwave tonight. Picking up my Grandson from school today and he is spending the night. I am having Easter here this Sunday. I have the ham but need to go to the store tomorrow for the rest of the dinner. My Sister is bringing her cloud salad, one of my favorites and my Grandma’s receipe. We are expecting 10 people, and all say they are coming. Grandson and I wll color eggs on Thusday. Keeping busy!!! No urges! Have a great gamble free day everyone!! Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth, what is a cloud salad? Is it a bright cloud or dark cloud LOL, sorry my silly sense of humour. I am so envious that you have your grandson close to you. I have two Grandsons they are turning 5 and 2 next month, but it’s 2 x 2.5 hour flights to get there. We do Skype, but I can’t get to give them hugs through the computer. We are going to see them in July… I can’t wait. We saw them 4 ***** for two weeks each time last year. I think we will only get 3 trips out this year. When I hear you say you are colouring eggs with your Grandson that is the type of things I miss doing with my Grandson. Wishing you a day free of gambling and a wonderful recovery day. P.S. Hubby is not drinking as much and I notice that it makes a difference to how I feel. It is causing him too many stomach problems.One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Hi! A cloud salad is cool whip, pineapple, and fresh cranberries, and it is a bright cloud. LOL!! You put it in a blender until all the cranberries are chopped up . Yummy!! I had a good but busy day. Took my Grandson to school and went and worked out. Then I drove across town to take my Nephew to the bank to start a checking and savings account, and out to lunch. Dropped him off and went to the grocery store to pick up the rest of the food I need for Easter dinner. Now I’m tired. Whew!!! Thank goodness that we have plenty of leftovers for dinner. Got to tell you a cute one. On the way to school this morning, I asked my Grandson what he would like for dinner on Thursday. He said baked chicken thighs and legs, mashed potatoes, and green beans. He just turned 6. Well, at least he knows what he likes, and he didn’t say ice cream and candy! Had a scare with my pc today. It wouldn’t shut down, it has never done that before. I had to unplug it and take out the battery pack and force it to shutdown. I was soo scared that it wouldn’t boot back up when I plugged it in, but it did!!!!! Going to catch up on threads and relax the rest of the day. By the way, my flowers I planted on Sunday are doing great and they look fantastic on the patio. Have a great gamble free day everyone!!Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth,
I’m not posting much these days. I’m still as a board! My head feels like it weighs 20 pounds and the back of my neck hurts too! Dr apoligised 2x about not getting me off the 2nd pill sooner, He says I should be feeling better – in about a week! Oh well this too shall pass.
Glad to see you posting and your grandson sounds cute as a button!
Glad u are back!
bettie -
Thanks forthe post Bettie. Get well soon! Noting much going on today. Going to the dentist, have to go every month to have gums checked and have teeth relined. It was one of the best things I did for myself. Picking up Grandson from school and he is spending the night and no school Friday, so he will be here till Mom gets off work. We will color eggs, fun!!! Take care everyone and have a great gamble free day!Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth
Good you are going to the dentist, i think a common thing for us cg’s is to neglect to do things like that for a long time and good to see that you are today. You have done very well with this recovery lizbeth, i only hope i can get there too some day. Mentioning the dentist always reminds me of colin in brum. Whatever is he doing these days i wonder.
Living with Hope -
Thanks for the post Hope!! Yeah, what happened to Colin? I had a awesome day!! My Grandson and I played with some of the kids who live here this afternoon. After dinner, we colored and decorated egg, soo much fun. He just fell asleep after a warm bath and a few bedtime stories. Love, love, love. He is spending most of Friday with me (no school). We are going on a walk tomorrow and of course playing cars, his favorite thing to play. Today the weather was fantastic, 80 degrees with a slight breeze. What else can you ask for. Good night, and sweet dreams.Seize all the good things in life
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Recovery suits you lisbeth and in ur posts there is no despair or anguish or confusion. You are not tormented because of gambling anymore.
When i read your posts i read Freedom.
I dont know you personally ofcourse- but by what you have written here it seems you are enjoying life’s simple beautiful gifts- and dealing with all the ‘stuff’ as best you can- but u sound un-burdened. (if this makes sense?)
Your posts are inspirational to read- about how your recovery does become about your life- and everything positive and wonderful in it- and embracing those things- sometimes we cant see that evolution will take place when we are at the start of the process and still in the midst of the emotional storm- and the gambling has its claw in us. We cannot see beyond the struggle. But your posts show the light at the end of the tunnel- and how carefree and happy our focus can be after the storm settles.
Really inspiring to read- and hope you continue forward with a life free of gambling. -
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Woke up early, can’t sleep. Grandson is asleep and Hubby just left for work. Hubby has his compression stockings now and is wearing one on the left leg where the stents were placed. He wore it all yesterday and when he took it off before bed, the swelling was gone. He is feeling better. Yesterday he went out to lunch to Mcdonalds with Grandson and I. A big shocker as he doesn’t ever want to go anywhere. Grandson was soo happy. Nothing going on here. We did have a nice storm yesterday afternoon. But it has been real humid here, so we are staying inside alot. I bought a new book," Chicken soup for the Soul, Shaping the new you,". I need some motivation as I started dieting yesterday. I am going to lose this 25lbs. Another lifestyle change!!! I hope everyone has a great gamble free day!!! Going to lay down and see if I can go back to sleep. Take care!!Seize all the good things in life
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Doing well on my diet, 4 days now. Grandson and I are going to a new bookstore today, then to Michaels to get some new crafts to do. Maybe Mcdonalds for lunch, I can get a salad. LOL!!! We had to cut out the Wii for awhile as he is getting soo obsessed with it. Isn’t it strange how addicted we can get to things even as a child? I was limiting his time playing and we have always been careful to what he has watched on TV and he can’t watch it for more than 2 hours daily. He told me that he thought he was addicted to it!!! From the mouths of babes!! So we will do some craft things and work on his Lego ship he picked out while we were on vacation. Going to get myself together so we can get out and about before it gets too hot!! Hope everyone has a great gamble free day!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear Liz! Checking in with you to see what you’ve been up to. I can’t believe how well you manage a lot of stress in your life. Losing weight dieting, in the midst of lots of stress. You seem so disciplined since you gave up gambling. Good to hear that your hubby is feeling better and getting around better. Maybe he will feel even better after he has his second surgery, and will want to participate in activities with you and your grandson more often. I feel like I’m coming down with a cold but morning will tell- coughing and sniffling and tired. Good night friend! Carole
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Well Carole, I blew up today. My Daughter and I got into a big one. The private school my Grandson got into isn’t all that she thought it was. Both her and my son-in-law are big procrastinators. They waited until one week till school starts to find a school for him. I recommended a school in our neighborhood that I was told about from another Grandparent and I asked her 3 months ago to look into charter schools. They are state ran, free, small classes, and some are highly recommended. She never listened. Now she tried to blame me for the whole school fiasco. What the heck??? I told her that she dropped the ball and to stop blaming me for all the things that go wrong in her life. I honestly don’t think that I can have her live with me. I think that she ***** to seek some help for her bi-polar issues. My poor Grandson is stuck in the middle of this!!! I really wanted to eat a gallon of ice cream this evening!! LOL!!! I have the worst headache right now. I have to deal with her to see my Grandson. Oh boy!!! Hoping that everyone has a great gamble free day!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear Liz! Seems like your daughter has reverted to her old behaviors of not taking responsibility for her decisions. There has to be some sort of solution other than her living with you for a couple months while she gets enough money together to get a place of her own. She has a job and works long hours. What is she spending her money on? What about if you take your grandson in for a couple of months and leave your daughter to find a place to stay for those few months with friends, etc. Best not to punish your grandson because of his mother’s nasty behavior. Do you know if she ***** you to look after your grandson for personal or work related reasons? Carole
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I told her no. Carole, she wanted to have a night out with her friends. I watched him last Friday night so she could go out. So, my Grandson’s Dad showed up to pick him up this afternoon. It’s not that I don’t want him here, it’s that she should be spending time with him. I am tired!!! She is a complusive shopper, that’s why she isn’t saving any money. She has a 2 bedroom apt full (and I mean FULL). She also has a storage unit (big) full of stuff. She would never let my Grandson live here as she would feel like she has lost control. She has been going to councelling for a long time. When she is angry, I hear that everything that has been wrong in her life is my fault. I don’t think I was a perfect Mom. I was a young Mom, 19 years old. But I always tried to do my best!!! Anyways, he was glad to see his Dad. They had a early dinner here and we played a few board games before they left. He told me that he would see me tomorrow. I had to tell him that it was the weekend and Mom and Dad were off, so I would see him on Monday. I am soo tired of him being in the middle of her mess!!!! I am mentally drained and I need to vegg the rest of today. Tomorrow I will get the condo back into order and clean while Hubby is at work. Didn’t mean to rant soo much. Hope everyone has a great gamble free day!! Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear Liz! Well good for you for saying no. We all know that you love that little guy dearly, so no one would ever say that it was because you didn’t want him there. Nice that his Dad showed up and you all had dinner together and played some board games before they left. So it seems that your daughter traded one addiction for another. If she is compulsively shopping, she isn’t going to save any money while staying at your place. Maybe she has a large debt load from all that shopping, like credit card debt. Maybe she’s on the way to becoming a hoarder as well. Maybe it’s time to stop enabling her. You could make it clear to her that you don’t think that her moving to your place would work for either of you, but that you would be willing to take care of your grandson till she can establish a place of her own. She seems to have a lot of friends. Maybe she can go stay with them and save money. Having your grandson is more than a fulltime job, and I know I couldn’t do it due to age, fatigue, etc. Why can’t she sell some of her "stuff" and get the money for a damage deposit and first month’s rent. It’s all about choices! Seems like she cares more about her "stuff" than her son. That’s very sad! Some might see taking in your grandson as enabling, but I see it as protecting him. Your daughter ***** to start taking responsibility for herself and she won’t do that until she is forced to, or refuses to do it. I had my first baby at 19 too and I was far from the perfect single Mom, but it is what it is. Your daughter has to deal with her issues and move on, just like the rest of us. My 2 cents Liz! Carole
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Thanks Carole!!! I totally agree and get what you are saying. We all have to make our own choices. I feel like I have been protecting my Grandson all of his life. And that will not stop. I have been enabling her in ways, and I can stop that. I feel I must and this is the time to for me to start. I am off to a slow start this morning. Need to get some things done around here. Need more caffine!!LOL!!! Have a good gamble free day everyone!!Seize all the good things in life
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I am having trouble sleeping. I am soo filled with anger right now!! To make a long story short, my Hubby is friends with the man who is leasing the condo next door to us. The man upstairs from us has just recently got on the board (HOA), and it has gone to his head. He has it out for our next door neighbor, don’t know why. And he started a nasty rumur about him. I stood up for the guy as I know he is *****. So, because of me standing up for him and my Husband being friends with him, he and his wife are no longer talking to us. I am fine with that because the guy is arrogant and insulting. But he has a son 2 years older than my Grandson and they like to play together. Well, now he is not letting his child play with him. I tried to explain to my little guy that sometimes adults act more like children that children do. Anyways, it’s a bad situation. Why do people have to act soo crazy?? It’s just hurting the children. I need to release this anger and move on. Thanks for listening and if you have any suggestions about how to handle this situation please feel free to post!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Went to my Grandson’s school’s open house this afternoon with his Parents. I like his teacher, she seems very caring and kind. This is a new school for him and I really liked it. He starts on Monday, so we have a few days to spend some time together doing fun stuff. Everyone had dinner at our house. I can’t wait for summer to be over as it was 115% here today. Way too hot!! Going to bed, tired. Hope everyone had a great gamble free day!!! Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life
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I had a good day with my Grandson. We went out for lunch, pizza, and played games there. He is starting school on Monday. It is soo hot here it’s hard to be out there too long. Trying to find things to do inside. Said NO again to my Daughter today. She wanted me to bring my Grandson home when she got home from work, as she had a long day and was tired. It was rush hour time and she lives a good 25 mins from me. I told her to pick him up on her way home. She only had to get off the freeway and go 10 mins out of her way. Hey, it felt good saying NO! Guess what, I was tired too!! Being the people pleaser, letting others walk all over me is going to stop. Yeah!!! Hope everyone had a great gamble free day!!Seize all the good things in life
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Got up early and took some DVD’s back and ran a few errands before it gets too hot here. Hubby came home early from work, Saturday is a slow day. I wasn’t too happy to see him. I don’t have any feelings towards him anymore. His drinking and lack of consideration towards me or anyone has done a number on me. I care about him as a human being but I don’t have any intimate feeling towards him. It is like living with a roommate. I finally said it, I have been holding this in for sometime now. Wow, it feels great to say how I really feel. Tomorrow, I am going to spend the day with my Sister and oldest Nephew. Maybe we can go out for lunch. My diet hasn’t been too successful, one day I’m good the next day I blow it!!! I haven’t been able to go to Curve’s for 3 weeks as I have been watching my Grandson while his parents work. Monday, I will start back on my exercising regime. I know that will get me motivated and hopefully I can stay on course. I have tons of gambling urges today!!! I am trying soo hard not to act on them. I need to stay busy and remember the aftermath of gambling. Take care everyone!!Seize all the good things in life
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Welcome to the roommate club Lizbeth. I’ve been living that way for a long time now. It takes some getting used to but I’ve found that when you recognize the fact that the love and desire is gone it also takes away a bit of the anger and I’m able to cope better. I didn’t realize that school was starting already, I thought it didn’t start until the first week of September. You and I are in like situations since we’re both living with someone who has their own addictions. Just remember to keep taking care of yourself. Debbie
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Thanks Vera and ican for your posts. My Hubby had his second round of chemo today. His white cell ***** went up and the platelets went down, but not enough to stop the chemo. He goes in for a ct-scan in 2 weeks, if the tumor has shrunk he will have his 3rd round of chemo, if not, he isn’t doing any more chemo. He got a prescription for some cough medicine with codine. Hopefully, he will have some relief tonight and we will get some sleep. He is also experiencing some shortness of breath, which goes along with the lung cancer. It was a long day and we were glad to get home. One of the nurses gave him a homemade quilt (throw) to bring with him while he gets chemo. He really appreciated it as he is cold all the time. The 2 chemo rooms were full today with people getting treatment. We talked to some nice people and they had us laughing, it made the 3 hours go by more quickly. Ican, I have been to the lung cancer support group only once, but I am going to go back as the people there were very nice and supportive. Thanks to you all for your support. I will never be able to tell you how much it means to me.Seize all the good things in life
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Thanks cat, Both my Husband and I slept well last night. I think the codine is knocking him out as I checked on him this morning and he was really sleeping hard. I went this morning and gased up the truck and did some shopping at Walmart. It was soo nice just to get out of the house and I didn’t have to rush. One of our neighbors came over and visited with my Husband while I was gone. I don’t like to leave him alone for long as he is soo weak and sometimes unstable on his feet. He has a walker and cane to use, but doesn’t most of the time. We talked and agreed that his driving days are over. He is accepting his limitations more and I think is out of the denial stage. I know this is very hard on him. He didn’t have any side effects with the first dose of chemo, and soo far isn’t having any with the second dose. We have the anti nausea ***** if he ***** them. I guess he is more fatigued today. I thought of gambling today as it was payday for both of us. Instead, I paid the bills, ect… I did spluge on a top (clearance for $5) when I went shopping. I am not going to throw away our money at the casino as we need to hold on to every bit we have. I will not gamble today!!Seize all the good things in life
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Thanks neva for the post. I couldn’t sleep last night, kept waking up. Hubby is sleeping much better with the new medicine. I did get away for a few hours yesterday and it did help. But I woke up realizing that this week was a tough one. Hubby only worked 6 hours this week and he is starting to go down mentally and physically. He couldn’t remember a women’s name who has lived in our condo complex for years. He kept on calling her Jackie, and no Jackie has ever lived here. When I said her real name, he still didn’t remember, I could have said any name. He was in a angry **** again yesterday and refused to eat. It is soo hard to see someone you care for deteriating right in front of you. I am taking care of everything now, him, our finances, house, cars. It is overwhelming. I pray for God to help me have the strength to get through this and not lose my mind. We see the Dr. again in 2 weeks and I am asking for him to put the order in for hospice. I think I need help. I did feel like gambling and to be honest, I want to gamble right now. But I don’t have the money, and I know it is just a fast fix for alll the emotional stuff I am going through. It is not the answer! Today, I need to get a new battery put in the truck and it ***** a reall good cleaning. I need to ask anyone out there that has been in my situation (with Hubby’s health). Did you ever feel resentful of the situation? Sometimes, I just want to get as far away as I can. I am not going to gamble today!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Guest
Hi Lizbeth: First let me say that I am so sorry for what you and your husband are enduring right now. You are being incredibly strong. Please stay that way and avoid gambling because you truly need to feel all the emotions that you are feeling right now. It will help with the healing process eventually. You asked if anyone had felt resentful as a caregiver. I have not personally gone through this with my husband, but my mother-in-law spent the last two years caring for my father in law who had cancer as well. He went through a massive amount of emotions and LOTS of anger, also refusing to eat and chasing my mother in law away when she wanted to assist. She had to get away, and often, so she accepted the help of everyone in the family who offered help. Sometimes, she went away for whole weekends with her siblings, so she could feel a bit normal again. What you’re going through is SO hard … a real test of your strength. You will only get through it in one piece if you take extremely good care of yourself. The saying that you can’t care for anyone unless you care for yourself first is very, very true in this situation. You are not being selfish if you need time away, remember that. Take the hospice care, get family, friends, neighbours … anyone at all to help so that you can have a few "normal" hours as often as you can. I will remember you and your husband in my prayers. Love, RG
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Dear Lizbeth, a close friend of mine is going through something similar to you right now. Her daughter is at the pallative stage of her cancer. She is living with her, her daughter’s husband and their 11 month old twins. I know that my friend said it is trying sometimes as her daughter can be difficult to live with, on top of that she is looking after the babies so it is a very difficult time for her. I know that she ***** time away just to regroup and get away from it all so it sounds quite normal what you are going through. I don’t think any of us can appreciate or understand what it is like unless we have gone through it or lived it. It is different for someone to go and visit for an hour or so as we then go back to our own life. However, to be continually in that environment must be so challenging for you. I think the anger thing for the person with the cancer is normal as well, as my friend’s daughter is like that as well. Although she has been having lots of pain and that obviously has an impact as well. One thing I would suggest is spend as much time as possible with your little Grandson as it is amazing how the little ones can lift your spirits. I will remember you and your hubby in my prayers. Look after yourself Lizbeth as this is a very emotional time and grab all the help and support that you can to get you through!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Hey Lizbeth
It is very challenging being a carer. You need to definately take time out for you for some relaxation. If you dont you will go insane.. It is normal to need time away. Then you are in a much healthier frame of mind when you return for both yourself and your hubby. Can you do something really nice, get your hair done or something that is special and relaxing to you. Take time out with a book, movie, fave food. Thinking of you and think you are going through something really huge!!
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Thanks RG, Cat, and P for your posts today. Thanks for your replys, I will take care of myself and I don’t have a problem asking other’s in my support group eg, family, friends, for help so I can get away. Just getting out does help me from going insane. I have that superwoman complex, but this is not the time, and I realize that. Cat, I really feel for your friend and her daughter. That must be soo hard caring for her daughter and 11 month old twins. God bless her!! Hubby is having a hard day, he is sleeping again. My neighbor put a new battery and windshield wipers on the truck for me today. Since I will be driving it for awhile till I can get my car repaired I need it top shape. I took it to the car wash and cleaned it real good, and my neighbor came and visited with Hubby. I got a call this afternoon from my Husband’s co-worker. He locked himself out of the building and needed back in. I drove down and let him in with Hubby’s keys. I guess my Husband having lung cancer has caused him to stop smoking. He has been 3 weeks smoke free now. That almost made me cry, that is a good, positive thing to come out of his illness. RG- I do feel like I am being tested. We live in a condo, and have a condo above us. In the last month, they have had 2 pipes burst, which caused flooding in our condo. It caused minimal damage, which is being fix, but a big mess to deal with. Then my car breaking down. But that is life, you have to deal with it and move on. P, I will take your advice and get a pedicure next week, it’s been awhile. I have to get my mammagram, and physical next week. I thought of putting them off, but I need to take care of my health and that would be crazy to put them off. It is 84% here today, beautiful. I am going to sit outside and get some sun, that always makes me feel better. Take care everyone.Seize all the good things in life
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Today is a good day. The weather here is lovely, 76% and overcast. Hubby just grilled some hamburgers. It has been a long time since he’s grilled. It’s something he has always enjoyed doing. I am finishing up laundry and cleaned up a little around here. Going to vegg the rest of the day. Hope everyone is having a great gamble free day!!!Seize all the good things in life
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I drove my Husband to work today. He wanted to try and work, so I took him. It was soo said to watch him struggle to get in the truck and move slowly up the steps to his workplace. I don’t know what to do as there is no book or guide to tell you what you are supposed to do when someone you love is terminally ill. He wants to have a purpose and his job has been a big part of his life. I understand, but when is it enough? Last week, he worked 6 hours. Today he was animated that he try to work. I guess, it will be a day to day decision, and at some point he will just be unable to go. This is really hard. I am going through alot of emotions right now, loneliness, depression, anger, grief, isolation. I can’t even begin to understand what must be going through his mind. I need to remember to be kind, loving, and happy for the time we have now. My oldest Daughter and Grandson came over for dinner last night. Hubby was glad to see them. It help me too, to have family around. This is a journey I must travel, and hopefully I will learn something from it. It would be easy for me to gamble now, but I have made sure that monies have gone to pay bills. Seize all the good things in life
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Just got back from taking Grandson to school. He spent the night and it does help having him around. We laugh alot and that’s good. Hubby was exhasted from work yesterday and is still sleeping. The last 10 days, I have seen a dramatic decline. He is sleeping more, barely eating, and moving real slow. There has also been a decline in his mental health, he acts confused alot. We need to schedule the lung ct-scan before his next chemo on the 21st of this month. Then it’s time for hospice. I tell him everything that is going on, example going on hospice, but I don’t know how much he is understanding. We talked about retirement, and he agreed it was almost time. Retirement takes 2 to 3 months from start to finish. He has enough paid leave to cover 5 weeks as he has used alot already. We should have the money from the insurance policy around then or a little later. We will manage somehow and make it through. One day and one step at a time is how we live. I am not having urges today to gamble. I nee to make some phone calls and run a few errands. Take care everyone and have a great gamble free day!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. I can only imagine as I have worked with caregivers and it is lonely, stressful, and isolating for them. I’m amazed that you aren’t stressed out all of the time. It’s a challenge to manage everything concerning your life together as well as your husband dying before your eyes, and I suspect that you don’t have the time or luxury to deal with your own feelings at this time. You are doing what ***** to be done and I commend you for being able to keep it together. You are an amazing woman with a lot of strength. Carole
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Thanks Carole for your supportive post. Friends (like you) and family members are really helping me stay strong by the support and posiive thoughts that you are sending me. My youngest daughter came for a visit today. It was good to have her here. Hubby has always had a soft spot in his heart for her. She kept it together until she left the room and lost it. It had been 2 weeks since she had seen him last and she was upset on how he has deterioated. Both of the girls are coming around more, and it is good for us and them. His CT-scan is scheduled for the 14th of this month. So, we will know more about how the tumor is reacting to the chemo then. He has slept most of the day. He had a ice cream sandwich today. I don’t care what he eats as long as he eats something. It is really strange, as he has never had a sweet tooth and now he loves sweets. Carole, I am trying to deal with my feelings as I try to go online to a cancer support group when I can. I can’t fall apart now, there is soo much to do. I have my moments, usually at night when he is sleeping and I’m alone, usually when we’ve had a bad day. It isn’t going to get better only worse. I’m sure when it is all over, the feeling will surface and I will need grief counceling. My oldest daughter brought over a few books for me on grief which I found really enlightening. I am tired today, going to see if I can take a nap. Take care everyone.Seize all the good things in life
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((((Lizbeth)))) sometimes what we need more than words is a hug so hope that this one reaches you through cyberspace. I know my friend’s daughter is "living with cancer" not "dieing with cancer" and one thing she said that really had an impact on me was "After crying for days once she was told there was no treatments that the only thing she had control over was how she spent the time she hass". I just thought what strength. My heart aches for her and her family. The same as it does for your and your family. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. Enjoy the gift of every day that you have with your hubby!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks Cat for the hugs. People don’t know what to say to you when it involves CANCER. Some***** a hug can carry you on, especially when you are havinga bad day. I’ve been up since 4:30, waking Hubby up so he could try to go to work. He is too tired, he is still sleeping. I don’t know if the quality of his life is that great as he sleeps most of the time. The one thing that I am very thankful for is that he is not experiecing any pain. I got my yearly mammagram and they already e-mailed me saying that everything looks fine. Thank God! My oldest Daughter came by yesterday after work and brought a picture of my Husband and Grandson from our vacation last summer. They are standing on the beach with the ocean behind them. She blew it up to a 8 by 10. So, I put it in a frame and it is sitting on his dresser. I am also grateful that my oldest Daughter completed a rehab stay recently and is going to outpatient counceling 3 ***** a week, 3 hours each time, after work. She is also going to support group meetings 3 nights a week. I think that this time she is really serious about staying off the *****. This time I see a difference in her, a light shining all around her. So, I do have positives in my life and hope. Hope everyone has a great gamble free day!!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear Liz –
I have had some problems accessing this site so couldn’t send you a message fo a long time, although I wanted to. You have been much in my thoughts, I admire your positive outlook. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to be facing the challenges you are. I hope you have good family support from friends and family so you can look after yourself. I wish I could be there to help out. Hugs to you, take care..
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Hi Lizbeth, Sending you prayers of comfort. I remember, too, being aware and appreciative of the simple things of life that surrounded me as my mother was dying. One such thing, was a family of swans that were swimming in the lake we could see from my mother’s hospital room. Every day I looked forward to seeing the swans swim by. After she ****, someone sent us a sympathy card with a picture of a lake filled with swans. I also found a picture of a swan in a National Geographic magazine that was in flight. I glued that picture to the image of the swimming swans. The flying swan represented my mother moving on to a better place…free from this world and moving on to the next…for me it was a comforting, beautiful image, not unlike the picture of your husband and grandson. An image representing life. No matter what, we can always cherish and honor life. I am honored that you are sharing these moments of your life with us, Lizbeth. God bless you and your family.
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Thanks Sherrie, Reds, and Ican for your caring posts. Both of the girls are coming around more to spend time with us. My youngest came tonight with a miniture pink rose bush that we are going to plant and some ice cream sandwiches as that has become one thing that my Hubby will eat. Her and I were sitting outside and she broke down crying because he has lost soo much weight in the last 2 weeks. I told her to look at the positive that he wasn’t in pain. It is a blessing. I was coming home from the Dr’s today and a old Michael Jackson song came on the radio," You are not alone. I cried all the way home. " I started journaling when we found out he had cancer. It helps me to get my emotions and feeling out and when he passes I will have those memories down on paper. This bad thing has brought my family closer together and for that I am grateful. Seize all the good things in life
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Hi lizbeth,
I wanted you to get this info, caring for the caregiver
https://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/
Thinking about you
bettie
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Lisbeth,
Lifes problems seem small compared to what you and your family are going through. When someone is dying the stress and constant worry is horrific, life seems to come to a stand still and yet others around us keep on living and doing the same things we always did. I am so pleased to read of your daughters progress in her own recovery. It seems your family is coming together, which can be such a blessing. Lizbeth, i cant do much but i want you to know that i think of you almost every day.
You are an amazing woman, i am honoured and blessed to know you.
Im happy to read your husband is pain free. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are going through this too.
Love to you,
Kathryn *****
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Thanks Bettie for the info, and thanks to both you and Kathryn for keeping us in your thoughts. Thanks to everyone here for your support and thoughts as it helps me to stay strong. Grandson spent the night and his allergies are horrible. He is staying home with us today. Hubby coughed alot last night and is still sleeping. I am going to have to wake him in a few hours as we still haven’t received that packet from the insurance co. I think it may have been missent. What a hassel, but something that we are ******** on to keep us going financially at some point when Hubby runs out of vacation time and sick leave, appx. 6 weeks. As retirement takes 3 months to complete. I asked Human resources if they could speed up hs retirement under the circumstances. And of course they said no. I am not asking for special treatment as I don’t think he will be here in 3 months. After 34 years with the same company, I guess he is just a body to them. Also, someone he works with (only 6 of them and they’ve been together for 15 years) complained to the supervisor that he wasn’t doing one function of his job. So, the last time we saw the Dr., I asked him for a note, and he said that he didn’ want him dealing with the public anyways because of the risk of infection. I retired from the same company and I always went out of my way to help co workers who were ill, or had terminal illnesses. Shame on them! Kathryn you are soo right, when I am here with Hubby, it’s like we are in our own world, isolated, and when I go to the store, ect… people are rushing around, living life. It is like our life has come to a stand still. Every moment has become important. I haven’t been thinking of gambling the last few days. So much going on here. Take care everyone and have a great gamble free day!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! Hard to believe the insensitivity of some people in your husband’s workplace! Sorry that you have to go through that. Being forced to quit a job and go into "retirement" is a huge loss for most men. When a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there are many losses that occur along the way for that person. I have heard the uncontrollable coughing of people diagnosed with lung cancer. As tragic as my brother’s death was, it did reconcile many family of origin relationships. I had had no contact with my mother for almost two decades. We now have a friendly relationship. It’s good to hear that your daughter is seeking recovery, and that you’ve all become closer. That was the silver lining in my brother’s death. Carole
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Hi ((Lizbeth)). All I can say is thank you for your kindness, caring and compassion for me while you are going through such a rough time. Reading what you are dealing with and then realizing that you took time to reply to my post —– it shows what a special person you truly are. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Pumkin
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Thanks Carole and Pumkin for your posts. Today is not a good day for Hubby. I had to call the Doctor and get some pain meds for him as he is experiencing abdomenial pain. My Newphew and Daughter’s boyfriend came and hauled off my old living room sectional couch, and my car. I am going to put the hopital bed in the living room so he has the large picture window to look out of. Mt Daughter’s boyfriend is a mechanic and he told me he would fix my car for the parts, no labor charges. He told me I could pay him when I had the money. He told me not to say no as he wanted to do this for me. I was soo thankful!!! Carole, I hope the person at the workplace who complained about my Hubby, never has to experience the things my Hubby has. He is never going back to work, and that was a large part of his life. It is heartbreaking to watch. He does cough uncontrollably, especially at night. The prescription cough medicine doesn’t help anymore. I have to prop him up with ******* and he sleeps upright. Please pray for us! I know it isn’t going to get better. Pumkin, I always have time to post to you. You are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself. Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth: I will pray for peace and comfort for your husband. And I’m wishing strength for you and the ability to lean on those who can and want to help. I think that it’s lovely that your daughter’s boyfriend insisted on helping you. Just say yes … to every offer of help. It’s what my MIL did and what kept her sane in the two years of helping my FIL. I hope your husband has a lovely view from the picture window and that the sun shines on him every day. Love, RG
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Thanks RG, i will stop being soo stubborn and accept other’s help. My oldest Daughter is spending the afternoon with us. Her boss lost his Mother to lung cancer, so he is very understanding and told my Daughter she could have any time off work to be with her Dad. It took 2 trips to the pharmacy to get Hubby’s pain meds. The weather here is terrible. Severe rain, wind, and hail. He took his new heartburn medicine and the pain pill and is ***** down. I am hopeful that this will give him some relief. I have nothing to sit on in my living room. Was going to go to a second hand store and try to find a loveseat or recliner. My Sister called and her work is having their annual garage sale, and it’s always a big one. She is going to see what they have and give me a call. All I have to do is go get it and my Daughter and her boyfriend said they would go over this weekend and pick up the loveseat or recliner for me!!! It seems like people are coming forward to help us, and I deeply appreciate it!!! Take care everyone!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear Lizbeth, I asked my friend whose daughter has cancer (she has pallative care nurses come in daily to help with pain meds etc.,) how she manages to deal with it. She said that she deals with it one day at a time. She gets up in the morning and depending how her daughter is dictates what will happen that day. Her daughter may be able to go out for an hour or so or she may spend her day lieing on the couch. I know that her daughter is in pain as I can see it in her face. I can also see how she is spaced out at ***** with the pain meds. She is fighting to enjoy every day that she has. On top of this my friend is looking after the twins who will be one year old this month. The other grandparents took the babies for a few nights and I know that my friend told me she had to get out the house today. I suppose what I am saying is that she is the carer, although her daughter has a husband, and she ***** a break from being the carer. I know you mentioned just going out and doing something helped give you a break, please take as many breaks as you can. Family and friends want to help as they feel so helpless and want to help lighten your load, so accept all the help that anyone offers. It is so wonderful that your daughters and son-in-law are helping. Thinking of you and saying a prayer for you and your family. One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Lizabeth, I’m sorry to hear that your husband’s co-worker was complaining. That is shocking that they wouldn’t have compassion and do what they can to help him. But, it sounds like you have good people in your life too. Hope the furniture brightens your life a little and your car gets fixed and running like new. Has your husband signed up for SS disability? I’m not sure how that works but I know people on it that aren’t disabled and could be working. If they got on it, your husband should definitely benefit from it. Hugs to you Liz. Sherry
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Thanks for the posts Cat and neva. I got my car back and I am soo happy. It is soo much easier to get my Hubby in than the truck. I bought a shower chair and assisted my Hubby with a shower today. I checked for the beginings of bed sore and found none. Thank goodness!! I gave him a nice back massage. My Sister and youngest Nephew came over last night to visit. I am getting a bigger support group and I am thankful! Neva, SS disability takes awhile to get, on the average 1 to 2 years. I know of people on it who don’t deserve it also. Hubby was coughing up a little blood this morning so I called the on call Doctor. He said to make sure he takes the cough medicine every 4 hours and that this is common with lung cancer. He is resting now. He did sleep well last night with the pain meds. So, the coughing has settled down for now. Going to finish some laundry. Didn’t think about gambling today!! Take care everyone!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Very tired today. Didn’t sleep much last night as Hubby was coughing alot and medicine didn’t work. He has slept most of the day. I have him up and sitting on the patio. He has eaten 2 spoonfuls od applesauce. My Mom called today and is coming down at the end of the month to stay 5 days to help. She asked if she would be in the way. I would appreciate her help and company. As the garage sell didn’t have hardly any furniture, my Sister called and said she was looking for 2 recliners for me. She is also coming by Thursday, her day off, to bring lunch and spend some time with us. Carole, I think you are right, this sad event may bring my family back together. Something positive has to happen from this heartbreak!! Oldest Daughter and Grandson are coming over for dinner and then she has a support meeting for a hour. I will have some special time with him. Hanging in there is all I can say. No thoughts about gambling today. Hope everyone had a great gamble free day. Sorry that I am not contributing to other’s post much, I do care but never seem to have the time.Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! It’s good to see that your family is rallying around you and your husband. A suggestion may be to use some of the time that family is visiting to get out and recharge your emotional batteries, or simply to nap, so that you don’t get sick yourself from the stress of caregiving. You are very competent and that is not a sign of weakness to look after yourself. You can’t do it all yourself. I know that because I have worked with many palliative clients and their families. One of the things that happens with terminally ill people in the progression of their disease is anorexia. The person loses interest in eating. My mother-in-law would get angry if family members tried to force her to eat, so they finally stopped making her eat. I think of you every day on this journey you and hubby are on. Carole
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Thanks Carole for the post and very interesting about the anorexia. Thanks for thinking about us, it helps me alot. A neighbor sat with Hubby this morning so I could drop the insurance papers off at the Drs. Well, he is on vacation this week, so I will bring them back next Monday. I didn’t want them ***** around for a week to get lost. Another roadblock!! That’s what it feels like! I feel like I am really being tested, everyday. I know there is something I need to learn from this. Hubby is doing about the same, sleeping alot, and eating hardly anything. My Family is being awesome. Daughter brought him 3 new bed ******* and a back pad that heats up and massages. We are hanging in there. Grandson will be here this afternoon and will be spending the night. My bright star in all of this!!! Take care everyone and have a great gamble free day.Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth
I am sorry for what you are going through and i am thankful that in your time of hardship you are posting to me wishing me good thoughts. I knew someone going through the anorexia thing, they wouldnt eat when their illness progressed but they did manage to have some really thin chocolate. High in calories and was at least something. They seemed to like this because they couldnt get the food down but managed with little bits of chocolate. Happy you have your grandson, children and animals always lift the spirits i think. I love them.
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Dear Lizbeth, I think of you often and I am so glad to read that your family is supporting you and your hubby at this difficult time. I hate cancer and the pain and suffering that it causes to anyone who has it. I brought a silever bracelet for my daughter’s friend that says **** cancer, it looks lovelyand was designed by someone who had cancer and some of the money goes to cancer research. I may be feeling a bit more emotional about what you are going through right now because of my friend’s daughter. She is in pallative care right now to get her pain under control. I pray that your hubby does not suffer too much pain and they are able to control it. One day at a time Lizbeth that is all any of us can do.One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks P and Cat for your posts. My Husband **** this afternoon. He had a sizure and was taken to the emergency room. I decided I wanted to have hospice, and the hospice nurse came and we got all the paperwork done and he was transported to hospice. When he was transfered to his bed at hospice he took his last breath. It was a shock as he went soo fast, he was diagnoised in January. My oldest Daughter was with me and we sat with him for awhile. At least he didn’t die in the ER. The social worker at hospice helped us make the arrangements for cremation and is helping us with grief support. I have my family around me, my Mom, Sister, 2 Daughters, Nephew, and friends. I am tired and numb right now. But I have been grieving since we first found out he was sick. Thanks to all here for your support, and prayers. He is not suffering anymore!!Seize all the good things in life
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Lizbeth, I am so sorry. That must have been a shock. I am glad, at least you were able to get hospice involved, and he didn’t die in ER. I hope they provide some comfort. From my family’s experiences, I can’t say enough good things about hospice. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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Dear (((Liz)))! I’m sorry to hear that your husband ****. I hope that you can take comfort in the fact that you provided him with loving care in the past months, since he was diagnosed. And also that he didn’t linger suffering. He is at peace now, free of pain and worry. As Vera said, it was wonderful that he passed from this life surrounded with people who loved him. Numbness is a gift at this time while you complete paperwork that ***** to be completed, so that you can move on to this next chapter of your life, as you grieve your loss. I told Danny that your husband had ****, and he asked me if I wanted to go stay with you. I told him that you would have family surrounding you, and that you would have much paperwork to attend to. But know that I am thinking about you. Carole
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Dear Lizbeth, I too am sorry for your loss. In ***** of adversities the best words I can think of is Mercy, Mercy, Mercy; may God have mercy on his soul and on all that share in your grief.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.
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Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Today my family helped me get alot of things done around the house. I am feeling numb and haven’t been able to sleep since my Husband passed. I am tired now and think that I can finally sleep. My Grandson hasn’t been told as he has been sick with a cold. Tomorrow, his parents, along with the social worker from hospice are telling him. Carole, tell Danny thanks for thinking of me. I walked around this evening feeling like I was lost. Almost 29 years together. I am startng a new chapter of my life. I have no regrets, and I was glad to be with him at the end. Going to bed. Thanks again everyone!Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth, you have been through so much since I last was on your post. I hope you are managing to get a little sleep and things are starting to become more bearable. You are very much in my thoughts and prayers.Life is too short to be anything but happy!!
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Hanging in there!! Dealing with alot!! My condo was broken into! Car is still messing up, waiting for money to fix it! It seems like everything wrong is happening right now. I did accomplish alot the last few days, I picked up my Husband’s ashes, a very hard thing to do, and I finished all the paperwork for his benefits and everything was faxed and mailed off. It feels like alot of burden was lifted off my shoulders. Surviving and keeping the faith!!Seize all the good things in life
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Yes Bettie, thankfully I wasn’t home at the time. In the 20 years we have lived here, we have never had this happen. There are only 34 units here. We have only one owner, who lives right next to me that has caused any issues. The police were called the night before my break-in due to her Brother whom lives with her. I think this was retaliation. He thinks I called the police. Since no one saw anything, nothing could be done. The police told him to leave me alone and that they would kindly be back if they were called. Everyone that lives here is aware of what’s going on and it has been real quite next door. Anyways, my front window is being replaced today. The insurance is taking care of the things that were ******. I am in a better place mentally today to deal with it. My councelor from hospice said alot of people exerience things going bad or wrong when they are greiving. I feel like I have had my share, and I’m ready to move on from it. Today was a little better!!Seize all the good things in life
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Thanks for the posts and support. I am soo lucky to have friends here who care. I have had alot of support from my Mom as we talk on the phone daily, otherwise my family has not been very supportive. It doesn’t suprise me, but it hurts. Some family members were disappointed when they didn’t receive anything of my Husband’s. It’s not like we are rich and have alot. My Husband was a simple man, never interested in material things. I feel like this is inappropriate behavior on their part. I have friends who have been more supportive and caring than family members. I am lucky to have them!!! I feel like I am mentally stronger. I didn’t want to make any large purchases with the money that I am getting from my Husband’s benefits, as I wanted to take my time deciding what to do with it. It looks like I am going to need a different vehicle, as mine ****, I don’t think it is worth fixing as it is going to cost alot. Alot to think about!!!! I live close to stores, banks, ect… soo I can walk till I can get a different car. Friends have offered rides also. So, I am hanging in there, trying to do the best I can. Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth, what a truly horrible experience when you are already dealing with so much. You seem to be so strong in how you are dealing with everything, but I’m sure you must feel overwhelmed at *****. You have been a huge support to so many people on here, you deserve support now. People can be insensitive at *****, but I also learned that when we are grieving we can perceive things differently, so go easy on family members..you are all grieving! Keep strong and as Vera says take your time with any changes.. Remembering you in my prayersLife is too short to be anything but happy!!
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Thanks Vera and Sad for the posts!! Sad, I am talking about the same family members who have let me down time after time. I don’t know why I thought they would be different now. It is what it is!!!! Today, I’m walking to the mall and looking around, need to get out!! The weather is beautiful here!!! Take care everyone.Seize all the good things in life
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Ach I know exactly what you mean Lizbeth. I kinda have no expectations of people anymore, which is strange cos I know so many wonderful people! Glad to hear you are out and about. I am being so silly and sensitive today because of a dishonest person on ebay who has left me quite slanderous feedback. I am taking it most personal and can’t seem to get past it. I am sure there is a lesson there somewhere for me, but can’t identify it.. Maybe it’s to let things go.. But I can’t. So if I was a bit preachy forgive me.. I even feel let down by complete strangers I will never see!!! Keep strong Lizbeth!!Life is too short to be anything but happy!!
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Sad, I value what you have to say and I didn’t take it as being preachy!! I did walk to the mall today but only made it to the grocery store. I did get some exercise, which is what I needed. I was talking to my Mom this afternoon and started crying about my Husband again, I miss him! I received mail today telling me that his employer had received the benefits package that I mailed on Monday and that they converted our health insurance into my name only and that they were expediting his monthly pension check for me. That was good news!!! This is hard being without him. I am getting through everday with support from people here and the hospice support groups I attend, and friends, and family. I know it will get better with time. Seize all the good things in life
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Lizbeth, that’s terrible that anyone would break into your home. I heard there are alarms you can buy that go inside your windows so if someone tries to open them, or break them, a loud noise or alarm goes off and scares them away. It might be worth checking into unless you can afford a real security system. You need to feel safe in your own home.
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Hi Lizbeth,
My sister lost her husband in a tragic accident just over 2 years ago, one thing she said to me was that she would wait a year before making any major financial decisions. I think its a good idea. She has just returned from a 10week holiday around the world!
As for the break in…..how disgusting! What a terrible thing to have to deal with. Im glad you can vent here. You are a very special woman and have shown amazing strength. I am sending you (as my very good friend Meg says…) love and light, it always made me feel better seeing those words, so im sure Meg wont mind if i share……
Love K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan -
Hi Lizbeth,
I saw something reciently about people letting us down. I was a bit offended when they said we are to blame! Really? But it went on to say we set ourselves up for the dissapointment knowing that these people, for what ever reason, are unreliable but much like Charlie Brown letting Lucy hold the football, we repeat the same actions over and over with these people and expect a different result. Some people have good intentions but when push comes to shove they never seem to come through.
I think this is a part of my cg "love of drama".
I hope you are not offended by this post. When I started thinking about it, and people it applyed to, is really made perfect sense to me.
I am learning to "protect" my feelings-and not trust others with them so much.
Hope you have a wonderful weekend.
bettie -
No offense Bettie!!! You are right! I keep thinking certain family members will come through for me, especially in my Husband’s death. Why did I think they would? They were never there for me before. Hopeful thinking on my part. I realize that they are incapiable of this. I feel like I have to protect my feelings from them, not let them too close to me. Kathryn, I am going to have to make some big financial decisions. I am getting my car fixed, trading it in and buying a new one. Also, I need to pay all of my Husband’s debt, medical bills, credit cards, ect… soo I can file the paperwork on the condo in 6 months to get it into my name. I am talking to a financial adviser and a trusted friend about this, so I am getting guidance. I am trying to make sound decisions. Neva, I am going to look into some kind of alarm for the condo. In 20 years of living here we have never had our place broken into. I really feel it is the person I think it is and he likes preying on women. It has been quiet on the homefront the last few days. I am getting ready to go on a walk to the post office and bank. Take care everyone and have a good day!!Seize all the good things in life
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Lizbeth I have not posted on your page but I continue to pray for you to find strength and peace at this difficult time. You are doing great and never be frightened to cry to get through this. Your grieving will take time and there will be good days and bad days. I know when my Dad lost my Mum he said that he could go out and do things during the day, but the hardest part was coming home to an empty house in the evening, and that he really missed her then. I am going to Ruth’s Celebration of Life Service today. I believe it will help her hubby, mother and brother find closure. It is the final tribute to an amazing young woman who showed such courage and dignity as she fought cancer. She loved to laugh and never lost her sense of humour. You continue to be in my thoughts (((Liz))) One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Today is going to be a good day. My Grandson is coming over after school I am making dinner of spagetti and meatballs for him and his Dad . Yesterday, I had some awesome news, my friend is coming for a visit. I am reallly happy about that. I have been keeping myself busy around the condo as not having a car can drive you nuts. I slept pretty well last night. I think I am dealing with my Husband’s death a little better now. I miss him alot, but when I get real sad I think about the happy things we did, especially our last vacation, last June with our Grandson. That always brings a smile!! Take care everyone.Seize all the good things in life
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Liz, so happy to read your post that you are having a better day. Awesome that your friend is coming to visit as it is something to look forward to. And of course your little Grandson coming for dinner always makes you happy. Wonderful that you are having happy memories of your hubby. There will be good days and bad, and I believe when we lose someone we love there is a saying that it never gets better, but with time it gets easier. Stay strong my friend.One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks cat for your post. I was with my Grandson for a few hours till Mom picked him up and I will see him again on Wednesday. I think he is my saving grace. He talks openly about how he feel about Papa dying, and how he misses him. No one else seems to relate or is as open as he. It brings me peace. It has been raining here. I am going to venture out today and walk to the post office, bank, and mall. Taking my unbrella just in case. (not raining at the moment) Have a great day everyone!Seize all the good things in life
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I’ve been busy this morning doing my laundry and straightening up the condo. I will see my Grandson this afternoon for a few hours. Really looking forward to that. I slept well last night. The first time since my Husband’s death, even with sleeping *****. I think I was soo tired from walking around the mall yesterday that I just gonked out. I have had thoughts of gambling the last few days. Crazy, right?? I am glad that I can’t act on those thoughts (no car), as that is the last thing I should do. I know I am having these feelings as I want to escape from all the emotions that I am going through right now. As soon as I have a car, I need to go back to GA, and continue working on my recovery. Otherwise, I am doing okay. I am working through the greiving process and have joined a on line widow support group. I have all the household bills paid for the month with some left for groceries. I am thankful for all I have and thankful for all of my friends and support here at GT! Have a great day!!Seize all the good things in life
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Hi lizbeth, I just wanted to say you should be proud of yourself, keep doing what you know works for you, you sound like a really strong women and I wish you all the very best in your recovery but also life, all we can ever do is take life one day at a time, take care and hope you dont mind me posting on your journal, wish you well love Maverick.
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Maverick, it was good to see your post and Vera, I am not going to gamble. I walked down to the store and picked up 2 prescriptions and some groceries. I woke up very early this morning, I think I will need a nap this afternoon. Going a little stir crazy without a car, but I will get mine fixed as soon as I can. Take care everyone!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Liz, I don’t think anyone knows what it is like to lose their hubby/partner unless they go through it. The impact of the loss of your hubby is felt more by you than anyone. You are the one who is facing him not being there all the time. As much as our loved ones may feel for us it is a different experience for them, as they go and they get caught up in their life. You are the one whose life has been impacted more than anyone. You are facing so may things now, going home to an empty home, not having to check in with someone, not hearing how his day went, someone to share how you feel with. It is not longer Liz and hubby, it is a huge adjustment, plus missing him. It will take time. I know that we all grieve differently. I find it tough sometimes as I want to talk about losing my grandbaby and other people deal with it by not talking. I have to respect their way, but have to find a way to help me grieve to suit me. I think the support group is a good outlet for you as if it is people who have gone through losing their partner and they understand more than anyone who has not gone through it.
I am sure that you know all this stuff Liz, but I just want you to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. As you know it is good days, bad days and all you can do is tke it one day at a time and be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Thinking of you!!!One day at a time my sweet lord… -
Thanks for the posts and support and caring thoughts. I am finding my way through the grieving process. Some days are good and others are bad. Some days I cry and some days I don’t. I think I am doing what I can do to help myself, support groups where I can talk about my loss and where others can relate and tell their stories. A place where I can feel alright talking about my Husband. I understand about others who have not lost a spouse not relating or tiring of me talking about him. But my issues with certain family members is a lot deeper than what is happening right now. These things have been going on for a long time. I don’t have the energy to deal with them right now. Maybe down the road I can address how I feel and move on from there, with them in my life or not. Everything is still new (32 days) without my Husband. I am taking it one day at a time, one step at a time. I know I will have to find a new path for myself without my Husband. Yesterday, I did half of the kitchen: cleaning out cabinets, washing walls, blinds, windows. Today, my goal is to finish it. Trying to keep busy!!Seize all the good things in life
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I fell asleep early last night and now I’m awake at 3:40am. I fall asleep thinking of my Husband and I wake up thinking of my Husband. I am kind of freaking out about the condo (and his daughter) and waiting for his benefits. I have heard horror stories from my online support group of someone (like his daughter) coming in and contesting everything and holding stuff up in probate for years. I don’t know why I am getting these thoughts in my head, probably because I have soo much time to think. I try to let it go, but the thoughts are always there! The end of this month Carole is coming for a visit. I can’t wait!! I am soo unsure of myself and I feel like a shell of myself right now. I am going to walk to the grocery store this morning. I can use the exercise. When will I start feeling normal again?? I am glad that I have no money and no way to get to a casino as I think that the way I am feeling right now would make me want to gamble!!! Hanging in there!!Seize all the good things in life
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Liz, sometimes it is hard to find the words and that is how I feel right now. I am so happy that Carole is coming to visit as she is a wonderful person and it will be great to have her there with you to talk to. I wonder if it would help you to get some anti-depressants or something for a while to help you through. I don’t know how all the things work with probate and your hubbies daughter. I hope and pray that it all goes smoothly for you. One day at a time dear (((((Liz))))). One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks for the post Cat!! I don’t know what the future holds for me with this financial mess. It is what it is and whatever the outcome, I will survive, I know that. It is just the stress for all of it to be over. I really don’t want to take any ***** right now to help me get through. I am just having some ups and downs right now and I think that is normal. I am glad that Carole is coming to visit also as I feel like I am shutting myself off from others right now. Maybe I need a kick in the butt!!! I’m going to make it and be alright, It is just going to take some time. Seize all the good things in life
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If you and your husband bought the Condo together then his daughter probably doesn’t have much to say about it. But, if he bought it before you got married (and never added your name or you refinanced together) then she might be in line for it since it was separate property and not considered community property. I deal with that kind of stuff through work. It’s good that you have a lawyer. If you have to walk away from the Condo, you’ll also get to walk away from any money secured by the Condo. At least your husband set you up to collect his income and you’ll be able to move on. Maybe it’s a blessing that you don’t have money right now because it’d be too easy to drown your worries and sorrows in front of a slot machine. Things happen for a reason and maybe it’s meant for you to move somewhere else and onto a better life. Good things happen to good people!
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Hi Neva, it is his separate property, I am entitled to 1/2 and 1/2 goes to his daughter because he had no will. I will have to buy her out. I don’t know what I want to do now. We were married twice. After our divorce and before our remarriage, he bought this condo and I bought a house which I sold some time ago. I wouldn’t have bought this place myself but we did live here together for 12 years and I contributed to the mortgage, ect… so according to Arizona law 1/2 of the property is mine as it falls under separate property that has become community property. I have talked to a lawyer, via phone consultation and he will be the one I will use to take care of this issue. I am thankful that I don’t have money to gamble!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Hey Lizbeth,
If property values are down like they are around here and you have little to no equity it could work in your favior. In my situtation she would be lucky to get $15k. On the other hand if she forced a sale I would stop paying the mortgage and let her have it.
I am sure it will all workout.
bettie -
In Arizona they take the property value less what is owed on the property, and she gets half of that, which is $22,000. If she tries to play hardball with me, I will walk away and buy my own property. I will deal with this when I am ready, it may be months down the road. I am having a ok day. Going to see my Grandson soon, for a few hours. It is windy here today, real windy, blowing around the pollen windy!! Have a good day everyone. Take care!!Seize all the good things in life
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Thanks for the posts. Laura, I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I am having more good days than bad days now. Tomorrow morning I am taking my Grandson to school than off to the airport to pick Carole up. I am looking forward to having some time with her. I got my car back yesterday, new engine and all. I am giving it to my Mom as she has a real old truck which she has been babying. She is excited about it. I bought myself a new Nissan Rogue last Friday. I am so glad I did. Getting ready to go to my Grandson’s baseball game, if the wind dies down. It may be called off. I am going on a road trip the middle of May to take my Mom to see her last sibling, her oldest Sister, who is 90 years old. I am excited to see my Aunt, as we have not seen her in 5 years. I am hanging in there but I do have my moments. Trying to keep busy!! Take care everyone!1Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth: Congratulations on the new car. I googled the Nissan Rogue (not much of a car girl, can you tell? ) Anyway, it’s just lovely. What colour? I am so happy for you, you deserve something nice after all you’ve been through. It’s going to be lovely to have Carole to chat to and then to visit your aunt. My dad is 91 and I visit him every week. There is something wonderful about visiting elderly relatives. I always come back feeling like I’ve gained something after I visit my dad. It’s good too that you’re spending so much time with your grandson. Nothing is going to stop the pain and grief you’re feeling, but it is good to have these little pin*****s of light in dark *****. Wishing you a wonderful and happy day. Love, RG
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Hi RG, My new Rogue is silver, and gray and black inside. I am still loving it!! Carole came in yesterday and we are having a blast!!! We went shopping and Carole bought my Grandson some clothes from the Disney store and she treated us to lunch at the Rainforest Restaurant. Today she is downtown checking out the Jodi Arias ****** trial. We are planning a road trip for this weekend. Watch out Thema and Louise!!! It is good to have her here. Seize all the good things in life
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(((Liz))) I am so delighted that you have a new car and it sounds awesome!!! Also, thrilled that Carole is there visiting you as she is one special lady. I am sure that you will be a wonderful support for each other being able to chat away. A road trip sounds like so much fun!!! Have a great visit!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Lizbeth so happy that you had a nice visit with Carole. Your condo will probably feel quiet now that she has gone. I believe you mentioned that you were going on a trip with your mother soon to visit an Aunt so that is something else for you to look forward to. Take care Liz!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks for the posts!! I did miss Carole today, but we will see each other again. I spent the day with my Grandson at school helping his teacher. He is having such a hard time with the death of his Papa and teacher and with the split up of his Mom and Dad. He is seeing a counselor and he is talking freely with me. I just worry about him, so young, and a lot to deal with. Tomorrow, he and I are going on a private tour of Chase Field, where the Arizona Diamonbacks play. I bought tickets several ***** last year for Hubby to go to see them play. My Grandson is excited as he is playing on a baseball league. They are trying to get people to buy tickets for the games. I will buy a few game tickets as my Grandson loves to go and watch. Trying to get some stuff done around here as I leave a week from tomorrow for my California trip with my Mother. Looking forward to that. Take care everyone.Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! I was going to email you, but my email is asking me for a password, and for the life of me, I can’t remember it, as it hasn’t asked me for a password for many, many months. I’m going to have to take my computer in and have it cleaned I think. I arrived safely last night after midnight, and I was given a room that had to be 100 degrees. I called the front desk and the girl said that I must have been given a "hot" room, and that she had a list of "good" rooms. I got another room and slept 5 or 6 hours, and got up and drove home. I saw a coyote walking in the ditch on the drive home. I went to my daughter’s and the souvenirs were a great hit with my granddaughters, especially the astronaunt ice cream. I’m getting a bit concerned that there is no verdict yet. Being in the courtroom during the day of closing arguments for the prosecution was a dream come true. Thanks Liz for the awesome week. I’m looking forward to our next visit. Your grandson was a litte charmer and so smart. Say hi to him from me. Carole
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Carole, if your reading this, I did email you yesterday. I am glad that you made it home okay. Thinking of you and the fun we had. I think Louisana is our next venue as our Duck dynasty boys are from there. Just a thought. Take care and I am worried too, as the jury is taking more time than I thought they would. Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! Louisiana sounds awesome!! We’ll have to find out where Monroe is, as that is where the duck boys live. The snow has disappeared in my yard so spring is here. That story of those 3 women and a 6 year old child being found in that house alive after being kidnapped is insane. I had shivers when they showed that story yesterday. And those 3 criminal brothers are so ugly and creepy. What a nightmare for those poor women. Danny did a lot of work in the yard when I was gone and put in a new bathroom sink and new taps for me. I’m having coffee and trying to wake up and then I’ll be going over to clean the renters’ house. I’m waiting for a verdict today. Carole
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Sorry to hear about your headache Liz! Is something bothering you?? I’ve been doing well since I got home, and have been working hard cleaning at the renters and laundering bedding. Danny is actually making a chicken stirfry and rice tonight. He would never **** before, and seems to be nearly an expert at it now. I found 3 puzzles today that I’ve never done so my kitchen table will now turn into a puzzle table. I’m not putting a garden in this year as I have enough flower beds to weed. Come help me weed!! Carole
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I am feeling better. Grandson’s baseball team won tonight! I had a hard day, kept thinking of my Hubby. Tomorrow will be better. I really haven’t been doing constructive things since you left. I need to get with it tomorrow as I am leaving for my Mom’s next Wednesday and then off to California for a few days. Wish I could come help you weed!!!Seize all the good things in life
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(((Lizzy)))- good to hear that you’re feeling better. Some days are going to be very hard on your journey of grief. Also good to hear that your grandson’s team won! He must have been excited!! You’ll know when the time is right to cross the border. I hope you and your Mom have a special time together and with other family members. It’s good to have things to keep you occupied while your heart and soul mend. I started a zigsaw puzzle last night, which is usually a winter activity for me. Gambling thoughts are far, far away, so that’s good. I know that I don’t want to live the old life of compulsive gambling again. Danny set up a live trap in the shed to capture the critter (probably weasel) that has been living in the shed. Two days later we haven’t caught anything. Watch as soon as Danny leaves today, the critter will be in the trap and I’ll have to drive it somewhere, and release it. The kicked out renter jumped out of his truck last night, and came over with a big bouquet of flowers and a card, begging to stay. I said I wasn’t doing this with him anymore. He asked till the long weekend in May to stay till, and I gave him till Saturday 7:00 pm to move. I refused the flowers and the card and told him to give them to the girl he had in his bed. He said he didn’t even know her name, and I reminded him that her name was Nicole. He is not going to get any extensions to stay from me. I’m sick of him and his boundary issues. It’s too bad his wife doesn’t know he’s sleeping around with strippers. I would want to know if my husband was doing the same, so I could divorce his a**. I found a empty box of condoms in the bathroom garbage can. Two and two always make four, unless it’s Jodi Arias doing the ********! LOL! It has gotten really crazy with her since the verdict came in. I think she thought she was going to walk out of the courthouse to freedom that day. I believe that she is a control freak and knows the jury will return with a death sentence, so she is making a preemptive strike by saying she wants the death penalty. That way she is back in control of her life. I really believe she has a borderline personality, but that doesn’t make her insane under the law. Carole
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Feeling better. It took a long time for the headache to go away. I am treating myself to a mani/pedi (spa) tomorrow, I have never had one. Looking forward to it. Carol, Jodi is one messed up person. I think she is trying to use reverse thinking on the jury, as she would have no one to pay any attention to her if she was on death row. Your bad renter is something else. Why are people married when they sleep with other people. I have never understood that. I am headed for bed. I am really tired tonight. Take care everyone.Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! So glad to hear that you are treating yourself to a mani/pedi, and I wish I was sitting next to you getting a mani/pedi too. I checked the live trap today and the only thing in it is a full can of rotting tuna. The more I reflect on Jodi Arias’ behavior and words, the more I am conflicted about whether I want her to get the death penalty. I believe what she did is horrific, but I also fully believe that she is suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder, and maybe a Disassociation Disorder. Had she gotten some serious mental health help, this tragedy may have been avoided. As you know my oldest granddaughter has borderline personality disorder, and one of the key features is a huge sense of abandonment and rejection, as well as huge **** swings, and blaming others for what happens to them. I believe in the death penalty but not for individuals who are clearly mentally ill. Thus I think she should get natural life in prison so that she doesn’t execute anyone else. Prisons aren’t known for attracting the best psychologists/psychiatrists, so I can’t see her getting the intense mental health care she *****. On another note, I am taking my three granddaughters to the fair that has come to town today, and the two little ones are having a sleepover tonight. My evicted renter has started to pack his clothing I saw yesterday when I went into his bedroom. He called me last night to say he had found somewhere else to live, but wanted to know if he could move on Tuesday. I said no and that it had to be Saturday which is today, after he finishes work. He hasn’t paid any rent for May, so I’m doubtful whether he will pay me before he leaves tonight. Carole
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Carole, have fun with your Granddaughter’s at the fair. It’s good that you are getting rid of the bad renter as he seems to not have any respect for you or your house. He sounds like a lot of trouble. I enjoyed my mani/pedi. It was wonderful and relaxing. My eyebrows look real good (threading). It was much better spending money on myself and feeling relaxed and de-stressed than spending money at the casino. Tomorrow I am going to a Mother’s day luncheon with a friend. Have a great Mother’s Day everyone!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! Hope you have a Happy Mother’s Day!! You deserve it! I woke up today with a sore back and a headache, probably due to the way I slept last night, which was not well at all. I went over to the house yesterday evening to see why Rob the bad renter wasn’t moving out. He gave me a letter saying that I had bul***d him, and a bunch of other garbage and that he was going to be ***** me. He claimed to have receipts for rent paid for May, signed by me, which is totally a ***. He got verbally aggressive with me and said that I was going to listen to HIM. I told him I didn’t need to listen to him and walked out. He said I could call the police if I wanted to, and I left the house and called them and two police cars drove into my place, with one officer in each car. The police officer came over to my house and asked if I would let him stay last night as Rob told them he worked at 5:30 am, and I was adamant with the officer that he could not stay, and that I wanted him escorted off my property. The police said they were there in a peacekeeping role and that the renter hadn’t committed any crime under the criminal justice system. I told the officer that unless they escorted him off my property, that Rob would not have a job the following day as I was going to phone the oil field company he works for and report his **** use. That’s when the police decided to escort him out of my house and property. Wow! I never have had to evict a renter before and it got ugly on his part. I did fear for my safety when I went to bed as one never knows what a person like him will do, as he was insistent that I couldn’t have him removed frm my property. He has food in my house still but I am going to make it clear to the other renters that he is no longer welcome to visit them in my house. They can bring him his food but the police will be called if he shows up here again. Other renters told me last night that he would urinate over on the grass while standing on the verenda, and that the young woman he brought home woke them up with her clicking high heels, walking through the house. He is a married man by the way. One of the guys who rents from me works with the evicted renter, so that should be interesting. Rob is on self-destruct and it won’t be long before he loses his job himself. He has "ran" my house since the day he moved in, like it’s his own, with no respect for other renters. Oh, the glamourous life of a landlord! Carole
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Happy Mother’s Day everyone!!! Carole, what a ordeal with Rob. You did the right thing in calling the police, as this ordeal would have just dragged on and on. Watch yourself, you never know what is going through someone’s mind or what they are capable of. Look what happened to me with the rocks through my window. It still is going on as when we were on our road trip, my Sunday newspaper was taken and one of our friend’s here had left a package of baseballs for my Grandson on the patio table and they were taken also. Never had any problems before and I think it is retaliation for me calling the police on the neightbor’s brother. Anyways, her condo was foreclosed on and is going to auction tomorrow. A investor was here yesterday looking at the community and asking questions about how much rent he could get per month. I don’t wish bad on anyone, but they are bad news and are creating a lot of problems here much like your bad renter. I haven’t been very productive today, but that’s okay as it is Mother’s Day!! Have a good day everyone!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! I too have been unproductive today, though I will have to go to the renters’ house and clean there. I just take my time and that way it isn’t stressful. Danny said I should have called his brother to deal with the situation with the renter, seeing as he’s not home. I think I managed it in the best way I could by staying away from Rob after I left the house, and while the police were taking to him, so as not to escalate the situation. I’m sure he will blame me for his life going bad, as he is one of those people who can’t accept responsibility for himself. I’m very relieved he is gone from the house. I am going to leave a written communication for the other guys that Rob is not welcome in the house to come and get his food, or to visit any of them. He has a boundary issue so I can see him thinking he can come back and visit the guys. How did you find out your neighbour’s condo had been foreclosed on, and that it would be auctioned off tomorrow? That whole family are toxic people and the sooner they are gone the better. I believe that they are retaliating on you, and I feel that Rob may retaliate against me also. I won’t be going anywhere overnight for a while, as I need to keep an eye out for what’s going on here. It seems that Rob can afford strippers but not the rent. I emptied his garbage can and there were magnets with pictures of strippers, thanking him for the good time. I don’t care about the unpaid rent, only that he isn’t in my house anymore. Carole
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Hey Sweet P, thanks for your post. I was a little sad today as it is the first Mother’s Day without my Hubby. My ex-son-in-law is coming in a few hours to take me to dinner. Sometimes family (blood) isn’t who your family ends up being. All I can say is that since my Husband became sick and his death, it has been friends mostly and a 2 family members who have been there for me. Others have seized the opportunity to not be in my life due to thinking they were entitled to monetary gain from my Husband death. Sad but true! Blood isn’t always thicker than water!! I feel like my friends are my family and I am grateful to have them in my life. Carole, the investor who is bidding on the next door neighbor’s condo was here yesterday, asking questions about the community and talking to a owner here. He is going to have fun evicting them as he will have to go through the courts to do it. But if he has bought other places I am sure he has ran into this before. Yes, you be careful concerning Rob. I think you handled the situation the right way. Hope everyone is having a great day!!Seize all the good things in life
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I think I am being tested!! I went out this morning to take the car (not the new one) to get emission tested. The battery was dead. I have triple A, so I gave them a call and they came out and replaced the battery. Another thing that my Husband would have taken care of. Now, I need to drive it some more as the battery going dead wiped out the driving cycles on the new engine. So, after I drive it some more, then it’s going to the shop again to be put on the meter so I know if I will pass emissions. This car has been a stinker!! But I will win!! Not sleeping well again, keep thinking of my Hubby and replaying a lot things that we did together over the years. Makes me sad that he is not here!!Seize all the good things in life
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I went to the casino last night. I didn’t do too much damage, but I feel so ashamed of myself. I came home with a headache and feeling like crud!! I sat here letting myself get depressed and instead of doing something constructive, I went and gambled. I didn’t get any pleasure from it only a sleepless night and beating myself up. I did get a lot accomplished here today, cleaned condo, getting ready to purchase my new living room furniture. My Grandson is spending the night and that is joyful. I have to forgive myself as I can’t get into that rut again with the gambling, that would be a disaster. Have to move on!!Seize all the good things in life
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(((Liz))) you are going through so much right now dealing with the loss of your hubby and it is a very emotional time, and I would imagine it must be quite lonely and scary for you as well. I know that you are an intelligent person who knows gambling is not the answer, but we are human and I can imagine in your situation that I would want to escape from everything. It is good that you posted about it as then you know we are all looking out for you. I was speaking to someone who lost her hubby and she said that right after it happened she had to keep busy and she worked lots of hours. Also, a friend lost her husband a number of years ago and she was still working, but she totally decorated her home and was always busy doing that. Although she was younger then and able to do it. I wish I knew the answer for you Liz, but I know you will find out what support and help is there for you and take it. I would say don’t beat yourself up as you are dealing with so much right now. Keep posting Liz!!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks Cat for your post! I am keeping busy and get counseling to help me deal with my Husband’s death. I think that when I am alone, I start reliving my Husband’s illness and the day he ****, over and over. Sometimes, I can feel him everywhere. I need to do something when I feel depressed so I will not gamble. I am going to my Mom’s this weekend. We are going to spread my Step-fathers’, sister in law, and my Husband’s ashes. I have found a beautiful place, which is kind of isolated and the view of the mountains (tipped in snow) during the winter is awesome. I think it is the perfect place. It is going to be hard as I already have butterflies in my stomach thinking of it. When I was at the casino, I kept thinking of my Husband, sitting at the bar having a beer and watching some sports game. That is what he liked to do. I just want to find some peace within myself. I think that it will take time. I am trying to find my way. Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth: You have done an amazing job considering the stress you’ve suffered over the past months. I know that you know what you need to do to keep this slip from becoming an all-out relapse. Just remember, you are worth so much more than burying your grief under nights of destructive gambling. Do more things that you love. Plan a big holiday with a friend … someplace you’ve always wanted to go. Give yourself something to look forward to in the long term. And keep going on those spa appointments. Take care of yourself. Love, RG
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Thanks RG, I did get a mani/pedi today!! Best thing ever. I will be alright. I need to find somewhere to volunteer once a week, preferably on a weekend day. Playing Wii sports earlier with my Grandson!! We are getting ready to go to bed and do some reading before sleep. Hoping I can sleep tonight. Seize all the good things in life
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Liz, I notice the difference in your post when you have your little grandson around. He gives you a focus and keeps your spirits lifted. I think you should volunteer somewhere that you can be with kids or cuddling the babies in ICU. Although it depends if you want adult company when you volunteer. I also know there are seniors that are lonely and need a visit. I don’t know what I would do if I volunteered at something. My work keeps me too busy right now, but I know that I would love holding the babies. I went out last night with friends, there are 10 of us in a book club but sometimes we don’t even talk about the book. It was the wind up for summer so we went for dinner. It was so much fun and I notice that it has lifted my spirits. There are about 5 of us that are going to the theatre in a couple of weeks – a light comedy about girls. I am looking forward to that. It shows me that I need to do things for me that I enjoy. I know that you go to different support groups and that is awesome, but is there any organizations/groups that you could get involved with just for fun. The book club we go to is so much fun – laughter seems to help lift the spirits. Take care Liz and be kind to yourself. I am going for a pedicure soon – and I am going to start thinking about it now!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Cat, My spirits and focus is definitely different when my Grandson is around. There are tons of places where I can do volunteer work. I will make a decision on that after the summer is over. I agree, I need to find some group or organization where I can have fun and do activities with other women my age. Today has been good. We played games, read books, did some drawings, and went swimming. OMG, I’m tired!! Tomorrow the car goes into the shop so they can put the meter on it again to see if it will pass emission testing. Everything was wiped out when the battery went dead this last weekend. I called my oldest Daughter today and we had a good talk. She is coming over next week to help me go through my Husband’s personal belongings. There are a few things that I want her to have. Another sleepless night last night. I am going to take a sleeping pill tonight. Take care everyone and have a good day!!Seize all the good things in life
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Liz, it is hard for any of us to understand what you are going through. I know when I read about your daughter coming to go through your husband’s personal belongings my heart just felt for you. I would imagine that it is going to be very difficult and emotional for you. I am glad that your daughter is coming to help as that will be a support for you. All I can say is keep doing what you are doing as you really are working your way through this difficult time the only way you can. It is one day at a time – good days and bad days. It never gets better, but with time it gets easier. I hope you had a good sleep last night.One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Cat, I did sleep well last night. I think I was so exhausted!! I have mixed feelings about going through my Husband’s things. My Daughter wants some of his things, which I don’t mind giving her but I don’t know if I am ready. I don’t even know if I can spread his ashes this weekend. It just doesn’t feel right to me yet!! I don’t know if I am being silly or if I should just force myself to do it. God, I miss him every day. Maybe I am holding on to his ashes just to have him here with me, I don’t know. I am doing better I think in general but I always have this sadness hanging over me. No one can really relate unless you have been through it. It hurts so bad, you feel like your heart has been ripped from your chest. I try to sleep at night but I keep re-thinking about the cancer that ate at him till it took him from me. I remember from January 10th when we found out that he had cancer to March 12, when he ****. It just tears me up!!! The look on his face when he was dying and me holding his hand telling him that I loved him. OMG!! Cat, I hope it gets easier with time, that I deal with it better. I hate being alone!! It sucks!! Seize all the good things in life
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Liz it’s only 3 months since your husband **** and it is going to take time to grieve. All I can say is be patient with yourself and just do what you feel is right. If your are not ready to go through his personal things then just wait until you are. There is no time line for grieving. It’s what feels right to each individual. I have heard of a charm where you can put a few of the ashes and wear on a necklace. It may be a way to do both. You could scatter his ashes, but keep a little bit to keep a part of him close to you. I just did a quick search and this is a ling if you are interested in finding out more about it https://www.evrmemories.com/
Have you gone looking for your new living room furniture yet? What are your plans today? One day at a time and you will get through this.
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Thanks Cat, what you said makes sense and I know things will get better, it’s just hard right now!! I have heard of cremation jewelry. Thanks for the link, I took a quick look and I found some things that I liked. I will look later, it may be for me. I am looking at living room furniture next week. I am still having some issues with the car that I want to give my Mom. I am going down to the dealers again this morning, maybe I will be through with the car issues today. I am not going to let anyone, even family, rush me into doing something that I don’t want to do. I will deal with things when I am ready. Thanks for the advice!! I am going to my Mom’s tomorrow for the weekend, so I need to pack and do a few things around here. Have a great day everyone!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! I wasn’t going to say anything about it maybe being too soon to scatter your husband’s ashes, but seeing as you mentioned that you may not be ready to do so, I thought I would put in my thoughts about it. I wouldn’t recommend it till you’re good and ready on your own time schedule. I know your mother has your best interests at heart but it has to be your decision. If you do things too soon, it may send you into an emotional tailspin. Grief cannot be rushed as much as we want the hurt to end. Thinking about you (((Liz)))! Carole
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Carole, I agree, I won’t be spreading my Husband’s ashes this weekend. It is too soon for me! It doesn’t feel right. I have been thinking of you too and missing you!! The car passed emission testing and I have current tags on it. Yeah!! That has been a journey itself, but now it is done. Cat, thanks for the link to the cremation jewelry. I am buying a necklace for me and one for each daughter. That way, he is always with us!! Getting some things done around here and tomorrow morning I will be off to my Mom’s. Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! I’m so glad to hear that you did what was right for you. I understand a little about not being ready to scatter your husband’s ashes, as it took us 4 to 5 years before we were ready to scatter our "best" dog’s ashes. Please don’t think that I’m comparing scattering your husband’s ashes to a dog’s ashes. It was just too painful to even think about for both of us. There is no time schedule to buy new living room furniture or go through your husband’s personal effects. Be gentle on yourself (((Liz))). Carole
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Thanks for the post Carole. I came back today from my Mom’s. I had a good time visiting with her. I felt so much of the pressure was taken off me in deciding not to spread my Husband’s ashes. Both of my Daughter’s have picked out a cremation necklace they like and I haven’t decided on one yet. A great idea Cat!! My Sister text me today and we talked via texts, but that is a start. I am looking at living room furniture tomorrow. Hopefully, I will find something I love. Carole, I am trying to take my time in making decisions as I am not good at making decisions right now. A little hesitate. I was glad to get home, back to my surroundings. I feel comfort here!Seize all the good things in life
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I bought a couch and tv console and new mattresses for my bed. My friend came with me and it was fun picking out new furniture. It gets delivered on Friday. Tomorrow, my Daughters are coming over to help me go through some of my Husband’s things and we are going to look at pictures, have lunch and swim. Just making a afternoon of being together. I am really tired, not sleeping well. Going to bed. Hope everyone had a good day!Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Liz, sorry that you are not sleeping well, but I think that quite often happens when someone has lost their spouse. It will take time so be patient with yourself. I am glad that you had fun picking out new furniture and that you had a friend go with you. It will be nice for you when it is delivered on Friday and it will help make the living room more your own. I hope that your new mattress also helps a bit with your sleeping. It is nice that you have your daughters coming over and though it will be difficult to go through some of your husband’s things with them, it is good that you are also planning to have lunch and swim with them. Its important to remember that you do things when you are ready not when others think you should be doing it. I hope you had a better sleep last night. Take care and I hope that you have a good day with your daughters. One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks Cat for the post. I was sleeping so well and someone called at 600AM, wrong number. But he called 4 ***** afterwards!! OMG!! I am ready to go through my Husband’s things. It will be easier with my girls here. I think the only way that I can stay here in the condo is by making it mine, my style. We had bought it from my mother in law before she went into a senior living apartment and it ***** a lot of updating. I am going to do a little at a time till I have it the way I want it. Patience is something I work on daily Cat. I am hard on myself. I am looking forward to a nice day with my Daughters and Grandson.Seize all the good things in life
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Thanks for the posts everyone!! The visit with my Mother was awesome. She was feeling better when I left. We have a major wildfire in the Northern part of our State. 19 Firefighters gave their lives saving people’s homes and our forests. Will everyone say a prayer for them and their families? Very sad!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Liz so glad that you had a great visit with your Mother, and I am sure that she really enjoyed it as well. You are sounding a bit better just now which is great. My heart goes out to the 19 firefighter’s family, what a horrible tragedy. I said a prayer for their families. Have a great day!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks Cat for your post! I am doing better emotionally with the loss of my Husband. My oldest Daughter and I are forming a healthy relationship which I am grateful for. So, something good is coming out of the loss of my Husband. I feel like I am functioning better and thinking clearer. At some point, my Mother will have to move to where I live so we can have daily contact and so I can help her more. She isn’t at that point yet but at least we have a open line of communication, and she is willing to talk to me about it. She is functioning well physically and mentally but it is hard to have her 2 hours away and she is slowing down a lot. I just want to be there for her like she was for both of my Grandmothers when they could no longer take care of themselves. My Grandson spent the night and we are going for haircuts today and then back home. It has been so hot and humid here, we have had a heat advisory the last week. No gambling urges lately, good news. I hope everyone has a great gamble free day! Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth that is so nice that you and your daughter are growing closer together. That will be a help to you emotionally in these days.. i admire that you are not gambling through the stress you have been through. It is a wonderful thing that you have faced all this yet you didnt go into a full on relapse. I think i remember you went once but then back on track, dont know how you did it but you did, got straight back on the horse.. off and running again. Well done, i truly admire how you are living these days without gambling and being positive
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Thanks for the post P. Today we both had haircuts. I had mine cut a little shorter than usual but that’s ok as it is so hot here. We went and bought some new shoes for both of us. We did some swimming and had a play date with one of the kids whose Grandmother lives here. I am getting tired. I have been sleeping much better this last week. Tomorrow, we are going to see Dispecable Me 2. We are both looking forward to that. Well, I hope everyone had a good day. Take care.Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth,
Your grandson is keeping you busy!!!
So pleased to read you are living your life. I wish I could have shorter hair, unfortunately I look a little like a boy!!! (well I think I do!), Im going to end up on one of those talk shows where the woman hasn’t cut her hair for 20 years and they chop it all off!!!!
Have a lovely day,
Love Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan -
Thanks Kathryn for your post. I’m sure you have beautiful hair. My oldest Daughter had hair down past her butt for years and she cut it this year to her shoulders and donated her hair to cancer victims for wigs. She looks awesome with shorter hair. The movie was cute!! I am doing some laundry and my Grandson is eating lunch, pizza. Trying to keep cool as it is 117 right now. Take care everyone and have a good day!!Seize all the good things in life
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I have been having gambling urges today. Probably because I am alone as my Grandson went home. I am keeping busy and trying to get through this. I have a lot to do around the condo as I bought some new flowers to plant in my planters. So, tomorrow I will get up early and plant the flowers and do some errands. One day at a time.Seize all the good things in life
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Liz sorry that you are having gambling urges, but you are doing fantastic by not gambling with all that you are going through, and as you know gambling is not the answer. I know that I would love to go and escape sometimes, and just forget everything for a little while, and just have some fun and excitement. In our minds we can think of all these things and forget the other side of it. The self loathing, hating ourselves and the despair that we lost so much money that we cant afford to lose, and then the urges are even stronger. I think it was good for me to type that out as sometimes when I think of playing the machines I remember only the escaping and excitement!!! What and when is the next little trip that you have planned? I think it is good to have something to look forward to as it can keep our focus on something positive. When are you going to see your Mother again? How is your living room looking with your new furniture? Are you planning to do anything else to your home? When is your Grandson coming to stay again? I am not being nosey with all my questions I am trying to get you thinking of other things and not urges. Take care Liz and be patient and kind to yourself. I almost forgot to wish you a Happy Independence Day!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Hi Lizbeth
I understand you would be having urges.. I think you are doing amazingly well. Keep doing other things. I know gambling will appear to be very appealing but it will only appear that way. Its not the truth of what happens when we go. I crave it like mad some days Lizbeth, it is temptation for me big time but i know what happens. I have to go by my history. For years i tried to stop and i couldnt this time will be no different. I cant stop if i start and i know one bet and i may not be back here. I cant live with the urges and guilt that follow a relapse. I dont want that for you either. Hang on Lizbeth, stick to the forum. Do you have GA in your area. could be good to join.
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Thanks Cat and P for the posts. I have kept myself busy today and although I have had few urges to gamble, I wont!!! I did a few errands today and took the car out for a spin and got it cleaned!! I am staying home today for the 4th of July as I can see fireworks from my house. It is 115 outside right now and real humid, so I am staying cool inside. I am going out to brunch with a friend tomorrow and then my Grandson is coming over to spend the night. Missing my Husband today as he would be out there grilling right now for the 4th of July and wanting to invite family over for a barbeque. Hope everyone has a good day!Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Lizbeth,
Happy July 4th (im a bit late)
How were the fireworks? Its wonderful to read the strength in your posts. Your determination not to gamble is inspirational.
I have to say, I am missing the hot weather, it has been bitterly cold here. It seems that since I lost my weight I have been freezing all the time, I can never get warm! I miss being hot..lol.
I hope you are being kind to yourself, I can only imagine what you are going through. Your grandson is such a blessing in your life. Enjoy every bit!!!
Love K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan -
Thanks Kathryn for your post as I have had a bad day. The day started out good, I had a nice bunch with a friend and my Grandson is spending the night which is always enjoyable. My Daughter went into one of her angry rants when she dropped off my Grandson. I tried to diffuse it so he didn’t have to witness it and to be honest, I am tired and done with that behavior from her. Then she called me wanting to continue and I hung up on her again. I am afraid that she is doing ***** again. She went into rehab again while my Husband was sick and she has been clean for 31/2 months. I can see the signs. She has been battling this addiction for 8 years now with many relapses. I have always been there for her but I won’t take abuse from her. My Grandson is the innocent in all of this mess and I will protect him any way that I have to. Just very discouraging and heartbreaking!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Lizbeth so sorry that you had a bad day. It must be challenging for you having to deal with your daughter when you are already dealing with the emotions of losing your husband. I hope and pray that she has not relapsed with *****. My heart goes out to anyone with an addiction. However, having said that I get annoyed with my husband and his drinking. It would be nice if your daughter was there to support you right now with your emotions and the loss of your husband. Your Grandson is so blessed to have you as his Grandmother. Take care and stay strong Liz!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Cat, thank you for the supportive post. It is a challenge dealing with my Daughter’s **** addiction. Honestly, it makes me want to run and gamble, so I don’t have to deal with it for awhile. But I am not going to do that. That’s not the answer. I have always been very supportive of her but not when she is abusive, I will walk away from that. She is the commander of her soberity, not me. All the blaming of other’s for her **** use and not taking responsibility for her own actions keep her from moving on in her journey to keep clean. My Grandson is spending more time with me and the truth be told, he would just live with me and see his Mom sometimes. A real sad situation. His Dad is aware of the problem and does his best to be with his son as much as he can. He works long hours and out in this heat here, it was 116 today. That takes a toll on you. I can only be there for my Grandson as he is the innocent one in this situation. Sorry for rambling!! I just needed to vent and get this out!!Seize all the good things in life
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I am enjoying my time with my Grandson. My Daughter should be here soon to pick him up. I am hoping that some of the rage she showed yesterday is gone. I plan to do some grocery shopping this afternoon and then I am going to start a new book. I just plan to have a relaxing day. Hope everyone has a good day!!Seize all the good things in life
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My Daughter is so full of anger. When she picked up my Grandson yesterday she was fuming. I think she is angry with herself. And I have changed the way I react to her, I walk away now. After my Husband’s illness and death, I changed a lot. The last 10 years of my life were spent dealing with people’s addictions and mine too. My Husband was a acholic, my Daughter’s **** problem, and about that time my gambling addiction started. I am tired of it all!! I can’t bail someone out of their addiction, they have to work on themselves. My Daughter is 34 years old, she can’t keep blaming other’s for her actions. I have let her manipulate me, and I think she is angry now that I have put my foot down and said no, it’s enough. I have enabled her. Life is too short. I can’t keep living through others, I want my own life and experiences.Seize all the good things in life
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Liz, you are dealing with the loss of your husband and that alone is difficult enough. I am sorry that your daughter has relapsed again with the *****. You are being really strong in how you are dealing with everything, but I can’t imagine how very difficult it must be for you. It is good that you are able to walk away from your daughter when she is angry and not get caught up in arguing with her. It is difficult not to be an enabler and know what to do. Addictions are so tough for all of us, and sometimes I want to go gambling rather than deal with my husband’s drinking, but I now know that is not the answer. I thank God that your Grandson has you to look out for him. Stay strong and look after yourself.One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Thanks Cat for your support. My Sister says my Daughter isn’t doing ***** but is drinking. Ok, well obviously she has substituted the booze for the *****, which she has done in the past. Cat, I didn’t walk away today from her ranting. We played phone arguing until I turned off my cell phone. I realized it wasn’t going anywhere. I was so upset that I let myself get caught up in all the drama. I wanted to seriously go gambling. I didn’t though. I was good and went to the plant nursery and bought some new plants which I planted in pots. My patio looks very nice!!! I feel like most of my family members think that I should be through grieving for my Husband by now!!! It’s been 17 weeks since my Husband **** and NO, I am still grieving him and missing him everyday. I just need to do what is right for me, and it’s okay for me to feel the way I do. I guess that unless you go through a death of someone close to you, you don’t know how it feels. Thanks for everyone’s support. You all have been so kind and understanding. I have many true friends here!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Today has been another trying day with my Daughter. My Grandson was here and she showed up being belligerent and stood in my front yard screaming and calling me names. It was embarrassing as all my neighbors who were home heard her but more troublesome was that my Grandson was standing there hearing everything. I had talked to her ex my Grandson’s father, as he and I have a good relationship, about her behavior of late and the concern that she is doing ***** or drinking again. He talked to her about it and it fueled her to be mad. I am being threatened again with not seeing my Grandson. My ex son in law said that would never happen as he would make sure I would see him. This is all so sad and depressing.Seize all the good things in life
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(((Lizzy))) I am so sorry to hear about your huge stressors with your daughter. It does sound like your daughter has relapsed, whether it is ***** or alcohol. You are so right that your daughter is responsible for her own recovery. It’s like the grief journey. People have to travel it alone, with the support of others. Nobody can grieve for us, just like nobody can work our recovery for us. Your daughter knows where to access the resources she ***** to live clean. As a mother it has to be so worrisome. Your grandson should not be witness to verbal and emotional abuse directed towards you, as children live what they learn. One thought that does come to mind is that your daughter ***** you to look after your grandson, so the chances of her stopping you from seeing your grandson pretty much don’t exist. Your grandson’s Dad seems to be an A1 guy, and like he said, he would make sure you had your grandson. Even your grandson who is way beyond his years in his ability to understand and communicate would badger his mother about going to see you. Danny is going to be home for 3 weeks at the beginning of August. I will find out the dates and if you want to visit at that time, we can stay at my place in Edmonton. Sounds like you need a break from that heat as well. I will have an air conditioner by then as well. You know that you can invite yourself to my place ANYTIME. And I know that I can visit you ANYTIME. I guess I’ll have to clean my car if you’re coming. LOL! Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post. I didn’t sleep well last night and I didn’t realize how much my Daughter has stressed me out. I was literally sick all night to my stomach. I text her this morning telling her that she is no longer welcomed at my house and how I was really concerned about her behavior especially in front of her son. I told her that she could go through her Ex regarding my Grandson. I will meet her in the parking lot to get my Grandson and I will take him out there when she comes to pick him up. Her Ex agrees with this arrangement and he said he totally understands where I am coming from. I have to set the boundaries with her now as her behavior and abusive actions can no longer be tolerated. So, I am going to take a shower and maybe go to the store. I need to start moving and do something.Seize all the good things in life
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Good Job (((Liz)))! I was going to suggest maybe meeting somewhere else or having a third person drop off your grandson, like your grandson’s Dad, or other responsible individual. You did the right thing for you and for your grandson. Keep setting those boundaries with your daughter and expanding them if you see the need. Teach her that it’s not OK to treat you that way or to act that way in front of your grandson. I spoke with Danny and he is going to look after Ruffuss and the renters’ house so that I can visit with you for a week. Anytime from August 1st is great to fly in. Let me know when you book your ticket. I’m excited now!!! Carole
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Dear (((Liz)))! I had a couple of gambling thoughts today so I am safeguarding myself by not going to town till after 4:00 pm, as my bank will be closed by then. Yesterday I had a few gambling thoughts but I made sure that the errands I had to do started at 3:00 and lasted till the bank closed, so I kept myself safe. Instead of planning how to gamble, my thoughts and actions were geared towards not having the opportunity to gamble. It’s a different mindset than I used to have. I invited Cat to meet us in Calgary and go to the mountains with us. She’s a lovely person and you would really like her. She lives in Manitoba and only one province separates her from me- Saskatchewan. I don’t know if she will meet us, but the invitation is there for her. Carole
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Oh, Carole, I would love to meet Cat!! I hope she can come! I too have had a few gambling thoughts, especially after the scene with my Daughter. I have been able to get through them also. Everything is set, I have my flight confirmation and all I have to do is pack!! We will have a great time!!! So excited!!!Seize all the good things in life
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I am a happy woman this evening as I was able to talk to my Grandson on the phone via my Ex-Son-In-Law. He is leaving to go to Disneyland on Friday (his first time) and he is so excited. He told me he would come over after his trip to tell me all about it. I will be able to sleep well tonight.Seize all the good things in life
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(((Liz))) I’m so happy that you got to speak to your grandson tonight. And also happy that his mother is following through on her promise to take him to Disneyland. I have been feeling lonely since I stopped running around with my move and everything else I had to do. But in actuality, I’ve been lonely in this marriage for many, many years. so really it’s no different. The only difference is lonely without compulsive gambling. I am going to miss my little granddaughters when I move, as I see them frequently. They are in Winnipeg visiting my family and I miss them. It was so hot here today that I feel sick physically. I took Ruffuss to Dairy ***** and bought him some ice cream. Of course that was after the bank was closed. LOL! He has separation anxiety since the other dogs left the house. He was howling when I went to clean the other house. Now I have to take him pretty much everywhere, and if I can’t take him, I have to hurry home so he doesn’t get too distressed. He’s my biggest barrier to gambling right now. LOL! Hope you sleep well and hope I do too. Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post. I slept ok as I had to get up early for my cardiologist appointment. All is well and I don’t have to go back for 1 year. I have to have some blood work done in the morning and then I am going to my Mom’s for the weekend. It is a little cooler there! Seize all the good things in life
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Leaving for Canada tomorrow, yeah!! I had a peaceful day. I had lunch with a friend who always has great stories to tell. She is 80 years old and a fire cracker!!! She is one of the most interesting people I have ever known. I love to hear her stories about adventures she has experienced. Her Mom lived to be 104 years old and was a live wire too!!! Good genes! I think I am progressing in my grieving for my Husband. I seem to be coming out of the fog and thinking clearer. I get sad but it isn’t taking over my life. I just need to figure out what I want to do with my life now that I am alone. I have had gambling urges here and there, but I haven’t acted upon them. Seize all the good things in life
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I am leaving early tomorrow morning for home. I have had a wonderful time with Carole. She took me to Banff, we rode the gondola, Lake Louise was breathtaking, and we were on top a of glacier at the Columbia Icefields. The hotel we stayed at had a beautiful cave grotto hot pool, so relaxing. We had fun shopping and doing a lot of eating. I miss my Grandson and he started 2nd grade today. I am sure he will have a lot of things to tell me about his day!! Seize all the good things in life
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Yes Carole, way too much eating!! LOL!!! I feel for Kevin and his family. I had a awesome day with my Grandson. We went to the butterfly exhibit, the largest one in America. It was awesome! I had a big butterfly on my head for the longest time. Finally, I asked a worker there to remove it. We went to Walmart afterwards to get my Grandson some new school clothes as he has outgrown everything. I also bought a toy organizer for his room here. We came home and went swimming with all the kids who live here. A busy day!!! We are going to meet my Daughter in the morning at church. Afterwards, she is going to show me their new apartment and my Grandson’s new school. We plan to go for lunch also. My Grandson has been stuck to me all day. He missed me a lot when I was in Canada. I feel the same!! No thoughts of gambling for me!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Oh, I am moving slow today. Yesterday, we went full blast all day!! We are going to the later church service today. I had thoughts this morning of my Husband but they were happy thoughts. I need to contact my lawyer this week to get the condo issue taken care of. I feel like that is the only negative thing hanging over me. Two women who live in the condo community have asked me to go to dinner with them soon. I know one real well but not the other one. I didn’t hesitate and said yes. I need to put myself out there more as I would like my circle of friends to be larger. Being married for so many years, I didn’t pursue a lot of friendships as he and I were together most of the time. So, at 55 years old, I am trying to make new friends and adventures. My old life is gone as I know it and it’s time to reinvent my life being alone. Exciting and scary at *****. What’s that saying? Life is what you make it!!Seize all the good things in life
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Yes Cat, I hope we can meet someday! My Grandson and I saw Planes yesterday. Very cute movie!! I had lunch with my oldest Daughter today and we went to my Grandson’s school and I met the Principle. Her new apartment is very nice! I feel that she is in a good place mentally and is doing all the things she ***** to for herself and her son! She hugged me when I left like she really meant it, and it brought tears to my eyes. I am doing laundry and cleaning today. Yeah, not fun but has to be done!! No thoughts of gambling today!!! Seize all the good things in life
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It’ so good to hear that you and your daughter are friends again (((Liz))). Your daughter seems to be managing well as she has secured herself a nice apartment. It will probably be better for everyone concerned now that she is on her own with your grandson. I bought an antique looking table for my bedroom for beside my bed today. it requires assembly and so far I’ve taken it out of the box. Why can’t things like that come preassembled for people like me? I’m signed up for the Tuesday evening recovery support group. I’ve also got an addiction counsellor again. My oldest granddaughter and I are signing up for beginner’s yoga starting in September. Carole
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Dear (((Liz)))! That is obscene that it was 109 degrees yesterday where you live. It was hot here as well but not that hot! It at least cooled off enough here to sleep, with all the windows open and the fan blowing. I didn’t dream about gambling, but woke up with a feeling that I had gambled yesterday, and I have to reassure myself that I didn’t. I’ve never had that happen before unless I had really gambled in real life. I certainly wouldn’t want to go to my group next Tuesday and have to say I didn’t have a good week. I’m going to drive in to the city for the group as I think it’s really important that I go on a weekly basis. I notice that when I slip and have a gamble, that my clear-headed thinking evaporates for a few days, which I don’t like. I ran to the bank yesterday evening and deposited all the cheques and cash that have been in the house since August 1st, as Danny hadn’t deposited them. I took the grandgirls as no gambling insurance. I notice that Danny is creating his own bachelor pad. He bought himself a Keurig coffee maker, has peanuts in a dispenser beside his lazy boy chair, has beer and premixed cocktails in the fridge, has organized the pantry, has went to the butcher and got himself things he likes to eat like different kabobs, etc. It’s good to see he is moving on, but I detect a certain level of anger. He mentioned that someone had told him I was on Facebook again. He made a comment about now having to explain to other people why his wife was living in the city. I asked him what time he was leaving yesterday, and his response was that he was leaving when he was leaving. I have to sort out the vehicle insurance as unless I do, Neither one of us has insurance as of August 18th. Carole
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I’m glad you’ve taken a step toward getting your life back together. I’m just like you, I’m new here as well and looking to fight this disease to have a brighter future. I know we all can, there is so much support here from everyone and it’s amazing. The way I see it is that you already have my respect. It takes courage to take the step you’ve taken. I hope you stay strong and not give in to the urges. We are always here for you and you will have my support.forgive but never forget
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Thanks for the posts. I enjoyed the weather while visiting you Carole. It will be at the end of October before I can open the windows, ect.. and let cool air in. LOL! Cat, the last few days I have been real busy. I’m okay! Tomorrow I am going shopping with my oldest daughter. She is looking to buy a new bed for her son. Maybe we can have some lunch while we’re out. My Grandson is spending part of the weekend with me. We haven’t decided whether we are staying home and chilling or going to do something. I treated myself to a medi/pedi today. I love going to the salon as the 3 women who work there are so entertaining. They have me laughing the whole time. No gambling thoughts lately. Seize all the good things in life
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Hi Liz,
just popping in to see how things are going in your world. You seem to be doing well through the challenges life has sent your way. I read your post on Carole’s thread and want to say that you are such a thoughtful kind person. Sending a big hug your way! I hope you have a great day ?? I’ve been enjoying my summer with outdoor activities, the weather has been lovely and we’ve been out boating a lot. Just soaking up nature and the blessings in my life. One of those rare ***** in life where everything that matters is ok, family health, relationships etc. Keep stepping bravely forward Liz! Your hubby is smiling down on you.
