[caribbean blue]

My husband has been gambling for about 15 months now. He has told me he wants my help, recognizes he has a problem but he thinks he can control how much he gambles. I realize he is in denial and not ready to seek outside help and from what I have been reading online I have to let him come to terms that HE needs to make the change and decision himself. Hard for me not to take care of the situation and try to fix this for him. Recently I have changed my thought process and I am putting myself first, working out again, writing out my thoughts and anger in a journal, meditating as well as doing yoga. I just listen to him now when he talks about his debts and don’t volunteer to pay some of it or pay it all because he will never learn to take care of his own problems then. I have debt from doing this so I financially can not do it anymore. I do have anxiety over when he gets paid though. All the bills are in my name and I pay for the rent. I just need him to contribute every 2 weeks. I will find out in a few days if he is going to follow through with what we discussed. Waiting and seeing can be so difficult. He seems to change his mind after we talk and then I get angry and sometimes I can not control my temper. Last pay day he did give me money but it was not what we discussed. This is truly hard.

[velvet]

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Hello Caribbean Blue

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ??

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ??

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Caribbean Blue
Well done starting your thread, you are already handling the situation well but it is good to talk and share with others; I know only too well how lonely the long haul feels.
Your husband’s denial comes from not understanding how difficult it is to control his problem. He thinks he can control it one day, on his own, in his own time, without realising that it gets worse, never better, unless treated.
I often feel relieved when a loved one says that they ‘can’t do the financial loss anymore’ because it implies the situation seems impossible so something must change – but there is also a strength of purpose behind the words. It wasn’t until I had no more money left to squander that I finally stopped enabling my CG’s addiction allowing him the space to fall until he had had enough and changed his life.
The ironic thing is that when it comes down to basics, it is not money that is the problem for the CG, it is the actual gamble; it is the gamble that fills their minds and changes their character and of course that is harder to control.
Waiting for change can seem and often is, interminable and I fully understand why your anger spills out – you would have to be a saint not to feel angry however much you know it is going straight over his head.
I suggest that you download the Gambler’s Anonymous 20-questions and leave them for him to find, hopefully he will read them, even if he screws them up and throws them away. They can help a CG realise that they have a recognised problem for which there is a lot of support nowadays but also hopefully it will help him realise that ‘you’ need support too.
It is a common misconception among CGs (compulsive gamblers) that the pain and the feelings of being misunderstood are all theirs. Your husband has off-loaded on to you the fact that he feels he has a problem but it is ‘you’ that he has designated as his saviour. I know though that you have already been feeling pain for quite a while and this has not eased that pain. He has unburdened himself at a cost to you by making ‘you’ responsible for his recovery.
In my opinion, I believe it is good that a CG knows that their loved ones have sought support for themselves, thus saying ‘I have to take this seriously for me – even if you are not’. I wouldn’t say ‘even if you are not’ to an active CG because it is antagonistic but hopefully the underlying intent is clear.
I will leave it there for now CB but I hope you will post again soon. Keep writing your thoughts; it is excellent therapy for you.
Velvet

[caribbean blue]

It surprises me how quickly my mood can change throughout the day. I am unsure how to talk to him somedays as I don’t fully understand what is going through his mind. He says it is hard for him to explain. A couple of days ago he said he was feeling better mentally and felt in control and then this morning he told me that he is not an addict.

I will print out the 20 questions from GA and leave them out for him. I think that is a good idea. I will also tell him that I am getting help for myself. I have told him multiple times that there is help out there for both of us but he just says “I am all he needs”. I have also been thinking about going to a counsellor as well as Gam-Anon.

His father did pass away a few months ago so I am trying to be as patience as I can and understanding. I think he sees a change in me and I don’t know if he understands how to respond.

I appreciate the suggestions and response. I have posted on other sites but did not get any responses back which is so disappointing.

