[i-did-it]

Same old
Same old

Failures, deceit, cover ups …

[vera]

All these things can be changed I- did -it.
The answers lie with your own soul.
The “bag of tools” awaits pickup!

[charles]

If nothing changes nothing changes….. so, what are you going to do differently?

There will be things that you wish you had done years ago, what can you do now so that you won’t be thinking the same thing next year or the year after?

If nothing changes nothing changes….. true but also sadly not true. This is a progressive problem – if nothing changes then things will get worse.

[Anonymous]

Great move i-can. Never mind, “better late than never” it’s all about today.

Today you wont gamble, and having your betfilter will help you get through the days, that you may have let your guard down, I’m sure that betfilter wont restrict your emails so now might be a good time to email all of the gambling sites’ customer services and ask for permanent self exclusion. Not all will offer a life time exclusion, but those that dont offer a five year max.

I remember your diary, or thread of positivity. I never posted on it I hadn’t much positivity then, but you did.

Your betfilter is most definitely a positive step, and a massive move forward for you. I’m pleased for you.

I dont know exactly what happened to your other thread, but I do know that when you went back to gambling you wouldn’t have been feeling too positive so by your own guidelines wouldn’t have been able to post on it.

The bad times are bad IDI, they never improve, I hope you’ve had your fill of all of this now and your massive positive change, is a massive step in the direction. A step that proves to be the catalyst for a great life long recovery from gambling. There is no reason why it shouldn’t be.

Take care.

Geordie.

[vera]

Well done I -did-it!
Because I can barely master “idiot proof ” phones and never got into Smartphones or iPhones, I really can’t comment on the technological side but I do know that when we “block” one way to gamble, another method will raise it’s ugly head . So my word of caution would be to set up a mental block. If a CG wants to gamble we will always find a way.
Why not stick to one thread here and use the groups more?

[charles]

Well done on installing that blocking software I did it.

[finding_laura]

Great step I did it! You blocked the software! How are you doing with the free time and the urges? Finding anything positive to fill any of that time? I hope you are coping well. Have great gamble free day! Laura

[finding_laura]

I know what you mean about being grateful for the little things (to us) which would be so big to so many. That’s not to minimize your own challenges which are of most importance to you ?? Enjoy the happy days I-did-it. Thanks for posting your update, it made me feel happy for you. Now I’ll go do my post as well. Happy Easter weekend Laura

[finding_laura]

Awesome to hear I did it! Laughter is the greatest medicine and a good source of feel good chemicals. No urges come with time although I don’t know if there is a guarantee of never ever having an urge again. The best part is you didn’t act on any. I too am very grateful today. Laura

[vera]

Glad to read you can’t act immediately on urges, I-did-it.
Sometimes I used to get a thought of gambling in my head , and before I knew it I would be on the way to hell.
Other days I would be more sneaky. I would plan in advance. Have all the “essentials” lined up and head off in cold blood.
The consequences were always the same.
Loss.
Regret.
Tears.
Torture.
Grief.
“Why Oh why”.
I never once said “I’m really happy that I submitted to that urge” but I did say, a thousand time, “I really regret that I wasn’t strong enough to say ‘no’!”
Good to meet you in the Group earlier.
Take care.

[lelbow]

Vera- What you just wrote is SO TRUE!!! It should be on a billboard.

[charles]

Hi I did it, you have had a tough week and can cancel those “plans” stays strong.

Tomorrow you will be back in relative safety but be aware of that as well. I have known people go to Vegas and not gamble, then gamble when they get home and relax.

Stay focused.

[vera]

I had a bittersweet taste of reality tonight at a GA meeting, I- did- it.
An older man sharing and a younger man listening intently…………
The reality for a CG is that we will always be tempted to gamble. Always! It is absurd to think the “condition” will go away. Addiction ebbs and flows depending on the CG’s response. There will be some times when we feel we want/need to gamble. And there will other times when we feel we never want to gamble again. That is as normal for a CG as it is for an alcoholic longing for whiskey and saying “never again” when his/her head aches.
The sight of money. A familiar “casino” /game tune. A certain exit on a certain motorway. The smell of some food that was served in the “den”. The combination of numbers on a car in front of us. A black cat crossing our path. A sudden flash back. A familiar laugh…….everything can remind us of the “fun” gambling brings but the reality is very different .
When you look into the tear filled eyes of a fellow CG who struggles to avoid the gaze of others and listen to him /her attempting to share and at the same time block out the memory because the spoken words bring back so much hurt and pain and when you hear fellow CGs shuffling in in their seats with eyes cast to the floor, knowing that the words also apply to him ,then you will know there is nowhere left to hide. Sitting, reading and writing behind a screen and keyboard can sometimes separate us from reality.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

[micky]

Hi i-did-it thanks for your post on my thread ,yes my world is in colour again not just black and white, i too get urges it’s normal to have them. Our brain tells us to gamble because it makes us feel good ( before we lose everything ) if your right handed your brain tells you to pick up a cup with your right hand , if you tell it to pick the cup up with your left hand over time it will do it automatically. What i’m saying is it’s not your brains fault that it says to you “gamble”, as hard as it is we have to stop, think and keep thinking until the urge subsides.

[micky]

Hi i-did-it pleased you liked my explanation of how our brain works regarding things we do . Sometimes i have to tell myself to slow down as well because i’m trying to do everything at once and right now is no exception , i have a list of stuff to do and iv’e gotten up early to do them ( yet i’m still trying to multi task when theres no need to ) . So iv’e sat down with a cup of tea and read your post and i feel alot better knowing it isn’t just me trying to please everyone. As they say ROME wasn’t built in a day and remember the HARE and TORTOISE race , lets take a leaf out of the Tortoises book.

[vera]

I hear you on the “kindred spirit “friends, I -did-it. Very few of them around. I guess we encounter the people we need to meet at a given time in life (and of course the people we would prefer not to have ever met) . Relationships are a bit like recovery. We get back from them what we put into them (sometimes!) The people close to us are often set aside or undervalued while we waste time looking for a “better deal”.
If I put half the effort into my immediate relationships as I did with the elusive ones, maybe things would have worked out differently. Who knows!
I hope your anxiety has subsided.

[micky]

Thanks for your post i-d-i like you say there are no perfect parents we have all made mistakes, lifes too short to not forgive . There comes a time when you have tried everything but to no avail and it’s time to let go for your own peace of mind. Pleased you doing a home-action plan and keeping busy thats the way to go – keep moving.

[Anonymous]

Hi dee hi,

Thanks for your post. Do you remember the last time I seen you in Charles’ group?

I was humming and harring about my job. Do I take the permanent contract with a pay increase, but this would mean having my salary paid directly into my own account, or stop as I am where my boss only pays me a proportion of my wages every week, and saves the rest for me.

You replied, “Geordie you’re a compulsive gambler”

I promise you the next day I told my boss that I was going to stop with him. You had made my mind up. But since then my boss spoke to the boss where I work and now I’m in the great position where I still get the contract, but my salary gets paid to my current boss. Brilliant.

If I hadn’t have come in the group that night I think I would have probably just have taken the contract for the pension and workers rights, I would have tried to cope with getting my full salary. Hopefully I wouldn’t have gambled but you never know.

You were just off the back of a gambling binge I think, so it goes to show that no matter how far into recovery we are, that we can all help each other.

(Bloody hell, I hope it was you, lol I know it was).

And your lovely post today has put a smile on my face.

Thank you.

[vera]

I found a lot of the above helpful,(or should it be not helpful?) I -Did-it, when I actually wanted to gamble!
Don’t take me up the wrong way please.
I’m not nagging, judging,criticizing, being blunt, comparing situations, challenging, quoting you back out of context etc.

I’m just saying that when I wanted to gamble I needed to eliminate all the people from my life who would hinder my action.
Almost every situation you describe would have applied.
I find reading F and F helpful because it highlights many of the things I chose to overlook or deny i.e. the effect my gambling had on others. Very few CGs confine our spending to “our own” money. Most CGs I have met have spent other peoples’ money. Money we had to beg borrow or steal. Realizing our faults and failings certainly makes a CG want to “escape”.
The things we don’t want to hear are often the very things we need to hear.
Why would a person waste time on a recovery site trying to put another member down?
I just don’t get that and I don’t find it helpful that you would suggest it.
It could put people off trying to offer support.

[micky]

Hi i-d-i so pleased you like the song too it can be very uplifting ?? Just been reading your posts im pretty much the same as you a snapshot can be all singing all dancing then an hour later the snapshot isn’t the same picture. We all have good days , bad days, last tuesday i got up after night shift and i was so wound up and i couldn’t figure out why. Hope your having a good day today .:)

[micky]

Snapshot deffo happy and dog tired early shift again tomorrow .:)

[micky]

Deffo agree on the how i feel is usually reflected in how i present myself i-di-i , when i feel well i want to look well too, keep the snapshots coming there like photos they capture the moment where a video doesn’t. Cheap meals and selling stuff is what i have always had to do as well, it’s nice to have a choice on what we eat and also be able to keep stuff we treasure. Keep taking care of yourself. M.

[micky]

Great snapshot i-d-i you must be feeling absolutely content and calm, i drink tea and it helps me think things through when i’m enjoying a cuppa. ??

[micky]

Thank you i-d-i for your post it means alot when someone says well done , it’s a real confidence booster.

[micky]

Hi i did it, i’m okay thanks still reflecting on what happened last weekend, well done on not trying to chase the loss you have had , hope you are keeping well apart from your recent hiccup . M.

[vera]

Well done on writing what must have been a difficult post, I-Did-It.
Gambling will always have a hold on us until we surrender and admit that we are totally powerless over the addiction.
I always said “I know I become powerless when I gamble ” but I think part of my brain believed that somewhere deep down I actually could have limited control.
It was only when I listened around the rooms at GA meetings that the proverbial penny dropped and I fully accepted
a) Compulsive gamblers NEVER win. (Ergo, why gamble?)
b) No “barrier” will prevent a CG from gambling until our mindset changes.
c)There is no need to struggle with “urges”if we turn things around to the point where we make gambling an impossibility.
You summed it up in one word.
“Access”
As well as access to the Gambling Site, you also had access to money.
Maybe it is time to surrender all access to money and to the “weapons” that allow you to gamble i.e phone, laptop, ipad
Giving those to your husband to lock away at night might be a start.
After my huge loss, I gave my husband the lead for the lap top every night and told him to hide it away. He had no clue why. I just said “I’m spending too much time online during the night”.
You CAN stop gambling I- did -it.
Every time I gambled I was convinced “This is my life. I will never be able to change it”
I did change it
“I -did -it”
So can you!

[Anonymous]

IDI why don’t you just get a big standard phone, without internet access?

You posted on another thread recently, that it would do no harm to have some barriers in place, “just in case”. Maybe it’s time you excluded from the gambling sites.

I agree 100% with Vera, about barriers. It dosnt matter what barriers are in place if we want to gamble, we’ll climb those barriers.

I also agree, that after gambling again, after long spells of abstainance I’ve thought that it was my lot in life I was doomed, I was beyond help, a hopeless case. Different to everybody else, there’s nobody as f*****ed up as me. Of course all a load of cobblers.

Why do you still have access to money? Maybe now is the time to make bigger changes to reduce the chance of this happenning again, I hope you’ve got your frying pan btw!

Barriers won’t fix your gambling but they will certainly hinder it.

Take care

Geordie

[micky]

Thanks for your advice on moving forward i-d-i i have already planned my day for tomorrow .

[micky]

Things really are on the up i-d-i , planning ahead day by day really helps, monday was blood donors day , today dentist app, filling in the gaps really works , tomorrow i’m going for a walk.

[kathryn]

Ive just read right through your thread.
Firstly well done on that blocker, yes, there was a little blip there, it really does come down to means and opportunity and I was happy to read you have ensured there is no more opportunities on your phone!
I agree with what you say about still wanting to gamble, ive never really thought about it that hard before but you are right. ….. having the barriers are such a help. Because you KNOW you cant do it, you tend to think about something else. What a godsend really!!!! In saying that, I’m sure people find other ways…..me, I’m too lazy to look for them not to mention too busy! I often wonder where I found the time to spend those countless hours in a venue. I guess I didn’t sleep very much back then, out late at night and just functioning in the morning….ugh.
Busy is good. I have a trip booked with my best friend for October, we have both taken on extra work to pay for some of it and our motto at the moment is ‘no one ever died from being tired’ (well, unless you fall asleep at the wheel of a car or something) along with ‘we will sleep when we are dead’!
My life is a bit overwhelming at the moment, with work, home, my daughter is about to have a baby, trying to plan this trip etc. Usually I would run to the venue and zombie out. Too much for my brain to process so lets just gamble and not think about it…which in turn gives me more stress, a constant sick feeling in my stomach, headaches and eyes that look like 2 spoons of jam (that’s Veras description, very accurate!! lol).
When I first stopped gambling I remember posting about not knowing what to do because I didn’t feel sick anymore and I had been feeling sick for so long it felt abnormal not to feel sick! How warped is that!
Anyway, my point (if there is one) is that my exclusion barrier has given me my life back.
Whatever works….we are all different and I think we just need to find our own way towards recovery. Thankfully this site (and others) gives us some guidance on how to do that. I guess its just a matter of whether we are ready to take it on board and actually take action. I think I may be babbling here!!! I really just wanted to say hi, to say that I’m following your journey and I am happy you are doing what you need to for your recovery.
Take care, K xxxx

[micky]

Hi i-d-i hope your keeping well and still in the right mindset , iv’e changed mine totally about some things that i can’t control ( not gambling ones) but ones which affect me greatly.

[charles]

Hi I did it.

Well done on having those barriers in place.

What plans can you have in place before next weekend so that your time and thoughts are tied up elsewhere? So that you won’t be able to spend that amount of time trying to cicumvent your barriers but have other interests to enjoy?

Keep posting, hopefully see you in a group soon.

[micky]

Thanks i-d-i good analogy , i like it.

[zdravko]

Once You go too far.. You can not do anything different!!! YOU JUST NEED TO START DOING OTHER THINGS…. CAUSE YOU ALREADY LOST EVERYTHING GAIN IN THE PAST …So try not to think what you should change but what new could you do in order to rebuild the positive leftover of your life !

[vera]

I’m delighted that you are going for a “premium” holiday, I-did-It, instead of a settling for a lower grade hotel and flight. You might as well go in style if you are going at all.
Of course you will have money in the future. All you need do is refrain from gambling. ( Maybe you might even meet a rich toy boy LOL!)
Hope you have a ball!

[micky]

Hi i-d-i whens the holiday ?

[vera]

Going today???
Enjoy your holiday.

[Paul2017]

I’m catching up on all the posts and goings-on in the life of us CG’s… i hope you enjoy your hols and reading your blogs it helps me understand that I should always be looking to change going forward…knowing that you are changing and going on a nice holiday gives me inspiration..i hope you have a great time…

[kathryn]

I’m not sure when youre due back from your trip but I hope you had a FABULOUS time.
I just read my last post to you, I wasn’t a granny yet and now I am!!!! Oh my lord!!! That child, I cannot describe how I feel about him, little Tex, sooooo absolutely delicious and of course the perfect child!!! LOL
He is now 2 weeks old. My daughter and I took him to see my mum (who has dementia) yesterday. I got the most beautiful photos of them, she pushed the pram around the facility with my daughter and she absolutely adored Tex, she likes boys the best (so she said) but the joy on her face was one of the most precious things I have ever seen. A moment in time that will never be forgotten.
I really hope you had a wonderful time away. You deserve it. You have worked so hard. Things like that give us a glimpse of what we really can do when we focus on recovery. That is living my friend, and in then end, isn’t that what we all want?
To live a gamble free life.
Sure, its not all roses, but wow, what we can achieve when we aren’t consumed by this addiction.
Well done to you!!!!
Take care,
Love K xxx

[Anonymous]

Hey I-D-I are you back yet. How’d it go?

[Anonymous]

hello

[kathryn]

Just a little Gday to you from down under!!!!
Drop a line when you get a chance.
Hope you are well and happy,
Love Kxxxx

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting on my thread I D I, it’s already been of some use posting one of my horror stories if it’s helped get you back to posting ways.

You are not a lost cause. I don’t believe any of us are. I have felt that way many times in my life. I felt there was no hope and I didn’t deserve to live. Even since my coma there have been times after gambling when I truly wished I hadn’t survived it.

I know you do struggle a lot of the time, so did I, so did Vera. I’m not going to patronise you I D I, but maybe drastic steps need to be taken by you now.

I’m still at work and got to go but are you aware that GMA now have residential places for women. It might be worth you asking on the GT helpline about it. It might just help.

Thanks again for your post.

(Wondering if you got on holiday, btw).

Got to dash.

Take care

[vera]

Sometimes, I -did-it, CGs get impatient when we don’t see instant progress. We can’t expect to see any improvement unless we push ourselves in the right direction. It’s like swimming against the tide sometimes but if we want to survive we have to stop threading water and push ourselves forward.
In my experience , it is only when I suffer enough that I will do something to relieve the suffering.
There is a big difference between “relief” and a “cure”.
Relief, for me when I was enabled to gamble further i.e. by getting loans and by finding enablers.
As soon as the rug was pulled from under my feet, everything changed.
Mind you, I had to kick that rug from under my own feet at times by “coming clean”.
“Relief” is comforting.
A “cure” is painful.
No pain, no gain!
When we realize that we are powerless over gambling, the urges subside.
The only thing that keeps a gambler in action, is the false belief that there is something to be gained by gambling.
That’s my twopence worth for today.
I fooled myself and made excuses for years.
Stop looking for easy options. They don’t exist!

[vera]

CGs are probably the most likely people to be deemed “Toxic” when we are in action, but in my experience most people have more good than bad in them. Personally, I dislike the term “toxic”! Our perception of others is not always clear when we are gambling. Everyone who refused to enable me could have been seen as a “toxic *************** ” but when I changed, most of their “toxic” flaws seemed to have no effect on me! I try to apply the adage “Judge not and you will not be judged” these days. Taking the “plank from my own eye” is more difficult than “seeing the mote in my brother’s eye”!!!
GA is not for everyone, I-did-it. The only requirement needed is a desire to stop gambling. You say you don’t want to be free from gambling, yet you want to be free from the compulsion -the addiction. I was honestly the same as you.

I felt if gambling was removed I would have no life.

GA will help you to see that from a different viewpoint. I’ve met hundreds of people in GA. Some , I relate well to. Others don’t interest me in the least but I have to admit that everyone I have met genuinely wants recovery for themselves and for other members. Unity, Honesty and Openness are the key requirements from what I have observed by attending approximately 200 meetings over a span of 80 weeks.
The opposite (Dishonesty, Secrecy, Singularity) are the things that make gambling possible for a CG.
These are the traits that destroy us.
Gambling and the “hangover” go hand in hand. (Like the old song “Love n Marriage”!!)
We can’t have one without the other!

[vera]

Nobody in GA or in GT will suggest that you can never gamble again, I-DID-IT.
It’s always “just for today”.
Don’t let anyone’s written word put you off. Paper won’t refuse ink!

[charles]

Hi I didit, I look forward to hearing how your meeting goes. As Vera has said, none of us need to “never gambler again” that’s waaaaay too scary. We just have to choose to not gamble today and to put the things in place that will make us more likely to be able to achieve that.

A Cg might not deliberately choose to hurt famly but of course we all make choices. For a long period many of us chose to deceive. cheat, lie, be less than honest with our “loved ones.”

Addiction can cause a lot of undesirable traits, addressing those traits is what make the difference between abstinence and recovery.

The “toxic” person at work? I can’t comment as I don’t know the situation. Who knows she may have had her own problems, even an addiction, that she wasnt addressing at the time. None of us can change the actions of others but we can all choose to take the positive steps we need to take to address our addiction.

Again, i look forward to hearing how that meeting goes.

[micky]

Hi i-did-it thanks for your post on my thread means alot , i’m really happy your doing well now that bastard of a boss can’t get you down anymore ?? keep posting on how your doing in recovery . Micky.

[Anonymous]

Hi I D I

Just spent 90 mins writing a reply to your honest post only to find it’s disappeared.

Did you delete it, or was it removed?

Anyway I might be way off the mark here and am sure you’ll put me straight if I am.

I don’t know when it is you last gambled and it’s not really correct for me to speculate, but reading between the lines of the missing post, I would think it was quite recently.

I had to read that post half a dozen times but did get the gist of it eventually.

We all come to GT for the same reason, to get support or help with our own battles against compulsive gambling. I think that sometimes it is easy to forget this and get involved in other people’s situations too heavily, and that does our own recoveries no good at all.

I wouldn’t let anyone or anything said prevent me from posting about my own problems, even if I thought somebody was getting kicks out of seeing me struggle or suffer.

I might be completely wrong IDI but I reckon that you’ve gambled recently and can’t bring yourself to post about it, and if I’m right and that is the case you are not doing yourself any favours.

Never mind what others think or say if you are struggling spill the beans, confession is good for your recovery. I must be honest and say that since you posted you were going on holiday and then never posted anything about it ( the holiday), I’ve thought something went wrong. I do hope that I’m wrong about this.

Nobody is doomed to a life of gambling hell, nobody. And no body will convince me otherwise.

A few months ago you posted about things you didn’t want to see on your thread, but if people only tell us what we want to hear then what is the point of such a forum as this?

Deflecting from our own issues is a big trait amongst CGs, I do really hope I’m wrong, but I think you are doing exactly that.

I’m not going on at you, it’s your life and you’ve used this forum long enough to know how recovery works.

Sorry if I’m wrong, out of interest when is the last time you gambled.

Got to go I’m at work

Take care

Geordie.

[i-did-it]

Geordie , that is a lovely comforting post – I had a brilliant holiday – and probably the best Summer ever – I will tell u more about it if we come across each other in a group.
Im not sure I have ever been gamble free – well not in recent years – but i have made progress- I have savings , debts are reduced and gambling incidents have also been greatly reduced . Recently however I feel I am falling back to old ways . At times I am amazed by how clever I can be – I have found a very complex method of getting round my gambling blocker (which I pay for )- and yet at how stupid I can be – I still think I will lose a tenner and stop and why pay for a blocker and then try get round it – hardly the actions of an intelligent person.

Thank you for writing so kindly , respectfully and considerately towards how fragile I feel right now . I feel I am good at giving encouraging support. I try to help people look forward and see a good future but when I make a mistake it feels like people think it will help me to kick me when I’m down. It doesn’t help – it just makes me want to stop “support”. In fact I came on here right now to close my account and your post has really helped me .
At this stage I have probably heard everything I need to hear in terms of what I should do – but I feel encouraged that you say no one is doomed to a life of gambling .
You are right – it doesn’t matter if someone laughs or enjoys my struggle – none of us have perfect lives . I am hesitant to post as I explained in my deleted post . I have tried to explain this for a couple of years now and no one gets it- I’m not sure if you really get that this been a real difficulty for me but somehow your post has reduced that fear .

So how Do i feel right now Geordie ?
I feel I will never stop gambling
I feel afraid .
I feel a fraud
I feel I am the worse mother in the world
I feel the future is bleak
I feel trapped
I feel I really have no one to talk to about my struggles
I feel too fragile for the interrogations which never help me
I feel too fragile for the “straight talk” which feels like I am being physically punched
I worry this addiction will eventually be the end of me

But mostly I feel totally alone with this because I am unable to access support which might help me . I am unable because I am the way I am .

I want support to be somewhere I feel I can open up and say this happened , this is how I feel – please help me see a better future , one which gives me hope .
Your post did that for me today – so thank you .

[Anonymous]

I don’t have time to do a proper post but I’m pleased you received my post well.

I’m going to Devon in a minute for a few days but I will endeavour to do a detailed reply when I’m there.

Gambling changes who we are in so many ways IDI.

One day I’m sure it will fall into place, look at P, look at Vera, you’ve read my “horror story” post… look at me.

I really got to get going but I promise you I’ll post in the next few days.

[charles]

Hi I did it, well done on posting.

The title of this thread is “If nothing changes nothing changes.”

You can have a beter future, you can have hope, the things you can change will help you achieve that.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie and Charles – I appreciate both your replies.
I think I am slowly getting back to me – I am still feeling fragile – I think that’s the word that best describes it . I feel like I could easily break. I think others notice it whether they realise it or not – I find in work people are going out of their way to be kind and helpful and I sense in their tone they can see I’m fragile . I guess they know I’m not myself right now.

I have a worry – one which I can’t write about on here – one I should have faced but instead escaped into gambling . I love my child so dearly – he is my life – and yet sometimes I wonder if I’m strong enough to cope with the worries children bring . I am finding it more difficult to pull it together and keep going – full time mother / full time work outside the home . I look around and I see my shortcomings everywhere .
When I post now it make me cry.

Worries come and go in life I guess – our ability to cope changes but we get there – what I can clearly see is that escaping to gambling is akin to pouring petrol on a burning house . It can only make things worse.

[i-did-it]

I realise I have had the most horrendous jet lag for several days now – I crossed a lot of time zones last week but at last I am feeling a little better ! . I feel better after sleeping for half the day .

I like to read other threads – it helps me and allows me to support others . I have to admit I go through dry spells when I can’t seem to write and other times I can’t seem to stop .

I notice some people write all over other people’s threads ( I can be like that at times ) while rarely posting on their own.

I find it “disconcerting ” and ” off putting” to find my thread referenced in a negative way on the thread of another person… there is certainly not a plank in my eye when it comes to reading what is written in black and white .

[Anonymous]

Surely the whole point of an open forum is for us all to express ourselves, be that on our own threads, or the threads if others.?

You say people have been referring to your thread in a negative way, if that is the case surely it’s their problem .

What I think should be the primary reason we are all here is to get support for ourselves. It is horrible when people misconstrue us but unfortunately with the written word it is inevitable at times.

You put a list of rules on your thread a few months ago listing what you did and did not want to see posted on it. Stating somethings people posted was not helping you.

The truth hurts I D I, if you’re not open to criticism and only want to get accolades and pats on the back are you really ready to quit.

Personally I think for any of us to get in to recovery certain sacrifices have to be made. You have betfilter on your iPhone and since you’ve had it you regularly post about attempting or successfully by passing the betfilter. What is the point of that.

iPhones are not a necessity, I know if I gambled on mine and was making a serious effort to stop gambling, then one major sacrifice I’d make would be my iPhone. Why is it so important to you to have an iPhone?

Gambling is screwing you, your life, and that of your family over and over and over again. You don’t need to gamble, you need to stop gambling.

I don’t think you want to.

[i-did-it]

I guess Geordie I would prefer if people had something to say they were forthright and wrote it on my thread just as you did today – that I respect – like most people I imagine, I don’t like reading other people’s threads and finding my faults referenced there . I have had some bad experiences on here – hence the rules I set on my old thread which allowed me the space to get back to feeling comfortable posting. You will notice I no longer use that thread .

On the bright side I have had a gamble free week (encouraged by your post Geordie ), I have got past my issue with posting after a couple of years (again encouraged by your post) and i think I might have discovered the secret to happiness – early nights !! I am going to bed at 9.30 and waking up naturally around six and I feel like a new person.

Yes last weekend I got past my gambling blocker so yes I will have to get rid of the iphone – in fact I got past it in a way which means I will unlikely ever be able to own a smartphone again. That is an absolutely huge deal to me – I guess I’m addicted to my phone also – the iPhone was one of the few ‘things’I ever really desired – mostly cos I can do so much work on it . I adore watching Netflix on there but of course if I maintain my gamble free time I can easily afford a tv for my bedroom. I love to use my step counter but I guess if I’m gamble free I can afford a fit bit – I love my iBooks . It’s not that is important to me to have an iPhone it’s that I really love the apps on there . Despite my gambling and my desire to win I am not really materialistic – maybe that’s why I keep playing and never cash out . It won’t bother me to have a simpler phone .

Contrary to what you perceive from my thread Geordie I really appreciate your straight talking – you are so right about the phone – and even though I kinda thought that somewhere it is really helpful to read it in black and white – constructive criticism is always welcome and constructive advice is always helpful .

Finally, yes once again you have made me feel better about the post on the other thread – it is not my problem what others write – it is 100% their problem and I am not going to waste another moment of my life worrying about it . I always try to live my life by the rule “live and let live”, and I need to remember the “live” bit !

Thank you for taking the time to write me Geordie – you have a way with words that helps me see things clearer – sometimes I get bogged down and distracted from the real purpose of my thread – to help me in recovery .