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Laura thanks for your post!! I am glad that everything is going well for you. I think my hubby is smiling down on me also. I did have a great day! I spent the day with my oldest daughter. She found a bed for my Grandson and it is going to be delivered next week. (wood bunk beds with built in drawers and a desk) Now he can have sleep overs!!! We had a nice lunch together. My Grandson is spending the weekend. It was 114 degrees today. I would like to do something with him this weekend, but what do you do when it’s that hot outside?? We’ve seen every kid’s movie and done all the indoor things this summer. Well, we will figure out something. Have a good weekend everyone!!Seize all the good things in life
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We spent the day indoors playing games ect… I went through all my Grandson’s toys and organized them. We have a lot to donate!! We are getting ready for dinner. I made lasagna and garlic bread. Yum!! Going to go to church and sunday school tomorrow. No urges to gamble!!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! Good to hear you didn’t gamble and that you’re feeling better. Sorry to hear that your grandson is in the middle of family drama once again. I loved the bunk beds you bought your grandson and the bedding that was on them. I woke up this morning to the first day of living alone in my new place with no company, other than my cat. If you read on facebook, I have had an interesting week. When I was in the country I dropped a heavy table on my foot and it burst a blood vessel and I had a lump almost the size of an egg on the top of my foot, as well as swelling, bruising, and lots of pain that first day. The blood has mostly reabsorbed in my foot, but I still have a small amount of pain, my foot is still swollen, and I have bruising. The next day I take my car into the dealership to have a complete major service where they look at everything, and I find out at the end of the day that they couldn’t do the service as they didn’t have the right parts. My appointment for the car was at 8:00 am. The next day I figure nothing can go wrong and I take my car into the dealership where I bought it in the city, to get a new windshield, and the company that does the windshields hasn’t been booked for me. So no new windshield. I call telus as I supposed to receive a new big screen TV for a 3 year commitment on my cable and internet. I was told 2 to 4 weeks and I had the installation done July 19th. The woman tells me that August 29th the request was sent to their warehouse to send me the TV and that it will take 2 to 4 weeks for me to get that TV. I told the woman that I was on my last nerve concerning telus. She gave me a bit of a discount on my next bill, but it is nothing compared to the aggravation I have gone through with their company. Then yesterday I get up at 6:00 am to attend my re-scheduled CPR/First Aid course, and the fire alarm keeps going off in the building due to water in the basement from a rain storm. I’m re-re-scheduled to attend next weekend. On the positive side, I figure that this coming week something I try to do, will work out. I have my cat and he is settling in with me. There is lots of family drama going on in Danny’s family, and I’m glad I’m not there to even see it. For all the things that haven’t worked out for me, I had no control over any of them, with the exception that I was the one that dropped the table on my foot. The person that borrowed the tables 2 months ago was supposed to return them and didn’t so I told her I would pick them up instead. "V" got her results for the 2 days of testing regarding her heart. She did not have a heart attack and she has no blockages anywhere. She was expecting the worse so she said she felt like celebrating. Kevin’s memory hasn’t improved one iota and he is taking up an acute care bed in the country hospital while his family waits for him to get into a brain rehab facility. I don’t believe that Kevin will ever be able to live independently again. His short-term memory is terrible and he seems stuck in another time. Every few minutes he asks the same question and doesn’t remember that his dad has ****. When he asks where his dad is, and he is told that he **** 5 years ago, it’s like it’s the first time he hears that, and gets very depressed. I suggested that the family steer the conversation to something else when he asks about his dad, as he is deeply hurt every time he hears that info or that they ask him where he thinks his dad is. Carole
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Wow Carole, you had a heck of a week. When it rains it pours. Things can only get better!! I have had a great time with my Grandson this weekend. Today we went to the Zoo and Aquarium. So much fun!!! We went and had Mexican food afterwards. In for the rest of the day. Tomorrow, doing homework as he only has two days of school this week. He is amazing. He has never complained about his fractured wrist or the cast. His cast will be replaced this week with a new one (glow in the dark) that he has to wear for 2 weeks, then if everything has healed properly he can return to his normal activities, karate, baseball, and being able to play on the playground at school. He is a little trooper!!1Seize all the good things in life
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(((Liz))) I missed how your grandson injured his wrist. You are sure spoiling him in a nice way. I’m sure that some things will work out this coming week. My granddaughter had a freak-out about something I posted on her fb. I told her to delete me off of her fb. If you’re posting something on a public domain, you can’t get freaked out when someone comments on something! I let her be angry and later she apologized to me, saying she was angry at something that had happened with her friends at the bar the night before, and she allowed that to fuel her anger at me, and didn’t use her skills in dealing with me, because she had been drinking the night before and hadn’t got enough sleep. So that got resolved. I also had some calm words with V as I felt that she had talked about me behind my back. All I wanted was a "I’m sorry! I had no sleep the night before and was drinking." It was just a little thing she said but I was hurt by it, so I wanted to mention it to her. We are in the process of working it out, as neither one of us wants to lose a long-term relationship over this. I’m sensitive to criticism coming out from my relationship with Danny and his family. It isn’t that I haven’t talked about people behind their back; it’s just that some friendships I don’t expect that person to say anything negative about me. Nor would I ever say anything negative about them. Carole
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Today we did some shopping came home and had lunch. It’s cloudy and gloomy here today. Nothing much going on. I am a bit tired, it’s not easy keeping up with a 7 year old. Looks like my Daughter won’t be here till evening time. Long story, part of the drama! I am doing what I think is best for my Grandson. I can’t change anyone or their behavior, it is up to them. Seize all the good things in life
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I had a great weekend with my Grandson. My Daughter and I had a talk this morning via the phone. We are working on our relationship but it has not been easy. It will take some time but I feel good on the progress we have made. Little steps!!! We are learning to listen to each other and I am working on my patience level. I am trying to not jump to conclusions, and I am working on letting go of past experiences and focusing on the now! I have found that how I react to events has a profound effect on the situations going on. I am responsible for my actions not others actions. I will continue to voice my opinions about my Grandson when I feel it is in his best interest, but I can’t cross the line with anger, I must use the voice of reason. I am learning so much about myself. It is never too late!! I am going to finish going through my kitchen today, downsizing. I have decided if I have to move from the condo after the probate has gone through, it may be a good thing. I will have the memories of my Husband with me. A fresh start in a new place might be a good thing. We will see how this all plays out. I am staying positive. Going to the donation place today to drop off some boxes of kitchen stuff. Going to be busy today, no urges of gambling!!!Seize all the good things in life
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(((Liz))) You have mentioned moving from your condo a couple of *****. I love your yard and the fact the pool is right in front of your condo. You will know if you should move and when. There may be some great deals in the upside down real estate market where you live. That may be easier than renovating in an older complex, as the value of your condo is also determined by what other unrenovated condos are selling for in your complex. I hate that part when they ****** the value of your home, as they take three other similar properties and what they are selling for. Thanks for the post on my thread. I think I am running into people in my life that have never had to take responsibility for their actions with me. Even Danny says he has always treated me nothing but nice and kind. Is he delusional?? It has been not nice nor kind. I read to my daughter what messages V and I had exchanged privately on fb, and my daughter said I didn’t say anything aggressive. V said I could talk to her if something was bothering me, so I did. I have decided not to worry about it, as it upset me for a few days. I can’t make anyone take responsibility for their words or actions, so the rest is up to her. I vacuumed a little today, cleaned my kitchen, cleaned my bathroom, and am laundering bedding. Hopefully, I’ll get my new windshield today! Tomorrow I am going to the office to pay for my professional dues and submit a learning plan and a self-******ment of my practice skills. Then I’m going to an out of town vet clinic to see about adopting a cat with one eye, as the cat with 3 legs is not up for adoption because of health ***** related to his missing leg. Ferris will love having a companion once they adjust to each other. Then I can start looking for a job. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I tried to play it off to myself as low blood sugar and that I hadn’t eaten. So there I am shaking so badly that I had a hard time drinking orange juice and eating cheese and crackers. It reminded me so much of the anxiety attacks and the going blank in the interviews I had last year while I was looking for a job. I haven’t been gambling!! Carole
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My dumb hot water heater went out today! I really didn’t want to spend anymore money on this place till I find out what’s going to happen with the probate. I have a company coming out this afternoon to give me a estimate. I didn’t let it get to me as things happen. Get a new one and move one!!!!Seize all the good things in life
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Sorry about your "dumb" hot water heater (((Liz)))! When you sell the condo, you can say "there’s a brand new hot water heater!!" I was driving down Whyte Avenue today and thought of you, thought of all the places there, we hadn’t gone into. I took that big ugly rooster off my kitchen counter, and put him in the corner when you first walk into my door. Hopefully we’ll be able to see each other again, sooner than later. I’d still love to do the Oregon Coast as it’s my favorite place to go. I would have to leave the driving to you, as I’m getting to be a not so good driver living in the country all these years. Once I start working, I won’t be able to be spontaneous about travelling. That sucks for me!! Carole
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The guy is here working on draining the water heater. It is full of calcium deposits, so draining it is a pain. Hopefully, this won’t be a all day deal. Carol, I am sure we will have a lot more adventures together. I did laundry this morning and dropped off 2 boxes of stuff at the donation place. The kitchen is now done, all the cabinets and drawers have been gone through, cleaned, and I have downsized a lot. The next place to attack is my master bedroom and bath. It will have to wait till next week as I am going to my Mom’s this weekend. So, while this guy is working on the hot water heater, I guess I will play games, read, or watch TV. Seize all the good things in life
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Catching up on threads and was reading yours. You have been so busy!!! Wish I had some of your energy right now. I need to take a trip to the dr’s since my right foot has been acting up the past two weeks and I am limping like crazy. I may have damaged a nerve or ligament. It’s frustrating since I walk to and from work each day and it takes me a lot longer than usual. Sounds like your place is getting very organized, I love my uncluttered apartment and come home each day in amazement at how my life has changed so much for the better. Take care and keep up the good work, Deb.
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Thanks Truly for your post. I am a organized type of person, so decluttering works for me!! I am going to spend the day with my Grandson as he has no school. Not much planned for today. I am sure we will find something to do. Have a great gamble free day everyone!Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! The TV has finally arrived!!! I’m going to try my hand at hooking it up later today. I woke up with a headache and am feeling tired so I may have a nap with my "boys." They haven’t fought at all, though Ferris hissed at him a couple of *****. They actually touched noses a few *****, so we’re off to a good start as far as compatibility goes. Pablo comes to me for affection as well. I can imagine how hot it is where you live. It’s been scorching here, and I’m tired of the heat. Carole
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I am hanging out with my Grandson today! We have made a trip to Toys are Us and McDonalds already. LOL! My Daughter brought over a stuffed bell pepper and grilled brussel sprouts for my dinner tonight. She is a excellent ****!! Oh, we did get the car cleaned and gassed up while we were out. It is 107 here today and humid. I will get some relief from the heat when I am up at my Mom’s this weekend.Seize all the good things in life
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(((Liz))) I cannot imagine living where it is so hot during your summer months, and then still hot during the winter months. It makes me appreciate the 4 seasons here. I can understand that you don’t want to spend a lot of money till you get the condo issue settled with your husband’s daughter. I’m sure that situation is stressful for you. I applied for a job that I think would suit me perfectly. It’s doing SW in a rehab facility. I really want it and I hope to be asked to interview for it. I am just so much more relaxed in my own place and life is good. I saw positions advertised in the heart of the inner city and considered applying, but in reality, I’m too scared of contracting lice, scabies, and especially bed bugs. That would stress me out too much. My two cats are getting more used to each other and are play fighting. I was telling my granddaughter that I told Danny about getting another cat, and she thinks he went quiet and didn’t get angry because he thought I was going to tell him that I had someone in my life. Why would I want to complicate my nice relaxed life with a man?? Today I am going to go out for groceries, and launder my bedding. It will be great that you can cool down at your Mom’s this weekend. I am on course the next two days and it is in an air conditioned building and I get to socialize with the other participants. My foot is still hurting so I will wear socks in the classroom as opposed to sandals. Carole
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Hi Liz, just catching up your posts, and of all the posts you have made the one that made me envious… is the one about taking your grandson to Toys r Us and McDonalds, as that is what we do with our two grandsons when we visit with them. We are going to take a trip and spend Christmas with them. With the exception of last Christmas, we have spent every one with them. I also notice that you are busy de cluttering and I know that I need to do that as well. I am my own worst enemy as I think of all that I need to do and then I get so overwhelmed and want it all done immediately. I have been setting an alarm and saying okay you can do it for 30 minutes and it has been working. I hope that you have a good visit with your Mum and also enjoy the cooler weather. I am planning to continue de cluttering this weekend. I will keep doing the 30 minute thing and I will eventually get there. By the time I am finished doing the house it will then be time to start again!!! I can really see that you are getting stronger in dealing with the situation with the condo and your husband’s daughter. You are dealing with it even though it is difficult, but you are accepting "it is what it is" and wanting to get it resolved so that you can move on. As the song goes… You’ve come a long way babe!!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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Cat thanks for your supportive post. I am getting help from my Daughters in my de-cluttering efforts. I like the 30 min rule, I might try that too! I am not as overwhelmed by things as I first was after my Husband’s death. I am not sure what I want to do once the condo issue is finished. My Husband bought this property. It is nice, but not what I would of choose. Maybe it is time to move on and find my own place. A lot of thoughts are racing through my head concerning moving. I am going to take things slow. I will figure out what is the right thing for me. It is raining here. I am leaving soon for my Mom’s. Have a great gamble free weekend everyone.Seize all the good things in life
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I had a great 1st day with my Mom then I started getting sick. I think it’s a bad cold. I came home this morning so I could sleep in my own bed. It rained 2 hours straight on my way back home today, still raining here. I think my immune system might be low as I have been having trouble sleeping again. I guess I need to start taking the sleeping ***** my Doctor prescribed to me till I can sleep on my own again. Otherwise not much going on here. I am just hanging out in my pjs taking it easy!!Seize all the good things in life
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(((Liz))) I am checking your thread to see how you’re feeling. It’s good that you have your daughter checking in on you. You have done incredibly well since your husband became ill and then passed on. I know I would have totally fallen apart, and yet you haven’t. You are truly an inspiration! I know that you are under stress with dealing with the condo issue and your step-daughter. "This too will pass!" I hope that it gets resolved quickly. Hope you feel better soon! Carole
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Thanks P and Carole for your posts. Both my Daughters have been by checking on me. I have the flu, I finally ate something today. (hadn’t eaten anything for 3 days) I haven’t been this sick in a long time and it sucks!! Thanks for saying that I am brave and have done well with my Husbands illness and death. Sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions. This is a hard journey I never wish on anyone. I still have some hard decisions to make concerning where I live. I know that everything will be alright. Sometimes change is good and I don’t know if I can move on emotionally or mentally living here. I will make the decisions when I know it is right for me!! I miss my Grandson as it has been 6 days since I have seen him. We talked on the phone and he knows Grandma is sick. I am going to rest some more so I can get better soon! Thanks for caring.Seize all the good things in life
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(((Liz))) It does sound like you have been really ill with that flu. Anybody who has lost a family member knows what an incredibly hard journey grief is. I had a day when my brother **** that I felt very suicidal as I didn’t think I could bear such emotional pain. It’s important to ask for support, and if a person can’t get it from family members, then they need to get it through resources available in their community. With grief a person has good days and bad days, and also very bad days. I thought that it was amazing that you were able to still take your grandson as much as you did, take your Mom to see her sister, and make the journey to come see me, so soon after your husband ****. I know that you are stressed out about the situation with your husband’s daughter, which by the way, seems ridiculous that you should have to share any of your and your husband’s assets with her. Once that is resolved, you won’t be as stressed out. It sounds to me like your decision to move to other housing, is already made, reading between the lines. A new start will probably be good for you. Experts recommend that a person wait a year before making any big changes when a person is grieving, in case a person regrets those changes down the line. Hope you’re 100% well soon. Carole
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Carole, I am not suicidal or having issues with the grieving process. I don’t know where that came from but it was kind of hurtful for me. I am physically ill right now. I almost went to the ER 2 *****. I think I am getting a little better as I am able to eat a little and I am drinking fluids. In the states we are asked not to go the ER for the flu unless we have an immune system disease or we are having chest pains or are infants or elderly. Resting and trying to get better. Have a great weekend everyone!! Seize all the good things in life
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Dear (((Liz)))! I’m sorry if you read that I was thinking you were feeling suicidal because I meant nothing like that! I was talking about myself in the very early grief process when my brother ****. That’s the thing with communication online, sometimes we don’t get exactly what the other person is saying. I’m sorry that you felt hurt by what you thought I was saying. I knew you were physically ill with the flu. If I thought anyone was feeling suicidal I would phone them, not communicate online. I was saying that I thought you had managed incredibly since your husband ****. That you were inspirational on how you have handled things. Carole
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I am glad to see that the new site is up and running! I have been gamble free. Although I have had a few urges. After over 3 weeks with the flu, I am almost at 100 percent. It really knocked me down. I am leaving on Thursday to take my Mom to see her 91 year old sister again. Her Parkinson’s is getting worse and I fear that this might be the last time we see her. So, on the road again to California. I haven’t heard anything from my lawyer concerning the condo and my step-daughter. She hasn’t responded yet to the letter sent to her 10 days ago. It has cooled down a little here and swimming season is coming to a end. That’s all for now. I need to do some cleaning and laundry before I leave on my trip. Take care everyone.
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Bettie, I too noticed that my posts are out of order! I am feeling much better, that flu knocked me down for over 3 weeks. My Daughter and Grandson and I went out for dinner tonight and spent some time together. Thursday I leave with my Mom for California as her only sibling, her Sister who is 91 years old is not doing well. Her Parkinson’s has gotten worse and she is very weak. We will be gone almost a week and although I know it is going to be a sad time for my Mom, she will be able to spend some quality time with her Sister. She didn’t want to go at first, but I asked her to think about it as I didn’t want her to have any regrets when her Sister dies. I will be able to see some cousins whom I haven’t seen in years. I think it will be a good journey. I am doing well emotionally and my youngest Daughter and I are almost done sorting things out at the condo. I have one last ****** to tackle and I am done. I haven’t heard a reply from my step daughter yet. I am going to contact the lawyer when I return from my trip and discuss what we should do next. I haven’t had any gambling urges lately! Trying to stay busy! Take care everyone.
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(((Lizbeth))) I was just checking to see how you are and why you have not posted, but I am relieved to see it is because you are away with your Mother on a trip to see your Aunt. I look forward to reading your post when you return. I hope that you are having a nice visit with your Aunt!!! Have a great day.
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Hi Cat! I am home from my trip. I am tired as I drove straight though to my Mom’s house yesterday, 13 hours. It was a good visit with my Aunt and Uncle. They are both so frail. We had a big dinner with my Cousins, whom I don’t get to see very often. Glad to be home. There’s no place like home!
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Oh, I have another cold. I think I am just getting run down. I need to take better care of myself. I have a appointment on Monday with the lawyer. He had to hire a skip tracer to find my step-daughter as the last address I had was not good and the letter he sent was returned undeliverable. I have decided that when the condo is in her and my name that I will have a appraisal done and then she can buy me out or we will sell it and split the proceeds. My oldest Daughter, Grandson, and I are moving to northern Arizona, about 1 hour from where my Mother lives. My Daughter has bought 40 acres and wants to build a house and I will buy a house there. The population is only 15,000 and we think it will be a good change for us. She is opening her own business there and has already found a retail shop to rent. I am hoping to be able to stay here till after Christmas. My Daughter isn’t going to move till next May when my Grandson’s school is over. I can buy a house and get settled before they move. It will be a change for us but I think a good one. My Husband’s 58th birthday would have been October 14th. Both of my Daughters, Grandson, and I are going to San Diego for 2 days as it was his favorite place. He wanted me to take him there before he died so he could sit on the beach but that wasn’t possible. We are going to spread his ashes there. I am ready to do it and I think he would like it. My youngest Daughter has helped me go through the whole condo and I have downsized, it will be easier when I move. I haven’t had any thoughts of gambling.
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Hi Lizbeth: Just a very quick note in the wee hours of the morning (3:00 a.m. for me). I just read your post and I am so amazed at how strong you are and how well you have handled things since your husband’s passing. I hope you’re giving yourself credit for the remarkable way that you’ve handled things. Way to go!! You’re proof that not matter what our troubles, we can rise above it and that hard times are no excuse to gamble. Good for you!!
Love, RG
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Hi Liz – I am sorry that you have another cold. I hope it does not get as bad as your last one. It is wonderful to see how you are getting stronger in dealing with the loss of your husband. I know that you are still grieving and that you have good days and bad days, but you are moving forward to have a new life. I hope that you get the Condo situation sorted out soon as that would be something else resolved. I would imagine that the weather may not be quite so hot in Northern Arizona!!! I am sure that you will be able to help your daughter out with her retail business as well and it would be a new beginning for both of you. Your Grandson will be with you as well so it would be perfect. It is nice to have a plan for the future. Take care of yourself and be sure to go to the Dr. on Monday.
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Thanks RG and Cat for your posts! I am thankful to have such supportive friends. We just finished having breakfast and my Grandson and I are going to the sporting goods store to get some new baseball pants. He has practice this evening. He is so happy his cast is off and he can do everything again. Thanks RG for your comment on giving myself credit. I don’t do that enough, I think I am the hardest on myself and expect a lot. But I have come a long way since my Husband’s death and I have made a lot of positive steps along the way. Moving and starting a new life is just another step. I am excited about purchasing a new home and moving to a small town. There will be less traffic, better air to breathe, and I love hiking and fishing and exploring new places. I think it is a positive change. Cat, it is warm in the summers there but nothing like Phoenix. I will have to get used to the snow, they get a little not tons of it. Maybe, I will learn to snow ski. Who knows? I will be closer to my Mothers as I will be her caregiver when the time comes, if I can physically handle it. So, all in all, I think that I am doing okay. I will miss the condo, but it was something my Husband purchased and I can take the memories of my Husband with me. Have a good weekend everyone!!
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Too funny (((Liz))) about your grandson and his ninja moves. I can visualize him doing that! Are you planning to live with your daughter and grandson in your new digs?? I am very much enjoying living alone as I find it relaxing. No complaint or mean comment around the corner, so much better for me emotionally. No dealing with Danny’s family anymore! It’s all about me and what I need to do for myself, at my own pace. Carole
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Liz I hope that you are feeling better with your cold and that your Dr. appointment went okay. It is awesome to read about what you are up to with your Grandson. The two of you are a blessing for each other. I find that when I am with my Grandsons I look at things so differently. I look at the world or whatever through their eyes. It really helps to make you feel like a kid again yourself. I love the excitement and innocence that comes from little ones. I am so looking forward to spending time with them at Christmas. Their excitement is contagious and life is wonderful when I am with them. Have a wonderful gamble free day.
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Yesterday I had a appointment with my lawyer about the condo. We have decided to move forward to a formal hearing in front of a judge as the mortgage company is pushing for a personal representative to be appointed and my Step-daughter isn’t responding to the letter sent to her. It is a little more costly than I anticipated but needs to be done. I talked to the bank yesterday and I am going to get prequalified for my mortgage loan early next month. I can get a good interest rate and I intend on putting a large amount down on my new place. Then I will find a realtor in the town that I am moving to. I have a realtor here who wants to sell the condo for me. It feels strange to be selling and buying homes without my Husband. I guess it is just another part of my new journey.
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Today was a good day! I showed my car today, he said he needed to talk to his wife first. No problem if he doesn’t want it as I will keep showing it till I get it sold. It will pay for my lawyer. My oldest Daughter is have a jewelry party are Friday, so I went over to her place today to help her clean and we went shopping for the food and drinks. She and I are getting along a lot better. It is bittersweet as I think my Husband’s death brought us together. He would be happy! It looks like it’s going to rain here. Nothing else going on. I hope everyone had a great gamble free day. Take care!
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Today was a busy day for me. I found a realtor in the town I am moving to and on Saturday I am looking at 4 houses. She suggested no more than 4 at a time so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed. I am excited. She sent me a list and I picked out the 4 I liked. Three of them are backed by forest. Hopefully I will be in my new home by Thanksgiving so my kids and Grandson can have our holidays there. I will be going back and forth as I am still going to help out my Daughter with my Grandson. I can stay with them in their apartment. My Daughter and her business partner are opening their retail store the day after Thanksgiving. My Daughter will be up on weekends but will be in the city during the week working. My youngest Daughter and her boyfriend were over today and they are going to help me move. They said I am not paying for movers when they can do it. It looks like things are falling into place! My lawyer’s paralegal called today and I have a Monday appointment with him. Coincidently, my Husband’s 58th birthday. I hope he is going to tell me that our court date is soon. I have been doing pretty good emotionally. I still have small breakdowns but I think that is normal.
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I was just thinking about the name of my thread. Feeling hopeful, that is how I have been feeling the last few days! I sold my car today (the one that I was going to give to my Mother, but she didn’t want) and I am off to a jewelry party hosted by my oldest Daughter this evening. Tomorrow I am looking at homes to buy. I have come a long way since my first post here. A lot has changed in my life and I feel like I have grown a lot. The weather here is beautiful, 78 degrees. I have a lot to be grateful for. No gambling thoughts either!! Take care everyone.
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Liz I think the word “awesome” describes how well you are doing. It’s like there is a new spring in your step as you are making plans and moving forward in your life. I know that you still think of your husband and have bad days or moments, but you are taking things in your stride. I am so happy to see it as I know you have been through so much. I don’t mean that you were not close with your daughters before, but it’s like there is a new closeness with them. They sound as if they are there to support you more. I am so excited and happy for you to be looking at a new house. It sounds as if your weather is at a more bearable level now. I hope you have fun at your daughter’s jewelry party. Keep posting about all the great things you are doing as you move forward!!!!
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I loved your last post, you have come a long way. You are moving forward and you have had a huge amount to deal with. I know you will have days that are terribly hard, i know you will always miss your hubby. I am proud of you. You are doing so well. You are not gambling, and you are moving ahead and doing what needs to be done in a positive way.
P
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Dear (((Liz)))! Your life seems to be moving along pretty fast. You are a get ur done type of girl!!! Good to hear that you sold your vehicle and for the life of me can’t figure out why your Mom didn’t want that nice vehicle with a brand new motor. I’m excited to hear that you are going to have a new home. I need to come see your new place once you settle in. Is it possible that the judge could award you the entire equity in the condo? I am hoping that happens as it was the work that both you and your husband did that build up that equity. What kind of retail business is your daughter opening up?? I’m at my daughter’s looking after my granddaughters while they whoop it up in Vegas with their friends. I’ll be back at my place by Monday evening. Carole
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Carole, I posted on your thread a few mins ago. My house hunting was disappointing yesterday. I understand that my choices are limited in a small town but really, some of these places were terrible. More work than I am willing to do. The last home I put a bid on but cancelled it this morning as I had time to think about it and there were things I really didn’t like. I am hoping that I will be able to go back this week and look before Friday as we are going to San Diego to celebrate my Husband’s birthday. Nothing else going on. Not gambling although I have had some urges. Keeping busy!1
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Thanks Vera for thinking about me today. My day started out sad with it being my Husband’s birthday. Another first to get through. Both of my Daughter’s called me this morning with little things that they miss about their father. They both considered him their Dad as that is how he treated them. He never made a difference between them. It helped talking about good memories of him. I saw my lawyer today and filled out and signed a lot of papers for probate court. I will be going to court in about 6 weeks. The skip trace is still being conducted to find my Step-daughter. It will just take time since I had little information, just her name and last address. If for some reason she was never found, than I have to keep her proceeds for when she reappears or after 2 years I get to keep them. I have no doubt that she will be found but in the meantime I will be the personal representative once we go to court. I am going up to see 5 more properties on Wednesday morning that look very promising. Then Friday we are off to San Diego to celebrate my Husband’s birthday and life. Today was just bittersweet!!!
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Liz sometimes you just cant find the words to express what you want to say. I am thinking of you today as your face another first without your husband. Can you think of a special birthday of his that you shared and the happy memories. It is wonderful that your daughters called this morning as they are also thinking of their Dad, but I am sure they are also thinking of you and what you are facing.
You have come a long way Liz!!!! -
Thanks Cat for your post. Both of my Daughter’s and I have grown closer since the death of my Husband. It was rough in the beginning but I think everyone of us were trying to make sense of his death and find our way. This coming weekend when we celebrate his life and birthday in his favorite places and spread his ashes it will bring us even closer together. Everything is falling into place. I think that I will find my house tomorrow and I could possibly close by the second or third week of November. Going to pick my Grandson up from school at noon as it is early dismissal day. Nothing else planned. Have a good day everyone.
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Dear (((Liz)))! That sounds like a wonderful plan to celebrate your husband’s birthday and to spread his ashes the same weekend, in a place he loved! I can’t imagine that’s going to be easy for you, as it’s another final goodbye. I hope that you find just the right house for you that you can just move in to, and not have to do any major renovating. Carole
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I am getting my stuff together for our San Diego trip tomorrow. Helped my Grandson finish his book report and we are just waiting for Mom to show up. I bought a house!! Wednesday I made the 2 hour trip to see some more homes and I found one that I really liked and it felt like home to me. My condo has never felt the same since my Husband’s death. I put a offer in and they accepted right away. I am closing on November 13th. It isn’t too far from my Mother. I have a view of the pond and it has been renovated, new carpet, paint, dual pane windows,ect..and alot of updates. It is move in ready!!! I have a nice backyard area with alot of nice trees and shrubs. Also it is all electric which I wanted as most of the places also have propane, which is very costly during the winter. I am really excited!!! Nothing else going on! Hope everyone has a great day!!!
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I am getting my stuff together for our San Diego trip tomorrow. Helped my Grandson finish his book report and we are just waiting for Mom to show up. I bought a house!! Wednesday I made the 2 hour trip to see some more homes and I found one that I really liked and it felt like home to me. My condo has never felt the same since my Husband’s death. I put a offer in and they accepted right away. I am closing on November 13th. It isn’t too far from my Mother. I have a view of the pond and it has been renovated, new carpet, paint, dual pane windows,ect..and alot of updates. It is move in ready!!! I have a nice backyard area with alot of nice trees and shrubs. Also it is all electric which I wanted as most of the places also have propane, which is very costly during the winter. I am really excited!!! Nothing else going on! Hope everyone has a great day!!!
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Liz, firstly congratulations on your new home. You really don’t sit around once you make up your mind about something. You are moving forward to a new life. I am excited for you as you start a new phase of your life in “your home”.
I am sure that the trip this weekend will be emotional for you, but I am so glad that you are doing this as it is another stage in the grieving process, and your family will be with you.
You are doing great and getting there one day at a time. -
I’m delighted you have found a new home Lizbeth. I have no doubt that your husband is up there “pulling strings” for you!
I hope your time away this weekend, despite the sadness ,will help you to move on to the next stage of your life, one day at a time!
You really are an awesome person! -
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I’m so happy that you found the perfect home for you. I am excited to see it and you’ll be in it for Christmas. I hope that your weekend in San Diego brings you peace. I’ve got company tonight. My littlest granddaughter is staying the night as her parents and the other two girls went to a football game in the city here. I took her to Chucky Cheese for supper, and she loved the rides and playing the games. Carole
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I am home from my San Diego trip. We had a awesome time. We went to Sea World and spent time on the beach. Our first day on the beach each one of us found a sand dollar that was intact, a very hard thing to do as the tide usually breaks them apart. This morning was a foggy damp day. There was hardly anyone on the beach but surfers. We spread my Husband’s ashes in the ocean and each of said something about him that we will miss. It was tearful but I feel like everyone had closure, even my Grandson. Than we sat on the beach and watched the waves in silence for awhile. It was good! I am going to start packing soon as I have 3 1/2 weeks till I close on the house and that time will go by fast. Oh, I bought souvenirs for everyone at Sea World and when we stopped for gas on the way home, the place had a lot of things out front for sale. I found 2 turtles made out of plaster with rocks inlayed into their shells. I know it sound strange but they are so awesome! I am going to put them in my new back yard and they are a remembrance of our trip. Feeling good about everything right now. I haven’t had gambling urges lately. Too busy!!
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Liz I am glad that you had a wonderful time on your San Diego trip and were able to spread your husband’s ashes at a place he enjoyed. It is amazing that everyone was able to find a sand dollar intact. I am so happy that you are moving forward and making a new life for yourself. I can’t Imagine packing up in three and a half weeks. OM Gosh you are going to be busy, but it is also exciting as well!!!!
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Thanks for the posts. I don’t know where I would be without all the support everyone has shown me. P, I don’t know how brave I am. I am just doing what I need to do and what I think is the best for me. Thank you for saying that and being proud of me. It’s nice to hear. I didn’t get much packing done today as I had laundry, unpacking to do. I am up early this morning as I can’t sleep. There is a lot going on inside of my head. The lawyer sent me all the papers he is filing to get my court date set in probate court. They can’t find my Step-Daughter. I will have to be appointed personal representative of the estate and after I sell the condo, I will have to keep her part of the proceeds till she comes forward or the statute of limitations runs out. Also, I have to be bonded to be a personal representative. This is beginning to be a pain in the butt. I will get through this with my sanity!! I won’t have a house payment, so I will be able to afford to keep paying the mortgage and association fees and utilities on the condo till it is sold. I am using most of the money left to me from the life insurance for my home. The money went fast paying for hospital bills and treatment (the 20 percent we owed) and paying off bills, the lawyer, ect. I am not complaining as I am fortunate to have it. I figure buying the house is a investment. I think I will be able to think clearer and not have so much on me when I am packed and moved and when the probate is over and the condo sells. I am excited about my new start. Vera, I feel like my Husband has been looking out for me as things seem to be falling into place. I find comfort in that.
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I am trying to find my motivation again today. My new house inspection and termite inspection is tomorrow. I have also hired movers as my move date is November 18th. In the mist of all of this, I am having gambling thoughts. Crazy!!! I am picking my Grandson up from school early today and tomorrow and there is no school on Friday, which nixes me going to the casino. I went on my Husband’s facebook page this morning and just cried reading the caring words his friends had posted after his death and looking at all the pictures of him from the previous year and remembering his struggle with cancer and death. It just hit me hard. I am ready to move as this place isn’t my home anymore without him here. I will be sad but I am excited about my new home. A lot has happened this year and I have changed a lot also.
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The town I am moving to has a casino. I have checked and there is a GA support group there that I can attend and I will continue here with GT for a lot of support. In Arizona almost every city and town has a casino. That is real sad as they are profiting from some people who have addiction problems. Just real sad!!! I have been having urges today but I have my Grandson this afternoon and my youngest Daughter is coming over after work to help me pack. I am determined not to gamble!!!
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My new house passed the home inspection today, no problems. I had my Grandson this afternoon as it as a early dismissal day from school. The next 5 days are going to be aimed only at packing!!!! Oh, the skip tracer found my Step- daughter, although no contact has been made yet. She is living in a state far from Arizona and is using her mothers second married last name as her own. Her phone has been disconnected but they think they have found her employer. The plot thickens!!! In 25 days, I will be into my new home and we can deal with the condo. I am hoping for a court date in December so I can be appointed personal representative of the estate. I will be happy at this point to give her the 1/2 of the condo when it sells as I want this over with. I have a lot of things going on and when this issue is settled, I feel like I can move on and live a normal life again.
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(((Liz))) I’m so happy that your house passed inspection and that the skip tracer located your step-daughter. I’m sure she will be shocked her father has passed away. I hope she does the right thing and refuses the condo proceeds. It will be great once you’re moved and can put that behind you. You have a lot going on so I can imagine that you would have gambling urges. You’re doing great (((Liz))))
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It must be a huge shock to your step-daughter to hear of her father’s passing, Lizbeth. Did she not know he was ill? Depending on your relationship with her, she may or may not take her inheritance. I must admit I have come across a couple of gold diggers in my day. Some in my immediate family. It amazes me how people react when it comes to money. All sense of dignity and respect can be lost. All you can do is what is best for you Lizbeth and that does not include gambling.
You have born your cross with dignity. -
Thank you for your kind words on my thread, Lizbeth. I like what you said about reinventing ourselves and finding our own path. You are living that right now. Getting ready for your new life in your new house! I admire you, Lizbeth! A lot of change for you, but don’t give in to those gambling urges. You are a strong woman.
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Hi Liz
You are on the verge of a new and exciting adventure and I wish you well.
Please get yourself banned immediately from the casino.
A new home in a new area Liz can be a good time to make new and very determined resolutions – your happiness in your new life is the most important thing.
Put your shell turtles where you can see them when you leave your home as a reminder of all that was good in your past and also all that what was not good. There could never be a better time to put all that was not good behind you – let the turtles act as conductors who always point your feet in a safe direction.
I don’t write on your thread much but I have read it many times and got inspiration from it. Move on and live that normal life you crave – you can do it.
Velvet
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Lizbeth it is wonderful that you have a new home and that all is going ahead. I don’t know the story between your step daughter and her father, but I would imagine that it will come as a shock to her, and she may have regrets. I know from your posts that you are a caring person and will treat this situation with dignity. It is a very difficult situation for you and I hope and pray that you are okay with everything. In reading your posts it is as if the path is mapped out for you to move as if it was all meant to be.
I am excited for you as it will be wonderful to have your new home to work on and make it your own comfortable haven!!! -
Thank you everyone for your posts. Firstly, I am going to ban myself from the casino where I am moving and I am going to start going to GA meetings again. I haven’t been active in my recovery in sometime and it’s time for me to start. They think they have found my Step-daughter but there has been no contact with her yet. If they find her employer than they can send the letter to her there. There will never be any one on one contact with her from the skip trace. I wonder how she will react. She isn’t even using my Husband’s last name and she cut off all contact with him 12 years ago. They were never real close as the divorce happened when she was 2 years old. Her Mother wasn’t kind to my Husband and played a lot of games with him such as moving to another state for 2 years without notifying him. I am sure she said a lot of negative things about him. I am prepared to split the proceeds from the condo with her as that is what Arizona law dictates. I expect her to take the money. I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me. So, I don’t know what kind of person she is. It is what it is and it is for me the last hurdle I need to get over to feel like I can move on with my life. Velvet, my 2 turtles are sitting in my condo living room right now ready for our new home. Every time I look at them I will remember our trip to San Diego and my new start in my new home. Today, I will be a packing fool!!! Have a good day everyone.
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I am busy packing still! I am not as far as I had hoped but I am trying to get other things related to my move done also. The home inspection is done and nothing is majorly wrong, just a few minor things need to be fixed. I have my home insurance in place and today I am going to get new cell phone service and get rid of my land line. I got up early to have my car serviced (oil change and tire rotation). Utilities, garbage pickup, water, cable, and internet have to be turned on to the new place before I move in. Just time consuming things I need to get done. I did take a break yesterday and my youngest Daughter and I went to a psychic fair. Now, I do believe in God (a higher power) but I do believe some people have psychic abilities. I had a session and it was fantastic. My Husband kept coming through. The psychic told me about my new home and described the weird shaped windows in the dining room. One of my favorite things about the home. He described the backyard totally and the peaceful and quiet neighborhood. According to him, the condo issue won’t be resolved till after January. I know that is true as I don’t even have a court date yet and in December it is hard to get a court date here. It was very interesting and he said to put the condo into God’s hands and it will be taken care off. I have already done that. My Daughter wasn’t as impressed with her psychic!!! Well it was a fun afternoon!!!
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Liz you really are just going like the “energizer bunny”. I don’t know how you are managing everything that you have on your plate right now!!! I have been going through boxes that we have in our basement, as we are trying to purge and get rid of stuff. It is unbelievable how much work it is going through everything, then repacking what we are keeping. My daughter has been over helping me, thank goodness. It really makes me appreciate just how much work it must be for you!!! With working full time we are only doing it one day a week, and I am wondering if I will ever get it finished. I know that it will be worth it when it’s finished. My hubby is a hoarder with his stuff, but not like the ones on TV. It’s funny really as he is always telling me that I need to get rid of my stuff, but he has empty containers and he wants to keep them, but I should get rid of everything LOL I am glad that our daughter is helping as she is the voice of reason. We are renovating the basement for the third time as our daughter is going to move back home next year. I am actually glad as it is making us do something that we have been putting off. It will also help if we decide to sell in a few years.
Liz, sorry to be going on about what we are doing. I think you saying about moving got me thinking how much work you are facing. You really are doing awesome, and I so admire the strength and courage that you have to move forward to a brand new home!!! You really are an inspiring lady!!!! -
Hello lovely lady
My goodness you have a lot going on! Packing, moving, a new start…..im sure it must be overwhelming. As you know im the believer in fate and destiny. Things happen for a reason. You seem very grounded and in control of your life. I like that you have already looked into meetings, it shows your strength Lizbeth, you wont let gambling become part of your life. Congratulations dear friend, I wish you all the best, every happiness and a wonderful gamble free future. I don’t envy the packing though!!!! Worst job ever!!!!!
Take care, Love K xxxx -
Hello lovely lady
My goodness you have a lot going on! Packing, moving, a new start…..im sure it must be overwhelming. As you know im the believer in fate and destiny. Things happen for a reason. You seem very grounded and in control of your life. I like that you have already looked into meetings, it shows your strength Lizbeth, you wont let gambling become part of your life. Congratulations dear friend, I wish you all the best, every happiness and a wonderful gamble free future. I don’t envy the packing though!!!! Worst job ever!!!!!
Take care, Love K xxxx -
Thanks Cat and Kathryn for your posts. Cat, I always like to hear what’s going on in your life. I’ve done the renovation thing and it is a lot of work but worth the outcome. Kathryn, thanks for your uplifting post. I believe also that things happen for a reason and in fate and destiny. I didn’t do a lot of packing today. But I had my car serviced and I bought a new cell phone and service so I can get rid of land line when I move. I had a great lunch with my oldest Daughter and my youngest Daughter came over after work and we loaded up a cabinet my Sister was storing over here so she could take it back to her. Another thing to cross off my list. I am going to bed early so I can get up tomorrow and get some more packing done. In the evening I am going to my Grandsons baseball game. A lot going on!! I am excited to move into my new place and start the next chapter of my life. My Daughter’s retail shop opens the day after Thanksgiving. It will be a exciting time for her. My Grandson says he is going to have a desk there also and work and help his Mommy. What a good boy! Thanks everyone for your support. I am hoping to be able to contribute more to everyone once I am settled.
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Just a update that everything is proceeding with my new place. The home inspector found a few little things that need to be fixed before I close. My realtor submitted the list to the buyer’s agent yesterday and there should be no problem. I asked again if I am still doing my walk through and closing in 14 days and the answer is YES!!! I already have movers in place (5 days after closing) and I am at the half way point of having the condo packed up. I started a list of things I need to get down and changed over prior to my move. It will take me awhile to unpack as I will be coming back and staying with my Daughter 2 days of the week to help with my Grandson. His team won the baseball game last night and he got the game ball. He has progressed a lot in his playing and sportsmanship skills. Oh, I worked in the snack bar the first half of the game as it is on a volunteer basis. He is growing so fast and not my little guy anymore. He is spending Friday night with me so I will try to get in as many hugs and kisses as I can! Well, got to go and get back on the packing. Hope everyone has a great gamble free day. Take care.
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Well a few more glitches on the way to my new home. The seller’s agent had to go out of town for a few days so the list of things to fix hasn’t been presented to the seller yet. I am hopeful that things will be taken care of and I can close by the 13th and that I won’t have to change my date of moving. I am still packing and preparing for the move. I took yesterday off to spend the day with my Grandson. He spent the night and we went to a movie. When my Daughter picked him up today we had a little birthday party for her (tomorrow is really her birthday). We bought her some new boots for when she is in our new hometown and a infinity necklace, which she loved. We even baked cookies for her. He was so happy to see his Mom happy. The days seem to be flying as I am so busy. My youngest Daughter is coming over tomorrow to help me so more. I am 3/4 of the way packed. I am so excited about the move!!!
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Things are moving ahead with my new home. The seller wants to give me a credit towards the little fixes I need to do. We are just waiting to see how much. I was so surprised to find out yesterday that I have a probate court hearing for December 4th. I thought I wouldn’t see court till after the new year. Apparently, no contact has been made with my Step-Daughter. They thought they had found her but have ran into another dead end. I am trying to concentrate on my big move. I close on the house in 8 days and I officially will be moving 5 days from the closing date. Very exciting! We are planning to have Thanksgiving dinner in my new home. My Daughters and Grandson are very excited also. No time to let gambling thoughts creep into my head. But I also know that once I have moved I need to not become complacent and need to be active in my recovery. I feel like I have come a long way. Only months ago my world fell apart with my Husband’s death. Now I am starting a new chapter in my life. I feel like everything is going to be fine and that I have found some peace.
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Hi Lizbeth
We never quite know what life will throw at us.. life did throw you something pretty major to deal with and you are transitioning now in a beautiful way. I hope for the best for you with your new home and your court proceedings. I am wishing it goes in your favour as you have been the one to be there.
So happy to read that last line of your post, peace is the highlighted word to me there. That makes me smileP
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Thanks P for your post. I am moving right along as I am closing on the 13th and moving on the 18th. I have accepted the seller’s credit allowance. I am almost all packed. I went this morning and had my eyebrows done and hair trimmed. I feel like a new woman!!! I was a bit irritated yesterday and I want to gamble. But I didn’t gamble and I am dealing with the hurt. My Mom has been talking about me to my Sister. Anyways, my Nephew told my youngest Daughter some things that were being said. It was hurtful. Isn’t your Mom supposed to be supportive and loving? I am moving close to her and didn’t know she felt this way towards me. I know that some of what was said has lost it’s original meaning as I am hearing it in the 4th person. I called my Mom and only addressed one thing, that she wasn’t happy that myself, daughter, and Great-grandson were moving there as she felt we were invading her life. She didn’t deny it. I told her that we didn’t need to see each other daily and if she wanted to see us once a week or whatever it was alright with me. I asked her to talk to me instead of my Sister (whom isn’t talking to me), She was real vague and acted like she did nothing wrong. My oldest Daughter said she felt the whole thing amusing that they had time to discuss our lives and that they weren’t going anywhere and that we were moving forwards. It is what it is, but it was hurtful to me! I accepted the pain and I am working through it as gambling isn’t going to help. How can family members be so mean and petty? I thought I could help her with her yard work and spend time with her as she is alone most of the time. Well, I do have my own life and I will keep busy.
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I thought I had the only mother that was envious of her children! I saw something on FB reciently. It was something to the effect that to” be careful what you say to your children, it becomes their inner voice later.” I responded to my friend that posted it that that finally explained what was wrong with me! I can’t remember my mother ever saying she was proud of me. She never told me I was pretty. The first time I remember her telling me she loved me was when I was 16 and in very bad condition after having my gall blatter and apendex removed.
In recovery I am learning to let that stuff go. She had an awful childhood where she went hungey and was insecure. I have to accept she did the best she could. It wasn’t that I wasn’t loveable, she just wasn’t capable of giving what she didn’t have.
My mom is an unhappy person and she gets kicks out of saying stuff to tick people off. A great example is watching the Bears game and they screw up. She wil say something like “Ha Ha HA! I KNEW they would loose!”
Looks like I ran away with your thread-sorry about that!
You’re doing great Liz! Don’t let her take your joy!
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Liz it is interesting as I think all of us have challenges with families at one time or another. Personally, I would have thought your mother would be thrilled that you are moving closer to her. As well as her Granddaughter and Great Grandson being close to here. It will be interesting to see if she changes her way of thinking once you are there. Also, who knows what your sister has been saying to her. Your sister may be feeling guilty that you are going to be closer to your mother, and who knows she may be a bit jealous. Your sister may have been saying things to your Mother about you moving closer to her, and how it could be an impact on your Mother’s life there. I am just surmising, but who knows what the future will bring in regards to your Mother. As she gets older your mother may be the one saying how she is glad that you are living close to her.
I am glad that everything is working out for you in regards to your new home. It will be wonderful to have a new home that you chose. It will be so much fun for you to add your own personal touches to make it your own. It is an exciting time for you and I am sure that it will keep you busy until you get it how you want it.
Liz don’t let anyone spoil this exciting time for you. You have been through so much and it is time for you to have some positive energy around you. You are one amazing lady and you go girl!!!! -
Thanks Bettie and Cat for your posts! My Mother is a very angry person. I have tried everything to get her to open up to me but she won’t. I think she likes to stir the pot between my Sister and I. We all know someone like that. I don’t talk to part of my family as they stopped talking to me and my oldest Daughter after the death of my Husband. They acted inappropriately and were very rude. I have stayed out of their lives but have hopes that one day we will talk again. If there is any jealousy on their parts that is very sad as the only way that I am being able to make this move is because of my Husband’s death. (insurance) I would give anything in this world if things were different and he was still here with me. If my Mom gets ill or something happens to her, it would be me taking care of her not my Sister. She told me a long time ago when my she wasn’t talking to my Mom, that she was my responsibility. I have never told my Mom the horrid things my Sister has said about her. Why? But my Mom takes the time to tell my Sister everything I am doing. Yesterday when I called my Mom to try to talk to her about this situation she lied to me and wouldn’t take any responsibility for her actions. She has never been very supportive or had a lot of positive things to say in my life only negative things. I should be used to how she operates but it still saddens me. The positive, is that I am always trying to work on myself, my faults, and I try to be a better person. I am not going to let anyone steal my joy! I feel like I have came a long way in the last year! Thank you friends for your support!
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Dear (((Liz)))! it does seem funny that you’re moving to a small town and that I am now living in the city. I am so busy working fulltime now that I don’t have the time to post to others threads, like I would like to. I so enjoy living alone as it’s so much less stress and I can actually relax when I’m home. My days off are going to be Tuesdays and Wednesdays, though I think I’m going to have to put boundaries around those days for self-care as I think I will get asked to work on days off. I’m off to shower and get my war paint on for my shift today! Carole
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Carole, I am glad that you are doing soo well! I am moving closer to my closing date of this Wednesday. I am going to officially move (movers) on the following Monday, the 18th. I have been emotionally detaching myself from the condo. Although I will be sad to leave my friends here, I am ready and excited for my new start. I have been having issues with the upstairs neighbors. Their son hit my new car with their car door and it turned ugly when I said something to them about it as they never said anything to me. Also, they have always been noisy. I understand they have children and I can expect some noise, no problem. But they have no respect as the kids bounce balls and jump up and down all afternoon on the weekends instead of being outside playing. So, I won’t miss having common walls on both sides of me and neighbors above me. I went away this weekend as I bought a spa package online (a lot cheaper than usual). I went by myself and thoroughly enjoyed it. I was pampered and I was able to relax and de-stress before the move. My Daughter, her friend (business partner) and my Grandson were up at the new store this weekend doing some cleaning and painting as the store will open the day after Thanksgiving! A lot is going on but things are moving and coming together for us!! No gambling thoughts either!!!!
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Tomorrow I close on my new home!!! I ran a lot of errands today and I fax a lot of paperwork pertaining to the new home. I think I am just worn out!! I am leaving tomorrow at 7:30 am to go to my new town. I packed the car with a lot of breakables that I have bubble wrapped. I am coming back on Thursday to pick my Grandson up from school and to spend the evening with him and my oldest Daughter. Friday, Saturday and Sunday will consist of packing the remaining things as early Monday morning the movers will be here. I am so glad that I was able to refrain from gambling and going through money that has been used to buy my new house. I feel like a hurdler, I have jump almost all the hurdles and I am approaching the finish line. Today for the first time, my Mother seemed happy about my move. I have asked her to stop talking about myself and my Daughters to my Sister as it is very hurtful and serves no purpose. It is what it is and I can’t change her or no one else. How I respond to it and handle it is all that I have control over.
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It is wonderful to read your posts as they are so full of excitement as you are moving forward. It sounds as if you are running around doing so much getting everything ready for your move. It will be absolutely wonderful to have your new home. I am happy that your mother is starting to show that she is happy about your move. It is great that you have achieved all this without gambling!!! So excited for you!!!
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(((Liz))) I’m so happy to hear that you’re excited about your move to your new home. Sounds like your days are going to be busy going back and forth between both places for a while. A day at a time and soon you’ll be all moved, and then you can take your time getting settled in. You’ve accomplished so much in a short period of time. I hope your condo sells quickly and at a good price for you. You and I are moving forward and we’re doing it without gambling. Woowho!!! Carole
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Thanks Cat and Carole for your positive posts! I closed yesterday on my home and everything went smoothly. I enjoyed my Mom’s company and she helped me unpack the car and we had a nice dinner together. I came home to the condo today and it just didn’t feel like home anymore. I am going to be busy the next 3 days getting the odds and ends packed for my move on Monday. Oh, small town life! I went into the gas company and paid a deposit and turned in the application for gas turn-on. The whole place consists of 2 people! The holidays are coming and there are a lot of events for us to attend, always something going on but at a lot smaller scale than I am used to. I can get anywhere in the town within 5 mins. I am going to love it!!! Carole, I hope the condo sells quickly. I am going to put it on the market after Christmas. I have heard nothing else about my Husband’s Daughter. It looks like they have hit another dead end in finding her. Maybe she doesn’t want to be found. Anyways, Cat and Carole, I am glad that we haven’t gambled either. I know if I was still gambling, I wouldn’t have my new home and be moving forwards. I think we should all be proud of ourselves. Life is good!
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So excited for you, Lizbeth. I’ll be thinking of you Monday. So exciting. I know you will fit right into your new home and your new town. Life is filled with highs and lows. We can tell ourselves that we need gambling to get through the lows, but it doesn’t help. It only makes everything worse. Then gambling dulls our highs. Enjoy this high, Lizbeth.
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Thank you ican for your post. I woke this morning knowing that this will be my last day living at the condo. While I am excited for my new home and new life I am getting ready to start, I have been thinking of my Husband and our life here. I know he would be happy for me and I felt in some strange way he lead me to my new home, but it is hard to say goodbye. Everything is bittersweet! My neighbor helped me pack up my car this morning. I am done packing and ready for the movers tomorrow morning. No turning back now. I need to follow my journey and new path.
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Liz I have been thinking of you lots and praying that all is well in your new Home. I am sure that you may be feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that you have to do to get settled, but remember it is one day at a time in this situation as well. I am sure you are busy unpacking and making your new home into your safe haven. I look forward to reading your post all about your move and getting settled. I thought I would just give you a reminder to ban from the Casino that is in town. It would be good to say that you have never been in it. Have a wonderful gamble free day!!!
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Thanks Charles and Cat for your posts. The move went smoothly. I am half way unpacked. My Mom helped me yesterday. A few times she became real tense and controlling, so I tactfully suggested that she go home to rest as we did work hard yesterday. I need to set up my boundaries with her so I don’t get stressed. She seems to take the victim role when she is called out for her behavior. Enough of that, my home is everything I thought it would be. I felt at home as soon as walked through the door. All my utilities and cable and internet has been turned on. I have a lot of yard work to do but I am going back to Phoenix today for 2 days to take care of my Grandson and I will stay at his house. I will be going back and forth till May when school is over and they officially move here. Anyways, it is raining here so the yard work will have to wait. My next door neighbor swept my driveway (leaves) for me the day before I moved in. He and his wife are real nice. A elderly woman lives on the other side of me. I am close to a pond and the geese were in full force yesterday evening. About 10 of them decided to come up to my street and were in people’s yards. One even chased a teen on his bike. So, we will have to watch out for them. The school bus travels right in front of my home. The move was a lot less stressful than I thought it would be and I am happy I did it. I need to go to the condo Friday on my way home to pick of my outside plants. Cat, I will ban myself from the local casino. I have so much to do around here than I haven’t even thought of gambling. Have a good day everyone.
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Liz you really sound more content and happy when you are describing what is going on around your new home. The fact that you have already met your nearest neighbours is great. It sounds as if they are considerate as well, the fact that they swept your driveway before you moved. I am so happy to hear that you are feeling more content. You are going to be busy back and forward until May, but that is okay as it will be a transition period for you. When is your daughter’s business opening? I am just so happy for you that you are moving forward with your life. You really are handling everything so well, and taking things as they come. Have a wonderful time with your Grandson this weekend. I am sure that he will be excited that you are staying with him!!!
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Hi Cat, it is always a pleasure to have a post from you. I do feel more content these days. I took my Grandson to school this morning and I will pick him up this afternoon. He has a baseball game this evening and Saturday is their last. They are undefeated!! I slept with him last night and he told me that he didn’t want me to go home on Friday. It feels good to have someone love you that much! I am doing some laundry and straightening up my Daughter’s apartment for her today. Her store is going to open in December. She was aiming for the day after Thanksgiving, the 29th of this month but it’s not going to happen. I didn’t get that emotional when I left the condo as I feel like my new home is really home to me!! Friday when I leave to go home, I need to swing by the condo to pick up my outdoor patio plants. I won’t go back to the condo until the later part of December so I can clean before it goes on the market. My days are busy but that keeps me out of trouble, gambling!! I am going to join a gym and look into volunteering once a week somewhere after the holidays. Take care everyone and have a awesome day.
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Liz it is great to read your posts and see how far you have come. You are thinking and planning for the future with your move. You are talking about joining a gym and volunteering one day a week. I think you would enjoy volunteering with something to do with kids. You always enjoy your grandson so much. I love being around kids as they make you smile and their excitement is contagious, and you cant help but be happy around them. There are a couple of things that I would love to volunteer at and they are, the hospital holding and hugging preemie babies, and with kids reading to them. I am hoping to retire in 2015 so we will see how I feel then. You are doing amazing. Have a wonderful day and enjoy the love and feelings that your grandson brings you!!!!
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I am so pleased that move went so well for you. That grandson is so lucky to have such a caring grandma. No wonder he doesn’t want you to go home… ??
Your new place sounds like a breath of fresh air and that new chapter can contain whatever you want it to now, gym, volunteer work, that sounds amazing. You are an incredible woman Lizbeth.P
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Hi Cat and P! I came home this afternoon. It is raining and is supposed to be for the next 3 days. It was quite foggy once I was up in the mountains. My Mom and I went grocery shopping for Thanksgiving which will be at my new home. She was sweet and had made stew and cornbread for our dinner. My Daughter and Grandson are coming up tomorrow after his championship play off baseball game. I was there Thursday to go to his game. His team is undefeated!!! I assured him this morning when I took him to school that we would see each other tomorrow. He said it was more fun when I was around. It was raining when I took him to school and he thanked me for getting him new sweat pants and socks. He is a character!!! I am happy with my new place though I need to do some small fixes. I am going to contact a handyman this week. Thank you all for your support. I went by the condo on my way home to get my patio plants and I was emotional at all. The next big hurdle is my hearing to be personal representative of my husband’s estate on Dec. 4th and then to sell the condo. I think it will go fast. It needs some cosmetic work but I think if I price it right it won’t be on the market long. God has heard my prayers and has guided me to where I am today. I feel like everything with the condo is going to be okay. Take care everyone!!
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Dear (((Liz)))! I really liked your condo, especially your yard, but like you said, it was your husband that purchased it, and it no longer felt like home to you, since he passed away. Hopefully it will sell quickly so that you no longer have to deal with it anymore. You have been very busy ever since your husband passed away. You do need to identify some things you enjoy to do, before everything gets resolved in your life such as the condo selling, and the court stuff with your husband’s daughter. You don’t want huge gaps of time where you have lots of time to think about gambling, and you’re at a point where it’s like “now what??” Any plans to get a cat for your grandson??? There will be challenges with your Mom and daughter as negative behavior patterns just don’t go away, even if our hope is for a happy family that gets along well. You have rocked recovery, even with going through the cancer journey with your husband, and his subsequent death, so give yourself a lot of credit for that. I couldn’t have done what you have done, and not fallen apart! Carole
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Thanks Carole for the post! I liked things about my condo but it didn’t feel like my home anymore without my Husband there. It was time for me to move on!! I am going to get a dog sometime next year, probably when my Daughter and Grandson move here in June. It will be a commitment and a lot of work but I love animals. I am thinking of a Golden Retriever. I am looking forward to getting the court thing (Dec. 4th) over with and selling the condo. I am going to find a gym here to join after Thanksgiving. There are 4 to choose from, so I need to see which one will fit me the best. I took a little walk today as it is beautiful here. My oldest Daughter (who is opening the shop here) and I are getting along so well and our relationship has never been better. I think we both have done some changing for the good. My Mom and I are trying. So, I feel positive about that. Our family will never be perfect, who’s is? Thanks Carol for your encouraging words. Looking back to January of this year when we found out my Husband had terminal cancer and his death till now, it blows my mind that I made it through all of that without totally losing it!! I pulled a lot of my strength from my friend’s support. So, thank you all who always were there and send me your prayers and support!! This move and my new home was one of the best decisions that I have made for myself. It’s lovely here and though I have to do yard work now, LOL, it is so peaceful and relaxing here. I found HOME!!
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That is true (((Liz))) that you are going to have yardwork to do in your new place, so that will take up some of your time. A dog sounds exciting. Those larger breeds need to be walked so you’ll get exercise doing that as well. Maybe you can get a cat as well. There are so many cats and dogs that need forever homes. I wish people would be more responsible and get their pets spayed and neutered. I used to love our acreage and will miss the whole cycle of life in the spring and summer. Small town living is wonderful if a person can find enough to do. I’m sure that won’t be a problem for you with your grandson, daughter, and mother living close to you. Is your daughter going to have a web site for online buying? How is your Aunt doing in California?? Carole
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Thanks for the post Carole. I don’t mind doing yard work, it is therapeutic for me. I would love a dog but I don’t think I am getting a cat. Only one pet for me. I can always find something to do here or the surrounding areas. I am going to join a gym, get my house and yard in shape, maybe volunteer, the museums here are asking for volunteers as is the animal shelter and help my Daughter with my Grandson and at the shop when she needs me. Right now my Daughter isn’t doing any online selling. Maybe she will when her boutique is up and running and is stable. My Aunt in California is fine but her Husband was in the hospital for 1 week. He had to have his lung drained and the doctor punctured it. He is home now and doing alright. My Cousin (their oldest Daughter) lives with them and takes care of them or they would be living in a assisted living home. I made deviled eggs, pumpkin bread, and have everything ready for dinner tomorrow. I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. Have a great day.
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Thanksgiving was awesome! I baked my first turkey as I always brought the ham to dinner. It was so moist and delicious. My ex-son-in-law came up and he is staying here helping my Daughter with her new shop. He is building 3 dressing rooms for her this long weekend. My Grandson and I are hanging out playing games, ect… My ex-son-in-law is a electrician and he fixed my electrical problem. Now my shed has electricity and I have outside lights in the backyard. It took him about 5 mins. to figure it out. I have enough left overs to feed a army so I told my Daughter and friends at her shop to come by and eat whenever they are hungry this weekend. Life is good and I am happy!!! Hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving!!!!
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it was so nice to see your positive post today. It made me smile when i read it as i felt that feeling of happiness you were spreading with your words. So happy that things are going well for you. i really admire your attitude to life, you’ve been through so much and you stand tall today.. way to go!!
P
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Today was another peaceful, content day! I went to Home Depot with my handyman/neighbor and picked up the rest of the stuff for the little fixes at my new home. He fixed everything inside and is going to clean the gutters and trim some huge bushes in my front yard. I took my Mom to the dollar store and picked my Grandson up from his Mom’s boutique. We have been playing games and are getting ready for dinner soon. Some glitches in the building of the clothes racks and dressing rooms are being figured out today and hopefully they will be finished by tomorrow evening as my Daughter, Grandson, and the people who are helping her have to leave to go home and back to work on Monday. Starting a new business can be stressful and challenging but my Daughter is hanging in there. A flock of ducks just flew past my house, amazing!! I hear the geese again. Tomorrow my Mom, Grandson, and I are going to a art and craft show. It sounds like fun!!! P, this is the happiest I have truly felt in a long time! My Grandson had a crying session last night about his Papa! I just held him tight and let him cry and I cried with him. He is missed so much!!! But I truly believe that he is watching over us and is happy with the choices that I have made.
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It’s so nice to see you so happy (((Liz)))! Your first turkey; way to go!!! It sounds like you have considerate neighbours! I saw the pictures of your backyard and the surrounding area, and it looks gorgeous and relaxing. Are you going to transplant your memorial bush from your condo yard??? Carole
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Hi Carole, I didn’t take the memorial bush with me as it would die here with the colder weather. I wanted to take the butterfly bush also as my Husband and 2 Daughters planted it 8 years ago to replace a bush that died, but it thrives in the heat. So, I left them both. I have so many rose bushes and trees (1 peach tree) and other plants, plus a lot of wild strawberries in my yard. Maybe this spring we can plant a new memorial bush for my Husband. My Mom and I went to the Art and Craft show. I bought myself a turquoise necklace and a new scarf (purple). We went to a upscale shop here and I bought a new pair of dress pants and a blouse for court on Wednesday. We picked my Grandson up from the shop and he and I had lunch and are playing computer games and talking. They are going home in a few hours but I will come to Phoenix a day earlier (Tuesday) and spend 3 days with them before I come home, going to court and helping with my Grandson. I need to put my Christmas tree up this next weekend as we will celebrate Christmas early as my Grandson and his Dad and his other Grandmother leave for Hawaii on the 19th of this month. I will pick up his new bike tomorrow for my Daughter and I ordered his new Ipod and it will be here next week. We decided to get him big gifts and not a lot of little things. He will celebrate Christmas in Hawaii with his Dad’s family. His birthday is in the first half of January, so more presents!!! The court date is almost here and I am ready to get it over with. I haven’t done much around the new home the last 4 days as I have had my Grandson with me most of the time. So, this next weekend I need to unpack some more boxes. I am down to 10, and I want to do some more yard work. Carole, it is beautiful here!!!! I love it and my new home. I will go to the condo while I am in the city and see if there is any mail in the box and check out the condo. It seems like I am real busy all the time!!!!!!
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I made it to the store and picked up the bike for my Daughter to give to my Grandson for Xmas. I had a rebate debit card from my new cell phone provider so I used that to pay for 1/2 of the cost of the bike. I am sitting here with the doors open enjoying the breeze and sunlight. The handyman/neighbor is putting new motion lights up in my backyard and he cut back the shrub in my front yard earlier. He is going to clean out the gutters today also. Tomorrow I go back to the city till Friday. I need to pack a light bag latter. I would never go back there if it weren’t for my kids and grandson and of course court and the selling of the condo. It is so peaceful here and it suits me just fine. But I need to tie up the legal issues and selling the condo and I want to help with my Grandson. He didn’t want to leave yesterday. It was a tearful event even though I will see him on Tuesday. He says the new place feels like his home!!! I feel the same way.
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Lizbeth I am so happy for you that you feel you are home in your new house. I have a feeling that wherever you are that your Grandson would feel he is at home. It is obvious that the two of you have such a wonderful bond and it is heartwarming to read about it. I don’t know why but I have this picture of you at your hew home surrounded by a white picket fence. It is wonderful to hear the serenity in your posts lately. I know that it has been, and will continue to be difficult for you on the loss of your husband, but you are moving forward and making a new life. Your strength and courage is admirable in how you have dealt with everything that life has thrown at you. I am so happy for you and wish you nothing but joy in your new home. Have a wonderful gamble free day. Just a friendly reminder to get yourself excluded from the Casino. The reason I mention it is because I have been having lots of thoughts of gambling lately and it makes sense to have barriers in place, if you can!!!
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Hi Cat! Thanks for your post. I did ban myself from the casino last week. Yeah!!! I went to probate court this morning (a friend went with me for support.) Everything went fine and I was appointed personal representative of my Husband’s estate. This paves the way for me to sell the condo. His Daughter hasn’t been found but I was reminded by the Judge that I will have to protect her assets from the selling of the condo. It’s all good and I feel like much was accomplished today. I went by the condo and picked up some stray mail and turned in the cable boxes and had the service turned off. I am here in the city till Friday afternoon, then back home. Cat, I don’t have a white picket fence around my home but it is so perfect for me!!! Take care everyone and have a great gamble free day.
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Hi Lizbeth
Just doing another post before i start work. I am so pleased for you and so glad those court proceedings are over. I just feel life can really move forward for you now. I know you will always have hubby in your heart and i know times will still be hard but i am so happy to see your positive and beautiful outlook on life. I can tell you are a kind person Lizbeth. So happy for you.P
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Thanks P for your post! OMG, today was a hard day. My Daughter and her business partner are calling it quits already and the shop hasn’t even opened. They are not agreeing on anything and the stress and tension has been mounting. The business partner has been shady in some of the things she has been doing and my Daughter wants out. So, her partner is buying her out. She is getting out of the lease (building), but it will take some time for her partner to repay her. What a mess! The sad part is that a friendship is over. My Daughter was feeling relieved today and less stressed about the situation. Better now than down the road when more money and time has been invested. Now my Daughter and Grandson aren’t moving here. But I am staying here as this is now my new home and I am comfortable here. I am only 1 1/2 hours from them. I will still go to the city for 2 days every week to help with my Grandson till school is out. On a happy note, it is snowing here. I love it!! My Grandson, Daughter, and I put up the Christmas tree and decorations today before they went home. We are celebrating Christmas here for my Grandson next Sunday as he is leaving on the 19th for Hawaii. Oh, I went to a estate sale the other day. I was coming home from Walmart and spotted the sign and went to check it out. I spent $18 and bought a cool serving bowl, and a old chair for my bedroom. I was thrilled with my finds. I plan on doing some Christmas shopping tomorrow if the weather permits. I hope everyone had a great gamble free day!!
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Liz it is interesting how you post about things that are not working out as planned for your daughter and Grandson, but dealing with it in a positive way. I learn so much from reading your posts. I am so glad that you are happy in your home. It sounds as if the move was the best thing that you could have done for yourself. You sound as if you are enjoying life and taking things as they come, for example just going to the estate sale and getting yourself something. You are doing things you want to do and enjoying life. I know that you are still grieving, but you are handling things so well. Have a wonderful day!!!
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Thanks Cat for your post! I have to stay positive as the 2 months that I took care of my Husband while he was dying and the months after while I didn’t know if I was going to be able to make it without him were nothing but hell and very negative. I feel like there is nothing now that can keep me in a negative mood. It’s not worth my energy. I am healthy and so is my family, so I need to start each day positive and stay that way. I am happy to say that my Mom and I are getting along much better. When it gets to be too much or I feel overwhelmed, I take a break from her and regroup. I have changed soo much since my Husband’s death as the little things that used to upset me no longer do. So, some good did come from his death. I see life a lot differently than I used to and I appreciate it more! I am still happy and content with my new home. It suits me!
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Wow i just loved that last post of yours Lizbeth. You are so strong, you have an amazing attitude to life. It is amazing sometimes the big and hardest things in our life end up being our greatest teachers, for me i learn so much through pain.. I can’t say how much i respect your attitude Lizbeth it is wonderful to see. Your hubby will be looking down on you smiling at your progress i am sure, he would want you to be happy. I know some days will be hard but you are doing your all to have a good attitude and i love how you are getting along with your mum better too and your closeness to family. they are lucky to have you you know. Sending you a big hug from across the seas today
p
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Thanks P for your post! Most of my days are happy but I do get sad when I see a couple around the age of my Hubby and I holding hands. It reminds me of something I don’t have and that I took for granted. I think my Hubby would be proud of me for moving on and staying strong and getting business done, not falling apart. He said he was always amazed at me for dealing with home, work, the kids and Grandson and being able to plan things in my head for future reference. He said he could only do one thing at a time and couldn’t think about more than 1 plan at a time. LOL!! I did some grocery shopping today as my Grandson will be coming home with me on Friday. I still have snow in my backyard, it hasn’t melted yet. I am playing the go between for my Daughter and her friend/business partner via emails. I am trying to get her off the 3 year lease (store). Everyone is agreeing to it, so I am waiting for the paperwork to be emailed to me so my Daughter can sign and have it notarized. I don’t believe it was her time to open a shop. I don’t think that she was truly ready and committed to it. Though I don’t agree with all the things that her business partner did, I have to say that there are some things I do agree with. My Daughter has a lot on her plate, her son and a full time job. I don’t think that she realized how much work would be involved. There will be another time for her. She thinks she is going to get screwed over and not be compensated for the money she invested. There was not a written contract between them only verbal. I truly believe that her business partner will pay her back her share. Don’t ask me why, I just have that feeling. I am going to help her out weekly with my Grandson as I had promised till the end of May when school is out. He can stay a lot of the summer with me and go to a day camp for part of the summer where his parents live. When school starts in the fall, they can put him into a after school program. Right now he goes to karate camp 2 days a week after school. Maybe it is good that I have moved also regarding my Daughter. I feel that sometimes I take on a lot of the Mother role regarding my Grandson and that I have enabled that. I love my Grandson with all of my heart but maybe it is time for his parents to take care of him and for me to just be Grandma. I would still see him on weekends and school breaks and if something comes up and they really need me, I will be there. Maybe it is time for me to find out what things and activities, hobbies that I would like to pursue. I hope I don’t sound selfish. I bought some dinner from the deli and I am going to take it to my Mom’s this evening. Although we don’t always see eye to eye, I know that I need to spend time with her and put my differences aside as one day she won’t be here. I don’t want any regrets. I haven’t gambled or had urges. I am just so busy traveling back and forth to the city and trying to get my house together and doing yard work. I have better things to do with my money and time. I hope everyone had a great gamble free day!
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Dear (((Liz)))! I know just how much you love your grandson, and how much you have tried to protect him from some of the not so good decisions his parents have made. Kudos to you for that! But I do think that you should do some things for yourself that give you pleasure. We’re so used to being caregivers, that we don’t provide care to ourselves. I’m guilty of the same thing. Come January, I will be taking a course on how to use power tools and then am going to get involved with Habitat for Humanity. What one thing would you most like to do for yourself that you think you would enjoy?? Carole
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Hi Carole, I have so many things I want to do. I would like to test my creative side. I have found a lot of projects to make that I can sell at the —— fairs around here. I have POWER TOOLS and know how to use them!!! LOL!!! I would like to join a group that hikes the trails around here, and I am going to join a gym after Christmas. I am buying myself a bike for Christmas. I haven’t rode a bike in years! I would like to volunteer at one of the rest homes. We have habitat for humanity here and 2 years ago 6 houses were built in the new town I live in. Awesome!!! I have never lived for myself, if that makes sense. I am testing out the waters and learning. I am not moving back to the city! My Grandson’s parents need to grow up and take care of him. I feel like I have stunted and enabled bad behavior on their parts as I have always put my Grandson before anyone and they know that and have used it to their advantage. I have no regrets as he is the light of my life. But now it’s my turn. I feel like there is so much for me to do and learn!!! I think it’s okay for me to put myself first for once in my life. I think I’m worth that!!!1
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Dear (((Liz))) Way to go for having power tools and especially for knowing how to use them! LOL! I am happy to hear that you are recognizing that you have done too much for your daughter and ex-son-in-law, and that has perhaps enabled them to not take as much responsibility for their son, as they should have. I do hope that you can volunteer at the rest home as so many of those seniors are lonely. Hiking sounds wonderful as long as there aren’t any mountain lions around. I totally get what you’re saying about having never lived for yourself. It is time that you start doing whatever pleases Liz. Habitat for Humanity would love you as a volunteer as well, I’m sure. You go girl!!! Carole
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Thanks Carole for your supportive post. Last night my Daughter, Grandson and I when to see Frozen (Disney movie). It was cute and we had a good time. This evening we are going to the mall to exchange some shoes and have some dinner. I went by the condo today to check on it and the mail and I saw a few of the people who have lived there a long time and had a chance to say hi. I miss the people but not the condo. I do need to go back and do some cleaning, ect… before January when I put it on the market. My Grandson is leaving in 1 week for Hawaii for 17 days. My Daughter suggested that I come back next Tuesday and Wednesday to spend some time with him and she said she likes having me here also. We have reached a new level in our relationship and are finally enjoying each other’s company with out feeling tension. All is good!! I’m off to meet my youngest Daughter for lunch then pick up my Grandson from school. He is going home with me after school tomorrow and Mom is going to join us on Sunday so we can celebrate Christmas with him before his trip. He is so fun to be with! Take care everyone.
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Taking a break while doing some laundry and packing my stuff up to go home today. I am picking my Grandson up from school as he is coming home with me. His parents have their office Xmas parties on Saturday. We are excited as we might be able to see meteor showers tonight and Saturday night. They are supposed to be over Arizona. I live in a small town and it is very dark at night, not like a big city, so we will be sky gazing this weekend. My Grandson suggested that I get a baseball mitt as he has one and we can play catch together. Okay, I can do that. His team won their baseball division and he is signed up for next season which starts in January. We invited his Dad over for dinner last night and had pizza and wings, then we all went to the mall and returned my Grandsons shoes and looked around for a bit. He was happy that we were all together. If I were gambling I would be missing all of these memories and I wouldn’t be able to get them back. I am thankful and grateful for my life now and the happiness I can find in the little things. Take care everyone.
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Have fun with that grandson of yours.. i was very proud to read you are going to give the parents the opportunity to find their responsibility toward their child… fantastic. Its great you are still there for them at times like their christmas parties and you still get time to be with your grandson without actually raising him yourself. Your time for that is done and it is time for you now Lizbeth, to fill your life with things that make you happy and maybe things you are yet to discover.. there is a whole world full of things out there and yes helping others is good but how about helping you first. You’ve had a rough year and you deserve time to do just what you want to do and i hope you find things that are fulfilling for you.. give yourself the chance to have some fun in your life too just for Lizbeth…
P
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Thanks P for the post! I am tired today so I am sit in my pajamas just taking it easy. We had Xmas for my Grandson yesterday and all went well. He loved everything. I am going to the city tomorrow and Wednesday as my Grandson leaves for Hawaii on Thursday for 17 days. I will take that time to get the rest of the boxes unpacked and work on my backyard. I am designing a outdoor living area that I am going to do basically by myself and on a budget. It is going to be awesome. My oldest Daughter told me how proud she was of me, being able to move and starting over again. It was really one of the hardest things that I have done, packing and moving out of a place that my Husband and I shared for 20 years. It was the right thing to do and I am happy. P, you are right, I need to help myself first. Next week, I am going to the 3 gyms here and find the one that suits me and I am going to join. My health needs to come first and I have put on weight since I haven’t been exercising on a regular basis. Next, I will start going to church again. There are a few here and I need the fellowship and spirituality that it provides. I would also like to join the walking group. So, there are many things that I can do for myself. I need to get off my butt and do it!!!!! Take care everyone!
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Today, I am at my Daughter’s apartment, spending some time with my Grandson before he leaves for Hawaii. We are having dinner with his Dad’s family this evening. I went by my condo to check on everything and to pick up any straggling mail. Everything was fine. I am feeling more content and peaceful these days. When I go home tomorrow, my Mom and I are going to celebrate our birthdays by going out for dinner. I am going to get those 10 boxes unpacked and work on the yard (raking and pulling weeds). I will be able to stay in one place for 17 days while my Grandson is gone. My Mom, Daughter, and I are going out for Xmas dinner as it seems silly to cook for just 3 of us. Disappointment-no signs of the meteor showers. I think I need a telescope. My Daughter has a meeting at a bank with her ex-business partner and the investor who is buying her out. One of the lawyers who work for the company she works for is going with her to review the documents before she signs anything. I hope that this meeting isn’t called off as this woman seems to be stringing my Daughter along. I am praying that everything goes well and she can walk away with part of her investment money and no ties to the business. There is a lot of chaos going on with my Sister’s oldest son. Without going into details, he is in jail again. I feel really bad but since my Sister hasn’t talked to me since my Husband’s death, I can’t reach out to her. Anyways, she has this son on a pedestal and doesn’t want to believe he has done anything wrong. I have been hearing from other family members that he is a train wreck waiting to happen and I think that everything came crashing down yesterday for him. Denial is a strong emotion. I know, as I was in denial for a long time about my gambling problems. We all are in charge of our issues and we have to decide that we have to change. I am not saying that other’s support is essential but in the end, you that have to take the steps and challenges to change as no one can do it for you. I have the utmost respect for people who have done this. Many of you don’t know but my oldest Daughter is a drug addict. She has made many attempts to be clean and has been for periods of time and has relapsed. When my Husband was told that he was dying she went into rehab for 1 month and came out and went to outpatient treatment for 6 months while she worked and took care of her son and my Grandson. She was able to spend a lot of time with my Husband, her step-father since she was 5 years old. She was with us when he died. I believe that out of his illness something good came, her wanting to fight and work to be clean. We are working rebuilding our relationship and it has been the best its been in years. My Grandson told us recently that he is so happy that we are getting along so well together now. That makes me feel so good!!!!
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Dear (((Liz)))! Happy, Happy Birthday to you! Another year older and another year wiser as the saying goes! Your grandson will have a great time in Hawaii, and you will have the time to do what you want and to relax. I think going out for Christmas Dinner is a wonderful idea. Leave the cooking and cleaning up to someone else. I am going to my daughter’s for Christmas Day and then driving home on Boxing Day. I haven’t been back to the country since I left Danny, so it’s a bit uncomfortable for me, but I do want to see my daughter and the grandgirls. My oldest granddaughter was here yesterday making iced shortbread cookies and I ate far too many of them. I also ate far too much on our trip to Disneyland. With the new year in sight, will come new resolve as far as eating healthy. It’s great to hear that your relationship with your daughter has come such a long way. Relationships are always works in progress, and mother/daughter relationships are always the most complicated. From what you mentioned earlier in the year, I am not surprised that your nephew ended up in jail. It’s just too bad that it had to be so close to Christmas. But like you say, we all need to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Hopefully your nephew will “see” that what he’s doing isn’t working well for him, and will decide to take another path in life. It sure has been an eventful year for you, both good and bad, but you’ve managed to stay sane through it all, and you are an inspiration to me and I’m sure countless others. Carole
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Thanks Carole for the post. I came home from the city today and took my Mom out for dinner to celebrate our birthdays. I was so glad to get home. I have 17 days to do things around my home. My Daughter is coming on Saturday to spend a few days with me. We are going to make Sunday brunch our Xmas meal. Carole, my Sister is bailing my Nephew out of jail as she told my Mom she was getting the money together. He is on parole so I am almost sure that he will be spending some time in prison for the assault charges. Since they are not talking to me, I am getting the info from my Mom. I hope he has learned a lesson and is willing and ready to go down another path. My Sister is in a big cloud of denial. I believe that my Nephew is using drugs again. But I have no say in the matter and all I can do is pray that he gets help to make his life better. I don’t know about being a inspiration to anyone, but I did get through this year with out totally losing it and I think that I am a stronger person. Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!!!
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(((Liz))) You have done extremely well in the past year handling what life has thrown at you. You have shown that even in the toughest of times that you have handled yourself with dignity and strength of character. That’s what makes you an inspiration to me and to others. As far as your sister is concerned, I can understand not wanting her son to spend Christmas in jail. As you and I both know, a person will be willing to change when what they are doing is not working for them anymore. When the pain of the self-destructive behaviors becomes greater than making the change. I’m excited to see what the new year brings for you (((Liz))) and I hope it rains blessings for you. Carole
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Thanks for the post Carole! I can’t believe that I have come this far since the death of my Husband. I had a lot of support from my friends, you especially, and God. When I was going through the hard times, grieving, I prayed and prayed to have the strength to get through it. I think because of the holidays, last week was especially hard for me. I was at my Daughter’s and she cried with me and we comforted and supported each other. Mostly I have good days now. My handyman/neighbor came over this morning and told me that his Mother died on Monday. I hugged him and told him that if he or his sister needed anything, I am here. I bought a card that I am taking over later. How hard, right at Christmas time! We never know when our time will be up and I enjoy the moments now. I do what I want and I am learning to say no to the things I don’t want to do. I guess I am saying, live for now! It is snowing here today. I am not used to seeing snow so it is all new to me and soo beautiful. I stocked up on soups and I have stuff to make grilled cheese sandwiches, so I am all set!!! Carole, I totally understand my sister getting my nephew out of jail, especially because it is close to Christmas. Even though we don’t talk, I worry about her and I have concerns. I’m excited to see what the new year brings me also. I have a lot of things that I would like to do and a few adventures that I would like to experience. I am still trying to find my niche, my place in life and I know that good things are awaiting me. I hope that everyone has a great gamble free day.
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PS: I just had to post this. I live near a pond, full of ducks and geese. These geese are nuts, crazy. Every so often, like right now, 20-25 geese come from the pond and invade our block. I’ve seen them chase people riding their bikes, ect… They hang out for awhile being noisy and then disappear again. Forget them moving if you are in your car even honking the horn. They will move when they want. My Mom lives about 5 blocks from me and you have to go up a little hill to get there. They even venture by her house ever so often. I am getting the biggest kick out of them!!!
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(((Liz))) The geese sound like a hoot!! I’m eating M & Ms that my granddaughter left here after baking and icing the shortbread cookies. Not exactly on my healthy eating plan. It’s cold here so I’m feeling sleepy. Glad you got the groceries you need to hunker down with. We should think about going somewhere this spring/summer, like the Oregon Coast. Carole
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Today is sunny and 45 degrees here, no snow!! I am getting used to the colder weather and enjoying the change of scenery. I miss my Grandson a lot but he is having a blast in Hawaii. He gets to kayak, go snorkeling, a lot of hiking, riding horses on the beach, and they were going to another island for a few days. I haven’t done anything around the new house yet as I spent the last few days just relaxing and doing nothing and that’s okay! I am not really in the Christmas spirit but decorated and celebrated because of my Grandson. Everyone tells me the first’s when your spouse dies is the hardest. I still feel a little lost. I don’t want to become a recluse like my Mom. I am going to have to force myself to get out and join a organization or group so I can meet people. Sometimes though, I get so sad and just want to curl up in bed and not come out for awhile. I guess that is part of the grieving process. I am gathering information, plans, and pictures for my outdoor living space. I love it outside and I would love my back yard to be a awesome place to hang out and have friends and family over to enjoy also. We changed our brunch today for dinner this evening. It will be nice to go out and have a nice meal and relax with family. Have a great gamble free day everyone.
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Today is sunny and 45 degrees here, no snow!! I am getting used to the colder weather and enjoying the change of scenery. I miss my Grandson a lot but he is having a blast in Hawaii. He gets to kayak, go snorkeling, a lot of hiking, riding horses on the beach, and they were going to another island for a few days. I haven’t done anything around the new house yet as I spent the last few days just relaxing and doing nothing and that’s okay! I am not really in the Christmas spirit but decorated and celebrated because of my Grandson. Everyone tells me the first’s when your spouse dies is the hardest. I still feel a little lost. I don’t want to become a recluse like my Mom. I am going to have to force myself to get out and join a organization or group so I can meet people. Sometimes though, I get so sad and just want to curl up in bed and not come out for awhile. I guess that is part of the grieving process. I am gathering information, plans, and pictures for my outdoor living space. I love it outside and I would love my back yard to be a awesome place to hang out and have friends and family over to enjoy also. We changed our brunch today for dinner this evening. It will be nice to go out and have a nice meal and relax with family. Have a great gamble free day everyone.
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(((Liz))) I can only go by my experience when my brother died, and what other people in the grief support groups I facilitated, told me. The first year is the hardest, and Christmas is the hardest time to get through. I cried so much Christmas Eve after my brother died, that I couldn’t put the annual fondue dinner together for our kids, spouses, and grandchildren. They were at the house and I stayed alone in the trailer crying. My very pregnant daughter had to step up and do all the work, as I couldn’t be around people. I think that once Christmas Day is over, a lot of us that are struggling with urges, will have some respite from them. I’m so happy that you are away from living in that year round heat, and that you are now the proud owner of a house. I wish I lived closer as I would love to help you landscape your backyard. Carole
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Hi Lizbeth,
Just wanted to say im thinking of you this holiday season. Its ok to be sad, you are allowed to miss him. Knowing your amazing strength you will focus on your beautiful Grandson, Christmas is really about the kids and im sure you will make his one to remember.
Merry Christmas lovely lady,
Love K -
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Guest
HI Lizbeth, congratulations on your new home and all that you have achieved. You have such a full life…full of people who care and love you, that I know you will be really happy! You are a most positive and inspiring person! Happy Christmas
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Thanks Kathryn and Sad for your posts. It is good to hear from both of you. My Daughter is leaving this afternoon to go home. She is still sleeping as we stayed up till 2am this morning. She has plans with friends to go to a Xmas eve party and she is spending Xmas day with a high school friend’s family. We had a great early Xmas dinner together and spent some great quality time with each other. We accomplished a lot in my backyard yesterday and half of the yard has been raked and weeds pulled. My house sat for over 1 year vacant so the backyard was neglected. It is starting to look a lot better with some TLC! I am planning to work outdoors after my Daughter leaves for home. I talked to my Grandson who is in Hawaii and he is loving it. In fact they are going snorkeling for a 3rd time as he loves the water and is fascinated by the water life, mainly seeing the sea turtles up close. He tried sushi for the first time yesterday and it was a thumbs down. He said he would stick to pizza. LOL!!!! I am waiting for the cable company to come out and cover the new cable line that they had to install over 1 month ago. I called them yesterday to remind them that no one had come out to finish the job and someone apparently dropped the ball as they had nothing scheduled for me!!! No big deal, it will get done today!! I am wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!! I know that I have many things to be grateful for!!!
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I hope that everyone’s Christmas was awesome. My Grandson called me yesterday wishing me a Merry Christmas. He is having fun and was excited about the presents that Santa brought him in Hawaii. (3 lego sets and 4 books) He is keeping a journal of all the things he is doing so he can share it with his Mother and I. I miss him but I think this bonding time with his Dad is good for both of them. I decided yesterday to go from a blond (with a lot of gray) to a light brunette. I love it!!! I wasn’t sure I could pull it off but I love the results. I haven’t been taking care of my self properly, physically and spiritually. I need to start today. I have a nice salad prepared for lunch and fish and vegetables for dinner. I am going to unpack boxes today as I have come to a standstill on that and they are sitting in the spare bedroom. I don’t want to become complacent on my gambling addiction either. That is when I have a slip and I don’t want to go there again. It’s time to put my plans in action. I have had a few urges to gamble but have been able to get through them. Yesterday, I spent the day with my Mother and on the way home there was a song on the radio that reminded me of my Husband. Oh, after a lot of crying and sadness I finally was able to go to sleep. How long am I going to feel like someone is crushing my heart??? I can’t believe that in 2 weeks (1 year ago) is when we found out that my Husband had terminal cancer. I am trying hard to move on with my life but some days are really hard. I know that I can’t go back and change the past. I can only precede forward and be in charge of my future. It’s just so heartbreaking when you lose someone who was a part of your life. I am trying to cope and have found a grieving support group here that I am going to attend. Maybe that will help me put everything into prospective. I think you just have to get through everyday and do the best you can. Also, this was the first holidays and birthdays without him. Everyone tells me that it will get easier. I guess this is something that I just need to go through. I will be alright and it’s alright to be sad. Thanks for listening to me.
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Dear (((Liz)))! How sweet that your grandson is writing down what he is doing and seeing so he can share it with you and his Mom. it’s great that he spending time with his Dad and extended family and having new experiences. Seeing turtles in the ocean and snorkelling rocks! I’m happy to hear that you have some plans on what you are going to do to stay gamble free this coming year. You have been through so much and have so much to look forward to. Those first anniversaries after a person you love dies are painful, but it does get easier as timer passes. Gambling doesn’t lessen our pain, it only increases it, as it is so unsatisfying. It’s like eating one potato chip. Gambling never fills any emotional void. It just erodes our self-esteem and creates new problems. I’d love to see your new hair color, as I’m sure it looks really nice. Good for you for having the courage to experiment. Carole
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Thanks for the posts Carole and ican! I have been unpacking the boxes I shoved into the spare bedroom. I have made a lot of progress today as I unpacked 3/4 of them. Now, I am trying to organize everything and tomorrow I need to buy a filing cabinet to get all my paperwork. Later this afternoon I am taking my Mom to the eye doctor to get a small tumor removed from her eyelid. This is the second removal and it has come back even bigger this time. I suggested that I drive her as I don’t know if her vision will be impaired afterwards as she will have to get numbing shots in her eyelid. Afterwards we are having dinner at her house. The weather is nice here, 60 degrees. Nothing else going on. Just keeping busy and trying to get my house in order. Have a great day everyone!
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Guest
Hi Lizbeth, grief is different for everyone., but seventeen weeks is a very short time. Life has changed so much for you and you are an inspiration in how you have handled it all. That said I know it must be really difficult and painful at times, and you must be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time you need to grieve. Life is strange. On the one hand we are full of grief for someone. We have lost and on the other we are overwhelmed by the happiness a small child can bring. You are such a perfect granny..you seem to know all the fun things to do..movies, pizza etc. my sons gran is a compulsive gambler(. Surprise surprise). There is rarely money to be the gran she wants to be., and her mind is too preoccupied to be able to have fun with him. I know that no one in our lives has the right to abuse us or control us. That said it is often difficult to recognise this in those closest to us. You seem to be handling the relationship with your daughter really well. Parenting is so difficult. Well done on staying gamble free. When I read about your busy life, I really don’t know where you got time to gamble. Keep inspiring us!
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I spent the day with my Mom. We had a nice lunch. Her eyelid surgery went fine yesterday. She has a few stitches and I am hopeful that the tumor was all removed this time and doesn’t grow back. I am in a funk today and I haven’t accomplished anything around the house or outdoors. I am a little sad. I don’t know where it is coming from but I am at home now and that is where I am staying, no gambling for me. I went online and found a church that I am going to go to tomorrow. It is the same kind that I went to when I lived in the city. The minister is a female as is all the church officials . Very interesting. I keep saying that I am going to do this and that. I need to just put myself out there and try these new things and places. I really like this church as they are into helping the community. One step at a time, right? Maybe I am sad because I haven’t seen my Grandson for awhile though I have talked to him on the phone. It will be another 9 days before he is home from his trip. This is the longest that we have been apart. Even though I am sad, I think it is healthy for us both. I need to have a separate life and he needs to spend this time with his Dad and his family. He is getting older (he will be 8 next month) and I know the time will come when his friends will be the center of his life!!! I need to spread my wings and make new friendships here as I don’t have a lot of family and no friends here. I am thinking about my resolutions for the new year. My Mom and I are going to check out the 3 gyms here on Thursday and I will pick one to join. I know that when I work out on a regular basis, I feel better physically and mentally. My other goals are to put myself out there and find things to do and meet new people and just to live a good life. What else could I want. I am wishing everyone a early Happy New Years!!!!
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Dear (((Liz)))! It`s very difficult for some of us to put ourselves out there. We start out with good intentions if we find something out there that interests us, but if you`re like me, you often don`t follow through for whatever reason. I was going to try beginners yoga in September and then I injured my foot badly by dropping that heavy table on it, so no yoga. I`m supposed to start volunteering at habitat for Humanity January 11th but I`ve been too sick with a cold to deal with the paperwork (waivers, etc). I`ve been told that it will be 2 months from when I had that bloodwork done before I hear whether I`m going to be a marrow donor, so that won`t be till February 6th. I still need to look for a job but I need to get better first. I also want to move out of this small one bedroom suite into a two bedroom so I have room for visitors. I hope that you aren`t in a funk today, but you`re probably feeling the effects of your grandson being away from you for so long. I really miss my grandgirls when they are on holidays. I like knowing when they are home safely. Danny is on his way here to `look after me.` I wonder what THAT will look like. It`s coming in handy already you living so close to your mother. Your Mom will in all probability need your help more as she ages. How is your Mom`s sister. Carole
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Hi Lizbeth, I have written in my post recently that I don’t know what to do with my time now that gambling is not an option. I am thinking you could write a guide of 101 things to do when you stop gambling. Your energy is incredible, and you are so full of ideas. When you feel sad I suggest you just go with it. As Carole said the first year is very difficult, and sadness is a normal part of the grieving process.I think I replied to a post of yours a few days ago that was old. On my ipad they came up out of order so please ignore if I did not make sense.
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Sad, it’s okay about the post. Sometimes the posts do come up all jumbled! I do need to just go with the emotions when they come up. I am getting through a lot of the firsts and it hasn’t been easy but it is a necessary part of the grieving process. It is just going to take me time. I get a monthly newsletter from hospice and they last one had a article about recognizing your own progress through grief. About half of the positive changes they stated, I have accomplished. So, I am healing from my Husband’s death. It is just a slow process. Carole, my Aunt is alright, she is hanging in there and doing pretty well for being 91 years old and having Parkinson. Her Husband who is 90 years old isn’t doing well. He is on hospice now due to his enlarged heart (heart disease) and has to be on oxygen all the time. My Aunt told my Mom she want him and her to die together. So sad! They celebrated their 61st wedding anniversary recently. It is the second marriage for both of them. Amazing!!! I didn’t go to church today. I took my Mom shopping and spent the day with her. I am home now in my cozy pajamas with the heat going. My Grandson called me this evening and he saw the Pearl Harbor memorial today. He is doing a lot of hiking and just having a great time! Tomorrow I am staying home and doing some things around here. Just a quiet day at home!!!!!
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Good morning Elizabeth! You are such a whirl wind of accomplishment and activity in an organized and mannerly sort of way ?? Please do give yourself permission to be sad and grieve. It seems to me you are doing it in such a healthy way. So many people completely retreat from life or dive into addictions to avoid the feelings. I truly admire how you have handled everything over the past year and how you dealt with your recovery to date. May the New Year bring you peace and joy, new experiences and meaning, and love of family and friends. Take care Liz!
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Thanks Laura for your post! I was getting frustrated and angry today but I read Bettie’s post and it put everything into prospective for me. I received a letter from my insurance company (the underwriters) that as of the 7th of January I would have no insurance on my new home as they hadn’t received all the information they needed. I hit the roof as I had been in my agent’s office or faxing him information numerous times. I called their office and left a message for him. I received a call back yesterday from a agent who is taking his place till after the new year. He is trying to help me. Also, I received another letter saying that after the 1st I would have a new agent. I have been with this insurance company for 40 years, since I had my first drivers license. I have had different agents though as they don’t seem to last long. I have my car, condo, and new home insured with them. So, on the 2nd of Jan. I will be coming to the city to be face to face with my new agent and get this mess resolved or I will take my business elsewhere. Is it just me or has customer service just gone done hill. It seem like no one cares how they treat the customer anymore. Anyways, I am going to my Mom’s and we are going to order take out for dinner. I hope everyone has a great and safe New Years Eve!!!!!
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Well, I am looking for new insurance on Thursday. There is a insurance broker in town who was referred to me by my Mom’s neighbor. This is too stressful!!! They aren’t doing their job and I don’t have to stay with them. There is a reason that it is time for me to make this change. Everything happens for a reason and besides that I won’t have to go to the city till next week when my Grandson comes home. My Mom and I had a great dinner and played many games of Yahtzee. It was fun!!!!! My Grandson called and he went kayaking today and saw 6 sea turtles. He is ready to come home as he is missing his Mommy and I. He was a little tearful but I assured him that it is okay to miss us as we miss him too!!! He said it helped hearing our voices! He is so precious. Happy New Years everyone!!!!!!
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Happy 2014 (((Liz)))! I wish you a year of peace and happiness (((Liz))) with new adventures. You’ve done an amazing job navigating your recovery journey the past year despite the death of your husband. Relationships on the mend with your Mom and daughters is wonderful! I’ve said it before that mother/daughter relationships are most complicated!! Seeing sea turtles is a wonderful experience, and it’s good to hear that your grandson is having new adventures. It’s been so cold here this winter and we have feet of snow and it’s been overcast, and I’m not an outdoor person, so not much to do here. I’m hoping that this cold disappears soon, as I’m really tired of it. Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post! I have new insurance on the house now and it costs $500 less a year and is better coverage. I am feeling less stress now about the whole situation. My realtor called last night and she is meeting me at the condo next Thursday morning to look at it and for us to decide on the selling price. It will be good when it sold as I can bank that money I am spending on the mortgage, association fees, and utilities. I thought of leasing it out, but if I get bad tenants in there it could be a nightmare. Hopefully it will sell soon! I bought a new TV for the spare room/craft room and I need to put it on the stand and I need to start getting all my paperwork into the new filing cabinet. I am taking my Mom to the eye doctors tomorrow to get the stitches out of her eyelid. Saturday I have a fun day planned for us, lunch and going to antique stores. I was reading some of my past posts and there was one where I said I didn’t love my Husband anymore. (2 years ago) That was a hard one to look! I loved him as a person but not romantically anymore. In my grieving support group they say not to put the deceased person on a pedestal and that it is okay if you didn’t have the perfect marriage or had issues in your relationship. They say to keep it real. It just took my breath away when I saw that and in some way made me feel guilty that I said that and a year later he was dead. I don’t know if that makes sense??? Well, I hope everyone is having a good new year and are keeping gamble free!!! Take care.
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Vera, that you for your post!!! I thought about it and I have put into prospective. I had love for my Husband and I stayed by his side from his diagnosis to his death. He knew that I cared. I hope when I leave this world that I am holding the hand of someone who cares and that their face is the last thing I see. It was a productive day as I went through about 1/2 of my paperwork, shredded and made files. The filing cabinet is going to come in handy. I have this thing now that when I die, I don’t want anyone to have to search for anything. Everything will be organized. It’s going to be a early night. My bedroom is clean and the new TV went in there instead of the craft room. That way, I can relax and watch TV before I go to sleep. I am functioning pretty well on my own. There are times when I do get lonely, but I think that is normal. Tomorrow after the eye doctor appointment, my Mom and I are going to go check out a few gyms and I am going to join one. My realtor called and wants me to come to her next get together as she has friends and clients she would like me to meet so I can make some friends here. She is a real nice lady!!!! Take care everyone.
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I hope and pray that 2014 is a better year for you. I read one of your posts about loving your husband and I can relate to it. I do love my husband, however, I sometimes think that his drinking has caused me also to be resentful towards him. I believe that you said it perfectly that you said that when any of us leaves this world it would be wonderful to have someone who cares holding our hand. Liz you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I love reading your posts about all the things you are considering getting involved in at your new place. One day at a time (((Liz))) -
Thanks Cat for your post and Happy New Years to you! I took my Mom to get her stitches out of her eyelid today and there is another (small) cancerous spot on the same eyelid. She will have to have further surgery on the 22nd. I think that God brought me here (re: moving) as I can tell some changes in my Mom now that I am spending more time with her. I don’t think they are health concerns but related to old aging. We are going out for lunch tomorrow and antiquing. Next week, I will be in the city for 5 days. My Grandson returns from his Hawaii trip late Monday night and I am going to the airport to pick him, his Dad, and other Grandma up as my Daughter has to go to work the next day. He and I will spend the next day together while Mom works. I want to catch up with some friends and go to lunch and on Thursday my realtor will be meeting me at the condo. I am not thrilled to be away from my new home for 5 days but I want to see my Grandson and friends and I need to take care of the condo business. Cat, I think it is normal to feel some guilt when a love one dies. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about. I think it is just another emotion that you have to get through while grieving. My Daughter had her 2013 year in review on face book. There were many pictures of my Husband with my Grandson and family. It brought back good memories and sad ones also. I still have many moments of sadness about him not being here. But I don’t have days of sadness anymore. I am at a happy place in my life and looking forward to the next adventures and experiences. Take care everyone.
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Tomorrow I go to the city for 5 days, to see my Grandson as he is coming home tomorrow from his 17 day vacation in Hawaii and to get some business done, re: condo. I feel like I am the most blessed person. My Mom told me how much she was going to miss me while I am gone and how much she appreciated all that I do for her. My Daughter called and told me she missed me like crazy and couldn’t wait to see me tomorrow and my Grandson called telling me that he couldn’t wait to see me tomorrow evening and wanted to know if I would pick him up from the airport. It is awesome to be loved and to hear how much you mean to others. I spent the whole weekend with my Mom and we went to lunch, antiquing and at her request, I spent the night with her. It was truly enjoyable. We found out that my Aunt (by marriage) had past away. She was 83 years old and had been in bad health. My Mom and her were real close in their younger days. I think she needed someone with her. I think it must be hard when you get elderly and those around you are dying. My Mom’s only living sibling is 91 years old, her other sister and 2 brothers have passed away. When I get back to town, my Mom and I are going to the 3 gyms and picking one that we can workout at. I did laundry, packing, and paid bills, nothing exciting. I need to focus also on doing some things around the new home when I get back. When spring comes, I am having a 6 foot fence built around my backyard. The fence I have now is about 4 feet tall and some of it has seen better days. I am collecting pictures and ideas for the outdoor living space. I found plans for a fire pit that I am building myself. (brick) I am so excited about it!!!! I need to repaint some of the rooms, the colors I like and a few cosmetic things need to be done inside but not anything major. So, I am just plugging along enjoying life!! No gambling for me! It isn’t worth it!
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I am in the city. I went by the insurance company and I have all the papers that my realtor requested. I went by the condo and checked the mailbox and the condo. Wednesday I need to vacuum and mop before the realtor comes on Thursday. The last condo sold 5 months ago and at a decent price. Although my needs some cosmetic work done on it, I am hopeful that I will get a decent price for it and that it doesn’t stay on the market for a long time. Progress, I never thought I would be at this place (selling the condo) as this is the last estate issue that I need to deal with than the estate will be closed. In 2 months it will be 1 year since the death of my Husband. I don’t really remember a lot of the first few months after his death. But I have made a lot of changes (good) and gotten through a lot of the legal issues, ect… I knew I was a strong person but I surprised myself getting through a lot of these things on my own. Even though it helps to have the support of your family (a few of mine) and friends, a lot of things you have to experience on your own to get it and appreciated it as I am talking about the grieving process. I was listening to the radio on my 1 hour and 50 min. drive to the city and a song came on that my Husband loved and it brought good memories and a few tears to my eyes. He loved oldies music and this was one of his favorite songs. My Daughter posted a picture of our last vacation (LEGOLAND) with him, 9 months before his death. We were standing at the beach in front of the Pacific ocean with our Grandson. That was such a awesome vacation and beautiful picture. The days have become less challenging to get through and I am finding peace and joy and contentment again. My Grandson arrives home tonight from his trip. He called this morning to remind me that he is coming home. How could I forget?? He brings up his Papa a lot and talks about the good memories and the sadness that he isn’t here anymore. We get through this one day at a time. That is all we can do. I have had thoughts of gambling here and there but I haven’t acted on them as I know the horrific results when I get caught up in the madness. I have been able to keep busy and not dwell on the urges and to think out the consequences that would happen if I were to go down that road again. They thoughts have passed quite fast and are becoming less. I am trying to put all my energy into my family, friends, and my new life that is developing. I am finding ways to cultivate my interests and trying to put myself out there to new adventures and people. It is exciting and sometimes scary, if that makes sense. Who knows what this year will bring?