[velvet]

Hi Caribbean Blue
It is not just disappointing when you don’t get responses – I found the greater the lack of support I got the more I felt it was me that was the problem instead of being able to deal with what was actually happening in my life, so I am really glad you found this site.
I thoroughly recommend Gam-Anon but if you go for a counsellor make sure they are dedicated to addiction counselling especially gambling.
When you say you are unsure how to talk to your husband it is probably because you are concerned about his reaction – there are things you don’t want to happen such as an argument or a twisting of truth. What is happening with your husband is that he doesn’t know what you are going to say and he may use excuses like ‘I’m tired/can I at least get my coat off before you start/let me wake up first/you are worrying about nothing’ – what he is doing (if this happens) is giving his gambling brain time to ready itself in case he feels threatened.
It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope with communicating with an active CG.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t threaten the beast it will stay in the corner. When it feels threatened by, for instance, you pleading with him to stop gambling and tell the truth, the beast will leap between you and from that moment on you are talking to the beast and your husband can’t hear you
It is important never to forget that you are not controlled by an addiction unless you allow it. The gambling addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not – and nor do you want to be,
Your husband’s addiction is one that breeds feelings of failure – he will always lose when he indulges his addiction and this will demolish his self-esteem and confidence. With feelings of worthlessness he has to fight back with the only tools his addiction knows, lies and confusion. . Blaming you and demoralising you is his addiction talking..
In my opinion, listening is more important than talking to a CG. When you listen you stay out of the argument that the addiction has created to make you to feel less in control, thus allowing you time to make the right decisions for both of you.

I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which hopefully will help you to see how your husband’s ups and downs can be the means of causing your mood to be changeable too. I hope it helps.
Keep posting and I will keep trying to help you cope with this difficult situation.
Velvet

[caribbean blue]

My husband got paid today and he deposited his cheque in our joint account (my pay checks do NOT go in there). I took half of his cheque to put towards the credit card bill (as we discussed before) and he wants the rest left in his account to pay for groceries this weekend and the remainder for him to access in the next 2 weeks.

He has $100 on him so I don’t think he should have more. I told him that and his reply was that he needs to see if he can handle having money in there and not withdrawal it. Then I dropped it.

If I go online and move it all over (he does not have access to the online banking) and he tries to withdrawal money tonight it will cause a big fight or I could just wait and see how long it takes him to spend it all?????

He plays the tables at the casino so he needs money in hand or have access to money on his ATM card.

He has these moment of clarity and then the gambling brain creeps in and he can easily change his mind. He also is so forgetful after a gambling episode.

There is the concern of rocking the boat. He did follow through with contributing this pay day which is a change but I really just want all of his cheque.

[vera]

1. CGs (Compulsive Gamblers) cannot handle money. It always follows what we have already lost.
2. A CG has to agree to have finances “handled” by spouse/partner. Otherwise there will be constant arguments.
Gambling arguments are very draining. Better just stick to an action plan.
Words mean nothing to a CG in the “active phase”.
Keep posting

[caribbean blue]

I left the money in his account because I did not want to go through the gambling arguments as they are very draining. I am trying to decrease my stress, anger and anxiety.

I checked his account around midnight and he had not withdrawn any money yet. He gets off of work at 10:00 pm so I was surprised. He got home around 2:00 am and then I looked on my phone and he only had $100 left.

My goal is to not confront him as soon as he comes home and just wait until the next day to talk as he is still in the “active phase”. I was very angry that he just gambled/spent $600 though.

I laid in bed for about 10 minutes and then I went to talk to him in the dining room. I stayed calm, kept my voice low, asked a few questions. He became agitated because “I wanted to do this right now”. Then he proceeded to tell me he put some gas in his car (which i seen online), paid his tab (which i seen), paid someone back $80 that he borrowed and that he gambled the rest which was around $400. And of course said “yah I gambled $400 so what, it’s not that bad”, I gave you 500 to put on the credit card”.

To me it is bad. He spent the balance of his cheque in 1 day. He has to live on $100 for 2 weeks. Now I am going to have to fill up his car and he expects me to probably give in pocket cash. Which he thinks will be coming out of the 500 he gave me on the credit card.

Last week I only gave him $20 for pocket cash that is why he borrowed money from someone else. I don’t feel guilty anymore though. If he is going to go somewhere else to get the money then that is his decision.

I told him I am trying to help and maybe I should handle his money for awhile. He said he did not feel comfortable with that. I said it was an option and we should stop talking because he was getting defensive.

