[lizbeth4]

I’m starting my new thread earlier than I had anticipated. I’ve had 1 counseling session. Thankfully, I was able to get in quickly due to a cancellation. There is only one place in town that I can go. My counselor seems nice. I’m not sure if we click or not. It’s too early for me to determine. I’m not holding back! I feel like this is the first time that I have been totally truthful and not sugar coated anything. My insurance will pay for 16 sessions. Which I am grateful for. I’ve decided to only buy Xmas gifts for the Grandkids. No adult presents. Everyone agrees. This makes it more stress free. I’d rather give gifts to my children for their birthdays. So I’m still fighting! Not giving in. I am very hopeful!!!

[lizbeth4]

I am a worrier! Big time and about everything. I put a lot of stress on myself. Unrealistic expectations!!! Worrying takes away your peace and doesn’t change anything. I need to have faith! Whatever happens is going to happen. So, I am doing relaxation exercises and meditating again. I cause a lot of my own stress. I have to keep working on this!

[finding_laura]

Very happy to see your new thread! And that you are trying something different. Sometimes we just get stuck I think and if what you were doing wasn’t working then trying something different like adding counseling that is just for you is a great step. There’s different sayings or quotes about worry, but I like this one. “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy” – Leo Buscaglia There are many takes on it so I’m sure you’ve heard it before. I’m not a big worrier. I’m more fly by the seat of my pants a little too much. But if i start to worry about something that I cannot change I’m pretty good at letting it go. Now stewing about things in anger or resentment, now that is something I’m very good at. Took up too much of my head space. I need to start meditating. Today’s feel good activity is going to be a walk in the woods with my old faithful. Her days are numbered and walking is getting harder for her but she loves it and it’s good for both of us. I AM really happy to see you here Liz and you’re not giving up! You deserve to be happy and as stress free as possible. Have a great weekend. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post. Have a good walk! I felt stuck and that nothing was working. This feels like a new start! I’ve imposed many of my stressors on myself. I want to be true to myself. Honestly, the stress in my life has taken a toll on me! I’ve aged so much in the last few years. I don’t think I am living for the present. I’m lost! I need to let go of my expectations of other people or I will always be disappointed. I have a lot to learn and work on. Today I’m getting my Xmas tree and decorations out. I have so much stuff. I’m going through it all and selling what I don’t use. Tomorrow my Granddaughter is having her pics taken with Santa. It will be fun!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
When I read on Laura’s thread that you were closing your old thread I went rushing to write on there . I am so glad you opened a new thread – Christmas creates such pressure so it is a great decision to just buy for the grandkids .

The counselling also sounds like a great decision- as Laura says it’s good to add something new .

I am so glad you are here posting – I have been on this site for many years and I love catching up on your thread.
Please let us know how the counselling goes – I haven’t ever really tried counselling since I developed this addiction .

So glad to see you still posting Lizbeth .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I’ve done counseling before for my gambling but I didn’t follow though. I agree with Laura, it’s good to add something new. If it doesn’t work, you can try something else. Today I was put to the test. My youngest Daughter was venting to me about someone. I listened, although my first reaction was to try and fix it. She asked for my opinion and I told her she needed to clear the air with that person and try to work things out. I wasn’t stressed or worried about how I could fix the situation. A biggie for me! I have pulled out all of my Xmas decorations and have everything scattered about my living room. I’m going to get the tree up and decorated this evening. A lot to do!

[kathryn]

I’ve missed everything! I have been in a bit of a funk since my trip. I’ve found it very hard to get back into my normal routine and I’m sorry, it seems you have been going through an awful lot and I wasn’t here to support you. But…..here I am now.
Unrealistic expectations…..the story of my life.
I have spent my life being dissapointed, heartbroken, sad, mad, you name it.
I could never understand why people would treat me a certain way, because I would never treat them that way.
I haven’t learnt much, and still struggle with this but what I have learnt is the only person I can change is me, and I am the owner of my own happiness. This has helped to a degree, and I’m getting better at it.
I’m glad you are going to councilling, and I truly wish that it helps you find what you need to be happy in this life.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn. I’m glad you had a great vacation. You deserve it! You have been my Great supporter here!! I truly appreciate it! I’m feeling a bit low today! There are some things (self imposed) that I am dealing with right now. I know I will get through this and come out better than before. I know I’m in control of my own happiness. It’s taken me a long time to realize this. Today, my Granddaughter is getting her picture taken with Santa. Fun! I’m trying to live in the moment.

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
I hope you enjoy picture time. They grow so fast. It’s good to be there and not missing the memory making. I hope she doesn’t cry! I have a quiet few hours before supper so I’m going to do a little reading and posting before supper. We can’t control what life throws at us, we can only control how we react to it. Keep working on your happiness Liz. Laura

[maverick.]

Lizbeth I am so very glad you have started a new thread, I know I havent posted much over the last few months but I read everyday………sometimes I really want to share but I havent been in a great place over the last few months so have decided to stay quite.

I hope you are doing well and like I say I am so very glad you have started a new thread, please make sure you always stay around as this site is a great way to share how we feel……and guess what if people say things about us we dont agree with then thats great because “what other people think about us is their problem not ours”

Really good to see you Lizbeth as always and wish u well my friend, hope this finds you well and remember we can only ever take our lives one day at a time!

All my very best

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura and Maverick for your posts. She did cry when getting her pics taken with Santa. Just like her Mom did. I’m struggling this afternoon. My Mother and I just had the worse blow out. She became aggressive while I was holding my Granddaughter. She told me to get out and never come back. She tried to hit me! It’s not Alzheimer’s as she has been like this all of my life. I’m done!

[lizbeth4]

I made it through the gambling urges. I have my Xmas tree decorated and I’m in my PJs watching TV. So there’s no gambling for me! I reread a article about toxic and dysfunctional family members. It helped! It’s so draining and if I let it, I will be destroyed. It’s just sad as our birthdays and Xmas is coming up. There has always been a underlying anger that she has against me. There’s no discussing it as she gets defensive and mad. I’m no angel as I have said many awful things in return to her outbursts. Well it’s done! I feel terrible that it happened but I am going to distance myself again. I’m so envious of people who have close relationships with their Mothers. It should be like that!!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
you are right. It should be like that. I can’t believe your mother raised her hand to you. And with a baby in your arms as well! That would be terribly upsetting. No wonder you have to keep your distance most of the time. I’m glad you found a way to cope with the feelings other than gambling! Thanks for letting us know you made out ok. You can control your actions or reactions not her behaviour. Keep going know that you are doing the best you can with the circumstance you have been given. Good night Liz

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for checking in on me. I’m ok. Just snacking and watching TV. I’m going to be alright. I’m happy that I haven’t gambled to cope. I know that some of the dysfunction has rubbed off on me. How could it not when I grew up in that mess? I have to keep working on me! It’s sad and horrible!

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m watching my Granddaughter. I feel so sad and broken inside. How did things end up like this? Yesterday a lot of mean things were said between my Mother and I. Some of it was true and some was said out of anger. This really puts the damper on Xmas. My oldest Daughter and I aren’t on the greatest of terms. I would like to call everything off except for my Grandson. What to Do? When I stopped being the doormat for my family, many of my relationships changed. I haven’t gambled. I’m staying strong!

[finding_laura]

Oh Liz ?? so hard. It seems like such a normal thing to want a good relationship with your mother and daughter.
Sometimes people are just a little broken. Either in how they are made up mentally or due to their circumstances. And as much as we’d like to fix them we can’t. There is a always a possibility that they may chose to work on themselves. Again we can’t force that issue. So as horrible as it makes you feel, setting some boundaries is healthy for you.
If you feel you said some things to your mother you shouldn’t have maybe an apology is in order. But only you know if that will stir the pot. You will likely not get one back from what you have said but sometimes we just have to forgive them! For your own sanity and know that you are forgiven too, if by no one else than yourself!
Rambling a little so hope that makes sense. Change is scary Liz! But being stuck is worse.
take care,
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura. What you say makes sense. I tried to apologize for the angry things I said to her. To no avail. I’m going to give myself till next Monday to decide whether I’m having Xmas at my house. I’d rather be alone than to deal with conflicts. I think I am broken in many ways. I want to grow and change. I don’t want to stay stuck. I’ve set boundaries but I need to set more! I’m invited to a Xmas party tomorrow evening. I’m looking forward to it and meeting new people. My Granddaughter is sleeping. Such a beauty and so sweet. I have a lot of blessings in my life! I can’t lose sight of that.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth ,
My mind boggles when I think how you adapt to so many generations .
Some people have the ability to press our buttons ( as u will have seen in my recent dealings on here lol)… and it is easy not to react when you are not in the middle of it- another story when it’s you getting the abuse and especially from your own flesh and blood . Then things can get very hot and and many knees jerk reactions happen. Don’t punish yourself – your mum and you obviously love each -if it helps you to say sorry then do so – you are right about boundaries – no one has the right to judge us or say unkind things – that doesn’t stop them though and then it’s a great idea to strengthen boundaries .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. Since she won’t talk to me, I’ve send her a card. I apologized for acting out of anger. I kept it short. It may mean nothing to her but now I feel like I have a free conscious. It’s a vicious cycle. If I keep my distance she gets upset. If I try to talk to her, she gets defensive and digs up anything bad to throw at me. When she apologizes she says if I’ve done anything wrong I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean anything. I was sexually abused as a child by a family member and she refuses to acknowledge it although she knew about it afterwards. That among other heavy things from my childhood I believe fuel my anger. There is no compassion, empathy from her. She says, if that happened, I’m sorry. My feeling can’t be dismissed. My Sister is 5 years younger than me and remembers these awful things. Thankfully, they were not done to her, except for my Mom’s 4 dysfunctional marriages that we endured. Nothing she can say will stop the bad feelings but to always be dismissed is sad. This is something that I am working on in counseling. I don’t want to have guilt when she dies that I couldn’t forgive her. I don’t want my life screwed up anymore with the gambling. No more self destructive behaviors.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth ,
Many people find it hard to admit when they are wrong – I guess it’s a character fault – or maybe a defence mechanism- because to admit it once might open the floodgates – and perhaps we would have to admit to ourselves how we have failed as mothers or in other relationships .
Sometimes I feel like that – I can’t bear to think about how my gambling has affected my son- but I know it has but if I allowed myself to go there -I don’t know if I could stop the guilt . It sounds like your mother knows only too well deep down but can’t face the whole truth.
I think our biggest failure as parents is not to protect our children,but I guess sometimes we don’t recognise the danger.
It sounds like your mother needed her relationships just like we needed gambling – the dream of something better perhaps .
I am Really only rambling- trying to make sense of it .
I know however , that your mother being nasty is far more honest that those mothers who set themselves up as holier that thou – she must have her pain too. Perhaps her own childhood left her unable to express love appropriately .
I don’t know – but I do know of a little girl and boy who are blessed to have a loving grandmother like you .
I wish u would come to some groups – it sos much easier to talk there

[vera]

I am glad to see you are bouncing back, Lizbeth.
When we feel hurt, we often blame others. Nobody has the power to make you unhappy (or happy, either!)unless you give them that power. We are conditioned to believe the opposite from an early age in our society. When I feel hurt, the hurt is in me, Lizbeth. Not in the other person. I learned that a long time ago. It takes wisdom to put it into practice. When you understand that, your heart will be filled with compassion and you will be FREE!
You are always in my prayers, Lizbeth. We need to reclaim our power. That often means letting go.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Vera for your posts! I-did-it, I agree with a lot that you said. My Mother is dealing with everything the best she can. I feel she shut down emotionally a long time ago. I repeated a lot that saw as a child. I’ve had 2 dysfunctional marriages. It affected both of my Daughters I’m sure. Vera, I understand for me to have peace, I have to let go. That is why I decided to go back to counseling. It’s hard because i feel like my Mother didn’t protect me from evil as a child and wanted me to pretend that our lives were perfect. It goes further into our relationship now as she is always lashing out at me. It’s hard to take it as it happens anytime I’m around her. I truly believe that she hates me. She’s had a lot of problems with my Sister and her siblings (All of who are dead) Maybe she was molested as a child?? She will never open up though. I’ve apologized for getting angry with her but she won’t acknowledge it. Becauser in het mind she’s done nothing wrong. I-did-it, I’m going to look at the times of the groups. I’m willing to give it another try.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Vera for your posts! I-did-it, I agree with a lot that you said. My Mother is dealing with everything the best she can. I feel she shut down emotionally a long time ago. I repeated a lot that saw as a child. I’ve had 2 dysfunctional marriages. It affected both of my Daughters I’m sure. Vera, I understand for me to have peace, I have to let go. That is why I decided to go back to counseling. It’s hard because i feel like my Mother didn’t protect me from evil as a child and wanted me to pretend that our lives were perfect. It goes further into our relationship now as she is always lashing out at me. It’s hard to take it as it happens anytime I’m around her. I truly believe that she hates me. She’s had a lot of problems with my Sister and her siblings (All of who are dead) Maybe she was molested as a child?? She will never open up though. I’ve apologized for getting angry with her but she won’t acknowledge it. Becauser in het mind she’s done nothing wrong. I-did-it, I’m going to look at the times of the groups. I’m willing to give it another try.

[lizbeth4]

So my Sister just called and said she is coming on Friday for the weekend. She just started talking to my Mom again after 6 Months because of my Mom’s outburst. I filled her in about what’s going on. She is staying with me. She said she’s going to the casino while she s here. She knows of my problem. I told her I wasn’t going. She’s going to try and get my Mom and me back together??? I’m not ready to participate.

[i-did-it]

Lisbeth, do what’s right for you.
When we are hurt it is difficult to participate – and for most people others do have the power to hurt us- especially people we expect we can trust – unless like your mum, we shut down emotionally. For me I would rather be a warm and loving person ( which leaves us exposed to feeling hurt when Others hurt us ) than closed down. You feel hurt because you are a warm person Lizbeth with a great capacity to love.

I believe emotionally shut down people simply don’t feel enough to understand that they may be wrong – they just don’t have that capacity . In many ways they are to be pitied more that blamed .

However , it may be that the sooner this is sorted the better you feel . Well done on saying no that that casino . Xx

[kathryn]

I’m sorry for everything you went through as a child. These things change us as people, and being a little person is even worse, not being able to understand things like an adult could.
I was not abused as a child, so what I imagine is proboably a 1000th of how you feel, I won’t pretend I know.
What I want to say is that the only person that can make you happy is you. If that means no Christmas with your family, do it. It’s ok to not want to deal with it all.
I don’t know what to say about your Mum. No words.
Lizbeth, you have turned out to be a beautiful, kind, caring,
Compassionate woman.
You did that! No one else!!!
Don’t let anyone change who you are.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Kathryn for your posts! I feel.supported and loved! I’ve awoken early as Wednesdays are when I call my Grandson, before school. I don’t know about Xmas? When my oldest Daughter and her boyfriend came after Thanksgiving, they were rude and disrespectful. Really, i dont know why they want to come. This weekend with my Sister here, I am just going with it. I will be ok if I’m not included at my Mom’s house. I’ve been having anxiety attacks. To the extent that my throat closes up and I have intense stomach issues. I don’t want to go on medications so I’ve been using relaxation techniques. Sometimes it doesn’t help. I-did-it, Thanks for mentioning my love for my Grandchildren. I do love them with all of my heart! They are the innocents in all of this mess.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Liz, good to see the support you are getting here. No wonder you have added counseling to the mix. Lots going on with family. You have many bright spots at the moment, your grandchildren, and your youngest daughter seems to be doing well and there was a time she was having issues. Not to mention you keep challenging yourself to grow and change.
Maybe use the quiet times when your sister is out at your moms or the casino to regroup, meditate and relax.
Have a good day Liz! -L

[i-did-it]

In work so just time for a quick post .
Lizbeth often I have written that we don’t get to know the people on here but sometimes maybe we get to know them better than in real life .
I can for examples see the absolute love you have for your grandchildren – and you children for that matter.
We don’t always like our family but that doesn’t mean we don’t love them.
This new thread was a great idea !
It feels like a new start for you !

[lizbeth4]

Good morning Laura and i-did-it. I’m glad I started the new thread. I didn’t talk to my Grandson this morning as my Daughter didn’t answer her cell. I will try again tomorrow. My youngest Daughter is doing great. I’m so proud of her. She is working more hours now, so I take care of my Granddaughter 4 days a week. I’m looking forward to all of the adventures we are going to have. I love my family but I have friends that I love like family and like them too! LOL! I wonder if sometimes I take everything personally with my family, like I make a bigger deal than intended. I’m usually on pins and needles with them and waiting for the worse! I’m straightening the house and later will get ready for the Xmas party. No gambling urges. That’s very significant for me. Have a great day everyone.

[lizbeth4]

Good morning Laura and i-did-it. I’m glad I started the new thread. I didn’t talk to my Grandson this morning as my Daughter didn’t answer her cell. I will try again tomorrow. My youngest Daughter is doing great. I’m so proud of her. She is working more hours now, so I take care of my Granddaughter 4 days a week. I’m looking forward to all of the adventures we are going to have. I love my family but I have friends that I love like family and like them too! LOL! I wonder if sometimes I take everything personally with my family, like I make a bigger deal than intended. I’m usually on pins and needles with them and waiting for the worse! I’m straightening the house and later will get ready for the Xmas party. No gambling urges. That’s very significant for me. Have a great day everyone.

[finding_laura]

lol! I guess it’s true what they say, we can’t pick our family! I wonder sometimes if I’m a little hyper sensitive to disturbances in the “force” lol. Always wanting to make sure there is no fuss. Wanting to be ready to smooth ruffled feathers. But I’m trying to let others wear their own behaviour. I’m not responsible for how they behave. No gambling urges Liz, awesome!

[lizbeth4]

Hey Laura, I’m a people pleaser but I’ve been working on that for a couple of years. It’s not going over well with me saying no and following through with certain family members. Oh well! I was the scape goat also. But no more! I was very shy and a introvert as a child. I was easily led as a young adult which caused many problems for me. Your right, we aren’t responsible for anyone else’s behavior. My Mom said I lie about everything when we had our blow out. No, I told the truth and it was too much for her. I’m done smoothing things over. If she never talks to me again, I will have to except that. My other stressor, my oldest Daughter has been playing me because she knows how much I hurt when she keeps my Grandson away from me. I can’t change what she s doing but I can stop playing the game! Repeated unanswered phone calls, telling my Grandson bad things about me. Yes, he tells me as he knows what his Mother is doing is wrong. So pathetic! I can back off. My Grandson knows I love him even if we don’t talk for awhile. She also throws my gambling addiction in my face. She is a recovering drug addict and a alcoholic. I’ve never ever said anything negative about her addictions. I’m refusing to having anxiety attacks and insomnia which could affect my health. I have to love myself enough to refuse that kind of mean treatment. Life is too short! I’m working on me! I’m going back to church on Sunday. I need to be around positive people and fellowship. My friend of 29 years is coming for a visit next month. I’m very excited. I’ve been lax on my exercising as I am babysitting 4 days a week but I can start walking again and using my exercise videos. I need to do for me now! No gambling! Makes me happy.

[finding_laura]

So much going on but you are dealing with it differently. Maybe that’s what is helping with the urges. Isn’t hurting I dare say. Enjoy church. And I’m excited for you. Good long time friends can be hard to come by and even harder to keep. I’m happy for you Liz. It seems to me you are dealing with this all pretty sensibly. Have a good gamble free day!
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura. I wrote a long comment earlier but it didn’t post???? So I’ll just say that I’m trudging along. It’s very cold and windy here. Staying inside where it’s warm. No gambling for me.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
Great post – we aren’t responsible for anyone else’s behaviour – but it can still hurt us ! There is never any need to drag children into adult arguments or to use them as a pawns.
Your life seems to be going really well despite your daugher’s behaviour- going to church lifts our spirits and it is great to see old friends . Loving ourselves is easy when life is going well but harder when there are bumps along the way – keep strong !

[p]

Well done on starting your new thread, i am glad you started one and didnt leave.
I dont want anyone to leave ever!! haha, the little community we have here has to stay together.
I am sorry to hear of all the thigns going on with the family. This thing with your mum has been going on a long time with her being abusive. Its awful for you to go through.
Wonderful to hear you are with the grand baby..
I hope all sorts itself out ok soon. Good thing is Lizbeth you are not resorting to gambling.. stay safe

P

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and P for your posts. A lot has transpired in a day. My Mother called and apologized. I accepted and I am putting up my boundaries stronger than before. I will leave and not argue with her. I am not going to her house a lot. I am not going to ever get what I need from her. I accept that and I love her. I don’t want regrets or guilt when she passes. My Sister is leaving in the morning. We’ve had fun playing cards and eating and talking. She bought my Granddaughter 8 new winter outfits. So adorable! I am grateful for the healthy relationships I have !!!!!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth, people are recognising your new boundaries.
Well done to your mum- maybe she is thinking about stuff differently too.
What a great sister – my younger sister is my best friend, so I get it .
You sound so positive – others will soon recognise the boundaries – it’s true if we don’t love ourselves enough – I guess other notice and treat us how we expect .
Well done !

[p]

Well done on those boundaries… they are the hardest things sometimes to put in place but can sound so simple
You are doing really well, stay with the gamble free road and stay close to those who are good to you. You deserve good Lizbeth you are so good to all those around you

P

[lizbeth4]

Thanks p for your post! I haven’t been gamble free. I gambled today, big time! I’ve done damage both monetary and to myself. Can’t believe it!!!! I’m so hating myself right now. I’ll be digging out of this one for awhile. Things were moving along and I decided to screw it all up. I’m feeling empty, despair and failure. If people that knew me really knew the real me, they would be shocked. I wonder how many of them would want any kind of relationship with me. I feel pathetic and useless. I don’t why I keep sabotaging my life. Will I ever be free of this demon? I’m drained, so tired.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth, really sorry to hear you slipped up and gambled…….but it happens and I have done it 100s of times so please dont beat yourself up about it, we cannot change what we have done……and boy at times I am sure we have both searched hard for that time machine!, you must take the positives from this my friend it will make you a better person, I know right now there doesnt seem any positives but everything happens for a reason and in the end it makes stronger and the people we are today.

I am really glad you had some nice time with your sister you sounded like you really enjoyed it and also sorry to hear of your ongoing struggle with your mother, I have a sister (she disowned me along time ago but thats another stroy) and I have a brother who I see when he wants or needs something……..but hey I suppose I could make the effort sometime, its the classisc really “you can choose your friends but not your family” come to think of it I dont have many of either!

Keep fighting Lizbeth my friend and will always wish you well……I have to get back to work and earn some money, I have the flu…….not a cold yes defo the flu lol, but couldnt afford not to go to work…….If I never had found gambling 27 years ago I could probably be retired at my tender age of 41 lol……..but hey we do what we do and just for today I woke up this morning breathing and I thank God for that.

Hope this finds you well.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick! I needed to see you post this morning. I am going to go to the casino this week and see if I can ban myself. I had been told that I couldn’t here but someone told me recently that she had. It’s worth a try. I’m still upset with myself. I can dig out but I will have to be real diligent about it. Why do I impose such pain and worry on myself? I’m getting ready for my Granddaughter to come over. My ray of sunshine! I want things to be different. I need to really work on this !

[finding_laura]

Your addiction or compulsion knows you are making progress. That you are doing things differently. That things are changing. Imagine an apology from your mother. Seeing a counselor. It is crafty this disease. It is pushing all your buttons! A black thing that is under attack and knows its losing. Maybe call the casino and speak with a manager or someone who should know if you can ban. That way you don’t have to set foot on the premises until you know it is for an appointment to ban. I’m glad you aren’t giving up Liz. It always amazes me the strength some people possess. You are one of those people. I hope you are enjoying your little ray of sunshine. Big hugs Liz. See if you can tie up some money too!
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura. I will call the casino. I think the office is across the street where I can ban myself. My precious Granddaughter is crawling and babbling. She is helping me to keep it together right now. The apology from my Mom was nice. Although things haven’t really changed between us it was like a new chapter. I can have a distant relationship with her and not feel bad about it any more. It was good to see my Sister but I gambled with her. I think my Mom and Sister are CG’s also. So today I am going to try to forgive myself and put the ban in place and be grateful for the things I have.

[finding_laura]

How difficult it must be when gambling forms a bonding activity in the family. I’m lucky in that sense. No one in my family gambles. My husband used to very occasionally. Now if he does it is almost non exsistant. His time and money are accounted for. I can see not wanting to dissapoint the visiting sister and breaking up the family get together. But if you are banned you will have no choice ?? They can gamble without you or maybe find another activity they can do with you. All the best with the ban. Don’t be too hard on your self.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, Thanks for your continued support! My parents introduced me to gambling. Way back when I was 21 years old. My gambling didn’t become a issue till all of the Indian casinos started popping up. I had to travel to Nevada before that, so I didn’t gamble much. I called the casino. The tribal office is across the street from the casino. As they close at 5pm, I will be heading over there on Friday when I’m not babysitting. I also need to clean up my money mess. Thankfully, I will be able to do that next month. I will tell my family no more casino. They can go without me! Feeling a little bit more optimistic.

[p]

Lizbeth i am so pleased you are going to ban.. well done.
Dont beat yourself up too much about this slip. If you can get back on the horse now thats great and just continue on now you can only learn from it.
Youve been under a lot of stress, i have had to look at different ways of dealing with stress, i found a meditation app so i have been trying that , you just play one and lay down and shut your eyes and listen to a guided one its great… anything that helps.

P

[lizbeth4]

Thanks p. I do meditate and use relaxation techniques. It helps alot. Baby is sleeping and I am having a cup of hot tea! I’m going to be ok. The intensity I felt this time gambling was very scary for me! I think it woke me up. Something inside of me said you need to stop this now! Banning will help a lot. Like I’ve said before, I am in a rural area where I’d have to drive a long distance to gamble. More boundaries !!!!

[lizbeth4]

So, my Daughter has picked up the baby and I’ve finished my dinner (salad). I’m reflecting on my gambling episode and all of the feelings associated with it. I didn’t enjoy it and in the end I kept chasing the losses until I had the worse feeling in the pit of my stomach. All the while trying to act normal. I kept looking around and no one looked happy. So sad! I didn’t sleep well that night. I took some over the counter sleeping aid to sleep last night. I took a quick nap today while my Granddaughter slept. I want next year to be so different. No gambling, working on myself, doing things I enjoy. It’s a new start!

[finding_laura]

Sounds like a good plan Liz ?? Both banning and the plan after wards for a new start. I noticed the same Liz. When I went back out there. It tended to be the same people that were there, CG’s like me. And rarely did one look happy unless they were fooling themselves about their wins! Have a good day!
Laura

[Monica1]

So sorry to hear that you have gambled with the usual impact for a CG. Are you aware what triggered it? I have been through many stops and starts so know how this can happen. What was different for me this time, aside from the total destruction it caused, was that I realised there is never never any excuse or reason to wake the sleeping monster lurking in the corner. No matter what we are going through waking up the monster will only make things worse. I so know this and I know that feeling in the pit my stomach when we chase and it just takes. I think they are programmed todo this, seen it so many times. It’s like a light switches on, Cg here, just take! Good luck Liz, it was a blip, that’s all. We never win, never can.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! I did more damage than I first anticipated. I am headed for the city mid morning to sell a few of my possessions. These are things that have no sentimental value to me. I can’t believe that I’m at this place again. This isnt the real me, someone who disregards the value of money and who doesnt have any self respect. I feel the lowest I’ve felt in a long long time. The stress takes a toll both physically and mentally. I was hoping to go to sleep and not wake up! Yes, I said it! How selfish is that? I only have this site and my friends here to turn to. I feel like the counsellor sessions aren’t helping. I pray everyday for the strength to get through this and to not want to gamble again. My little Granddaughter is sick with a viral infection. She was in the ER with a high temperature and at the Dr’s office yesterday to be checked again. It has to run it’s course. I’ve been present for my Daughter and Granddaughter. The one thing I’m grateful for right now!!! So, today i will do what I need to do and try to dig out of my hole a little. I’m going to try not to stay stuck in a deep depression. I’m going to try and like myself.

[Monica1]

Yes, we lose track of how much we spend, done that so many times and familiar with that feeling of not wanting to wake up as well. How many counselling sessions have you had and was there something in that which triggered the last session? If the sessions are not working, can you change counsellor? I had two lots of counselling sessions that didn’t work at all and I should have asked to change counsellor but was too concerned about the counsellors feelings. Sometimes they just don’t work and go round in circles. Sometimes the counsellor doesn’t have the life experience To get us or don’t understand the cg unless a gambling or addictions trained counsellor.
Well done for being there for your granddaughter and hope she gets better soon. The little ones can scare us with how sick they can get but they do bounce back just as quickly.
As well as self banning, was this a family visit to the casino? Do your family know how serious this addiction is? And that you are a compulsive gambler and should never set foot in a casino? Is there someone who could help you limit your access to money, or have a prepaid debit card with an allowance that makes it difficult for you to gamble?
In my five and a half year addiction, my family ie my grown up children have only recently begun to understand how serious and life threatening this addiction is. And they are now supportive. It literally has taken until I am the verge of suicide for them to get it. Do your family get it Liz?
You will get through And over this Liz and it really is one day at a time.

[Monkey15]

As I have read through your thread, I see and hear many emotions and feelings that have me nodding my head in agreement. I stopped gambling 53 days ago only because I did not have access to funds, there was no more available to me. So when members on this site say to remove access to funds, I totally get that now…my brain doesn’t let me get so many urges now as I know there is no money to gamble with.

This admire your honesty and I think this place is a safe and non judgemental place to be so. So, climb back on that horse and start again. The fact that you are here and writing shows me you want to stop.

We are all here for you, together.

Warm regards from NZ

Tina

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau and Tina for your posts! You’ve both given me a lot of good advice. My trip to the city didn’t go well. My items (which are prized by myself) didn’t fetch much money. In fact, some of them I wouldn’t sell that cheap. I came home feeling a bit defeated! My banning happens tomorrow. I’m ready to do this. My counseling here in a rural area is very limited. I am going to change counselors as I don’t think that I am meshing with my current one. Oh, my family knows I’m a CG. They are too! I’ve made my addiction clear to them but they don’t get it. Monicau, I just got a prepaid debit card. I’m going to have to figure my monetary access out myself. I don’t have anyone to trust with that. I’m going to have to dig myself out. My finances were not the best before this. I’ve consolidated my credit card debt. I am making payments on overdue taxes. I’ve created a big mess for myself. And to think that almost 5 years ago, after my Husband’s death, I was debt free. I spent and spent the money I inherited. I did purchase my home and car and helped my oldest Daughter with a down payment. I spent till it was gone. When the money ran out, I charged up my credit cards. So my compulsions run deep. One thing that I don’t regret are the trips I took my Grandson on. I have all of those memories. My late Husband went to his grave with the belief that I would be taken care of monetarily. I am such a big disappointment. At this point, almost all of my monthly pension is going out on payments. It’s going to take me 4 years to become debt free. I need to stop this so I can stay debt free! I am thinking of getting a part time job but they are limited here and my Daughter can’t afford a babysitter. Maybe, I should put a ad in the local newspaper to watch another child in my home???????? I feel so much pressure and unrest. Good news: my Granddaughter is feeling better. She is eating better and her fever is under control. It felt good writing this, although it is long! Being honest is freeing.

[lizbeth4]

PS: The grass always looks greener! We never know what’s really going on with someone else. People only show us what they want us to see.

[Monica1]

Looks like you are doing the right things. Like you, I squandered a huge amount of money on gambling. I now see a common theme amongst women escape CGs and that is unsupported grief and loss as the initial trigger. It is hard not to feel guilt and a deep regret over the money we lost. I know that your husband would not be judging you and you haven’t let him down in any way. We judge ourselves way too much. As my son said, the best thing we can now do is to get our lives back on track and that means not gambling. I don’t want that destruction in my life any more. I don’t think you do either. I think we are about the same age. My addiction lasted five and a half years and has left me almost destitute still after four months. That is all it will ever do.
In respect of the debts, these can weigh us down. Over the years these did for me, and every relapse I would lose thousands. But the choice is either bankruptcy or pay them off. Mine would have taken huge monthly sums over five years. Have you had debt counselling? There may be other options that would not involve you losing your home.
I am pleased your granddaughter is getting better.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! I’m currently on a debt management repayment plan for my credit cards and a monthly repayment plan for my taxes. With these and My monthly living bills, I have little money left. When I gamble, I do a lot of damage. I need to find a way to bring more income. My family has no clue and are in no position to help me. I would get judged and it would be something else to hold against me! Sad! It’s lonely and scary feeling. Until you live it, you never know how devastating it can be. I’m going to implement the things I mentioned in my previous post and keep moving forward. That’s all I can do.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Liz. Like most of us with this compulsion I kept blinders on while I had money to support my gambling. I didn’t feel the full pain of it until I hit the end of my money and credit. I did try and fight it here and there but it was difficult. I hope you are able to sort something out with your finances, as far as having easy access. Where there is a will there is a way. I have faith you will figure something out to put more barriers between you and your money. A change in counselor if possible sounds like a good plan as well. As difficult as this can be please don’t give up on your recovery Liz. Monica is giving some good advice re the debts. There may be something you can do to save yourself some of the crippling interest credit cards charge. I hate thinking of you having to sell off treasured possessions! Get through the holidays and then maybe look at credit counseling to see if there is other ways. Keep enjoying the good things like your lovely little granddaughter. Stay strong Liz!
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura, I’ve made some calls regarding my debts. I will be receiving call backs next week. It’s a sobering experience. I banned this morning. Yeah! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was very humbling to know that I can be arrested for trespassing. I will have to tell my family as they like to eat at the casino from time to time. I feel free and I am going to be totally honest with them even if they judge me! I’ve decided to post some items for sale online. I need to live beneath my means for awhile. I have to remember to take care of myself first as I use generosity to make others happy. I’m also going to apply online for a few jobs in town. It won’t hurt. I’m willing to work the night shift. I will post in the newspaper for babysitting and elder care jobs also. Maybe I can work around watching my Granddaughter. Different ideas are running through my head. At least I’m not giving in!!!! I’m fighting for a gamble free life!

[Anonymous]

Such a positive post Liz, really nice to read ??

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Geordie. I’m having a lot of different feelings right now. My emotions are all over the place. I want to just stay under the covers today but I took a shower and got dressed. I’m doing a few things around the house. I’m figuring ways to get on top of this money mess. Hopefully, I will be able to work out some things when I get my call backs next week. I paid off my cell phone, so of course it is acting up. I had to delete and reinstall my apps. It’s still not acting right. As long as I can call out and receive calls that’s all that matters. I can not afford a new phone right now! My brain! Too much thinking.

[finding_laura]

That is a big accomplishment Liz!! OMG well done. I know Kathryn will give a great big thumbs up when she reads. Banning is a pretty good barrier to keep you out! You are a very resourceful person Liz. You will get through this. If I was there I’d give your hand a good squeeze. Here’s to better days ahead. You are all healthy and that is a great blessing to *****. Have a good night Liz. Oh, and I hope it feels good to know you just gave our addiction a good kick square you know where. Take care,
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura! I really don’t know how I would get through this without the support I’ve received here. I know better days are on the way! I will get through this. I’m willing to do the hard work. I can go without buying things and I can keep my living costs to a minimum. You can be very resourceful when you have to be. I have to look at the positives and be grateful. I’ve taken care of my health since my heart attack 6 years ago. I’m in great health. My kids and Grandkids are healthy. I have a comfortable house and many things I take for granted. Today I am grateful that I’m not gambling. Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

This morning I woke to a text my oldest Daughter sent during the night. She stated that she was making Xmas dinner at my house and I was buying everything. Firstly, it’s all foods that she likes. Also, she s coming up early and wants dinner early. I replied that I’ve already planned the menu, the time for dinner. And I don’t want to deal with stress that day!! No replies. The positive this morning was Geordies post on his thread. It was so positive. It gave me the hope that I can stay gamble free.

[lizbeth4]

I asked my Daughter not to come for Xmas if she plans on brings demands and causing stress for the family. It was so hard to do because it would mean that my sweet Grandson won’t be here. No reply. I had to stand my ground. I feel like standing my ground and setting boundaries is part of my recovery. I am putting my recovery first! I can’t let anything or anyone stand in my way of recovery or trigger it. I really feel that if I fail this time in my recovery, I will be lost in it and never recover. I still have hope and faith that I can overcome my addiction, get out of debt and relieve a lot of my stressors. I’m dedicated to my recovery more than ever before. In fact, there is no question in my mind that now is the time for complete surrender to recovery.

[lizbeth4]

So the texts started flying. Many mean and vile things said to me. I’ve had it! Obviously, there is alcohol or something else involved. I’m drained! No gambling. Thank goodness I have access to little money and I don’t have the energy. I lose in all of this with not seeing my Grandson. I will have to deal with it.

[Monica1]

I think you’re right for standing your ground. I find her behaviour very bizarre. No one in my family would ever make such demands or act up in this way. Other issues but we all have respect for each other. Where is she getting it from and why does she feel the need to walk all over you? Cos that’s what it sounds like. Will she compromise in anyway? I am glad that you are putting your recovery first. You need to tell her that. The emotionals from family are always upsetting. We have to let go and that is hard. My only gratification is that cycles of emotional and other types of abuse that have been presentinmylifeup to around ten years ago have not manifested in the next generation ie my grandkids. I hope that things will peacefully resolve Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, Thanks for your post! I hope we can compromise. She said not to bother her anymore. Ok? Other family drama has occurred today and I’m home minding my own business. I’m not answering the phone or texts the rest of the day. LOL! The sadness of this is my Grandson. That breaks my heart. For today, I will respect myself and not gamble. I will put my recovery first.

[Anonymous]

Not nice concerning your grandson and disgusting treatment you’re on the end of.

Gambling will change nothing, I doubt it would even be an escape Liz.

You’ve dealt with worse than this over the last few years, and you know you can cope without gambling.

I know there is only so many times you can ***** to ten.

Go and get yourself a big slice of cake and a coffee Liz

Take care, keep standing tall.

[i-did-it]

Hi Liz ,
It will take your daughter a period of re- adjustment to the fact she cannot use her son like a pawn, but she will get there .
Well done on sticking to your Christmas plans .
Also self banning from the casino is such a huge thing to do – well done – what freedom this will give you.
Despite any slips you may have had you are a woman in recovery – the changes in you, in how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you are remarkable .
Keep working that recovery Liz

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Geordie and i-did-it for your posts! I’m sick today. A bad cold. Bummer! My Daughter and I came to a compromise. I did it to keep the peace and to see my Grandson. I have been working about how I am going to make my bills next month. I never learn! I’ve decided which ones I can put off but it still won’t cover everything. I have no more credit and a few of the companies I’ve contacted won’t work with me. So, I’m figuring out my finances while feeling like poo. I can get out of this in 2 months but it’s going to be really hard. I thought about ending last night. Yes I’ve said it again. I just can’t leave my Grandbabies like that. I have no one who is close to me to turn to. Please pray for me!!!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth , when I am actively gambling I get those thoughts – I am not sure why – because for me it’s not something I ever considered as a possibility . I think maybe it’s something gambling triggers in our brains .

You have barred from that casino – think carefully – is there any other avenue to gamble your have left over- any door ? Close it tightly like Geordie says – make it impossible to gamble and then start your four year repayment plan- you never know what life will send your way .

So long as you are happy with the compromise Lizbeth- that’s all that’s important .
Families are difficult and we all have to compromise I guess at family times -for example I am cooking what I consider two junk food items at my Xmas dinner because they have always been part of Xmas for my inlaws ?!??? Lol
I think taking in another child is a superb idea or how about instead of having them the whole day you maybe take two for after school? – they will be older , require less work and u pick them up when school ends. Who knows this could develop into a business your daughters could run with you?