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Hi Liz
I loved reading your post, i always enjoy reading what you are up to and i love how you are honest about your thoughts and feelings.. The reason there are so many people looking forward to seeing you is because you are obviously there for them, what goes around comes around type of thing. It is obvious to me how kind you are to others it shines through on these pages, you are kind to them not for your own recognition but for the natural love you have with in you and i love how genuine a person you are.. even though we havent met in real life it shines through on these pages. You have been through massive changes and handled them beautifully. I am just so proud of you even though i know you only through here, i see your growth and your change. You write about what you had written on these pages re your husband but really you wrote them and most people just think them. i think those thoughts and feelings were totally normal and honest at the time and thats how it is. You neednt feel anything bad from wrting that, you were there for your husband till the very end and you were the most supportive person in his life. People fall out of love romantically quite often and you were still there, still loving him in your way and supporting him.. it would have taken an incredible amount of strength to nurse your life partner Liz through that process. I cant comprehend it, i dont think anyone could. I have lost people but to do what you have done is something i dont believe people could understand unless they experience that themselves. I know that grandson of yours is so so lucky to have you in his life. I know you will just be so happy to see each other and it is such a beautiful bond you share. I hope that you continue to do things for you though also.. things to fulfill your life and good things for you. You really deserve to be looked after youself a little and if there is no one else to do that then its going to have to be you.. so look after you like you look after others Liz. Give yourself that same attention and kindness. I think you are awesomeP
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P, thanks for your post. I appreciate what you said about me and it helps me to know that I have your support. I will try to be kinder to myself as you know, woman usually put themselves last on their list. I did make my new bedroom into my little haven. It looks awesome and is comfortable. My Grandson and I are spending the day together as it was 11:30pm when he came home. He is still telling me of his adventures in Hawaii. When he saw his Mom, he and she just hugged and held each other for a long time. It was good to see that bond between them. He is going back to school tomorrow and I am heading to the condo after I drop him off at school. I have a guy coming to pick up the old fridge (stopped working) and then I am going out to breakfast with a friend. After breakfast I have about 1 hour of cleaning to do and Thursday my realtor will come by to see the place and to tell me what she thinks I should list it for. Friday after school, my Grandson and I are going back to my new place and my Daughter will follow after work. They want to spend the weekend with me. We are going to my Mom’s on Saturday and my Daughter is going to clean the gutters on her home and we will probably have dinner together. I am making lasagna and garlic bread (both frozen) for dinner tonight. We are supposed to go to the hobby store this evening as my Daughter wants us to do 1 craft project together monthly. We are doing a tree of life wall hanging project first and need to pick up the stuff to take to my place. It is going to be awesome!! I will have original art pieces to put on my walls!!!! Nothing else going on. Tonight will be a early night as we stayed up late last night. Take care everyone.
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Dear (((Liz)))! I’m happy to hear of your grandson’s return from his Hawaii trip, and I’m sure he has a lot of stories to tell. Have you considered scrapbooking his trip to Hawaii, as a craft project? Then he can relive his trip over and over, when ever he wants. My daughter makes books on the internet for her kids that come in the mail, and instead of a scrapbook they get a real book. If you’re interested in that I can get you the information on how and where she does that. It’s so good to hear that you have made it this far in the past year, and with such grace and strength. I’m happy that you love your new home and property and life. It’s great that you and your daughter and mother are experiencing better relationships with each other. Life seems to be going very well indeed for you, and staying gamble free is probably the biggest thing in things working out. Way to go (((Liz)))! Carole
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Thanks for the post Carole. I posted on your thread earlier. Officially my condo goes on the market tomorrow. I met with the realtor and I came to a realistic price with some margin if I have to go down in price. I am mentally drained. It was difficult for me to sign the papers and probably will be difficult for me when it sells. It is another part of my life that I am letting go of and I didn’t think it would be so hard to do. I don’t want to lease it out as I would have to put some money into it cosmetically and I don’t have the energy to deal with bad tenants if that were to happen. One day at a time. I am hopeful that it will sell fast as it is a good deal and our landscaping is awesome and the retro-feel of the place (it was built in 1963) is quaint. We will see how much traffic I have when the open houses start and how many private showing it gets. I am going home tomorrow after I pick my Grandson up from school as he is going home with me and my Daughter is following after work. The big city doesn’t appeal to me anymore and I am homesick. I will be back in the city for 5 days again next week as we are celebrating my Grandsons birthday a week from this Saturday. He will be 8 years old. He had a rough night as he awoke from a bad dream and was crying for his Papa. He finally went back to sleep. It is so hard for him to understand that this Papa is really gone and not coming back. His Mom just held him and he cried till he couldn’t cry anymore. It is so sad and heartbreaking. But we are getting through it, that’s all we can do. I am not gambling though I have had a few urges. I found that the stress from the condo, showing the realtor and making money decisions about it made me want to gamble, (run away from my reality). But I didn’t act on my thoughts and they have gone away. I am picking my Grandson up from school soon and we are spending 3 hours together till my Daughter gets home from work. Keeping busy=no gambling for me.
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Liz in a way it is almost as if you are saying goodbye to your husband again with selling the Condo. I don’t know how long it was your home with your husband, but I am sure there are many memories there, both happy and sad. You have faced so much over the last year and with such strength. It is amazing how we recognize now that our gambling thoughts can be tied in to what we are dealing with and wanting to escape from our reality.
I can read the contentment in your posts when you are in your new home. I will say a prayer that your Condo sells fast.
I am sorry that your Grandson is having such a tough time with the loss of his Papa, but it shows the love he had for him and how he misses him. I love reading your posts about your Grandson and what you do with him. I so wish that our Grandchildren lived closer to us. We went out early before Christmas to see them and we were able to see our 6 year old Grandson play hockey and it was totally wonderful and amazing. He can skate so fast and scored six goals. We also got to see our 3 year old Grandson have a skating lesson. Those are the things that I miss being able to do and see with not living so close. Our 6 year old Grandson is going to play ball in the spring. He played soccer for the last few years.
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Cat, thanks so much for your post!!!!! We lived in the condo for 19 years, a long time. I think you are right, I am saying goodbye to my Husband again. But it is going to be alright. I know now that my new life and surroundings are awesome. I believe he is looking down on me now and saying, way to go girl!!! I am saying prayers too that the condo sells fast. Cat, when my Grandson is sad about his Papa, I let him get his emotions out and talk about it. I think that is a healthy way to deal with grief. Then I ask him to remember something funny or silly that Papa did as he was a jokester. It usually brings a smile to his face and mine. I tell him that Papa wants us to remember the silly, funny things that he did and the things that we did together. That he wants us to be happy and to have a good life. I am no expert, but that is how I help my Grandson and I get through the hard times. I have the dishwasher and washer going at my Daughters apartment as I am straightening up the place waiting for my Grandson to get out of school. Then we are heading to my new place for the weekend. Yeah!!!! Home sweet Home!!!!! Take care everyone and have a awesome, gamble free day!!!
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My Grandson and Daughter went back to the city about 1 hour ago. They went fishing this morning but didn’t get a bite. He is getting more patient as he was able to sit and fish for 2 hours. I told him that one of these days he will catch a fish. He has caught one but it was at a trout farm. So, we have new fishing poles and tackle boxes. He will catch one sooner or later. LOL!!!! I am tired. I will be home for 2 1/2 more days before I head to the city. I am taking my Mom out for breakfast tomorrow and I am spending part of the day with her. I am going to work all day Tuesday in my backyard. I need at least one day for me. I like being alone once in a while. It helps me clear my mind. Nothing else going on.
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Today was good. My Mother and I went for breakfast and I spent most of the day with her. I am at home, enjoying a grilled cheese and hot potato soup. I am in heaven!!! Tomorrow I am going to straighten the house and work in my backyard. Heading for the city on Wednesday and I won’t be home till Saturday night. It is dusk here and the sunset is awesome!!! Mostly pinks and purple in the sky. The geese were out on my street most of the day and I could hear a owl somewhere close to here. I am still having sleeping issues but I think I will take a sleeping pill tonight. I don’t take them often, but after a few days of little sleep, I need to do something. I think that my brain is on overload and I can’t shut it off when I try to sleep. My Daughter meditates and recommended for me to try it as it helps to relax you and she has been able to sleep better since doing it. I am up for anything natural as I don’t like relying on pills to sleep. Nothing else going on here. Take care everyone.
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Dear (((Liz)))! I do hope you get a good night’s sleep tonight. Sleep deprivation affects a person physically and mentally. I have been going through some insomnia myself lately. My granddaughter will be returning to her home tomorrow and I have to drive her as she has way too much stuff here for her to bus it home. I plan on stopping at the bank when she’s with me as I have an envelope of cash that I don’t want to see disappear, other than in my account. I think you understand some about how I felt living in the country now. Cities tend to suck the life out of people, as there is so much noise and visual stimulation. I miss living in the country and the privacy and quietness, and the wildlife. I don’t miss being married. Carole
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I love reading your posts as there is such contentment in them as it comes across how you are enjoying your life and are happy with yourself. You really are an inspiration. Have a wonderful day and enjoy yourself in your garden doing the weeding!!! I think it is your attitude that inspires me as it seems no matter what you are doing that you are happy doing it. Wonderful!!!
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Thanks Carole and Cat for your posts. I totally agree with you Carole about the city. I feel so exhausted when I come back home from a trip there. The noise, traffic, rat-race, I am so done with that!!!! I cleaned, did laundry and worked a little in the backyard. I went to the library as they have a book store in there and were having a sell. I bought 3 gardening books and a novel for myself and spent a grand total of $3.00. I also went to a antique store and bought 4 bags of buttons as my Daughter, Grandson and I are doing a craft project for my home. We are painting a tree of life on a canvas and the leaves are going to be buttons that we glue on. My Daughter saw it on a craft website. I am going to hang it in my bedroom. My Daughter worked from home today and took cupcakes to my Grandson’s classroom to celebrate his 8th birthday. We are having his birthday bash on Saturday. She emailed me pictures and he has the biggest smile on his face. My Daughter will be 1 year sober next month. She is doing awesome. She goes to support groups and one on one counseling. She has come a long way and I am so proud of her and grateful that she is living a good life. Our relationship keeps getting better as both of us work at it. She is amazing!!! Life works in mysterious ways as it took my Husbands illness to open her eyes and go to rehab. It took his death to bring us closer. So good things do happen out of bad circumstances.
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Dear (((Liz)))! It made me happy when I read that your daughter took cupcakes to your grandson’s classroom. It’s amazing how present people can be in real life when they are in recovery. I also think the craft project sounds wonderful and I’m sure it will be a treasured piece of art on your bedroom wall. I hear you that good things can come out of someone’s death. I reconciled with my mother, sister, and brother after my brother Ron died. We had been estranged for about 20 years. I’m a little envious of you living in a smaller town. I did enjoy living in the country and believe it to be a much healthier environment to be, even though there isn’t as much to do socially. I’m so glad that you have found your “groove” by moving there. Carole
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I am in the city today thru Saturday when we will be celebrating my Grandson’s birthday. Carole, my Daughter emailed me a picture of my Grandson yesterday celebrating his birthday with his classmates. He had the biggest smile on his face. Mostly I think, because his Mom was there. She has become the most awesome Mom since her recovery. I am proud of her and the way my Grandson looks at her. She is everything to him. She is so patient with him and understanding. If you ask him if he is a Mama’s boy, he will till you yes. I can’t wait to start our craft/picture. I can envision it hanging in my bedroom. I didn’t get a lot of the backyard done, but I am doing small sections at a time. I need to hire someone to trim the 7 trees on my property and I will call someone when I get back home. I made a resolution yesterday that I have to lose some weight. All of my clothes are getting tighter. I kept telling myself that I would get a grip on it when I was less sad about my husband dying but that is just a excuse. As I am not real tall, I can not carry the extra 25 lbs. I am starting with cutting out all sweets. I have had no soda today so I am coming off a sugar high. Having health issues (heart) I need lead a healthy lifestyle. So, today is the first day of eating right. When I got to my Daughter’s apt. she had a crock-pot full of vegetable soup cooking for dinner. She must be reading my mind. I totally gouched my hand yesterday when I was doing yard work. It took a long time to stop bleeding because of the blood thinners I have to take. Looking at it today, I should have probably had a few stitches. I cleaned it up and re-bandaged it. I need to be more careful. Well, I am going to do some reading as I have a little time before I pick my Grandson up from school. Have a great gamble free day everyone.
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I had a offer on the condo yesterday. It has been on the market since Monday. Of course they came in at a low price. My agent got them up $5000, still too low. So, I asked for $3000 more and that they pay their closing costs as they are TLC, but that is reflected in the price. I am trying not to stress about this as it a win/win situation for me. All of my proceeds can be put back into savings to replenish the cost of my new home. I guess I am in a hurry just to get that chapter of my life finished. I need to so I can move on mentally. Yes, I guess I am stressing about this although I am trying not to. I made the decision to sell and not buy my step-daughter out as I don’t want to run 2 households. A part of me is still sad as it was the place my Husband and I lived in for years. It doesn’t feel like my home anymore but it is full of memories. I am praying about this so I can let it go peacefully (mentally) when the time comes. Surprisingly, I haven’t thought of gambling. So, I guess I am dealing with the stress in a constructive way. One day at a time.
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Today has been very emotional! Have you ever had a moment where the light bulb comes on and you know you have to make a big decision in your life? That happened to me this morning. I have held my Grandson tight to me and I have been over-protective of him because of the lifestyle choices his Mom and Dad made in the past (addiction). His Dad has been clean for quite awhile and my Daughter will be clean for 1 year soon. It is time for me to let go!!! Starting next week, my Grandson will be going to afternoon karate camp 3 days a week and when his Dad get a new car (his died) he will pick him up the other 2 days from school. I will see my Grandson on the weekends they come up or if they get into a bind and need me and of course I am welcomed to see him anytime. He will be staying a lot with me during the summer also. My Daughter needs to be the Mother now. She thanked me and my late Husband for being over protective of him and taking care of him when she didn’t. She said he was the awesome kid he is because of us. I know this is the thing to do. I cried a lot and prayed about it. So, I will be helping out for a while till everything is in place. After school we are going to the park and then this evening the 3 of us are going to a movie. Tomorrow is his birthday bash and then I am going home. Monday is a holiday and no school but he is going with his Mom half of the day to her workplace and the other half she is working from home. I felt a little stress and emotions that were hard to deal with but I dealt with them and didn’t flee to the casino. It is time for me to start my new life and start putting the pieces together. It is exciting and scary at the same time but I am looking forward to it.
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I am home now for 4 1/2 days. Home sweet home! My Grandson’s birthday party was awesome. All the kids invited showed up and their families. He is a lucky boy to have so many friends! The food, cake, and company was great!! I am going to relax tomorrow and to some things around the house and yard the other days I am here. My Grandson pointed out to me that this is the first birthday without his Papa. I remember last year, he was in the hospital on my Grandson’s birthday and my Daughter postponed his party till my Husband was able to attend. It was raining that day and my Husband had to use a walker to get around. He told me that this would be the last birthday of his that he would attend and he was right! My Daughter said there has been a lot of firsts, birthdays, holidays, ect.. for us to get through but that we were getting through them the best we can and that we were moving forward. Honestly, it is getting easier getting through the days but there are still moments of sadness and times that I wished he was here with me. I guess that is normal. Someone at the party asked me when I was going to join a group and maybe start dating. I told her I wasn’t ready to date yet. I know she meant well because she doesn’t want me to be alone but it hurt a little as I can’t see myself with someone else at this point. Maybe down the road. I’m taking one day at a time.
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Lots of emotions being churned up Lizbeth due to family changes . Great to see you are handling everything so well. The sale of the condo, your move to a new home, the separation from your grandson…..now that’s a “biggie!”! Sort of made me gasp when I read it, but then we have to remember Lizbeth that everything changes….
I was thinking of you lately. A neighbour of ours is in the end stage of lung cancer. The doctor told the wife “it will be quick in the end!” Sounds a bit abrupt…..I can’t even bear to think about people dying….When I had to deal with death at work, I would just say to the relatives things like…”Is everybody here who would want to be!”or ” Don’t go too far away now!”
Its very different when you are actively involved than emotionally involved. You sort of get the grace to switch off the “sad emotions” and do what is required with tender loving care.
I hope you will be able to “hand over” your grandson with as much dignity as you “handed over” your dear husband. Your daughter was one lucky girl to have you and your husband to act in loco parentis when she was unavailable. Your bond with that little guy will never end.
I don’t write to you often Lizbeth but you are in my thoughts and prays a lot.
I hope everything runs smoothly for you.
Your coping skills astound me!
You are so gentle, yet so strong! -
Thank you Vera for your post. It is good to know that I am in your thoughts and prayers. My Sister is in town visiting with my Mom and will be going home tomorrow. I was thinking about the last time she talked to me (it will be 1 year March 14th, 2 days after my Husband died), well actually she kicked me out of her car. She has her own demons to deal with and our relationship wasn’t healthy for a long time. I hope she finds her way to happiness. I needed a few days to unwind and de-stress myself anyways before I having any contact with my Mom. I think I am a little depressed about my Grandson and not being around him so much but I decided it was the best thing to do and it is a healthy thing to do. You are right Vera, everything changes and we have to change too even if it is painful. My Daughter will never be able to take her role as his Mother if I am always in the picture. I do overstep my boundaries sometimes and it is hard not to do so but it is very confusing for my Grandson. It time to let go but that doesn’t make it less painful. I know it will be okay so I will deal with it. Vera, I think it takes a special person to deal with sickness and death. My Husband died 2 months after his cancer diagnosis. Those were the longest 2 months as he struggled daily dealing with his body dying and shutting down. His actual death was fast but that was because we had a DNR and he was given massive amounts of morphine for his pain and he went to sleep and never woke up. It was the most humane and kindest thing that was done for him. I feel like I am coping well with everything but I do have times of great sadness. I just have to take things one day at a time. Right now I am trying to get healthy. I read somewhere where your health is your wealth. I went grocery shopping yesterday and chose healthier foods. I need to take time to focus on myself a little and make me the best I can be. I have a lot of living left to do and many adventures still to do. I wish everyone a great gamble free day!!
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I made a big commitment today. I joined a gym. It is owned by the Native American Tribe here. I went to all 3 gyms today and toured them. This one had more to offer and was the cheapest. It also has a heated into pool and all the extra classes, yoga, ect.. are included in the monthly fee. Also, my Grandson can come and enjoy the pool for a small fee!! There are also basketball courts we can use. I am excited as I am doing my first workout tomorrow. I need to remember to take it slow and build up my stamina. Tomorrow afternoon, I am taking my Mother to the eye doctors again as the growth on her eyelid has come back. This will be the 3rd surgery. I hope this is the last one. After I get her home, I am going to the city for 2 days. My Daughter called me today and my Grandson is sick, probably a virus. She is working from home tomorrow and taking him to the Doctors. I have more interested buyers and we are just waiting for their offers. Hopefully we will have a solid offer soon! I posted on Kathryn’s thread and what she going through is probably what I will be going through at some time. My Mother is really slowing down physically and mentally. I am so glad that I moved closer to her as my Sister has a full time job and can’t be here as much. I watched my Mother take care of both of my Grandma’s, her Mother and her Mother in law. It is a hard job. My Mother told me today that when the time comes that she wants to go to a assisted living place. Even though those are her wishes, it will be hard to do. I will deal with that when the time comes.
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Hi Lizbeth
I admire you… i really do. I see such a strength in you. I dont know if you see it. I hope you do. Always doing for others but you know when to step back too and as hard as it is for you to do that you know its right despite it hurting you. I really think you have your head screwed on the right way Lizbeth. Glad you joined a gym, how wonderful. If only i were that motivated hehe.. good on you Lizbeth. I am here cheering you on from across the seasP
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Thanks P for the encouraging post. I do see the strength in myself. Sometimes I am surprise by it. I think that I am growing as I am willing to make changes even if they are difficult ones. I am trying to make my life better. I have awesome news! I have a great offer on the condo, just under my asking price. My realtor is coming by tomorrow morning with paperwork for me to sign. This is just another step in my process of moving forward in my life. My Grandson is feeling much better as kids rebound so fast. His Dad decided to pick him up from school the next 2 days. I am still going to the city on Friday and meeting my youngest Daughter at the condo. She wants to see it for the last time. She said she was going to miss it. Maybe we will do lunch and then I am coming back home. My Mom didn’t have her eye surgery today as he wants to do it outpatient (hospital) instead of his office. So he scheduled it for the 27th of this month. We had dinner together and she came over to my house for awhile. Everything is good and I feel less stress in my life. P, I worked out this morning and my thighs and butt muscles were hurting all day!!!! They have water aerobics also. Maybe I will try it out!!! I had bake salmon and salad and veggies for dinner. I am trying to get back to a healthy lifestyle. There are a lot of hiking trails around here that I would like to hike but not in the shape I am in now. One day at a time, one step at a time!!
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Liz I am so happy to hear your news that you got a good offer on your Condo. It really has not taken long for it to sell as it is was only the beginning of January that you put it on the market. I am glad that your Grandson is feeling better. I read one of your earlier posts about letting your daughter be your son’s mother and stepping back. It is wonderful that you were there for him when he needed you and I know you will always be there for him when he needs you, but it is great for you to be his Grandma and love him to bits. I love reading your posts as I find them so uplifting. I know that you have been through so much with the loss of your husband, but you are starting to live again. Your posts about what you are doing whether it is being sore from working out at the gym or weeding your garden have an upbeat feel to them. I am so happy for you and you deserve all the good things that come into your life. Have a great gamble free day!!! Sorry if I am rambling.
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Cat, as always it is good to hear from you. I am glad that my posts have a upbeat feel to them. From the death of my Husband, I have learned that we only have one life to live and that we should make the best of it! I do put a lot into the hands of God such as the condo. I started stressing about it and I gave it over to God. I was at peace with it and I knew the outcome would be good. I don’t know why my Husband had to die but I want good things to come out of his death. He would want me to live a good life and to be happy. I am waiting for my realtor then off to the city. My Daughter called and my Grandsons cold got worse during the night. He is coughing a lot. His parents have been taking alternate days off of work to stay home with him. They both have deadlines to make tomorrow. I might stay through the weekend if needed. I am stopping by the store on the way out and picking up some airborne to start taking. LOL!!!! Cat, thanks for your support during my Husband’s illness and death. It meant so much to me and helped me cope with everything.
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I am here in the city. My Daughter has left for work and my Grandson is still sleeping. He has a nasty cold as do his parents. I am taking airborne and crossing my fingers that I don’t catch it! I bought Lysol wipes and have wiped down door knobs, countertops, any thing that I can. I had to change plans and my youngest Daughter and I are meeting at the condo this evening after my other Daughter gets home from work. I really dislike the city now and it is hard traveling back and forth. Next week my Grandson has 2 early release days from school so I will need to be here. I did sleep well last night as I think I was exhausted. Nothing else really going on. Take care everyone and have a great gamble free day!
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Okay this is the 3rd time I have tried to post. Somehow I keep deleting it! Let’s try again. I am at home now for a few days. It feels good to be home. I woke this morning with a sore throat as I obviously caught what everyone else had at my Daughter’s home. I am taking some cold medicine and drinking hot green tea. I am going to rest today as I want to go to the gym tomorrow morning and I am taking my Mom to a eye appointment tomorrow afternoon. My youngest Daughter said good bye to the condo Friday evening. It was emotional for her as we had a lot of memories there. I told her that we would carry those memories with us and that we could make new memories at my new home. I never felt the same about the condo after my Husband died. I didn’t want to live there anymore. I feel comfortable in my new home and since I am starting a new life it felt like the right thing to do. Life does go on! I have had some challenging times and it has been real sad and hard to be without my Husband but the grief has lessen. I am putting myself out there more and I am meeting new people in my community and I am up to try new things and activities. I am not one for crowds, ect.. so this is new for me. One step at a time! The geese are out and about this morning! They are just fun to watch! I had a close friend of mine, we knew each other but didn’t become good friends till my Husband became ill, tell me that having me as a friend made her a better person. Oh, that is what life is all about. Not material things but the people that you have in your life who love you for yourself. I feel the same about her as she was my rock and helped me through the early dark times and helped me to stay strong. Enough of my rambling. Have a great gamble free day everyone.
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Hey Liz
Sorry to hear you are now sick.. kind of new that one was coming when you said you were minding your sick grandson, its very hard to dodge when we are in close contact.. its good that you were there for him though even though you have now got it yourself. Always love your posts.. i particularly loved what you said about the people in your life. Yes i think when we gamble money and material things seem to take a disproportioned view in our lives till the gambling fog settles and we can see whats real and whats important. I feel that way too. I dont have much money but i cherish the small number of people i have.. more than gold… ??P
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Thanks P for the post. I am feeling much better now. I rested and drank plenty of hot green tea and that seemed to do the trick. I had a crappy day. My bank alerted me that someone was trying to use my Visa/ATM card as somehow they had the number. Since it looked suspicious they shut down the card and called me. Someone almost had themselves a nice vacation package and some sports equipment. I had to go to the bank and get a temporary card and they ordered me a new card. Thank goodness that the banks are on the look out for fraudulent activity. I had used the card to purchase a few things online, maybe that is were it was breached. I guess this type of thing happens a lot according to the person who helped me at the bank. I am grateful as they could of caused a lot of damage. I did manage to clean my house today as I am going to they city soon for a few days. Going to the gym with my Mom tomorrow morning. Nothing else going on. I feel kind of drained (emotionally). Take care everyone.
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I arrived in the city yesterday. My Daughter was happy to see me. She hasn’t been able to get much sleep due to my Grandson still trying to get over his cold. His coughing at night kept them up the last 2 nights before I got here. She is also having a lot of stress at her new job, the one she loves. A new manager was hired and he asked her to do something which she found unethical. She went to the CEO and discussed it with him and he agreed with her and pulled the manager in his office for a talk. She is apprehensive as what will happen now with the manager and his treatment of her. Having little sleep only intensifies the stress. After dinner I sent her off to bed and made some hot tea for her. She relaxed and watched her favorite TV show and fell asleep. My Grandson and I played and read and I gave him some cough syrup and we went to bed. Everyone is still sleeping as I have my tea this morning. It is another early out day for my Grandson. We are tying to figure out what we are going to do this evening as Mom has a date she is going on. I am staying part of Saturday to attend a jewelry party hosted by one of my Daughter’s friends and then off to my new place. It feels good to be needed. Our relationship has progresses so much the last 10 months. It makes me happy!!
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I am back home! The jewelry party was fun. It was held at Mexican food restaurant..so I got to pig out and shop at the same time!! LOL!!! I bought 2 necklaces and a ring! If I was still gambling, I wouldn’t be able to do that. It feels good to treat myself once in awhile. My Daughter was less stressed when I left. She thanked me over and over for helping her with my Grandson and giving her some TLC. Face it, we all need some TLC sometimes. One of my Cousins is coming here to visit for a few days. She is staying with my Mom. I haven’t seen her for a few years. She is only 3 years older than me but she has severe health issues. It will be good to see her. We are having dinner together tomorrow night. I am home for 4 days so I am going to tackle my storage shed and get it organized as I have just thrown things it there. All and all, I am happy at the progress I have made getting things organized since I have only been here a little over 2 months. I like everything in it’s place. Just one of my pet peeves. I helped my Daughter take a few loads of stuff to her storage unit this morning as she is moving the end of July. She sub-leased the apartment from a friend who lost their job and was stuck in the lease. I am not sure if my Daughter is going to rent or buy a place. But we are going to start packing stuff up and get ready for the move. Usually the first day that I am home, I need to unwind and just spend the day relaxing. It seems like I am always on the go. I am busy also faxing things back to the title company handling the sell of the condo. It is a hassle sometimes but it will be good to get that over with and move on. Oh, the man who lives across the street from me came over the other day. He hands out food samples for companies at one of the grocery stores here in town. He said he would bring left over samples to me if I wanted them. Very nice of him. My next door neighbor is 93 years old and a sweetie. The other side neighbor’s children are selling the place as their Mom died right before Xmas. They are really nice. There are other siblings and they have to sell everything and split the money. It’s kind of sad as her Daughter lived with her and now has to move. Well, so much for my rambling. Life is good ! Take care everyone!
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Hey nice on the jewellery and mexican food, way to go sounds delicious, fun and you have yourself some nice things.. love that things are improving with your daughter and relationship..
I drink instant coffee by the way, its still delicious, the way i go on and on about my coffee you would think it was exquisite and gourmet and percolated to perfection but no.. its instant but i love it and enjoy it, the simple things.. its all how we look at them hehe..P
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Thanks P for the post. My Cousin was here for 3 days and we had a good time. We hadn’t seen each other for years but have kept in touch via the phone. I think we will be seeing more of each other in the future. It is cold here and I am in for the day as I did some grocery shopping earlier. I am doing laundry and packing for the city. My poor Daughter! She went to work today and 1/2 of her co-workers were laid off. (it is a small company) She was asked to go back to part time for awhile as the company is having money problems. They are letting her keep her health insurance. So, she is riding it out as there may not be a company in 60 days. The CEO has been paying part of the salaries out of his pocket to keep the company afloat. My Daughter is a loyal employee and likes her job. She agreed to stick it out. She is thankful to have a job! I am proud of her and happy that she is working her recovery. Something like this would have caused her to go and use drugs in the past but she is dealing with stressful situations in a more healthy way. She phone me and we talked about it and she knows she has my support. She has come such a long way!!! I am making dinner for my Mom tonight, salmon, fresh veggies and a twice baked potato. Yummy!!! P, sometimes the most simple things in life can be the most comforting. For me it is my hot tea.
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Okay, somehow I just wiped out my entire post. That’s how my day has been going. LOL!! I will start again. I am in the city. I had a rough start this morning. I am getting my tax stuff together and I haven’t received my Husband’s W2’s. I tried to get them through his employer’s online site. But because he is deceased I couldn’t access them. I had to call and the wait time was 25 mins. I waited and was told that I could write a letter requesting them and fax it. That’s what I did. The woman faxing them for me was very rude. Maybe she was having a bad day too. I made sure to tell her to have a good day when I was finished. I went by the condo when I got here to check the mail and condo and everything was fine. My Daughter text me that she was having a hard day. The letting go of half of the staff and the stress of not knowing if she will have a job in 60 days is a lot to deal with. I reassured her that I understood and that I am here for her. I pulled everything out of my Grandson’s walk in closet so she can purge and organize things for her move in July. She will probably not be able to buy a home then as she won’t qualify only working part time. But she can lease a small home for them. Maybe it isn’t the time for her to buy. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Her boss kept her because he believes that she has the creativity to help turn the company around. He only kept the people who have been loyal and are hardworking. Life is like a roller coaster. You go through ups and downs and then everything evens off and goes back to normal. She will be alright! Have a great gamble free day everyone.
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I am home again!! This time for 5 days. Maybe I can get a few things accomplished. I helped my Daughter clean out 2 walk in closets and I took the donated stuff to a woman’s crisis center. My Daughter and my Grandson are going away for the weekend for some alone time. They are planning to fish and have some picnics and do some exploring. On the 21st of this month she was invited back to the drug recovery center that she was in for 2 weeks. She will get her 1 year medallion for being clean and sober. I am so proud of her. She asked me and her son to be there with her. She has come a long way!!! She already has offers to do some free lance work for different companies. This will help make up for the part time hours. She is so full of life now and just glows with happiness. She has become a great Mother and is so caring with her son. It is so good to see!!! I am glad to be home but it is cold here!! There was a light dusting of snow this morning but it has already melted. I haven’t heard anything about the inspection that the buyer’s of the condo scheduled. I am hoping maybe tomorrow I will find out the results. Nothing else going on.
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I am busy at my new home. I had all of the trees trimmed this weekend. I have a peach tree which I was told by the neighbors had a lot of delicious peaches on it last summer. I can’t wait to taste them. I am going tomorrow to purchase security doors for the house as I have screen doors now. My handyman (next door) is going to put them on for me. My Cousin from California is coming for a week visit this June. I am planning a 3 day road trip for us. She has a few places in mind that she would like to see which are closer to where I live now. It will be fun. We reunited when I took my Mom to see her Sister last year. Tomorrow I am going to the gym and then to get my new doors. I have been feeling restless the last few days. I don’t know why. The best thing for me to do is to stay busy and out of trouble. Take care everyone.
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Today has been a test for me! My Mom lashed out at me and fiercely!!!! All this time, I felt like we were making progress and know I realize that I was the only one working on our relationship. I was in tears!!! I don’t know why I don’t just get it and accept it for what it is. I am not sure what it is as I have never had a relationship like this before. After hurling any hurtful comment she could think of towards me she laughed and said,” how do you like it”?? I have really been working on myself and I do have faults but I didn’t deserve her mean words. She is upset as her truck is having issues again. It seems if something happens to rock her perfect world that she freaks out!!! I told her that I would help her fix it and I tried to comfort her. I feel so alone right now!!! I would like to be close to my Mom but it’s not going to happen as I can’t do it alone. Sorry for ranting but I feel so sad right now. I am chasing something that is never going to be the way I want it. I have to face that. It is hard to do!!!
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I reached out to my Daughter as I am in a lot of pain right now dealing with my Mom. She was so supportive and helpful. She told me that I needed to let it go and that I had made real strides in my personal growth. I need to recognize that the relationship that I want with my Mother isn’t going to happen. I need to accept her for what she is so she can’t hurt me so easily. My Daughter thinks that she is coming at me because she can’t deal with her own anxieties and she is trying to pull me into her negative world. It all makes sense. My Daughter said she is here to support me and that she is happy that I am seeing my Mom’s behavior for what it is, unhealthy. We are going to talk tonight when she gets off work. I am feeling better and trying to work through this.
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Hi Lizbeth,
I don’t get the chance to read as many threads as I would like but I’ve just managed to read through the last month or so of yours. Thanks for some inspiring posts. You show both how many great things recovery gives us and also how it also allows to deal with the not so good stuff as well. Well done and congratualations on your gambel free time.
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I am sorry that your mother treated you like that Liz. You do not deserve to be treated like that. It is difficult to understand why anyone would do what she did. Does she ever apologize for her behaviour towards you? On the positive side, it is absolutely wonderful that you can now reach out to your daughter and she is supporting you. It is so tough to deal with her behaviour as you felt you were making progress. I think sometimes we have a picture in our head of the type of relationship we want from someone and for some reason it’s not always possible. I can’t imagine treating my daughter that way. One day at a time (((Liz))) I am sure it will help you to talk to your daughter tonight.
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Thanks Charles and Cat for your posts. I like sharing my life and feelings here as I hope it helps others and it gives me time to reflect and learn from what is happening in my life and how I respond to it. Cat, my Mom rarely apologizes for anything she says or does. It is always someone else’s fault. Maybe that is why a lot of people in my family don’t talk to her. It always feels like a one-sided relationship and her anger and fury are scary at times. I look back at my childhood and my Mom would try to keep us in line by using guilt as her weapon. I think that is why I became such a people pleaser. I was always trying to keep her happy as she would have fits of rage and throw things and say terrible things to us. I was very shy as a child and she terrified me. She still uses these tactics to try to have control over others. She never learned or tried to communicate normally about anything. My Daughter called me earlier and we talked about the situation. She is very supportive and helped me process the incident. She is smart and has done a lot of work involving her feelings in her addiction classes. My Mom never forgets anything that she thinks was done wrong to her and she lets it fester. She lashes out and tries to make you feel as miserable as she does. My Daughter told me that I was doing the healthy thing in not feeding into her negativity and putting some space between us. She said if I woke up tomorrow and I felt I needed to stay away from her I should. My Mom will never call me, if I want to see her again, I will have to call or go see her. It really is a very toxic situation. I was totally drained today and I took a nap. Cat, being able to know that my Daughter is here for me is the positive of all of this madness. This is sad but when I hug my Mom she rarely puts her arms around me. I do the hugging and her arms are at her sides. I don’t want to become angry about this. My Mom really has no one to be there for her when she is sick, ect… My Mom is unable to be the kind of Mom that I would like her to be. I need to accept her for who she is. But I will not take her wrath.
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Today was truly trying. My sister in law left a message on my face book telling me that my mother in law is dying. She was trying to get hold of my Husband. My Husband had no contact with his family for years and they don’t know that he has died. He didn’t want me to contact them when he was ill or died. So, I didn’t. I thought about it and I emailed her back telling her that her brother had died. I felt bad for telling her when her Mother is dying but if she didn’t hear from him than she would be wondering what was going on. It kind of took my breath away and even though they need to know the truth, I don’t know if they deserve it. There was so much abuse (mental and physical) that my Husband endured as a child from his Mother. Both of his Sister’s have major issues and my Husband decided about 9 years ago to severe his ties to them. I know I did the right thing in telling her but it was a hard decision as they caused so much pain for my Husband. But I couldn’t live with myself not letting them know. I knew at some point I would have to make that decision. I did have positive news today. My realtor is coming by with paperwork for me to sign tomorrow. The inspection went well and the buyers aren’t asking for anything to be fixed. My Mom came by and is acting like nothing happened. I was busy so she didn’t stay long. I need to set up more boundaries with her. Welcome to my crazy world!!
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Ican thanks for the post. Yes, even though my world is crazy, I am trying to deal with the issues in a positive, healthy way. I received a email late last night that my mother in law died. I felt for his sister as she learned of her brother’s and mother’s death on the same day. I hope my Husband’s mother is at peace now as she caused her children so much pain. Ican, I guess I put up with my Mom’s antics because I love her and she is my Mother. But she is unhealthy and I need to put up more boundaries and spend less time with her. My Daughter says I need to invest more time with myself, and she is right. I am going to stay close to home today as I have someone coming over to haul all the tree branches off. I am feeling a little drained.
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Dear Liz! I read your thread back from when I was away, and you have been going through a lot! Congratulations on selling your condo! Way to go on joining the gym! During the time I was in Winnipeg, I did not follow a healthy eating program, as I wasn’t at my own home, and there was too much stress for me. I can tell I gained back some of the weight I worked so hard to lose, but when I’m ready again, I will try and organize myself so that I can eat better. So much has changed for you since your husband was diagnosed and with his subsequent death. It saddens me to hear that your mother was so very mean-spirited with you. And then to ask you how you like it?? OUCH!! You have done nothing but help her yet she acts like you’ve been the one that has been nasty with her. Once you really get to the point that you know in your heart that she will never be the mother you would have like to have, then it will be easier not to get sucked into her twisted thinking. Thankfully you can take those experiences and turn them around by being the best mother and grandmother you can be for your girls and grandson. Thank you for your support while I was away. It meant a lot. Carole
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Carole, I am so glad that you are at home and are alright. I was worried about you. I am in the city at my Daughter’s apartment. I have the dishwasher and washing machine going. LOL!! She is one busy lady and I don’t mind helping her out. My realtor came by my house earlier this morning for me to sign the inspection papers. We are just waiting for the appraisal to come in. Once that is done and it appraises for at least what I am selling in for (which I can’t imagine it won’t) the loan will be processed. We are supposed to close in 14 days. My realtor said it could even be a few days earlier. I put a call into my lawyer to send me some more of the paperwork from the court as the title company is asking for them at the closing. Everything is moving along (and fast). The guy (hauler) came by yesterday and gave me a estimate. His company is hauling all the tree branches and cleaning up my lot this afternoon. So, tomorrow evening I will come home to a nice clean yard!!! I saw my Mother yesterday and she is so distant from me. It’s all about her and her feelings. I am learning to tune a lot of it out. Yes, once I get it through my head that my Mother isn’t going to be the kind of Mother that I want her to be her words won’t hurt so bad. It is just going to take me some time to get there. I am a good Mother and Grandmother and would never treat my Daughters or Grandson the way she treats others. But she isn’t going to change. She doesn’t think she has a problem, everyone else does. She started comparing myself and my Sister yesterday when I saw her. I thwarted that conversation and talked about something else. I know why she was doing it. She was trying to get me get to me and hurt me because she knows how to push my buttons. I have to be very selective on what I tell her as she tells my Sister everything. I know this because someone who talks to both of us told me things that she has told my Sister. I don’t ask about my Sister’s life but my Mom tries to tell me. If my Sister wanted me know she would be talking to me. I wish her no ill will but we aren’t in each others lives because that is what she chose. Maybe someday but my Mom still stirs the pot causing a bigger rift between us. It is so sad!!!! Positives-My Grandson and Daughter are spending the weekend with me and we are going to work on our tree of life picture (canvas). I want to hang it in my bedroom when it is done. Maybe we will go to the new Lego movie too. Monday we are going to have my Mother over for lunch. She isn’t so bad around other people, so she knows what she is doing. I am picking my Grandson up late from school as on Thursdays he is in a afterschool program (zoology). He loves it!! Well, sorry for rambling. Take care everyone and have a great day!
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Hi Lizbeth
Wow your mum is a piece of work isn’t she… I think its amazing that you are so kind to her and she gives you all this backlash and game playing.. it is a problem she has though and you dont so just do your best as you are doing. Maybe if she acts this way with you all the time dont invite her to so many things after she has been nasty. Maybe she could put two and two together and see if she is nasty then she misses out on the next visit or something.. i dont know if that is good advice to be honest.. i just say what comes out.
Glad you are the example of love to your daughter and grandson.P
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Thanks P for your post. I have decided to stop trying to figure my Mother out. I have done nothing wrong to her. I do a lot for her because she is on a fixed income. Since I don’t gamble anymore, I do have extra money every month. I treat my Mother to lunches and dinners and I have given her money or paid for something to help her out. I think I was spending too much time with her. It is time to start joining some clubs in my new town and meeting new people with whom I can maybe have friendships. I love my Mom and she isn’t going to change. I need to do the changing and start limiting my time with her and walking away when she is in one of her nasty moods. I know how I treat the ones I love. I love them with all of my heart. I am waiting for my Grandson to get out of school so we can head to my place. He doesn’t have a bed yet so he can sleep in the guest room. I am going to start working on my new house more. We usually stop for dinner on our way home and my Grandson asked if we could do that today. He is such a joy in my life. My Daughter is at a personal growth seminar today and tomorrow. She text me earlier saying that she was glad she decided to go and invest her time and money in the seminar, that it was amazing. I had lunch with my youngest Daughter today and she is doing well. I am finishing up some laundry and just unloaded the dishwasher. Just little things to help my Daughter out. Have a good day everyone!
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My Grandson and I made it home safely yesterday evening. We stayed up late last night so we got up late this morning. The only thing on our agenda today is going to see the new LEGO movie in a few hours. My Mom called last night to see if we made it home and acted like she was my best friend. What the heck? She really needs some counseling as I think she has a real problem. She has terrible mood swings and a lot of anger. She tried to throw herself into our plans today and I stopped her telling her that we were going to the movies. She doesn’t like the movies. I told her she could come over sometime this weekend if she wanted. No response. Oh well, I want to enjoy being with my Grandson and my Daughter is coming Sunday evening. Monday we are going fishing real early and having lunch around noon, which my Mom has been invited to already. Oh, my yard looks nice as the tree limbs and yard was cleaned up while I was gone. I am going to enjoy my day with my Grandson. I hope everyone has a great day!
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Dear (((Liz)))! When I saw the advertisement for the new Lego movie, I thought of you and your grandson. I know how much he loved LEGOLAND. Good for you for not letting your mother infuse herself into your plans. We definitely need to put boundaries around those people who are toxic to us. We all have them in our lives and recovery teaches us how to do that. I don’t see your mother going to counselling as she doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge that she has problems. So like you said, you need to be the one that changes your behavior towards her, because she isn’t going to change. I know you’ll have a good time with your grandson. Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post. My Mom showed up unannounced and brought a angel food cake, strawberries, and whip cream for my Grandson and I. She didn’t stay long. Very strange! Maybe it was a peace offering. We are going to the movie in about 1 hour. When I visit at my Daughter’s place I help put together the EWOK VILLIAGE that my Grandson got for his birthday, it has close to 2000 pieces. He is a big Star Wars fan. I could feel myself getting upset when my Mom showed up. I need to get that into check and deal with her in a healthy way. Yes Carole, I agree that I need to put more boundaries in place with her. She is very toxic.
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The LEGO movie was real cute! There was a lot of things though that were geared towards adults. My Grandson enjoyed it but there were a lot of younger children in the audience who seemed bored with it. There was a moral to the story so I asked my Grandson after the movie to see if he got it and he did! We went to Walmart today and are at home playing games. My Daughter is coming up this evening after her last seminar at 5:30PM. I am a little down today, I don’t know why. Maybe it is because I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept having a nasty dream that my Mother in law didn’t really die that it was all a hoax and that she showed up to try to contest the sell of the condo. I don’t know where this is coming from???? My Sister is coming up to visit my Mom this Thursday for a few days. I will be in the city at that time. My Mom keeps telling me about it. Okay?? I don’t care! Maybe it is just to get me upset. I would think she would be more centered on keeping a relationship with her as they just reunited recently as my Sister hadn’t talked to her for 2 1/2 years. I think I am still reeling emotionally from her actions. I am having a hard time talking and relating to her. I will have to find a way to deal.
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Well, I am home alone and resting. My Daughter and Grandson left a few hours ago. I had a busy day running after my Grandson while he was on his razor/scooter. I am buying training wheels for his new bike while I am in the city this week as he is having trouble balancing himself. He won’t need them long!! I am going to buy me a bike also, not anything fancy. Then we can go biking together. The appraisal came back on the house and it appraised for more than the selling price. I received the buyers loan status report today and everything is fine. In fact, we should be closing soon. The paralegal from my lawyer’s office is going to mail me the updated personal representative papers this week as the title company is requesting them at closing. My Mother came for lunch today and behaved herself. We are going to the gym tomorrow morning but then I am coming home. There are things that I need to tackle around my house. I feel a little drained. Hope everyone had a good day!
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Hi again Lizbeth
I am glad to see you are going to a gym that is wonderful.. good to go and do something that will make you feel good too. Love the time with the grandson and the bike riding. So cute. You both riding together. Nice.
Hope you have a good night and get some rest after your busy dayP
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Thanks P for your post! I did get some sleep and I worked out this morning. My legs (thighs) are always a little stiff after the workout but I feel good. I can’t wait to get my bike, maybe next weekend. It has been over 20 years since I have rode a bike. This is going to be interesting. I was looking at this Sunday’s church service message (online) and I am making it a point to attend this Sunday. It’s time to take the plunge! If I don’t care for it there are a lot of churches to attend. I keep making excuses in my head for not going. I think I need to work on my spiritual growth. My Cousin and I have been texting each other since we reunited on my California trip with my Mom. She is coming to visit me in June and I am making plans for a road trip for us. I am looking forward to it!! I had another light bulb moment this morning. I finally get it that my Mother isn’t there for me emotionally and never will be. I have to accept her and our relationship for what it is. It will never be what I want it to be. I am learning to set up more boundaries with her and walk away before I get caught up in the negative and hurtful words and thoughts that come from her mouth. My Grandson, Daughter, and I took a walk this last weekend when they were here and stopped by her house. She had just talked to my Sister and wanted to fill us in on all of her drama. I got up and took my Grandson outside and we sat on the deck waiting for my Daughter. She told me later that she was disturbed on how my Mother her Grandmother delighted in telling my Sister’s problems. I told her that I wasn’t going to listen to it again and that my Grandson who is very sensitive doesn’t need to be hearing all of that gossip. I did feel for my Sister as her youngest son is having another child with someone who is real toxic and a alcoholic. He already has 2 other children with 2 other women whom he pays child support for (and which he should) but has no contact with them. But he is a adult making poor decisions with his life. It still must be heartbreaking for my Sister but she has no control of his actions. My Mom always takes the negative side of everything. She never looks for the positives. But looking back, she has always been like this. Maybe since I am making changes in my life, I am more in tune with it now. I am staying home the rest of the day to do some cleaning and just relax. I hope everyone has a great gamble free day!!!
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Dear (((Liz)))! It’s so good to see that you are actively engaged in developing a full life for yourself, which I find to be the biggest challenge for anybody that has any kind of addiction. My life is kind of boring as I don’t accomplish much day after day, and I don’t seem to have the motivation to change that. One of my issues is that I don’t like going out after dark, which is what it is like here all winter, around 4 or 5 pm. I only like to socialize with friends occasionally. My 20 year old granddaughter is now living with me and she has 2 more months of university left this year. She was having interpersonal problems with a male roommate which were ongoing, so I suggested she move in with me and live rent free. We try and give each other space. She is dating a doctor in his residency, and he is working in Calgary for 3 weeks so she took the bus to go visit him. He lives in Edmonton so they have been seeing each other a lot since they met. I took my two little grandgirls to see the Lego Movie. They seemed to enjoy it, but I fell asleep because I thought the movie was boring. My mother seems to be improving very slowly. She is using a walker in her suite as she is very afraid of falling again. I call her more frequently now to see how she is. I know she really appreciated all I did for her while she was hospitalized. I haven’t had a good relationship with her for most of my life as she was not a good mother, and we were estranged for approximately 20 years where I had no contact with her. I have boundaries with her, and she knows that I will not tolerate any unsupportive or derogatory talk. That’s interesting that your mother would bring over a cake like nothing ever happened. That was the way Danny’s parents were: never acknowledging or apologizing for their awful behaviors, and choosing to sweep it under the rug, rather than admit they behaved badly. I’m not like that so it was hard for me to accept that. It doesn’t sound like your mother is the apologizing type, nor is there much hope that at her age, she is going to change. Maybe do what I do with Danny- I send him home when he behaves in a way I don’t like. Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post. I am trying to get my life together and going out of my comfort zone to try to make new friends and do new things. It is hard but most of the time it is good. I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my Husband’s death. I can’t believe that it has been 1 year since that devastating day. I have made a lot of changes and I feel like I have grown a lot. I don’t dwell on his death everyday but yesterday I just wanted to be alone. I was feeling so sad and I missed him so much. I am feeling better today. I am in the city and had my oil changed in the car this morning. I had lunch with my youngest Daughter and I picked up my Grandson from his after school class. We are have Chinese take out for dinner tonight as my Daughter is going to a support group meeting tonight. Tomorrow morning is the ceremony for her 1 year medallion pinning. I am proud of her for staying sober through so many challenges. It is hard work but she is doing it. Tomorrow after school I am taking my Grandson to the dentist for his check up. No big deal! Nothing else going on. I hope you all had a great day!
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The one year medallion ceremony was awesome! My Grandson and I went up with my Daughter and after she spoke, I told her how much I loved her and how proud of her I was. She called me from work afterwards while I was taking my Grandson to school to say how happy she was that I was there with her. And that it meant the world to her and I told her that I felt the same. We have gone full circle in our relationship and it makes me feel so happy. Today has been good and going to the dentist this afternoon will be a breeze. I had the dishwasher overflow and the kitchen floor was full of suds and water!!! My thought as I was mopping up the floor with towels is that now the kitchen floor is clean!!! LOL!!!!
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I’m back home and exhausted! I have learned that the first day I am home from the city I accomplish nothing. LOL!!! My Grandson’s dental visit wasn’t fun! He did well with the x-rays but when it came to the cleaning, he had a meltdown. He detests the taste of the paste they use. After a lot of crying and me coaxing him, the cleaning was done. He has no cavities!! Yeah!!!! My Daughter and Grandson went on a walk for cancer today. They went with friends who have lost family members and friends from cancer. Next year we are going to have tee shirts with my Husband’s picture on them and I will join them. I still am having bouts of sadness about his death. They don’t last long and are coming less and less. It is just hard some days!! I am trying to stay motivated and keeping busy!!!! Have a good day everyone!
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Dear (((Liz)))! You have done so well since your husband was diagnosed with cancer and his subsequent death. You have been a rock to your grandson and your daughters! You have managed to move on and sell your condo and purchase a new home closer to your mother. You have found peace and tranquility away from the city! You have days of sadness related to his death, and you are going to have that for some time still, as his death is recent. It hasn’t even been a year yet!!! By the way folks I saw a recent picture of Liz’s husband and he was very good-looking! I don’t know how I forgot to mention that for so long!!! Carole
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Thanks for the post Carole! My Husband was a very handsome man! It is strange, sometimes I feel like it has been ages since my Husband’s death and at other times it feels like yesterday. At times, I still replay his last day alive in my mind. Most of the time I think of him and remember times in our relationship (almost 30 years) and I think about something we did or some event that happened and it makes me smile. But there are times where I think of his last 2 months of life and all that he went through and I get very sad. It is getting better but it is very hard emotionally. I would give anything to have grown old with him and I am envious of elderly couples who I see holding hands. I wish that could have been us. My Husband always thought that he wouldn’t live past the age of 40. He has a family history of cancer and his Father died of cancer when he was 40 years old. His Mother and one of his Sisters had cancer also. So, he wasn’t shocked when he found out that he had cancer. Both of my Daughter’s told me after his death about how he was so worried about me and how I was going to be after he died. That was him! Even though we had issues in our marriage (who doesn’t), he loved me more than anything and he would have done anything he could for me. I know that I will never find someone who loved me as much as he did. If I ever am in another relationship, it will never be the same as with my Husband. I have grown and made a lot of big decisions on my own since his death and I feel like my life is going in a positive direction. Losing someone is just a difficult thing to go through and even when you have support, you have to go through a lot of the stuff by yourself and sort it out and deal with it. While I was in the city, my youngest Daughter wanted to see the house that I grew up in and that she remembered from her early childhood. We took pictures of it and we talked to a woman who lived next door and her Daughter owns the house and she owns the one next to it. She was very nice and didn’t object to us taking pictures. My Mom owned the house for 36 years and my Grandmother owned the house across the street for years. It brought back a lot of memories!!!! Nothing much on my agenda today. I am going to tackle the last 3 boxes in my Grandson’s room as I want to buy him a captains bed (drawers underneath). I need to start re-painting and doing things around here to make it more homey. Have a great day everyone!!
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Hi Liz
Thanks for your post.. I dont know that there is a time frame for grief and i am sure that a part of you will always miss your hubby for the rest of your life.. you spent so many years together, it is only natural your loss.
Your lucky grandson.. a captains bed. Wow he is going to have lovely memories of you for his life. I just hope you do enough nice things for yourself too.
I am amazed you go to the gym and look after your grandson, supportive to your daughter etc.. and your mum.
I love to hear of your days. I feel so close to everyone here. Though we are far away i feel i know you. Though we have never met. I still feel you are a friend as i do all here.. its wonderful..
Look forward to your next postP
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P, I feel like we are friends also. I would love to meet everyone with whom I have connected to here on GT. Maybe one day we will meet. My Mom called after my Sister left to go home. She asked me to come over and spend some time with her as she missed me. Part of me is always on alert with her as I don’t know which way she will turn. I am reading a awesome book that my Daughter gave to me on meditating and cleansing your mind of past hurts, ect… I spent 2 hours with her this afternoon and there were a couple of times where she went on about my Sister and she was trying to ruffle me and be hurtful. I took it in, let it go, and didn’t react and I turned the conversation around. It worked!!! She let it go and was pleasant. I am learning!!!
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Dear (((Liz)))! My life is such a mess right now, especially compared to how yours is. You have managed your life so well, even though you have had such huge stressors, like the death of your husband. You obviously have a lot of strength and character! I need to get back on track with many areas of my life. Carole
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Carole, I do think that I have dealt well considering that my Husband’s death but there were many days that I laid in bed right after his death and I couldn’t get myself to get up. If I hadn’t had the support of my friends, you in particular, I don’t know what I would have done. Suicide, did cross my mind a few times in the beginning because life was just too painful. Now, I would never think of that. I am being blunt and honest and I hope that I am not offending anyone. I have had several slips with gambling and have moved forward. You have been busy taking care of your Mother and saving a life by donating your stem cells. You will get back on track. I am here for you!!! I worked out this morning and my butt and thigh muscles are screaming!! LOL!!! I ate healthy today also. I am getting my taxes done tomorrow and I have everything I need in a folder. I am thinking that I will probably have to pay taxes. It is what it is!!! I haven’t heard from my realtor or the title company, just waiting for all the loan documents to come in. The 27th of this month was just a rough estimate. We might close a few days later. Just one more thing to cross off my list of things to do. It has been windy all day here. It looks like we might have rain this weekend which is a good things as we have been rain free for 60 days and didn’t have a lot of snow this winter. The main concern is that this town is surrounded by forests and we have a lot of lightning strikes during the summer which cause 90% of our wildfires. I have a emergency bag packed with important documents, medicines, ect.. in case we ever have to evacuate in a hurry. Hopefully that will never happen. Well, I am tired as I didn’t sleep well last night. It is going to be a early night. Take care everyone.
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(((Liz))) I hear you about feeling suicidal when your husband died. I felt the same way when my brother died for a short while as I too didn’t think I could manage the crushing grief. Way to go on healthy eating and exercising! I will probably start walking once the spring weather arrives!! Like many people in Canada, I am sick of the cold winter, but I know that soon I’ll be complaining of how hot it is! Carole
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Thanks for the post Carole! I worked out this morning and my muscles are feeling it. I didn’t eat healthy or exercise regularly last year so it’s time to start. I am just doing the treadmill for 30 mins and the bike for 20 mins. Once I get acclimated to that, I want to use the weight room. It is hard once you past 50 years of age to get your metabolism going again and lose weight. I did gain weight after my Husband’s death. When I am in the city, I walk around the park that is close to my Daughter’s apartment for exercise. I am working on it!!! I had my taxes done today and I have to pay both the federal and state. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. Just another thing to cross off my list for another year. My Mother and Sister did a puzzle (last weekend when she was here) that I had bought my Mother sometime ago. I love it, so we transferred it to a piece of cardboard and I used puzzle glue hold it all together. I bought a frame for it and I am hanging it in my spare bedroom. It is going to look great there!!! Nothing else going on in my life right now. I have 2 more boxes in my Grandson’s room to unpack. I am going to tackle my storage/work shed tomorrow after the gym. I kind of just threw things in there and I need to organize it. I want to buy a chest freezer to put in there as my refrigerator freezer is so small. Also, I can blanch fresh vegetables when they are on sale and store them there. My new place is coming together although there are a lot of things I want to do. I need to repaint the bedrooms and patch nail holes where pictures were hung. They didn’t do a great job on painting, but it isn’t a big deal. I just talked to my realtor and the buyer asked for a extension of 7 days to close. They are waiting for all of the documents to come in for the loan. I told her no problem. I will have to be in the city to sign all the paperwork at the title company when everything is ready. I will probably have to make a extra trip but that’s ok, it will all be over with and I will have a check in hand. Yeah!!! Plus, I will be able to save the money spent on the condo monthly. I am determined to put that into savings. That is my goal!!!!
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I am getting ready to go to the gym. My realtor is coming over today with the 7 day extension paper for me to sign. I received a email from my insurance (car and condo) agent last night directed towards my Husband and asking for information that I have provided to them on several occasions. The insurance is supposed to be in my name as I faxed a paper to change it to them 2 weeks ago. I responded to the email stating I am confused to why they want to keep directing questions to a deceased person and why they want information that has been given to them several times. I told the agent that it is painful for them to keep asking to talk to my Husband when they have been supplied with a death certificate. I have even gone to the office in the city and been face to face with this person. Once the condo is sold and I stop the insurance, I will find new car insurance also. I have been with the same company for years but since my Husband’s death it has just been a circus!!! I don’t understand. It is rude and disrespectful.
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(((Liz))) You’re no slouch if you can do 50 minutes of exercise at the gym! That’s amazing for anyone, but especially for you, as you had a heart attack. Sorry that the insurance company can’t get its act together and stop phoning for your husband. When I worked for the federal government we used to call our clients and do reviews over the phone. I called an elderly lady and asked to speak to her husband only to be informed that he had died. I felt so horrible but the widow had not informed us of his death so I had no way of knowing. There is no excuse that the insurance company keeps doing this to you. I remember someone telling me that it was a shot in the heart when they would receive mail addressed to their loved one who had died.It’s going to take you time before you can get your house and yard to a condition where everything is at a point where you’re satisfied. That’s what home ownership is all about! Good to hear that your tax bill isn’t going to be as much as you dreaded. That’s always great news!! I want to come see your new digs, but my life is up in the air right now, and hopefully I’ll be working in the near future. Carole
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Carole, You are welcomed at my place anytime! I worked out this morning and the realtor came by for me sign the extension paper. So, we will close by the 7th of March maybe sooner. I went to a clothing store with my Mom and bought 2 shirts. We went and had a salad for lunch. I received a email from my insurance agent apologizing to me. It seemed heartfelt so I calmed down. I am still changing insurances after the condo closes. Yes, it is going to take me time to get my home (inside) and the outside looking the way I want. I have been working on the storage/workshop shed. Just a little more to do. Tomorrow I am going to the city for 2 days. The new personal representative letters are back and waiting for me at the lawyer’s office. I will swing by there tomorrow and pick them up. My Grandson is coming home with me for the weekend. We will leave Friday after school is out. I went to the store and picked up the things he likes to eat. It is supposed to rain all weekend, but if it doesn’t we will spend some time outdoors. Take care everyone!
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Hello Liz,
I am new to this forum, this is my first post and I am replying to your thread of posts because I read through all of them and it is truly amazing all you have gone through and accomplished! This past year was terribly hard for me, my dad had a heart attack a month later my older brother was killed in a truck accident and his wife (my sis in law) who had terminal leukemia came to live with us so I could take care of her. She passed away on the 10th of Feb. this month! In between and for the past 5 years I have been a compulsive gambler, trying to quit- I have quit off and on and even went to see a therapist who specializes in eye movement therapy- but I have always returned to gamble. Your posts are upbeat, about what you do every day to keep from thinking of gambling and it inspires me!! Thank you- I hope I can continue to read more from you. -
Well its just me popping in again for a chat! That grandson is just so lucky and so are his parents to have you.. I just love hearing of your adventures.. you have inspired me to start exercising and though that inspiration at this moment is just in the thought process it is there, the cogs are turning hehe. something is moving even if it is only in my brain right now.
Enjoy the time with your grandson this weekend. Hope you do something nice for you too. What is your favourite food? I always love knowing this about people.. it might sound strange but i always ask people what they like to eat probably because i love my food… see you soon LizP
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Thanks Peacegirl and P for your posts!! Peacegirl, you have gone through a lot with the death of your Brother and Sister in law and your Father’s health issues. I am glad that you are here. You will find a lot of support!! Stay with us and keep posting. P, you are always so sweet. I hope to have a good weekend with my Grandson. I love Mexican food, it is my downfall. LOL!!! I am in the city for 2 days. I signed a 7 day extension yesterday for the close on the condo but received a call from the title company later saying that we are going to close this Friday. Yea!!! When I arrived today, I went by the lawyer’s office and picked up the new personal representative papers I need for closing, went by the condo to leave the mailbox keys and to say good bye for the last time. I am going to the title company tomorrow after I drop my Grandson off at school to sign the final papers on the condo. It was sad to say the final goodbye but like I have said before, my new home feels like home now. After school is out, we are going to my place for the weekend. We are expecting rain all weekend, if not, we will be going on walks and enjoying the outdoors. I am planning a trip to Sante Fe, New Mexico for my Daughter, Grandson, and I next month. It is so beautiful there. (It is spring break for my Grandson) Just a little trip to get away for a few days.
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This morning I signed the final paper to close on the condo. That part of my journey is over with. I have a friend who lives in the condos and with whom I have lunch with every month, so I will still be able to see the community. The city isn’t for me anymore. Too much traffic and people rushing about. Today after school, my Grandson and I will be going to my place for the weekend as my Daughter is working on a big project for work. In the aftermath of reducing the workforce and cutting hours at her employment, she has landed 2 huge accounts for the company and is working her butt off. She was drained by the time I got here yesterday. I took over so she could get some sleep and re-group as she was stressing out (stomach problems). She was in a much better mood this morning. I am doing some laundry, ect…so she doesn’t have to deal with that and she can concentrate on her work business. The woman at the title company was very nice and personable. She lost her Father last year to cancer and she talked to me about it and I talked to her about losing my Husband. It is good to be able to talk about it now without falling to pieces. I am looking into things for us to do in Sante Fe. They have a huge Folklore Museum and Children’s Museum that I think that we would all enjoy. There is a lot to experience there. I asked my Daughter and Grandson to come with me as we all need to just get away and de-stress and explore some place new!!! I am excited! I am going to be able to tuck away my proceeds from the sell of the condo and not touch it. If I was gambling and had that money it would be a disaster!!! I respect my money now and I realize how my Husband had to work hard for everything that he left me. Taking trips, ect…is something that I will have memories of not blowing it at a casino!!! I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when my Daughter commented on how I look like I have lost some weight. I think it is more that I have lost a few inches around my waist area. I am working hard on it and this time I feel like I have really mentally committed myself on exercising and eating right. Just another page of my journey! Sometimes it takes me awhile to get it right!!!! Have a great day everyone!!
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I awoke this morning to the sound of rain. Yeah!! My trees and plants and the surrounding forest is getting water. We really need it!!! My sweet Grandson is still sleeping!! He was going to try to stay up all night, so we were camping out in the living room. Somewhere along the way, I fell asleep for 1 hour. When I woke up he was in my room in bed asleep. LOL!!! Nothing really going on today. I am going to hang out with my Grandson and I am having my Mother over for dinner (meatloaf) . We might make a trip to Walmart for a few things and maybe pick up a new video game to play. I hope that everyone has a good gamble free day!!
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Bettie, thanks for the post. It rain most of yesterday and it still looks like rain. It was nice, just a steady rain. I know my trees and plants are loving it!! I am leaving for the city to take my Grandson home a little earlier than planned. His Dad called yesterday and a co worker gave him 2 tickets to Nascar for today. My Grandson is excited to go and his Dad’s friend also has a son so he will have someone to hang out with. Dinner last night was good and my Mom came over and ate and we talked. She and I will never be on the same page, but that’s the way it is and it isn’t going to change. I am going to have a busy month as my Daughter and her best friend are going to be training for 1 week, north of where I live for their mountain climbing trip to Peru this summer. I will come to the city and take care of my Grandson for that week as he has school, baseball, karate, ect… The next week will be spring break for him and towards the end of that week we are going to explore Sante Fe. In April, I have invited my Daughter for a weekend at a spa. My Grandson will stay at his Dad’s. It will be nice and relaxing, adult time. I am looking forward to it!! Well, got to go and make some breakfast for the little one as he should be getting up soon. Have a awesome day everyone!!
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I went to the gym this morning and the treadmill and bike are getting easier for me, so I sped up the treadmill and raised the incline. I can still feel my muscles working. I am going to start working out in the weight room soon. I need to tone up!!! I had lunch with my Mom. I am in for the night and plan to have leftover meatloaf and asparagus for dinner. My Grandson got car sick on the way home yesterday, (a first). He told me that his stomach gets a little upset when he rides in a car for awhile. I was worried that he was coming down with something but my Daughter said that he was feeling fine this morning and went to school. I know there are medicines for older children and adults to take for motion sickness but I need to find something for him as I plan for us to take a few road trips this year. Maybe I can find a natural remedy. So, if anyone knows of something we could use please tell me. Nothing else going on here. Hopefully there will be something good on TV or maybe I can read. I have been having gambling thoughts the last few days. Why? I don’t know! I have tons of things to keep me busy here, so that is what I am focusing on. Gambling would be a disaster for me as I now have enough money to do some traveling and I want to explore places that I haven’t seen. There is so much of the United States that I have never seen. I am taking it one day at a time!!!!
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Hi ((Liz )) – Thanks for your post on my thread – always so good to hear from you. I think my life is going on much the same as before but I am viewing it differently and feeling better. I just finished reading a book called You Can Heal Your Life – it is helping me get to the root causes of why I gambled, and teaching me a healthier way to view things mentally.
I have started exercising almost every day and started eating healthier too. And it does help my moods for sure.
Good luck with your move and settling into your new home – it is exciting to explore a new area.
I hope you get the appointment as executor and can finally get the estate settled. One less thing to deal with.
I really admire the way you have coped through the illness and loss of your husband. Good for you for staying in recovery and staying positive. Your strength has been an inspiration for me. I hope you have a great gamble free day.
reds -
Reds, thank you for your post!! I am always happy to hear how you are doing!!! I received a frantic call from my Daughter this afternoon. My Grandson was vomiting through the night and didn’t go to school today. My Daughter worked from home but needs to go to work tomorrow for a client meeting. She sounded exhausted. So, I am in the city and we washed all of her bedding, ect… Everyone is resting now and everything is good. I officially closed on the condo today. The title company was waiting for some paperwork and finally received it. My proceeds were wired into my savings account. Awesome!!! I have planned and paid for the spa getaway in April. I haven’t had any gambling thoughts today. I am keeping busy. I brought all my empty boxes to my Daughter’s today for her move the end of July!!! Nothing else going on. I hope everyone had a great gamble free day.
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It’s a beautiful morning here. Everyone had a good nights sleep and my Grandson woke feeling much better. He ate a little breakfast and wanted to go to school. My Daughter was apologetic about asking me to come here early. I told her that it was alright as I could spend more time with her and my Grandson and that I would do some things to help her out around the apartment while she was at work. My Grandson is so wise for his age. He told his Mom and I that he was so happy that we are getting along better and that we enjoy being together now. He said that we really have worked on it. He said that it made him feel happy too!!! How smart is that!!! It touched my heart! My youngest Daughter’s birthday is soon so tomorrow we are going out for lunch!!! Then later tomorrow my oldest Daughter and I are doing some window shopping as my shopping is limited where I live. Well, I am going to finish up some laundry. I hope that everyone has a happy, gamble free day. Take care.
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Liz it is always wonderful to read your posts as they are so positive. Your grandson sounds like one smart cookie!!! If I was to describe the feeling that I get from your posts, it’s like there is a lightness to you in them. You are looking at all the positive things. You have done so much in this last year it truly is remarkable how far you have come. I don’t mean to take away from what you have gone through, but it’s like you have survived. I know that you will still have sad times grieving for your husband, but you are moving forward and living your life. You are doing things for you such as joining the gym. I know that you mentioned finding a church to go to, but not sure if you have done that yet. It seems that you are living your life and doing things and trying things and generally making a new life for yourself. You really are an incredible person to have come through all this and have such a positive attitude. I admire you Liz. Have an incredible day. I learn so much by reading your posts and for that I thank you.
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Thank you Cat for your kind post! I want to live a positive life. I took so much for granted till my Husband died. I watched him fight for his life. I wondered, does he have any regrets, things that he would change? We never talked much about it as he was a quiet man who kept a lot to himself. I know that he didn’t do everything he wanted to do. I decided that I will experience things, places, and do my best to stay positive. Cat, I haven’t joined a church yet. I did go to church one Sunday in my new town. I am not sure if it is for me but there are many to choose from. I need to keep trying. I would like to go to one that does things for the community. My Grandson didn’t make it through the day at school yesterday. I picked him up early as his tummy wasn’t feeling well. I was sick all day yesterday. I am feeling a little better today. I slept well last night. I think it is just a virus which has to run its course. I am supposed to have lunch with my youngest Daughter today. I need to do that as I don’t see her often. She isn’t making the best choices with her life right now. I call her often and see her when I am in the city but our relationship isn’t the best right now. She knows that I am here for her and will support her in anyway I can. It is a hard place to be. I can only hope and pray that she decides to get professional help. Well, I need to jump into the shower before everyone wakes up. Have a great day everyone!
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Well, last night was a back slide for my oldest Daughter and I. We ended up in a heated disagreement and in front of my Grandson, which I totally feel like a AXX about!!! I wasn’t feeling well and she was tired, no excuse, but I could see it coming to that and I should have just left. I told her that I would go to a hotel and come back in the morning to take my Grandson to school and that’s when she and I started talking calmly and were able to agree to disagree. I apologized deeply to my Grandson who had become quiet upset by then. I told my Daughter that I could see old, bad habits surfacing again in the way we talk to each other and I didn’t want to go there again as it serves no purpose. Things were better this morning!!! I had my yearly mammogram this morning and a few errands that I had to take care of. I am so careful with my health since my heart attack and I make sure to get all of my yearly tests and physical done. I am relaxing now till I pick my Grandson up from school and then this evening, I will be going back home. Next Thursday when I come down I will be staying for 8 days as my Daughter and her friend are training in another town, 150 miles from here, mountain climbing and hiking for their Peru trip. The following week is my Grandsons spring break and then our Santa Fe trip. Most of that week will be spent with me except for his baseball game days. I am feeling much better today, just a little tired. I am hopeful that my Daughter and I will be able to move forward from here and learn that we need to be respectful of each other. It is hard coming into her house and she want’s me to help but I have to watch overstepping my boundaries as she feels like I am taking over. I need to find a good balance. I am trying.
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I am back home now for 5 days. I left on good terms with my Daughter and she called me to make sure that I got home alright and told me how much she loved me!!! We are making progress even though we had some problems yesterday. Even though my Grandson was upset at the time, he saw that we work it out and were able to continue on!! Oh, when I came home today I stopped by my Mothers. She asked if she could borrow $200. Of course I said yes but wondered why she was broke as she just received her check on the 1st. She proceeded to tell me that she went to the casino yesterday and blew a lot of money. I was upset. She doesn’t want to believe she has as problem and when I have tried to talk to her about my gambling addiction she doesn’t want to hear about it as you don’t talk about problems like that. Well, I will give her the $200 this time. She could tell by my face and loss of words that I was troubled by the whole thing. I am not going to sucked into her gambling issues. Now, if she wanted help then I would help her with going to GA meetings, ect… I am not going to enable her from this point forward. Wow, this is mind boggling for me!!!
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When I look back Liz I believe that my brother that passed in 2002 was also a cg. It didn’t strike me at the time but his daily lottery play came before food and rent-as a matter of fact he lost his trailer mone because he didn’t pay his lot rent on time. I had him, his wife and both girls living with me for a couple months until my folks bailed him out and he moved near them. Life is funny as I never made that connection that lottery players can be cg too.
My daughter still plays Bingo and scratch off tickets. She does it behind my back as I have confronted her about it after finding all those scratchoffs when she moved from her apartment.
Makes me wonder…..
bettie -
Bettie, My Mother is a cg. When I was younger and living close to her with my family, she and I would go to bingo all the time. She is the one who introduced me to Las Vegas. She refuses to talk about being addicted to gambling because she doesn’t want to deal with it and find the underlying reasons why she is a addict. It’s a cop out! I am going to talk to her once more about the situation. I gave her the $200, but I am going to tell her that I won’t give her any more money to gamble with. I will help her out otherwise but not enable her. I spent part of the morning in the emergency room with her as the cotton tip of a QTIP was lodged in her ear canal. I couldn’t get it out with tweezers and I didn’t want to push it further down the canal. The doctor got it out and told her not to put a QTIP in her ear again.??? I don’t know???? Anyways, I slept horribly last night and we had made plans to have lunch together. So I made a salad and steamed some asparagus, she is supposed to bake some chicken. I think I am going to have a nap later. One of my friends just text me saying she was thinking of me as my Husband’s 1 year death anniversary is coming up on the 12th. It has been a hard year but some really amazing things have happened to me. It is a lot to reflect on. Take care everyone.
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Well, I had a nice lunch and a long walk with my Mother. She is never going to admit that she is a cg. In fact, my cousin is supposed to be coming here for a few days from the city, the one who was here last month. My Mom says they are going to the casino when she is here visiting. She has to be getting money off of her credit cards. Wow, I remember how I maxed out many credit cards and what a terrible mess I put myself and Husband in. My Mom is not going to admit that she is a cg. It took me a long time to admit that. But every time I have on something new or a new pair of shoes she comments on how I spend my money. I’d rather be able to buy myself something than to blow the money at the casino. She has been going on about my Sister since her last visit, last month. I am not ready to try to reconcile with her yet. I know that I will be the one to reach out as she never will. It will be 1 year in a few days since we have talked. I forgive her for the mean things she said and the disrespect that she showed after my Husband died but I won’t forget. Our relationship hadn’t been good for a long time. I hope one day to reach out to her and start a new relationship as life is too short!!! Hospice sent me a beautiful card today recognizing the almost 1 year mark of my Husband’s death. It was comforting. Sometimes, I feel like I am alone when I am at my new house as my Mom and my relationship is so superficial. I am overly tired today so maybe that is why I am feeling a little down. I am going to stay home tomorrow and clean and do laundry and putter around the house. Maybe I will go for a walk.
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Today is the 1 year anniversary of my Husband’s death. My Daughter called this morning to see if I was alright and to tell me that she was here for me. I am ok. I miss him. We were together for 30 years and he knew me better than anyone else. Even though we had our own issues (who doesn’t) he was my best friend and we talked about everything. I miss that. I miss the way he made me laugh. He was always the prankster and loved to play tricks on others. He will forever be in my heart. I have all the memories stored away. It was a honor to hold his hand while he took his final breaths. I know that he has help guide me along my new life path and is always with me. That is a comfort!!!
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I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today. It is wonderful to see that you are focusing on the happy memories that you have of your husband. 30 years is a long time to be with someone and to be on your own is such an adjustment, and you are doing everything with such strength and dignity. I know that I complain about my husband, and no marriage is perfect, but I also know that I would be lonely and miss him if he was not here. You have achieved so much in the year Liz, and it has not been easy for you, but you got through it one day at a time. I thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings throughout the year as we all benefit from them. It sounds as if your husband had a good sense of humour if he was a prankster. Think of something funny he did and treasure the memory.
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Thanks Cat for your thoughtful post. I have made it through most of the day even though I had a rough start this morning. The tears kept coming and I just cried until I couldn’t anymore. I have been sick the last 3 days with a stomach virus and today I finally was feeling better physically. I took my Mother to lunch, which probably wasn’t a good idea since I was feeling so vulnerable and emotional. I told her I was having a hard day and why and she never said anything back to me. Like she didn’t give a shxx!!! Then she proceeded to go on about how my Sister is having such a rough time because she broke up with her boyfriend and her oldest son is in trouble again. I was crushed!!! I don’t know why I think that I am going to get something from my Mother that she can’t give to me!!! I then asked her if she still missed her Husband, my step-father, who has been dead almost 8 years. She said she was mad at him for not taking care of himself. Oh boy, I dropped her off after lunch and came home. Enough of that story!!! I have been reflecting on memories of my Husband. I feel like I have been blessed to have had him in my life and I know that he has watched over me from heaven. I think that he is happy for me and all of the changes that I have made. I will never forget him.
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Liz, you have survived another tough day in the grieving process, and that is the Anniversary of your husband’s death. It may always be a sad day for you for years, but that’s okay. I know that it took me years to get over the loss of my mother, and as the anniversary date of her passing approached I found myself getting down. I know that my Mum would not have wanted me to be so sad, but at the time I was so wrapped up in my grief. It is over 20 years since she passed, but I always think of her that day. She was only 61 and that is how old I am now, well for another month LOL It is difficult when our loved ones are taken away too young.
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Thanks Ican and Cat for your posts. Your thoughts are comforting. I made it through yesterday. I had a phone call from my Grandson and it was awesome. He told me that he was sad too but that we should think of the good memories and times we had with Papa!!! I am off to the city soon for 8 days. I am feeling better emotionally and physically. I finally had a good nights sleep. I had a dream that my Grandson, Husband and I were swimming in a beautiful blue pool. It look like we were at a resort. No one ever said anything. We just looked happy and were swimming. It was awesome and calming.
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Well Liz I can relate. I think our mom’s are sisters as no matter the issue I try to explain to her she has a need to one up me-even if she has to make the story up! We had my neices birthday last Sunday and my brothers friend came over. The poor guy-she just went on and on about nothing, dominating the conversation until the poor guy left! It’s a shame that I avoid spending any time with her-I just can’t take it. God commands we love one another-He didn’t say anything about liking them!
bettie -
Dear (((Liz)))! Please forgive me for not acknowledging your husband’s first year death anniversary. You made it through that first year brilliantly. You are like the phoenix that rises from the ashes. You do seem to be much busier since you moved from the city, with helping out your daughter and being Grandma to your grandson. Way to go on selling your condo!! One less thing to concern yourself with. Your Mom is a cg?? Who would have guessed? Now maybe there is a partial explanation as to why she doesn’t like herself and tries to bring others down to her unhappiness level. I have not been posting due to the ups and downs in my relationship with Danny, and the confusion it has created for me. Danny finally heard from his employer about the unprofessional behavior he exhibited. He is unwelcome to return to both job sites, which means that the only possible job he may have with this company is in Edmonton working on new policies and procedures. There will be no overtime, no hardship pay as he is no longer working up north, so it will be a huge drop in pay for him. He is aware that he cannot stay with me if he is working in Edmonton. He wants me to move back to the country so that I can clean and manage the renters’ house, citing that I will make more money doing that than I will in a job in my field. I had a job interview yesterday and was told that they had been interviewing this week, and that they will make a decision next week as to who they bring back for a second interview with the Executive Director. I interviewed well though I was a bit nervous. I seem to have lost some of my confidence when it comes to interviewing. Hope you’re having a good day today Liz!! Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post. It is just sad to see all my Aunts and Uncles passing away. I have only the 1 Aunt left and she is 91 years old. Her Husband is the one who passed and I don’t think it will be long till she follows him. This was both of their 2nd marriages and they were married for 61 years. She told my Mom and I last summer that she wanted them to die together. That whole generation of our family is almost gone. At some time my Mother will be the only one left. I hope I get to live a long life as my Grandmother lived to the age 96 and she was with it till 4 years before she died. But as we know, life goes on. My Uncle lived a long and happy life!!!! I am so happy that I saw both of them last year. It was meant to be.
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That’s the thing (((Liz))) is when our parents, aunts and uncles pass on, then it moves us to the front of the line in terms of our generation passing on as well. It’s good that your mother visited with them last year. The Aunt that is 91 years old is your mother’s sister, right? Any plans to take your mother to see her again? Carole
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Hi Liz
I am sorry to hear of your aunty passing.. it is hard. Good that you are spending all this time with your grandson. I hope that you are doing things for you too.. some nice treats for yourself, as you are always caring for someone else so i hope you pass that same care to yourself.
Congratulations on your gamble free journey and your beautiful attitude through the one year since your husbands passing. I think you have done amazingly well. I am often inspired by your days.P
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Thanks Carole and P for your posts. My 91 year old Aunt is my Mother’s Sister. That is her last living sibling. I asked her if she wanted to fly out for the funeral so she could be with her Sister and she told me no. Carole, it took me over 5 years to get my Mother to go see her Sister last year. She will never go again. I can’t get her to take any little trips with me as I have asked her repeatedly. Last year we went on 2 trips, one to see her Sister and I took her on a 3 day spa trip. She has no interest in going anywhere. Yes, they are the last of their generation. My Mother is the youngest and there is 15 years between her sister and herself. I have tons of 1st cousins whom are all older than myself. My Sister and I are the youngest. It is sad to see them all go. P, I treated myself to a mani/pedi today and some new hiking boots. My Daughter leaves tomorrow morning for 4 days, so my Grandson and I will be on our own. It is hard staying here for any length of time as her apartment is so small, so I needed to get out for awhile today. She does have a back patio and the weather is great here, so I sit outside and read. It is manageable and I love being with them. I have plans this week to have lunch with a friend while my Grandson is in school. We have some catching up to do. Well, nothing else is going on. We are going to grill some chicken and steaks this evening. My Grandson had his baseball pictures taken this morning. I can’t wait to see them. Take care everyone. I am so amazed that I am not thinking about gambling. There have been some stressful and tense times for me lately and I haven’t fell back on bad habits. My coping skills are getting better. There are still a lot of things in my life that I need to work on and I am committed on doing that. Have a great day everyone!
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Yesterday my Daughter left for her trip. She will be back late Wednesday evening. My Grandson and I went to a amusement park and played. He rode rides and we played a lot in the arcade. 6 hours later we left and went to his favorite burger place and had dinner. Needless to say, he was out once he had a bath. He has karate camp after school today, so I won’t pick him up till 5:30pm. I have been keeping myself busy cleaning the stove, fridge, and pantry. Now, I am doing some laundry and the dishwasher is going. I am surrounded by casinos in the city. I did have a fleeting thought of going for a few hours while he was in school. How crazy is that??? I don’t know where that came from?? So, I decided to keep myself busy and help my Daughter out!! It is strange that the thoughts and urges to gamble can just come out of the blue and entice you. I won’t go there today!!!
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Well, today is just flying by! My Grandson didn’t want to go to school. I think he wanted to stay home with Nana. I made him go but it was hard looking at that beautiful face with a pout on it!!! I had my car cleaned and did a little grocery shopping. Tonight there is a baseball game! So, I have his baseball uniform and equipment ready to go. He is really into this and it is his 3rd season of playing. He has a regular mitt and a catcher’s mitt. He loves to play the catcher’s position but they rotate everyone so they play all positions. He has his own bat and batting helmet also!!!! I am going home Thursday afternoon after the nurse (life insurance) comes out to take blood and urine from me. I will be home for 4 days and then come back to get my Grandson since next week is his spring break. A week from this Friday, we will be on our road trip to Santa Fe!! I am looking forward to it!! I send a plant to my Aunt (whose Husband recently passed). My Mother and Sister wanted to be included on the card and purchase. His funeral isn’t until the 28th as his youngest Daughter is out of the country till then. My cousin (his Daughter) lives with my Aunt and helps take care of her. My Cousin is visiting me in June for 10 days. She told me today that her Mom has been just lying in bed since her Husband’s death. I don’t think she will be around long as they spent the last 61 years together. It is sad but they have both lived long lives and how many people can say that they have been married for 61 years?? I haven’t had any gambling thoughts today. Yeah!!! Well, I better go and get some things accomplished around here before I pick my Grandson up from school. Have a awesome, gamble-free day everyone!!!
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Well, my Grandson’s baseball team won last night!! I went to breakfast with a dear friend this morning. She is 80 years old and just the nicest person you would ever want to meet. My Daughter will be back around 730pm tonight. I have some down time as my Grandson goes to karate camp after school today. I think we will pick up some dinner on the way home after camp. I am going home around 2pm tomorrow after the nurse gets blood, ect. for the life insurance quote. I will return on Sunday to get my Grandson as next week is his spring break and towards the end of the week our road trip. I am tired today as I didn’t sleep well last night. Umm, maybe a small nap!!! Take care everyone and have a gamble free day.
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Hi Liz, I love reading your posts and hearing what you are up to in life in general. You are living a life with purpose, in that you are doing things you want to do. Having breakfast with a dear friend, enjoying being involved in your Grandson’s life, planning a road trip to the spa. It is wonderful to see such positive posts by you. You are finding joy in life and it does not have to be in big things you are doing, just small things like breakfast with a friend, but living in the now. You can tell by your posts that you are taking life and are enjoying whatever you decide to do. You sound very content in your posts. Have a wonderful gamble free day, and a safe trip home!!!
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Thanks Cat for your post! I went to my Grandson’s field day at his school this morning! It was fun watching all the kids having fun!! I am off to my place later this afternoon as I have to wait for the nurse to come and take my blood (1:30pm). It is a inconvenience but very important. I know having the life insurance my Husband left me helped me so much financially and took that pressure off of me. I want my 2 Daughters and Grandson to have some financial security when I am gone. I am home till Sunday and then back in the city in the late afternoon to spend the night. My Daughter and Grandson are going camping this weekend. My Grandson and I will take off for my place, Monday as it will be his spring break next week. I need to prepare some stuff for our trip to Santa Fe the following Friday. My morning didn’t start off so well. My Grandson was misbehaving and not listening and my Daughter blew it off and didn’t address it. I wasn’t too happy as it should of been address. He listen to me the whole time she was gone and Grandma doesn’t play like that. My Daughter apologized for being argumentative with me via a text. She needs to parent him the way she feels fit but he will listen to me when he is with me. Anyways, that is over and I am ready to go home. Got to go as I need to pack all my stuff up!!! Have a great gamble free day everyone!!
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I am home!! I stopped to see my Mother when I got into town. She acted like she was genuinely glad to see me. We are going to work out tomorrow morning. Let’s see how that goes as I haven’t worked out for a week. I am going to make a trip to Home Depot this weekend as I need to get stuff to feed my rose bushes and fruit tree, plus get some other things for my minor house repairs. I will have everything at hand next week while my Grandson is here as I plan on working on my yard. I also need to do some grocery shopping. It is good to be home if only for a few days. I had a ton of mail to go through and some bills to pay. There are houses for sale all over my neighborhood. When I was looking there were only 5 houses for sale. Now there has to be 15. I wonder what is going on?? I know it is hard to make a living here and almost impossible to have your own business and survive. Anyways, I wouldn’t trade my home as it suits me just fine. Well, it’s been a long day. I hope everyone had a great day!
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Hi again Liz
I cannot believe how much you do, you never seem to stop! There is always something you have been up to. I had an idea to do some exercise, i have started i just haven’t dont it regularly hehe… i am a bit unwell today but i will look at getting back to it when feeling better.
I am hoping that you have a great time with that grandson of yours for the holidays.. what a lucky boy.P
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Thanks P for your post. I hope you are feeling better today! I am leaving this afternoon for the city. I will only be there for the night and then my Grandson and I will come back to my place. I had a busy day yesterday. I spent about 3 hours at Home Depot buying plant feed, outside tools, and I bought a new gas grill and a chest freezer which will be delivered on Thursday. I came home and unloaded everything and then did some grocery shopping for my Grandson and I. Oh, I bought the cutest bird house/feeder. I am going to let my Grandson fill it with bird feed and then we will hang in together in the backyard. My Mother asked me the strangest question yesterday. How does it feel to be able to buy whatever you want? I am not rich by any means and I can’t buy anything I want. I told her that in the beginning I felt guilty as the money came from benefits stemming from my Husbands death. Now, I feel like it’s alright to buy things as I know that he wanted me to not have to worry financially and he would want me to be happy! I don’t spend foolishly but I do have the luxury of being able to take trips and to live comfortably not lavishly. I am not a materialist person. Her comment was rude and I felt myself trying to defend my actions. I would give everything back if my Husband was still alive!!!! He worried about how I would be after his death and voiced this to both of our Daughters. It was just very uncomfortable!! I have bought her things and done special things for her because she is on a fixed income. I just was taken aback. Anyways, I am doing some laundry and cleaning up a little before I leave. Sometimes I feel very alone. I think that things are going good and getting better with my Mother and she says mean things. I told her that I was feeling like at some point this year that I am going to reach out to my Sister. She told me it wasn’t time as my Sister didn’t want anything to do right now with my Daughter and myself and not to think that I am getting a apology. I know my Sister isn’t going to apologize and I wasn’t expecting one. I also know that my Sister and I haven’t had a healthy relationship in years and that I would have to put aside a lot of baggage and try to have some type of relationship with her. My motto is, life is short. I don’t want to have to communicate with her when it is because of a tragedy, example, death of another family member. So, I need to think about my Sister and for now I will not make any contact. I need to think things over and decide what is the best for me to do. It’s sad!!! Well, sorry about the rambling. Good thing is that I haven’t gambled. I worked out Friday and walked on the treadmill for 30 mins. I could feel the burn!!!! Have a great day everyone.
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Liz, I can relate to the comment your mother made. We bought my parent’s cottage/house to help them out financially. Shortly afterward, the housing market skyrocketed, especially lakefront property. My mom asked me how it felt to be millionaires. It was then that I realized that she resented the fact that we owned her house, and she wasn’t grateful at all that we were trying to help them out. First of all, we weren’t millionaires and secondly, we all know what happened to the housing market shortly after that! lol things went south for us, too. My husband lost his job, and we continued to make payments on their house, even though we couldn’t afford it. I know I’ve shared this story before. The point I wanted to make is that after I came to this realization about my mom, our relationship changed. I used to tell her about our trips and the good things that were happening in our lives. I kind of wondered if she was happy for me, and I didn’t want to rub in the fact that things were going well for us. I honestly thought she was jealous of me, so I kept the good things to myself. She should have been happy for me. Things have really changed for my husband and I. But, no matter what happens in our lives, I want my children to be happy. I will cry with them if they are sad. But, I want the very best that life has to offer them. I want them to tell me all about all the good stuff, and I will celebrate it all right along with them, no matter what is going on in my own life. I realize now that I felt guilty that my mother wasn’t happy. I also realize now that it wasn’t my issue; it was hers. I also realize that I can be happy no matter what. The decision is mine. You deserve all the good stuff, Liz. Don’t feel guilty about the good stuff! Your mother should want that for you, too!
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Thanks I can for your post. It helped me a lot in putting things into perspective. I realize that my Mother is jealous of me. I didn’t want to believe it, but it is true. I don’t share a lot of the good things in my life with her as she never reacts or shows emotions. It is like she doesn’t care or is incapable of caring. I agree, my kids (adults) and my Grandson are my everything. We are able to share all of our emotions with each other. I love them unconditionally and I want them to be happy. I can you are right, it is my Mother’s issue not mine. I am realizing that also. I was ruled with guilt as a child and looking back my Mother has always been like this. My oldest Daughter says that she thinks that I have changed and grown so much that I am able to see how my Mother really is and that my Mother doesn’t like it. You are right, I shouldn’t feel guilt about the good stuff!!!! My Grandson and Daughter came home from camping a little early so we just came back to my house instead of me spending the night. We are going to hang out together the next 4 days (spring break) and then we are off on our little road trip. I am so thankful for everyone here as you all seem like family to me and the support and advice I receive is truly a gift. Take care.
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Yes Liz, sometimes it is just better not to tell you mom about the things you do. I never told my mom when I won at the casino because every time I had an money issue she would ask “well what happened to all that money you got?” My daughter bought me a new carry on suite case for my birthday. My mom’s comment-“Well what do you need that for? I’m going to start going with you on the weekends and see what you do. It must be nice to just pick up and go.” I told her I’m going to Mexico in the fall and it would get well used. I’m not sure if I will go to Mexico-my friend has a friend with a time share and just maybe I’ll have the money to go so we will see. I know she is jealous of all her children and think about that. What an ugly feeling to have 24/7! I pitty her and refuse to feel guilty any more. She has the money to do anything she would want to do-she just doesn’t want to do anything for herself.
Well back to work for me!
bettie -
First of all Liz I can’t understand how your mother would be like that, or any mother for that matter. I thrive on how well my kids are doing even though they are adults. I can’t imagine any mother being jealous of their own child, it seems so unreal to me. I think back to my mother who died so young, she was only 61, and how she went out of her way to help my husband and I when our kids were young and we were struggling. Even when we left Scotland to come to Canada and I know that was difficult for her, she said that “you have to do what’s right for your family now”. I know that she would have given me her last cent if I needed it. As I read the posts about mothers it makes me feel so blessed to have had a mother like I had. She had a heart of gold and would help anyone even if it meant she went without herself. I suppose that is why I find it so hard to hear about all these mothers, who, in my opinion, are not the loving and caring mothers that they should be. They say that as people get old they go back to being a kid again, but if your mother has not been that way before then that’s not the reason!!!
I still miss my Mum and all I have are warm memories of her and what she did for me. I thought all mothers were the same, but I was obviously seeing them as my mother was.
Liz, Ican and Bettie don’t feel guilty about anything, enjoy every day and everything that you have. Have a wonderful trip Liz, you deserve to be pampered and spoiled!!! -
Thanks Bettie and Cat for your posts and insights to this problem with my Mother. I love my Mother and I will be sad when she is gone. My Mother has always had control issues and she is just getting worse. It is sad as she is not enjoying her senior years just causing drama for the family. She has the means to take little trips and treat herself by getting her nails done but blows the money at the casino and then blames others: my Sister and Cousin because they want to go to the casino when they visit. I asked her to come with us on our upcoming trip but she refused. We are going to spread my step-fathers ashes in a couple of weeks. She has had them for 8 years. We are going to drive further north to a great hiking and camping place that is beautiful to spread his ashes. I even tried to get her involved in my new home. She came over twice but she tried to take full control and was putting things where she wanted them and telling me what she thought I should do and made faces when I told her my plans for the paint colors for inside or the yard plans. She makes fun of me for getting medi/pedi as she thinks they are a waste of money. For my birthday last year she bought me a pedicure set. I know I am not going to change her but I wish she would try to enjoy herself and lay off on being so mean. I am watching cartoons with my Grandson. I have plans today of straightening the storage room to make room for the chest freezer and moving some gravel in the front yard so I can put up the rest of my red brick border. Sorry to go on about my Mother. I need to let it go. Thanks for being here for me!!!
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Dear (((Liz)))!
I have to agree with what Cat said about as mothers, we revel in our children’s accomplishments and successes. I too don’t understand why mothers would be jealous of their children. There is something abnormal with parents that don’t support their children emotionally and financially if there is a legitimate need, and the parent is able to do so. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and pay no mind to your mother’s comments about anything you buy or choose to do with YOUR money. Maybe she thought you should share the money you received after your husband died. People can get really crazy expectations in situations like that. She’s not going to change so send her home like I do with Danny, the first time he misbehaves or says something I don’t like. Or leave her house if you’re there. The yard border you did looks really nice; I saw it on facebook. Carole -
Thanks Carole for your post! I know how I feel as a Mother and how I love my children unconditionally. I may not always agree with their choices but it is their lives to live and it doesn’t change my strong love for them. I would do anything for them and my Grandson. I do leave my Mom’s house when she is mean and out of control and I limit the time she is at my house. It is sad, but necessary for us to have some resemblance of a relationship. I agree that something is abnormal in my Mother being so unsupportive. She made comments recently on how I have my house paid off and that she still has a mortgage. My Mother owned a home outright when she lived in the city. She was about my age when she remarried and sold the house and moved to the town I live in now. She made the choice not to buy her new home with cash and have a mortgage. All the money from the sell of her home was blown in a few years. So, I don’t understand what that comment was about!! I am working on accepting this and I am still working on boundaries. Thanks, the border took me a little while as I had to shovel gravel, ect… Just another thing done that makes my home mine!! My Grandson and I ran a few errands this morning and have been busy all day!! We took a long walk this afternoon and we have played video games and played cars, ect… He loves pizza and that’s what we’ve eaten for 2 days, lunch and dinner. No pizza tomorrow!!! I am feeling much more peace in my life, (except for my Mom’s issues). I am learning to meditate and it does really help to relax and distress you. When I wake every morning, I first think of my Husband and I say hi to him. It may sound strange but that is helping me cope with being without him. Then I say a gratitude affirmation. I do have a lot to be grateful for. Thanks for listening. Sometimes I ramble on.
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Today went by so fast. My Grandson slept in as he stayed up late watching a movie. I finally straightened out the storage room so the chest freezer can fit in. I have a 1100pm to 300pm delivery time. It has been so windy here today. Looks like rain but so far none. Let’s see, I have straighten the house, done 2 loads of laundry and done a lot of playing with my Grandson!! My Daughter is coming up tonight after work and is working from here via internet tomorrow. Friday, we are off for 3 days!!! Road trip!!!
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Dear (((Liz)))! Today being Saturday means that you are on your trip with your daughter and grandson. I hope that it is a fun, refreshing time for you. Danny is leaving for Phoenix Sunday at midnight for 8 days to go golfing. I am doing well at not gambling though I’ve had thoughts and urges but have not given in to them. You my friend have done unbelievably well with your recovery, in spite of everything you have gone through, especially with the death of your husband. And don’t let ANYONE try and make you feel bad that you have what you have as a result of your husband’s death. Your husband and you worked hard for what you have. Your mother has a mortgage because she made that choice. It took me many decades to accept the fact that I was never going to get what I wanted emotionally from my mother. Maybe think ahead of responses you could say when she says things like she has a mortgage and you don’t. Maybe say that she made that choice. If she says something like it must be nice to be able to buy anything you want, maybe ask her what she is lacking that she can’t buy. Unhappy people seem to want everybody around them to be unhappy! I wonder why that is? Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post! We are on vacation. We went to the Children’s Museum and the International Folklore Museum and went out for lunch. Our casita is quaint but modern. We are having a awesome time! Thanks Carole for your kind words. I feel like I have made a lot of progress since my Husband’s death and I shouldn’t feel bad for the things I have. I know logically that my Mother is never going to be able to give me what I crave for but sometimes my emotional self takes over and I keep letting her words and actions crush me!! I am working on this. The things I would like to say to her in response to her mean and negative statements I won’t say as I don’t want to hurt her. Isn’t that crazy? I care enough not to hurt her but she could care less. I totally agree that unhappy people want everyone around them to be unhappy also. I’m not going to let her pull me down. Maybe she should get a clue as none of her Grandchildren (except my oldest Daughter, when she is at my house) visit her. What a sad life she has made for herself.
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Well, my Grandson and I just had breakfast (oatmeal). Mom is still sleeping. Our casita is a 1 bedroom apartment with a full kitchen, which comes in handy while traveling with a child. I could have spent all of yesterday in the museums but it wasn’t feasible with a child. We went out for ice cream sundaes last night. Today our plans are to pack a picnic and do some hiking. Then we are going shopping for a few things to take home with us. It’s been a relaxing trip!!!
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Yesterday was fun. We went to a artisan market and bought some awesome souvenirs. We took my Grandson to the local park to run around. We went hiking and had a picnic and went out for dinner later in the evening. Everyone is still sleeping. I am going to shower and pack up the remaining things so we can take off soon. I am ready to go back home. No place like home.
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I am home!!! I have to be totally honest, while the trip was fun, it was a eye opener in the way my Daughter interacts with her son. OMG!! I felt like gambling when I got home!!! I didn’t as I knew it would be a cop out for not dealing with my issues. Some history: my Grandson was raised for the first 3-4 years by my Husband and I and has spent at least 1/2 of his last 4 years with us. I am in a real hard spot as I really have a close bond with him and my Daughter still has issues with that. Maybe because she missed a lot of the first’s in his life. I don’t know. Maybe she is trying to make up for the time she lost. She never makes him mind. He took control of the vacation until I said enough. Then she was mad at me. She coddles him and condones his bad behavior. He won’t listen to anything she says and he has no accountability. When I say anything, she defends him. The rest of the time she was inattentive to him when we were at the casita. I am treated like the babysitter. He doesn’t pull that stuff with me. It came to a head when we got to my house and she said mean things to me in front of my Grandson and put him in the middle of it all. Who does that? I was upset and felt totally crushed as we are backsliding again. She left in a huff and told him, look how your Grandmother acts!!! I feel totally manipulated by her. But the love for my Grandson is so deep that I have to sit on this and think about it before I say or do anything. I am feeling so many emotions right now. Maybe I am not communicating the right way as I feel like she doesn’t listen to what I say and takes everything defensively. It is just not good between us right now and we have a spa weekend next month (non refundable). Yeeks!! I received a email from my lawyer that he is preparing a closing statement for the probate judge. That is good as it will close the estate. That will be over.