I guess at this point if he does not want me to handle his money I have to decide how long I want to live like this. We will never get ahead then. He needs to contribute to the household bills. It was like he wanted a gold star for doing so.

[vera]

HI CB,
You don’t have to fill up his car or give him pocket money.
Can he walk? Or ride a bike?
By filling his car you are enabling him to gamble.
If my husband had used tough love instead of taking the easy option (giving in to my demands after I had lost my salary every month)I would not have ended up with a 6 figure debt.
Why would you enable your husband to destroy himself?
Of course none of this is your fault but I strongly believe that enablers should be told that they are doing a huge disservice to their nearest and dearest.
Yes, he will go elsewhere for the money, but friends will soon get the message when the debt builds up.
It sounds cruel, but if he doesn’t contribute to the household bills, he needs to feel the consequences. You can’t take his money. You can’t stop him gambling, but you certainly can make his life uncomfortable to the point where he will need to question the sanity of throwing 600 away in a few hours.
Keep the communication open.

[worriedmama]

Sorry you find yourself here but happy you are looking for support… this is hard to do without support.

I agree with others suggestions… try find a GamAnon. As different as everybody’s situation is there are so many commonalities that you will find a great deal of comfort & support … you are not the only one dealing with this.

Your husband is in denial. Gambling addiction is incredibly strong and very progressive. Unfortunately for your husband he will never be able to just bet $20. For him any amount gambled IS in fact ‘that bad’ as it just feeds the addiction.

As Vera says the best we can do is make a gamblers life very uncomfortable. It has to hurt to motivate them to change. Consequences have to be felt.

An active CG can have you believing black is white and up is down. Be strong in your boundaries… both emotionally and financially.

Keep writing!

Cathy

[caribbean blue]

I find that my husband’s memory is not good during and after he gambles. Not sure why that is… He has even noticed it and commented on it.

He wanted money last night and I said no. He texted a few times and even called me but I stayed calm and then he ended up coming home shortly after. We did not discuss it when he got home. I knew he was upset but I am setting my boundaries and need to follow through.

I did tell him that I am seeking support and learning about problem gambling. He was a bit shocked but he was fine with it. I did mention to him about how he has been saying he wants “my help” and I told him that I could not be his saviour. He then said “he is the only one that can save himself”. He is coming to me more and talking about how much he will be contributing each month. He did contribute last payday and also gambled. I do see changes in him but his actions speak volumes and he is still not ready to stop gambling.

I am working out twice a week now and I find that is very helpful. I do feel stronger and healthier and I do feel more confident about the decisions I make.

Thanks for all the feedback.

[caribbean blue]

My husbands mood has not changed since my post last week. He is grumpy because I did not give him the money he wanted. I set boundaries for myself and I followed through with them so he is feeling the pinch.

I do have a question. It may seem silly. Do I just say no when he asks of money or do I also give my reason for saying no. Last week I said no I don’t have the money. Does it make a difference to a CG what the reason is?

[vera]

CGS want money, not “reasons”.
We don’t operate on a rational level when we gamble.
We don’t want to hear the words we need to hear.
We have selective memories, fluctuating moods, flawed consciences and distorted thinking at every level.
“NO” is all we need to hear but it must be followed up with firm action.
I will give you a personal example. I was marooned in a casino once. Miles away. Totally wiped out. No way home. I phoned a “good friend” who “owed me one”, saying “I just need 50 for petrol PLEASE. I’m really stuck”
The answer came fast
“TOUGH”!!!!
I got the message.
When it comes to enabling, CGS are very fast learners.
We learn who NOT to ask !

[velvet]

Hi CB
I agree whole-heartedly with Vera. My experience was that when I had no more money to give my CG he gave up seeking enablement from me. I finally impressed on him that there really was no more and sadly for me at that time it was absolutely true.
I think that not having the money to give does help F&F to say the magic ‘no’. If there is money that could be available, however, then saying ‘no’ is still valid because having money to live on is not (for F&F anyway) the same as having money to throw away. It is of course important to stick to your guns having said no.
No questions are silly CB – if we don’t ask we don’t learn so anything you want to know just fire away.
Velvet

[caribbean blue]

The past 2 days having been draining for me. My husband is getting low on gas. I don’t give him cash to fill up anymore and I know by going to the gas station and putting gas in his car it is still enabling him. He commutes 1.5 to 2 hours a day by car so riding a bike, walking or taking a bus is not an option because of where he works and he also works nights.