There are so many opportunities in life – sometimes we just need to grab them.
You will be ok Lizbeth – u have your head screwed on – u make good decisions!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
it takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you are doing. I can only hope your daughter will come around and not keep your grandson from you. I’ve seen my nephew used as a pawn occasionally over the years against my mom. It makes one feel like they are walking on eggshells around the person all the time for fear of the child paying the price. It’s like you are being held hostage. Deep breaths! Keep working through this. You are so worth it! No self destruct. And you can’t go to the casino! Have as stress free a day as possible. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Laura! I am so grateful that I have your support. I can use all of the support I can get! My Daughter is sick also. The baby is feeling better. My Mother is well so she is watching the baby. I’m resting. I’ve thought about suicide but then someone has to find me. Probably my Daughter and I can’t do that to her. Out of everyone my Grandson would be so devastated. That’s what is stopping me. It would be a easy out. My oldest Daughter text and she is buying and preparing the Xmas dinner. We’ve called a truce. I’m still worrying about my finances. I have a call to make on Monday to see if a creditor will revise my payment. It’s worth asking. The worse scenarios: overdraft fees, potential loss of checking account. All of my automatic payments should be fine, somethings I can live without for a month. I should be out of credit card debt in 3 years but if I don’t pay my monthly payment, they can sue me It is what it is! I’m going to figure out something. My daily quote is, “Keep going.” I have no money to gamble with, no cards, ect… So today I will not gamble!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post on my thread. I’ve thought of you too and prayed for your situation to change. Bankruptcy will be my last resort. The creditors here are very aggressive. They swoop in and take anything of value. I have some assets that although they could help me in my situation, they could adversely change someone else’s life. A long story. So I’m going to dig out. I may take i-did-it advice and try to find some kids to watch after school and during school breaks. That would bring in a little extra money. My Daughter and I have the flu. I couldn’t barely get out of bed till today. My Mother has watched the baby but I think she’s through. I’m going to take a long hot shower and keep drinking fluids. I’m a little better. I can watch her tomorrow. Monicau, Thanks for supporting me! You’re a compassionate person.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
Sorry to hear about your flu- it seems flus are getting so much worse nowadays.
Hope you feel lots better tomorrow and I love ur positive way you are approaching life

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. I’m feeling a little better today. I haven’t ate for 3 days. I’m going to try some soup later. I-did-it, I’m trying to stay positive. It’s kind of hard sometimes. Tomorrow is my birthday, the big 60. I don’t feel like celebrating. Still trying to figure out how to pay bills next month, but that’s next month.

[Monica1]

Hope your flu is starting to go and getting well has to be your priority. Now chicken soup has sustained me thus far so I suggest you get some down you. Many happy returns, are you a fellow sagitarian or are you on the cusp of Capricorn? There is just a few weeks between us in age Liz.
I get what you are saying if you have assets. I have absolutely,nothing,to take. That is for a lifetime of hard,work. I own nothing at all. So,you have done far better than me! I hope you feel,better soon Liz.

[finding_laura]

Glad you are starting to feel better Liz. Nothing like knocking you down right before Christmas. It’s good that your daughter is going to take charge of supper. The money worries are the worst. I repeatedly lost money that would have made life bearable. It’s a shock when the “fun” is over and there is nothing left. After Christmas you can tighten your belt and look at some possibilities to bring payments down and your income up. You’ve stopped the bleeding. There isn’t any more money going out. With the ban in place you won’t go back. You gave yourself the best Christmas gift. Rest up. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau and Laura for your posts! Monicau, no chicken soup for me. September 4th, I stopped eating chicken, pork and beef. I still eat dairy, eggs. I’ve lost 16 lbs so far. I’m a saggitaurus. My Mother’s bday is the day after mine. You would think we’d be kindred spirits but we are opposites. I feel better. I’m just resting. Laura, I’m grateful that my Daughter is providing the dinner. My youngest Daughter is buying the pies and dinner rolls. I’ve already contacted creditors, some will work with me, others don’t want to. It is what it is. I have to keep believing that it’s going to be ok and face some consequences for my actions. I’m sleeping in my Xmas sweatshirt, trying to get in the Xmas spirit. Sometimes I feel so pathetic. I’ve blown so much money not just on gambling but compulsive shopping. Wouldn’t it be great if you could look into a crystal ball and view your life? You could change behaviors and actions and really appreciate the people who are going on to the afterlife. Just a thought. After Xmas, I’m going to see if I can increase my income. I live in a town of 12,000 people. Babysitting and elder care are probably going to be my options. I’ll do whatever it takes.

[Monica1]

Good to see you post. When we have the flu, need to avoid dairy as it increases mucous. Nice lol but true. Yes, funnily enough I was just thinking this a couple of days ago re the crystal ball thing. There are about Four or five key points in my life and I would absolutely change my decision and direction of travel. Sometimes it is only with the benefit of far hindsight where we see crucial life change points and I always seem to have made the wrong decision. All this my way stuff and no regrets a lot of people say, I would 100 per cent change some things. But not my children, love them. It will be ok with your creditors Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! I have a couple crucial times in my life where I wish that I could go back and change the decisions I made. A big one is not having children with my Husband. He had 1 daughter and I had 2 daughters. He wanted a child together but I didn’t. It is something I’ve always regretted. But we can’t change the past! Even though there is a lot of dysfunction in My family, I love them. Especially My girls and Grandbabies. My birthday was spent resting. For some reason, I’m feeling worse today. My girls both gave me birthday wishes. Monicau, thanks for being positive about my creditors. Right now, there are 2 that aren’t willing to work with me. I don’t know if I can fulfill their demands. I can only do what I can do. I really think this was a great lesson for me. I don’t want to be in this position again.

[i-did-it]

Happy belated birthday Lisbeth.
I hope you had a really lovely day.
I would make many changes in my life too if I could go back – strangely I never think of gambling when I think of changes I would make – I think other choices led to my gambling.
It is good that most of your creditors wi work with you – I don’t see That the others have much choice- maybe ask to speak to their managers .
I like your attitude Lizbeth – extra work will help a lot with those financial worries .
Keep strong !

[kathryn]

I hope you enjoyed your birthday in some small way…..cake perhaps????
I also hope you are feeling better, I feel like the colds/flu are terrible, last time I had one I was at work and had to work in surgery, my nose was like a running tap, I had to stuff a dental roll up each nostril under my mask!!! Not pretty lol
So Christmas, I do hope you have a lovely day. I tend to forget that not everyone is looking forward to it, I love it so much ( well it wasn’t great when I was gambling) but my childhood memories were just wonderful and I hang onto that every year!
My bestie is going through the most awful time at the moment, she has a 9 and 10 year old, money isn’t an issue, thankfully but I don’t know how to help her I love her like a sister and she doesn’t deserve what is happening to her, the fact that it’s christmas just makes it worse.
I’m trying to hold her up, but I don’t feel like I’m doing much of a job and we go away Christmas Day and I’m leaving her in her mess, it’s just awful.
Anyways, that was a little babble right there!!!
Again, sending you Christmas blessings my friend.
Love K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Kathryn for your posts! No cake yesterday, can barely eat! I-did-it, I’m getting threats of being sued in small claims court by 1 creditor. I can only do what I can do. Kathryn, I’m sure your friend appreciates your support. Sometimes just having someone just listen to you helps. I just want to be around my family at Xmas and enjoy the Grandkids. I’m feeling about the same. I have to muster up some strength to accomplish a few things today!

[vera]

Congratulations, Lizbeth on your 60th birthday( The new 40!)
Age makes little difference, Lizbeth. It is Peace with our Creator and Health that really c ount.
I was away from GT for weeks. Like you, the “flu” gripped me. Knocked me for six. All I remember of the fist week was lying in agony (throat, ears -even gums and jaws) waiting for the next dose of pain killers to be due.
Strange, when you are away from an online group , how everyone and everything seems to fade into oblivion. I guess it’s different when we are dealing face to face with people, but I seem to have become very distant from “real” people, too. We come to a stage in life when our priorities shift and self preservation takes priority-a type of regression to childhood, perhaps.
You and one or two others here were on my mind when I was ill, Lizbeth and when I caught up on your thread, I now know why.
I have been in your position often, Liz i e “broke at Christmas”. I used methods that would not be orthodox, to cover my tracks/relieve my anxiety/financial stress to tide me over. I used my son’s Credit Union shares often to obtain loans ( explaining that it was for Christmas presents-which was an indirect lie). Did likewise with my husband’s C.U. shares. That would be my Plan B and usually came AFTER I had taken out a couple of “high Interest” loans (which I usually gambled). Could I cope with that madness again? No! It would kill me!!
Lizbeth, I’m not suggesting for one minute that you follow my appalling example, but I want to highlight that it’s not worth stressing ourselves to the gills over money.
It comes and goes. Do what you need to do to get through Christmas.
The only way we make “real” money is to earn it….I went back to working 12 hour shifts at age 52 BUT I was in the throes of gambling then, and the income helped me to further self destruct. Working from home sounds ideal. My sister has looked after babies/children all her married life. Cash in hand is very tempting but for a CG it can be lethal. Also there are insurance/health and safety and police clearance issues to be dealt with so not as straightforward these days as it used to be.
Would you consider renting a room? A friend of mine walks dogs would you believe, for dog owners who can no longer walk theirs and there is money to be made there also babysitting in a child’s own home or sitting with elderly people to give carers a break or working as a full time carer are much needed services.
I pray for you every day, Lizbeth.
I know how life has been a struggle for you. I have my own issues with my son. I haven’t seen him for 14 months. We are working ( my other son and I ) on having him home for Christmas but NOT on his past T & Cs . (His record has been atrocious and I always came out the worst end)
Not this year, Lizbeth. We have to learn to take back our power from people who hurt us or scapegoat us.
Like gambling, we only become powerless when we give that power away.
I know you are coming to that realization too, Lizbeth.
The “hurt” is in us, not in the external situation but oh! boy! there are lots of people who supply the stimulus.
Our main, common objective on this Site is to refrain from gambling one day at a time.
The issues surrounding that common aim are often relevant but sometimes superfluous.
I wish you and yours a Peaceful Christmas. Nothing is perfect. I will go to GA tonight to remind myself that I am and always will be a CG who by God’s grace hasn’t gambled today.
May God’s Hand rest on your shoulder, Libeth and His Love surround you always.
You have my support and admiration .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera for your post! Sorry to hear that you’ve been sick. I’d wondered where you we’re? Or if you just wasn’t posting. You make a lot of valid and good points. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Thanks for your support and thoughts. It means a lot to me. I know what triggered my gambling episode. It was a painful experience that I can’t talk about here. I didn’t handle the situation right and decided to self destruct. Christmas will be fine. There are gifts for the kids and there will be plenty of food. I’ve never been a money person. I’ve had it and I’ve been poor also. My disregard for it though is not good. I need to relearn a lot. As soon as I get back on track, my savings start again. This time was different for me. Maybe because my birthday fell during my financial mess. I’m not getting younger. Good news: 1 of the creditors that didn’t want to work with me, called me and is going to add the missed payment back into the loan. A big relief! I am going to call the other creditor again next week. Going to rest!

[i-did-it]

Aw that’s great news Lisbeth – wait and see the other creditor will work with you too. I get what you mean about not valuing money – I think maybe if we put more value on it we might not get into the scrapes we do . For some reason , I (and I’m sure others with this addiction) value money far more when I don t have enough. When I have plenty I throw it away.

You are a good person – you deserve a peaceful Christmas – plenty of food and gifts bought means you will be able to enjoy it .
Enjoy your rest and take a break from worrying – give yourself Christmas off to enjoy how far you have come and. how much progress you have made – and especially those wonderful grandchildren.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your thoughtful post! I’ve done nothing all day. Feel about the same. I have to get stuff done tomorrow as my oldest Daughter and Grandson are coming on the 24th. I’ve been thinking as I was resting, this has to be the last time for this addiction to take me over. Things need to change. I need to change. More barriers, finding different ways to deal with stress. Things can be different. I need to make the effort and do the work.

[finding_laura]

you are worth the effort Liz!

We make the effort for everyone else. I’m sure you are looking forward to time with your grandson as you haven’t spent as much time with him lately. Christmas is for the little ones and for simple things like good food and togetherness. I hope you are feeling better soon and well enough to enjoy it. I’m sitting here with a head full of dye! I have a few more Christmas presents to wrap and some laundry to do and I will be totally ready for Christmas. Even taking things relatively easy makes for a busy time! Take care Liz!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post! I’m still not feeling well but I’ve managed to wrap the Grandkids presents and do laundry. I’m straightening the house and vacuuming today. I haven’t spent a lot of time with my Grandson lately. He recently had braces pur on and his 12th birthday is in 3 weeks! I can’t believe it! My Granddaughter is crawling well and is already trying to pull herself up and stand. Life keeps going on! When I had a lot of money, I still had the same problems but I used the money to buy things and do things to temporarily suspend my feelings. I never dealt with my issues. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have money than be broke. I will get on top again. This time will be different. Savings, savings, savings! Harder access to the money. Barriers.

[lizbeth4]

So yesterday I called the last creditor again. They said I’ve been late before so if they don’t receive a payment before the end of the month, they are going to sue me. Ok, I did a little research on the company and they do like to sue. They amount I owe them is under $1000. I can’t make a payment till the 2nd. So, there’s not much I can do. I’ve never been sued before so that is scary. I will have to deal with it! Lesson to be learned.

[i-did-it]

Lisbeth is the first a bank holiday where you live ?
Perhaps you could use that as an excuse .
Could u get an overdraft to cover that for a day ?
It seems a shame that one day will cause you so much grief .
Maybe you could pay a small amount now – a token perhaps ?
What a horrible company – another reason for us to stay gamble free – it’s puts us at the mercy of companies like this .

[lizbeth4]

This company were the only ones who wouldn’t get on my consolidate loan repayment plan! I’m still trying to figure out something.

[lizbeth4]

Ok, I found a solution. I borrowed the money and will pay the bill after Xmas as their office is closed. I had to swallow my pride. I have never asked for money from anyone. It was very humbling. It’s another lesson that I won’t forget.

[i-did-it]

Well done Lizbeth -I am so glad – now enjoy Christmas with your beautiful grandchildren .
Well done- it can be hard to ask for help especially financial help, but you have taken the brave steps you needed to .

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread Liz. I wish you a peaceful and happy Xmas. Incidentally, ihave been sued, whilst not verynice at the end of the day you can only oh what you can afford even in a Court, and you don’t have to attend either in the uk.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Monicau for your posts! Although it was hard to ask someone for help, they didn’t hesitate. Know I can relax and enjoy Xmas without that nagging worry in my head. I will see my Grandson tomorrow. Feeling a little better this evening. I really feel like I’ve learned some valuable lessons from my gambling episode. I don’t want to repeat any of this again!

[lizbeth4]

Everyone is still sleeping! Waiting for the kids to open their presents. There is a lot of food, pies, ect. My Grandson was very excited before going to bed. That’s what Xmas is all about. I can see clearly how gambling muddled my happiness, well being, self dignity. I hope everyone has a great day. Let’s look forward to a gamble free 2018!

[finding_laura]

Merry Christmas Liz!

Children really are what Christmas is about.

Our gambling actions add up to a lot of problems that will help no one. Our friends and family included. Clear sight and new lessons learned will definitely help to make 2018 gamble free. I hope you have an amazing day with your family xoxo

[lizbeth4]

Laura, I had a good day! My Grandkids had fun! My oldest Daughter made a amazing dinner. I think my Mom enjoyed herself. Yesterday was kind of shaky. My oldest Daughter talked very disrespectful to me in front of everyone. Calmly, I told her to never talk to me like that again. She stopped and was pleasant the rest of the time. I watched the baby while they took out the gocart! A present to my Grandson from my Daughter’s boyfriend. He rebuilt the whole thing and worked on it for months. My youngest Daughter said that he had a blast driving it! She sent me pics. He was so Happy! 2018 will be a gamble free year for me. That’s my goal!!!! I have so much more to live for.

[lizbeth4]

This morning I sent a money order to the 1 creditor. It will get there by Friday. I can’t be sued as I do have properties that can have liens placed upon them. I just have to keep my course. Stay strong and stay true to what I know is right. I can be out of credit card debt and tax debt in 30 Months. If I don’t gamble, falter. I cant make any more mistakes. Financial freedom! I can have savings and travel a little. That is my goal!!!! Today forward I feel like it’s going to be a better, stress free (not self imposed) life!!!! Feeling good!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth –
30 months isn’t so long – imagine being debt free- and all your income being just for you to spend how you wish! You can do do this.
Well done on your assertiveness- I am going to keep that line in mind .
Sounds like you had a pretty idyllic Christmas – so happy for you

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! My Christmas was good! I let go of my expectations and just went with it! 30 Months isn’t long to be debt free. I have to keep my goals in sight when the gambling urges arise. I talked to the last creditor this morning. They are willing to help me but I have to be 30 days behind in my payment (Jan 2nd) before they will set up a repayment plan. It’s all good! My credit is going to take another hit but that can be rebuilt too! Money will be tight for the next few months. I can cut back on things and not spend anything foolishly. I can do this!!! This morning when my sweet Granddaughter fell asleep in my arms, it was the best feeling. She loves her Nana. I want to be that good role model for my Grandkids. They love me unconditionally!

[lizbeth4]

I was thinking about my gambling addiction. I do put it on the same level as many other addictions. I’ve done it regardless of the consequences to myself and my family. When I am in the midst of it, really nothing else matters, even when I know it is wrong. I have a hero in my youngest Daughter. She was a drug addict all of her adult life, 14 plus years. She was told that she would never have children because of medical issues pertaining to her addiction. 19 Months clean and we have our miracle baby, my Granddaughter. She is working full time after never holding down a job. When I feel like giving in, I only have to look at her and know that anything can be done if you want it bad enough and you work hard enough.

[finding_laura]

It took us time to dig the hole and it usually takes time to climb out. You can do it Liz. 30 months Will go by quickly. And things may change such as improving your income. Both your daughter and yourself are examples of strength and the ability to change. Nothing is insurmountable.-Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thank you Laura for your positive post! I have to keep my eye on the prize, being debt free. I still have a cough. In fact, I went to bed very early last night and still feel like I could sleep another 8 hours. I’m waiting for my Daughter to bring the baby over on her way to work. I’m still mulling over making extra income. It can’t interfere with the days that I watch my Granddaughter. Jobs are limited here as it is a rural area. I’m thinking of advertising to run errands, grocery shop, ect. as a large number of our population is the elderly. I will figure something out. All I know is that I am gamble free for today. I plan on being gamble free tomorrow.

[finding_laura]

One day at a time Liz. If the basics are taken care of just be present and enjoy the day. Tomorrow is another day! The world is till in holiday mode ?? Maybe something will present itself in the new year. Enjoy that beautiful granddaughter! It sounds like she has been the start of a whole lot of inspiration. Take care of yourself Liz. I hope you shake that cold soon. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura, That’s it, living in the present! My tree and decorations stay up till after the 1st of January. I try to savor the last of Christmas. But the 1st brings in the new year with new hopes, dreams and plans!!!! One day at a time!

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling a little blah today! Not sure where the feelings are coming from. When it gets a little warmer this afternoon, I’m going to rake up the remaining leaves in the backyard. Keeping busy=getting through gambling urges!

[vera]

Raking leaves has been you salvation many times Lizbeth but it can be monotonous too. Do you ever go for a long walk? I like to put the earphones from my little “brick” phone in my ears and listen to music on the radio or a discussion . I helps me to keep walking. I only take short walks these days. Today, after I went to the Credit Union it was still semi bright so I walked along a footpath and around a housing estate listening to an interesting programme on “Grief”.
I know you have experienced the personal loss of your husband, Lizbeth and it will always be there. As CGs we all experienced huge losses and not only financial. We also have our consolations. Your grand daughter and grandson are your incentive for staying away from the casino. They will never know you as a “gambler” if you stick to your guns Lizbeth. I am no different than anyone else when it comes to recovery. I have had many “reasons/opportunities” to gamble over the past 2 years. Indeed, yesterday my son said he was going back to where he lives. He came first with me to the Credit Union. It was still closed for the Christmas holiday. I felt a panic rising inside me. Back to the “empty house syndrome”. An ideal excuse to take flight to the casino. “This was always my time of year for gambling”. “Nobody needs to know” . “I’ve served my time”- all these thoughts were spiking through my mind so I switched to the non gambling mindset that I have trained myself to develop. I asked my son to stay another night. He agreed. We went home and watched DVDs and ate for the night. The Credit Union business was completed today, so I’m off to a GA meeting now. It would be MUCH easier to drift into a casino and totally opt out. I did that too often. Stopped the world and stepped off but we always have to come back, Lizbeth. I don’t think I have another recovery in me. So I will keep the one I am presently dealing with, one day at a time.
I hope and pray you will do likewise.
I think there is something different about you this time, Liz.
Like me, you have had enough!
Thanks for posting to my Thread.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I don’t know what it is about raking leaves but I find it both therapeutic and annoying – as fast as one sweeps, the next lot are peering down and waiting for you to move on, ready to float down and fill the space you have cleared. I think we plod on in the hope that all the leaves will eventually come down and we can have a well earned rest!
Debt is a bit like those leaves but unlike those leaves, once they are cleared it is in ‘your’ power to never have to clear them up again. You and you alone hold the key to your future.
Thinking about you – I have loads of leaves still to clear but it is too cold and damp at the moment – or am I putting the job off?
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera and Velvet for your posts. I love to walk but it is cold and windy here now. I like to walk in the evenings but by the time my Daughter picks the baby up it’s already dark outside. Can’t wait for spring so I can take my Granddaughter for walks in the stroller. Vera, I am sick of gambling. I’m tired of it. I feel like something is different this time for me also. Velvet, all the leaves are off the trees. This will be my last clean up. I went and visited with my Mom and Daughter and Granddaughter this afternoon. We had lunch together. Something inside of me has changed towards my Mother. It’s like my anger is gone. I still have my boundaries up! I feel that when I turned 60 recently that a lot of things changed internally. I know the key to everything is in my hands. I have the power! I didn’t gamble today!

[i-did-it]

A great positive post Lisbeth- I guess we all have that power – it’s just maybe it takes us time to recognise it.
It made me feel happy to read your anger towards your mum is gone – perhaps you said what you needed to say – but more likely her apology has removed a lot of the pain .
People underestimate how much a simple apology can mend – sometimes it just needs to be said – a recognition that we understand we have hurt someone else .
Keep strong Lisbeth – you have those wonderful grandchildren and Sping to look forward to .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. I think I was able to finally release my anger towards my Mother because I finally realized that she will never change. And if I don’t change my attitude towards her that I’m the one who is going to keep hurting. She still says hurtful things but I’m not around her much and what she says is ridiculous! It’s not worth fighting over. I know that I’m loved by my Daughters, Grandkids and Friends. It’s all I need. Still feeling sick. Trying to get over this cold! I’m still positive about my gambling recovery! One day at a time

[finding_laura]

just popping in Liz to say Hi and see how you are doing. That cold is really hanging on. Rest, chicken soup, maybe a hot toddy.

When gambling addiction has run it’s course, when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired from gambling, we often find there is nothing left to do but change or self destruct. Too many depend on you to self destruct so I know which one I vote for ?? I know you will vote for that option too. Treat yourself good Liz, you deserve it.

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura. Well, Today was spent resting again. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. Today I had some crazy but normal CG thoughts. Money will be real tight but doable the next few months. I will be able to fulfill my obligations and get out of the hole. I started thinking about gambling in the hopes of winning some money. We know that isn’t going to happen but the CG in me was trying to tell me differently. I fought the urges and kept myself busy till the urges stopped. It would be so easy to backside but I keep thinking of the consequences. I have too much to lose! I can’t take another episode. I’m a worrier naturally and this last few weeks I’ve had many sleepless nights about money. I can’t do this to myself again. It’s now or never!

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t gambled!!!! Yeah!! This morning I made and froze some meals for next month. This will help save some money. I’m reading a book right now about obsessing about money. It’s funny but I have always obsessed about money then I blow it by gambling. The main thing that is emphasized in the book is that you have to let go and not obsess. Have a plan and have faith. Live in the moment, now! I have a lot to learn. I’m feeling a bit better and I’m going to pack up some of the Christmas decorations. It’s cold, I’d rather get back under the covers ! Lol! Happy New Years everyone! 2018 is going to be a great year!

[vera]

It always starts with the first bet, Lizbeth.
We need never place that bet.
Thanks for being first to post to my New Thread.
HAPPY NEW YEAR

[kathryn]

You’re right, 2018 is going to be a great year!
You are sounding a lot more positive and I think getting your life organised, even if it is frozen meals is a great start!
There’s always a sense of anticipation when a new year begins.
I don’t make resolutions, I never keep them !
I would like this year to be better than last year, not sure how it possibly can be but I’ll give it my best shot!!!
Lots to look forward to, small things they may be but gambling will play no part for me. I am going to appreciate each and every day!
Take care my beautiful friend,
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera and Kathryn for your posts! I’m very excited and positive for this new year. I think we are all getting a second round of this cold/flu. My Daughter can’t miss anymore work so I’m watching the baby today. She’s coughing and sneezing also. I’m tired of being sick. I can’t imagine having long term, chronic health conditions that others experience here. Today was pay day, after some of my bills and the mortgage payment (house my oldest Daughter lives in), I’m broke. I will be able to pay the rest of my bills and get groceries when I’m reimbursed for the mortgage on the 13th. It’s a long story but I’ve been fronting the mortgage payment to protect my credit, ect…as my Daughter’s paydays fall weird. I’m getting tired of it as it puts me in a bind for a week or so. The last gambling episode didn’t help either. So my positivity level is on the low side right now. But it will pass.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Liz! (well afternoon as I finish this)

Money troubles always gave me urges to gamble. Hoping I could win myself out of the hole. Of course it was the hole I created by gambling. Probably how we got in the hole. We keep fooling ourselves instead of looking at the big picture with a clear head. It really sickened me when I realized how much money I had spent gambling. And yet I went back again.

Today I am choosing to see the clear picture! Not gambling has created the financial choices and life choices I have today. I can only focus on today! Time to tell the gamble brain it’s stinking thinking isn’t allowed. Hit the road jack! I’m with you Liz. No gambling today. I am taking Kin’s advice to Maverick. Stop digging! Sounds so simple.
Enjoy the peace of a day not gambling. Love that you are reading and growing. Have a good day Liz.

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post! I’m not gambling because of lack of funds. That’s something I would do in the past. It only made my situation worse. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with the last creditor I have to deal with. Either way it will be paid. I will either be stretched for money for 2 months or they will let me on a repayment plan. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Then onward to pay my property taxes on the house I live in. There will be late fees but they are not too hefty. I will have to call and talk to them also. From that point, May forward, I can start saving money. So, the next 4 months, there will be very little extra money but I can do this!!! It’s a very humbling experience .

[lizbeth4]

So, I had my call this morning with the last creditor. I’m going to have to make a double payment next month. It is doable but means that I won’t have much left and will have to really watch my money. I can do This. Being sick and dealing with creditors has been challenging. I don’t have my Granddaughter today, so I’m going to rest. Tomorrow I’m taking her for her routine Dr’s visit. My Daughter had to miss work when she was sick and can’t miss anymore. I need to get better by the 13th. It’s my Grandsons 12th birthday party. My oldest Daughter even invited her Sister to attend. That’s big and makes me very happy.

[lizbeth4]

I’m not gambling and haven’t had any urges! Just trying to get my chit together. I’m really sick again. I think we are reinfecting each other. My Daughter is only working till lunch time so she can take the baby to the DR5. I’ve bought some masks to wear while I watch the baby. This cold/flu thing is really hanging on. Yesterday, 2 of my friends contacted me out of concern because I haven’t been on social media. It was nice to know they care. My hope today is that everyone has a great gamble free day!

[finding_laura]

Cold and flu season seems to be worse this year already. I hope you all soon feel better.

Being broke and dealing with creditors IS a very humbling experience. Throughout my life I’ve had personal experiences with poverty living. Some my own and some friends over the years. Before my gambling days and once I had a decent job secured I helped as much as I could, just as my family had helped me. It feels good to be in that position again. Makes a person realize what stress day to day life is for a lot of people. Here it’s because we gambled. For some it is just their circumstance. 4 months can be a long time in some ways Liz but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your eye on that and say no to any urges.

Rest up!
Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
Flu seems to be getting much worse than in the past- everyone I know who has had flu has been wiped out it and it seems to last so long now .
I hope you are feeling much better – it is hard to do anything or enjoy anything when you feel unweLl- I hope baby gets on well at docs .

How lovely for you that your daughters are celebrating your grandsons birthday together . It will be a joy for you to have all your family together.

[Monica1]

Hi Liz
Just to say that the flu does seem to last a lot longer this season here as well. Everyone I know has had it. For me the chest infection took 8 weeks to clear and my sister just kept reinfecting all the time. It will go though as mine did. I ha e been dealing with creditors for many years and it,is humbling, i also think,it contributed to my heavy depression this time round as I was simply sick of it and living this way. Your situation though sounds very resolvable and 4 months is no time at all.

[vera]

Are you taking any flu remedy, Lizbeth? I was taking lemsip for 10 days with no relief . My throat felt as if it had been sprayed with acid and my ears were like as if two hot prongs had been inserted Even my teeth and gums were very painful. In the end I started on an anti biotic . My GP was phoning me that week with blood tests but I ignored his calls until the Thursday. I had no voice so I just croaked “hello” and he asked to speak to my husband. Told him to bring me immediately to the surgery but I was not able to go so I went next day He told me to extend the antibiotic for a further 7 days.
Perhaps you need an antibiotic, Lizbeth . Do you get the flu injection?
Not easy to take care of a baby when you are unwell.
I am the worst patient imaginable.
No physical tolerance for any pain or illness but I seem to cope with things mentally better than most (So I am told). Mind over matter, I suppose!
Get well soon and don’t worry about those creditors. The whole world is living on a deficit! Let them wait!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your posts! I am taking medicine. I start feeling better then feeling bad again. It will run it’s course. A lot of rest and fluids. I will be out of the hole in 4 Months then another 26 Months and my credit card debt and tax debt will be gone. It’s all doable. I can’t gamble and I have to be very frugal with my money. Then I’m going to save so I can travel! My dream. I want to go abroad for 2 months then I want to travel the US as there is so much I haven’t seen. I can see my dreams come true!!!! Exciting! It’s good to have goals and dreams!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still very congested. I seem to wake around 3am every morning. I got out the vaporizer with the eucalyptus pods. Maybe that will help! I’ve cooled my friendship with my friend here in town. She is a CG and spends every day in the casino. Her Husband doesn’t gamble. I told her that I’ve banned myself from the casino and that we could meet else where for lunch. She agreed. I might have to end the friendship. Time will tell. My Granddaughters check up went well. She doesn’t go back till after her 1st birthday. She is pulling herself up and standing. She’s a beauty and so smart. I have a lot to be thankful for. I need to keep my eye on my goals. Everything is obtainable as long as I don’t gamble!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still feeling blah! I’m also finding myself getting a little depressed. I just wanted to say again to all of you that have chronic health conditions, I have so much respect for you! I hate being sick and I’m starting to get grouchy and whiny! But I know it will be over. My sweet Daughter brought soups and crackers over for me yesterday. It was very appreciated. I received a late Xmas box from a Nephew and his Fiancee yesterday. They were unable to come for Xmas. It contains presents for all of us and my Daughter can open it today. I may be sick but I am gamble free and I’ve put barriers in place to help me stay that way. Life can be hard and sad sometimes but if you really look, you can find the light, the positives. So, everyone, hang in there. Have a great gamble free weekend!

[kathryn]

Thank you so much for your post.
This flu has really grabbed you. I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
Grandkids, are they amazing or what?
Your granddaughter sounds like a doll!!!
I’m going to see my mum today. I kind of dread it now as I don’t know how she will be. I feel terrible saying that as she was the mother of all mothers and now I don’t want to go for fear of it making me feel depressed when I leave. In saying that, she does have good days. Hopefully today will be one of them.
The cool change came through last night, so yesterday I was wearing shorts and a tee and today I’ll be in a jumper and pants. That’s Victoria in Australia for you! 4 seasons in a day!!!
Keep looking for that light, it’s always there, just sometimes a little smaller than usual.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! I was able to get out today and I sold 2 items on a local FB selling site. So I was able to generate some cash. I’ve sold or donated many items I don’t use anymore. Grandkids are the best! They bring so much joy. Kathryn, although I’m not real close to my Mom, I see her getting weaker, more forgetful and it’s hard to see. So I can understand you being depressed after seeing your Mom when she has had a bad day. I’m sure it’s hard for you visiting your Mom. I still don’t seem to do anything right in my Mom’s eyes but I have just learned to tune her out and try to grasp any good that comes from her. It makes me try harder to have better relationships with my Daughters. I tell them how much I love them! Life is too short to be bitter, judgemental and mean. No one wins! I won’t have any regrets when my Mom is gone. I have already made peace with her in my own mind. That was a big step for me. All of my Aunts, Uncles and many Cousins are now deceased. It’s sad! It’s cool here but we haven’t had any snow yet. Very unusual. I’m always looking for the light Kathryn. There is a lot to be grateful for. Today I didn’t gamble and didn’t have urges.

[i-did-it]

HI Lizbeth,
You sound so happy despite your awful flu.
Being gamble free suits you- you have a very full life with your daughters and grandkids and if you feel your friend will encourage you back to gambling, then yes you may have to let her go . If it is a true friendship and not one based on your “shared interest” , she will meet you else where .
It might eve help her stop when she sees how you are moving on with your life
.
The sad thing about getting older is that we lose so many people who were important to us – but I guess they live on in our memories and our hearts – and as you are doing with your mum- the important thing is that we have done it best while there were here with us .

Well done on your sales – I often think how resourceful we can be – I think many of us could have built huge businesses if we hadn’t been afflicted with gambling addiction.

Get plenty of rest and look after yourself .

[kathryn]

Just wanted to let you know that I had a really good visit with Mum today, I showed her some photos of my kids (and tex of course) and she said are they yours? Yes I replied, then she said well you’re mine! I don’t know if she had a fleeting moment of recognition but I don’t care, it was just lovely.
We also had a few laughs and she told me she loved me and how beautiful I am… no glasses naturally!! Lol!
Seriously though, my spirits were high when I left, as usual I was worried for nothing. I always always tell her that she is the best Mum in the world and how much I love her. She turned 87 last month so you never know when your last visit will really be your last and it makes me feel that if she did go she knows how I feel. She was truly an amazing mother to me, how lucky I am.
Glad you sold some stuff! Woohoo!!! The wonders of the internet. I’ve bought all Harry’s school books for this year that way and saved a fortune!
I’m glad you have made peace with your mother, no regrets Lizbeth, those things can send you crazy!!
Hope you enjoy your Sunday!
Back to work for me tomorrow….ugh! In saying that I’ll be glad to have some away time from Dames, we niggle at each other when we have been together too long…looks like I’m never retiring!!! Lol!!!
Take care, love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

K, I’m so happy that you had a wonderful visit with your Mum. She sounds like a awesome lady! I think that I’m feeling a little better today. I got to hold my Granddaughter yesterday. She must be missing me as she kept crawling to me and wanted me to pick her up. I’m watching her This week so my Daughter can work. I had to decide to forgive my Mom for my own well being. I had a very mentally, verbally abusive childhood. So did my siblings. It makes it hard to remember the good times. My Sister feels the same way and she deals by detaching and seeing Mom when she wants to. It’s sad but my reality. I do refuse to be her scapegoat anymore. I’ve made big steps with her. A lot of counseling and soul searching. I-did-it, I can tell that Im alreading pulling away from my friendship. She has a lot of hurt in her life that she doesn’t deal with. Im going to make it clear that our friendship cant include gambling. Today I am not going to gamble as I am worth a gamble free life. I am worth all the good things that are here for me. I deserve peace and serenity.

[lizbeth4]

I am feeling better today! I’ve taken a long hot shower and feel like a new person! Lol!!! I have several appointments tomorrow to sell some jackets that I’ve never worn. I am getting rid of a lot of my compulsive shopping items. It is good to see them go. Very therapeutic! I don’t need a lot of things to make me happy. So I guess it was a lesson learned!

[vera]

Do you get paid in cash, Lizbeth?
I did a bit of Online Selling which involved cash deals, sometimes.
Just sayin’!!!!

[i-did-it]

Yippee Lisbeth ,
I am so impressed by your resourcefulness .
I’m not sure why , but the unsinkable Mrs Brown came into my mind when I read your last post .
Unsinkable Lizbeth – impossible to keep down- forever optimistic and resourceful .
GO YOU !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera and I-did-it! Vera, I’m banned from the local casino and the next nearest one to me is over 100 miles away. That is a big deterrent for me! I’m in a mountainous rural area and wouldn’t drive the roads to get there at night. I’ve been using the extra money for food and home supplies. I have no other cash source till my oldest Daughter gives me the mortgage payment on the 13th. I’ve already paid the mortgage.
I’ve already asked my youngest Daughter to deposit it into my checking account for me so there is no temptation. It will go towards other bills I need to pay. She is helping me be accountable and I trust her. I-did-it, I feel like the unsinkable Molly Brown!!! It’s funny how resourceful and what we can live without when we have to. I even got out today and had lunch at my Mom’s house. She fixed a lot of veggies and salad as I couldn’t eat the meatloaf. We had a card game and I played with my Granddaughter! I even helped my Mother with a few things. Tomorrow, I will be watching my Granddaughter while her Mommy works. I’m drinking a lot of fluids and plan to go to bed early. I’m so happy to be feeling better. Being gamble free just puts me into a different frame of mind.

[lizbeth4]

I wanted to get in a quick post before my Granddaughter arrives. I’m feeling better today. I went to bed early and I’m awake early! My Granddaughter keeps me on my toes as she is pulling herself up and taking steps. She is only a little over 9 months but I think she is going to be a early walker. I woke this morning feeling grateful not depressed worrying about my losses. That’s a good feeling. Things aren’t perfect but that’s life. It’s easy to focus on the negatives but when you find the positives it changes your whole outlook. Today I will not gamble. I will live in the present and enjoy my life. Have a great gamble free day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling even better today! My Granddaughter is taking a little nap. My 2 sales yesterday didn’t come through. I’m ok. Saturday, I will have my Daughter make the deposit for me when we get back from my Grandsons birthday party. Even though money is tight, I shouldn’t complain. There are many others that have less and it seems like there is always something that needs to be paid. Money!!!!! I’m grateful that I am gamble free. Life is never perfect but mine is very content and peaceful. Some may think it is boring but I like it like that. Have a great gamble free day everyone!

[Monica1]

Just a short visit to say thank you for your posts on my thread. Such little things mean such a lot. I am really pleased you are feeling better.

[lizbeth4]

This morning I was listening to the rain and watching the geese by the pond across from me. Life is really cruel sometimes! It makes you question things. I ran into my youngest Daughters friend and her Mother at the grocery store yesterday evening. The Mother is in a wheelchair now. She has lupus and many health issues from it. I’d seen her shortly before my Granddaughter was born. She is my age and has decided to stop all treatment, surgeries, ect… On top of that her Husband was just diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. They are very wealthy and were generous as they bought a bassinet for my Granddaughter and threw a baby shower for her. It’s sad and makes you realize how fragile life is. So while I feel like sometimes I’ve really screwed up my life, it is fixable. No gambling! Live in the present. Love my family and friends. Be kind to everyone as you don’t know what they are going through.

[kathryn]

I’ll take a boring life anyday!
Glad you are feeling better!
Sounds like you had a great time with your grand daughter!
Happy to read you’re being accountable to your daughter. It really eases some stress, pressure and temptation.
I’m having a tight month too! If I didn’t have so much on it wouldn’t be a problem.
Enjoy your peaceful day,
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! My Granddaughter is taking a little nap so I have time to jot a few thoughts. I’ve figured out that I can work on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays as I babysit the other days. I’m not sure of the specifics yet. Looking at the ads and thinking of placing my own ad. ???? A little bit more money coming in would help. I will figure it out. I told my friend here that I’ve banned myself and I won’t be gambling. We will see if the friendship will survive. It rained today and is very cold here. I wish I had bought a home with a fireplace. Maybe next winter, I can buy a fake one. I’m still feeling better. Mentally, I think that I’m in a better place than I’ve been for a long time. I’m seeing things clearer and I know that gambling can’t be in my life. I finally have faith in myself.