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I am sorry that you are having urges and thoughts of gambling. It is interesting when we are in an emotional turmoil we want to run and gamble to escape from it. You are in a difficult situation as you don’t want to do anything to hurt your Grandson and you want to maintain a relationship with him and your daughter. It is difficult as you to have been in a parenting position with your Grandson for a number of years. You have certain guidelines that you follow when parenting and your daughter has a different way of parenting. I wonder if your daughter lets him do what he wants as she is carrying a lot of guilt for not being there for her son as a parent for a number of years. It’s actually easier to just let a child do what they want than discipline them. She may also feel that you are trying to control her if you are telling her how to raise her son. It is a very delicate tight rope that you are walking right now. How is he discipline by his father and other Grandparents? I wonder if you could suggest that you all discuss guidelines on what is acceptable behaviour and how to deal with it. It is better for your Grandson that everyone is consistent with him as he is the one who is getting mixed messages on what is acceptable behaviour. I don’t envy the position that you are in, but it is important to you Grandson that he has the same expectations from everyone in regards to acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. It may be give and take from your daughter and you to come to an agreement. I don’t mean to offend you, and it is so much easier giving advice LOL It is interesting as when we visit our Grandchildren we notice that our son and daughter-in-law tend to let the kids away with things. I am the mother-in-law and I know if I said anything it would be held against me so I just keep my mouth shut!!! I know when we do things with them away from their parents they are better behaved, but then again I think that kids tend to push their parents to the limit. I also know that my son and dil are not consistent with their disciplining which is not a good thing, but I can’t control how they discipline. I know in your situation it is different as you were in the parent position with your Grandson. I know that you will figure out how to work this out Liz. The joys of being a parent never end do they!!!!
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Lizbeth, I am in shock even reading how your daughter has treated you so I can understand how you must be feeling right now. Children need consistent handling as we all know. The conflict that your daughter is creating for her son is very confusing. Using you, (his only stable force by the sound of things) as a scapegoat is very unfair.
Would you ask her to do some joint counselling so that both of you will be singing from the same hymn sheet at least in your dealings with the child?
This must be very stressful for you. It would be so easy to throw in the towel and gamble at a time like this but that would give your daughter serious ammunition against you.
Her way of dealing with the child is the easy way out Lizbeth. My own niece undermined my position with her 3 year old a few years ago when they were visiting my house and the child was playing up. I felt like strangling her so I know how you must feel.
The last thing children need is conflict!
Confront your daughter alone about this behaviour Liz and ask if , for the boy’s sake she could come to some agreement with you about her behaviour. It is very sad . -
Dear (((Liz)))! You are in a tough position with your daughter right now. That was totally an attack on you when she mentioned in front of your grandson about how you “acted.” First of all, she is ungrateful that you would take them on a vacation that I’m sure you paid all or most of the expenses. Second of all, she should not involve her son in adult issues, in any way. He is a child with a developing brain of a child, no matter how smart he is. She should not have put him in the middle of her perceived issues with you. Like you, when my grandchildren are with me, they have to listen to me or there are consequences. I have to agree with Vera, that your daughter is taking the lazy way out by not consistently disciplining her son. She is not teaching him appropriate behavior for social situations or boundaries, or self-discipline. I would let the situation cool down before you say anything to your daughter. She is bound to be defensive about how she parents. I know for me that when someone tells me something I don’t like or is actually true and I don’t want to face that truth, I get defensive and think it’s the other person that has the problem. But then I think about it, and if there’s truth I can admit it to myself, and then do something different. Personally I wouldn’t say anymore about it to your daughter, as she already knows that your parenting styles are different. Keep enforcing appropriate behavior when you’re with your grandson. Limit your interactions with your daughter to a one day plan, so that you don’t get on each other’s nerves. The spa weekend you’re going to have to do the best you can to get along with her. Who was going to look after your grandson while you’re getting treatments? If he’s not going with you and your daughter, then there will be no conflict about parenting issues. Just my 2 cents (((Liz)))! Carole
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THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORTIVE POSTS AND ADVICE! I started my day with good intentions. I went and worked out this morning and then went directly to the casino. After blowing $300, I stopped myself and left before I did further damage. I am kicking myself in the butt!! I am here telling all and asking for your support again. I have to learn from this and move on. The situation between my Daughter and myself is worse. I asked her to have my Grandson’s Dad pick him up from school on Thursday and Friday. I need time and space away from her. I am so upset and angry with her and myself right now. I didn’t tell the whole story. My Grandson has put on a lot of weight since the death of his Papa. He is overweight and I am concerned about his health. I talked to my Daughter about it as he is very aware of it. He plays baseball and we talked about getting him outside more to play and to make healthier food choices for him. She is doing nothing to help as the nights he doesn’t have baseball, he is playing video games and physically inactive. When I am with him at his house or mine, we take walks and go to the playground after school. He eats healthy snack such as fruits. I am so pissed and annoyed with both of his parents. His Dad is overweight also and they go out to eat all the time when he is at his Dad’s house. Heart disease runs on both sides of the families. I bought him a bike for Xmas. He is learning to ride it without training wheels but hasn’t gotten the hang of it yet. He is real concerned and sad that his parents don’t have the time to spend with him, helping him learn to ride. He keeps voicing this to my Daughter but she blows him off. We had a real heated argument about all of this today!!! Carole, I did pay for the whole vacation. I wanted us to all have a good time. She took advantage of that situation also. I let her take advantage as I didn’t want to fight in front of my Grandson. That was my mistake!!!! My Grandson is staying with his Dad the spa weekend. I am ready to go by myself and eat the other plane ticket. I know the routine. She won’t talk to me till next week when she wants me to come and take care of him. Also, she has some trips planned with her friends in the coming months and needs someone to watch him. It is the same vicious cycle and I don’t know if I can do this anymore!!!
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Well, everything came to a head this evening. My Daughter started texting me about how I was the cause of her drug addiction problem because I have always been verbally abusive to her. This never happened!!! She is so mad because I told her that I wasn’t funding anymore trips for her because of her behavior. She has a sense of entitlement. I text her and my Grandson’s Dad to tell them both that it was time for them to put him into a afterschool program on Thursdays and Fridays. This going back and forth is hard. I am tired!! She told me fine and I would see him on her terms. Okay!!! I am sad but I am ready to let go and maybe I am deterring them from parenting responsibly as I am always available. I feel like maybe it’s time to be a little selfish and do some things for myself. Her words were very painful but she is back into her old behavior pattern. Everything is going to be okay. I hope my Grandson won’t think that I am abandoning him!! That is my main worry!!!
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This is very upsetting for you, Lizbeth.
A few thoughts come to mind.
1. We can’t “buy” our kid’s love/affection. (I tried . It doesn’t work!)
2. Maybe it is time to involve a social worker or some third party in your grandson’s life. You have been giving FAR too much of your time/attention/money. I know you love that child Liz, but sometimes love means letting go….( I’ ve had to do that too….) Your daughter is playing you like a fiddle! How dare she, after all you have done. Her child would be in care if not for you and your husband. rip.
3. Parents who use a child as a “pawn” are guilty of abuse…
4. Immature adults ALWAYS blame others for their mess (usually the people closest and those who have done most for them- My ( failure to thrive) son says I am the source of all his grief….great to have someone to blame isn’t it!!)
5. Last but not least Liz,
GAMBLING WILL SOLVE NONE OF THIS MESS!
You can write letters to your grandson to stay in touch. -
Vera, thank you so much for your post I have a lot to think about. I had a restless night. This is a ploy that my daughter has used before. But it doesn’t hurt any less. At some point my Grandson will want to see me and she will give in. I thought that we were moving forward in our relationship, but obviously she wasn’t. I was being used. Well the money train stops. I can accept that our relationship is what it is and try to get along with her for my Grandsons sake. I have no urges to gamble today. I am just feeling sadness.
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Dear (((Liz)))!
I’m sorry that you are hurting right now! I have to agree with what Vera said. I have read your posts and you have been running yourself ragged trying to help your daughter. You don’t even live in the city/town, and yet you make that commute like she lives around the corner. I know you want to lessen the stress for your daughter as she is in drug recovery, but she doesn’t seem to have grasped the simple premise that she is responsible for her own behavior. No matter what has happened to us in life starting as children, we need to deal with it, and move on. In my opinion, you have done too much for her since your husband died. Vera is right that were it not for you and your husband, your grandson could very well have ended up in gov’t care. Your daughter was very mean-spirited to have told you that you will see your grandson on her terms. Your grandson will badger his mother to see you, so I wouldn’t worry about not seeing him. It’s a pattern that has happened before when you have had conflict with your daughter. I think it’s time to take on a grandmother’s role and let your grandson’s parents deal with the day to day care of their child. I would suggest not responding to her texts as you are both upset now. Let the situation cool down, as nothing good can come at this time. It seems that she sees you as an ATM because you have set it up like that. I don’t mean to hurt you with that statement. Enjoy your new home and spend time working in your yard if that’s what you want to do. Nature is a great healer and getting your hands in the dirt soothes the soul. Carole -
Carole, I totally agree with your post. I was the ATM for my Daughter. I made that choice (a bad one). The relationship was shifting about 1 month ago when I had a talk with her about my money and how I was going to start saving so much of my monthly income as it will be 7 years before I can get social security. This trips were already planned and paid for. I hadn’t slept well the night before so I stayed in my PJS all day and watched TV and dozed. It is cold and windy here today. It is time for me to step into the Grandmother role instead of the parent role with my Grandson. My brain tell me it is the right thing to do but my heart is still hurting!!! I have always had this nagging, worry feeling about him. I will deal with it. Tomorrow, I will go back to the gym. If it is nice outside, I will work on my yard. I keep saying it is time for me to branch out and meet people. I am going to make the move this Sunday-church. I have had no gambling urges today.
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Liz it sounds as if the situation has been a role reversal with your Grandson where you have been the parent and your daughter is the Grandmother. It is our job as Grandparents to spoil our grandchildren and their parents to tell us not to. I remember when my kids were young saying to my mother that my kids could not have or do something, I cant remember exact details, but she said I am their Granny and it’s my job to spoil them. LOL I know we can spoil our Grandchildren while at the same time letting them know what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. It is good the way things have turned out that you are not living as close to your daughter as it makes it easier to not be right there when she calls. It is difficult to know what your daughter is going through as well. You mentioned that she had a drug problem and was not their for her son, so I am sure that she is carrying some guilt with that and it could be part of the reason that she does not discipline him. I know that I have had a weight problem all my life and if my mother mentioned that I should try and lose weight I would get defensive even though I knew it was true. I notice that my daughter, who is also overweight is the same if I mention losing weight to her. There is the old saying about hurting the ones we love. I believe that we know those who love us will forgive us. It is not right to treat our loved ones like that, but quite often that is what happens. I am not condoning how your daughter has treated you as it is not acceptable. I know that working on barriers has really helped me understand what is acceptable to me and the way I will be treated. Also going to a counsellor and learning why certain things upset me as they are against my value or morals. I never like to see a child used as a pawn in a relationship and that is what your daughter is doing when she is saying that you will see your grandson on her terms. However, that may just be her speaking in anger and she probably does not mean it. One of my sons always says two wrongs don’t make a right. I am sorry that you are hurting right now. I know that there are times when I have been angry that I have said things I regret, and who knows your daughter may be feeling that way. I think there are always challenges in relationships when it comes to families. I know that I sometimes keep my mouth shut when I would love to say something, but later when things have cooled down I do let them know that they hurt me.
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Cat , thanks so much for your post. I woke this morningh and had myself a good cry (a little pity party). I a still trying to find my way without my husband. Sometimes, I feel all alone. My family isn’t and hasn’t been close for some time. I have a few friends in the city but I have never been one who has had a lot of friends. I am questioning what my purpose is on this earth. Cat, I said some inappropriate things in response to my daughter’s outburst. I have apologized to her but only received how I caused her addiction problems and was a terrible mother to her. I know that things are said in the heat of the moment but these are things that she has said before . Looking back. I was trying to buy her love because I don’t know how to get her to love me. Real sad when you think about it. Anything I said about my Grandsons weight was out of concern. I thought a long time before I approached her and she seemed to be on board. I feel a lot of animosity from her. I am sure she is unhappy about the past and my closeness with her son. I cared for him when she was unable to. I want to go to her and just hug her and try to start over but she has made it clear for me to not contact her. I will keep my distance and see what happens. I will call at some point to talk to my Grandson. I am going to the gym this morning. Today will be a good day for pulling weeds as we had a light rain last night. No thoughts of gambling
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Dear (((Liz)))! It’s too bad that you both said mean things to each other, as words can never be taken back. Members of families know how to push each other’s buttons, as we know each other’s vulnerabilities. I am 58 years old and can remember painful words spoken to me as a young child by both of my parents, where I felt shame and humiliated! A parent’s words are so powerful! I know you want a close relationship with your daughter(s), but that can’t be bought or forced. I know it’s difficult for you as well with your relationship with your mother, as she can’t give you what you need emotionally. It seems like you have a long history of not getting what you need emotionally from significant others in your life. As much as you loved your husband, he could not provide what you needed emotionally as he had an alcohol problem. I recognize this clearly as I am in the same boat with you. I gave up decades ago with my mother of ever getting any of my emotional needs met, because I knew it would never happen. I don’t think she could tell me exactly when my birthday is. I have a husband who doesn’t met my emotional needs, and doesn’t have a clue or the ability to sustain being kind to me. I think that is the main reason we invest so much into our grandkids. They love us unconditionally and spoiling them ensures that they will spend time with us. That meets some of our emotional need to love and be loved. Having pets does the same, especially dogs. That’s one of the reasons I had so many dogs, as I was trying to get some of my emotional needs met. I totally understand you questioning what your purpose in life is, as I ask myself the same thing almost on a daily basis, and I can’t answer that. I would suggest that you give your daughter space and time for her to cool down and process what happened between you. You need the same and your grandson will contact you. He knows you love him! Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post. Words said in anger can’t be taken back and do a lot of damage. I have apologized but the damage on my end has been done. I am giving my daughter space. It was time though that my Grandson s parents came together with a plan for his care after school I was getting tired going back and forth and told both of them that but they did nothing tell now. I know my Grandson knows that I love him. I don’t know if I expect more emotionally than others can give or if I am dealing with others that are unable to give emotionally. I have been very lonely the last few days. I worked out this morning and bought some solar lights for my yard. I had lunch with my mom. She has tried to be reassuring that my daughter and I will work things out. I know there is more for me to learn and do. I just need to figure it out.
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So here’s mine-Don’t apologize anymore for the same thing Liz. I had a friend who told me to stop saying I was sorry over and over, he said it sounded insincere when in fact i now know it was my co dependent people pleasing way of trying to control the situtation. My ga buddy used to have horrible fights with her 2 girls – they blamed her for everything that was wrong in their life. After many phone calls to her sponser she gave her the advice that i have found very helpful. “you already apoligized, you were sincere, you can’t fix the past. Other peoples opinion of you is none of your business. They are entitled to their own feelings . Let them know you choose to look foward, not backward.”
I think that applies to many things in life.
Like I said, my 2 cents, for what it’s worth.
bettie -
Thanks Bettie for your advice. Everyone has given me great advice and I am listening. I felt the need in my heart to apologize as I did say some unkind words in the heat of our fight. But as always, I never get a apology. I am not going to apologize again. I am getting the cold shoulder treatment. I did talk to my ex-son-in-law and my Grandson is fine. He told me it would pass as that is how my Daughter reacts to things she doesn’t want to hear. I do feel that I need to take responsibility for not being more firm that they find care for my Grandson and that the traveling back and forth was getting to be too much. I let her brush me off and I didn’t stand my ground. Honestly, I have been walking on eggshells with her and that is not a healthy relationship. I held my feelings in as I didn’t want to fight or disagree with her as I knew it wouldn’t have a happy outcome. I finally exploded when she had pushed me to my limits. A lot of this about money also. I have done a lot for her lately and when I said no, she didn’t like it!!! Really sad but true! I knew when I cut off the money supply, she would be mad!! Oh well! We have a upcoming trip at the end of this month. We are flying to meet a friend and spend the weekend at a spa. I have prepaid everything. If she can’t get it together by then, I am going without her. Bettie, you are right. I can’t control what she thinks of me. I know my truth! It is just strange how I am the cause of her drug addiction issues and other problems, but she never said anything till she didn’t get what she wanted (money). To me it is a cop out!!!! Anyways, I had a good day. The weather here was wonderful. I am cooking on my new gas grill tomorrow for my Mom and I. I hung the new bird feeder and bird house in my back yard and they look awesome. I am thinking about buying a bird bath for the birds and squirrels . I love the geese but I had poop in my driveway today. They are still awesome. Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I am not feeling so sad about the situation today!
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My grandson called today. He beat me to it as I was going to call him this week. It was good to hear his voice. It was too windy to grill today so I cooked inside. My Mom stayed for 4 hours and we played board games. I am going to help her do yard work tomorrow if it isn’t windy. I have my Pjs on as it is cool here and I am tired today. I did laundry and cleaned earlier today. It is going to be a early night
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My Daughter called last night and apologized to me. I told her that we need to work on our relationship and that counseling wouldn’t be a bad idea. She attends counseling and I have in the past. She is open to the idea. We need to learn to talk to one another and not let our problems get out of control. That doesn’t mean that I am traveling back and forth to the city like before. I know that my Grandson will spend a lot of the summer with me in between his sports camp and karate camp and I am good with that. I think that I am stopping her from completely parenting my Grandson. It is time for him to spend more time with his Dad also. His Dad is a awesome person but lately he has being seeing less of him. He too needs to do some growing up and become more responsible. So our spa trip is on again for the two of us. We will fly into Las Vegas on the 25th and my Grandson’s other Grandma will pick us up and we will go to her home town which is 1 hour from there. We are going to the spa the next day and are spending the night with her. She has some land and animals, horses, chickens and of course dogs and cats. I haven’t been there before and she has been inviting me. On our last day we are going back to Vegas for dinner and the Love-Beatles Tribute show. She got tickets for us!!! I am not worried about gambling as Vegas was never a venue for me. I have gone there with my Husband for Union conferences and never gambled, just did a lot of sight-seeing and shopping. I will be with non-gamblers also so they will keep me in check. I want to be accountable and honest as I do not plan to gamble. Today, I helped my Mom with her yard work. She refuses to let me hire someone as she likes to putter in the yard. She isn’t on any deadline, so she works on it a little at a time. We had lunch together and play many games of yahtzee. (my favorite game). We are going to the gym in the morning then we are traveling about 50 miles northeast from here to spread my Step-father’s ashes. My Mom has had his ashes for almost 8 years and finally decided that she felt comfortable in spreading them. The place we are going to has a stream running through it and is beautiful. Afterwards we are going to have a picnic. On the way home we plan to stop by the plant fair (nursery) and look for some flowers for me plant. So, my day tomorrow will be full. The way I like them.
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Well, today was a busy one. We went to the gym this morning. I took my Mom to a creek that is about 21 miles from here. It was beautiful and no one was there!!! We spread my Step-Father’s ashes. There was a picnic area and we had lunch and talked. My Mother’s memory is not so good anymore. She is getting people and situations all mixed up. We were talking about when I was a child and she was mixing things that my Brother did as things I did. I corrected her but she had a blank stare in her eyes. I don’t know if this is just old age or something worse. I am glad that I see her almost everyday so I can keep a eye on if it leads to something else. On the way home we stopped at the plant nursery and I bought some beautiful flowers to plant. I pulled weeds in my front yard and now I am pooped!! Oh, my Mom did say something about going to the casino on our way home. She said, “Are we going home? I would like to go to the casino but I don’t have the money to.” I told her that neither one of us needed to go to the casino and that we were going home. I am sure she was upset but that’s alright. I was telling her the truth. I think I will vegg the rest of the day. Take care everyone!
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Liz you have been busy as always. I love to read your posts and hear how you are doing. It is wonderful that your daughter apologized to you. Our daughter is moving home for a while so I know that it will be a challenge for her and me as we do have a tendency to disagree, however, we seem to be able to communicate a bit better now and explain to each other why something upset us. It is difficult as our children become adults and have their own opinions etc., but to us they are always our kids. It will probably be me posting here in a few months annoyed at my daughter. It is one of the most challenging things to do and that is have a disagreement in a healthy way. We tend to get defensive so right away we are not thinking straight. I know it is something that I have to work on. Communication – first listen to understand – so much easier said than done!!!! Have a great day Liz!!!
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One thing strikes me Lizbeth. Pull me up if I’m out of order! This is it….As soon as your relationship with your daughter and grandson shifted to a different level, you switched your attention to your mother!!!!
Just saying!!!
I often did that in the past. ….replaced one “helping” relationship with another!
Just wondering if you are aware of this as it reads, or did you do it unconsciously! -
Cat and Vera thanks for your posts on my thread! Vera, I think you are right. I am a people pleaser from a child, as far back as I can remember. A lot of it was out of a need to be loved and to try to keep a sense of order in our household. I am still trying to help or please others thought I have been trying to work on that. I need to please and help myself first. I can’t buy anyone’s love and I am who I am. Either you love me or you don’t thought it is hard to accept rejection from those whom you think would have your back, family. As I have said here before, my friends (a lot of you are here) were the ones who got me through the dark days after my Husband’s death not my family members. I think that says a lot. Vera, I am learning to love and like myself and I know that I am a good person capable of loving and being loved. I let others use me! Isn’t that sad? I am trying to break away from that. I know in the end that only ME is going to take care of myself and I don’t expect anyone else to. I can’t fix anyone’s problems or change anyone but me. The last two days after the gym, my Mother has wanted me to take her to the casino and I have said no! I have taken her home and I have done yard work. She asked me today if I was leaving her again!! Just a ploy for me to give into her. This was a big milestone for me in saying no!!! I have a hard time saying no to anyone. I have so much work to do on myself as I don’t want to keep making the same choices and mistakes. I don’t have my Sister and Nephew in my life because I refused to keep going on in a toxic relationship with them and they refused to work on a better relationship with me. My Grandson called last night and told me how much he missed me. It has been 9 days since I have seen him. Although I miss him deeply, I am standing my ground and his Mom and Dad will take care of him instead of me traveling back and forth. I did invite them all here for Easter weekend. I would love for them to come but some of my Grandson’s relatives from his Dad side might be visiting. My Daughter said she would call me as soon as she knew what was going on. I am making him a Easter basket of course!!! If they don’t come, I will see him on the 24th when I come to the city to fly out on my trip. It is a beautiful day here and I am watering and pulling weeds. I have a lot to do around here. I am making this my little paradise where I can be away from everything. Have a good day everyone!
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Liz I am so happy that your daughter, grandson and ex-son-in-law are coming to spend time with you at Easter. In reading Vera’s post it made me think that it does seem that when you have a problem with your daughter or mother you seem to flip flop to the other. I wonder if it is more that you need to be “needed” if that makes sense. I don’t mean that in a bad way, and I can understand it. It gives you a purpose to be helping out with your grandson or your mother. I also think with your daughter etc. coming for Easter it gives you something to look forward to. I believe we all need something to look forward to, no matter whether it is going for lunch with a friend.
Your garden will be your sanctuary where you can sit and relax. You can tend to your flowers etc. and see the fruits of your labour. It must be difficult for you as well Liz as you are still grieving and adapting to being on your own. You have been Liz and husband for so many years and now you don’t have your husband to share things with. You are doing great and should be so proud of yourself. I think I have changed my way of thinking with my daughter and that is that we will not have a “perfect” relationship. We will say or do things and upset each other, but I also know that as a mother my love for her is unconditional and I will forgive her no matter what. I know that I will have hurt feelings at times, but I will continue to try and communicate this to her without raising my voice. I am putting all this down for my benefit Liz as I know there will be challenges when she moves back in our home. It is so much easier when we are calm to say these things, but when we are in the midst of a disagreement it is not as easy LOL Have a serene and gamble free day!!!! -
Good to hear that you will have company over Easter Lizbeth. Make sure it is on your terms this time. My “prodigal” son (and a few other family members/friends) played the game of “I have other arrangements made” and eventually would come to me when other plans fell through. I would always lay our the red carpet, kill the fatted calf and go out of my way to entertain them. More often than not, I was the one who would be walked on not the red carpet!!!
All I’m saying, Liz is don’t allow anyone to use you. Forgive and forget is a lovely idea, but remember that applies to your daughter as well as to you.
Maybe your visitors could bring some goodies or share the cost of the weekend. It would be a good idea to set boundaries to ensure they don’t get the impression that you are allowing things glide. Afterall, there has been a shift in your relationship so keeping things cool might be in order.
(My friend told me she had her daughter and her husband come to stay for a few days recently. She cooked, baked etc etc. They arrived hungover from an all night party, pushed the food around on the plate and said they weren’t hungry and went to bed for the evening!!!!) spent the next two days lolling around in nightwear, too tired to converse with her and left her feeling very used and rejected! I’m giving this as an example of why we mammies should lay down a few ground rules for our adult “kids!!!!!)
Prepare well in advance Lizbeth. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in! -
Thanks for the posts Cat and Vera. I was prepared to spend Easter by myself. I am not going all out for Easter dinner. We are grilling and my Daughter suggested that we go together to the grocery store to get everything and I am not paying for it all. I really don’t have any expectations when they are here. It will be good to see them all, especially my Grandson. I was watering yesterday evening and a woman walking her dog stopped and introduced herself. She lives at the end of my block around the corner. Her name is Carole, so I won’t forget that!!!! Cat, I miss my Husband a lot. I need to be kinder to myself as it has only been a little over 1 year since his passing. Sometimes, I think that I should be further in my grieving progress but I read posts on a grief support group that I belong to and everyone is different. I think one of the hardest things about him dying is that now I am just me! We were together so long that we were like a team. No one knew me like he knew me and he unconditionally loved me. We all have imperfections but my Husband was very loyal and always had my back. He was not a person to anger easily but if he thought that someone had hurt me he would come to my defense. I was reading some old emails from him the other day and they made me smile and miss him. I feel myself wanting to tell or share something with me and sometimes I do talk to him. I feel like he is with me and has been guiding me along my new path. I wonder when the hurt is going to stop. It is so hard to be living this new life without him but I am doing it and hoping that the pain lessens sometime.
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Today was a ME day! I went to the salon and had a haircut, brows waxed, and a mani/pedi. I feel like a new woman!! LOL!! I really liked the place that I went to and I will go back there again. I went by the hardware store and picked up a garden tool (racks, shovels, ect) organizer that I had to order. Tomorrow I will put it together. Later today I am going to feed and water my rose bushes. I can only water on certain days and times. My oldest Daughter and I have been texting back and forth. I noticed that she isn’t telling me she loves me when I tell her. Kind of hurtful but maybe that’s her way of getting back at me for me cutting off the money and not coming down every week to take care of my Grandson. If my Daughter had a legit emergency, I would help her out financially or I would come down to watch my Grandson. But she doesn’t put her priorities in the right order. Oh well, I can only work on and change myself. Otherwise everything is going fine. I talked to my Mom today on the phone to see how she was. I am making it a point not to spend everyday with her as it is not productive or healthy for me. She seemed depressed but that is for her to work out and deal with. I took a long nap yesterday, something I rarely do. I think my body needed some sleep as I went to bed at a decent hour also. I woke this morning feeling better and refreshed. I am not having gambling thoughts. I have so many little things to keep me occupied here. I hope everyone had a awesome day!!
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I am up early this morning. I have had the best 2 nights sleep since my husband’s death. I feel like he is telling me enough already, let go and relax and rest. Take care of yourself! Being home and not running back and forth to the city is helping also. I feel relaxed and I am accomplishing a lot around here. I feed and watered my rose bushes yesterday. I have plans to work in my yard this weekend. It is very therapeutic for me. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
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I hope everyone is having a great weekend! I was unable to work in the yard today as it has been extremely windy here. I have been slacking when it comes to housework. I cleaned and re-organized the master bathroom, my closet, and I have been going through paperwork and shredding and filing papers in the filing cabinet. I am almost done but needed a break. My Mom called and asked me what I was doing. Before I could respond she told me all that she did today in detail. My Sister was supposed to come and stay with her this weekend but she didn’t show so my Mom called her and she said something came up and she wasn’t coming. I just told my Mom that I was busy today doing things around the house. She told me she was just calling to see what I was doing and that she didn’t want anything. Anyways, it was a fast conversation and I continued on with my work. I am doing all my bed linens, ect… Not a very exciting weekend but I am not gambling and staying out of trouble!!!
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Thanks for the post I can. A lot of the time my weekends are not so exciting. I worked out this morning. I treadmilled for 30 mins and 15 mins on the bike. I added two weight machines to my regime. I am getting there slowly but surely. I made a trip to home depot to pick up a few things for the yard. I have a lot of my plans in my head for the backyard. I will get it done little by little. My grandson called last night. He can’t wait to see me this weekend and color Easter eggs. I told him that we would have a awesome Easter egg hunt too! The hardest part of letting go and not traveling back and forth to the city is not seeing my Grandson. But in the long run, it is the best thing. It won’t be long before my trip! Yeah!!! I have not had any gambling urges.
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Dear (((Liz)))! I caught up on your thread tonight. I can hardly believe that you said you thought you should be further along in your grief journey. I have done extensive work in grief/bereavement and I can say that you have done amazingly since your husband was diagnosed and then died. You are right that everyone’s grief journey is different, but you have inspired me by how you have handled your husband’s death. The first year is the hardest people say, and that’s been my experience. The hurt does goes away where you’ll be able to think of your husband without sadness at some point. That’s been my experience with my brother anyways. I’m happy to hear that you aren’t running yourself ragged driving to the city all the time. My grandgirls appreciate me more when they don’t see me all the time. Hope you have a great Easter celebration! Carole
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Thanks Carole or your post! I don’t know how to judge my grieving process? I know that everyone is different. Thank you for saying I have done well dealing with my Husband’s death. I think that I am hard on myself and expect a lot. It is nice to hear someone say that I am doing alright. When I think of my Husband, the sadness is lessening and I think of the happier times. I still do miss him a lot. Some days are worse than others. I know it will get better. Well, I worked out this morning and then dug 2 holes and planted shrubs for my Mother. Honestly, she is really declining physically and mentally. I know that it is part of the aging process but I am a little worried with her mental state. She is really having a hard time expressing herself verbally and acts disoriented sometimes. There is a reason why I moved here. Maybe it is to be close by her so I can keep a eye on her. I came home and put together my garden tool organizer. I had a moment today. I had bid on EBAY (first time) and won a vintage jewelry lot. There were 2 compacts (face powder) in the lot. My Sister has a collection of these. I mailed them to her today with a note, saying that I would like to see her sometime when she is here visiting Mom. We haven’t talked in over 1 year, since she disrespected me 2 days after the death of my Husband. I have been thinking of her a lot lately and I decided to reach out to her. So, we will see what happens. I am realistic and I know that she may just blow me off. Our relationship obviously needs a lot of work. But I am willing to go there is she is. I meet this lady at the bank today. We have seen each other several other places in town. She introduced herself and we talked. She gave me her cell number. We kind of hit it off. I know if I would put myself out there more with volunteering, group outings and clubs, I would meet interesting people. I am working on it!!!!
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(((Liz))) I’m happy to hear that you put yourself out there meeting someone that you could possibly be friends with. That was kind of you to reach out to your sister. It does sound to me that your Mother has been part of the problem in your relationship with your sister, as she carries stories back and forth, probably painting the both of you in a negative light to each other. Your sister has also played a big role in the past with the problems you have had with your daughter. As much as you would like a close relationship with your mother, sister, and daughters, it may not be possible, as everyone seems to be in everybody’s business, manipulating others for their own benefit. That’s why it would be helpful if you could develop a support system for yourself through friends and activities you enjoy. Family members aren’t going to change just because you have gotten healthier emotionally. You need to have emotional boundaries around you when dealing with toxic family members, or you will always be in turmoil when it comes to interactions with them. Carole
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Thanks Carole! You are so right. I don’t have high expectations from my Sister. It is what it is. It may just be a superficial relationship. I am working on my relationships with my both of my Daughters. They are the most important to me except for my Grandson. I can see us being able to work together to have healthy relationships. My Mom called this morning saying that she wasn’t going to the gym today as she was feeling depressed. Wow! That is the first time I have heard her admit that she gets depressed. I asked her if there was anything that I could do to help. She said no, she needed to work on it herself. This is big as she never discusses emotions. I will let her be today! I am home after the gym and my goal today is to clean my place and do some watering this evening. I am going to try out my new soaker hoses and timers!!! I am going to continue to have boundaries with the toxic people in my life. I am going to keep putting myself out there with new people and activities. One day at a time!!
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Today I finally finished cleaning my house. I woke this morning to my first roses blooming (red). I have never lived here when everything is blooming. I have been told by the neighbors that I have pink, red, and white roses, purple and white irises and orange trumpet vines. I have a shrub in my front yard that is getting to bloom and the flowers will be yellow. I ordered bulbs from my Grandson (school) which I am going to plant in my window flower boxes. They are a multitude of colors. So my front and back yard looks beautiful. I still have a lot of work to do. I want a paved patio area and a fire pit and raised garden beds. It will just take some time. It feels good seeing the results of your effort and work and it keeps me out of trouble and my mind clear. I have my Grandsons Easter basket finished and I am anticipating spending Easter with him. We are grilling so I am keeping it simple and easy. I hope everyone has a awesome Easter!
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It has been a gloomy, windy day here. It sprinkled for a few mins. but I am hoping for more rain as it is really dry here and the surrounding forest is thirsty. I went to the grocery store this morning for Easter dinner ingredients. Tomorrow afternoon I will see my Grandson. He called me last night and we talked and played a online game together. It will be good to see him. I got a response from my Sister. She text me saying thank you for the compacts and that she plans on coming here to see Mom the end part of next month. She suggested that we get together for lunch. I text her back that it would be good to see her and lunch sounded great. Well it’s a start!! I just can’t let my expectations get too high as I will probably be disappointed. I just have to let it be what it will be! Nothing else going on here. Wishing everyone a Happy Easter!!!
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Liz your flowers and garden sound lovely. It is great to have projects to work on and you have things you want to do in your back yard to make it your own. I am sure that you are having a great day today with your Grandson and that he will love his Easter basket. You really are working on your new life. I know that it must be difficult to step back from the parenting role with your Grandson and yet you are doing it. I find your posts so inspirational. I think it is wonderful that you reached out to your sister and she did respond. Families are so complicated and yet it is what it is. We love our family, although we may not like them at times because of their behaviour. If only we could all talk to each other in a calm way, but usually our emotions get involved and we end up saying things we regret because we are angry. I am finding that I am speaking up more with my family now, and I mean that I am standing up for myself when I don’t like the way I was spoken to. I know that when I can speak calmly it makes such a difference, but that is not always the reality or possible. I find that it is getting easier though. Enjoy your Easter with your Grandson, daughter and ex s-I-law. Do you have your shell turtles in your garden?
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Happy Easter everyone! I am spending precious time with my Grandson. Him and I are having breakfast and watching cartoons. Lol! My daughter and I took a long walk yesterday and I told her and we had a very emotional talk. It was good. I realized that I have to accept certain things and that we are going to have different views also but that it is alright. I still have to have boundaries with her. It was a freeing moment for me! She was alone with my Grandson this last week as his dad was out of town and did well. My grandson has lost some weight also. They have been going to the park and playing baseball every evening. She told e she didn’t realize how much she had been depending on me and that it was time that she took care of her child. So there has been progress made. Cat, I have my 2 turtles in my backyard. The previous owner left a ceramic turtle here . So I have 3 now. We are grilling steaks and salmon this afternoon. We had pizza last night and my Mom came over. My daughter notice her strange behavior also. I need to keep a eye her. It may just be old age. Well, have a good day everyone.
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Today was awesome! We had a great Easter egg hunt and our dinner was delicious. My Grandson had a good time. I was thankful for the time I spent with him. My Daughter was a little cross with me this afternoon and I didn’t understand where she was coming from. I never got a answer from her but I did tell her that I didn’t appreciate her attitude with me. Unfortunately, it happened in front of everyone and they felt uncomfortable. But I did stand up for myself and I felt good about it!!! My Mom was in a good mood today and she is always good with her Great-Grandson, my Grandson. She sat on the floor and played with him today. It was a precious moment. My Grandson didn’t want to go home but I am picking him up from school on Thursday and him and I are going to have dinner together. He was happy about that. It was a pretty good day!!
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It doesn’t look like much is going on here at GT. I worked out this morning for 45 mins. I encouraged my Mother to go also as I think it is good for her body and mind. I am coming down with a cold or it’s a sinus thing. I have been taking some over the counter medicine and I am hoping that I start feeling better soon. I will be in the city on Thursday and we are leaving for our trip on Friday. I did some watering today and straighten up the place. It is windy here so maybe that is attributing to my sinus issues. I am looking forward to getting away for a few days. I am hoping that my Daughter will behave herself, but I can’t count on that. I haven’t had any gambling urges lately. I have been focusing in on my home and yard more as there is always something to do. I hope everyone is having a good day!!
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Good to hear Easter went well for you Lizbeth!
Shame on your daughter for upsetting you again!
My youngest son specializes in that carry on!
He was here for the weekend. Behaved VERY well, UNTIL I was dropping him back tonight and he let fly in the car (always picks places where I can’t walk away) and roared and swore at me in front of my other son and his girlfriend.
I told him to cut out the drama and stop embarrassing himself.
Luckily, I didn’t end up in the casino like I used to in the past as a reaction to his behaviour.
It takes two to tango! -
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Hi P. I was on chat with Vera and some others last night and really hoped you would be there. Just had my morning coffee and thought of you. Praying today especially for you…
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Vera thanks for your post. For the most part, Easter was awesome. My grandson and I spent quality time together. My daughter did upset me but I stood up for myself and I moved on from it fast and didn’t wallow in it. Sometimes I hold on to hurtful situations but I am learning to say my piece and let go. I have gained 25 pounds since my husband’s death and I am disappointed in myself. I stepped up my workout. I am treadmill ing 30 minutes, bicycling 15 minutes and doing weighs 15 minutes. Also I am watching what I am eating. I know it takes discipline to lose weight and I know I can do it. I refuse to buy bigger clothes. I had a lot of energy today after working out. The farmer’s market starts here in May so I will be able to buy fresh produce. Like anything else, you have to have the desire to succeed. I am hoping we can take in the titanic exhibit this weekend while on our trip. I haven’t had any gambling urges lately. I have kept busy with my yard and house. It looks like I am going to have a lot of strawberries. Yum!
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Vera thanks for your post. For the most part, Easter was awesome. My grandson and I spent quality time together. My daughter did upset me but I stood up for myself and I moved on from it fast and didn’t wallow in it. Sometimes I hold on to hurtful situations but I am learning to say my piece and let go. I have gained 25 pounds since my husband’s death and I am disappointed in myself. I stepped up my workout. I am treadmill ing 30 minutes, bicycling 15 minutes and doing weighs 15 minutes. Also I am watching what I am eating. I know it takes discipline to lose weight and I know I can do it. I refuse to buy bigger clothes. I had a lot of energy today after working out. The farmer’s market starts here in May so I will be able to buy fresh produce. Like anything else, you have to have the desire to succeed. I am hoping we can take in the titanic exhibit this weekend while on our trip. I haven’t had any gambling urges lately. I have kept busy with my yard and house. It looks like I am going to have a lot of strawberries. Yum!
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Well, I am at my daughter’s house and I am leaving for home in about 30 minutes. Our weekend was fun! The spa was amazing and relaxing. We went to the TItanic exhibit. If you ever get a chance to go see it, do! I just can’t explain how incredible it was to see a piece of the TItanic and all the articles that were found in the wreckage. The Love show was amazing. Although I was a young child when the Beatles started, I have always loved them. The dinner we had before the show was so incredible. It was a great weekend. I am ready to go home and relax. No gambling or urges although I was surrounded by casinos. I was so busy to think about it!
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Well, I am at my daughter’s house and I am leaving for home in about 30 minutes. Our weekend was fun! The spa was amazing and relaxing. We went to the TItanic exhibit. If you ever get a chance to go see it, do! I just can’t explain how incredible it was to see a piece of the TItanic and all the articles that were found in the wreckage. The Love show was amazing. Although I was a young child when the Beatles started, I have always loved them. The dinner we had before the show was so incredible. It was a great weekend. I am ready to go home and relax. No gambling or urges although I was surrounded by casinos. I was so busy to think about it!
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Today I went back to the gym. After a 50 min workout I was exhausted! I didn’t do much the rest of the day, unpacked and did laundry. I am going to the city on Friday to pick my Grandson up from school and he is spending the weekend with me. My Daughter is going to Mexico with friends for the weekend. My youngest Daughter called me to tell me that my Sister is trying to sell her home. She is having big time money issues. I don’t know what is going on with her as we aren’t talking. I thought of calling her but have decided against it as she wouldn’t want me getting into her business. She is supposed to come here the end of May. We might get together for lunch. My Mom knew about her selling her home but doesn’t know why she is having money issues. Anyways, I think it is better for me not to get involved although I am worried about her. I am going to take my Mom to all you can eat crab night at a nearby restaurant tomorrow night. Nothing else going on here. More flowers are blooming in my yard. It has been so windy here since I have been home that I haven’t spent a lot of time outdoors. Maybe it will calm down tomorrow so I can pull some more weeds. I hope everyone had a great day!!
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Today I went back to the gym. After a 50 min workout I was exhausted! I didn’t do much the rest of the day, unpacked and did laundry. I am going to the city on Friday to pick my Grandson up from school and he is spending the weekend with me. My Daughter is going to Mexico with friends for the weekend. My youngest Daughter called me to tell me that my Sister is trying to sell her home. She is having big time money issues. I don’t know what is going on with her as we aren’t talking. I thought of calling her but have decided against it as she wouldn’t want me getting into her business. She is supposed to come here the end of May. We might get together for lunch. My Mom knew about her selling her home but doesn’t know why she is having money issues. Anyways, I think it is better for me not to get involved although I am worried about her. I am going to take my Mom to all you can eat crab night at a nearby restaurant tomorrow night. Nothing else going on here. More flowers are blooming in my yard. It has been so windy here since I have been home that I haven’t spent a lot of time outdoors. Maybe it will calm down tomorrow so I can pull some more weeds. I hope everyone had a great day!!
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Well, it is another windy day here!! I didn’t work out this morning as I didn’t sleep well last night. I know have red, light pink and dark pink roses in my front and side yards. Beautiful!! I went to the eye doctor today for a exam and I will be getting my first pair of prescription glasses. I have been wearing readers for awhile but decided to get some real glasses. My prescription is light but I will be able to see better as my vision is different in each eye. I picked out some cute frames and they will be done in about 2 weeks. He dilated my eyes and they are healthy which is good as a lot of my family members have had eye diseases. I don’t know why but I have been in a little bit of a funk lately. I am not having gambling urges but I feel restless. I am going to the city tomorrow to pick my Grandson up from school and we are spending the weekend together. He will get me out of my mood. I hope everyone is having a great gamble free day!!
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Liz sorry that you are in a bit of a funk, it is not very often that I read your post and see that. I wonder if it’s the adjustment of not having your grandson to look after as often. It’s amazing how their smiles, excitement and enthusiasm are contagious and lifts our spirits. I am sure that you will be feeling much better tomorrow once you see your grandson and spend some time with him.
It’s wonderful that your roses are coming out. I love to see lots of flowers blooming. We are waiting for our spring flowers to come through, our daffodils, tulips etc. The weather is starting to warm up here and it will soon be time for me to get out working in the garden and pulling weeds. I just find it lots of work and it would help if I lost some weight and get in better shape. You are doing awesome Liz in moving forward with your new life. All we need to do is take it one day at a time!!! -
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Well, today was interesting. My bank was acquired by another bank this weekend. The takeover didn’t go well. The bank parking lot was full I couldn’t do online or phone banking and the customer support number couldn’t take any more calls so I had to leave a message which may be answered within 24 hours. I checked my balances at the atm I will go in later this week to the bank or maybe my call will be returned. It will be straightened out. I had a great weekend with my Grandson. I spent the night in the city and came home this morning. My sister invited me to her house yesterday but I declined as my Grandson and I were busy getting him new shoes and a haircut. We can get together some time soon. Nothing else going on here I am enjoying my yard and space. I hope everyone is having a great gamble free day!
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I went to the gym this morning. I am not seeing results fast enough but that is the impatient side of me. I am not going to give up. I didn’t put on the pounds on in one day. It’s going to take time to get into shape. My mother invited me over for dinner this evening. It is another windy day here making it impossible to work in the yard. I am doing a few things around the house today and the place is beginning to look more my style. I haven’t had any gambling urges lately and that makes me happy as I don’t need that complicating life.
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I am being lazy today, watching movies. The one I am watching now is about the afterlife. I had the strangest experience yesterday. The computer guy was here for 3 hours and never worked on my computer. He took it to his shop and I should have it by Wednesday. While he did talk computer stuff (viruses) he broke down and talked about his 20 year old son who died. Obviously he needed someone to listen to him. I didn’t really say much. I just listened to him and he seemed less stressed when he left. My sister sold her house to investors and has to be out in 2 weeks. She is moving in with a friend for awhile. Most of her belongings are going into storage. I offered to drive down tomorrow morning and pick up her plants and bring them home with me as she can’t take them with her. I will have a visit with my youngest daughter while I’m there. My oldest daughter and grandson will be here tomorrow evening. I talked to my Mom this morning and she was in one of her mean moods so I kept it short and won’t see her today. I am learning to keep the boundaries up and not subject myself to her hurtful ways. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point where I walk away from her and don’t feel guilt. Nothing else going on. I ught I had purchased everything for our barbeque on Sunday but I the rolls. I’ll make a trip later today to pick some up. Have a wonderful mother’s day everyone!
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I hope everyone had a great mother’s day. My was fantastic. I spent it with my daughter, grandson and mother. 4 generations together. We made a delicious dinner and had a good time together. It is always hard when my daughter and grandson have to leave. They would love to live here but it is hard to find a good paying job. My grandson told me that I was lucky that I live here. Moving here was hard but the right decision. I love it! I worked out this morning and I am here at home now. I need to some cleaning. I have a paralegal coming over tomorrow morning to prepare some legal documents for my Mom and I. That’s a good thing about living in a small town, almost everyone will come to you. Also, we have the cleanest streets. The street cleaner comes weekly. I haven’t had any gambling urges lately. When I read other posts about gambling it makes me sad but keeps me on board with my recovery. A relapse can happen to any of us. We need to implement barriers and not become complacent. We all deserve to have peace in our lives. I pray for all of us to have the strength to fight this addiction.
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Liz you are doing amazing and I love the contentment in your posts. I find that when I read your posts there is a serenity in them. I know that there are times when you post that something has happened that has upset you, but you seem to be able to let it go quickly. How lovely to have 4 generations together, that really is special. It sounds as if you made the right move for you when you moved to a smaller community. I am sure that it makes it extra special for your grandson when he visits you. Enjoy your gamble free day Liz!!!!
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Thanks cat for your post. I have been trying to spend more time reading other’s posts and responding. I feel like I haven’t been real supportive to others here The last 14 months have been real hard but I am starting to come out of the fog and function some what normally. I was thinking today about how gambling is still affecting my life. I am going to talk candidly. For those who do not know me well, please do not take any of this as bragging. That is not me. When I received my husband’s life insurance, I was scared of gambling it all away. It really frightened me. I bought major items out right and paid off all debts. I put remaining monies in investment accounts that are harder to get to. I still don’t totally trust myself. I have had slips in the past and I can’t afford to ruin my financial life. I will never be cured. I live one day at a time. Oh, tomorrow I will get my computer back. It is a lot easier to use than this kindle. Today was busy. The paralegal came this morning and my Mom and I will get all of our documents in a week. So, that is done. I am going to the city next week to sign the final papers pertaining to the probate so my lawyer can see the judge and have the estate closed. That will be a lot off of my shoulders. I picked up my new glasses. My first pair ever. I can see now! Lol!!! Take care everyone and have a gamble free day.
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Hi Lizbeth
Thank you for your post to me.. not in a good place right now but i just have to get through the days again. Time will heal as they say and this may take a whole lot of time… pretty devastated but the posts from everyone helps lift my spirits so thank you for thinking of me.. glad to see you are going so well in your gamble free life.. well doneP
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P, I’ve been thinking of you all day. Hang in there! My friend just emailed me of a death of a acquaintance. Some of you may remembered that after my husband died I had a series of bad things happen to me. I still think it was a test to see how much I could take. Well, during that time my car stopped working. My friend introduced me to a mechanic who turned out to be my Angel. He knew that the engine was shot and he called nissan and found out that it was covered by a recall. I had a new engine put in by nissan. The mechanic wouldn’t even charge me for looking at my car. I sent him a card with some money in it as I found out that his wife had cancer and he was having a rough time financially. He called my friend in tears as he couldn’t believe that I did that for him. Well, his wife died recently. She was the Love of his life. I told my friend to tell him that I am here if wants to talk. I know how he is feeling. I was a little pissy this afternoon as the computer guy won’t have my computer done till tomorrow morning. But that means nothing now and is so insignificant. In the end all that matters is how we live our life and who we love, our family and friends.
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Hi Lizbeth, I for one love that you continue to post. Monday, I was going to post on the “what was good about my day.” and share my great mother’s day weekend. I saw that I was the last one to post, and also thought about everyone who was suffering that weekend because of gambling and then I didn’t post. I think it was similar to our mom thing. How I didn’t want to talk about how good my life was when she was clearly so miserable. This site is not judging me like my mother. I believe everyone wants to pick us up when we are down, but they also want to celebrate our successes. Because at the end of the day, we believe in recovery…we want recovery to win…and we are all in this together!
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Thanks ican for your post. I think that I posted on my thread yesterday but I don’t know where the post is. Very strange!!!! I did some errands today and some yard work. Nothing that exciting. I am still trying to adjust to my new glasses. I was told that it would take a couple of weeks. I have appointments in the city next week to have the 15,000 mile check up on my car and to sign the papers for the lawyer. I will spend the night with my Daughter and Grandson. My ex-son-in-law graduated last night and now is a licensed electrician. He worked hard to get his degree and I am so proud of him. I have no plans this weekend. I am staying home and doing yard work. The annual rodeo is in town this weekend and it becomes a mad house in this town. I have my computer back but the computer guy is coming back next week as there are a few things that he needs to fix. It is running a lot better!!! I did find a fishing buddy (computer guy). He has lived here for 15 years and I am sure he knows all the fishing spots. I may take him up on the offer!!! I have felt a little edgy today. I don’t feel like gambling but I feel bored and not content. I will get out of this mood.
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Thanks ican for your post. I think that I posted on my thread yesterday but I don’t know where the post is. Very strange!!!! I did some errands today and some yard work. Nothing that exciting. I am still trying to adjust to my new glasses. I was told that it would take a couple of weeks. I have appointments in the city next week to have the 15,000 mile check up on my car and to sign the papers for the lawyer. I will spend the night with my Daughter and Grandson. My ex-son-in-law graduated last night and now is a licensed electrician. He worked hard to get his degree and I am so proud of him. I have no plans this weekend. I am staying home and doing yard work. The annual rodeo is in town this weekend and it becomes a mad house in this town. I have my computer back but the computer guy is coming back next week as there are a few things that he needs to fix. It is running a lot better!!! I did find a fishing buddy (computer guy). He has lived here for 15 years and I am sure he knows all the fishing spots. I may take him up on the offer!!! I have felt a little edgy today. I don’t feel like gambling but I feel bored and not content. I will get out of this mood.
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Take it easy with the fishing buddy, Lizbeth…is that the guy who came to fix your computer and offloaded all his sorrow about his son?
I’ve come across a few of those in my day!
Not being judgemental…..jusy sayin!(He might turn out to be lovely of course!) Bring a third person with you!!!
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Thanks Vera for your post. I probably would never go fishing with the computer guy, but it was nice for him to ask. It would only be as friends as I have no interest in men right now. I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t feel like it is the wrong thing to do but I still have so much of my husband with me that I can’t go there yet!! Maybe someday I will find someone to spend the rest of my life with. If it is supposed to happen it will. I am alright with being alone. Today I made tacos for my Mother and I. I am going to do some watering this evening and start cleaning the windows (outside). I am still feeling a little bored and edgy but I am not having gambling urges. I have plenty to keep me busy. I have 3 books downloaded on my kindle. Tomorrow I want to get up early and pull some more weeds in the backyard. I was feeling lazy earlier today and didn’t get to it. I hope that everyone is having a great weekend.
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I slept in this morning. I am still not sleeping well, but it is improving. I worked yesterday evening in the yard and pulled weeds and watered. There is still much to do. I washed all the windows on one side of the house. I need to take the screens off and wash them also. I have no plans today but to drop by my Mom’s house and see how she is doing. She has good days and bad days. While she is very active physically, her memory and sometimes mental state seems to not be so good. I am still trying to figure out if it is old age or something more. I guess time will tell. I am still trying to keep my life separate from hers as much as I can and I make time for myself. I can’t get drawn back into the her world as it is not healthy for me. When I feel like she is trying to control me, I keep my distance. I know that I can only allow her to continue to behave the way she does with me. I am dreading the time when she can no longer care for herself. I don’t want to sound selfish but honestly I don’t know if I could care for her on a permanent basis. This has been in my mind a lot because of what Carol is going through concerning her Mother. A lot to think about!
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I am still in a mental funk today. I am feeling blue. I visited with my Mother for a few hours and I am had home now. I have no desire to do anything. I tried to go online to a widows site that I joined after my husband’s death and it was too much for me. I think I am depressed. My life is so different now! I had a thought of gambling today but the urges aren’t strong. I won’t gamble. I will be alright. I think it is just something that I have to go through. I am missing my Daughter and Grandson although they were here last weekend and my Grandson and I talked on the phone 2 days ago. I will be glad to see them on Tuesday. I have so much to do here, inside and outside but I have no desire to do anything. I think I will find a movie to watch. I am just real blue today. It will get better!!1
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My mental funk is lifting. I worked out this morning and I am feeling better mentally. I noticed that I have lost a few inches as my clothes are fitting better. I was thinking of my husband today when I was purchasing some men’s tee-shirts. I prefer to work out in them as they are roomer and longer to cover my butt as I wear workout shorts. They had a pocket and that was how my husband liked his tee-shirts. The memories of him come out of nowhere. I really have been missing him lately. I think this is normal and I am just working through the feelings, whether they be happy or sad. That’s all I can do. I am off for the city tomorrow as I have a few appointments to take care of. I will be glad to see my daughters and grandson. School is almost out and my grandson will be spending more time with me. The summer day camps here are costly. He will be going half the month to camp and the other half he will stay with me. I am planning some day trips for us so he doesn’t get bored and we can see some cool things together!!!!
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Well , I am at the car dealers. It will take 2 hours to get the scheduled maintenance done. My service Davidson’s voice was raspy so I asked him if he wasn’t feeling well. He has throat cancer and is doing chemotherapy. I had to try and compose myself. In fact I went outside later and cried. Although I have only known him a year and don’t know him well, he is a nice man. So sad.
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Well, this visit isn’t going as planned. I am asking my friends here to keep my family in their thoughts and prayers today. I know this is a forum dedicated to gambling and recovery but I feel like I have many friends here and I would cherish your prayers at this time. My youngest adult daughter is missing. She decided to go down a wrong path in her life (addiction) and isn’t ready to receive help. I and another family member have constant contact with her and for the last 5 days nothing. We have gone to her friend’s homes looking for her. We went to the last place she lived and no one knows where she is at. I know she isn’t in jail or a hospital as I have called everyone. This is so out of character for her. The police don’t seem concerned as she is basically another addict and a adult who doesn’t want to be found. I am scared and at my wits end. My oldest daughter had a biking accident, 1 week ago and went to the urgent care and was released. Yesterday I took her to the emergency room as her leg and foot were swollen 4 times their size. She has many deep lacerations on that leg from her fall. Nothing is broken and there is no infection present. The doctor said the swelling and fluid build up are from the trama to her leg. It is wrapped up and I am icing her leg and foot. I won’t be going home for a few days and when I do, I will take my Grandson home with me as school is out tomorrow. I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about my daughters fate. I am so scared!!!
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Hello Lizbeth. I don’t think I have written on your thread before, although I have read your posts. (I am a volunteer with GT and mother of a cg). My heart just went out to you as I read this latest post and I wanted to say I will certainly be keeping you in my thoughts and standing with you for the safety of your daughter.
Best wishes,
Monique
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I will pray for the safe return of your daughter, and you and your family as you are going through this terrible time. I just can’t imagine what it is like for you right now. The more I get to know so many wonderful people here and the challenges that we face with this gambling addiction, and then to hear about their family members who also have addictions they are dealing with. I am realizing more and more what addictions do to everyone when I read your post.
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Thank you Monique and Cat for your posts. I haven’t heard anything from my youngest daughter. I am going home tomorrow and taking my grandson home with me. Tomorrow his is last day of school, half day. I have a relative and a friend of my daughter here in the city looking for her. We have put out feelers with anyone who knows her. I am so worried!! I know this addiction doesn’t have happy endings. She has been living a dangerous life. I wish she would re-surface so I could hear her voice again. I am praying!! My other daughter is feeling a little better and the swelling in her foot and leg is lessening. I think that she needs to rest this long holiday weekend. I slept with my grandson on his bunk bed last night, his request. He asked me to take him home with me tomorrow. That was the bright note in my life right now. Oh, my heart is racing, where could she be???
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All I can say is that my heart goes out to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Liz it really makes me wonder how much can one person take as you have been through so much. I just pray that you hear from your daughter soon. I wish we could wave a magic wand and cure everyone with addictions. I am so glad that your grandson is going home with you as it will keep you busy and I know that just him being with you is a comfort.
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Cat thank you for your supportive post. You are such a sweet woman. Your words do bring me comfort. I woke early with a severe headache. I am posting before I wake my daughter and grandson. My daughters haven’t been talking for some time now due to my youngest daughter’s lifestyle and hurtful things she has done. I feel like I have to keep my emotions inside as not to upset my grandson and my oldest daughter doesn’t want to talk about her sister. I’m not having a good feeling about this. I’m so scared but I can’t fall apart. If this wern’t enough, there are 3 wildfires in my state right now. The smallest is about 40 miles from my new home. It has been windy which is fueling the fires. There is a change that we might have some rain the next few days. I sure hope so. I feel like I am such a downer right now. I am trying to hang on to anything positive. I feel like I can say anything here and not be judged. I am hanging on to hope.
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Hi Liz
You are being amazing – I am not surprised you feel you are on a downer with so much worry.
I pray your daughter will be found soon and found well. As a mother it is important that you stay strong for both of your daughters and your grandson, as a CG it is important you stay strong for you.
I am glad you are finding strength from your friends here – there is a great deal of love being sent to you.
Keep posting
Velvet -
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Liz I am thinking of you and praying that you hear something soon. It must be like torture what you are going through right now. This is one of those time when I think why, why, why. We also know that when we are in thrones of our gambling addiction our minds are not clear and so it is with your daughter. She is not doing this to hurt you or anyone as it her addiction that is in control of her right now. God help her. Liz keep posting as you need the support of your friends here at this time.
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Thanks everyone for your support! I heard early this morning that my daughter was at one of her friend’s house. The person telling me this missed her by 5 mins. So she is alive!!! I am relieved that she is alive, but confused as to why she isn’t communicating with me and other family members and why she disappeared for days. Something isn’t right!! She is almost in a paranoid state. I know that she is messing with some bad drugs and that is concerning. In my mind, I sent her the biggest hug. I know at some point that she will contact me. Yesterday a young woman’s body was found in the city and I was overwhelmed with fear. I couldn’t find the courage to all the police and see if it was my daughter. My oldest daughter made the call and we found out it wasn’t her. Addiction is such a monster. It takes a person and makes them do things that they thought they would never do. My family is full of addicts, gamblers, alcoholics, drug users. It is so sad! My oldest daughter fought addiction and has been clean for 18 months now. She goes to support groups and counseling as she knows that relapse can happen anytime. I have watched her struggle but stay clean and turn her life around. She has a beautiful son, a terrific job, and many friends who cherish her. She told me yesterday that she was there for me whatever the outcome with her sister. She told me that she was so sorry for being a selfish addict and that she could never comprehend how horrible it was for me, her mother. She asked me to forgive her and that she loved me. That brought me to tears. She and I have gone full circle. Good news: the fire that is burning about 40 miles from me is almost contained. My grandson woke up not feeling well. A virus was going through his classroom and a lot of the kids missed the last few days of school. So, he is resting and grandma is taking good care of him!!!
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Hello again. That is good news and I am so happy for you. I know there are still a lot of things that are not yet good, but thank you for telling us about the ‘rediscovery’ of your daughter. It must have been so awful when that other young woman was found dead – we would want to send our love to her family.
Some good things are happening for you and your older daughter – that is inspiring. Let’s hope your youngest will make the right choices for a better way of life, too.
All good wishes,Monique
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So relieved to hear your daughter is ok and sad for the person who died.. addiction is so crazy. I am struggling badly, i am glad to read you are ok though and you are getting through back with your little grandson, wow what a difference you make to his life.
You should be so proud of how far you have come.P
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Monique and P, thanks for your posts. My heart does go out to the family of the young woman who died. It was hard enough losing my husband. I can’t imagine losing a child. I can’t even think of whats going on in my daughter’s head. I know she loves her family but at this point the drugs are her life. I hope she contacts me soon. Cat, I ask myself why? all the time. For along time, I carried a lot guilt that both of my daughter’s were addicts. I worked through it with counseling and both of my daughter’s have told me that I did nothing to cause them to do drugs. That I was a good Mom and that they made the choice to live that lifestyle. It’s still is hard to take. I pray that she won’t die of a overdose or a violent crime. She has been arrested for petty crimes and I left her in jail once for 2 weeks. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I thought she would not want to return and would straighten out her life but I was wrong. All the attempts to try to get her to go to rehab have failed but I won’t stop trying. Hopefully she will want to try at some point.
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Liz thank God she is okay. I sometimes feel that they should take everyone with an addiction to gambling, drugs and/or alcohol and put us all on an island where we can’t have access to any of these things and leave us there until we are clean. It sounds a bit excessive and would not cure any of us because as soon as we were back to our old life with access to our addiction we would then be able to start again. I hope and pray that your daughter will find strength and guidance to get help with her addiction. We know it is not easy and that it has to come from within herself. No matter the addiction and having family or friends wanting us to stop we have to want it ourselves. I am sure you will sleep better now Liz knowing that she is okay.
Liz, thanks for your post on my thread I have read it a few times and I will answer it there. -
Cat, Thanks for your post. I did sleep better but I always have that constant fear in the back of my mind that something will happen to her. I know that she has to want to change her life but the longer she is in this madness, I fear that she will never want to change. It is something that I have to learn to deal with. All I can do is tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. This weekend isn’t going as planned. My grandson and I are sick. A virus was going through his class and I think we have it. Basically we have been just resting. I am making sure that we are drinking plenty of fluids so we don’t get dehydrated. My sister is coming up to see my Mom on Sunday and Monday. We were supposed to get together but that will have to wait. Oh, my grandson thanked me last night for taking good care of him!!! How sweet is that!! Those little things are what makes my life!!
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HI everyone!! I hope that everyone is having a great gamble free weekend. My Daughter came up last night and we took my Grandson to urgent care as his ear was hurting and he wasn’t feeling any better. The wait was 1 1/2 hours and they asked us to take him to the emergency room instead. We didn’t have to wait there and the diagnosis was that he has a virus and ear infection. They took a chest and stomach x-ray and everything was okay. We did find out that his appendix is turned the opposite way than normal. They said not to be concerned as he was born with it that way. Just to be aware as if he had any problems with it he would have lower back pain instead of side pain and that it could be mistaken for a kidney problem. Very interesting. He is still resting this morning and not feeling hungry. I am making sure that he is drinking a lot of fluids so he is hydrated. I am feeling much better!!! We had a little rain yesterday and there is a chance today. We need it as we have 7 wildfires in our state. The one nearest me was contained. Most of these were caused by humans having illegal camp fires. There has been a alert that no fire are allowed as everything is so dry. But some people obviously don’t care!! One fire has burned over 17,000 acres of beautiful forest. So sad!! I have no plans today. Just staying home and taking it easy. Have a great day everyone.
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My Grandson is feeling about the same. He is only keeping down popcycles and fluids. This stomach virus could take another week to play out. My Daughter has to go back to the city today as she has work tomorrow. It’s okay as he can stay here with me and get better. I am feeling a lot better, just dealing with a headache and sore throat. He will miss his championship baseball playoffs tomorrow but there is no way he could play. I was thinking of my Husband today and it being Memorial Day as he was in the army and fought in a war. He looked real handsome in his uniform. The home next door has a sale pending. I hope I get nice neighbors. I am going to put a 6 foot fence around my backyard. I know have a 4 foot fence and it needs to be replaced. I am waiting for the new people to move in as I have to have the 3 people (sides) sharing the fence with me sign a paper agreeing that I can do this. One of the HOA rules. No problem that I can for see. Well, have a great gamble free day everyone.
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I asked my Mother to come down today and watch my Grandson so I could go to the grocery store. She acts so child-like sometimes. I haven’t been able to spend my usual time with her as I have been sick and I am taking care of my Grandson who is sick. She wasn’t alone this weekend as my Sister came for a visit. I made sure to spend some time with her after I came back from the store. I had taken my car to the city for service last week and she asked me if I was taking it down this week. It seems like I am correcting her on what’s going on as she can’t remember what happened 2 days ago. Anyways, I am feeling a little better and so is my Grandson. Although he isn’t well enough to go to karate camp all day and he is still coughing and I don’t want anyone else to get infected. We are starting to get a little stir crazy being inside all day. I am going to do some watering this evening and he can come outside with me. I think I was getting a little grouchy today as I have played video games and watched cartoons for days now. This is the first time I have been able to get on the computer. Hopefully by the end of this week he will be 100 percent better. My Mom was telling me about she and my Sister going to the casino for breakfast and playing the machines this last weekend. I had a slight craving after she left but quickly squashed it in my mind. I couldn’t go anyways but I could keep playing it in my head and I don’t want to go there.
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Liz I am glad that your Grandson is starting to feel better as it is tough when kids are sick. I hope that he is back to his normal self real soon. It is true when we are home we do get a bit stir crazy, well at least I do. It is interesting that your mother would mention gambling in front of you when she know that you have a problem. I know that when people do mention playing slots/vlts it can cause me to get thoughts and urges so I know to be aware of it. I had to laugh as my sister-in-law, who knows that I don’t play machines as I have a problem, tells me that she and her husband went to the States with one of the gambling specials. One time she handed me a scratch ticket and I said no thanks. I am extremely scared of anything that is an instant winner. I know that when I went to the Addictions counsellor she said that quite often people can have trouble with machines and scratch tickets because it is instant results. I suppose the same could be said for playing card, roulette etc. etc. Anyway, my point is that people just don’t think. I certainly would not talk about alcohol around an alcoholic or give them a drink!!!! I made an appointment to go see a counsellor again as I find that sometimes I just need to go and talk and let it all out!!!! It really seems to help me, and I never know what I am going to talk about before I go in, but all this stuff comes out!!!
I hope that you get nice neighbours as it makes a difference. I am glad that you are going to have your grandson around for the summer as you always seem happier when he is around. I think it is because we enjoy seeing things through the eyes of a child and it is good for us.
Have a wonderful gamble free day!!! -
Thanks Cat for the post. My Mom is a strange one. There is no deep ties between us. She checked out a long time ago. Our relationship is very superfical. I was asked by a friend, whom is a very wise person, if I loved my Mom. Of course I said. Then she asked if I could accept her for who she is? That is what I have been working on. Today for example, when she talked about the casino, I would have been very hurt in the past by her throwing that in my face. I wasn’t even mad about it. She just put the gambling bug in me. I didn’t gamble and I was able to get the urges out of my head. I watered and pulled weeds in my back yard!!!! I think that counseling has helped me deal with our relationship also. There might come a time when I seek help again. It is good for me also to be able to talk to someone and let it all out!!! I am looking forward to having my Grandson for part of the summer and he does make me feel happy. But I am looking forward to having some time for my own interests and I have a lot of things that I want to do around here. I am learning that it’s alright for me to make me happy and putting myself first sometimes. I am getting there!!
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Hi Liz, Thank you for your encouraging post on my thread. I was away all weekend, so I wasn’t able to post or read any posts. I was so glad to read this morning that your daughter is no longer missing!!! I have also been thinking about your unconditional love for your daughter. But also how stressful and painful it is for you. You can’t help but want the best for someone you love so much. I can’t help but think about how hard all of this is on my husband. I don’t mean to hurt him. I would do anything for him, and yet this is what I do instead. He hasn’t talked to me all day. It is hard enough to have let myself down, but almost unbearable that I have let him down once again. I am so glad that your oldest daughter is doing well. For your sake and your grandson’s sake and most of all for her sake. Funny how relationships improve when you take addiction out of the equation.
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Thanks Ican for your post. I hurt a lot of people when I gambled. I mostly hurt myself as it changed me a lot and not in good ways. I did things and treated the people that I loved horridly. I have told the people that I hurt that I am sorry. My oldest Daughter apologized to me while she was in recovery. She gave me her butterfly pin she received at her outpatient ceremony. That pin is very sacred to me!! My youngest Daughter emailed me yesterday. She has been very depressed and hasn’t wanted to talk to anyone. She doesn’t even know or recognize the concern and pain she caused when she disappeared. Using drugs isn’t helping her depression. I am going to try to see her soon so I can put my arms around her and tell her how much I love her. I can’t changed her, she needs to want to change herself. I can only give her my love and let her know that I am here for her. My Grandson slept for 14 hours last night and woke feeling 98 percent better (according to him). I met my Daughter half way and took him to her. He was able to play his final game in the baseball playoffs and my Daughter called to tell me that his team won. I think he was missing his Mommy also as he has been with me for 6 days. Most of that time he was sick. I am almost at 100 percent. I am going to spend the new few days working in the yard pulling weeds and raking. I love the outdoors and admiring my yard when I am all done.
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Liz when I heard about Ken losing his son it made me think of you and how your daughter had been missing. I hope and pray that she finds the strength to face her addiction soon and do something about it. I hate to think of the pain that she must be going through with her addiction, as we know when we are in the thrown of our gambling addiction that we are hurting inside, but don’t want to deal with it, so we keep going and feeding it. We also know that no matter how much we want someone else to stop drinking, doing drugs, gambling or whatever that it does not matter as it has to come from the person who has the addiction. My hubby has said he will stop drinking on Monday, it’s always Monday he has to quit. I should try and be positive about it, but he has told me this so many times and he may stop for two days or so and then he is back to it. He will not go and get support, but I can’t control him so I have to let him do it his own way.
I love when you write about your grandson and I got a chuckle out of his 98% better!!! I love the innocence of kids. That was wonderful that he was able to go to the final game of the play offs for his baseball team, and then for his team to win!!!!
I hope that you see your younger daughter soon and give her that hug and tell her you love her. It is so true when we are in the thrown of our addiction we did not think clearly and ended up hurting people, although it was never intentional. I know that I carry guilt with some of the things I did when I gambled, but I can’t change the past and I have to look forward. Here I am rambling away on your page!!! Have a wonderful gamble free day Liz!!! -
Cat, I woke this morning thinking of Ken and his family and the pain they are going through!! It is unimaginable!!! I have dealt with both of my Daughter’s addictions for years and it is hell!! I used to cry all the time. People didn’t want to be around me because their addictions consumed me. In fact, it affected my health and mental state. My Husband was the only person who could calm me. If finally told me that if I didn’t get help (counseling) he thought that I would die of a heart attack. I started talking to someone about it and I started getting to where I could handle it. I had to put all those fears and thoughts away and lock them up and move on so I could function. I only bring them out once in awhile and I can deal a lot better with it now. I hope that makes sense!!! It doesn’t mean that I don’t care but they are the ones who have control of what they want to do, example rehab. I can’t do that for them. My Grandson’s last game is tonight for the championship. It is finally raining here. Much needed!!! Just sitting on the computer with the front door opened listening to the rain. Very calming.
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I wanted to post a few thoughts I had about my family. My Sister was here last weekend but I didn’t see her as planned. We were sick and she and my Daughter haven’t talked for about 1 year. They were very close but had some sort of big fight. My Daughter doesn’t want my Sister around her or her son. Okay, well I understand all of this but it seems like someone is always fighting in our family. I was kind of happy that things worked out the way they did as I’m not sure that I am ready to see my Sister. I reached out to her as she would never apologize for anything she has done. We have been communicating through texts and honestly I feel like she hasn’t changed. I feel like I have changed and grown. She said a few things that I had to hold back from replying to as it would be another argument. She wants everyone to go along with what she thinks or all hell breaks loose. I can’t do that anymore. My Sister is all my Mom talks about anymore because she started communicating with my Mom again. It’s not all good things that she is saying. She likes the drama and my Sister’s life is full of it!! I finally told her yesterday that I didn’t want to hear about my Sister anymore. I have listen to it for weeks now. That didn’t go over very well and I had to leave my Mom’s as she got very angry that I didn’t want to hear the gossip. In fact she was mean to me!!! So I left and she called today wanting me to come over for lunch. I told her no that I was doing somethings around my home. My family is so dysfunctional!!! I get sad when I hear how some people here are so close to their Mother’s and Sister’s. I will never have that. I have decided to join a grief group which meets on Wednesdays, only for lose of spouse. I only attended 2 meetings in the city and I think it may be beneficial to me and I may meet some nice people. I am going to church on Sunday. I need to stop talking about it and get out there and meet people. I need to find healthy relationships.
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Liz I read your post last night and I was just thinking about how you posted about going to Church on Sunday. I don’t know why but for a while I was going most Sundays and then I stopped again. I feel so much better when I go, but sometimes I just seem to get reclusive, which really is not my normal self. I need to get our more and socialize not just through work. I do a lot of networking at work and I find that sometimes when I get home I don’t want to talk to anyone. I wonder if that is the reason. I have to say that is one of the things that scares me about retiring is missing the social interaction. I know that there are lots of opportunities out there though, but sometimes it’s getting the head round making the commitment.
I think it will be good for you to go out and meet people who understand what it is like to lose a spouse.
I have to say that I admire how well you are dealing with your daughters. I cant imagine how challenging that is for you. I know that when I was younger and my brother who had a drinking problem got into trouble, it was nothing serious, but there was always something. I saw the stress it caused my Mum and I saw her heart was breaking. I dealt with it by putting a barrier around myself as I could not deal with it. I wish I had shown my Mum more compassion to help her deal with it. We always teased her about my brother, her first born and we would say “blue eyes” cant do anything wrong!!! I do have some good memories from childhood, but like all families we were far from perfect. Thanks for letting me share these with you Liz. Have a wonderful gamble free day!!! Do something nice just for you Liz as you do deserve it!!! -
Thanks Cat for your post. As always it brought me comfort. I reread my last post and I think I was having myself a pity party!! Everyone needs one once in awhile. I think my Husband’s death made me open my eyes and realize that life is too short, live it to the fullest. I think it has made me be more honest with myself and I am tired of superficial relationships with family members. I think that I am grieving not having a real relationship with my Mother and Sister. But it is what it is and I will be alright with it. I won’t accept them crossing my boundaries or will I tolerate them taking their own shortcomings out on me. I am learning to give myself some credit as I was thinking today that I have came a long way since my Husband’s death. I lived a certain way for 29 years and then I was forced to find a new way to live. I struggle some days but for the most part I am doing okay. I want to be a healthy person both physically and mentally and I am doing steps to achieve that goal. I am not sure where my life path is going to take me but I am up for meeting new people and learning new things. I want to be the best that I can. I think that is all that I can ask of myself.
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I need to gripe and get things off of my chest so I can move on. My day started off well, I picked my Mother up and we went to the farmer’s market. It was small but awesome. I bought the best tamales there. We returned to my Mother’s house had lunch. She kept mentioning the casino and when were we going?? I told her that I wasn’t going to the casino. Anyways, we ended up going to the grocery store as I invited her to lunch tomorrow and I needed a few things. She stood in back of a car that was trying to back out and I asked her if she didn’t see the car. She took her purse and slammed it in the cart and had the most evil look on her face. I asked her what was wrong? She screamed that she was tired of me being on her back. Well, we made it through the store and I took her home. She tried to talk to me on the way home, like nothing was wrong. I couldn’t even talk to her. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. She had been going on earlier about her neighbor, complaining about really little things. She was getting more and more mad. I asked her if that impacted her life and she said it didn’t but that they were wrong. OMG!!! I am proud of myself that I didn’t get into a screaming match with her. She is so mean and judgemental about everyone!!! I think the real story is that she wanted me to take her to the casino. It’s not going to happen!!! Why would you want to encourage your daughter to do something that she has a addiction to??? I DIDN’T GAMBLE!!!
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I admire how you are going in recovery.. i am hanging on to any inspiration i can get.. things are bad and i am praying i get through. Starting again. I look at you and cat, and kathryn and so many others that give me inspiration.. everyone does, the ones who have not relapsed, the ones who come back when they do and keep trying.. i respect everyone for trying… cant find much respect for myself right now though.. but glad there are people like you here who offer me some kind words, they were appreciated thank you
P
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P, I just posted on your new thread. Keep trying!!! I read my last post and I it made me sad and it made me put things into prospective about my family. There are some real big issues there. Things that some of my family say to each other wouldn’t be tolerated if a stranger was saying them. I don’t have to tolerate that bad behavior as I am a adult now, not a child. My Mother has a uncontrollable temper and has fits of rage. I will walk away from here when she acts inappropriately She will not change. Everything is someone else’s fault with her as with my Sister. I think it is the easy way out in not accepting being at fault. Very unhealthy. I mourn what I won’t have: a healthy relationship with my Mother and Sister. I can sit and cry and keep having my pity parties or I can do something about it. I am determined to live a healthy life. I will have superficial relationships with them but I will have my boundaries up. I am lucky to have good friends and my daughters and grandson. I feel blessed!
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I haven’t been doing anything real exciting the last few days. I am working out every morning which is good and today I attended a learn and luncheon hosted by my realtor. It was interesting as they talked about the different financing available and I learned a few things. They also had a credit repair person there and I learned a few new things there also. There was only 8 people in attendance. They offer 1 class a month/free. I felt good that I went and talked to some new persons. Tomorrow I am getting a mani/pedi, long overdue. I made appointments for my yearly physcial and my yearly with the cardiologist also. So, I guess I have been busy and productive. I am watering my front and side yards now. I haven’t had any gambling for the last few days. Believe me they do come and go!! I think it is easier for me to squash the urges as time goes by!! I hope everyone has had a great gamble free day!!!
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Liz, Thank you for the birthday wish. It was one of my best birthdays ever! Well, except for the fact that I was still haunted by my gambling the weekend before. And, yet, it reminded me that there are healthy escapes from reality.
Someone posted this on facebook and for some reason I felt I wanted to share it with you. lol
Some family trees
have beautiful leaves
and some have just a bunch of nuts.
Remember, it
is the nuts that make the tree worth shaking! ~ Author Unknown
On a more serious note, I pray for your youngest daughter daily. I hate that addictions seem to run in families. At least, in my family it seems to be the case. I honestly believe that the most unselfish thing we can do is to selfishly work on ourselves, our lives, and our recovery so that when our loved ones need us, we will be able to answer the call. You have been there for your family, Liz, and you have recreated your own life as well. Not an easy thing to do. And, for that, you should be very, very proud. As Larry used to say, God Speed.
Larry, we miss you! -
Thanks Ican for your post! 2 nights ago my youngest daughter and her boyfriend showed up at my home. They both want to detox from the drugs. They know they can’t do it together. He went back to the city and she stayed here with me. This is only the first step but at least she is trying. We have been down this road about 7 times before and she has always relapsed but that is normal. It takes us a while to get it. She is sleeping a lot but the next days will be the hardest. She will be mostly sleeping and I can tell she is getting more irritable. This time she knows she needs meetings and counseling too. I have prior appointments in the city next week and I will be gone for 2 1/2 days. She will go to my Mother’s house and stay. We talked to my Mom and she is on board to help in anyway she can. I am so thankful that she is wanting to get clean. I am trying not to put any expectations on this as I know it can go the other way real fast. She can leave at any time. But for now she is here and trying. That’s all I can ask for.
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Liz, I cried when I read your last post as it is a step in the right direction. She is trying and we all know that it is hard to find the strength and courage to fight an addiction. I pray with all my heart that she will find the strength to get through this. We know that it is only the person with the addiction that can change things. I am glad that she is not giving up trying as one time she will get it right.
My hubby is trying to fight his addiction right now and I know it is not easy for him. I don’t mention drinking to him as that is how he deals with it best. It is not the way I would deal with it, but I have to leave him to do it his own way. I understand what you say about not trying to put any expectations on it as I am the same with my hubby. I pray that he can do it this time. He has tried a number of times before, but I think this is the longest he has gone for a long time- 4 days. I am holding my breath as the weekend is coming up, but all I can do is pray for him to find the strength. -
Hi that is such great news about your daughter, i am so glad to hear that.. Addiction sucks the life out of us as we all know. Cant really judge her its like trying to stop gambling its just another addiction. Ive tried for five years and im only early days again. The good thing is she is trying again, you are so so supportive to everyone Liz, they all seem to come to you in times of trouble, youve been through a lot already… I hope they can offer you the same support.
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Thanks P and Cat for your support. My daughter woke and went to the post office with me and we cleaned my car. We had a good lunch. She came home and went back to bed. She was real cranky with me but I already knew that would happen once the drugs started getting out of her system. It is going to get worse before it gets better. Her boyfriend called and she wasn’t too happy with him. I don’t know what is going on there. I bought her some vitamins and she is taking them and I went grocery shopping and she has everything she asked for to eat. I am praying for the best!! There is a strawberry festival this weekend in a nearby town. My Mother and I are going to it tomorrow. My Daughter probably won’t feel up to it and that is okay as she can sleep while I am gone. I am feeling a little stressed but I am sleeping well and taking care of myself. I am praying that this is the time she follows through with her fight against her addiction.
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My Daughter white knuckled it all this evening and she couldn’t take it anymore and she asked me to take her back to the city. Ordinarily, I would have begged and said almost anything to keep her here but I knew it wouldn’t change anything. We packed up her stuff in the car and I took her to the city and left her at a friend’s house. Before I left, I hugged her and held her so tight. I didn’t want to let her go!!! We both cried. I told her that I was here for her and to not give up on herself. My heart feels so sad and heavy. I said that I wouldn’t be upset if she didn’t follow through with the detox, but I cried all the way home. I kept thinking of all the bad things that can happen to her. I am so emotionally drained!! I HATE ADDICTIONS!!! WHY????? I am praying that God will look after her!!!!
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So, I am in the city as planned to take my Grandson to take the gifted test for school both today and tomorrow. I woke yesterday with a bad cold. Feeling yucky. I am very concerned for my youngest Daughter. She has text me a few times saying that she doesn’t want to live because her boyfriend dumped her. I called her and we had a long conversation. He sat in my home recently with this long sincere speach how they needed to get clean and how much he loved her. He is a manipulator and the relationship is toxic. I just don’t like that kind of talking as it is real concerning to me. How can I reinforce to my Daughter that she is worth so much more than this man when she is strung out on drugs??? Very sad.
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Liz I feel for you and it must be hell for you right now that your daughter decided to go back to the city. I will pray that she is shown the way to a life without drugs. I wonder if it would have helped if she had been in a residential place for addictions. I think the fact that she came to you to asking your help shows she knows that you are there for her. It must have been heart breaking to drop her at her friends when all you wanted to do was hold her and take her home and protect her from the drug addiction. I believe the fact that she tried shows that it is something she wants to do, but as we know addictions have a strong hold on us. I pray that she will not give up on herself and will try again soon. I so hate addictions and what they do to the person and their loved ones.
My husband went 5 days without drinking then he had beer on Saturday and Sunday. I don’t know how to handle it as I was annoyed that he drank again. This morning I asked him if he was going to try again (he always has to start on a Monday) and he said yes. We will see what happens though. It is interesting how my addiction has helped me in some ways though. He told me that he was not planning to drink on Sunday, but I had annoyed him. I told him not to put it on my shoulders. I would have accepted that before that I had caused it, but I am a bit smarter now. He is a functioning alcoholic and he works and is at home in the evening drinking. It is so much more difficult for you as your daughter is not at home so it is more stressful what you are going through. I pray to God that she will find the path to recovery and until she does that she is kept safe. I believe we can never give up hope. (((Liz))) -
Dear (((Liz)))! I don’t often post these days due to not having internet at my place and keeping busy, but I wanted to post to you. I’m so sorry about your youngest daughter being a drug addict, and being lost when it comes to recovery. You mentioned she had been in a treatment program prior, and so many people that aren’t addicts think that a stay in a treatment centre will “cure” addicts. It takes as many times in treatment and detox, as it takes. It takes as much help and support as it takes to get into recovery and then to maintain recovery. As compulsive gamblers we know that! We have learned about what recovery looks like and what barriers we need to put in to work our recovery. To me these are the things that people need to learn as building blocks to a true foundation to recovery. When I went into residential treatment, I didn’t get how important some things were to recovery. It was only through Ken L and GT, that I learned what I needed to do, and that took me years of online support before I could grasp some really important concepts. I wonder if there is a wonderful site for people with drug problems where they too can work a recovery program online? I understand that you must be worried sick about your daughter, and no one can blame you. I pray she finds exactly the right help she needs soon. Your BFF! Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post. I appreciate your support and thoughts. My daughter has to want to get clean and she needs to do it for herself. She isn’t ready yet. But I am hopeful that she will be one day. I pray for her. The testing went well today for my Grandson. He knew all the answers but one He was quite impressive as he introduced himself to the woman administrating the test and shook her hand. Very grown up for a 8 year old. The last of the testing will be tomorrow. I have a appointment for a physical Wednesday and then I am going home I thought I was having allergy problems but it is a cold I am taking medicine and resting now as my daughter is home from work. Hopefully I will be better tomorrow.
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I have been sick with a real bad cold. Only today did I start feeling better and decided to post. I am getting better and I need to do some grocery shopping as my Grandson will be with be for 3 weeks as my Daughter will be in Peru. She was told recently by the man who sub-leases his apartment to her that he needs the apartment back in September. When she gets back from Peru we will be packing and I am helping her look for a house. Always something going on!!! My youngest Daughter has text me several times saying that she was okay. Nothing else going on.
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I finally went and bought some food today. Even though my Mother offered to go to the store for me, I didn’t want to get her sick so I did with what I had. I have lost 7 pounds in the last week. Not a healthy way to do it!!! I don’t get it, my Mother called every morning at 7am to see if I was feeling better and woke me up. I felt like screaming!!! She probably wants to go to the casino!!! Really!!! Anyways I am on the mend and I haven’t had any gambling urges lately!!! Have a good weekend everyone.
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Glad to read you are recovering Lizbeth! Seven pounds is a lot to lose in one week!
One thing stuck me about your recent posts. You are bending over backwards to help your daughter, yet you refuse to take the help your own mother offers! Interesting!
My heart went out to you reading about your daughter coming to seek help and then disappearing before she made enough progress! There is a line in a poem that I love and that came to mind when I read your story…
“Lord, thou art hard on mothers!
We suffer in their coming and their going.” -
Thanks Vera for your post. It is always good hearing from you. Mine and my Mother’s relationship is so complicated. I am trying to work through it and sort it out and let things go as I don’t want any regrets when she is gone. I always feel like she has a motive for everything she does. I guess I don’t feel like she is genuine. So, it is hard for me to ask her for anything. I always felt like I was bothering her even when I was a child and depended on her. As for my Daughter’s and Grandson, they are the loves of my life. I would do almost anything for them. I receive so much love and joy from them. I am in contact with my youngest Daughter and even though her situation makes my heart hurt, I know her recovery is in her hands. One day at a time!! I felt well enough to go down to my Mother’s for about 2 hours to visit. My cousin is on her way here to stay with my Mom for 2 days. My Mother said they were going to the casino and asked if I wanted to come. See Vera, this is another reason that there is no trust there. She keeps throwing gambling in my face. Who does that?? Especially when she knows that I have a problem. I told her no! I am home now and I am going to do a little cleaning. I am picking up my Grandson on Thursday and I am planning a few day trips for us. I know that I can only change myself. I tolerate a lot of my Mother’s actions as she is my only living parent and I guess I am from the old school in that I believe that you should respect your parents. It doesn’t mean that I can’t disagree and I am getting better at distancing myself when she is out of control and hurtful. It is complicated!!! I am doing what is the best for me. I think that is a big step within itself!!
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Well, I finally have time to post and catch up reading posts also. My cousin was here from the city for 3 days. It was good to see her and spend some time with her. She has a friend who has in a house in southern California, right by the ocean. I am invited for a few days the later part of August. Tomorrow I pick up my Grandson as my Daughter will be going to Peru. I am also meeting with my mortgage broker to finish the pre qualifing papers. I have decided to buy a home in the city. My Daughter (Grandson) will be leasing it from me. I had been thinking of buying something for a investment and now that she has to move it is the time. It’s exciting!!!! So I spent most of the morning getting the paperwork together that he requested and copying everything for our meeting tomorrow. My house is clean and ready for my time with my Grandson. We are going on a few day trips, swimming, and playing games together. I have all of his favorite foods also. LOL!!! I haven’t had any urges lately. I am keeping busy and I am happy. I couldn’t ask for more.
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It brings me great joy to read your post and how well life is going for you. It gives me inspiration that with one day at a time, I too, will have years of gambling behind me and days of joy in front of me.
Have a great time with your grandson and good luck with your the paperwork for your house.
-Jack
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Thanks Jack for your post. I brought all the paperwork to my meeting this afternoon and tomorrow I will have the pre qualifying paper and all the details such as the interest rate, etc My daughter’s apartment was nothing but chaos. She wasn’t done packing. I picked up my Grandson from karate camp and he spent some time with his Mommy before we came back to my house. Well , she is on her way to Peru and we are at my house making plans on what we are going to do for almost 3 weeks. We are coming up with all kinds of things. Time for bed so I can recharge myself for tomorrow.
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Today has flown by. We made a trip to Walmart. My Daughter and her friend spent 9 hours in the airport to be told that their flight had been canceled. They are flying out tomorrow instead.. 9 months in the making and they are supposed to meet the tour group tomorrow in Peru. Hopefully it will all work out. I made my Grandson his favortie meal of spaghetti and meatballs. I am in the process of faxing paperwork back to the mortgage company. They are trying to get everything in order so it goes through the underwrited successfully. So, I am sure that it will be a back and forth game for awhile. I am hopeful that it will all be ironed out by the time my Daughter returns from her trip and we can start house hunting. In the long run it is worth it as my Grandson will have stability and will be able to grow up in this house and not have to move around, rentals. The public pool (our only one) is closed today, Sundays, and Mondays. Very strange schedule. We are going swimming tomorrow. This evening we are going on a walk. I told my Grandson that every evening we are going to exercise by taking a walk. He is up for it!!! I am still not at 100% with this cold. I still have some congestion and I am coughing a little. Tonight I will try to get some rest. Take care everyone.
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Well, I had a good nights sleep. Swimming is on our agenda for today. Yesterday evening we took a nice walk up to my Mothers to bring her some watermelon. I was thinking how thankful I am that I came to GT for help years ago. I have met many wonderful people here and was given alot of great advice which I took to heart and that has helped in my recovery. I have had slips along the way but have been able to return here and continue my recovery. This site has changed my life and saved it. I have learned so much from GT and the support I have received here has forever change my life. I now have money in the bank and a nice home to live in and I am making wise decisions regarding my future. I am living in the now and not gambling with my assets. I am still learning things about myself and dealing with difficult family members, but now I am healthy (mentally) and I am still growing and learning. I like myself and I am finally standing up for myself and not giving control of my feelings to others. That is a big accomplishment for me. It is hard to unlearn something that you have done since childhood. I have made a lot of big steps and I hope to continue doing so. Thank you all for being there for me.
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Glad your daughter got on the flight eventually, Lizbeth. It’s always a worry when our children are travelling no matter what age they are. At least she is not alone. My daughter when on an climbing/ trekking expedition a few months ago in Nepal! Scary to see some of the photographs but also very good to know that our “children”are doing things we never had the opportunity or nerve to do. I’m speaking for myself! I think laziness prevents me from doing most things, unlike you, Liz. Your energy and drive never cease to amaze me!
Long may it last! -
Vera, one of things I love about my oldest Daughter is her sense of adventure. They are going do some mountain climbing in Peru. She has been training for months. They made it to the second leg of the trip after a detour. She text me to say they were finally on the last plane headed Peru. Yeah!! I have her detailed itenirary, so I know where the group will be everyday. I still do worry as she is in another country, far from home. We went swimming today and the pool was nice. Tomorrow my Grandson and I are going on a little adventure of our own. A small day trip about 2 hours north of here. We have our cooler out so we n pack a picnic lunch. Sounds like fun!! We are chillin now, swimming makes me tired. Lol!!
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Yesterday was awesome! My Grandson and I went on our day trip and it ended at the deer farm. There were a lot of animals there. We feed the deer and my Grandson said it was one of the best places he’d ever been to. We made it home before dark. It was a awesome day and so much fun. We passed 2 casinos on our trip and all I could think of was how out of place they looked as we were in a forest, mountain area. I also thought of how many people were gambling and ruining their lives. It is strange how I look at things now concerning gambling. I also thought of how happy I was that I don’t need to gamble and how happy I am with my life now!!! Life does get better without gambling.
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Thanks Charles for your post!! We are heading out soon to go swimming. We are having fun and I am trying to keep my Grandson occupied. Friday afternoon, I am taking him to the city to spend the weekend with his Dad and I am picking him up on Sunday. He has kids to play with at the apartment complex his Dad lives in. My Sister is coming to my Mom’s on Friday thru Sunday. I didn’t get to see her last time she was here because my Grandson was sick. It will be strange at first because I haven’t seen her since my Husband died and we got into a disagreement. I am not putting a lot of expectations on the visit. I reached out to her and I am doing what I feel that I should be doing. We will see how it unfolds. Have a good gambling free day everyone!!
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OMG!!! We had so much fun swimming today. My Grandson made some swimming buddies and he had a blast!!! I had so much fun seeing him so happy. He must have jumped off the diving board at least 50 times. He is going swimming with his friends tomorrow. Time is going by so fast and he is growing and changing. I feel so previlaged to watch this. I am glad that I am now in the present and not escaping to the casino. We missed a call from my Daughter while swimming. I know he is missing his Mom. Hopefully she can call back soon.
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Yesterday evening my Daughter called and my Grandson was happy to hear his Mommy’s voice. She is having a great time. The tour guide and people in the group she is traveling with are awesome. My realtor called this morning and she is going to show me houses in the city. So, we have the weekend after my Daughter gets home designated as our first house looking day. I know the area well and she is going to email me houses so I can pick the ones we will look at. It’s exciting but at the same time a lot of work. I know the end result will be awesome for my Daughter and Grandson and me as well. I can use the house when filing taxes and it will be a investment for me as the housing market here is making a come back. We have plans on swimming today. Nothing else is going on. I don’t know why but I am getting up real early in the morning. It is like I have a built in alarm clock going off. Take care everyone and have a great gamble free day!
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Hey lovely liz
You never cease to amaze me i cant keep up with your energy it is fantastic.. your posts make me want to get out and do something.. love that you get on so well with that grandson and that you are out in the world living life. I love it.
You will be such a great influence on him and i am sure he will be shaped by your love. Hope you have a great day Liz.P
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Thanks P for your sweet post. My Grandson is still sleeping so I have a few moments for myself. We are going swimming again today. Yesterday evening we planted some petunias, white and purple. We will be going to the city tomorrow afternoon so my Grandson can spend the weekend with his Dad. His Dad has lived at the same place for the last 3 years and my Grandson has quite a few kids to play with. I will pick him up on Sunday afternoon. It will give me some time to see my Sister on Saturday and have a little me time. Nothing else happing here!!!! Have a great gamble free day everyone.
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Today was hectic! I took my Grandson to the city this afternoon to stay the weekend with his Dad and turned around and drove back home. I went to my Mom’s and saw my Sister for the first time in 14 months. It went pretty well. She hugged me and we talked for awhile. We never talked about the arguement which caused her not to speak to me for 14 months. It was mostly small talk. Tomorrow we are going to the farmer’s market and out for breakfast. I keep telling myself to have no expectations from my Sister as I don’t want to be let down and hurt again. So, even though I don’t feel close to her anymore, I am going to accept the relationship for what it is. She is my Sister and I do love her. I am missing my Grandson but I do need a few days to regroup. He is a lot of fun but it takes a lot of energy to keep up with him. I will be seeing him Sunday afternoon.
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I spend a enjoyable day with my Mother and Sister. My Sister was happy to see me and we did have some deep conversations. We went looking at properties today as she would like to move here after she retires (4 years from now). She said she would like to be closer to our Mother and me. She said she would like to help take care of our Mother when the time came as she didn’t want me to have to do it by myself. I was really shocked hearing this from her but it was good. She came over to see my home and loved it. It was a good day. I am picking my Grandson up tomorrow in the late afternoon. My Daughter is emailing me awesome pictures of Peru and her adventure. She will be gone for another 9 days. Everything is going well with my Grandson as he is being kept busy. Going to bed, I am exhasted.
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(((Liz)))! I don’t know where you get the energy to keep up with your grandson and for three weeks. I love my grandgirls but could never care for them for 3 weeks. I hope that you buying another house and your daughter renting it from you works out, as your grandson would benefit from living in the same place, and not moving around. It’s great that you and your sister reconciled, but I’m sure you won’t be letting your guard down anytime soon!! That was pretty awful what she did to you right after your husband died. My new mantra is that when people show you who they are, believe them. Like you, I always want to believe the best in people, even when they show me over and over again, that they have their own agenda, and it’s not in my best interest. I have been binge eating this past week and last night I had symptoms of a heart attack, but I thought it was stress, so I took a sleeping pill, and went to bed. I’d hate to go to Emerg for nothing, and look stupid. Carole
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Hi Liz
I think you are a brave and courageous person. I really admire you. You always seem to find the best in life and the best in people. What a lovely way to be. I think you have this life in perspective by the sounds of it. Re connecting with your sister was a brave move too.. family can be quite a challenge in that way and it is often hard to mend things, you just build a bridge and get over it, i love it.. you are doing so well in this recoveryP
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‘Hope you are not overdoing things, Lizbeth!
I wish I had half your energy. I was just wondering lately why I get so exhausted? Apart from being over weight, lazy as hell and having a few minor medical ailments, I think the stress of debt and remembering all the money I lost takes my energy away. It drains me!
Thank God you have no money worries, Liz. Your dear husband looked after you well and now you have an easy mind. Thank God, I am not short of anything but, I believe I won’t be totally free until all my debt is paid.
The day my father in law was dying, the priest went to give him the Last Rites. At his funeral, the priest said he told him “I owe nobody a penny!” What a relief to know that as you pass from Life to Eternity!
Its my prayer for all here, that we will be G -free and debt free!
I’m going on holidays on July 1st so I will have another week under my belt by the end of 1st week in July. June has been a G free month! ODAAT! -
Carole, P, and Vera, thanks for your posts. Carole, stress can do a number on our bodies. You should always go to the ER if you feel like something is wrong. Remember, I arrived at the ER withing 20 mins of my heart attack and I have no heart damage. Vera, I am a lucky person as my Husband provided for me. I am by no means rich but I am comfortable. He always worried that I would have to struggle if he died and made sure that I didn’t have to. Have a great vacation and congrads on the gamble free time. P, the visit with my Sister was good. She left for the city today but she is coming back in August. I have forgiven her for the past but I haven’t forgotten. I think that we can move on and have a relationship. I am going to the city to get my Grandson in 2 hours. I missed the little guy but I did get some sleep and adult time with my Mom and Sister. I am thinking about how busy the next month or more will be. Packing up my Daughter and Grandson and looking for a new home. Carole, I think that a home would be awesome for my Grandson. It will be his home and some place he can grow up in and not have to move. I think it will be a good thing. School starts the first week in August and hopefully they will be settled in the new house and then I can come home and relax. There are quite a few projects that I want to do here at my house. All in time! I hope everyone had a great gamble free weekend.
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Carole, P, and Vera, thanks for your posts. Carole, stress can do a number on our bodies. You should always go to the ER if you feel like something is wrong. Remember, I arrived at the ER withing 20 mins of my heart attack and I have no heart damage. Vera, I am a lucky person as my Husband provided for me. I am by no means rich but I am comfortable. He always worried that I would have to struggle if he died and made sure that I didn’t have to. Have a great vacation and congrads on the gamble free time. P, the visit with my Sister was good. She left for the city today but she is coming back in August. I have forgiven her for the past but I haven’t forgotten. I think that we can move on and have a relationship. I am going to the city to get my Grandson in 2 hours. I missed the little guy but I did get some sleep and adult time with my Mom and Sister. I am thinking about how busy the next month or more will be. Packing up my Daughter and Grandson and looking for a new home. Carole, I think that a home would be awesome for my Grandson. It will be his home and some place he can grow up in and not have to move. I think it will be a good thing. School starts the first week in August and hopefully they will be settled in the new house and then I can come home and relax. There are quite a few projects that I want to do here at my house. All in time! I hope everyone had a great gamble free weekend.
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Carole, P, and Vera, thanks for your posts. Carole, stress can do a number on our bodies. You should always go to the ER if you feel like something is wrong. Remember, I arrived at the ER withing 20 mins of my heart attack and I have no heart damage. Vera, I am a lucky person as my Husband provided for me. I am by no means rich but I am comfortable. He always worried that I would have to struggle if he died and made sure that I didn’t have to. Have a great vacation and congrads on the gamble free time. P, the visit with my Sister was good. She left for the city today but she is coming back in August. I have forgiven her for the past but I haven’t forgotten. I think that we can move on and have a relationship. I am going to the city to get my Grandson in 2 hours. I missed the little guy but I did get some sleep and adult time with my Mom and Sister. I am thinking about how busy the next month or more will be. Packing up my Daughter and Grandson and looking for a new home. Carole, I think that a home would be awesome for my Grandson. It will be his home and some place he can grow up in and not have to move. I think it will be a good thing. School starts the first week in August and hopefully they will be settled in the new house and then I can come home and relax. There are quite a few projects that I want to do here at my house. All in time! I hope everyone had a great gamble free weekend.
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Hi everyone. My Grandson is still sleeping so I decided it was a good time to post my thoughts. He had a awesome weekend with his Dad. They hung out with some friends and swam and barbequed. Both my Daughter and my ex son in law have a lot of friends and aquantinces and are always doing something. I was thinking back on my visit with my Sister. Although she was welcoming, she held back a lot. My Daughter and her haven’t talked for 1 year because of her coming unleashed on my Daughter in front of my Grandson and throwing them out of her house where they were living. I know there are 2 sides to every story but she really handled it wrong. They were close like Sisters. My Sister was 15 when I had my oldest Daughter and she babysat for me and they have always had a close relationship until now. So, I asked her is she could see reconnecting with my Daughter and she said maybe. I reached out to my Sister after 14 months of not talking because I felt it was the right thing for me to do. The day after my Husband’s death she came over, before that when he was sick, she showed up once for 15 mins and I was the one to call her giving her updates on his health. Well, she was just being rude and mean and I was trying to make arrangements for his cremation, ect… and I was in a daze. We were going somewhere and she was driving and we go into a agruement and she pulled her car over and told me to get out. I walked back to the condo (8 blocks away). This weekend is the first time we have been face to face since the incident. I am still feeling some weird vibs from her. Last month when she was having financial difficulties and was on the verge of going bankrupt, I bailed her out. She has since sold her home and repaid me. I found out about her problems from my Mother who was in a frantic stage about it all. I guess I need to just accept the relationship for what it is and for who she is. I am not perfect, but we are extremely different people and that is alright. My Mom was a piece of work this weekend. She is so afraid that she will make my Sister mad and that she will stop talking to her again as she has done in the past. She agreed with everything she said and kissed her bu– the whole time she was here. I guess that is how she wants to have a relationship with her Daughter and really it is none of my business. Wow, what dysfunction. It is a wonder that I don’t have more addictions. The good thing is that I haven’t had any gambling urges lately!!! Today we are going to the movies!!! Sorry as I feel like I have been rambling.