[p]

Thanks for posting to me

Im really glad you are here. You are doing well by being here, by coming to chat, by continuing to get back up. You’ve achieved things at the same time. Your holidays, your job, your family. Youre doing a lot of good things, keep trying for recovery, just keep trying. Whatever it takes no matter how long it takes, persevere

P

[i-did-it]

Thank you P for your encouragement. I guess I am slower at getting there than most – but I do try to brush myself down, get up and try again as soon as I can. I try not to let a slip turn into a full relapse. Harry advised me one time on the helpline that a slip isn’t a full relapse and i have always tried to remember that .
I hAd it all set up with a “friend” to go to GA last week but in the end they didn’t want me there with them – and rather than be honest about it they picked an argument – we live and learn . This way I suppose they can pretend to themselves that they are right (as always). I have no idea what they were even arguing about but I have taken a big step back from them. I need to surround myself with people who are helpful to my recovery . I guess I learned that recovery is really a journey that we need to travel alone and we really shouldn’t depend on anyone .

I know you get a lot from GA. P, but I can imagine nothing worse for me – I find all that sharing stuff hard – and yes I also find the judgement of others hard too . However despite that I am going to try make it to a meeting soon – I guess you can’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

I’m so glad to read how well you are doing . I think about how people talk about working on our character flaws and I can’t imagine you have any – you are one of the kindest , most supportive people on here – your posts lift my day and fill with encouragement, determination and hope .
It’s day 8 for me p – I’m not going to remember days ( it kept deleting the c o u n t word ?) but somehow the never ending urges have subsided -i think the early nights help- I guess it’s difficult to achieve anything when we are constantly tired and I did most of my gambling at night when the rest of the family was asleep.

Keep well and thank you as always for your support .

[i-did-it]

I read a few things in the last day which I would like to share-

If you had ￡65,000 in sAvings and someone stole a tenner- would you spend the rest trying to get it back? Sadly this is exactly how those of us with gambling addiction think.

The second thing I read was on judgement . While we can share many experiences , no two of us will have exactly the same experiences in terms of challenges, losses, shocks, tragedies, relationships , sadnesses, worries and therefore not one of us should point the finger at another until we have walked in their shoes. We should not feel we know the motives of others or what makes them tick . This struck a chord with me as it something which holds me back – over thinking the thoughts and motives of others which no matter how clever a person likes to think they are – are simply down to imagination.
You learn a lot when you read !

[Anonymous]

Ho dee ho, I dee I.

See you’re early to bed, early to rise is still paying off.

Great post too, food for thought.

Sorry I havnt posted back to you yet I’ve been so busy I am hoping to catch up on my posting later on today after I’ve had a bit more sleep am absoloutly shattered.

Just read this and found it very thought provoking.

Hope you have a good day. Gambling though man….why did we ever do it?

Hope you’re having another day off from it, I am.

[i-did-it]

People respect honesty – it’s so easy to be honest when we are talking about others – it’s easy to be honest then. When it comes to having to say stop I don’t want to hear gossip, I don’t want your opinion on that person. When it comes to standing over the truth, even when it exposes our own mistakes – that’s harder.
In the past day I have gained a new respect for someone and lost a lot of respect for another all because of honesty or the lack of it .
We all remember being in a situation where we knew what was truth and people lied to save their own skin or to look good.

Following the theme of my last post about “imagining”what others’ motives are when we have no idea what is in anyone else’s mind- I guess I have to accept that some people make might not be self aware enough to even realise that they have lied. Doesn’t make it any easier when you are the fall- guy !

[charles]

Hi I did it, if anyone chooses to go to GA then they should be going for themselves. If you were set up to go to GA last week then the reasons you chose to go are still there. What anyone else did/didn’t do doesn’t change that. If you find judgement hard then you wouldn’t find any at a meeting though – everyone else there will have done things they aren’t proud of as well.

I have never counted my days either, I know my anniversary date but that’s it. Our last bet isn’t important any more – it’s the date of our next bet we have to worry about and we can all choose to make that date NOT TODAY.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Charles – good advice on all issues.

Today I am thinking how blessed I am- I have a lovely little family (which also like most mums are the main source of my worries ). I have a great extended family and we all get on most of the time. I have been blessed through my darkest days that I have managed to drag myself to work and maintain my job- which is so much more than a job to me – even today after more than two decades I sometimes am amazed that I love my work so much – it’s not a job – it’s a vocation .
I think of all I have read about if you follow your passion you will get rich – it’s not true – but you get up every day and feel blessed to do what you do.

Overall I have so much to be grateful for.
I used to think why me with this addiction but when I look at my life I have been dealt a Pretty good deal overall.

So this morning I am feeling blessed.

[micky]

So Pleased your feeling blessed and happy i-did-it , great to read of your happiness . M.

[i-did-it]

I feel so lonely today – it’s not that I have spent the whole day alone – so I’m not sure why I feel like this .
Could it be that I don’t know how to really manage my time when I’m not working. I don’t know how to fill it with things to enjoy – I feel lonely for my child even though he is upstairs- he needs me so less now .
I know what would fill this empty feeling very nicely – Gambling!

[kathryn]

I’ve posted this many times so now I’m posting it to you, there’s a word, HALT- hungry, angry,lonely,tired. When I first started here someone (I think it was Laura) posted it to me and it’s stuck, whenever I had a bad urge in the early days I would think of those words, and usually it was one of them that was causing the urge. I know what you mean about your son, they just seem to drift off and start doing their own things…..you can be lonely in a room full of people! Time to start looking around for something for you!!! Like Lizbeth said, we need to love ourselves a little more. Gambling is one of the most isolating addictions I think, we get used to being ‘alone’ with our machine.
I hope you are feeling better, imagine how crappy you would feel if you gambled, that’s one of the lowest feelings I know!
Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Kathryn- I have never heard that before – HALT. I like that – I am going to make it my screen saver on my phone .

I really need help with something . I have just researched GA again. I found one which sensibly posted lots of of GA materials like “just for today” – I have never seen any materials before from GA. Some of it made me chuckle cos instead following the advice to not criticise, my mind went straight to think about the members I know who are not following that advice – which was exactly what I was not meant to do !! I am most unkind!

I need help because there is a meeting I can attend soon but my mind is going in two directions.

One part of my brain sees hope , freedom , sunshine and a really good life if I just drag myself to GA.

The other part sees humiliation , shame , embarrassment and the whole world knowing . I can’t bring my self to trust the confidentiality of GA .
One part of my mind is really hopeful – the other is really frightened.
One part wants to attend a local meeting because it is achievable- the other part of me wants to do a hundred and fifty mile round trip to attend where I’m not known (which usually means I will be too tired for the drive after work).

I have struggled for so many years with this- there is a phone number you can ring – I’m even really scared to ring that number . I have no idea who will answer.
I have no idea why it is such a big deal for me . I guess it’s that I don’t really trust other people – I’m not sure even if I went that I would be able to open up- ever.
I have a tiny bit of hope that I will be writing that I went and yet I know I won’t be writing that.

[Monica1]

Hi, I did it. I have now been to 4 meetings of GA. I can honestly say in my five and a half year gambling habit GA is the thing that is helping me most. I found counselling with gamcare and the national problem gambling clinic pretty useless. GA is founded on spiritual principles and fellowship. You will not find any judgment there. And some people’s stories are worse than my own. I find compassion and humility from attending and also practical help in embarking on the 12 step programme. I have just started on it with a sponsor. I also care about other people finding out but really I think this is a minor worry compared to the benefit of the programme. I believe it will help me to get myself back to who I used to be only better.

[Monica1]

Hi, I did it. I have now been to 4 meetings of GA. I can honestly say in my five and a half year gambling habit GA is the thing that is helping me most. I found counselling with gamcare and the national problem gambling clinic pretty useless. GA is founded on spiritual principles and fellowship. You will not find any judgment there. And some people’s stories are worse than my own. I find compassion and humility from attending and also practical help in embarking on the 12 step programme. I have just started on it with a sponsor. I also care about other people finding out but really I think this is a minor worry compared to the benefit of the programme. I believe it will help me to get myself back to who I used to be only better.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your post, have only just seen it sorry. I’ve been meaning to post all week but just haven’t had a minute to spare.

I get where you’re coming from with regards to GA, I used to feel that there was some stigma attached to it, and I’d hate for one of my “normal” associates to bump into me on the way in or out. I’ve had a lot of periods when I’ve been an avid attender.

My philosophy that I apply to myself is, “what’s more humiliating, going and seeing what it’s all about and risking either a breach in anoynimity or somebody seeing me, or spending all my money again, again, and not being able to provide for myself and family”. Every time I gambled money that I shouldn’t have I embarrassed and humiliated myself. By going to GA I hoped I would stop doing that and if anyone I knew seen me tough, I have a problem and I’m going for help.

I know it does seem nerve racking, it’s got to be worth it though.

It’s easy for me to say go to your local one, but I think that’s what I would do.

Take care.

[charles]

Hi I did it. Look at those blessing you mentioned. Now think; the addiction means that there is just ONE thing in life we can not do.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica , Geordie and Charles –
I can’t quite believe I am writing this – but I went to GA tonight.
Not like the last times I went – when I made it to the gate – I actually went inside and met people – and strangely enough they didn’t seem like they were just there to go out and gossip about me (lol).
Sometimes I over think things so much I get caught up in the drama in my head . I’m not sure I will ever be able to sit and talk freely the way the men and women did tonight – something seems to hold me back .
But I have admitted to someone face to face that I struggle with this addiction and that’s new for me .
Thank you again everyone for your much valued support .

[vera]

Well done I did it!
One day at a time!

[Monica1]

Well done for going to GA. I was at rock bottom 4 weeks ago when I went. Still have same issues and problems caused by gambling but I have found true fellowship there and I feel differently to how I did. Keep posting about your journey I did it.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica and Vera .

I can’t believe how differently I feel – the secret is out and I feel something that was closed inside of me had opened .
I woke this morning and for the first time ever I truly saw my partner as a person who I actually am quite fond of – a week ago I could not understand why people got upset when their husbands left – I craved that kind of freedom.
Today I’m thinking he’s got so many good qualities – but I have been living a lie for so many years – my energy has been consumed with not getting caught .
Not with stopping gambling – simply with not getting caught .
Because in truth I never wanted to stop- I just wanted to be able to fund it. My dream holiday is vegas. Just so I can do the same thing I do from my bedroom every week- play slots !
Each time I join a new site I quickly become a VIP (I spend a lot) and I get VIP treatment from my account manager . In truth I like being a VIP- I like to pretend to some anonymous stranger thousands of miles away that a grand is nothing to me .

Yet at home I have had VIP treatment for years , and really behaved in the most brattish manner as if it was my due . I have used manipulation and played the victim to avoid doing my share of the housework. I have treated my partner as less important than me – in truth I have always seen him as less important than me .
I’m not sure why ,but I can see myself so much clearer today and a lot of what I see isn’t nice .

[vera]

When “our game is up”it brings relief but we need to step up on our awareness. Even after I owned up and admitted to my husband that I had lost a fortune, I still managed to run a side show for about 6 years . I continued gambling. I reassured myself that because I had “come clean” I was no longer at risk of being caught. I fooled MYSELF. In the end the secrecy took it’s toll. It was far more damaging than the gambling itself. At this point, I had narrowed down my “significant others” to only the few who would enable me . I had pushed everyone else away. I think a CG has an innate ability to target the vulnerable .
GA helps to keep members grounded. It is very humbling when you meet someone who is illiterate and yet displays more wisdom than the so called big shots who boast about their academic achievements. GA is a simple programme designed for very clever people. I have met more interesting/intelligent people in GA than I did in any other walk of life.
I still have no idea how GA works!

[Monica1]

Completely agree with Vera. I have met some wonderful and sensitive people in GA. Many addicted people are what I would call great souls. I am finding GA incredibly hopeful and supportive. I am waking up to myself. Some of what we look at isn’t pretty but I am glad to have the opportunity to look at it without fear.

[Monica1]

I was also a Vip on a number of sites. Just for me I used to call it very idiotic person! It keeps its hooks in you that way. We are a VIP because we are giving them loads of our money for nothing!

[Anonymous]

I was also VIP but used to call myself Vulnerable Impatiant Plonker.

[Anonymous]

Sounds as if its done you the world of good I D I, I really hope that you do go back.

I hope you’ve taking some real inspiration from P and Vera, I wasnt a slot head (sorry if thats offensive), I done a different sort of gambling as you know but they were both as bad as you and look at them now.

Nobody will ever convince me that they are doomed to a life of gambling addiction, its simply not true. It is a choice, a choice that we can all say no to. We have all proved we can get through a day without gambling, we just have to choose not to gamble each and every day. Simple.

You have made a massive stride towards a better life for yourself. A big change and I’m pleased and proud of you for doing so.

Keep it up.

[i-did-it]

For today I will not gamble !

[micky]

For today i will not gamble either , i’m with you i-did-it. M.

[i-did-it]

I can’t remember when I last blew it so completely and spectacularly.
I can’t remember when I last felt such pain and shame .
I had forgotten the days of plotting and planning, counting and adding – surviving with no sleep.
I have no one left to talk to.
I have no one to help prop me up when I’m thinking I don’t want to even try to stand .
There is a black pit inside me and I fear it will swallow me .
My thoughts are going places no mother’s thoughts should ever go .

I texted someone from GA- I don’t even know who- just a number on a card .
It helped me feel there is a future .
No questions, no criticism- just support and hope .
– I felt appreciated for helping another member.
How can such a monumental fail be helpful to someone else ?

I just want to crawl somewhere and hide away
But that’s not an option for mums .

[worriedmama]

I’m so sorry IDI. You did the next right thing and text someone from your group. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it right now but it is a victory.

This too shall pass.

Cathy

[Monica1]

You are not alone I did it. We are all battling with this insidious addiction. What happened? I am glad there was someone from GA to call.

[kathryn]

I felt your pain oozing through that post and all I thought was, I want to make you a cuppa.
That feeling, that God awful gut wrenching heart smashing feeling.
Gambling is the most revolting, soul destroying addiction , its silent and sneaky, it chews you up and spits you out.
There’s nothing I can say that you haven’t already said to yourself.
Yes it’s set you back, but it hasn’t beaten you.
You made the call
You posted here
You aren’t alone
One day, one hour, one minute at a time my friend.
Love K xxx

[Monica1]

Hi, thanks for your post on my journal. Maybe I can adapt my learning to a Christian way. I will give that to Jesus to work on. Please let us know how you are doing I did it.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Kathryn Monica and Cathy for taking the time to post me .
I am feeling somewhat better- dragged myself off to a family event and tried to carry on. In a way it helped because I was out of my environment and for a while I could let go of the worries which I couldn’t do anything about anyway . I think I feel numb- like I can’t bear to think about what happened – no not what happened- what I did .

I would love to say that I completely feel never again but already I was shocked to find myself thinking all I need to do is make a bigger deposit so I can play for longer to win back –

I so wish I didn’t have this addiction- it’s a constant battle – I think it is time I did everything by the book- no short cuts, no maybes, no half measures. I need to throw everything I have at this . Everything .

I won’t know until tomorrow if I can get my finances back on track. I’m hoping my recent year of managing my finances and saving will allow me to get past this episode.
I hope to write a post tomorrow where I have taken all the steps I need to, have attended GA (my second meeting ) and am looking forward.

For today I’m here , I’m posting and I am trying to pick up the pieces.

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting I did it. Like you when out of my home environment I never gamble. The issues are all to do with home. I am glad you haven’t taken things down to 0 as I did. That is the next stage I did it. You are so right to throw your all into it. That is what it will take. It is the enemy out to destroy and it will. I am glad you are finding some support from GA. we cannot do this on our own. That I know from many fruitless attempts to give up on my own. Even with therapy I did not stop. Hitting your own personal rock bottom is when recovery starts. Let us know how you get on.

[charles]

Hi I did it, well done on coming here and posting about what happpened.

As someone said, we can feel your pain. Use that pain and put everything into it, as you say – no short ctus.

It’s a progressive addiction and it sounds like you scared the hell out of it by going to GA, it is trying to fight back. Don’t let it, do the things that your addiction wouldn’t want to do!

Keep posting, I hope you make that meeting tonight.

[kathryn]

You’re still breathing and doing what you need to, be it in a state of shock and numbness! Just keep doing those things you need to for now, don’t look too far forward and if you can ( the most difficult thing) don’t look back.
8 years ago, when I found this site, I took all advise given to me, put up every barrier I could, posted and lived on this site constantly, spent hours and hours talking to Harry on the helpline (there were only 2 of them back then) and I have to say, without that, I don’t know where I would be. I had to sell my home to cover my gambling debts, it was a devastating time in my life, and I truly thought I was going to be left with nothing.
I guess my point is that every single little bit of help, support, advice is valuable.
Do as much as you can, no excuses, and ensure this doesn’t happen again.
You deserve so much more than what gambling gives.
Take care, love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Thank u Charles ,Kathryn and Monica –
I am gradually feeling better.
Tonight however I am thinking of Kathryn’s HALT.
I feel hungry (well chocolate cravings ), some kind of anger about unfairness, very lonely and yup I’m tired .
I’m wondering does one emotion feed the next .

My recent “fall” has affected my sleep .
It’s not that I can’t sleep – it’s that I haven’t been making an effort to get to bed early . Because I have gambled I seem to be letting everything go – I seem to feel I need to deprive myself even of sleep .

So tonight I am calling HALT on this downward spiral.
Tonight I am going to pamper myself with a nice bath and then take an early night .
Tonight I am going to remind myself that despite my shortcomings I deserve to care for myself.

[p]

Hi I Did It

Hoping you are going well today. I hope you had a relaxing bath and good sleep. You do deserve good things, be nice to yourself.. just take it one day at a time… baby steps.

Keep going I Did It.. Im thinking of you

P

[i-did-it]

Thanks P. I got my finances kinda sorted and I immediately thought I would treat myself to new trousers – I thought this is better than gambling – and five minutes later I thought … I could try a twenty and see what I could win back …
Luckily I have banned from those sites that were tempting me . My recent gambling has not been on my own device – I am sure I could be a great researcher or genius if I put as much of my brain power into anything else . I think about gambling all the time –
Now when I think about it I think I will try a tenner , then I think I can never stop – if I blow it all I’ll be in real trouble – then I gamble anyway .
How stupid is that ? I think it through and do it anyway .
So I am dragging myself to bed kicking and screaming and desperate to gamble .
I wonder do I need to shut myself away from civilisation and live like a hermit for a few months to shut this screaming addiction down.

[i-did-it]

I took a new step- I couldn’t close down my Pal Pal account because apparently there is a payment pending – I think it’s coming into the account -not out .However I removed my bank account from my pay pal so now I have no money to spend there. This was always my sneaky money – (it isn’t really money if it’s done on PayPal??) .
It is so hard to refrain- it is so hard to stop. It used to be that the only thing in my head after losing was how I could replace the money – now the only thing in my head is where can I get more money to gamble – this disease is certainly progressive.

I have been thinking about applying for residential – in the past I always felt I would be turned away because I’m not bad enough. I think I am somewhat delusional – I work hard all week and then give my money away to any online casino I can find where I am not barred and think I’m not bad enough for help-yes definitely delusional!

What is really putting me off now is I think there might be family sessions – I can’t think of any family I would want there – I can’t think of anyone I would want there . But this is what I do .
So I return to GA tomorrow nite – last week was an open meeting and It was too soon to face outsiders – in fact I don’t know if I ever will.
I am looking forward to my meeting – I am looking forward to my coffee – it’s one of the stupid things I do – spend thousands Gambling and then deprive myself of a jar of coffee- go figure !

I have decided on payday I am going to cut up every card I have and just deal with cash .
I can’t stick ten pound notes into the computer now can I ?
Having said that I might as well stick them in the fire.

So I’m rambling and my thoughts are random – someone objected to that recently so I deleted my post – but then they objected to that also . Can’t win at gambling – can’t win at gambling support.

I think I will pray for a miracle – I’m not sure what that would look like but I certainly wouldn’t want to gamble all the time .
And maybe I would have a car from this decade and maybe I would have nice clothes and perfume- and maybe I would not feel tortured all the time – oh and sleep would be really nice .

[micky]

Really like your honest post i too feel the same way your not delusional , your realistic. We have to take new steps and sometimes re-take some others (positive ones of course) i’m in the middle of working out what i can do to replace my gambling time with so lots for me to work on there. M.

[charles]

Hi I Did it, well done on deciding to get back to GA.

I’m not going to tell you you should try the residential but what I would say is re-read what you have written; one of the things that is putting you off is the family session thing? That might not even happen and you might be worrying about something unnecessarily. What I am trying to say, in a rambling type of way is that if you think it might be an option for you then check it out, speak to someone, you might be able to remove an unnecessary obstacle.

Keep posting and well done for telling us about your experieinces

[kathryn]

In regards to your rambling, I have 8 years worth on this site , don’t ever think you can’t post how you are feeling, what you may think is rambling is just true and honest thoughts and feelings and writing them down gets them out of your head.
I agree with Charles, look into residential if that’s what you really want to do, it doesn’t hurt to enquire! I don’t know how bad things need to be to get in, but if it’s affecting your life this much………
I’m glad you are attending GA. every bit of support will help!
Take care of yourself, don’t worry about cars and clothes and perfume, sleep however is pretty important, maybe try to get that down pat.
Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Thanks Charles , Micky and Kathryn.
It is strange but I like my thread a whole lot more recently .
I feel I can write openly and I look forward to the positive responses I am getting.
Maybe I have changed !
I might be overly sensitive but it nice when people pick up the positive aspects of my thread , and don’t post judgement on the more negative parts.
If a thread is to be honest it has to have warts and all- and we all know picking at warts makes them spread!

It had got to the stage where my thread dragged me down more than supported me .

Tonight I did something I haven’t done in along time – I did a self hypnosis session from u tube.
It was a 40 minute session and I woke up three hours later . The wake up call at the end never wakes me up – and I always am fast asleep a few minutes in- not sure if that’s normal but I have no urges tonight .
I am testing it a little but it seems too much hassle to get the laptop out.
Other nights it would not have been too much hassle to climb on the roof to get a laptop so I’m thinking this is a change . If anyone is interested I can post the link . It might be just for tonight but my brain is so happy to have a break from tHe constant urges.

Life in general is good – I am happy and still cannot believe the depth of really positive support and lack of critism I am finding at GA. It works for me . It feels like I have met with the kindest people who understand what it’s like to feel really vulnerable – and they handle my vulnerability with care .

I always knew that “advice “, “straight talking” , telling me the “things I don’t want to hear “, and criticism under any other guise dragged me down – maybe I have had enough of that in my life .
I have recently realised that for me that when I feel dragged down , I feel less than others – then I dream about how I will be “someone” when I get that big win and then I’m back in the cycle of gambling.

I think when I started my old thread with my list of rules , I knew I wants this to be somewhere I felt supported – and therein lies the difference with face to face meetings
Interpretation of the written word is as much about the mood of the reader as the writer. Without seeing each other’s faces it is difficult to decipher whether a person is letting off steam, being deeply nasty and bitter or just really Hurting when they write a negative post .
Yeah I’m sold on GA.

[Mark P]

You articulated what i have thought but could not find the words to say…great job..keep on keep on.im going to my 2nd GA meeting tomorrow and look forward to finding that peace from the urges as you have..Thank You for writing the words i have been trying to say. Best of luck!!!!!! Have a good day!!! A great week!!!

[p]

I am so so pleased you are finding GA helpful… that is wonderful and somehow the meetings have magic in them, i dont know how it works but i always feel better after a meeting, i always feel better walking out of a meeting, cant say I’ve ever said that about a casino…
Well done friend

P

[i-did-it]

Thank P and Mark.
MArk I am so glad you understood what I was saying- I have said for years one size doesn’t fit all and sometimes if we are in recovery a while we can forget what the struggle is really like. Sometimes we may even perhaps become a little superior- we should all remember that whether we are gamble free twenty years or twenty seconds we are all the same distance away from our next bet (I get it at last Charles !)

So I guess the whole challenge is keeping that next bet from happening .
When you break it down like that it doesn’t seem such a big deal .
Today I am going to do what I should have done years ago – source a new phone . A basic “old lady” phone (haha). It’s true pride comes before a fall- I do kinda feel a bit proud of my phone – u will understand I haven’t had much decent stuff in recent years and the phone I could pay off monthly . I understand at last that there is no place for pride in recovery .
Whether it is pride at doing better than others , pride at acquiring stuff or pride that stops us seeking the help we need . I guess I suffer from pride in all the forms I mentioned.

It occurs to me that when we are in recovery we should be working On our character faults . I see little discussion on GT of our own character faults – maybe we have become so good at dishing out advice we forget the person who needs to be worked on most –MYSELF.

There’s my tuppence worth for this morning – I would love to say I feel great but I feel shame and guilt still- however I recognise that this also is a form of self indulgence – a kind of viictim “poor me ” mentality . This leads to dependent relationships and is best to avoid.
I cannot change the past – I can only change today

[i-did-it]

I am super tired tonight – from gambling half the night away and then having to rise for work.
That’s it over – the cards are chopped up – still have my phone tho -and have GA on Monday .
I have not spoken yet at GA – I want to wait til I can say the same as everyone else “I haven’t gambled since my last meeting “. Tempted to squeeze a meeting in at the weekend so I can say that – That’s just me – Trying to deceive the other GA members – I really can be unbelievably daft .

Despite all life is kinda good – I seem to be building deeper relationships with people I have known years –
I am feeling bad about a friend who I have taken a major step back from- we had little in common outside gambling. I still feel bad cos I guess I have hurt her .

That’s about it – nothing to report

[vera]

Sorry to hear you are tired I-did-it.
Nothing is more draining than gambling. We discussed that at GA tonight.
Pointless exhaustion!
Better days ahead!

[i-did-it]

Thanks Vera .
I also am gone up two sizes in a month – I know people forget to eat when they gamble – for me I graze mindlessly – I have just texted my “gambling friend ” and organised to do an early walk on the beach- In truth I am the one who always suggests gambling – so maybe this will be something we can do often.

[i-did-it]

MY mate and I went walking along the beach this morning. It wAs lovely and we had a coffee afterwards .
She never mentioned bingo or slots because as I suspected I was the one who was interested in those things !

I hope this is the start of a new and deeper friendship for us .
I’ve walked three miles – not bad for someone as unfit as me.

I have this vague plan that once I get used to walking I will run little bits – Perhaps I am too old or too stiff but I think I would like to take part in some charity runs maybe in a year when if my fitness increases .
I am realising that being fit opens up a whole new world of activities and a whole new social scene .
Interestingly when I came home from the thee mile walk I got stuck into housework and have done a huge amount- so it’s true that exercise increases your energy.
I unpacked from my June holiday-u getting how bad things had gotten ? I cleared the dining room table for the first time since maybe Easter ? I also “parented” and stood my ground on a few issues . Changing mummy changes life for everyone lol.
I can happily declare that I am a full day gamble free since 4 am this morning . I feel differently. I feel hopeful. I feel good.

[i-did-it]

Three and a half hours off achieving day 2 and I desperately want to gamble – here’s how it goes…
Everyone’s asleep – I discovered by accident that I can bypass the wifi house filter and my phone gambling blocker by using Some other technology

So now my pay is in bank and suddenly I have this brain wave- I should gamble because I have just thought of a fool proof way to win-well I mean a low risk way to win,
I just have to go downstairs and I’m set up for the night .
It doesn’t hold the same attraction for me today however- maybe because I had exercise , did some housework , or got badly burned recently – I don’t know but I think I am going to make day 2.
It’s been a while since I actively chose to make even day one.
I know I will get lots of advice about barriers but can u understand that I have reached a stAge with this addiction where no barrier can stop me?
It is like Vera says- it has to be mindset for me!
So relieved I am feeling like this – the morning would be so dreadful if my money was all gone.
I would have to go through a whole month with no money and nowhere to get any.
Even if I had by some miracle, manAged to cash out I would still be worried sick that the casino wouldn’t pay out.
Instead of all the worry on two hours sleep, I will wake up fresh- put on the lovely roast dinner I bought and have a family day .
Glad I thought it through tonight

[Monica1]

Glad to hear you haven’t gambled I did it. And you are right. How would you feel if you had nothing for the month. As distraught as I do, with no money till 11th August. CGs never win I did it. Thanks for posting on my thread.