He asked me for gas money yesterday. I wanted to know how many days he can go a full tank. He got mad and texted that he would figure something out himself. I did not respond and assumed he would borrow money from a friend.

This morning I left for work and he was still sleeping. He called later asking me about the gas money. I told him I thought he had it covered from his text message. He was mad, he went off on a tangent and I just listened. He went over how much he put in to the bills last pay day and that he told me to set aside 100 for gas and I probably forgot that. Well I told him calmly that he did not say that and that in the future he needs to set more money aside for his gas then. Then off he goes again saying that I am trying to teach him a life lesson… on and on. I told him I would “borrow” him 20 for gas (which I know I shouldn’t have). I normally don’t say borrow so I wanted to see what he would say. He did not like it and said he would figure it out himself. He did not get what he wanted.

These simple things seem to be so hard. He was acting exactly how Vera said, selective memory, distorted thinking and very moody.

This can be so tiring and draining.

[frankie06]

Hi caribbean blue,

My cg bf is exactly the same but when i say no to lending money he threatens me that he will leave and not give me any money for bills. This gets me really upset all of the time. I’m on egg shell with him all the time. I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth due to him texting me and saying he will stop that we will get through this together….two days later asking to borrow money and saying he has a new addiction of playing poker which is really the same thing, gambling!!!
I got my hopes up a lot and he did at one point call gordon moody but they rang back to say for him to call back but e never did and so he carries on….
I honestly dont know how long i can keep living through this as well as my son.
I wanted another child as well a sibling for my son but i wonder if i could cope with the stress and mood swings from him. I have wanted marriage for a long time but keep going over in my mind is that a wise decision?
I cant seem to get forward its a losing battle and im stuck in it.
Thinking of u and when you feel down remember you are not alone.
Frankie

[velvet]

Hi CB
The subject of enablement has a few grey areas so I am hoping you can tell me a little more about this gas situation.
Does he give you money when he is paid to cover his expenses or does he believe that what is his is his and when he no longer has any money you are the money tree he turns to cover the hole in his finances?
Does he he earn enough to pay for his gas to and from his place of work, his food, the roof over his head, etc. if he doesn’t gamble?
If he is gambling the money he requires to commute to work and then you pay for his gas then I would say that is enablement. If he is unable to meet his gas bill for one month because he has other household expenditure and you can see that he is genuinely getting in a fix then I believe that going with him to the gas station and actually paying for the gas without giving him any cash is not enablement.
I know that CGs survive well even when they say they are going to lose their jobs etc because they can’t get to work and it is all your fault regardless of the fact that they have actually gambled the money away. This is the difficult time and I fully appreciate how hard this is for you but figuring it out for himself is the best thing he can do.
I certainly couldn’t and wouldn’t judge you for ‘lending’ your husband 20 for gas following persistent badgering, one would have to be a saint to hold out against some of the emotional blackmail one can feel. Maybe you could ask him for the receipt for the gas so that you didn’t have the worry that money is being wasted when you can’t afford it. A CG going into rehab has to produce receipts as part of learning to handle money and to show willingness to wanting to control their addiction.
Hope all this makes sense
Speak soon
Velvet

[vera]

There is a fine line between helping and enabling.
I accept the fact that I am a CG.
I need to be aware that I am also an enabler!
Enabling is a difficult habit to break, depending on how close you are to the CG or how dependent you are on him/her for your own emotional security.
You are doing all the right things, it seems.
Providing help (in your case buying gas) when the CG should be able to handle this task without help, is in my opinion,enabling.
Good intentions often lead to misguided actions. I say this both as a CG who demanded enablement and as an enabler.
We need to reflect deeply to identify our enabling behaviour and why we do it.
If you resent your actions, do them out of fear, or carry on in the absence of appreciation I would think you are enabling, not helping the CG.
It is a complex situation . We need to weigh up the consequences of short term pain versus long term misery.
Take it one day at a time CB. You are an intelligent lady. You will learn the difference between enabling and helping as time goes on.
Enabling is not just about financing the CG. It also involves time, emotional drainage and allowing him to place the onus on you for tasks he should be taking responsibility for himself.
CGs are experts when it comes to deflection and projection.
You are making wonderful progress.
Well done!