[vera]

If the friendship was based on gambling, Lizbeth, you are better off out of it. I met a few “friends” in the casinos. When I stopped gambling, I often had thoughts of getting in touch and I did with one or two. Guess what the conversation always led to???
I think you have a wonderful way of bouncing back and seeing the good in everybody, Lizbeth. The downside of being too kind is that we can be taken advantage of.
I think it was Mother Teresa of Calcutta who said
“Be kind anyway!”or words to that effect.
Have you any particular type of job in mind ?Will earning money affect your pension?
Perhaps the local Employment Dept. might know of some available jobs. One bit of advice I would give is not to take on a long commute. I worked 12 hour shifts when I went back to work at age 52 and had a 35-40 minute drive both ways.
I hear you about not having a fire, Liz. We have 2 stoves and an open fire.
I don’t think I could live with artificial heat .
All first world problems!
Not gambling is our greatest bonus.

[lizbeth4]

Vera, Thanks for your post! I can’t make over a certain amount or it will affect my pension but I’ll never meet that working part time. I’m more worried about being in a higher tax bracket. It would have to be in town. No long commutes. If I wanted that, I would move back to the city. I think my friendship will be over as she isn’t interested in going to the movies or really doing anything. That’s ok. I can make more friends. My choices in my price range were limited when I bought my home. A fake fireplace would work but it will have to wait till I’m in a better position financially. This year I will have 2 small loans paid off. I’m paying very high interest rates. Then more money will be freed for savings. Vera, I feel like I’ve been taken advantage of in the past but I would not go back and change what I was able to do to help others. It’s another lesson learned. You’re right, not gambling is our biggest asset.

[lizbeth4]

I have a few minutes to journal my thoughts before my day begins. Fear and stress just add to your anxiety. Sometimes we have to let go and give it to God. That’s what I’m experiencing now. I have a few extra yearly bills due in the next 2 months. I can’t stretch my money that far. I’m figuring out what else I can cut back on. Is there any bills I can juggle? I have a few more things I can sell but these items have sentimental value to me. But they are only things. Today I am going to be grateful for being gamble free, having good health and many things I take for granted. It’s going to work out. I do have faith.

[finding_laura]

Morning Liz!
It’s been a little bit since I was able to catch up with you. I’m glad you are finally feeling better. That was a long haul!

They have some beautiful electric and propane fireplaces now. Definitely something to put on the wish list for the future. Nice to feel like a future without gambling and it’s consequences is a real possibility. One saved for, earned and enjoyed. You have made so many changes in the past month. Making all sorts of connections yourself. You are an example to your daughters. And to your mother. She may never change but don’t doubt the fact that there are changes in you that may spark some slight awareness in her before her death.

I’m really proud of you Liz! Which may not really mean anything as after all I’m kinda a strange sort of pen pal! But I hope you are really proud of yourself too. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what to change or how but you have found your groove!

Have a good day Liz. You’ve made sure it will be gamble free. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, Thanks for your support! I do feel proud of myself! It is a good feeling. I went over my finances and cut back on some of my monthly payments and I juggled, I think I will be able to make all of my bills the next few months. Yes, it will be tight but I can do It! Surprisingly, a cashiers check was in the mail today for the mortgage payment, which I’ve already paid. I’ve asked my youngest Daughter to deposit it for me tomorrow. I am going to treat my Daughter and myself to Chinese food on the way home Saturday from the birthday party. I know a inexpensive place that has good food. I hardly ever eat out and we don’t have any Chinese restaurants here. Little things! No gambling =happy life!

[kathryn]

Glad to read you have sorted those finances out! Money may be tight, but they’ll be paid!! Once it’s done it’s done!!!!
Dames has gone away for he weekend. I finished work early and dropped in to see Brea and Tex. it was lovely!
I’ve had a nice hot shower, scrubbed my hair and have a new nightgown on that Brea bought me for Christmas.
It’s almost my bed time. I’m working all day tomorrow with Jode, we are cleaning. A big day but one spent with my best friend.
Have a good weekend,
You’re doing great! Enjoy the chow!!! Yummmm!!!
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! I’m going to bed way too early as it is dark here by 6pm. So I’m waking in the wee hours of the morning. Today, I have some bills to pay and rake up the front yard from the windy storm the other night. I have a HOA so I need to keep up on everything. Today will be another gamble free day!

[lizbeth4]

I’m getting ready to travel to the city for my Grandsons birthday party. It’s about a 1 1/2 hour drive one way. We will be traveling back after dark. I’m not crazy about it as it is mountain roads but it is doable. The last few days I’ve been struggling with my recovery. It’s been a battle in my head. I’m really trying to do the right thing as I will loathe myself if I gamble and put things into jeopardy if I use money tagged for bills. I’m fighting hard right now! Please pray for me. There is no way that I will be able today so I’m hoping the urges will subside soon.

[Monica1]

Just said a prayer for you. I always think when an urge comes up, that I am going for life not destruction because that literally is the choice we are making. Think of me stuck in my own personal hell for 5 months now and make good choices. Gambling to self destruction is what got me to this point. Now have you got your barriers in place? I know there probably isn’t anyone that can manage your money for now but surely you have blocked on line gambling sites?
Thinking of you and hope you have a good time at your grandsons party.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your support and prayers. I have barriers in place and my youngest Daughter is helping me with accountability. I’ve never gambled online. But there are other forms of gambling besides casinos that I’ve abused: scratch tickets, lotto tickets. These are very addicting. I haven’t bought any for years. Just having these overwhelming thoughts in my head is irritating. I’m choosing to focus on my Grandson and my family today. The urges and thoughts will pass. PS: I feel like I can be very resourceful when needed. My cell phone (which I just paid off) wasn’t holding a charge. I can’t afford another phone right now but I don’t have a landline. I went online and troubleshooted the problem and I’ve fixed it!! Yeah !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your support and prayers. I have barriers in place and my youngest Daughter is helping me with accountability. I’ve never gambled online. But there are other forms of gambling besides casinos that I’ve abused: scratch tickets, lotto tickets. These are very addicting. I haven’t bought any for years. Just having these overwhelming thoughts in my head is irritating. I’m choosing to focus on my Grandson and my family today. The urges and thoughts will pass. PS: I feel like I can be very resourceful when needed. My cell phone (which I just paid off) wasn’t holding a charge. I can’t afford another phone right now but I don’t have a landline. I went online and troubleshooted the problem and I’ve fixed it!! Yeah !

[vera]

The urges will subside, Lizbeth , when they know they have no outlet.
I hope you enjoyed your grandson’s birthday. Family occasions can cause us to be apprehensive . The CG part of our make up will always be there to offer us a “crutch”. Ignore that temptation. Lizbeth.
We know how to walk without crutches now. We have a superior bag of tools!
We know where gambling always leads us!
Not today, Liz!
Drive safely!

[lizbeth4]

Vera, The urges did subside! We just arrived home. The party was fun. My Grandson is taller than me. Which is no surprise as he is going to be very tall like his parents. He is 12 years old now and on the cusp of being a teen. My youngest Daughter had fun. Just to think that 9 Months ago my Daughters didn’t even talk to one another. A lot has changed and my Granddaughter has helped pull our family together. My Grandson loves his baby cousin and is so gentle with her. She was sent to us!!! I believe in miracles. No gambling for me!

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m feeling so low and depressed. Honestly, I’ve been feeling this way for the last couple of weeks. Even the people closest to me don’t even notice. There’s no connection there! Sometimes I feel so alone and isolated. I feel like just giving up ! I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. But something inside of me won’t give up! So there still a little spark inside of me.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth please my friend hold on to that little spark and never go into complete darkness, I am so sorry I haven’t posted to you for a while I have just been struggling myself and in truth also been in complete darkness and really struggling to find any light or any spark, but you are so very right there always is and please never forget that.

I understand when you say there seems to be know connection with certain people and I find it the same no one really seems to know me……….know what I want…….what I need…..what I am about……….but hey keep fighting my friend please.

So now onto the calming side after my panic rant lol, just take a step back and look out a window or yet again go for a walk, walk or look slow Lizbeth not quick or fast…….look at silly things like trees, flowers……birds……..water…….I strongly believe there is something in everything………..I don’t want to upset you by saying the wrong thing but your husband is in all those things……………because he is around you always close by I have always felt and believed the people we loved who have passed from the world are still so very close to us, I cant share everything I know on here because people will just think I am weird (more weird than they think I am now lol) but I promise you Lizbeth with regards to certain things I know more than most and that’s all I can say.

Lizbeth I love seeing you around and always love reading your posts just so very sad at times to see you struggle so much, I have a scan tomorrow and in truth I know its not going to be great as I know my own body, but hey I am 41 years old and in fairness I have enjoyed my life very much…..probably too much to be fair lol………..and there is two ends of the spectrum here……..grandma in law is 92 and still fighting on and my friends daughter 4 years old and struggling to survive a really bad situation……whatever happens I know I am very lucky.

Lizbeth you are a wonderful women and I am so very happy to know you, please don’t reply today I know it takes a lot of energy at times but please just read…………..relax and enjoy…….breath the fresh air outside your door and relax……contemplate life but please don’t regret……..we all do what we do and in truth if I had my time again I would do exactly the say…………am I stupid most probably but hey whos perfect.

Lizbeth my friend my thoughts and heart are with you, keep smiling and most of all please never give in!

Your friend always.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Maverick, Thank you for your post! My Husband and Grandmother are always with me. So I’m not alone! I’ve had many experiences regarding them. Things a lot of people either wouldn’t believe or would make them think that I’m very strange. So i will just leave it like that. I went and saw my Granddaughter today. I played with her and acted silly. It helped release some stress. She looks at me and sees Nana, not this sad person, insignificant person. I know that only I can change how I feel. No one else can do that for me. It’s easy to stay stuck but I’m trying to move forward. I was so tired this afternoon so I curled up on the couch and slept a few hours. I feel like my mind is clearer. Tomorrow is a new day. I’m not gambling!

[kathryn]

I’m a believer!!! Ive had a few things happen to me over the years too…….
Oh Lizbeth, don’t you see?
You are not insignificant.
Look at your granddaughter. She obviously adores her nana. You are a massive part of her life.
What about your daughter? What would she do without you?
Not to mention GT……
Your name is all over this forum. Not insignificant, but clever, smart, witty, truthful, soulful, deep, thoughtful and full of advice and support.
You affect people in ways you will never ever know.
Everything you say and do affects someone in some way.
I think that is a wonderful quality, to touch others you have never even met. To take the time to post, to read, to listen.
I know you are in a funk, it will pass.
I believe when we feel down a wall goes up. We don’t want to communicate, we feel isolated and alone.
I know those around you can see this.
Maybe they just don’t know what to say and hope it passes?
Keep being the beautiful person you are.
You are ANYTHING but insignificant.
Love K xxxx

[finding_laura]

Good morning Liz. Your visit to your oldest daughter’s for your grandson’s birthday party went well! The anxiety before and and the relief after probably triggered some urges as I see you were having some around that time. So much support here, I hope you feel a little less alone. I think you may be falling victim to PAWS. It’s just something to keep aware of as your gamble free time adds up.

This information applies to gambling addiction also, they are finding more and more similarities to how our brains react to gambling and drugs.

https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm

hope this info helps.

Keep up the great work Liz. One day at a time!

Laura

[vera]

Curling up on the couch for a sleep is the best medicine when we are tired, Lizbeth. You had a long journey and a party to enjoy, in between. Travelling as we get older , and with increased traffic, can be stressful in itself. Remember, you are also recovering from flu and none of us can act like 25 year olds anymore!
Saying no to gambling today will strengthen you to give the same response tomorrow.
As soon as the thought flashes into to your mind , stamp your feet and shout “NO”!
It works!

[alliesmum]

Hi Lizbeth
Have just been reading through your recent posts and thought I would share my favourite quote with you –

‘Happiness can be found even in the darkest of places if one only remembers to turn on the light’

Lots of love xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thank you everyone for your support! I am in a funk. No motivation. Feeling lost. I wanted to isolate again today but I didn’t. One of my Nephews is in town. I spent some time with him, my Daughter, Granddaughter and my Mom. I also forced myself to go grocery shopping. I looked at the ads and clipped coupons. I was amazed at how much I bought and how little I spent. I tried to talk to my Mom and Daughter about my depression, ect.. but my Mom isn’t very empathetic and my Daughter is going through some of her own stuff right now. So I really appreciate all of your support right now! Our 1 department store is remodeling and hiring temporary help for 4 Months. Of course something is wrong with my computer and my tablet and phone doesn’t support their website. I’m going to the library tomorrow morning to do the application online. I called the personnel office and almost all of the positions are full. I’m still going to give it a try. My money issues are all not from gambling. But it didn’t help! Compulsive shopping and spending recklessly, and some poor financial decisions helped to put me in this situation. When you can’t pay your bills, it is the most helpless feeling. I don’t want to lose my property as it is one of the only stables in my life. I can’t downsize as property here is very expensive. I’ve gone through all of my options in my head. More income is neede. It will only be temporary. I’ve been out of the workforce for 9 years. Before that, I was at the same job for over 25 years. So this is kind of scary for me and a big leap. I didn’t gamble today. I can’t gamble tomorrow!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Getting out and meeting people is a great tonic for a low mood.i hadn’t heard of PAWS before but it does make sense.
I hope the application goes well. Being back in work may well give you a new lease of life . Hope your world feels a little brighter today.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I’ve been awake again for awhile. I’m going to sleep very early in the evening. I’m just exhausted! Laura, I’ve just read the PAW article. It describes what is going on with me. It does make sense. Im so off. I’m not myself. I’ve always compared gambling addiction to other additions. Today, I’m determined to make it a good day. Of course, no gambling! I will be picking up my Granddaughter after submitting my application. I’m asking for a night shift so I can still watch my Granddaughter. My Mom can help for a few hours a day. I feel so drained, everyday. I need to find a solution as this is getting overwhelming. I do look for the light everyday but it’s hard to find!

[lizbeth4]

I have no motivation but mustered up enough energy to go to the library this morning and submitted my application on line. I then went and picked up my Granddaughter! I put together a high chair that was sitting in a box. My Granddaughter is walking with assistance from her walking toy. She is into everything! LOL. I had a lot more energy 12 years ago when my Grandson was born but I’m managing. Hope to get out of this funk soon!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still feeling low and struggling but I’m getting through the day. I need to stay strong for my youngest Daughter and my Granddaughter and myself. I cant lose myself. I’m hoping to hear about employment that I applied for yesterday. I will have to look into other avenues also. Hanging in there! No gambling.

[Monica1]

Hi Liz
Completely get how you are feeling, remember you have just had a flu virus which always has a bit of an aftermath. Good luck with the job hunting. We are both actively looking and I wish you well in your search.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! Oh my, my house, yard need some attention. I can’t believe how long the flu kept me down! Well, I have a interview tomorrow! The job is temporary, 4 months as it is a store remodel. If I get it, the money will pay my property taxes, 2 small loans and enable me to save the rest. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

[i-did-it]

Praying you get that job Lizbeth .
Are you struggling because of the flu or struggling with gambling?
Either way I hope the struggle gets easier xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it! I hope I get the job also. I’m struggling with gambling thoughts but I’ve banned myself from the local casino. I’ve been depressed about money. Going over my finances and I’m unable to cover everything next month. This job would be the answer. The worry causes stress which triggers my gambling urges. I have to let go and give it to my higher power. I have to have faith!

[lizbeth4]

PS: There are other forms of gambling which I have done, scratch tickets, lotto tickets. I don’t want to go to other avenues. I have bans and barriers in place. I need to stay busy. Between watching my Granddaughter and working, I will be very busy! LOL!

[i-did-it]

Stay busy Lisbeth .
Every lotto nite I check the time and think I need to go .
Every lotto nite i get busy and when I check again it is too late .
I feel disappointed I missed out on my big win( cos the chances are high???lol) and I feel relieved I haven’t gambled.

It’s such a strange addiction but keeping busy is one of the best ways of controlling it

[lizbeth4]

The interview went well. I have the job! Waiting for my background check to be completed. Then I will have orientation and training. Feb 11th is my projected start time. My Granddaughter is sleeping. I’m not as depressed today as I know that financially I will be able to pay off some debt. This is a big step as I haven’t worked for 9 years. I will have to readjust my sleep pattern as I will be working the night shift but it is doable. No gambling today!

[i-did-it]

Wow. – massive congratulations to you Lizbeth .
Well done.
I am awestruck by your determination.
I hope you love ur work and earn loads .
Xx

[Monica1]

Really pleased for you Liz. This is great news.

[finding_laura]

Congratulations Liz! Both on the new job and the gamble free living!

It can be tough the first while with your brain learns it must change as you are not going to give in to its demands for more! Affects moods! But making progress, finding ways to live and move forward, those things help. I’ve been doing some reading and cognitive behavioural therapy is one thing that is used to combat urges and gambling. Maybe do some googling or searching on you tube. It’s amazing what is out there for free.

Real life might not be perfect but it’s a whole lot better without the damage of gambling in it! Have a nice evening.

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your posts! I passed my background check. Now I’m waiting to be scheduled for orientation and training. If I don’t hear from them by Monday, I will give them a call. The next 4 months will be hectic. My Mother is going to help me with my Granddaughter while I work. A few hours in the morning so I can get some sleep. No time for gambling. I do believe in a higher power and I’ve been putting all of my faith in her.

[kathryn]

I am soooo pleased for you!!!
Congratulations!!!!
I’m sure you will really enjoy it, you will meet some new people and I hope you are funk free really soon!!!
Have a great weekend!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn. I’m a worrier, big time! I haven’t gambled! I’m so glad that I banned from the only casino in town as I think I’d be gambling right now. I haven’t bought scratch tickets either, though I’ve wanted to. I made all of my bills this month. Next month will be a different situation. Even working, I won’t get paid in time to cover everything. So, some things will be late. Oh, I have to let go of the worry as it causes me so much stress. Tonight my Granddaughter is spending the night so my Daughter can go out. I will focus on the joy she brings me. I will live in the present and have faith that everything will work out. Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I have orientation on Tuesday then job training the rest of the week! Feb 11th will be my start date. I don’t have to buy any clothing as I have clothes that fit the dress code and shoes. I’m excited! It is a manual job as we have to remodel and re-stock the whole store and it is large as it is our only department store. I will have to get acclimated to standing for 8 hours. Thank goodness that I have brand new shoes with good support that I bought some time ago. I’m breaking them in now. LOL! Honestly, since I received that call, I haven’t had any gambling urges. I have renewed hope that things are looking up!

[i-did-it]

Truly great post Lizbeth .
You are always an optimistic person and your optimism has paid off .
I love when I don’t have to buy work clothes ( seems such a waste !)
I think the job sounds fabulous and as well as earning you will get to meet new people
And it’s extra good you are not having urges ‘
Well done Lisbeth – this didn’t just happen – you made it happen !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I really try to find the positives in life but sometimes it’s hard. I have to be resourceful as I have no one else to rely on. I think that’s the hardest part of not having my Husband here. I always knew I could rely on him. We made it through many hard times together. My Granddaughter’s stay was good. She makes me happy. I saw my Mother today. I really try with her but she still says her snide remarks and tries to discredit me. I will never figure out why. Even though it hurts, I try to blow it off. I’m going to limit the hours that she watches the baby when I work because she will be complaining about that next. It’s only 4 Months and that will fly by. I wouldn’t mind a part time job if I like it there. Anyways, no gambling thoughts or urges today! Hope everyone is having a great gamble free day!

[lizbeth4]

My Grandson and ex son in law just called me to see how I was doing. How uplifted and happy I feel. There’s nothing to compare to this feeling.

[kathryn]

You never know, this job may lead to bigger and better things!
When I started my current job I went from a desk job to standing at least 9-10 hrs a day. It took 2 weeks for my back to adjust, it was so bad I thought of quitting !!!!
Heat packs and balm fixed me up!
You will be fine!!!!
Glad you enjoyed your grand daughter. I went and saw Tex today, hadn’t seen him all week and couldn’t stand it!! Lol! Made my heart sing…..that child!
Have a good week,
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! I woke to snow this morning. We don’t get a lot but it was well past due. I really believe that everything is going to be alright in my life. I didn’t make this financial mess in a day so it will take some time to make things right. I have to believe in myself. Although I sometimes feel all alone in my journey except for the support from GT, I will be all right. I’ve been out of the workforce for 9 years so that is my only hesitation. But I’m ready to take the plunge so I can move forward. Life can be so beautiful if we let go of the negatives and just enjoy it. I’m not gambling. I don’t want to gamble either. For now I’m going to curl up under the blankets and watch TV. Have a great gamble free day everyone!

[i-did-it]

I have to agree Lizbeth – the support on here has been incredible -it has certainly saved my sanity over the years . I too feel alone in recovery so the kind people on here are incredibly important for me .

I think Epsom salts baths are incredible if you have aches and pains so maybe buy in a stock so you are ready to relieve those back to work aches . Old fashioned but I swear by them !

You really are doing so well Lizbeth – I continue to be blown away by your motivation and energy .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I have Epsom salts. I swear by it also. I wanted to share this quote as a lot of us forget self care. “You can’t pour from a empty cup, take care of yourself first.” author unknown. Putting myself last has always been a downfall for me. Taking care of myself and putting myself first is a priority. It will help in all areas of my life even my gambling recovery.

[Monica1]

I think that is so right. I have earned a lot of money in my time and have supported my family financially. And what have I got to show for it? Absolutely nothing, no assets, everything in my home needing replacing. I got lost along the way. So recovery comes first now. We need to do this for ourselves, whether this is deemed to be selfish by others or not. We can do this.

[lizbeth4]

Thinking of you today Monicau. I’m up early waiting for my Granddaughter to arrive. Tomorrow is orientation. Surprisingly, I’m not nervous. I just want to get this show on the road! LOL! No gambling urges! It’s going to be a great day!

[i-did-it]

Good luck for tomorrow Lizbeth .
I will be thinking of you – you brave and incredible lady !
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thank you i-did-it. My oldest Daughter just text me asking if I could stay with my Grandson for a week in March. They want to go on a hiking trip. I had to say no as I am working. I feel so guilty but I have to take care of myself first! Guilt feelings are another of my triggers/issues. Something I need to work through.

[finding_laura]

Hey Liz, have a great day at orientation. I always have a guilty conscience. Doesn’t really matter if I did anything wrong or not! But you can retrain yourself to know, you have to put yourself first or you can’t be of support to anyone else. As your quote above shows us. Really very happy and proud of you Liz. You have tackled a lot lately. Really, banning, did some counselling, standing up for yourself more with your mom, dealing with debts and got a job! Awesome work! Epsom salts have magnesium in them which is really good for muscles. It is also one of the building blocks of our bodies. Each and every cell needs it to function. So enjoy your epsom salt bath!

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post! Orientation was fun. I even participated in the activities. The next 3 days are training (computer self paced) I really enjoyed myself today. Everyone was very nice. I really think that this will be good for me. My oldest Daughter never text me back. I never say no to her. They can go on a hiking trip some other time. No guilt feeling now! I have to take care of myself first!!! No gambling thoughts!

[kathryn]

You’re going to love it!
Look at you participating in activities and all!!!
Great for self esteem, and keeping those gambling thoughts at bay….win win my friend!!!
Your daughter will get used to the fact that she will need to work around you for a while. She’s proboably used to having you at her beck and call!
Keep enjoying,
So happy for you!
Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
You sound so alive and happy in your post .
Yes it’s hard for others when we fill our time and are no available all the time – but they will get used to it .
I sometimes think saying no makes people respect us all the more .
I take it you didn’t need the Epsom salts bath lol.

Hope you enjoy tomorrow.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn and i-did-it for your posts. Today was kinda of a blah day. It seemed like anything that could go wrong did. I tried to make the best of it but I was a little grouchy by the end of the day. Tomorrow is a new day! My oldest Daughter text back ok to my text saying no to staying with my Grandson for a week. I feel like I’m always there for my family and it’s ok if I
say no! I might need the Epsom salts soon. My neck and shoulders are tight and sore from sitting at the computer for 7 hours! Lol! Still not having gambling urges.

[lizbeth4]

I’m so bummed! I’ve past all of the computer tests and I’m working on the store floor. I detest it!! Really!!! I’m at home right now having lunch since its 1 hour long. I know the answer is to hang in there but I don’t think that this is for me. ??????????? At least I’m not gambling.

[i-did-it]

Just think of the money Lizbeth – and ***** off the days .
I think most new jobs are horrible at the start until you find your feet , feel part of it and confident in the tasks.

When I have been in jobs I hated , I *****ed every fifteen minutes in cash lol- it kinda helped remind me why I was doing it.
Hang in there for as long as you can and get that cash together to give you a bit of relief from worry . Just keep thinking of pat day !!
It will pass – but I know it’s really hard to live through
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your supportive post! I really needed it!! I have to remember why I’m doing it! I need to hang in there. It will be a relief when i have that extra cash. A big stress relief
I have 2 days off. Time to get caught up on things. I might watch my Granddaughter tonight. I need to have more faith in myself. I am out of my comfort zone. But that can be a good thing. I need to work with it and not against it. Number 1 is that I’m not gambling!

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t sleep well last night. My brain wouldn’t shut off. Ugh, so frustrating. I think that I am my worse critic. It’s almost like I sabotage myself. I know that I am a strong woman. I’ve navigated almost the last 5 years without my Husband. I’ve rebuilt a new life, new house, new hometown. New way of living. I haven’t gambled and have banned myself. I can get myself out of debt and stick to my budget. I have to give myself more credit and believe in myself!!!! I’m worth it.

[Monica1]

Hi, thanks for your post on my thread. What is it you don’t like about your job? I am also my worst critic so know how self defeating this can be? And you are right, you can do this!

[lizbeth4]

I can’t pinpoint what it is that I don’t like about the job. I haven’t worked for 9 years, that might be part of my anxiety. I’m going to hang in there. It’s only temporary, 4 months. I can do this!

[Monica1]

4 months you can do Liz! The days go so quickly now, and I know you can do it.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau! I was thinking, I worked at my last job over 25 years. This job is completely different. I have to give it time.

[lizbeth4]

Well, I resigned tonight. I’ve never quit a job. I totally hated the job. No organization and very little leadership. I’m disappointed in myself for not hanging in there longer. It is what it is. I will look for something that suits me better. Also, I will tighten my budget more. I have a headache. Going to rest.

[kathryn]

There’s plenty more jobs in the sea!
No use being totally miserable!
At least you know you can get a job, I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you though.
Onwards and upwards!!!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post. It will take me thru May to pay my obligations and be back on track. It’s doable. I think I’ve been out of the workforce too long. Honestly, I was having anxiety attacks. It’s scary what the brain will do. A part time job would be more realistic. Number one is that I’m not gambling.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth , you are right – life is too short to be miserable !
So it will take u a little longer to get back on track- but you will.
Happiness is priceless

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. My Granddaughter is taking her morning nap so I have time for a little posting. I slept really well last night. It’s a wonder what sleep or lack of can do to you! I’m planning a little walk (stroller) this afternoon when it warms up. I haven’t been doing my daily walks lately. My friend (gambler) called yesterday. I was surprised. We are meeting for lunch on Friday. It was good to hear from her. She knows about my banning, ect. I am grateful that I am gamble free. Life is good!

[Monica1]

Life is indeed too short and there are too many rubbish jobs with awful employers out there so you did the right thing for you. It is about what we will tolerate in this life and you made a good decision. Shows good self esteem. Well done! Onward and upward.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post and support. I think that I made the right decision on quitting the job. The supervisor and next person in line tried to talk me out of leaving. But in my heart I knew it wasn’t for me. I can’t be miserable. There are some things going on within my family right know. I’m listening and being supportive. I’ve only given my opinion when asked. Some people need to grow up!!! I am happy that gambling isn’t in the equation for me. It would just mess things up!

[lizbeth4]

Have a great gamble free day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I slept really well last night. But I went to bed very early so I’m awake unusually early! Lol! My family drama continues. I am being supportive but not getting involved in it. If that makes sense. My direct deposits are in my bank account. All of the money marked for debts. I must remember that worry doesn’t change anything. I need to have continued faith that everything will be alright. I am doing the right things, no gambling, banning, ect… I will get through this and come out stronger than before. Sometimes I just need to find one small positive to help me through the day when I’m feeling a little down. Today: I get to spend the day with my Granddaughter! Joy!!

[i-did-it]

Well said Lizbeth – worry doesn’t change anything and yet we all do plenty of it .
You are doing great – enjoy your time with Baby.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I understand only too well the feeling of anxiety when returning to work after years away and I think you did well recognising that your happiness is more important.
You did what was right for you and that is how it should be
Well done
Velvet

[Monica1]

I seem to have done my fair share too although have had a fair few things to worry about. I agree re grandkids, seeing mine on Sunday. These what appear to be small things actually bring a lot of joy. I really like your statement about having faith that everything will be alright. I need to cultivate that!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post. I can’t compare my problems to yours. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I’m complaining while you are going through so much. I keep praying for you. Tonight I decided to give myself a little treat, a vegetarian pizza and side salad. Little things really lift my spirit. I did some socializing today. I went over to my friends new place that they are renovating. Tomorrow is cleaning and laundry day. Fun, not!!! My Grandson called and he has straight A’s again in school. I found room in my budget to buy a little something to send him. So precious but growing up too fast! No urges! But I know I will only be one step away from gambling. I don’t think you are ever cured. One day at a time!

[lizbeth4]

I had a good feeling moment yesterday evening. I recommended a guy who has done some hauling work for me to my friends who are renovating their home. He is supporting a Daughter and works 3 part time jobs. That’s a trade off for living in a rural area. They liked him and have a lot of work for him. They also gave him some furniture, like new. He text me, so appreciative and thankful. Just had to share.

[finding_laura]

I couldn’t quite catch up on everything Liz, sitting is done for the moment. But you are navigating what you need to. You are making your own decisions. Taking care of your own sanity. Other jobs out there more suitable to you. Thanks for posting. keep up the good work and remember all the great things about Liz! xo

[lizbeth4]

Today I’ve struggled with negative thoughts. All of the what if’s and regrets and fears of the future. I know I have to stay my course and get through this. I managed to go grocery shopping and went over my budget as I needed baby supplies. I cleaned and finished laundry. My youngest Daughter is struggling. Her manipulative ex boyfriend and father of my Granddaughter is out of jail and calling her. She has broken up with her new boyfriend. I fear she will return to the city and him. He does drugs and cheats on her. I fear my Granddaughter will end up in a bad situation. Also that my Daughter will return to drugs. I can’t stop her as she is a adult. It’s enough to make one want to relapse. I’m staying strong and trying to be a positive influence for my Daughter. Oh, life can be hard!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
Those are rather huge worries you have Lizbeth . I probably should know but do you see a counsellor – that is a lot to carry on your own.
Of course none of this might happen – your daughter is an adult but could you speak to her about it all. Could her ex have come off drugs while in jail? I think asking a few questions might help .
Well done on setting a good example xx

[lizbeth4]

Ugh!!!!

[lizbeth4]

I found a way to gamble yesterday! Omg! I have the gambling hangover and I’ve further damaged my money situation. I can only blame myself. I am so scared right now. Why? I self destroy myself. As i-did-it stated in her post, I’ve missed a lot of opportunities because of my gambling addiction. I’ve done so much counseling, family, marriage and addiction. I’m not getting something. Today I just want to be free of the ties of my gambling mind. I hoped that I didn’t wake up this morning. I just wanted the pain to end. What kind of role model am I? Right now, I feel like a useless, horrible person.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth,
Just as I have identified people putting me down is a trigger for me I think maybe worrying is a trigger for you . Could you on some level want a big win to get your family away from danger ? Or perhaps you just want to escape the worrying for a little while.
I feel gutted for you and I don’t suppose any amount of advice is going to tell you anything you don’t already know . Just be kind to yourself Lizbeth – forgive yourself And try to move on .
You are not horrible or useless – and you are a great role model of love and caring, for your children – which is the best kind of role model any of us can hope to be

Remember each of us are so much more than a stupid addiction xx

[velvet]

Dear Lizbeth
Brush yourself down and be thankful you have not damaged yourself beyond repair.
I am so pleased that you woke up this morning so that you could write in a forum where you are cared for very much.
You are a great role model because when you have a slip you don’t dress it up with excuses but you face it and get on with your life.
I think you have got ‘it’ but ‘it’ temporarily fell off the shelf and now ‘it’ needs a bit of tlc and understanding.
Believe in yourself Lizbeth. See gambling for the enemy it is to you, accept that your mind will turn to it when you are not feeling on top of things but ‘know’ without a shadow of doubt that you have the strength to control it.
Speak soon
Velvet

[kathryn]

You are going through huge stress at the moment.
Don’t let this set you back.
It’s a slip.
Nothing more.
Gambling hangovers are awful!
Just keep swimming my friend.
Velvet is right, the addiction will rear its ugly head when we are at our weakest.
I need to keep that in mind myself.
Love K xx

[Monica1]

Hi Liz,
Do you have barriers? How did you get access to gamble? I think everyone has said the right things and it is just a slip. It looks like worry for you particularly about the family that is a trigger. I was triggered today too with an email saying my six month timeout was over.
Anxieties are so difficult to deal with on our own, we need to share them. R u still seeing your counsellor?

[Monica1]

Hi Liz,
Do you have barriers? How did you get access to gamble? I think everyone has said the right things and it is just a slip. It looks like worry for you particularly about the family that is a trigger. I was triggered today too with an email saying my six month timeout was over.
Anxieties are so difficult to deal with on our own, we need to share them. R u still seeing your counsellor?

[lizbeth4]

Thank you everyone for your kindness and support. I think that there are ways around barriers if you want to gamble bad enough. I found a way unfortunately. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been a unhappy person for many years. I feel that when I was dealing with people that I love addictions that I lost myself and my happiness. It started 13 years ago and included a infant, my Grandson whom we parented for 5 years. It changed me completely. A lot of pain and uncertainty, loneliness. Trying to keep a marriage together also..my Husband’s death. I don’t think I’ve dealt with things in a healthy way.
My whole world was turned upside down. Instead of learning, I jumped into addiction myself. I could have been a drug user, alcoholic, but I choose to be a gambling addict. Tears are falling now as this is so painful. Today, I was in the middle of family drama concerning my youngest Daughter. Believe it or not, my Mother and I are on the same page with this, only our approach is different. I’ve been through a lot of counseling through the years. There are 2 counselors in town. I’ve seen them both, multiple times. I feel like they are not knowledgeable about addictions. This week I have to deal with the aftermath of my slip. The overdraft fees, ect. I’m putting things into jeopardy. I think I can cover everything this month with my direct deposit on the 15th. I really didn’t want to wake up today. I’m ready to go on to the next life. But i woke up and have to face everything. I’m very miserable and unhappy. I never have found my niche or place in life. I have no passion. I need to live my life for me and find my happiness. I don’t want to go on like this.

[Monica1]

I was thinking the other day about how amazing some of the folks are on this site. That included you. We have all been through so much loss and pain which seems to be part of the human condition. It’s crummy and Lord knows why some suffer far more than others. Some of it is our choices and I acknowledge that but some is just stuff that happens. I think we look at our lives when we get to 60, a time of deep reflection. We no longer believe the rubbish we are sold on tv and the news. And We lose our belief in many things we find to be fake. Like you, I chose gambling as an addiction, because I had lost too much in life and chose gambling as my escape. I too have been very unhappy from just before I started gambling six years ago now. Deeply unhappy, possib.y the deepest because there was a large spiritual component to it. But we have to go on, despite it all. I know that feeling well of not wanting to wake up and I have felt mostly like that In Recovery but also when losing heavily in action. I want to go on because of those who I love in this world, my children and grandkids. They do not need me leaving the planet right now. And neither do I or you. We have to recover. And as for finding our passion in life, this changes over time. Things I was interested in years ago no longer interest me. It will always change. What things interest you?

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I believe we are all a little damaged. Some things are in our control, some aren’t. My kids and Grandkids are my life also. I’m just so tired! This addiction is so overwhelming and draining. I’ve never have felt revalent. I’ve always have had low self esteem. Many things in my life have contributed to these feelings. I think when you get older you aren’t so naive and you can see through the crap. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want the pain I feel to go away. But that’s not going to happen as I would never commit suicide. So, I have to continue on and try to make a more healthy life. I am in charge of my happiness. My interests: vegetable gardening, taking walks, fishing. I’m not a crafty/artsie person. Would like to be .

[lizbeth4]

I can feel myself unraveling! I’m going into a deep depression. I’m filled with sadness and I feel very alone. The only support I have is here. I’m going to try and get outside today and get some sun. Otherwise I’ll stay in bed all day.

[velvet]

Dear Lizbeth
I hope you are getting out of bed and getting some of that sun. Staying in bed is going to keep you locked in your sad feelings whereas sun and fresh air can breathe hope into your thoughts.
I think a lot women feel alone at times even when they are not, I can’t answer if men feel this too. I find the feelings inexplicable when I have them and it doesn’t help when people tell me to ‘come on, you’re alright’. On this site though we don’t say that, we understand.
I suggest you make yourself a nice drink and perhaps read a book that has positive characters in it. Think about the things that give you pleasure, the successful things that you have achieved – your grandchildren, your children during their good times, your gamble-free days, the regard that people have for you on here.
Do you remember the running thread that used to be on the site, where we all listed the thing that made us happy – I loved the posts that mentioned going for a walk on a spring morning, going barefoot in soft sand, watching a child sleep? For me it would be playing my ukulele (probably badly) and singing with my friends. .
Life isn’t perfect Lizbeth but duvet days don’t make it better. Write a list of things you could achieve today and then tick them off as you do them – don’t make it too difficult.
Thinking of you
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Velvet, Thanks for your post! I really needed some logical input today. All of my support comes from this site. I am alone. When I am going through difficult times, my own thoughts can make things worse. So, today I’m not going to think about my gambling aftermath. I’m going to just try to make my day as positive as possible.

[Monica1]

All my support comes from this site too and it has been a little quiet of late. Vegetable gardening and growing things is pretty amazing. I know that feeling well of just sliding into a deep depression. I wasn’t like this before gambling so that is the cause of it. And the past few months for me have all been duvet days cos I can’t afford to go out the door! The depression lifts somewhat when we stay gambling free. It isn’t as bad as it was before. It still is t good because of my situation but the wanting to die has gone. Gambling is our enemy Liz and we need to treat it as such. It is a false friend. And it is the biggest drainer of all in every way. I hope your day is going better, they fly past so quickly.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth ,
I have a busy life but I think truth most of my support comes from this site- it is really important to me – I read your posts and I think your life is so full- I guess none of us know how another feels .
Keep strong Lizbeth- you’ve got this !

[Raynor98k]

Hi Liz,

I think a problem a lot of us have on here is trying to find something that is as exciting as gambling was, but something healthy. The problem with addictive activities is the massive release of dopamine caused by these activities. Our brains are not able to process these activities in a healthy way, so when we experience them all we can think about is “Remember this! This is important!”. As advanced as our brains our, it’s amazing at the flaws they still have. I am struggling to find an engaging activity after gambling, everything just seems so slow and boring to me.

Overcoming an addiction requires a complete life change. Right now, I have been taking it easy and going on a lot of walks (something I never used to do). I want to explore more activities and see which ones click. Recovering is really about retraining your brain to handle less intensive stimulating activities. Over time, your brain will heal and learn to adapt to more normal scenarios. Hope you are doing well

–Nick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau, I-did-it and Nick for your posts! I’ve read a few articles about the chemical changes that occur in the brain to addicts. It’s interesting and makes sense. I took a short walk as it was cold and very windy. I haven’t looked at my bank account yet. I really don’t care today. I’m in that I don’t care mood right now. I will have to face things but I don’t have the energy now. I’m drained. Tomorrow will be better.