[p]

Well done on getting through those Two days and it is just this day you have to worry about.. wonderful.. an early night and a roast , family time.. sounds pretty nice compared to the alternative.
Sounds like the little switch to recovery mode is flipping, i always think of it like something on a remote control, its like it goes between addictive thinking mode and recovery mode.. its a relief when recovery mode clicks on..
Well done… keep chipping away at the day.. you are doing good

P

[i-did-it]

Thank u Monica for ur post – thats day two done. I am feeling really positive – woke up and first thought is to get out for a walk- I feel I have had a real mind shift –
I was promised a cash-back by a casino online. It kept the addiction so alive – it also made me feel i had money coming and I spent on the strength of it . I sat in ga and I went to groups here all the time knowing I couldn’t stop til I got my cash back- it really hooked me but of course that was the whole purpose of it .

When it was time to get it, they were so reluctant to hand it over, and when they did it was bonus money that had to be played 40 times and not a cash back at all.
However, it was enough to rope me in- and get me to part with a lot of money. It also was illuminating – every time we hand money over to any casino we are being “cheated” as the odds are stacked against us. As people with a gambling addiction we are cheating ourselves because even if we win we will never cash out or keep our money cashed out for very long.

More than that – we are cheating ourselves out of everything we could and should have in life – including our peace of mind!

I have set up a direct debit for savings – I am working extra hours now and would like something to show for it- because I am so scared that direct debit will bounce it has made me want to be extra careful with my money . Who would have thought saving could be so motivating ?

That’s about it – feeling really positive about the future

[i-did-it]

Thank u P – I was writing when your message came in and missed it- I keep thinking of you and what u say about a switch flipping -it’s so true – and I have no idea why or how it flips but I am so glad it has- hope all is good with you . I really appreciate your post. You have been a good friend to me through e thick and thin.

[i-did-it]

I am watching tv and thinking when I wake up tomorrow I will be on day 4- when next thing an ad comes up for a new casino . Arghh – and I’m thinking maybe and then I thought try writing about the urge – see if that works so here I am
It’s not going to happen tonight- I am making it to day 4 which starts at 4 am-

[vera]

What will be different tonight?

[i-did-it]

Read above

[i-did-it]

Day 4 – in the zone – feeling good!
Writing about the urge really helped -half way through week one and feeling positive .
Instead of thinking constantly about gambling, I am having an occasional urge – that I can deal with easily.
I will not gamble today

[p]

Well done on day 4 and getting through the urges..
Just this day dont gamble. Get through those urges a little at a time.. break it down even to hours or minutes if you have to.
They will always fade if given time, i know they are so persuasive and seductive to us.. hang in there.

Keep it up

P

[i-did-it]

Thank u P- no urges tonight just happy I made it through day 4- hope to have another good day tomoro !

[Monica1]

Hi,I did it. It is https://www.wholetones.com. As I mentioned there are just samples on the site, but I found 1, 3 and 6 the most helpful. Let me know how you get on.

[KingofJersey]

Awesome to hear, keep going! It feels amazing to take a deep breath, have that coffee, watch some tv, and just really enjoy – nobody can take that joy and peace away from you

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica and King -I will listen to those beats tonight.
So I have reached day 5 – a bit disappointed I have missed GA this week as I was unwell- it is going really well- the urges have subsided and I feel so hopeful and determined .
I am using a lot of online support . I am writing here often and I am not allowing anyone to burst my bubble .
I once read the Celestine prophesy and it changed the way I allow people to treat me . It describes control dramas and I realised that I was often the “interrogator” with my son- asking questions which I thought were meant to lead him to a place of understanding or enlightenment . Of course I now understand it just was a way of putting him down and deflating him. I was acting superior but because I phrased it in a question I felt it was less threatening – in face it was worse because it put him on the spot .
In my own life I dodge such interrogations now – it is a way of putting me down, deflating me , adding a yes you are doing well… BUT

I would encourage you everyone to Google the control dramas – there is the poor me , the interrogator, the aloof and the intimidator – I am sure we have all been on the receiving end of one or other and most of us have been one of other from time to time.

Once you see the drama at play it had little power over you .
Writing is definitely helping me right now – sorry if I ramble but after all it is my thread !

[i-did-it]

I have just opened an email from a casino – this is a new one on me.
Some casino I signed up to ages ago did not email me to say I had a bonus but that I was being fined because my account has been inactive for so long .
I am wondering if this is even legal and if it would fall within licensing law .
Of course if they wish to take me to court for the money I wish them luck – the judge might decide they owe me money .
Onwards and upwards

[i-did-it]

Just about to go to bed – when I wake up it will be day 6 . Feeling hopeful and determined .

[i-did-it]

Day 6 is here – it’s so long since I enjoyed any kind of freedom from gambling I can hardly believe day 6 is here.
When I say freedom I don’t just mean abstaining – I mean freedom from the constant urges. It’s like P describes – the switch has flicked .
In all honesty I’m not sure it because of anything I have done – however I am
Trying to keep that switch in the off position by not gambling at all-
When In the past I “stopped” gambling , it really meant I stopped online slots – I still went to bingo, bought lottery tickets and did anything that wasn’t online.
This time I have stopped all gambling
And right now I feel it’s Not worth taking a chance and sinking back into the nightmare of the last several years.
I am very mindful of people who would sabotage my recovery – even under the guise of helping me . I now stop and ask myself what their motive is . I have learned to be more assertive and call them
Out on their ****shit even if the negativity is in the guise of a “helpful ” question.
When
We are doing well we need people cheering in our corner , willing us on – not putting buts in our way.
I think the biggest change I have made is my attitude towards such
support – I can see now that having a negative person “supporting ” me was akin to looking in the mirror every day and saying to myself – “you will never stop. You don’t have it in you”.

[vera]

Well done on 6 gamble free days, October is your G Free Month!!
I heard a man in GA ( who had learned the hard way) say, that there is no middle ground with a Gambling Addiction. We either starve it or feed it. Take your pick!!
In my early days here , I used two analogies. One referred to stomping on the bug before it climbed up our leg. The other advised us not to leave out a saucer of milk for a stray cat!
Thank God I have never met any member in GT who tried to sabatoge my recovery by acting under false pretenses.
However, I heard lots of things I did not want to hear at the time –usually the very things I needed to hear. It is the same in GA. Nobody strokes our ego. When we are in the throes of gambling, our perception can become flawed.

[i-did-it]

I agree totally Vera –
This addiction has to be completely Starved .
There can be no half measures.

I can’t say anyone has told me anything I didn’t want to hear – but to be honest I have heard most of it for years- it was just I guess I didn’t act on it .

I’m not sure I have ever had my ego stroked – maybe by my husband when he was wooing me lol- I’m not even really sure what that means in terms of gambling addiction. I have had people encourage me and people make me feel I could never do it. If encouragement is stroking my ego I will take it every time . It helps me a lot .

I have worked hard my whole adult ,even on weekends and holidays as a teen. I have also always done the best I could by my child at any time although I completely recognise that that best would have been so much better if I had not been gambling .
You are spot on about our perception being flawed – after almost a week I can see things so much more clearly for what they are and I’m sure that is apparent in my posts

[i-did-it]

So it’s almost bedtime and I am finding that writing on my thread is really helping me. I have always went through phases with writing – writing and deleting posts.
Sometimes I cannot bear to read back .

GT has seen me through some very dark times- I have seen many people come and go – some I know have found recovery – some are still struggling with relapses, but the support has been a constant in my life for many a year – I’m not sure where I would have been without this site . Charles even stayed online with me until I was physically standing in my first GA meeting a I has been too terrified to go for years- that’s going beyond the call of duty and that really is support.

When I wake up tomorrow I will be on day seven . It has been an easy week to achieve – something has changed inside my brain. Posting several times a day has helped and I guess GA must be a huge factor also – it feels like it was the missing link .

I also think I have realised that we can depend on no one for for our recovery except ourselves – sure people can encourage us , advise us, guide us and even rescue us financially – but recovery is down to each individual and how badly they want it .
I have had some urges but mostly when ads come up on tv- I notice they add new casinos all the time. They have not been the unbearable urges of the past .

I was worried about refusing requests to bingo and no one has suggested It – I have went for long walks , coffee and even a KFC but no one has suggested gambling – so my “gambling buddy” has quickly become my “buddy” and I was actually the only person who wanted to gamble .

Lastly I am resolute in not allowing other people’s issues to bring me down no matter how cleverly they try to implicate me in them . I am not allowing game players to infect me with their games .
I can see clearly now the rain had gone and I like my life where it is today and I like the future I can see .
Nite nite all.

[Monica1]

Well done I did it. Thanks for posting to my thread. I am glad that you are finding GA helpful. It is the most helpful thing I have found and I have tried many different things. You sound as if you are in a good place and I am happy for you. I avoid to now as I cannot stand the gambling ads. Just view it as Satan now and he can bloody well get behind me…..

[Monica1]

Well done I did it. Thanks for posting to my thread. I am glad that you are finding GA helpful. It is the most helpful thing I have found and I have tried many different things. You sound as if you are in a good place and I am happy for you. I avoid tv now as I cannot stand the gambling ads. Just view it as Satan now and he can bloody well get behind me…..

[i-did-it]

Thank you for your post Monica.
Yes the tv ads definitely do it for me . I wonder how many others find them a problem.

So I am on day 7- a full week – and feeling positive- I read Jaykay’s thread from start to finish last night and found it very motivating – just shows it can be done .

Today I am not feeling so strong when It comes to a negative person in my life . If you have been reading my thread I will have described this person as an interrogator (Celestine Prophesy). You didn’t? Why did you? Why didn’t you ? Did you? It’s like keeping a running record on every mistake and somehow it is very deflating . This person also has a gambling addiction.
Today I am feeling guilt as it has been a while since I saw this person and I know it is something which I have to do. It also has been the trigger for practically every relapse I have ever had.
Life is never simple- we can’t always just cut people out of our lives because it helps us stay clean .
Some relationships are too close , too important, too deep.
I am planning a trip to visit – I’m not sure how to avoid a relapse – maybe my new mindset will help – maybe I can find a ga meeting nearby.
Life is never simple .

[JayKay82]

Thanks for stopping by on my thread. I am happy to keep updating my progress and let people read, but it is always nice to know people are reading and inspired ! Anyway just dropping you a quick note to say thanks and stay the course !

[Dunc]

It took courage to come and talk I-did-It…

please come back and lets finish our chat

[charles]

Hi IDI, well done on your gamble free time. I can relate to what you say about the bingo; I always thought I would struggle to avoid the after work card schools, it turned out that when I stopped gambling there weren’t any! Well done on cutting out the bingo and lottery as well. Starve the addiction.

[Monica1]

I read all of these many years ago, in the 90s. Are they still around I did it? Thanks for asking me to join the group. Did you disappear? What is the best one to go to?

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica .
Sorry to everyone in the group – I fell asleep – could feel my eye getting heavy …long hard day ! Just woke and sorry I missed the rest .
I think new members would Be a good group as it would be less busy.

[Monica1]

Group was that good huh? Well thanks for getting me to go along. The time went very quick and it seemed like we had talked about hardly anything. Will try the new members group next.

[i-did-it]

I have been on quite strong pain killers to be honest Monica – I detest taking tablets but I didn’t want to miss work. I think they knocked me out – it’s the first time I have fallen asleep mid group. I am taking a fraction of the prescribed dosage – but I alway feel any meds are heavy on the system .

You will find you get to know people in groups . When the groups get too large they are not as good , but we can still learn from others experiences and advice. I was at an earlier group also tonight .

So I am almost on day 8- it has been pretty painless – week 2 – I like when I can ***** in weeks – it is kinda motivating . I continue to be mindful that some people for whatever reason are not conducive to my recovery . I see it, acknowledge it and then it loses its power over me . I have recently learned that People do not like to lose power over you ! That however is their business not mine .
I am very grateful to everyone who has posted me and supported me .
Harry I will make it to a chat next week- thank you for taking the time to post me . I just realised that since our chat I haven’t gambled ! I have cut off something on my phone which was allowing me to bypass my gambling blocker – unfortunately it also means I cannot access chat during the day .
Charles thank you for your continued support – I know I haven’t always been grateful for it , and didn’t always agree with you – mostly because I knew better ( and that worked out well for me lol) – but after many years I am thinking maybe you do talk a little sense after all!

I am happy – I am hopeful – I am aware .

[i-did-it]

Day 8 – still feeling strong .
I am considering postponing that visit which is causing me to worry quite a bit – what if I leave it until it is too late – what good is recovery if I live out the rest of my life feeling guilty . I guess I have a moral dilemma in my hands – can I risk recovery and the family I have created to do the right thing by the family which created me ?

I need to get a more positive vibe going here – day 8, week 2 – last working day of the week and looking forward to weekend. I am going to plan my free time for the first time ever – maybe that is why I love work so much – my time is planned for me .

Feeling a little low – but I am aware and I am looking forward .
Onwards and upwards

[micky]

You said it “onwards and upwards” have a great weekend ?? M.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Micky.
I find myself making choices I thought I would never make .
I find myself making more permanent decisions .
I have always lived as if stuff in my life was temporary.

Take my house – I always complain about how messy it is but in truth I have always been afraid to make the changes which would make this housework for me – in case I want to sell, in case I decrease its value, in case I get it wrong …
Today I am thinking , two decades later , I am going to make this house work for me and my family not someone who might own it after me . Why had this taken me so long to reach this decision? Who was I preserving it for ?
I have been funded for a quite prestigious course- I have completed much of it – however my current family circumstances means it cannot be a priority for me but I am finding it so difficult to let it go. Why? There are so many things which matter more in my life . What will I really lose ?

Why do I find these things so difficult and can anyone else make sense of what I am saying?
I’m not sure even I can .

[Monica1]

Hi I did it. Stuff in life is temporary! But,,I get what you are saying. I have very few material things. I have had a lot of money in the past but still did not buy material things. I don’t know why. In my younger days i used to live in a squat, so I think some of this Carried through with me ie travel light. Ends up with nothing to sell in my current state. You know the character defects they talk about in GA? Have realised that in my personal, not professional life, I am a big procrastinator.
Now why can’t you finish your course, how much of it have you completed?

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
It sounds like you had something similar going on – maybe it’s a fear of not having enough but I think more likely it’s that we feel we don’t deserve those nice things .
Now I try to buy myself something whether I have gambled or not . I buy supermarket or sale clothes mostly but they look nice and fresh and I feel nice when I wear something that is not old or shabby . Last week I bought boots . Week before a top and today I will buy a top in a nice bright colour. All of this is very cheap stuff but it’s new !
The course I could finish but it is very intensive in terms of the work I will have to do at home and my child needs me at the moment . It’s one of those times I need to step up and be there. I need to make the right choice . As parents I guess we are always making sacrifices whether it is going out to work or being home when we need to be- I am possibly picking up the pieces after my years of gambing now but it is what it is .
I am taking each day as it comes .

I’m on day nine – well into week 2. I have as Vera says changed my mindset or as P says the switch had flicked .I am not going to analyse this change but just keep counting my days , posting and looking forward. I know when I get one full month behind me financially things start to really ease .
I have also set up a small savings account which will be a nice sum when the holidays come around next year .

My mind is clear , I am focused , I am hopeful , I make good choices.

[i-did-it]

I need to write –
I am feeling so positive about recovery – I am on day nine.
And I have just come across a “but” person on another site who has decided I am becoming complacent and need the benefit of their put downs – sorry I think they said experience .
If I had nine years behind me I might become complacent – I have been fighting this for too long to become complacent after nine days . By the way that’s all I got to say “I’m on day nine ”
So I called This person out on their negativity immediately, told them I was trying to work the steps and one of the new measures I have taken is to not let negative people drag me down – I am working at this , clocking up my days – what’s to be negative about ?
They are every where – the begrudgers- and I have to say it but often I find it’s those in recovery who feel it’s their duty to remind us how weak we are .
In the past I would have felt deflated – thought what’s the point – and ended up back where I started .
Today I told this person I was calling them out on their negativety and discouragement – I told them they sounded critical and that I was logging off as my recovery is more important to me than people pleasing . They kept arguing and I simply logged out .

I don’t need straight talking , I don’t need to hear the things others decide I don’t want to hear – I need recovery !!!

Looking forward to day ten – feeling empowered!

[i-did-it]

*Sorry I should add an edit – some of my greatest encouragers have been those in recovery a long time – Geordie , Charles and P to mention but a few . They cheer when I succeed and they encourage me to keep going.*

[lizbeth4]

Good for You! Negativity and judging being critical are not what we need in our recovery. Support and encouragement go a long way! I love the feeling of empowerment!!!! Keep going!!!

[kathryn]

Woohoo on your day 9 ! Every day without a bet is a good day!
I’m sorry you encountered a negative person.
I know after I stopped gambling for a while I was very over zealous in my responses. The truth was, I felt amazing and free and wanted everyone else to feel that way too! I used to think, if only they could feel how I feel they wouldn’t ever want to gamble again! It was almost euphoric, because for the previous 15 years I felt like a useless worthless excuse for a person, wife, mother, and I felt the real me was beginning to emerge!
Sounds so romantic doesn’t it? Lol
Anyway, I guess people have different ways of communicating and you did the very right thing by just getting out of there and not engaging. We all do recovery differently. What works for some doesn’t work for others.
My philosophy is, take what you need from each person, or post, and move forward. Don’t let others bring you down, you are doing what you need to and it’s working!
I hope you are having a nice weekend, you are doing great my friend!
Love K xxxxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Lisbeth and Kathryn
I am happy I got out of there instead of trying to make myself understood so that I ended up feeling frustrated and powerless. I think that feeling of powerlessness has often triggered gambling for me. Somehow when I feel small I think a big win will make me “bigger”. I guess I am more aware of my triggers and I am more assertive with people who threaten my recovery regardless of how good their motive is. Some people just do not know how negative they sound.

Today is day 10. I am in double figures . I am taking it day by day but also having a sneaky peek four days forward to when I will reach 2 weeks. It helps motivate me to keep going.

Life is good. I went to bed early and woke very early . I wanted to catch a webinar so am feeling quite pleased with myself . Still have quite a bit of constant pain and I am trying to stop myself from thinking that now that I have stopped at last , I hope my health doesn’t give up on me .
I am not a good patient …I don’t have the patience for illness .

Other than that all is good .

[i-did-it]

I have had a busy productive day .
I decided to go out for lunch on impulse and then remembered I am working on my impulsiveness and laziness so I made a meal instead – for a fraction of the price !

I then tackled one of those horrible cleaning jobs and roped hubby in to help.
A little every day to make my house look normal.
I wanted to paint a particular part of the house but it is a huge job- so We decided less impulsive meals out and pay a painter .
In all honesty two or three of my bingo trips will pay for the whole job.
In fact I could have had the whole house decorated inside and out with what I gambled in the last two months – but it is what it is .
No looking back – only forward .
Tomorrow is day 11- almost two weeks .
I have addressed some issues which needing addressing for my child’s happiness – I am on a roll – I set up some good stuff for him today.
Today I can’t think why I ever bothered with gambling but I won’t be getting complacent. ( I am writing that just to stop the nagging people who seem to look for a chink in the armour )
God has given me another undeserved chance . I have done nothing to earn this – so I don’t believe the old unbiblical and human quote ” God helps those who help themselves “. I believe eGod helps us all and we can never fall too low for His saving grace. We just have to reach out and ask for his help and accept it when it arrives – as Charles puts it – grab the helplines he sends.
So that’s me for now –
I am happy , motivated , working on my housework laziness and generally being a productive person.
I like it !

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your post IDI.

I think you’re doing grand missus. There will, I suppose, always be negative people and to be honest, in my opinion, that’s for them to deal with.

Somebody once told me this version of the serenity prayer.

Grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
The courage to change the one I can. (Myself).
And the wisdom to know the difference.

To me it’s a good mantra to live by. Your words, mine, or anybody else’s won’t change how other people behave, we can only change ourselves, and I think that’s true for everybody not just us addicts!

( I must ask, did you ever get your decent frying pan? I’m looking for one at the minute and remembered you asking a few months ago).

Anyway you should be into your double figures now…well done to you. You’ve really struggled for ages I know and I can almost feel your relief that you have been able to stop, I’m relieved for you and very very pleased long may it continue.

I’m sure I’ll get back to regular posting shortly, just wanted to say hello.

Take care.

Geordie.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie for your encouraging post . I am going to remember that prayer. I can’t change others but I can change how they impact on me . That is my choice .

Today as I was waking I knew I would not attend GA tonight – I got nervous about the long drive . What if I break down? My gambling addiction means that I have a very old car . No one even knows I am going there.
The nights are darker than a few weeks ago . So many reasons not to go but in truth it is not going to work for me to drive so far every week as winter approaches . ( you did say so Charles). Im not sure I’m ready to find a closer meeting .

This negative thinking must have had a knock on effect because then I didn’t want to write on my thread this morning- I try to write morning and night. It helps me stay focused. So I have just decided this is going to be one of those things that must be done each morning like brushing my teeth.
I am tired today – woke far too early .
Out of coffee .
Need to be super aware of how I am feeling and how this can impact on my attitude towards recovery.
Today is day 11- I will not gamble today .
Feelings come and go – recovery can be permanent .

[i-did-it]

Day 12 tomorrow-
Very sleepy tonight so short post
Had lovely evening with my child and managed to attend bits of a few groups .
It’s sometimes hard but children must come first and they need our time and energy .
Had interesting chat in group tonight however about how if we stop accessing support we are not doing right by our children.
Very draining day -but a fulfilling one .
Feel I am making the right decisions, being decisive and proactive.
Life doesn’t just happen for us – life doesn’t just happen for our kids – we make it happen.
Today I am realising that too much support is as selfish as too little when we have people who depend on us . It’s kinda all about us – we might as well be in a casino still.

Feeling hopeful, feeling optimistic , feeling progress happening , feeling grateful to God .

[i-did-it]

It’s day 12.
Counting the days seems to be really helping .
Writing on here seems to be really helping.
Charles group really helps.

Man from GA texted me last night .
Such lovely people – as Vera put it – real people!

Have to be honest groups have gone a little strange and somewhat weird . It feels like it has become couples therapy rather than support. . Perhaps GT would consider running a couples group for those who don’t want to text or viber each other and need to air stuff in a public forum? Just a thought .!

Well that’s about it – I am happy , strong , gamble free and ready to face whatever the day throws at me !

[Monica1]

Everything you have said on here i did it, could not agree with you more. Well done on getting to,day 12. Sending you lots of good wishes.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica –
It is very late and I have a very early meeting but it’s working for me to post before gong to sleep and again in the morning.
Tomorrow will be day 13- almost two weeks .

Feeling strong , positive and productive .

[micky]

Hi I-did-it just noticed your on day 13 , i am on day 15 perhaps we can sort of sponsor each other and keep a tab on each other ? . I am really pleased your feeling positive , productive and strong i am as well . ?? M.

[Anonymous]

Or just slept in.

As much as I know you don’t like being reminded of things you’ve said, it was only a couple of days ago you said that you were going to post each morning, a thing that must be done, like brushing your teeth. It helps to keep you focussed.

Whether you think I’m being negative or not, I feel I wouldn’t be being very supportive towards you if I didn’t mention this to you. But when we start failing to keep commitments to ourselves that, in my opinion anyway, is a sure sign of complacency setting in. Don’t let it IDI,,posting morning and night has helped you so far, so why change a winning formula??

[i-did-it]

Thank you Micky and you are so right Geordie .
I can’t really write about it here but I have had one of really most terrible days I have ever had as a parent and I am posting tonight –
It is better that I am gamble free and can give my energy to this – it is not better that I have no distraction to focus on .

I wondered several times today if I was having a heart attack – or if stress can be so severe that it would catapult us into insanity .
My morning post is 12 hours late but here it is .
Day 13- almost two weeks .
I did my best today – hope it’s been good enough .

[i-did-it]

My night time post .
When I wake tomorrow I will be on day fourteen- two full weeks .
And if I’m honest probably the first two weeks in decades which have been totally gamble free.
The thing about being totally gamble free is is takes away the ifs, buts and maybes and gives you certainty .
I am certain that if I save some of my wages I will have money for holidays and treats.
These things will not be dependent on if I win, but next time or maybe my luck will change .
It is so much easier to live with a lot of certainty in your life .

The past few days have been difficult and Today has turned out to be one of the worse days I have had in years in my personal life – I am so relieved I do not have gambling to add to my worries .

Life throws us all curveballs – they are an inevitable part of life.
Gambling would make things a hundred times worse .

[Anonymous]

Pleased you got through the day. You’re right gambling would have made it all a lot lot worse. Plus any time spent gambling would be taking time away from you dealing with whatever it is you’ve had to deal with today.

I hope you’re putting things in place to protect your money for the coming weeks, months and years. I feel sure I could handle my own finances now, but what I’m doing is working fine and dandy so no point in changing things there.

Hope things are better for you today.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie ,
I have changed some things in order to make it more difficult to gamble –
I have disabled my PayPal account , have a large portion of my wages going to an account I cannot easily access and I have been paying extra off credit cards which means I have little left to play around with. I do still have access to money but not it is a joint account and in truth there is so little left in there I have been quite frugal even with all my purchases .more importantly for me I have very limited internet access .

Today is day 14 – two weeks gamble free.
People talk about not getting complacent about gambling –
The real danger is getting complacent about the other things in life which are important because we are so focused on not gambling .
My recent stress it turns out has been through my own complacency – not gambling is great and to be celebrated but I would prefer to be gambling thousands than go through the last few days . Turns out the issue has been my own complacency. I have learned a hard lesson .
So starting week two on quite a low – gambling still
Takes up too much of my time and thoughts – not through action and anymore but through reading , writing and thinking about recovery.
The urges are now fleeting – they come, I consider them and they go .

Vera hit the nail on the head – it is all about mindset .

Starting week two – aware that I cannot take my finger off the pulse on all the other important things in life .

[Anonymous]

I disagree with you about complacency. In the first few weeks even first few months yes you’re really focussed on not gambling, And you feel really pleased about the fact that you really really haven’t gambled, with me I wanted everybody to share my new found happiness. I had achieved what I never thought I could, I’d stopped gambling, I was euphoric about it and I wanted everybody to know. But of course, they had all heard it before. How many times had they heard me say “it’s different this time, I feel like I’ve turned a corner”

But I became totally focussed on not gambling, I was becoming a slave to therapy much as I had been with the gambling. I was no more complacent with the other things in my life, than I had been when I was gambling. I was ignorant to them I was totally focussed on not gambling but not complacent with the other things that mattered, just a bit blinkered if not completely ignorant to them.

I do appreciate we are all different, we interprate things differently, we behave differently, we observe things differently and we prioritise things differently.

I have found the further I get from my last bet timewise, the less focussed I have become on not gambling. It dosnt require as much focus now because it has become the norm for me.

I tell you now, one urge, just one urge and I’d have a big fight on my hands, I find it extremely difficult to fight off urges but I just don’t get them now. However knowing that there is no guarantee it will always be this way I have taken precautions to protect my money. Nobody knows what tomorrow is going to bring.

I don’t think it’s more important to have limited internet access, rather than ringfence your funds. They may both be important but even with limited internet there’s still the bingo, the lottery and ways to increase your internet access.

I think you are doing well, and I am pleased for you. You know I’m not the sort of bloke who just says “well done”. Neither am I the sort of bloke who will just sit and look for possible pitfalls in people’s posts. Although I do see many, including when I read my own threads.

So I must say that I was disappointed that you still haven’t changed your phone, not disappointed in you. But disappointed for you, and also the same when I read you weren’t going to GA.

I would have completely understood if you had said that you’d tried GA and it wasn’t really for you so you weren’t going back. But when I read what you wrote on Monday I must admit I thought it was just a cop out. “What if my car broke down” but what if it didn’t?

I agree it’s daft travelling miles to get to GA if there are more local meetings. The main reason I don’t get urges is because I’m always talking about my problems, getting things off my chest. If GA isn’t going to happen for you what about counselling, there are addictions counsellors available on the NHS via a referral from you G.P.

Having said all that IDI the most important thing of all is that you are no longer gambling, you are now into your third week, I appreciate how difficult you have found it all over the years, and you deserve a massive pat on the back for the 14 days you’ve done so far. There is no reason why they can’t be the the first fourteen days of a future without any gambling.

Gambling gives us nowt but pain and grief as you well know.

I am being judgemental here, I realise that, but I know just how vicious gambling addiction is. As usual I’m judging you, as I do with every CG, by my own standards when I gambled. It may be unfair to do so, it is not with any malicious intentions. I used to say similar things to P and Vera, as well as Kathryn when she gambled a few months ago after 8 years off. Those three ladies in my eyes are the holy trinity! But I’m afraid if I see anybody making the mistakes I made, or using the excuses I’ve used I am going to voice my opinion.

Nobody has to gamble. Nobody is doomed to it. But just because you’ve removed something that prevents you bypassing your filter, that hasn’t made your phone impossible to gamble on. Just because you’ve made your money more difficult to access, doesn’t mean you can’t get to it.