[caribbean blue]

It has been awhile since I have posted. Things were going pretty good. My husband had cut back on his gambling not totally quit though. He was contributing every payday and had found a balance on his own to pay for his own gas and not have too much pocket change between pay days. He would give me money for groceries and to pay against the debt.

We went to his daughters high school graduation out of town a few months ago and he worked overtime to get the extra money needed. Something has changed the past two months though. He is back to gambling his whole check in a couple of days and not coming home. Avoiding me of course.

I have changed a lot in the past year and see my growth but I find my patience is thin and I will not tolerate the same things as last year. Two months has been too much for me this year and I told him so. Not going back to that again.

I said he needed to decide if he wanted to gamble or be married and he said marriage but I see now that I should have worded that different. He would not actually pick gambling and say that to my face.

He told me yesterday that he went to a meeting but we have yet to talk about it as yesterday we had Thanksgiving dinner and we were with company shortly after he arrived home.

I totally don’t believe that he went and feel bad thinking that but he does lie and he knows I am at my wits end.

The talk will be tonight though. Its a hard road and don’t 100% know if I have the strength to do this.

[velvet]

Hi Blue
I am relieved that you knew you could return when your husband did not embrace a full gamble free life.
I don’t know of a compulsive gambler who has successfully ‘cut back’ on his addiction for any great length of time. Your husband appears to have tried to manage his addiction rather than accept it.
Many compulsive gamblers can stop betting for money for varying lengths of time but continue making mind bets which they may not admit to unless specifically asked. Some abstinent gamblers keep a check on what abstinence has saved or cost them but abstinence is not recovery. Mind bets are not an uncommon way for a CG to ‘stay in action’. However such thinking and any reduced gambling only serves to keep the action alive in the head of the gambler which given the right circumstances will blast free again with often devastating results.
‘If’ your husband did go to a meeting, he may be reluctant to talk about it – meetings are eye-openers and he may not have liked what he saw and heard – many CGs return home and say “well I’m not as bad as him or her”. One the other hand it is possible that he got a lot of food for thought which he needs to process himself before raising your hopes.
Please be prepared if you do lay down the gauntlet of ‘marriage or gambling’. Know yourself what this could mean to you and whether or not you can go through with it. Compulsive gamblers are the masters of threats and recognise an empty threat as a green light to carry on gambling.
Please keep posting – gamblers do lie but they can also turn their lives around, learn to tell the truth and live gamble-free, if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here.
Velvet

[caribbean blue]

Hi It has been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks. I have additional stress from family and my job so the issue with my husband can put me over the edge.

My husband actually spoke to a counsellor not actually went to a group meeting. His friend goes to AA and he referred him. My husband does not have a drinking problem but the counsellor spoke to him anyway. My husband said he will not go again and did not talk much about it and seemed defensive. I did not push it as eventually he may talk about it.

Last night we spoke again about his problem and he did open up a bit more and what I got from the conversation is he is very depressed and just does not seem hopeful. He seems to think the money he makes is not enough even if he works overtime it won’t help to pay off the debt he owes. He has this time table to pay things off and it is not realistic. He wants a quick fix.

I offered to go to couples counselling with him and even talked about hotlines and online help but he seems to think no one will be able to help him and he is the only one that can help himself. Not sure how to help him from here.

[velvet]

Hi Blue

All the things your husband listed are typical of a person suffering with the addiction to gamble but often not admitted.

The compulsion to gamble does cause depression – by its sheer nature of constant failure it cannot bring happiness.

The compulsion to gamble usually results in debt which causes depression. Your husband cannot see an end to the debt his gambling has caused but sadly his answer is to gamble more causing his debt and depression to multiply..

An active compulsive gambler is emotionally immature. He is unrealistic about a time-table to clear his debts because he will only see gambling as his answer.

The compulsion to gamble takes time to grow into something that feels insurmountable – it stands to reason, therefore, that it takes time to undo the damage and become gamble-free – there is no quick or easy fix. Everything that he has said is understood here and everything he has said has a solution. What he does not appear to be understanding yet is that he can control his addiction, he can live gamble-free, he can become debt-free, he need not be depressed.