[lizbeth4]

I finally looked at my bank account. Not good! Could be worse. I really have no words to describe how I feel right now. Disappointed in myself. Still depressed and unmotivated. I’m going to see my Granddaughter later today. That will help brighten my day. Still having urges even after this disaster.

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m not feeling well. Sore throat. I’m staying home and resting. I’ve made a tough decision to ask a family member to sign a $2000 loan for me. I have 2 high interest loans that need to be paid off asap. Yes, I took out these loans after 2 gambling slips. I don’t ask anyone for anything so this is a BIG decision for me. I have to swallow my pride and be honest and accountable to them. I am also going to ask them to help with my money and finances and to travel with me over 1 hour away where I last gambled to ban myself. The worse that can happen is that they say no. I have to get a grip on my finances. I’ve decided to continue my counseling as I have many other issues that I think are tied to my addict ion. It won’t hurt. Hanging in there !

[i-did-it]

Hi Lisbeth , I hope it works out with the loan – well done on your determination to self ban. Continuing counselling seems like a really goood idea .stay strong !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Jappy and i-did-it! I was nervous all morning and had a upset stomach. I made the call this evening as my family member doesn’t live here. She said yes and instead of giving me cash, she is paying the bills. We agreed to a monthly repayment amount and she’s not charging interest. She will go with me to ban but it won’t be till next month as she has a busy work schedule. My Sister said I could talk to her anytime and that she could easily be a CG if she had more free time. She was very understanding . I am back on track financially. I’m not going to mess it up again. I have a counselling appointment next week. I have to stay on track. Feeling better now!

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m feeling more hopeful! Very tired though. My Daughter called at 2am. My Granddaughter was running a high temperature. I went over and between the Tylenol and sleeping in Grandma’s arms, she woke this morning feeling a lot better. Teething is awful! My bills were paid online this morning. I’m so grateful. Now it’s up to me to be true to myself and do the right things. I need to stick to my budget and absolutely no gambling!!!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth
That’s great news . Being free from the awful stress means you can be available for emergencies like when your daughter needs your help with Baby.
Lizbeth , do you recognise your triggers and is there a strategy you can use when you feel triggered ?
I am asking because my slot machine addiction hardly calls to me at all recently but the urges to do the lottery are so strong – I don’t really know why .
The important thing is your bills are paid and you can get on with your life !

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, my triggers are boredom and stress. If I can keep busy, I can usually get through the urges. And I’m trying to control how I react to the stress. Years ago, I was addicted to scratch tickets. I bought them daily. I thought I was doing good because it kept me from the slot machines. It’s all part of the addiction. I think when I became burdened with giant amounts of stress when dealing with my Daughters drug addiction and raising my Grandson, working, ect…everything started stressing me out. My life was lived on the edge. I never knew what was going to happen. Would my Daughter be missing for weeks, parenting a infant at age 48. Trying to keep my marriage to a alcoholic intact as I couldn’t deal with a divorce on top of everything else. It’s a wonder that I didn’t lose my mind LOL! I now realize how strong I really was. And it was worth it as my Grandson is a amazing, smart and beautiful soul. He is the love of my life! I am glad my financial mess is cleaned up as I am going to be in the city on 2 different occasions next month watching him while my Daughter is out of town. With that stress gone, I can just have one on one with him. Life can be good!!!!

[kin]

Hi lizbeth4,
It was nice to read about your progress with all the different challenges and burden that life throws at you.
You have my deepest respect!
Best wishes,
Kin

[i-did-it]

Lisbeth , that is such a lot of stress especially at a time of our lives which can be difficult for us women anyway.
I guess a lot stress can be reduced by money and hence we chase the big win.
You have taken steps to reduce that stress now so you can enjoy the time with your grandson.
I’m not sure how we can avoid stress in our lives and I think the kind of stress which we have when we are older has little to do with deadlines which can be helped by a few breathing exercises ! However we have both learned that the temporary escape we get from gambling only increases our stress.
I am writing this and all the time the “big win” is swirling around my head – this disease is horrible !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin and I-did-it. I obviously don’t handle stress very well. That is something that I continuously work on
Sometimes my brain overreactes in certain situations or I totally shut down. I still think about the big win at times. Our society revolves around money unfortunately. When I gamble, I do cause a lot of stress for myself. Why? Anyways, I’m not gambling. I’m getting back into my daily walks and taking care of my health. Life flies by so fast. Have a good weekend everyone.

[lizbeth4]

Today I consciously made the effort to do something nice for my family. I spent the day with my Mom, Daughter and Granddaughter. I purchased dinner stuff and prepared it at my Mom’s house. We had salmon, asparagus, and baked sweet potatoes. I bought chocolate creme puffs for dessert. It was delish. I did all of the clean up. My Mom was very appreciative. It was a good day! Tomorrow will be spent cleaning up a few leaves in the front and back yards. Maybe reading a book. I hope everyone is having a great gamble free weekend.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,that sounds like a really lovely day . I am considering moving closer to my family at the moment . I’m not sure if it’s viable financially but I would love to able to have days like that .

You sound happy . It just goes to show that your recent decisions were the right ones.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post. Today I was so unmotivated and I did nothing. I have to watch that as I seem to get into a pattern of doing nothing or little for days. I’m putting on the weight I lost. Tomorrow, I’m taking my Granddaughter for a long walk. Fresh air and exercise! Plus it helps to clear my mind.

[lizbeth4]

It’s been rainy and cold here. It’s not helping my motivation. I’ve done little today. I’m watching a series on Netflix. Binge watching. Tomorrow is a new day. I’m going to visit my Granddaughter. No gambling=happiness.

[Monica1]

I have spent most of my recovery time doing very little for the first time in my life. I get what you say about better to do something than nothing but really, it doesn’t matter. If you feel like doing nothing, don’t, and don’t feel guilty about it. I understand the motivation thing Liz and comes with depression and the aftermath of quitting gambling. Pre gambling I was the most driven person and now I have to give myself time and space to find the woman I used to be. And binge watching is infinitely better than gambling.

[i-did-it]

It must be a post gambling thing but I have watched a every series of my crazy ex girlfriend, all of Atypical , and several other full series of others shows since I stopped gambling .
I binge watch and love it – the great thing about Netflix is you can actually have conversations with people about it – I couldn’t sit in work and discuss gambling on line until 6am!

Perhaps we beat ourselves up too much – my motivation is pretty low too – but does it really matter for now ?

Just maybe we should allow ourselves to actually enjoy those lazy days – guilt has become such a huge part of our lives .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau and I-did-it for the great advice! I don’t have to be motivated all the time and it’s okay to have lazy days! I agree, I think the guilt of gambling makes me feel guilty if I’m not actively doing something. I’ve worked all of my life since age 12 (babysitting) so I’m allowed to be guilt free if I want to binge watch all day long! LOL! There’s a lot of shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime!! Today was spent with my family. My Nephew cooked dinner for us and made sure to include a lot of fresh veggies for me. Almost 6 months meat free. I do feel better! Another cold and rainy day. My days are filled with more meaningful things than gambling.

[lizbeth4]

So today has been a bummer! I’m sick with a cold again. I pride myself on not being sick very often but since November, it’s been the flu and colds! I ventured out and bought some over the counter medicine and Kleenex! More binge watching. Through all of this, I’m having gambling urges. I think I know the source. It’s coming up on the 5th anniversary of my Husband’s death. The day after my youngest Daughters birthday. I have several counseling appointments before then, so I will address my feelings with her. I wonder when these overwhelming sad feelings will subside. Working on this! Good positive note: my Daughter is doing some work for my friend in town. She likes my Daughter and is very generous to her. Well, time for Netflix!

[Monica1]

I think this season it has been recognised that colds and flu are taking a very long time to go. Nearly everyone I know has had it and go a number of times, it took 8 weeks for my chest infection to clear. But it will clear Liz.
You are making the right moves re counselling to talk about how you feel re the anniversary of your husbands passing. It will help, I am finding the gma counselling helpful and positive in very difficult circumstances. As for the sadness, we will have good days and not so good days. It is testament to the love you had for your husband that you feel like this Liz. Not gambling puts us in touch with those feelings we had stuffed down be it grief or anger and they are better out than in. Sometimes the manifestation of illness is the body processing and releasing those feelings. When we get better, the feelings pass and we can then again focus on moving forward. I feel for you Liz. Reaching 60 seems to be a deeply reflective time when we contemplate our lives and all,sorts,of sadnesses and memories emerge. But I genuinely, in all my difficulties don’t think we will be stuck like this for ever. It will pass. Lots of love to you.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! I’m feeling a little better today. Watching my Granddaughter this morning while my Daughter works for my friend. Grief is so hard. I’m forever tied to all of the memories (good and bad) regarding my Husband. He forever holds a part of my heart and soul. I have to leave the what if’s and regrets behind and move forward. It’s time now! I’ve made many mistakes after his death but I’ve made a lot of good decisions too! It’s time to really live in the present. I’m ready! No gambling =happier me!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
I hear you about the never ending flu.
Tonight I felt
So bad I wondered should I go to hospital and yet now I feel better (kinda).
These flus are horrible -but I am trusting Monica when she says they will go eventually .
Grief is a strange thing – I’m
Not sure if you ever get over the loss of a loved one and I’m not sure that you ever stop having regrets- I’m guessing if our loved ones had went first they would be going through the same feelings.
Lizbeth you have made many great choices / decisions since the death of your husband. You are a devoted grandma and a wonderful optimistic person, no matter what life throws at you.

[lizbeth4]

I made really bad choices today! I’m disgusted, hopeless and a disgrace. I can barely post here. I’m at the end of my rope! Having bad thoughts again. I’m a failure. I’m so tired of this life!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth ,
Why are bad choices so much easier to make than good choices .
You are not a failure – you just made a bad choice !

But I understand the horrible feelings that come afterwards .
I am (perhaps wrongly) assuming you gambled .

I hope if this is the case that the damage isn’t too bad .

Lizbeth you are a wonderful caring person .
You deserve peace in your life .
Stay strong
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your kind post. I’m not feeling very deserving right know. Yes, I found a way to gamble. The loss wasn’t a lot but never the less damaging. Today is Presidents Day here so all businesses are closed. Tomorrow I will need to make a few phone calls and make arrangements to make double payments next month. I will have some over draft fees and a low bank balance. The vicious cycle goes on. Today it is raining and lightly snowing. I can’t continue living like this. In truth, I’m not living. I have to recognize that this defect is keeping me from living a fulfilled and happy life. Today this has to change. Life is what we make it. Right now I am living in hell. I want to be able to truly feel joy, happiness and peace. Instead I always have gambling or the residue of it lingering in my head. This has been going on for a long time. I feel like a tortured soul. Evil has been winning. Today I am taking back my life!!! Today, I just want to live in peace, happiness! It’s my choice. My future depends on my choices today.

[lizbeth4]

It’s been a crappy day! I decided to tell a friend that I was a CG! It didn’t turn out so well. I put my trust out there and that’s something that is hard for me to do. She was appalled that I’ve gone through my savings and am having money issues. She just couldn’t understand how I’ve been so immature. I feel like this has changed our friendship as she will never look at me the same. Learn and Live! Now I feel myself going back into my cocoon . I already felt poorly about myself. I’m dealing with the consequences of my last slip. I’m going deeper into the black hole. Next month, I will be cutting corners and paying only what I can. But I have to face this and keep remembering what happens when I gamble!

[i-did-it]

Aw Lizbeth , that is so hard.
Many people regret telling others .
I have ignored all advice to tell others.
Your friend may research gambling addiction a little and come back with a more supportive attitude . I think many people must find it totally incredible that we would throw our cash away in such a seemingly reckless manner . We find it totally incredible ourselves a lot of the time .
Addiction stinks – and unless you have got one, you don’t really understand .

I hope you feel better – it is hard when we confide and then feel let down .
Onwards and upwards Lizbeth !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. I’ve always been open-minded and have had a few people confide in me. I’ve never judged and have been supportive. Maybe I don’t need her friendship anymore. When I’m made to feel badly about myself by a friend there is a problem. She acted like I had leprosy. She’s no angel! Lol! This just makes me retreat into myself again. Trying to stay positive right now. Figuring what to pay next month and what bills can wait. Why do i put myself through such torture. Family issues still going on but I’m staying clear of them. I have my own issues to straighten out. Doing this on my own this time!

[i-did-it]

Something is telling me ur friend protesteth too much – cud she have a gambling problem?
Just a thought

[Raynor98k]

Hi Liz,

Thought I’d stop by to offer some support. I am sorry to hear about your friend’s reaction to you opening up to them about your problem. In my opinion, their answer was very immature. It falls along the same lines as someone looking at a homeless person and saying “they should just get a job”. They don’t know what their past was like, or their current situation. Everyone is fighting their own battles, and although your friend may not have an addiction, they should be able to show a little sympathy towards you. Just my 2 cents.

Anyways, I believe in you. I believe in all of us. Getting over an addiction means creating a lifestyle change. I’ve never really had goals or values before, but I added a couple values:

– Never act on anything out of impulse (except survival situations)

– Be true to yourself

I do not fight urges. I understand that urges are part of the recovery process. The more you do not give into them, the easier it gets. Whenever I get an urge, I put it front and center, “Oh hey, I am having an urge to gamble. Let’s role play this really quick and see what will happen”. I then realize that whatever money I wager, I will lose. Doesn’t matter if I win, I will give it back because the system is designed that way. I then bring up one of my goals: owning a house. I tell myself, “I know that whatever money I risk, I will lose. That will put me further away from my goals. Acting on this urge will also violate my value of being true to myself. I am not going to be in secrecy anymore.” By the time I run through all of this slowly, the urge fades quickly. Just some tips I have used that have shown success. You can do this, I believe in you. Make some goals and create some values. What kind of person do you want to be? Then, talk things out. Be aware of your thoughts. You can create a new life for yourself, it just takes a little bit of planning and some work, but you can do it. Take care

–Nick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Nick for your support! I was thinking the same thing about my friend. Could she have a gambling problem? Nick, I will use your techniques when I have urges. It’s worth a try! I need to set some goals and stick to them! I don’t know where I’d be without the people from this site. You don’t judge. You are supportive and give me good advice. I feel better after reading your posts. I’m going to be alright.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. My friend who has cancer knows about my problem and just recently how she felt about it came out to the extent that I do t want to speak to her for a long time. Even though she apologised for offending me. She did much more than that so, her whole attitude and blaming of me, calling me victim mentality sickened me. I agree re idis post about friends knowing. You find out a lot by tellingbpeople we thought we trusted as friends.
Sorry you gambled. Setting goals is good as long as we have the motivation to fulfil them, something I really struggle with.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! My friend wasn’t really a friend. I’m hurt but ok with ending the relationship. If she had come to me with a problem, even if I didn’t understand it, I would have been supportive. It hurt but I can move forward. I woke during the night feeling scared. Scared because this addiction is so intense and has robbed me of cultivating relationships, caused me stress and had ruined my finances. Deep down in my soul, I can’t gamble again. I think it would send me over the edge. I’ve lied to creditors, people I love and to myself. I can turn this around with hard work. I just need to do this, once and for all.

[Monica1]

Re once and for all. Surely my story of getting stuck in rock bottom is enough to stop anyone! This addiction is scary as it robs us of everything and it is insidious. We end up not trusting ourselves which is pretty awful, like we have an inner battle going on. I don’t want the addiction to win and be the end of me. As it surely will if we continue to gamble. I know I can never do it again, ever as it would also tip me right over the edge if I am not there already.. I have learned the hardest way imaginable.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I read your posts and I know that what you are going through could happen to any of us here. If I keep gambling my finances, relationships and health will suffer. I’m not getting any younger and the stress of all of this is starting to take a toll on me. Yesterday I told my youngest Daughter about my last gambling episode and she replied that I should sell my home and move in with my oldest Daughter. ???? I don’t know how that would solve my issues. Also, I never want to live in the city again if possible. I never understood what she meant by saying that. So, I’ve decided not to confide in her again. Posting here and being able to speak openly is the best therapy for me. Trying to get motivated to make a few phone calls and made up excuses to juggle some bills. This is the last time!!!

[lizbeth4]

So I’ve talked to 2 creditors and they’ve lowered my payments for next month. The 3rd creditor hasn’t replied to my email (The way they want to be contacted). This is the last time I juggle money because of my gambling. I’ve really been thinking hard about my years of gambling and how I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life. I feel so much shame and sadness because this addiction is so intense and destructive. No more! I can’t gamble anymore. I want to live a good life!

[Monica1]

liz, we are the same age. Moving in with my daughter was also suggested to me but they don’t actually have the room. This was an acknowledgement of my loneliness and Pete problem. So, I get why your family are suggesting this and they are probably looking for solutions that would help your situation, even though in reality it could,possibly cause more,problems than they solve. My mum is aged ie 84 soon and frail. But she still lives independently with support and does her,own cooking and cleaning. Leaving her home is the very last thing she would want. I support her in this and really get it. I probably would never gamble again if I lived with my family but is,it the right thing for us in our hearts? For me, it,would, just alter the dynamic of why I did it in the first place. i live in the city and cannot bear it either as fresh air, nature and and the sea Give my soul a huge sense of peace and calm. The city just has the opposite effect. I think we need to find our own solutions to where we live, what we do etc. Despite the wreckage we have caused, we still have our own needs and what resonates or feels right for us is what it is and neither of us are decrepit and beyond taking care of ourselves, well for me not totally. There is still life left there!
You haven’t played it,all down to the level,I did Liz but as you say this could easily happen to any one of us here. Getting stuck in the aftermath, bankruptcy, depression and ill heath.
So, we move on and rediscover who we are at 60. I mean, 66 is the retirement age here so there is still time to repair the damage, what age is retirement for,women in the US?

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, People in the US can get Medicare and full Social security at age 65 but a lot of people work into their 70’s. I am happy where I live, a rural small town. I lived in a large city till my Husband died. I have a small yard where I can have a small garden and I have a pond across from my house and get to see a lot of wildlife. I would be miserable in the city and it wouldn’t solve any of my problems. My Mother is 80 and in good health. She lives down the street from me. Longevity runs in my family for the women. Most have lived into their 90’s. I want the rest of my years not to be ruled by gambling. My 3rd creditor isn’t working with me. I will be able to pay everything next month but them. 1 payment is doeable but not 2. I will face the consequences. I feel better as the days go by after my last gambling episode. I’m going to be alright.

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling anxious and stressed tonight. I have 2 high interest loans because of poor credit. And because of gambling. I have 1 more payment on one loan and 9 more payments on the other one. What a nightmare. So frustrating. Never again!!!! What a waste of money. I am just sick to my stomach. I have to let go of it but not make the same mistake again.

[lizbeth4]

I had a restless night. Replaying things in my head. Omg! All of the stupid things I’ve done for gambling. I became someone I didn’t like or know. One thing I now realize , it’s never too late to turn your life around and stop the gambling, the madness. It may be hard to get out of debt and regain the trust of people you care about , but if you comitt to recovery, it is possible. I’m starting my new life! Exciting!

[lizbeth4]

Last night I couldn’t sleep again. So, I looked up some verses in the Bible regarding money, worry. They helped to soothe me and I slept for a good 6 hours straight. I had the money to pay bills until I blew it on my last gambling episode. Why would I continue to fo this when I know the pain it causes? I’ve written down some goals for myself this year. All are obtainable if I don’t gamble. Today, I am posting online some items for sale. Hoping to make a little money. Next Sunday I will be in the city with my Grandson for 1 week while my Daughter is on a back packing trip. It will give him and I some bonding time. We are expecting some rain and snow this afternoon. Yuck!!!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I’m glad that you have made your goals obtainable Lizbeth, I am a list writer and I always make sure I can complete the ‘to do’ list by not putting much on it.
Have a lovely week with your grandson Lizbeth and forget your worries for a while.
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet! My goals are obtainable and I’m excited to achieve them. It snowed a little yesterday and is cold here. Just enough snow to make the forest look beautiful. Although it’s only been a short time since I’ve gambled, I feel so good about it and don’t miss it at all. In fact, I feel relieved. A week from now I will be with my previous Grandson, creating memories. What could be better?

[lizbeth4]

Today I am crushed, sad. I’ve been crying and so heartbroken. My Mother unleashed on me again. This time was in front of my Daughter and Granddaughter. She told me to get my axx out of her house. I was told how terrible of a human being I am and she tried to demean me with horrid statements. She became aggressive and in my face. I am so sad. I have no bond with my Mother. I’m devastated! I won’t go back. As I live in a small town and down the street from her, maybe I should move back to the city. Of course, I won’t make any sudden decisions. I have to weigh everything. I have to investigate if I will be able to rent a apartment as my credit is poor. As much as i love it here, cutting myself off from her completely is what I need to do. Surprisingly, it didn’t trigger any gambling urges. I’m stronger than I thought!

[lizbeth4]

My day is getting better! I watched my Granddaughter for a few hours. She is precious! She is 10 1/2 months and already taking a few steps. My Daughter was supportive and gave me a lot of hugs. I am in charge of my happiness. I am breaking the bad patterns. Ones I’ve lived with since childhood. Not gambling makes me have to deal with life and reality. As hard and emotional as it was today, it was a life turning moment. Life continues and I will be ok.

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
sorry it’s been so long since I stopped by. I’ve been busy healing from surgery. In my case that seems to involve a lot of sleep. So much has happened I’m to sure what to say first. I think Nick has some good practical suggestions about how to deal with an urge. I know P used to talk about surfing urges like a wave, something to google for another day.

I’m glad Monica, IDI and Velvet were around. When in my gambling days I would feel I was on a downward slide into a deep dark pit of despair, anxiety and destitution. I would keep thinking I’d get off the slide at different points. Things that should shock me (like getting high interest loans behind my husbands back) only registered for a moment. As long as I had money to gamble again nothing else mattered. But that is the problem. Real things matter.

I don’t know is now is the time to make such a big decision as selling your house. I’m not saying not to think about it if it is part of a well thought out plan, but be careful. Don’t free up a lot of money before you have this monster under control. And only then with some strict measures in place. Or next thing you’ll be wishing you got off the slide before you sold and spent it. Your daughter was probably thinking strictly from money standpoint when she said sell and move in with your older daughter, would free up money without your other daughter losing her home. But the dynamics would do your head in I would think.

It’s sounds like your mom has always chosen you to torment and be downright nasty to. You’ve never been offensive in anyway here Liz, and you’ve been here a while. True character takes time to bubble to the surface when we meet someone. And I’ve never seen anything in your character that earns you the treatment your mother gives you. If she won’t respect you Liz, please respect yourself. Don’t go back for more punishment xo
So the topic of friends, telling people we are a CG or not, and what to do. I’ve been of the mind the fewer but trusted people that know the better. I have a ring of people around me who chose to understand the addiction because they loved me and one who was a fellow CG her self. We were roughly of the same time but then I went a little awol. Anyway I am so very lucky in that way, that I have people like that. People who I truly hoped would be there for me and they were. But I also have people who were told by my husband (he told his family to which he regrets as they couldn’t keep quiet about it in the family and community) and they were not so understanding. They look at you like a crazy person who went on the street corner handing out all your money. The feelings of your friend’s reaction will pass, but unfortunately when a friend lets us down like that, well sometimes they just really aren’t the friends we needed and thought we had. Do what comforts you Liz. But somehow gambling has to come off that list. I hope this IS your life turning moment and you can put this firmly in your past. We are all here together. Going for the same goal. Have a good night Liz, take care.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post! I keep going back to my Mother because I want to have a bond with her. Sadly today I realized it isn’t going to ever happen. Her relationship with my Sister has been trumulcherous also. My Sister has shut our Mother out of her life for 1 to 2 years at a time, several times. In fact, she just came back a few months ago after nasty things were said to her by our Mother. This time was the last time. I can’t bear it any more. I wouldn’t sell my home until I thought about it for a long time and weighed everything. My youngest Daughter did have my best interests at heart. I think she was thinking financially. Living with My oldest Daughter would never be my option. My friend is no longer talking to me. She wasn’t a true friend as she judged me. I wish her well. I need to get a life. Really!!!! Lol!!!Thanks again Laura for your post as I know that you are recouping from your surgeries. Your support is greatly appreciated.

[lizbeth4]

Yesterday i was able to sell 2 small items. I made a little money so I went to our bargain store and bought pastas and sauces, pasta side dishes and some wonderful lemon shortbread cookies. I didn’t realize all the store had to offer. Today I have 3 items that have been sold, I just have to deliver. Again, small money but enough to treat my Grandson to pizza and wings when I visit in a week. My budget is so tight and still I’m $150 shy of what I need next month. I’m not borrowing from anyone as I can’t afford any more payments. I want to build a $1000 emergency fund but can’t find any extra money right now. Keeping my fingers crossed that I have no emergencies
Re: My family issues, although it makes me sad, I have to respect myself (Thanks Laura). For too long, I’ve placed myself last. Sometimes I feel all alone in this world. I have friends in the city but none know of my addiction. After my fiasco recently with a ex friend, I’m no longer willing to share this info. As for my family, there always seems to be strings attached so I don’t rely on them much. I have to rely on me. I know I will be alright. My health is stable with medications and in April after my obligations in the city, I’m going to check into some part time jobs here. This time I’m not going to be picky. I’m going to do what I need to boast my income. Gambling has taken a lot away in my life but it’s not taking anything else!!!

[lizbeth4]

More family drama! My recovering adult daughter wants to leave and return to the city with my Granddaughter. Back to her drug addicted boyfriend. She has no car, little money, and no support there. What is she thinking?? Astonishly, I haven’t had any gambling urges!!! Just heartbroken.

[lizbeth4]

After meditating, praying and saying my daily affirmation, my Daughter called. She seems in a better frame of mind. I’m truly just listening as I don’t want to get into my Mom lecturing mode!!! Tomorrow she has a job with my Realtor, so she can borrow my car and the baby can spend the night with me. I’m so happy that I’ve come to the point where the gambling urges are not surfacing as stress is a big trigger for me!! Thank you God for letting me be present and here for my Daughter.

[lizbeth4]

This afternoon I had a conversation with a long time (29 years) friend about my Daughter as she has experienced drug use with her children. Let go and give to God was her message. I knew this in my heart but having her reaffirm it helped. I could talk to her about anything but my gambling addiction. Sad! After my fiasco recently, I won’t share that secret with anyone else. At my counselling session today, I had a breakthrough. I realize that I’d been taught to stifle my emotions and that’s how I’ve been living. I never dealt with my emotions. It was seen as weak to show emotions, such as sadness or disappointment. I had to always act like everything was happy and good. Believe me it wasn’t!!! I grew up in a very mentally abusive and dysfunctional house. But you just went along with it. I remember crying at night after I was in bed so no one would hear me. You had to go along out of fear. I was a shy, introverted child. I’ve screwed up so many relationships because of this. It’s not a sign of weakness to show emotions. I feel this is a part of my gambling addiction. Maybe it was a form of me having control of something in my life. Not that I had control but thought I did. Something to think about!

[lizbeth4]

Having my hot tea and trying to wake up! Picking my Granddaughter up this afternoon for our sleepover. I’m leaving on Sunday for the city. I’m going to connect with a few friends while my Grandson is in school. I wish I was financially sound right now. But if i keep on my path, I will be eventually. Patience! Today will be gambling free. I add up the months instead of days. Anything that keeps me motivated!!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Being present for our children is probably the finest gift we can give them and you do it so well. Your mother is such a poor role model but she is her own worst enemy.
Look after yourself Lizbeth, I know you will never get in to any of your mother’s modes you are far too kind for that.
I hope you have a lovely night with your granddaughter – you deserve to have a wonderful time.
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet for your kind post! It’s easy to be drawn into the negativity from my Mom but I refuse to do so. I love my kids and Grandkids more than anything. Not gambling does keep me present. It doesn’t make up for the times I lost with them due to gambling but it does show them that I am here now!!! I’ve been productive and sold 2 small items yesterday. Items that I don’t use or were bought in my compulsive shopping days. I’ve listed 2 more items this morning. I’ve been putting this money into a tin container for extra money. As all of my income is going to bills and debt repayment. This fund is for traveling to the city and incidentals while I’m there. Maybe a pizza night for my Grandson. Maybe a treat of a raspberry tea or chocolates for me. Not a high amount of money, just my little stash. Life is getting better for me. More peaceful and I’m feeling more content. I’ll be filing my taxes next month and should receive a refund from the state again. I will be putting this into my savings and will be almost at my $1000 emergency fund. Things are going to be alright. No gambling urges!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Great post .
The emergency fund will give you peace of mind.
Hope you are over the upset with your mum.
You have so many positive things in your life – you are doing great !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your support. I just got my Granddaughter down, she still wakes up once during the night for a bottle. I’m listening to the rain and relaxing. Yes, once I have my emergency fund I will feel better. My Mom and I aren’t speaking. I need a break from the madness. I’m not mad at her but I’m tired of the disrespect. I do have a lot of positives in my life and that’s what I am focusing on. Good nite everyone

[i-did-it]

Goodnight Lizbeth (sounds like the Waltons which I am watching right now).
I wrote recently about becoming bitter – I’m wondering if that’s what has happened to your mum.
Take a break Lizbeth – u deserve to be respected .
Enjoy your granddaughter and focus on the things that bring you joy. There is enough to drag us down in this world .

Onwards and upwards

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! Good night John boy! LOL! My Mother showed up with a bouquet of flowers and cinnamon muffins this afternoon. She apologized for saying mean things to me! My Daughter and Granddaughter were here I accepted but I’m still wary of her. Within a few minutes, she was talking bad about a relative of ours. She is a bitter person!! I-did-it, I don’t think that you are bitter. Maybe you are seeing things clearer since your not gambling. I enjoyed my time with my Granddaughter but I’m tired now. Lol! I sold 2 more items and netted another $25. These are things I usually donate but I can use the money. I’m going to talk to the company ($150) that I can’t pay next month. Maybe they will work with me. It won’t hurt to try. It’s cold, rainy, and lightly snowing here. I’m in my warm jammies curled up on the couch getting ready for some Netflix. Better than gambling!

[lizbeth4]

The new set up here threw me for a loop at first! I thought I was on the wrong site. It looks good and was easy to maneuver. Today was payday! I paid all bills due and even sold another item. I called the loan company, which I can’t pay this month. I finally talked to someone who helped me. My due dates have been changed. Everything is doable! Doing laundry, ect as I leave Sunday afternoon for the city. I’ve set up a breakfast date with a good friend. Looking forward to some away time and time with my Grandson. No worries of gambling. I don’t go into the city casinos and I have a lot to keep me busy. Going to the park with my Daughter and Granddaughter. It’s going to be a good day!

[lizbeth4]

Even though I feel like I’m doing well in my recovery, I know that I have a long ,long way to go! It’s going to take awhile and hard work to get to where I want to be financially. I’m working on other aspects of my life too! But I feel confident that these will improve also. This month, 2 separate weeks will be spent on the city. In April, I’m going to look for a part time job and possibly volunteer somewhere 1 day a week. Plans and goals are good! No gambling =a more peaceful and content life!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Plans and goals are great – I think volunteering is an excellent idea -I would love to volunteer in a charity shop – I would love to create nice displays on the shop floor.
What do you think you might do ?

It is niece to get away from you own house a there always seems to be things that need it be done .

No gambling is life changing – and we deserve it !

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, I think I would volunteer at one of our thrift stores as they donate to either women and children or our Animal Humane Society. I’m also interested in our town’s senior center. I feel like I need to give my community and to feel like I am doing something of importance with my life! I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety the last 2 days. I’m thinking it’s due to going to the city. I don’t deal with traffic or traveling very far to get to wherever I’m going. Small town living is so different from big city living. I feel safe here. I’ll get over it! Spending time with my Grandson outweighs everything. No gambling=making goals and plans!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
i’m at the end of a posting spurt. Back getting sore sitting so I’ll have to go for my walk and do a few exercises. You have been doing great Liz. Nicks idea of a $1000 emergency fund has everyone motivated ?? I get anxious too. Any time I have to deal with making phone calls to any kind of agency or company. Silly isn’t it? I mean I could be calling to correct something on an account and I still get anxiety. I think calming ourselves, facing the task, and getting it accomplished helps. Have to get through it. No more escaping. Which is what sends us gambling. You can accept your mom’s apology but that doesn’t mean you have to go back to how things were. Being around toxic people is soul sucking. I can’t imagine it being my mom. I know what you talk of though, of having to pretend everything was ok when growing up. My dad was an alcoholic who could have a bad temper. There were some tough days and I remember crying in bed at night fighting the urge to jump out my window and run away. Thankfully he slowed down with the drinking and his temper mellowed. We built a loving good relationship in my adult years. But it took time and i dealt with it through a 12 step program for adult children of alcoholics. It helped immensely.
You are doing great Liz, one day at a time.
take care,
Laura

[Monica1]

Laura is right, you are doing good. I think being able to make a difference gives us purpose an as we get older more important that we find activities that give us purpose. Like laura, I also get anxious ringing companies around debt etc. I find it so hard to face and do as it is a lot of what I have been doing now for years and it wears you down. Onward and upward Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura and Monicau for your posts! I’m trying to build my $1000 emergency fund but I can’t contribute this month. I will be able to deposit some into my savings next month. My whole state tax refund will be pur into savings. That will be a great feeling! Laura, my Father and Step Father were both alcoholics. So were 2 of my Uncles. In fact, I married a alcoholic. I’ve never had a taste for alcohol. I’ve attended Alanon. It helped me a lot. I’m leaving for the city in 1 hour. Going to enjoy the time with my Grandson. No gambling helps make this possible!

[lizbeth4]

I’m alone in this big house! Doing some laundry, ect. My Grandson was happy to see me as I was to see him. We have plans this week. Lol! I’m kinda of pissed and upset. Regarding: mortgage payment/oldest Daughter. It never ends! Speaking with her doesn’t help. I’ll get it right before it’s considered late! It’s causing a lot of anxiety because I can’t front the payment anymore. She know this and is putting me in a bad situation. Kinda like what I did to myself when I gambled. Anyways, I’m glad I’m here with my Grandson. He’s worth it! No gambling or urges!!

[lizbeth4]

I had breakfast with a friend who lives in the same condo community as my Husband had Iived. We talked for 2 hours. This evening my Grandson has chess class and has a student council meeting before school tomorrow. We are having fun but by the evening, I’m tired! LOL! I so regret the time and money I lost to gambling! People say we should move forward but I think it is good to remember the pain and sorrow that this addiction causes. That makes me not want to gamble again. My month’s money will be tight because of my last gambling episode and I will cut corners and budget to make it. I don’t want to live like that anymore! My self imposed madness has stopped! No gambling=A good life!

[lizbeth4]

I tried to edit my post but couldn’t! My friend lives in the same condo community as my Husband and I did!

[lizbeth4]

Now I know why I dislike the city! Traffic and traffic!!! Everything is good. It’s a lot warmer here so I’ve been able to thaw out a bit. When I go home is up in the air as my Daughter and Ex Son In Law didn’t communicate well. I might be here for the weekend. My Grandson is funny. He keeps trying to get over with Grandma but I’m keeping him on his schedule. No gambling urges! Almost everything has cleared my bank. Onlyu 2 items left. I won’t have much left but I should be able to post and sell a few more items when I get home. Next month will be better financially. One day at a time!

[lizbeth4]

I’m leaving tomorrow morning for home. My Grandson is spending the weekend with his Dad! Today we are going to pay some video games after school. Then out for dinner. I’ve had gambling urges this morning but I won’t act on therm. I am stronger than the urges. I can do this!

[lizbeth4]

Having very strong gambling urges! I’m not leaving till some time this evening now. I don’t know where the urges are coming from. I know I won’t go to a casino in the city but I have to pass the one where I live. I have no cash on me but my debit card. I need to work through this!!! I hate this feeling!

[velvet]

Hey Lizbeth
I want to come on line tomorrow and read that you are safe. The urges will pass but the damage you will incur if you give in to them will be with you for months.
Look after yourself
Velvet

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Hope you got through the urges -just not worth it !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet and i-did-it! I’m fine! I’m home safe and gamble free. I live in a 4 stop light small town. Of course, the first light is the casino. The parking lot was full. I kept my course and went straight home. I’m tired and dealing with some major family issues (not my Mom this time). I pray that God will watch over my family members who are in turmoil now! Going to vegg today. No gambling =true peace!

[lizbeth4]

Tomorrow is my youngest Daughter’s birthday. I’m so proud of her Clean and sober and a great Mommy. The day after that is the 5 year anniversary of my Husband’s death. A happy time followed by a sad time. That why I’m having gambling urges!!! Dah! Why didn’t I figure that out sooner. 5 years of living without him. Starting a new life. A lot of sadness but many awesome, lovely memories that can never be taken from me. Also, we will be celebrating my Granddaughters 1st birthday on the 28th. I belive my Husband sent her to us to save my Daughter’s life and to bring me joy and happiness. She is our blessing. No way am I going to let gambling destroy this!!!

[lizbeth4]

The day was spent with my Mom, Daughter and Granddaughter. I made a awesome birthday dinner for my Daughter. I’m watching my Granddaughter while my Daughter and Mom are at the casino. Ironic, right? Honestly, it doesn’t bother me one bit. My gambling urges have subsided. I already see my finances getting better! I’ve paid all but 1 bill and arrangements have been on the remaining bill. Next month I will be able to put away a little money. Progress-little steps.

[lizbeth4]

So today I have a upset stomach and a lot of anxiety! I’m netting my Daughter (halfway, about 1 hour from here) to get the mortgage payment. It will be cash and I will have to pass the casino on the way back home. Temptation!!! I belong to a smaller bank so there is no access until I get back into town. Then I can deposit it into the ATM. Right now, I have no one to help me with accountability and my Daughter insists on giving me cash! I have to keep focused and on my path!!

[lizbeth4]

It’s the 5 year anniversary of my Husband’s death! Really struggling today.

[Johnny B]

Lizbeth,
There are always struggles to enter our mind and make us not think clearly. Your loss of you husband is a terrible thing and I hope you can find your way through this memory. Definitely think before you act. Gambling can cause much more sadness than is already present… Take a deep breath, and remember the good times with your husband!
God bless! Stay strong
Johnny B

[Johnny B]

Lizbeth,
There are always struggles to enter our mind and make us not think clearly. Your loss of you husband is a terrible thing and I hope you can find your way through this memory. Definitely think before you act. Gambling can cause much more sadness than is already present… Take a deep breath, and remember the good times with your husband!
God bless! Stay strong
Johnny B

[lizbeth4]

Johnny, Thanks for your post! Ugh!!! I screwed up again. No excuses! Luckily I was able to get back almost all of the money I initially lost. Doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know what the answer is for me!!! I’m not posting for a few days. I have to rethink what I want from this life. What is missing? I’m mentally drained.

[alliesmum]

Lizbeth don’t give up.
As someone who has tried and failed many times to stop gambling I know how you’re feeling today. It’s only day 11 for me today so it was too long ago I was in your shoes, I had relapsed again.
You don’t want to feel this way again do you? If not then you need to start back at day 1 and remember what helped you to succeed. What barriers need put back in place? What triggered you to gamble?
We all deserve a better life than what we get with gambling. YOU deserve a better life Lizbeth!
I know how hard it is to climb out of the darkness and back into the light but you can do it. It is worth it. You are worth it.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of places if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Stay positive

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth

This addiction seems unstoppable at times –
We all screw up sometimes in own way or another .
I find your post interesting as I feel there is so much missing from my life – maybe that’s what attracts us to gambling.
So glad you won your money back – makes the slip a little easier – keep going Lizbeth !