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Hey Liz its good to ramble.. i do it often hehe..
Wow yes you have been through a lot with that sister yet you were the one to call to set things right, that is strength.. family can be difficult as i know too. There are many different personalities and hidden agendas sometimes. I know you are a genuine caring person Lizbeth it shines through in every one of your posts and i think its wonderful that you took the first step. It seems you are always there to help everyone.. i hope they offer the same help to you tooP
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Liz you amaze me!!! You truly are an inspiration on how you handle controversy and find it in your heart to forgive. It is actually easier on us though if we can forgive others as then it does not eat us up. I see such a difference in your posts when you have the little grandson with you. It’s like you are more content when he is around. I have not been posting as I have been busy working on our basement, but I have been reading and keeping up, but just wanted to let you know I truly appreciate your posts as I learn so much from them, and they are inspiring. Have a wonderful gamble free day!!!
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Thanks p and cat for your posts. Cat, I am learning to forgive because like you said, it can eat you up. I have seen people become mean and bitter when they hold grudges. It serves no purpose to destroy yourself. Transformers movie was awesome. I told my Grandson beforehand that if it became too intense for him we would leave. He loved the movie. My only grip was that it was 2 hours and 45 minutes long. It was a with him. I am more content when he is around but I am learning and trying to have a life for myself when he isn’t here. After we buy a house and they are moved and settled, I am going to attend church regularly and help with the things they do for our community. I am hoping to find some nice people to form some relationships with. My daughter climbed a big mountain today, which was one of the goals for her trip. She looked so happy in the pictures. 1 more week and she will be home. My grandson is missing her and by then grandma will be tired!!! Everything is going well. Tomorrow we are going swimming and building a Lego set we bought today.
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Thank you for your support on my thread and sorry that I’ve taken a bit to visit your thread. I am having such a hard time just scraping up a few days that it’s making me self-centred.
I just love reading about your adventures with your grandson. I read a much earlier thread when you talked about limiting time on his devices. We have always done that with our sons and even now, at 15 and 17, we impose time limits. They’re on summer break from high school now and would spend entire days on their computers and games if we didn’t make sure that didn’t happen. So the house rule is no devices until after 6 pm. It’s amazing what having spare time will make them do. My eldest has signed up with our local library to be a reading buddy and will do a few hours every day. This is part of his mandatory volunteer program for graduation. My youngest is also looking for volunteer work. The other time will be spent working with their Dad to make a bit of spending money. So, I’m relieved they won’t be stuck indoors all day.
You sound like an awesome grandma. Grandmothers are such an important part of children’s development and growing up. I remember my lovely, sweet and gentle grandmother who was my port in the storm when I was in trouble with my Mom as a teenager. Your grandson is benefitting so much more than you will ever know and your kindness will live on in him and he will pass it on to his children and grandchildren. So while you benefit from him, he is being shaped in a way you may not even think about.
Becoming active in your church is a wonderful idea, Lizbeth, and you are sure to build your own little community in doing so. I have just recently started going back to church and the thought of doing some volunteer work in the church has crossed my mind too.
Just wanted to let you know that the way you’re living your life is inspiring to me today. Take care of yourself.
RG
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Thanks RG for your post as it means a lot to me. We are going swimming today and stopping by my Mom’s house to bring her dinner. We grilled hamburgers on my new grill last night. My house loan is at a stand still right now as there is something on my credit which was paid off but not taken off. So, I had to write a letter to the company and the mortgage lenders are dealing with it. I want everything in place when my Daughter comes home on the 7th. My realtor is going to show us homes on the 12th. I guess there are always little bumps in the road. I have to pay off my debt consolidation to get the loan. That is alright as I could have paid it off before but the monthly payments were easy and I didn’t want to part with a lump of money. I have become very saving and I watch my money now. When I received benefits after my Husband’s death, I knew I could go one way or the other (gambling). I put money in a fund which is harder for me to get to as I have to send a request to take money out and it takes a few days to get it. Honestly, I don’t think about accessing the money from that account. I live very simply and I can save about 1/2 of what I receive monthly in pensions. There really isn’t anything that I need but there are things that I want to do around my new home. Eventually, I would like to get it repainted and some of the wood trim replaced. I would like a new fence around my backyard and a covered patio with flagstone pavers. I need to repaint some of the bedrooms but for the most part my place is alright the way it is. Some improvements would be nice. It’s just my little wish list. When my Sister was here we went looking at some places for her, so she could get a idea of what was out there. She has 4 more years of work before she can retire. She is looking at more remote places and smaller places. Where we looked was too remote for me!! LOL!!! The land here is kind of pricey. But I suggested that maybe she buy a lot now and start paying on it and build later. She is renting a room from her friend right now and is going to find a condo in the city by the end of the year as she will be out of debt. One way or the other it will work out for her. At least she sold her home which she couldn’t afford and has piece of mind. Nothing else going on here. Have a great gamble free day everyone.
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Today was a emotional day for me. For some reason, right after I got out of the shower this morning, I thought about my Husband. No one visited him in the hospital as one of my Daughter’s had check herself into rehab and the other was doing drugs. My Husband was a private person and really didn’t want his friends to see him in that condition and he had no family her besides mine. My ex-son-in-law called me and asked if it would be alright to take his son, my Grandson to visit. My Husband only had a iv at the point, so I said yes. I had left to go home and shower when they came to visit. The joy that they brought to my Husband I can never repay. My Grandson got into bed with him and helped him eat his dinner and he took over the remote to the tv and turned on cartoons. My Husband had the biggest smile on his face when he told me all this and he was really happy. I don’t know why but I thought of that today and started crying. Although my Grandson knows that crying is alright, I stayed in the bathroom till I could compose myself. My Grandson had a episode earlier in the week and was crying for his Papa. I just thought it may be too much for him. These thoughts cross my mind sometimes and take over and I need to cry and release my emotions. I guess this is part of grieving. I missed him a lot today!!!
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I am getting tired. My daughter called my Grandson today. He is missing his Mommy. Friday I am taking him to the city to stay with his dad for the weekend. I thought of staying at my daughter’s apartment but have decided to come back home. I will return on Sunday evening and pick up my Grandson and we will stay at the apartment. My daughter’s plane doesn’t come in till 1150 pm on Monday. We can do some grocery shopping and clean a little on Monday. Tuesday I will come home and return Saturday to start house hunting. Maybe I will be recharged by then. Lol!
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Happy Fourth of July!!!! I am home now as I took my Grandson to his Dad’s for the weekend. I have no desire to go to the fireworks here as you have to park and be shuttled to the fireworks site. I am happy at home relaxing. Tomorrow morning I am taking my Mom out for breakfast. I hope everyone is having a great gamble free weekend. Take care!!
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I watched the fireworks from my front porch last night. They were delayed about 1 hour as we had rain (much needed). I spent most of the day with my Mother but I am home now. My Grandson sent me a email thanking me for being such a awesome Grandmother the last few weeks and that he loves me!! How sweet!!! I will pick him up tomorrow afternoon and we will go to my Daughter’s apartment. He is going back to karate camp on Monday. Surprise: my Sister called me today and invited me to breakfast on Monday. That was nice!!! Nothing else going on here. I am just going to chill the rest of the day.
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Well, I am back in the city. I cleaned out the fridge and did some grocery shopping so my Daughter doesn’t have to run to the store when she gets home. My Daughter isn’t the best housekeeper and she is really unorganized. I cleaned a little and did some laundry before my ex-son-in-law brought my Grandson home. Anyways, we are watching TV and going to bed a little earlier tonight as karate camp starts at 8:30 am. Then I am meeting my Sister for breakfast. I had thoughts of gambling on my way down to the city. I passed the casino in my town with no problem but when I got into the city and passed the next casino, I almost turned into the parking lot. I didn’t though and went straight to my Daughter’s apartment. I am over it now!! I told myself that I would only spend $100 and leave, I was playing mind games with myself. I don’t know where the urges came from but they left once I drove past the casino. I can’t relapse as I need to watch my money with the soon to be purchase of a home. I don’t want to get back into that vicious cycle again. One day at a time!!
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Thankfully you did not turn into that casino parking lot! It would have solved nothing and you would have felt bad after the experience. I could have gambled in Winnipeg two evenings, as I am not banned in that province. I choose not to, as I wanted that trip to be “clean,” – no gambling! It’s never a hundred dollars is it?? I can’t imagine how exhausted you are after having your grandson for that long……….. And then to get your daughter groceries and organize her. When are you going to claim your time for you, and do the things that will allow you to develop new interests? I’m still on for the trip to New Orleans in September. It’s worth the trip just to people watch and meet new characters. Not to mention seeing each other. Carole
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I know Carole, I was so glad that I controlled myself and didn’t gamble. It would have been 100’s of dollars and I would have felt so bad afterwards. I am glad that you didn’t gamble either. I am looking forward to our trip in September also. I will be ready for one by then. I have gotten tired watching my Grandson but I have been able to revive myself as his Dad had him for 2 weekends. But I still had to drive him down and pick him up as he has a old truck. He has money to buy a newer one but he is tight with his money!! It all worked out!! I took my Grandson to karate camp this morning and he was glad to see his friends. Some of my Daughter’s friends children go there also and they have know each other all their lives. I meet my Sister for breakfast and then we went shopping. She is going on a work related trip in a few weeks and needed a few things. Okay, I bought 2 blouses, 2 pair of shorts for my Grandson, a purse and a nightstand for my spare bedroom. So, it was a good day!!! I had fun with my Sister and we are getting together on Sunday. My Daughter is in Florida and had a 18 hour layover, next it will be Texas, then home. (sometime around midnight) They wanted to save money on the flight hence all the stops. I called the realtor so we would be on the same page Saturday. (house hunting) I emailed her a list of the homes I want to see as I know the area well and she is from my small town not the city. I am hoping to go home for a couple days are relax before coming back to house hunt. My Grandson gave me instructions not to pick him up till 5pm. LOL!!!! So I am doing some laundry and making lasagna for dinner (his favorite). I am hoping to get back to my life as soon as we find a home and I help them move. I brought all my packing boxes, tape, ect… to her apartment. I am going to help pack her up. I am pretty good at it!! Really keeping busy is the best thing for me and I am excited about getting a home as it will be good for my Daughter and Grandson and a good investment (tax wise) for me.
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I am back at my home. My Daughter came home around 1 am. She is really sick and went to the urgent care. The DR said it was a virus and there is nothing they can do. She flew on 9 planes during a 3 week period of time. No wonder she is sick!! I dropped my Grandson off at karate camp and I went to the doctor’s for a checkup. Everything is fine. I only have to have blood work done. I came home and took a nap. I will be returning to the city on Friday afternoon and will be house hunting on Saturday. At least I will have a few days to relax before then. Glad to be home.
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Oh my this afternoon was trying. My mother didn’t answer her phone. I left a message, but after 3 hours I became concerned. I drove to her place and her truck was gone. I decided to go to the store and then stop back by to see if she was home. On the main guest I saw her heading home. So I stopped back by her place. She had been to the casino. Everything was doom and gloom. She complained about everything and everyone. Omg!! I listened to her and when I starts liking she got up and went to the other room and ignored me. Really? How rude and mean. I went home. She asked what was wrong. Really? I don’t have to explain it to her. She knows what she did. I don’t understand what I have done for her to hate me. Oh, she did talk about my sister, nothing bad. She treats my sister the way she treats me and she will stop talking to her again The last time it lasted 2 years. It is ridiculous. I try to have a relationship with her and she is so cold and uncaring. It is like she has checked out.
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Liz sounds like she was in the mist of a gambling hangover! She’s blaming everything and everyone-maybe you caused her “bad luck”? She “got caught” gambling, maybe you were the last person she hoped to run into.
No excuse for sure but try not to be hurt with her coments. We know how sick being a cg is.
bettie -
Liz sounds like she was in the mist of a gambling hangover! She’s blaming everything and everyone-maybe you caused her “bad luck”? She “got caught” gambling, maybe you were the last person she hoped to run into.
No excuse for sure but try not to be hurt with her coments. We know how sick being a cg is.
bettie -
Thanks Bettie for your post. I think some of it has to do with her gambling but some of it is how much of a unhappy person she is. She won’t deal with it, like counseling, and emotionally she checked out along time ago. She talks bad about all of her neighbors and gripes about them continually. It is just sad. I do take it personally as she is never there for me lately. I listen to her and her problems and I try to help her anyway I can. She doesn’t have any empathy in her. It does hurt!! We all want out Mother’s to show they care. I know that Mother/Daughter relationships are hard. I have had my share of difficulties with my Daughters but I try to work through them. I probably over compensate with my Daughter’s as I want them to know how much they are loved by me. Some of the time I can handle her actions but sometimes it just gets to me. I know she gets depressed a lot. But when I suggested counseling years ago, she became very mad at me. I don’t know what the answer is as she isn’t going to change. I need to change, accept her, and set the boundaries with her again. I am going to get a mani/pedi later today. I am worth it!!!
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I’m sorry liz! I do believe we are cousins as except for the gambling I would swear you were talking about my mom!
My sister asked me if I could try to come see my mom and take her out once or twice a month and if my brother could so the same. After my mom heard about this she told my daughter now that she was moving that my sister asked if we could come by because she just couldn’t stand her all the time. Thats her negative twist about everything. My soloution has been to stay away but thats no longer an option. My sister needs a break-but what she doesn’t get is who’s going to clean my house, run my errands etc. My brother has now asked me twice to take his adult daughter on my off day too because she just sits home all week. Sorry to vent-need to get off my soap box and get ready for work.
Take care!
bettie -
Bettie, It’s harder when our parent’s get older too. I try to be a good daughter but I don’t quit measure up in her eyes. My Sister is talking of moving here in 4 years when she retires to help in taking care of our Mother. I know I couldn’t do it by myself. She has even said she could live with her. More power to her!!! You have health issues and you need to take care of yourself first. Just my opinion.
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Well I am in the city. I just had my blood work done (routine). The Realtor emailed a list of 7 homes to see tomorrow and I looked online and 3 are off the market. I have provided her with 3 more to take their place. I am familiar with the area as I lived in it for a long time. I compiled a list of 25 homes to see and half of them have been sold already. Kind of frustrating!! Yesterday was a bad day!! My Daughter and I were arguing via texts. Yes, the one who I am helping buy the home for. We haven’t even been house hunting and we are already arguing. She thinks she knows everything or more than me. I have bought and sold many more homes than she ever has. I just don’t care for that attitude!! I am hoping and keeping my fingers crossed that we can be on the same page tomorrow when we house hunt. I’ve been thinking lately about what the purpose of my life really is. I have always been a wife, mother, and grandmother. A lot of people know what they want to do with their lives and go for it. I know there is something out there for me. I guess I haven’t figured what and what path I need to go on to find it. I have been feeling restless lately and maybe that is why I am questioning my future. A lot to think about!!!
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Okay, my day is not going so well. It is 24 degrees warmer here than where I live. I had to go buy a sun shield for my car. I bought water and ice and a small cooler for tomorrow. The Realtor called and 2 more houses have been sold from my list. I am not sure what tomorrow is going to bring as far as the houses we are going to look at. In about 1 hour, my ex-son-in-law and his brother are coming over to my Daughter’s apartment for pizza and my Grandson is going home with them to spend the night. House hunting is no place for a kid. I wouldn’t even go if I didn’t have to. LOL!!!! Okay, I am going to get positive about this!!!
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Wow! We found a home and put a offer on it. I will know if the seller accepts by Monday afternoon. I was getting frustrated as 3/4 of my list of homes had been sold. My Daughter was on the internet this morning and 2 new homes were offered today. We choice one of those. It has been totally renovated inside and out. New kitchen cabinets, stainless steel appliances, granite countertops, new wood floors. 3 bedrooms, 2 bats. The downside is that it didn’t have a pool but it had a nice backyard where my Daughter can garden and my Grandson can play. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we get it!!!! My Grandson’s Uncle took him to his karat tournament and he is now a blue belt and he won his first trophy. He emailed us a picture of him and he had the biggest smile on his face!!!! We celebrated by going out for Mexican food. It has been a great day!!
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Liz have not posted for a while, but have been following your posts, which I always enjoy reading as they are so positive. I know you occasionally have a blah day, but for the most part you sound like a really positive person whose glass if half full!!! I pray that everything works out for you with the house. It will be wonderful for your grandson to be in a home in a more permanent basis and not moving all the time. It will provide him with more stability with his mother. I often wonder about your mother, why she is as she is, and think, could it be depression with her. Depression has so many different aspects to it, and one of them is anger. I believe that my hubby suffers from depression. We have been working together lately on the basement, and we do laugh and have fun together at times. We went out for supper last night, which was nice for a change. Life is so complicated sometimes. I really don’t know where you get all your energy from in regards to everything that you do. The packing, unpacking, doing laundry, running around etc. I think it may make a difference to me when I am not working full time, then I will have more energy for other things, or losing weight would make a big difference. Have a wonderful day, and I do hope everything works out with the house today!!!
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Thanks Cat for your post!!! We got the house!! My Realtor left this morning for a 4 day vacation and called me at 6:30 am. There was multiple offers on the home. The selling Realtor works for the same company as she does. I had to come in $2,000 more and change the inspection date and closing date. I think it is worth it!!! I had to go over and sign the purchase contract as her assistant is helping me till she gets back. Cat, sometimes I don’t know if I am coming or going. I will be glad when my Daughter and Grandson are settled in their new home as I want to be home more than 4 days or less at a time. I have things that I would like to do around here. I still have a few boxes to go through with my move. LOL!!! My Mother does suffer from depression. She refuses to seek help. Today when I told her we had the home she said, if that’s what you want. There is no encouraging or happiness there. So, everyone around her has to deal or not with it. Kind of sad. I am glad that things are better with your Hubby. Life is complicated. My Daughter doesn’t have all the money for the down payment and closing costs, ect. But she did give me the check from her insurance settlement (car wreck) and so that will help in the costs. I had to think about whether I wanted to invest and buy this home and after thinking about it I decided it would be a good thing. Mostly, I decided it will be a home for my Daughter and Grandson, and they won’t have to be in another rental. Our world was rocked when my Husband died and I think that he would be happy that I am doing this. She will make the mortgage payments, ect… and if something should happen, she were to lose her job, I can affort the payments. I asked the sellers to purchase a home warranty (1st year) for me. I have that with my home. The service call is $60 and it covers virtually everything. Cat, I don’t work outside the home so I don’t have a schedule. That makes a big difference in my energy level. I think when you retire you will feel the difference. I am waiting for the list of home inspectors as I have 10 days instead of 15 days for the inspection to be done. So, there is still work to be done and a lot of packing. LOL!!!! We have been getting rain every evening, much need for the surrounding forest. I am going to chill the rest of the day as I have been stressed about the house deal. Everything is good!!!
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Congratulations Lizbeth!
I am in awe of all you do for your daughter and grandson! “Gobsmacked” as they say!I think I would be generous to my kids if I had money.My husband says I gave them too much! Made them selfish and greedy! Hard to strike a right balance! I hope it all works out for you . Far far better than losing it in the casinos . I certainly could have bought a very good house for what I lost….
Will the house be in your daughter’s name? Just curious! -
Thanks Ican and Vera for your posts. I had to think about whether I wanted to purchase another home. I figured it this way, I am set as I don’t have a house payment or any debt. My Daughter has come a long way and I feel like she and my Grandson deserve some help in buying a home. Vera, she can’t be on the title as she can’t qualify for a loan. (some credit issues). The home will be in my name for now. She is working on cleaning up her credit. We are hoping that in a few years we can refinance and she can be added to the loan. I am having the home inspection and termite inspection tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping that all is good or I will find out tomorrow. Tomorrow, my Mom and I are going to get our will, power of attorney, ect.. that I had drawn up for us, notorized and witnessed. I am going to make us lunch, salmon, salad, and asparagus. I’m trying to eat healthy again. It rained last night and today. Lovely weather.
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Today was so hectic, busy. My Mom and I went to a notary and had our wills, living wills, power of attorneys, ect, witnessed and notarized. I am glad it is done as I learned from my Husband’s death that you need to have all your affairs in order. I did fix a good lunch for us afterwards. The rest of the day was a blur and I had quite the headache. The home inspection results, some minor things that can be fixed easily, a major ROOF ISSUE. My Realtor isn’t back from vacation till Saturday. It was recommended that I get a roof inspector out so he can determine the costs. Either the seller will compensate the fix with a price reduction in the home or I will have to walk away. I have a list of additional paperwork that the mortgage company is requesting. I knew that would happen but my head was on overload today. I had to keep telling myself to take deep breaths and calm down. In the midst of all of this chaos, I thought about GAMBLING!!! DAH!! Really? I had strong urges but I resisted and didn’t gamble. Oh, a cool thing happened today, my Mother asked me to help her by reminding her that she didn’t need to go to the casino. She admitted that she is going too often and spending quite a bit of money. I told her that we would help each other and that if we were having urges, we would talk to the other person and get support from each other. It’s the first step for her!!! I am confident that everything will work out with the house.
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Liz I pray that everything goes through okay for you with the house. I think that the gambling thoughts come when we are feeling stressed and overloaded, like you were today with everything about the house. I think as we recognize these things it helps us understand why we are getting urges. It’s interesting as I am writing that to you, as yesterday I was so stressed at work, but I did not have gambling thoughts. I had thoughts of having a massage!!! I wonder if that is progress. I just decided that I am going to book a massage for myself, as I do have a GC for a spa. Now that sounds luxurious pampering for myself. Anyway, enough about me. I am so glad that your mother has talked to you about the gambling, as admitting it to you is a big step for her. You have to remember though that she will have times she will not listen as you know first hand this will happen, so just think back to your own recovery. It may be that some of her moods and anger is her way of dealing with the gambling. She is angry at herself, but takes it out on someone else. I can remember being angry at myself about gambling, and would probably take it out on hubby after I gambled. I hate addictions and what they do to people!!! Have a wonderful day and look after yourself!!!!
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Thanks Cat for your post. Your posts are always supportive and calming to me. Thanks! I did better today. I spent most of the day making phone calls for further documentation that is needed by the lenders and emailing the loan processor. I talked to my Realtor’s assistant and she has the inspection report and will address the roof issues next week when she is back from vacation. They will either fix it or I will walk away from the deal and move forward to find another home. Cat, stress is always a trigger for me but I was able to work through the urges and not gamble!! My Mother has cleaned her home and storage shed from top to bottom. She is white knuckling it right now. She talked about gambling today and I changed the subject. She is having a tough time. She will receive her check next week and I am praying that she will not gamble. A massage sounds good right now. I think that I am going to soak in the tub tonight. I know that I took my anger (from gambling) out on my Husband. I feel so bad about that now!! I text my youngest Daughter today to tell her that I loved her. She is so far gone with the drugs. It is scary! I can’t help her till she wants to help herself. It’s just tough watching your child self destruct. I can only tell her how much she is loved and pray that she will find her way. I am not giving up!!
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It seems that your mother is going through a really tough time, Lizbeth. Gambling probably creates all the nastiness she displays towards her family. Fear is at the root of it. Most Cgs have been where she is. Being her daughter you would find it difficult to be objective, I think. I will pray she gets help. Would she agree to talk to a gambling counsellor now that she is at a low ebb and before her next cheque comes in?
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Hi Vera, My Mother won’t talk to a counselor or get any help for her gambling. I was surprised that she opened up to me. I am being supportive but I have been there and I know how hard it is in the beginning. She made the first and biggest step in admitting she has a problem (in a round about way). She told my cousin who is coming for a visit that she would not be going to the casino. Good for her!!! She told me yesterday that she could go back to the casino in October as she will be financially straighten out by then. I know that this addiction plays mind games with you. I am basically listening to her and not trying to give too much of my input as she takes it as someone telling her what to do. I thought of taking her my GA handbook so she could read it but maybe that would be too much for her to handle???? I am walking a fine line with her. I can tell she is getting antsy and irritable. Today I have a few errands to take care of and then I am going to reorganize my clothes closet. Tomorrow I plan on taking everything out of my storage shed and cleaning it out. Nothing else going on with the house. I am waiting for my Realtor to come back so we can address the roof issues. I guess this is a common finding in a lot of home inspections. It is what it is!!! We are compiling another list of homes in case we don’t get a remedy. I am less stressed about the situation and when I find stress level rising, I am taking deep breaths and calming myself down. One day at a time.
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Well, things didn’t go as planned today. I woke with a massive headache. I don’t get them often but when I do they can take days to go away. The storage shed cleaning will wait till another day!! House update: My Realtor is back. We have a extension on the inspection date. A roofing contractor is coming out to give us a estimate on repairs. The seller is having the gas turned on and the original home inspector is coming back out on Wednesday (at sellers cost) to inspect the heater and water heater (gas). I am feeling better about it all. Then we can respond on what needs to be addressed. Hopefully, I will be offered credit for the repairs as it more feasible for me to have the repairs done so we can proceed with the loan. The loan process is going well. We are on top of everything. So, I am hopeful that all will go well.
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I thought of GAMBLING today!!! I know one of my triggers is stress!! I am feeling a lot of that lately with the purchase of the home and issues that we are dealing with. Also, the time frames with the loan. My Realtor came to my house today and we discussed everything. Like I said before, either the seller will give me credit for the fixes or I will walk away. I will walk away if the fixes are major issues. I had to rationally think about why I was having urges to gamble and if that was going to change anything positively for me. NO it isn’t. I will feel a short-lived relief in gambling but feel bad afterwards and be very disappointed with myself. So, I am learning the consequence of my actions and I will not gamble today!!!!!
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Firstly well done on getting through those urges they come out of no where sometimes.. i hear at meetings of people lapsing after over a decade gamble free so i guess if we are at ten days or ten years it is still possible for anyone to gamble again so we all need to keep working at this i guess.
You are doing very well with your journey.. look what you have been through and you have not gambled.. so proud of you.. you are doing everything to help your family.. you are so caring. Wishing you a good day and maybe some pampering or something nice for you.P
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Thanks P for your post!! I have been okay in the gambling urges department today!!! I am in the city because I have a cardiologist appointment tomorrow. I will go home on Thursday. I picked up my Grandson from camp today and he and I went to a pizza place and had dinner and played games. I will know everything about the house situation by the end of this week. I think I am drained from all of this chaos already. The heat here doesn’t make things any better. I am glad to see my Daughter’s and Grandson but will be glad to go home on Thursday to cooler weather. There was a small brush fire burning about 50 miles from my home. It was under control and the firefighter’s were letting it burn out. There was so much smoke in the air and it irritated my eyes. The smoke is really bad for anyone with a respiratory condition. I tried to get my Mom and her little dog to come to the city with me and we would get a hotel room for a few days to get out of it but she said no. Anyways, every time I come to the city, I am grateful that I live in a more remote area. I have my little piece of heaven in my home and yard. I am very grateful indeed.
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Well, my cardiology appointment went well. I won’t be going back for another year. I am going home tomorrow morning. It is 114 degrees here. Too hot for me!! The inspector and roofing inspector were both at the house today. Tomorrow, we will be getting their reports. The next step is to counter the seller with the items I want fixed and the costs. That will be the telling moment. If he agrees to a credit for the costs, I will move forward with the purchase, if he says no, I am walking away. It’s just very stressful!! I haven’t thought of gambling and that is awesome!!! Enjoying my time with my Grandson. I picked him up from camp today and I took him to get a haircut. He looks even more handsome!!!
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Well, I need to vent!! The roofing report came in and the roof and underlying wood needs to be replaced. The cost is $7400. I am asking the seller to credit me that amount. This is the deal breaker. We will counter him in the next 2 days and he has 2 days to respond. I am ready to walk if this isn’t agreed upon. Good news: I am home, my beautiful home!!! The weather is beautiful and it’s so peaceful here!! Thanks for letting me vent. This is the place where I can vent and not be judged!!!
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Yesterday, I just wanted to scream and release all of my stress, worry! Today, I am feeling better emotionally. I have a 2 pm meeting with my Realtor. I will sign the document stating all that I want fixed in the home. They have 48 hours to reply. If he does credit me than I will have to get the roof replaced after closing on the house. I am good with that as I would hire a reputable company to do the work and have peace of mind. I feel like I am neglecting my home and yard as I am going back and forth to the city. But this will be over and my Daughter and Grandson will be settled and I can stay home more. I love this place!!! The street cleaning guy is going down my street. It is so peaceful, clean, and calm here. I lived in the city all of my life and it is just awesome here. I did have gambling thoughts yesterday but was able to get through the urges. I don’t plan on gambling today!!!
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Hi Lizbeth firstly well done on getting through your urges. Wow you take on so many things. My mind whirls when i read your posts.. i love the fact that you are living in a peaceful place that you adore. Its really important to have the home as a sanctuary i think, thats how it is for me. I could easily become one of those agoraphobic people that never want to leave the house.. so i need to feel at peace in the place i live.. i am renting would never in this lifetime i doubt own a place of my own but i am comfortable and content in my place when i dont gamble.. throw gambling into the mix and it becomes very stressful and ugly..
You are going great guns miss.. so good to seeP
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Hi P, Home is where you make it. Some of my most memorable times were in places we rented. Never rule out buying a home!! I think of my home as my sanctuary also P. I am doing alright today. I just finished grilling chicken. I am taking down dinner to my Mom soon. Chicken, salad, and zucchini. This morning my Mom and I did a little shopping at the dollar store and Big Lots. We just recently got a Big Lots here. We played a few games of Yahtzee (my favorite game). Yesterday on the way to my Realtor’s office, I saw 4 elk (3 doe’s and 1 buck). They were grazing off the side of the road. I stopped the car to watch them and the buck started to run but stopped. They watched me and I watched them for a few mins. How beautiful they were!!! Well, I have come to the point of accepting that this house deal is going to drag on. We have another inspector coming out again this week to address another issue on the house. I learned that the seller has 5 days after we counter him to respond. His agent has been on vacation so things have slowed down in getting responses. I will know in approx. 2 weeks if I am buying the home or not. I am asking them to come down on the price of the home ($8,000) the costs of all fixes. Like I said before, I would rather hire and supervise the work that needs to be done and sometimes the seller doesn’t have the cash to pay for the fixes. It would be easier to just walk away but the home is nice and the neighborhood is perfect for my Daughter and Grandson (clean and low crime area). I went by the house on 3 different times when I was in the city. Every time it was quiet. Well, we see what happens. I have my eye on a few other homes in case this falls through. I hope everyone is having a great gamble free weekend!!!
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My day was great till I got the mail. Seems like one of my late mother in law daughters has committed fraud. She was keeping money from her Mother’s pension after she died instead of returning it. To top it off, the letter was for my Husband as he was a contact number for his Mother in her retirement papers. They want him to pay back the money. I was so upset and mad. One thing about my Husband is that he never would do anything like that. After I calmed down, I wrote a letter explaining that my Husband preceded his Mother in death. That she had 2 surviving daughters that were responsible for her estate. I included his death certificate, ect. for supporting documentation. I will sent it on Monday. That is why he didn’t want to have anything to do with his family. They are a shady lot!!! They don’t care that someone else would take the fall for their actions. Just unbelievable!!!
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Lucy was a good movie. My Mom seemed to enjoy it also. We went to Walmart afterwards and I am going back to my Mom’s for dinner soon. I thought of gambling a few mins ago. Why? I don’t know! I’m not going to!! I have plenty of other things to keep me occupied and out of trouble. My Daughter text me that she was going to do some packing this weekend. About time!! I’m not going to the city to help her as I brought all the boxes, tape, and bubble wrap to her months ago. The last 2 times I was in the city, I asked her to start purging so I wasn’t packing things that didn’t need to be packed. She did nothing, so maybe I need to let her take care of the packing. I will help down the line if she asks for my help. I hope I don’t sound too crabby but I am a very organized person and all the chaos at her place can be overwhelming for me. Just like my organization is probably too much for her. LOL!!!!
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Today I was thinking of all of the progress I have made in my recovery since coming to GT. I also think that everyone here helped me tremendously when my husband died. It has been a hard 15 months!! I am blessed as I have good friends and I have reconnected with family members and we are rebuilding our relationships. I have a comfortable home to live in and I enjoy my retired life. This is all thanks to my husband for looking out for me and providing for my future. I realize that I am a very fortunate person and I don’t take any of it for granted. Why then do I feel like something is missing from my life? Why is there a emptyness within me? I don’t know how to fill it!! I think that has to do a lot with my gambling urges. I know that I am in another stage of my life, widow, grown children. Maybe, I haven’t put myself out there more to meet new people and have new experience. Fear and rejection are keeping me from doing this. Sometimes, I just feel so tired, mentally, and I want to stay home in my own little world. I guess there are still a lot of things that I need to figure out about myself and my life. Why are things so complicated?
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Hi Liz I have not been posting much as I have been so busy, but I have been reading posts to see how everyone is doing. You sound as if you need a cyber hug (((Liz))) right now. I think we all have feelings of fear and rejection at times, and we just want to stay in our own safe cocoon. You are one brave lady to do all that you have done over the last 15 months. You have lost your husband, moved homes (sold your condo, and bought a house), let go of being responsible for your Grandson (I know that you are still very much involved in his life, but it is at a different level). I would say that to have achieved all this you are one remarkable lady.
Do you like to read Liz, if so, then why not get involved in a book club in your town, as that would be a way of meeting new people. I know that you have mentioned finding a Church as well.
You are still dealing with the house you are looking at buying for your daughter and grandson, and that is stressful. I was very happy to see that you are letting your daughter be more responsible in the move and not packing everything for her. It is difficult to sometimes stand back and let them do things themselves as we want things done a certain way, and they do it their own way.
Remember life is about the journey, not the destination!!!! -
You have been through a lot. So tiredness is not surprising. Sometimes we need to just ‘hibernate’ in our own space. You express gratitude for the good things you have and that you have a safe place to be. Don’t push yourself, if you really need to relax and rest. However, if you are worried about the ’emptyness’ and this is painful for you, yes, it could be good to make steps back into some sort of social life that is right for YOU. Perhaps take one small step at a time. You don’t need to meet lots of people or do lots of things – think what you would really enjoy and which person you would like to be with. Then be brave and try something. You may be delightfully surprised about where this can lead you!
But don’t forget all you have achieved and got through also. Remind yourself how far you have come, too.I send you my good wishes,
Monique
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Thanks Cat and Monique for your kind and supportive posts!! I really think that I have come a long way. Cat I am learning to let go and let my Daughter’s stand on their own and to not hold my Grandson so tight. It is hard but I know I need to do it. This afternoon was especially hard for me as my youngest Daughter (drug addict) text me and we had a brief conversation. Her boyfriend of 6 years is in jail and going to prison for a couple of years. He has violated his probation repeatedly and now there are no more chances and he is going to serve out his sentence (burglaries). My Daughter is upset. See, she has always had a boyfriend since she was 17 years old. And yes, they are drug addicts also. She doesn’t know how to function on her own. I want to grab her up and take care of her but I know that it isn’t the answer. She wouldn’t be here long as she would be craving the drugs. She doesn’t work so I don’t know how she is obtaining her drug money but I can only assume. It is heartbreaking and terrifying for me to wonder how she is living and surviving. I had a sleepless few nights as I kept having nightmares about her well being and the end result was so painful to face. I have put this into Gods hands. I pray that he will watch over her and that one day she will want to get help for herself. It’s so hard as a parent to watch your child destroy themselves and all you can to is watch it happen. I tell her all the time that I love her and that her she is worth more than the drugs. Please, oh, please, let her accept that she needs help and is willing to receive it.
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Thanks Cat and Monique for your kind and supportive posts!! I really think that I have come a long way. Cat I am learning to let go and let my Daughter’s stand on their own and to not hold my Grandson so tight. It is hard but I know I need to do it. This afternoon was especially hard for me as my youngest Daughter (drug addict) text me and we had a brief conversation. Her boyfriend of 6 years is in jail and going to prison for a couple of years. He has violated his probation repeatedly and now there are no more chances and he is going to serve out his sentence (burglaries). My Daughter is upset. See, she has always had a boyfriend since she was 17 years old. And yes, they are drug addicts also. She doesn’t know how to function on her own. I want to grab her up and take care of her but I know that it isn’t the answer. She wouldn’t be here long as she would be craving the drugs. She doesn’t work so I don’t know how she is obtaining her drug money but I can only assume. It is heartbreaking and terrifying for me to wonder how she is living and surviving. I had a sleepless few nights as I kept having nightmares about her well being and the end result was so painful to face. I have put this into Gods hands. I pray that he will watch over her and that one day she will want to get help for herself. It’s so hard as a parent to watch your child destroy themselves and all you can to is watch it happen. I tell her all the time that I love her and that her she is worth more than the drugs. Please, oh, please, let her accept that she needs help and is willing to receive it.
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How about a GA meeting Liz? You could be meeting new people and work your recovery.
We all need help with the reasons we gambled about in the first place. That is one contention I have with the program-in my opinion we DO need to know why we gambled because if those things go unaddressed before too long we will find an outlet for those issues-be it our “old” addiction or a new compulsive activity to take it’s place. I am told that folk’s who relaspe after a long abstance from gambling are usually the ones who never worked the steps. I am sorry if I am lecturing I just want to share this warning with you and maybe give myself a kick in the behind to get back to my step work.
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Thanks Bettie!! I have been thinking that I need to go to a meeting but there are none offered in the town. There was once but it disbanded. I am going to reread one of my self help books. I have been thinking about going to the casino since my last post about 30 mins ago. I am fighting with myself now. I know it’s not going to make me feel any better but something is telling me what the hel-!! So, I am getting my book out. Later, I am going to find a good movie on Netflix and make some popcorn and hunker down!! I know why I gamble: stress, being lonely and fear!!! I never have worked all the steps. I need to get my GA handbook out and start reading again and applying it to my daily life. I do feel that I have ignored my recovery!!
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Thanks Bettie!! I will remember that!! I didn’t GAMBLE!!! I read a self help book and started to watch a movie and fell asleep. LOL!! I treated myself to a mani/pedi this morning. Friday, I have a hair and eyebrow appointment. I like the salon that I go to as a lot of the people working there have lived here for a long time. I am looking for a yard work service. I found out today that the woman who owns the salon, her husband has his own yard service business. I have his card and will give him a call soon. I am attempting to cook ribs. My husband was the cook and a good one. I used a dry rub and they are now slow cooking. I will finish them off on the grill and braise them with barbeque sauce. My Mother is coming for dinner this evening. I am thankful that I have this site and all of you to vent to when times are rough. Bettie, thanks for your response as it gave me something to think about and it helped me to detour my gambling thoughts. This morning I went out to my backyard to enjoy my tea and had a awesome surprise. One of the shrubs had beautiful purple flowers on it. I think that it was a sign for me to be thankful and not to take my surroundings for granted. To be in the present.
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A couple of really vital thoughts, there – not taking things for granted and living ‘in the present’. It is always valuable to stop and really think about something good that we have in the here and now – a simple cup of tea, the purple flowers, whatever it is that is ‘right there’ and can be appreciated. Living in the present always helps us to avoid worry about the past or future.
Thank you for that – I have got purple flowers in my mind now!Monique
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Hi Liz, Good for you not giving in to those urges. Those ribs sound amazing. I hope your mother appreciates them. People think that I am a good cook. But, I don’t think there are very many meals that I actually cook by myself. My husband always does something…like make the pesto, grill, timing, etc. I think it would be a challenge for me to do a meal all by myself, especially if I had to grill. Just one more thing for me to admire you for. Your youngest daughter is in my prayers.
I am starting my vacation today. Need to rewire my brain so that when I think of being on vacation, I don’t think about gambling! -
Monique and Ican thank you for your posts!! I have the most awesome views from my home. I am surrounded by beautiful mountains and forests. I do feel grateful for being able to live in such a wonderful place. The ribs were delicious and my Mother did appreciated the dinner. The home inspector called today and the gas appliances are working properly and he found no gas leaks. I met with my Realtor and she faxed over the fix it list and roofing estimate to the seller’s agent. They have 5 business days to reply. So, everything is done on my part. Now I just have to wait for a response. My Daughter and Grandson have been packing (without me). Yeah!!! See, if I stop and leave things to her, she eventually does complete them. She did text me the tonight telling me how much she appreciates me and thanking me for all I have done to get a house for her and my Grandson. Tomorrow morning I hit the gym again. No GAMBLING thoughts today!!
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I treated myself to a haircut and I had my eyebrows done. I feel like a new woman. I treated my Mom to lunch. She was getting grouchy with me and I left and came home. See, I am learning to walk away and keep my boundaries. I am in a great mood and I am not letting anyone bring me down. I am in the final negotiations with the home. The seller came back with a $3500 credit. I want at least $5,000. I am countering them today. Anyways, the weather here has been lovely. We have had a light shower every night. My Daughter says she is progressing with the packing. That is good news as I don’t want to go to the city until I have to sign the final papers on the home and the walk through. I hope everyone is having a good day!!!
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Well, I walked away from the house deal. The owner didn’t want to budge. I am going to be looking again at houses this coming week. We are going to concentrate on a area a little west of where we were looking. The houses are newer and we shouldn’t run into roof issues, ect… Another part of the journey.
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Try not to be too dissapointed Liz. Seems we have a plan and God has a different one for us. Things happen for a reason. Maybe there are other things wrong with the house that you don’t know about. A bad roof could have left mold somewhere that has yet to be discovered.
I’ve no doubt that things will work out like they should.
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Bettie, that’s what I thought too!!! Everything does happen for a reason. The seller signed a roof certificate saying the roof was okay. I knew the front of the roof was shot when we first viewed the home. Something isn’t right there!!! I don’t mind looking till we find the right one!! I just didn’t want to have to deal with the heat! LOL!!! My Realtor (who lives in the town I do) is so busy and she really doesn’t have the time to go to the city has referred me to my new Realtor who lives in the city. She seems very energetic and focused. I am headed for the city on Tuesday morning. My Grandson called last night and asked me when I was coming to see him as he is really missing me. Oh, he was so sweet. I am going to take a couple days to spend some time with him also. School will be starting soon and he is one busy guy with his karate and baseball. I think he needs some Nana love!!
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I am real upset today and feeling low! It’s one of those days that didn’t start off right!!! My Mother called and wanted me to come over for lunch. We have been getting along quite well together and she has seemed to stop before she crosses my boundaries as she knows that I will get up and leave. My Sister was texting me. She wants to move here when she retires in 4 years. She is looking at properties for sale but she can’t afford to buy something yet. So, I was relaying what was being said to my Mother. Then my Mother blurts out that I could be helping my Sister instead of my Daughter with a home purchase. She must have seen the look on my face and said that it wasn’t any of her business. I told her that it wasn’t any of her business and that I would do what I wanted with my money. I got up and went home. WHY does she bring me to tears and make me feel angry towards her??? I am angry now as she says such ridiculous things. She doesn’t filter anything. I think she is trying to sabotage my relationship with my Sister. We are still trying to piece back together our relationship. I am feeling a lot of anger and hurt right now!! I know that I need to let it go and release it and move on. It is just hard when someone who is supposed to love and care for you keeps hurting you. I have things to do around my home before I leave for the city tomorrow. I will keep busy and stay positive!!
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The people who matter most to us – the ones with whom we would just so love to have a great relationship – are also the ones who can hurt us most. I obviously do not know your mother, but I can see from your posts that things are often difficult between you. I think it is often one of the hardest lessons for us to learn that our parents may not be able (for whatever reasons) to give us the kind of love, nurture, acceptance etc that we so need.
I’m sure you have heard much of this before, so apologies, but it is such a hard thing in so many lives. Ideally a parent nurtures their little one at the BEGINNING of life and then that little one grows up with good self-esteem and wonderful mental health! BUT that parent was also once a little, vulnerable baby/child and had imperfect parents and maybe tough circumstances in life and so on and so on … Each generation passes on some of the neediness and hurt and is not quite able to give what the next one wants.
I think each of us has to try as best we can to come to terms with that hurting bit of our life and recognize that we may never get what we need from parents, but have to care for ourselves and receive love and acceptance from friends/partners/others who have the capacity to give it. I guess we then have less expectation from the parent and maybe can gradually feel less ‘raw’, when they say/do something that hurts. It’s an area where we probably recognize the ‘triggers’ and have to take special care.
You find that you need to walk away. Is there anything that helps you then just become more calm and accepting? – any words you can say over to yourself, ideas you can recall, activities that help?
You are doing so much in several areas of life. You write about your experiences and allow others to know you and learn from you. We appreciate that.
All good wishes in everything,
Monique
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Monique, I have come to the realization that my Mother is incapable of giving me the love that a parent should give their child. I was always afraid of my Mother as a young child. She was very strict and it was her way or no way. She controlled us with guilt to make my siblings and I behave the way that she wanted us to. If she was mad at you she wouldn’t speak to you for weeks. She would use the other siblings to communicate with you. I always felt very sad that I didn’t have a voice. I was a very shy child and I was so afraid of doing something to set my Mother off. So, I became her perfect child. She liked to spank with a belt. My Sister and Brother received most of the physical abuse. I remember stopping her from hitting my Brother once when I was about 12 years old. I couldn’t bear it anymore. It seemed like the hitting became less after that. It is sad when a child is afraid of their Mother and always feels judged. My Grandmother was awesome and lived across the street from us all throughout my childhood. I could tell her anything and she never judged or used her love against you. I stayed at my Grandmother’s house a lot. She died when I was a adult with 2 children. She was 96 years old. I took her death really hard. I am trying to deal with the pain from my Mother now in a positive way. But sometimes it is raw and so hurtful that I have to walk away. Life is too short and I don’t want to have these feelings of resentment towards my Mother. I want to have a peaceful relationship with her. I have had many urges to gamble after she hurts me but I refuse to go there. I can calm myself down but it takes me awhile to do that. I am still working on how I react to her actions but it is hard. I am sorry for rambling but I think that this helps me to release the pain. The sad result of this is that my siblings and I have major issues that I think stem from our childhood. I am not blaming all of it on my Mother as we have free will to make our own decisions. I have a gambling problem, my Sister has a gambling problem and had a drinking problem, and my Brother has had a major drug addiction for years. My Sister and I have children who have drug addictions. Words and negative actions have a huge impact on how children perceive themselves and the world.
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Thank you for sharing more of your family story. I totally agree that negative words and actions have a huge impact on children and how they will develop. It must be so painful to see all that suffering within your family circle.
But you have also a great spirit for making something good – the way you fight on, you share openly with us here on the forum and you work hard for yourself and your children, in spite of the heartache you have experienced.
Maybe the negative was ‘modified’ by that wonderful grandmother, who demonstrated something different. Losing her must have been so sad for you, even though I’m sure you were thankful she had a long life. And I think another important message is that we CAN change things with the right support and inner determination. For some people that struggle is harder because there was so much damage when they were young, but ultimately there is hope for us all, when we find help and use it to the best of our ability.
I write here now as a member of the GT Team and I am a counsellor by profession, but I also had an unhappy and sometimes abusive first marriage and a son who developed a gambling addiction.
It is good to ‘talk’ with you.All good wishes,
Monique
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Hi Lizbeth, mothers are strange. We know they love us, but yet they know how to push our buttons. I have just had a lecture from my mum for not feeding my son enough. He has lost a lot of puppy fat and is looking really well, but my mum thinks all children should be overweight. I think it is a matter of pride to show kids are well fed or something! Who knows? Probably goes back to the irish famine. I had a fat childhood and it is one horrible thing I will not inflict on my son!!!
Anyway you are doing really well. I am so impressed with how you handle your mum. You set boundaries while keeping a close relationship. You are also a great role model in how you are working so hard at being gamble free. It can be done and I love that your thread sends that message to us all!!
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Monique and Sad, It was good to see your supportive posts this morning. I had a restless night thinking about my Mother and how I should of handled the situation. I think I did the right thing by walking away because I didn’t want it to become any worse as things are said that we can’t take back. I know one thing, I love my children and Grandson with my whole heart. We might have tough times but I will always be there for them and never judge them. I want to be their safe place as my Grandmother was for me. Those memories with her, I will never forget. I am going to the city this morning. I will be seeing my youngest Daughter (addict) today. I give her all of my love and I keep telling her that when she is ready for rehab, I will support her all the way. Later, I am picking up my Grandson from karate camp. He is my love-bug. We have a bond that is special. My oldest Daughter and I are going house hunting tomorrow afternoon and during the week. She and I have come a long way. I am so proud of her for being drug free for 19 months. She works hard, goes to meetings and counseling. She has a fantastic job, can afford a new home and best of all she has a great relationship with her son. I am thankful for many things in my life but seeing my children happy and healthy is the best thing that could happen for me. I love my Mother and I am going to move on from this last incident. She is who she is.
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I am in the city. Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with my youngest Daughter. We got lunch out and took it back to her friend’s condo where she is house sitting. It was a lovely afternoon and I told her my hopes and dreams for her. I don’t know how much really sunk in but I am hoping that she was listening a little to me. My Grandson and I are hanging out together. He wanted to stay with me instead of going to karate camp. In 3 hours, we will be house hunting again. We didn’t hit it off right away with our new Realtor. She previewed the homes that we emailed her and had something negative to say about each one. We told her that we appreciated her feedback but that we still wanted to see our list of homes and make are own opinions. We will meet her in person today and I am sure everything will be fine. Houses here in our price range aren’t staying on the market long. We have decided that we would prefer a home with a pool as it is so hot here and we all enjoy swimming. It’s fun to watch my Daughter and Grandson be so excited about looking at homes and finding a home. Keeping my fingers crossed that something on our list will be the one!!!!
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The house hunting was intense. We found a home that all of loved! (daughter, grandson, and me) Our Realtor just left as she came by for me to sign the papers for a offer. I am in another small bidding war as someone else wants this property. The good thing for me is that I am pre- qualifed and my financing is preferred by the seller over his. We will know by 5pm today. A little about the house, it is a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, plus den. There is little that has to be done, a few small cosmetic fixes. The lot is a corner lot and huge. There is RV parking and a pool. We are keeping our fingers crossed!! It is below what we expected to pay. (the payments will be lower than expected) The neighborhood is awesome. I am spending the day with my Grandson. We are planning on going to the aquarium. Oh, my Daughter is doing a wonderful job packing and has accomplished alot!!!
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Thanks Monique, We got the house!!!! And at $5000 less than the asking price. Now we need to get through the inspection and appraisal. My Daughter and Grandson are thrilled!! My Grandson and I spent the day at the aquarium and then played some video games. He is going back to karate camp tomorrow to see his friends there as he only has a few days till school starts. I am tired today. A lot of anticipation and excitement!!
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I am ready to go home! I have been here since Monday morning and I want to sleep in my own bed. LOL!! I called the inspection company and they will be out to the new home on Monday morning. I am signing the new loan papers tomorrow afternoon. So, either tomorrow afternoon or Saturday morning, I am going home. I dropped off some paperwork this morning at my cardiologist’s office so I can have my prescriptions mailed to me instead of going to the pharmacy in the city to pick them up. The front office lady looked confused and was really rude to me. I explained the papers and she said she would give them to the nurse but acted like she was in la la land. Really?? My life depends on these medications. I could have a stroke or another heart attack if I don’t have them. (I have a supply and I won’t let myself get too low before I make sure the paperwork is done) She just had a attitude like she didn’t care. It really pissed me off!! Maybe she was having a bad day!!! Tonight we are going shopping to get school supplies and clothes and shoes for my Grandson. My Daughter has a table at a job fair as she is hiring a assistant to help her at work. Hopefully she will find someone!!
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Thanks Charles! I am excited but holding my breath till the home inspection and appraisal is done. I spent the day with my Mother and Sister. It was a good day!! Tomorrow we are going to have breakfast together. Monday, I have a lot of papers to fax concerning the house and then I am heading back to the city. I am going home Tuesday morning. It is my Grandson’s first day of school (3rd grade). My Daughter and I are going to help him carry all of his school supplies to his class and then I can meet his teacher. He will be spending next weekend with me as it is my Daughter’s best friend’s birthday and they have plans. I am tired tonight and plan to go to sleep early, for me. I hope everyone is having a good weekend.
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I am in the city today!!! The home inspection went well and there are no major issues. There are a few small things to fix. I was pleased with the results!! I enjoyed being with my Sister this weekend. We had a fun time!! I have come a long way in that relationship. A few months ago, we hadn’t talked in over 1 year. I am hopeful that we can move forward and the relationship will grow. Things change when you can put things in the past and move on. I am learning that living in the present makes life much more calm. I am also learning not to have preconceived ideas on the future. I just make plans and try to follow through, although it doesn’t always happen. I don’t feel like I have caught up on my sleep yet. The last few nights I didn’t sleep well. It’s hard sometimes to stop my mind from racing and relax my body. I am going to start meditating tomorrow. I think it will be helpful!!!!
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(((Liz))) Even though I haven’t been posting to other people’s threads, I read all postings. With your busy schedule, I wonder where you get the time to post. LOL! Your grandson going back to school should free up some time for yourself. I know you love spending time with him, but hopefully you’ll have some “You Time” soon. Sounds like that last house is a winner! I hope everything goes well with your purchase and the appraisal, so you can get your grandson and daughter settled, and then be able to move on from house hunting. I have to say that you are the strongest person I know emotionally. What you have accomplished since your husband got ill and then passed away is ridiculously awesome! Look after yourself dear friend! Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post!! I am getting the home insurance and the last things that the underwriter needs done. I think I have a cold. I thought it was allergies but no!! I am not surprised as I have been running back and forth to the city and not eating very well or working out on a regular basis. My Grandson is spending the weekend with me as I promised my Daughter that I would watch him so she could spend the time with her best friend as it is her birthday. I am taking my Mother out for lunch today and then intend on spending the rest of the day resting. Carole, I will be happy when my Daughter and Grandson are settled in the new home. My Grandson is happy with his new teacher and his best friend is in his class!!!! It’s been raining here and has cooled down a lot. Have a great gamble free day everyone!!
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Thanks Carole for your post!! I am getting the home insurance and the last things that the underwriter needs done. I think I have a cold. I thought it was allergies but no!! I am not surprised as I have been running back and forth to the city and not eating very well or working out on a regular basis. My Grandson is spending the weekend with me as I promised my Daughter that I would watch him so she could spend the time with her best friend as it is her birthday. I am taking my Mother out for lunch today and then intend on spending the rest of the day resting. Carole, I will be happy when my Daughter and Grandson are settled in the new home. My Grandson is happy with his new teacher and his best friend is in his class!!!! It’s been raining here and has cooled down a lot. Have a great gamble free day everyone!!
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I didn’t do much today. My Mom and I went to the grocery store and I spent some time with her. I am going to the city tomorrow to pick my Grandson up from school so he can spend the weekend with me. My cold isn’t any worse. I am going to have some soup and then just rest for the remainder of the day!! Hope everyone is having a awesome day!!
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Well, my Grandson and I made it back to my house. The rodeo is here this weekend so there was a lot of traffic on the way home. We might see a movie tomorrow. Otherwise, we are going to hang out at home. It is 30 degrees cooler than it was in the city. I am tired but my cold is almost gone. Hoping to sleep well tonight. Have a great weekend everyone!!
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Hi Lizbeth, wow such a lot has been happening in your life. I admire the way you embrace change,both in your circumstances and relationships . It is great that you and your sister are On good terms. You have a tight network of people around you , which is unsurprising as you are a very giving person. Lovely to catch up on a that’s been happening with you!
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Thanks Sad for your post! I am busy but that’s the way I like it. I have learned a lot from my Husband’s illness and death. I am learning to live in the present. I want to make a effort to mend any relationship I can as I we don’t know what life has in store for us. I feel like it is the right thing to do. I may not agree with what other’s do but that is alright, everyone need to live their lives how they see fit. I am still learning about putting up my boundaries as I don’t want to feed into bad behavior or argue over things that are not of importance to my life. I am learning that I can’t make everyone happy and that it isn’t my job to. (people pleaser) Everyone is in charge of their own lives and happiness. It is hard to unlearn the way you have thought since childhood but it a much healthier life I live now. My Grandson and I saw Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles last night and of course he loved the movie. On the way home he talked about his Papa and cried. He misses him so much. I miss him to but I can usually go to fond memories and think of the good times. It is so hard for a child to comprehend. But it is healthy that he can talk about it and it is healthy to cry. He will always be in our memories. We are heading back to the city this afternoon. I will probably spend the night. Oh, just heard from the Realtor this morning and the owners are going to do all the fixes I requested. The appraisal is on Wednesday. We are almost done!!! Yeah!! I am going to work on my backyard this week as the rain has caused a lot of weeds. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!
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Hi everyone!! What a difference a day makes! I had a real yucky day yesterday and I was real crabby!! Doing much better today. I came home yesterday morning from the city and was besieged with requests from the mortgage company, title company, ect.. to sign and return paperwork to them. I guess I just wasn’t in the mood but knew it had to be done. Oh, one good thing about yesterday is that I figured out how to scan and email attachments. I have been paying to fax paperwork to the mortgage company, ect.. Sometimes it takes me awhile to figure things out, but I do! LOL!!! The appraisal came in today and the home appraised at $10,000 more than I am paying for it. Good news!!! It is raining here today and has cooled off a lot. I have my doors opened and it is wonderful. Nothing planned today. I think it is a good day to veg and relax as I deserve it!!!!
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Why do things have to be so difficult? Maybe it is just me and I feel like I am at the end of my rope with this new house deal! The appraiser wants the patio roof checked out as it had been leaking but the roof was replaced over 2 weeks ago in that area. There was some water damage to the underside of the roof. So, I had to call the inspection company again and they are going out there tomorrow afternoon to see if there is any leakage and will be emailing me a letter stating what they find. They were awesome as they aren’t charging me anything as he will be in that area tomorrow. I guess I am just ready to get this over with!! I had to close my Husband’s Facebook page down today. My Husband befriended a man who leased the condo next to us. They would sit on the patio and drink beer together after my Husband came home from work. Everyone here knows that my Husband was a functioning alcoholic. This man didn’t work (don’t know where he got his money to live) as he was a full blown alcoholic. Well, he started posting on my Husband’s Facebook when he was obviously drunk and would go on and on with nonsense. Everything he was posting was going to my Husband’s friend list. I messaged him and asked him to stop as he was saying some very strange and I felt insulting things. He messaged me back saying that he wasn’t going to stop so I had to have my Husband’s page removed. He thought that he was doing nothing wrong. But now I don’t have to deal with his postings anymore!!!! It was sad as I liked to go on his page sometimes but I have all of the pictures that were posted there. I guess you have to do what you have to do!!!
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Hello everyone, I worked in my backyard (weeding) for 3 hours this morning. I kind of let it get out of control, so I will be working on it this weekend. I have had a emotional day. I belong to a grief support group (online) and I hadn’t been on the site lately. I went on and read some threads and posted. I got teary eyed and real emotional. I miss my Husband and I feel lonely today. I try to keep busy but it doesn’t make up for the hugs and closeness we had. We always had each other to talk to and he was my friend. It just sucks not having him here. I am moving on with my life but it is hard to let go him. Thankfully, I haven’t been having urges. It would be a great excuse to gamble but it wouldn’t fix anything. I guess I am still grieving. If I wasn’t feeling this pain, then there would be a problem. I just need to let it out and feel it.
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Today, I have thoughts of gambling. My Mother is mad at me again. She is so angry and full of rage. I brought lunch to her yesterday and she let lose on me. She is always complaining about all of her neighbors. I asked her if that was working for her. Maybe, I shouldn’t have said anything but honestly I am so tired of hearing the same thing over and over. No one can do anything right in her eyes. She wonders why none of the neighbors don’t want anything to do with her. After she called me a lair and started cursing at me, I told her that I was going home. She continued as I was walking down the stairs to get to the driveway. I know she must me so unhappy with her life but she is out of control. I am keeping my distance till she can calm down. It is sad that I am letting her outburst make me feel sad and that I am entertaining the thought to gamble. I guess I am still wanting a relationship with her that I am not ever going to have. When I talk about the new home or anything in my life, she is not there. She acts like she could care less. I am finding it hard to have any kind of relationship with her. It is so superficial!!! Anyways, I won’t gamble!! I will fight the urges as it isn’t worth it!!! I have decided to go to church tomorrow for some fellowship. I need to be around people and in a healthy environment.
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I’m sorry you have had such a distressing time again with your mother. But I am glad that you are able to fight the urges to gamble and that you really KNOW that gambling is not worth it. I hope church was good for you and you found yourself supported by a kind and supportive environment.
It’s good you can continue to support others, even as you struggle with your own painful times.
Monique
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Thanks Monique for your post. I went to the early church service. Everyone was nice and I enjoyed the fellowship but it was mostly elderly people in attendance. I did feel more calm and peaceful when I came home. I am not knocking it but I need to find a congregation with some people my age. So, I am still looking!! But I did put myself out there!! I woke feeling sad about my Mother but I am so tired of her telling me all my faults and calling me names. She is just putting a bigger rift between us. She is so hurtful. I keep letting things go or die down so we can start over and have some kind of relationship. The truth be told, I get more feelings and emotion from a stranger. She could care less about what is going on in my life. I keep letting things die down and then I contact her and try to start over again. This time, I need to just lay low with her for awhile. The last time my Grandson was here and crying about his Papa, she said he would get over it. Really?? No emotional bonds, nothing with her. I didn’t gamble as I am not going to let my emotions take me there. I plan on going through the last few boxes that I’ve never unpacked. Struggling but not defeated!!!
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My gambling urges and thoughts are lessening. I have gotten through another rough patch and didn’t give in to the evil thoughts. My Mother called this morning and asked if I was still mad at her. I told her that I wasn’t mad but hurt as I don’t deserve her cursing at me and calling me a lair. I went home as I don’t want to argue with her anymore. She said she wasn’t mad at me either. Okay?? Of course she didn’t apologize as she never does. She asked me to come over for lunch and I did. I didn’t stay for a long time as she was argumentative again. I almost think that she can’t help herself as she as been this way for so long. I am thinking of ways to deal with her behavior. My Daughter called today and my Grandson fell off his scooter and broke his left arm. He was wearing his helment thank goodness!! He is taking it in stride. Baseball practice started yesterday, so he will have to play when the league starts without the practice time. Last year, right around this time he fractured his right wrist at the trampoline park and was in a cast and missed baseball practice. When he was 4 years hold he broke his right wrist. I think we need to put him in a bubble! Well, he knows the low down for this week when he gets the permanent cast put on!! He was so sweet when I called him this evening. I should know in the next few days if the underwriter is going to approve the home loan. I guess I have been stressed about that also and maybe everything contributed to my gambling thoughts. Tomorrow is a new day!!!! Things will be better.
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I hope all will be well for your grandson, also with the home loan.
I’m glad you are standing strong against the gambling urges and know that is not a good path to go down! Of course you will have been under stress about the loan and all the other things associated with buying property. It is a well-documented fact that buying a house/moving home etc are amongst life’s most stressful events – but knowledge is the beginning of taking control of these things. Looking after yourself is important.
You are probably right to say that your mother may not know how to behave differently – or at least it is not on her agenda to try to do so. And, as you say, you are the one who will have to find your own best ways of coping and managing.Best wishes,
Monique
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Thanks again Monique for your post to my thread. I appreciate your support and insight. I picked my Mom up this morning and we hit the gym. It had been awhile since we had been there. My cardiologist said that if I could do 1 mile in 20 mins, I was doing good. I did it!! Although, barely and I had to push myself. It’s always good for me to challenge myself and set my goals higher. I didn’t stay at my Mom’s long as I wanted to go home and do a few things. I have a list of to do’s for this week as my home and yard suffer when I am in the city a lot. My Realtor called and the patio roof was repaired yesterday. We have been having a lot of rain and there was a small leak. Luckily, it was caught before we bought the home. Of course the lenders want verification that the repair was made and we need to get another inspector out to the home. My Realtor knows someone who is gong out tomorrow free of charge!! Awesome!! Now, I am just waiting to hear what the underwriter is going to say. There shouldn’t be any reason not to approve the loan but I am keeping positive thoughts about the result. I am going to straighten out my closet and go through a few boxes. I donated 4 bags of clothes recently to a charity for women and kids (shelter). I had 2 bags of my Grandson’s clothing that he had outgrew. I know that someone can use them. I hope everyone has a great gamble free day!!
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I went to the gym today and worked out. It felt good!!! I heard from my loan processor that they will be getting the closing papers together soon as soon as the patio roof is fixed properly per the appraiser’s condition. The last fix didn’t stop the leaking. When our inspector went out yesterday he found problems with the patio roof and gave the seller’s a estimate cost of replacement. The seller’s are getting another estimate today or tomorrow. They will need to fix it so we can close. I am looking at this in a positive way as it will be fixed and we won’t have to deal with it. It might set us back a few days from the closing date but it’s better that we find out now and get it fixed. I unpacked the 2 remaining boxes in my Grandson’s room and today I am doing some more organizing today. I didn’t sleep well last night as I think I was trying to think of too many things at once!!!! Tonight I will sleep well.
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You are one amazing woman.. i am constantly in awe of how you get so much into your days and the things you get into.. buying houses, and going to gym and looking after the grandson and racing here there and everywhere… i get tired just reading it..
You are doing so well with your recovery.. i admire your determination especially when your mother encourages gambling.. i dont quite know how you do it all.. thank you for your encouragement to me it put a smile on my faceP
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Thanks P for your support and encouragement. I was so tired this afternoon that I took a nap. Hopefully, I won’t be up all night!! I am ready to slow down a little once the home has closed and my Daughter and Grandson are settled. I would like to concentrate on my life and things that I would like to do. Today, I received a box of cookies in the mail from my lender. It was a thoughtful gesture. I would really like to investigate meditation and yoga. I think that both would be helpful in my physical and mental health. I am ready to experience some new things in my life!!
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I have been going to the gym daily. I always feel better when I go. My agenda for the rest of the day is to finish cleaning the house and weeding the backyard this evening. We aren’t closing on the house on the 5th as we had to take care of the patio roof leak, so that slowed down the progress. The lender is working on my closing documents and since this is going to be a long holiday weekend, I won’t hear from them till Tuesday. Hopefully, we can get some kind of time frame so my Daughter can get the moving company in place. So, it will happen somewhere between the original moving date of the 19th and the date we wanted to move, the 5th. As long as it happens soon!! LOL!!! Have a great gamble free weekend everyone.
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I have been going to the gym daily. I always feel better when I go. My agenda for the rest of the day is to finish cleaning the house and weeding the backyard this evening. We aren’t closing on the house on the 5th as we had to take care of the patio roof leak, so that slowed down the progress. The lender is working on my closing documents and since this is going to be a long holiday weekend, I won’t hear from them till Tuesday. Hopefully, we can get some kind of time frame so my Daughter can get the moving company in place. So, it will happen somewhere between the original moving date of the 19th and the date we wanted to move, the 5th. As long as it happens soon!! LOL!!! Have a great gamble free weekend everyone.
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Hi All! I am still in my pj’s, just relaxing. I am really happy with myself that I haven’t gambled as I have felt so much pressure and stress with this new house and all of the paperwork, ect.. involved with it. I have had some urges but have refrained from acting on them. Hopefully, I will be closing soon and I can return to my normal life. LOL!! I am heading to the city tomorrow afternoon as I have a appointment to have my car serviced. My Grandson called me yesterday and he is missing me a lot. He is doing alright with his cast (arm) but hates having to sit out on PE and recess. It’s for 6 weeks and it will go by fast. I am trying to talk my youngest Daughter into coming back home with me for a few days. She says yes now but that could all change by the time I am ready to come back home. My oldest Daughter saw her yesterday walking down the street and stopped to say hi to her. She called me telling me how thin and horrible she looked. I am afraid that if she keeps doing the drugs that she won’t be here very long. I know that I can’t make her stop as that is her decision to make. I would like to spend a few days alone with her and just enjoy our time together. So, I am just doing some laundry then I am going to my Mom’s for lunch. Nothing else going on.
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Hi Lizbeth
I am so happy for you that you haven’t gambled too and it amazes me that all you have been through and the things you face that you haven’t and i think wow you are really going to make it.. if you haven’t gambled now, you are going to get through this..
I love how supportive you are to everyone in your family and your GT family too.. always your kindness shines through.. i love seeing your posts.. i feel the heartbreak for your youngest daughter but i think you have such a great mindset for it.. that you know through your gambling experience too that the addict in us is impossible to stop till we are ready ourselves..Thanks for always being here Lizbeth..
P
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Thanks P for your post! You have always been there for me also! I am so glad that I have such great support here. I know that I couldn’t have come this far in my recovery without it. My Mom is sick today. Some kind of stomach bug. I live right down the street if she needs anything. I will make sure that I go by there on my way out tomorrow. My nerves have been on end and will be till the house deal is final. I had to pay my debt consolidation off to get this loan and that was fine as it is one less payment every month. Last week my lender called and said there was another thing on my credit. It was from over 7 years ago and I had made monthly payments on it so the collection agency could report it again on my credit. We did a 3 way call with my creditor and there was a $53 payment still owing on the account. I had to pay it as my lender wanted a 0 balance. I know that I had paid that account off but I don’t keep my old checks for that long and since then I have changed banks. That was when I was gambling heavy so it could be true. Oh, I hope that I have met all the underwriters conditions so we can move to the closing phase soon!!
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I am amazed as I read your posts – there is such vivid description of a busy life, with so many things happening and you show how you cope from day to day.
House buying and moving are very stressful events in life, even when other aspects of life are relatively simple, so I’m so glad you have been able to maintain a healthy regime for yourself and resist any urge to gamble.
It is so sad about your daughter. As a mother, I can feel for you – for me, it is a son who is cg. We can keep the love alive in our hearts but we cannot make them change. That is painful.
Now, I hope all goes smoothly for you and look forward to the next news!Monique
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I have been busy today. I had my car serviced and had lunch with my youngest Daughter. She is not ready yet to admit that she needs help with her drug addiction. She doesn’t want to hear anything about it. For now, I just want to relish my time with her as we don’t know what the future holds. I am at my oldest Daughter’s apartment now waiting till I pick my Grandson up from his after school program. He is doing as well as possible with his cast. We were both glad to see each other yesterday. My Daughter went to a concert with her friend and he and I were alone last night for about 4 hours. He was upset as he had to go to bed at his allotted time and that Mom got to stay up late. LOL!! He didn’t dwell on it long as he was fast asleep before I could finish reading a chapter of his book. He was in a good mood this morning as we had breakfast together and I took him to school on my way to get my car’s oil change. The lender called me this afternoon and the underwriter is missing a copy of a debt that I paid off, which I sent to them on August 13th. Luckily, I had it in my emails and was able to email it to her. So, my loan is back to the underwriter again. My Realtor is setting up my final walk through for this Saturday. She says she is having some challenges with either the agent or seller’s. I don’t know what that means but CALGON take me away!!! I am so trying to keep it together so we can close on this home. I guess I am staying the whole week with my Daughter so I can get this done. She is 3/4 of the way packed. Tomorrow, I will spend the day packing up what I can to help her. I know I said I was going to let her take care of it herself but I can’t sit here and do nothing. I dropped off 5 bags of clothing to a donation place for her this morning. I suggested that we go out for pizza and games tonight as we need to lighten up a bit. Everyone keep positive thoughts going about the house as I am at the end of my rope with it!!! Hanging in there.
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Hi I am glad you are spending time with your daughter, it must be very hard and emotionally exhausting to watch her go through what she is but i really really admire how you are with her.. and with your whole family.. hope that it goes well with the house, its probably the waiting thats the hardest.. you are so busy with all these other things i am sure the time will pass quickly.. all the best with it..
P
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Thanks P for your post!! Yesterday, I did spend a nice afternoon with my youngest Daughter. It is hard to watch her suffer with the drug addiction but it was good to be with her. She is so thin and frail. She seems to thrive in the drama surrounding her but I think that she has become used to living that way. I can only tell her how much I love her and pray that she is able to want to change her life. My oldest Daughter, Grandson and I did go out for pizza yesterday. We had a good time. I have been packing up my Grandson’s bedroom. I am starting to fizzle out , so I am taking a little break from it. The underwriter came back with a few more requests today. I had to have another 3 way call with a creditor that never reported that my debt had been paid. So, we had to clear it. Also, they wanted to know why I wanted a second home. According to my Realtor these are common questions. So, it is back to the underwriter again. P, this waiting and being in limbo is exhausting. Also, I am still having allergy issues. Still hanging in there and not gambling.
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I had a rough day!! I am not feeling well. My allergies are terrible and the medicine I take for relief makes me sleep. I just feel miserable. I was hoping to have this house deal closed sooner but now I will have to go home after the walk through on Saturday as I will be out of my heart medication. This afternoon I lost it with the lender. I have no printer where I am staying and I told the loan processor that and she emailed me something to print out, sign and return. Of course, when I called her back, she wasn’t there and I talked to her assistant who was very rude. I was rude right back. Really out of character for me but I had had it. I emailed the head processor and complained but haven’t heard back from him. They are making this much more complicated than it has to be. I downloaded the email to my Daughter’s computer and she is going to print it out for me tomorrow at work and then I can sign it and she can fax it for me the next day. You would have thought that the lender could have done that for me and I could have gone to their office and sign it. Just a thought!!! Very disappointing!!! No gambling urge though!!!
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Dear (((Liz)))! Just a thought about your heart medication. Can you get your pharmacy to call a pharmacy in the city and get the city pharmacy to give you a few pills to tide you over? You sound exhausted and fed up with the dog and pony show this new property has involved. Hopefully it will all be over soon, and you’ll have some good quality “you” time. I read your posts but have been busy with looking after my grandgirls, but that will be over soon. Danny is going on a golf trip in October probably in Alabama. He tells me I should go somewhere, but I can’t think of anywhere I’m dying to go. It’s too cold to do the Oregon Coast this time of year. Carole
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Hi Carole!! No, I changed my medications to mail order so I have no standing prescriptions in the pharmacy anymore. That’s alright!! I will go home after the walk through tomorrow and check on my Mother and my home and hang out till I get the call to go and sign the closing paperwork. I am tired, mostly mentally with this home deal but I am hanging in there. My Daughter and I had a few words yesterday as she needs to get it together with the packing. It wasn’t a big deal and she did pack up most of her bedroom. I am going to do the linen closet and bathroom today. I had dinner with my Sister last night as she is renting a condo from a friend and doesn’t live too far from my Daughter’s apartment. It was good!! We talked and went out for a salad! She gave me a nice antique nightstand as she thinks it will look good with one of my bedroom sets. Things have changed a lot for us in the last few months. She and my oldest Daughter are still not talking and I am going to let them work it out for themselves. My Daughter was a little mad or hurt with me when I came back from dinner because my Sister is a sore spot for her. She was fine this morning. Carol, your right, the Oregon coast will be too cold!! Honestly, I can’t even think about vacation right now!!! Well, I need to get to packing. Have a great gamble free day everyone!!
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Wow i admire you.. I love the fact that you can step back and not get involved in others rubbish that is wonderful.. i love it and i learnt something from your post today.. it just reminds me.. we have no control over others, you are doing your part in things.. you are building a relationship with your sister again.. what others choose to do about that is their business. wow i really just loved your post lizbeth it really really hit home with me.. i think you are really such an amazing lady.. you have such strength..
P
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P, Thank you for your post. I am living my life very differently since the death of my Husband. I always thought that I could change someone and that I could fix people and situations. That goes back to my childhood and my role as a people pleaser. But I finally realize (after many years) that I can only change myself and how I react to bad situations and bad behaviors. It has been a long process but I am finally getting it. GOOD NEWS!! I am closing on the house either on Tuesday or Wednesday. Wow, it is almost over!!! We had the walk through on Saturday and everything was great!! We are all in love with this home!! I asked that the pool equiptment leaks be fixed and the seller’s had a new sand filter system put in and new pvc pipes. It is all brand new!!! I came home yesterday afternoon after the walk though. I needed to touch base and be home for a few days. It is good to sleep in my own bed. My Cousin came up to stay a few days at my Mom’s, so we visted today. I am doing laundry, ect… so I can re-pack for when I come to the city to sign the closing papers on the house. I am planning to stay for about 1 week so I can help my Daughter move some fragile items and be there for when the movers move her and my Grandson to their new HOME!!! It’s a exciting time for them!!! I am glad to be a part of it!
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Waiting to hear from the title company so I can close on the new home!! I will probably sign the papers on Thursday or Friday. I went this morning and had a mani/pedi. It feels good to indulge on myself once in awhile. It rained here again last night. My rose bushes are blooming. I have almost every color known. I am just relaxing as I will be real busy while in the city helping my Daughter and Grandson move. Life is good! I kept waking during the night as I was having a lot of dreams about my Husband. I think that he would be happy knowing that I was helping my Daughter get a home. He loved them so much. Also, when I was in the city, my Grandson talked about how he almost drowned in the ocean 1 year ago. A current pulled him under and took him out to sea. He was only up to his knees in the water. If it wasn’t for my Daughter’s friend and the lifeguard he would have drowned. My Grandson believes that his Papa was there with him, helping him to get to the surface so he could get some air before he was taken under again. I believe he was!!! Just a thought!
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I hope that you get to do something nice for yourself some time soon.. you are always always busy if not doing things that you need to do you are doing so many things for so many others too.. i hope your grandsons arm is mending well and i am sure too that his papa was there with him guiding him to the surface.. i believe that too..
P
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Thanks C and P for your posts!! My Grandson’s arm is doing well. He’s just waiting for the day when the cast comes off. P, I am going to do something just for me soon!!!! We closed on the home yesterday. Yeah!! We hit a little snag when we went over with a load of fragile things last night. Only half of the electric was working in the home, no air conditioning. My ex son in law is a electrician and he came right over and found the problem. The electric companies wiring from their transformer to the house is bad. The came out at 10 pm and hooked a temporary transformer to the house to restore all of the electric. So, they are coming back soon to replace the wiring. I have taken 1 load over to the new home this morning and cleaned all the carpeting in the 4 bedrooms and cleaned the pool. I am back at the apartment taking a break and having lunch. I am going to make at least 1 more trip with lamps, ect… back to the new house. The movers are coming tomorrow morning at 7 am. The guy that my Daughter has been subleasing the apartment from isn’t taking back possession till Tuesday so that gives us time to come back and clean. I think I am staying most of next week to help and be at the house when the cable guy, ect… come as my Daughter has to work. So exciting and the house is perfect for them!!!! No gambling thoughts, too busy to go there!!! Take care everyone!
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Congratulations on the purchase of your new home.. what a wonderful thing you have done for your family.. your kindness and generosity to them is outstanding.. I hope you all get good use out of that pool.. how much fun that will be i imagine in the summer days.. no gambling for you, that is the best news of course.. all the other things are bonuses in your life.. well done..
P
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Hi P , thanks for your post. This weekend was just crazy. Saturday was real busy with the move. All went well. It was just a long day! Besides moving the apartment stuff, my Daughter had 2 storage units that the movers packed up and brought here. It was a little overwhelming. The family room is full of boxes and the overflow is on the back patio. Although I have been unpacking for hours, it seems like there is only a small dent made. Also, my Daughter bought a new bedroom set delivered today. The house is awesome and well worth the work. Tomorrow the landscaper is coming to do the front, back, and side yards. The pool guy is coming back to put some more chemicals in the pool. Oh, and new mattresses are being delivered. I am tired already just thinking about it. My Daughter is going back to work and my Grandson back to school. I will be plugging away unpacking and organizing. I am going home on Saturday. My Grandson and Daughter are so grateful and happy. I am happy just seeing them happy. Thank goodness that I have been gamble free and was able to help with the house and was present to experience the joy it brought. I feel blessed.
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Change of plans. Taking my Grandson home with me Friday after school for the weekend. Coming back to stay for another week. My daughter has landed 2 large accounts for the company she works for. Which means a lot of work at home Next week is a short week for my Grandson at school and his Dad is working out of town. I took a break today from unpacking and spent part of it with my youngest Daughter. It was good to see her. I picked up my Grandson from school and took him to get a haircut. School pictures are on Friday. I thought about gambling today as I am surrounded by casinos. Why, I don’t know. The thought came and went. I am tired but the end result is well worth it. The landscapers were here and the front and back yards look awesome. Feeling a little overwhelmed as so much is going on but I am hanging in there. My Daughter told me again this morning that she couldn’t have done the move without me and how she appreciated all my hard work. Its nice to hear
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Just saw7** beside your thread Lizbeth . Your number of posts. Have to move those sevens fast…..I just cannot fathom how you keep up with all the activities! Your daughters and grandson are blessed to have you. Take a rest Liz. Gambling thoughts come when we are tired. deep down somewhere in the CG psyche it seems a visit to the casino will bring some relief….IT WON’T! I can guarantee you it will bring the very opposite. No need to elaborate! I hear you about your youngest daughter. My son has vanished into thin air again. I just stopped chasing him. It causes more stress. Up to them to sort themselves out Liz. When they do, they know where their mothers live!
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Hi Vera! The gambling thoughts went in out of my brain. I won’t be going there. I did think I was having urges as I deserved a break from all of this work. I know in reality that gambling isn’t the answer to any problems. That doesn’t stop the urges from popping up. I can finally see the fireplace in the family room as most of the boxes have been unpacked. Only 75 more boxes to go! How can one person have so much stuff? Grandsons belongings fit into 8 boxes. Time for her to purge. All is well and we are getting along. I am helping her without trying to take over. Trying to find my boundaries with her. Well, I am going to get back to unpacking. Have a great day everyone.
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Hey there busy lady.. you are amazing at the pace you go… i cannot keep up. I really really am astounded at all you do. I hope that family of yours absolutely appreciate you Lizbeth as you so deserve it. I want to hear next time that they are doing something nice for you!!! Wow go have a rest, its a lot of work all that unpacking. Im tired just reading your post hahahaa.
P
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My Grandson is going to spend the weekend with his Dad!! I came home this morning. I had lunch with my Mom and spent a few hours with her. I am going to relax this weekend as I am going back to the city on Monday and staying most of the week. It was good to get home. I am just real tired!!!
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Well, I didn’t do much today. I had dinner with my Mom. She was in one of her depressive moods so I didn’t stay long. It’s sad that she doesn’t seek professional help. This has been going on most of her life according to older family members and my remembrance of my childhood. She continues to live this way and probably will till she dies. It is real painful to watch and hard to be around. I talked to my Sister today and she is leaving at the end of the week to travel to California to be there for the birth of her 5th Grandchild. She has no contact with any of her Grandchildren. Her 2 Sons have fathered their children from 5 different women. None of them live in our state. I have missed out on being a Great-Aunt. Hopefully it will be different with this baby (girl) as my Nephew is married to her and my Sister has a relationship with the baby’s Mother. Keeping my fingers crossed!! I feel blessed that I have a close relationship with my Grandson!! It’s rather embarrassing to reveal some of my family things as it really shows how dysfunctional we are. I am working on my issues and that is all I can do. I am leaving to go back to the city tomorrow. Going to help with more unpacking and my Daughter has a metal shed being delivered on Tuesday. Also, my Grandson gets his cast off on Tuesday. A lot going on!! I did get some rest.
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Today has been busy and it’s only half way over! LOL!!! I took my Grandson to get his cast off. He is wearing a brace now for 2 weeks. No sports, ect… My Daughter is working out of town for the day but will be back late tonight. My Grandson and I are going to go for pizza and games after I pick him up from karate camp. I thought of gambling today but got the thoughts out of my head fast. I don’t want to go back to that!!! I made reservations to go to San Diego the later part of next month with my Cousin. We are going to stay on the beach in a cottage. Sounds great!!! I need to get away and relax. Just doing some things around my Daughter’s home till I pick up my Grandson. I hope everyone is having a great gamble free day!!
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Thanks C for your post. I am hanging out with my Grandson today and tomorrow as it was a short week at school for him. I am going home Saturday for 10 days and will be back as my Daughter is going to Seattle for 4 days. Yesterday was quite the day! My youngest Daughter text me saying that she and a friend were stuck about 3 hours from the city. They ran out of gas. I wired some money to her and she called me later to say that she made it home. I had a little breakdown later as it is so hard to deal with her antics. I am tired of it! I only hear from her if she needs something. I attribute the way she behaves to her drug addiction but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I need to reevaluate how I am dealing with this and make some changes and set up some boundaries. It is always the same thing with her, just another day, week, month and year. It is so mentally draining. Maybe I need to go and talk to a professional about this and find other ways to deal with her as I am not doing well in what I am doing now.
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I’m going home tomorrow. It will be nice to be home for awhile. It is bittersweet as I am getting comfortable here and I have enjoyed being with my Grandson and Daughter. We had a big hug fest tonight and they told me how much they loved and appreciated me and how much they love their new house. I will be back in 10 days to watch my Grandson as my Daughter will be going to Seattle. My Realtor came by this afternoon and brought me the most awesome wind chime. I hung it on my Daughter’s back patio and it looks great!! I am going to pamper myself next week with a medi/pedi and haircut. It will be good to be home for 10 days. Maybe I will get a few things done around my home, yard work, ect…
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Yes Liz,
It does seem you need to set some boundaries around your younger daughter’s demands to avoid further enabling!
As a mother I know how difficult that is especially since you are in a position to help her. As CGs we know all about manipulation and emotional blackmail.
Maybe being stranded and feeling the consequences of her actions is what your daughter needs.
I suppose us mothers will always feel protective towards our children but I think there might also be an element of control in mother/child relationships. We need to be aware of our reasons for doing what we do. I made many mistakes with my sons. One in particular. He is not too slow to blame me for the mess he now finds himself in!
Your grandson seems like a very loving boy! Hope his arm heals!
I have no grandchildren but I love my nieces’/nephews’ children. -
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Thanks for the posts vera and ican! I know that I need to set boundaries with my youngest Daughter and I need to stop enabling her. As a Mother, it just tears at your heart but I feel like I have hit a brick wall with her and that now when she calls I think, what now?? She is becoming more manipulative and I am catching her in lies. I am working on this but it is hard!! The offer of rehab is always on the table for her but she just refuses to go! It will only happen when she is ready. I need to refuse to be drawn into her drama. I made it home and had lunch with my Mother. I am home now in my pj’s as I am tired. We were plummeted with rain and strong winds. My oldest Daughter called and 3 shingles came off the patio roof. My ex son in law said he would take a look at it after the rains stop. Always something but now that my head is on straight, I know that there is always a solution.
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May I recommend “Codependent no more” by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye opener for me. There are stories about familys with kids in similar situtations that you find yourself in. I know many time where I enabled which only prolonged bad behaviour.
Being a “people pleaser” is a very codependent behaviour and I know myself that is a major defect that I have and it is common in CG’s.
bettie -
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Hi Lizbeth. Some great posts! I think that the relationship between mother and child is the most difficult. We are genetically programmed to care for and worry about our kids. It very hard to say no when they are trouble. We all know what we should do but that doesn’t make it easy. I am praying your daughter will get the help she needs. She has just to look to get fabulous mum for inspiration! Addictions are hard to break but it can be done !
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Thanks Bettie and Sad for your posts! I have read all of Melody Beattie’s books. Some of them over and over again. I know logically what I should do but my emotions are telling me elsewise. I have enabled my Daughter! Little steps! I will take it step by step and stop enabling her and put up some more boundaries with her. I need to do this for her as well as for myself. It starts to affect your sleeeping, health, ect… My oldest Daughter called last night as the storm in the city was nasty. The patio roof is leaking again on the new home and there were several shingles blown off the roof. My friend had a tree uprooted in her front yard. My Daughter is going to get someone out there to repair the roof as we don’t want to report it to our insurance as the fix will probably be less than the deductable. I am watching one of my favorite movies, Aliens, the first one. Still in my pjs!!!
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Liz my heart aches for you with your youngest daughter. As a parent we would take the burden of whatever our child(ren) are going through on ourselves rather than them going through it. I don’t know if I would have the strength to not help my kids if they asked. I know that being an enabler is not the way to go for someone with an addiction, but when it is your child it must be just devastating. I pray that your daughter finds the strength to seek help for her addiction. I don’t know what I would do if it was my child, as although everyone can say don’t be an enabler, they have to walk in your shoes to truly understand what it is like for you. One day at a time is all we can do!!!
I have not been posting but have been reading and keeping up to date with posts and I am so glad that everything has worked out well with the purchase of the house for your daughter and grandson. Take care and have a great gamble free day!!! -
Cat it was wonderful to see your post on my thread!!! Thank you for your prayers concerning my youngest Daughter. Even though I know what I should be doing, it is hard as a Mother to cut her off. I am taking it one day at a time. I pray daily for her to find her way. She is always in my heart. I made a big decision today to lose 25 pounds. I have gained that since my Husband’s death and I know that I would feel better losing it. I worked out for 40 mins today, 30 mins on the treadmill at a good clip and 10 mins on the bicycle. I threw out all the junk food!! I am determined to follow through with this. I had to find a new Doctor here as my Doctor that I have had in the city for 20 years is no longer taking my insurance. It was time for me to find a Doctor her anyways. I am going to go by her office and pick up a new patient packet and fill it out and return it. Tomorrow I am going to get my flu shot and get my nails done. I think that fall has hit here as the weather as changed and you can feel it in the air. I called a landscaping service but had to leave a message, waiting for them to return my call. My trees need trimming and the yard is a mess with weeds and leaves. I haven’t been home enough to keep up on it and now it is out of control. Doing some laundry and household things and then I am going to catch up on some reading. I have 2 books going on in my Kindle. I am finally winding down and relaxing. It is nice to be home!! Take care everyone.
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I cant imagine what you are going through with your youngest daughter. I am so glad that you have the awareness though too i guess having your own addiction to see when you are enabling. Some people wouldnt even be aware of that. You are doing the best you can Lizbeth and i can only imagine how hard it would be. All i see is you are such a giver and a caring person. Your kindness really shines through in your posts. I think the people around you are so so lucky to have you. Have a great gamble free day.. thanks for inspiring me to move.. wheres my runners..
P
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Thanks P for the post. Going to work out tomorrow morning as I couldn’t this morning. I had my nails done and went and had my flu shot. I went by the new Doctor’s office and picked up the papers I needed to fill out. I will take them back tomorrow. I had to call another landscaper out as the other one is busy and won’t be able to get to me for awhile. He is supposed to come and give me a quote this afternoon. That’s what happens when you live in a small town. A lot of businesses don’t make it too long and the choices of businesses are smaller. The yard work isn’t going anywhere but I would like to have it done before I leave for the city next Wednesday. Otherwise everything here is fine!! I am enjoying the beautiful weather. I think that winter is coming as I had to wear a sweater all day and last night I had to wear warmer pj’s. I haven’t heard from my youngest Daughter for a few days as her boyfriend just got released from jail. She is very codependent on men and doesn’t go very long without one. I will try to call her today. Take care everyone.
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It is just terrifying when our “children”go off the radar Lizbeth…sometimes my son does that for months. Every time the phone rings my heart stops when he is missing but we have to let them go. We cannot live their lives. When my son comes home, the place lights up but after an hour or two the sparks fly. Then it usually ends up in chaos. ( not a good thing for a CG to have to deal with!) We cannot change them Liz, only set limits and boundaries. I think, as mothers we should follow our instincts more. That way we will know when to move in and when to step back.
I feel guilty when I read your posts Liz! They highlight of my ongoing laziness.
Now that I have stopped gambling, I need to address that sloth!
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Thanks Vera for your posts. I did sent my youngest Daughter a text yesterday telling her that I loved her. She responded with I love you Momma! I love posting here and receiving awesome responses and support. Vera, you are right, I can not change her but I can set limits and boundaries. I have done that but now I have to set more. I can’t be around her for a long length of time as her world is full of chaos and deceptions. We usually have lunch, away from her environment. I don’t give her money (learned from that) but I do take her grocery shopping and I have bought her clothes. She is my baby and I love her dearly but I can’t be around her a lot!!! I did my 40 min workout this morning!! I went grocery shopping and made healthier choices. My Mother offered me cookies (chocolate chip, my favorite) yesterday and I declined!!! So typical of her! She was a little short with me today but I blew it off and went to my hair appointment. Now, I feel sorry for her when I watch her bad behavior. It’s sad that she doesn’t get help for her depression and that she is unable to be happy. I truly believe that happiness comes from within. You can not base your happiness on others. It’s very sad! It is now cold enough here to wear a light sweater. I love this weather. I am getting my sweaters and boots out!!! Today is good!
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I think I may have struck a cord here Liz.
I am an “aware” enabler-my recovery has taught me that.
I think its a human tendancy to say if that were my kid I would….. The reality is so much different! No one knows what we would do unless we find ourselves in the situtation.
I hope you didn’t take my suggestion as critical-I got alot out of that book and I think most CG’s would.
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Bettie, I never thought that you were being critical of my situation. Everyone has their own opinions and suggestions. I have loved everyone of her books and I have gotten a lot from them. I am working through this and I do appreciate any help/suggestions that I can get. It makes me search my mind and heart. I need to find a happy ground where I can find peace for myself. It is hard to watch someone that you love slip further and further down a one way path. But I can’t go there either. I still feel at times very fragile when it come to my Husband. I am trying to mend that hole and move forward with my life. My Daughter needs to find her way as I can’t do it for her. Maybe she will and she may never be free of her addiction. I just want her to know that I love her and will be here to support her when she wants to get help. She knows how I feel about her drug addiction as I have made that clear. We have a relationship but not a close one as the drugs are her everything. I am coping but I need to go to the next level with her for my own sanity. It’s tough right now but I will get through this and be alright.
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Thanks P! I have had a okay day. I took my Mom’s truck and filled it with gas. She hasn’t filled the tanks on the truck for 8 years (since the death of my step-father). She says it scares her to fill them?? I don’t get it but I keep them filled for her. I guess we all have our hang ups and fears. I haven’t been very productive today. I did some cleaning but not much of anything else. Tomorrow I am going to clean my storage shed. I had a work friend ask to be friends with me on Facebook and I accepted. I had blocked her as a friend after my Husband died as she wasn’t very supportive. I have learned through my grief counseling that sometimes people don’t know what to say and sometimes they say things and don’t mean to be hurtful. So, I will give it another try. It’s just strange that she contacted me as I was thinking of another work friend and I sent her a card today. I am feeling a little down today. Don’t know why! Through grief counseling I am learning not to be so hard on myself. I am finding a new path in my life and sometimes it is hard being alone. I had to tell my Mom today that her Sister (only sibling left) was going to a assisted living facility. I talked to her Daughter last night. She is 92 years old and her Husband died recently. She needs 24 hour care and her children all have to work. My Mom took it well and she said she understood and that it was probably the best thing for her Sister. I told her that we would be sure to get the address and phone number so she could keep contact with her. I know it must be sad for my Mother as all of her siblings but 1 have died. My Mother is the youngest and her Sisters and Brothers were in their teens when she was born. She is closer in age to their oldest children, her Nieces and Nephews. It was a little sad as my Mom had tears in her eyes. Oh, I am going to do some reading and try to get out of my mood.
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I had a productive day. I cleaned out closets and reorganized. My house is clean as I am leaving for the city on Wednesday to watch my Grandson while my Daughter is out of town. I come home for 11 days and then I am off to San Diego with my Cousin for 4 days. Can’t wait. I had a few disturbing texts from my youngest Daughter this afternoon. Her boyfriend who is also a addict, is leaving her. They have been together for 6 years and the relationship has always been rocky. She is very codependent on men. She has always had a boyfriend. She has no self esteem. She is always in relationships where she is verbally abused and she accepts it. I tried to be supportive and told her to call me if she wanted to talk as I will always be here for her. I told her that she would be okay and I reminded her that she needed to put herself first. I don’t know how much really sunk in. I reminded her that rehab is always a option as I would take care of it. It just made me sad that she thinks that she is not worth more!!! Also, I started having urges to gamble as a excuse to escape from the pain I feel when I can’t help her. I am not going to gamble but I would like to! I know that it isn’t the answer for me. Why do things have to be so hard and sad sometimes????
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Despite all , Lizbeth, your daughter still knows where to turn when she is in trouble. I see great hope there!
It could be an answer to prayer that her boyfriend is leaving. Now she might be able to see things more clearly!
I envy you for your energy. I love reading about YOU doing all the things I should be doing….maybe tomorrow!
One good thing we have in common, is that we don’t gamble!! -
Thanks Vera for your post. I won’t give up hope for my Daughter! My first thought was that maybe it is good that her boyfriend is leaving but then I thought of her need for companionship and that it won’t be long till she is with someone else. She has been in so many abusive relationships both physical and mental. It’s just a scary thought! But I have no control over that. I just need to keep telling her how much I love her and how much she is worth to me. I will keep putting the offer of rehab to her also. I know that she knows how much I love her. She has told several family members that I am her angel. On my part, I have had tremendous gambling urges, probably from the stress. I haven’t gambled and I am not going to. I went to the grocery store and bought some shrimp as I am making shrimp scampi with pasta for my Mom and I for dinner today. I wanted to clean the storage room today but right now I don’t have any desire to. I am trying to get my head on straight and deal with the stress and fear. It’s just taking me some time. I will get there.
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The urges to gamble have faded. I read a self help book and I read some posts here. It took me a few days but I am fine now and not thinking of gambling. The yard man is here finishing the yard work he started last week. It is looking good. I had to say good bye to my rose bushes for the season as it is time to get the plants ready for winter. I am getting ready to leave on Wednesday for the city for 6 days. I will have one on one time with my Grandson and that is always fun. We are going to a fall harvest festival this weekend. There are hay rides, mazes, plenty of pumpkins to chose from and a lot of activities for kids. We will have a great time!!! Nothing else going on. It is a good day!
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So good to see you got through the urges, well done.. i am having some now as i speak. I am sick of them. I am waiting them out though but i can see how easy it would be to be sucked back in again to that trap. Enjoy that time with your grandson.. what wonderful memories you are creating for him.
P
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Thanks for your post P. We can get through the urges. It is so easy to get sucked back into the gambling. I am making every effort not to go there again. Today I am being tested again. I am letting stress get to me and not to fall prey to gambling urges. I know how to fight them and what to do. My youngest Daughter call this morning with her drama. Her boyfriend left her and now the woman whom she was house sitting for wants her to move asap so she can lease out her condo. I know that I don’t know the whole story as she only tells me what she wants me to hear. My first inclination was to get a hotel room or kitchenette for her. Yes, I can do that but I am enabling her and she is still going to have the same problems as she is not doing anything to straighten out her life. She has friends that she can probably stay with as that is what she has been doing for years. It is just hard and heartbreaking to think that your child might be homeless. I know she is a adult but she is my baby. I am trying to stay strong and not enable her. It just tough. I am not going to let this cause me to gamble. I will be strong! I did have a good morning. I went and worked out even though I didn’t feel like it. I had lunch with my Mother and now I am at home getting things packed to go to the city tomorrow. I can’t change anyone else but myself.
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It’s late here, but I wanted to respond to your last post. You echo my own thoughts and those of many parents when you say ‘she is an adult but she is my baby’. Thinking that your grown-up child might be on the streets or in any dangerous situation is always going to really tug at the heart-strings, especially when we have a comfortable home ourselves. But I have confidence that you will not let this take you down – you will stay on the path that is right for you. Your healthy, gambling-free life is the best thing to create for your daughter as well as for you – she may not see that today, but maybe one day she will want to make her own recovery and will know that you have given her an example. Stay well and strong.
Monique
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Thanks Monique and P for your posts! I made it to the city through a lot of hard rain. My youngest Daughter called me and wants to go for lunch. I am meeting her soon. I have no expectations! I am feeling better emotionally. I am not having gambling urges. I took a long bath last night and was very relaxed and slept well. I meditated this morning for 20 mins and cleared my mind and calmed myself. I need to do this every morning. My Grandson has baseball practice this evening (his arm brace is off), so I will just relax as my Daughter is leaving tomorrow afternoon for Seattle. Life is good we just don’t realize it sometimes!
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Hi Liz, I know you have already had lunch with your daughter, but I am sending a prayer your way. Stay strong and stay strong. You are so right when you say you can’t change anyone but yourself. And let’s face it, that is a full time job! lol Thanks for the reminder that things like meditation, hot baths and exercise are an important part of recovery. We need to take care of ourselves because no one else will do it for us.
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Thanks ican! I need all the prayers I can get concerning my youngest Daughter. We had a good lunch yesterday. She was talking more clearly about her boyfriend and their breakup. I have to face the facts that she isn’t the child that I raised anymore. She is street smart and sometimes says some scary things about what she has seen and done. I can’t dwell on it as it would drive me crazy and she is the only one who can change things for herself. Ican, we can only take care of ourselves. My oldest Daughter and Grandson were very happy to see me and I was happy to see them. My Daughter commented on how I looked like I had lost some weight. I have, not much, but 5 pounds. I am working on being more healthy as I want to be here as long as I can. I am taking my Daughter to the airport in a few hours. I am thinking of picking up my Grandson from school (surprise) instead of karate camp. We have some shopping to do and we are going out for dinner. We are going to have a great time!!!!
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I took my Grandson to school this morning and now I am doing some laundry and straightening the house. I love my Daughters and Grandson but I had a hard time leaving my home and coming to the city. I guess it is my peaceful space and safe place! I will be going home on Wednesday for 10 days before I go to California. Next month it will be 1 year since I moved to my new home. How time flies. It was a good decision and I am very happy there. A lot has happened in the last 19 months since my Husband’s death. I am proud of myself for being able to start a new path for myself. I have made a lot of changes and they have all been good choices. I was worried that I would be gambling again and out of control. I am trying to live a good life and do good things. I know that sounds corny but it is working for me. I have had urges (stress related) and it scares the heck out of me as I know that taking that plunge is only one step away if I don’t work at staying gamble free. I think the hardest thing for me is when I feel lonely, then the urges to gamble really hit hard. But sometimes I feel lonely when I am with people also. I am learning to love myself and to feel content with myself. The best thing in being here in the city is when my Grandson tells me he loves me. He is my sweet angel. He makes life awesome.