Why not change your joint account to hubby only? Why not downgrade your phone. Why not do everything in your power to make the possibility of you gambling again near enough impossible??

Gambling ruins lives why leave doors open to it?

As much as I go on IDI, I know you will do whatever you want, as we all do. I didn’t give over control of my finances because somebody nagged me. I done it because I knew it was the only thing to more or less guarantee I couldn’t spunk my wages up the wall.

The not gambling isn’t because my boss controls my money, it’s because I don’t want to anymore. But in a weak moment I just can’t go and get money, I have never wanted to gamble on one occasion this year, yes I chose to put the lottery on a couple of times, I can live with that.

Not gambling is great, not wanting to gamble even better.

I’m sorry that this post might seem harsh or negative but man IDI, whether you admit it or not you have left the door to gambling ajar, if not open a bit. Well in my opinion anyway. I hope you do take some more steps as a preventative measure against any possible future gambling.

I started writing this after work on my phone, at least an hour and a half ago I hope it’s of some benefit to you.

I don’t take as much time posting to people now as I used to, you’ve been on this site a long time and I don’t mind giving my time to try and help you, not pick on you.

Day 15 tomorrow though, that’s the good bit.

Take care.

Geordie.

[i-did-it]

Geordie ,
Thank you Geordie – for such a long and thoughtful post –
I did wake with those fears about my car and stuff but in truth I am dealing with something at the moment which is ripping my insides apart and while those were the thoughts I awoke with they are not the reason I haven’t been to GA. I really don’t want to write too much here but honestly no gambling hangover is as bad as the worry a child can bring. I’m not sure I will get to GA for few weeks but I have been using their online chat every single day in addition to posting here and attending groups . GA felt like a wonderful welcoming place – I want to go back – and you are so right. I need to go back .

I feel I am less complacent with other things in my life than I had been and I seem to be taking action with a lot of things I had let slide so that is good.

Geordie with regards to sounding negative- I never find your posts anything other than supportive- when I talk about negative posts it’s kinda when people pick holes In what I have said for no other reason than acting superior . They don’t help me in any way – they just deflate me. That may not be the intention- but that is how I am affected.

– you rightly point out what I have been saying to myself about the money and the phone . I am kinda hanging onto the phone right now because it is my only way of accessing support, when I get some money together I will change it for an android phone which is easier to lock down . On the one hand I feel I am playing with fire and on the other I can’t do without the support .

I really don’t feel I have anyone who can take care of my money . I don’t feel I have anyone who can carry the load for a little while while I go to GA. In fact I feel maybe gambling has masked a lot of stuff and now I have woken up . I feel I am a remote , I am an island – and the support I am getting online is boats calling by to visit .

I am so glad your boss looks after your wages – what a difference someone like that can make to your life .

Geordie , if I can give you a bit of guidance- I think it was Harry who once advised me when I held him up as someone I looked up to and I misread a post and thought he gambled- he said we could let people inspire us but never hold them too highly as if they relapse it can shatter our recovery too.
You have done as well as anyone on here .

You are also working the steps and giving back – there are not too many on here who would take the time to write a post with the thought and depth you just did . I see you as an example of someone working the steps because I never knew until very recently that supporting others was part of the GA philosophy and how many on here write they attend GA.

Genuinely trying to help others is not the action of a judgemental person – I am glad you have voiced some things that have been going on in my head.

A huge change for me is that I no longer see the big win as my escape – I see not gambling and having savings As my escape from anything Which I need to escape .

So thank you for your enormously helpful post and also for being an example to us newbies of how to really work those steps .

[i-did-it]

My night time post – so I made it through day 14- when I wake tomorrow I will be on week three . Can’t quite believe it .

I went to the shop late tonight and when I was paying at the till I had a strange urge to go home and gamble .
In reality it was more like a deja vu but just goes to show how deeply ingrained the habit is – many times I was impatient to make my late night purchase so I could get back to my great love – gambling. That was also the shop where I set up many of my methods to get around every barrier known to man.

I guess I had an urge , I dealt with it and I’m moving on.

I start week three tomorrow.
Geordie is very right when he tells me to get to GA.
I need to go . I need all the support I can get .

I managed to make it to a group tonight and people pointed out that I have had a really bad week and still didn’t gamble and that is real progress . I hadn’t thought of that so it kinda made me feel pleased and somehow even more motivated .

Now that week three is about to begin I am thinking can I make it to four weeks? – I am impatient – I want to see the days clock up. I am also aware that impatience is one of my character flaws which led me to gamble – so I am trying to keep focused on today .

That’s me until morn.

[i-did-it]

Day 15. – week three.
Even when I had gamble free days in the past I’m not sure I ever went completely gamble free. I gradually added more until I was back to where I started.
So I would do the lottery , do a trip to bingo, end up playing the slots there and tell myself it was ok because I wasn’t blowing hundreds and thousands online – I then would tell myself I had only given up online gambling .

This is better – no gambling means the urges have died down considerably. I have not gambled at all since payday and half way through the month I have saved a little , paid off a little and can look forward a little.

I have two weekends away to look forward to .

It has come at a cost – I have not visited someone very close who also has a gambling addiction- being with her sabotages my recovery every single attempt- in truth it’s me not her – just it always seems that’s it’s ok because we will go together , it is sociable , we will spend time together ( yeah right ??), I will limit what I spend and next thing I am back in action.

Lessons from the past , looking forward to the future but just for today I will not gamble .

[micky]

Great post I-did-It , your doing everything so well , i too am enjoying my life now . M.

[vera]

Great to hear you are not gambling, I-Did-it.
Just for today! Eh?
Would the “someone close” be able to come to visit you, so that you could spend social time together, instead of placing your recovery in jeopardy , by visiting her on gambling territory?
Of course not having money is the best way to avoid testing ourselves.
When I have no chocolate in the house, I don’t get an urge to eat chocolate.
When I know it’s available , I salivate thinking of my next “fix”.
PS. EVERYTHING and EVERYONE “sabotaged my recovery” when I looked for excuses to gamble.

[i-did-it]

Thanks Micky and thanks Vera for ur posts –

Vera like I wrote , in truth nothing sabatages my recovery except me . Visiting without money wouldn’t make a bit of difference – is if I was on a sabotage mission I would get it from somewhere/ someone.

I feel
It’s safest not to visit just now and I don’t think the visit will happen the other way -I will visit when I hAve a month or more behind me .

Something I never really understood was the concept of an excuse to gamble – people talk about picking fights so they had an excuse to gamble – maybe I am much worse than other people but I never needed an excuse to gamble – I just loved to gamble and wanted to- I am going to stop this line of writing because memories are returning and for now I am trying to squash urges before they take hold . Maybe in the future I might be strong enough to analyse my urges to see if there is a reason or an excuse, but for now I am avoiding them.

I will be on day 16 in the morning – half a month.
Not bad for someone who couldn’t stop!
Feeling happy, less strong, less hopeful than usual but tucked up in bed safe.
.

[vera]

I have no desire to contradict or undermine your views, I – Did-It, but it not as easy to sabotage “real” recovery as it is to screw up abstinence or “fake” recovery.
I have experienced the three types and I am not pointing any finger at “Your” recovery.
I know we sometimes read things on GT like “One size doesn’t fit all” or “Every member does it her/his way”. According to the GA literature that attitude prevents CGs from taking steps to become “Honest, Open-minded and Willing” . I’m sure your GA meetings will highlight everything, one day at a time.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your reply to my post IDI, and your guidance. I was a bit flummoxed at first but then the penny dropped, about holding others in high regard.

If that was in regard to my comment concerning Vera, P, and Kathryn I do understand what you’re saying. And I think there is concrete evidence of what Harry told you in previous threads on GT. When Vera went back to gambling after having a full year clean 7 or 8 years ago, it seemed to start a domino effect off of regular “slips” relapses or whatever way you want to describe the gambling of the many that did shortly after Vera had. It was as if it was OK to do so. I know there was more than ten people who returned to gambling within two weeks of Vera slipping. I know because I counted.
I have the utmost respect for those three ladies not because of the length of time gambling free, but because they are all living in real recovery. The changes in their lives have been dramatic, they have faught hard to get into recovery, the support they have to give is genuine and sincere.

I also believe I am living my life in recovery now, I wasnt last year, I havnt been for about 5 or 6 years really. I had changed a bit but not enough, I kept changing back. But because I am living life in recovery now whatever anybody else does will not lead me astray I decide for myself what I’m going to do. Of course I’d be devastated for any of them should they ever relapse and return to gambling, but it would not shatter my recovery in any way, shape or form.

I know my perception of recovery may be well off the mark in some people’s eyes, I may come across as a “know it all” at times. You know some of the lengths I went to just to get gambling money, nothing short of pathetically obscene. That’s why I take my recovery so seriously.

It’s always annoyed me a bit to be honest when I hear one CG say to another, “we all slip, it’s just part of recovery” what a load of cobblers.

I think Vera’s post above eludes to the same thing. When you’re in recovery you take responsibility for your own actions, and choices. You have chosen to recover, if someone you look up to or inspires you cocks up and you yourself shortly follow suit then I don’t really think that you must have been in recovery. Just abstaining, (which I think is much harder than recovery, well it is in my opinion), or false recovery as Vera says. Harry makes a great point and it may well be applicable to those who claim to be in recovery but are actually in false recovery, but to those in real recovery there is only one person that will ever influence a return to gambling and that is themselves.

Anyway pleased to see you’ve posted I hope things have settled down a bit in regards to whatever the stressful issue is that you’ve had to contend with the last couple of days.

It doesn’t make any difference to me when or how often you post, (although I always like to see your posts), it’s just that since you said on Monday it was going to become your routine to post every morning you’ve missed twice.

I’m not nagging you I think we all have said at some time or other “I will post every day” or “I’m going to update every week”. It’s futile making such commitments really. Things change, life gets in the way. Today’s the day that matters.
Anyway I take nothing away from you it must feel great to get through two full weeks without gambling, after the last few years.

I can’t advise you about your friend but I don’t think either of you lead the other astray you both decide for yourself whether to gamble or not,

[i-did-it]

Thank u Geordie .
I had a reply which I deleted. Wanted to edit but battery power too low
I will reply in full later

[Anonymous]

Well you are in a hard place, where your Mothers concerned. Have you told her you are seriousley trying to quit?

Fake recovery, real recovery, abstinance, cold turkey…..at the end of the day you havnt gambled that has got to be the most important thing at the minute.

Things take time, a long bloody time for us lot. The longer we’ve been manicly gambling, lying, and deceiving the more our thought processes change, our head becomes full of shit* (excuse the language). Distorted thinking and irrational thoughts become quite natural to us without us really noticing. It takes time for that head full of shit to become a head full of clarity. Mindset as Vera puts it.

Recovery and change are both hard things to acheive, obviousley not impossible but very bloody hard all the same. To change and recover sometimes requires us to do things that we are uncomfortable with, things we feel awkward doing.

I wouldn’t suggested for one minute you blank your mum, but rather than avoiding her I would just tell her how deadly serious you are about quitting maybe on the phone. She more than likely wont believe you, so what? Youve told her, then its up to you to lead by example. Even if she has a big win at the bingo and you miss your share, so what?

Take up knitting!!! (Lol only kidding).

Youve lost loads of money gambling over the years like the rest of us. And that money just aint coming back and thats a fact. Its hard to accept at the time, its easier to accept as the time passes.

Next time your’e aware that your sister and mum are getting ready to gambling ask yourself why the feelings are building inside you. Is it the excitment, the anticipation that you might win the “big one” are you jealous. You know you’ll not talk them out of it, but you know that chances are they’ll lose money whether they can afford it or not. You are the one they should be jealous of. This time next year when you’re away on holiday paid for by the gambling you havnt done, when your house is how you want it will you still be jealous of them then? I doubt it very much.

In order to get that holiday, to improve that house you have to get through each and every day one at a time, you are capable of it you will change more and more as the time passes.

Life will be boring, and quite sad at times, but there will also be good things and genuine happiness along the way. YOU CAN DO THIS.

We all have our own take on what recovery is all about. It’s not all about one thing there are lots of avenues that we have to walk down to get there. I have said over the years, “its all about honesty, particularly self-honesty,” or “its all about awareness” “its all about acceptance” “its all about change,” “its all about support” At the time I said those things I had belief in what I was saying. I believe we need all them things in great abundance, it takes time to get there, it really does.

I think its good youve mentioned Vera in your post, I think shes a kindly woman and if she knows your story better than most she may well be deliberatly contridicting you, but if she is maybe its because she knows you. And a good friend will not just sit there and nod their head if they think you are mistaken.

I had a feeling things werent quite tickety boo between you two, I hope I’m wrong in this. You cant go into the carpark for a punch up so if you have differences of opinions try and get your heads together and work things out. You can help each other, we all can but falling out for one reason or another will not help either of you. I hope you can settle your rift if there is one. Maybe Vera thnks you’re not being completely honest in your posts, you may have told her something away from GT that you have represented differently in your posts. I dont know. But I think it was a wise move voicing how you feel.

I like your reply on my thread, I’ll reply to it there.

Hope you have a safe weekend IDI.

Take care.

Geordie.

[i-did-it]

Ah Geordie ,
I so wish I hadn’t deleted my post now .
I kinda chickened out of the honesty thing.
I get so panicked when I say what I really am feeling .
I actually went to the online support after I wrote that post , bents Sam’s ear and my battery was so low then I had to delete as I couldn’t edit .

I have discussed with my mum several times – it is strange – she likes us all to be in it together . When we go I spend ten times what they do – so I guess I am more addicted than them. I don’t know . I just know for now I need to give myself breathing space.
I wrote already – I like how you write .
If you have something to say you explain it simply, at length and with no room for ambiguity .
I don’t have to second guess your motives – cos what u are saying is stated so clearly . Sometimes I feel a little stir of something – it’s not anger but I want to argue with you – like when you rightly pointed out about my phone – (which i still have )- but I think it’s because I know you are right . I find your posts very constructive and I find they challenge in a positive way . Maybe it’s because you had to work so hard for recovery you get it . I don’t know – I was expecting you to tell me off for my last post – but like I said you seem to get it .

I am not being completely honest on here – but I am not telling any untruths – just some stuff I am afraid will identify me or I don’t feel this is the place to write about it . I still hold fear about writing about my marriage for example, and when I do I get responses like take the plank out of my own eye . It is unhelpful to feel unheard or for people to impose their own views on my situation. In truth I sometimes feel quite domineered.

The part of recovery I struggle with most is honesty . I am kinda hoping things will be ok and I can obliterate the past number of years from my memory and never talk about it again. I hope I change as my recovery progresses . I hope I can face telling the truth to the people I should be able to trust with it – not quite sure who they are at the moment .

Maybe I am in real recovery now because my recent posts are as honest as I have ever been .
Day 16 today – half way through the month .

I know I will not gamble today .

[finding_laura]

Hey I-D-I
sorry I missed chat! Dang it! PC volume was on not sure why it wasn’t making any noise when everyone was signing in and chatting! Although I spent a lot of time reading the latest posts on your thread. Lots to digest, i love Geordie’s posts as there are always lots of little nuggets of good advice and experience to dig out.

I have always held back some what on some details here at GT when it comes to my marriage and other perhaps identifying details. I live in a very small community and was always so afraid of being identified. I also wanted to be able to be honest here about recovery mistakes. I laughed a little when I read Geordie’s sentiment about “slips being a part of recovery” being a load of potatoes! I’ve probably used that one myself. lol. Yet I think sometimes its the thought behind the statement. We can’t go back and erase something. We can just look at what we can do differently to make sure it turns out differently. It sounds like this time you are making some big changes. The switch has been flicked! Week 3 Wohoo. You made it through some tough things this week. Real recovery is downright scary. It involves doing things truly outside our comfort zone. Admitting to things we’ve done that we’d rather hide out of the sunlight. Or it was for me anyway. Be proud of your success and build on it. One tool at a time. Enjoy the rest of the weekend!
Laura
P.S. I’m adding in that if you ever felt you couldn’t deal with everything within your GA group I wouldn’t hesitate to seek some counseling as well. I had to layer my supports. GA, GT, Gambling addictions counseling, medical support.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura for your post ,
Ok I have decided I am not in real recovery yet but I think I am tiptoeing towards it -I am a slow walker.
Today is day 17- it feels good to have clocked up so many days. It feels nothing short of miraculous .
Because it hasn’t been all that difficult and yet only a few short weeks ago I was writing that I am afraid I will never stop.

What have I done differently ?

I have written on here diligently and honestly ON MY OWN THREAD.
I have attended GA .
I have stopped ALL gambling and am super aware of anything that even hints at gambling .
I have taken steps to avoid triggers(people in my case ) no matter how difficult hat has been for me .
I have become more open in my finances
I have fixed any shortcuts I could have taken with my phone blocker

What have I continued with ?

I have continued to attend online groups and online chats .
I have not given up financial control
I have continued to pay for my phone gambling blocker
I have continued to post on other’s threads and encourage them where I can.

P nailed it – she always said if what you are doing is not working, add more . Laura , I think that is what you are saying also- if all the support I currently have is not enough , add more support,

I never thought my gambling was masking anything- today I am just realising that although I push myself to do stuff I feel afraid of a lot of situations- I was afraid to go to GA- I stayed online with Charles until I was in the room- i was afraid I mite end up in a room full or worse in a room with one or two dangerous men. I was afraid walking to my car after and kept checking none of them followed me – I know it must read very silly to others – a helpful text last week to tell me the venue had changed started a fear that I was being duped into going into an unsafe situation.- I really don’t feel very safe in life – I don’t think I have the quick thinking and energy to leave dangerous situations which I had in my youth – and yet now I have the wisdom not to get into those situations-
I think maybe if I went to counselling it might help with these fears- -but I’m kinda afraid to go …

[finding_laura]

I’ve often heard it said, through my Addictions counsellor, or reading, that the gambling is only 10% of the problem that we see. The rest lays beneath the surface like an iceburg. Most of us have been gambling for years by the time we seek help. And there are problems beneath the surface that either contributed to the gambling in the beginning maybe, or are the result of some of the consequences of gambling addiction. An example for me was that pre gambling Laura was a fanatical truth teller. And I had no respect for anyone who lied. Rock bottom gambling Laura had been lying either directly or through lies of omission for the past several years. This was a new trait that I now had to learn how to deal with, reverse. Not to mention the baggage of lying to my family and putting them in possible financial dire straits. I think I’m saying this because as you say you are tip toeing towards real recovery. And learning what it will take for you, because your story is unique, to be gamble free and in recovery. I was afraid to go to counselling too. She turned out to be a lovely non judgemental lady who helped me with me. She gave me more tools and just having someone to talk to who was so insightful I will be forever greatful. Not every counsellor is great. Not everyone is meant for us. If you try one and don’t like them don’t go back. I’ve done it before in the past. Just find a better one. You are worth it. Your family is worth it. Sometimes I think gambling addicts have lost the fight within ourselves. Real recovery means finding the fire within you to fight for you. Your list of accomplisments is great. Look at all you are doing. Soon these become the new habits and feel the norm. Feel proud of yourself IDI. Have a great day.
Laura
P.S. Sorry if I ramble sometimes, I am medicated lol

[micky]

Hi i-did-it if you feel counselling will help then try it, i did but it didn’t work for me but i tried it. On the home front i’m on day 19 and your on day 17 if it helps were on day 36 between us ?? . Keep doing what your doing , keeping focused and posting on here and post what you are feeling . M.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura and Micky
Laura I think you may be right – funny when I am in action (was in action – that’s my past) I thought I had no problems except a gambling addiction – now I am clean for a short while I can see a host of issues I have – so yes your iceberg sounds about right .
Micky we are doing well- clocking up our days nicely – I was happy to read in your thread u are having a nice calm day .
So tomorrow is day 18- the days are adding up –
I am feeling hopeful, blessed and positive.
God is walking with me
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

[i-did-it]

Day 18- feeling happy and enormously relieved.
I also feel kind of frightened today.
I feel frightened of where I would be if I hadn’t stopped.
I feel frightened of where I will be if I return to gambling .

If God allows my health to prevail I still have over an decade to work before I retire . I can turn a lot of things around by having a more responsible attitude to money. I also know that everything can change in the blink of an eye.
It is time to be sensible in life and make the right decisions.
Another change I didn’t mention in my earlier post is that I have totally accepted is that I will never be saved by a big win.
It’s down to me .

Day 18- something is making me feel scared about the future .
I am scared that I won’t have enough time to pull it back together.
However I know that whatever happens in the future just for today I will not gamble

[micky]

Funny how things pan out, iv’e been attending a fellowship group most sunday mornings ( unless i’m at work or away) so your Gospel message Isaiah 41:10 was quite a pleasant surprise . Thank you . M.

[i-did-it]

That’s brilliant Micky that my post spoke to you in some way.

In the morning I will be on day 19-
I am trying to take one day at a time but sometimes it’s hard not to look ahead. I am kinda getting excited that I am nearly on week three …
Now while I have tackled small things there had been more abstinence that recovery in this 19 days .
I am not sure why but I seem to be so bored and unable to manage time on my hands – I remember before I gambled regularly I never watched tv- my life was just too full for it – now I can’t think of anything else to do .

I need to plan but my brain comes up empty. I really don’t have that many interests left- some of my old interests I am gone to old, fat or stiff for .

It’s like huge parts of my brain have shut down or gone rusty.

Still I will take abstinence over gambling every day

[i-did-it]

Day 19-
Hurricane Ophelia has passed and it seems life has returned to normal- when the country was in lock down yesterday I did not know how to fill my time- instead of making the most of unexpected time in the house I spent most of the day using online support sites – today I am thinking maybe it is just as well. Maybe I am not yet ready for those unexpected days yet and although I feel I wasted the day at least I did not gamble . I stayed up much too late and realised I was having urges – a lot of my gambling was done after the rest of the family was in bed – old habits die hard .
I am two days off three weeks – the time doesn’t seem to be going so fast now – it seems like forever since I gambled .
I feel the impatience which is one of my biggest faults returning.
I was reading Lizbeth’s thread and I was completely awestruck by her honesty and her determination – it made me remember lots of the stuff I used to post –

in my life there is someone who treats me in a most disrespectful manner – it hurts most not because of how I am spoken to but because it happens often in front of my child. It should hurt because I am worth more – but it really doesn’t .
I talked last night on group about how I often cannot be bothered to assert myself because I feel numb- like what’s the big deal – like it doesn’t really matter .
I sometimes cannot believe the mistakes I have made in life – I cannot believe where I have ended up .

The great thing about not gambling is we end up eventually having money – and money gives us choices . In many ways it suits the “non-cg ” partner for us to have an addiction – we are never going anywhere if we are skint . Maybe that’s all part of enabling – I am starting to think that enabling is a form
Of control… and of course they are always the victims and we are always in the wrong .
When your life and your happiness feels controlled by others you seek escape – sometimes the wrong escape .
Today I am thinking I do not need to seek escape – I need to make decisions – decisions which will make me happy and send a clear message to my child that we are all worth it .
I need to plan my life a little instead of following the impulsive course it always has –
That planning might involve staying- it might mean going – but it will definitely mean what has gradually become acceptable will no longer be acceptable .
This lady is learning from others on here – I see my story reflected in the pages of others on both forums –

Not all our stories are the same – but we all deserve total respect and once we reach adulthood , we should be allowed or control our own lives.

Day 19 – and reality is hitting hard .

[micky]

Hi i-di-i ive really enjoyed reading your last two posts their both full of honesty and most of all how you are feeling. It’s another day, day 19 thats all but at the same time a remarkable achievement bearing in mind you are battling an addiction. Today i took my car to the garage, have been for an eye test and had breakfast in town not things i can do if i’m gambling, a couple of days ago i took everything out of a cupboard and cleaned it out . I know it’s not easy but be proud of yourself on getting this far and cathchup on some tv or book that you have been meaning to read it all put’s time in . M.

[Monica1]

Hi idi.
I loved the analogy of an iceberg. This is so true. All of the things I knew were issues for me me mentally when I was gambling have transferred themselves into emotions and feelings now i am in early doors recovery. They are similar, although not the same, to your own. And I avoided dealing with these for the years I was gambling. As someone who spent most of their life at work, I now have time on my hands and I am doing much the same as yourself. I had a lot of money pre gambling which gave me choices but did not bring happiness. I now have no money and still unhappy. So maybe I am just a miserable so and so. If granted recovery I like to think I would be so much wiser. But like you idi I am an island with people making very brief visits. Any major change needs to be thought through and we need to be stronger in our recovery and journey back to ourselves before we go ahead. I am facing the same issue but can’t do anything when skint. Also, like you I cannot believe the way my life turned out. It has been one hard journey and I pray that we are granted recovery time and time to find the happiness and fulfilment that has been so elusive in this life. We bloody deserve it! Nothing less will suffice….

[i-did-it]

Sometimes when I read posts on this site I feel
I fall short .
I love your reply Monica and try as I might I cannot put words together the way others do on here.
But I do my best and I guess that’s what counts .

I am blissfully happy tonight .
Not because I am on day 20 tomorrow …
Not because I have fewer urges …
But because I think I am starting to leave absintence behind and really enter recovery .

I put my laziness aside today and pushed myself to do stuff.
Some of that stuff involved making sure my son took responsibility for stuff in his life .

I was truly inspired by a post on f and f I read this morning.
I’m not sure what is was about the post- I think it was the strength this dad is showing despite the worries he has about his son .
I’m not sure why this post impacted upon me but it spurred me on to do things , to take action with my own son.

We have had a great day – not going bowling or to the movies , but simply doing chores together and sitting together with homework .

I realised that I need to take some responsibility for teaching my son responsibility – he hasn’t had the best role model to date .
I have found it harder to connect with my son since he got older -today I realised I haven’t put the time into connecting.
Plain and simple. -I have been too distracted .

Day 20 tomorrow – feeling so blessed , so happy and so positive

[Monica1]

Hi idi.
Please don’t put yourself down. I enjoy reading your posts and I like your honesty. I spoke to my eldest son today who is having issues with his relationship and he said he cannot tell the difference between the truth and delusion, i.e. Whether his slightly paranoid thoughts are based on truth, and I said welcome to the human race. I also said that the one thing I had learned in GA was about honesty and taking off the masks. When my kids were little I did not earn much and worked long hours, so my kids and I both missed out. They both went off the rails completely in their teens, as I did, but have turned out to be wonderful human beings. I will have a look at the f and f post.

[i-did-it]

Thank you for your post Monica .
I sometimes find I get so caught up in work I forget what I am actually working for – to provide for my family .
Of course when I was gambling I could have worked a quarter of the hours and still had the same amount of money .
I guess I will be playing catchup for the next number of years.
One thing that not gambling has made me realise is that I don’t have to forever climb the career ladder.
It is ok to stop and say this is where I am comfortable – this is the amount of time, stress and mind space I am going to give to this job. The rest of for family and myself .
What ever it was that I was searching for in my career , my gambling and any other distractions has been here under my nose all along .

Today is day 20- almost three weeks .
It hasn’t been all that difficult . The urges have been few.
I have not yet been tested by an urge which is like a juggernaut – I am hoping that by saying completely gamble free such an urge does not get the opportunity to take hold .

I have given up on the big win.
I have given up on winning back .

I know hard work and sacrifice – making the right choices , being less impulsive – I know if I do these things for a few years I will have a really good life .

I know what is important in life and it isn’t some big job title which I need to have an addiction of some kind to manage .

I am happy today a I know at last I am capable of making good decisions for the right reasons .

I am not going to say onwards and upwards – I am going to say keep plodding slowly , carefully and with purpose .

[Anonymous]

You put your self across great IDI, I read the same post in F+F and for me it helps to nail home, just how sick I really was with gambling and all things associated. We don’t consider the effects on our loved when actually gambling to the extremes but reading things like that just re-affirms why me must never return to it.

To me the only proven method I’ve known to work for CGs is to keep on using support long after you’ve stopped gambling.

I’m off work tonight and as of yet I have nothing planned. So hopefully I’ll be able to plonk myself and chill out.

I’m not home from work yet, but have finished my deliveries thankfully, I have one minute left of a thirty minute driving break and then about an hours drive back, possibly an hour and a half with London rush hour traffic and horrible rain.

Take care.