[Monica1]

Could have so easily have gone the other way Liz. And you would have felt dreadful. There is a lot missing from my life too but we have to keep going. One day at a time. No more, it is the enemy!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your posts and support! I am unhappy with myself for my recent gambling episode! I’m trying to focus on all of the positives in my life. There are a few major things going on in my life but I choose not to discuss them here. I feel overwhelmed and powerless recently. I guess some things are out of my control. I have to have faith that I will get through this.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth I think that life overwhelms us all sometimes and it is during those times that it is more important just to take one day at a time because no amount of worrying changes anything. Your slip is over and belongs in yesterday, there is nothing you can do to change it – but maybe what you can do is sit down and list the positives in your life to help you focus on what is important and also to remind yourself how well you have been doing.

Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet for your post! The positive things in my life outweigh the negative things. I have a lot to be grateful for. I need to remember that. I’m watching my Granddaughter while my Daughter works . She is launching her own handyman services. I’ve referred her to everyone I know here and by word of mouth she has a few jobs. I’m kind of on call to babysit as she might be called for a job the day before. I don’t mind as I want to help her. I have my weekends free. My Mother is no longer watching the baby for long periods of time. She had a marked increase of forgetfulness. I believe it is just age related. But my Sister came for a visit and saw the difference in her. I will keep a eye on her as I do have medical power of attorney. I was thinking and I do have a lot to keep me occupied besides my Granddaughter. I have a lot of books on my Kindle (I love to read), computer games (not gambling orientated), I love daily walks and the weather is getting nicer. I can get my garden soil ready and decide what I’m planting this year. Also, the park will start having free concerts starting in 2 months. A lot to occupy my time! I feel like today is a new start for me!!! Feeling positive!

[Monica1]

It is very good to see our children getting on. I have seen that today with my boys and it makes me proud and happy. Yes, forgetfulness comes with age. I have decided to see what I can do to fight that one. Your slip I am sure was related to the 5 year anniversary and all of us on this site feel for you Liz. Next time, remember the anniversary by not gambling. Replace the grief with a positive, and not s negative. Gambling is the enemy!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post! Today I woke with gambling thoughts. I have no motivation. I feel blah! I will run a few errands but I will stay away from the casino. I don’t understand what’s going on in my brain. I’m holding on. Trying to get financially straightened out. Gambling can’t be a part of my life. I feel like I’m on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Just drifting! I feel like I’m not connecting to anyone. I just don’t make the effort. I’m content in staying home all weekend and watching Netflix while there are things to do. Blah!!!!

[Monica1]

There really is nothing wrong with doing nothing. Motivation is difficult cos gambling takes that away from us, it is like we have to really fight to get back who we are. I don’t think we can get back to who we were, we just rediscover New things about ourselves. I find support invaluable and that means counselling support too. I have had a few thoughts too but I don’t want to know, not at all. I say yes to life and no to destruction.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica. I continue my counseling but I feel like I am stuck, not progressing. It’s okay not to do anything but when you’re feeling like that most of the time, it isn’t good. I’ve caused most of my pain and worries from gambling. You think I’d learn my lessons but I’ve had too many slips. I’m really getting so tired mentally. I need to stop this cycle!!

[Monica1]

Having been stuck in destitution for 7 months, i get the stuckness. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back. I have written a plan for this year, most of it things for me that make me feel better about myself, simple things, hairdo, massage etc. No courses (was always doing courses). To find a place where we feel content within ourselves, that is a real challenge in todays world. Yes, we have caused our pain but we cant keep beating ourselves up over it. We just have to take one step at a time. Gambling solves nothing and just creates more havoc, more depression, more anxiety. I no longer want that for me or anyone on this site.
As soon as I can afford it I am going to see someone (a kinesiologist and homeopath) who can help with the anxiety and getting myself physically, mentally and emotionally back on track. I also seem to have anxiety daily over something or another. Pre gambling I was never like this! We have to try and help ourselves. How about looking for a job? You were talking about it a few weeks ago?

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
Gambling aside, you talk about lots of positive things in your life – especially your grandchildren .
It makes me wonder about that feeling of being stuck .
It is something I feel often – I feel I should be making some kind of huge progress – but in truth perhaps I should settle and enjoy what I now have .
I always seem to be chasing something – whether it’s further qualifications, a better home, more money -and all the time I’m chasing I am thinking the solution is a big win.
Your post today had really struck a chord with me and made me question if this is a trait of gambling addiction – the theme of being stuck comes up often –
Do you think maybe his is what is meant by acceptance ? Being content with where we are ?
Perhaps it’s good to constantly want to improve ?

Please don’t think I’m judging – I’m just really interested in your thoughts on this – as I feel permanently stuck in so many areas of my life . I’m wondering if the secret might be to change how we perceive where we are at ?
It certainly would make my mind more peaceful ?

I would be interested in your opinion .

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica and Lizbeth
We seem to be all posting together .
Could u go to “explore the groups ”
Then”view as list”
Then we could chat on the top / first open group ( any language ) ?

[lizbeth4]

Sorry i-did-it. I just came on the site. It looks like your post was some time ago. Monica and i-did-it, I feel like I haven’t been content in my life for a long time. Maybe that’s why I feel stuck? I always feel like something is missing or that I need to achieve something. Maybe I should accept what I have instead of thinking there has to be more to this life! I do have a full life. I choose to not participate. I always thought if I had more money, I would be happier and more content. Well, I had money and I wasn’t any happier. In fact, it just made me more self destructive. I do believe in self care and self improvement. I am still thinking about a part time job. I would have to find something that would work with my Daughter’s schedule so I can babysit. Right now it is crucial to be present for my Daughter as she needs the support. I’ve always dreamed about living a glamorous life. Ha ha! I’m not glamorous. I’m just a small town girl and there’s nothing wrong with that ! I guess self acceptance is crucial to our recovery.

[lizbeth4]

I’m trying to start a new thread. I went to new topics. It won’t let me type anything. ???????

[lizbeth4]

Today I am having urges. I know what is triggering me. Instead of saving money next month, I am in the hole again. From my last gambling episode! My mind is telling me to chase the win! It’s telling me that I can win back the money and some extra to get me out of the hole. We know that I will just be deeper in the hole. I have to stop this vicious cycle now!!!!! I sold 3 pieces of nice costume jewelry . Nothing I wear and I received a fair price. It helps!! I’m stopping the cycle now!!! I don’t want the terrible feelings that occur when I gamble haunting me anymore! Contentment and peace is what I need!

[lizbeth4]

I made it through the day without gambling. I fought the urges all day! I kept myself busy with errands and tasks. I consciously made every effort to not gamble. I feel like I’m on the cusp of really doing it this time! I know it’s within my reach. If I just stay my course, I can be back on track financially. I love being present for my Daughter’s and Grandchildren. I want them to have good memories of me when I’m gone.

[lizbeth4]

I need to post everyday and write down what I’m experiencing so I can come back and re-read. I woke wanting to gamble. Horrible feeling! I am babysitting most of the day so I’m hoping the urges subside. It’s supposed to be nice outside so we might go for a walk. I prayed and prayed that I am strong enough to get through this! I know the consequences and I don’t think that I can go through another gambling episode. I am close to the brink of causing great, irreversible damage. Not only to myself but to other people I love. I have to be stronger than the monster!

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t gambled. Though I’ve wanted to. Today I’m watching my Granddaughter so my Daughter can work. No gambling today. I can’t edit or start a new thread using my phone anymore. Also as of tomorrow, I’ll have no internet for 2 weeks. Hopefully I can connect using my cell service. I’m getting rid of my cable and will be only streaming video. I’m going with a new provider and I want to wait till the 5th so the billing date will work with my budget. I can save $70 per month and as I only watch 2 channels on cable, it won’t be a big deal. Today I will believe in myself and what I’m capable of!

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t gamble today! I spent a fun day with my Granddaughter. I’ve sold another piece of jewelry that I purchased on EBay several years ago and never wore. I deposited the money into my checking account. I’m going to make good use of my time without cable and internet. I intend on cleaning out every cabinet, drawer and closet in my home. I will either trash, sell or donate every item. I don’t want to struggle financially anymore or juggle bills because of gambling. I want to put a end to that. I can, if I stay true to myself and keep on my path.

[Monica1]

I am envious because you have so much to sell and I have nothing! Well done for keeping gambling free. I think clearing out everything is such a good idea and going digital free for a while is very healthy. When we clear our clutter we clear up a who,e lot of other things too. I should do it!

[Dunc]

Hi

We are aware and looking into your issue “ I can’t edit or start a new thread using my phone anymore”

Could I ask you to fill in this form so I have device and browser information  

 

Kind Regards

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Harry and Monica. Monica, I bought a lot of stuff after my Husband died. Between gambling and shopping l wasted a lot of time and money. These items that I’ve been selling are just things to me. Things that I’ve never used or worn. I’ve donated bags of clothing and household items. I notice that I wear 1/4 of what’s in my closet and wear little jewelry. It’s just taking up space. I have 10 books downloaded on my reader and a few books on hand. I love to read. Between cleaning, organizing, reading and getting my garden ready, I should be busy where having no internet for 2 1/2 weeks shouldn’t be a problem. I’ve really struggled with gambling this last week. April will be a trying month. I can pay everything as I’ve asked for my debt consultation to be reduced for 1 month but I won’t have a lot extra. But I can do this!!! I will feel a lot better about myself. I want to be a good example for my Grandchildren.

[lizbeth4]

Typo: consolidation

[kathryn]

Thank you!
I’m still following you, reading your posts, cheering you on!
Keep believing in yourself, you are so worth it my friend!
I’m ok, still in a bit of shock I think, my mum was my world and I’m having a hard time adjusting to this world without her.
I look at her picture every morning and shake my head in disbelief.
I have just had a beautiful week away camping which I really needed. To just ‘be’ was a lovely feeling.
Even though I’m not around, I’m following one thread….yours.
So know that while I may not be posting, I’m checking in on you, often.
Stay strong, stay positive, and if you need me, post it and I’ll be here.
Love K xxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn, Your post is what I needed right now! Your support means the world to me. Thank you for taking the time to post on my thread. I know you are going through a hard time right now. I was so worried about you. I’m glad that you were able to go camping and just “be”. Grieving is so hard! Take care of yourself! I really believe that I’m going to stay gamble free this time. Something feels different inside of me. I turned in the cable and internet equipment this morning. Wow! It is so quiet here. I had the TV on all the time but didn’t watch it. I plan on staying TV free for 2 weeks or more before I get the equipment from the new internet company, which has to be mailed to me. I plan to keep busy. Tomorrow, I’m cleaning up the front and 2 side yards. Sunday I’m doing my Daughter’s taxes and housework. Next weekend is my Granddaughter’s birthday party and the next day is Easter. My oldest Daughter and Grandson will be here. I’m making dinner for us all. This is so much better than sitting in a casino!

[lizbeth4]

So last night was strange without the TV going. I feel asleep reading. Also, since I am using my cellular data instead of the internet, I have to watch my usage. I’m still in my PJs, thinking about things. I have to wait till noon when it’s warmer outside to pull weeds in the yard. I’m doing some laundry then I’m going to tackle cleaning out some drawers. I talk to a good friend last night and I’m going to spend a few days in May with her. We’ve been friends for 29 years and more like sisters!!! Can’t wait! No gambling thoughts today.

[lizbeth4]

Still can’t edit.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
Well done on not gambling – those urges can be so strong .
I think it is very cathartic to get rid of possessions and even better when we can get some cash for them.
Long term friendships are the best – I still have some of my best friends from primary school , and although we don’t live close to each other or even stay in touch much , when we meet the years just fall away . I hope you have a lovely time with your friend .
It makes me think about all the friends who have come and gone on here since I joine d this site – I am unsure exactly how long ago that is but it is the best part of a decade ago. I hope they have all gone on to better times .

Lisbeth , when you look back over your journey , you have come such a long way ! I always admire your motivation to get up and do stuff in the garden and your motivation to be actively involved with your grandchildren
.
Life is good Lisbeth – and you deserve it.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it! Half way done racking the remaining leaves in my back yard. I will be pruning in April. My 99 year old next door neighbor is in a care center as she has a blood clot in her lungs. She is a sweetie! Never had children and has outlived 4 husband’s. Was quite the golfer in her younger days in this town. I hope she can come back home to live the rest of her life out. Like she wants. Although yard work and gardening are threputic for me it’s also very tiring. Well, my break is over! Happy and gamble free.

[lizbeth4]

Ok. So, something strange happened. I had lunch and was craving something sweet but wasn’t going out to get anything. I had a notification that a woman wanted to buy 2 pairs (New) sandles I had posted. She asked if I would deliver because she was working. Everything is 5 mins from me. Guess what? She owns the fudge factory. She payed me and gave me free homemade fudge (strawberry and creme) Delicious!!! See, the little things can bring happiness!!! The last time I gambled, I was miserable the whole time. No fun! Everyone around me was so sad. You could feel it in the air. I don’t want to experience that again!

[Monica1]

Lovely story Liz. It is the small positive things and the surprises in our day that make life worth living.
Are you still going to be able to post when you become digital free?

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, I’ve been digital free for 2 days now. I’m using my phone and cellular service to post. I didn’t read the fine print with the new company. I have to prepay a month in advance so I might be digital free until May ist. That’s ok. I can deal with it. I raked up 5 large yard trash bags of leaves and Pine needles from my back yard yesterday. At least I’m being productive instead of sitting in front of the TV like I do!

[lizbeth4]

So, I’m not completely digital free. I can text and go on sites with my phone. At least I’m not completely shut off from the world!

[Monica1]

I would be concerned if you were completely without Support. Like you and idi, this is my main Support and I really miss it when I can’t post. You must be the yard queen, well done. I wish I had the tenacity to get up and do the chores that need to be done.

[Monica1]

I would be concerned if you were completely without Support. Like you and idi, this is my main Support and I really miss it when I can’t post. You must be the yard queen, well done. I wish I had the tenacity to get up and do the chores that need to be done.

[lizbeth4]

It’s still very new and very quiet. Now I realize that my TV was on all the time! Now I’m going to clean the house as I will be busy babysitting this week. Someone was interested in something I was selling. Mind you, it was brand new and I priced it on the low side. She wanted to give me hardly nothing for it. I said no. I’d rather keep it. Very frustrating. Maybe that is why she was driving a pricy car. Lol!!!

[Anonymous]

This is Geordie.

I’ve come close to posting to you many times but never wanted to expose my identity.

However I can bite my tongue no longer about “that” situation.

Despite your recent issues and setbacks Liz, you are a determined woman and I’ve as much confidence in you to get things sorted as I have in anybody.

You are a strong and determined woman, you’ll get on top of this LIzbeth.

I doubt I’ll ever be back on GT, you are one of several people I doubt I’ll ever forget.

Take care, goodbye.

Geordie.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Geordie for your post as it means a lot to me. We’ve been through a lot. I will never forget your encouragement and support. I feel like this time is the time that I succeed at staying gamble free. Geordie, take care and you are missed!

[lizbeth4]

I spent the night with my Mother as she wasn’t feeling well. Today she is much better. We had lunch togeth and talked for awhile. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like our telationship was real. If that makes sense. I’m home now. No gambling thoughts. I am upset the 1 creditor that isn’t on my debt consolidation, because they refused to accept is being a pain. I can’t make my payment this month so they are threatening a judgement against me for $600. I’ve read the laws in my state. I have 30 days to respond once I am served and another 45 days before it goes to court. Then they can garnish me. I’m hoping my state tax refund is here by that time. I’ve paid over $900 towards the debt already. So ruthless! I’m not borrowing anymore money and I can’t juggle any bills to pay them. It is what it is. This is what happens when you gamble with bill money. I’ll face the consequences. Another reason to not gamble!

[lizbeth4]

Didn’t sleep well. I’m a worrier but you can only do with what you have. So now I’m letting go of my worries and giving it to God. I’m meeting up with a young woman this morning to give her 2 bags of baby clothes that my Granddaughter has outgrown. It makes me feel good to do little things like that. My Daughter and Granddaughter have been in the city for 4 days and are coming back soon. I miss them! Later today I’m cleaning and reorganizing my kitchen cabinets and drawers. I don’t know why but my head is in a haze today. I’m in blah mood. No gambling thoughts or urges though. That’s a good thing!

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t get much accomplished today. I’m really unhappy with myself for my financial mess. I know that I can dig out but I will have challenges, like this creditor. I will have to pay them before the judgement is handed down. I think I will be able to but that means other things will have to wait. Baby steps, right? It’s mentally exhausting thinking about this. I got myself in this mess, now I have to get myself out of it. Maybe not having internet and cable is giving me more time to think. Lol! Going to bed early tonight.

[lizbeth4]

Another restless night! I need to come to peace with my situation. Today is my Granddaughter’s 1st Birthday (although her party is on Saturday). I’m so thankful to have her in my life. Not having cable and internet sucks. Although I am cutting out the cable and just streaming video. I won’t have any services till May because of my misunderstanding about the upfront payment. But it will save me money monthly. In May, 1 of my high interest loans will be paid off, so more money will be freed up. Today, I’m going to concentrate on the positives in my life. The people i love. My good health. I have a lot of positive for sure and I don’t take them for granted. I haven’t been thinking of gambling the last few days which is good as I seem to when I am stressed. I’m figuring that within 3 years if I keep gamble free and stay on my course, I will be debt free. I will be 63 (Wow) but I will still have some years left in me to enjoy it. My motto, seize the day!

[lizbeth4]

Sara, Your post has given me a new perspective on my debt. I am doing everything I can to repay my debt. Even though it’s hard and sometimes challenging, I’m doing my best! That’s all I can do. I feel like I need to clear my debts as I made them and bankruptcy isn’t for me. I will have inner peace when I do. But right now, I need to remember that I’m doing my best! Thank you!

[Monica1]

You, i and Sara are around the same age. Like Sara, even though I am seven and a half months gambling free I still have not been able to address my debts and they are all on hold because of my precarious situation. So, ***** your blessings lol. I would love to be in a position where I could pay off my debts but for me I don’t think that is possible. They amount to around 75 grand. You are doing great by cleaning out things which is so therapeutic, like taking a broom to our lives. Wel” done on staying gamble free.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I’m $26,000 in debt that includes my car, it doesn’t include the mortgage on the city house. I owed a lot more but have paid it down. I have a mortgage on the house my oldest Daughter and Grandson live in but she pays me every month and then I make the payment. Money!!! My day started off good. My Daughter and Granddaughter came home. We had lunch together. I sold a piece of costume jewelry for $20. My Daughter was broke so I gave it to her. I checked my bank account and the debt consolidation company took out my monthly payment twice which overdrew my account. I called and tried to get it corrected but the lady in charge wasn’t there. Big mess! They acted so nonchalant about It! Someone will call me tomorrow. Yeah, I will be calling back if I don’t hear from someone in the morning. Luckily, I had some cash on me and was able to purchase the food for Easter dinner. I helped my Daughter bathe my Granddaughter and get her ready for bed and it helped me to get in a better mood. I had no gambling thoughts and no money!!!

[Monica1]

How annoying Liz and I bet when you finally speak to the right person they will not get the grief they cause by their actions. Hope you get it sorted. Glad you have Easter Dinner. You are a great person Liz and you know, as do I, how important family is.

[lizbeth4]

The company apologized for the mistake. Now I have to fax a copy of my bank statement, which means I have to go to the bank. They will review it and refund my money. They have no sense of urgency, ect. Can give me no time frame. They don’t care that this effects my other bills, like a domino effect. I’m basically screwed!!! I’m upset and I had a anxiety attack last night. I have no options. I feel a little defeated today. Must get in a better mood as I’m going to the Dr’s this afternoon with my Daughter and Granddaughter for her 1 year appointment and shots.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post on my thread. I have also had something annoying happen involving money. My timesheet for two,days last week,should he be authorised for last week andhasnt been. I got quite anxious about this as well. I made the call calmly. I have to go over the easterbreak now not knowing why it hasn’t been authorised leading to delayed payment. Very annoying and does cause anxiety but it will get sorted outa d we have to hold that thought. It will get sorted out, maybe not when it should have been, but it will.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica. Yes, it will get sorted out. My Granddaughter’s appointment went well. She had to have 4 shots. She cried a little but was over it quickly. Saturday is her delayed birthday party. Sunday is Easter. My oldest Daughter and Grandson and her partner will be here for the weekend. I’m going to forget any worries and just enjoy my family. My oldest Daughter is a excellent cook and she’s making something just for me for Easter dinner as I don’t eat meat. Very thoughtful as I was just going to eat the side dishes. I’ve lost 15 pounds in 6 Months and do feel better! Today, I didn’t think of gambling. I enjoyed the nice weather and my family. It was a good day!

[lizbeth4]

Today, I didnt wake with worries. I’ve decided that I can’t live like that anymore. I want to live in contentment and joy. I have a lot of things to be joyful for. Also, I can’t solve others problems. They are for that person to solve. I can help and I can listen and be there for them. I can only do my best everyday. Somethings ate out of my control. Life is to short to be stressed out about the worries of the what if’s! Stress leads me to gambling thoughts. Maybe this is a catalyst for myself.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your post! I’ve done all of my tasks for today. I even went to our local Women’s and children’s shelter and donated 5 bags of clothing. I must be bored now. I’ve hooked up the WIIU and have been playing Mario games. LOL! I’m buying a DVD player on payday so I can play the Disney movies for her. I can even rent a movie once in awhile. This will work till I get internet again. I have puzzle games and books on my Kindle and I’m doing crossword puzzles. After this weekend I will be busy for a couple weeks, trimming back fruit trees and doing my decluttering!! No time for gambling thoughts!

[lizbeth4]

Playing movies for my Granddaughter!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
It kinda amazes me how many people on here play video games-
I think I missed the whole gaming movement as I was busy with my “habit “. It sounds like it could be fun .
I am going to take on board what you and Sara have said about worrying – there is no point in us getting ourselves all worked up when we can’t change things – question though – how do we actually stop worrying? How do we stop the thoughts going around and around in our heads ?

I hope you enjoy your video games – I am addicted to Netflix right now but it is a lot cheaper than gambling. .

Onwards and upwards !
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. My type of gaming is cheap. I’m playing games that were paid for a long time ago. No new games. My Grandson has moved forward in technology and has a PS4. I have no clue how to play it and don’t care to learn. I miss Netflix. How do you stop worrying? It’s hard. I have to try and let go of the thoughts when they come. Usually when I’m trying to sleep. I am not extremely religious but I ask God to take my worries from me. I believe that everything is going to work out. It may not be the way I want but it’s the way it should be. I guess having faith! This afternoon is my Granddaughter’s 1st Birthday party. We are going to the park. I will be happy to see my Grandson. My youngest Daughter is not working. She is doing her handyman services again and is having a rough time finding jobs. I’m helping her as much as i can. Praying for her. Focusing on this weekend and my family. No gambling thoughts.

[lizbeth4]

Really thinking-part time job! ??

[lizbeth4]

Sara, I’ve had little support from my family. My Sister and youngest Daughter try to understand. My oldest Daughter has thrown it in my face. Both of my Daughter’s are recovering drug addicts. You’d think there would be more understanding from them. I was there for both of them and my Husband and I raised my Grandson the first 4 years of his life because of her addiction. I was raised by a alcoholic Stepfather and had many Uncles who were alcoholics and many cousins who are drug users. My addiction is gambling. Although I love my family, they obviously don’t look at gambling as a addiction. I rely on my friends here for nonjudgemental support. Today was good. My Granddaughter’s birthday party was fun. There were a few snide comments from my oldest but we are all just used to it. Sadly she is one unhappy person. Have you ever tried to love someone and they do everything they can to block it? They can’t accept it. She has some issues which sadly affect my Grandson and I can’t do a damn thing about it but keep giving my love. Tomorrow, I’m spending as much time as I can with my Grandson. They are camping tonight and doing a hike tomorrow before coming back over. I fidnt mean to rant. Life can be so frustrating sometimes. Those are the times I used to gamble. No more!

[lizbeth4]

So, my last post was pretty sad but was my life experience. I just want to wish everyone a Happy Easter. May today be spent with people you love.

[lizbeth4]

Sara, You are probably making a wise decision in not telling your family about your addiction. Showing them with your actions is a positive step. That is and was my life but that’s my experience and it has shaped me into who I am. I have a lot of empathy towards someone with a addiction. Bad things happen to good people. People just don’t understand the totality of the gambling addiction. We do as we’ve lived it! You can’t chose your family but I’m blessed with a few close and living friends. I was and am a good Mother and Grandmother. I take pride in that. My oldest Daughter has a chip on her shoulder. Not just for me but the world. It is something she needs to deal with. I feel a disconnect with her but I’ve tried to fix it and can’t. My Grandson forever holds a piece of m y heart and soul. He know that. Today, I will enjoy and love my family for we dont know how much time we have left. No gambling thoughts!!

[lizbeth4]

Loving friends!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz, I’m due for a catch up but have my whole family coming over later for very casual get together. One pot meal! Chili. I’ve decided it’s about the company, not the meal this Easter. And that is something I need to remind myself. If you are coming to visit my house you are in the wrong place.

You asked about getting into the groups. I find them hard to get into so I will just post the link I use! I’m hoping this will work. Click the link. As long as you are logged in it will show the times in your time zone. If you are not logged in it will show in UK London times. Scroll to top of page and click the purple “button” that says view as list. This will list any open groups at the time. Look for one that says open group in english and join. A lot of us meet in the 10pm London time group. The earlier ones are facilitated which are great for getting structural help or support.

https://www.gettogethablog.com/en/online-support-groups-problem-gamblers-their-friends-and-family

Happy Easter Liz. Keep up the good work. You are still here fighting the good fight. Catch up soon.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for the online chat details. I will pop in sometime this week. Easter dinner was awesome, ham, scalloped potatoes, fresh veggies, salad and rolls. I sent the remaining ham home with my oldest Daughter and my Mother. Everyone enjoyed themselves. I had some bonding time with my Grandson. I’ve decided in addition to calling him every week, I will send him a card every week with a positive message. We call him the baby whisperer. Lol! As he always rocks his baby cousin to sleep. I’m at peace today. Tomorrow is payday. My bills will be paid first then grocery shopping and I’m buying a DVD player (cheap) for my treat. Not much will be left but I will have everything I need!

[lizbeth4]

So today after paying bills and monthly expenses, I fall a little short again. Next month 1 of my high interest loans will be paid off and I haven’t received my tax refund, which I want to save. There is only 1 solution: a job. I’m thinking part time. Wednesday, I’m putting my application in person at a local establishment. I met the manager as I sold a necklace to her. As most jobs are seasonal due to our winters, I would have a good 6 months of work. It’s something I’ve never done before. I will divulge more if I get the job. Doing a little grocery shopping and faxing bank statement to try and get the money mistake made a few days ago reversed. That would help this month. No gambling thoughts today!

[lizbeth4]

Having a rough time!!! Ugh!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your considerate post. I’m just stating how I’m feeling. Right now I want to keep things to myself and try to work through it. Today was productive. I put 2 job applications in and I hope to get interviews next week. They are both seasonal jobs. My Daughter and I took my Granddaughter to the park. She loves the baby swings. I received a email that the company that took out 2 payments from my checking received the info they wanted and it will take several days to return the money to my account. We will see! In a couple weeks I’m planning to have a yard sale and get rid of a lot of stuff. I’ve decided that I don’t need things anymore. I only wear 1/4 of my closet and use little of my stuff. Time to purge. Also, it’s easier to clean with less things. LOL! Tomorrow my Granddaughter is spending the night with me. Fun! Going to take a nap. Headache!

[Monica1]

I only wear about about one tenth of mine, I tend to wear favourite things until they fall off me. Good luck with the job applications!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica, I felt like the one Supervisor who took my application was discouraging. She kept telling me the downside of the job as it is physical. Almost like she felt that maybe I’m too old to do it. Im in good shape and have endurance. I hope that I am wrong.

[lizbeth4]

My Granddaughter and I had a slumber party last night and watched Finding Dory on my computer. Fun! I need to get internet soon as my cellular data is running out fast. Maybe I can budget it in sometime this month. I’ve been reflecting a lot on how I want the rest of my life to go. I know that gambling can’t have a role in it! I would like to do some traveling in the states as there are many places I’ve never seen. I love road trips and I don’t mind traveling solo. Most of all, I just want to live a contented and peaceful life. My Daughter and Granddaughter and I have been going to the park and for walks. We are going to get a hiking carrier for my Granddaughter as we have many hiking trails here. It’s beautiful country with streams, rivers, lakes, mountains and forests. I don’t have to travel to find beautiful nature. It’s all around me. I guess I didn’t appreciate it before when I was gambling.

[lizbeth4]

Frustrated! I received my refund from the debt consolidation company. Now, they haven’t taken out this months payment which is taken out on the 3rd. I called and talked to a representative and they said it was scheduled for the 3rd. Well it’s the 6th. They are looking into it! My creditors want their money. What we agreed on. I’ve never had any problems with them for 1 year and now having issues!!! So stressed!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara! I’m not posting on others threads right now as I am saving my phone data. I’m hoping to have internet by the end of the month. The supervisor called me from the debt consolidation company and says it will be taken care of. I won’t know for sure till Monday when I can go online to my bank account. I’m not stressing anymore. I was very productive today. I sold 6 items. Someone in town just opened a boutique and bought 3 necklaces that I made. She wants me to make more but it’s so time consuming and expensive. I just don’t think I would make a profit. But it was awesome that she was so impressed by my work. I’m having a yard sale on the next 2 weeks. My spare bedroom contains things I am gathering. It’s good to purge. I’ve collected so much over the years. I feel the need to downsize. Whatever is left will be donated. I did yard work in my backyard, trimming shrubs and bushes. Everything is blooming and beautiful. Tomorrow will be spent pruning back 11 rose bushes and spraying them as they have developed some sort of fungi. Keeping up with my yard and home keeps me gamble free plus I enjoy doing it!

[lizbeth4]

So I just checked my bank account. My deposit isn’t showing. There isn’t enough money for the debt consolidation payment to go through. What the heck is going on? It’s closed on the weekends so I have to wait till Monday. I can’t worry all weekend. I have to let it go so I can enjoy my weekend. Boy, this is frustrating!!

[lizbeth4]

So, being gamble free has brought a level of contentment in my life. Although I find joy in things, deep down something is missing. I’m not passionate about anything. I haven’t found my purpose in life. I want more! Where do I look? I’m empty inside. There has to be more for me. I refuse to think that this is it!! Sometimes I think that maybe I should sell my home and buy a RV and travel the United States. Then I say, oh, I’m too old to do that. I keep second guessing myself. I’m putting limits on myself. So, I keep living my mundane life and try to stay busy and try to be there for everyone (family) and continue to put myself last. Somehow I feel this has something to do with my gambling addiction. I need to figure this out.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

That was why I relapse many times in the past, I was feeling empty and I had tried to self medicate with slot machine.

The more I focus on the emptiness, the more discontented and unstable I become.

Today I learn to be grateful for the emptiness and boredom that gambling free days has brought me in comparison to the despair, agony, disappointment, stress and debts that gambling has given me.

I am safe today because I was able to focus on the all the good things in life that I feel staying gamble free has given me. I need to stay focus!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Mundane is better than devastation and gambling is devastation. Be open to thoughts of what you would like to do and then maybe set about making it happen. It would be great to get posts from different states as you travel around if that is really what you want to do – age is no excuse.
I have been watching a blue-tit preparing her nest for when her chicks are born and she made me feel ashamed; she hasn’t stopped, just a little ball of feathers and energy flitting in and out of the nest box with bits of moss, bashing them into a cosy shape before heading out again into a world fraught with danger. I’m not like her! Today it hasn’t stopped drizzling and I have no get-up-and-go, I can’t be bothered.
So I am now going to walk my dog and tell her my dreams, a mundane thing to do maybe but it will give me (and her) pleasure, even if it doesn’t light up the sky.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Mundane is better than devastation and gambling is devastation. Be open to thoughts of what you would like to do and then maybe set about making it happen. It would be great to get posts from different states as you travel around if that is really what you want to do – age is no excuse.
I have been watching a blue-tit preparing her nest for when her chicks are born and she made me feel ashamed; she hasn’t stopped, just a little ball of feathers and energy flitting in and out of the nest box with bits of moss, bashing them into a cosy shape before heading out again into a world fraught with danger. I’m not like her! Today it hasn’t stopped drizzling and I have no get-up-and-go, I can’t be bothered.
So I am now going to walk my dog and tell her my dreams, a mundane thing to do maybe but it will give me (and her) pleasure, even if it doesn’t light up the sky.
Velvet

[i-did-it]

Hi Lisbeth
I think maybe we need to refind ourselves many times in our life . I have always felt so privileged to do the work I do- not many people work their vocation every day if their lives – but recently there has been some shift in my thinking – I no longer want to do this work, it doesn’t bring the fulfilment it once did and I feel that emptiness – that lacking a sense of purpose .

Perhaps selling your house is a step too far but perhaps not !
Try doing this – close your eyes and remember a time you felt complete happiness and contentment – it could be recently or decades ago . Now stay in the moment and take in the sights , smells and sounds .what were you doing , who were you doing it with ? This might help you find what you would really like to do or at least identity what you might like to do as a hobby.

I came across a quote by Oprah today

“do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do”
Of course Lizbeth perhaps you are doing just enough and being just enough but with our self esteem issues we cannot see that ?

I hope you feel a lot more positive !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin and Velvet for your posts! Mundane is better than the gambling devastation. Something that i am still recovering from. I won’t go into details. Everything can be paid if I follow the right path. Hopefully, I will be fixed too! I keep making excuses to follow my dreams. I’m putting restrictions on myself. Why am I scared? I know life is fragile and your whole world could change in a minute. My neighbor, Who is a older than me, lost her Husband 2 years ago and her 50 year old son 2 weeks ago as he had Barres syndrome. Her family were one of the first to welcome me here, 4 years ago. I brought her a card and we talked for awhile. Her family is with her now but I know how she will feel in the weeks and months to come. I told her I am always here if she wants to talk. I spent the morning doing more yard work. The geese are carrying on at the pond. They are amazing animals if you watch them. I’m going to fix some lunch and rest. I’m physically and mentally tired.

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, I think we were posting at the same time. When I close my eyes and think of a time where I was content and my happiest, I am at a beach with my Husband. I would love to live there but it is way too pricy for my budget. I could never afford it! I would like to rent a RV for 1 month and see how it is to travel in one. I would do that before I sold my home. I’m a all in or nothing type person. Which can be a bad thing. I never pursued my job goals: teacher or a police officer. I went for a career were there was more money, benefits, and a pension. I love the quote by Oprah. You are right about the self esteem issues. I’ve never thought I was enough and always settled for less than I deserved. Thanks for your post. It gives me a lot to think about. I hope you find what you are looking for to fulfill you.

[Monica1]

Well, we all seem to be in the same boat. Finding a sense of purpose and fulfilment. We have to right on the inside before the outside follows, I know that, it’s one of those truths I know like the certainty of death and taxes. But it is about what we do now. I never fulfilled what I was meant to do in this life, I know that but it is about what we do now. Finding a passion isn’t easy. There are a number of things I was passionate about and learning and then I wasn’t as they were flawed and didn’t deliver the healing they promised. So we need to go within, peace resides there but on a human level we do need to self actualise, to find something we are passionate about and then live it. Maybe we have looked to leaders in the past and now in the U.K. and US We have idiot leaders so that is difficult. No role models to follow, no values except the buck.
I would take this time to experiment. Can you improve your necklace making process so it isn’t so time consuming isn’t? Just a thought…

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your posts! I’ve been thinking and personally, I can’t make any life changing moves till my debt is paid off. Roughly 2 years from now. It’s a big dark cloud over my head. If I’m debt free and sell my home, I might be able to live near the ocean. I would have to live in a small apartment or rent a room from someone but it’s doable. Or I could go the small motor home route. I’m not attached to material things. My family pictures and my collection of perfume bottles are the things I would need besides a few clothes and personal items. Everything else could be sold or donated. Dreams!! Monica, my bead work days are done. It’s a lot of work and the beads and stuff are expensive if you’re going to make quality, nice looking pieces. I worked for a long time in my yard the past 2 days and I’m almost done. It looks great! Today my Daughter and Granddaughter come home. It will be good to see them. I’ve decided that today I will be grateful for my life, health and family and friends. I will value myself and all of my accomplishments and future experiences. I won’t dwell on the negatives.

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m going to be grateful! I’m going to stop complaining as there are people who are going through a lot! My next door neighbor is 99 years old and was recently placed in a care center because of health issues. Her only relative is her 69 year old Step Daughter. She came from the city today to check on the house. After talking to her I felt so ashamed of thinking my problems are so bad. Her 34 year old Son committed suicide 6 months ago. Her breast cancer is back and she’ll be having chemo and radiation again. Her youngest Grandchild, 15 months old was diagnosed with a rare disease, which there is no cure. OMG, I cried with her and just held her. It is heartbreaking. My suffering is self made-gambling!, I don’t know how this woman is functioning.

[Monica1]

You are so right, i will pray for your friend. It is a matter of perspective.

[lizbeth4]

I was busy all day! Transporting items from my Mom’s house and her neighbors home for the big yard sale this weekend. Thank goodness my Daughter is helping. We’ve priced everything. I have a long, covered driveway so there is room for everything. We are going to set up Thursday so we can start it early Friday morning. Making a little cash and purging at the same time. I’m tired! Played with my Granddaughter part of the day. These are things I would never do if I were gambling! I bought a DVD player yesterday and I’ve rented some movies for tonight. Going to relax.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your post! I could have bought thousands of DVD players with the money I’ve wasted gambling. The little things like watching a movie or tearing myself to fancy tea or dessert brings me a lot more happiness that gambling. The little things in life!!

[lizbeth4]

Treating

[i-did-it]

Just catching up on your thread Lizbeth. Good luck with the yard sale ! Great way to declutter and I hope you make lots of money !

[lizbeth4]

Hi i-did-it! Well, I made $200 today with the yard sale. My Daughter’s car insurance was due so I gave her 1/2 of it. So, I made $100 today and got rid of stuff. Anything left over after tomorrow will be donated. My Daughter and Granddaughter spent the night as we had to start early for the yard sale. We made dinner together and rented a scary movie as those are her favorites. I had fun! I’m tired! No gambling thoughts or urges!

[Monica1]

Delighted to hear how well the yard sale went. Hope the next day does just as well. Keep us posted!

[lizbeth4]

Today, I made $110 with the yard sale. We’ve packed up the remainder of the yard sale for donation. I will drop it off on Monday. Ive rented another movie and I’m settling in for the night. Tomorrow I’m having lunch with a friend. It’s nice to have plans that dont involve gambling!

[lizbeth4]

This morning I’m dropping off the yard sale donations. I didn’t sleep well last night. My youngest Daughter is worrying me with her decisions regarding her ex boyfriend. Too much to go into. I have to remember that I only have control of myself and my actions and how I react to others. So, today I will do my errands, finish my chores and take time for a walk. Not gambling makes this possible.

[lizbeth4]

I got all of my tasks done. My Mom and I did a little shopping and had lunch. It was enjoyable. I purchased some light purple (my favorite color) nail polish, snacks and rented a movie for tonight. The little things seem to make me happy and content. No gambling thoughts today!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your post! I need to stay positive as when I get in a negative mood it impacts everything around me. It’s like what vibes you give to the universe, you receive back. I’m making a lot of headway also with being the doormat and scapegoat with my family. I’ve always been the people pleaser even to my own detriment. It stems from being a child and thinking if I made everyone happy our dysfunctional family would be normal. I was asked to change plans I’ve had in place for 2 months, which involve going out of town to visit a friend, to accommodate someone else’s plans. I had no problem saying no. Oh my, was my Mom shocked. She said nothing to me though. Yeah, I really don’t want to argue anymore. The other family member can change her plans. It’s freeing to take back control of my life. We only have this one so we need to make the most of it! I feel like a lot of my issues contributed to my gambling addiction. As I have break throughs the urges lease. Keep going forward!

[lizbeth4]

I received a call today with a job offer. I decided to decline. It was a job requiring in town driving. Although I love long distance driving, I wouldn’t like daily in town. The job I really wanted never called me. My finances are looking up as one of my loans will be paid off next month. I’m looking forward to putting that money into savings. Little by little things are improving in my life as I’m not gambling.

