[rebvandever]

Good Morning,

Unfortunately, this story is going to sound familiar and very cliché to this forum. My husband is a compulsive gambler. He was before we married, and I knew it but married him anyway. We’ve been together for 13 years and married for nearly 9 years. We have two amazing children, and he is a stellar father. Probably one of the best, in my opinion. He is a high wage earner and has always contributed financially. He’s also been able to dig himself out of any hole he has created.

I’ll give you the (TL;DR – too long, didn’t read) version of his gambling. He was into online poker. Every few years, he’d go off the rails and get himself into 30k or so worth of debt. He usually just gets a “secret” loan to cover himself. He’d go to GA for 1-5 times and then be done with it. He’s seemingly good for a few years, pays off the loan and then the bottom falls out again. The gambling amounts did get progressively worse. (Classic, I know…) In 2019, he cleared out his 401k and savings and took out a loan. I think he lost probably $200k or maybe more. This nearly ended our marriage. How and why I stayed, I really don’t know. He went into a therapy program for maybe 1-2 months and ultimately got kicked out of his program because he’d rather play golf at the country club. He has never taken recovery very seriously.

A few days ago, I found out he took out another 20k loan and jacked-up his credit card because he’s “investing” in cryptocurrency. I just kind of went numb and realized that… I think I am completely done.

As for me. Mom. Fairly Intelligent (ha). Career-woman, high-wage earner. I am well-read on this subject having dealt with it for so long. I have been in therapy, GAM-ANON, I took out a postnuptial agreement to separate all our finances, consulted multiple attorneys to make sure me and my kids are protected. I have major trust issues,
a lack of respect for my husband, am taking anti-anxiety medication and sometimes drink wine to numb myself.

It’s been a decade of the same pattern. It’s just time to break this cycle. I realize that this is the life I will continue to live because my husband doesn’t take his recovery very seriously and feels he can beat this on his own. I can’t do it anymore.

I am terrified. I have so much guilt with what I know that I need to do. How do I take the next step? How do I leave someone who I still love? My kids are going to be shattered. I love my in-laws — they are the most wonderful people ever. I think I am fearful of taking the next step because I don’t trust myself, and I feel like I am going to destroy everyone with this decision. I don’t want everyone to hate me. I’d really love to hear from someone who has had to take this gut-wrenching step. How did you find the strength to move forward?

How did I let this happen? …

[kimber1]

I am sorry your going thru this. I have also moved out of my home with my husband this week. 25 years together. He had spent the rent money in the casino. I feel you. You have to do what is best for you and your family. I keep thinking I could keep picking up the pieces but sometimes it’s not enough. Virtual ???♀?

[velvet]

Hello Rebvandever
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ??
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ??
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[erin24]

Feeling helpless, Why am I not strong enough to leave him

[velvet]

Hi Rebvandever,

Please leave all thoughts of guilt firmly behind you, you are not responsible for your husband’s gambling.

Do your in-laws know that their son has a serious problem that is hurting you and your life?

I would never suggest to you that you leave your husband and equally I would never suggest that you stay. Only you can, or should, make such a decision. This is ‘your’ life. Give this forum time and maybe drop in to a Friends and Family group where we can communicate in real time and know that whatever is said, will not be repeated. Knowledge of your husband’s problem will help you to make the informed decision that is right for you.

Your husband’s lack of taking his recovery seriously is very concerning, it takes tremendous courage and determination to maintain a life-time commitment to being gamble free, especially when complacency is the devil on his shoulder. Is he aware of your fears for your own health and happiness?

I have never known a compulsive gambler ‘beat this on his own’ and maybe your husband has to hurt himself a lot more before he realises what he is doing to himself and those around him.

I believe 100% that you have the strength to move forward, we are amazing creatures when we become determined especially where our children are concerned. You have made positive moves in the past to protect yourself and I admire you for your post nuptial agreement, becoming well-read on the gambling addiction and attending Gam-Anon. Never forget that you are stronger than your husband’s addiction even if you don’t feel it.

You didn’t let this happen anymore than thousands of others who have found themselves in the middle of a gambling maelstrom through no fault of their own. I also understand why you stayed even when he nearly finished your marriage with his behaviour. Quite simply, you love your husband but sadly, he is allowing an addiction, that has no love for him, to control his life.

I did take the gut-wrenching decision you mention and it was the right thing for me and also for the compulsive gambler in my life – I am happy talking about it but prefer to do so in real time in the privacy of the group. I will answer any question you pose here, however.

Guilt will not help you or him – kick it out, it is an unnecessary waste of your energy.

I am going to leave this reply here and wait for you to post again. You are in my thoughts.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hi Erin

You have posted here which tells me that you are strong and that you want to take control of your life.

Please start your own thread and tell me more about you, so that you can get the replies that you deserve, replies which are just for you.

Velvet

[caribbean blue]

Hi, sorry you are going thru this. It is a very hard decision to make. I am recently separated from my husband who has been gambling for the past 5 1/2 years. I have given him many chances to go to counselling and get help. Too much has happened though and I am very emotional. You have to do what is best for you, your kids and your sanity and well being. It is hard to love someone who does all this and in my husband’s case tells me that he loves gambling. I do feel better being apart from him though. I am not caught up in the gambling cycle. Keep strong.

[lind]

I separated from my husband 6 weeks ago. I live in uk do not prenup and it scared me that he can gamble my whole life away. It’s took me years to build but he can ruin it in one press of a button. I’m lucky to be able to talk to my husband still.
I still love him, it has entirely broken me but I try to remember that im strong and doing this to take care of me and my future. I try to remember that it won’t always feel so devastating as it does now but I know that Iv made the right choice.
I consider that I’m always the adult always looking after us but who is looking after me? I was told to imagine how I would feel if I was still in this situation in 5 years? He broke my trust, he lied, his behaviour makes me worry about my own financial security, it makes me feel physically unwell with worry. I do not want to separate from my husband I don’t want to go through this pain but I realise it’s necessary. Good luck to you in making your decisions

[velvet]

Hi Lind

I hope you will return to this page.

Please start your own thread as I cannot reply to you on another person’s thread.

There is a lot of understanding on this site for you and I hope you will consider joining me in a Friends and Family Group on either Tuesday or Thursday evenings between 7 and 8pm. Its great to ‘talk’ in real time, it is safe and private.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by velvet.

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