[finding_laura]

Good morning I-did-it. I haven’t been around much for a few days. I had an installer in on Monday running lines for a TV satellite system so I spent the weekend pushing myself to do as much cleaning as possible. My husband and sons also did a lot so the house is starting to come together. I also had another medical appointment. All that to say I didn’t see your last post on my thread til last night for some reason. Yes it was an awful group and I’m glad that you haven’t dwelled on it. I was in group chat last night and it was like nothing ever happened. I still didn’t feel very comfortable and left shortly after.

I’m having problems stringing words together this morning. But the gyst of it is that your posts are perfectly fine. I get a lot out of reading them. And I guess the most important thing is you get a lot out of writing and reading them yourself. Your thread is here for you. Not to add extra pressure of being a pulitzer prize winning author ?? I do that to myself all the time. Go back and think wow, what was I saying, or i was having a bad posting day. I think you have started getting deeper into issues with yourself and that comes through in your latest posts.

Speaking of which, I owe Geordie a deep post. Not sure if I’ll string those words together today but that hasn’t stopped the thinking he caused!

I hope you have a good day,
Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie and Laura – it’s so nice to have posts on my thread but I know at times I post everywhere and at times I can’t face it . I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to write me .

In the morning I will be on day 21- three full weeks since I stayed up practically all night gambling and went to work on two hours sleep- or an attempted two hours sleep .
It feels like forever since I gambled and yes I can feel complacency starting to creep in- and even a few urges .
I am forgetting how bad it was – I am forgetting how horrible I felt with no sleep and no money .

This is where Geordie’s point about keeping up support long after you have stopped gambling makes sense .
We need to go to GA and hear the newbies who are in the depth of pain. I now understand why the man I texted at GA thanked me for helping him – I did help him – I helped him remember the pain.

So tomorrow I have reached three full weeks .
And tonight I am kinda missing gambling.
But I also know not to trust feelings – actions are what matters and there will be no gambling action tonight .
Nite all.

[vera]

I heard a member who is 30 years free say to a new member
“Give GA a try for 90 meetings; If by then , you don’t want to come back, we will shake hands and you can take back all your misery and pain”.
Do you miss the misery and pain, I-did-t or it just the gambling you miss?
Sadly, we can’t have one without the other.

[Anonymous]

Eventually IDI we do learn, I could ask you this, “what do you miss”

If you’re like me you wont be able to explain exactly what it is, because as soon as you deposit you regret it. The buzz, the excitment just isnt there anymore.

Nevertheless you’ve deposited so you carry on with it, then comes the chasing then comes the zombie mode, click click, spin spin.

Its mental, bloody mental.

This is when “just for today” kicks in IDI just for today dont bloody do it. Youve nothing to prove by it and nothing to gain. It dosnt have to be hard to say no, we just think it is sometimes.

I’ve just written a response to Jonny, didnt really want to, but I did its taken me since 7pm, go and read it, it will take you an hour!!!

3 weeks man, you havnt gambled for three weeks did you ever think that possible? Life may not be a box of chocolates or bed of roses yet but keep on fighting this like L’oreale, you’re worth it.

If you were to gamble it would take you at least another three weeks to get back to this stage (the gambling might last days though, or months or may never stop) say no , and in another three weeks you will be six weeks free, things will be a bit easier for you.

Dont do it.

I dont for one minute think you will, just doing my stating the obvious, tactic. :-~)

[i-did-it]

Day 21 – at the end of today I will be three weeks free-

Feels like forever since I gambled

Thanks Vera and Micky for your posts

I’m not sure what I was missing last night – when I think about gambling this morning it feels dirty- the kind of dirty where you have to hide .
I remember going to land casinos and how I could hardly breathe as I walked through the doors – I remember how I tried to look “normal” as even on the walk there I felt full of shame . I felt everyone was looking at me and thinking what a “dirty”” person.

I remember glancing at the cashiers with a slight look of shame and then walking to my machine and feeling a sense of relief, calm and anticipation.
When I discovered online slots my dirty little secret became even more secret – although I didn’t have the walk of shame – online gambling meant the disease progressed at an alarming rate.

Here I am today – three full weeks gamble free- I can feel the urges simmering somewhere beneath the surface but not really bubbling to to top- they are waiting for an opportunity – the bully in my head is waiting until I am weak , until my awareness drops , until it knows i am powerless to resist .

The thing is I don’t have to be powerless . I can take the Power now while I am strong and put things in place which will prevent the bully from overpowering me .
In life I would avoid always a bully – I can avoid the bully in my head too.

Day 21 – just for today I will not gamble .

[kathryn]

Wow I loved that last post, that walk of shame I remember it all too well. Glancing sideways at people you have never seen sure in the fact that they KNOW! Not making eye contact with anyone, god forbid someone talks to you…..I remember it like yesterday and thank you so much for reminding me, that kind of pain/fear/anxiety diminishes over time.
I’m obviously not self excluded in the USA, but I have the best barrier of all…..my best friend Jodie who has been through my addiction with me, watching from the sidelines and who was amazing when my world came crashing down.
Anyway, I wanted to give you a big fat woohoo for your 3 weeks. We are never cured but 3 weeks of not gambling today is just awesome!
Take care, love K xxx

[Monica1]

Yes, agree with this so much. I only ever gambled on line and yes, the disease did progress at an alarming rate. Just think with all the ads how many people are still caught up in giving every penny to this bunch of misery Pedlars. I mean, even in my own family, mum and sister daily scratch cards, my boys, live and on line poker, my nieces ex, prison through gambling and drug addiction. Feels like sodom and Gomorrah i.e. Darkness and sin made the norm in society. Anyway, well done idi and hope to catch you in a facilitated group at some point. The open groups I think I will give a miss.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Kathryn and Monica for your continued support – we will never do the walk of shame again- at least not today , and we will never get caught up in online gambling again- at least not today .

So I start week four tomorrow .
That’s day 24.

I always think when u get to the second monthly pay check without gambling you really start to see the difference .

You have more of an idea of how much you can afford to pay back.
I saved a little and paid back a little this month – I might have left myself a little short .
It seems a be a very long month – perhaps because it crossed five weekends
I had gone through a period of time when I didn’t watch it for pay day – I knew I had enough to tide me over
I can’t wait to get there again.
I feel
Kinda relieved about some things tonight – I think talking helps and some very kind people let me talk
A lot in group .
Open group was good tonight .
You could talk more openly than in recent weeks without people misunderstanding what was being said and resorting to name calling . It was good to have that support back.
I missed it .

Not much else to add. Week four here I come.

[Monica1]

I enjoyed the groups tonight I did it to the extent I did 4 or maybe 5 through to the midnight one with me and p, from the start with the 7pm new members one. I think because I missed GA this week I needed them. I need the support,with so much emotions coming in that I had cut myself off from. I feel a bit like a baby. Particularly when I feel the things that. Are me angry and I so do not want to cry at a GA meeting, I had to leave promptly last week or else they would have seen my blubbering, I am sorry that you had name calling in a group, that is unacceptable, I think we need to be completely non judgmental at these things because this addiction is so,tough on the mental health. I think the word I am looking for,is compassion. I know I have it for all humans who are suffering but particularly for this addiction. It has taken us to places that are so painful and miserable and destroys lives. But not today for us or tomorrow. Am at GA tomorrow evening but will try and catch a group soon.

[i-did-it]

Thank you for your reply Monica – I am running a little late this morning so will reply on your thread later.

Today is day 22- the start of week four .
Today I have had a disappointment – a let down.
I keep thinking. I am not going to let it make me bitter while all the time I am feeling a new hardness growing .
How do continue to smile when u have been s*** upon time and time again?
How do you continue to be upbeat when u feel hurt and let down ?
I guess this is where my assertiveness should Come in and I should explain why I’m upset – however experience has taught me that this is the last thing I should do .
So it’s a grin and bear it day .
It’s a carry my pain quietly day.
But it’s also a non gambling day and for that I am grateful.

Life doesn’t become perfect once we stop gambling .
It sometimes feels like it’s always me but I guess lots of people feel like that.

Not sure how I am going to lift myself today – sometimes I feel the fact that I bounce back and don’t hold grudges let’s people think I am a perpetual doormat .

Week 4- not sure how I am feeling .

[lizbeth4]

Hi I-did-it, I hope you have a wonderful day! Sometimes life seems harder when we are not gambling but dealing with things. Being disappointed or let down has lead me to gambling many times. I don’t have the answer to getting through these feelings. I just try to find the good and positive things in my day and try to let the bad stuff go! Sometimes easier said than done. You are on a good path. Don’t let anything stand in your way!

[i-did-it]

Thank u Lizbeth – my day has gotten progressively worse – not true actually – mymood has gotten progressively worse . So I have decided to take action and do something I want to do – and no spoilt moaning husband or children are going to stand in my way . This mama means business !

People talk about gamblers being selfish- wonder did anyone ever think it’s the selfishness of non gamblers that drives us to try to grab a little of life for ourselves – except we endedup doing it the wrong way .
I am rewriting the rules in my house – I no longer come last – my feelings or needs no longer come last – I will continue to support and care for everyone but I will not sacrifice my happiness to their moods !
So off to enjoy myself on my terms and yes – u do all have to go ! Ha!

[Anonymous]

I hope your moods gotten a bit better IDI, where’d you go?

[Monica1]

Hi idi. Been to GA tonight so not posted today.
My last relapse was triggered by a big disappointment. What I have learned through GA is that it does not matter what the trigger or disappointment is, there isn’t an excuse that should trigger us to gamble. It was one of the first things I learned on quite a deep level, particularly as the disappointment that triggered my last self destruct,was,quite a big one. Plus,whoever said that you have to grin and bear it when we are upset or feeling emotional? It,is hard feeling these emotions that seem to rear their heads in early recovery. I walk out of meetings before I blub! I know that I have,put up with tons of crap,in my life until I decide that I no longer will. It has taken me a very long time indeed to get to that point. We need to understand why we are feeling that way and then do something positive about it. If angry, don’t lose,it, but just say what is making you angry. It sounds like you have made some positive steps,today anyway. What did you do?

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica and Geordie ,
Will tell I what I did in group ..
Sitting by a nice open fire now relaxing .
Well I’m trying to relax.

Tomorrow is day 23.
I guess a good thing is that I haven’t felt like gambling .
I did however get an email from a casino I haven’t visited in ages to tell me that there was money in my account .
It didn’t say how much – I had to log in to find out .
It was so tempting
I cannot stop these emails without logging I to the account so I guess I’m stuck with them.
Falling asleep as I write this – nothing like a coal fire

[Monica1]

Delete it or e mail back and self exclude. You do not have to go into your account. I remember in a period of abstinence, not recovery when I got 10 10 quid spins free by email. I asked my son to play them, as i dare not and all the time got the flutters and that feeling again until he told me what happened. One win early on and then they played right through, as they do. It is a tempting con and it is rigged just like cash back. never wins. They know what happens i.e. Deposit and they rely on it. I delete any random bonus emails I get or Email back support and say I am a cg, don’t send me emails. Logging into existing accounts is danger territory. And what are you doing with an active account?

[i-did-it]

There were all kinds of hoops to jump through to close the account Monica so I set all the limits
So low I couldn’t deposit .
I needed to stop immediately at the time .

Now I think it was a mistake – then I felt I had no choice

[Monica1]

That at least isa good thing. Some of these on line casinos make it so,hard to self exclude, even by not being able to,find it on the site. Can you not just email support and close the account?

[i-did-it]

Monica ,I won’t go near that site .
My mindset has changed .
But I will email them right now and try close it.
They are relentless

Day 23 – still feeling low and hurt .
It is what it is – I have never been bitter , jealous or resentful.
I always thought it wasn’t in my nature.

Maybe gambling masked my true nature.
Maybe I’m not as forgiving as I thought.
Maybe I’m no longer jolly old ??? who won’t mind.

I don’t really know – but I feel my goodwill slowly evaporating.
No I find it is evaporating at an alarming rate.
I find myself inventing all kinds of scenarios in my head where I will win a minor victory – in a passive aggressive way .
I feel such a resentment growing – how do you survive the unfairness of the world and still stay soft inside ?
Do people remain soft or do we have to harden?
What’s the best way to recover when you have been dropped from a great height ?
Anyone know ?
I always heard the best revenge is to live well – bit hard when u have gambled every spare penny you have had for years .

If writing is so therapeutic why am I crying so much …?
Is this what a breakdown is ?

I don’t know the answers to any of the above but I am glad I am not gambling .

[vera]

When we feel we have been treated unjustly, the best we can do is confront the injustice and talk it out with the people concerned.
Take notes. Contemporaneous notes are crucial if the injustice is of a legal/professional nature.
Not dealing with an injustice often means we allow it to build up in our mind. We imagine the worst case scenarios . Everything becomes magnified. And we find bitterness creeping in. The best cure for bitterness is to prevent it entering in the first place. When it takes hold we need to go back to the drawing board. Forgive the person who treated you unjustly for a start. Holding on and replaying the situation in our imagination will solve nothing. On the contrary, it will add to the resentment and increase the bitterness.
Writing is therapeutic.
Tears can bring healing.
Gambling masks many things and solves nothing.

[Monica1]

I ask myself the same questions. Who I was a 54 pre cancer is not who I am now. I got angry inside at the unfairness and loneliness of it all and I gambled. I felt and still do that I was in a stagnating situation, Things and ourselves do change as we get older. One thing I can say is that you are not havng a breakdown idi. This situation has upset you and you need, in a calm way to get some clarity on it. I see the unfairness and the cruelty in this crazier by the minute world and sometimes it upsets me a lot. But we do our little bit, we pray and focus on the good things like love p, family and ***** our blessings. Some days I say I can walk, talk, breathe and occasionally eat. And in my situation, sometimes that is just enough. When we get older I think we are like the film as good as it gets. Sometimes our dreams are crushed, as mine have been, with all the wasted learning. But I am not giving up, I got past that. With the gambling was me giving up. And it gets us precisely nowhere. More pain and more suffering. You will be ok idi. Change is difficult, particularly in the workplace. You need to stop upsetting yourself about it and get some clarity on the whole situation and your position in it. And you will come through it.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Vera and Monica for your replies .

Both of you give really good advice -and reading it has lifted me . I am blessed in so many ways and I realise that the People on here are part of that blessing . Both your posts have reinforced what I have been thinking .
I feel a little better – I went and looked up quotes from the bible on doors closing .
And as I read I realised I had poured so much energy and genuine caring into one area of my life I maybe hadn’t taken the time to pursue other things which I have always wanted to do.
I realised that a door closing really is another door opening because it makes us take stock of where our lives are at.

I realised it was always going to be me because I am always the one who would carry on regardless and be there to pick up everybody else’s pieces. I am the one who had a sense of duty bordering on being a doormat which would never allow be to slack or huff . I am realising that while I have many faults it is my good qualities that have strangely gone against me in this instance – no one has to tip toe around me.

So I have decided that is no longer me – I am not going to be bitter and twisted – but I am taking my time back pursue things for me . If people want to perceive my actions as sour grapes that is none of my business . I am taking my time back and I am using it for me .

I feel a door opening – a really big one- a really great one .

I am starting to see that this isn’t a set back – this is a time for me to follow a big dream that has always seemed impossible.

I might sound like I have gone crazy but I have always bounced back fast – I am a perpetual optimist – which is probably why I found gambling so attractive .

It’s day 23 and change is happening and I am excited about it . When one door closes , sometimes it’s not worth the personal effort of tying to reopen it . A closed door means looking for open ones .
Today I am saying
Onwards and upwards

( I might be on here crying again later lol- change is unsettling)

[p]

Hello there chickadee

I am so happy to read you are on day 23 well done!!!!
Oh i can totally relate to the questioning, to the emotions.
I do think in the first while in recovery things come out, things seem magnified and it sometimes feels like having a breakdown. Maybe it even is in a way. A breakdown of the old ways. Letting go of addiction and all it masked.
There will be stuff under the surface it has to come out somehow. Gambling allowed us not to feel, well i speak for me but say us as i dont know if this is the same but figure of speech i guess.
It will settle down IDI. The big difference is you are noticing things and being aware. The situations you are doing through have they always been there and you not seen them because of gambling, or are you now aware of them now you are not. Whatever it is you are seeing things and trying to deal with them the best you can at the moment. its hard at first in recovery, its hard still later, days are just like that. Recovery doesnt mean rose coloured glasses, it means welcome to reality. Sometimes its harsh and raw.
Proud of you for for how far you have come and your continuing effort. Hang in there IDI.. i do love the open doors you are seeing. I want to hear about what is on the other side of them.

P

[Jonny123987]

Good job I Did It. 23 days is a major accomplishment. I imagine having that many days under your belt is feeling pretty great. This is a long haul for all of us. Stay the course and don’t ever place another wager.

[i-did-it]

Thank you P- I hope things settle as I am going from resigned and happy with my life to tearful all day . I feel like a “has been”.
Thank you also Johnny – I read your post on your own thread – it filled me with hope .

I noticed Rainman has just posted – it’s been a while since He posted on here so I read over his thread –
There was a post written by me on there advising him how I had finally stopped and stayed stopped – it was from 2016. I was giving him advice because I knew what to do .
I felt kinda embarrassed reading it but then the penny dropped .
None of us can ever say we “stayed stopped ”
We can number the days but really every day is a day one
Every day is a day when we have to work hard at not gambling, because all of us are just one gamble away from being back to where we started .
Tomorrow I will be 24 days gamble free.
Tomorrow is another day when I will not gamble .
I will never be able gamble like people who can gamble and stop.
My body works differently.
Day 24 tomorrow
Feeling regretful tonight as I look back and wish I could change the past .

Ps. Please don’t quote the serenity prayer to me lol.

[Monica1]

Yes, I am still awake and just caught your post on Jonnys thread. What struck me was your love for your job. What I am Going to say is from experience. Don’t let what has happened get in the way of something that you love to do. In other words don’t throw the the baby out with the bath water. I think you are probably very good at what you do and make a real difference idi. it is a very rewarding job. I have confidence that you will do the right thing.

[i-did-it]

Day 24.
Went to bed really late .
Woke up really early .
Have made some decisions –
Realised things mostly because of the bitterness I feel today .
– it’s like I have been given a rude awakening .
Things will change in my life – some people may not like those changes- that’s their issue not mine .
My priorities have been all wrong . They are changing – they have changed
There will be dinner and a nice smile to greet my child every day when he arrives in from school because I will be there !
It’s a dangerous strategy to reward the slackers – you might find everyone else learns from them .

Looking forward to my improved work-life balance .

[vera]

Every day that passes by, takes us a day further away from the bet but also means we are a day older…nearer to the “hasbeen” stage. All the more reason none of us is free to waste time gambling.
I used to think “I don’t want to grow old in the casino”, but when I looked in the mirror I knew I had grown old. Very old! Gambling ages us. There is no doubt about that. The stress, strain, grief, borrowing, wheeling and dealing not to mention the distances that I drove.
Do I want to do all that again? All for the sake of a “buzz” that didn’t even exist in the end? Sometimes I get vague flashbacks, happy memories, “magic moment” images. Mainly thoughts of walking through the door and placing a note in the “slot”. Sick thoughts , that I never dwell on. It takes a long long time for the human brain to obliterate images and memories.
I think that every CG has “another bet in him/her” . I have heard men in GA telling how they went back gambling after 20 years. They did it by choice. None of us ever woke up in the bookies or in the casino, real or virtual.
Yes, I did put some effort into not gambling, I-did-it but not half as much as I put into gambling . The strides I went to so that I could spend endless hours in a casino would be considered incredible if not deranged to a non gambler. I remember telling you I was standing at the gate waiting for the “agent” to arrive with a high interest loan….and I would vow and swear “not this time will I gamble one cent” and the following day I would be screaming at myself and pulling my hair out literally asking why, w h y WHY did I do it AGAIN???!!! And so it continued until I just could not take any more.
I honestly don’t think I have another recovery in me.
I drove into the train station today…couldn’t get the parking meter to work. Took a number off the wall with the intention of phoning when I got on the train to pay the fee to keep clampers away…pushed my way through the crowds alighting six other trains. Saw the train on the platform. “Portlairge” . Elbowed the ticket guy to let me through saying “I’ll get my ticket on the train” only to be told “The train doors are closed love, can’t let you through”. I gave him an evil look and came back to the car park only to find the car two up from mine, clamped. I would have been next…I hate missing trains. I hate being clamped even more.
Is this RECOVERY?
When I gambled I got loads of parking tickets and on more than one occasion got locked in underground car parks that I would have entered “for an hour” at 2pm only to return at 2am. In the past I would have driven straight to a casino because “missing a train means I am entitled to gamble”. Not today. Today I came home…only to be greeted with an earful from “himself”for being so stupid and irresponsible and selfish (the car I was driving is not taxed) Again, a “reason” to gamble and “sort him out”.
..NAW!!
Not today. Too much effort.
I still didn’t collect the money even though I drove past the place where I know it is.
Maybe tomorrow.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Vera .
Day 25
No time to write but will do later

[i-did-it]

Day 25- I have just left my GA meeting .

Less scary this time and I actually spoke .
Think I sounded silly .

The man who gambled this week looked at me in disgust I think but maybe the disgust was at himself . Maybe it’s ok for men to be sneaky and gamble but a woman should be better than that ? Not sure .

Knew I had it go tonight cos I got a very familiar feeling.

I felt I was cured !

Been cured so often it’s beyond funny .

[Anonymous]

Good for you for going, that man was probably jealous.

It gets beyond funny, you’re right there. Flaming heck IDI whens the last time you can honestly say you’ve had 25 days without a gamble?

You should be very proud of yourself, I am. Is a start, a good foundation and something solid to build on.

I hope you can learn from Kathryn and Laura, it dosn’t matter how long we go without it it is always going to be in us. Ongoing support is a necessity I think.

Having said that I’m planning to curtail my GT a bit this week think I’ve overdosed on it.

I have a new flat mate moving in any minute now and also my partner has been in touch and I’m going to spend my time trying to sort things out once and for all with her, which will probably mean a trip to Devon.

I will write about my experience in the coma though, for me it is important I stick to my word. Not sticking to commitments was a big part of the old me and a trait most of us CG’s have in common.

Well done on speaking, was it a pleasant experience, did it do you any benefit do you think?

You remind me a lot of how p was to be honest, and I know you can continue living without gambling, we all can.

One of the hardest things I think for me, was accepting that I could change, really change.

I hope I have, well I know I have, I also know just how quickly that can all change, like you I’ve been cured loads of times.

Not this time though, I’ll never be cured I fully accept that.

Take care.

[i-did-it]

Hi Geordie ,
I think I never remember having 25 days without a gamble.
Even as a child I used play cards for pennies

Yes this is new and this is good .
It is changing me too – maybe my character isn’t improving much – but my priorities seem to be rearranging themselves.

I am thinking of letting go management responsibilities at work and putting the time into family .
I am thinking I will lose a little pay but then I remember I have been using only a small fraction of my pay for living expenses .
I want to have the time to explore other things which I never could in the past.
Maybe I am simply losing my marbles – who asks to be demoted ?

Speaking wasn’t all that pleasant – I think i didn’t know where to start and there were so many people to talk. I ran out of steam very fast – maybe because I have lived like a saint !!

I think for me I have to accept that I cannot change – or I will never be cured
.i like other things that are happening in my life tho – I am getting my son back -we had been less close of late – little wonder when I have spent the Last eight years of his young life trying to get him to go and amuse himself – so mummy could amuse herself –
I have a quiet contentment growing inside me – it’s growing slowly and it’s partner is sadness –
Tonight I felt so deeply sad over my daddy – I felt like my guts were being pulled from deep inside me – and he died a decade ago .

I think maybe I am a little crazy and the gambling masked it . My moods are changing like never before – but then I am a lady of a certain agen so maybe that’s it .

[finding_laura]

Hi I Did it,
I’m here reading your thread and didn’t realize there was a group. I’m signed in now if you are still here

[finding_laura]

Hello IDI, it is late for me but I managed to have a long afternoon nap. I’m not sure what your work situation is exactly so that makes me hesitant to say too much about it. However, if you will still be financially stable (as long as you don’t gamble) and it will give you the time and space to devote to yourself and your family, I can’t see that being a bad thing. I missed big chunks of time with my kids that I will never get back.
Working on ourselves can also be time consuming and if you can give yourself some space to do it that is great.
Gambling changes our brains. When we stop it takes a long time for things to come back to some semblance of normal. Chemicals are shifting and changing. Emotions so strong. But eventually the gambling fog clears and you can see things the way they are. I’ll try and do some digging for a resource that explained what I’m trying to say much clearer. I referred to it a lot in my early days.
I can understand using gambling to escape feeling the emotions of losing someone. Many GA members that I knew crossed the line into addiction with the loss of a loved one.
Be proud of your 25 days, they have come with a lot of hard work on your part. Take care IDI, Laura

[Anonymous]

See I don’t disagree with everyone all the time.

I don’t think its such a bad idea either. Too much responsibility at work nearly always leads us to bringing our work problems home, and it takes up our personal time.

I’ve heard people say that they grieve for the gambling when its gone from their lives. I used to agree with them and I thought I was grieving for it for years and years. Now I completely disagree with that. But I think there is a similarity. The similarity I think is that just like when we’ve suffered a bereavement, we have to accept that that person is gone, forever. Of course we will never ever “get over it” but we do learn to accept in time. The acceptance never happens immediately we do mourn and we do grieve bereavement is a horrible thing to have to contend with. I do understand what Laura says and I’ve met enough people in my life to know many do end up with an addiction after a bereavement, this is, I think because they can not accept the passing of a loved one, for some people it is just too hard to accept, the alternative to acceptance is to escape. The ones that do accept it after time be it a week or a month or years later are helped to accept it by knowing that the person who has gone from their life forever would not want them to be miserable or sad. They would want them to have a happy life and not to mourn forever.

I think where you have an ace up your sleeve IDI is that you accept the money you have gambled has gone forever. I think many people mourn the loss of that money, they cant get over it and throw themselves back into work not taking time off, working stupid shifts to replace that money. Again not really accepting but escaping. But it has gone.

To accept what you’ve done and what you’ve lost money wise is a very very hard thing to do.

So you will have to take a pay cut, so what. Your life will probably be a lot brighter, and happiness is worth a lot more than money.

Acceptance IDI, as you know is a huge part of recovery.

Don’t grieve for the gambling it is and always was shit, its never really made you happy, but maybe played a part in helping you to escape from rather than accept the unpleasantness in life, as you know its not all singing and dancing.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura – I saw you had posted and popped into group on the off chance you would be there-I think I fell asleep very fast after that . I would be really interested in reading that resource .
Geordie everything you say is so true .
I think I have two aces up my sleeve

–
1. I know he money is gone and is never coming back and I accept that so it frees me to live a good life in recovery rather than punish myself for the past by depriving myself and my family with the new money which God will provide .i don’t need to get back to where I was – I need to live every day and be grateful for life .
2.I know the big win is never going to happen- because of the way I am . I totally understand why so many lottery winners end up destitute – as Laura describes it all to do with the chemical shifts in the brain- a normal relationship with money is no more .

I am having a “secret” trial run at a lower level- I am leaving work a few hours earlier. It is brilliant ! The evening stretches before me – there is no panic or rush – there is time for everyone to talk and be heard , to laugh and relax .

My mind is half made up but something is holding me back – it is that I am reminding myself not to be impulsive – think this through, give it time – the decision will still be there is a few weeks.

That’s it for this morning. Day 26 – not bad for someone who thought they could never stop .

[p]

Hey there

Be proud of yourself… you are doing great!!!!

P

[Monica1]

Hi idi,
How has work been this week? I do agree that you should take time to mull over your decision and then decide. When we are in early recovery I don’t think we can make big decisions because we are still a little all over the place with our emotions. I am also someone who thought they’d never stop. I still can’t wait for Gam Ban which will provide just an extra level of security. I know I won’t gamble outside as I only ever did alone st home on line. I a,so get that it will take time to develop a normal relationship with money which I did ha e ore gambling but the five year habit put an end to thst, it was like Monopoly money. Catch you later. This time we are going to crack it idi, one day at a time .

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica and p
I just wrote a post and it deleted .
Hate when that happens so write a summary .

1. I have not shared a Facebook post to win anything since I stopped gambling – I am sure the devil would send me my first win on there if he felt it would keep the addiction alive .
2. I have not given work long enough to see how it is without gambling in the picture .

It is so tempting to change everything at once .
I have so many pieces to pick up in my life .
Would I even see them if I was still gambling?

Tomorrow is day 27.

[Monica1]

Hi idi
Like you I have huge pieces to pick up. I knew my issues but now I feel them and want to do something about them. Gambling was to mask them as I had no one to talk to and I was saying to a GA friend who rang me this evening we do need other people to talk to and express how we are feeling. What an isolated world we live in, a,though to a certain extent I don’t like to get too close to people. Loss issues here I think.