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Today ended up being a lousy day!!! The refrigerator guy was supposed to be out between 9-10am. He was out the last time I was in the city and had to order parts for the ice dispenser. He called and tried to reschedule for next Tuesday as he was busy. I told him either he come out today as scheduled or to forget it and that I would call the home warranty company with whom he is affiliated. Low and behold, he was here within 20 mins and repaired it. My ex son in law called, blah, blah. He can’t let my Daughter go!! They haven’t been together for over 2 years! It is starting to effect my Grandson as he is tired of hearing it also. And blah, blah, he can’t take my Grandson to his baseball game tomorrow. He was the one that was gung ho for him playing another season. So, I am taking him. Not that I mind taking him but his Dad puts him in activities and then doesn’t want to participate. My youngest Daughter text me while I was waiting for my Grandson to get out of school. She is packing up her stuff and has to move. Okay, I can’t help her as my Grandson isn’t allowed to be around her and she obviously wants me to get her somewhere to live. I have rented apartments for her with promises of her getting a job and she has been kicked out of everyone. I have gotten her hotel rooms but that becomes real costly. Honestly, I think I am done with all of that. It doesn’t help her! I end up taking care of all of her friends who crash there. My Grandson and I are home and he asked me if we could just stay home tonight and relax. Poor thing, he has long days with school and then karate camp. So, we had dinner and we are making ice cream sundaes later on for dessert. I am just mentally exhasted!!!!
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Hi Lizbeth,it strikes me that you are writing about such normal things.. You grandson being tired, you ex son-in-law etc!! You have come such a long way from when gambling or not gambling consumed your mind! I know you get urges from time to time but you have all your priorities right. I think you are right about your grandson. There seems to be so many kids who are ferried from activity to activity . Kids need time out to chill and be and think… Just like us! I look at some kids nowadays and I think they will grow up not knowing how to relax in their own home. You are wise!!!
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Thanks Sad for your post! I woke this morning feeling a lot better. I think that I had one of the most restful sleeps in months! I think I was on overload yesterday and very tired! My Grandson is sleeping in. He is much too wise for his age. He told me that he was tired of his Mom and Dad arguing and that when they do, it’s very hurtful for him. I fell asleep on the couch last night and he was playing his game. He woke me and told me it was time for bed. We are off to his baseball game in a few hours. Then the rest of the weekend is ours!!!
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Hi all! I am going home tomorrow for 10 days before I leave for my trip to the ocean. We picked up my Daughter from the airport last night and she had a great time with her friend in Seattle. I want to go home but it is hard to leave her and my Grandson. We are going out for sushi tonight (their favorite). I am here with the handyman. The storage shed is almost done! I haven’t had any gambling urges since I have been here though I am surrounded by casinos. I am banned from then all! All is good! I have been watching too much news. Wars, ebola!! It is heartbreaking that so many have to suffer. It makes everything in your life so minute.
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I have been home since yesterday. I took my Mom out for dinner tonight, salmon, vegetables and salad. Yummy! I am cooking dinner for us tomorrow, baked flounder, salad, zucchini. I am trying to eat healthy. Going to meet my new family doctor tomorrow. It was time to find a doctor here. I watched a good documentary last night about manic depression and bipolar. My ex son in law has both and doesn’t take medications for it. It was very enlightening and now I understand why he behaves the way he does. I think it will help me to be more understanding towards him. I have 8 days till my trip. I have many things to do here. Keeping busy keeps me out of trouble.
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I am having a lazy morning. Still in pj’s!! LOL!!! I have joined a online help group for parents who have children that are drug addicts. It is helpful to hear from other’s who are going through the same thing. My Daughter has only contacted me once since I told her that I was not going to help her anymore with a place to live. She needs to figure out her life. It was the hardest thing that I had to do. I hit a crossroad in her addiction and the way I react to it. I have to do what I think is the best for her and myself. It is really hard but I am dealing with it. I haven’t had any gambling urges! Although I was ready to deal with the gambling monster!! I think being at home helped also as I feel peaceful and calmness here!
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I’m glad to hear you took some steps to help your daughter sort out her own life Lizbeth. It would be so much easier to keep “hand-feeding” her. This was a very difficult step for you to take. I know that. When my son was 17, he refused to go to school and refused to get a job. He made life Hell at home and every time he “kicked off”I would run to the casino (CGS WILL ALWAYS FIND AN EXCUSE TO GAMBLE,OF COURSE) Eventually he left home…..Seventeen years old. No job. No accommodation…..He knew that this would always be his home but there would be terms and conditions attached to living here. He didn’t come back. Almost ten years on , and he wasn’t made many changes. He still has no regular job. Just occasional work. He has an apartment which he shares with people who seem to have “issues” and who are now the ones who “press all the wrong buttons” like I did! He ignores my texts and calls most of the time, but does pay us a visit every so often. Usually to help his father, following weeks of pleading . These visits more often than not end up in tears. The last time he was polite to me (I really thought he was turning a corner then) was when I met him, went for a walk and a chat 18 months ago and lent him 2 grand. He promised faithfully he would pay me back by the week. I got about four hundred then the ignoring/abuse started up all over again. Every thing that went wrong in his life is all my fault. Great to be able to blame someone for our own mess!
Of course we will think/hope/pray for our wayward children every day Lizbeth, but we cannot take one step for them. When we can no longer hold them in our arms, all we can do is hold them in our hearts.
My guess is they are survivors Liz and will surprise us yet!
Watch this space! -
Thanks Vera for your insight and sharing your story with me. It helps so much. I also couldn’t get my Daughter to attend high school. She would get kicked out for absents and I would find another school and she would be kicked out. Eventually, I ran out of schools in our district. So, she was supposed to get a job, never happened. She left home at age 17 and is now almost 31. She has lived this way for 14 years. Heartbreaking! She can’t have children and she shouldn’t as long as she is living this lifestyle. She suffered a miscarriage 9 1/2 years ago and there were complications which led to her not being able to have children. She was using drugs at the time and the baby suffered also and couldn’t survive. It was a boy. He would be close to the age of my Grandson (oldest Daughter’s). Very hard to deal with. Earlier today my Daughter text me and said Hi, Hope your day is going well, Love you. I just replied Love you too. Usually this is where I say, How are you? Then the drama starts and she tells me of the drama, I feel bad and offer money. I am trying to change the way I approach her. She hasn’t text me back. She doesn’t blame me for her problems but has a way to make me feel guilty although I know that I am not to blame. I have to break this vicious circle between her and I! Sometimes it gets real depressing!!!
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Just pray for her, Lizbeth. My son would have been the death of me if I hadn’t taken action to protect myself. He raises his voice to the point of no return. Kicks and bangs doors and threatens any one who confronts him . The only one who does is me! My husband ignores him and takes his side when he acts out. My other son hates conflict so never says a word. I really feel very frustrated when I end up being isolated.
My son also went to four different schools and was threatened with expulsion from 3. Of course I kept giving him “second chances”.
That’s very sad about your little grandson, Lizbeth, Heart breaking!
I keep looking for my son’s good points and hope that some day his anger will turn into mature wisdom!
In the meantime, I will protect myself from that anger. -
You are really amazing.. i admire the way you live, the way you are there for everyone but also your healthy boundaries you are putting in too. Liz you have been through some heartbreak and have come out the other side and continue to do so without gambling, how good is that. Of all the times these stressful ones are perfect to send us back out there and you haven’t gone.. just so proud of you Liz.. keep doing what you are doing..
P
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Thanks Vera and P for your posts. Having your support makes it easier to get through the tough times. Vera, I will only have one Grandchild. I would have loved to have many Grandchildren and they would all of been the joy of my life but it is not meant to be. I will continue to pray for my Daughter but I can’t let her take me down too. Emotionally, I feel fragile and I have to keep making healthy boundaries so I can keep my sanity. P, I made a promise to myself when my Husband died that I would live a good and healthy life. I don’t want to have any regrets. I need to be true to myself first. I have had urges to gamble when my stress level is high but I have been able to work through them. I don’t want to be that person again. Some good news: my Grandson made friends with some kids in the neighborhood and has been playing with them today. I am so happy. They are adapting to the new home and surroundings. It is one of the best things to see them happy!!
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I don’t know why but I am feeling a little low today. I don’t feel like getting dressed or doing anything. I haven’t been sleeping well again. When I met my new Doctor on Friday, I thought about asking for sleeping pills. I decided against it as I don’t like taking pills and I want to keep trying others things first. I just think that I have too much stuff going on in my head and it’s hard for me to relax. I am working on it!! By the way, I like my new Doctor. I am looking forward to my trip and being with my cousin. No gambling thoughts!
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Although I didn’t sleep well last night I made myself go to the gym this morning. I walked on the treadmill for 30 mins and rode the bike for 15 mins. I haven’t lost but a few pounds but I have lost some inches. My pants are not so tight!! I am doing some laundry and paying some bills. I am going back to my Mom’s this afternoon for a early dinner. My cousin called today and she is excited about our upcoming trip also. It is a short one, only 4 days but it will be relaxing. No sightseeing plans. I am going to walk on the beach and sit on the beach and watch the sunset. We are going to the shops and I am going to eat some fresh seafood (my favorite). Just a relaxing vacation!! It was cold this morning and the leaves on the trees are changing colors. Beautiful!!!
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Hiya lizbeth,
Sounds like you really need that trip away! I’m sure it will do you the world of good! I’m not sure how long you haven’t been sleeping well for or why, my only suggestions are of the old fashioned kind…..reading a book, hot chocolate before bed, hot bath??? Lol!!
Thank you for your support on my thread, I’ve been absent lately, obviously my mind has been on other things. I’m happy to report that my exclusion is back in place….I thought I would be ok without it, yeah right!
So,i will wish you goodnight my lovely friend, just about my bedtime…..have a wonderful trip, I hope you get all the relaxation you need!!
Love K xxxxx -
Thanks Kathryn for your post! I really do need the upcoming trip. No agenda just a relaxing time! I have tried everything to sleep. I sleep in small spurts and wake up constantly. Though last night I was so tired that I slept very well and feel so much better today. I have been doing some things around the house and I am going to go and clean my car soon. My Grandson’s school conference went well yesterday. He is doing well in all subjects and received a math and reading award. The teacher had nothing but positive things to say about him. I can finally say that I am feeling more positive about my life and that I am ready to make some changes involving meeting new people and getting out of my comfort zone. I am not afraid or apprehensive anymore. I think that it just took me some time to work through all of the feelings involved with my Husband’s death. It was a scary process to go through as I had to admit a lot of ugly things regarding our relationship. I had put our marriage on a pedestal and I think that is what a lot of people do when they lose someone. Our marriage was far from perfect, in fact it was very dysfunctional on both of our parts. It doesn’t diminish my love for him but it puts everything into prospective. Honestly, it was hard to admit my part and how I could have changed it. It was causing me to feel such guilt. But in the end, we both told each other how much we cared and loved one another. I had to let go of the negative feelings to move forward. It has taken me months but to release it, but I feel so much better now. I feel like I am ready to move forward. I am not saying to get into another relationship but to not be stuck anymore and to feel like I want to live again. It’s been a long road but being gamble free has helped me tremendously to think straight. I am grateful everyday for that.
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Hi lizbeth,
Thank you for asking after my mum.
She is doing well, the Alzheimer’s seems to have stalled and she hasn’t deteriorated very much for a while now. Her body is in great condition, she could be here for another 20 years! I’m going to see her tomorrow to assist the facility hairdresser….mum can be difficult and doesn’t like her hair cut, unfortunately for her we have a wedding in 4 weeks so I have devised a plan, along with the hairdresser……she will cut and I will keep mum busy!
I’m really happy where she is, the facility is beautiful, as are the staff. I don’t have to worry about her which is a massive relief.
Anyway, thanks again for your post, take care lovely lady!
Kathryn xxxxx -
Thanks Kathryn for your post. It is good to hear that your Mother is doing well and that you like the facility that she is living in. My only living Aunt (92 years old) went to a care facility yesterday as she needs 24 hour care and all of her children work and are unable to take care of her. She has Parkinson’s and is getting worse. I wonder a lot how it will be if I am unable to take care of my Mother. There are some nice facilities here also. My Mother is slowing down both mentally and physically but can still take care of herself. I see her daily when I am at home. I try to help her as much as I can but I am not in denial that I may not be able to care for her when the time comes. We will have to see. My youngest Daughter text me today asking for money as she has no where to live. I told her no more money. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I need to stop enabling her. Things will never change till she figures out her life. I talked to my oldest Daughter and she was reassuring me that I was doing the best thing. Honestly, I can’t keep doing what I have been doing as nothing changes. So I am hanging in there. I am going down to the city tomorrow to spend a few days with my Daughter and Grandson before I leave for San Diego. Tomorrow night is my Grandson’s baseball game. It will be fun!!! I am not having gambling urges. I am dealing with my sadness!
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I had a nice dinner with my Sister tonight. We went back to her place and talked for 2 hours. I asked her to Thanksgiving Dinner and for Christmas. She didn’t say yes or no, but I did ask her. I am leaving for my trip tomorrow. I am very excited and it will be amazing. I have the house all to myself as my Grandson spent the night with his Dad and my Daughter went to a concert with her friends and is staying the night with her best friend. No gambling for me! Things are going great.
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I am enjoying my time at the beach. We have had some awesome seafood and have done a little shopping. We were looking for shells and forgot about the waves coming in and got totally drenched. It was cold and I had tons of sand in my hair. We had a good laugh. I am relaxing and enjoying the ocean.
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(((Liz))) It sounds like you are enjoying your get-a-way! You are always so busy and you need time to de-compress. I admire the way that you have stopped enabling your youngest daughter, but that has to be such a tough thing for you to do. I have asked my daughter for cash to gamble in the past, and she always said she wasn’t going to enable me to gamble. It made me angry and embarrassed for a short time, because I would think to myself all the things I did to help her. When we enable addicts, I believe it takes them that much longer to hit their bottom where they are sick and tired of their addiction. Hope you have a great time on your trip!! Carole
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Thanks Carole for your post! We did some shopping. I had to get some souvenirs for my Grandson. We had lobster tacos for lunch. Very delicious! Carole, saying no to my Daughter was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I know it is the right thing to do but it doesn’t make it any easier. I pray that she finds the path to want to get help. The last 2 1/2 days has flown by. Tomorrow is our last full day here. It has been fun and relaxing.
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Great that you are enjoying your break Lizbeth.
Our “wayward” children will always be a source of concern for us mothers.
I’m sure it was very difficult for you to say no but you know where it has lead in the past so maybe this will be a wake up call for your daughter.
My son is still AWOL.
All we can do is hope and pray! -
Thanks Vera for your post! My daughter text me with a I love you yesterday and I responded with the same. It is my last day here. I had a fantastic dinner and watched the sunset with my cousin. It has been a relaxing, stress free time. Going back to the city tomorrow. Time flies when you are having fun!
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Hi Lizbeth, sounds like the break has done you the world of good. Well done on saying no to your daughter. It is the right thing to do but still really difficult . Your daughter recognises this. We understand better the anyone that we can only truly work on our addictions when we are no longer enabled!!
Well done !! -
Liz I have not posted for a while, but I continue to read and enjoy your posts, an I know that things are difficult for you at times, but you are handling everything in a good way. I learn so much from your posts. I am rushing to leave for work, but I just wanted to let you know that even though I have not posted I am praying for your younger daughter. Stay strong, and so glad that you are having a relaxing break as you deserve it!!!!
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Thanks Sad and Cat for your posts! Thanks for your support! My Daughter text me again and asked me to forgive her again for her being so selfish. She said that she took a long look at her life and realized how selfish she had been with me and my kindness. That she was glad that I told her no! It is a start! I came home this morning. My trip was nice and relaxing, but I am glad to be home. My Sister is here for the weekend so I stopped by my Mom’s to visit. When we were talking, my Mom kept getting mad about nothing. My Sister asked me why she was reacting that way. I don’t know??? She also wanted to go to the casino. My Sister told her that she didn’t have the money to go and I didn’t respond. I am not financing a trip to the casino. Dah, I just figured out why she is so angry! No money=No casino. I am home now doing laundry and resting. I told my Sister that I would come back tomorrow and we would have lunch together. I’m going to kick back and relax!!
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Hi i was so happy to read your post that your daughter had text you, wow that was one of the best things ive read, she actually recognizes that you wont enable her and you are onto her but that you are doing it because you love her. Wow.. i was really touched by that. I am so glad it is making her look at herself.. wonderful you got this time Liz. Things sound good, had a little chuckle at your mum throwing a tanty for the casino.. i remember i would get soooooo annoyed and just furious if i could not gamble when i wanted to.. its a hell of an addiction isnt it and sounds like your mum has got a taste of it.. i hope that one day she too can see the damge that it does.
Well life is going well for you i think LIz its so nice to readP
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P, my Mother does have a gambling problem but she doesn’t think so. We had a awesome weekend together. We went to several yard sales. My Sister always gets them to lower the prices. I bought a antique settee for my office, a nightstand, a 1920’s quilt and a shelve for my perfume bottles. Of course, I didn’t pay their full price with my Sister there. My Sister has a truck so we were able to get everything to my house. We went for breakfast afterwards and then for a drive to a nearby town, 50 miles away. My Sister wanted to check it out for her youngest son as he is getting out of the service the end of the month, full disability. He just had shoulder surgery and has a brain injury from the war. He is now exhibiting signs of Parkinson’s, major tremors on one side of his body. His life span has been severely altered. Very sad as he is only 29 years old. His wife just had a little girl 2 weeks ago. You never know how lucky you are. Everything is going well. I worked out this morning, ouch. I am committed to work out 5 days this week. I haven’t thought about gambling which is very awesome. It is getting cold here so I have pulled out the boots and sweaters. Loving life!
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Hi Lizbeth, What a positive post! Not surprising. Recently, as I was looking for Maverick’s thread, I came across the post on one of your threads about your heart attack. I was surprised to see that it wasn’t that long ago. I wasn’t surprised of how positive you were about the whole thing. Only talking about how lucky you were to be alive. So Lizbeth!!! Reading that made me an even bigger fan than I am already!
Like, P, I saw myself in your mother’s behavior. I remember getting so antsy and then irritated when I knew my husband wasn’t going to offer to take me to the casino. He had no idea why I was so upset. Now, I am happy when he is in the car with me, so there is no opportunity for me to make a stop. Baby steps!
It is good news about your daughter, and I am glad that you and your sister had such a nice visit! -
Thanks Ican for your post! Heart disease runs in my family. I take 5 pills daily to keep my heart healthy and to keep the stint working the correct way. The good thing is that I stopped smoking that day! I was scared that day and I don’t want to go there again. I exercise and get my physicals and cardiology physicals also. I have had no problems since then. I want to keep it that way. I had a good day. I went to the gym with my Mom and I worked out for 45 mins. I joined weight watchers to try and lose 35 pounds. I have put on 5 pounds yearly and it has added up. There is no way that I am going to gain anymore. I am making this the top thing on my list. When I don’t want to go to the gym, I push myself to go. It has been cold and windy here and it would be easier just to stay in my pj’s. I have had gambling urges the last few days but I haven’t acted upon them. I have found other, more constructive things to do. I have been doing some small projects at home and it is starting to look more like my style, more like home. Thanksgiving and Christmas is at my house. I am getting the menu together and my Mom and I are going to do the cooking. It will be fun!!! Take care all!
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I am loving being home! I have been working out and spending time with my Mom. I have been able to get a few small projects done and I am working on a picture wall! I have made the Thanksgiving dinner menu. I am making most of the dinner. My Mom is bringing the rolls and pies (store bought). She told me that she really didn’t want to cook and that’s alright. Tomorrow there are 2 holiday craft and arts bazaars in town. My Mom and I are going. I think it is good to get out and about. Sometimes it is easier for me to stay home and I could easily become a recluse! LOL!! I have been making a big effort to eat healthy and exercise. I have lost 5 pounds this week. It’s a start!! I haven’t thought of gambling since my last post. I am trying to keep busy. Sunday I plan on finishing the cleaning of my storage shed. I am giving half of my Christmas tree decorations to my Daughter. It’s good to purge! I hope everyone has a great gamble free day!!
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So good to see you put so much into your days and its the best thing to see that you have not gone back to gambling.. you have had many excuses to.. or i guess what some could use as an excuse you have not.. so proud of you for your accomplishments. You are living proof of a good recovery i believe.
P
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Thanks Vera, Charles, and P for your posts!! Vera, I have cut out all sweets (my downfall) and any fried foods. I am eating more fruits and veggies. I try to get to the gym 5 days a week but if I can’t, I take a walk around the pond right across the street from my home. I truly started to put on weight when I became a CG. Sitting in front of a machine all day and not eating right, drinking a lot of soda, and not exercising put on the pounds. I am going to go to the weight watchers meeting on Monday night. I am doing it online but I think that it would be of a big help to go to the meetings. Vera, Charles and P, thanks for your support and kind words. Yesterday was a fun day. My Mom and I went to 2 holiday craft sales. One was at the school and one was at a church. We both found some Christmas gifts and at a good price and they are homemade! The church had a homemade cookie sale and they looked delicious. I walked right by them. It was hard!! I am making some cookies for Christmas. I am going to reserve my sweets (only a few) for Christmas. Today I am going to go through my Christmas decorations. I have too many. I am going to give half to my Daughter. All in all, life is good. I am happy for the most part. I am getting used to living alone. I see my Mom everyday and I am seeing things differently concerning our relationship. She seems like she has aged a lot this year. She is getting my forgetful and confused. I think it is just old age. My Sister has even commented on it. I just want us to enjoy each other’s company and do things together as long as we can. We play card games and have lunch or dinner together regularly. I help her do things when she will let me as she is so independent. She walks on the treadmill about 15 mins. and waits for me to finish my workout. At least she is going and getting some exercise. I will miss her dearly when she is gone and I don’t want to have any regrets. She is even thinking of going with me after Thanksgiving to stay 3 days in the city with my Daughter and Grandson. She loves shopping malls and we have none here. So, things are better between us. Sorry for the long post. Take care everyone!
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I went to have my nails done today. The best part of going is listening to the nail girls talk. They always have me laughing! I went to my Mom’s afterwards and had lunch and we played a card game. She told me to shush up and play. She wasn’t joking. I told her not to talk to me like that. So, needless to say, it was kind of tense while finishing the game. She finally settle down. Of course she never apologized. I could feel myself getting upset but after I told her not to talk that way to me, I let it go. I figure that she the one who needs to work it out and maybe she won’t do it again. OMG, she is certainly out of control. But I made it through without freaking out! I have been having a tough time lately as I have been missing my Husband a lot. This doesn’t help the situation. I would really love to have a good relationship with my Mom but she makes it hard. I truly feel that the relationship is really superfical and that makes me sad. I wish it was real and deeper. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone to really be able to talk to without judgement. It is what it is!!!
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I love this site! I just read Ican’s last post and I related to what she was saying. It is sometimes hard for me to just go with the flow and understand that sometimes things don’t go the right way and that I have to deal with them. Today is a good example. I am waiting for the dryer repair man to come. The window for him to come is 8am thru 5pm. Really? So, I am basically stuck at home awaiting his call. So, I thought about cleaning up the leaves in the front yard, of course when it warmed up in a few hours. As I am posting, I am watching the wind blow the leaves off the trees into the yard. LOL!!! My Daughter text me yesterday saying that her ex and his brother are coming to Thanksgiving Dinner. Mind you, they were invited but now I am having anxiety about it. I don’t mind the cooking, ect..and they are awesome people, so I don’t know where this is coming from. Let it go!! I talked to my youngest Daughter recently and she and her boyfriend (the one who was breaking up with her) are staying in a weekly hotel. I asked how they were paying for it and she said they were working here and there. Okay, scary! I didn’t ask any further questions. I am still doing well on my weight loss. Although I wanted to eat everything in sight yesterday but didn’t. I had a haircut yesterday (quite a bit cut off) and I like it. I am going a shade darker next week. Maybe no one will recognize me at Thanksgiving and they will think that they have the wrong house. LOL!!!
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The dryer repair man never made it here yesterday. His truck broke down in a small town about 25 miles north of me. He was a bit upset as he is from the city and was stuck in the middle of nowhere waiting for the tow truck! He is coming tomorrow afternoon. I have been keeping quite busy. Going to the gym during the week and finding things for my Mom and I to do on Saturdays. There are many holiday bazaars to go to. I am over my anxiety about Thanksgiving and getting more into the mood for the holidays. I went to the grocery store today and bought the stuff for 4 different kinds of cookies. My Mom and I are going to bake Xmas cookies together. We haven’t done that in a long time and I thought it would be fun to do. She is on board. She decided that she would go to the city with me for 3-4 days as the last time she was there was after my Husband’s death. We will stay with my oldest Daughter and Grandson. This is big for her as she doesn’t like to get too far from her home. We are going to the mall as we don’t have one here and she likes shopping. It will be good for her to get away for a few days. She will have her own bedroom at my Daughter’s house. I haven’t lost anymore weight but I was able to fit into a pair of jeans (one of my favs) today and I didn’t have to hold my breath. LOL!!!
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I wish I coud motovate myself to loose weight!
Thanks for your post! Today was really rough-Long story.
I took my mom to lunch and a bit of shopping. Liz she didn’t know who I was I on phone. She asked me who I was about 2 minutes into the call. Very Scary! I need to ask my sister what the heck is going on.
bettie -
Bettie, Yes you do need to find out what is going on with your Mother. It is scary! Keep us posted. My Mom and I went to the gym and tomorrow we are going to 3 holiday bazaars and out for lunch. Earlier, she was real rude to me for no reason. I didn’t say anything. I just cut my visit short and came home. I am trying to let the little things go concerning her and I am trying to be a good Daughter. She has major anger issues and I know that I am not going to solve them for her and she isn’t working on them. Truly, I don’t know if I will take care of her when she is unable to live by herself. Our family usually takes care of our old if possible. She is so hard to get along with and wants everyone to feel as miserable as she does. It is sad! I think she has some mental issues but she would never get help. I am just being honest about the way I feel. It is not easy to say. The repairman will be here sometime between 1pm to 5pm. It is cold and overcast today so I rather be home (cozy) anyways!!
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We went to the holiday bazaars today and then to lunch. I had asked my Mother if she wanted to make some Christmas cookies (we freeze them) to give as gifts to the neighbors, ect. We used to do this with both of my Grandmother’s. It was a family thing. She wanted to so I bought all the stuff for 4 different kinds of cookies and brought everything to her house. We made cookies all afternoon and I am going back to her place tomorrow morning to make more cookies. She was getting upset about something and she didn’t act like she was having fun. I had suggested this as I thought it was a way for us to do something together and have fun. She calmed down towards the end of the cookie making. I feel like I can’t win for losing. If I had suggested going to the casino, she would have been happy. But that’s not going to happen. I just feel like she and I are never on the same level. She is always angry!! She never really listens to me it is usually all about her. I don’t know if elderly people get like that. I don’t remember my Grandmother’s acting that way. Sorry for the rant. It helps sometimes to talk about it. I didn’t have any gambling urges like I usually do when she is giving me a hard time. I am still learning how to effectively handle the situations with her. Sometimes I feel like I am backsliding instead of making progress. I will figure it out.
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Hi Lizbeth
You write such wonderful posts. I see you are trying to care for your Mother and make some sweet memories. My grandmother came to live with my Mother when she was in her early eighties. She had always been the absolute most precious person. The older she got the more short tempered she became. She was especially difficult with my Mom. Mom could rarely do anything right. She became much more self centered. I dont know that this happens to us all, but in my Grandmother’s case it was a real change in her personality. As she became more hard of hearing and her memory declined, her patience seemed to evaporate. We all loved her more than anything, but to be honest she was a grump.
Spending a lot of time with anyone in my family never
seems to match my personal expectations. I think you are doing fine. Trying to over look her moods and not engage ih a fight is hard stuff. One thing you might consider is if she might have depression. This is common in the elderly and there are some terrific meds that may help her feel better.
Hope you have a really wonderful day today and the memories you make are as sweet as the cookies! -
Dear (((Liz)))! People are about as happy as they want to be. My mother has been an unhappy person most of her life, and nothing that anyone can say or do is going to change that. My mother can always find something to complain about. I’ve heard you wonder if you’ll be able to look after your mother in her declining years, in your home. I have realized that it would be a recipe for disaster to take my mother in, even if she wanted to live with us. Sometimes we have to care for parents at a distance, with people that can look after them, like assisted living or even nursing home care. That’s the stark reality of having difficult parents. When the time comes, you’ll know what you can do and can’t. It sounds like your mother is a frustrated depressed compulsive gambler. Carole
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Thanks Kpat and Carole for your posts! I do think my Mother suffers from depression and that she is a CG. She will never admit or get help for either. She is angry and miserable a lot. I do handle it well most times but sometimes it is still to much to bear. I do take it personally sometimes and let my feelings get hurt. I am working hard on protecting my feelings and walking away from her. Carole, you are right. I will make my decision when it is time about taking care of her on a full time basis. I will not feel guilty and I will do what is best for my mental health. She was alright today and very loving to me. I guess I need to grasp and hold on to the good times. Our relationship will never be what I want it to be and I am accepting it. I have so many fond memories of my Grandmothers as my Mother took care of them in her home till they passed away. They were very demanding and one was bedridden. I don’t know how my Mother dealt with that. She was much younger and hadn’t become bitter at that time. Life is strange. I just want to be happy and content. Why be bitter and upset all the time?
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Today was good! My Mother had a early morning hair/perm appointment so I went to the gym by myself. It was 22 degrees here and I had to push myself to get out of my warm bed and go to the gym but I made it! I always feel better after exercising and that’s what I tell myself when I want to make a excuse and not go. I went to the store afterwards and bought lunch for us, baked chicken, tossed green salad, and asparagus. My Mother was very grateful and appreciative. We baked cookies for about 3 hours. We are taking a break tomorrow and resuming our cookie baking on Wednesday. I only taste tested 1 cookie today. I thought about my Mother and her negative attitude last night. I have made up my mind to try and seize the good moments with her. I am going to try to overlook the small things and I will walk away when it is too much. That’s how I need to deal with her. Life is too short! One day she will be gone and I want to have good memories to remember. She did tell me today that I was a good Daughter and that she appreciated all the things that I do for her. That made me feel good.
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My Cousin (the one who I went to San Diego with) is here for a few days. I spent the day with her and my Mother. We made some more cookies and had a nice dinner together. I took the rest of the cookie ingredients home with me so I could make some more before Christmas. My Mother acts like she really doesn’t want to make them. I have made the last 3 batches and she helped me box them up. She acts like she is just going through the motion. That’s too bad as I thought it would be something that we could do together. After Thanksgiving I have talked her into going to the city for 3-4 days. I am really surprised that she has agreed to go. We have no shopping mall here so I am going to take her to her favorite stores. Her next door neighbor is going to take care of her dog. She will have her own bedroom at my Daughter’s home so she can rest when she wants to. I have told her that we can go home when she is ready. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes well and that we can have a good time!! I am going grocery shopping tomorrow for the rest of my Thanksgiving dinner. My Cousin remarked on me losing weight today. It was nice to hear. I have been real vigilant in my diet and exercising. It is hard especially when we are baking cookies. I feel like I am doing well in regards to my health, both physically and mentally. I am getting excited now about Thanksgiving and having everyone here for dinner. It just takes me some time to get there.
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Good on you Lizbeth for being so thoughtful. I have often found my mom easier to deal with one on one. She tends to make herself the center of attention when in a group. I guess she doesn’t want to be left out so she just talks louder -lol!
My brother did some cleaning at her place lasy weekend. I have had thoughts of getting him to help me clean her place-it is too much for me to try to tackle alone. What a good brother and son my brother Pat is. Who else would bring his own cleaning stuff and scrub a very stinky bathroom and shower? I have told him I would help when he wants to do that again.
bettie -
Thanks for the post Bettie! My Sister was amazed that I had talked my Mother into going to the city for a few days and leaving her dog in someone else’s care. She told my Cousin that she was real excited to be going to the city. Today was a laid back day. We went to the gym and then to the grocery store so I could purchase the rest of the Thanksgiving dinner groceries. I was able to donate a food basket to the food bank while I was there. We had lunch with my Cousin and then she went home. She comes up here to escape for a few days as she lives with her son, daughter in law and their 2 kids. We have decided that we are going on a Alaskan Cruise next year, probably in September. The peak season will be over and it will be cheaper to upgrade to a cabin with a balcony. I am very excited about this!!! Hopefully her health will continue to improve. I know I have said this before but I am committed to doing volunteer work after Christmas. I am going to get 2 angel tags off the tree here at one of the stores. A girl and a boy. I will get them a toy and a jacket or some warm pj’s. I am grateful of all that I have and there are a lot of people who are in need of help. I will be glad to see my Daughter and Grandson, ex son in law and his brother at Thanksgiving. I think that everyone is staying for a few days so they can go hiking and fishing. I am getting used to living alone but having family around is nice.
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Yesterday was spent in bed as I had a migraine. I don’t get them often but when I do it is disabilitating. Today was spent with my Mom and it was a good day. Tomorrow is cleaning day. I need to get ready for Thanksgiving. It is fast approaching. I am so looking forward to seeing my Daughter and Grandson. I thought of my Husband many times today. This will be the second Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. Yes it is getting easier but I miss him so much. Sometimes the sadness is so intense and I just work through it. Sometimes it feels like my heart can’t take anymore. I am moving on without him but it is hard. Sometimes I wish that I could rewind time and be able to have more time with him. I am moving on but it is scary sometimes being on my own after so many years being married. I just need to keep taking baby steps. It will all come together. I have faith.
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Yesterday was spent in bed as I had a migraine. I don’t get them often but when I do it is disabilitating. Today was spent with my Mom and it was a good day. Tomorrow is cleaning day. I need to get ready for Thanksgiving. It is fast approaching. I am so looking forward to seeing my Daughter and Grandson. I thought of my Husband many times today. This will be the second Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. Yes it is getting easier but I miss him so much. Sometimes the sadness is so intense and I just work through it. Sometimes it feels like my heart can’t take anymore. I am moving on without him but it is hard. Sometimes I wish that I could rewind time and be able to have more time with him. I am moving on but it is scary sometimes being on my own after so many years being married. I just need to keep taking baby steps. It will all come together. I have faith.
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Yesterday was spent in bed as I had a migraine. I don’t get them often but when I do it is disabilitating. Today was spent with my Mom and it was a good day. Tomorrow is cleaning day. I need to get ready for Thanksgiving. It is fast approaching. I am so looking forward to seeing my Daughter and Grandson. I thought of my Husband many times today. This will be the second Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. Yes it is getting easier but I miss him so much. Sometimes the sadness is so intense and I just work through it. Sometimes it feels like my heart can’t take anymore. I am moving on without him but it is hard. Sometimes I wish that I could rewind time and be able to have more time with him. I am moving on but it is scary sometimes being on my own after so many years being married. I just need to keep taking baby steps. It will all come together. I have faith.
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They say time is universal healer even after fourteen years I still miss my father terribly and of course my brother too.. I spent this afternoon cleaning and posting things for my eBay auction. my sister has is asked me to e chicken and dumplings for Thanksgiving and tomorrow 6 partiesies to bake . I’m exhausted but its a good tired. I’m looking forward to my visit with Jenny in less than two weeks. my brother took an Alaskan cruises honeymoon and thought that it was the best trip youhe ever made in his whole life. I’m sure you will enjoy yourself . Bettie
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I went to the gym this morning. It was 22 degrees out but I made it. I took my Mother to Walmart to get pies and dinner rolls for Thanksgiving dinner. She doesn’t want to cook anymore and that is fine as my Oldest Daughter and I will do it. My Daughter is a awesome cook! She emailed me today saying that they would be here Wednesday evening. I can’t wait to see them and spend some time with them as they are staying the weekend. Maybe I can get some fishing or hiking time with them! Nothing else happening. Hope everyone had a great gamble free day!
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Thanksgiving was awesome! I spent the day with my Grandson as my Daughter, ex son in law and his brother went hunting and fishing all day long. It was a good day! My Daughter went to spend the night with my Mother! We are all going to Diamond Point tomorrow to dig for quartz crystals! None of us have been there but I am looking forwards to it! We are going to have a picnic and maybe do some fishing! Going to bed early!!
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I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving Day! Friday we went looking for quartz crystals and found a lot of them. We went to the lake for a picnic and fishing. My Mother wanted to leave as we had taken 2 cars. My Daughter and Ex-son-in-law helped her up the embankment and she complained of being light headed. They sat her on a rock and she passed out. Thank goodness they were there as she didn’t hit her head and they carried and put her in the backseat of my car. My Daughter held on to her trying to communicate with her as I drove the 30 miles to town/hospital. There was no cell service for a long time but we got hold of the hospital and they were waiting for us. She was breathing but incoherent until about 5 miles from the hospital. They did tests and she spent the night and they concluded that she was dehydrated and had a virus. Friday we are going to the cardiologist so she can wear a heart monitor while we are in the city next week. She also needs to do a stress test when we get back. They think there might be a small blockage in a artery and she may need a stint. She was fine today as we went to Walmart and I spent the night with her and am at home now just for 1 hour and will go back and spend the night again. She was getting mean with me today and I did put her in her place. So, I guess she is feeling better!! Thank goodness the kids were with us as it could have been worse. That was the longest 30 mins of driving getting her to the hospital!!!! I guess that’s how it goes when you live in a small town!!
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My Mother seems to be her old self again! I am cooking dinner for her every night and making sure that she is drinking enough water so she won’t get dehydrated again. Tomorrow we go to the cardiologist to see about the heart monitor that he wants her to wear and to set up a appointment for the stress test. It is good to weed out anything to do with the heart. Saturday we will be leaving for the city for 4 days. We have something planned for everyday but I told my Mom that we should take it slow and that we can go back to my Daughters house for her to rest anytime. It has been raining here for the last few days. This afternoon the sun finally came out!!! Nothing else going on.
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That was very scary to read about your Mom. I hope she continues to improve. You really are an amazing person. I am glad to have read your story. Feeling Hopeful is the best tag line of all!
I was a cardiac nurse before I got into home care and the heart monitor and stress test sounds like the right things to me to get to the bottom of the reason for her episode. Hope you have a wonderful time on your trip and I will be praying for your Mom:) -
Very scary episode with your mom, Lizbeth!
From the sound of things she will need to take it easy until the cardiac investigations are completed.
Are you wise taking her on a trip to the city?
Will you have somebody with you in case she takes another “turn”?
It could be very stressful for you otherwise! -
We are going to get the heart monitor tomorrow. I feel like we should be alright in the city. There are hospitals everywhere. I think that the higher elevation, 7500 feet, and the climbing and hiking helped cause the episode. I truly believe that she will probably need another stint. I think that this was a warning sign for us. I feel confident going to the city. I think it will be alright. I did ask her to bring her health directives with her in case something should happen. The cardiologist knows we are traveling and has no problem with it. We will take it easy though.
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I am sorry to hear about your Mum and it must have been really dreadful and stressful for you having to drive to get to the hospital. She is lucky to have you so close and being there for her Liz, although she may not show it , I am sure she realizes this. It will be good for you to go to the city for a few days with her. You know if she does have any problems you are close to a hospital. You really inspire me with how you handle things. You seem to pick yourself up and move on, but all in a positive way.
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Thanks Cat for your post! My Mother did thank me today for being here for her. We went to the cardiologist today and she has a heart monitor which she needs to wear for 1 week. He also put in a order for her to have a stress test. Cat, I really had to work on staying positive today. My Mom had to fill out a new patient packet and when I tried to help her she got mad at me, so I stopped and read a magazine. Then she said in a loud voice, “How many damn papers do I have to fill out?” The waiting room was small and everyone looked at her. I kept reading my magazine although I wanted to walk out. She made a fool of herself but didn’t seem to mind. When we were done at the Dr’s, I took her out for lunch. I am packed and all I have to do is put everything into the car tomorrow and go to my Mom’s and get her and her things. I sure hope she acts half way decent while we are at my Daughters home. She is really excited about us coming. We are going to see my Sister and my Great Niece who is only 2 months old. We are hoping to take my youngest Daughter out for lunch. I am going to take my Mom to a mall so she can get her fill of shopping as our choices are so limited here. We will be busy and 3 to 4 days will go by so fast.
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Well we made it to the city and went on our shopping adventure today with my sister. We both bought new sweaters and boots. It was a long day as we were at the mall for 7 hours. My Mom did pretty well. We stopped for lunch and several breaks. My daughter cooked a awesome dinner for us and we dined outside on the back patio. Tomorrow we are going to take my youngest daughter to lunch and visit with her. We are having a special dinner tomorrow night as my daughter’s best friend of 19 years is coming and it has been awhile since my Mom or I have seen her. The time is going by fast but we are both enjoying ourselves. Oh, my great niece is adorable. My Mom enjoyed holding her.
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We made it back home this morning. After I helped my Mom get settled into her home, I came home. We had a good time shopping and seeing everyone. My Daughter is a awesome cook and we enjoyed her cooking! My Grandson was adorable and so sweet. He told me to go home and pack my things and to move in with his Mom and him!! I got in a lot of kisses and snuggles!! My Mom did well and told me this morning how much fun she had and thanked me again. She took daily naps and yesterday we slowed it down a lot. We had lunch with my youngest Daughter. I made sure that my Mom ate properly and drank plenty of water as she seems to forget to eat and I don’t want her to get dehydrated again. She tried to work herself up to get mad several times but my Daughter and Grandson wouldn’t let her. They had her laughing instead. My Sister and youngest Daughter were a little taken aback at my Mom’s decline both mentally and physically. They are not around her a lot. I had to keep her close by at the mall and inside the larger stores as she gets turned around and seems to get disorientated easily. We live in a small, small town and it is easier for her to get around here. She fell asleep yesterday while sitting on the sofa. It is sad to see your parents age and decline in health. What do you do? We are all aging. I am going to rest today as I have a lot to do before Christmas, such as decorating, grocery shopping, ect. I am glad to be home!!!
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I woke this morning with gambling urges and I can’t find any motivation. I am going to pull myself together and get myself to the gym. Then I need to go to the post office and grocery store. No gambling in my agenda. I suspect that my Mom is having mini strokes. My grandmother and one of my aunt’s experienced the same thing. I tried to talk to my Mom about it and that maybe her doctor could order some tests and or give her a prescription so they could be slowed down. She wouldn’t hear of it. That is where my stress and the gambling urges are coming from. This is hard. I will refrain from gambling and deal with these issues.
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That’s the trouble with this addiction! My coping skills have gotten rusty. Everytime I get stressed, my mind reminds me of how much “fun” it was to gamble.
We both know the “fun” leads to a world of pain! But isn’t it the strangest thing to have that urge over and over?
I was glad to read you had family time with your sister. It is good to try to patch up family. It is a way to a life without as many regrets. -
Thanks Kpat for your post! I didn’t gamble today!! We figured out the heart monitor and my Mother is now wearing it for 1 month. It will be good to rule out any heart problems. I grilled chicken and vegetables and made a salad and brought dinner to her. I did see my youngest Daughter, Sister, Nephew and his infant daughter when I was in the city. Our small family is very fragmented. When my Sister gets mad at one of us she stops talking to us for years. I choose to reunited with her some time ago and made the first step and reached out to her. Our relationship is alright, nothing to write home about. My oldest Daughter and her haven’t talked for over 1 year as my Sister went off on her and in front of my Grandson. They were very close. Anyways it is strange when I see my Sister as she never brings up my Daughter or Grandson though they lived together for 3 years. When I bring them up she gives me a blank stare. Very strange!!! It is what it is!! My Sister never deals with her problems, she just runs from them! Very sad! In fact she hadn’t talked to my Mother for 2 years and they only started talking when they saw each other at my old condo right after my Husband died. Once you reach out to her she talks to you again but never discusses why she stopped talking to you. I am tired of trying to figure it all out. We are in a alright place right now. I wouldn’t ever count on her for anything but that’s alright. I know I am here for my Mother and I advised my Sister when she was in the hospital recently. She asked if it was necessary for her to come here and I told her no that she would be alright. What else can I do?? I was busy today putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it and the house. Tomorrow I will get all the presents wrapped. It was a good day!
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I went to the gym this morning. I had to suck it up and go out in the cold but I feel much better since I exercised. I have lost 8 pounds but have hit a wall. It’s hard because of the holiday but I only ate 1 piece of pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving instead of half of a pie. LOL!!! I will keep working at it. I am going to wrap the gifts today and get them under the tree. I have to mail 2 presents so I will get them ready for Monday’s mailing. I will be going to the city for a few days around New Year’s as my Daughter and ex son in law have asked me to watch my Grandson. It is kind of strange that he is seeing someone else now but I think it is healthy for both of them as he is moving on with his life. In January I will be in the city for 10 days. My Daughter is going on a small trip and I will stay extra days instead of coming home and coming back to celebrate my Grandson’s 9th birthday with them. I can help my Daughter with my Grandson and around her home as she has been so busy with work and has such long work days. I am going to have lunch with a close friend while I am there. I just talked to a work friend whom I have known for 20 years. She is 10 years older than me and is retiring in 1 year. She is currently raising her 6 year old Grandson. I have invited them to come and visit sometime next year. She is someone who you don’t talk to a lot but just pick up where you left off like no time has gone by. She is a awesome person! Well, guess I should go and get some things accomplished today. Have a great gamble free day everyone!
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So, I went by my Mothers for a visit. Can someone explain to me how can someone be so full of anger and be so mean! We were talking about getting some angel tags from the Christmas tree at Walmart. She said she didn’t have money for that and got red in the face and got real mad. I told her she needed to calm down, that no one said she had to participate. She does have money, she isn’t broke or destitute. I quickly left as I can’t deal with it. Once she is in her anger mode, it is downhill from there. I went to Walmart and picked 3 tags, all boys around my Grandson’s age, and went toy shopping. I drove to the donation box and dropped off the toys and movies I bought. I seriously thought about the casino and gambling but I didn’t go there!! Isn’t it amazing that I let someone else’s bad behavior, which I have no control over tempt me to gamble. I need to start working on this again as I feel like I have become complacent about our relationship and how it effects me.
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I hung out at home all day today! I did get some things done, all the gifts are wrapped and under the tree except the game table that I bought my Grandson. Tomorrow, I will put it together and figure out how to wrap it. My Mother called this morning acting like nothing had happened, her M.O. I talked to her for a few mins. and told her that I had things to do today. I fought gambling urges for most of the day!! In fact, there were a few times I almost got ready and went to the casino. It rained here all day and was quite chilly, so that detoured me also. I don’t know why I am feeling like this. I did finish a book today and started another one. No gambling!!!
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I get the gambling urges. Dissapointment frustrations and loneliness are major triggers for most Cg’s. It OK to have the feelings as long as we choose not to act on them.
The holidays are stressful anyways-compound that with someone who knows how to make you crazy and you have the perfect combination to create the perfect storm.
Keep in mind the millions of reasons why gambling will make things worse vs the reason we feel like gambling.
Who needs that grief? I know I don’t.
bettie -
Thanks Bettie for your post. All the reasons that you stated are the reasons that I gamble. I haven’t gambled and the urges are almost gone. I rode it out again. My Mom called this morning and I invited her to the dollar store and we picked up lunch on the way home. I stayed at her house for a few hours and then came home. She was griping about something concerning my sister. I tuned it out. I feel guilty when I don’t involve my Mom in my daily life although I know it is healthy to have my own time. I am working on this. My people pleasing side keeps coming out. I need to please myself first. I am going to the gym every day this coming week. That’s my commitment to myself. Well, off to bed so I can get up early tomorrow
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Today was very strange! The town had no cable, internet, phones, including cell phones for 10 hours. The banks shut down and there were only a few ATM’s working. I was getting any information from the radio via our local radio station. They were saying that something was wrong with the fiber optics? I have no clue how all of that works. The town was isolated for those 10 hours. We could send a message out from the radio station if it was urgent. Don’t know how?? Anyways it was a eye opener and makes you realize what you take for granted. My oldest Daughter text me saying that they are coming up on the 24th and going home on Sunday. It will be the same people as Thanksgiving plus my ex-son-in-laws Mother will be joining us from Nevada. I am sure we will be doing some hiking and fishing. I don’t know why but I have been real lonely the last few days. Maybe it is the holidays. I know I will feel better once the crowd comes for Christmas.
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Thanks Vera for your post! Looking back, the last 21 month since the death of my Husband have been a whirlwind. I have relocated, started a new life. I think I need to give myself a break as I have handled all of this pretty well. I think it is okay to be sad and a little depressed here and there. It is sad to go through birthdays and holidays without my Husband but I have to deal with it and my feelings. I know it will get easier as the years go by. I will always have all of the memories stored in my heart. Today is kind of gloomy and it is raining. Snow is expected about 20 miles north of here and I am hoping that we might get a little. I am going to tackle putting the game table that I bought for my Grandson (Christmas) together today. Wish me luck!!!! Take care everyone.
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I had a little of a bumpy start to my day. I had to get a new battery for my car. The car isn’t that old but who knows how old of a battery was put in at the dealers when I purchased the car. I am over it now!! My Mom’s and my birthday dinner was awesome last night. I had a slight cold for 2 days but I am feeling much better today. I am still working on putting the game table together that I bought for my Grandson. I am hoping to finish it today. Nothing else going on here.
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Thanks P for your post! I spent the day with my Mom and we had lunch together. I haven’t quit finished putting the game table together for my Grandson. I am almost there. I didn’t realize that it was going to be such a big job! I thought about treating myself to the casino today because it’s my birthday! I did refrain! What a dumb thought. I had good news via the mail today. I am on the list (work) for a grievance settlement. I was on the rolls at the time of the grievance so even though I am retired, I am still iligible for this. Receiving money is always good news!!!!!
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Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. It was a good day My Mom and I celebrated her birthday today with lunch and a small cake. Yes Vera, I was determined to get the game table put together. It is all done. I just need to find a way to wrap it. Lol! I had reoccurring dreams last night about my Husband. It was so strange. The last dream he asked me about his grievance money. I woke this morning thinking about it. I am calling the union tomorrow to see if I am entitled to his share as he was on the rolls at the time also. I plan on taking this money and putting it into my savings. It may be some time before we are paid. Anyways, I am going to clean house tomorrow. Everyone will be here on Wednesday evening and are staying till Sunday. I think my Grandson will be staying with me for 5 days when everyone else goes home. He is on winter break. W haven’t spent time alone for awhile. I know I will enjoy it. All in all, life is good!
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Thanks Charles! I am getting ready for my family to come tomorrow evening for the Christmas holidays. I am making a special cake for my Mom tomorrow. It is a cake that her Sister used to make for her. I am really hoping that it turns out. Everything is wrapped, even the game table (with some difficulty). I cleaned my home yesterday and even decorated with some lights outside!! It will be good to have company for 4 days. I am hoping my Grandson will stay with me as I need some “us” time. Not seeing him is what I miss the most about the city. Take care everyone and Happy Holidays!!
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Christmas was wonderful. Today we played board games and tonight we all went to the movies. My Mother is really trying to break my spirit or that’s how I feel. Today she was really nasty to me and I finally broke. I told her that I was a good daughter to her and that no matter what I did, it was never going to be good enough for her and that I was through trying. She can be a unhappy person but I can’t let her unhappiness affect me anymore. I will do what I feel is necessary to be happy. She just sat there with a blank stare on her face. Honestly, she could care less. Everything is about her and how she feels. I was so sad and felt so drained afterwards. Really it isn’t healthy. Also, she is unhappy that my Grandson is staying with me for 1 week before he goes back to school. That is real sad that she is jealous of a 8 year old. Sorry about the rant. I am feeling a little depressed.
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I just reread my last post. It is full of sadness and despair. It also brings back a lot of the same feeling I experienced as a child involving my Mom. I know that I am in control of how I react to others actions but I wish so much that she and I could be close. It isn’t going to happen as she isn’t going to change. I have to accept it. Maybe this is too much for me to work through by myself. I might need to talk to a family counselor. I am having a good day spending it with my Grandson. The others went hunting which isn’t my thing. I hope everyone had a awesome holiday. New years is right around the corner, a time for new starts and goals. Take care everyone.
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Everyone went back home yesterday. My Grandson and I are spending 5 days together before I take him home. We have had a great day together. I am trying to release the negativity that I feel when I am with my Mother. It is hard to do but I am trying not to let her get me upset as it serves me no purpose. She is acting very strangely. I think that she sits in her house and dwells on anything that she can perceive as something someone has done against her. I have so much love in my life with my kids and Grandson and friends. I don’t know why I dwell on what can never be. Anyways, all is well here. Hope everyone is having a happy holiday season!!
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Hi Liz,
You have my full support and understanding ( or maybe lack of understanding ) when it comes to our moms.
When we discussed doing a grab bag for Christmas gifts my mom was the first on board. (Why didn’t she want to give gifts to her kids when she can well afford to?) So when Christmas Eve rolled around she STILL bought a gift for my Oldest brother-the one she bought the house for-and nothing for me, my sister or my other brother. I didn’t think too much of it but my sister was really hurt. I told her not to feel bad because she made my brother totally dependent on her his whole life and in reality she made us strong by giving us less. She said she never thought of it that way.
I wish we were neighbors because I think our moms would get along famously!
bettie -
Thanks Bettie for your post! I know that we both can relate to our Mother’s. I bought my Mother a TV as the one in her bedroom had died. When she opened it, she said that we don’t buy gifts for each other. I told her that I buy her a gift every Christmas. I think she said that as there were other’s present for Christmas. She did buy one gift, for my oldest Daughter??? I really don’t care as I don’t need anything and I am used to her doing strange and bazaar things!!! She either acts like a lion and attacks everything I do and say or she acts like a little lamb, fragile and weak. I know other’s that read this will think that I am mean or cruel but it is the truth. A lot of what she does is a act!! On my part, I am dumb for playing into it!! I have decided that after the New Year that I am going to start another path of my new life and I am going to meet new people and have a social life!! My Mother refers to me as her companion. I have to keep telling her that I am her daughter. Very irritating. On the home front, my Grandson woke with a sore throat. We will be staying home today in our PJ’S and resting. We are expecting some snow tomorrow. He told me last night that yesterday was one of his best days. We played Monopoly and other games and had pizza delivered. He told me over and over how much he loved me!!! That is what it’s all about.
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Liz I have not posted for a while, but I want you to know that I appreciate that you post on your thread as I do read it so see how you are doing. I always find your thread so uplifting, and I also find that I learn from them. I know you have challenges with your mother, but you continue to move forward in a positive way.
I am so glad that you have some “special time with your Grandson”. They grow up so fast and he will have all these wonderful memories that you are creating for him.
My hubby is still not drinking, but he does have health issues he has to deal with because of his drinking. He is still working though and I do think that helps, although I sometimes look at him and think he is not looking healthy. I will just take it one day at a time. Anyway, sorry for going on in your space. Wishing you a healthy and happy New Year. -
Thanks Cat for your post. I just posted on your thread. It has snowed all day and is supposed to snow tomorrow. My Grandson and I had a awesome snowball fight and he had a great time! We are enjoying some hot chocolate. Tonight we are going to bring in the New Year with apple-pear cider and hats and party horns!!!! Wishing everyone a great New Year’s Eve. Be safe!
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When I get a grandchild, I hope I am half as cool as you are!
Your stories about how you spend time together makes a very soft spot in my heart. I hope 2015 is a wonderful year for you, your girls, your grandson and even your Mother! I am sure you will have to point out all the good stuff to her! Some people have a hard time counting their blessings.
NOT YOU!!!
MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL THIS YEAR:) -
Thanks kpat for your post! I hope your New Year’s was awesome and that this coming year will be full of wonderful things for you and your family. I adore my Grandson and I will only have one grandchild so he is my joy! We stayed up till 3am, playing games, ect. My fondest memories as a child was spending time with my Grandmother. She was the one person in my life that gave me unconditional love and never judged me. I spent a lot of time at her home as she lived right across the street from us while I was growing up. She has been gone for 30 years but she was one of the wisest, kindest, and most loving persons that I have ever known. It has stopped snowing and I am watching some neighbors shoveling out their driveways. I am a little scared to do mine as I have heart issues and it is hard work. I hope I don’t sound like a wimp but I know my limits and I don’t take it lightly. Every snow removal company here is booked so I am hoping that some of it melts so I can get out of my driveway by Saturday as I am taking my Grandson back home. Anyways, I am having some hot tea and relaxing as my Grandson sleeps. Life is good!
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Today was a busy day. I took my Grandson home and spent some time with my youngest Daughter, then I came home. I am missing the little guy already. I will be home for 11 days and then I will be in the city for 11 days as my Daughter is going on a 3 day trip and we are going to celebrate my Grandsons 9th birthday the following weekend. No sense in going home for a few days and coming back. I haven’t had any gambling urges lately. I am researching raised garden beds and figuring out what I am going to plant in the spring. I am not a gardener but I am going to give it a try. Always something be to learn.
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I didn’t go to the gym or anywhere today. I woke with a bad headache and spent most of the day resting. I don’t get these often but when I do I’m miserable. Anyways, 1 more week at home and then to the city for 11 days. I made my service appointment for my car and I am going to be having lunch with friends and my Sister while I am there. I will be busy but that’s how I like it. Keeping busy=no gambling!!! There is still a little snow left on the ground and it has been around 60 degrees here. I am going to buy a snow shovel this week so I have it in case I need to shovel my driveway in the future. I can do it in stages and not all at once. I have to figure out the best ways to do things with my heart issues. I can do almost anything but I can’t over exert myself as I get winded and I know my limits. I don’t mind doing yard work but I couldn’t keep up with it so I have hired someone to come once a month to do it. I think I can do the gardening as I can take my time and it isn’t going to be a huge garden. I sound like a wimp but I’m not. My heart doesn’t always want to co-operate.
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You dont sound like a whimp at all and i hope you dont attempt to do that garden on your own.. you do enough. My head whirls at all the stuff you cram into your day and what you get up to. You are doing wonderful and the smart thing to do is be realistic about what you can and cant do with your heart.. you need to look after yourself like you look after everyone else.. hope you have a wonderful night.. cant imagine seeing snow out the window.. how awesome
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Thanks P for your post. I think that I can do the garden by myself by doing a little bit at a time. I am walking on the treadmill 1 1/2 miles in 30 minutes, 5 days a week. It really sucks to have limitations but that’s the way it is. Most of the snow has melted but there are patches here and there. I am tired today as I have been busy all day. My Mom came over for dinner and a few games of Yahtzee. I am going to get my warm PJS on and find a good movie to watch. Have a great night everyone.
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The last few days I have been depressed. I don’t know why but I am working through it without gambling. My first thought was to gamble but I haven’t gone there and don’t plan on it! It doesn’t help that it is rainy and foggy here either. I have worked out everyday and usually that helps but not this time. I am going to the movies later this afternoon to see Wild. I read the book and I am looking forward to see the movie. I am leaving on Thursday for the city for 12 days. I know I will be in a better mood once I am with my Grandson and Daughters. It will get better!
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Thanks Vera for your post. I think the gambling urges are coming from both being tired and lonely! I am hanging in there. Today is my Grandson’s 9th birthday!! He is such a awesome kid! The movie Wild was awesome. I think it is good to read the book first as everything couldn’t be fit into the movie. My Mom and I went to the gym and I had a good workout. I must have lost a few inches as I am able to fit into 2 pair of jeans that were too tight! Yeah!! I am packing and getting ready to go to the city tomorrow for 10-12 days! I will get some one on one time with my Grandson when my Daughter is in Vegas for 3 days. I asked him to figure out something for us to do this coming weekend. I am thinking it might be to go to the arcade. Anyways, whatever it is, I will have fun. I have been down too because I am still trying to find my way, my life alone. I am a private, reserved person and it is hard for me to put myself out there but I know I have too! I will never meet any new people staying at home. Wow, I just didn’t think that I would be alone and trying to figure out my life at 57. I think that is why I have been depressed. I am trying but it is hard! I know that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle but sometimes I feel overwhelmed with sadness for my Husband. My Mother causes me stress also. She is always saying things that I said, that I never said. I don’t think that she is making this up but I think that something is wrong with her. She has good long term memory recall but her short term memory is terrible. I don’t know is if it dementia??? When I tell her that I didn’t say something, she gets mad and tells me that I am lying. Honestly, it gets tiring and draining. I really don’t know if I could handle her full time. She had always said that she wanted to go to a assisted living if she was unable to take care of herself. Now she is saying that she wants me to take care of her. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy after spending a day with her as she doesn’t know what she is talking about half the time. She is very mean also. I just feel like I have a lot on my plate. My Sister is coming up this weekend to visit her. She knows that Mom is acting strange but keeps saying, I’m glad you are there for her. I do have power of attorney but it is a hard position to be in. I guess I will have to deal with it and make decisions that I feel are best for everyone.
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I just spent ten minutes writing a post to you Lizbeth and LOST IT!!!!I want to howl!!!
Here goes again but I will make it shorter this time.
From what I read, the biggest stress in your life is you mam
You coped with your husband’s illness and untimely death. Recovered from a heart attack. Sorted your two daughter’s problems. Knew when to “hold on” and “let go” of your grandson and youngest daughter but are still overwhelmed by your mom’s issues.
Would she agree to have a hearing test to explain why she accuses you of saying things you did or didn’t say, or to have a scan to rule out some type of dementia? I say this with respect and reserve, Lizbeth but her memory loss may be indicative of some cerebral changes. Lots of therapies available nowadays
Step back. Involve the whole family. Don’t allow yourself to carry the full burden of your mother’s future alone. I gather you are not her only child!
Keeping you in the prayers Liz!
God is good!
PRAYING THIS “DELIVERS”!!!! -
Thanks Vera for your post. I felt better after reading it. I am not a only child but feel like one sometimes. My Mom would never agree to any tests to rule out dementia. I had a hard time getting her to agree to wearing the heart monitor and her upcoming stress test (when I come back home). I called to tell her that I arrived safely and to see how she was. She didn’t answer the phone. She was upset that I was leaving and this would be her way to get back at me. I realize that I can’t be everything to everyone. If I don’t put myself first, I feel that my mental and physical health will suffer. I am going to talk to my sister when we have dinner this week. She will be with my Mom this weekend, so she can see for herself how my mom’s mental health is failing. I was approached by a neighbor this morning when I was packing the car that my neighbor across the street passed away. He was 82 years old and in bad health. I will reach out to his wife and son when I get back home. Thanks again Vera for your advice. It means a lot.
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My daughter has left for her trip. I had my car cleaned and made a run to the grocery store. My grandson and I will have a 3 day weekend to ourselves. We are going to the park and a amusement park to play games and go on rides. My daughter had a tummy virus the week before I arrived and the house is in disarray. Maybe I can tackle it also as my Grandson’ s birthday party is the following Saturday. Anyways, I will be busy. I called my Mom this morning and she is okay. My sister will be with her this weekend and my cousin is going to spend Tuesday and Wednesday with her. I know that she will be eating healthy on those days. Well, I am off to finish some laundry and maybe clean the fridge before I pick up my Grandson from karate camp. Have a great day everyone.
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I see you have your days full now. When you are done at your daughter’s, you can always come to Florida, my house seems to be in disarray as well….just in case you run out of things to do. ??
So happy you have that boy, he seems to give you a ray of sunshine everytime you are together.
Have a blast this weekend! -
I am so blessed to have my Grandson, kpat! We have spent the day at home, playing. Tomorrow we are going to the arcade. I have done more laundry and cleaned out the turtles aquarium. I have straightened the house. I have called the home warranty place as the dryer has stopped working. As it is a long weekend, it will probably be Tuesday before I get a call with a appointment time. I have been hanging out the laundry to dry. As it is 70 degrees in the city it is dying fast. We ordered pizza for lunch/dinner. I am at peace right now and am enjoying my Grandson. No gambling urges. This coming week will be busy with getting my car serviced and having lunch with a friend and dinner with my sister. We also need to shop for my Grandsons birthday barbeque next Saturday. We need to decorate, etc. I ordered a bouncy house which will be set up 1 hour before the party. 6 of his friends are staying for a sleep over. He is so excited. Kpat, I never run out of things to do. LOL!!!
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Last night my Grandson had a friend spend the night. A new friend who lives 2 houses away. My grandson and I went to the amusement park today. He went on a few rides and we played a lot of games. He doesn’t care for roller coasters. We had lunch and came home and threw the football for awhile. I am tired. LOL! I just love my daughter’s new neighborhood. There are a lot of kids and a few single moms like her. We made a good choice in this house. Life is good and I am enjoying myself and my time with my Grandson.
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Hey (((Liz)))! Could it be possible that your Mom is feigning memory loss, and wants you to move her into your home? My Mother does it and also lies about things like my brother hasn’t come over in 2 months. My brother saw her in the common area where she lives walking without her cane, and then when she saw him, all of a sudden she was using her cane and walking like she was disabled. She never has anything positive to say when I call her, and I am starting to dread phoning her. The worse thing you can do Liz is take that woman into your home, especially as she is your Mother. You wouldn’t be able to get along with her and she would stress you to no end. She uses anger to manipulate you and she sounds very immature. Carole
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HI Lizbeth thank you for your message on my thread. I am sorry to hear of what you have had to face. I have started to read through your “mammoth” journal here and can see you are facing many challenges. But facing them with gambling is has to be a positive. I am going to read more of your story. There is much in here I know that. Take good care! John.
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Thanks Carole and John for your posts! Carole, my Mother would want me to close up my house and move in with her so she could have control, or that’s what she thinks. Anyways, I am going to have dinner with my Sister tomorrow night and talk to her about Mom. I think that sometimes she wants attention and she makes things bigger than they really are. It is like dealing with a young child sometimes. I don’t think that I could live with her. I have caught her lying and I don’t know if she is faking anything but with her who knows? John, I am like many others here. We all have issues and challenges. It is a lot easier to deal with them when I am not gambling. Like today, I took my car in to be serviced, oil change and tire rotation. The dealership recommended that I get new tires soon. I do a lot of driving (distance between city and small town where I live). It was something that I had to do so I went to a local tire shop and bought new tires and had a alignment done. I was happy that I wasn’t gambling and had the money to cover the costs. I had breakfast and visited with a old friend. She is awesome and really helped me emotionally when my Husband was sick and when he died. Being able to see her was one of the highlights of my day. The other one was when I picked my Grandson up from karate camp. We had dinner together and talked about his day at school. It’s the little things that make me happy!
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Today I am really tired! I am not doing much. I took my Grandson to school and went and bought all of the party decorations and favors (Batman). I’ve done some laundry and loaded up the dishwasher. I am going to pick up my Grandson from a after school class (computer) today. We are going to get him some dinner and I am taking him to his Dad’s house, then I am off to have dinner with my Sister. I called my Mom last night to see how she was doing. I knew that my Cousin was there visiting but I wanted to touch base with her. She said that my Cousin had given her some money and that they had just returned from the casino. My Mom has always been able to pay her bills and have extra money every month. Now it seems like she never has any money and it makes me wonder if she goes to the casino a lot. I either buy or make us dinners regularly so I know that she doesn’t spend much on groceries. Well, it’s her money and she can spend it anyway she wants. I could never approach her with maybe she has a gambling problem. My Daughter and I are getting along fine. She has 2 big accounts that she is working on so I volunteered to help get the party stuff and food shopping for the cookout. I am going to clean and straighten the house on Friday. I will be going home Saturday after the party. There is a sleep over (6 boys)!! My Daughter’s friend is going to stay the night and help her with them. My Grandson is so excited!!!!
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I think you are very wise to leave before the sleepover!
I work in homecare and I see it a lot that older adults have money and yet will absolutely refuse to spend it. Or…the children think they have money only to find that it has been used up without any real accounting of where it went.
It makes me wonder, with all the buses that will pick up seniors and take them to the casinos if we as a society are not encouraging gambling amongst the elderly.
My mother just recently got a parttime job. She sent me a beautiful text today. I am hoping that the job will help her stop being so angry. She is a CG and is always in trouble with my Dad. Everyday she is at work is a day she is not gambling. I hope this doesn’t continue into her senior years. She is only 63!!! -
Thanks kpat for your post. I think it will be time for me to go home after the birthday party and before the sleep over. LOL!! I think that my Mom is gambling a lot more than she will admit. It is sad that the casinos bus people in to gamble. I think that the elderly are targeted by the casinos. A lot of them are probably lonely, alone, and they get caught up in the gambling madness and become addicts. It is so sad. I had dinner and a good visit with my Sister. She was telling me that she had taken my Mom to the casino and given her money to gamble with last weekend. I think my Mom is out of control but I can’t stop her. I don’t feel like I can even discuss it with her. I just feel tired thinking about it. Kpat, I think that is why my Mom is so angry a lot of the time. She knows she has a problem but won’t admit it to herself. That is the hardest step.
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Hi Lizbeth, my mum is also CG. She introduced me to gambling from a young age. I so wish she hadn’t but maybe I would have found my way there anyway.
It’s hard to watch your parent do without when you know where the money is going. My mum has become quite a charity case despite my dad leaving her very comfortable . You hate to see what gambling does to them in their old age .. How they become frail, ashamed and guilty.. I’ve watched my mum lose touch with her old friends as the machines become her preferred company.
You are doing the right thing in making sure she has some good meals . It’s so difficult ,when we have been brought up to respect our parents, to question them about their finances.
You could perhaps ask her if she has enough or if she is managing with the shopping .
Whatever you decide you are doing brilliant in your own abstinence . You have created such a full life for yourself , and are very much a perfect gran to your grandson. Take the time to congratulate yourself on all you have achieved . -
I have heard of relatives getting their loved ones banned from casinos, Lizbeth!!
Guess if you did that to (for) your mum you would have to take a six month vacation and not leave a forwarding address………………………………………………
Yes, I have seen older people in casinos, rooting in their handbags, as if suddenly realizing they are broke….haven’t been far off it myself!!!
It’s so scary!
I don’t want to be that “old woman in the casino who lost everything”!
Forewarned is forearmed! -
Thanks sad for your post. Thanks for your compliment. I have come a long way and accomplished a lot especially since the death of my Husband (22 months ago) There were many times I wanted to go on a gambling binge but I processed the thoughts through my mind and the consequences. I’m not getting any younger and I need to make sure that I have a secure future. I think my Mom isn’t going without anything but her extra money isn’t lasting till her next payday and she has no savings. My dinner with my sister was good. I approached the subject of mom’s mental health and my sister blew me off. That’s the response I was expecting. She said that mom is real needy and that she is glad that I am there to help her. My oldest Daughter told me that I wasn’t alone that she will help me anyway she can and that I have her support. So that was good. It is what it is. I’m having lunch with my youngest Daughter today and doing the grocery shopping for the birthday party.
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Vera I just saw your post! This new forum! It wasn’t there when I posted last. I wonder if we were posting around the same time. Anyways, I don’t want to be a old lady hanging out in the casino either. Today didn’t start off well as my Grandson was in a real foul mood. That is unusual for him but we all have our bad days. He was very uncooperative and I could tell that my daughter was getting flustered. I took him to school and he was in a much better mood once we got there. My daughter text me from work and thanking me for helping with him this morning. Her and I are making progress as she would have been upset at me in the past for helping as she would think that I was overstepping my bounderies. So all of that is good. I cleaned the house and the bouncy house was delivered and setup. I am tired! I have all my things ready to go when I leave tomorrow. I will be back soon but only for a day to get the appliances fixed. Tomorrow will be awesome as my Grandson will have a good time with his friends!!!
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Thanks kpat! My Grandson’ s party was awesome. Everyone showed up 18 kids and over 20 adults. There were only 3 boys spending the night. I came home before dark and checked in on my Mom. She has a cold. All of the sudden she is getting real huggy with me and its hard for me to go there. I am huggy with my kids and grandson but this seems forced. Anyways, I will go over to her house tomorrow and see if she needs anything. I am glad to be home if only for a few days. My grandson had a friend stay over last night so I hung out with my daughter and we watched a movie in her room and slept in there. Our own slumber party. It was fun. I hope everyone is having a good weekend.
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Well, I ended up in the city a day earlier than expected. My Grandson is sick (cold, coughing) and on top of it he sprang his wrist in karate. My Daughter is afraid that he won’t be able to go to school tomorrow. No big deal!! I gave him a bath and he is relaxing and I send my Daughter to bed as she had little sleep last night. I am taking extra vitamins to hopefully ward off the cold germs.
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Thanks ican for your post. Last night was restless as my Grandson coughed all night even after taking cough medicine. My daughter is only working till noon as she is taking him to the doctors. Strep throat is going around his school. Yesterday when my Daughter called and asked if I could come to the city earlier than planned , she saved me from gambling. I was having strong urges and I was planning on going to the casino. I was installing a new smoke alarm and then I was going to gamble. These urges were the strongest ones I’ve had in a long time. Now that I’ve had time to think things through, I am over the urges. Something is missing from my life. I don’t feel totally fulfilled. I met a woman around my age while taking a walk. We have talked several times. We had a good conversation. She wants us to maybe take a interest class together at the community college. I want to connect but something is holding me back.
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Thanks for your post kpat! I know that I must take the first step in making new friends and finding new experiences. It is scary. I was thinking about a astrology, or artsy class. I came so close to gambling and it would have been bad. I am trying to be more saving with my money as I am going to have to pay a sizable amount of taxes. Yesterday as I was depositing the mortgage payment from my Daughter, I asked about what kind of credit cards they offered. I qualified for one with the cash back offer. I was so proud that I have done the work to get my credit score where it is. It will be used sparingly, mostly to help me get a higher credit score. I trust myself to not use it for gambling or I would not have gotten it. I need to have faith in myself. My grandson is feeling a little better but still coughing. He is staying home with me today. The appliance company (home warranty)will be out today to fix the dryer. I am going home sometime this weekend.
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Your post made me remember a story.
My Dad has always loved to fish, but BOAT really is an acronym for Bring On Another Thousand…so every time the motor would act up, it would emd up costing $$$.
Wjen he was about 50 years old, he took a class at the trade school on boat motor repair (the class was meant for young people wanting to learn a trade). He volunteered his motor for the school project. They fixed his motor, he learned how to work on it at the same time. The class cost about $400, I always thought that was brilliant! -
Well done Liz on getting through those gambling urges, they can strike out of no where cant they no matter how much time gamble free and when they do its a little bit of a shock sometimes as they can be so overpowering..
Thank god you didnt go Lizbeth.. so proud of you. Keep going a day at a time.. maybe that class would be good for you.. i get it, i get urges too.. of course i understand. Im a cg too. Sometimes when they come for me i think im done, i cant escape this and then if i get busy and get in contact with someone, watch a movie, go shopping, meet for coffee, talk to someone, clean, re arrange, then after a while the urge is gone..
I am just so glad you didnt go but stay on guard lizbeth because that addiction is wanting a feed and its starting to bite.. ignore it, keep moving forward, you have come a long way through a lot of heartache and distress and you have come out on top.. dont let that monster of an addiction drag you back again.. dont let it..P
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Thanks kpat and P for your posts! Thanks for your support! I know that if I can ride it out (the urges) and find other things to keep me occupied that I will not gamble. I have been on the brink of gambling many times but have been able to refrain. The thought of being broke and depressed have kept me from gambling too. I have no one but myself to depend on financially so that has also kept the gambling at bay. My Grandson is feeling a lot better. He still has the cough but not as bad as yesterday. I sent my Daughter off with her friends for a night out. So my Grandson and I are just hanging out playing games and watching TV. The washer and oven won’t be fixed for another 2 weeks as parts had to be ordered. At least they will be fixed at some point. I am going home on Monday and will return in 8 days as I promised my Daughter earlier that I would be here so she could attend 2 early morning meetings for her work. Everything is good here!
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Lizbeth , I am so pleased to read you are doing well, and thinking of ways of making new friends and having new interests. I do not meant to put u down in anyway but alarm bells are ringing like mad in my head .. Two consecutive posts from you .. The first you say your daughter’s call saved you from gambling .. The next you say you are going to trust yourself with a credit card..well done on getting your credit card score up. I know I am in the early days Of recovery (one month ) but I also remember last time I stopped it was “earning ” an increase on my maxed out credit card that plunged me into the worse seven month binge ever.
Ask yourself do you really need this card? Really really? You have managed without it .. Don’t make gambling easy..
You have still ” earned ” this card.. You still have made huge progress… But we know how sneaky this addiction is.. We know how difficult it is to stop and stay stopped .. Keep your barriers high Lizbeth..
Sorry for the lecture .. I am not in a position to lecture anyone … Just I got a huge feeling of panic in the pit of my stomach when I read your posts.Hope this is helpful Lizbeth and not annoyingly preaching!
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Thanks sad for your support and concern. I wouldn’t have the card if I thought that I would use it for gambling. I got it to increase my credit score as somewhere down the road I might want another car or another home. I am paying higher interest rates due to my credit. My daughter did save me from gambling at that moment but I think I would have talked myself out of gambling on my own. I need to have more faith in myself and trust myself more. I do realize how gambling again would destroy my life. I do think that I would benefit from GA again. Since there are no meetings in the town I live in, I should find meetings to attend while I’m in the city. I am always reading addiction books, as they have been helpful. I am trying to stay proactive in my recovery. I have many things that I am planning on doing, getting my vegetable garden ready, some small trips, and some diy home improvements. Sad, your post helps me keep myself in check and accountable for my actions. Thank you.
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Hi Lizbeth, I understand about increasing your credit score.its a good idea. You of course know best and I also think you would have talked yourself through the urges anyway.
I am early in recovery. I rem this time last year being in the same place.. Feeling like I could never go back and then in March I destroyed the rest of the year with a binge that lasted months..
We have had a taste of “the good life”Lisbeth so there is no going back for us!! -
Thanks Sad for your post! I take it one day at a time. I do go through rough patches where I have really strong urges and many days where I have no urges. This addiction is so scary and can creep upon us so easily. I am still dealing and working through my issues which I think contribute to my gambling addiction. It is a ongoing process. I will never be cured. I will always be a CG. It is up to me how I am going to handle the urges. I have too much to lose and I have come way too far to backslide. I am still going to check out GA meetings while I am in the city as they are offered all over the city. I do miss going to them. I reread a self help book yesterday and it seems like I get something new from them every time I read them. I like it that you told me what you were feeling about my situation because it makes me think about it also. I have received a lot of helpful advice here and honestly, I won’t be where I am at now in my recovery with out everyone’s support and advice. I am home now and extremely tired. I just RSVP a invitation from my Realtor for a client appreciation party. I am bringing my Mom as my guest. There will be food and a live band. It sounds like fun.
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So, I am in the city again. I wasn’t even home for 1 day. My oldest Daughter was in the emergency room this morning with a high fever, cold and bronchitis. She is home now with prescription cough medicine and antibiotics. My Grandson’s father hasn’t been much help lately as he is battling severe depression and hasn’t gotten any help. He basically works and sleeps. The situation is so sad as it affects my Grandson. He doesn’t spend much time with his dad. My daughter has tried to talk to him about his depression and she even reached out to his mother when she was here at Christmas. No one can seem to get through to him. So my Daughter calls me her co parent. I pray that he gets some help.
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Vera, There is a Grandmother on the dad’s side but she lives in another state. I know I am not the co parent. My Grandson’ s dad is in a terrible state. I told my Daughter that my goal was to be home for the weekend as I need to be in the city in the middle of next week to take care of some business. I feel bad that my daughter has no one to help her here but I do want to spend some time at home. Vera, I do agree that sometimes the boundaries are crossed. I will have to say something if I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I am just hoping that I don’t end up sick as I have been around sickies for the last few weeks.
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My daughter is feeling much better. I think she was smart in getting the antibiotics when she first started feeling sick. She still has a bad cough. I am watching my Grandson and taking care of the household stuff so she can rest when she gets home from work. She can’t afford to miss work. I told her that I was going home Friday evening when she came home from work. The early meeting she had on Wednesday has been moved to a later time and the business I have to attend to can be dealt with via a phone call. I will have to come back for the appliance company when they come back to fix the dryer. If they would only give us more of a advanced notice, my Daughter could maybe work from home that day. But it doesn’t work that way. I have remained sick free. I think the extra vitamins have helped. Have a great day everyone.
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As I wait for the appliance repair man, (they called yesterday), I am REFLECTING on my life, my actions, how I relate to others. This week has been hard. Firstly, I feel like I give my all only to feel let down by others. Yes, it does sound like a pity party. I won’t wallow long! My Grandson is having issues. Am I the only one who sees this? He got in trouble twice this week at school and had to bring home behavior slips for his Mommy to sign and of course he had to face consequences for his actions. So he is grounded from his electronics. There are other things which are out of character going on with him. I didn’t hear, is there anything going on, is something bothering you? I slept with him last night and I asked those questions. I didn’t get much of a response. I held him tight and snuggled him. I just felt a lot of sadness from him. He was in a better mood this morning and was talkative on the way to school. I am just worried that this is being taken too lightly. I have had a headache all morning and now have a sore throat. Maybe I didn’t escape the cold germs after all. I am ready to go home and stay put for awhile. I am learning that I should put myself first. Okay, I am a slow learner.
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I hope you feel better soon. I will be keeping your grandson and your family in my prayers.
Keeping the ones we love from harm is a hard thing to unlearn. If we were to completely unlearn to do that, what sort of persons would we be? I think that caring is part of what makes us be able to have lasting relationships. You do need to set boundaries and let others succeed or fail on their own, but how do we know when to let go? I can’t seem to differientiate between helping and meddling sometimes. Putting ourselves first kind of goes against the mother’s instinct, it is really tough. -
Thanks kpat for your post! It makes a lot of sense to me as I have trouble putting myself first and sometimes I do cross the boundaries of helping and meddling. It is a tough situation to be in. I am at home now. The afternoon was completely wasted. The repairman showed up 1 1/2 hours late. He did call me to say that he was running late. Nothing was fixed. He had to order another part for the oven and he didn’t have the part for the dryer. He was supposed to order that 1 week ago, the first time he came out. He said that he would order the parts and have them expedited. He said that I could leave a key under the mat so he could get in as he didn’t want to inconvenience me. Um, that’s not going to happen!!! He wanted me to know he is bonded. Who cares? No one comes into the house without my Daughter or I there. There is a security system in place on the house. I called the warranty company and complained but they seemed not to care. I will not renew my contract with them again. I will find another home warranty company. So, hopefully the appliances will be fixed soon. Why can’t things run smoothly?? The positive thing that happened today was that my Grandson and both of his parents went to the new SpongeBob movie this evening. I am sure that it made him happy. I feel about the same. I am taking airborne and plan to go to bed soon. Whoo, it’s been quite the day!
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Well, I have been sick since Saturday. I have a head cold and sore throat. It isn’t too bad. I went to the gym this morning and walked 1 1/2 miles and rode the stationary bike. I grilled chicken and asparagus for dinner and my Mom came over. Yesterday we went to the plant nursery and I bought the seeds and fertilizer for my garden. I just need to wait for the night time temperatures to be higher. I am staying busy. I am going to take some cold medicine and get some rest so I will feel like going to the gym tomorrow.
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Hello lizbeth, it sounds like you are keeping quite busy. I remember reading your posts several months ago. I’m sorry to hear you are sick but are doing well with keeping busy and moving in a positive direction. I admire that you are recovering so well. How were you able to move forward and away from your addiction? I feel like it will keep control over me for the rest of my life.
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Thanks C-Noel for your post. I think that going to GA and setting barriers, and coming here and accepting the help and advice from other CG’S have helped me tremendously with my recovery. I have gambled several times during my over 4 years here on GT. I came back here every time and started working towards my recovery again. I still have urges from time to time but I have been able to get through them without gambling. I will always be a CG! I try to live my life in a positive way. C-NOEL, I never thought that I would be able to have a gamble free life till I came to GT. I am still working on issues that have lead to my gambling addiction. I think that it is a ongoing process. Today, I am feeling much better. I have made it to the gym the last 3 days and plan on going the next 2 days. I am still not 100% but getting there.
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I am feeling much better today. I made it to the gym and I went on a walk this evening. I made dinner for my Mom and I. Is it me or do elderly people become grouchy? I am learning to tune it out most of the time. She seems to crave attention like a small child and is very self centered. I try to be understanding but it does get irritating. Her behavior makes me feel lonely. My daughter and grandson may come here this weekend. I invited them up for a fishing trip and picnic. We have had beautiful weather and it would be nice to spend some time doing outside stuff. I am going to get my fishing license and some new fishing gear tomorrow.
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We went fishing yesterday. My daughter was the only one to catch a fish. A good sized trout. We had a lot of fun and met some nice people as the other fishermen shared their tricks with us and pointed out the best places to fish. I followed my Daughter home The appliances were fixed today. Yeah! I am going home tomorrow after I see my youngest Daughter. There was no school today so my Grandson stayed home with me. He had his neighbor friend spend the night It is about 20 degrees warmer here so I will be glad to get home.
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You always amaze me with your busy ness.. its incredible you are always on the go, then sometimes you say you are attending the gym too.. i feel incredibly lazy when i read your posts. im so glad you are not gambling and you are doing all these other things in your life instead. You deserve so much
P
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Thanks P for your post. Today, I am staying home as I am feeling a bit low. In 20 days it will be 2 years since my Husband died. I am experiencing some depression. I thought that is was supposed to get easier as time goes by. My Mom has been sick again (stomach virus) and I have been taking care of her. She is much better today and I decided that I needed to have some time for myself. She wasn’t happy that I wasn’t running to her house but she is feeling better and she will get over it. We are supposed to go to a party tomorrow evening that my Realtor is throwing for her clients. It is a big deal in this small town. I may have to force myself to go. Next Saturday, I am doing a walk for cancer with my oldest Daughter and her friends. They do it every year and I asked if I could participate this year. My Husband’s name will be on the team tee shirt. I will get through all of this. It is just hard! Life isn’t easy!
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HI Lizbeth im sorry to read what you shared.I suppose there is not time limit on grief and missing someone whom you love dearly. What a wonderful way to celebrate your Husbands life though doing the walk for Cancer. This vile disease took my mum also. Wear your husbands name on your tshirts with pride! And yes sometimes life is not easy nor does it seem fair. Thinking about you at this time. John.
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Dear (((Liz)))! From my experience and others, the lead up to a significant anniversary like a death anniversary is actually harder than the day itself. I’m sorry you are depressed but that too will pass, and if it doesn’t, then it’s time to see a doctor. You have done an awful lot for everybody since your husband died. You remind me of myself, in the sense that when it comes to my daughter and her 3 daughters, that I’m always there to fill in the gap with child care. I still self-isolate if it has nothing to do with family. My granddaughter told me that self-isolation is negative coping. I think I knew that but I don’t have any interest in getting involved in my community. I prefer situations where I feel safe. You are always welcome to come here, but I don’t know why anyone would want to leave the sun and come to the cold and lots of snow. Carole
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Thanks John, Carole and P for your posts. I am getting through I woke with a upset stomach and bad headache and chills. I think that I have what my Mom has. I am staying in my PJS today. I decided not to attend the party this evening. I will rest and take care of myself. Carole, thanks for the invite and you are always welcomed to come here. I self isolate also. I want to join in on community things but I am afraid to go out of my comfort zone. I think your Granddaughter is right about the negative coping. If I don’t come out of this soon, I will seek help. I think that I am just going through a bad patch. P, I have just laid on the sofa and watched Netflix all day. That is something that I don’t usually do and it feels good. LOL!!!
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HI Lizbeth, you are such a busy person. Like others here I wonder how often you take time out just for you. (Having flu doesn’t count!!)
I think it might be an idea to explain to the lady who wants you to do a course that you will try something but are not sure you are ready to commit to a long term course at the moment.
It sound like she really likes you and also would enjoy the company. How about the two of you doing a series of “taster” sessions . You might find something you both really enjoy.Grief is strange Lizbeth. Some days you feel you are completely over the death of your loved one, and then a memory is triggered by perhaps a smell or seeing someone who looks like your loved one from a distance, and the pain is so strong you feel shocked at its intensity.
Anniversaries are so hard to get through, and sometimes more difficult with the passing of time.Your daughter is a single mum, and her child’s father has depression. You are a wonderful grandmother to step in and help her out. If the boundaries weren’t crossed sometimes you wouldn’t be doing your job!! Grans can see from the outside things mums sometimes can’t! Sometimes mums don’t take to the advise straight away but they know it is coming from a place of love.. It sounds like you have a doting grandson and an appreciative daughter . They are able to have a much better life because of your “co-parenting” and it sounds like you find it really fulfilling too.
I think keep doing the things that make you feel fulfilled!!I am selfishly a little disappointed you were ill and didn’t make it to the party . I was looking forward to hearing what you wore, what you ate, who was there etc… But there will be other parties!
Lizbeth you are doing great.. Hope you are feeling better soon!
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Thanks for your post Sad. I was disappointed in myself that I didn’t push through and go to the party. I laid on the couch all day yesterday. I am feeling about the same today but I am going to try to add the organic compost to my garden soil. I think that I would feel better doing something. I do feel fulfilled doing things for both of my daughter’s and grandson. When I come to the city next week for the cancer walk, I am staying a extra day and getting a hotel room so my youngest Daughter and I can spend some time together. She is staying with friends and our get togethers are spent in restaurants as her living arrangements aren’t the best. We can have dinner together and just spend some one on one time together. I do feel pulled sometimes to the limit. When I get home from the city Mom wants me to spend everyday with her. I explain to her that I want to be in my home and that I need a few days to relax. She doesn’t get it. I told my Daughter that my visits would be sparse during the summer as it is so hot there and it is about 20 degrees cooler here. I need to stick to what I say and put boundaries up again. It’s all a process.
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(((Liz))) It sounds like you are stuck in the same place as I am. For me it seems like a hurdle to try and make new friends, as it would take too much emotional energy. When I was in Phoenix, I found the heat unbearable, so I understand why you would prefer being somewhere cooler. You say your time in the city will be limited, but I know you and I know myself, and whatever help our daughters need with the grandkids, we’ll be there. Maybe we should arrange to meet somewhere warm and then we’d both have to get out of our comfort zone? Carole
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Carole, maybe we can plan for a future trip that would be more conducive for both of us. I am looking forward to it. I woke this morning feeling a bit worse. I had planned on going to the gym but that’s not going to happen today. It is rainy and gloomy here but we do need the rain. The guy that does my yard work every month called yesterday and came over and prepared my vegetable garden and feed my 15 rose bushes. I was so thankful as it is had been weighing on me and I didn’t feel up to do it. He does good work and needs the work as he has 4 young children. So, I am going to rest again today and hopefully get better soon.
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I am sorry you are still feeling under the weather. Your garden sounds like it is going to bring you a lot of joy. It is good that you have someone to help you and I am sure it feels great to be able to pay someone willing to do a honest job.
I was as Sad as Sad to read you missed the party. I secretly wanted you to mingle and meet some fantastic new friends. -
Thanks Kpat for your post! I am feeling much better today. I spent the day with my Mom. We did some shopping and had lunch out. I ran into the woman that I met that wants to take a course at the college. She had gone to the college and if you are over 55 years of age the interest classes are free. Sign up for the May classes is next month. I am going to do it!! I feel positive energy from her!! I am going to the city tomorrow as I have rented a hotel room for my youngest Daughter and I so we can spend some time together. She is living with friends and doesn’t have her own place. I was coming down on Friday anyways as I am participating in the Cancer Walk on Saturday. I am not depressed now. I have worked through it. Sometimes I wonder if I am posting too much here. I am keeping my gambling in check and there are a lot of new people here needing help. I have noticed that many of the people who have been on here for awhile (like me) aren’t posting much. Something to think about.
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I am glad you are posting! I enjoy reading them and believe it helps me to see how someone can survive this addiction. I am glad you were able to spend time with your daughter. Having read your entire thread, I know she worries you. I have a great respect for you and all you have been through over the past few years. I know you work hard to make each day count for something positive and that is what makes you something special. XXX
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Thanks kpat and John for your posts! I am going home tomorrow after I take my Grandson to school as my Daughter has a early morning international meeting via the computer. I am getting my last hugs from my sweet Grandson. I made a awesome dinner for us and my Daughter and Grandson told me all about their day. Sunday, my Daughter and I went to a event that my Sister hosts every year for work and all the proceeds go to charity. It was the first time that my daughter and sister have seen each other in almost 2 years (my sister’s choice) It was a little awkward. We were invited and my Daughter wanted to go. . My daughter didn’t go into it with any expectations. My sister was very cold. Our family is very dysfunctional. I was proud of my Daughter on how she handled the situation. She is lucky to be surrounded by a great group of friends whom she considers family. It is what it is.
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I came home yesterday. What a klutz I am. I was getting my mail and slipped on the loose rocks by the box. I tore open my knee. It could have been a lot worse. No broken bones. I soaked in the bath tub and took some tylenol. I was able to go to the gym this morning. It is sore and bruised. Not too bad! I have signed up for another Cancer Walk in May in my town. All the proceeds stay here in our town. I will be able to light a luminary in remembrance for my Husband. I think my Mother was trying to get to me today. She is so negative. I am learning to block her out as nothing I can say helps. I am taking her out to a nice steak dinner on Saturday. She started protesting on how much it will be and I made the statement that she spends a lot more that the cost of the dinner at the casino. Anyways, I am paying for it! She went to the casino with her neighbor while I was gone. Of course, it was all doom and gloom. She doesn’t get it! Anyways, everything is good. I am only responsible for myself and how I react to the negative energy around me! I think it is time to start meditating again. LOL!!!
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Nothing new going on here! I worked out 3 days this week. I am doing 2 miles on the treadmill (40 mins) My knee is much better. I think the walking has helped a lot. I am getting caught up on my house work and yard work. I love being home getting things done and enjoying my house. Tonight I am taking my Mom out for dinner. I am looking forward to it as I have never been there, neither has she. Hopefully she will be in a positive mood. It’s fun to dress up and go somewhere new! Whatever happens, I am going to have a good time.
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I hope that your mum was in good spirits when you saw her.. i know its challenging.. what ive been doing is really remembering i cant control other people and just they are how they are.. if they are going to be negative then you show her how you live in comparison.. you are doing a wonderful job of your recovery.. so pleased and proud of you that you did not give in when you had those urges.. your recovery is amazing.. so full of life and family and positive things..
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P, thanks for your post! I am learning that I can’t control others behavior also. She was pleasant at the dinner. It is challenging as she is negative 90 percent of the time. She isn’t going to change this stage of the game and honestly, she doesn’t think that she is doing anything wrong. I think it is how you look at life. I would rather have a happy, positive outlook than be negative and unhappy. I kicked butt today at the gym. I walked 40 minutes on the treadmill and biked for 20 minutes (fast) I worked for 1 hour in my garden area, removing rocks. I am invited to a event next Tuesday. It is about the history of the town told by a cowboy. Sounds interesting. I am definitely going. Tomorrow afternoon is haircut time. I am making dinner (roast and vegetables) for my Mom and I too! Keeping busy and staying out of trouble.
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Today started off well. I got up early and put a roast and vegetables in the crock pot and picked my Mom up and went to the gym. I had a good workout. The trouble started once I was back at my Mom’s house. We were talking and suddenly she got up and said she was going to work in her yard and that I needed to leave. It was just so rude. I told her that she could have been nicer about it. She told me that it was my issue if I felt that way. She doesn’t care what she says and if it’s hurtful. I don’t know why but suddenly I wanted to gamble. Why would I want to be self destructive? I am trying to work through the urges. I have tried to be close to both my Mom and sister and it is a one sided relationship. I have friends whom have more feelings for me. It is just so crushing and painful. It is like part of them, the emotional side is dead. I love them but don’t like the way they treat myself and other’s in our family. There is a kind of fakeness about them. On a lighter note, I am running a rely for Cancer in May. Next week is the team member meeting so I will meet new people. I invited my Mom to the cowboy town history presentation and of course she wasn’t interested but I am going. I am going the college tomorrow to look into classes. Next week my Daughter and Grandson are coming so we can go on a small road trip to the grand canyon. It will be amazing! I am looking at all the positives I have in my life.
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I am sorry to read that your Mother treated you so rudely. Why do you think that we automatically want to gamble when things get stressful? I do the same thing and yet we both know there is no solace in that direction.
Hang in there, if your Mother is like I think she isl tomorrow she will act like nothing happened. That is how my Mom is. She is unhappy inside herself so she acts rudely and negative and then the next call I get it is as if nothing happened and we arre just the same as always. I dont think therapy is something she will go for and short of God moving her out of this negativity, I dont see her changing. I have to just let it go. She almost cant help herself at this point. She certainly is not going to open up just because I ask her too. In fact, if I were ro try to talk about real emotions, it would start a whole new fight.
i love her, but she hurts me. -
After all these years, maybe its time that you accept her for who and how she is. Its not you..its her. Don’t let it define you. I know its easier said than done but I see a lot of people that are troubled and indirectly reflect there relationships with parents in there own lives. You cannot change your mum. She is how she is and her attitude and behaviour is not your responsibility. Just love her for being your mum. And love yourself for who You are.
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Thanks BU for your post. I totally agree with your comments about my Mother. I am working on just loving her and leaving the rest behind. I am letting her behavior bother me and I know it’s not healthy. It is just taking me awhile to sort it all out. I reflect about how her behavior affected my siblings and I when we were children and how we have all taken it with us into adulthood. Very unhealthy. I am breaking the cycle with my children. I am very loving and emotionally there for my children, grandson. They are my everything. Kpat, I did have a good day. I had a good workout this morning. I planted flowers. My garden area is almost prepared. I need to add some more fertilizer to it. I can’t plant till May. Our nights here still get down to freezing till then. I am looking forward to the garden. I have never planted vegetables before. It will be interesting.
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Today is the 2nd anniversary of my husband’s death. I am doing okay. I spent my day as usual, My morning workout and some time spent with my Mom. I am at home now just relaxing. It is a cloudy, cold day here. I have no gambling urges. I was worried that this day might inginte some urges. I know that he is resting in peace now. He is truly missed.
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Yesterday my nephew, his wife and their 5 month old baby came for a visit. My Mom and I took turns holding her. What a cutie! My nephew is a wounded vet (twice) and waiting for his disability benefits to start. That is another story that I won’t get into. His wife has caused issues with the family, including my daughter’s. She was okay yesterday. My 2 nephews have 6 children from 6 different women. Our family has no contact with any of them except the newest one. Very sad. I was thinking after they left for the city if there was anyway for us to come together as a family again and I think the answer is no. My grandson has no cousins to grow up with. He is very fortunate to have many friends who are his family. Tomorrow I am going to the city so I can get my car repaired. It is part of a recall. They said it would take about 1 hour to repair. Then I am heading home. Today is my day to relax and stay in my PJS and watch tv. Take care everyone.
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Hi Lizbeth, just been catching up on your thread, and as usual you are very busy and very positive .
I hope your husbands anniversary wasn’t too painful for you. Well done on not gambling when the urges came.Some people just always see the glass half full.. That just the way they are. As your mum is gambling that will have a negative effect on her mood as we all know only too well.
It is good that you can rise above It and recognise your own strengths as a mother..Keep doing everything u are doing Lizbeth.. Enjoy the cowboy night !!!
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I hope you enjoy your day in your pj’s.. you need those days every now and then.. i am really glad you keep posting.. at times i drop off and i see you have been consistent, its a really good thing, it may have helped you get through those urges.. i know if i get urges i do get back on here quick smart.. but i think i should post regardless.. ive gone a bit quiet but had some big health problems with my little family.. it is ok now.. and i have been tested but coming out the other side.. you are one strong woman Lizbeth.. i am inspired by your recovery..
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Thanks Sad and P for your posts! I have been busy these last few days. Last night I went to a meeting for the cancer relay that I will be doing in May. I am on a team now as it will be fun to work with others. We will set up a booth at the event and raise some more money for the charity. Someone in our group is making jewelry to sell and we are going to sell baked goods. Everyone seemed real nice! Tonight I am going to the (cowboy) History of our town. I received a phone call reminder for tonight. I can’t wait as it will be interesting. I am getting used to a small town as I was born and raised in a huge city. Things here are a lot different. Everything is a lot slower and people are very friendly. It’s all good! My oldest Daughter and Grandson will be here tomorrow night as our trip to the Grand Canyon is coming up. I just love road trips!!!!
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That Team was a godsend Lizbeth
You were looking for new friends and groups to join. Being united in a common charity forms lasting bonds because most people on your team will be there for the same reason as you. To keep the memory of Loved Ones alive!
The Lord moves in strange ways!!
Very well done on your magnanimous strides in recovery Liz!
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Thanks Vera for your post. I am going out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there meeting new people. It isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Tonight was awesome. The cowboy is the town historian. He was so interesting. His great great grandfather was one of the founding fathers of the town. A lot of the history was told to him from his grandparents. He is a author also. I bought one of his books and he autographed it for me. It was a intimate setting of about 20 people. My realtor put the presentation together. She is a fantastic person. Anyways, I really enjoyed my evening.
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My daughter and grandson are coming this evening instead of yesterday. There was something going on at school today that my Grandson didnt want to miss. LOL! It is raining here, much needed for all of my plants, rose bushes. I picked my Mom up and we went to the gym. I asked her on the way home if she would like to stop and have breakfast. She said no, so when we got to her house she was surprised that I wasn’t coming in. I told her that I was going out for breakfast and that’s what I did. I went to a little cafe and everyone was very nice. It was enjoyable. I had a light bulb moment today about my life. So much of the traits that my sister and I have come from our upbringing, mainly my Mom. Today when she didn’t want to go to breakfast she made the assumption that I would’t go as she had made the decision. As trivial as that seems, it made me think about issues that are happening now in our family. We all don’t deal with issues constructively as we weren’t taught how as children. A lot to think about. I can see things that I am working on personally. I am trying to break the circle of dominance, rage, and selfishness that I was brought up in. At least I am recognizing the issues and am trying to change things within myself.
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We are on our road trip, mini vacation. Today didn’t start off well. My daughter and I got into a big argument and in front of my Grandson. I felt like shxx afterwards. Anyways, we were able to sit down and talk and work through our issues. . We both took ownership of our stuff. I think that we both learned a lot from this. We ended up having the most awesome day. We went to a animal sanctuary that you drive through. We saw so many animals. We then went to the walk through part and saw 3 newborn bear cubs and many other animals. We are vegging in our hotel room now. We had pizza delivered for dinner. My Daughter is already asleep. My grandson and I are watching the Lego movie. Tomorrow we head for the Grand Canyon.
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Thanks P for your post! Our mini trip was awesome. We all had fun. My daughter and grandson didn’t leave to go home till this evening. She made dinner for us and my Mom came over. Earlier, my Daughter and I watched a documentary about addictions. Her and I talked about her struggles with her demons. She has been drug free for over 2 years. I am so proud of her. She has worked hard for her recovery and has come a long way. Even though we had a disagreement we were able to talk and work through it. We have come a long way.