[lizbeth4]

So, after a disappointment today, I started feeling negative, low and angry at the person involved. I then started having gambling urges! I was on FB and came across a quote that was meant for me today. I will paraphrase it, “The only person who can pull me down is myself and I won’t let myself pull me down today.” I’m going to watch my Granddaughter today. That will lift my spirits. I’ve safeguarded the little bit of money I’ve managed to save. It’s in a online savings account. I have no ATM card attached to it. I want to see it grow. I’m doing ok. I think that this time I’m going to get it together and stop the gambling madness!

[lizbeth4]

This morning while having my hot tea and reflecting, I’ve realized that I’m my own worse enemy. I’ve put restrictions on my growth and being apprehensive I’ve stopped myself from fulfilling a lot of my dreams. Failing was taught to me as a sign of weakness. But in reality we all have to fail sometimes to succeed. So, I’m taking back my power and embracing what life holds in front of me. I’m making plans. Step one: to get out of debt (24 months). Step 2: rent a RV for 1 month and travel. Step 3: Either purchase a RV or travel some other way. Step 4: While working on all of my steps, I’m going to experience small, affordable hiking day trips or car trips enjoying places near me! I’m excited!!! Yesterday I made a good find. While helping my Mother clean out her storage shed, I came across a box of movies (cds, some never opened. Now I have 20 adventure, action movies. Next month I will have internet again. It’s been a little easier than I thought not having cable or internet. There are a lot of things we can eliminate if we have to. Today I’m watching my Granddaughter while my Daughter works. Joy!!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your positive post! Today could have gone very bad for me mentally but I won’t let it. My property taxes are overdue. Which I plan on paying in the next 2 months. Of course extra interest has been added. It’s a doable situation. The cable company decided to charge me for another month which took me 45 mins of hold time to talk to a supervisor and straighten it out. I received a letter from a collection agency about a credit card debt. I thought this debt was included on debt consolidation plan but it isn’t. Now the collection agency won’t add it. I have 30 days to respond. So I’m going to figure out what I can pay them each month. I will send them a letter and the first payment when I get paid. Wow, I racked up a lot of debt when I was gambling. Fighting my way out of it!

[lizbeth4]

Sara, your input made me think more about my post! Ive had to turn down invites to do things because I didnt have the money. Gambling isn’t the only reason for my debt. Irresponsible spending, buying items and doing things I couldn’t afford to do but chose to charge on a card instead. I kept doing it till it all snowballed! Once I pay off my debts, I need to stay out of debt. I have found ways to live more cheaply. There are a lot of things I can do that are inexpensive and fun. I don’t need to impress anyone only myself. Just to have peace of mind. Free of debt. I’m making a life board (poster board with pictures of how I want my life to be in the future:) travel pictures, ect… Then when I’m discouraged, I have something visual to look at. Also, I’m going to treat myself to dinner out or something new (small item) every so often so I don’t feel so deprived. I’m getting myself out of the mess. One day at a time! No gambling. No extra spending.

[lizbeth4]

Today I woke and negative, defeatist, thoughts startied entering my head. The what if’s! I can’t go back in the past. I can only move forward and make my life the best it can be. Today will be spent doing some household chores and pulling and spraying weeds in my front yard. My Daughter is attending a wedding this evening and my Granddaughter is spending the night. Precious memories that don’t include gambling!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz, glad to see that you are doing well. It’s hard to realize the damage we’ve done but you are working hard at getting things squared away. I hope you have a big RV picture on that poster board. Just think of the adventures you will have once out of this debt. Little treats and mini adventures along the way will help keep your spirits up and you won’t feel so deprived. Do you have someone that likes to go hiking with you? Maybe check into volunteering at the seniors centre like you were thinking. Give you a chance to check it out and you might meet some people with similar interests. Lots of young seniors at my local seniors club. They have more energy and fun. Try not to be too hard on yourself Liz. You miss your hubby and gambling helped to fill the void and numb the hurt. But we can’t do it forever. Reality sets in unfortunately when the money and credit runs out. You are doing really well at taking steps to be accountable. Deep breathes. The days will pass as you pay things down. Before you know it you will be buying that RV. Look at me! First new car ever! Take care,
Laura

[lizbeth4]

3 steps forward and a step back. Seems like that’s how my life has been lately. I guess that is life! I know that i am making progress. I have to be patient. Laura, the local seniors center was very depressing for me when I visited. The people were significantly older. I’d rather volunteer with children. I have a job interview in the morning. Again doing something I haven’t done before. Part time work and probably the weekends but that is ok. I want to save some money for a used RV or traveling. I have my eye on the type of RV i would like. A Minnie Winnie (Winnebago). We will see! My Daughter and I like to hike. I’m looking for a good baby hiking backpack. It’s good to have plans and dreams. I’m trying to forgive myself for my stupidity of wasting money Gambling. It’s hard! It will take awhile to get there. But I’m not gambling today.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth it’s always a pleasure to read your posts, sounds like you have been keeping busy with those yard sales great work, life is stressful and not having enough money to pay the bills is very stressful, we just have to look at the bigger picture and take time to think, we will be OK my friend I promise you that!

Gambling has taken alot from us and in truth it takes lives, keep staying strong, positive and safe, that RV sounds like a wonderful idea…….please pick me up on the way!

Good luck on the job interview tomorrow and remember just be you what’s meant to be will be, finally please do me one favour today, after reading this go and sit or lie down put some soothing music on and close your eyes for 10 mins and think of that nice beach with you and your husband holding hands…………….you know he is always with you my friend, take care Lizbeth and will always wish you well.

Maverick 

[lizbeth4]

Maverick, your post was what I needed Today! I know my Husband is with me. It’s just so hard to not have him here physically. Some of my gambling was out of loneliness and because I was lost after he died. I’m still finding my way. I would really like to get the job tomorrow. Not only because I need the money, it would help me to feel useful. Having future goals gives me the motivation to keep going. I’m going to deal with the latest creditor this week. I can only pay a monthly repayment that fits into my budget, not the unrealistic amount they are suggesting. I’m no longer going to short myself every month with my needs: food and a little bit of money for miscellaneous items. That’s causing a lot of stress. Forward is the direction to go!

[lizbeth4]

I feel like my interview didn’t go well. I wasn’t who they were looking for. I got a, we have other interviews this week. And then we will make a decision. I did my best. As Maverick said, if it’s meant to be it will happen. I’m watching my Granddaughter for a few hours while my Daughter works. She’s saying a few words and now runs everywhere. Keeps me busy and not gambling. Have a good day everyone!

[maverick.]

Kids Lizbeth you gotta love them……..always keep you on your toes………..all your life from what I hear lol, take care my friend and you can only ever do your best, hope this finds you well!

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick! Being with my Grandchildren makes me feel young again and gives me a lot of joy! I was happy to see your post this morning. A friendly face. I’m so scared, disappointed and fearful of the actions that my youngest daughter is making in het life. This time it’s not just het that is involved, she has her daughter involved. I tried talking to her but she knows it all. All I can do is pray and release my worries. I did have gambling thoughts but I’m working through them. Thank goodness that I have support here. I have hope.

[maverick.]

Just be there when she needs you Lizbeth that’s all you can do.

Take care

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

Life has not been smooth going and easy for you too. I just wish to share these with you.

1. Believe and have faith in Christ, gambling is not a solution.

2. In recovery, regardless what happen, gambling is not an option.

Not everyday is sunny day, there will be bad days, we will think or feel like gambling but our thoughts and feelings do not always reflect on the truth.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick and Kin for your posts! Today I decided that I am more than my gambling addiction. I’ve lived under that cloud way too long. Ive finally realized that there is so much more to me. Instead of focusing on my negative traits, I’m focusing on my positives. I’m a good Mother and Grandmother. I love my family and friends unconditionally. I’m very resourceful and creative. I’m a good person. This journey has taught me a lot about self discovery. And has made me work through a lot of painful issues I’ve carried with me since childhood. I’m finding that I’m feeling more peaceful and content with myself and my life. The only one who can hold me back is myself.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth I honestly believe if it wasn’t for my gambling addiction and finding recovery I wouldn’t be the man I am today, I have learnt so much because of the road I have taken and in truth it’s made me a better person……like you we learn alot about ourself and yes we have many good parts, take care and hope this finds you well.

Maverick

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth of course you are a good person – you are a devoted mother and grandmother and a friend to many on here – I want to applaud when I read that you refuse to let this horrible addiction define you. Keep strong and keep enjoying the important things in your life xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick and I-did-it for your posts. I do suffer from low self esteem and I’ve always been a people pleaser. Although in the last year or so, I’ve made great strides in those areas. I’ve adjusted well to living alone although I do get lonely once in awhile which I feel is normal. When I lost my Husband, best friend and soul mate, my world crashed in on me! It’s taken 5 years for me to get to a place where I know that I am going to be okay. Although I’ve done a lot of damage gambling, I know that it has made me a better and stronger person. Today I finished pulling weeds in my backyard. I sat at the picnic table with my tea and enjoyed the beauty of the blooming flowers, trees, and the strawberry patch. I know I am a very blessed ! Life is awesome without gambling!

[lizbeth4]

I woke this morning feeling stressed and full of anxiety. Payday is,near and all of my bills will be paid and my living expenses. It leaves very little to offer the creditor whom I thought was on my debt consolidation. I will call them next week and offer what I have as a first payment. Nothing else I can do. I need to learn how to channel my anxiety and worries. I’m doing my best. The worse that can happen is a judgement against me and either a lien or wage garnishment. I can do only what I can do. But I must remember what got to this point- GAMBLING! And never make this mistake again. No news on my state tax refund. It would come into good use right now. The rest of my day will be spent enjoying my family. Have a great gamble free weekend everyone.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Gambling is the reason you are finding it difficult at the moment but it is you that will get yourself back on track and able to enjoy your life.
Your creditors cannot take money that you do not have and I do hope they will listen to you sympathetically – I think it is always better to be upfront with an offer, however small, rather than trying to hide until they find you.
Channelling anxiety and stress is incredibly difficult but when you look back you will see that you have ridden out many storms and you are still here looking after your family, making your backyard a place of peace and beauty and even allowing yourself a chance to dream.
You are indeed living up to your thread title and not giving up – take some time everyday and make it ‘just for you’ because you are so worth it.
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet for your post. I’m struggling Today! How in the heck did I get myself in such a mess with GAMBLING? It’s horrible not to be able to pay your debts. I need more income. The only way to get out of this mess. I will apply again this week at more places. I can feel myself going into a dark place mentally.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth

I am sorry to read you are feeling so anxious- gambling has taken all of us to a place we never thought we would be and it can be so hard to face the consequences of that .
I have taken on extra work which is helping enormously – it gives me a little breathing space but it also takes time I could be with my family . There is no easy solution to debt I guess – just patience and perseverance – but yes it does cause a lot of guilt, anxiety and regret.

I am rooting for you Lizbeth that you can make some arrangement with your creditor .

Keep strong my friend – look how far you have come .

Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post. I’m feeling less anxious this morning. I have to face the consequences of my gambling debt. In the states you are taken to court for non payment and either a lien is placed on your property or your wages are garnished. I’ve gone over my budget and there is little money left. I will offer it to the company I owe. That’s all I can do. I’m going to check the paper today for jobs again. Im watching my Granddaughter for a few hours this morning. She’s getting so big. She brings me such joy and makes me smile.

[lizbeth4]

I’m still feeling a little anxious. Tomorrow is payday. I’m going to pay my bills and buy groceries and then I will know how much I can offer my creditor. I had a amazing day yesterday watching my Granddaughter play in her pool. She’s such a delight. I’ll be watching her for a few hours today. I’ve packed my evacuation bag, gassed up the car and checked all the fluids as we are in fire season and currently have a fire burning 19 miles Northeast of us. Rain is in the forecast for Tuesday and Wednesday, and I pray for some relief for the firefighters. Today I’m going to find some peace and contentment and enjoy my Granddaughter.

[lizbeth4]

Today was payday and I’ve paid my bills and went grocery shopping. Later this afternoon I’m going to my hair appointment. Time for a cut. I bought some dye to color the grays!!! Feeling less anxious. Rain is in the forecast for this evening and tomorrow. The fire has destroyed homes and our Governor has declared a state of emergency. Scary stuff! It grounds you and makes you realize how precious everything is. Today I didn’t gamble!!

[lizbeth4]

I believe my last gambling day was March 13th, 2018. A very significant date: the day after my Husbands death. I’m counting my gamble free time in months not days as it is easier for me to keep track of. I feel like my mindset has changed a lot. I find that I am changing and evolving in many ways. Good ways!! I had my overdue haircut yesterday and feel much better about myself. I noticed that when I gambled, I wouldn’t splurge on myself. We should be our first priority. How can we give our selves to others: family and friends, if we don’t care for ourselves? Last night was a mixture of snow and rain, making the firefighters jobs a little more manageable. More is in the forecast. Our Governor has declared a state of emergency. This will help to get more funding as there are more wildfires burning. I have a bit of a sore throat. Maybe the temperature change? I’m resting and watching 2 movies I bought from the sales bin at our local store. I’ve gamble free! I’m in control of my life and how I want the outcome to be.

[Monica1]

Scary with the fires but the weather change hopefully will put a halt to that. I believe we change a lot in recovery. We finally, or at least for me, get what is really important in Iife ie god, family and friends. Glad to hear you are doing well Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica and thanks for your post. The rain and snow helped firefighters keep the fire from spreading. No more rain. In the forecast. Feeling better. Watching my Granddaughter a few hours this morning. Going to the store later for topsoil and seeds Time to plant my veggie garden. Something to keep me busy and to reap the benefits of fresh produce. I hope everyone has a great gamble free day!

[lizbeth4]

Today was a good day! First, I realized that I made the last payment on a high interest loan this month. That money can go to the new creditor. I will call them next week with a proposal. I purchased my vegetable seeds and plants. This weekend the garden will be planted. Exciting! I’ve had good success in the past. My strawberries are blooming and my peach and apple trees will be producing in a few months. It does save money, keeps me busy and tastes yummy! I’ve decided to go 1 more month without the internet! I’ve purchased some movies at a yard sale at $1 a piece. I’m reading more and getting things done around here. My Mother even complimented me on how good my front and back yards look. Next month I am going to start painting the inside of my house. Everything is white but a accent wall in my dining room. Time for change!!! I’m feeling very motivated. The fire here is 50% contained. The winds are bringing a lot of smoke into town. It was caused by a illegal campfire! Fire restrictions are in force!!! Being gamble free makes life a lot better! Time for more exciting things and goals!

[Monica1]

I love the sound of your apple and peach trees, I love peaches, nectar of the Gods. It sounds like we are all making positive changes and keeping on the recovery path. Well done on the best kep yard, I must say I am not surprised!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post! I treated myself to a new journal/diary today. I ordered it online. Monica, you gave me the idea in one of your posts! I think it will be very beneficial. Trying to get motivated this morning. I need more caffeine. LOL! Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!

[finding_laura]

Hope you are having a great weekend Liz. Wild fires must be scary but you are staying calm and centered. Really proud of you. Debts are getting paid, your are giving yourself and your home some tlc and you are working through your anxiety without gambling. I’m sure we often used it to distract ourselves from feelings. But not this time. Enjoy the new journal. Your garden sounds absolutely lovely. take care, Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth – hope you are feeling safe with all those wild fires.
I love the sound of your garden- there is nothing so good as having your own fresh produce. Reading about it is making my mouth water !
I agree being gamble free is great – it also feels great when we come to the end of a debt- it helps us see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Life sounds pretty good for you !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura and I-did-it for your posts! I think I will appreciate my vegetable garden and fruit trees more this year as I am eating meat free. 8 months now! I can’t wait to taste it all! Although I am motivated to plant a garden, keep my yard and 13 rose bushes and flowering shrubs and trees healthy and to put my energy in my family, I find I have no motivation to get a job or volunteer. Something I should be doing. Honestly, I don’t want to interact with other people excluding friends and family. My friend circle has always been small but tight. I know I need to expand my horizons but it’s a hurdle that I’m having trouble with. Maybe it’s reflected in my last 2 job interviews. Maybe something negative is coming through to others. Something else to work on!!!! Growing takes work!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth,
It sounds to me like you have your priorities right – charity begins at home – you provide baby sitting services (yes I know it’s a pleasure !) to your family , you support an elderly mother (which isn’t always the easiest task) and you provide lovely fresh produce for your family .
If you can get by, why beat yourself up about work or volunteering outside the home?
I think sometimes we forget how much we already do.
If you absolutely need to work that is another matter entirely!

How about deciding to postpone the idea for six months and just enjoy and that you have achieved and achieve every day ? How about being kind to Lizbeth – and accepting that being with family and close friends is ok. Sometimes we just don’t need all those outsiders .

It just seems to me that you have come so far , overcome such obstacles that you could do worse things than take a little time to just congratulate Lizbeth and enjoy all you have achieved without the burden of work hanging over you .
Forgive me if I’m way off the mark .
Xx

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth,
It sounds to me like you have your priorities right – charity begins at home – you provide baby sitting services (yes I know it’s a pleasure !) to your family , you support an elderly mother (which isn’t always the easiest task) and you provide lovely fresh produce for your family .
If you can get by, why beat yourself up about work or volunteering outside the home?
I think sometimes we forget how much we already do.
If you absolutely need to work that is another matter entirely!

How about deciding to postpone the idea for six months and just enjoy and that you have achieved and achieve every day ? How about being kind to Lizbeth – and accepting that being with family and close friends is ok. Sometimes we just don’t need all those outsiders .

It just seems to me that you have come so far , overcome such obstacles that you could do worse things than take a little time to just congratulate Lizbeth and enjoy all you have achieved without the burden of work hanging over you .
Forgive me if I’m way off the mark .
Xx

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, your ideas are greatly appreciated. I do a lot and I’m afraid of biting off more than I can chew. It would have to be part time work. I can make it on what I earn, debt repayment and all but I don’t have money to save for emergencies, ect… This bothers me greatly. My life is a little topsy turvy right now as my Daughter’s work hours fluctuate and my Mother’s forgetfulness is getting worse. But sometimes I just want to do what I think is best for me!!! But then I feel selfish. Ugh!!! Today I’ve watered my garden (looking good) and I’m doing some housekeeping. No urges but for some reason my sleeping pattern is off.

[lizbeth4]

PS: I’ve paid 1/2 of my property taxes! Still waiting for my state tax refund which will pay the other half. It won’t go to savings as originally planned! But I am making progress on my debts.

[lizbeth4]

Today I spent a few hours with my neighbor across the street from me. Her son passed away about 1 month ago. She is 80 years old but seems a lot younger. She was lonely and sad. I’ve only spoken with her a few times. It was meant for me to be there. I cried with her and gave her hugs. She said she felt much better when I was leaving. I want to help people. I know it sounds simplistic but I feel that is my calling. I’m going back to my last job interview place tomorrow as it was working with mentally disabled adults. I’m not sure why I wasn’t selected as they provide training but I’m going to try and get the position. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

[finding_laura]

Wow Liz, I can understand how that must be very stressful. You are concerned about your grandaughter, the little innocent she is. Maybe listening calmly without judgement helps her to think it through on her own. That way she doesn’t go into defense mode. Defending her half baked thoughts. And the last thing you want is her getting her back up and digging her heels in over some half baked thoughts ?? It’s a tough life sometimes when you are a sensitive person aware of every little vibe and nuanace. Keep up the meditation. It is on my to do list if this life ever slows down. But good things! Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, I ‘ve given my worries about both of my Daughters over to God. They are going to have to learn from their mistakes. It does me more harm worrying. Not good for your health. The position I wanted is filled. Bummer! I spent the morning watering my garden and roses and enjoying my yard. I have strawberries already! I think my veggie garden is going to be awesome this year. I’ve been laxed on my morning walks but I’m starting again tomorrow. Persistance!!! My Sister will be here this weekend. Looking forward to spending time with her. I think I am going to break down and order internet soon. LOL! But I’m cutting the cable. I can live without it. My life is pretty peaceful these days. Just how I like it!

[finding_laura]

Peaceful and even a little boring would sound good to me right about now. We are in the process of by a piece of property that came up at a very good price. It’s in a location we’ve always wanted to live. So appointments have been the name of the game lately! Realty, bank, lawyer! And I am leaving Monday to visit family so need to pack. In the middle of that I am trying to finish taxes, sort my home as I have a cleaning lady in now to do some spring cleaning oh and throw in trying to set up a new computer. I feel I am losing my mind at the moment! Thank heavens for coffee. Your garden sounds lovely, perfect for an afternoon tea, or a cold beer maybe. Have a great day Liz, keep at it. You are making progress. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, seems like you are real busy! It’s so much better than the alternative, gambling! My Daughter and Granddaughter have been in the city for almost a week, so it’s been quiet here. I took my Mother shopping and out for lunch yesterday. She’s getting so fragile. I’m glad that my Sister will be here this weekend. Her visits are few because she is still working. My house and garden are my peaceful places. My paradise. I’m very fortunate to have found this place. I’m grateful everyday! Life is getting better for me without gambling.

[lizbeth4]

Today my Daughter and Granddaughter came back from the city. She’s decided that she wants to live there. I knew this was coming and I understand her reasons. She plans on moving in with a friend who also has a young daughter. We talked and she is taking her time and making sure that everything is solid before she moves. I reiterated that I’m always here for her and I’m being supportive. This has prompted me into making plans for myself. Exercise is on the top of my list. I’m going to keep chipping away at my debt. 22-30 months from now and all of my debts will be paid off. I’ve set up a repayment plan with the newest creditor who wouldn’t agree with the debt consolidation plan. They will be paid off in 9 Months. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m already planning a week long road trip via car instead of RV when this goal is met. It’s a place I’ve wanted to see. It’s time to take action and to put my traveling desires into reality. I think that gambling and the consequences have made me want to fulfil my dreams even more. Life is short and it’s time to take action!

[i-did-it]

Greta post Lizbeth – stay focused on those debts – what about having a chart on ur fridge or mirror which u mark off each month – I love visuals and find them very motivating ?

You are doing all the right things – I think when we remember that we are as important as any of the other people in our lives ,we improve life for everyone .

Keep strong and watch that debt fade away xx

[finding_laura]

It sounds like your daughter is actually being half sensible about the move. She’s not rushing into living arrangements with the boyfriend. You gave her stability after the birth of your granddaughter. All you can do is be supportive without being a doormat and I think you’ve done a good job of walking that line with her Liz. I hope you have some pictures or a glossy travel brochure to tack up on the fridge too. So you are reminded every time you tick a day/week or month of repayment off you are that much closer to your trip. You deserve to make your dreams come true. Stay strong Liz. You are doing great. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Laura for your supportive posts! My Sister arrived this afternoon. She had a long talk with my Daughter and basically reiterated everything I had said. Our big concern is that she has no family support there. She gave me the most beautiful Mother’s Day card. I feel like I’ve done the best I could and that she will call me if she needs me. I want her to do well on her own. I’ve made a life board so I have a visual reminder of my dreams and goals. I have a chart listing all of my debts and I mark them off when they are paid. I’m a visual person and this helps keep me on tract. Some I have the last creditor a payment this month, I won’t be getting internet till June. I’m managing fine without it. I had enough money to rent movies and purchase a few more. I was able toi buy my Mother some beautiful orchids and her favorite candy for Mother’s Day. Life isn’t perfect but it’s so much better without gambling!

[lizbeth4]

My Sister just left to go home. My Mother’s Day was Good! We made dinner at home and played card games. I enjoyed spending time with my Sister. She has talked me into making jewelry again as she is making jewelry. I’m going to try some new techniques and venture off of my usual stuff. If all goes well we are going to sell our items at local craft shows later this year. Maybe for Xmas. It will give me something to do during the winter also. My Daughter is waiting for her tax return money so she can move back to the city. I’m really trying to be positive and supportive . It’s hard! I will miss my Granddaughter. My garden is taking off. I have a lot of strawberries and my peach tree is going to have a lot of fruit. I have many home projects and maintenance to keep me busy. I have to remember to take time for me. I deserve it! No gambling =peaceful Life!

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter and Granddaughter are moving to the city tomorrow. I helped her pack up her van and spent most of the day with my Granddaughter. I’ve had a upset stomach all day. I’m so worried that she will relapse. I’m being supportive but voicing my worries. She has promised to come home if things don’t work out and to keep in contact with me. I’m sure going to miss seeing my Granddaughter everyday. Yesterday my sweet Grandson called to tell me he loved me. He made my day! My state refund was processed and will be deposited to my account in 2 days. It will pay the second half of my property taxes and my HOA fees for the year. Another debt paid. I need to be very conscious about not gambling. When I’m upset, stressed, I seem to relapse. I can’t do it again! I have to keep myself busy.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter and Granddaughter are in the city. I spent the morning getting hugs and kisses and snuggles from my Granddaughter. She was aware that something was going on. I prayed to my higher power last night and I have faith that everything will work out. I had gambling urges this morning but I went home and watered my garden and roses. I’m doing household chores now! I knew I would get urges as my stress level have been high. I made a list of house maintenance projects that need to be done. Some are small but there are a few major ones. I’m capable of doing them all. This will keep me busy. I intend on working on my jewelry on the weekends. I will keep the weekends opened for that. My Sister is coming back in 12 days as we need to fix a few things at Mom’s house. I’m completely invested in not gambling.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
It must be so hard to see your granddaughter and daughter leave but trust in God that they will be ok- your daughter has extra reasons now not to relapse with her beautiful daughter to care for.
Your garden sounds fabulous – selling jewellery is a really great idea – many entrepreneurs advise that if you can turn something you are passionate about into a business, you can build a business while not even feeling like you are working.

Lizbeth it will be so good to have those extra debts paid – and I think gambling is so far from your mind – you are moving forward in every way and leaving old destructive behaviours behind – keep strong , keep focused and keep doing everything you are doing .
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I text my Daughter and she and the baby are fine. My Daughter worked today for a friend, doing some handyman work. She has more work for the next 2 weeks. She said it was a good day. I’m going to devote my weekends for my jewelry making. First, I need to replenish my supplies and buy some new tools. Once my refund goes into my account, I can order what I need. There are no bead and supply places here. Since I will be making necklaces in new techniques, I’m excited! Who knows? I might create a website or try selling on EBay also. The possibilities are endless! I am keeping focused and moving forward. Gambling is in the past.

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m having strong gambling urges! Luckily my state refund hasn’t hit my checking account yet. I’ve watered my garden this morning and did some yard work. Now I’m doing laundry but the urges haven’t lessened. I know the urges are from my Daughter and Granddaughter leaving and my Mother’s worsening dementia. STRESS!! I just want to stop everything so I can take a breath. I’m going to make it through the day without gambling. I really have no one to turn to but this site and the people here. I trust few people concerning my addiction.

[lizbeth4]

My gambling urges have lessened. They are still there but I’m managing my impulses and I haven’t gambled. I spent the day with my Mother. We played games and had dinner together. She is very aware of her failing memory. Although we’ve had serious issues, I’ve decided that I will take care of her for as long as possible. I called about my refund and it was mailed instead of direct deposited. 10-15 business days before I see it. Maybe the mistake was a intervention of some sort. I’m sure my urges will be gone by then and I will still have my money.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
It does i deed sound like divine intervention.
Perhaps this would be a good time to look at any extra barriers you may need – I say this because for me the only reason I haven’t gambled is that I can’t. I got a text from a casino yesterday and it is still causing urges for me – a sum of money landing in my account would make it very difficult for me to resist . Maybe you and I will always have urges – but we can take action to avoid gambling. – lecture over – it’s just that I know how gutted you will feel if that lump of money slips away !

It’s so sad that your mum has to watch her memory fail and I’m sure this worry will impact on your urges – remember for so long gambling was our number one coping strategy .
On the bright side your children are doing well , you can be debt free very soon and it’s good that your urges have lessened .

Your hobby can becomes money spinner , you have so much to look forward to – don’t let this addiction steal another second of happiness from you Lizbeth .

Onwards and upwards xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks I-did-it for your positive post! I think gambling thoughts will always pop up for us. But we can resist! At this point I have no one to be accountable to but myself. No more barriers can be put into place. Although I have a lot of worries about my youngest Daughter and my Granddaughter, I know she has to try it on her own. I’m really hoping she succeeds. She has my support. I will always be there for her. The biggest barrier that I can put into place is remembering what gambling robbed me of. That’s my biggest detourant. I have a lot to look forward to. Many dreams and goals ahead of me. My Mother’s situation may be sad but she has 2 Daughters who love her and will take good care of her. Life is pretty good!

[Monica1]

Good to read. Also my biggest deterrent, it robbed me of everything, Health, wealth, faith and love. You are such a loving person Liz, your family are blessed indeed
.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post. I’m so happy that your life is going in a positive direction. You so deserve it! I’m cleaning and reorganizing my storage/workshop room. OMG! I’m crossing off items needed for my home projects as I have come across many items I didn’t know I had that were shoved back on the shelves. More money saved! I came across some old metal pieces and my mind went to what I could make out of them. I have some unique, cool ideas. I text my youngest Daughter last night and asked her if she needed any money. She said no as she is working and just received her tax refund. She wants to make it on her own. I told her I was so proud of her and I would always be there for support. My garden is going crazy. I’ve only lost 2 plants. I’m going to plant mint and rosemary in their place. Today I feel peaceful, content and calm. There is a lot of dreams to follow!

[lizbeth4]

Today was a busy day! I did yard work, tended the garden. I sold some baby clothing and shoes she has outgrown. I sold a few of my items that were new with price tags as I waited too long to return and they didn’t fit properly. I briefly thought about gambling today but I refrained! I had lunch with my Mother and we played some games. My Sister is coming again for a visit this weekend. We’re planning on going to some yard sales and taking Mom to breakfast. Fun!!! Tomorrow will be spent painting the trim on the back of the house. I’ve marked off 2 home projects I’ve completed. I have many more! Keeps me busy and out of trouble.

[finding_laura]

Glad to read you are keeping busy and staying out of trouble as you put it ?? Yard saling and breakfast sounds nice. I hope your mom behaves. I’m watching my mom get older and I find she is getting more stressed with everyday life. She is not used to this world where service is no longer something that is provided. There are always going to be urges and triggers. I guess we have to learn to reduce or remove the triggers as much as possible. Stress and money coming are likely some of the triggers. Get rid of that tax return as fast as you can. Tie it up somehow if you want savings. A short term GIC or something. You won’t be able to get at it without some work. You’d do it for your daughter in a pinch but not to go gambling I don’t think. I hope these urges fade. Take care Liz!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your supportive post. My refund will go for the final payment on my property taxes and my HOA fees for the year. I’m finding that I’m being more patient and understanding with my Mother. It’s hard to see her struggle with her words, ect. She’s getting so fragile. I had a stressful day. My Sister called and asked for a favor concerning her youngest adult Son. My Sister never asks for help. I was able to help but had a lot of running around to do but accomplished her request. She was so grateful. I’m mentally drained. But the stress didn’t trigger gambling thoughts.

[lizbeth4]

PS: The highlight of my day was my youngest Daughter sending pics of my Granddaughter and my Grandson calling me. He is spending 1 week with me this summer. Happiness!

[finding_laura]

Great news about the upcoming summer vacation with your grandson. You helped your sister and you didn’t have to gamble to de stress afterwards. Must feel accomplished! Have a good evening.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post. I was only too happy to help my Sister. I received my tax refund and it went to the 2 bills that I had allotted it for. More debt paid down! I have some money left for a nice dinner when my Sister is here this weekend and money to start buying jelwery making supplies. Exciting! Things are falling into place. Life is good!

[finding_laura]

so happy to hear it Liz. Paid down debt and a couple of nice little rewards for your self. It must make things easier knowing you are banned. Barriers help us make better choices. Have a great weekend with your sister. Enjoy your lovely meal out and have fun with your jewelry making! Laura

[lizbeth4]

My Sister’s stay was short because she has to work tomorrow (Memorial day). We had fun and a great dinner out last night. I’m looking forward to ordering some jewelry supplies this week. I’m getting the minimum to start with because the start up is costly. I can add on as I have extra money. The ideas I have are endless. Can’t wait to get started!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz, I have been spending the week catching up after coming home from a trip. I actually read back quite a bit further on your thread. I wish you great success with your jewelry business. Always fun to have things to look forward to. It will help keep your mind and hands busy doing something you enjoy. things really seem to be going great. Such a short time such a big change. Blessings Liz! Have a great evening.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Even though I’m paying down the debt, it feels like it’s taking so long. It sure didn’t take long to incur! I feel like im on tract with a small cushion then there’s car tags, maintenance, yearly HOA fees, ect… I know that I have to look at the big picture and the end goal. I have a lot to be grateful for: my children are in a good place and are parenting my Grandchildren well, I’m healthy and In a good place. Making jewerly will be therapeutic for me and if it takes off even the better. I can be so cynical sometimes. I need to keep looking at the positives.

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
for sure it doesn’t take long to incur. And at the time it at least sorta felt like fun. Repaying takes a while, and is no fun at all so that probably doesn’t make it go any faster. I try to stay in the moment, in the day. Like you I am thankful I have roof over my head ( a pretty good one), I have food in the cupboard, my health needs are taking care of, i’m mobile and my family is healthy and taken care of. Deep breaths Liz. I often think it’s our empathetic natures that make us as anxious as we are. We are always tuned listening outward for others needs. Time we tune into ourselves too. Take care Liz. You ARE doing this as we speak. Recovery.

[lizbeth4]

Laura, Your post made me think. I’m always impatient and hard on myself! I’m doing my best and I need to be patient as it will take time to pay off my debts. I also have many things to be grateful for. My positives outweigh my negatives. I do need to live in the now, the moment! I’ve struck up a friendship with my 80 year old neighbor, who recently lost her Son. She doesn’t drive. Her youngest Son lives with her but works full time. We went to the thrift shop and had lunch at the local pizza place. I found DVD movies for $1 and a brand new rice/pasta/vegetable steamer for $4. She is a very interesting person. I thought about introducing her to my Mother as they are the same age but my Mother is very anti social, so it’s probably not a good idea. I am taking my Mother to a new restaurant this Thursday. She seems excited. Hoping to have my basic jewelry start up supplies ordered by this weekend. I’m keeping busy and gamble free!

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling a little down today. I know it’s money related. I must keep on my budget and try not to overspend. I guess it’s my compulsive personality that keeps distorting my thoughts. But I know I need to keep on my path and I will see the results down the road. I don’t want to backside and gamble. The urges keep popping up and I keep fighting them. I must remember my goals and dreams!

[Monica1]

I was noticing about how much I beat myself up for making a mistake when I am learning which I have done recently. Signs of a compulsive nature I guess wanting to get it right. We need to get just compulsive
being kind to ourselves. Big lesson for me there. I guess we are becoming more mindful and learning more moment to moment how we feel and how our thought patterns influence how we feel. Liz, you are doing well. You hve a good path and are paying off your debt on a much shorter road than most of us. Me till I retire if i choose to go that way.
If we gamble we lose, we can never win, so don’t bother.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post on my thread. You reiterated many things I know and still trying to incorporate Into my life. Thank you for your support. Today I’m taking my neighbor to the store. She is now calling me on a daily basis. She has a son who lives with her but works during the day. I think she is lonely. I don’t mind helping her or visiting with her but it can’t be in a daily basis. I’ve already promised to take her to a Dr’s appointment next week. I need to find a way to politely decline and choose when I see her. Ugh!!!! My youngest Daughter is doing well. She is working and likes her job. My Granddaughter looks happy in the pictures she sends. That makes me happy. I’m feeling more content with my life. My garden, yard and house bring me peace. No gambling for me!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post on my thread. You reiterated many things I know and still trying to incorporate Into my life. Thank you for your support. Today I’m taking my neighbor to the store. She is now calling me on a daily basis. She has a son who lives with her but works during the day. I think she is lonely. I don’t mind helping her or visiting with her but it can’t be in a daily basis. I’ve already promised to take her to a Dr’s appointment next week. I need to find a way to politely decline and choose when I see her. Ugh!!!! My youngest Daughter is doing well. She is working and likes her job. My Granddaughter looks happy in the pictures she sends. That makes me happy. I’m feeling more content with my life. My garden, yard and house bring me peace. No gambling for me!

[Monica1]

It sounds like your neighbour could do with some additional support that is a bit more than just being a good neighbour, which you are incidentally. Can you speak to the son and set some boundaries? Like you love to help her but have other commitments too? We must learn to say no, something I occasionally struggle with but mostly in a work situation for me. Tricky people stuff. aRggghhhhhh!

[lizbeth4]

I did say no to her today as she kept adding places she wanted to go. I told her I had a prior commitment. I don’t mind helping her out but I don’t want her to think she can continuously call me. She needs grief counseling. Her Son is very snobbish, so I won’t be talking to him about the situation. I will figure out a tactful way to set boundaries with her.

[lizbeth4]

Urges! Payday! Not going to gamble. Money is tight but all bills are paid. I’m not sure where the urges are coming from. I will beat this!!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth
You will beat this
I don’t know where those urges come from but they seek only to bring pain and ruination .
We have had put pain and ruination behind us and are now building the lives we deserve .

Stay strong Lizbeth – maybe tell us more about that road trip you talked about a few weeks ago.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I was able to refrain from gambling! My brain was telling me that if I could win a little money, things would be better. We all know that’s not how it works! I sent a card with a little money in it to my Grandson. He has had straight A’s all year. While I was mailing it, reality kicked in and my gambling urges lessened. Yesterday while at the library, I discovered their DVD section. A rather large selection for a small town. I have many movies to choice from. Tomorrow im taking my Mother grocery shopping and them I’m working on my front yard border. Keep busy=no gambling.

[lizbeth4]

Well, I’ve refrained from gambling and the urges are less intense. Mom and I went to 2 stores. I was able to afford healthy foods. I’ve bought enough for the month. I stayed and played a few games with Mom. We talked about her siblings (my Aunts and Uncles) who have passed on and my Mom’s childhood. Talking about my Grandmother brought back fond memories. Not having internet for another month or more is no big deal. I have a bit selection of movies at the library and I’m getting caught up on my reading. I haven’t ordered ant jewerly supplies yet. I may only be able to get the bare minimum right now but it’s a start!!! You know? Life is pretty good right now!

[finding_laura]

Glad to read that life is good right now. Well done Liz on get through the urges. Pay day itself could easily be a trigger but you made it through! Accomplished a lot when you think about it. Enjoy the movies! I’m glad your mom is behaving for the moment. I’m sure your property is looking lovely. Take care

[lizbeth4]

Actually, I feel like my Mother and I have come to a compromise. She hasn’t had a outburst for awhile. I see her but not daily and I back off when I feel a conflict rising. It seems to be working. I have some home projects to do this summer: painting the trim on the back of the house, staining the front deck, ect… Many things to keep me busy. I do like it when I accomplish things. Then my mind doesn’t drift to gambling.

[finding_laura]

I’m glad to hear it Liz. Seems you are in a good place. My mother has been having some health issues of late and I’m starting to get a little worried about her. She has always been my rock. It’s hard to see the people we love getting older. Have a good night.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been feeling a little blue today. Working through It! I have had some gambling urges. Don’t know where this is coming from. I did a few things around the house and visited the library to check out more movies. I’ve been vegging all afternoon. I had a call from my Grandson and it put me in a better mood. I’m unable to purchase my jewerly supplies this month as I had to pay my yearly HOA fees for the year. Next month! I wonder how long will i battle with gambling urges??? It’s tiring.