[vera]

Change nothing, IDI, until you are 90 days free of gambling. That’s my tuppence worth.

[Anonymous]

Are you going to keep on with your secret trial runs, til you have decided?

I only work 8 or 9 hrs now, and I earn maybe half as much as I did a couple of years ago. My earnings maybe half but I’m at least ten times as happy. I don’t have a difficult job now, no paperwork, no lengthy de-briefs, and best of all nobody on my case all day.

That said I’m nearly 70 miles from base waiting at a 7am delivery, next ones due at 8, but I’ll be over my hours if I drove straight back so will have to stop for a 30 min break. Suppose that’s a good thing, I can take a nap. So I’ll get a bit overtime today.

I think, on reflection, you’re wise not to rush into such a big change. You’ve got to make the decision based on what’s best for you though, not your son. That may sound harsh but I think if you done it just for his sake you might end up resenting the decisio. If you do decide to go along with it could you revert back to your current position if it wasn’t working out for you?

Bet you’re wishing you’d never mentioned a frying pan in one of your posts, but the tenner one from Morrisons is well worth it.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Vera , Geordie and Johnny .
When I am in the uk I am going to go to Morrisons .
90 days seems a long time when your mind is kind of made up but I will give it a go . 6 days gone.
I have been doing my secret trial Geordie and I like it .
A colleague of mine who was ousted in a hurtful way said the biggest regret he had looking back over his career was the amount of time spent at work.
At the end of the day each of us is just a number in a system – no matter how much we love our work or how fulfilling it is .
If we drop dead today someone will be in our place tomorrow .
Once we leave we are rarely mentioned past the first week or two.
Our families remember our input forever – they look back and laugh or cry over memories .
They remember how we made them feel forever .
My world just seems clearer now .
By the way I am not stepping down because have given up .
I am stepping down because I grasping. another dream that I never dared to dream.

90 days – the problem with that is sometimes when you have reached a decision you whole body and soul has moved oN.
You are no longer able to fulfil your function in that role because your mindset is too far away from
Where it needs to be .

Change is hard – but it is also exciting .
I have options now .
Day 27- a full month tomorrow (if it was February lol).
I will not gamble today.
I know I will not gamble again soon – the mind shift has been Catastrophic – nothing is the same – my whole world has shifted and I feel a little lost in it .

[Anonymous]

Over the years on GT, I must have read several hundred of your posts whether as IDI or your previous alias’s. Sometimes I’ve been bamboozled by them, other times, if I’m honest, I’ve wondered if you’ve been being truthful.

Not just for these last 27 days, but even the week (or was it 2),before you last gambled, I can see a big change in you. You are a lot more positive in what you write, and you seem to be coming to terms with all aspects of your life, your recovery.

Changes are hard but sometimes we don’t even recognise them happening. It dosn’t matter if the time goes slowly or quickly, a day is always only 24 hours, in reality each day lasts the same amount of time.

I used to work all hours I could, even after my coma once I got back to what was my normal job where my working day usually started at 5am and never normally finished til 10pm, I would come and do this job on my days off. I was gambling on and off and to get back to earning the stupid money seemed great at the time. I was either gambling or paying debts off though. I couldn’t see past the end of my nose. A waste of time and a huge risk to my health. Remember I ended up in a coma because my heart had stopped for 44 minutes, going back to such strenuous work, looking back, was bonkers. So I agree with the bloke who told you his big regret was spending too much time at work.

However impulsive you might be at the minute, remember you always have a choice. And as eager as you may be this is the new you, the sensible you, ( that might be stretching it a bit !! Lol only kidding ),way up the pros and cons for you.

Personally I think it sounds a good move, but only you know the whole picture. It might be day 28 tomorrow, but it’s just another day.

Keep your feet on the ground.

Take care, it’s nice to see you taking the control of your life back.

[Anonymous]

No flaming nap, still got 41 miles of m25 left. Still it’s worth it just to see you in a good place. ??

[i-did-it]

Hehe- sorry to hear I have been affecting your sleep.
Your posts always lift me so much .
Thank u

[Anonymous]

The coma post part 1 is there don’t know if you’ve seen it but had to knock off for a while

[Monica1]

Thanks Geordie. I have seen it. Thanks so much for posting. As requested I respect your request and won’t comment on your thread.
Can’t wait or the next bit.

[i-did-it]

Geordie , I hold a deep mistrust of people – it’s kinda a fear of being let down or maybe put down. I am recognising this now. I am also scared of being physically hurt by people .

That woman on the f and f forum who got people to gang up on me ( played the victim when I had tried to be helpful ) had a huge impact on my ability to post honestly on here – I don’t know why – it just left me kinda paranoid .
I felt that not only would she , but also the staff who supported her – yes I am going to call it bullying – would enjoy my continued failures . I’m not sure why I felt like that but I guess when U feel bullied and u escalate it u do not expect to be then publicly attacked by the manager of the service .

I don’t know why also that your post to me helped me to put that fear behind me – now I don’t care about any of them.

There was something about your post that really helped – I think it was because U listened and u heard – u didn’t try to judge and u didn’t try to invalidate how I was feeling . Because whatever motives or opinions others wanted to attach to how I was feeling – it was still how I was feeling . I didn’t chose to feel like that no more than I chose gambling addiction.

Posting is now incredibly therapeutic for me . I do notice that when we post and say we are doing well we get far less replies than when we are miserable .
I also notice that I post an awful lot more on others’ threads than I get posts on mine . That why I am grateful to those who faithfully post to me, but I don’t keep ***** nor does it bother me .

Anyway I guess that’s why I’m more honest now – I have lost that fear or the GT staff and the f and f people . Because at the end of the day, just because they don’t have this particular addiction doesn’t mean they are any better that anyone else – or I guess any worse .

So there’s why I am more honest now – I feel more safe when I post . Somehow it feels like I have taken a huge step backwards in this post . But again it is what it is – the truth – warts and all.

Tomorrow is day 28.
Four full weeks – feels like a milestone .

[i-did-it]

Day 28- I have just had an epiphany .

I have realised why the ganging up hurt me so much- even though these people don’t know me .

If I was ganged up on because of where I came from it my skin colour I would call it racism.
If I was ganged up on because of my sexuality I would perhaps call ithomophobia,
If I was ganged up on because of my sex I would call it sexism.
If I was ganged up because of my age I would call it agism.

I think I was a victim of “forumism”.
I think I was judged because of the forum I belonged to .
I was made to feel ashamed because of the forum I belonged to.
Shame is a huge part of compulsive gambling so I guess it was easy for those so inclined to play on that .
Now that I understand what was happening, I can move on- this thread is doing me good .

I think we need to accept life isn’t fair – most of the time .
There will always be people in jobs which they are totally unsuitable for . They will do damage .
That’s just life

Week four complete today and it’s starting on a sour note – I feel bitterness.

So there Geordie – I bet you wish you hadn’t mentioned my previous posts . Lol.

[lizbeth4]

Hi i-did-it, Good on your 4 weeks gamble free. It’s a hard journey. Keep going! Your posts are helping me a lot. The judging, shaming doesn’t help us. My gambling addiction is thrown in my face constantly by a family member. I used to feel shame. Now I am bitter and done with that person. You are right, life isn’t fair most of the time. We know who we are and should be proud of ourselves for wanting to end our addiction
Until someone walks in our shoes, they know nothing of what we are going through. Keep posting!

[Anonymous]

IDI what a shite gambler you really were. You would have lost that bet.

I think you are doing the best thing for YOU by getting this out, resentments is a bad thing to carry around with you.

I replied to your post twice and then deleted it, for fear of getting banned from the site myself, but I am going to try and post it in a more “politacally correct way” here.

In a nutshell I got banned off here once, twice actually, both times I think were grossly unfair. But I’ve accepted it and left it in the past. The most recent time, was probably about six years ago when the website was orange, as opposed to purple, I didnt get banned for colourism by the way. I got banned because I posted about the closure of the ex-res group. GT had and still have a policy where if they think a post is inappropriate, they can lock it so no one can reply, or delete it and if they deem necessary ban the user. It was locked first so I posted on another thread asking why, it was Janey who banned me and in order to get un-banned I had to phone up. She said I should apologise but I wouldnt because what I had done wasn’t offensive and I wasn’t going to apologise unless I believed I’d done something wrong.

I don’t hold any resentment towards Janey or GT because rules are rules, and I suppose they’ve got to have some. That said I think it is ridiculous that they dont have any sort of appeals process for when they ban people.

I do firmly believe that the staff are here to help, but even the experts can make mistakes, it dosn’t matter what qualifications they have or how long they’ve spent studying psychology and/or addiction to become an expert. “To Err is human” Not one of us actually knows what another’s thought are. But I think at times we can all see or guess and judge what we think is going on, and every one of us has the capability to be wrong.

I do get your point, and I do understand it, and I felt a little bit like that in my recent goings on with my partner. But I think you are wrong completely and so was I, in my recent assumptions concerning F+F.

I do vaguely remember you, and Vera, making some comments a while ago in the other forum about enablement..I was quite taken aback to be honest but I didnt know the full story so said nowt. Maybe thats not the time your’e on about in any case.

I’m pleased you’re not letting it distract you from posting honestly now. But I really think you’re wrong to say that somebody would be pleased to see your continued failures, but in any event you are having continued successes now. Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you fail.

You’ve posted a lot for a while about on-line bullying, I’ve never really been on the end of it, but I suppose at times, the way I post to people I could have been accused of it. At the end of the day IDI when we are online, as much as we get to “know” each other and build up trust (or mistrust ), respect, (or dislike), We are all faceless people who are typing words into a computer very few of us actually know each other and we do paint pictures of the actual person in our own heads. Mind you, you know, I met that Vera and she hasn’t really got a halo. I don’t have a check shirt, I was surprised to learn eraser was a woman, I just presumed by reading her threads she was a man. That was the football bets…so easy to jump to conclusions.

How much sense this post is making I do not know, by the way. Sometimes it is difficult to explain what you mean.

I cant agree about the forumism though, I can see where you are coming from and that is how I felt. I’ve done well this year but when I decided to help my mate, I felt it was as if those on F+F who do know that I’m my partners CG took her side without even considering my motives and almost instantly they had me judged and boxed off as putting myself in jeopardy, and also my recovery and thinking of the consequences for anyone other than myself. The more I tried to explain myself on here in my posts about the whole thing the more I felt it was another nail in my coffin.

But and this is a big but…look>BUT. What we have to remember is that the people who post on F+F are the victims of our addiction, not theirs ours. Most have had many years of being “shat upon from a great height” and a lot of people there will quite understandably be very sceptical about anything a CG does or says. They go to F+F in desperation, the same as us coming here we try to gain an understanding and an acceptance of what it is.

The person who you originally posted to in F+F maybe didn’t welcome your original input and when you further tried to explain yourself maybe they construed that you were trying to bully them. They’ve got enough on their plate with the problems in their lives caused by “their CG” and maybe complained. I don’t know.

Anyway IDI…This is your thread, this is for you, this is where you are starting your new life and you should use it to your benefit. I think it’s quite evident you are benefiting from it now. The closer we are to our last bet the more distorted our thinking is, the mindset is completely different.

One other thing though when you mention all the “ism’s” I get sexism, I get ageism, homophobia ( I dont mean I get them like I’m a victim, I mean I get it as in I understand them).

I have never ever understood why people use the word racism, it winds me up no end. (I may have posted this on here before sorry if I have).

When people say racism they mean probably colour prejudice or bigoted hatred maybe but racism is the wrong word. Suppose I was talking to two black men, and one of them said to me “Oh go and f off you white honky” and his mate said to him, “Dont say that its racists”. They are both as guilty as each other..because the second man by saying it is racists is basically saying there is a difference in race between white and black people thus making the assumption there is a divide.Its complete bunkum we all belong to the same race, do we not? The human race. Whatever the colour, religion, nationality or any other factor in any persons make up we are all human beings we all belong to the same race.

Maybe there might be an element of truth in your feeling of forumism, but even if there is there is nothing you can do to change that. It looks like you’ve left that behind now though.

Now I bet you wish you’d never mentioned your previous posts.

PS four bloody weeks, nobody racist, sexist, homophobic or forumist can take that from you. As you so often say…..onwards and upwards.

[Anonymous]

The serenity to accept the people we can not change!

The courage to change the ONE we can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie and Lizbeth- I think we have all experienced “forumism” in one form or another and I think I have invented a new word to describe when an enabler / victim / martyr of a person with an addiction feels it’s acceptable to strike out at every person with an addiction . Sorry it’s not – I guess that’s like saying if a white person steals something on u – all white People are thieves . No the f and f are not getting off with treating people badly no matter what their experiences. We all have our own personal responsibility to treat other s with respect .
Hope this helps you Lizbeth !

I take your point Geordie about even professionals make mistakes- but when we do,we apologise and accept blame to minimise damage so no I’m not accepting that get out of jail free card on behalf of any person who is too arrogant for the post they hold .

I like being gamble free – I think for the first time in my life I am learning to tell it how it is ! I am speaking up for another downtrodden and down beaten sector of society – addicts !

Addicts stand up and love yourselves – we have let others talk down to us for far too long ! I

[Monica1]

Self reflection and finding a balanced view around complaints are part of a mature professionals toolkit. Also, examining, how did I contribute to that, what could I or others have done better. I certainly use this a lot in work, but not all function in this way. Things happen. In my last job a situation arose whereby my boss took someone’s side against me when it was obvious who had not acted well, and it wasn’t me. There was a lot of manipulation going on from very a very junior person. I knew this situation was irreparable so I did not continue the contract. A lack of support where it matters causes damage to us. I have put this down to experience and moved on. I still think about it occasionally though. The bottom line is it could have been handled better to produce a better outcome. That comes with experience and maturity. It wasn’t handled well but at the end of the day it was not my loss, but theirs. Hope u having a good day idi.

[i-did-it]

The end of day 28- starting week five tomorrow .
Feels like a kind of landmark.

I commented on a discussion on another thread about powerlessness .
I have to say I believe we are powerless over this addiction – I don’t believe we have to reach rock bottom- I believe we have to reach a place where we truly , with every fibre of our being , understand that we are compulsive when it comes to gambling and what that means .
It means we can never gamble on anything ever again for our whole lives . Someone is sure to say take one day at a time a- our whole lives is too long but in truth , once we believe we can never gamble again – one day becomes easy

If we hold even the tiniest hope that we can ever gamble normally then slips are inevitable .
If we hold even the tiniest hope that we can get that big win and walk away then slips are inevitable .
If we think that a win will solve any of our life problems – like our status in the eyes of others then slips are inevitable .

We will continue to gamble despite trying to stop many times BECAUSE we are powerless to do other wise

When we accept that we will never gamble again.

Sounds easy but it takes a phenomenal Change in our very being to really understand that – I don’t believe it’s about accepting it – I believe it’s about knowing it .

So we can praise others for the effort they put in , we can torture ourselves for the effort we didn’t but really it’s not about effort – it’s about knowing without a shadow of a doubt that we are completely powerless when it comes to walking away from any kind of gambling with anything more that a huge loss .

[p]

Its always great to catch up with you in chat.. i wish we all here would go to the chat room to talk it would be awesome wouldnt it if we could all have a cuppa and a chat together..
Thanks for the chats it helps my mornings..
Congratulations on your gamble free month.. Look at you go!!!!!!!! Just keep focused on your recovery you are doing great

P

[Monica1]

You are right, of course and thank you for the reminder. We are powerless over gambling and must accept that in order to progress to living a normal life. Plus also know it, which I do Who ever would have thought that we would end up with this problem? Not in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I agree with p, how wonderful to be able to have a cuppa and a chat together. I think you are a lovely person idi. Is t it funny how the CGs I have met, particularly the women but also the guys are all lovely people who for one reason or another just found the journey through life too challenging and difficult and had no emotional outlet to express or exchange in honesty. We have too many masks in this life and the whole of society isn’t geared to honest exchanges.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica and P for your posts.
Today I have woken with extraordinary anxiety.
I head away for the weekend and to be honest I find the whole packing, going to airport etc very stressful.
Sometimes I would rather just stay home but i have to consider others in my family .
I really want to stay in bed today .
I work with lots of people and yet feel so lonely .

I have worked my whole adult life – and I’m sorry for how this will sound to those who would love to me in my position but today I am thinking I would love to stay home a year or two.

I am tired, stressed , anxious and not altogether not very happy today. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the money I expected to have in my account when this trip was planned.

Need to change the vibe .
Thank God for my well paid job.
Thank God for my recovery
Thank God for my family

Start of week 5 today – 29 days

[Monica1]

Are you off somewhere nice?

[finding_laura]

Better late than never?

Hi IDI, sorry just posting this today! Last night got hectic and I had medical details to take care of this morning.

These bookmarks are things that I was referencing back in 2012 and probably earlier, this PC only goes back to 2012. I was surprised I had them still. Benefit of being a packrat. The info is updated and they still work.

I like how addiction is defined here (they do include gambling addiction part way down the page) : https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/

here they talk about withdrawal and symptoms that can last up to two years from when we stop gambling:
https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm It also has coping strategies!

This site talks alot about different types or groups of gamblers. I’m not saying we all fit in a box, or that a specific description fits us all, but I did get some insight about myself. https://www.azccg.org/

I also looked for something that confirms gambling addiction is like a physical addiction as that is what I understood from my gambling addictions counsellor and articles etc I’ve read. I think this one here is pretty up to date (2015) https://www.brainfacts.org/diseases-and-disorders/addiction/2015/gambling-addiction-and-the-brain

I always used to say knowledge is power. If my addiction is something I can describe and has a reality or substance to it then it is also something I can overcome using tools and methods that are available to all addicts.

I threw everything I had into it, recovery. Thank-you for reminding me. Sorry to overwhelm with links. Well done on your four weeks! Number five started ??
take care,
Laura

[p]

I am hoping once you go on your trip you will love it, sometimes the main anxiety is leading up to things and then when they happen its a different story.. thats how i sometimes find things..
I have anxiety badly and i find a build up to things the worst..
Wishing you a great time on your holiday.. i dont know if you will be on the forum at all in that time but if you are needing a chat at any time just let me know and if i see your message i will be here.. as always if there is no group on or a list of groups i just click whichever group is at the top of the list regardless of language you can type in english.. just so others know too..

P

[i-did-it]

Thank u Laura, Monica and P.
Laura I can’t wait to try those links you posted .
I am London for the weekend – and yeah now That I’m lying on my hotel bed I feel more relaxed .
Feeling really tired – think the past month has taken it out of me .
Monica your earlier post lifted me a lot .

So I am going to go read Laura ‘s links

[i-did-it]

THe weeping , bitter me of the past number of days is gone and happy me is back , although I think I could still cry easily .

I am having such a lovely time .
I did walk past a casino and the thought did enter my mind but I know I won’t go in there . It kinda doesn’t appeal to me right now .

Today is day 30.
In a month I have not gambled on anything or taken part in any free raffles anywhere .

A month in an my mind is filled with hair style , nails and clothes .
It sounds shallow but I need to get myself looking as good as I can again – for me .
I also need to visit the dentist badly as my smile is not so good after years of neglect – however I have decided it get my facial veins Lasered first !
I guess it means my mind is returning to my normal bimbo mode now – I have also decided to buy myself a nice watch and a pandora bracelet . Is this a sign I am thinking normally about money- the bracelet this month and the watch for Christmas I think – or is this a sign I am being impulsive ?

Even before I gambled I would never buy myself things like this – I would have bought myself food , alcohol and gambled but not so much nice things – not for a lot of years .

I have got inspiration for a room I never knew what to do with and am going to start as soon as I go home – my whole
House is getting a facelift and I am so sure I will do it I have invited guests for a weekend early next year – so keep asking me what I have done please ?

That’s about it – I am rambling today ..
Feeling relaxed and happy(ish)

[finding_laura]

Glad you are enjoying your weekend away! Moods swings are part of recovery I believe as our thoughts try and return to normal. Looking forward to fixing up your home for you and also so you can socialize are positive things. Sometimes we can become inpatient, wanting to have all those things and qualities we ignored while gambling. I think rewards and things to look forward to are reasonable, as long as we are also taking care of responsibilities and not just swapping one addiction for another (some people can also be or become shop aholics). It’s also important that we don’t swing too much the other way. Depriving ourselves of things and outings as punishment for what we’ve done. That can quickly lead back to gambling. It’s almost like we have to investigate our own motives.
Well done IDI, I’m so happy FOR you. And the changes we all see happening here on your thread. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Laura

[Monica1]

Hiya, has given me a few ideas. I looked up marks and spencer but all xmas jobs at minimum wage. Other jobs not interested in really. Also looked up Avon and watched some u tube videos, lost interest watching a few of those. I need to be a bit more upmarket, she says one step away from the street. Something I have been looking at over quite a long time which I could do if bankrupt is neals yard organic. So I have been looking at that. Hope your day continues to get better. Am having some side effects from the triple therapy so again spending time in my bed.

[velvet]

Hi IDI
I don’t hear anything shallow in a girl getting a new hairstyle, having her nails done and buying some clothes – it all sounds fabulous to me.
I think you will like the update on your bimbo mode – it will probably feel a lot better than it ever did before – I hope so.
I wonder if the tears are now tears of happiness
Enjoy London, it is an exciting place
Great post
Velvet

[i-did-it]

Your kind words are so encouraging .
I have had a really great day – some time spent with family and friends and some time spent on own relaxing – just the right amount of each combined with good food and a little wine .

We have been told so often there is an underlying reason why we gamble. Many say it is to escape .
I have always been a person who took life in my stride . Recently I feel anxious a lot and I think I know why.
I know why I felt anxious about the holiday .
I think I know why I Gambled to escape .

Life is different – I will never be trapped by lack of money again .
This means I cannot be impulsive .
I need to plan and make changes in a way that gives me the good life I deserve.

I love how Monica will not settle for anything less that she deserves . She motivates me to reach higher for what I deserve in my own life . We had a great chat today about managing change in out personal lives . I am going to write a plan .

Laura those links u posted are incredible – still working my way through them- hope I get an hour on my own tomorrow to read some more .

There are big changes ahead for me – but I will be ready for them- no more hiding in gambling or any other addiction . I am ready – bring it on!

[i-did-it]

To become powerful we must understand that we are powerless.
How mad is that ?
Day 31 tomorrow !

[p]

I see i missed you in chat, im still in there, im not sure what language it is but its in english if we type lol..
Congrats on your 31 days that is just wonderful to see

P

[i-did-it]

Day 31.
In the past if I ever bothered to read back over my thread ,
I usually ended up deleting it. I hated how it read. I have deleted much of the start of this thread.
Just now I read back over some of this thread and there is a post about being the fall guy when others are dishonest. It sound like I was quite annoyed at the time.

Today I have no idea what or who I was writing about !!
Which made me think how petty are the daily annoyances which we quickly get over and stop thinking about.
Why do we even let them annoy us?
The big things which really affected us we remember long after the the event.

Today I am going to work on removing the petty annoyances from my life as I recognise it is my reaction to them that makes them annoying .

[Monica1]

Hi idi,
If you look on my thread you will see that I got a huge amount out of our chat yesterday. It shifted my thinking to move towards acceptance and it made my resistance and fear about becoming bankrupt less,fearful. That is something as it has been heavily weighing me down for some time. So thank you so much for that. My gambling was definitely escape but also self destruction as I felt life was over and that it held nothing more for me. I also see that was wrong and that whilst we are alive there is always hope. My life has been tipped over literally 360 degrees but I am glad for GA and very happy to have found this forum to share our journey.

[i-did-it]

That’s so good to read Monica and I am so happy you found our chat helpful. Life is hard right now but its certainly not over – we have so much to live for and so much yet to do .

I am back from my trip and feeling content.
Life will always throw curveballs at us but they don’t have to spell disaster.
Tomorrow is day 32.
I am having fleeting thoughts about gambling.
Like it crossed my mind to gamble online tonight and it crossed my mind to do the lottery – I know I will do neither .

I have had much less fleeting thoughts about my hair – it needs a really good hairdresser to sort it out – I need a new look or maybe I need to update an old look.
Nowadays it seems to be constantly either after a bad style or being grown out with no style .
I am kinda ready to embrace getting older but only if it’s a well groomed look – I am fed up looking like a has been .
I think that was the biggest surprise for me in the GA literature .I think it’s in the just for today section we are encouraged to look our best – which kinda means I have to buy myself nice stuff and not feel guilty !
This is my kind of programme .

Well enough ramblings for one night .
Looking forward to day 32 and I’m not sure why but I can feel a tiny crack – a tiny weakness – a tiny doubt creeping in .

Nite all.

I

[i-did-it]

Day 32

Today is about housework.
Lots of it – not normal wash a few floors housework but sort out hugely neglected areas – in other words – almost every where .

I have a plan – I wrote about a few weeks ago after my disappointment in work . If I put the hard work into another area of my life which is dependent on me making decisions not others – I will prosper .
Mediocre is no longer acceptable in any part of my life and the thing I have realised is that no one can force it on me.
Up early for a non work day and feeling determined and motivated- and maybe a tad driven by bitterness !

Watch this space !

[Monica1]

Hi, when we clean out neglected areas of our home, it is very therapeutic, it is literally cleaning out our lives for the new to appear and come in. I get the doubts creeping in and also the odd thought about gambling. It is just slight resistance I think to our good coming in but it is not about the thought, but about the action. Old habits of mind spring up but that’s all they are, old habits. That which we fed grows stronger idi and we are both feeding recovery and not the other thing. Have a great day idi.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica – I like that idea of feeding good habits – and I guess starving the bad ones like gambling .
Today was meant to be about housework but got invited out for lunch and it went on a long time. So that kinda meant I forgot about housework – so it’s still waiting on me . Enjoyed a stupid movie with my son – that is the few bits we didn’t fast forward – I am so blessed to have such a good son .

Tomorrow is day 33.
I can’t say it’s getting easier but it’s so good not to be writing about feeling devastated and guilty while wishing I was dead .
This is a much better way to live although I feel very lonely – not sure why – because I don’t spend that much time alone and I kinda relish it .
I feel a sense of loss – not for gambling but for where my choices have taken me and where they have prevented me going .
As you get older , your choices become limited in just about everything from the clothes that look good on you to the jobs you are offered .
Too late for so many things .

Day 33 tomorrow – looking back on missed opportunities and forward to an ever narrowing future .
Not terribly optimistic !

[Monica1]

I get that loneliness and regret for the life we didn’t live. If I hadn’t gambled my life would be totally different now. But we must keep letting go of those thoughts. Now just to remind you.
I got my masters degree aged 55
I started making a lot of money aged 52 carrying that through to 54 when I started gambling. Not long I know but it was a lot.
I am a very late starter and living proof that it is never too late. You’re up late, same as me, woke up at midnight after falling asleep at 8.

[Monica1]

I get that loneliness and regret for the life we didn’t live. If I hadn’t gambled my life would be totally different now. But we must keep letting go of those thoughts. Now just to remind you.
I got my masters degree aged 55
I started making a lot of money aged 52 carrying that through to 54 when I started gambling. Not long I know but it was a lot.
I am a very late starter and living proof that it is never too late. You’re up late, same as me, woke up at midnight after falling asleep at 8.

[lizbeth4]

Congrats on your 32 days gambling free! I don’t think it’s too late for anything that we want. I think it is having the courage to go after it. Gambling takes many things away from us but look at recovery as a blank canvas. We can create anything we want. Life can be better!

[i-did-it]

Day33
Wow Monica that is so uplifting to read – of course there’s things I can do – I guess the big thing is to learn to accept the things I can’t and wisdom to know the difference .

Now that I am “awake” in life I can no longer hide from my losses – the strange thing after gambling is that the losses that matter are neither financial or self inflicted . Perhaps they are the very losses that lead to gambling addiction .
Pain maybe needs somewhere to hide.

So I am being kinda deep today – I can see clearly now the rain has gone – I think there is an expectation that once gambling abates in my life – I will spend my life making reparation- I feel the person I need to make reparation to most is me .

I carry a deep sadness for the what can never be.
Time can be cruel – I guess the big win would sort most things – but the big win is no more . The big win is gone forever and with it the last shreds of hope or what could have been.

I am gamble free- it is payday.
I am going to spend money on me today – not on furniture or paint but on me- on hair , on clothes , on shoes . I am going to spend money on my son – my wonderful gentle son who fills my heart with joy and who describes me as his best friend in the world- I did some things right I guess .

Life isn’t perfect – it never will be – it’s just hard to accept that allowed my “f&f” to steal the most important things in life from me and to cope I hid in the chaos of gambling addiction .