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Yes you have come a long way Lizbeth too in your recovery.. it amazes me all you do.. i love reading your posts… i always get a warm feeling from your words.. you are such a special person it really does shine across the pages you write here.. the forum is always changing but you are always here, and i love it.. cant wait to read the next one…. have a good day
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Thanks P for your thoughtful post. I don’t think that I sometimes give myself credit for how far I’ve come. I think it has always been hard for me to accept compliments or to give myself kudos as I have always dealt with low self esteem. I am now feeling like I have a lot to give to others and that I value my self worth. Today was very trying for me as my Mom was very difficult. My sister is going through some tough times and my Mom thrives on the drama. It’s all she wanted to talk about. While I am sorry that she is going through a bad time it’s part of life. She will get through it and hopefully come out stronger. We all have things to deal with and a lot of the time it is out of our control. My Mom wasn’t happy that I wouldn’t buy into the drama and negativity and she became hateful with me. I went home as don’t deserve to be treated badly. On a positive note, my Daughter and Grandson are coming for Easter, maybe my ex son in law and his brother also. We are going to do some hiking. Always a fun time. My daughter and I are reading Guts by Kristen Johnston, about addiction and sobriety. We saw her on a documentary about addictions. Very interesting.
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Today started off wonderfully. I had a mani/pedi, a pretty light purple for Easter! I picked up my Mom and we went to the gym. As soon as she got into the car, I could feel the tension and anger. I said hardly anything as to not get her going. On the way home, I told her that I wasn’t coming into her house as I was taking some clothes to the donation place and that I was going home to fix lunch for us. She came unglued. I was told what a terrible person I was. I don’t take blame for anything, ect… I asked what I needed to take blame for? Never got a answer. I asked her why she is so angry? Bad move!!! She screamed and ranted about how everything is always my fault. She wasn’t making any sense. When we got to her home she stood outside the car screaming at me. I asked her calmly to shut the car door and I drove off!!! It never ends with her. I am sad to say that I was in tears. I let her get to me again. It just brought up how I was raised. It was being screamed at, witnessing fits of rage, being manipulated, made to feel guilty and not being talked to for days because I won’t agree with her. Ironically, that’s what my Sister does to her, but doesn’t talk to her for years at a time. I do everything in my power not to follow what I was taught. I am proud of myself as I didn’t raise my voice at her. I dropped off the clothes and came home and called her to see if she was coming for lunch. She won’t call me, I have to call her or we wouldn’t talk. She said no and hung up on me. Wow, while writing this I just realized that she is still manipulating me. I am very sad. I had thoughts of gambling, (self destruction) afterwards but I am not going to do that. I am going to make myself a nice lunch and relax in my home. Sorry for the rant but I feel comfortable here and know that I won’t be judged.
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Hi Lizbeth
How glad I am to read that your mother’s poor behaviour did not start a chain reaction. You did well keeping your cool.
Look after yourself Lizbeth – you didn’t deserve the outburst, you are not responsible for whatever is eating your mother up. It takes time to get over unwarranted confrontation so relax and enjoy the peace and safety of your own home.
The mani/pedi sounds great – I love purple nails.
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Thanks Velvet for your support. I didn’t gamble!! I made myself a wonderful dinner, spinach ravioli with marinara sauce, a tossed salad and bread sticks. I enjoyed being at home. I ordered a picnic table, patio umbrella, which will be delivered before Easter. My family can sit outside and enjoy Easter dinner. I had a call from my Grandson and it made everything better. I have been on the computer looking at rentals for our Yosemite vacation in June. I am going to keep my distance till she cools off. I don’t expect a apology as she doesn’t think she is ever in the wrong. I don’t want to be anything like her.
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Dear (((Liz)))! I read a post about you and your Mother’s interactions. The only thing that comes to mind is that you are never going to get what you want and need from her. She doesn’t have it to give. I had to come to that sad realization many years ago with my own mother. The only thing you can do is put those barriers around you and when she is acting unkind to you, cut the visit short. She will be angry but it sounds like no matter what you do, you incur her anger a lot of the time. You need to take care of yourself emotionally, and stop trying being everything to everybody. It sounds harsh but it’s what I believe to be the truth! Carole
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Carole, Thanks for your support and comments. I don’t think that you are being too harsh. You are right! I am never going to get from my Mom what I need. It doesn’t matter what I do, she is always angry. I get what you are saying about being everything to everyone. I have cut my trips to the city significantly. My Daughter and Ex Son In Law are good parents and capable of taking care of my Grandson. I am learning that the only way to escape my Mom’s wrath is to remove myself from the situation. I didn’t go to the gym this morning and I haven’t called my Mother. I have to have some peace. I am going to jump into the shower and go buy some flowers to plant in my pots on my front porch. I am tired of the drama train!
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I GAMBLED this evening!!!! I didn’t do much damage but I am so disappointed with myself. I did buy flowers to plant and I spent most of the day cleaning, etc. I called my Mom to see how her eye appointment went. The answering machine came on. She never called me back. Although I love my place and small town life, I wonder if I made a big mistake moving here. My Mom is dependent on me and is getting meaner everyday. Why did I let things get to me? Gambling wasn’t the answer to my problem. I have to pick myself up and deal with things. I’m feeling low right now.
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I have just seen your post and could almost feel that horrible feeling we get when we have let ourselves down. So I wanted to say, please don’t beat yourself up. You have been making so much real progress in life, within yourself and also with your family. You share the ups and downs of your daily journey with us here and this is of great help to those of us who read – as well as a help to you, I hope, of course. I am often amazed at your energy and dedication. In your post, you write about having gambled, but you also write about cleaning, planting flowers and reaching out to your mother – so more positives than negatives. I’m glad you like your home and town – it is a great blessing in life, when we can live in appreciation of those things and not just take them for granted. This move has its ‘difficult side’ for you, too, but don’t let a ‘low moment’ fill you with regret about your decisions. I’m sure you made the decision to move with much thought and wisdom.
Probably by the time you read this, you will already have ‘re-adjusted’, you will have put this gambling moment behind you and got back your resolve to live a useful and contented life. But I want to say that your posts are of great value, your new life is of great value and that these bad moments do not deserve too much of your attention and energy. As Carole has said, I think, you know your mother will not ‘give back’ to you in a good way, but you can rest at ease that YOU are doing what is right. But do guard yourself and your emotions, too, when necessary. Re-assess your boundaries when necessary too.
Keep going. You make such a good contribution to the lives of others.
Best wishes,
Monique -
I know that awful feeling of betrayal. I always feel I betray myself when I gamble. Rejection, frustration, being pushed away or ignored are some of the factors which contribute to our “downfall” i.e. gambling.
I think your mum pushes you over the brink emotionally. When people who are close to me do that I often think “Why bother” but we both know there are lots of reasons why we should bother!
From what I read your mam will never change. I also hear you saying she has gambling problems. We all know what gambling does to our moods and our health. She seems to be using you as her punch ball and scapegoat rolled into one. This is the coping skill she has learned to avoid facing her real problems. She seems angry and full of fear. Time for you to give her a wide berth! -
Thanks Monique and Vera for your kind posts. It is good to know that I am valued here. Everything you both have said is true. Why am I resisting? I woke with the gambling hangover. I want to just pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day. I am very depressed. I am on a emotional roller coaster concerning my relationship with my Mom. Silly me, I thought about calling her. Why? I am always trying to fix things between us. She could care less. I have to let go of my hopes for a healthy relationship with her. It is never going to be. I just feel like she takes the life right out of me!!! I won’t call her. I am going to get dressed and go to the store to get the stuff for my Grandsons Easter basket. I am not going to let someone define my happiness. I am in control of my happiness.
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Thanks Vera. I bought the Easter basket stuff. Maybe I went a little overboard. LOL. I went to the local nursery and bought a beautiful peach tree. The yard guy is going to plant it for me tomorrow. I am going to plant my flowers (yellow and purple) in pots to be put on the front porch. I am feeling much better emotionally. My Mom called to see what I was doing. I made it brief and told her that y was spending time in my yard today. Thanks for the posts.
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I am so proud of you for coming here and saying you gambled and then you are straight back on here and continuing on.. that is wonderful.. it is something i have never been able to do.. once i go once i am gone for a long time. I am so glad that is not the case for everyone. I dont want to sound like im lecturing or anything but can i say please please be super careful now you have had a taste for it.. i cringe when i hear people say i didnt lose much or i came out even.. often very soon after they are back.. it doesnt mean you will be its just the trickiness of the addiction.. the wonderful thing is though you are here, totally transparent telling us all about your life not hiding anything and being upfront saying , i gambled, then your next post is back into life.. just wonderful to see. Please dont be hard on yourself.. be careful but dont punish yourself .. you have done amazingly well in recovery.. just keep going again on the gamble free path. I am sure your grandson will love easter this year with that easter basket you have collected.. be kind to you Lizbeth
P
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Thanks P for you supportive and kind post. I screwed up. I am not going to gamble. I haven’t had any urges. It wasn’t any fun and I felt guilt the whole time. Of course I lost and could have gone to the atm to pull out more money but I didn’t. I went to the restaurant and bought dinner and left. I didn’t feel the same high and excitement that I did in the past. I have taxes to pay, etc. The $200 dollars I blew could have been used in a more constructive way. I need to let that go. The flowers are planted and look lovely. I have rented a cabin for our Yosemite trip in June. I was looking at the pictures of it and I can’t wait to be there. I was checking out things to do such as hiking, fishing etc. I feel more grounded today. Can’t wait till tomorrow when my peach tree is planted. I have many bees in my flowering trees so they will be cross pollinating it. Being outside today (it is beautiful weather here) made me feel better.
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(((Liz)))
It takes a lot for you to go gamble! Maybe you were devastated in the realization that you’re never going to have the relationship you want with your mother! Whatever the reason, today is a brand new day! A clean slate!! Good for you for telling your Mom that you were doing your own thing today. Carole -
Today is a new day. I think I did finally realize that my relationship with my Mom will never get better. I guess I had this unrealistic idea that I could change it. I could never be as mean as she is even to someone I dislike. She wants me to jump on the drama train with her over everything. No thanks. The negativity emitting from her is scary. Tomorrow, I am staying home also. Monday night I am going to the city to spend the night with my friend. I get to meet her Grandson she is raising. We have kept in touch the last year by phone and emails. It will be good to see her. I will come back Tuesday evening as she has to go to work on Wednesday. I am not telling either daughter that I am in town. This is my time.
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I woke feeling a little low and vulnerable. I am waiting for the yard guy as he is late. I am going to stick close to home today. I am not trusting myself at this moment. I think that I could do some damage gambling. P, you were right! I am getting the silent treatment from my Mother. Although it is sad, there is nothing I can do to change it. I didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t deserve to be treated badly. Just feeling a little lost today.
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Vera, I think that is a wonderful idea for me to talk to my Daughter about my relapse. She and my Grandson are on a camping trip with friends. I will get in touch with her this week. My peach tree is planted and looks awesome. I have things around the house to keep me occupied. I need to pack for my overnight trip. I am going to work through the urges. Going to the gym tomorrow morning before I leave. I will go on a walk later as that will help me.
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I am back from my overnight trip. It was awesome to see my friend. I have invited her and her Grandson up for a weekend. I picked my Mother up on Monday morning and we went to the gym. She was very cold and distant but that is better than the anger, and screaming. My Sister called me last night and we had a lengthy conversation. She is going through her own issues right now, mainly with her youngest son who has retired from the service with full disability benefits due to a brain and shoulder injury from the war. I really feel for her but she sounds like she is handling everything in a healthy and positive way. She told me that she feels bad that she can’t be here more often but she works full time. She said she didn’t know if she could deal with Mom’s anger issues on a regular basis. It was good to have her support and knowledge of the situation. I am going to relax the rest of the day. Tomorrow, back to the gym.
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My Mom had her stress test today. She needs to have a stent placement (heart artery) She was upset so I took her to breakfast and we talked about it. She had a stent placement about 10 years ago. The procedure has to be done in the city and she will have to stay the night. Her cardiologist office will call us with a date. I am assuming sometime next week. Her cardiologist here will perform the procedure. We will talk to my Daughter when she is here this weekend about us staying at her house. My Mom is feeling much better about everything. She even told me thank you for taking her this morning and for me being there for her. It felt good to hear these words. I am emotionally drained. I am going to bed early tonight as I want to hit the gym early. I have someone coming over tomorrow to replace the warped fence pickets (backyard) and then he is going to stain the fence. It needs it.
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Well, my Mother’s positive attitude didn’t last for long. She was in rare form this morning when we went to the gym. I guess that I have to learn to enjoy the good times with her and run when it turns bad. LOL!!! I did have a good workout. The handyman/yardman and I went to Home Depot and bought the new wood pickets, nails, ect… to repair my fence. He is working on it now!!! Nothing else going on. I am taking everyday with a positive attitude and I am grateful for everyone and everything in my life.
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This weekend was awesome but I am tired! All of my house guests but 2 have gone home. Easter was great. I had fun watching my Grandson hunt eggs. The barbecue was delicious. My daughter is a great cook and my Mom and I pitched in making the sides and desserts. We had family, friends and new friends over. It turned out well. I am going to get my house straightened this evening in preparation of going to the city for my Mom’s procedure. We should be getting a call tomorrow. My ex son in law put my picnic table and umbrella together. I will be using it a lot. I hope that everyone had a good Easter.
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My grandson has been with me since Easter Sunday as he wasn’t feeling well. I think that he had a virus. I am in the city at my daughter’s house and I’m going to spent the night and go home in the morning. My daughter’s guy friend is coming over to fix us dinner. I am feeling a little anxiety right now as my daughter’s house could use a good cleaning, very cluttered. In the past, I would just start cleaning but I am telling myself to curb my compulsive urges to do so as everyone has their level of cleanliness. I am very organized, etc. But that’s me. As trivial as this seems it is part of my compulsive issues and I have always taken on the fixer and pleaser role. I am breaking free from this. One little step at a time. We haven’t heard from my mom’s cardiologist yet on the date of the procedure. Hopefully, she will hear soon so we can proceed and get it over with. It is a lot to get her to the city, etc. as she hates to be away from her environment. I am tired. Going to bed early.
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I was really depressed today. Why? I stayed home and just isolated myself and watched tv all day. I asked my Mom to join me tomorrow so we can go to yard sales and lunch. I will feel better getting out and about. Good news, my youngest Daughter got a job with a good company. I am praying that it works out for her. There isn’t a date set for my Mom’s procedure. I wasn’t allowed in the testing room so I didn’t hear what the cardiologist said to her. She has told me several different stories. I urged her to call his office on Friday and she left a message. She should hear back from them on Monday. I want to go to the city next month and spend 5 days to visit with my kids and Grandson, sister, nephew and great niece. I guess I am feeling isolated and overwhelmed with my Mom. I guess I need to get a life. Today I was self reflecting and realize how I suffer from low self esteem and self worth. I am working on these issues. I want my relationships to be real and I want to form new relationships. Something is holding me back. I guess I have a lot to learn.
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You are going through a few things right now but you know what you are are not gambling and that to me is incredible that after that blip you got up straight away and continued with your gamble free journey, im amazed.. well done..
I hope your grandson is feeling better soon and that your mums stent goes well..
Love seeing your posts, i think i read you werent going to post so much but i love reading them, but understand sometimes we need to step back if we feel.. you are doing well LizbethP
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My Mom has a April 30th appointment with her cardiologist and then a date will be given for her stent placement. My youngest Daughter is loving her job and they want to hire her full time. Maybe this is the break she needs. I am picking my Grandson up from karate this afternoon and he is spending the weekend with me. Things are good here!!! I am working out every morning and feeling good. I am reading others posts here. There are quite a few new people here. I hope everyone is having a awesome day!
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Thanks Vera for your post. I’m happy to say that my Daughter is still loving her job. This is the first job that she’s had in years because of her drug addiction. I made the decision to help her get a car as she was taking 5 buses, one way to get there. Of course it is used and was a cash deal so it could be in her name. Weird as it sounds, I had a dream where my Husband told me to help her. So I did what I thought was right. Tomorrow I am going to the city for 5 days to stay with my Grandson while my Daughter is at a convention in Florida for her job. I am looking forward to more time with him and it will be good to get away for awhile. He may have his neighbor friend come over for a sleep over during the weekend. Fun!!!!
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Hi, I just wanted to post today as I am having a good day. My daughter is in Florida now. My grandson is in school then karate. He is going for a haircut afterwards and then we are going out for dinner. I’ve been doing some cleaning and laundry. I did do a few errands this morning which included shopping. I bought 2 summer blouses. I’m feeling real content and relaxed. More than I’ve felt in sometime. We might have a rain shower tonight. Hope so!!!
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How good your daughter has that job. Well done to her and good on you for helping her with getting the car and the support.. sounds like you and the grandson are in for some fun. Its great you bought some clothes too, good to see you doing good things in recovery and treating yourself a little too..
P
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Thanks P for your post. My Grandson and I are having a great time! This morning when I dropped him off at school he told me that he loved me and blew kisses to me as he walked away! I started thinking (yes I know that can be dangerous) of how lucky he and I are to have our close relationship. It brought back memories of my Grandmother and I. She was the most important and influential person in my life. She was non judgemental and had unconditional love for me. I still think of her, 24 year after her death. I guess the lesson I learned from her is to love unconditionally, and to be accepting and non judgemental. The moments I have with my Grandson are the memories that will carry on after I am gone. This puts everything into perspective for me.
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Hi lizbeth,
Your grandson is so very lucky to have such a doting granny!
You’re shaping his little life, and I’m sure he enjoys spending time with you as you do him!
I never knew my grandparents, well, only 1 and she died when I was 13, she had 15 children so I was just one in a long long line of grandchildren, I never had a relationship with her except for a kiss on the cheek. She did however always know my name! All the others were long gone by the time I was born. It’s Anzac Day here today, my grandfather was in WWI, so I have been reflecting on him and my gorgeous dad who was in WWII. It’s an emotional day in Australia and New Zealand, dawn services, marches in every town, 2 up and beer later on……(not me, I’m driving!!)
Dames has gone to his mums for the night so me and the boys have planned a day of local football, after the march of course.
It’s great to read how well you are doing, I’m so happy for you lizbeth, working recovery and most importantly…….living!
Love K xxxxx -
Thanks Kathryn for your post! My Grandson spent the night with one of his classmates. I am home alone. A night to relax and recharge. I am hoping to go home on Monday. The pool guy was here the other day as the pump and switch need to be replaced. Luckily, everything is covered by the home warranty. He is supposed to be back sometime Monday to replace the parts. It rained a little today. I am going to pull some weeds in the backyard tomorrow. I need to keep busy plus I like to help my Daughter out. Have a great weekend everyone.
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Well, I am home now. My Daughter had a awesome trip. My Grandson and I had a great time together. The pool was fixed today. YEAH! I am just relaxing the rest of the day. My Mom and I will resume going to the gym tomorrow. Thursday is her cardiologist appointment so we will see what happens. My Daughter and I have already planned a fishing trip and picnic on Mother’s Day. Can’t wait. The streams, lakes, are being stocked every week with rainbow trout. It’s fun to do and a good family adventure. Everything is good!
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So pleased to read everything is good for you right now.. i love seeing your recovery it has always been so full.. you amaze me. I admire that though you had a slip you got back up and continued on and straight back into recovery, had that been me i would still be out there now.. so wonderful to read your life just got back on track.. you have got through many tough situations and you are a living example of recovery, i love it
P
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Thanks P for your supportive post. We don’t have a exact date for the angiogram but it will be on a Tuesday. The cardiologist will be able to determine if a stent, multiple stents or heart surgery is needed and it will be done then. My Mom is taking everything in stride. I know she is nervous, who wouldn’t be? She was very appreciative towards me for taking her to the doctor and being there for her. I am totally drained, so tired. It will be a early night.
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Well, I didn’t sleep well last night. I think that I am worrying about my Mom. Besides her physical health, her mental health is becoming concerning. I need to start confronting these issues and decide what I need to do. Since I lost my Husband, the reality of death is always in my mind. My Father died when I was 16 years old. We were not close but he was my Dad. He drank himself to death. I have lost 2 Step Fathers, one who raised me. So how am I dealing with this? I wanted to gamble earlier this morning. I guess I wanted to run from the reality because it’s easier to do, but not really in the long run. I cleaned, watched Tv and now I am posting as it helps me to vent and process my thoughts. I know that I will get through this. I will not gamble.
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Good on you for resisting the urges, its hard some days, it seems like the option that will just fix everything and make us feel better and it might for a short amount of time but then walking out those doors Lizbeth, ugh, the shame, the guilt, the loss of money, the desire ignited to keep going, the craving, the adding, the subtracting, the why did i do that again, the lost sleep and the regret.. the mental fog it puts us in after. Lizbeth, delay, do what you are doing by getting busy when you have those urges, they always pass. its a matter of waiting them out. Can you see a therapist or counsellor for your concerns? How about even trying the chat groups here, they are wonderful. What about the one on one helpline? You have come so far Lizbeth and you are doing so well.. hold on to your recovery, the addiction is just watching and waiting for a weak moment, dont give it that satisfaction.. you have too much life to be lived
P
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Thanks P for your support and advice. I haven’t gambled. I have done a lot of work on myself through counseling and those resources have helped me to be able to think things through before I leap back into the gambling nightmare. As soon as my Mom’s heart issue is resolved I’m going to have a heart to heart talk with my Sister concerning my Mom’s mental issues. We need to have her tested for Alzheimer’s. Maybe with both of us working together, We can come up with a plan. I had a paralegal draw up her power of attorney, will, last wishes, ect. last year. I am her executor and can make decisions for her if she is unable to. I know she is going to fight us about being tested. I hope that I don’t have to go through the courts to have her deem incompetent. She is so darn mean and nasty! I think she is reacting this way because she is scared as she knows something isn’t right with her mental state. She says some bizarre things. It just gets tiring dealing with it. Sometimes, I feel like I am losing my mind, that’s when I have to detach from her and have my own personal space. A person can only take so much. Honestly, I never see her happy. She is either moping around, being angry, or putting other’s down. Some of these traits are not new but part of her personality. I do think that I need counseling to help me deal more effectively.
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Thanks Kpat for your post. I did have a awesome Mother’s Day. We are in the city. My Mom’s stent (heart) procedure didn’t happen. It was worse than the doctor thought. She had open heart, double bypass surgery this morning. She did well! She will be in ICU for 2 days. She is on a respirator and heavily sedated so her heart can rest. If she responds to cardiac rehab we should be able to go home in 6 to 7 days. She will have to take it easy for 3 months, no lifting over 10 pounds, pulling, pushing. Her sternum needs to have time to heal. My daughter, sister and cousin have been supportive. I am staying the next 2 nights in a nearby hotel as the hospital is in a town far from my daughter’s home. When my Mom is back into a regular room, I can stay the nights with her. I am tired, drained. It’s been a stressful 2 days waiting for the surgery. Good news that it’s over with and that she is doing well. Going to get something to eat, take a hot bath and watch tv. Time to de-stress!
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Praying for your Mom and for you. Please make sure they set her up with home care when she discharges. They can make sure she has the medications set up correctly and if she has straight medicare meaning no HMO or advantage plan it will be covered under part A 100%. If she has an advantage plan, they can still come, but wont authorize as many visits usually. She can even get PT and OT and a bath aide through homecare so that you wont kill yourself in the short term. Thats what I do for a living, I am a Director for homecare and your Mom wont have to go to outpatient as quickly or maybe not at all. The co-pays for outpatient rehab can sometimes be costly depending on her insurance. Ask the discharge planner as early as possible to get it set up for her, so there isn’t a delay for authorizations.
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Thanks Kpat. There’s alot to think about. My Mom had to have a blood transfusion last night as she was bleeding a lot. The surgeon was calling the nurse every 30 minutes as he was concerned. Finally it stopped. She is off of the respirator. They got her up today and she sat in a recliner for 1 hour then back to bed. She is retaining water and is very bloated. She has been very incoherent today due to the pain meds. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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BYPASS is big surgery. I will keep praying for the very best outcome. I will give you just a little more advice….make sure you rest. She has hospital staff to help, you need to be sure to take full register of how fatigued you are. Don’t let yourself get rundown because the recovert period may last a while. You will need your strength. Try to eat well too. She will need you, no doubt after this surgery, she will need the help. You have your own history of health problems so make certain you are looking after you. Love to you!
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Thanks Kpat. I am tired! My Daughter and cousin are with my Mom today. I am with my Grandson at his home and I am spending the night here. The doctor has decided to keep her in ICU as she is having difficulty breathing from going to a resting position to sitting up. She is exhausted. She is on medication to help her urinate to release the fluids she is retaining. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Thanks Kpat for your prayers and advice.
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There is no change on my Mom’s condition. She is still in ICU. It is very worrisome. I have decided to make the 1 hour commute from my Daughter’s home to the hospital and back everyday, so I can sleep comfortably and rest. I stayed 2 nights in a hotel near the hospital and slept in a recliner at the hospital 2 nights. I slept well last night. I didn’t realize how tired I was.
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Still praying. It is tough surgery and your Mom’s age is surely slowling her recovery. If she still has the chesttubes they can make it very uncomfortable to sit up, however they have an important role in helping the breathing. The meds are intended to keep the blood pressure very low and make some people very tired. The b/p has to stay low to keep pressure off the grafts. It is hard to see loved ones so swollen too. That is another thing that shocks family. Puffy face and swelling is scary. I will keep praying that she makes progress each day and that you and your family have the endurance you need to stay strong during this time. XOXO
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Thinking of you.. i understand where you are coming from.. i am a carer for my beautiful Mum. Its very hard to see them in pain and in hospital it is so worrying but she is in good hands there and they will look after her. She has you there, you are not gambling, what a wonderful thing that is that you can be there for her.. had you not stopped gambling who knows.. you are doing well, you are always the person that seems to put everyone back together, look after you Lizbeth and im thinking good wishes for you and your mum across the seas
P
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Thanks Kpat, Vera, and P for your posts! It means so much to me. Today my Mom was moved out of the ICU. She is doing much better. She can now grasp and hold things as the swelling in her hands is almost gone. Now she needs to walk more and eat to get her strength up. She hasn’t taken any pain meds for 2 days and is talking more. I am staying at the hospital for 6 to 7 hours daily then coming to my Daughter’s home to have dinner with her and my Grandson and sleep. I slept the first 2 nights in a reclining chair and my back and neck ached. She is in good hands and I don’t worry about her when I am not there. My Sister is going to take a few days off of work to help me so I can have a little break. My cousin who is a nurse is going to stay with my Mom while my Daughter, Grandson, and I are on vacation in June. My oldest Daughter said she would come up on weekends to help. So I don’t feel like I am in this alone. I will be glad when we can go home. Maybe by the end of the week.
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So I go to the hospital this morning and they had moved my Mom to a room closer to the nurses station and she is on a safety monitor. She woke during the night and was wondering around, didn’t know where she was and thought the nurses were hurting her. She was very agitated with everything today. The anesthesiologist said she may be confused for several weeks as she was medically asleep for 36 hours. The cardiologist said she would be going home in 2 to 4 days. I don’t know, this is scary.
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I wondered if she might end up with a little disorientation. My grandmother experienced this after a big surgery. She may do it again when you get home. Every transition can cause it, the move from ICU or the move to a rehab center or even back home. Be on guard when she gets home. She might try to cook or go outside without help. It is common. Someone might consider sleeping with her or near her if possible. It sounds like she is physically doing a lot better and she will get back to her normal, but you were worrying over her behaviour before this too. Wondering about some possible dementia, so every change she may slip back a little until she can keep a routine. We asked for a sitter at the hospital for my grandmother, but they said they didn’t have anyone. My Mom stayed 5 out of 7 nights and I stayed 2. It kicked our butts sleeping in those recliners. I don’t recommend it!
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Thanks Kpat for your post. My cousin who is a nurse also says the confusion will get better as soon as she is home in her own surroundings. I slept in her room, in the dreaded recliner last night. She called me, with the help of a nurse and sounded fearful. She thought the nurses were trying to poison her and she refused to take any meds till I got there. She seems to be more confused and scared at night. I am resting at my daughter’s house and I will go back this evening and stay the night with her. Glad that we will be going home in the next few days as my back and neck ache. You can’t get comfortable in the recliner. I will have help for a few days after we get home (sister), and then I am on my own. I live 4 blocks from her, so I will be staying with her till she recoups. I will keep a eye on her mental state. If it doesn’t get better, I will take her to the doctor and take it from there. It’s going to be alright.
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My Sister is stepping up and came home with my Mom and I on Friday. She is staying for part of next week. My Daughter and Grandson are staying with me till tomorrow evening. I have been running errands, grocery shopping and picking up prescriptions. My Daughter went to my Mom’s this morning and helped my sister give my Mom a shower. I am taking advantage of the help as it will be me, alone, for over a week, till vacation when my cousin comes to stay with my Mom. She is doing much better, both physically and mentally. She needs to get her strength back which will take some time. Her appetite is getting better. She is sleeping well and taking cat naps during the day. It is good to be back home
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Thanks Kpat for your post. I just posted on Bettie’ s thread and it made me want to post some of my thoughts. I have wanted to gamble the last few days. I think the stress of my Mom’s surgery triggered my urges. Then the thought of taking care of her stressed me out. She is already running my Sister into the ground. She has been mean, very demanding and unappreciative. She spent 10 days in the hospital and the first 2 days after the surgery wasn’t doing very well. It could have went the other way but she survived. You would think that she would have a different outlook on life but it is the same story. I bought scratch tickets today and didn’t feel bad about it. I feel very stressed. I know, no excuse. I need to deal with these feelings.
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Hi lizbeth, sorry to read about your mum. It is a very difficult time for you . Wishing your mum a speedy recovety.
The last thing we need when we are under such stress is gambling. Please stay very aware.
Vera stepped out of a very bad accident last week and her first thoughts were thank god I wasn’t gambling.
Gambling makes every situation worse!Keep posting lizbeth. It’s times like this we need most support from our friends!!
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Thanks happy. I didn’t know about Vera. I hope everything is alright with her. My Grandson and I spent time together last night and I feel more grounded now. My Sister and oldest Daughter are being very supportive. They both have jobs, but they are helping as much as they can. I am grateful that my Mom survived. She could have died here as we don’t have the facilities at our hospital to have saved her. After her surgery she was hanging on for 2 days and it could have gone either way. My heart attack and death of my Husband were eye openers for me. I guess some people don’t get it. I will be more on guard with my gambling urges. Thanks for the support
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Hope your mom appreciates all you and your family are doing for her Lizbeth. It seems from what you write that she will never change. I still suspect there is some sort of dementia going on albeit that she was always an awkward personality. I was surprised that they didn’t carry out some scans while she was in hospital, but I suppose they were concentrating on her physical recovery. I think you need to be very firm with her and tell her you cannot look after her unless she curbs her tongue. I know you want the best for her but you need to consider your own needs too. If the thought of looking after her is so stressful that it is giving you urges to gamble you really need to put some home care plan in place with her medical /nursing team as kPat mentioned. Don’t wait until you are spun out Lizbeth. If your health is affected lots of things will come to a halt.
Thank you for your advice on my thread. I really have no experience with Insurance claims. Thankfully this is my first time to have to deal with a claim. I had an email from my Insurance firm today, saying the Other Party has accepted full liability for repair to my car (It seems it can be repaired. At first they said it could be written off) . I think from what you said I will have to engage a lawyer to look after the medical expenses. I need to see a physiotherapist ASAP according to my GP. The immediate problem is I don’t have any available funds upfront. My husband would pay but I hate having to ask him. He knows now that I’m broke as a result of gambling but pride prevents me from begging from him. I would prefer to suffer for ever than see him paying but if I could be sure of an Insurance refund I could go ahead and accept his help. I tend to convince myself that physical symptoms will go away if I ignore them. Hubby tends to sweep things under the carpet too, and tells me to life is not a bed of roses and to accept that people my age get aches and pains!!! Very consoling!!!! I feel like screaming at him. I am screaming at him but It’s only hurting my neck more and more! -
Thanks Vera for your post. We were offered home health care before we left the hospital as my Mom’s insurance covers it. I decided no but the nurse and social worker told me that I could go through her Doctor or Cardiologist and get a order to get help if I needed it later. My Sister is staying till Friday. She is staying with my Mom and is really helping her. My Sister is seeing first hand how our Mom’s mental health has diminished. I talked to one of the nurses at the hospital about this and she said that it would be good to go through her primary doctor for advice. My Sister is onboard as she knows that it is only going to get worse and that we are going to have to make some difficult decisions later on. It feels good to have someone to share this load with. My Mom continues to get stronger and is doing very well in her recovery. I am making her follow up appointment soon. She will have limitations in lifting, no driving, etc. for the next 2 months. Only 10 days till vacation. I am ready!
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Hi Lizbeth, I have been getting caught up on your thread. All that has been going on with your mom. That is a difficult surgery. My dad went through it twice. Once in his 50’s and then when he was 70. So much harder on him and a slower recovery when he was 70. I can really empathize with what you are going through. What you went through. I know it can really take a lot out of a person. You need recovery, too. Sometimes that isn’t possible for the caregiver. I am realizing now that this time after my mom’s death has been my recovery time. Try, try, try to take care of yourself. I believe you are still recovering from your husband’s death as well as dealing with your mother’s mental and physical health. I am glad you will get a vacation, but this is by no means all the care you will need. Seek support for you concerning your mother. I never did with my mom, and it is something I regret.
I am glad to get caught up on your new posts, Lizbeth, but I am sorry for all that you have recently gone through. I am going to try to be better about keeping in touch. Prayers and hugs. -
Thanks Ican for your post. It means a lot to me! Just popping in to say that I am okay. My Sister went home yesterday. She was a big help and we bonded some as we haven’t been together for awhile. My Mom is doing well. She is just taking it slow and getting a lot of rest. Tuesday we go to the cardiologist appointment. She will need to do cardiac rehab. I have no internet at her home so I stopped by to water my plants and decided to update. I can leave her for short periods of time, but not too long. Ican, I will take care of myself. Home health care is always a option. She seems to be doing alright mentally this last week. Thanks for all of the support. It really helps!!
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Liz, I have not been posting for a while. I don’t know the reason, but I have been reading and keeping up with a few people on GT. I can’t say enough about how I learn so much from you. I love your positive attitude no matter what life throws at you. I wish I was more like you in that respect. I am so glad that your mother’s surgery is over and she is on the mend. I know it is a lot of work for you and I am glad that your sister was there to help lighten your load a bit. You truly are an inspiration to me and many others on GT.
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Cat, I happened to be home doing a few things around my home before returning to my Mom’s and saw your post!! It is just what I needed today as I was feeling a little down. Guess I was having a pity party!!! I have learned a lot from you and others here also. I think that it awesome that we have a place to go (GT) for support and that we learn from each other. I feel blessed to know many of you here and for all of your support. Today is going to be a better day! I don’t have internet at my Mom’s house, bummer!!! I need to come home for a bit everyday to refocus and get away. Cat, thanks again for making my day!! You are a awesome person. The support that you gave me during my Husband’s illness and after his death is something that I will never forget. You helped me get through it!!! Take care.
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Thanks P for your post! I am trying to give myself some “me” time everyday. I come to my home for about 1-2 hours after Mom has had breakfast and her morning pills. Today while I was gone, she decided to clean up the dog poo in her side yard. Fortunately the next door neighbor stopped her. She said she was going to stop anyway as she couldn’t do it! I am taking her to her follow up cardiologist appointment tomorrow morning. She has been very thankful and grateful towards me. I have been giving her plenty of hugs as I know it must be hard not to be able to do much. She usually has a lot of energy and is always doing something around her home. My yard/handyman has resumed painting my backyard fence and it looks amazing. He should be done with the outside of the fence by this Thursday. The inside can wait till I come back from California. He is doing my yard tomorrow also. I have asked him to do my Mom’s yard next week. She usually does her own. I am looking forward to Friday as my cousin will be here to stay with Mom and my Daughter and Grandson will arrive for our trip. I am making sure to get plenty of sleep, eating healthy. A week away will do me some good!!
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Thanks Kpat!!!! Mom’s cardiologist appointment went very well. She will start cardiac rehab when I return from my vacation. I am going to try to go to my gym and work out while she is at rehab and then I can pick her up on the way home. I am at home doing a few things for my trip. Can’t wait!! It will be fun!!
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Glad to hear your mom is doing well and appreciates your efforts. She is one strong Lady Tell her she has a secret admirer! She is proud and independent, Lizbeth and it’s very difficult for her to have to ask for help from others. I would be like that. i get very irritable and snappy when I’m not well. Nobody can do anything right.
Enjoy your vacation. Knowing your mam will be looked after when you’re away, means you can relax. The thought of going on vacation would exhaust me right now I have started to take off my blinkers and look around at all the work I neglected in the last ten years. I’m relying on The Man Above to give me the strength to tackle this work Hubby is doing everything I just need to start helping him. Gambling has caused me to be ten years older than my birthday cards say I am.
By the way, when you refer to the “yard” what area are talking about? In Ireland the “yard” is the concrete area between the gate and the garden. The place we park our cars. Just interested to know what different expressions refer to
Nite Lizbeth I took a sleeping tab 30 mins ago. Im a but drunk now. -
Thanks Vera for your post! When I say my yard, I am referring to my lot or acreage my home sits on. So, I have a front, back and side yards. There is upkeep such as trimming of trees and bushes, watering, and keeping the lot clean of weeds, ect.. My Mom and I both live where there is a Home Owners Association. We can get fined if we do not maintain our yards. My Mom is very independent and I know it is hard for her to rely on others. I have heard that it is very common to get depressed when there is a long recuperation time, for her and myself. Today we sat outside on her patio and she had her coffee and I had my tea. She seemed a little better, mentally after that. I am at my house doing a few things for my trip. I have either a cold or allergy issues. I am taking some over the counter medicine and plan to nap when my Mom is during the day. I am looking forward to my trip but I am a little tired. Hopefully, I can get some rest the next few days. Vera, gambling is aging. I think that it attributed to some of my health issues as I wasn’t taking care of myself. Gambling has so many negative factors!!
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We made it to our first destination of our vacation (13 hour drive). I talked to my cousin and we are going to see my 92 year old Aunt tomorrow. My Daughter hasn’t seen her in 18 years and this will be the first time that my Grandson has met her. She lives in a nursing home since my Uncle died last year. She is the last of my Mom’s siblings. I am feeling much better today. I slept most of yesterday and my cold is almost gone. This vacation is going to be awesome.
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It’s time for our vacation to end. We spent the last 3 days hiking around Yosemite. I am so glad that we did! It was breathtaking. My Grandson and Daughter are still sleeping. I am sitting on the deck, relaxing before our long trip home. I feel so much gratitude for my life and everyone in it! I am so happy that gambling is no longer a part of it.
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Hi Lizbeth, Just been catching up a bit with your thread.
Something I heard at a meeting once:
A good day in recovery everything goes well and we don’t gamble. A brilliant day in recovery and everything goes to chit and we still don’t gamble!!
Well done on your brilliant days in recovery with your mothers ill health, a stressful time.
Glad you have been able to enjoy a few days break. keep posting.
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Thanks Charles for your post. I definitely needed this vacation. Everywhere we went was awesome and spending time with my Aunt was great. My Daughter is spending the night with my Mom which I appreciate. It gives me some more time with my Grandson before they leave tomorrow. My Mom isn’t progressing in her recovery. I hate to say it but it’s like she is giving up. I know that she has been through a lot and I think she is depressed which I was told is normal. She acts so negative and I feel like she is getting too dependant on me. She is capable at this point to take care of her basic needs but she doesn’t try. I will take it one day at a time. I plan to start back at the gym on Monday. I need to take care of myself. Oh, she was very mean to my cousin who stayed with her for the week I was gone. She had very few positive things to say about her. Real sad and discouraging. I’m getting mentally tired just talking about it. I’m going to take care of myself and distance myself so I can get through this.
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It’s not easy for you trying to deal with your mum if she refuses to co operate, Lizbeth. Maybe she would respond better to outside help. Was there a Care Plan drawn up when she left hospital? Time to go back to the drawing board from what you describe. I know you need to care for yourself too but when it’s your mother you can’t of course walk away.
Very stressful for all concerned. Good that you enjoyed your vacation. -
Thanks Vera for your post. I am calling her cardiologist as orders were to be put in for cardiac rehab. We haven’t heard anything yet. My Mom opened up to my Daughter and told her that she was depressed. My Daughter also stressed that it was hard on everyone involved. My Mom listen but didn’t reply. She did ask me to mail a card (thank you) to my cousin. I told my Mom that I would spend the nights with her but I was going back to the gym and hanging around my home during the day. I think she is getting around well and can do a lot for herself. I am down the street if she needs anything.
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Its great your mum is home and you are also starting to look after yourself again.. wow you need it.. you are the greatest care giver for others. I am astonished always at your energy and your drive.
How are you enjoying the gym? That takes effort and motivation. How are you feeling in recovery now.. you have done so wellP
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P, thanks for your post. I am making a point to establish time for myself. I love the gym. My Mom was more active yesterday. She watered her outside plants and did some things around the house. Encouraging! My recovery has been tested several times recently. I figured I have had urges from depression. It isn’t easy being a caregiver. I wouldn’t change anything as my Mom took care of her Mom. It’s what my family does! I am trying to keep upbeat!
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What is great is your recognize your depression and thats a start then you can do something about it.. can you talk to your doctor.. i understand depression ive had it forever and it really takes you down.. getting help early is a good thing.. thinking of you… you are a great person lizbeth and i always love seeing your posts
P
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Thanks P for your post! What a difference a day makes! My outlook today is much better! I am out of my funk. I took my Mom grocery shopping. She did pretty well. She had to sit on the bench and wait for me as she tired out. Next week is going to be busy as she has numerous doctor appointments and her little dog has a groomers and vet appointment. Tomorrow we are going to venture out to the dollar store. She is acting in a grateful way and that makes things easier for me mentally.
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I took my Mom to her cardiologist appointment this afternoon and she is doing well. He wants to see her in 3 months. She can resume all activities in moderation in 2 weeks. I am not spending the nights with her anymore as she is getting around fine. If she needs anything done that she is unable to do, I do them during the day. Honestly, I am tired both physically and mentally. It is good to sleep in my own bed and be in my house. Tomorrow I have a plumber coming to replace a outside spigot that is leaking. Always something! I feel a little disconnected right now! I really feel like something is missing from my life. I need to figure out what! This week is busy with appointments but next week I am going back to the gym. I really miss it. I have had a few urges to gamble but I think it is because of my coping skills. I want to escape instead of dealing with my feelings. Today I thought a lot about my Husband. I sure do miss him. Sometimes you don’t realize what you had till it’s gone. I was very fortunate to have him in my life and I know that he knew how important he was to me. Some days are just a little harder than others.
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You are doing extremely well under the circumstances, you have had so much stress to deal with and you have been through huge things. Yet your recovery is staying strong. You do have those urges sometimes but you are not acting on them.. when you are a carer you also have to be really sure you are also caring for you enough, it is hard sometimes being so responsible for others all the time..
I just think you do such a good job.. sounds like the gym is a great hobby for you, i love your motivation, it almost makes me want to put some joggers on and go exercise.. i idid say almost right.. as i am such a procrastinator at times and can be lazy. I love it that you go do these things among all the other things you do..
Now, the missing something.. i think you already have looked before but what about some sort of group in your area.. is there any GA.. probably too far.. or some sort of group of something that interests you..P
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Thanks P for your post! There are no GA groups here. I have made the decision that after summer is over, I will do some volunteer work. There is a web site that I can go on. I ran into the woman whom I was going to take a interest course with and we had a long conversation. We are going to meet for lunch soon. I am going to have my Grandson spend part of next month with me so I don’t want to make any plans with volunteer jobs yet. Today was a very difficult one with my Mother. I took her for a follow-up appointment with her primary doctor. Afterwards she was in her mood (which she is in 75 percent of the time). She is mean, rude, and knows everything. She thinks she is a strong person but I perceive the way she behaves as being weak. She doesn’t know how to communicate so she tries to bully others with her bad behavior. Really sad and I refuse to put up with it anymore. I went home shortly after she started her shenanigans. I am not buying into it anymore! She has no grace. Anyways, the plumber was here for 4 hours. Everything is done and it cost less than I expected. I want to say that I feel bad for not contributing more to others threads here but I feel so tired lately (mentally). I do care.
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Last night was filled with nightmares of my cousin who molested me when I was 10 years old. I haven’t seen him in 20 years and that was at my Uncle’s funeral. I said something to my Mom about this earlier this year as the nightmares had started again. She said she never knew about the molestation. My memories of the incident was that she knew as we were there as a family having dinner at my Aunt’s and Uncle’s house. When my Sister was here helping with my Mom, we had a conversation about the incident. She remembered and said that I was right, our Mom was there. My Sister spent a lot of time at my Aunt’s and Uncle’s home and they decided that my cousin would never be left alone with us. It felt good to be validated! I guess my Mom thinks that everything will go away if she acts like nothing never happened. It won’t and it didn’t! I was a shy child and this took me further into my cocoon. I have a lot of trust issues with people. I’ve had problems forming lasting relationships. My Husband was the only person with whom I trusted fully and he never judged me. I told my Uncle and Mom about the molestation as soon as I got away from my cousin. I did what I was supposed to do and the incident was swept away and I was ignored. This has really impacted my life. I can see how many negative things occurred in my life as I had low self esteem and didn’t have a good bond with my Mom. I guess I felt, in a way that I didn’t matter as no one ever asked me about my feelings. It’s sad especially as a child to not feel safe because your parent doesn’t care. That might explain why I was closer to my Grandmother than my Mom. Anyways, today I took my Mom to the store and like usual she was cranky and mean. Anything I said she had something negative to say. I took her home and told her that I was going home. I couldn’t take her verbal abuse anymore. She asked if I was coming back. I wanted to say hell no! But I said no. She became mad!!! Oh well, now I will stay home all weekend. There are many things I want to do. I truly believe that my insecurities has fueled my gambling addiction. No more blaming. I am a adult and this is my life. I need to be responsible for my happiness not anyone else’s. I can love my Mom but not like her or her mean ways.
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I spent the weekend alone. I reorganize some closets and cleaned. I was re-reading my last post. I am learning a lot about myself. I think that I am a very lonely person. A part of me is missing. I can’t wallow in the past. I need to move forward. I am in control of my life and what happens in it. I have had gambling urges as stress and conflict seem to bring the urges up. I haven’t gambled! I ordered lunch (chicken enchiladas) and I am going to read a new book.
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Sometimes it’s good to spend time alone Lizbeth. I guess we are all alone in this life. Being surrounded by lots of people doesn’t always fill the void. I think a lot of CG used the casino to surround ourselves with a crowd. Yet every CG was alone. A casino is a very lonely place to be. Almost as lonely as the awful journey home. I don’t know if I’m making sense. I like my own company but would not look forward to having nobody to call on me in my old age.
Your mom is lucky to have so many people in her life. Maybe she doesn’t know quite how lucky she is. Did she start her cardiac rehab yet?
That’s an awful memory about your cousin.Is there any way you can confront him with a third party present and get him to apologize for what he did to you? It would help to put the past behind you. Your mother probably denies it as a way of coping. Or maybe she genuinely does forget. Try not to dwell on it Lizbeth. Remember the good times! -
Thanks Vera for your post. I would never confront my Cousin as that would not bring peace to me. He is a alcoholic and lives 400 miles from me. I am reading some self help books and I will seek professional help in dealing with this issue if I can’t get a grip on it. My Mom does remember but it is easier for her not to feel anything or confirm my feeling on the issue. She isn’t going to do any cardiac rehab, her choice! I think she is bipolar as everything I have read about the condition fits her. I have decided that when she is in one of her manic moods that I will not be around her. She is very selfish. She will never get help or take medication for it. It is hard to say these things about her but it is reality. I don’t mind being alone but I am lonely at times. I know that I need to meet people and join into activities and I am ready to take the leap. I have my Daughters and Grandson so I am not alone, but I am not their responsibility. I hold my own fate in my hands! I will be alright! I am still dealing with my Husband’s death, It has only been a little over 2 years. I think I’ve done pretty well! I know that I have to deal with any gambling urges as gambling would destroy me! I am working on myself!
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Wow im so sorry those things happened to you in your childhood.. lizbeth i think you do an amazing job of all you do. Your family is so important to you and you are always there for them, always helping them.
I hope that you find some peace about this,maybe some counselling could help you.. despite how your mother is with you and all that you have gone through you are a very giving and generous person yourself with your time and helping everyone out.. you have come through this addiction really well.. not that we are cured ever we arent but you are getting through these situations without gambling.. keep going Lizbeth, find a good counsellor to talk to, keep posting, hang in there…P
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Thanks P for your post! Your posts seem to comfort me. I will get counselling. Thank you for the praise you give me. It is hard for me to give myself praise, maybe because of low self esteem. My Daughter and Grandson are coming up for the weekend. We are going to barbeque, take out the Polaris (off road vehicle) and go to a arts and crafts festival in a town about 20 miles north of here. My Grandson is going to spend 1 month with me. His Dad is having to work out of town because the construction company he works for has no jobs right now in the city. My Daughter is very busy at work right know and feels like my Grandson needs more attention. We will have a awesome time! I took my Mom and her dog to the vet today as it was time for his checkup and yearly shots. She did tell me thank you. I just have to accept her for who she is but try not to get caught up in her bad behavior, if that makes sense. I will be okay. I will work through my issues and maybe learn something along the way.
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I don’t often write on your thread, but I do follow it. Like P, I notice your energy and committment and am always so impressed. You do so much practical work, travel and also give emotional support within your family circle. You mentioned offering to do volunteer work in the community, too. Amazing, Lizbeth – you give so much and are so active. I have thought at times – ‘Lizbeth, do come over and clean/rearrange my house and garden (yard)!’
Do look after yourself too – I know you do, but do you ever push yourself too far? Just wondering. Maybe try to really relax in moments of solitude, if you can, giving your whole mind and body time to ‘just be’. I’m not sure if this is right for you; I need a lot of quiet time in my life, whilst you may be someone who needs a lot of activity in yours, so just do what’s right for you.
The loneliness is not surprising, given your bereavement and other tough things you have been through. But maybe stay open to coming across someone that you really bond with, as you venture into various things. There may be a special friend there for you, who gives to you in a nourishing way, whilst generally you give so much to others. But also see if you can enjoy solitude sometimes.
You are a wonderful family woman.
Best wishes,Monique
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Thanks Monique for your post! I do push myself too far. I haven’t found my balance yet. I am going to start meditating again in the mornings after I wake up. I need to find my spiritual self too! I lost it somewhere along my journey. I am opened to finding a friend or friends here. I was closed off till recently but I think I am ready now. I went to the grocery store this morning and helped a elderly woman locate the mayo. We talked a bit and she was behind me in line to check out. She told me that she was glad to meet me and that I was her little blessing today. How sweet! I think between my Husband’s death, my youngest Daughter’s drug addiction and my Mom’s health issue, I have become overwhelmed and have anxiety issues. It is hard for me to relax even when I go to bed at night. I feel like little pieces of me have died. I am going to concentrate more on myself and get in tune with my needs, both physically and spiritually. I’m trying!
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My Mom came over this morning to stay with my Grandson so I could get my nails done. She is feeling really good. She even said that she would sit with him if I wanted to go and do anything. That surprised me! We are going to the park this evening and swimming tomorrow. I love having him here with me!! Life is good.
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Hi Lizbeth. I don’t think I have posted on your forum before but I have read them. I just re-read a lot of your posts and I am almost in tears at the journey you have made. There’s not much I can say except to say that what I have read has moved me and I send you all my strength and love and pray through my higher power that you will continue to find teh strength to continue on your path. Thank you for sharing so much, it helps me to gain insight into other people. This is a part of myself I want to improve, to have more empathy and less self-centredness.
Have a wonderful time with your grandson. I bet he’s stoked about hanging with cool granny.
xxx
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Thanks Maverick for your post! Thank you also for sending your strength, love and prayers as there are days where I need all the help that I can get. Life isn’t easy and there are times where I have to pull all the strength from my higher power to continue forwards. My ex son in law has decided to come home for awhile as he has been working out of town. I am taking my Grandson to the half way mark (1 hour from here) tomorrow evening so he can spend time with his Dad. So I won’t have him here with me the rest of the summer but I am going to the city on the 28th for a cardiologist appointment and I am staying for a week. Today I had my yearly physical and everything went well. I have blood work to do next week. I am going back to the gym next week. I need to take care of myself and my health. Everything is good!
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I took my Grandson to his Dad last night. He gave me $500 for a loan repayment. I helped him get a car and he pays me back every month. To make a long story short, I went to the casino and blew the money. I feel so upset with myself! There are no excuses! Why?? Why can’t I get my stuff together? My Mom called and I told her that I was staying home today and would see her tomorrow morning when we go to the farmer’s market. I went to the grocery store but I have no motivation to do anything else. Stupid, dumb! I am so mad at myself!!!
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Thanks Vera for your post! I feel so much disappointment with myself. I will figure this out and work on my addiction. I have been sad all day and have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish my Husband was here. No matter what our problems were, he would listen and not judge. He would turn things around and have me laughing. I miss his humor. I just feel defeated right now.
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Dear Liz, forgive yourself, learn from your slip and move on. You are one amazing lady who has been through so much looking after everyone else and not looking after yourself. We are compulsive gamblers or have an addiction, whatever we call it, it’s the same. It could be any of us writing that we gambled and feeling the disappointment. Asking ourselves, how could we have done that etc. You know what you need to do, move on, learn from it and forgive yourself. No matter how much we believe we should be “perfect” we are human and we will make mistakes!!! Please forgive yourself and accept it happened and move forward. Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, Faith looks up!!! Look up and have Faith in yourself. Hubby would have forgiven you and had you laughing so how about you let your Guardian Angel guide you. The only thing that has changed is the last day gambled, but over the long stretch you have been in recovery I am sure you have not had many slips. Onwards and upwards my friend. Pretend it was me who had gambled and what would you say to me…. you would not tell me you were disappointed in me, I know that, so treat yourself kindly as you would someone else. You deserve to be treated with compassion and caring not beating yourself up. Put something in place so that if you have the cash again that you can’t use it. Cyber hugs (((Liz)))
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I am so happy to see your post cat! I do forgive myself for gambling. I haven’t had any problems with cash in the past. I was feeling down and I let the urges take over. I have been weepy today. I have thought of my Husband all day. You are right, he would tell me to let go and move on. Just really sucks as I thought we would grow old together. I am ashamed that I griped about the little things he did that irritated me. I wish he was here irritating me right now. We knew everything about each other. No secrets! I knew that I was loved unconditionally. I don’t think that I will find that kind of relationship again. So I need to realize that and accept it. I know the things that I need to do to make my life more fulfilling. I am just stuck mentally right now. Thanks again cat! Your words have really helped me see things differently. I will forgive myself but put more barriers in place so I don’t gamble again. My Husband is my Guardian Angel! That does bring me peace.
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(((Liz))) I sometimes feel that when my inner spiritual self is not being looked after, which is all the time with me that I get down in the dumps. I know that I feel better when I go to Church, but I have not been going for a while. There is a feeling of something missing and emptiness that I try to ignore. We all know within ourselves what we need but for some reason we don’t do it. I admire Vera so much who is always going to Church. I make excuses that I am too busy and I know that is not the case. I am saying this because it may be something that would help you as well to go to Church, but it is just a suggestion. I have had a tough few months as my hubby was in hospital for a week and he is still of work, but he is getting better. I am finding myself tired and drained emotionally. I want to run away from everything. I am retiring this year, but I am also questioning is that the right decision. It is as if life is in a turmoil for me right now, but is it my inner peace that is really in the turmoil and not life. I have not been posting for a long time as I have not had the positive energy to do it, but I had to reach out to your post as I know that you are always such a positive person and just needed a little comfort. Your Guardian Angel will look after you, as you said he has always been there for you not matter what. My Guardian Angel is my little Grandbaby who was stillborn at 7 months, and over 4lb. He would have been 3 this month if he had lived so now I know why I am in a turmoil right now it’s because the Anniversary of his birth and death is coming up. I will be sending up three baby blue balloons this year on the Anniversary day. This will be the third year I have done this, and every year I add another balloon for how old he would be. (((Liz))) it sounds as if you need some TLC right now as you are always looking after everyone else. Go to a spa or a quiet area and do some meditation, walk in the grass bare feet and allow your spirit the chance to rejuvenate…. I know that I go on a bit when I post, but I think it is telling me that I should be coming back to GT and allowing myself to let go of everything, rather than holding it all inside myself.
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Cat, thanks so much for your post. Everything you say makes sense to me. I did need some comfort and you provided that for me. I am not attending to my spiritual self. I do put myself last. I keep saying that I am going to church and don’t. What am I afraid of? I have lived in my home for 1 year and 8 months and have only made 1 friend . (Whom I don’t see often as she is married) I have to get over this roadblock in my head so I can move forward. I am picking my Grandson up tomorrow and he is spending 1 more week with me. Then he is going to church camp for 1 week with a friend. This will be his first time away by himself. My girls always loved church camp every summer. After my time in the city during August, I will be home to stay for awhile. I am going to get back on track with the gym and my diet as I need to lose 17 pounds. I need to concentrate on myself. Today was spent with my Mom. It’s hard to stay positive around someone so negative. Sometimes I just want to scream, “STOP”! It’s so draining being around her. The farmer’s market was awesome. I was able to tune out her negative comments! LOL! Of course she wanted to go to the casino. She never listens to what I am saying to her. She is getting very demanding and more self centered. I did not gamble! I felt like it as the urges were strong. I am home now and feeling content.
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My Grandson and I made it home. I am feeling down and discouraged today! It is because of many things. My Daughter and I had a little spat and she became very aggressive and mean with me. She apologized over and over again and said it was stress related. That sounds like a cop out to me. I have forgave her but it deeply hurt me. My ex son in law let my Grandson get severely sunburned at the lake this last weekend. No excuses! I come home and my Mom calls me with some negative b.s. She has no empathy for me but wants me to listen to her crap. I guess I am just feeling down from all of the negativity. I am going to fix a nice dinner for my Grandson and I and relax. I could dwell in all of this negativity and get myself real depressed but I’m not going to! I probably would have gambled today if I didn’t have my Grandson with me. I am feeling very weak and vulnerable right now. I need to pick myself up and move forward.
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Thanks female g for your post. I think that I was just feeling overwhelmed yesterday. I worked through all the negativity and came out on the other side. My Grandson is doing better. His chin has peeled a lot, many layers of skin. I called my doctor and she recommended a over the counter ointment. I am giving him Tylenol for the pain. He hasn’t complained much but it has to hurt. My Mom sat with him this morning while I had my hair cut and went to the store to pick up the remaining items he needs for camp. I have had no gambling thoughts today. Yeah!
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Liz, so good to see the old Liz again. The positive one. I know it drags you down when you have a lot of negativity around you. I find that my hubby gets down, which I understand with him being sick, but it does have a negative impact on me. I will keep working on being positive and getting back on track. One day at a time!!!
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My Grandson and I went to the movies last night (minions) It was cute! I don’t know why but I feel so unmotivated lately. I feel like I have to come clean. Maybe I have been trading one addiction for another. I have maxed out most of my credit cards. I have been compulsively shopping. Buying things that I don’t need for me and others So after paying my monthly expenses and credit cards, money is tight. I have a little in savings. Between buying my home, My Daughter’s home, paying off all existing debts at the time and purchasing a car, most of it is gone. (Life insurance) I feel ashamed. I can pull myself out of this if I don’t gamble. Then why do I want to gamble? I can’t get into the gambling nightmare again. I had to make payment arrangements for the taxes that I owed. I need to be strong. I can get back on top financially. I have to say no to myself and other’s. What messes we create for ourselves. I feel better getting this off of my chest. Thanks for listening.
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hey Liz, I.m sure most of us are in the same boat from time to time. That time to time may be more often for some more than others. I can suggest that you try giving up cards and debits and try living with cash only. It dosen’t always work but it will change how we spend. Money is tangible and when its gone its gone. cards just let u think there is money when all there really is, is more dept we have to pay off. I love to shop but instead of going to the name brands I now go to value village the charity stores and its so much fun leaving with a great find like toys for my grand children. They are so happy getting little treasures and I love the fact that it cost me a fraction of what it could have cost in regular stores. My daughter is on board too and we have a ball shopping with each other. One example is I bought a Mcstuffins specialty doll for 40 and ended up finding one out of the box in perfect condition for 2 dollars and gave it to my other grand dollar and she was thrilled to have it . Its a challange to not gamble every day and I think about it every day. I love it so much that if i could I would live in a casino. I wish there was a way to just print money and have it be available when ever I had the urge. No money tree in the back yard though. Toooo bad. Thank goodness I have no access to money for now. Chin up and enjoy life ok
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Thanks female g for your post! It’s time to retire the credit cards for awhile and watch my spending. I know how to live cheaply and there isn’t anything that I need. I have a roof over my head, food, etc… I will buckle down and get myself in a better place financially. Then I will be in a better place mentally. No gambling!!!!
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It is scary when we notice Savings dwindling, Lizbeth and once we “dip in”, whether it’s for gambling or other purposes, the money vanishes . Of course gambling is the fastest way to wipe ourselves out, but as you describe reckless spending can be costly too.
Would you consider having a few counselling sessions to talk this out? Maybe your security feels threatened? You seem to be a bit less confident in your posts lately. Not judging of course but you used to sound very upbeat.
The thought of the child getting sunburned up set me!! Years ago that happened to the child of someone I knew. Left her with a friend for a weekend and she got 2nd degree burns from being left unattended in the sun. I hope he is much better now. It is so painful. Natural yogurt gives instant relief if applied immediately. -
Thanks Vera for your post! No more careless spending for me. I do have a lovely home that is paid for and a nice car. I bought new furniture, TV’s, etc. I don’t regret helping my Daughter obtain a home. I think that I was shopping and buying things for myself and other’s instead of gambling and because it made me feel good at the time. I realize this now and I am on a mission to pay down the cards and build up my savings again. My credit score took a hit of 21 points because of my credit usage. It’s time to stop now before I get myself in big trouble. Vera, I live in a small, rural town now and counseling services are very limited here. My Grandson’ s sunburn is much better. It was a severe sunburn. Layers of skin peeled off! My Doctor recommended a over the counter antibiotic ointment. It took 5 days to for it to look normal. He was in a lot of pain and I gave him children’s Tylenol. In fact, he was ill for the first 3 days. I had him drink plenty of water so he wouldn’t get dehydrated. I was very upset about it. There is no excuse. I think it might leave a scar on his chin. I am just happy that he is better. Sunday he leaves for camp. He is excited. I am making sure that he takes plenty of sunblock with him and it was on his supply list from camp. I have been down lately. It is not just about my finances. It is more complexed. I know that I am stuck in a rut, socially. I feel the need to make some changes in my life. Sometimes it is a lot to think about.
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Hi everyone. I woke this morning feeling content and peaceful. My Grandson is still sleeping. We are going to pack today for camp. Tomorrow we will go to the meeting place so he can check in and get on the bus. Exciting but a little scary as this is his first time going to camp and out of our sight. My Daughter reminds me that she went to camp at that age and had a blast! It rained here a lot last night. My plants are loving it. I decided to get a loan and pay off my credit cards. I will have a lower interest rate and it will be paid off in 2 years. I am so grateful that I am not gambling. I can see my way out of this mess.
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glad you were able to find a way to pay off the cards. Even when you were so upset about your grandson. Things aren’t always in our control, and I have come to realize that they will be less and less in our control as our own chldren take on their own lives and will make mistakes that we wish they didn’t have to make. Its hard when they don’t want our advice but as i’ve witnessed with my own lately they will make mistakes dispite our input. It can’t be avoided it seems. Its time to move on and find ways in which to inrich our own lives through other ways.
Time to try things we never could when raising our own children. xoxoFG -
Liz I am so glad that you figured out what to do about your credit card to pay it off. I think it is retail therapy that we sometimes get into. I know at first when I was not going to the Casino I was going to the stores lots. I have been saving for retirement though so I have been really good about not spending money lately. It is interesting to me that money seems to have more value to me now than when I was gambling. I can’t believe I wasted so much money and time gambling, but that is behind me and I can’t change it. I just take it one day at a time. I don’t know how we will be financially when we retire, but we will have enough to live on. We will not have the same lifestyle as we did when we were both working, but it’s not things that make you happy. I am going to work on myself and inner peace when I retire. It’s one day at a time!!! Great to see you more positive again. Have a great gamble free day!!!!
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Thanks for the posts! Cat, I was worried when my Husband wanted me to take the early out, retirement from work 6 years ago. Then I let it go and did it. It was the best thing I could have done. (Thank you Husband for encouraging me) I don’t miss any of work related stress and I get to spend lots of time with my Grandson and in my yard and house. A little bit of heaven! Anyways, you will enjoy retirement. My Daughter and ex son in law were at the camp send off. We watched my Grandson get on the bus. He had already made a friend even before he boarded the bus. He will have a blast. I am starting back to the gym tomorrow. Better go to bed as I want to get up early.
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Im glad things are working out now about the credit card. I bet your grandson will enjoy camp, i can hear he is the little light of your life. Its so nice. Also glad you were able to end gambling again after your slip, im amazed you have gotten straight back into normal life. Im so happy you didnt get trapped out there again. Have a good week lizbeth
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Thanks P for your post. There is always a solution for everything like my credit card debt. Sometimes it’s not what we want but I think even the hardest of times happen for a reason. Hopefully I learn from my mistakes, usually I do. I worked out this morning and my thighs are screaming! LOL! I am happy also that I didn’t get back into the gambling nightmare. I am taking steps and learning to deal with my stress and outside negativity in a good way. I can’t control what others say or do, I can only control how I react. It’s good to be growing and learning new things about myself. I know that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
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Yesterday evening my youngest Daughter (drug addict) called and wanted me to send money so her and her boyfriend could come and visit me. I am going to be in the city next week for 13 days. I planned to rent a motel room so she and I could spend some time together. She lives with friends and I don’t go inside the house as I don’t want to be in that environment. I told her no money. I haven’t heard anything from her but who knows if they will show up here. I bought her a used car a couple of months ago so she could get to and from work. Well that job lasted 1 month. I have enabled her by giving her money. I can’t do it anymore. I have to have peace. My offer for rehab is always on the table for her. She has to make that choice for herself. She has been addicted for years. Very sad! I went to the gym this morning. My legs hurt! My Mom and I went to a thrift store afterwards. I bought a interesting wood and leather box for $2. We had a nice lunch together. I came home and took a nap. LOL! I am sitting here hoping that my Daughter doesn’t show up. I love her to pieces but I just can’t deal with being around them for very long. You never know if they are high or coming down. It’s so hard to see someone you love and care for self destruct.
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I just re-read my last post. I sounded very cold when I talked about my youngest Daughter and her addiction. It really is the opposite. I have learned to detach myself as it is very painful and can consume my life. Been there. I used to cry everyday and could barely function. I paid for motels, apartments, spent a lot of money. I thought that I was helping her but I was enabling her. Before she turned 18, I had her committed to a hospital rehab. She then attended a out patient program for 6 months. Within a few months of finishing the program she started using again. She has gone to support groups but hasn’t gotten real about treatment. Our family has no connection with her. I understand as who wants to be around the drama. I pray that one day she will accept treatment. I fear she may overdose or be hurt or killed. They didn’t show up at my place. I will see her next week.
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Yes Vera, my Daughter came to see me and didn’t want anything. It was a good visit. Thanks for keeping her in your prayers I will never give up hope. I had wished that they could of stayed longer. I was watering in the backyard and saw a deer walking in front of my house. Awesome. Going to the city in the morning to sign the papers for the refinance of my Daughter’s house. It will save a bundle.
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Today I am feeling a bit low and I have been reflecting on my situation. I refinanced the house. I have lowered the interest rates on my credit cards. I went over my finances and it reflects my carelessness over the last 12 months. I bought a lot of stuff that I didn’t need and charged items when I should have paid in cash. My personal demons about being a people person show in my finances also. I have charged many things for others. No one asked me to, I did it as a way to please them. I have 2 outstanding loans (relatives) that they are paying monthly payments to me. I stopped gambling but I am still using destructive behavior. I sat down and figured out a budget to pay off my debts and get this burden off of me. It was painful to do but most painful was that I am trying to buy others love and confirmation. In the end, I am the one who has to figure it out. I have no one to count on financially. I will get through this. It’s time to dig in and buckle down. It reminds me of when I gambled. I felt unworthy and down and I was punishing myself by being destructive. I am NOT going down that road again. I am getting myself out of this debt. When I get back from the city, mid August, I am going to volunteer somewhere, go back to church, and get a life for myself. I guess this is my wake up call that I don’t want to live this life anymore. It’s too stressful and non productive!
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Liz, when I read your post I could relate to so much of it. Once I stopped playing machines at the Casino I went on a retail therapy kick… It took me a little while to realize that I can’t do that, well I could, but I would be in debt… When I was gambling I had no respect or whatever we want to call it for money. I pushed money in the machines as if it had no value. I stopped doing that and had a while with retail therapy. I then started thinking that we were retiring and I have done a complete turn-a-round. I now focus on the savings and seeing it grow. I don’t just go out and think I can buy whatever I want. I am starting shop in different stores and look for sales. I have changed in regards to thinking of the value of money. I also am shopping around and looking at all the options for a new phone. I think knowing we will have a limited budget brings a reality to things, and I have to say a fear about how much it will cost us to live. Although we have no mortgage on our home or loans. I worry about it, but I have to think if I need extra money I can go out and get a part-time job without the stress of my current position.
In regards to the Church and volunteering do something for you Liz. I think that might help you find new friends and a life that is fulfilling to you. I think that is something that we all need. -
Lizbeth, I really admire you for getting to the root of your spending. Having money gives us power. Sometimes we abuse that power by using money to control people in our lives. I have done that in the past and have seen others do it too.
I think gambling has a lot to do with control. Ironically the final outcome is lack of control.
You show a lot of insight and self awareness. I think we all need to discipline ourselves more. These days we all have far too much. I remember my mother coming home from shopping when we were kids and telling me she walked past the ice cream counter in Woolworth’s 3 times saying “will I, wont I?” before finally deciding she could not justify spending 3pence on the cone she was longing for. That generation knew the meaning of discipline and self control.
I could take a leaf from her book.
Maybe you can put the repayments on the loans you gave, directly into a Savings account without handling cash Lizbeth. We all know where that cash could end up.
Well done on your soul search. Thanks for sharing! -
Thanks Cat and Vera for your responses! I know how to shop for sales but I have been buying whatever I wanted not even caring about the price. Ridiculous! In the end it didn’t get me happiness I am glad that I am realizing this spending cycle before I dig too deep of a hole and can’t get out. I’m going to have some of my pension funds direct deposited to my savings account. No more compulsive spending on myself or other’s. Once the 2 loans I provide for relatives are repaid, no more loans. I am solely responsible for myself, I have no one to turn to for financial help. I need to learn my lesson. Also, I started back to the gym last week. I didn’t go when my Mom was recouping and couldn’t go. While I am in the city, I will swim and take evening walks. I have been overeating and weight more than ever. It needs to stop as I don’t want it to affect my health and I would feel better about myself. I am going to visit with friends, my sister, and I will see my youngest Daughter when I am in the city. Of course I will have time with my Grandson. I’m going to be alright. It feels like I am starting over. A fresh start!
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Wow all the exercise sounds fun for you and its great to get healthy.. ive been walking a lot more than i used to. Its not strenuous in any way and its light but its movement. It makes me feel better too. Im glad you are working things out and i think its good that you have found awareness of what is going on
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Thanks P for your post! I had trouble sleeping last night. I haven’t really accomplished much today. I went to the post office and had my mail held till I get back from the city. I picked up lunch for my Mom and I and spent some time with her. I know she loves me but has a hard time showing it. She said that she was going to miss me while I was gone. Heading to the city tomorrow to my cardiologist (yearly) appointment then to my Daughter’s home. I will be there for 13 days, a long time. But, I will get my car serviced, visit with everyone and spend time with my Grandson. It is hot there but my Daughter has a pool which I will be using. Maybe I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I detest the traffic among other things when I go to the city. Funny as I spent most of my life there. Anyways, I had a few gambling urges today but overcame them. I thought of my finances and my debt and decided not to go there. Going to water my plants and pack. Have a great day everyone!
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I hope your cardiologist appointment goes well. Do they change medications or keep you on a regular one?
I’m so glad you defied those gambling urges, when I get them I know they will fade eventually if I just get through a little chunk of time then they go away. Well done on getting through. Love that you look after yourself with the gym, it takes effort. I just do a little walking. Hope your mum can see all you do for her, maybe she does and doesn’t want to admit it. She sounds kind of stubborn, you are very good to her.P
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Thanks P for your post. My cardiologist appointment went well. My EKG is normal as is all my blood tests. I don’t have to go back for another year. I take 4 medications a day, for the rest of my life. I am not too happy about that but they keep my heart going! Since I don’t belong to a gym in the city, I will take advantage of my Daughter’s pool. Going to pick my Grandson up from karate camp soon. Hope that everyone has a great gamble free day!
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Thanks P for your post! Yesterday was very emotional. My oldest Daughter was told that the small company that she works for may have to close down if they don’t get more business soon. Luckily the woman who she does freelance work for said she would hire her full time anytime. Change isn’t easy but is usually good She does have choices I picked my youngest Daughter for lunch and she didn’t look good. She is sill living in a friend’s garage with her boyfriend. It’s sad to see but she needs to decide to change her life. I’m going to dinner with my Sister tonight Hoping today is less stressful!
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My Daughter just left for work. She told me that I helped her feel better as I had her laughing this morning. Today is her last day at work. She has a interview on Monday with the company which she does freelance work for. She will be doing new things and she will be making more money. I think the change will be good for her. It’s just scary! I have her back and her boyfriend does too. Other things are going on concerning her ex (my Grandsons Dad) His depression and bipolar disorder are out of control. He won’t take his medication. He was calling her yesterday, making threats that he was going to take their son away from her. He is jealous that she has a boyfriend. He had a girlfriend but the relationship ended. Anyways, she was dealing with a lot and then he started his rant. On top of this, there was a plumbing issue at the house. Her boyfriend was able to fix it. I was glad that I was here for her. Hopefully today will be better! LOL! Not gambling does have it’s payoff. I was able to be present for my Daughter.
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Today was a better day. I took my Grandson shopping and purchased new clothing and shoes for school. Tomorrow we will go shopping for school supplies. I made tacos for dinner. We haven’t heard from my Daughter’s ex. I wish he would seek help for his mental disorder. He and my Daughter have a appointment on Tuesday with their family counselor. Hopefully they can sort out some of the issues that are bothering him and can come to some resolution involving their son and co parenting. Mental illness is hard to deal with when the person who has it refuses to seek help for medications that could help them. His mood swings and depression affects my Grandson but he doesn’t seem to get it. It’s sad to see as it is pushing my Grandson further from his Dad. I just want to reassure my Grandson that none of this is his fault. He told my Grandson that he was going to move and take him (to another town, very far from my Daughter’s home), and without my Daughter’s knowledge. When my Grandson told his Mommy, he basically had a anxiety attack and freaked out, crying and hyperventilating. She calmed him down and learned of the story and assured him that he wasn’t going anywhere. It was painful to watch. I was upset and angry that he put his son through such pain. My Daughter is a good Mom and my Grandson is very close with her. They are each other’s life’s. My Daughter’s boyfriend is a good person and involves my Grandson in everything. My Grandson adores him. You would think that his Dad would be happy that there is someone else in his life who cares about him. This behavior is putting a wedge between him and I. I don’t like how he is treating my Daughter and Grandson. Plus he gets very angry and lashes out. I have tolerated and forgave this behavior over and over for my Grandson’s sake. He has been seeing my Grandson less and less but wants him to live with him? He is trying to hurt my Daughter but all of this is hurting his son. Very sad!! Well today was nice and calm here. I am hoping tomorrow is the same!
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I must say that despite all of the stressful things that are going on here around me, I haven’t thought of gambling! I am present and able to be here for my Daughter and Grandson That’s the way it should be. I am grateful I am not gambling! I know that everything is going to be alright with my Daughter job wise and I am very hopeful that my Daughter and her ex will be able to talk and work through things for the sake of my Grandson. It’s going to be a good day!
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You really do have a wonderful ability to rise above situations, Lizbeth. When I read your posts, I always feel your husband is watching over you.
I think your grandson and daughters are very blessed to have you in their lives. I’m sure you will be able to explain to the boy that his dad didn’t mean what he said about taking him away. That man needs help. He sounds very hurt.
Gambling would destroy not only you, Liz, but also your family.
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Thanks Vera for your post. I feel like my Husband is always watching over me too! My Daughter got the job! She starts next Monday. Her boyfriend is taking her to San Diego for a few days so it will be my Grandson and I. Last night the water heater started leaking. She needs a new water heater and the home warranty will pay for it. They won’t pay for the new lines, hauling away, etc. Which comes to $300. Her boyfriend is paying for it. They will be installing it tomorrow. Hopefully the rest of my stay will be stress free! My Daughter and her ex are having their counseling appointment tomorrow evening concerning my Grandson. He doesn’t want help, he wants to lash out at my Daughter and in hurting his son he hurts her. Very sad and disturbing. No gambling thoughts. Very tired though. Going to bed early tonight.
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The new water heater was installed! Yeah!! My Grandson went to karate camp today. He wanted to be with his friends. I am going to go through his old clothing and make a donation bag for the things that don’t fit him and get some laundry done before I pick him up. The meeting between my Daughter and her ex was very strange. He thinks my Grandson is too sheltered and wants to toughen him up. My Grandson would be a latch key child with 2 hours before and after school spent alone if he lived with him. Now, He is dropped off at school and picked up from school by the karate academy he has attended for 3 years. He is always with family or family friends. Of course my Daughter told him that he wasn’t living with him. She wondered why he seldom sees him as he lives only 5 miles away. He is now moving 50 miles away. He had no answer. He said he would try harder but the whole month of August he is busy. The counselor said that taking my Grandson out of his environment would not be good for him and that his Dad needs to make a effort to see him and be in his life. I guess it got a little heated between them and my Daughter told him that they could go to court and have a judge decided what was best and he backed down. I don’t understand what he wants? He text my Daughter later after the meeting and told her that there was a birthday party that he wanted his son to go to this weekend but she would have to take him as he was busy. My Daughter didn’t respond! It has been very stressful here. My Grandson knows nothing about the meeting. My Daughter will have to continue on parenting alone. I hope he comes to his senses!
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Yesterday a miracle happened. My Grandson’s father picked him up from karate camp and he spent the night at his apartment. He brought him home this morning on his way to work. It meant so much to my Grandson. We’ve had a laid back day. Ordered pizza for lunch and have been watching TV. We are going to meet his teacher and drop off his school supplies this evening. I reminded his Dad. Hopefully he will be there too! Going out for gelato afterwards! Yummy! No gambling urges. Thankful, as gambling would mess everything up. I want my Grandson to have memories of he and I long after I am gone. I have the sweetest memories of my Grandmother, 22 years after she left this earth.
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Meeting the teacher night went well. My Grandson’s father came. He was a little standoffish towards me. I invited him to go for gelato with us and he went. He didn’t have much to say. I will do anything for my Grandson. He was happy that his Dad was there. I have learned during my recovery that you are never going to figure someone out or always going to agree them. I don’t want conflict and I don’t always have to voice my opinions. Sometimes it’s good to be silent.
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Just sitting here thinking. My Grandson is still sleeping. Although my Daughter is starting a new job on Monday, there are issues with the time she will be getting off of work. The after school karate camp closes at 6pm and her day finishes at 6pm. Her boyfriend will help pick up my Grandson but he is starting school soon to get his master’s degree. There will be days that he can’t pick him up. Her ex isn’t going to help as he is moving soon. I have looked into other after school programs and there are few that stay open that late or they are too costly. Reluctantly, I am going to have to live in the city part time so I can help. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind helping but it’s hard not to be home. My Daughter has to work and my Grandson can’t stay alone! Just feeling a little overwhelmed I guess. I’ll get over it.
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Would the other grandparents like to chip in, Lizbeth or another mother who has a boy in the same school who might like a playmate for her child for a few hours and they could go to your boys house some days that his mam is there? Just a suggestion. I often did that when my children were younger.
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I am sitting here thinking! My Grandson is sleeping. I am thinking about going home. Yes, I am ready. I want to go back to the gym, back to cooler weather. I do miss my Mom. But I miss being needed as I am here. I will miss my Grandson. We have had a lot of bonding time. Kids are so honest. He loves me unconditionally. I will miss him! Gambling thoughts have been entering my head as the time nears me going home. I know that I need to form a life for myself. I know that I am worth it. I just want to get through these urges and move forward. I need to look within and do the right thing.
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It’s amazing isn’t it when urges come, I always wonder how did I get through all those days before? This day is challenging you right now but it will change.
I had thoughts, I ordered take out and put on a chick flick when I had a free period of time. It was enjoyable and then I was glad I chose that. My living room resembles a crime scene of a food a holic this morning, I woke to wrappers and containers sprawled everywhere. That’s the only kind of party I have these days. Lol.
I hope you get through those urges, they will fade again, I know it’s tempting. It’s good you are going to gym. I find even just walking round the shops good too sometimes.
I know you are doing all for everyone. Be kind to youP
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Thanks P for your post! I woke this morning and the gambling urges are gone. My Grandson had a friend over for a sleep over I got them all set up with snacks, movies and games and I watched movies in my Daughter’s bedroom. We slept in. I am feeling better emotionally. My Daughter will be home sometime this evening. I am going to pack up my things. Tomorrow is a big day! My Grandson’s first day of school and my Daughter’s first day at her new job I was worried about finances as I may need to help my Daughter till she gets a full paycheck. I figured it all out in my head. It will be tight but I can manage 2 households for a month or 2. I could kick myself for being careless with my credit cards but I can’t go backwards only forwards. I have learned a lesson. Today I won’t gamble!
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I’ve been home since Monday. It is good to be home! My Mom is well and was nice the first day back. LOL! What can you do? I’m back at the gym, 7am, Mon thru Friday. Did some grocery shopping and going to do some yard work, pull weeds. Last night we had a big storm. No need to water plants for a few days. Going kayaking in 10 days with my Daughter, Grandson, her boyfriend and a small group of their friends. I’ve never tried this before. Excited! He has his own non profit outdoor adventure company. I’m going to be doing day hikes, etc as the weather here gets cooler. No gambling urges for me. I am going to be busy!
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Today I realized that I am making strides in other areas of my life. Things and situations that would stress me out and lead me to gambling I am handling differently. While I was at my Mom’s house my oldest Daughter text me concerning something negative that her ex did and it concerned her son. I replied to her and gave her my support. She just wanted to rant and get it off of her chest. I explained to my Mom what was going on. She said that my Daughter shouldn’t cower to him that she should have put him in his place, via a argument. I told her that arguing and screaming at one another is no way to deal with a disagreement, it isn’t healthy. That my Daughter was right in not escalating the situation and walking away. She would have just been feeding into his anger. I then realized that my Mom deals with issues in a combative way. She thinks that if she screams loud enough and argues that she wins and has control. She must think that I am very weak as I walk away from her a lot when she is mean and angry. I think that it is a sign of strength. It would be easier to get caught up in the anger. She doesn’t get it!!!! Also, my Daughter is a strong woman and I am proud of her for dealing with issues in a healthy manner. I am learning.
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Today was a very trying day. The gambling monster was trying it’s best to reel me in! Honestly, there were times that I almost gave in. But I didn’t! I had to dig deep inside myself to not give in. I started off the day finding out that $1000 was debited from my checking account by a company (bill) that I had cancelled auto pay with over a week ago. Customer service never could tell me why this happened and I was assured that my auto pay account was now cancelled. I can expect my money credited back in 7 to 10 business days. Aggravating!!!!! Then I had a nail appointment. I am very fond of the gal that does my nails. We talk about our families, etc. She is going though a nasty divorce and has 3 children. She needed to talk and release her emotions. I listen and was supportive. I just felt so stressed out on the way home. It took all my will power to not drive to the casino. I prayed about everything when I returned home. It helped immensely. I have my outfit picked out for church on Sunday. There is something spiritually missing from my life. I need to expand my horizons and seek out things and experiences to make my life more fulfilling.
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I didn’t gamble! I kept busy all weekend and squashed the gambling urges. Somehow, I managed to pull some lower back muscles. I am using a heating pad, muscle rub and Tylenol to ease the pain. I can hopefully get it back in shape for the weekend kayaking trip. I hope everyone had a great weekend. Have a awesome gamble free day!
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Thanks Charles for your post!! Oh, I forgot to say that I did make it to church on Sunday. I really liked the people and the sermon. I will be going back. My back is a lot better. I am going to leave for the city tomorrow and stay for a week. I had a busy day cleaning, ect.. I hadn’t done much as my back was bothering me. My Sister called yesterday and was real upset as our Mother had put her on a guilt trip as she is spending the weekend with her boyfriend and my Mom wanted her to come here. Her boyfriend lives in a town about 40 miles north of me. He is retired and a lot older than my Sister. I was a little upset with my Mother but didn’t say anything to her today. My Sister is 52 years old and has to work out in the heat daily. It is now 107-112 degrees in the city. I told my Sister that she didn’t have anything to feel guilty about. She was here for a week after our Mother’s surgery and she brought her Granddaughter and came for a day visit about 6 weeks ago. I told her to visit her boyfriend and get out of the heat!!! I spent the afternoon with my Mother as I will be gone for 1 week. I never heard one positive comment come from her mouth. She talked and judged everyone including my Sister. I know that she talks about me that way to my Sister also. I felt sorry for her as she is never happy. A sad way to live!!! I haven’t had any gambling thoughts but this afternoon with her could have sent me there. LOL!!!
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Thanks P for your post! I am in the city for a week. My Daughter’s friends can’t start picking my Grandson up from karate (after school) until week after next. So I am here helping out. I have decided not to go on the kayak trip this weekend. My back is still sore. I will swim everyday for exercise and to keep cool. I had lunch and did some shopping with my youngest Daughter. No gambling thoughts!! Enjoying life!
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My Grandson wasn’t feeling well (allergies) so he stayed home today. He’s feeling much better now! Nothing new here. I’m keeping busy doing things around here. Tomorrow I am going to do a little shopping for myself. I could use a new pair of jeans and I have a bigger selection here. There is a Chinese restaurant near here that I am going to try out for lunch. We have only one Chinese restaurant in my town and it is awful. I haven’t had any gambling urges. I am keeping busy. Thursday I will be going home.
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So nice to read you defeated those urges and did not act upon them. Yes, get yourSelf those jeans. Yum I love Chinese food too. It’s good to have little treats a long the way makes life enjoyable and is reward for not gambling. It lets us feel what life is like without addiction. It’s good your daughter has friends to help out too. Takes the load off just you. I started walking, you inspire me talking about gym!
Have a great weekP
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Thanks P for your post. I need to get myself back to the gym when I get home! I am still in the city. My Grandson, Daughter and her boyfriend are all sick with a cold. I took my Grandson to the Doctor today as his ear was hurting and my Daughter can’t miss work, new job. He has a ear infection. He is on a antibiotic. He had soup for lunch and is taking a nap now. I have a slight sore throat. I am staying till tomorrow, so I can stay home with him if needed. I did go shopping yesterday and bought a pair of jeans, blouse and 2 new pairs of shoes. The Chinese restaurant wasn’t good. I will try another one next time I am here. My Sister is coming for the weekend. I will be glad to get home, although I do miss my Grandson and Daughter’s when I leave. No gambling urges. I am grateful for that.
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I am going home this evening after my Daughter gets home from work. My Grandson stayed home again from school. He is feeling much better. He is resting on the couch. My sore throat hasn’t become worse. My Daughter and I are both taking air borne. This morning my Daughter gave me the most beautiful handwritten card. She expressed how much I mean to her and how thankful she was of everything that I do for her and my Grandson. It was awesome!!! I am thinking about the weekend. My Sister and Mom will go to the casino and of course invite me. I will be tested again. I can already feel some gambling urges stirring inside of me. I need to be strong and say no. Gambling will only destroy how far I have come in my journey and I don’t want to travel that road again!!! So, right now I am praying and pulling from my inner strength. I know the consequences and how I will loathe myself if I give in. I know that I am stronger than the urges.
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Its hard what you face when family are encouraging you to go to the casino.. can that be the day you go to the gym and workout while they are losing their money.. by the time you get home and ready they will probably be over their time there and you will be glad you didnt go.. hoping for the best outcome for you, at least you know its coming so you can be prepared.. i know how hard it is, i still get the stirrings sometimes.. stay strong, stick a movie on, hey, maybe you could even suggest that you all go somewhere different, like the movies and a meal or something.. if not, maybe stay home and stay safe.. thinking of you
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Thanks P for your post! I am not going to GAMBLE! I have made out a budget so I can get my credit cards paid off even faster and so I can start building up my savings!! I don’t want to detour from my plans! I have some major home improvements that I want to start next spring. I am making future plans and only I can make sure that they come true! I will stay home while they are at the casino. I am home for 2 weeks then to the city again for a couple of days to help with my Grandson. My oldest Daughter’s job (3 weeks) is going great! She has already received a healthy raise and promotion. Her boss is paying for her to get certified as a project manager. She is happy and so motivated. Anything that I can do to help her achieve her goals!! My youngest Daughter is not faring so well. She is stuck in her addiction and can move forward. It is so painful to watch. I just keep telling her how much I love her and that I am always here to support her in a positive way. (rehab) I see her every time I am in the city. We do lunch and I usually buy some groceries for her, never cash money. It is heart breaking but I always have HOPE that she will want help. Life sometimes sucks. I have to stay positive and live my life the right way and try to do the best for myself. I have control only of my life and the way that I react to other’s actions.
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Hey did you get that refund for the debit on your bank account? If not you only have 60 days to file a complaint at your bank and they will get the refund for you. Last year my daughter had an issue with an unauthorized payment and after 3 months they were still taking the payment. She waited too long and the bank only refunded her the last one.
Hope its all resolved.
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Dinner and game night at my Mom’s was fun. My Sister asked what was on the agenda for tomorrow. That means she doesn’t have money for the casino. I suggested breakfast and antique stores (browsing) My Mom was giving me her look the whole time. She probably wanted me to give her money so they could go to the casino. I will not!
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I got through the weekend without gambling. We had fun yesterday. We had breakfast out and went to some antique stores. I didn’t buy anything. I spent the night at my Mom’s. We had dinner and played games and watched a movie. It was a good weekend. Tomorrow I go back to the gym. I have made a list of small projects (outside) that I need to do this next month before it starts to get cold here. Keeping busy=no gambling!!!
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All is good! I haven’t gambled! I’ve been busy. I went to the gym all week. I bought a 5 shelf unit for my storage room. I put it together and organized everything. I plan on painting the inside of my fence tomorrow. I think it may be a 3-4 day job. My Mom was very difficult today after the gym. I didn’t bother going into her house afterwards and went home and was productive. I am learning to deal with her outbursts and rudeness. I know I can’t be around it. LOL! I hope everyone has a great weekend.
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Hi Lizbeth, It was good to catch up on your posts. I admire your energy and your projects sound fun and rewarding.
We need to repair our fence. I love the idea of painting, but the reality of it always sets in about an hour into the project. Doing it over a few days sounds like the right way to go about it!
I think you handle your Mother’s bad attitude wonderfully. You spend time with her regularly, but leave when she gets too grumpy. That’s a nice balance. Pat yourself on the back, you are a good person, a great daughter, a supportive Mother, and a rock star of a Grandmother.
Wish you lived closer, because I would love to have a coffe with you! You are just the kind of lady that all would love to call friend:) -
Thanks Kpat for your post. I am having sleeping issues again. I hate to start taking sleeping pills again. I’m having some hot tea, maybe that will relax me. I just heard the coyotes. Last night I heard elk. It’s getting cooler here, so I will see more deer and elk. I love this time of year. I will be getting my sweaters and boots out soon. Well, going to try to sleep again. Getting up early to paint.
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I didn’t get too far on painting the inside of the fence I kind of whimped out! LOL!!! I called the handyman (he painted the outside of the fence) and he is going to paint the rest of the fence. My cousin is here visiting. We spent a great day together. My Mom participated a little but went home early. Going to the gym the next 2 days then to the city for a couple days to help with my Grandson. I haven’t had any gambling urges lately.
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I am in the city. I had lunch with my youngest Daughter. I am at my oldest Daughter’s home. Going to pick up my Grandson from after school karate camp. This last weekend was fun visiting with my cousin. In fact we looked at a few homes for sale in my area. She is seriously thinking about moving here. It would be nice. I have decided to work on some of my flaws. I have a habit of turning inward and not being open and friendly with people. I don’t take the time and effort to go there. This morning on my way out of town, I had to stop by the tire shop because I had a nail in one of my front tires. I started a conversation with a elderly man and then with a woman who was waiting for new tires to be put on her car. She started talking about her son and his health issues. When she left she thanked me for listening and said that she felt better. I even struck up a small conversation with a woman at the grocery store. I’m going to keep working on it.
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I haven’t had any gambling urges. I am able to be present for my family and myself. My Grandson had 2 friends over for a sleep over last night. My Daughter spent the night with her best friend. It is nice to be here and be helpful and to enjoy my children and my Grandson. Going home Monday morning. Tomorrow my Daughter has a work function to attend, adults only. I think my Grandson and I will go to the arcade. I have a small list of things to do around my home before the end of the month to prepare for the winter and cooler weather. Hope everyone is having a good weekend!
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I came too close to gambling today! My Mom and I went to the gym and she put the keys to the lock in the locker. No big deal. I asked the woman in the office for a bolt cutter. We cut the lock off but the locker was jammed. We had to wait for the maintenance man to arrive as he had more tools. So I worked out till he arrived and was able to get it opened. While this was going on my Mom freaked out. She screamed and belittled me in front of everyone. She didn’t like the way I was looking at her. She told me that I make plenty of mistakes, etc. I asked her to stop but that only fueled her rage. I couldn’t get away from her. She made a fool of herself and made everyone feel uncomfortable. I dropped her off at her home. I came home and decided to go to the casino. I was getting ready when my oldest Daughter text me saying she loved me. Within 5 minutes my youngest Daughter text me the same thing. Coincidence? No, I believe that it was a sign for me to remember what is important in my life. It stopped me from gambling!!! I am at my wits end with my Mom. She makes me miserable. It isn’t fun doing anything with her. I can’t win. I bought fresh salmon and made a great dinner and took it to her yesterday. She is so unappreciative that I don’t want to do anything for her. No one wants to be around her. There is no talking to her about this as she never takes any responsibility for her actions. How can someone be so miserable? I can’t let her take me down.
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My Mom is 78 years old. She has been miserable and depressed all of her life. It is getting worse with age. She would never get help as she thinks she doesn’t have a problem. Everyone else has the problem. She called 10 minutes before I pick her up for the gym saying she wasn’t going and hung up on me while I was talking. Who does that? I guess living close to her, I see how she is. My Sister, Daughter and Cousins have told me for years how miserable and mean she was but I couldn’t see if or didn’t want to The sad thing is that my Mom can’t see her bad behavior or doesn’t care. At this point many family members don’t talk to her and she has no friends. My Sister talks to my Mom once a week and her Grandchildren never call her. She doesn’t get it. She is the one that is losing!
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PS. I am very grateful for my relationships with my Daughters I took a real look at myself when my Husband was dying. I consciously worked on my flaws that I felt were hurting my relationships with my Daughters. When I changed, they changed. Our relationships haven’t been better. We now have healthy, real relationships. But it does take work. I am blessed!
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Well done on not gambling Lizbeth.
A good day in recovery everythign goes well and we dont gamble.
A brilliant day in recovery and everythign goes to ****and we still don’t gamble!!
Sounds like you had a brilliant day when your mum was acting as she was.
That was a great PS as well. Recognising our flaws and then acting to improve what we can is what recovery is all about.
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Our moms are sisters Liz-my mom just turned 80 and acts just like yours. Maybe it’s that generation?
I accept that my mom will never approve of me. I recently found out that she has been selling anyone who will listen to her that I have always been her problem child and that I got pregnant to spite Her. What a joke! Study’s show troubled teens sometimes get pregnant in an effort to find unconditional love. Maybe I’ll tell her about that some day.
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Thanks Charles and Bettie for your posts! I spent the day painting the inside of the backyard fence. It started getting windy so I stopped. I cleaned all the windows, inside and out. I also cleaned my house. I am going to continue on the fence tomorrow. I called my Mom and told her that I wasn’t going to the gym tomorrow as I have my painting project. She hung up on me. A few days away from her will be good. Charles, I am continuously working on myself. I want to be the best I can be. Bettie, our Mothers should move in together. They can feed off of each other. I don’t care what my Mom thinks about me. The lack of boundaries on her part and the lack of any respect towards me is what bothers me! I just need to remove myself from those situations. I won’t get any cooperation from her. The ball is in my court!
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I didn’t get much painting done this morning. My body is tired from all I did yesterday. Tomorrow is another day! I was thinking of how much better my life is without gambling and the changes that I am making within myself. I know that my Mom is unable to have healthy relationships. I can accept that but not the meanness and rage. When I started getting healthy and worked on myself and my addiction my relationships with others changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. My ex son in law tried to pull something shady with my Daughter concerning my Grandson. I was in the city at the time and saw the texts. He did it out of jealousy because my Daughter has a new ma n in her life. In the process he hurt my Grandson. Now he and my Daughter and Grandson are going to counselling again at her insistent. In the process our relationship changed as did my relationship with his Mom, as she was involved. I will always love him and be nice to him but it will never be the same. He isn’t the person that I thought he was. It is sad! Today I am going to a HOA meeting. A chance to meet new people and one of the topics is the lake and gazebo area across the street from my home. It’s good to be informed. Maybe I can get a nap in before the meeting.
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I made contact with my Mom today. The nice Mom was present today. I have been praying a lot about the situation with my Mom. I will continue to pray and accept her but keep my boundaries in place. She is my only parent and I know that she will be gone one of these days. I don’t want to have any regrets.
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I made contact with my Mom today. The nice Mom was present today. I have been praying a lot about the situation with my Mom. I will continue to pray and accept her but keep my boundaries in place. She is my only parent and I know that she will be gone one of these days. I don’t want to have any regrets.
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thanks for that !!!
I feel bad that you have to work so hard at your relationship with your mom but glad you got the nicer side for a change.
It seems that you are working hard to be the best mom you can be for your daughters. They will be happy and so will you.The lessons in life can be hard for sure. The real great take away is in an odd way she has made you want to be the better mom to your girls Right ? -
Thanks FG for your post! I believe there is always a lesson to be learned from the good and the bad that happens to you. I do think that my troubled relationship with my Mother does make me try harder to be a good Mother to my Daughters. I keep working on my flaws. My Mom and I went to the gym early this morning. She has a follow up appointment with the cardiologist this afternoon. I will take her as I want to know what the doctor says. She seems to get things mixed up and only hears what she wants to hear. Also, she is driving less as I usually take her everywhere. I think this is a good thing. Nothing else going on here. We are expecting a heavy thunderstorm this evening!
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I’ve been keeping busy! I made it to the gym 5 mornings this week. (my Mom also) I plan to start walking every evening as the weather here is wonderful. I am wearing a compression stocking on my left leg per the cardiologist orders. I have a bad varicose vein. I can’t get it removed without wearing the stocking for 6 months (per insurance). I will go through the formalities as I need to get it taken care of. Maybe losing a few pounds and exercising will help! Just finished cleaning the living room and hallway carpets. Finishing the last of my list of things to do before winter comes. I am going to attend a different church this Sunday until I find one that feels right. I find that feeding my spirituality side does help me in my normal life and especially in dealing with my Mother. There is a new yoga class starting next month that I may explore. I am feeling better about myself and the person that I am becoming. Always something new to learn.
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Yesterday I wrote on P’ s thread about letting go of the guilt associated with gambling. This morning I faced the guilt associated with my past gambling and the effects on my Daughter’s. Although my oldest Daughter is doing great and has been drug free for some time, my youngest Daughter still suffers with addiction. I know that my gambling addiction did attribute to me not being present for her. I have apologized to both of them and I have tried to change and be there for them. I turn my feelings of guilt over to God. I tell my children and Grandson that I love them everyday. I am now present for them. I will keep praying for my Daughter. Gambling takes so much away from you and your family. Keep fighting this disease.
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I’ve been doing well in going to the gym Monday thru Friday. Today I took my Mom grocery shopping as I needed to go also. She tried to talk me into going to the casino as the gym that we go to is owned by the Indian tribe and on the same street. I refused and told her that she could go by herself. She told me that my Sister was coming to visit in a few weeks and would like to go to the casino. I told her that they could go without me. I don’t know why she doesn’t get it! My back and neck have been hurting, nothing major. It is from me painting the fence, ect. I mentioned it today to her and she snapped that I wasn’t the only one with pains. I feel so distant with her. There is no closeness. I go out of ny way to do things for her and she could care less about me or my feelings. I feel closer to my 95 year old neighbor. I do little things for her and visit with her. She is sweet and appreciative. It’s not going to change with my Mom so I might as well get used to it. It is hard! I was proud of myself for refusing the casino. I kept thinking about the credit card debt and the taxes are due on my home and a piece of land that I owe. I made a budget and intend to stick to it. I can be out of debt in 1 year. That’s my goal. I know I can do it!
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Hi Lizbeth, I am well impressed. My downfall is usually when my mum asks me to go to the casino. I used to buy her so much stuff before I joined her in this addiction..but like you I got little appreciation. I could spend hundreds on clothes for her and she would keep them all and hardly care that it meant I didn’t get anything new.
I guess we have to accept that they have a addiction too.Keep working hard at this. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to be debt free but you so deserve it for your resolve!!
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Thanks Brave for your post! I think that I need to work on my patience as my Mom can be very trying at times. I have to keep reminding myself that she will never be want I need and somehow I need to let it go!! I am paying bills today and feel like a dummy. Money is going to be tight as I want to stick to the budget. No more using the credit cards. I had just gotten myself out of debt a few years ago and now here I am again. I substituted one addiction for another. It’s going to be okay. I just have to keep on the path. Staying positive.
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PS I cut up all of my credit cards but 1 Visa (for emergencies). I feel good about it!!! I sat down and paid all the bills for the month (early). I paid a little extra on all the credit cards. Although there isn’t a lot left in my checking, I will get by. All I may need is some food and gas for my car. I have been living above my monthly means and charging anything that I didn’t have cash for. The card balances added up fast and with it my credit score has taken a dive!! It isn’t a hopeless situation. I can get through this and I have learned another valuable lesson. Always learning!!!
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I am feeling very overwhelmed today! I think it is from my lack of cash flow. Between home warranties and taxes due, I feel stretched to the limits. Then I look at my credit cards balances and I get stressed. I have come to another conclusion, I am going to sell my off road vehicle. I hardly use it and I am paying a lot for the insurance on it. I think it is a good choice. I could pay the cards down a little and put the rest into savings. I was up early this morning and straightened the house and I washed the car. I am planning on going to church tomorrow. I need to feed my spiritual self as I am feeling very low.