[finding_laura]

I’m not sure Liz. Do you know how long it’s been roughly since you gambled? There are certain times that can trigger urges. Milestones of sorts. I know for certain 3 months is one. I’m going to have to see if I can find the exact dates again. 3 weeks, maybe 6 weeks, 9 weeks, 3 months 6 months 9 months 1 year from recollection. It must give you even more respect for your younger daughter and all she has gone though and continues to face. It’s really to bad you couldn’t pick up some supplies as it may have given you a pleasant distraction from your urges. If things are that tight how would you even manage if you gambled again? I guess we need to really remind ourselves when the urges come. The urges will pass quickly hopefully but the damage giving in could cause could last a lifetime. Your beautiful home would possibly be at risk. I know you know these things but that is what can be good about GA. You can pick up the phone and on the other end is someone who will talk you out of it. So I’m hoping a post is the next best thing. Hang in there Liz. This too shall pass.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

I’m not sure how long it’s been since I’ve gambled. Personally, that doesn’t matter to me. As long as I am gamble free right now. Where would I get money to gamble? I keep a small stash for groceries, paper goods, ect. It’s not much but all of the cash on hand. See how the gambling mind works. There is currently no GA meetings in this town. That is probably why I post so often here. My gam bling thoughts have lessen. This morning I’m taking my neighbor to the Dr’s, as I had promised before we had our talk. I’m afraid I’m going to hurt her feelings as she isn’t getting what we talked about She’s asked if I can take her somewhere almost everyday and I’ve told her no. UGH !!! My motto for today. Be kind to yourself! Self care is essential for us.

[lizbeth4]

I spent the day with a friend Her Husband is scheduled for another cancer related surgery next week. We had lunch and visited on her front deck. It was nice. I’m gamble free after major urges. I’m amazed that I was able to resist. It makes me feel stronger and makes getting through the urges a little easier. I’m still don’t have cable or Wi-Fi and I’m surviving. I’m not able to post on others threads as I have to watch my data. But I’m reading the threads and sending positive vibes to everyone.

[lizbeth4]

Early this morning I took my walk. Only saw 1 other person. I took in all of the beautiful nature around me. I think I’ve only been living not really living in the moment and realizing how blessed I am. Everything doesn’t need to happen right now. That’s why we have dreams and goals! We are forever changing and evolving. Life is what you make it. Gambling almost destroyed me! Today I haven’t gambled and I didn’t want to.

[Monica1]

Great post Liz. The forums are quiet at the moment but thank you for your post on my thread. Have started a new one as reached 300 days today. Sometimes we don’t see what is right there before us. And when gambling we are completely lost to it. Good to see you keep going in recovery. It’s the only way to be.

[kathryn]

Happy to read you are in a good place right now.
I’ve had a massive weekend, work wise. Saving for my next trip with my bestie.
I did a trip to Darwin for 2 weeks a few weeks ago, beautiful weather and a great catch up with my sister and niece which I badly needed after mums death. It’s been 4 months now and I’m constantly looking at her photo and shaking my head. Still so hard to process. Not sure that I’ll ever get used to living without her.
Lisbeth, it’s my anniversary today, 9 years. Yep, a couple of slips in that time but geez, I find it unbelievable. The time has flown really and so much has happened. I’m no longer that frightened, anxiety ridden, sad person. I lost so much due to my addiction, things I can never get back.
In saying that, I am so so proud of myself. I did this. Me.
I am living.
I think of you often, and still check in every day. Don’t lose that positivity my friend, love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn, Your post means so much to me! I hope to be in the position, money wise, to enjoy and plan trips also. You should be proud of your gamble free time. That’s a big accomplishment. You give me hope. When your Mother passed, it really hit me hard. I could feel your pain. It was a turning point with my relationship between my Mother and I. I no longer look at her with pain and apprehension. I look at her with love and care. Kathryn, your Mother is all around you. You just can’t see her. My weekend was rough. I’ve come to a conclusion that some major things have to change in my life. Things that are causing me a lot of sadness and will destroy me. It’s time to see my Dr and counselor again. Maybe I would benefit from a light antidepressant. The mind can be a scary thing. I’ve always resisted medications but anxiety attacks are so scary. I need to get some relief. I can’t obsess with what can go wrong. I have to see the joy and happiness in things. On top of all of this, I found a large scropin in my hallway! Yikes! Thank goodness my Granddaughter wasn’t here. He went into a dustpan and back outdoors. This weekend I’m feeling really insignificant. It would be nice to have someone say, it’s going to be okay and you are enough. Kathryn, you’ve made me feel better. Thank you.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Sorry to read you feel low- you are definitely not insignificant.you are a valued mother, grandmother and daughter even when it doesn’t feel like it .
You are also valued on this site even when people aren’t posting much. I seem to go through dry spells with posting. – usually when life is a struggle I post less.
It sounds like a good idea to visit your doctor – I hope you feel a lot better soon xx

[lizbeth4]

Thank you i-did-it for your caring post. I’m just feeling down about my life. Who can change this? Me!!! I seem to retreat when feeling down, which makes it worse. I know I have to do something to change this around. I’m mentally drained. It’s going to be a early night.

[lizbeth4]

My youngest Daughter just sent me the most positive news! Her job is going well as is her living arrangements. My Granddaughter is doing great. My Daughter is getting much needed dental work done! She’s my hero and my example that anything is possible. You can achieve anything if you want it bad enough!

[lizbeth4]

Struggling Today! Not only with gambling but other issues in my life. My Dr’s appointment is in August. Small town, not many Dr’s. Something happened today that rocked me to the core. I won’t go into details but it left me scared and angry. There is nothing that I can do about it. No recourse! One of the downfalls of living in a small town. Thankfully my Mother was there to comfort me and was on my side. It’s time for me to totally get myself together. No more loose ends. We have one life too live and we need to make it the best we can! I’m not giving up!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been walking every morning and my Mom has joined me. So I’m going at a slower pace but that’s ok. We both need the exercise. I’m in a little better frame of mind. Things are ok in my life. It could be a lot worse. I hope everyone has a great gamble free day.

[lizbeth4]

Bad day! Feel like I’m surrounded by negative people. My people pleaser side wants to make it better but that’s at my expense. So today, I will practice self care. I can’t change anyone but myself.

[lizbeth4]

Long needed rain today! I’m staying in my PJS watching movies. My doors are opened. Smelling and hearing the gentle, light rain. So wonderful. Smells so clean. Yesterday my spirit was down. Just a mood I’ve been in. It seems like the harder I try, the more I struggle. Unexpected expense throws a wrench In my already tight budget. I thought of selling a few precious items but took them off the site. Just can’t part with them. I will get through. Yesterday I had a long phone conversation with a dear friend of 29 years. Afterwards, I felt better than I have in a long time. She loves me for me. We have a lot in common. She’s family. I have renewed hope that I can keep fighting this addiction and that I’m worthy of a great life!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz! I just got back from an unexpected trip due to death in the family. Thanks to years of gamble free time I was able to afford it. You are definitely worth fighting for and so is your gamble free future. If you keep gambling what would you have to sell next? Your beloved home? Keep fighting through those tough days Liz. The good days are worth it. And there will be more of them. Try not to let other’s negativity get to you. Distance yourself when you can and when you can’t remember that it is their problem. I’m so happy to hear there is someone in your corner. Enjoy your quiet day. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, I’m so sorry to hear about the death in your family. Being gamble free means you were able to be present for the funeral. Today has been so peaceful. I watched movies and took a nap. It’s still lightly raining which has caused the temperature to drop. Such a lovely day! Being gamble free is fantastic! But I am still working on the causes and stressors of what caused me to gamble. Although sometimes painful, this is part of my recovery. I’m so grateful for the support here and the love from a handful of friends I have whom I regard as family. Tomorrow I take another leap and go to a new church. It’s time.

[lizbeth4]

It’s been a quiet day! I will be walking solo starting tomorrow. My Mother is unable physically to continue. Earlier I felt myself going into a pity party mood. Thinking of finances. About 1/2 of my monthly income goes to debts from gambling and overspending. After car,payment, insurance, and utilities, ect…i have roughly 8 percent to live off of monthly. I know I must learn patience. Starting in October, 1 debt will be paid and they will continue to be paid. I just feel discouraged sometimes. But I have to look at the big picture and remember what got me in this situation. I need to keep moving forward and try to be grateful for what I have. I will stay positive!

[lizbeth4]

So this,morning I walked 2.11 mikes. I’m taking my neighbor to the library this morning. I’m feeling ok. Church wasn’t all that great. I didn’t feel the fellowship. Maybe it’s me. There are things happening in my life that I can’t discuss on this forum but they are deeply affecting Mr. I’m working through them, slowly. I have faith that I will come out of these trials for the better. The stress is a trigger for me. I pray I have the strength to get through this!!!

[finding_laura]

I will pray for your strength as well Liz. What is the other choice besides getting through I often wonder. More gambling will lead to more of the same. Debt and stress! Your 8% is pretty precious at the moment and any lower would be a disaster. It’s good we have each other to vent to a little even if the details can’t be shared. Being lonely is not a nice feeling. Being lonely in the middle of a group of people is even harder. Of course it may be the church, or it may be that it will take people time to approach or make friends. I always stress over things like that. Should I introduce myself, should I wait for them to etc etc. Have patience with yourself and them and maybe try again a few times. Hope you got some good books at the library. Hang tough Liz. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your supportive post! I’m happy that I have support here. I share almost everything here but there are a few details I like to keep private. I’m trying a different church this Sunday. I’m not giving up! Next month will be a juggling game as I have 2 yearly expenses coming up. I obviously didn’t plan well for them. I’m reading books on budgeting, money, ect…I figure I can learn something. I’m still living without cable and internet and surviving. I’m checking out movies from the library. It’s been a lifesaver! Continued patience is what I need to practice in my daily life.

[Monica1]

I can really relate to what you are going through. More than once, I relapsed because of the debt issues and the depression it brings particularly when it will take many years to get out of it or for me, if at all. Gambling was never the answer, I can see that it just accelerated the destructive aspects of gambling even more.
I too am about to embark on a church hop ie trying to find a church I feel comfortable with and that has values I can relate to, I like the evangelical type church that motivates based on scripture. Not the fear based or the judgmental, or excluding ie if you’re gay it is a sin which I don’t agree with at all. Don’t settle, find one that suits you and makes you feel god that you went…!

[lizbeth4]

Thank you for your post! Gambling isn’t the answer. Gambling, overspending and poor planning gas caused my debt and money worries. This too shall pass. I’m working on it! 12 more car payments. I will never buy a brand new car again. It will be used from now on and paid with cash. This October forward for the next 30 something months, I will be debt free from credit cards and loans. I’ve learned my lesson! My credit is poor but I do have a good payment history on my mortgage and car. I can rebuild it! Monica, I hope you can find a church that works for you. I’m on my quest and Sunday I will be visiting a new church. Here’s a fact about myself that few know, I’m a history buff. I’m watching some Dvds on the Amercuan Revolutionary time. Very interesting! I’ve already researched the history of the town I live in and i attend many of the events and talks that pur local historian presents. It’s something that fuels my attention.

[lizbeth4]

I started off today with my morning walk even though I thought about for going it. I forced myself and in the end I was happy that I had gone. About my finances, too many bills next month, not enough money. I’ve prioritized my bills and the ones that automatically come out of my checking account. If I curtail a few bills, I will talk to the companies, I can pay the most important ones. Then I will have to catch up on those in August. Debt is depressing and exhausting. But I’m dealing with it! My friend called me today and her husband now has bladder cancer and has to have another surgery. She was in tears so I met her and we talked. She said she felt better afterwards. I felt exhausted but glad that I could be there for her. Honestly, it brought back memories regarding my Husband and made me very sad. Going to bed early. Need sleep.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your message on my thread. Appreciated. The depression of debt and the endless phone calls. I know it wears us down as it has done on me over many years now. One thing I do know is when you mention bankruptcy they leave you alone for a while, well they do me anyway. We have to give it to God. It is only money after all, and it isn’t our life. We can mix this up sometimes, I used to and I am sure people who end their lives over debt mix up money and life. Very different things. Two of my family went bankrupt and survived it. We will get there and you will sooner than I. You are doing your very best and that is admirable . I am sorry about your friend and her husband. I am sure she appreciated your support. All we can do is hold them in our prayers for healing, love and support. Sometimes all that is needed is a listening supportive ear.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, Money isn’t everything! I remember the endless phone calls and letters. It stopped when I went on my consolidation plan. It’s all a tiring experience. I’m sure your bankruptcy will go through before my debts ate repaid. I am trying! I believe everyone comes into you life for a reason. My friends are all very different people. Some have money and some have little. The ones with little are some of the most
generous people. It’s sad that people end their lives over money. I’ve had lean times and I’m sure I will on the future but I’m prioritizing what is important and trying to not get depressed. It will pass. My neighbor called this morning and asked if I would take her to the Dr’s this afternoon. I told her no and didn’t feel any guilt. Her Son came home early and took her. Our relationship consists of me taking her places. I’m nice but don’t want to be taken advantage of. Saying no is getting easier. No gambling thoughts today. Feeling blessed.

[finding_laura]

Checking in for a catch up Liz. I find all sorts of history very interesting and dream of touring Europe someday. But with my issues I’ll maybe have to settle for a country or two and that may be over my remaining life time. Not likely in the near future as I’m currently paying for enough. And not to mention still recovering from surgery. It is late for me and I think I have reached the end of my stamina for today. Night Liz. Hope you have a a beautiful day tomorrow. Laura

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t walk this morning. I didn’t sleep well last night either. I’ve managed to get up and take a shower. Going to the library and then to my Mom’s for lunch. Hopefully I will find a little spark today!

[lizbeth4]

Today turned out ok. The lunch with my Mother was good. I have leftovers for dinner and lunch tomorrow. A simple but delish meal of bean soup and cornbread. I came home and watched a movie, one of my favs, Fried Green tomatoes and had some fresh strawberries and whipped cream. Yum! Little things can mean so much! Tomorrow I will be walking early in the morning and making some calls to 2 creditors asking if they can lower my payment for next month so I can meet my unexpected debts. Just a little juggling. My favorite part of my day was knowing that I’m not gambling to escape and run from my responsibilities. I’m facing them head on!

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling defeated Today! I’ve called and had 2 loan payments put back on the end of the loans so I can pay the 2 yearly bills! I’m still a little short and left with no food money for next month. ????What to do???? I feel like I go backwards in my finances although I am trying to do my best. I won’t ask family for help. I feel like I’ve been enough of a burden in the past. Honestly, this is bringing up strong gambling thoughts. Maybe I can win some money. Which we all know won’t happen and I will be deeper in the hole. I’m trying to maintain a positive attitude but I feel like falling apart. I feel like I’m in a low place and I’m feeling very lonely. How did I let things get so bad. Why is my gambling aftermath still haunting me?? I’m tired, so tired of it.

[lizbeth4]

After much introspection and praying, I’m happy to say that I haven’t gambled. I think those urges will always be there. I just have to make the choice to not engage. I thought everything through and I think I can make a few more adjustments to my budget to cover the yearly costs and buy food. I tend to go into panic mode when I don’t have enough money but I didn’t flinch when I was dropping tons of money into the slot machines. Go figure! I woke early and watered my growing garden and roses. I’m going to the library and then to visit my Mother. Tomorrow I’m attending a new church. I’m very excited and hopeful. I’m going to enjoy my day. Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t make it to church. I will try again next Sunday. I didn’t sleep well and was feeling a lot of anxiety this morning. My general physicians appointment isn’t till August. I’m feeling a bit better after spending sometime outside, in the garden. I’m beginning to realize that a light antidepressant may help me. I’m open to anything that will lessen the anxiety. I’m staying home today and doing some laundry and watching movies. The walking, Monday-Friday does make me feel better both physically and mentally. That has to be my daily priority. One more phone call tomorrow and if that goes alright, I will be able to make it financially next month. August will be catch up month and from then forward, I will be alright. So many regrets associated with gambling. Nothing I can go back and fix. I can only learn and not make the same mistakes.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth Lizbeth Lizbeth my dear friend, just because you didn’t make it to church doesn’t make you a bad person my friend I can promise you that, I have been to church many times in my life although not for the last 5 or more years (I am 41 now) belive you me my bond with God now is greater than it has ever been but hey that’s a different story……..just wanted to share with you and wish you well, life is like a roller coaster my friend and I have two free tickets so why don’t you join me in the front cart and we can chat and share together, keep smiling Lizbeth and keep the faith I promise you all will be well!

So very happy to know you and very glad our paths crossed in life your effort and determination will not be wasted, speak soon my friend and always wish u well.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick! I do have faith. And I believe you don’t have to go to church to be close to God. I’m on the roller coaster (life) with you. Thank you for the positive words and support. I’m grateful to have friends like you.

[lizbeth4]

I went on my morning walk. I noticed my right knee starts hurting about 3/4 of the way. It feels better once I’m done. Probably arthritis!!! I rub a little bit of muscle cream on it, much better. I will work through it. Nothing is nearing fruit yet, but my garden plants are getting big and starting to flower. Maybe the m middle of July, I will have some fresh vegetables. It’s fun to watch everything grow and have the end product to enjoy. I’ve made my call this morning I will be able to juggle things so I can financially make I can make it next month. Yeah!! Then I can get back on track. My neighbor across the street is upset with me. She calls me and wants me to drop everything to take her places. Just because I’m home doesn’t mean I’m available. She’s getting pushy when I tell her no! She got along just fine before we started talking. Her Son is still there and can take care of her. She’s treating me more like her caregiver than her friend. So I’ve decided that I will limit my time with her. Anyways, today at the library a local author is giving a talk on her latest book. I’m going. It should be interesting. Keeping busy and gamble free!

[finding_laura]

It’s great to watch you working through these urges and budgeting/creditor problems. You played the tape to the end. Where you end up with a bigger mess on your hands. Then you looked at your finances again. And you’ve also been working things out with creditors which is never any fun. I think sometimes it’s kind of normal to get anxious when we have to deal with this stuff. And having a pushy bossy neighbour trying to take advantage would likely cause a bit too. It’s like they can smell a nice person a mile away and they figure you’d be too nice to say no. Good for standing your ground Liz! So all and all I think you managed pretty amazing this past week. I hope you are working on a vision board with traveling as one of the main visions! Something you can see will be the reward of all your efforts. Have a good evening. Laura

[kathryn]

Sounds like all this walking is doing you good.! Clears the head, a bit of exercise, fresh air in those lungs!!!
As for your garden, I am jealous!
I would love a vegetable patch. Unfortunately, I am the worlds worst gardener!!! Black thumb Kathryn, that’s what they call me….lol!
I’m happy to read you have made next months financial goals. You know, a lot of people would have folded by now. You are still plugging along. So much to be proud of my friend.
I still have the sick husband. He is currently asleep (which is a good thing because he doesn’t moan!!!)
As a nurse, I am a sympathetic person. As a wife…..not so much!!! I know I sound mean, this has, however been going on for a week and I’m done!!!! So he’s going to the Drs today.
Brea and Tex are coming for a visit today. I didn’t have him last night as she has finished work. She has just over 3 weeks until the new baby comes along. I get anxiety every time I think about it. 2 babies under 13 months!!!!! I had such huge gaps between my children I cannot even fathom this!!!!!
How did you go at the library? Our town doesn’t have one, theres a bus that comes every week. I went once. Not a lot of variety. And its not like you can go and sit in there and have a little read. Nope. It pulls in at 10, and pulls out at 3.
Well, I need a shower, then hopefully get some more posts done today, in between housework of course!!!!
Have a great day,
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Yes, I’m plugging along! I guess I don’t give up I will feel much better when the debts start falling off starting in October. I’ve decided to take that money and deposit it monthly into my savings. My jewerly supplies have taken a back seat for awhile. I just don’t have the funds. I’m loving the library. Ours is very extensive for it being such a small town. I just started gardening 3 years ago. I did a lot of reading, ect..about it. I can’t wait for the fresh veggies. I love walking! I have a pretty good life. A lot to be grateful for. Life is good. Much better without gambling!

[lizbeth4]

I would like to post on others threads but my data is low. 2 more days till more data. My life is going well Just found out today that I have 44 more payments on owed taxes. Fortunately, the last 2 years, I had tax refunds that were put towards my debt. It’s doable and another lesson learned. Just visited the library and checked out music cds, movies and books. It gets warm in the afternoon so I have to hibernate as it’s too hot for yard work, ect. All that gets done in the morning. No lingering gambling urges or thoughts. I think I’vegpt this this time. Not getting complacent or letting my guard down. I’m going to succeed!!

[kathryn]

You are not going to succeed, you ARE succeeding!!!!
Every day you dont gamble is a success!
I feel that sometimes i feel that life isnt exciting anymore, now that i dont gamble. My question to myself when i feel this way is how on earth can sitting in front of a screen, not talking, barely moving, eating, drinking….living, be seen as exciting?
Sure, there was a short (and i mean short) thrill if that machine sang, but that was few and far between.
Its appreciating what i have, and the small ‘wins’ of life that make me happy, and planning whats coming next thats exciting. I dont ever remember feeling happy leaving a venue, because of course id spent everything i had!!!
You will get there, those debts will be paid and i cant wait to toast that day with you. Thats not your life though, just a teeny part. Enjoy your library time, and enjoy the warm weather…..its freezing here this morning!!!!!
Much love,
K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn. I am succeeding! One day at a time. My life could be considered boring but I had lost the thrill of gambling way before I came here. My days are full of enjoyable weather for the most part, a nice home, yard and garden to tend to. Family and friends I love. So my life is pretty full. This morning I did some gardening and watering and cleaned my car. I’m finishing up some laundry before I head to the library to turn in some items. I’ve found another way to relax, music that incorporates ocean sounds. Of course found at the library. Hav e great gamble free weekend everyone!!!!

[maverick.]

Lizbeth so glad to hear you are doing well and I love reading your posts, sorry was only passing by but just wanted to say hello and wish you well, take care and speak soon.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Lizbeth please forgive my short post, I sent it and thought to myself I spent hours and hours gambling and always made time for that and my conscience told me to be a better man.

Walking is very good for the soul, it’s nice to walk and also observe what’s going on around you sometimes I like to walk at a slow pace and take it all in…….while working I always seem to he at 100mph, it’s amazing what we notice if we slow things down and take the time. Your garden sounds lovley let me know when that veg has grown and I will get myself round their lol.

Music is also good for the soul and I listen to various types often, I wish you well my friend and hope today treats you fair, take care and speak soon.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your post Maverick ! I’m very excited as my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter will be here tomorr ow and the next day. The baby is 16 months now. Time flies! I’m feeling good about life in general. I keep trying to improve myself, that’s the hard part. LOL! My Sister called yesterday and we had a long talk. We’ve become a,lot closer and I just love it! I’ve been invited to a July 4th party by the lake across the street from my house. I can see the firework display from the near by park! Should be fun! My Grandson is still in Alaska with his Dad on vacation. I won’t see him till August. He’s going into 6th grade and getting all grown up but not too grow. Up not to like Grandma’s cuddling. I have many things to be grateful for and I don’t take anything for granted. Everything happens for a reason. I believe my gambling addiction showed me what is important in life. I’m a happy, content and grateful person!

[lizbeth4]

I spent 1/2 the day with my Daughter and Granddaughter. Tomorrow, I will have most of the day with them before they return to the city. My Granddaughter has really gotten a lot taller and runs everywhere. My Daughter looks great. She stopped smoking 11 days ago. She had a lot of her dental work done and I can see that she has more confidence. She’s doing So good. The day was great except my Mother took a couple of mean jabs at me. She was in a bad mood so she has to try to attack someone. I ignored her and thought, how sad to behave that way. She made herself look bad. I’m going to the city for 2 days to take care of some business and will stay with my Oldest Daughter and her boyfriend. I’m going to need that time away from my Mother so I can regroup. Tomorrow will be a good day and gamble free!

[kathryn]

Lovely to read of the beautiful time you have had with your daughter and grand daughter. Those babies grow like weeds!!!
All ive every wanted for my children is for them to be happy, however that may be. You must feel so content to see your daughter doing well. I’m happy for her, and you for that matter!!
As for your mother, I don’t know why some people feel good by making others feel bad. That is her issue, and maybe she feels you are an easy target? The flip side is that usually people are like that to the ones they love the most, be it a pretty crappy way to show it!!
Having a break from her will do you good. Do something nice for you! Go have an icecream, in a waffle cone….lol (my fave thing to eat)
Everything does happen for a reason, I am a huge believer in that, sometimes it takes a while for that reason to be seen.
Great to read you are doing so well Lizbeth, I am truly truly happy for you my friend!
Love K xxxxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Happy July 4th everyone. My Daughter and Granddaughter went back to the city last night. We took my Granddaughter for her 15 month check up and immunizations yesterday as her primary DR who delivered her is here. She has meet every milestone and is perfect. She has a personality that doesn’t stop. LOL! She reminds me a lot of my Grandson at that age. I’m so blessed and proud of both of my Daughters. My Mom is who she is. I do have to distance myself sometimes for my own sanity and that’s okay. I’m just happy that gambling isn’t in the picture. My mind is clear and free from the urges so I can enjoy life!

[lizbeth4]

I stayed home and watched the fireworks from my yard. I decided to not go to my neighbors across the street as she got very belligerent with me as I couldn’t take her to a Dr’s appointment when my Granddaughter and Daughter were here. That was my last straw with her. I’ve decided to just stop being her taxi service. She has a son who lives with her and we have a senior van that will pick you up for ppointments and shopping. I don’t mind helping anyone but when it’s expected and then you’re rude, it’s not going to happen. I didn’t feel well today. I slept a lot. My tummy is feeling better. Tomorrow I have my walk, watering and I need to check in on my Mother. Next week I’m painting the house trim on the back of the house. Plans, goals! These never could happen if I was gambling.

[lizbeth4]

I’m in the city as I have a appointment tomorrow. I’m sstaying with my Daughter and her boyfriend. She had to work tonight so her boyfriend made us a good dinner. I talked about my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter and how we should all get together sometime. I was told it wouldn’t happen because she is associating with druggies. They do not know this for a fact and as my oldest Daughter relapsed many times before being sober, I was shocked! Now that answers why my oldest Daughter hasn’t returned her Sisters texts. My youngest has no family support in the city,. She has a few sober friends who help her. My oldest needs to remember where she’s been and how important it was for her recovery. There’s always been a jealousy issue between them. Basically on my oldest Daughters part. I’m so stressed and upset. After my morning appointment I will be going home. My youngest is working tomorrow so no visit with her. URGES, URGES are brewing.

[finding_laura]

Hey Liz, hope the urges settled down. We all have our triggers and sensing any kind of danger for your children or family drama can definitely be a biggie. Deep breaths. Your youngest is doing great. Your oldest’s BF shouldn’t have been bad mouthing her. Sometimes we try and hold on to old friends even though we take different paths. Perhaps that is all that it is with your youngest. I can understand your concern for her as we know that going back to old patterns can be hard on recovery. But I guess all you can really do is offer to be there as their mom. Offer gentle suggestions where you can about recovery. After all you are working on your own! And be very protective of your own recovery. You are the example. Whether we like it or not that is what we are to our children. We can work on breaking the influence our parents had if it was traumatic or dysfunctional but it does take a while as many an addict has found out. I hope you find some less destructive ways to lessen the urges. Walking, meditation ( i even found a free ap that walks you through basic meditation if needed) painting, weeding, all very therapeutic. Part of recovery is being kind to ourselves and knowing we do our best. We are not perfect. I’ll say a prayer for you and your girls that everyone finds the strength needed. Hope you have a good weekend. Happy belated 4th of July.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your support! I was able to get through the urges. I’m home now. I cut off my oldest Daughters boyfriend and told him to have facts and not to assume. He was fine after that. I think everyone is concerned, even me. Hanging out with her ex and the father of my Granddaughter is concerning as he is still using drugs. I think my youngest thinks she can get him to stop because of their child. We all know that he will stop when he wants to. She knows my concerns but hasn’t given me a reason to think she has relapsed. I am proud of her and my oldest for being sober. Its not a easy task. My recovery can’t be placed on the back burner. I can’t become complacent. I have to keep working on my goals and bettering myself.

[kathryn]

Ugh, do we every stop worrying about our children?
I guess the best you can do is make sure it doesn’t affect YOUR recovery. Your girls are working hard too. You should be proud of them!
What an awful weather weekend it has been here! Freezing, raining, windy…..yuck!
I did a few things yesterday and then stayed in my warm house. Today is much the same. Dames and I went and bought 2 safety gates for our stairs this morning. I’m petrified Tex will fall down them (hes an absolute superstar getting up!) So now they are blocked both ends which is a great relief for me! I was using an old canvas with a wooden shelf thing to block the top of the stairs ! When I re did the lounge I got rid of both so that left no choice but to buy the gates. In reality they were not expensive at all, and with another baby almost here I will have peace of mind they will be safe. Funny that I threw thousands in those god awful machines for 15 years without a thought and yet I was procrastinating on those gates. Still in that sick mindset when it comes to money!!!
Well, its done! Yay!!!!
Hope your weekend is sunnier than mine! I miss summer!!!!
Take care, love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

We never stop worrying about our kids! I’m very proud of both of my Daughters. We’ve all come a long way. Baby Gates- I had them up to block access to the kitchen and keep my Granddaughter contained in the living room. Thank goodness for them! You’ll need them for awhile as your Granddaughter will be arriving soon. Very exciting! It’s unseasonably warm here but cools off in the evening. There’s no place like home and sleeping in your own bed. Glad to be home!

[lizbeth4]

Last night I gambled! I traveled to the closest town with a casino. The damage was significant. But I can recover from it! I’m very disappointed with myself. I know why I gambled. No excuses! I’m not actively involved in any GA meetings. Something that i feel would benefit me greatly. I’m checking into some about 1 hour from my house as there are none here. I’ve had the gambling hangover all day! I’m depressed, sad and feeling worthless right now. I did pull myself together and donated school supplies to the school today. Things I had purchased before my relapse. It made me feel a little better. Its raining, long overdue. I’m sitting on the porch, thinking and trying to come to terms with myself. Ugh!!!! Not feeling great!!

[Monica1]

So sorry to hear this but I too have been feeling that old familiar pull so know how it can happen. You were triggered, possibly by family stuff, me with a less than great holiday which has been a massive trigger for me when I was active. Now, where did you find the money to do it, as I know just a week or two ago you were struggling financially? One thing I do know is that finding support has to be continuous and sought out consciously. I am going to GA this weekend. With the gma programme now finished, this site and GA is all there is. It is a daily effort to not give in to those urges when they arise, whic( they do every now and again when we are triggered. What were you saying to yourself when you went to the casino? How did you justify it? I know that I will never have control if I picked it up again. When you say the damage was significant, are you able to purchase food and pay bills etc?

[lizbeth4]

I’ve done it this time! I’m unable to pay some significant bills. I’ll call, make excuses, and struggle for a few months to catch up. My stomach is churning and the truth be told, I wish I wasn’t here. I briefly thought about ending my life. Its such torment to have this addiction. I can’t talk to anyone in my family or my friends. I would be perceived as weak and stupid. I have to be strong, self reliant and help myself. I’m still in a fog and scared. If I have any type of emergency, I’m screwed. Hanging in there!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
You are in post gambling panic mode .
It is the most horrible feeling .
Lizbeth – what action can you take to stop this happening again? Can you go back right now and self – exclude?

It seems when things are going well you self – sabotage. Do you truly believe you deserve a life free from this and with financial peace of mind ? You absolutely do deserve to be content – life brings enough worries without this .

Perhaps when issue arise with your daughters it would be helpful if you had a therapist / counsellor you could make
An appointment with to talk things through – it would certainly be cheaper than gambling.

I wish I was there – I want to hug you and tell you I understand – I have been there so often – it is horrible . And you deserve so much more !

[lizbeth4]

I don’t think that I value my self worth. Obviously, I don’t think that I deserve a life of financial freedom. Its been a battle trying to find a counselor here that I connect with as there are few. I’m trying to maintain my sanity right now. There are a lot of things I can implement to make it harder to gamble again. I need to follow through. I’m mustering up the energy to get f2f ressef and accomplish some tasks today. I could just stay in bed and sleep. I’m going to pull myself together and do what I can to fix the financial mess. Its day 1 for me.

[lizbeth4]

Typo: Get and and get dressed.

[Monica1]

Me too idi. We have all been there. Me so many many times. You will get through this Liz as you have before. Remember how you feel this time, this thing drives us to feeling suicidal. Living and facing it is the brave and honorable thing to do. Read some of the posts from new members who have hit rock bottom. Liz, I don’t want you to end up losing your home which is what I was close to. You woke it up and now you need to put it back to sleep again. It doesn’t solve anything, it isn’t even fun. Thinking of you, you will come through this patch.

[kathryn]

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off!
Get those barriers up. NOW
The gambling hangover, I remember it like it was yesterday. Revolting! I too used to wonder why I kept doing this to myself. I still don’t know to this day.
I’m a list person.
Write a list of all the things you can do to protect yourself from this happening again and cross them off one at a time.
I agree with IDI….I think some counselling could benefit you. While I understand its difficult to find someone you bond with, like anything, things take time. Maybe attending a GA meeting and asking others if they know of anyone around you could be beneficial. I don’t know if GA still do sponsors, I haven’t attended for many many years, but it could be worth a shot.
You, Lizbeth, are worth a shot my friend!
I know this isn’t the life you want for yourself.
Your feelings of unworthiness are not warranted. You are such a good, kind person. You deserve peace.
I have today off. I am around. I will keep checking in on you throughout the day. I know your internet is limited. If you want to post here I will reply…..all day if you need me to!!!
Don’t lose hope. Its a new day.
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

I know I need to go to GA meetings. The closest one to me is 2 hours plus, round trip. Counselors-there are 2 in town. Neither specialises in addictions. So I don’t feel like I’m being supported. I’m still feeling lousy. I’m going to be hurting financially the next 2 months but I will recover. I don’t want to feel like this again.

[kathryn]

How many hours have you spent over the years gambling Lizbeth?
A 2 hour round trip for your mental health, sanity and financial freedom seems like a trip that’s worth making.
I’m not telling you what to do. There’s 168 hours in a week. Can you spare a few of those to look after you?
You’re worth it my friend.
Love K xxx

[Dunc]

Hi Lizbeth

An expression that’s used in many circles that specialise in addiction is “Gambling is a reaction to Life” the question is what are we reacting to, what did we react to and what may we react to .. actually we a humans all react differently to different things and find out what the trigger or reaction are can make a huge difference and that’s why Counsellors don’t need to be addiction counsellors just good counsellors

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your advice and support! I hear everything you are saying. Traveling 2 hours or more for meetings and counseling is worth it because I’m worth it! I’m feeling a little better this early morning. I’m figuring out what triggered my relapse. I think I need to do something more to occupy my time. I have some ideas but I need to act upon them. One step at a time. I need to learn to take care of myself as I’ve always taken care of others. I just need to get out of this rut and start implementing new things. I can do this! I feel the support here and it is really helping me!

[lizbeth4]

I have found a few GA meetings. I will have to travel but it is worth it. Its doable if I go once a week. Checking with my health insurance for a list of counselors in the city. I talked to 2 creditors this morning. Both were helpful and set up a plan to help me get back on track. I know that i have to work on my addiction NOW or i will get lost in it and lose everything and hurt a lot of people i love. The time is now!!

[i-did-it]

Go Lizbeth – make all those calls and all those appointments right now while you are feeling motivated .
You deserve the best – you are as important as your daughters, grandchildren , your mother and your sister –
Can you hear what I am saying? They are no more important than you and their lives and happiness are no more important than yours.
You are as important as any other person in the whole country – why wouldn’t you be ?
Take the time to get yourself into a good place with your recovery .
Take the time for Lizbeth – it’s time to really believe that you are worth it and when doubts arise ask yourself why you could possibly be worth less than anyone else .

Onwards and upwards Lizbeth!

[vera]

I know exactly how you feel on Day One, Lizbeth.
HELPLESS!
Mugged, raped, plundered-tearing our hair out.
You ‘n me too, kid!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I am worthy of a gamble free life and financial freedom! I needed to hear everything that everyone is telling me!!! I need everyone to be frank with me. I’m going to a morning GA meetings next week. I’m going to see if I can coordinate a counseling session once a month around one of my weekly GA meetings. If need be, i will stay with my oldest Daughter and Grandson. I will tell her of my relapse and the help that I will be getting. Vera, I am sad to hear that you have relapsed. Please get help like I’m doing. We can’t keep living like this!!!! I’m thinking of you. I paid bills with my remaining money. I had stocked up on groceries thank goodness. August and September will be very tight months. I can do this!!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve made a counseling appointment. Week after next. I think I’ve been absteining from gambling instead of recovering. I haven’t been attending meetings or getting counseling. That is going to change. I’ve been enjoying the rain as it’s rainy season here. It’s much needed as we have had fire restrictions here. I’m surrounded by forests and it’s quite the weekend camping place,for the city people. I love the winters as we become a ghost town. Very little visitors. Today I’m thankful for family and friends, good health, all of my basic needs met. Today is a good day!

[finding_laura]

Morning Liz. Sometimes I wonder what I do with my time as I had missed the trouble you’ve been having. So so happy the rest of the gang is on the ball and was here to support you and make sure you knew how worthy you are. Abstaining is white knuckling, passing time but not really changing anything. I think you have learned a lot recently so please don’t look at this as though you have failed. You’ve been learning to stand up for yourself and represent yourself with your family and creditors. Now you need to add more recovery to the abstaining. More tools for the tool box. So that when you are close to being free to make more choices it doesn’t scare you back to gambling. Sometimes change and a more open slate can be scary. Because what do we really fill it with? I’m sure you thoughts go to your husband who you would have loved to travel with. I really hope that counseling and GA help you face all of that. You deserve the best Liz. Well done on moving forward. Progress not perfection. Laura xo

[lizbeth4]

I am using this relapse as a learning experience. I need to work on my recovery and myself. My oldest Daughter sent me a beautiful card which cheered me up! She doesn’t know about my relapse yet. I’ve been hanging out with my friend whose Husband has cancer. They had some bad news today, his cancer has spread and it’s stage 4. My Husbands oncologist comes here once a week. They have a appointment with him. I’m trying to be there for her but it’s bringing back a lot of sad memories for me. Laura, I would give anything to have my Husband here with me. ANYTHING! Have you ever felt lonely even when you are with people?? Not having him here has left a permanent hole in my heart. Im forever changed. But life goes on and so do I. I need to make my life the best it can be.

[lizbeth4]

So, I’ve gone over next month’s budget. I’m $500 short. No more credit negotiations. No place to borrow from. So, I’ve decided to pay things in order of importance. House payment, utilities, ect… That’s a i can do. The gambling residue that lingers with you!!! Horrible!!! I’ll get through this somehow. A good lesson!!!

[finding_laura]

Morning Liz, to answer your previous question yes I have felt lonely even when with people. In my case sometimes I felt lonely when with my husband. Although that has improved a lot in the past several years, it isn’t a nice feeling. I often felt like that around co workers or at a social gathering. Like i’m always the one struggling to connect. Or to keep up a rapport. I can be shy and sometimes my anxiety will leave me tongue tied. But I’m working on it. I’ve made some new friends and they are very accepting of me. They have included me in their very social life and I struggle to make more connections with others.
I’m sure the experiences your friend is going through is bring back all kinds of terrible memories. I lost my father to cancer. 50 years my parents were married. And they were always together. Life goes on but I know she misses him so much each and every day. Hugs Liz. If you find it too hard you may have to tell your friend and put a little distance right now. You are human. I hope you do find a GA group and a different counselor. You are working through some deep stuff. I would tell your eldest about your relapse if you think there is something she can help you with, ie money control, someone to talk to when getting urges etc. But if she will not be part of your recovery support a little voice tells me she probably doesn’t need to know as it will only ever serve as something to be brought up and held against you. Just my thought and I’m sure you will do what is good for you and your daughter. Hope you have a lovely Sunday! Keep working through this Liz. You are getting there, progressing through the different layers of this illness. The road is never straight! Take care, Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thank you for your insightful post! I did find a GA meeting that I’m attending next week. I found several counselors in the same area and tomorrow I’m calling for a appointment. At least I’m being proactive instead of letting this addiction consume me more than it has! I’ve decided not to tell my oldest Daughter about my relapse. It’s sad that the people with whom I should be sharing with, I can’t. That’ life! I spent the night with my Mother as she asked me to. She hates the thunder and lightning!!! I’m home now relaxing and reading. I’m social to a point but have always felt a certain level of anxiety. I seem to pick out the quirky and strange personalities! Lol! I’m grateful for today!!! It’s a new beginning!