I could say that in my experience f&f are manipulative , controlling liars who will stop at nothing to keep control and get their own way . They always want to put forward the image of martyr to the world. They always want to be seen as “doing their best” which is a great way of expressing their need to control others in their life.

I read the forums and sometimes I even see their addiction used as a means to control- to decide when they can stay home, when they will have to leave , when they can see their kids , when they can’t-every sentence uttered is called manipulation or lies – the critic can rarely find any good in them and when they do the attribute this to themselves -like “we had a good chat and things have improved ” – I could substitute with “martyr ,martyr , martyr ”

I could say this as they use similar words to describe us with gambling addiction all the time – however I guess I still have my intelligence and I know that you cannot tar all people, no matter what group they belong to , with the same brush – I’m sure some people do develop gambling addiction which has nothin to do with overbearing , controlling spouses or other loved ones.

I woke early – the nightmare which has plagued me since I was too young to remember is back – the tidal wave one . I must be the only person I know who asks to change room if I get given a sea view…

Monica thank you for your post – it really helped me today – going to get out of bed and start working on that plan of mine.
I will make the most of my life and hopefully learn to accept things it is too late to change .

[Monica1]

Hi idi
Thank you for the lovely post on my thread. Your recovery is down to one thing, you, but it is wonderful to have supportive friends along the way and I am glad to have met you and everyone else who posts regularly on the forum. We have declared that we had had enough of the the misery, destruction and torture gambling brings. Now years ago I used to have a recurring dream of tidal waves. It is very common. I would see the wave coming, it was massive and I would run for higher ground but it would not often hit me. I was sometimes alone and sometimes with family but is was always somewhere coastal like Brighton and the like. Water links to the emotions and it is saying something about emotional overwhelm. I still love the sea, however, and I find when I am close to the sea, I experience great calm. I link the tide coming in and out to the rise and fall of the breath, and the inner peace that connecting to our higher power brings. I have felt that peace on occasions over the past few days. I am really pleased that you are spending your pay on you and your son. We both need to reinvent ourselves in recovery and many of the things you are feeling I have felt too on this recovery journey. The sadness and deep regret are hard to deal with, they go away to come back again. But we have to remember the powerlessness once the addiction has gotten a hold. You taught me that. I wonder how we will feel in one years time and how much life will change if we work recovery. I bet it changes a lot. One thing I do know is that neither you or I want to go through this again, I certainly don’t have it in me to go back through the same thing over and over again. The last time was the last time, and I think that is the case for you too. It is simply time to learn about who we are in this life. I have spent too long focusing on the spirit but not enough time on me and acknowledging the journeys we have been on in this life and who we are. The truth is we can be anyone or do anything we want to. Neal Donald Walsch who wrote the wonderful books, conversations with God describes our journey through life as becoming bigger and grander versions of who we really are and we can choose consciously about who we really are. There are many things I have put down and discarded in my conversation to Christianity but Neal Donald walsch is not one of them. He speaks with great wisdom I. His books. Talk later.

[Anonymous]

Hey I D I

Thanks for your posts, I havn’t been online too much as I damaged my shoulder and it was painful when typing.

Anyway you’ve posted some great things and as much as I’ve got things I’d like to say to them all, I’d be here ‘til Christmas.
I read somewhere, (might have been you), that all the theories and reasons don’t matter and it’s just important that we get through today without gambling. At the end of the day that is why we all first came here.

You are near enough 5 weeks without gambling, imagine that! You done that, only you. You might get strength from what others say but at the end of the day you have exercised your choice. You’ve made that choice every day for 33 days on the run. 40 days ago you probably would have thought it impossible, I didn’t. I know people can change. You’re right it’s about the acceptance of yes we are powerless against it, and then the realisation that, hold on I do have a choice here, I can say “No”

IDI we will never agree on all things, so what. Like manipulation for example. I fully take on board that you and Monica havn’t manipulated anybody or any situation when you were gambling, and full credit. Because the vast majority of CG’s I’ve met have been liars at the very least when gambling, when not gambling or thinking about it they were all very honest men. However most CG’s I’ve met have been in prison, rehab or GA so maybe my statistics a bit biased!

Of course it’s not right to tar everybody with the same brush. My biggest fault is that I do worry that people are going to go to the pathetic lengths I went to, believe me you don’t know the half of it. But of course not many will, I do understand that. I really don’t profess to be an expert but I can generally empathise with most situations people are in, and having experienced that situation myself know that I then progressed to even lower levels, and even worse feelings of sick to the stomach despair at what I’d done again. Again. I didn’t realise then that I had a choice.

I suppose the glaringly obvious difference is I wasn’t looking for recovery then. And the people who are posting here are looking for recovery, or help with stopping.

I am genuinely pleased to see everybody progressing through life without gambling, however different our opinions on some things might be.

I think we both agree on one thing, gambling is an unnecessary evil in our lives, we don’t need it.

I’m pleased you enjoyed your trip, was it a last minute thing? I was in Central London on Friday and Sat nights’ we could have had a coffee.

Thanks again for the nice things you said. ??

[i-did-it]

Hi Geordie ,
Thank you for your post.
Well done you on your gamble free time – it’s been quite a while .
We definitely will never all agree on everything – the theories for example help me to stay gamble free-but we both agree that a healthy bank balance gives us a sense of security in life.

I am slightly hung over – I posted last night after some wine and when I read it this morning – I loved what I had posted !
It was like I had real insight – however I deleted because I feel my posts should not be enhanced by alcohol lol.

Day 34. I read in one of Laura’s links that there are two types of gamblers – action and escape .
The stuff we read about the big shot mentality fits with the action type. I have always thought a lot of the character flaws attributed to people with gambling addiction did not really fit with me – I now realise this is because I am an escape gambler not an action one. However I have plenty of other character flaws to work on so I won’t be idle .

I mentioned in my deleted post that I think I was escaping my controlling f&f. I have often written that I believe many people who gamble compulsively are possibly try to escape a controlling or bullying f&f. Laura’s links made this clear to me . Action gamblers tend to have different motivations and I guess this is where the confusion has been for me . My view has been supported by reading many of the f and f threads but I could never get the worried parents to fit with my thoughts –

I also realise that after 34 days gamble free, and my second gamble free payday , that having my own money will provide me with a real escape not the fantasy escape that gambling offered.

Day 34- today I am trying to be patient as I plan my future – but possibly it is too late for patience – the next few days will tell.

[Monica1]

Just read this as could not access it from the link previously, came out with the text all overlapping. Most of the ladies on this site are classic escape gsmblers. I fit that profile perfectly. An accumulation of traumas and usually responsible nurturing people. Yep. I think treatment for The action type should be different to the escape type but treatment for this addiction is kind of in its infancy. It really shows me why I do not relate to most of the GA blurb and assumptions it makes about gamblers, they are referring to the action gambler.

[Monica1]

Just read this as could not access it from the link previously, came out with the text all overlapping. Most of the ladies on this site are classic escape gsmblers. I fit that profile perfectly. An accumulation of traumas and usually responsible nurturing people. Yep. I think treatment for The action type should be different to the escape type but treatment for this addiction is kind of in its infancy. It really shows me why I do not relate to most of the GA blurb and assumptions it makes about gamblers, they are referring to the action gambler.

[Monica1]

Just read this as could not access it from the link previously, came out with the text all overlapping. Most of the ladies on this site are classic escape gsmblers. I fit that profile perfectly. An accumulation of traumas and usually responsible nurturing people. Yep. I think treatment for The action type should be different to the escape type but treatment for this addiction is kind of in its infancy. It really shows me why I do not relate to most of the GA blurb and assumptions it makes about gamblers, they are referring to the action gambler.

[Anonymous]

OH IDI!!

You and your deleted posts!

I read your post just as I was going out to work last night and started a reply to it, by the time I’d finished and went to post my reply, you had edited it and added quite a bit more. So I changed my reply a bit and all night when I’ve had 5 mins here or ten minutes there I’ve added and altered it, go to post it this morning and it had gone!

Third time lucky!

You mention that there two types of gamblers, escape and action, and I don’t disagree with you. However I believe there are more types of gamblers than that, I know that the last time I was in crown court I was described as a pathological gambler. The judge was very interested in this description and researched it and I think he looked at guidance published by the world health organisation, I did see a print out of the evidence submitted and there was a list with about 7 or 8 different types of compulsive gambler. I’ve tried googling it the best I can come up with is here https://www.calpg.org/identifying-types-of-gamblers/ . This wasn’t the list the judge was shown but it just goes to show that although some people believe compulsive gamblers fall into one of two groups there are actually many more groups. Just going off the two types you mention though, escape and action, does this not point more to the reasons we are actually gambling, rather than a specific way of recovery for each?

As far as I can tell by reading peoples stories on therapy sites, we all suffer from the same thing, whether we are just escaping from life or something in particular or whether we “on one” big style because we want to give it the “big one” coz that’ll show ‘em!

We have all at some stage started gambling, and for some reason or other have found it very hard to stop. We all have ended up in dire straits because of gambling, and found all the sites like this one because we genuinely wanted help to stop, I would hazard a guess that most of us had tried loads of times to stop without help and found it too hard.

There are a lot of characteristics that all CG’s share but there are lots of traits that don’t apply to all of us, I suppose though if we answer yes to 7 of the 20 GA questions we are as thy say, a CG.

I agree it’s not nice to be tarred with the same brush so I apologise if I’ve ever offended you, because I am well aware I have used the phrase “CG’s can be the masters of manipulation” dozens of times over the years on GT. All the opinions I express in my posts are my own opinions based on my personal experiences and observations. Obviously the CG I have the most experience with, and observed the most is myself. I am forever saying it is my biggest fault fearing people will go the same way as me. But I did. And at nearly every step up the progressive CG ladder I thought “That’s it I can’t sink any lower”. I’ve heard enough people say it even on GT only to return weeks, months or years later after crossing another line.

Manipulation, deceit, and lying aren’t only traits that action gamblers possess any CG is capable of crossing these lines, even escape gamblers, expanding their own personal boundaries and doing things quite matter-of-factly, things that only days or weeks ago would be abhorrent to them. Likewise some action gamblers will have the tenacity to stop gambling before they resort to lying and stealing.

It is really good for you that you know what you were escaping from, if you’re absolutely sure about this. We all have our own F+F and some are very understanding and supportive, some are not. I am sorry that you have to deal with a F+F member, and I know it’s something you’ve posted about for a long time, so it’s obviously an ongoing situation.

I was quite shocked at the rest of what you wrote about F+F in general. As you’ve deleted you’re post I won’t make any further comment. Suffice to say when I read it I got the impression that you were tarring all F+F with the same brush, and as you’ve already expressed your frustration about when this recently happened to you I thought, “You can’t have your cake and eat it IDI”.

At the end of the day IDI you’ve gone 34 days without any sort of gambling, that’s no more than anybody else over the same period of time. You might reach 34 years one day at a time and your controlling F+F might still refuse to accept that you’ve stopped. So what. At the end of the day the most important statistic has surely got to be….another gamble free day.

If we all agreed on everything IDI, wouldn’t forums become a lot duller?

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie and Monica for your great thought provoking posts .
Geordie , I made the point that I am not tarring all f&f with the same brush in all my posts (deleted or other) – I just wanted to clarify that –
I agree with you that once we cross a certain line many of us take on the character faults of the compulsive gambler – I have lied and I guess manipulated situations to cover up my gambling – and I guess I could have went on to become a pathological gambler- this disease certainly is progressive .
I maybe sometimes don’t like to admit to myself that I am such a sinner – and yet the truth is liberating . Maybe I’m not ready to face all my faults at once – they are too numerous .
Maybe blaming f&f is another part of my journey and one which I need to travel … I don’t know .

Anyway since I started this post my mum rang .
My elderly mum like me is a compulsive gambler .
I haven’t visited for a while – I needed space to work on my own addiction .

Going home has always been a stumbling block in the past .
I cannot believe I have done this but I just said to her I have joined GA- I am gamble free- I have money in the bank and I want to get comfortable in life – please don’t ask me to go to the casino with you .
Her response shocked me . She is absolutely thrilled and filled with admiration for me – I don’t remember her ever heaping praise so lavishly on me . She is still my mum – of course she wants me to have a good life .
I asked her if she would come to a meeting with me but she made a thousand excuses – that’s ok .
I am looking forward to my trip home – my mum is the only person in my life who knows I have been attending GA- her response is so encouraging .

So I guess I am becoming more honest – I have told one person the truth ! Lol .
My f&f would not be supportive – my f&f would enjoy nothing more than to throw it back in my face – not because he is hurt from my gambling but because he can!

[Anonymous]

That’s great about your Mum IDI.

Sorry I mis-understood your post.

You are becoming more honest, telling one person the truth and then getting a surprisingly encouraging response is much better than telling anybody a lie for whatever means.

Your Mum will be made up for you I’m sure. She knows how hard it is to stop and probably thinks its impossible, you may just show her the way over time, and your sister! Wonders never cease.

I’m off to bed now. Two or possibly three nights off now, happy days.

[p]

Well done chicky

I am so proud of you IDI.. wow. Telling your mum was a huge step and has put a halt to something that was a huge trigger for you. This is your recovery, i see a big difference this time to any other times.. I think that switch flipped for you.
Its hard to explain isnt it but somehow after many times of trying and trying to stop, one time, the mind just somehow gets it or accepts it.. i see this in your posts…
Congrats IDI you deserve the gamble free life..

P

[vera]

So glad to hear you told your mam and that she “got it”, I-Did-It!
Sadly, it most likely means that she herself is a latent CG.
Asking her to go to a meeting with you is a long shot. As you well know, that needs to come from the CG her/himself. Perhaps your mam doesn’t have the necessary “desire to stop gambling”. It will certainly made your visits home less stressful. You are making marvelous progress. It’s not about the number of G free days ONLY. It’s what we do in our G free time that counts. The main thing that is evident in your recent posts is the change in mindset. That speaks volumes.
When I “came out” initially, I told several people. I realized afterwards that my indiscretion backfired. I should have zipped my mouth and only told the people who needed to know.
From experience, I can say most people don’t want to know our “issues”. In an effort to appear open and honest I repeated my “issue” ad nauseam and people actually avoided me as a consequence. This in turn sent me back to the casino to bury my embarrassment.
I will short list the people who “got it”. My brother was my main source of support. He said “If you ever need to talk , you know where I am”. One nephew said something similar…………yes, that’s about the length of my list.
My “nearest and dearest” paid all the bills, gave me money, kept his mouth shut (as far as I know)but didn’t give me any emotional support. Indeed when I self excluded from two casinos (my comfort zones) in 2008 he gave me a card containing €200!
I do understand completely what you mean about waiting to have your misdeeds “slapped up”. That has been the story of my life. Its a mixture of mistrust and disloyalty and , yes, I do agree that this will drive a person with a gambling “weakness” to a place where we “find solace”. This creates a huge void in a relationship.
My adult children paid lip service to my “recovery” but I really think, because my gambling didn’t affect them directly they didn’t want to be too involved. My youngest son used my gambling to deflect from his own issues and would throw abuse at me but only “from the mouth out”. his reaction affected me badly initially but his continued absence (his choice) has resolved things pro tem.
One of my sisters feigned sympathy but had no difficulty ridiculing me in company and when I glared at her she just passed it off as a joke. Another sister said “O dear, how dreadful for you” but despite being told I was (am) in serious debt, she still talks about her disappointment at my failure to attend her son’s wedding.
In short, you can’t win!!
To be honest I-Did -It, my attitude now is I really don’t give a cock’s tonsils who knows what. I have never met a 100% squeaky clean person in my life . Ever.
The only people who really “get it”are other CGs. I was astounded when I first attended GA at how open these men were /are at discussing even emotional issues. Some members I have grown to trust and some I won’t ever trust, so when I attend GA, I play my cards close to my chest , as I do here on GT.
Openness and honesty are the key but in my book prudence supersedes both!

[i-did-it]

Thank you Vera, Geordie and P.
Of course my mum gets it – I have never heard her so pleased with me – I said I am going to shock you but I have been attending GA. She wa so happy – maybe she worried and maybe she knew .

P, yes something is different now – I will never be able to claim powerlessness again – because I know the consequences and I know that I can’t stop. Knowledge is power and I have knowledge .

Geordie , thank u for your continued support .

Vera that’s was a great reply – u get me !
U get what it’s like to constantly feel like the least valued person in your hosuehold by the person who should value you most!

So we need to value ourselves enough .

We raised our kids to the best of our ability –
If as adults that wasn’t good enough – tough !
Let them find someone who loves them more out In that hard world .
I see kids who are abandoned who idolise their parents !
We did our best – and no one anywhere had ever done more than that .

They say you must be selfish about your recovery – I am going to take it a step further and be selfish in my recovery .
I am going to seek happiness for me .
I am no longer content to be held back by my f&f- with their manilulation, long suffering Vicitm and poor me games .

Wish I had made these decisions earlier – but I guess like a lot of escape gamblers I put everyone else first until I could do it no longer – and then gambling gave me a bit of space .

I guess it’s the old cliche – give a dog a bad name …
Somehow I fell into the role where my f&f had reason to justify their martyrdom .
No more !
Day 35 tomorrow – five weeks .
Treated my mates to a gorgeous meal tonight – sat there and had such fun in my new clothes – life is good !

[i-did-it]

Vera ,

I have been thinking about your post and one of the things that kept me from GA for so long was that I worried about other gamblers there who might wear their sobriety like a badge of honour and tell the world about their success.
I was kinda amazed to see that this fits the profile of the action gambler- ( according to the information on Laura’s links)- it is another way of playing the big shot .

Despite keeping my “habit” absolutely secret for years I felt on more than one occasion last night that I could confide in my friends . The good wine may have given me a warmer and fuzzier feeling towards them. It would have given me my five minutes of “focus on me only time”, but today in the cold light of day I’m so glad I kept my mouth shut .

Some people may call it putting up a barrier but in life there are very few we can trust with our innermost thoughts – I told my mum out of necessity – I needed her to know so that I could continue unimpeded with my recovery .
Already I am wondering which of my siblings has she told “between just the two of us and it’s to go no further “.

I’m not sure if this is typical of someone with a gambling compulsion but my mum loves to deflect by talking about others who are “terrible gamblers “.

There are very few people in life I trust – I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve although it might seem like that to others .

I went out last night and my selfish f&f looked after himself like always – he went to bed and so long as his need for sleep as met he didn’t care if our son stayed up all night – (there are reasons this is important right now which I don’t want to write about here).
If I say anything my night out will be slapped back at me – because I am meant to be home carrying the load while he continues with his life that has changed little through marriage or fatherhood .

I am full of anxiety today as the advice regarding my son has been ignored . If I mention it I will just get verbal abuse . I think in truth living with someone like this requires some kind of medication – and if it’s not going to be self medication from gambling maybe I need to speak to my doctor about drugs .

I’m not sure writing about this is doing me any good – one of the best things about my marriage is my short memory for his “faults”- which is the exact opposite of my “score-keeping ” f&f.

Writing is certainly bringing bitterness to the surface – maybe it’s been there all the time – hatred?? I didn’t think I had the ability to hate but I sure am feeling some strong emotions right now .
I want to escape today and bring my son to a place of peace – a home where we can have a relaxed and happy life .
Do I even remember what relaxed and happy feels like ?

[i-did-it]

I maybe shouldn’t write so early in the morning – it might not be my best time . I feel really negative today .
I am on holiday from work .
Strangely these non working days are my most empty days.
Most people relish a day off and I do too but I always feel so empty on these days . It’s not an emptiness that doing stuff can fill .
I lack a feeling of contentment – I feel unimportant .
I feel anxious and stressed .
I know if I could overcome my laziness it would help – I am so unmotivated . I am a little overwhelmed by the many things I need to do – and yet I do nothing …except eat !

And of course listen to my f&f criticise .

[finding_laura]

Hey IDI,

Sometimes when we stop gambling it’s like a stopper has been taken out of our bottle of emotions. For me it happened later in my recovery, i think it can be different for all of us.

I have just read back over your past three or four days of posts ( have a hard time keeping up with everyone!) and I would love to answer them one at a time so I will try and go back and post a few replies .

Let me say you just crack me up with laughter and admiration ! Would love to be having a coffee or a wine.

Your posts are honest and emotional. And we need to get those feelings out. I was able to get into free counselling within two weeks of stopping. She was specialized in addictions treatment but we spent as much time talking about my disfunctional relationship! Sometimes once things are viewed in the light of day and discussed there is a release. An acknowledgement of some things that maybe we are over emphasizing, and other times where we realize what we have been too tired or exhausted to face things that are terrible or hurtful or dissapointing. Big things!

In my relationship I am the score keeper and my husband can forget things quickly. Long sordid painful story which I will not air here!

Some women make a big decision about their relationship once they begin analyzing everything that made gambling the escape it was. Some stay, some go. No one but you knows the answer to that. I would suggest some quality counselling if you can find. They have the expertise and the confidentiality to help you explore your thoughts. Our emotions can really be all over the map!

I hope you have a relaxing evening with your son.

Take care,
Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank u Laura .
I would love if we met for coffee .
So many good people on here – I wonder would we all get on in real life ?

Tomorrow I start week 6- day 36.
The. Weeks are building up and I am feeling more confident about recovery .
Today I did get motivated and did a big clear out of a bedroom.
I dumped washed out duvet sets and clothes .. why ? Because I know I will always have money for new ones.
The days of famine are over and the days of plenty have arrived .
The days of indecision are behind me because even if I buy something’ which I end up not liking – there will be money to replace it.
Anyone who says money is not important has never had to worry about money .
Life is looking good !
Day 36 tomorrow –
Feeling in charge of my life and able to make good decisions .

[i-did-it]

Day 36 today – apparently this means I haven’t clocked up enough days to help others – I think anyone who makes a statement like this , knowing my journey , doesn’t really understand recovery but is stuck in abstinence . I would take a month of recovery over all those months of abstinence I managed in the past , every time .

I have often heard when you meet” the one” you will just know. I think when you are in recovery you just know too.
It’s not about days accumulated – it’s about changes deep within your thinking – it’s about acceptance that the past is gone and cannot be changed – it’s about expecting a good future because at last you realise you are worthy of it. It’s about living in today and being better today – being self aware and recognising those character faults and working on them.

Recovery is hard – because emotions surface which we can no longer hide beneath our gambling, our arrogance , our impulsiveness , our need to be right . We can no longer hide and we have to meet these feelings head on and deal with them.
Recovery is also incredibly rewarding because we become better versions of ourselves as the many “skins ” we have hidden beneath are cast away – sometimes revealing bitterness and disappointment and many other negative things we were unaware of . Sometimes it is a surprise that things which were so important to us – we can easily let go now.
We are works in progress and I guess we will be until the day we die .

Sure at 36 days my recovery is in its infancy – but the biggest difference I find this time is its no longer about abstaining from gambling – that has been incredibly easy to do – its about not hiding from life but meeting it head on .

[Monica1]

Loved reading your post. Laura’s advice is very good re counselling. Hope u can get further than I did with the six months wait. As I have said before, I knew all my issues mentally even when gambling but now I know them, emotionally. They are there right in front of me. And I agree with you being in recovery, you just know and you simply cannot go back to the way things were. you re doing good idi but the emotional ups and downs,I really recognise as I,am still there. Speak soon.

[i-did-it]

Thank u to those who have posted me . Been travelling for hours due to diversions – road traffic accidents – just grateful it’s not me .
Can’t really read posts as keep losing connection.
Getting very sleepy ( why does travel
Do that ) but will prob be in group later if anyone about

[i-did-it]

Thank u Monica – yeah we are here all right – because when the pain comes , and it does , we face it instead of escaping it – You earlier mentioned about ageing – facing truth and Pain has added more wrinkles than gambling ever did but the relief of not gambling is so worth it … and soon we will be able to afford Botox lol!

Tomorrow is day 37 –
I am so tired tonight – I didn’t want to post
.but I did … and this is silly – I did because Geordie will tell me off for going back on what I committed myself to which is to post every morning and night .

The thing is it’s working for me – everyone else might be fed up of always seeing my name at the top of the list , but it’s working for me !

Tonight when I think tomorrow is day 37 I remember that 36 days ago I was gambling at this time , and did until almost 5 am in the morning – I got up at seven and got breakfast sorted and went to work . After work I came home and slept – when it should have been family time .
The exhaustion was worse than in the past because of course my body is now eight years older than when I started.
I felt sick all day- sick with lack of sleep and sick with guilt and regret . I also had been misled by the casino and I was annoyed and I felt cheated – I think the penny dropped that every penny i had fed to casinos was money I had been cheated out of by addiction.

When I think tomorrow is day 37 I also remember that I have money in the bank, new bedclothes to buy (cos I dumped the tatty ones ). The dream of the business is becoming more real .
My family talk about it and we have given it a “pet-name ” even though it is just a concept right now.

I am simplifying my life because it’s been complicated for too long . That might mean letting go of some things which somehow no longer seem so important .

Oh the tiredness after travelling is tremendous – need sleep – nite

[Anonymous]

It’s a great testament to yourself, to see your posts so often.

Yesterday I washed my mouse in with my bedding, so haven’t posted as much because it’s too fiddly on my phone at min.

Got a new mouse though, but called into work at midnight, got 6 nights on though so will only be sporodic posts.

But yes you’re right, I probably would have said!! Lol ??

[i-did-it]

Thanks Geordie,
Ever think of running your own recovery centre?
You would be so good – maybe because you know every trick in the book- just like I often think naughty pupils make the best , kindest teachers – cos they get it.

Day 37- I cannot understand why this is so easy now- no urges, no fighting them ,no head about to explode with pressure building up – it’s just simply a choice I have made- I wonder could I apply the same techniques to controlling my over eating (and my weight)?

Looking forward to a day out with my mum-and hopefully a spot of shopping. We will get a really nice lunch- so much for watching my weight.
Day 37 – feeling relaxed and able to face the world with confidence.

[finding_laura]

Omg IDI, Geordie, Monica, Vera, et al,

you are trying to make my lazy mental muscles get to work on a post worthy of this discussion! So here goes!

This State gambling help organization provides a breakdown of the people they’ve helped by escape vs action gamblers as well as by a whole host of different factors. Probably one of the pages you came across IDI.

https://www.azccg.org/Differences.html

Very interesting and in the end describes a broad group of people with all sorts of room for overlapping behaviours and reasons for gambling. And for all the differences, there are a lot of similarities especially in the end phase of gambling addiction.

And this is where I will make my comment re the f&f’s. I have often found that I identify as much with the f&f’s that are on the forum getting support as I do a fellow CG. Quite often they are a co dependant caretaker or at least a caretaker who isn’t having their needs met! Just wondering whether they should stay or go, much like most of the ladies that I know here who are in relationships. It’s rare that I’ve heard anyone say their partner is wonderful and gambling is having no affect on the relationship, no matter which side of the coin you are on. And the parents, well like most parents, I think they are just worried about their child’s future and trying to understand this baffling condition that has gotten a hold of them. Do they need tough love, do they need more love. Children can be a worry no matter the age.

Being a CG doesn’t make you evil and being an F&F doesn’t mean you will be a saint ? either. Ha or a Martyr for that matter. lol Takes all kinds to make this big old world go round and as you said, we can’t paint everyone with the same brush. In most cases the F&F’s on the forum are sincere about understanding the addiction and getting support for themselves, but also for their partners. Now as far as our own personal F&F’s are concerned, well, mine wouldn’t be concerned enough about supporting me to be here. And as far as support for him, what would he need support for he would say, he’s not the one with the gambling problem! He’s very assured of himself in his comfort zone any way.

My GA group was made up with several escape male gamblers. There were also several male action gamblers (according to these definitions). And there were those which I honestly could not tell if they weren’t perhaps both at the same time. But every last one of them could say the smartest, most intelligent, kindest things. And I got something from every last one of them.

I too found sometimes the literature at GA to be contrary to me. A reading about how a CG used to be too big for their britches and big feeling about themselves when in action and learning to be more modest and in touch is perhaps not the best reading say for the a female CG married to the alcoholic bully who has trampled her self esteem. But I just look for any nugget in the reading, or if I express this feeling sometimes someone else has a different take.

After saying all of this I’m not sure if I’ve completely gotten off topic, but I definitely found the information about why I may be gambling, in black and white helped validate my feelings. And they are my feelings. Just as you and everyone here is allowed to have their feelings. Does this mean I cast type everyone or pigeon hole everyone? No. Because after all of I have written I haven’t even mentioned what a difference in personalities, or life circumstances, health conditions, past traumas or 100’s or maybe 1000’s of other things that make us all up differently. But so many of the tools that help a compulsive gambler helps all compulsive gamblers. To me that is the benefit of things like GA and GT. They provide an opportunity and a place to share the things that work! A software blocker can help all CG’s.