I suspect your husband didn’t like what he heard from the AA counsellor. He was probably frightened by what he thinks he has to do and what he has to give up to live gamble-free. I remember being brought up short when the CG in my life told me how daunting ‘forever’ looked without his addiction. As non-CGs we can move on from the gambling experience and recover our lives completely but a CG cannot. Your husband will always be a CG but he can control his addiction and have a wonderful life – I know because I have seen and heard it done often. Many F&F and CGs make something not only good but better out of their lives as a result of living through the bad experience.

All this depends, of course, on your husband wanting to take control of his life and not be controlled by an addiction. I think it might be a good idea to tell him what you are learning on this site and in particular the message that comes from CGs who do live in control of their addiction – ‘facing the addictive gambling addiction is not something to tackle alone’, if it was so it would be documented on this site. Personally, I have never heard of a CG maintaining a gamble-free life without support.  it is hard to get a CG to hear what they do not want to hear so pick your times when he is more ready to listen and never in the middle of an argument.  

I appreciate that you have other problems causing you stress but I am sure it would help if you could handle your joint finances. Many CGs do not like this as they feel they are being treated like children but most CGs who want to live gamble-free accept that this is one of the best ways forward for them. It isn’t a punishment, it is an amazing tool and it can make all the difference.

I am concerned that you feel you are tipping over the edge so I really hope you will keep posting. Look after your job and your other family worries first; your husband’s addiction is looking after him at the moment. Your health is more important because without it you will not be able to cope with any of your concerns.

Try and imagine that all your worries are a daunting pile of pieces in a giant jig-saw puzzle – what do you worry about first? By taking one piece at a time and dealing with it before picking up the next, the pile of worries gets smaller and you can begin to make sense of the whole picture. Worrying about problems all day long doesn’t solve anything. Try and have some ‘me’ time every day. I know this is one of the latest ‘in’ expressions but it does help.

Just as your husband will have to do when he faces his addiction, it is important that you just take one day at a time – you can do no more.

I hope some of this helps Blue but ask me anything and I will do my best for you

Speak soon Velvet

[caribbean blue]

Hi

Part of my issue is that I have no control over what he does and if he ends up helping with the bills. It is hard for me. The feeling of hopelessness.

I do have control over our bills and everything is in my name. My credit is still good but I am at the point now that I really just want to start paying down my credit card bills. We could do it so quick if he would help out. Living month to month is tight if he does not chip in but I can get by. The thing is I don’t want to just get by any more. I want to get ahead and move on from this spot we are in.

I did go to my doctor and have changed a few things in my life and they seem to be helping. It is a hard road though and my emotions go up and down.

I am just so impatience right now.

[velvet]

Hi CB
I am concerned that it is only you that is trying to do something about the way things are for you both – your husband doesn’t seem to be making any effort to live gamble-free. I would like to take you back to an earlier post by Vera where she makes the following points
“ Good intentions often lead to misguided actions. I say this both as a CG who demanded enablement and as an enabler.
We need to reflect deeply to identify our enabling behaviour and why we do it.
If you resent your actions, do them out of fear, or carry on in the absence of appreciation I would think you are enabling, not helping the CG.
It is a complex situation . We need to weigh up the consequences of short term pain versus long term misery.
Take it one day at a time CB. You are an intelligent lady. You will learn the difference between enabling and helping as time goes on.
Enabling is not just about financing the CG. It also involves time, emotional drainage and allowing him to place the onus on you for tasks he should be taking responsibility for himself.
CGs are experts when it comes to deflection and projection.”
At the moment, you are in a position of control, your credit is good and you are able to control your own life.
Are you saying you have control over the bills because you are paying them without your husband chipping in – because if this is so, why would your husband bother to curb his addiction when you are managing so well?
Maybe you should be saying ‘I will not pay your bills unless you actively tackle your addiction’ and mean it.