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I went to church this morning. It was good! Afterwards I picked up lunch for my Mom and myself. What a disaster. I was laughing about something and she told me that I was crazy. I told her to be nice or to not say anything to me. Awkward!!! Later, she told me that she was kidding with me, with a smirk on her face, she wasn’t. I guess when you’re feeling happy something is wrong with you. She is so miserable, she doesn’t know how to be happy. When I left she said leaving already? Really? I let her get to me and she knew it and enjoyed it. I was feeling down anyways. I’m just feeling lonely today. I could gamble but won’t.
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Gambling won’t solve our loneliness, Lizbeth . Why not surprise your mom by dropping back and inviting her to the cinema? That way you can be silent in each other’s company. Often when we go the extra mile the person we reach out to will feel humbled by our action. Action speaks louder than words!
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Thanks Vera. I haven’t gambled. I have my PJS on and am watching TV No gambling. I usually go to movies alone as my Mom doesn’t want to go. I think I am better off staying home alone. I will see her in the morning for gym time. She is getting too exhausting for me. I may need to lessen my time with her. It looks like that’s where I’m headed.
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What a difference a day makes! We went to the gym this morning My Mom was argumentative but I just blew it off. She tried everything to get me to argue with her once we got to her house. I didn’t buy into it and I didn’t stay long. I was proud of myself. She drains my energy and yesterday, I was feeling emotionally and physically down. It is raining here. A good day to curl up on the couch and read a book. Maybe take a nap. I think that my oldest Daughter’s boyfriend is going to buy my off road vehicle. If so, I am going to pay off the 2 credit cards with the highest balances and bank the rest. I will be able to double up on the payments on the other 4 cards and save a little from my monthly income. It is all coming together. I need to learn patience and not to stress so much.
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The gym was closed today for a tribal meeting. I spent the morning in my pajamas and watched TV. I finally took a shower and went into town to deposit a check (Daughter paying me back for furniture that I bought for her) I have decided that I need to stop loaning out money and buying things on credit for others because they can’t get credit. I am collecting payments from 3 people. It seems like I don’t save it as it comes to me in little increments. Live and learn. I am not a bank anymore. I need to put myself first and that includes my finances. Funny though, I thought of gambling today. My addicted mind playing games with me. Yesterday my Daughter asked if my Grandson could spend a weekend with me soon. That made me happy. My family grounds me and helps me with the urges. I didn’t contact my Mom today. It’s good to have some space between us.
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Love you Lizbeth!
Love that you are so positive, love that you are introspective and despite the difficulties with your Mom and debt, you work on improving what you can. It is so true that if we want a relatiinship to change, we can only change ourselves. Sometimes that means just changing how much we let it bother us. Sometimes the other person reacts positively to our change and the relationship strengthens. I just adore your posts. I dont get everyone’s posts, but yours shows up on my email, so despite my being quiet for so long, I have read every post ffrom you. Its like a daily dose of energy for me. I just wanted to say thanks:) -
Kpat, thanks for your post! How are you? Sometimes I feel like I’m rambling and I wonder if anyone gets me. I am glad that you do. I stayed home most of the day. I didn’t get anything accomplished. Maybe I just needed to vegg. My Daughter’s boyfriend hasn’t definitely bought my Polaris. He is trying to figure out his money. Either you can afford it or not! Here I go again being impatient. I text my Daughter saying that I would like a answer by this weekend so I can know if I need to proceed with putting a ad in the newspaper. Whatever is meant to be will happen. I am getting antsy because the money will help my debt situation a lot. Going to bed. Getting up early for the gym. Good night!
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My Daughter text me today that her boyfriend has decided not to buy my Polaris. They are going to save their money to do some home improvements. They are not living together yet and he just signed another years lease on his apartment. They are taking it slow. I placed a ad in our local paper (we only have 2 per week, not daily) for 2 weeks. I missed the cut off so my ad won’t start till next Tuesday. It’s all good. Keeping my fingers crossed. Nothing new. Went to the gym and spent a little time with my Mom. Home now. We are expecting more rain. I am watching the geese across the street in the gazebo area. They are facinating creatures.
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I have a cold! No gym today. I am resting as my Sister is coming for the weekend. We are going to yard sales tomorrow. I sold the Polaris to my Daughter’s boyfriend’s friend. They are coming up tomorrow afternoon to pick it up!! Yeah! It all worked out!!! I am happy that I will have more in my savings. I haven’t had any gambling urges. Staying busy! I am going to church on Sundays and I’ve been looking into volunteering. I just don’t want to be locked into a full time position. Life is good!
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That name is going around in my head since you mentioned it, Lizbeth
I even googled it!
What would you need it for in the town? Seems like a “country” vehicle.
Glad you got a buyer for it.
You sure don’t hang around!
No procrastinating for you.
Is your grandson coming next weekend?
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This is “How Lizbeth got her groove back”!
She’s got plans!
I hope you find fabulous things yard saling. I love to do that. I just can’t get my man up on the weekends early enough now that he works evenings. I can’t get out of the house before noon on Saturdays.
I once spent three weekends looking for ceramic pots for our deck. You know the bigger ones for plants. I refused to pay the big bucks at the garden centers. It finally panned out and I bought at least four from a yard sale that cost me less than the price of one, even at Wal-mart prices and they are gorgeous!
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Thanks Vera and Kpat for your posts. I do live in a rural area. I haven’t used it much so I decided to sell it. Most of the proceeds will go in my savings. I am going to pay off one credit card, the one with the highest balance. This will free up money for me to pay more on the cards every month. I have a few repairs to make on my house, replace a cracked window, have the 2 trees in my front yard trimmed and have the gutters cleaned and one fixed or replaced (bent) Vera, Thanksgiving is towards the last part of November here. I am going to the city in 2 weeks to spend the weekend with my Grandson and he will be spending the 2nd weekend in November at my home. Kpat, I hope I find some good things tomorrow at the yard sells. I have bought 2 old quilts (1920’s), a antique couch, and old shelves at estate and yard sales since I moved here, 2 years ago. I like having plans!
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Today was good. I had breakfast with my Mom and Sister. We went to a few yard sales. I found some old linens and embroidery pieces. I am going to make a curtain for my bathroom window. I also bought a Pyrex pie pan. The guys came and picked up the Polaris. It’s gone! I am going to hang out with my Sister tomorrow. Still have a cold but it’s not too bad.
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HI Lizbeth, like Vera I also googled the polaris . I am wondering if the wrong picture came up as I have never seen anything so cool in my life. I want one !!
I am delighted to read that your posts sound so upbeat. I am visiting Amercia next summer, and I can’t wait to go to a yard sale.its just a Shame I can’t take stuff home with me. You have such cool things across the water.
Life seems to be going really well for you. You have a great attitude towards your mum and you know when to take time out . Reading your posts is a tonic. Your strength fills me with hope for all of us on here. Hope that cold doesn’t linger..
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Thanks Sad for your post. The Polaris was cool but a expensive toy. The insurance was costly. The sell of it will help eliminate some debt and put a cushion in my savings. That feels good. I am happy that my posts sends hope. That’s awesome! My Sister is leaving this morning. We have had a great time together. We have come a long way. She and my Mom had a big argument the first day she was here. I wasn’t there. She told my Mom that she would leave if she didn’t stop. My Mom backed down. My Sister will stop talking to you for years if she gets mad. Not the most mature way but that’s how she copes. Anyways, the weekend was fun.
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My youngest Daughter and her friend showed up at my house this afternoon. Obviously both were high on drugs. The friend knows people here. I have asked my Daughter repeatedly not to just show up here. It was nothing but drama for several hours. I asked them to leave. I love my Daughter but not her lifestyle. I just can’t deal with the behavior. Now here I am sitting and worrying about her. This is tough.
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That was a terrible experience for you, Lizbeth. I know we all talk about Tough Love but putting it into action is very tough indeed.
Don’t try to deal with this alone. Can you involve your older daughter? I know when my son was going through a very aggressive phase , he would target me. He managed to isolate his father and his brother and would use the “divide and conquer” method to bully everybody. I was the only one who would challenge him.
Unity gives us strength.
You need support here Lizbeth.
It is extremely stressful .
Can you use outside support, if you don’t want to involve your immediate family?
My son never once apologized for his atrocious behaviour. Just expects everyone to be in great form , when he is and woe betide us when he acts out.
I don’t trust him. -
Thanks for your post Vera! My Mom and I are the only family members who talk to my Daughter. The other’s don’t want to be around the drama. I totally understand. I have seeked out help for myself and have been going to support groups for years. My Daughter refuses any help. She has to be ready and open to accept help for her addiction. It has been going on for years and it doesn’t get any easier. I see her on my terms when I go to the city. She has been told not to just show up at my house unannounced. It doesn’t get any easier with time. As I get older it is getting harder to deal with. I don’t give her money. I usually take her to lunch when I see her and I bring her fresh fruit that I buy on the way to the city. It is a strained relationship. She and her boyfriend have been living in a friend’s garage for over 1 year. Very sad. I have been waiting for her to hit her bottom but it hasn’t happened. She did make it back home. I know that her future is dim, incarceration or death. She can’t go on like this.
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Sometimes I think the hardest thing to do is love. Love requires a lot. Our children will worry us to no end because of the love we have for them. You can’t just stop the worry. Our love and history with these babies tries to tell us we could do something to help. So tough love might be the right help, but it doesn’t stop the worry. Tough love is probably the way to go, but what mother can do that and not cry their eyes out when they are alone?
Vera is right, keep seeking the support you need to keep yourself, your heart strong.
I think there are so many stories in the Bible about people coming to God or Jesus for help with their children because God knows when he made us mothers and fathers that we would need these examples to get through. There is no love like that, a father for his child, a mother for her child.
Do you think that is why He sent His son? So that we parents would recognize how much He loves us? I mean, I can’t think of anyone that I would sacrifice my child for. Can you?
Just rest in that awesome love. I pray for peace in your heart for your precious daughter. I can feel your worry and I pray for that peace that is unexplainable for you. -
Thanks Kpat for your post! I do not give up hope that my Daughter will seek help for her addiction. Even though it is a hard situation, I pray a lot about it and I am glad that my faith has helped me deal with what she is going through. I will keep going to support groups (here it was Alanon but now they have opened support groups through Narcotics anonymous). There is a big heroin epidemic here. Very sad! My Daughter never called or text me back. She is upset with me because I asked to leave my home. When I am in the city again in a week, I will have another talk with her and impress to her what her addiction is doing to me and how I am going to deal with it. I tell her everyday how much I love her and when I see her I hug her and don’t want to let go. But I have to protect myself too and sometimes I have to do things to accomplish that, things she doesn’t like. I woke this morning with a water leak coming from my front turn off for the water. It was running down the street gutter to the end of the street. (about 1/2 block) I called the city but they came out and said it is on my property. I had some work done in that same area in June by a local plumber and I wonder if one of the pipes he replaced is leaking. The owner of the company is coming out tomorrow morning. I turned off the water. Always something. I will have to spend the night with my Mom so I can shower in the morning, ect. My Sister and Mom had a arguement the first day she was here. She told me about it. I didn’t say anything to my Mom about it. My Mom was bad mouthing my Sister today, real insignificant stuff. I stopped her. I told her that I didn’t want to hear it. She did stop! I don’t want her to alienate my Sister as we do have fun when she comes up and she and I are rebuilding our relationship. Sorry for the long post. I just had a lot to say. Have a great gamble free day everyone.
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Recovery definitely is a work in progress. I think it’s harder to set new bounderies in old relationships. People have a hard time respecting the new lines we draw to protect ourselves. But I do think it is essential to our recovery to do this. They will adjust for the most part. And if not we then have a choice as to how much time we spend with that person. Much harder to do when our deepest emotions are entwined in the decision. Good to see you here posting and working things out. Something I probably should have kept up!! Have a great day.
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My main water line is leaking which runs under my (long) driveway. So to avoid tearing up the driveway they are going to divert the line. $2000-3000. It depends if they have to hand dig the length of my home or can use a bobcat. The utility company will be out tomorrow to paint lines of where the existing utility lines are. I am bummed but grateful that I have the money.
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Lizbeth, it’s always good to have money put by . We never know when we are going to need repairs.
I hope things are better with your daughter. I can imagine how much it must pain you to have to be strong with her.
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Thanks Sad for your post. I had a terrible nightmare last night and called my Daughter via her boyfriend as her phone is broken. I just had to hear her voice. She was alright. I’ve been thinking and I’m going to the city one day earlier and get a hotel room for a night. That way I can spend time with my youngest Daughter. Just she and I. All the utility lines were painted on my front and side yards. It looks like they will have to hand dig and won’t be able to use a bobcat to dig. So it will cost $3000. Hopefully it won’t be raining Monday and Tuesday. It rained hard today and we are expecting rain all weekend. At least the ground will be soft.
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Well, staying with my Mom didn’t last long. She went off on me this morning and then tried to say that she was kidding. I wasn’t going over there until the evenings and leaving in the mornings so I wasn’t there long. I was bringing us both dinner so I wouldn’t inconvenience her. I asked her why she gets mad at everyone. That she did that to my Sister while she was here. She said that never happened and everything was my fault. I went to the store and bought gallons of water. If it gets to be too much, I will go to a hotel. While I was trying to get to the end of my thread, I landed on my post of 3-12-13, the day my Husband died. It made me real sad. I guess I am having a pity party for myself.
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Thanks Vera for your post. I did want to gamble but didn’t! I am going to try to stay home and not a hotel. I can buy more water if needed so I can flush the toilets and I can heat up water to clean the dishes and wash up. It’s only for a few days. I feel comfortable here. As for my Mom, I read a few articles on the internet concerning toxic relationships. I may have to put more limits on the time I spend with her. I think my Sister is now mad that I mentioned the argument between she and our Mom. I text her about what had happened as she calls my Mom every Sunday. She never responded back to me. It is what it is! I do believe that my Husband is watching over me. Life is what you make it. I have let my family dysfunctions stunt my abilities to live a happy and full life. I have let others cause me to have insecurities and in turn my self esteem has suffered. It is time to work on this so I can move forward. I deserve to be happy.
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So I did get a nasty text from my Sister as she thinks that I have put her in the middle of my Mom’s and my disagreement. She is feeling this way after talking to my Mom this morning. I apologized again and told her that it wasn’t my intent. I have no clue as to what my Mom said to her. I am sure it wasn’t what I had really said. She said Mom’s feelings were hurt. I told her that I was tired and hurt from her verbal abuse. She replied that she understood. Honestly I feel like a little piece of my soul was ripped out. I also feel ganged up on. I have decided that my Mom and I need a break from each other. There is no respect for each other and if we don’t take a break mean, nasty words are going to be spoken. I am leaving for the city on Friday morning. I am going to keep my distance from her this week. If she happens to contact me, I will be cordial on the phone but I don’t want to see her. It is rainy here. I am hoping that the plumbers can dig the trench and lay the new pipes before I leave. I could have done a lot of damage today gambling. Instead, I stayed home and did some cleaning. I bought more water. I heated it up and washed my hair and washed up. It is strange not having running water. It’s the little things that I take for granted.
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Family can be brutal. No one can stir us up quite like the ones we love the most. Take that time away. We live and die by the tongue. That was part of the Sunday school lesson this morning. That’s Biblical. You are so smart to give some time to yourself to cool down. Your Mom is difficult, but you wouldn’t be happy with yourself if you really went all out on her. It would make you feel guilty if you told her off. Better to wait until you feel more in control.
You got this, Lizbeth, camping in your own house! That’s an adventure, uggh! -
Thanks Kpat for your support and advice. I really need it now. I am feeling very sad! I am at the point that something needs to change with my Mom. I may need to take drastic measures. I can’t do this anymore. Especially when it is effecting my health. I am hoping that I will have the water line fixed by Tuesday, if it doesn’t rain. I have decided to take my Grandson to the State Fair when I am in the city this weekend. It has been awhile since I have been and he is excited about going. Tomorrow, I will clean the house and keep busy here. Sometimes I wonder if I should sell my home and move back to the city? There would be distance between my Mom and I. Just a thought.
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My advice, Lizbeth would be to postpone making long term decisions while you are feeling upset.
I had a somewhat similar situation with my sister recently. For some reason she ignored me for weeks on end and had me “blacklisted” in the family. When she cooled off she began texting and calling, accusing me of ignoring her! She sounds just like your mom. A control freak who scapegoats people then steps back , taking the role of the innocent victim , leaving those who have been hurt , floundering. You just can’t win with people like that, Lizbeth. We are the ones who end up being upset and the issue runs off them like water off a ducks back.
Don’t dream of selling your home. It would play right into your mother’s hands.
Take a break, but not in a casino.
I know exactly how you feel.
Personally, I would be in a hotel while that major work is going on. It must be very stressful. -
Vera thanks so much for your post! Miracles happen! My Mom called and apologized. We talked and decided that we are spending too much time together. I know that she will never change and that I will continue to have to set boundaries. I told her that we have lost all respect for each other. She said nothing. Vera, sometimes family members suck. I was upset with my Sister but have decided to let it go. I won’t be as free with my thoughts and words with her. I now feel like I need to protect myself. My Mom is a control freak. I know that I will never win with her. I am just feeling overwhelmed right now. No digging of the trench today. They are starting tomorrow. I am taking a shower at my Mom’s. I turned on the water so I could flush the toilets. Thought about going to the hotel.
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They have dug the trench and are now jackhammering a section of my driveway. I bet the elderly people on my block like the noise. (99 percent of the owners are 75 years+) I do believe that bad and or trying things happen for a reason. My home was changed to all electric from propane sometime before I bought it. Most owners have electric and propane. While digging the trench the guys noticed that the gas lines were not capped off. The gas company came out and cut off the pipes and capped them off. They are coming back when the job is done to fill the trench where their pipes are with fill dirt that they specifically use. I could of had a potential explosion. I am so thankful! It has been raining lightly here (off and on) The guys say they will keep working. Maybe sometime tomorrow I will have running water.
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My Daughter text me today telling me that my Grandson received all A’s on his report card. She always tells me that am his third parent and that he learned his kindness and a lot of his learning abilities from my Husband and I. I remember when my Husband and I parented my Grandson till he was 3 1/2. When my ex son in law and Daughter were in recovery we would take him to spend time with them. He would cry when we left him. It was hard and my Husband and I would cry all the way home. Eventually, it became easier for all of us. Even though it was tough, I knew it was the right thing to do. Through the years we were there to pick up the pieces when they slipped in their recovery. Now they are both in a good place and are living healthy lifes. They are fantastic parents. I am so lucky, I have never loved someone as much as my precious Grandson. I have loved him as a son and as my only Grandchild. I guess the reason why I have posted this is because there is always hope for any addiction. I’ve seen the terrible, ugly side of it and the beautiful side of it. Just posting this has made me cry happy tears of gratitude.
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Vera, the water line was fixed this afternoon. You take things for granted until you don’t have them. It cost $2400. I was thankful that I had the money. The pipes they use now are good for 200 years!!! I am sure the pipes that leaked were the original pipes. My place is 27 years old and there are other things that I need to update. I got through the ordeal. I am packing, ect tomorrow as I am going to the city on Friday for the weekend. I need some time away. And I want to see my Daughters and Grandson. My Mom is retreating back to her old ways. We talked about how to improve our relationship but she hasn’t changed or even tried. I saw her this morning and she started. She had to be right about everything. It is so tiring. I feel like texting my Sister and telling her she can deal with my Mom from now on. That wouldn’t last for long. I know I sound mean but jeez she doesn’t understand. I am trying to let go of the bad feelings when I had to apologize to her 3 times before she accepted it. I was wrong, but really. She has never apologised to me for anything. I feel like we are back to square one again. Maybe it’s me. I don’t feel as tolerant as I used to be. Maybe I am just tired!
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….miss the water ’til the well runs dry!
Great you had the money to pay for the repairs Lizbeth!
You deserve a medal for BRAVERY for all you’ve been through!
Do you think you might be entitled to a grant from the council for those repairs….or, better still, claim on your house insurance?
Just a thought, Lizbeth.
Keep those receipts.
As for your dear mom, methinks its a case of “old pipes don’t repair ; they need to be replaced” but that doesn’t happen with humans once we reach a certain age. Just meet up with her for short visits would be my suggestion. Leave your sister find out the details for herself. -
Vera thanks for your post. My home owners insurance won’t cover the outside main water lines. I checked in the beginning. I am seeing my youngest Daughter tomorrow and then I am heading home. My Daughter went to a early Halloween party last night and my Grandson had 2 boys over for a sleep over. Today I took my Grandson and his friend to a amusement park. We had fun!! I am tired. In November my Grandson will be at my house for a weekend and I will be coming down the following week for 4 days as my Daughter is going to Seattle to see a friend. I have enjoyed my time with him. As far as my Mom is concerned, I am not going to spend as much time with her. My Sister is in her own world. I am going to leave her alone.
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I spent a good day with my youngest Daughter. We went shopping and had lunch. I stayed within my budget!!! I stopped by my Mom’s house when I got into town to check on her. I wanted her to know that I was staying home tomorrow to recuperate from my busy weekend. While we were talking my Sister called. My Mom talked to her like a long lost relative. A far cry from 4 days ago when she mad at her. It just seemed real fake to me. I excused myself and went home. I was ready to be home. I made myself a good dinner. I have decided that I will tell my Mom not to tell me anything concerning my Sister and her conversations. If she wanted me to know she would tell me herself. I felt such peace with my Daughter’s and Grandson. Not that they live perfect lives but they don’t cause drama. So I will have to limit people and things that cause the drama. The stress with my Mom and Sister have caused me stomach issues. I am surprised that I haven’t gone on a gambling binge. I am trying to meditate every morning. I don’t feel like my body and spirit are in sync. I need to work on it.
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When we forgive ourselves others will forgive us too. Your doing a wonderful thing. You are teaching your daughters that we all can come back to our true selves,we just have to what that bad enough. Living through example and showing unconditional love is your gift to them. You are winning this fight>!!!FG
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Thank you FG for your post! In your post you mentioned unconditional love. That is what I feel for my Daughters and Grandson. I wasn’t shown unconditional love from my parents. Everything came with a condition. To this day if my Mom is upset with me she won’t say she loves me. My Sister hated our childhood. Instead of us being close, we are not. She puts on a tough exterior but inside she is a very hurt child. She is mean, controlling and acts very detached. I’ve tried to understand but I can’t be one of her targets. I will continue to try to be the best person I can be. I will love my children and Grandson the way they deserve to be loved. I make mistakes like everyone does. I try to learn from my mistakes so I don’t repeat them. That’s all I can do.
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My Cousin is here visting and is staying with my Mom. My Mom is in rare form. She is upset that I won’t follow her commands and has hung up on me. I text my cousin telling her that I would pick them up at 4:30 for dinner. It will be dinner than home for me. I am tired of her acting out like a toddler and having her tantrum fits. It is really embarassing and it makes me want to walk away.
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My Cousin went home this morning. I had a great time with her and it was gamble free! We looked at homes while she was here. I think she will buy here in the spring. I am getting my nails done in the morning at 8am then I am going on a day trip to another town, 1 hour from here. There are some Indian ruins that I want to explore. I plan on having lunch and going to 2 antique stores. It will be fun!
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I had a great day! I went on my day trip (solo) The ruins were awesome. I went to several antique stores and treated myself to a antique perfume bottle. I have collected them for years. I found a small restaurant and had lunch. I was home by 5 pm. I don’t like driving the forest, mountain roads at night. On my way I saw a large elk. He crossed the road about 200 feet in front of my car. I was feeling a little awkward at first being alone but I noticed a few people by themselves. I need to feel comfortable with myself. I can’t wait for someone to be there with me. Everyone has a job and life. If I want to go somewhere, I am. I think my self esteem is better than when I was gambling. Tomorrow morning I am going to pick my Mom up for the gym. We are only going together 3 times a week. I can’t be around the negativity and doom and gloom everyday. I guess my Sister is going to hold a grudge against me. No big surprise. I sent her Granddaughter, my Great Niece 2 outfits. She never acknowledged that she received them. Typical, bad behavior on her part. What can you do? My family is pretty messed up. My youngest Daughter is causing some drama with me via text messages. I am not going to give her any money. She needs to figure out her life. No more enabling her. It’s hard as a parent but she needs to get help for her drug use. I pray all the time that she will find her way. I think the worry has caused me to not be able to sleep. I took a sleeping pill and am waiting for it to kick in. Sometimes I feel that it would be easy to revert back to my old ways and gamble. But I realize that it won’t solve anything. I have to stay strong.
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You are so right, gambling for sure feels like a quick stress reliever, but we know she’s a lier….good for you for treating yourself good in other ways and recognizing the path you want to stay away from! Your mom and sister sound like mine. So full of drama all the time. I’ll pray for your daughter. That she will find some strength to want to get help too. Stay strong!
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Thank you Mich for your post! I am in the city (not planned) as my Daughter called me yesterday for help! My Grandson has a a bad cough and congestion. She took him to the Doctor and he was given a prescription cough syrup. She missed some work and is fearful of losing her job as her boss is a tyrant. He stayed home today and is feeling a little better. We used a vaporizer all night and that helped. I am going to stay through the weekend. I am worried about my oldest Daughter as she thought this job was a dream job but it has turned into a nightmare. Many people have been fired or demoted as the CEO is out of control. She is a controlling, mean, unrespectful person. She screams and demeans her employees in front of everyone else. My Daughter is hanging on for as long as she can. I feel bad as the stress is causing her stomach issues and she now has a small bald spot in the back of her head. I pray that she will find another job soon but it is hard as she doesn’t have time for interviews till she leaves this present job. I am praying for her. She has her boyfriend and I to lean on. We are there for her. She has decided that money isn’t everything from this experience. She wants to be a advocate for women. Somehow her career path took a detour. Hopefully soon she can resume her dream once this job ends.
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My Grandson went to school today. He is feeling better. I am going home on Sunday. I did some cleaning and laundry this morning. I don’t know how my Daughter is keeping up on the household stuff as she has to put so many hours in at work. Tonight is game night which my Grandson loves. I thought of buying scratch tickets today while I was doing some grocery shopping. I didn’t. Don’t know why the feelings came over me.
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I prayed for you at Mass tonight Lizbeth and for your two daughters, grandson, mom and sister.
Life is not easy. That boss sounds like the boss I worked under before I retired. Screaming and yelling at staff like a nut case. I called her aside a few times and eyeballed her , saying in a whisper “I’m not deaf!”. Five staff have left since I left. One who stayed on sent me a text tonight saying “please pray for us, things are gone from bad to worse here”! The reason “bosses” behave like that is because they are stressed due to their own incompetence. What used to madden me was the staff covered up for her for “peace sake”!!! Yea right! Peace at a high price!
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VERA, Thanks for your prayers. My Daughter will figure out her work situation. She will know when it becomes too much. I’ve had a good day. We did a little shopping and had lunch. Just being with my Daughter and Grandson lifts my spirits. I saw my youngest Daughter yesterday for lunch. I pray for her all of the time. But she needs to figure out her life. We all have control of the way our life goes. Sometimes it is hard!!!!!
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Hi Lizbeth, Thank you for your support and your post on my thread.
I love how you focus on the positives in your life.
I have to admit, when I grocery shop, I sometimes buy a scratch ticket. Kind of a treat after doing a job I don’t like. But, what is the point. Not really a treat and it doesn’t make grocery shopping anymore fun.
I listen to something called Abraham Hicks on youtube. They also have a facebook page. They say a lot of things. But one thing that reminds me of you, is that they say focus on the things that are working in your life instead of the things that are not working.
I see that in you all the time. Yes, you have struggles with those you love in your life, but you focus on what is working. What is good. Knowing you cannot control anyone or anyone’s behavior but your own.
Continue to see and love the best parts of those you care about. But, continue to protect yourself. All you can do is love them from where they are at.
Continue to work on your own wholeness. That is the most important thing.
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Ican, Thanks for your amazing post! You gave me nice compliments. I love with all of my heart. The way I think about life really changed when my Husband died. I try to find the good in everything and everyone. It has taken me a long time to realize that I can’t change anyone but me. That everyone is responsible for themselves and their actions. I do need to continue to work on my wholeness. Meditating, exercising and keeping my brain active (learning) I am home now. In my safe haven. My Daughter, her boyfriend and my Grandson and I went to a carnival last night. Lots of fun! My Mom is sick with a stomach virus. I will check in on her tomorrow. I have been taking extra vitamins since my Grandson and Daughter were sick. I am feeling alright just a little tired I have to pass 2 casinos on the way home but wasn’t tempted. I think I am too tired to have urges. LOL!
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Thanks FG and Charles for your posts. I brought some chicken soup to my Mom this afternoon. She has a stomach virus. Since I have been surrounded by illness lately, I am still taking extra vitamins. I am feeling okay, just tried. It is supposed to be real cold here tomorrow. I am reading a good book. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day to vegg.
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I know I have not been posting, but have continued to read your posts and be inspired by you. Your positive attitude is often what I need. It’s like this breath of fresh air when I read the challenges that you face and how you deal with them. Keep posting and help and inspiring others. You truly are an amazing lady!!!! I continue to pray for your daughter with the drug problem. Take Care and have some of that chicken soup for yourself.
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Cat, it was a nice surprise to see your post. Thank you! I often wonder if I should still be posting here. It has been over 4 years since I first came here. GT has been my safe haven where I can be honest about gambling and my life and struggles. So I guess I just answered my own question. LOL! Woke with a sore throat. Staying home and resting today. It is cold and raining here. My Mom is still feeling ill. I made my thanksgiving food list as I am cooking. There will only be 4 of us this year. I also made my Christmas gift list. This is crazy but I thought of gambling today. Squashed those urges fast!
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Cat, it was a nice surprise to see your post. Thank you! I often wonder if I should still be posting here. It has been over 4 years since I first came here. GT has been my safe haven where I can be honest about gambling and my life and struggles. So I guess I just answered my own question. LOL! Work with a sore throat. Staying home and resting today. It is cold and raining here. My Mom is still feeling ill. I made my thanksgiving food list as I am cooking. There will only be 4 of us this year. I also made my Christmas gift list. This is crazy but I thought of gambling today. Squashed those urges fast!
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So my youngest Daughter (addict) and her boyfriend of 8 years have been living in someone’s garage for a year. They have been working part time jobs and have saved enough money to move into a small place. I am praying that they find somewhere as it is going to be hard without any credit or rental history. It is a big step for them. They are trying. My Motherly instinct is to help but I won’t. No more enabling. She needs to find her way. This is hard!
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Thanks FG. I have talked to my Daughter about me supporting her not enabling her. I don’t know if she gets it. I need to step back and let her find her path. This is nothing new. She has had drug addictions for half of her life (16 years) Very devastating to watch. I was able to push rehabs and counseling until she turned 18, and was deemed a adult. I cried everyday for years, developed stomach ulcers and was on the verge of a breakdown. My Husband intervened and told me that he didn’t want to lose me. He was very concerned about my health especially when I had a heart attack. There were only 2 times in our 30 years together that I saw fear in his eyes, then and when he was dying. I started counseling and was able to still care for my Daughter but not be consumed with her issues. It’s been a hard journey for our family. Most of them have no communication with her and I totally understand. It’s a bad place to be! Anyways, I am feeling much better. I am going to the store to get the turkey and a few other items. Thanksgiving and Christmas are bittersweet as my youngest Daughter isn’t invited. I want to make these pleasant memories for my Grandson not drama filled or everyone feeling anxious because we don’t know what is going to transpire. I make the best of it.
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Woke with a sore throat again. Took some medicine. Tonight I am taking my Mom to dinner. Sometimes she acts so child-like, almost like she needs extra attention. She asked me what she was supposed to do when I was in the city for 4 days the end of next week. She has a Dr’ s appointment on Monday and asked me if I was going to take her. The way she asked was kind of sad. I get it, she has never liked to drive and I think her eyesight is getting worse. It must be hard to have to give up some of your Independence. She has lost some of her confidence. Maybe she is scared. We are going to 2 church holiday bazaars on Saturday and she seems to be very excited. I am here and not going anywhere. I keep conveying this to her.
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Thanks Charles for your post! I am ashamed to say it but I gambled last night! The monetary loss wasn’t big but the emotional toll that I am feeling today is overwhelming! Why? I don’t know. I am sorting out everything in my mind. Obviously, I have some issues! Yesterday started out great. My Mom and I went to 2 holiday bazaars and I found 2 unusual Christmas gifts (handmade). We had lunch at a new place in town and I spent some time with my Mom at her home. My intentions were to come home and read or watch a movie. Instead I went to the casion and stayed 8 hours. I took $500 out of the ATM and blew it. I won serveral times and put that back into the machines. I didn’t leave until I had nothing left. I didn’t go back to the ATM. I did have enough sense to finally stop but I think that was only because I was tired. It is getting cold here and we are expecting some snow tomorrow. I have noticed that my disposition has changed a little since winter has settle in. I think the answer for me is to find some projects (crafts) to do to occupy my time!! I will be in the city for 4 days at the end of the week and than Thanksgiving will be here. Then I will decorate and get prepared for Christmas. I am going to kick myself for gambling for awhile. I am picking myself up and continuing on my journey.
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(((Lizbeth))
I felt as if somebody punched me in the gut when I read your post .
I could have been me making that post tonight (but I haven’t got 500 only 200)
It almost was me, actually.
I had a visit from my son and his GF today They have to be collected and driven back to the city. My husband collected them this morning. She turned up her nose at the food I prepared for lunch. This evening refused to eat anything. Kept “eyeing”my son and muttering under her breath. I feel very sorry for her. She didn’t have an easy life but she contradicted everything I said and tried to come between me and my son . It sounds weird I can’t go into details but any mother will know what I mean He seemed very stressed. Then, all of a sudden he said can we go now…..Long story short, I decided “what the hell, I’m going to drop into the casino for an hour after I drop them off” Then I decided to let my husband drive them . I stayed at home. He is just back now. I’m annoyed with him too. He just keeps his mouth shut and leaves the talking to me when she is here.
GAMBLING WON’T SOLVE ANY OF OUR PROBLEMS, Lizbeth.
I hope you can recover from the financial loss. I know if I lost money tonight it would have set me back big time. I’m on a tight budget. The emotional/physical recovery would take even longer.
Will you tell any of your family that you gambled?
If I gambled and lost I certainly would be looking for a bail out. I’m up to my neck in loan repayments.
Well done on posting.
I think I would have closed my thread and disappeared . Can’t take any more. -
Thanks Vera for your post. Sorry to hear that your Son’s and GF visit didn’t go well. Glad to hear that your Husband took them home and that you didn’t gamble. The money I gambled could have been used for many things. It should be sitting in my savings account. It could have been worse. There is no one to tell in my family. Either they are CG’s or have other issues. That is why I came here and spilled my guts. I kept busy today constructing a picture blanket online for my Grandson for Christmas. It will be delivered in a week. I put together 2 collage picture frames and I will hang them tomorrow. I feel good about being honest about my gambling and I accept full responsibility for my actions. I am very sad that I gambled. I have only myself to depend on financially. That’s scary that I would sabotage myself. I have a lot to work on!
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Well there must have been something in the air because you ended up at the casino, I fought through a huge urge I almost gave into, and by the sounds of it Vera almost went to. Yikes!!!
At least the financial cost wasn’t huge. I hope you can be kind enough to forgive yourself but also hard enough on yourself to prevent it from happening again. I know it is excruciating to think we can’t gamble even every once in awhile, isn’t it? The truth is though it would start of innocently enough and it begins to grow into a huge problem that we struggle to control over and over again. I guess its better to end the misery once and for all. I am not sure I believe I can stay away forever but I am away for at least another day. Hope you can get back on track right away and find the strength you need to remain gamble free. We are here for you and understand how difficult this is FG -
Thanks for your post FG!!! I felt comfortable coming here after gambling because I do have support here and I don’t feel judged. I haven’t forgiven myself yet but I am thinking of ways to remain gamble free. Boredom=gambling for me! I have a 3rd bedroom that I am going to use for my craft room. I haven’t tried my hand at crafts but I may be going at it! LOL!!! The winter may be hard for me because there isn’t much to do in a rural area. I am going to keep a eye on what’s happening in the newspaper, activities to go to. It has been lightly snowing all day. I took my Mom to her cardiologist appointment and we went for Mexican food. Yummy! I am at home all snuggly and warm. Tomorrow is a new day!
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i understand not wanting to be bored. I struggle with that too. I asked my daughter to help me with that and boy she keeps me busy. Along with my 4 grandchildren we can find plenty to do. I am having fun working on furniture projects too right now.With xmas around the corner I will be busy through till mid Janurary. Then we will have to think of getting through 2 tough months FG
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Thanks for your post FG!!! I can keep busy also. I’m not a crafty person but I’ve never really tried. I might find my niche. I am going to the city on Thursday and coming home on Monday. My Daughter is going out of town. I am going to see 2 dear friends while I am there. One friend I haven’t seen for 5 years. We have kept contact through phone calls. We worked together 29 years ago. I can’t wait to see her. The other friend lives at the condos where my Husband and I lived. I have known her for 20 years. She was very supportive of my Husband and I when he was sick. She and I became close after he died. So I have plans in place and intend on being busy while I am there. I haven’t had any gambling urges today but I don’t want to be complacent.
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I STRUGGLED today with gambling urges! I didn’t act on them. I am doing some laundry and getting my stuff together for my trip to the city for 4 days. I spent 1 hour and 50 mins at the bank this morning as they had updated and changed computer programs during the weekend and on Monday. My accounts were no longer linked to my ATM card. It took awhile to fix. Now I have encountered another problem online, some of my accounts are not showing up. Since I made changes today, I am hoping they are there when I log in tomorrow morning. If not, I will have to visit the bank again before I leave town. Frustrating! They were real nice at the bank and I realize that it isn’t their fault and that they are now having to correct things and if they don’t know they have to call someone. I wasn’t the only one with a problem. The bank was full of people!
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Thanks Charles for your post! I think my higher power is always in action, sometimes I just don’t listen. I am in the city. I stopped and had my car cleaned. Looks very nice. I had contact with my local bank twice today and the online banking issue is resolved. I will only have a little time with my Grandson as he is going to his Dad’s this weekend. I will see him again on Sunday evening. I’m going to be selfish and make this weekend about what I want to do. Seeing friends tomorrow and Sunday. Saturday I am going to a big craft store here to get some ideas on what I would like to try. I have been thinking a lot about why I gambled. I feel like I am missing something spiritually within myself. I need to keep searching till I find it. That’s the.only way that I will be whole.
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I had a run in with an ATM too, Lizbeth. God’s ways are not ours! He was a step ahead of me. Glad yours is sorted. I’m still waiting (impatiently)
‘Hope you enjoy the craft fair. My sister in law is into that. Always trying new crafts. They say “the devil finds work for idle hands” . Gambling kept my hands busy.
I heard a sermon on “Joy” not so long ago. The reason we can’t find it. the priest said, is because we search in the wrong places. So very true. I know where my source of Joy lies but my fallen nature often sets me on the wrong path.
We need to use our gift of discernment to get on the Right Track. Keep searching! -
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Thanks Vera and FG for your posts! I took my Grandson to school and picked up some bagels and cream cheese and went to my friend’s house. We visited for 3 hours. It was great I stopped by the craft store and bought burlap ribbon and various Christmas ribbon (reds and golds) I am making large bows to decorate my Xmas tree. I am also going to use pinecones for tree decorations. It will be interesting. Anyways, I am going to the mall tomorrow and do some window shopping. Sunday I am visiting with another friend. This is strange but I haven’t had a problem with gambling in the city since my move to a rural area. I am going to relax and read and watch tv the rest of the day.
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I lounged around this morning. I did finally get it together and made it to the mall. I bought 2 sweaters, 70 percent off. Good buy. I had lunch at a small Mexican restaurant. Brought home half of if for dinner. My Daughter’s boyfriend and his roommate came over to start the raised garden beds. We hung out for awhile. I’m going to watch some TV. I haven’t had any gambling urges. It is warm here. I am enjoying sitting on the patio and reading. Life is good!
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I came home yesterday Even though I didn’t have a lot of time with my Grandson and Daughter, I enjoyed catching up with friends. It felt good reconnecting with them. I spent most of the day with my Mom. It went well. Getting ready for Thanksgiving. Saturday my Mom and I are going to the next town for a Christmas boutique sale and lunch. It will be fun. I worked on the yard, blowing and raking leaves. It is a continuous battle as all the leaves are still falling off the trees. It keeps me busy and out of trouble. Keeping busy= no gambling!!!
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Thanks FG for your post. Thanksgiving was very low key due to last minute changes. My Grandson went to another state with his Dad to have thanksgiving with his other Grandmother. My Daughter and her ex decided that he could have my Grandson on Thanksgiving and she would have him on Christmas. He didn’t give her much notice. She is tired of arguing with him. He is so angry and bitter that she has moved on and has a boyfriend. He tries to make her life miserable. But she is handling the situation well and is making the right decisions with her son in mind. So it was my Mom, Daughter and I. We went out for dinner. I saved the turkey, etc for Christmas dinner. My immediate family is very small. My youngest Daughter isn’t invited to holiday functions as she has ruined some with her drug use and my Sister and her son don’t want to participate. Real dysfunctional family. My cousins either live in different states or we are not close. Anyways, it was a good day. I will go all out for Christmas. I love decorating and baking. My Daughter went home this morning. She and her boyfriend are going on a 2 day hiking and camping trip. Tomorrow, my Mom and I are going to a Christmas arts and crafts festival in a town 20 miles from here. I am looking forward to it! Doing a few things around the house today. Loving life!
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So today turned into a big bummer!!! The art and craft sale didn’t happen. We drove there and nothing was set up? My Mom was upset as she doesn’t understand the medical bills that she just received from the insurance companies for her heart surgery. I tried to help her sort them out. I told her to call on Monday to get clarification. She went on and on about money. I told her that even with health insurance, I had to pay around $50,000 for my Husband’s hospital stays and chemo. She reiterated, well you had the money. Yes, thank goodness he had life insurance. I told her that if she owed anything, she could work out payment arrangements and maybe get the amount reduced because she doesn’t make a lot of money. It fell on deft ears. I finally had to leave and go home. I could have gambled today! Instead I came home and organized my closet. I have 2 bags of clothes to donate to our local women’s shelter. Also, I felt like I had to validate myself with her today. She made the comment that I don’t talk to my Sister. I told her that was not the case. Since we reunited after my Sister stopped talking to me for a year, she has only contacted me once. Most of the texts and calls were initiated by me. Very one sided relationship. My Mom said nothing. It makes me wonder if she and my Sister are talking about me when they have their weekly phone chats. If so, shame on them. I don’t think my Mom gets it that I will be the one who takes care of her as she ages. As far as my Sister is concerned, I have written off having a great relationship with her. She has hurt many family members with her uncaring attitude. I can’t change how she feels. Sorry for ranting. Something I needed to get off of my chest.
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It was very cold here today. I had my nails done and took my Mom grocery shopping. Oh, my Mom called about the hospital bill and it appears that the hospital didn’t bill the insurance company right. They are trying to work on it. Anyways, I took the plunge and text my Sister. She is sick with a stomach virus. We just small talked. I looked on my phone and the last time I text her was over a month ago. I don’t know why I am trying. I just can’t let it go!!! I decorated the Christmas tree. It looks pretty! I briefly thought about gambling. Going to stay home and wrap presents.
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So I made it to the gym this morning in 20 degree weather. YEAH! I have my Christmas tree up and all of my presents wrapped. I only need to purchase a few gift cards when I go to the city next week. I paid bills today and thought about gambling because I have money left in my account. DAH!! I have extra money because I haven’t gambled!!! So I didn’t gamble. I am enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and looking at the beautiful Christmas tree.
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Thanks FG for your post! I am trying to live in the present. I know that gambling would really screw up my life but that doesn’t stop the urges I have every so often. I must be strong and not give in. I went to the post office today and mailed my Aunt and Sister, Nephew and Great Niece their Christmas gifts. My Mom and I went to the movies this afternoon. Very enjoyable. My Sister called my Mom with a gloom and doom story. In the process she said things that contradict things she has said before. In other words, she lied and my Mom caught on. What I don’t understand is why you would want to upset your elderly Mother. Very selfish and self centered. I know you can’t change anyone, you have to accept them but you don’t have to agree. My Mom is going to come over when I start my Christmas baking to help. She asked me if she could. I am starting to get my boundaries with her more in place. I know when we’ve been together long enough and when it’s time for me to leave. She does continue to try to intersect herself in every facet of my life but I intervene and stop her. It causes less stress and arguments. Yesterday when we went for breakfast, I observed that she is really afraid of change and if she doesn’t understand something she just ignores it like it is going away. When I get frustrated with her, I try to think in a compassionate way. She is my only parent and that when she passes, I will miss her.
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morning Lizbeth,
I’ve read your more recent posts and so many things jump to mind. And I fear sounding preachy which isn’t my intent as I have no right to preach to anyone! I can feel the kind-hearted person you are jumping from your thread. You just want to have supportive healthy relationships with your family. When it seems no one else in your family wants to “work” on repairing relationships I can feel your pain. I’m happy that your mother is wanting to spend time with you and it’s great that you are working on limits and boundaries with her so that you can spend time together. I remember hearing at a GA meeting something to the effect of “as a CG I need to lower my expectations”. Now that seems kind of sad on the face of it. But I can see when it is applied to this situation (and others in my own life) it may lessen a person’s sadness at not having things the way they see them or want them. If one lowers their expectation of family members and the kind of relationship they are capable of supporting, well that is a little sad too, but maybe not as sad as always being disappointed. Especially as we can only control the effort we put into things. I hope you have a merry holiday season. Ever think of volunteering with an organization that helps the less fortunate? It may help keep you in the Christmas spirit and out of gambling trouble! You are doing amazing Liz and we are lucky to have you here in this community. Take care of yourself Liz! Friends can be a family too. Hope you surround yourself in “new” family as your journey continues.Laura
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Thanks Laura for your post. I never take you as preachy. I have started to lower my expectations when it comes to family members. And I am getting better with setting up boundaries also. Then there is less hurt and confrontation. It is sad but I think a healthy way to deal with dysfunction. I surprised my Mom with lunch today, a variety of wings, potatoe and pasta salads from our local deli. She was happy. I am trying a new church tomorrow. Kind of excited!! The problem that I am finding in regards to volunteering here is that they want a commitment of 30 or more hours weekly. I help with my Grandson a lot and don’t want to be tied down. Maybe through the church I can find ways to help my community. I am more open now to meeting people and hopefully build friendships. Life is good.
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Sometimes it’s hard to stay positive with negative people around you! I feel like gambling, escaping for a few hours. I know afterwards that I will feel disgusted and ashamed with myself. I am doing everything in my power to not gamble. There are no meetings here. Between my Mom’s negativity today as I took her to the Doctors and store and my oldest Daughter’s rude comments concerning a disagreement, I am upset and hurt. What better way to deal with it than to be distructive by gambling. How crazy is that? My brain is telling me not to be stupid and my addiction is telling me to go for it!! I feel like I can’t win. I’m having a pity party!
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I HEAR you loud and clear Lizbeth.
Every time I take the escape route , everything gets worse….
Postpone the next bet…the slots will still be there tomorrow…try to think it through to the last act in the last scene where the “actress” is tearing her hair out, trying to kick her own butt and saying “WHY DID I DO IT?”…
Your mom is an old lady.
She is like a child in many ways and ours kids will always use MAMA as their punchbag.
Life ain’t easy kiddo.
Try to take deep breaths and count a few of your blessings.
Tomorrow is another day
God is good! -
I am feeling better. I made some hot cocoa and sat on the porch and watched the beautiful sunset. My Daughter apologized. A big thing for us as in the past we would go without talking instead of working things out! Progress! Also, I am going to stay 2 extra days with my Grandson and Daughter. My Grandson’s first violin performance is next week. I wouldn’t miss that for anything. I am still having urges, not as strong. I have the Christmas lights on. Feeling better!
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Thanks Vera! I haven’t gambled. I am still thinking about it though. I went to the gym early this morning and spent some time with my Mom. I came home and did a few things around my home. I am leaving on Thursday and coming back on Wednesday. Time to spend with my Daughters and Grandson and friends. I have gambled at least 6 times since I started my journey here. I know how much I loathed myself afterwards. I don’t want to feel like that again. I need to have self worth and self respect. I will get through the day without gambling.
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I made it to the city. I had a early appointment at the car dealership to have the oil changed and car serviced. Now I am at my Daughter’s home. Going to pick up my Grandson from karate camp. I’ve had gambling urges all week but haven’t acted on them. I’m afraid of the consequences. I was adding up the cost of some things I want to do to my house next year and I am still doubling up on my credit card payments. I can’t gamble or I will destroy my plans! I can’t face the disappointment of my actions. I was very frugal this Christmas, everything I bought was on sale. My time in the city is already etched out. I will be busy = no gambling!
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Today I was very disappointed. I went to get my youngest Daughter. She has moved to a different city. The drive was 45 minutes, one way. I brought her Christmas gifts. She never answered the door or her phone, so I went back to my oldest Daughter’s home. About 1 hour later she text me with a sorry and will you forgive me. We are going to try again on Monday. How could I be mad? She has a addiction. I was very unreliable when I gambled and I would disappear for hours. I missed out on so much family time. The only person who would call me on it was my Husband The disappointment from this morning has turned into sadness for my Daughter and anger towards her addiction.
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‘Been there, Lizbeth!
My youngest son is presently AWOL
Not answering calls or texts….it freaks me out sometimes.
If I were to dwell on it I know I would become very distressed.
I just hope and pray that our “children” will find their way back to the Road to Salvation.
Their behaviour is now outside our control. All we can do is put them in God’s Hands…and pray! -
Thanks Vera for your post! My Daughter’s addiction is out of my control. That doesn’t make it less painful to watch. I pray a lot for her. I am enjoying my time here. My Grandson is so funny and smart. My oldest Daughter is doing well in life and her sobriety. Her work situation has calmed down a lot. Last night was her office party. She was seated with the 2 CEO’s and 2 other top people in the company. That made her feel good about herself. They gave her several nice gifts and $750 in Visa gift cards. Very nice. I need to focus on the good and positives in my life. I have a lot to be thankful for.
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My Grandson’s recital was awesome. He chose to sit in the front row. He isn’t afraid of being in front of a crowd. We went for ice cream sundaes on the way home. I go home in the morning after I take my Grandson to school. I need to do some Xmas baking. My Mom and I will be celebrating our birthdays next week. May be we will go out for dinner. Xmas will be here soon!
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FG, he is almost 10! He is my joy! Thanks for the birthday wishes. I came home today and there is still a lot of snow on the ground. I had lunch with my Mom. I’m not even unpacked yet and I may need to go back to my Daughter’s home. The alarm service called today because the living room motion detector went off and the police were called. I finally got hold of my Daughter and she went home and her house was broken into. Good news is that they only got away with a big screen TV before the alarm scared them away. My Daughter’s boyfriend was hiking (no cell service) but has since received her messages and is on his way to see if he can replace the window today. Otherwise, Friday will be the earliest for someone to come out to install a window. Bummer! Never mind, her boyfriend is replacing the window! YEAH. Always something.
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FG you are all right! As long as we are not gambling, we can handle what life throws us. I tried to think of the positives of the break in. No one was home at the time it occurred and they didn’t steal much, nothing that can’t be replaced. I believe in karma and no good comes from stealing. I sent a positive affirmation to my Daughter this morning and wished her a great day. The window was replaced yesterday and the alarm service is coming out tomorrow to install more motion detectors, very costly but needed. The good thing is that my Daughter still feels that her home is safe but feels a little violated with someone rummaging through her belongings.
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well done on all fronts. I would also feel violated . She has done all she can at this point and hopefully its enough. These idiots that do these things have no concern for our feelings just there own gain and are just interested in what they get make money from. I am glad she is moving forward and that no one was hurt.
Have a good weekend FG -
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I had a great birthday! My Mom’s birthday is tomorrow. We went for Sunday brunch and we exchanged gifts. My Sister sent me a birthday and Christmas gift. I was a little surprised. If was thoughtful of her. The day went pretty well until my Mom said something hurtful. If I was gambling, I would have done some damage. I thought about leaving but I sat there and worked through all of my emotions, sadness, anger, hurt. I was able to move forward without getting into a argument with her. I think that is what she was looking for. In fact, I took her driving around looking at the Christmas lights. I am home now, all snug and warm.
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Today is being spent wrapping the last 2 gifts and straightening the house. My Daughter and Grandson will be here Wednesday afternoon and will stay for 4 days. I thought of my Husband this morning. He was like a child at Christmas time. He would put lights up outside our condo. Every year he would buy our Grandson a new train set. We would set it up in the living room and they would play with It for hours. Such fond memories! This is the third time that I have gotten through our birthdays and Thanksgiving without him. I just need to get through Christmas. It will be easier with family around me Next spring will be the third year anniversary of his death. I didn’t understand why I was having a hard time recently and was missing him so much. I started reading a self help book and it says that year’s 2-5 can be very hard. Many feelings resurface and that is normal. I will make it through and be okay. I am thankful for many things. Even though I gambled a few times this year, I have made a lot of process since I came to GT. My goal is no gambling in 2016!
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Bless you through these difficult holiday memories of joy, happiness and tears of sadness at all the same time I’m sure. I believe coping as well as you have is amazing and I see strength in your thoughts and words and I share the same goal you have to don’t gamble in 2016. Hope we can be there for each other.
Enjoy the holiday season and may joy and peace guide you through xoxo FG -
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Thanks FG and Vera for your posts. I don’t know where I would be without your support. My Husband is always near. I can feel his presence. Even though I experience sadness, there is so much happiness and joy in my life. I am very lucky in many ways. I bought a roast and vegetables to make for Christmas eve day. My Mom called today and wanted me to pick her up some lunch. She is not happy with me and made it clear. There is a promotion for 2 days at the casino here. They are giving away money and a car. We know it is not a give away as it is a 6 hour process each day. This will involve putting a lot of money into the machines. I told her that I definitely wasn’t going. So she called my cousin and she may come up. She either doesn’t understand my addiction or she doesn’t care. She is definitely a CG, but in total denial. I am concerned where she is getting the money to gamble. I can’t try to talk to her about it as she would explode with anger. I feel that she really disrespect me and tried to demean me. It doesn’t matter as I will do what is right for me. She used guilt, anger, shame and pity to try to get me to change my mind. She has become very self centered and selfish. I hope she behaves at Christmas as I want to spend quality time with my Daughter and Grandson. Remember: The only person we can change is ourselves. I am wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Years! May 2016 be a gamble free year!
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I had my nails done this morning. A monthly treat that I can afford because I am not gambling. I took my Mom to the grocery store. I am waiting for my Daughter and Grandson to arrive. I have a roast and vegetables in the crock pot. I am looking at the Christmas tree all lit up with presents below. I am very thankful that my gambling was minimal this year. I was able to purchase presents and buy all the food for Christmas dinner. As for my Mom, her actions aren’t due to old age or dementia. She will act normal in front of my Daughter. If anything she will play the victim role. Very sad but true. My Grandson is going to stay a few days with me and I will take him home and stay in the city for a few days. All in all this has been a good year. I can’t wait to see what next year brings. No gambling in 2016!
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Christmas was wonderful! I spent time with my Daughter and Grandson. My Mom actually had a good time! My Daughter’s boyfriend came up Christmas night and spent the weekend with us. My Daughter and I cooked a delicious meal for Christmas. I am kind of sad that it is over! Well, my Grandson is spending a few days with me and that is a treat. I love it when he tells me that he loves me! We will be heading back to the city on Wednesday afternoon. I will be there to bring in the new year. I am making steps towards my goals and dreams. I will not gamble in 2016! That is number 1 on my list! I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Now we can bring in the New Year!!!
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your doing great on many levels Liz, The more gamble free time the better. I’m not going to suggest its getting easier but it feels better for sure knowing I have some gamble free time under my belt . I hope you feel the same. I think it makes the other issues in life easier to get through as well and you are in that mode as well. Good for you and we both can look forward to 2016 knowing we have a new start to really work hard at it to be gamble free in 2016 FG
Time to get back to what I’m here to do relax in the sun while on my vacation FG -
Thanks FG for your post! I am facing a difficult time right now. My Daughter who is addicted to drugs broke up with her boyfriend of 8 years. He is a addict also. So it hasn’t been a healthy relationship. She has resorted to go stay with someone who is also a addict. She keeps texting me about how she dislikes staying there. She has no job or money, so she has few choices. I told her that I would see her on Saturday when I am in the city. Same story. I am not going to enable her with money. She can’t stay with me. She needs to go to rehab. I know this is her choice. So hard. I want to protect her but it would just be enabling her. She is almost 32 years old. This has been going on for 14 years that I am aware of. Too long! I am feeling helpless.
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I am feeling stronger! She text me saying that she needed money. I don’t even know if she is telling me the truth about her situation. I told her again that I would see her on Saturday and even though she was staying somewhere she dislikes, that at least she has a roof over her head. I also told her that she needs to make goals and plans for her life. No response.
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So my youngest Daughter text me late last night with, I love you and I responded the same. Oh, very hard! I had a nightmare last night that I gambled! That is how I dealt with stress and uncertainties in my life in the past but not now!!!! Heading for the city this afternoon. Going out for dinner and a movie and meeting friends this weekend. Looking forward to it!!!
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You are such a strong courageous woman. I have always admired your go go go.. and how you are with your family. You are doing the right thing.
Thank you for thinking of me Lizbeth, i am here but seldom posting. I get up when i fall down and i continue on. Would you ever consider trying the chat groups here? They are really wonderful to connect with others and its so good to get to talk on hereP
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Thanks P for your post. I do think of you often. I did go on the chat groups when I first came to GT. The time availabilities are not condusive to my scedule. I have also decided that I will not be posting as much as I usually do. I feel like I have used this site as a venue for my life, like a journal. I have strayed a bit from the gambling topic. There are many newbies here that need the focus. I will pop in monthly on my thread. I hope to be more supportive on others threads. GT has helped me immensely. I have had the greatest support from everyone.
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Hi lisbeth,
GT is a journal of sorts….yes newbies need support, but they also need to see that this addiction can be managed. I’m not one to talk, I’ve been very quiet for a long time. What i guess I’m trying to say is that just because we haven’t gambled for a while, there’s a little thing called life that throws challenges at us and i think new comers need to see how to deal with these challenges.
Everything you write is important, someone will take something from it. I wrote every single thought in my head on my journal for years. I would never have stayed gamble free for as long as I have without the support of the members here!
If you want to post, post!
It’s a good way to release.
You have been doing amazingly well under difficult circumstances.
Life after gambling is not easy. Sure, there is less stress to a degree, but family and financial difficulties still present themselves.
No running to the casino, no escape.
Learning to deal with life’s problems in a ‘non gambling’ way is something everyone needs to learn.
Your posts help more than you know!
I’m planning on being here a bit more…..I’ve been away too long!
Hope to see you around my lovely friend!
Love K xxx -
Hi lisbeth,
Thanks for your post, I’m sorry I misconstrued what you said and thought you were taking a break from the site!
Hubby and I have had a huge row, huge! Not job related at all but we are on day 2 of complete silence. Once upon a time I would be crawling to him apologising, I can’t stand confrontation…. This time feels different because to be brutally honest, I don’t care.
I know that sounds awful but it is what it is.
Going to see my mum today and I have a few things to do before work Monday.
Hope you have a lovely weekend!
Love K xxx -
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Nice to see you posting on other threads Lizbeth. Maybe you will make it to a Group some day.
‘Hope your daughters, mom and grandson are doing well.
We can get bogged down with families sometimes especially when they leave it to mama to do all the running.
I haven’t heard from my son since we had a bust up on December 26th. Hope you are staying in touch with your youngest daughter. All we can do is reach out. If they reject us that’s their choice. -
Vera thanks for your post. I didn’t stay silent for long. LOL. I have been trying to be more supportive here and less selfish. My Daughters and Grandson are fine. In fact I am going to the city on Saturday to attend my Grandsons birthday party. Staying the afternoon and coming back home. I have been feeling lost lately and I am sort of a mess! Not happy with a few areas of my life. Things that I can only change. I need to get myself together and do what I need to do!!! No excuses. Commitment!
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So, I just read P’s recent post and it hit home for me. The last few months I have gambled 5 times. Why? I haven’t lost huge amounts but enough for me to feel depressed with myself. My credit card use (not for gambling) the last 2 years has been out of control so gambling on top of that is stressful and ridiculous. I know the steps to take to stop. I am on board again. I also printed out budget sheets so I can get my finances under control and become debt free. Luckily, I have more money coming in than going out. I will not give up on myself. Today is a new day. The future looks awesome.
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Every day is a new day Lizbeth. A new chance .Another bite at the proverbial.cherry.
I’m hell bent on getting my Lump Sum back that I threw away last March. Yesterday marked my 8th instalment. It’s in 4 figures now In twenty two more months it will be fully restored.
I’m also taking a mini legal challenge about an unrelated issue. It’s a bit of a gamble but if I don’t challenge this particular issue it will haunt me or God forbid, even drive me back to the wrong places. Better to face things head on. I have a few other issues that need addressment too. Weight, health, etc . I will draw up a hit list.
Apart from not spending on your Credit Card or gambling money, Lizbeth I would recommend that you set up a Savings Account if you haven’t already got one.Seeing savings build , no matter how small the amount , gives us great satisfaction and hope. Not just for the financial aspect but mainly to prove to ourselves that we are not slaves to materialism or consumerism and that we can replace destructive actions with constructive ones. I feel the benefit already. I truly believe we “cannot serve God and Money”. As CGs we made a god out of money. Discipline is another huge issue with me. I feel I need to tighten the reins so I hear you when you talk about overspending. t can so easily get out of control. Let’s face it when we get older our earning power is reduced so we need to “feather our nest”. I intend living a more frugal life. For many reasons, I feel it will benefit every CG to do that.
Sorry for hogging your thread Lizbeth. I’m on a roll! -
Thanks Vera for your post. I have printed up a monthly budget (realistic) and it involves monthly savings also. I already have a savings account. I am not going to use any credit cards and I am going to live more simply. I am not in a desperate state yet! These are realistic goals that I can achieve. I am on a 2 year plan. I can pay off my debt (credit cards and 2 small loans) and should have a significate amount in my savings. It is all about self determination. As far as the gambling is concerned, it has to stop now! It is too easy to get caught up in it and let it get out of control. I dabbled for the last few months. What did I get out of it? No excitement, little return, stress, feelings of depression and self hate. Life isn’t meant to be spent in the casino. I continue to make plans for different things to do. I guess for me the hard part is that I have no one on one support. My family and friends don’t get it and there are no support groups here. They seem to come and go. I have to rely on GT and the good people here. I will keep fighting as I am worth it.
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The first thing is your being honest about where your at and how you want the year ahead to turn out. We must work so hard that it can wear us down. And this is the place where you can find understanding and support so stick around and rely on your fellow cg’s to be there for you ok. Its hard to find support outside of this community and sometimes we place to many expectation on our loved ones, if they let us down we sometimes take that to be the reason to gamble . We can’t expect them to have this at the for front of their brains even though its on ours continually. I just feel it isn’t fair to place that burden on them. Finding help here and going to meetings are our best defence to break the hold gambling has on us. Happy birthday to your precious grandson too FG
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Thanks Vera and FG for your posts. I have never expected much support from most of my family members on any issues. In fact, my Mom knows about my gambling problem and has said that she has a gambling problem but wanted me to go to the casino with her yesterday. Instead of going through my CG speech, I just said no and left it at that. The one family member who has been supportive has some issues in her life right now so I wouldn’t burden her with mine. That’s why I continue to come here. Only other CG’s can totally understand. I have done a lot of soul searching and I am mentally feeling stronger. I am putting financial plans into place. I have many projects lined up for myself to keep me busy. I have been through a lot the last few years and I have made it through and I am in a good place. I am strong. This is just another challenge to face and conquer.
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I am so upset with myself! No, I didn’t gamble. I lost my temper with my Mom and told her what I thought. Something wasn’t going the way that she wanted it (control) and she started picking me apart. I have dealt with this since childhood. Although I have tried to have honest talks with her because I thought it might strengthen our relationship, she continues her old ways. Although I never raised my voice yesterday, she screamed at me and said horrible things to me. Of course there is no talking to someone like that. I retreated to my home. She keeps wondering why family members have little to no interaction with her. Of course she finds a reason, none of it her fault, to justify this. She hangs up on me while I am talking on the phone to her and doesn’t make eye contact with me when we talk. She looks down or away. Very controlled and rude. She doesn’t have dementia because she doesn’t treat other people this way. I had very strong gambling urges the rest of the day. I didn’t act on them. I kept looking at my 2 year plan and budget. I’m not going to mess my plans up. I am worth a debt free, gamble free life! I have met a friend while on my daily walks. She has invited me over for dinner with her and her husband. We walk and talk. We seem to have a lot in common. It’s a start.
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Liz I feel your pain in your words and wish there was something that could be done. I lost my Mom at 11 and so its hard to relate to you. I didn’t have a close relationship with my Mother in law either and she passed away by the time I was 27 so i have no mother at all. I wonder if I am better off at times. Its been so long since they have been gone that I am no longer emotional about it. I do know that I have had toxic relationships with siblings and in the end I had to distance myself from them in order to move on in life, or they would have sucked out my entire sense of self. Perhaps its what you might have to do as well for your own health and well being. She may even treat you better if you see less of her. Just a thought. Fg
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Thanks FG for your post. Sorry for the loss of your Mother. That must have been a hard and difficult time for you. I have had toxic relationships before and have distanced myself. I don’t know if I think that I should be loyal to my Mom even though she causes me so much pain. I think I am in the same rut with my Mom again. We are with each other too much. I have explained this to her but she is becoming more dependent on me. She can function on her own but doesn’t want to. I will let a few days go by before making contact with her again. Then I will set my boundaries. again and stick with them. It is like she sucks the life out of me. So much negativity, complaining and judging. Every time we have conflict she tells me that it is my fault and belittles me. Enough, I am allowing her to behave this way. I can’t see myself having a normal life if I let this continue. I want to gamble badly. I am doing everything possible to refrain.
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I went out of my comfort zone and spent the afternoon with the woman and her husband I met while walking. We went to a Italian restaurant that I had never been to. They are very interesting people. I enjoyed myself. She and I went to a thrift store, it was 50 percent off day. I bought 6 shirts for $5. They want me to go on a day trip with them next month. Something I like to do. It was a good day. I have touched base with my Mom. We both apologized to each other. I feel like I can move forward from here and put my boundaries up again. She isn’t going to change, is she? I must accept her for who she is but I need to stand firm with my boundaries. I am happy to say that I had no gambling urges today.
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I just have the best time finding stuff for my grand kids and my oldest daughter too. We often go together and are always excited to see what we might find. The only down side is when I go to the malls to shop and find it so hard to spend regular price for anything now haha. 6 shirts for 5 bucks is a real savings too and gives you added advantage to buy more stuff that you need right??FG
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Yes FG, it is hard buying stuff at full price! Some of the shirts are name brand and look new. One shirt has the original tag on it and is new. I have donated clothes there before. It benefits a woman’s and children’s shelter for domestic violence. A good cause! I am staying home today and watching movies. I am going to put a roast and vegetables in the crock pot for tomorrow. Tomorrow my realtor is hosting a client appreciation party. I am invited to a movie at our only theater in town., and free refreshments. I can bring a guest, my Mom. So, that’s what I am doing tomorrow. Next week my goal is to go to the gym at least 5 times and walk every evening. I am setting goals for myself! I bought a canvas, bags of old buttons, paints. I am making a button art tree of life picture that I saw on the internet. I am going to hang it above my bed whether it turns out awful or not. LOL. Trying to find my creative side. It might take awhile.
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Hey Lizbeth
What wonderful changes you are making. Apart from always being on the go with something I am so glad that you went out with your friend and her hubby, good on you.
Getting creative, planning things, its all good, shopping for bargains, doing your own tax, look at you go. I am glad you are getting through the urges and continuing forward. It sounds as though your mum and yourself have kind of worked out the argument so might be a bit smoother. Whatever happens you have a good attitude and a good heart. Keep going Lizbeth, leave gambling in the dustP
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Thanks P for your post. My Mom and I went to the movie today for the client appreciation party. Afterwards we went to my house for dinner, roast and vegetables. Yummy! I am hitting the gym tomorrow. I was glad that I went to lunch the other day with my new friend and her husband. It’s hard for me to make friends. You would think that at my age (58) I would be more sure of myself. I have a lot to work on. Lately I have been angry about things, in general. I am approaching the 3rd year anniversary of my Husband’s death. The widow support group that I belong to says that is normal. I don’t like feeling this way. I also feel like it is a gateway for me to gamble. I am trying hard not to. So the battle continues!
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Thanks P for your support! I am in a better frame of mind today. I think that exercising everyday is great for my body and mind. I have so much to be thankful for. I need to remember that when I want to go to the dark side of my personality. It’s easy to give in and wallow in negativity. I will look for the positives in everyone and everything.
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If I told you I had gambling urges what would you say Lizbeth?
Take away ALL access to money Liz. Wrap those cards in tissues and put them in the freezer or post them to yourself!
I’ll give you a tip. GO TO GA. I went twice. Me and 15 men. All in a circle. I love studying faces. I imprint an image of the most interesting ones on my mind. Some are wracked with pain. Some look bewildered and anxious. Some just look stunned.
If I feel like gambling, I will imagine what my face will look like and then I will change my mind….Try GA Liz. Imagine 15 men all to yourself for 90 mins…….LOL. If I met them in the casino I wouldn’t see their faces , only the side of their heads! -
Liz you know what might happen so why not get prepared to prevent a repeat of something that can only end up hurting you. Write a list of thing you can do to stop you in your tracks. tie up any money access right away ok ” No MONEY no HONEY”
you know it can be done because you’ve done before. FG -
Hi lisbeth!
I have always wanted to see a psychic! Never done it though.
You sound so busy! Remember to give yourself a little me time now and then, God knows you deserve it!
Everything will fall into place, I hope I can say the same, with hubbys work being a bit erratic at the moment I’m praying that it all turns out, trying not to worry though, I can’t change what’s happening, I just need to let it happen!
Take care, love K xxxx -
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Sometimes when I want to give up, I think about all that I have. Not just material things. My health, family and friends. It helps me to put things into perspective and to be grateful. There are many people who have far less and are all alone. Many people are persecuted and abandoned for their beliefs. Everyone deserves love and respect. Be kind. You never know how much it can mean to someone.
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well not to much damage done thankfully but don’t let that be the thing that allows you to do it again ok. Time to reaccess your boundries and get back to dealing with recovery.
I hope you can see that this is a slippery slope and never comes out well for Cg’s Let it go and start again with more determination . You have what it takes so don’t let gambling take it away. FG -
Thanks FG for your post. I have moved forward. I did re-access my boundaries and have made a few changes to stay gamble free. I am determined not to gamble again! Today has been a off day for me. I did go to the gym in 14 degree weather. BRRRRR I did some grocery shopping and decided to tackle my taxes. The computer tax software I bought won’t work in my computer as it as a older version of windows on it. I tried all the troubleshooting hints and it is not going to work. Oh well, I will get them done again. Thought I would save some money but no! I am going to the city this weekend to celebrate a friend’s retirement. The day after I get home, the couple I met recently and I are going on a day trip about 2 hours north of here. It will be fun! I just feel in a funk today. No gambling urges.
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I would gather the funk is a result of your slip, this too shall pass my friend. Let it go and continue to do what you know is best and all will be ok.
Funny the weather here was 14 C and it was glorious. We set records today. it would translate to about 45-50 I think and in the month of FEb. its unheard of.
It must have been very frustrating trying to do your taxes on a computer that was incompatable with the program. Ill leave it to my hubby haha.
Enjoy your time with friends and enjoy a gamble free weekend FG -
Lizbeth, I read your words and totaly understand your thoughts, its so very tough at times and trying to get back into a good mindset after a slip up can be hard, I suppose its just like life “there will be good days and bad days” we just have to keep trying and work hard at it, its always good to see you around and read your shares, keep sharing and never give in, I hope today is a good day for you and wish you all the very best, take care and speak soon.
Maverick
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Thanks Vera, FG, and Maverick for your posts. My Funk wasn’t completely due to my gambling. I have just been feeling low lately. It will pass. I have gone to the gym every morning. This afternoon I will get my hair cut and brows waxed! I will make a appointment to get my taxes done next month. Hoping to get some money back this time! Need to make a few small home repairs in the spring/summer. I am looking forward to spending time with my friend in the city this weekend. I have plans every weekend this month and have my small road trip planned for when I return from the city. I have thought about gambling but haven’t! My money this month is tight. I have money for my monthly expenses and for my lesiure expenses, lunches and dinners out with friends. I am refraining from using any credit cards. That debt has to be paid off in 24 months so I can free up some money for savings. See, I do have a plan!
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Just wondering how you are doing. I won’t go into it in great deal since I wrote in my journal about it and if you want you can take a read. I just wanted you to know I came close tonight to gambling. Thank goodness i found strength through my hubby and his effort to prevent me from going. It was a long drawn out process but in the end no damage was done. yikes.
hope your finding the strength you need too at this time FG -
Thanks FG for your post! I am alright. I haven’t gambled! I spent last weekend with my friend and celebrated her retirement. I had a nice time! Yesterday I went on a road trip with my new friend and her husband. Nice couple! We had lunch in a small town at a old historic hotel. The food was good as well as the company. I mentioned replacing some wood trim on my house and they showed up this afternoon and replaced it. I was surprised! They would only take money for the wood. I am so appreciative. He is coming back this week to finish. My money is tight right now as I had some issues with the house my Daughter is buying from me, things that need attending to. Always something! I usually get depressed about “bad surprises”, but I am trying not to. Tomorrow is another day!
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I broke down today and bought a new laptop. I will get it delivered on Monday. Although I have been tight with my money, I felt like having a laptop was essential for me. It keeps me busy and out of trouble, casino. It is a nice, warm day here. I went to the gym early this morning and washed my car this afternoon. I’m home now just relaxing. Life is good!
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The gambling urges have been rearing it’s ugly head! Money is tight and I won’t give in. I have to stay on my path! My friend’s Husband was back today. He replaced the wood trim in front of my house and is putting galvanized flashing over it so the weather won’t ruin it again. He is coming back tomorrow to finish the job. It has only cost me $51 dollars for materials for both jobs. I am very grateful. Within the next 3 months, I am going to find a handyman to repaint all the trim on my house. I would need to get on a very tall ladder to reach the peak area and I don’t like ladders! I might have him replace a vanity top/sink in my main bathroom also. I feel good seeing the little fixes on my home. The weather here is beautiful. I made it to the gym all week. I plan on going tomorrow. My Sister is coming up for the weekend. She and my Mom are going to the casino. I was invitied but have said no! Bills have to be paid and I need money for my trip to the city later this month. I won’t put myself in a bad money situation again. I need to learn from my mistakes. One day at a time!
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Thanks Vera for your post. I stayed out of the casinos this weekend. My Sister is leaving today. It was a okay weekend. My Sister is full of herself and sometimes very rude. I gave it right back to her. She finally stopped. I am watching my Mom’s neighbors dog. Very cute. Weighs about 6 lbs. My Mom has a dog also and the two dogs don’t get along. The woman’s Mom is having her leg aputated due to cancer. They are in the city for some time. It gives me something to do. I am waiting for my new laptop. It is supposed to be here sometime today. Anyways, I hope everyone had a Happy Valentines Day!!
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So, I did receive my new laptop! Love it! My other one was about 7 years old. I did my taxes and I owe quite a lot. I am going to get it done with the same tax company I used last year. Maybe they can find some more deductions. Anyways, I am not going to fret about it. I will have to make arrangements with IRS! My friend’s Husband made me a potting table. It will come in handy this spring when I am planting flowers. It looks good in my backyard. Anyways, I am tired so I am signing off for now. Nighty-night.
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Day 2 of a sore throat and not feeling well I am resting and watching TV I finally got up and put a load into the washer I am going to the city on Friday thru Monday It is the big cancer walk Also, I will have some time with family and friends I decided to have my taxes re-done professionally I may have missed something I am less worried as I can make payments on what is due No gambling for me! I must stick to my budget . Things will get better!
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Feeling much better today! My head feels clearer and I am thinking more rationally I totally believe that I can always improve myself and my life I used to always blame myself for all of my family problems and dysfunctions It really bothered me how my Sister acted when she visited I guess I take things personally Then I came to the realization that my Sister will act the way she does regardless of how it affects others Between online help and self help books I am learning that you have to let go of or distance yourself of the people who bring hurt to your life, including family I think that I have taken this hurt and turned it into negative and destructuive thoughts that have not been good for my life Time to make changes Time to stop making excuses for bad behavior Time to say that I am worthy of good and healthy relationships Time to live a happy life!
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Do you have any idea why you always blamed yourself for all the family problems, and dysfunctions, Lizbeth?
Did somebody else blame you ?
Taking the blame for others often gives them an opportunity to place more stress on you by acting as they want , knowing someone else will pick up the tab.
Family dynamics change when one person set boundaries or removes his or herself from the “blame” position. I see it in my own family.
It’s good to reshuffle the cards and let others take responsibility too.
I hope your youngest daughter is well.
She is in my thoughts and prayers. -
Thanks Vera for your post It gives me a lot to think about I was raised by guilt and control by my Mom. My siblings and I were brought into domestic abuse (verbal) by her towards my step father She also verbally abused us and sometimes physically lashed out at us My Grandmother who lived across the street from us was my saviour She treated me with kindness and love I guess I learned to take the blame for my family’s dysfunction My Mom and Sister still play the same game Everyone else is wrong They take no responsibilty for their actions I do distance myself and I do have boundaries This is something that I work on! Thanks for mentioning my youngest daughter She broke up with her boyfriend of 8 years because of his verbal abuse She is living with friends She is struggling with her drug addiction I pray for her also
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I made it to the city! I had breakfast with a dear friend and lunch with my youngest Daughter. I am picking my Grandson from karate and we are going out for dinner. A lite dinner for me . Too much food but good company. I now know why I love living in a small town, less people and traffic There are some things going on with my oldest Daughter which are causing me some stress I’ll talk about them later No gambling urges! Going on the cancer walk tomorrow Looking forward to it!
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Hi everyone! The city trip was stressful and very disappointing. Sunday my Grandson broke both wrists during a fall. He is in double casts and a lot of pain. He will rebound! This is not his first broken bone. I came home early. I didn’t make it to the cancer walk as my oldest Daughter and I had a terrible disagreement. She has decided that it is her responsibility to tell me what I should do with my money and whom I should leave it to when I die. Yes, really! She is upset that I would leave half of my money and things to my youngest Daughter. Very selfish! Anyways, it is my money and I will do with it what I want. Also, she has no job since last Tuesday. She knew that the company was being sold. She has been saving her money and her boyfriend will help her out if needed. I asked the question, “can you pay the mortgage”? As the house loan is in my name because of her bad credit. I also put my money down on the house and paid all the closing costs. Oh my, she blew up on me. I thought it was a perfectly legitimate question to ask. She did give me the payment. Looking back, I should have had her sign a contract regarding the house. I didn’t think that I would have to worry, but her reaction tells me I do. She is also complaining as she thinks that I should pay for any fixes done to the house. I have paid the home warranty and the house is supposed to be hers when her credit is good and she can get a mortgage. Just a nasty mess! I haven’t gambled with all of this stress and I am proud of myself. I can’t gamble as I need to make sure that I can pay my bills and the house mortgage if she can’t. She has decided that she is going to draw unemployment and stay home with my Grandson for awhile. I guess she wants her boyfriend and I to take up the slack. Isn’t going to happen as I will sell the house if it comes to that point. She couldn’t even rent a home for what she pays for the mortgage. Entitlement, that’s the word that describes her! The good thing is that she is there to take care of my Grandson. I know this is a long post but I need to vent and release. I came home hurt and very disappointed! I am feeling much better after going to the gym this morning and being in my own environment. No gambling urges! So, I am dealing with this a lot better than I would have in the past! Progress!
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That was a disappointing weekend, Lizbeth. The type of stress you could do without. I hope your grandson will be ok. That’s the main thing. Your daughter seems like a bit of a “hothead”. I’m sure she is distressed over the loss of her job, but yes, I hear you. Everything is great with our grown up kids for as long as we keep doling everything in their direction but when the hand outs are threatened, the effluent hits the air conditioning fast!
“Eaten bread is soon forgotten” my mother always said.
Still not too late to draw up a contract, is it Lizbeth?
It would be such a pity to fall out with your daughter over property at this stage.
Give her time. She will cool down. You will too! Well done on not gambling to ease your stress. -
Thanks for your post Vera! I have cooled down and my Daughter has replied to my texts about my Grandson. He will be alright. I am sure he will be able to maneuver with both arms in casts as soon as the pain lessens. Kids are resilient. The most distressing thing about the disagreement or should I say my Daughter’s yelling is that my Grandson was present. I told her that I wasn’t going to participate in that behavior. I said my piece but she kept screaming. My Grandson was visibly upset. I comforted him and told him how much I loved him before I left. I didn’t see any reason to stay as she wasn’t going to stop. I feel like I have done all that I am going to do for her monetarily. I think that at this point a contract will only cause problems in her viewpoint. I do have the control as I can sell the property if needed. I am thinking that I should have the patio roof replaced at her house. It will cost me about $1000 but well worth it. She was supposed to have it done but didn’t. It’s in my best interest to do it. I don’t ask anyone to do anything for me and I take care of my business. She is in her late 30’s. I hope she grows up one of these days. The best thing is that I didn’t gamble, as I would of in the past and I have no urges.
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read your posts and sorry to hear about your grandson hope he has a swift recovery. He is lucky to have you. What goes around comes around. Your grandmother was a great person who left a good example for you.
Therapy for you and your daughter might improve your relationship. New communication skills and understanding the impact from dysfunctional family interactions might be just the thing to help you both. Sure worked for me, just saying !!! no judging at all ok FG -
Thanks FG for your post! I think that counseling would do us both good. I called and talked to my Daughter this afternoon. I misunderstood, my Grandson is in full arm splints till next Wednesday when he sees the specialist. They want to let the swelling go down. He may have to have surgery (pin) on the right wrist. He is going to school half days as the pain is so bad even with Tylenol. He is hanging in there. Now for me, I gambled yesterday! It wasn’t good. I couldn’t stop myself. I did some damage. Enough where I am going to have a hard time paying my monthly bills. I cried all the way home. I didn’t sleep well last night, worrying and hating myself. I have been praying for God to give me the strength to recover from this and move forward. I cut up all my credit cards but one for emergencies and gave it to a friend to hold on to for me. I mailed it to her (city). I even confessed to her about my addiction. She told me that she loved me and that she would support me. That was so freeing not to be judged! I am going to do a debt consolidation plan for the remaining cards. This is ridiculous. I am missing something in my life. I need to find my inner peace. My friend here came over for lunch. I didn’t tell her about my problem. She is a frequent casino goer. I don’t know her well enough or long enough to confide in her. I feel freed but at the same time a little hopeless, depressed. It will pass and get better as I do the right things in my life.
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Give yourself credit for doing the right things after this slip and move away from it. I understand you feel bad and rightfully so so let it be what it needs to be for a bit.
Glad you confided in a friend and asked her for her help. You will move forward and you will find your way out of this addiction. Believe and get back to one day at a time.
Maybe you can make partial bill payments for awhile to ease the pressure. It will be ok and hopefully you have locked down all access for as long as it takes to stay away ok. Hang in there and start again ok Liz FG -
So sorry to hear you gambled again, Lizbeth.
Also sorry to hear about your grandson. ‘Hope he gets pain relief soon.
There is no relief, sadly from the pain of gambling. Sometimes we have to just suffer the consequences and when we suffer enough, we will stop gambling forever.
Can you talk to your daughter and tell her the outcome of your altercation with her? Resolving the underlying upset might prevent further gambling relapses as well as further arguments. I don’t mind reasonable arguments but when I’m put down or accused in the wrong it causes a lot of stress. It’s not easy when you have to “grin and bear it” but sometimes that’s the only way to prevent further conflict. I think that behaviour could easily drive me over the edge. How can you avoid another “attack”? -
Thanks Vera and FG for your posts! I woke in a more positive mood. I was devastated to find out about my Grandson’s broken wrists on FB I wasn’t called. That is what sent me in my tailspin. My Daughter wanted to get to me and she did. Tbey are not coming for Easter as they are going to her boyfriend’s family’s house for dinner. I understand but I feel her distancing herself from me. It hurts but life goes on. I will work out my financial issues this month. I am grateful to have friends who love me for myself not for what I have or don’t have. I have to live for today
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I am in a funky mood. Maybe it’s the aftermath of my gambling. I am trying to stay positive and focused. I am trying to figure out my bills and lack of money. I will juggle things around and figure it out. This is the aftermath of this addiction. My beautiful Grandson called me yesterday. He is down about his broken wrists but is dealing with it. It was so good to hear his voice. He had received the card I had sent him with Star Wars stickers inside. It made me feel better.
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Hi Lizbeth, First of all, I have been thinking about you a lot lately, even though I haven’t been up-to-date on posts. Like me, I knew you were restless, wanting to make changes in your life, but being in kind of a standstill. I was thinking that your restlessness wasn’t a bad thing just a sign that you were ready for some changes.
Now, I read about all that you have been going through lately. I so relate to the situation with your oldest daughter. This is so similar to what we went through when we bought our parent’s home “the cottage”. When it was in our best interest and they were healthy enough, we didn’t have the courage to ask them to leave. We truly believed we were doing the right thing to buy it in the first place, and then to let them stay there. Even though, it was the worst thing we could have done. It destroyed us financially, and we still haven’t recovered. Protect yourself, Lizbeth. Your daughter is young. She can recover. I realize now, it wasn’t our job to try to save my parents, especially at our expense. But the thing that was so hard to face was the fact that even though they asked for our help, they also resented it. Not in the beginning, because I think they still believed that our help was only a temporary fix and they would be able to move out and buy their own home. Like you, we took a chance. The thing that is hard to admit, even now, is that we also felt resentment towards them, too. I resented them for being in a situation where they needed our help, and I also resented them for resenting us for trying to help them. But, I also resented them because we went down with them because we did so against our better judgment and at our own expense. I don’t mean to talk about myself on your thread, but I do hope you can get something out of it. If nothing else, I feel deeply for what you are going through. In the end, I do believe love is what matters most, but it does get tricky when family and finances mix.
Which brings me to your relapse. I did the same thing two days ago. About that, I won’t give details on your thread. I will say that given everything you are going through, it isn’t hard to understand. Forgive, if you will. However, I would rather think of it as a ZigZag, rather than a relapse. You Zigzagged, but you didn’t leave your recovery path.
And I hope that because of the ZigZag, you are more determined than ever to find that thing you feel is missing.
People may not agree with me, but I don’t think your ZigZag is anything to forgive. I know we know that Gambling is not the source of our pleasure. Nor should it be the source of our pain. Don’t give it the satisfaction or that much power, Lizbeth.
You have a lot on your plate right now. You gambled, but I know you are now ready to handle things without gambling…the Lizbeth way…with strength, fortitude, discernment, forgiveness, grace, and with the greatest gift you have to give, love! -
Thanks Ican for your post! It had a positive impact on me. My Daughter did send me this month’s house payment. I have decided in the future if she can’t pay it, she will have to move. I need to look out for myself. I understand about what you said about resentment. I think that she and I both
are feeling that. Whatever the outcome, I will love her. It is tricky mixing finances and family. It is a lesson learned for me. I do like the theory of a ZigZag rather than a relapse. I have forgiven myself. Now I am picking up the pieces. Everything will be paid but 2 credit cards. Which will be 2 weeks late. I have never been late on them before. I will make the double payments and late fees then. This is another lesson learned. The little amount of savings is in a account that I will get heavily penalized for if I withdraw it! So I’m not going to! Ican, I am still looking for the missing piece. I haven’t given up! -
The Mother/Daughter relationship can be complex Lizbeth. I think there will always be a part in a daughter that resents her mother and a part in the mother that resents her daughters youth and energy. We see them as reflections of ourselves and when they fall short the mother’s ego is hurt. Colleen Mc Cullough describes its bitter/sweetness in the book The Thornbirds. It really brought it home to me when I read that book -my daughter was in her teens then-that in a way we are jealous of and disappointed at some level with our female offspring. The mother/son relationship is very different.
In general, these days I think we give our “kids” far to much. It is a mistake to expect anything in return because the more I look around me I see the next generation doing their own thing irrespective of their parents needs or wishes. I think Ican gave you sound advice. I think there is greater closeness in large families . The siblings seem to look out for each other more and collectively they look out for their aging parents. Small families , mine for one, take FAR more than they give. I wonder why?
I gambled for years Lizbeth to try to avoid looking a these issues but I’m slowing coming to realise that we are on our own so making provision for old age is vitally important as our energy and earning power decreases. Hold on to your savings Lizbeth. We never know when the rainy day will come. Keep your communication open with your daughters. I know if I didn’t do all the running, I would never hear from mine again. Sad but true! -
Thanks Vera for your supportive post! I love both of my Daughters and although I haven’t agreed with all of their life choices, I don’t throw them up in their faces. My oldest Daughter keeps throwing my past mistakes up and in front of my Grandson. Very hurtful! It really concerns me that she thinks that it is alright to do that in front of him. I think she resents my Husband and I taking care of our Grandson the first 3 years of his life. That was not our choice. Both parents made bad life choices and if we hadn’t stepped in my Grandson would have been in foster care or worse. I did what I thought was the right thing to do. He and I have a strong bond, almost a parent/child bond and she resents that. My Grandson called me the other night. It was good to hear his voice. I am only contacting her about my Grandson. He is seeing the specialist tomorrow and I will call her to find out what is going on with him. I will keep my distance. I am no longer running to the city so she can go on weekend trips, ect…. I will see my Grandson on my own terms. I let myself get manipulated. Yes, it is my fault! But it stops now! She has no respect for me and I feel like it was all about what she could get from me monetarily. Sad but true! But we only let people treat us the way they do. It ends now! I love her but not the way she treats me. I am sorting out my expenses this month. I am a little short but I will survive. No gambling urges. I am doing some yard work and I have been reading a lot lately. I need to work on my spiritual self! I haven’t been going to church on a regular basis. Sunday, I am trying a new church in town. Looking forward to it!
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My Daughter called today and my Grandson is having surgery on his right wrist (to straighten 2 broken bones) tomorrow. He will stay in the splints for another week. He may need another surgery then to place a pin in the bones if it doesn’t heal right. After that he will be in full arm casts for 3 weeks and then regular casts. He is going to have a bone density test to determine if there is a problem there. I am not going down as my Daughter said that her boyfriend would be with her. She asked if I would come some later time. I am sure that she will need a break as my Grandson can do little for himself. She was genuinely upset and concerned about him going under anesthetic . I tried to comfort her. My Grandson is understandably upset. Please keep him in your thoughts!
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Thanks Vera for your thoughts and prayers. My Grandson’s procedure went well this morning. He and I talked this morning and he was making me laugh! What a special child. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I have been more positive this week. I made it to the gym everyday. Everything in my yard is blooming! It is beautiful! Enjoying life.
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Where did those three years go, Lizbeth?
You are in my thoughts this day. A huge loss and a void in your life. My husband was sick with flu during the week and I was thinking of you and how well you get by without your husband. I don’t think I would have your strength. I hope your grandson continues to improve. -
Thank you Vera for your kind words. A little piece of me died when my Husband died. I havd no choice but to go on. Sometimes it’s really hard. I miss so many things about him. But I feel him around me all the time. My Daughter and her boyfriend will be back today from their camping/hiking trip. My Grandson is doing well. Last night he had a little breakdown when he was telling me how hard it is to be in 2 arm casts. My heart broke. He is handling it well for being a child. He doesn’t complain or whin. I am just enjoying my alone time with him. He is so sweet, smart and beautiful. I am going home tomorrow. My Mom has a cardiologist appointment in the afternoon. We think that some of the wiring used to keep her breastbone together has come undonr. We need to find out whats going on and what can be done to fix it. No gambling urges for me. Keeping busy!
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So glad to hear your grandson is on the mend and that you have such a bond together. Sorry you have to handle all this without your spouse but you are doing so well with your hands so full of what life presents you with. Better your hands be full with life than full with gambling aftermath.FG
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Thanks for your post FG! I blew it tonight and gambled! I am using destruactive behavior to punish myself for my sucky life! I came home today because my Mom had a cardiologist appointment which I took her to and to get a chest xray. I got no thank you, just a terrible attitude. When I got her home she kicked me out of her house and told me she was through with me. She threw things at me. She lost it and I don’t know why. She said horrible things to me. I am broken. I need to fix a few things around here and I am seriously thinking about selling my house and moving. It’s no excuse for gambling. I put that on myself. I had a choice. I feel all alone. I feel like my Mom needs help with her anger issues but I have no support from my Sister. I don’t want to become angry and bitter like my Mom. This can’t continue. Everytime she has a outburst, a piece of me dies. This stressful situation is changing me and not for the good. I feel hopeless right now!
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So sorry to hear you are going through such a rough patch, Lizbeth. It seems things are happening all at once . That is so stressful.
Would it be possible to have some sort of a family meeting to include the 4 generations to lay down some ground rules? It seems you are picking up your mam’s/daughters’/grandson’s hardships and that is far to much for one person to deal with. You are so good to them all, yet they seem to give very little in return -except your grandson, of course.
Being the “middleman/woman” takes it’s toll, Lizbeth. I’m guessing you are using gambling as a crutch to escape from all the pressure.
Time for everyone in your family to stand up and be counted.
As I write , I feel I’m preaching but, I’m not forgetting how dysfunctional my own family is and always was and not just the present generation. Somebody has to break the cycle Lizbeth. Would they agree to counselling, do you think? I’m thinking of you and praying that your present situation will be resolved soon. Hold off on making any hasty decisions regarding the house.
Things will change, only if you change. Take care! -
Thanks Vera for your caring post. A dear friend of mine called today. It’s like God answered my prayers. We talked and prayed and I am feeling much better now. My family won’t go to counseling. I have suggest it before. But I am going to go to counseling for myself. I am blessed to have a few friends who are my family and who are there for me and who love me. I won’t make any hasty decisions concerning moving. I’ve made plans for this weekend. Saturday, I am going to our local community garden and I am taking a (free) gardening class. Sunday, I am going to a new church. I am excited. I gambled thinking that I could escape from my problem but we know that isn’t how it works! I have forgiven myself and I’m ready to move forward.
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Well Liz, I’m glad you can forgive yourself and move forward. We have all felt like you and have done just what you have done many a time in fact, and we continue to learn from our mistakes. If you can restrain yourself for awhile then learn you will. Its like a ladder we take a step at a time and sometimes when no one is supporting the ladder we fall again and again. You want to find someone to keep the ladder from falling over next time and you will learn how by getting into counciling. Then when we have proper tools we can secure the ladder and carry on without support. or become a support for others climbing the ladder for what ever troubles them. FG
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Thanks FG for your post. I’ve suspected that my Mother is bipolar. I’ve thought this for years. It is only getting worse. She will never get counselng as she thinks she doesn’t have a problem. How one person could be full of such hate and anger is scary. The verbal abuse is too much for me. I don’t think I can deal with it anymore. She is a ticking time bomb. I am going to really limit my interactions with her. No more gym, 5 mornings a week. Maybe I will see her once a week. She told me that she doesn’t even like me. Then she brought up things that I told her in confidence and made fun of them. I’ve never had someone be so hateful and mean to me. Anyways, I know that gambling isn’t the answer. Self-care is what I need to do for myself. It’s time to heal.
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Hi Lizbeth
I’ve been catching up on your thread. All I can say is you are a very strong woman. I think counseling is a great idea. You need to be able to have some advice on how to cope with your Mom and have someone direct you in ways to release some of your stress.
I hope your grandson is doing better. Your daughter sounds a bit stressed too and as children do, she used you as her escape valve.
I have often thought when reading your thread that you could do with someone who put your needs above their own. Since that someone is presently missing, I believe you need to find support until God puts this person in your life. It may be a good thing for you to find a big chuch that has outings for empy nesters or older singles. A group that can lift you up.
I know your family loves you, but they are a bit self centered just now.
Gambling is nearly a side issue when we have so much family drama, but that side track will make you feel so much worse. It’s good that you have a plan to stay clear of that.
I’m praying for your joy to return! -
Thanks Kpat for your post. I am going to a new church this Sunday! I’m hoping to connect with other people. I truly believe that is what I need in my life. I have lost my joy. My Grandson doesn’t have to have a pin put in his right wrist. Yah! He is now in full arm casts for 3 weeks. My Mother and I haven’t had any communication since Monday. I have decided that I will see her twice a week when we start talking again. Nothing ever gets resolved and it always ends with her unleashing her anger towards me. I can only take so much. I am far from perfect but I try to do the right things in life. I feel like I have set up myself as a punching bag. A lot of things have happened because I allowed them to. I am taking a step back from my Daughter and Mother and rethinking what kind of relationships I want with them. It’s rough when you don’t have any support from your family. I could sit and cry and feel sorry for myself but I refuse to! I hurt myself with gambling! That is going to stop! I’ve caused enough damage the last 2 times I gambled that I now have very little left after monthly expenses. Very dumb move. I will work through this and come out the better.
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So, I have taken a few steps this morning to get out of debt. First, I canceled every thing that I don’t need, little luxuries that were adding up to over $100 per month. Secondly, I cut up all my credit cards but 2, my Home Depot and one Visa card. Thirdly, I am going to take the next 3 days to decide if I want to do a debt consolidation program for my remaining cards. It will hurt my credit but it is already suffering. It’s not like I am going to buy another home or car soon. I did a online application and it would save me over $200 a month. Something to think about. I am feel better by taking the reins and doing something about my problem. Gambling and compulsive spending have led me here! Time to dig out and move forward!!
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Okay, I lost what I was typing, so I will start over! I am feeling better emotionally today. I made the decision to a debt settlement on my cards and loans. I will save $450 per month and it will be paid off in 9 months. Looking back I should of had someone help me with my finances while I was grieving my Husband’s death. I am finally coming out of the fog now, 3 years after his death. I can’t go back and change things. I can only learn and move forward. I haven’t spoken to my Mother since Monday afternoon when she threw her tantrum. I need to put some space and time between us. She said some terrible things to me and brought my oldest Daughter’s name into her rant. Anything that I confided with her she threw up into my face. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough! LOL!!! Anyways I was thinking, I wouldn’t let a friend or stranger talk to me the way she does. I don’t know if our relationship will recover from her last stunt. I have decided if it doesn’t, I am alright with that. I don’t want to leave and sell my home. That would be my last resort. I will have to see what happens. These manic outbursts have happened all my life. Sometimes you have to say enough! I did tell her that she needed to get help for her anger issues. I have been a good Daughter to her. Maybe my Sister can step up and take over. Just a thought. No gambling urges at all. I am ready to take control of my life. I may have to go the city for counseling. I will if I can’t find someone here that my insurance will cover.
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I made it to the gardening class this morning. Not very many people there but I made myself go and I did learn some tips. I am looking forward to starting my vegetable and herb garden. I am going to put my raised garden frames together next week. I have all of the seeds. I just need to buy some more organic soil. I am also working on my tree of life button picture. I am going to draw and paint the tree today. I was looking at the bags of buttons I bought over a year ago and deciding which to use. I am not very creative, art wise, but I am having fun doing this picture. It is going to hang it in my bedroom. Anyways, it’s a beautiful, sunny day here! I am going to enjoy it! Have a great weekend everyone. I will keep you posted on my new church experience tomorrow.
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I didn’t go to church this morning. I barely slept. The dysfunction in my family has me feeling depressed and guilty. Guilty because I feel like I should be able to fix things and people. I know I can’t! I need to fix myself first. I will get out of this mood. I have to think of all I have to be grateful for and concentrate on that. This evening I will start with a walk. Tomorrow I will get up early and hit the gym. I know the only way the dysfunction will end for me is if I distance myself. I don’t have gambling urges nor the money if I did. That is a good thing!
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Hi there… I’m not sure which thread to write on for you there are two.. ?
You are doing ok Lizbeth, it amazes me after you gamble you don’t continue.. that is fantastic that you just get straight back on track.. if others treat you badly that is their problem. You are a giver, don’t let them take take take, i love that you pulled the reigns in a bit.. don’t let them bring you down..P
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Thanks P for you post and support. I guess I am feeling a bit lonely and abandoned. When my Mother told me that she was almost through with me and then threw up things that I told her in confidence, it just killed me. Then she told me to get out of her house. I think that all of the belittlement just tore a hole in my soul. I know I need to forgive her for my own well being, but that is so hard. I don’t know if our relationship will continue after this last incident. Honestly, I did nothing wrong and even though I know it isn’t my fault, I feel guilty. Guilt has been programmed in me since I was a child. Almost every article I have read online about dysfunction and my Mother’s personality traits tells me that I should just walk away for my own well being. This is so hard!
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Dear Lizbeth,
When I am around my mother, she makes me crazy. I love her amd she loves me. I call her once a week and she lives 5 minutes from me. I see her at my sister’s house about once a month and of course if something happens that is important, I call her or she calls me.
I miss her, but I just can’t take how mean she can be. It is not usually directed at me, but just her attitude in general.
It’s okay to take care of you for a while. You don’t have to make it forever, just a break. When I first started limiting my time with her, she did make me feel guilty. She has actually started spending time with my Dad. That is good!
It is really ok to distance yourself for a time. -
Thanks Kpat for your post! I live only 6 blocks from my Mother, my choice. I talked to a really good friend this afternoon. She told me to keep my distance also. I need to take care of me! I hope that it isn’t forever with my Mom. She holds grudges and never lets go of them. I think that I have just been so immersed in her life and it’s time to step back and think about my life. I don’t deserve the hatefulness she gives to me! I know it’s not going to change. I think that I am putting the guilt on myself. I am thinking things through and dealing. Sometimes it takes me awhile to sort things out. It is going to be alright.
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Today I woke in a depression. I have lost 5 pounds this week from the stress with my Mother. I haven’t felt like eating. I finally told myself enough! I pulled myself together and went to the grocery store, did some shopping and came home and made myself a sandwich. I am feeling much better now. I am proud of myself for getting my debts in place with the consolidation and taking back the reins on my life again! Changes are hard but always worth it! I have plans next month to spend time with friends and my Grandson and Daughter’s. Things are looking up!
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Thanks Micky for your post. Gambling just causes misery! I am alright today. I have been out and about, getting papers notarized and then to another place to fax them for the consolidation company. Everything is in place! I thought about working in my yard today but it is extremely windy here. I am a bit lonely but sometimes lonely is good. It is giving me time to self reflect and do things just for me as next month is going to be busy with 2 trips to the city. I am going to be ok.
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