I’m glad that you and others have found the information that I posted in the links useful. I know I did. I also love the conversations and discussions that have somehow been created from your absolute right to digest it and post about it and discuss.

I am sure I have missed so many points but I need to now catch up again I think lol.

It was good to see you in Chat. Have a great weekend!
Laura

[finding_laura]

loving your posts, but I’m going to have to go back to quick short burts lol. It takes me forever to write a long “thoughtful” post! oy my aching back lol

I wouldn’t buy myself new things for the house very often as I kept waiting for it to have some sort of priority with hubby. But it didn’t happen. During my recovery I began to sort out, clean out, freshen and update. In the beginning it was slow, because i didn’t have expendable money. Cheap clean blinds. A fresh coat of paint. Baby steps. But i learned that it was ok to make me and the things important to me a priority. I learned that if I wasn’t going to take care of me, no one else was.

Recovery is different than abstinence, there is no doubt! We were told the same things a hundred times. Was it how often it was said, was it how it was said, was it that reception for the message was open, were we just ready to hear it? I couldn’t tell someone how to make it finally click. But when it does it is life changing!

I did manage to go back and post a rather large post to the conversation re types of gamblers etc. My two cents worth.

Part of my past job was research. My poor home computer is filled with thousands of different bookmarks because i have to research everything personally as well. Just my nature!

Enjoy your lovely weekend

[i-did-it]

LAura .
Thank you for your posts – both of themselves.
I hope you don’t mind but I have copied and pasted the one you wrote further up my thread here as I felt it was to valuable to lose further up the thread .
By Laura –

Omg IDI, Geordie, Monica, Vera, et al,

you are trying to make my lazy mental muscles get to work on a post worthy of this discussion! So here goes!

This State gambling help organization provides a breakdown of the people they’ve helped by escape vs action gamblers as well as by a whole host of different factors. Probably one of the pages you came across IDI.

https://www.azccg.org/Differences.html

Very interesting and in the end describes a broad group of people with all sorts of room for overlapping behaviours and reasons for gambling. And for all the differences, there are a lot of similarities especially in the end phase of gambling addiction.

And this is where I will make my comment re the f&f’s. I have often found that I identify as much with the f&f’s that are on the forum getting support as I do a fellow CG. Quite often they are a co dependant caretaker or at least a caretaker who isn’t having their needs met! Just wondering whether they should stay or go, much like most of the ladies that I know here who are in relationships. It’s rare that I’ve heard anyone say their partner is wonderful and gambling is having no affect on the relationship, no matter which side of the coin you are on. And the parents, well like most parents, I think they are just worried about their child’s future and trying to understand this baffling condition that has gotten a hold of them. Do they need tough love, do they need more love. Children can be a worry no matter the age.

Being a CG doesn’t make you evil and being an F&F doesn’t mean you will be a saint ? either. Ha or a Martyr for that matter. lol Takes all kinds to make this big old world go round and as you said, we can’t paint everyone with the same brush. In most cases the F&F’s on the forum are sincere about understanding the addiction and getting support for themselves, but also for their partners. Now as far as our own personal F&F’s are concerned, well, mine wouldn’t be concerned enough about supporting me to be here. And as far as support for him, what would he need support for he would say, he’s not the one with the gambling problem! He’s very assured of himself in his comfort zone any way.

My GA group was made up with several escape male gamblers. There were also several male action gamblers (according to these definitions). And there were those which I honestly could not tell if they weren’t perhaps both at the same time. But every last one of them could say the smartest, most intelligent, kindest things. And I got something from every last one of them.

I too found sometimes the literature at GA to be contrary to me. A reading about how a CG used to be too big for their britches and big feeling about themselves when in action and learning to be more modest and in touch is perhaps not the best reading say for the a female CG married to the alcoholic bully who has trampled her self esteem. But I just look for any nugget in the reading, or if I express this feeling sometimes someone else has a different take.

After saying all of this I’m not sure if I’ve completely gotten off topic, but I definitely found the information about why I may be gambling, in black and white helped validate my feelings. And they are my feelings. Just as you and everyone here is allowed to have their feelings. Does this mean I cast type everyone or pigeon hole everyone? No. Because after all of I have written I haven’t even mentioned what a difference in personalities, or life circumstances, health conditions, past traumas or 100’s or maybe 1000’s of other things that make us all up differently. But so many of the tools that help a compulsive gambler helps all compulsive gamblers. To me that is the benefit of things like GA and GT. They provide an opportunity and a place to share the things that work! A software blocker can help all CG’s.

I’m glad that you and others have found the information that I posted in the links useful. I know I did. I also love the conversations and discussions that have somehow been created from your absolute right to digest it and post about it and discuss.

I am sure I have missed so many points but I need to now catch up again I think lol.

It was good to see you in Chat. Have a great weekend!

Laura

[Monica1]

Just caught up on your posts idi. I know what you mean about the forum being a real help. When we have very little in our lives in the way of emotional feedback for us and support, the friends on this forum provide a huge help to our one day at a time. Missed you just in the midnight group last night. I personally always read your posts and think it is great that you post as often as you like. It works for me.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura and Monica .
Laura the line I take tonight from your post has nothing at all to do with gambling … simply that children can be a worry.
I think maybe I was never cut out for this worry … kids bring so much happiness – but we pay dearly for it at times .
Nothing in life is ever free I guess .

I feel so useless sometimes – and it is then that I just want a big win. Money gives us such choices . I have thrown away my ability to choose. Money would be a very nice cushion right now .

Tonight I won’t sleep much – i am trying to feel the pain and live through it but the pain just turns to anxiety and the anxiety increases my pain .

Day 38 tomorrow – I feel like a failure, I feel impatient, I feel regret , i feel fear .

[i-did-it]

Day 38
Feeling a little better.
Anxiety still here .
I feel like i want to run away from my worries .
I feel like I’m to blame for everything that goes wrong .
I want to go back and live my life again.
I want to make different choices .
I feel trapped.

On the positive side I made it through my trip with no urges – a few fleeting thoughts perhaps .

This is the first time I have diligently counted the days (I always felt it wasn’t helpful for me ) and I can’t believe how motivating it is .

However in truth the urges to gamble are simply not there right now . I seem very motivated by making money though.
Not to replace what is lost but so I can let go of of some the responsibilities I have and not worry about the future .

I read about people who take on voluntary work and give something back during recovery.
I don’t feel like that at all. I want to stop doing the voluntary work which I did (and have stopped most of it ).
I want to let go of any responsibility outside my home which I can.
I want to close my front door and make it all about my little family .
In truth I want to build a safe cocoon- I want to build a world where stress is reduced .

I think maybe my coping skills are completely diminished.
I think I need to live a simpler life.

[finding_laura]

I think I’ve read that raising our children is the most important job in the world. I agree. Mine our grown and i know that my gambling had an impact on them. Thankfully most things didn’t have too long of a lasting impact. But others, well they went into making them. Children deserve our presence and awareness. Gambling makes us self involved, wrapped up in our own little world of hell eventually, and we are truly not paying full attention or awareness to everyday life not just our children! A lot of gambling moms that have managed to keep food on the table, roof over head etc feel perhaps the damage has been minimal so not such a big deal for their children. But I still remember moments of neglect (example: needing a hair cut longer that should) or distraction ( too worried about getting out to gamble than going to the park). Maybe not all the time but these things do have an affect, no matter how hard we try to shield them from our gambling.

We are human. We can’t change the past but we can change the present. Today.

And there are only so many hours in today! So try and be present in the day but not expect to “build rome in a day”

Well done on keeping your posting commitment! Not just one line I’m here to post either. Thought provoking, growing, learning posts!

Amazing IDI enjoy the day!

Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura .
I am becoming more and more painfully aware of the damage i have done- then to give me perspective – I know people who sent their children to boarding school at 8 years of age – and they don’t do this guilt over their absence in their children’s lives.
At the end of the day I might have missed time with my child through addiction but it wasn’t something I purposely imposed on my child .
Maybe we are too hard in ourselves – maybe we believe what the f&f s say a little too much.

In my family my cg mum may have had her difficulties but my f&f dad was never there – AlwAys something more important to attend to! We wanted for nothing except maybe a relationship with him! My mum did her best – we were well fed and cared for .

End of day 38. Feel like I can’t cope with the simplest things in life . I need to keep paring back my responsibilities –
When gambling I could juggle a hundred things – now it seems I can’t reach on the simplest of things .

But I’m here and I’m present –
That has to ***** for something.

Day 39 tomorrow .
Not much to look forward to .

Life seems to be getting harder

[i-did-it]

Day 39 –
Today I feel strong and in control and able to cope !
Somebody stood up to my f&f ! My f&f was called out on selfishness and I want to applaud !
Can’t say too much here – it was like I had written the script – but it was delivered by a person who was rather rude and forceful but who I’m sure God sent our way . I am blissfully happy that my selfish f&f can no longer throw blame at me .
He has been called out on it . He can no longer opt out of his responsibilities. He can no longer play the “poor me ” or his personal favourite – the blame game .

If this had happened years ago I might have never needed to escape . If I had had an equal responsible partner in life who knows where I would be right now . Some things I cannot change but if I can makes the things I still have better – I will be satisfied .
The Lord works in mysterious ways .
Today I am kinda liking how He works .

I am feeling hopeful for the future .

[finding_laura]

Love it! Have to run but will be back to post later! Have a great day ??

[vera]

It’s good to become aware of the damage we did through gambling, I-Did-It, but don’t be too quick to pick up the tab for everyone and everything.
I allowed others to lay the blame on me for things that had nothing to do with my gambling. They weren’t even laying blame. More likely I was inviting blame and criticism to punish myself, unconsciously . I refrain from that now but I do have setbacks.
I was a convenient scapegoat for many who refused to take personal responsibility for years.
On an emotional level I carried all the “baggage”. I can’t say I pulled my weight on a practical level but I have learned that carrying the emotional responsibility takes a far greater toll than keeping the lawn cut and the fires lit. I never undermine the hard work my husband does and did all my life but I do know that when the two are not on the same page at every level, one will “go under” from the strain.
Maybe that IS the root cause of why people gamble.
Perhaps we became overwhelmed and had our “meltdown” in what seemed to be a safe way.
Today, I’m having a total “opt out day”.
Ever have one of them?
If I stay out of sight, nobody can argue with me or “bounce” off me or blame or criticize me and the guys who normally opt out can pick up the flack for a change!!!
HA HA!

[finding_laura]

It’s great when the universe seems to cooperate lol. Change leads to change leads to change.

Sometimes we don’t make boundaries in the life we are living now. Small boundary changes can cause ripple effects. Standing up for ones self builds esteem. I can’t remember what we were discussing today but I found myself having to forcefully set a boundary with hubby. Take it or leave it. Sometimes I go back to what i would call my care taking and submissive ways but it doesn’t take much and I reinforce my boundaries.

I will find joy in my life. Cooperation and compromise shouldn’t always be on my part. We can be different and still support each other.

I think we have made progress most days! Now if I could get a little bit of Florence Nightingale that would help with disability bit.

Keep on going IDI, Day 39 is awesome!

Laura

[finding_laura]

Still want to chat?

meet me at https://www.sfcghub.com/

in the compulsive gamblers chat room

[i-did-it]

Aw Laura – just saw this. Tried anyway but my browser would not support chat there .
Day 40 tomorrow .
Just had my first real urge
Everyones asleep and I was trying to get some work done for my son. After my son said goodnight I realised his computer could easily be unblocked- I thought will I ? It’s only a few quid and then what stopped me I think was the time I had built up
On the journey I have travelled with others , the comraderie – I don’t know – it just felt like i would be letting everyone down – and then the urge went away and never returned.
Yeah I have changed – I am changing – but the addiction is still there somewhere hidden for now – but waiting to be activated!
Not tonight- day 40 tomorrow – feels good!

[Anonymous]

Top marks for not doing it IDI. I wouldn’t worry about letting anybody down other than yourself.

Just goes to show though, just how easy it is for any of us.

“It’s” inside of us all, I think so anyway, I think it always will be too. No one is infallible to addiction, but no one needs to be a slave to it either.

40 days, one after the other. Dosn’t seem like 5 minutes. Day 40 sounds a lot better than day 1.

Nearly six weeks IDI. Well done. ??

[vera]

Life begins at 40, I-Did-It!

ps. if you gambled on your son’s computer would it show? I’m not a ” techi”. Surely your bank statement would reflect the withdrawals/ lodgements.
Not worth all the misery, is it?

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie , thank you Vera .

I can delete history on the computer and I can hide bank statements – I have always refused to change to online.

Things “showing ” never stopped me in the past – no reason they should now lol. Anyway it’s my money I earned so not a lot anyone can say !
That’s what I mean about me – there isn’t a barrier high enough to stop me – having said that I have barriers which give me the time to think- even that computer – it is quite complicated to get around the blockers – so my reaction wasn’t instant – that half minute of thinking time makes a huge difference .

The change isn’t anything to do with barriers – it’s a change within me – I want recovery and I need it .

I’m not doing this for others – but I want to stay on my journey with the people who are supporting me – like Geordie says – I don’t want to write day 1- I don’t have another day 1 left inside me .
It’s now or never !

[vera]

Putting time between the thought and the action helps.
It does mean a change in mindset.
Of course it’s your money, I did It
but
only until the fatcats get their greedy paws on it
I wouldn’t please them to give them another shilling.
I love it that they are “starving”!!!!

[i-did-it]

No fat cat it getting my money ever again so there is no “until”.
Well maybe the fat cats who own the nice department stores in town…

[p]

Im in chat now i did it

P

[i-did-it]

Sorry P – just saw this .

Day 40 complete –
Tired , worn and old !

[i-did-it]

Day 41.

Today I could not think of anything to write about .
I am feeling anxious and empty .
Then I thought about how I often used to write about the things in my life I am grateful for .
It’s easy to write about these things when life is rosy- when life throws you curve balls this gets more difficult , and yet these are the very times we need to remember .
So for today I am grateful:
For my home
For my work which is a good source of income
For my child
For my extended family
For the opportunities life has given me
For my ability to let things go
For my dog – a blessing
For today – I can breathe and be

[Anonymous]

I’m happy to see you post a bit more. It is easier to write when all things are going well, so top marks to you.

Whatever life is throwing at you IDI, just take a minute and reflect how hard you’ve faught to get into recovery. I hope you can and it fills you with pride.

Think of the serenity prayer, for years just words to me, now my lifetime mantra. Also The Lords Prayer. We used to just make our own words up to that in school assembly we knew it off by heart but the words held little substance to me until the last few months. Don’t let yourself be lead in to temptation.

However strong we think we are, however much we think we’ve finally “got it” it is always going to be there ready to tempt us should we turn off from our recoveries. You do hear of people slipping back into full blown addiction after ten years or even longer, dont live in fear of it though. You are proving day after day, week after week that you are stronger than this addiction.

I understand the “moment” you had the other night with your sons computer I really do. As much as I boast quite a lot about not getting urges these days, I know that I had many many similar “moments” to what you had the other night, when I was on a strange high street with a bookies on every corner.

Just one momentary lapse of reason could see any of us on the bottom again very quickly.

You’re doing well IDI, and one line posts just dont suit you.

Day 41, it has flown by. Six weeks tomorrow, excellent.

[vera]

Any idea why you feel anxious and empty, I did it?
I know that feeling too.
Gambling used to cause it for me.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie and Vera .
Geordie I seem to be having a lot of moments right now .
Vera I think gambling might give me relief from this feeling for a while .
Just too much stuff all at once – you know the way life hits us sometimes.
Day 42 tomorrow –

[vera]

Yes it will give you relief alright
But for how long?
And what else will it give you?
Guilt?
Grief?
Regret?
Remorse?
More debt?
Panic?
Pain?
Fear?
Hangover…?
Shall I continue???
No “relief” is worth all the dire consequences.
You wont have urges if you can’t access a gambling site
You will not think of gambling unless you have access to funds
You also need time and a hide out
IF you have any of these my advice would be to get rid of them NOW
or
you might be writing
“DAY 1…Again”
“The root of all sorrow is desire;the uprooting of sorrow, is desireless-ness”!

[Monica1]

What a great quote Vera. So true. And idi, you know what the right thing is to do. How awful to have to say Day 1 again. I don’t have another day 1 in me. Do you honestly? Why do you want to blow all your hard work? And for what? You quit for you. It is your gift to you. If the marriage iSin trouble or over then you will need to reflect on that, and what you do about it. Can it be Retrieved? No woman should live with a bully yet many of us have accepted that as our lot in our lives. I no longer do and have not for a long time now. If we put up with it, it continues. If we set clear boundaries, it does not, or if it does, then we need to consider our next steps. The serenity prayer springs to mind.

[vera]

….but I knew I’m wasting my time and tired brain and fingertips tapping here if I’m talking to a CG who wants to gamble.
—————————————————————-
(Yes, Monica I spend hours dwelling on that wise quote
“Desire”, meaning “inordinate attachment” , of course!

[i-did-it]

Geordie ,
I think I need one of your motivating posts

Today I have reached my first ever six weeks completely gamble free . Day 42 –

It should be a great day but I have such anxiety over things that I have had another night with hardly any sleep. However , because I am not gambling I am clear headed enough to take the actions I need to work in the issues which are causing the anxiety.
Like many others on here – I finally am getting the serenity prayer – ” change the things I can ” – change does not come without effort – it is a process – and I am putting in the effort and I can see small but encouraging changes .

Sometimes I read posts and it sounds like there is an expectation that I will gamble – I will not . I think we have to be so careful to use language which is motivating. However I guess I have overcome that dependency where I felt frustrated and listened to the message that I couldn’t do it .
I have a few good snippets which I refer to when I feel discouraged – one is Geordie’s assertion that slips are not inevitable – they are a choice . I am choosing not to relapse
-Not because of barriers (but yes the barriers I have in place are really helpful in giving me thinking time ), not because my money is tied up somewhere ( although a lot of it is ) , not because every second of my day is planned and filled .

I will not gamble because
1. I absolutely know I will lose a lot of money – my addiction prevents me from ever winning at gambling.
2. I am not chasing lost money because I have accepted it is gone
3. I am using support which works for me .
4. I have barriers set at a level that work for me – this does not mean I have urges ever – although they have been very scarce the important thing is that I don’t act on them. I would describe my current urges are fleeting thoughts although I am aware that my body is in many ways missing its fix .
5. I absolutely know that once I start to gamble I am powerless – my body goes into a trance like state and I am powerless to stop – I have to make sure I don’t give away my power – which I hold onto every time I say no to gambling.

I don’t think any person with gambling addiction WANTS to gamble Vera – especially not those seeking help – I think the addiction gives them intense urges – sometimes these can be so intense that no barrier will stand between them and a gamble – money can be stolen , a new venue can be found and time is the easiest barrier of all- we can just disappear .

I think where I went wrong in the past – I focused on the negative consequences of gambling . I just wanted relief from the pain of the aftermath .
Now I focus on the positive consequences of not gambling – I am finding things which were completely out of reach are becoming a reality . I feel hope for the future .
I have always been a “glass half full ” person so I am using that knowledge to keep myself motivated . I have read several times that most people with gambling compulsion are eternal optimists-we always think the big win will come – maybe that’s why the positive aspects of not gambling are more motivating.

Monica , you are so right – things have changed for me -and I guess not being distracted means I can see things clearly .
I have to take responsibility too for how far I have let things go while I hid in my own little world of addiction .
If I am working on me – it occurs to me that I also need to work on my relationship . Before gambling I found many other escapes – marriage is hard – we have gotten into unhealthy patterns .

It may sound silly to others on here – but because of my upbringing and I guess my own faith , I would find it very difficult To walk away from my marriage – it does need work , but I have not put that work in. In every other area of my life I am constantly working at improvement – even if it’s just reading about it – yet with my marriage – I have just decided to ignore things. Having said that I am no longer happy to be a doormat for anyone – and I am making choices which will give me the happiest future I can have .

Six weeks – I wonder when I read back on this post in six months time what will I think .?

[Monica1]

I like your reasons for not gambling, They are really solid. Part of faith is not quitting from a marriage when things are difficult so I can respect that too. But you can’t exactly do nothing either. I would look at the aspects and chronic patterns that you feel are damaging and raise them for discussion. Can you get some counselling in your time out? It is difficult to get perspective sometimes on these things without professional support like Relate or just normal counselling?

[i-did-it]

Monica is you had asked me that six weeks ago I would have said no way – now it seems like the most sensible suggestion anyone has ever made to me –
That’s been the most eye opening thing about quitting gambling . I thought I would realise all my faults and the world would become a better place . Instead I am looking back and seeing that a pattern of criticism and put downs has led me to place where I get absolutely nothing from my marriage – i am not afraid to stand up for myself but I guess I tired to protect my child from rows and the resulting anxiety.

I like to be kind to others but I have never been the type of person who allows others to walk all over me – however over time I think my strength has been worn away – chip by chip. I have just given up- I can’t be really certain if this is why I gambled but the light has come on and every time my f&f opens his mouth I just think what a pathetic prat . It is still wearing however .

I wonder does he realise he has lost any control he had – I wonder does he realise the hatred that is growing in my heart .
I doubt it because f&f s have a tendency to view themselves as long suffering and rather perfect people . Even if the person with addiction does manage to help themselves ( and we all know that they are the only person who can do this ) f&f s somehow manage to turn this into another victory for themselves. They recovered because I stopped enabling them kind of rubbish – in truth they probably recovered because they escaped the control and the constant critical monitoring and had space to work things out . Of course I can only speak from my own experience but I have noticed these patterns on various online forums .

It’s amazing since I have highlighted the drain the critical f&f can put on a person how many others have identified with this scenario , both on this site and others. Maybe we are so used to being the wrong person we felt we couldn’t speak out or someone would point out that we put them through pain with out gambling – it begs the question – would we have developed this addiction if we were living happy , supported lives.

[Monica1]

The answer for me to your most insightful question is no, I would not have developed the addiction if I had been leading a happy supported life. I most certainly was not happy when I started gambling and many women CGs have similar issues with either no emotional support anywhere for a long time, like me or in roles and relationships that do not nurture them. My odd pattern was that I never gambled or had urges when away from home all during the week for a long period of time so I could clearly identify that the issue was all to do where I was living and with whom I was sharing my space. I don’t know why it is that a certain type of woman uusually the nurturing kind seems to choose partners that are completely unsuitable for them. This has been my lot. I think it is because we need to learn first to stand on our own two feet and be clear about what we will accept in our lives and what we won’t. And I also think we get worn away by the cares in our Iives. I think half the population could say they feel like this at certain points. I certainly do and it is a kind of giving up or the realisation that this is as good as it gets that leads to a sort of depression. Cos if this is as good as it gets then life would appear to be full of drabness and mundanity which all goes to make for a world weary stance on things. Gambling was me giving up cos it had all been too difficult and I had no one who had the perspective, interest or care to help me out of what I was feeling. That is sad. This is certainly how I felt, not saying the same for you! It it all has to do with a lack of love or self love in our lives. When we feel the love within ourselves we are capable of loving others. And, as Vera says the key to happiness is to be without desire and detached, like the buddhists would say. To be attached is to suffer. When I have been in touch with the higher power and That has been the most high moments in my life, when I feel the love Within everything is just fine just as it is. Most definitely this is the cause of all suffering and also the cure . Love does conquer many things. I think to feel and receive love is the most vital thing in our lives and too many of us are bereft of this and need to go within to find it. maybe the loneliness comes from a lack of connection within, I don’t know, but in my most connected moments I may be alone but I am not lonely. Getting very philosophical here… and I must admit I am struggling to integrate all of the spiritual, emotional and physical aspects into wo we are as humans, but then I have always had this issue throughout my life, i.e. My focus has always been on the spiritual to the detriment of all the other bits that make us human. I shall stop waffling now on your thread but I do know exactly where you are with feeling how you do.

[i-did-it]

Please keep “waffling ” Monica – I am so interested in how you explain things .
Yes I think if I had been a single mum , with no “caring f&f” my life would have been so much better -it would have been without expectation but also without the daily sacrifice to allow my f&of to keep his smug and superior opinion of himself that is so common with f &f.
Many times people have said about him coming to this site for support or to gamanon, and I always thought that would be the final straw- the last possible thing I could tolerate – that he would get to play the martyr to an even bigger audience and be totally encouraged in that role. Martyr I could live with – the smug , controlling, negativity so common in the f&f I have had my fill of .
I have noticed this pattern in the generation before me in his family – it’s harder to see patterns in my own – maybe I am too close .
I have noticed the long suffering martyr who does his/her best married to the “wrong one “. I have observed “wrong Ones” pack up and leave and never ever return or want to – funny I even remember the “wrong one ” being accused of gambling addiction to anyone anywhere who would listen . I hadn’t thought about to happening to men . I have seen the “wrong one ” go on to a great life while the f&f continued to portray martyrdom, and never quite get over the “cg” escaping their control. I have also seen the “wrong one ” stay and conutine to be perceived as the “wrong one ” right into old age .
I have seen this played out and I have seen children damaged . I should have put my time into a physical escape rather than an escape into addiction.

I need to have the courage to change the things I can – there are so many things I can start changing even right now.
It feels like I have woken up and have a new perspective

Thank you Monica – you have made me really think –
And double thank you for not passing judgement on my thoughts and feelings and deciding it’s all because I’m a “cg” and my poor martyr f&f has suffered for a few years because of it and I need to take the plank out of my own eye- I think the plank has blocked my view for decades !

[Anonymous]

Not ignoring you, seen your post earlier but couldn’t have written anything to motivate you today.

Have found it hard to motivate myself today. I’ve got a few problems myself that have sprung up yesterday and today.

Life is pretty crap for me. You know my thing though IDI, talking and I’ve done a lot of that today.

Am noticing I’ve been being quite obsessive in my posting lately. I feel a great deal of empathy towards most here, and would love to be able to try and help everybody, but my priority today has been to try and help myself.

(I’ve helped myself to biscuits, cake, pies….sorry can’t help it sometimes..)

If I get too involved in posting on here it does help me a great deal, but in some respects I’m not doing the right thing by not talking about my problems to the people I talk to.

Head full of problems soon turns into a head full of gambling for me.

Hopefully normal service will be resumed soon.

Take care.

And PS 6 bloody weeks, I’ve had a few day 42’s I’m afraid probably as many as some people have had day 1’s. Hope this is your only ever day 42……you are doing well and I am pleased that you’re not gambling anymore. Even if posting a quick “today I won’t gamble” on Shaun’s thread dosn’t help you it will give him a boost.

[finding_laura]

No one knows YOUR story IDI and shouldn’t automatically assume that all problems belong to the CG. I call myself passive agressive. Because every time I would be mad at my F&F or resentful of his behaviour instead of address it with him (he would just twist it around) I would turn those feelings inward at myself. I try to interrupt the thinking. If I am have urges to gamble why? Is it an unresolved issue that I am struggling with? Then I try and address it instead of turning it inward. We know we want change and are ready to. It is up to them to adjust to the better versions of ourselves. We can only control ourselves. Keep up the great work, and yes this recovery business is work, a lot of self work.
No meetings showing at all! Hubby will be home soon and we spend a couple hours watching shows together so i likely won’t be around for next meeting. I might catch the late one.

6 WEEKS is an amazing accomplishment!

take care,
Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie and Laura .
Geordie , don’t feel obliged to post – I can read back over your many inspirational posts –
Ur words about relapses not being inevitable are with me always .
Laura I don’t know what will happen. – I just know that my days of making do are over .

Tomorrow is day 43 – the start of week seven .
There have been issues in my life and I have had such anxiety because of them- but I notice improvements every day – because I am present – in mind and spirit – and able to take the action I need to.
Those of you who offer me non judgemental support – I wish I could show you the knock on effect of reply on my thread . The support is not only saving me – it is saving my child . I guess it’s true we never know how far those ripples will extend .

[i-did-it]

Day 43- the start of week 7.
I feel
I have no supports in life and yet tonight I did something new – I reached out to friends and they dropped all and somehow helped make my world ok again.

My world is ok.
Life is ok . Maybe I am too hard on myself sometimes .

Less stressed , less anxious and something stirring like a smidgen of happiness .

[p]

That is wonderful to hear
All we have to do is reach out. i often feel unsupported , I have learnt to do the same.. keep reaching out.
So pleased for you with your gamble free time..

P

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