It seems to me and forgive me if I am not reading this right – ‘you don’t just want to get by, you want to move on’ but you are perhaps hoping that you will be able to do so even while your husband gambles, hopefully less. Sadly things will not improve unless your husband actively seeks change – the addiction to gamble gets worse, never better, it requires treatment and it thrives on enablement.
Don’t be impatient, be positive and tough – you do not have to allow his addiction to rule whether or not you just get by or not. Be strong, I can hear you can do it.
Velvet
You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results – Mahatma Gandi

[caribbean blue]

Hi I don’t enable my husband anymore. 100% of the household bills are in my name so I will pay them no matter what. The credit card debt is on my cards so I have to at least make the minimum payments. I am not going to not pay a bill to make a point to him as it is my credit. I don’t give him money for the personal bills that are in his name. If he doesn’t pay them, they don’t get paid or he borrows from his friends. I can manage on my own meaning pay bills, my gas and my food. His wage would help so much to get those bills paid down so much quicker. I’m impatient in waitng for him to say he is going to get some help. I don’t see too many options. We stay together and wait for him to want help or ask him to leave. 

[velvet]

Hi Blue
You are not enabling and the credit card debt is yours so I think that your options are as you said – stay together and wait for him to hurt enough to seek help (while you feel the pinch because I suspect he will never contribute) or ask him to leave – it is a sad choice methinks but it has to be yours.
The only other thing I can suggest is an intervention meeting with friends and family where the dangers of his behaviour are pointed out to him and he is informed that all enablement is going to cease. This only works, of course, when everybody understands enough to speak as one voice.
What I do urge you to do is to ensure that ‘your’ life is full of friends and the things that please you – so many of us get so wrapped up in the addiction that we lose our own dreams and ambitions and it is harder to start again – I speak as one who knows this long and lonely road. It is easy to let months and years roll by in constant hope of change but a compulsive gambler needs those around him to be pliable so please be careful and look after you.
Keep posting and hopefully gaining knowledge of his addiction. I wish I could tell you that if you did a, b or c it would make him stop gambling but there is no magic formula. I do believe it helps to share though and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
Velvet

[bjmice]

Here is an expert from my journal in 2006, I am constantly telling myself that I am going to quit, it has been 12 years still struggling day to day, last few months have been a lot of lies and deception, desperation and now late car payments and bill collectors calling me. Last night I gambled till 4am, today at work on time at 8am,  3 hours sleep. Time is what is hurting the most. I like what you said about the mind still wanting to ***** bets. Here is a quick journal entry from years ago:

11-30-06

 

I still cannot shake the gambling addiction. Again, I  ended up at the OAKS card club for the past Tuesday night I stayed up until 4am. On Monday I was up until 4am getting my ass kicked online playing on bodog.com. I signed up and got an online ac*****. So I lost $500 dollars online and this was with a credit card Purchase! ouch! Anyways, I have to figure out a way to quit, this is just not good to keep playing like this, it’s causing me to not have any sleep. I am getting in too deep with $30-$60. I have these dreams of grandeur, that I can go to Vegas and play like a pro and make a living playing cards. It’s just really ridiculous. However, it is compelling at the same time. I have a shot just like anyone else. I just need to know when to stop playing in the session, after I’ve won for awhile I end up going nutz and playing the wrong hands and start losing the money back. I am able to do really well, then I end up giving the money back. For example, tuesday night I was up about $2000.00 and it was only 11:30pm and I wanted to cash out. I was tired. I’d only slept for 6 hours in the past two days. However, I stayed and someone else got on a rush and killed everyone at the table; as well as my stacks started to go down. At that point, I started to go on “Tilt” and then it was over. I was in complete Tilt mode and could not stop until I busted out my ac*****. I lost the $2,000 and then the bankroll I brought that day $1700  dollars.Then dipped into any funds I could muster until my bankcards told me that I had “insufficient funds”. Totally tapped out and depressed, dejected and frustrated with my actions, and it has to do with my emotional state of mind. how tired I was, no sleep, a lot of factors. It’s really just terrible and I don’t see a way out sometimes. I just need to quit -it’s probably destroying my life.

Even with these journals working as letters from myself to the addicted gambler, I keep going on and off the wagon, trying to quit. It is very difficult and each day is a victory, I can only try to not gamble today…

[velvet]

Hi CB

It would be great to get an update

You are in my thoughts

Velvet

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