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m finding solutions for my problems. Not creating bigger problems. Today I will live with a positive attitude and take in everything around me as everything has a purpose. Thete will be tests along the way. I will get through them. No more self destructive, self sabotaging behavior. This is my time to follow,my dreams. First, freeing up money by paying off debts. I will stay my course and reap the rewards. Everything is possible.

[lizbeth4]

Today was a good day! I think starting the day with a positive attitude helps stage the rest of the day. My sweet Grandson called me and of course that made me the happiest Grandmother! I bartered today and traded some items I was selling online for a carseat for my Granddaughter as she is outgrowing her infant one. Also, she very tall. No gambling urges. My GA meetings is this Friday and I’m ready. I have mmm y counseling appointment the following Friday after my GA meetings. I’m very hopeful!!

[lizbeth4]

Our local casino was robbed last night by 2 men carrying rifles and guns. They shot at employees but no one was hurt. Still on the loose. Another reasons to stay out of the casinos!

[kathryn]

So happy to read you are working your recovery.
Looking forward to reading how your GA meeting goes, and your counselling session.
Those little grandchildren don’t have to do a thing to make us happy do they? When they do, its magnified 100% I love that Tex comes to me to pick him up and I’m sure he is trying to say Granny!!!! (well, that’s what I think ! LOL)
Lucky no one was hurt in that robbery. I guarantee though, there would be many that would have been really put out by that, as they would have had to stop gambling!!! It really does warp the mind!!!
Anyway, sorry ive been a bit slack, I’ve still been reading, but have been crawling into bed early….must be getting old!!!!
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! I’m excited and anxious about my GA meetings on Friday. It’s been awhile since I’ve attended one. Long overdue. It will be a 2 1/2 hour driving trip. Doable! I’m sure people were upset because the casino was shut down for awhile as the FBI investigated. According to the news, no one was hurt. Thank goodness for that. It must have been scary to hear gun shots and for the cashier and vault person. Today, I almost lost it with my Mom. I went to the store to purchase a few things for her. When I returned, she was so upset because I had purchased a brand she didn’t like. No thank you just complaining. I left! So discouraging! Our time together should be precious. I know it’s her problem. So Sad! It didn’t cause any gambling urges. No more self destructive thoughts linked to our relationship. It is what it is!

[finding_laura]

Morning Liz! Wow a robbery, how crazy is that! Yes as you say another reason to stay away from the place. I’m sure there were witness interviews and who knows even future testifying in court! How great that you weren’t there.

I read back a couple posts and had to laugh. I seem to always hook up with odd and quirky people. I often wonder if it’s because I feel less likely to be judged by them or found to be lacking. After all they have their issues right?

I too need to stop taking ownership of other people’s behaviour. Thanks for the reminder.

I have been enjoying the last few days of sun. Today is a day for me to get caught up with some laundry and house work. It takes a lot out of me but needs to be done. I’m hoping my cleaner will be back Saturday to do the floors and bathroom. Starting to keep up!

I hope your GA meeting goes well! Talk soon.

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, There is some reason we attract the strange and quirky personalities! Maybe they don’t judge us!!! Not taking ownership of other people’s behavior is something that has been the hardest lesson in my rediscovering myself. I think ive had a problem with that because I am a people pleaser. Which u have been able to curb a lot. Self love and care is what we need to put first. I’m doing some cleaning and laundry today. FUN! Laura if I was there I’d help you. Take it easy! Chronic pain is horrible as I’ve seen through family members. I’m off to the library!!! Good day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

My GA Meeting went well. I was opened to it! Time to be honest with myself! On my way home, I had a lot of time to reflect. I’ve heard it said that we shouldn’t dwell on the past. We should cut our loses. But I need to remember the ugly so I won’t repeat the same things over and over. My family did try to help me years ago as they loaned me money when i had gambled it away. It took awhile for me to tell them the truth. They just got tired of me repeating old and bad habits. I hirt them deeply. I’ve lied to companies I owe to get payments reduced because I’ve gambled. Racked up major credit card debt. Most importantly, I’ve lied to myself. I continued to gamble and put my assets at risk, which would not only hurt me but the people I love the most!!! Now, since my last relapse, I find myself digging out of a hole again. Struggling financially and having to keep creditors at bay. Knowing that if I don’t stop gambling I’m risking a lot!! I need to remember the shame and self loathing. And I need to remember the hope and work I need to do to stay gamble free. I’m feeling good today but still a little scared of myself. I have to do the right things and move forward in a positive direction! I dont want to be remembered as the gambler.

[lizbeth4]

Taking a break and thought I’d post. I’m thoroughly cleaning my house and purging again. A lot of small items were posted online. Things I don’t use. Many used once. I’ve sold a few things and will donate rest that don’t sell. No big ticket items but a way to clear out things and make a little money. Maybe little symbolical of how I’m cleaning out my life of all the bad behaviors I’ve had. Anyways, it makes me feel good. Have a good weekend everyone!

[kathryn]

Glad to hear your meeting went well and you are doing something for you!!!!
It seems we are all in a cleaning out mode at the moment!!
Maybe its the moon cycle or something?
Brea is having her baby tomorrow. I’m DYING to know what they have named her!!!! That’s the big surprise. I’m working, so I doubt my mind will be on the job after 1pm (when shes due to go in for the c section)
Hopefully the girls at work will let me leave a little early tomorrow night, I’m with the big boss who always always runs late! I’m having Tuesday off to look after Tex so Cam (Breas hubby) can go spend some time with her and the baby. Wednesday is my normal day off so ive told him I’m available all day if he needs me for Tex.
He has 3 weeks off so I haven’t organised any time off with work until we see how Brea is going and if she will need me.
So a very short work week for me this week (woohoo)
Anyways, I will post when I know (of course)
Grocery shopping and washing for me today. All the fun stuff!!!! The sun is shining so that puts me in a good mood before I even walk out the door!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend Lizbeth, you should be so proud of yourself. Its such a hard addiction to manage, but here you are, working recovery.
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn, I was thinking of you today! I’m sure your precious Granddaughter has arrived! Congrats! I’m doing much better since my last relapse. Thge GA meeting definitely helped. I’m looking forward to my next meeting and counseling session on Friday. Today was spent with my Mother. We had lunch together. It’s our rainy season right now. My garden is doing wonderfully. I have many tomatoes and squash. Almost ready for picking. My peaches are almost ripe. I’ve been reading my history books and envisioning how it was to live in those times. I’ve survived without cable and internet. It’s not in my budget for awhile. My Sister is coming next weekend. We have a small fishing trip planned. Yes, fishing is another one of my passions. It will be a fun time. Life seems to be coming back together. My situation could be a lot worse. I’m not gambling and getting help!!!!

[lizbeth4]

This morning I did some yard work before it started to get warm. I’ve tackled bills and took inventory of my finances. TRUE INVENTORY! I can get out of my financial hole and be back to my normal budget by December. I have 4 Months of not spending a extra penny and sticking to my strict budget. THIS IS MY MY WAKE UP CALL! MY BACK TAXES ARE INCLUDED. I HAVE A LOT RIDING ON MY ABILITY TO STAY GAMBLE FREE! I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO THE RIGHT THINGS, NOW!!!! GOING BACK TO GA HAS MADE ME REALUZE HOW MUCH DAMAGE WE SELF INFLICT UPON OURSELVES. I’M WORTH A GAMBLE FREE LIFE. NO MORE SELF SABOTAGING!!@ THIS IS AS REAL AS IT GETS.

[lizbeth4]

This morning while on my walk, the strangest thing happened to me! I started crying, I mean really crying. I felt like the biggest weight had been released. I felt FREE! I feel like I can live the truth again , as strange as that may sound. No more lies, excuses! I feel good! This my life and I’m going to make it the best possible! I have outside forces right now causing stress But don’t we all. I am responsible on how I react. The fear in me has subsided. I can face my addiction with everything I have.

[lizbeth4]

Am I posting too much? One of my counselors told me that posting here is like journaling. Except that I am sharing my thoughts. I can come back and re-read my thoughts and in fact it is probably a healthy way to follow my progress. Very threputic for me. My life is returning to what I want it to be. A lot of hard work lies ahead. I’m looking forward to my next GA meeting and counseling session. Recovering from gambling for me means not being complacent and working a program and getting counseling. Getting to the core of it. Facing my fears and finding myself. My biggest lesson this week is that it’s alright to put myself first. I had to tell someone no as I already had plans. A very hard thing for me to feel like I’ve disappointed or let someone down. But I did it instead of changing my plans and I was very proud of myself. I have a long way to go but I’m getting there. Peace.

[kathryn]

Theres no such thing as too much posting!!!!!
I am testament to that!!!!
The first few years I was here I posted every single thought that was in my head, I don’t know how many pages of posts I have on my old thread!
I think posting is a wonderful way to get your thoughts out of your head and on paper so to speak.
Don’t ever ever feel you are posting too much. Not to mention the fact that I love reading your posts.
So great to see you are feeling a bit of normality again.
Saying no is something I struggle with too. I never want to disappoint anyone, or make them upset. In reality I guess, saying no just means that THEY need to find another solution. Its not the end of the world!!!!!!
I’m going to see Brea, Tex and of course the beautiful Della today. Cameron (breas hubby) is playing football and she cant pick Tex up yet so I’m going to give here a hand (what a shame… lol)
Enjoy your weekend Lizbeth, I feel from reading your posts that you are finding yourself again and it is a joy to watch!!!
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

My GA Meeting and counseling session went well. I’m feeling good and feel like I’m on the right path. Looking forward to my Sister’s visit.

[lizbeth4]

I had a good day with my Mom and Sister. I’m dealing with 2 issues-needed repairs to my home. They should be covered by my home warranty. I will have to wait till the 1st when I get paid as I have to pay a service charge. My budget is very tight for the next 4 months as I need to get caught up. Somehow I will figure it all out. When it rains it pours. I’m going to focus on my fishing trip in the morning. This to shall pass!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
I have been on holiday and have found it hard to keep up with the threads – reading over your recent posts I am delighted by the efforts you are making to recover from this addiction – I feel recovery is a journey and eventually we find our way -I’m still searching – even though I am gamble free the urges can still be frequent and strong .

Your posts are positive and your are looking forward. Keep strong Liz

Xx

[lizbeth4]

I had a good time with my Sister. We had fun fishing and hanging out together and talking. Thursday, a repairman is going to look at my A.C. unit. Hopefully, it can be fixed. I’ve decided to make some adjustments to my life. Which include some training so I can seek part time employment. I’m tired of just making it. My Sister was very generous and bought me some jewelry supplies, to get me started. Today, I’m going to the library and doing a few chores. I’m staying positive and trying to find solutions for my problems.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks I-did-it for your post. Things are getting better in my life. GA meetings and counseling have made a big difference in my recovery. I am looking forward!

[Monica1]

Thanks for your support and posts on my thread. I too,am going to see my sister this week. It was lovely what she was able to do for you re the jewelry. I am also thinking of going back to GA as I need to keep up,support and momentum. It’s to easy to start to feel depressed and support re the aftermath if this addiction has to be a constant. It is really,good to hear of your progress.

[lizbeth4]

1 more day and the A.C. Tech will be here. I’m hoping that it just needs Freon. My youngest Daughter is struggling financially. She’s had 2 temporary jobs but can’t find steady work. I’m sending her some money today. My budget will be even tighter but I will manage. So I’ve been in a worried mood. I have to have faith that everything will work out. I’m going to pay some bills and do a little grocery shopping today. I have had some gambling thoughts. If it gets too strong, I will contact someone from my GA group for support. I’m getting stronger.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Gambling thoughts can become gambling actions – when you have those thoughts come back to the forum and re-read your thread.
Contact someone from your GA sooner rather than later and share you worries with them; keep your faith and stay strong. Gambling will achieve nothing; the action will only bring you greater worry.
You are important to your family Lizbeth and you are important here. I will watch your thread and rejoice with you when you banish that devil on your shoulder back to the darkest corner of the universe. I know you can.
Velvet

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz, I find being financially tight a trigger for gambling thoughts. Many many times I gave in and made the problem worse. We need to keep reminding ourselves of the end result.

Activities like fishing are so good for the soul. Being in the surroundings of nature seems to help put problems in perspective.

I could hug your sister for getting you some supplies to get started. Another pastime for you as well and maybe a fund raiser.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your posts earlier, I’m in vacation mode and days spent in the sun knock me out! There is no such thing as too much posting. Sometimes it seems like there is more change, more thoughts, more realization that needs documenting. I’m glad that the GA meeting and counseling session seemed to help and that you are going to be able to continue going. Keep working on your recovery. It is worth every minute. Enjoy your evening.
Laura

[vera]

Every CG has another gamble in him/her but not all have another recovery in them.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your posts!!! I didn’t listen to anyone’s advice and I went on a gambling binge-11 hours! Fortunately, I only spent $300 in that time period. But it was money I couldn’t afford to lose. When I got paid today, I paid some bills, did errands, sent money to my Daughter and proceeded to gamble. I didn’t ban myself again from my local casino. The ban had recently lifted. Bad move! So, i will be late on bills and make up lies to cover my gambling. I’m on the edge of causing irreversible damage. It’s almost like I want to destroy myself. I’m just sick over this and burning up because I have no air conditioning. Hopefully that will be fixed tomorrow. I’m picking myself up again. Tomorrow, I re-ban myself! I’m praying that I can get through this. I thought about taking a lot of pills and ending my misery. But then I thought of my Grandkids and I don’t want to do that to them. Lord, help me to be strong and move forward and get through this.

[Monica1]

You are right, you can’t do that to your family and grandkids. But you know that. I am so sorry you gambled but relief that over the course of 11 hours it was just 300 dollars. It could have been so much more. What were the triggers? Was it the financial situation and your daughter requiring some financial help? That has been a trigger for me in the past when the family have needed money. God knows why but being aware of it helps, I,don’t,feel like gambling when that happens now although the feeling of not enough is the trigger. And wanting to help and sort,out the kids financially,for life. It sounds like a typical addicted gambler, playing to play as long as possible, not to win. Did you have anyone from GA you could have contacted when you got the urge? Go along to your GA meeting and tell them what happened. Ask if anyone can provide support the next time this happens.
I hope the air con gets sorted out now.
Pick yourself up and get back to normal activities ASAP. It was a glitch and then move but look at your triggers Liz and what you can do when they arise.

[lizbeth4]

It could of been worse! I’m broken! I’m credited out, broke and in debt. My trigger was that I’m running late on 2 bills and thought I could win enough to be on top again. I could have stopped several times and only been $100 in the hole. But my addicted mind told me elsewise. I’m really letting myself go. I’ve put weight back on that I’d lost and I’m really looking old. No motivation! I know all of the things I need to do and I plan on implementing them so I can stop gambling. It’s hard to face myself. I’m a scared, broken person right now. I’m not in a good place!

[lizbeth4]

I banned myself again this morning. It is good for a year! I took back a fan I had bought but never opened. I deposited the money in my checking. I sprayed and pulled weeds. Waiting for the A.C. Tech. I hope it can be fixed and I don’t need a new one as they will prorate the cost and I don’t have money or credit available. So, I’m hoping for the best. Luckily, I had put back the $65 for the service charge. Some things are running through my head. I’m thinking of renting out a room. But am I asking for problems???? That could easily bring in $500 per month but is it worth it??? I’m going to the city from the 16-20 to care for my Grandson. I’m going to look for part time employment when I get back. Instead of sitting in this house, I’m going to a HOA meeting this Saturday and to church on Sunday. Being around people and activities will help. Friday is my GA meeting on Friday. Oh, I’m tired mentally!!

[lizbeth4]

I’m just crying! My A.C. is shot. The warranty company will only pay half of the $7100. Oh, the guy says they finance. I’m unfinanceable! I just told him to put everything back together. So, do I sell “as is”? Move back to the city? Try and find a place that will rent to bad credit? I have no one to ask for help and I don’t think I would ask anyone. I’ve got myself in this situation. Instead of blowing my money, I should have had a emergency fund. Ummmmm!

[lizbeth4]

The home warranty company called and they found a outside unit that is compatible with the inside updraft part. They are going to cover it. 3 to 5 business days. I started crying.

[lizbeth4]

God is watching over me! It got cloudy and started raining. It’s cooled off considerably. I have doors and windows open. It feels good!

[vera]

and try to keep a cool head, Lizbeth. It’s a bad idea to made ANY decision when you are under such severe stress. I was in a similar situation in March 2015, when a member here advised me to “make a plan”. The plan was fruitful. A small amount in a “touch -me-not ” Savings account built up gradually…it saved me…taught me to be patient…then last April I screwed up AGAIN, but thank God, that fund is still intact. I travelled a long journey today and had Confession with an Italian priest. He told me “forget about the money you lost-you may have  lost the battle but you can win the war”. Words from God, Lizbeth. I am passing them on to you. Be patient. Do nothing until your head is clear. Just breath and walk and pray. God is good!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your advise. I can’t say that I’m feeling 100 percent better since my gambling episode. I still feel lost, scared and alone. Terrible feelings to have. I can’t really express myself to anyone but the people on this site and to the GA group I attend. No one else would get it. I have a sore throat. Probably from going into Air condition places and then coming home to a warm house. I’m not staying with my Mother as she has been in one of her moods and I’d rather not deal with it. I’ve had a couple of good cries. Didn’t make me feel better. On a positive note, my veggies and peaches are ripe and delicious. My Sister was impressed as I plant from seed and she uses plants. I hope this sadness leaves me soon.

[lizbeth4]

I’m forcing myself to attend our HOA meeting this morning. I haven’t been in the 4 1/2 years that I’ve lived here. Guess what? It’s at the library!! I feel so distant and disconnected from everyone. The heat is bearable but a little stifling for a few hours in the afternoon. My Mother hasn’t been very inviting about me coming to her house???? So I’ve decided to just stay home. The A.C. equipment will be here on Tuesday or Wednesday. I can do this!! My GA Meeting went ok. I have a few phone numbers to call if I need support. No counseling till next week. I’m not myself right now. I’m mentally tired and drained and honestly I just wish all of this pain was over. I’m looking for the hope but having a hard time finding it.

[kathryn]

Sorry ive been AWAL…..no excuse just tired and a bit lazy.
Reading back on your posts I can see the escalation.
The addiction was already planning its next attack.
If you start feeling like that again please contact someone from GA……just getting that positive reinforcement and support could be all the difference.
This will pass. Truly. Feeling alone is not a good place to be.
I wish I could come visit…..a coffee, good yarn, cry, whatever!
Maybe it is time for you to start looking for a little part time job. What about even volunteering? A thrift shop, an aged care facility, a school even? Give you some purpose, some company and something to take your mind off your stresses. Having too much time to think is not always a good thing!!!!!
Hopefully your AC will be fixed soon. My house is 2 storey…..the downstairs has AC but the upstairs has only ceiling fans. In the summer the upstairs gets all the afternoon sun, we don’t have great blinds to block it out and it can be like a sauna up here. (I’m sitting up here now on the computer!) Revolting!!!! Dames and I have taken to sleeping downstairs when we have a run of super hot days. In saying that, when the cool change comes the upstairs is the first to cool down so every window and door are thrown open!
You need some time fillers my friend.
Start looking!
Not only will it keep you busy, but you might make some great new friends!
Take care Lizbeth,
Love always, K xxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your post. They always make me have a good outlook on everything. Yesterday I went to the HOA meeting. It was interesting and I found out some new things. I met new people. Today I’m attending a new church and quite excited about it! I’m still trying to figure out my money situation and existing bills. Doesn’t look good but I will be okay. Kathryn, after my visit to the city this month, I’m going to find a part time job. Either babysitting or helping the elderly. I like kids and old people. I don’t want to be a shell of a person anymore. That’s how I’ve been living. I’m really ready to change.

[kathryn]

Let me know how your new church visit went.
Time to break out of that shell and start living a life you are happy with. Lord knows you deserve it.
Love K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Church was good. The people were very nice. I’m going back. But I had a rough day afterwards. A lot of remorse about my recent gambling and the predicament I’ve put myself in. The things I’ve done. Things that are horrible to me. I’ve let so many people down. Would they forgive me if they knew? I can’t even forgive myself. There’s a sadness inside of me, one I can’t rid myself of. I’ve lied and deceived others. Part of me is dead. I can’t gamble again! Again last night, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. The easy way out and the selfish way out. I’m trying to come to terms with these feeling. I have a lot of work to do. I just need to believe I’m worth it!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I hope you will forgive yourself soon; you don’t deserve to be punished for having an addiction that you didn’t ask for or want. I doubt that any part of you is dead, just numb and I am sure, forgiveness would bring your feeling back.
The people at church were nice to you because they see a person they want to be nice to – they don’t see the person you have described yourself to be.
Be kind to yourself Lizbeth, you can be the person you want to be because she is there, if maybe a little lost.
Believe you are worth it – because you are.
Velvet

[vera]

I can relate to your sadness, Lizbeth.

It doesn’t seem like you to be so “down”.

Don’t forget that the Samaritans are on the other end of the phone, 24/7.

Time heals, Lizbeth.

Give yourself time. Talk to your doctor if this feeling doesn’t pass. 

I will keep you in my prayers.

[lizbeth4]

Thank you both for your support which I need so badly right now! I’m in a dark place. I thought of calling for support/help last night as I didn’t care if I lived or died. But I made it through. I functioned on a low level today. Financially, it can’t get any worse. The last 2 gambling episodes were not great loses but ruined my budget. I’m behind on bills and playing catch up and keeping others at bay. Little is left over. I’ve done this to myself and it makes me very, very sad, stressed and down. Not having A.C. for a week has compounded everything. I’m tired and drained. Not feeling like myself at all. Forget going to my DR for any help as she is on medical leave. My yearly physical is going to be late as I have to wait till mid September to see her. Velvet, a part of me is dead. I don’t look at things the same. I’m very cynical now. It’s sad! How could anyone care or love someone so pathetic? That’s how I see myself. I’ve let numerous people down and not been there fully. I know I’m a addict bit honestly, that’s no excuse. Im so tired!!

[lizbeth4]

So, things have gone from bad to worse. I received a letter stating that 2 of my credit card accounts have been placed with a law firm. These are accounts that I’ve been paying on through a credit agency. If I don’t pay what they want monthly I will be taken to court and have my wages garnished. Of course, I can’t afford the payments. So, here we go!

[kin]

Hebrews 4:15-16 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

[vera]

Ok , Lizbeth. Things are getting serious.
Here is my suggestion.
Get an experienced GA member to accompany you tothe nearest Citizen Advice Bureau. Apply for Free Legal Aid. Tell the lawyer that you have a gambling problem. He will negotiate with your creditors and speak for you in court.
I have heard lots of GA members share similar “Court” stories. It always worked out well in the end.
This could be a landmark for you , Lizbeth.
The U turn you have been waiting for.
It’s not the end of the world.
GET HELP TODAY!

[Dunc]

Hi Lizbeth

Vera is spot on, You can turn this around..

but not alone..

The following link is to an organisation in the States that specialises in Gambling Debt https://www.debt.org/advice/gambling/

Keep posting..Keep talking andt seek help from people who know how to deal with this

Take Care

H

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been on a debt consolidation program for 2 years. Only 3 credit card companies has accepted the programs but all 10 creditors are sent a payment every month. These 2 companies want to be paid off. So they have charged off the accounts and have turned them over to a collection agency who want payments I can’t afford. So legal action is the next step. Garnishment of wages. I will send any monies I have to bring the balances down. Are there other companies to folliw?? I will just have to deal with it and the consequence. I knew I was playing with fire!!

[kathryn]

Can you see another doctor?
I’m really concerned about you!
Its very hard to pick yourself up when you are in a dark place, you really need some extra support right now.
I don’t really have any advice regarding the financial situation, Vera and Harry seem to know a lot more where that’s concerned.
Do you have anything else you could sell perhaps? Lighten the load a little and take a bit of pressure off?
Please hold on Lizbeth, I know it seems impossible right now, but things will get better.
You are not alone.
Love K xxxxxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your concern. I am in a dark place. I had it made money wise and within 5 years I managed to piss away my money, either gambling or buying things for myself and others. I get a good sized pension and I can’t even pay all of my bills or do the things I want to. It’s so depressing and I think I’ve hit rock bottom!!!! I don’t know how much more that I can handle this heat. If the A.C. company doesn’t call tomorrow, I’ll be calling them. It’s supposed to cool down the test of the week and we are supposed to have rain. Hopefully it won’t delay the A.C. installment. I wish I could just wither away and be blown the air. I’ve dug deep and have come up with a little money. I’m going to call the collection agency tomorrow and see if I can give them something so I can keep them at bay a little while longer. When I come back from the city this month, I’m going to get my CPR card and advertise to babysit. It will help supplement my income. Only 2 kids and in their home. I’ve been hanging out at the library as they have a reading area with couches. I go to Starbucks and get a tea and sit and use the WiFi and keep cool. I don’t hang out with anyone I know as I don’t feel like talking. My life is pretty sad right now. Trying to survive!!

[lizbeth4]

I’m going to lose it! My A.C. unit isn’t in yet. I’ve had no air since July 31st. I have no recourse as this is the company my home warranty deals with. This just compounds things.

[Monica1]

Where you are with gambling is exactly where I was so I recognise it well. We stop, we start, we stop and so it goes on until we reach a point of no return where I did. It is the addiction deeply engrained that seeks to destroy us, and we cooperate with it because deep.down we are very sad at how life has panned out. We seek oblivion and maybe we hope we won’t wake up which sometimes feels
preferable to life But we do wake up and the more we relapse and dig the hole the worse our physical and mental health get. That is the pattern and in recovery we need to confront those issues and find a reason to go on. Like me, we both have many reasons to go on. Our families love us even if the relationships are not exactly ideal. Five and a half years I too was lost in this addiction reacting to loss in my life and wanting to throw everything including myself away cos I had had enough of a less than great life.
You have value Liz, you are worth it. I have value and am worth it.
You can recover from this and I hope the air conditioning gets sorted out very soon. It has been boiling in the U.K. now for months but finally it is getting a little cooler.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for taking time to show your support even though you are going through things yourself. I gave the collection agency the money I had But don’t know if it will stop the law firm. Im pretty sure that my federal pension can not be garnished as I talked to personnel today. IRS and back child support are the only reasons for a garnishment. Sadly. they can put liens on my property. I have nothing big to sell! Now I have to face the consequences of my actions. I’m still with A.C. as the equipment hasn’t arrived. It was a little cooler today, more manageable. Monica, there is something lacking in my life for me to be in this position. I am numb and just full of sadness. I need to believe that I am worth happiness. Something for me to discuss with my counselor. I did have good news today, my youngest Daughter has found a good job and starts next week. I maybe sharing childcare with her friend and have my Granddaughter a few days each week. I can revamp my babysitting employment for Friday and weekends. Still hanging in there.

[Monica1]

Good to hear about your pension and the good advice you have had around that. Liz, I view gambling as something I can never do. When we stop and enter into recovery we acknowledge our sadness and work through it. This took me up until just recently and isn’t an easy process but I am glad that I have the view on gambling that I do. There isn’t a magic wand and I can’t pretend that it an easy process. We can have goals and things we want to achieve, no matter what age. And we can also have good days. Good news about your daughter.

[lizbeth4]

I know I can’t gamble responsibly. My monies are low and I just was paid 1 week ago. I’ve paid my monthly living bills. I did sent a little to my youngest Daughte and had to pay for the service charge for the A.C. I have a full tank of gas which is more than enough to get to the city and back. I just don’t have a lot of extra money to treat my Grandson while there. It is what it is. I have dealt with a lot of hang ups I have but I’ve always felt a sadness within me. I’ve never been able to shake it. I don’t want to keep destroying myself. I’m just so mentally tired.

[Monica1]

How are you today? When we feel that deep sadness which I can relate to, this is the time when we have to give it and the conduct of our lives to our higher power. I talk to my higher power and pray a lot, sometimes I definitely feel,it,working in my life and sometimes I don’t and am left with my anxieties. But we have to live each day as it is. I 100 per cent know that there is a power far smarter than me that supports us when we turn to it, let go of control and let go of our concerns.
Being human and living a life is not an easy process particularly when we get older and look back. I am speaking for myself here. Releasing the sadness by talking about it expressing them to our higher power and tackling the issues that hold us back can help. Sounds daft talking to thin air but I find it helps.
Small and simple things. I am enjoying the European championships, 2018 has been a fantastic year for sport. So I get my pleasures from simple things despite the many obstacles and frustrations which are there to be overcome, I guess.
I still haven’t tackled my debt one year on gf in a few days. So ***** your blessings. You will get through this funk and understand exactly what it is that has brought you to feeling this way. Gamblingis not your friend, it is your enemy!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for checking in on me. I’m about the same today. I feel beaten down and full of anxieties and fear. I feel like I’m at the end of the road. I’m always playing catch up . Either I will get back on top or everything will implode! I have support here and GA. No one in my family knows my plight as they have never took the time to understand my addiction. So I do feel rather alone at times. How could I have let things go so far? It’s overcast and dreary outside today. No word from the A.C. company. Monica, I was on my knees praying. Hoping my higher power can give me some peace.

[Monica1]

None of us asked for this addiction. It happened brought on in both our cases by a reaction to loss. Despite your debtors screaming, as mine have done, they can wait, well some of them. The court stuff has to be dealt with but they are wasting their time taking this action and you should tell them so as it doesn’t help anyone.
You are not at the end of the road. Many times in life I think well this is the end and it isn’t. We go on and you will go on too. I get the anxiety as I am sometimes overwhelmed with it but I also have times of great faith. We just need to keep walking and stick to our programme of support. I only have here too and soon I will go back to GA as the forums are so quiet. You have got on top of your debts or making them manageable before by remaining gf and you will do so again.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. Credit cards are not deemed a priority debt in the U.K. and I am sure in the US too. Explain your situation and tackle the priority debts. You can offer them a dollar a month and if you have priority debts they hve to accept it. All of my credit cards deferred action for six months because of my situation. They know that they cannot take priority over rent or mortgage, and all taxes, utilities. They know this so cannot force you to pay anything.

[lizbeth4]

I know that the creditors here can be rather aggressive. The 2 creditors told me what they would accept for payments. Right now out of my range. If they take you to court, the courts have you pay the filing costs also. More money. I did decide to prioritise my bills. I have 3 loans which are directly taken out of my checking account monthly which where used for gambling in the past. One will be paid off next month, freeing $155 per month. Most of my credit card debts aren’t massive but put all together overwhelming. Monica, I’ve let myself really go the last few months. Weight gain, not getting haircuts, ect. I look in the mirror and cringe. Something has to give.

[Monica1]

One of the things that recovery has done, and I know that idi will also back this up is that the things we have let go of, ie clothes, hair, appearance etc come to the foreground a bit and we consciously do things to improve all of that. No matter what age we are we can make an effort with what we have although sometimes it does feel like a losing battle… Idi is losing weight and when I was destitute my hair grew out grey for a year but it now has a nice colour. I had never left it that long but the gambling aftermath meant that I had no money to get it done.
Just pay the credit card company what you can afford and battle it out with them over the phone. Whichever way you look at it, taking you to court serves no one. And if they get aggressive with you, I would either calmly or equally shouty state your point… I have done this and they have left me alone for some time now. But the calls have started coming again so will have to deal with that.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, you are so right. I’ve gained back 10 pounds I had lost. I need a haircut. But I never dyed my hair because the grays blend in with my blonde hair. I’ve stopped wearing make up as it’s too hot and I’m too lazy to apply it. Today wasn’t a total bust as I went to the library and I sold 5 small items on our local FB site. This money will be used in the city if needed. I don’t like traveling without cash. Not a lot but mote than I had. I prayed this morning that my items would sell and bang, they sold really fast. I’m giving my peaches away to friends and neighbors as they have all ripened. They are delish and juicy. Monica has lifted my spirits a bit!!! Thank you.

[Monica1]

I posted a response and the site was then down for maintenance so lost it. Annoying. Thanks for your post on my thread. Yep, the teeth issue has a lot to do with the cigs but I have had lifelong problems since I was 7, so good that I hve kept on to them for this long although they are on their last knockings.
I am really pleased you were able to sell some things, that is good, you have had so much stuff to sell, reminds me of me as a bit of a compulsive shopper although with much more control now over that than previously.
I very rarely wear make up as I am allergic to most of it. I think a bit of lipgloss and a good moisturiser go a long way, I have never really been one for makeup and never really missed it. I think it is all a bit of a Palava. If I wear foundation I come out in spots so best to leave skin clear and my eyes itch and stick together with mascara lol.
Keep.going Liz it will get better. We have to persist with the recovery programme because it is the only way forward.
I did two of Charles groups last night now although I am still awake late. I find the support invaluable so when you get your internet back, you should try Charles groups for peer group support. I find I have to keep seeking support to keep on track.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I’ve always had dental issues. I didn’t get implants but wish I had. I sold things that I really liked: a lamp. 2 quilts and some perfume bottles from my collection. It was hard parting with them but it will be alright. Not much more to sell
My A.C. unit will be installed next Wednesday. We atre expecting rain so it may be delayed. Believe it or not but I opened up to my Mother about my addiction, ect. She was very understanding and even said that she thought she had a gambling addiction. I would not be able to talk to her all the time because of her mood swings but she did comfort and validate me. GA tomorrow. Yes Monica, we have to persist in our recovery.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I’ve always had dental issues. I didn’t get implants but wish I had. I sold things that I really liked: a lamp. 2 quilts and some perfume bottles from my collection. It was hard parting with them but it will be alright. Not much more to sell
My A.C. unit will be installed next Wednesday. We atre expecting rain so it may be delayed. Believe it or not but I opened up to my Mother about my addiction, ect. She was very understanding and even said that she thought she had a gambling addiction. I would not be able to talk to her all the time because of her mood swings but she did comfort and validate me. GA tomorrow. Yes Monica, we have to persist in our recovery.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I’ve always had dental issues. I didn’t get implants but wish I had. I sold things that I really liked: a lamp. 2 quilts and some perfume bottles from my collection. It was hard parting with them but it will be alright. Not much more to sell
My A.C. unit will be installed next Wednesday. We atre expecting rain so it may be delayed. Believe it or not but I opened up to my Mother about my addiction, ect. She was very understanding and even said that she thought she had a gambling addiction. I would not be able to talk to her all the time because of her mood swings but she did comfort and validate me. GA tomorrow. Yes Monica, we have to persist in our recovery.

[lizbeth4]

I can’t sleep. I’m scared, anxious and nervous. Tomorrow, I’m calling about 2 bills that I’m chronically late paying. I want the companies to help me find a solution. I want to live in truth. No more lies and excuses. I can’t keep living like that. Time to put my big girl panties on and start acting like a adult. No matter how tough it gets, How tight money is, I won’t falter! .I will keep my course. The alternative is too depressing.

[Monica1]

I get the same way about bills and those calls from creditors. I avoid for a long time and I have about a months worth of unopened letters but at some point I face it and I tell them the truth, that I am a gambling addict in recovery stressing the recovery. I was treated as vulnerable by a few creditors because I am over 60 and in recovery from an addiction. They cannot bully you and don’t allow them to. I would even say if they are being aggressive to not treat you that way. When I said to some that I hve been deemed vulnerable they changed their stance immediately. I can’t bear aggressive people and in the U.K. they are now t allowed to be as it gets nowhere and has the opposite effect.
If you can deal with your bills today I will open my letters that have been sitting there lol.
I get the anxiety, it has been stopping me from sleeping too, while thoughts go round and round about what to do. But the bottom line is my debts have been sitting there not paid for about 2 years now some of them and because of vulnerability they have to be careful in their approach.

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t sleep well last night. I set my alarm and got up and dealt with my creditors (not the one who wants to sue me). I’ve see up 2 repaymwnt plans. They were understanding. Monica, this is it. No more gambling! I’ve made promises and I have to do the right thing. It’s going to be hard but I can manage. Gett ing ready for my trip to GA. I picked a few peaches off my tree for breakfast. I feel a ray of hope now! Thanks Monica for sticking with me!

[lizbeth4]

I attended my GA meeting today. I feel support thete but no real connections yet. I stopped and had a cold raspberry tea before I came back home. I came home and did a load of laundry and lo and behold thete was a dried, wrinkly $20 bill among the clothed. It must have been in my pocket. Now, it’s tucked away neatly in my wallet. I enjoyed some homemade pickles my Sister made. It’s going to be a early night. I can sleep tonight.

[vera]

Lizbeth, I am glad you sound more upbeat in your last few posts.
It takes time to repair the damage on every level.
I went back to GA on Thursday night. It felt surreal. I don’t think I belong there anymore but I must say some of the men gave me a great “welcome back”.
It takes a long time to stop feeling like a total fake.
Last night I dreamt I was gambling. The identical dream I always have when I quit. Entering an unfamiliar casino. More like an arcade. Searching for “my type” of machine but none available. Then walking out, feeling “this is not for me”!
I’m glad it was only a dream.
Gambling is a nightmare.
You will be fine, Lizbeth. I feel you are bouncing back already.

[lizbeth4]

Big sriem last night. Cooled off quit a bit so I slept with Windows opened. I pulled weeds for 3 hours and 1/2 if my back yard is done. Heading to the library. Going to convert my Granddaughter’s crib to a toddlers bed. Vera, I am feeling more upbeat. I just have a long haul in front of me. No screw ups allowed.

[lizbeth4]

I spent part of the day at my Mother’s, helping her with some things around the house. She surprised me by saying that she would miss me while I am in the city Thursday thru Monday. I am trying to overlook and ignore things she says that really agitate me as I know that one day she’ll be gone and I would miss her. I’m sore from the yard work and am using a heating pad on my left shoulder. The heat wasn’t bad today. Tomorrow is church. Looking forward to it!

[lizbeth4]

OMG! Major eater pipe burst in my bathroom! I turned off the water meter by street. Just what I needed. Insurance-$1500 deductible. What know?

[lizbeth4]

Water pipe!

[lizbeth4]

This might be my breaking point!

[kathryn]

It never rains it pours!!!
More reason for you to start looking for some part time work Lizbeth!
Don’t let this break you. You have been through worse and come out the other side!!!
Will the insurance company let you do a payment plan? I know that money is already tight but $1500 is a lot to find in one hit.
Thinking of you my friend and remember, gambling will only make things worse, theres never a win big enough to satisfy us.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

I do need to get a job, ASAP! I’ve committed to watching my Grandson , Thursday-monday. So I will be on the city! I’ve called my home warranty again and someone here in town should be calling me today about the water pipe. My home warranty will then determine if they will cover it. If not, I will get a quote from them and have to come up with the money. I’m staying with my Mother and she has been nice. I’ve had no gambling thoughts or urges. I’m just mentally trained and so tired. Trying to stay positive but it’s hard.

[lizbeth4]

Wednesday the new A.C. unit gets installed. Thursday morning the plumbers will be out. Then I’m off to the city. I’ve helped my Mother with a few projects around the house. I still feel dow but I’m trying to cope. I haven’t had any gambling thoughts, which has surprised me as stress is one of my triggers. I think that GA meetings and counseling is helping. I keep praying yo my higher power. I’m doing the best that I can.

[lizbeth4]

I’m not sleeping well. I woke very depressed and anxious. I’m not having gambling thoughts or urges. Just really in a bad place in my head. I’m praying that the work done on my house tomorrow and Thursday goes well. As for a job, I can’t accept anything till after September 5th as I have a cardiologist appointment for my annual checkup and yearly prescription renewal. The thoughts of being sued are also lingering in my head. I’m going to send any monies I can to them next month and show that I’m attempting to pay them. I can only do what I can do. What’s going to happen will happen. I feel like a burden right now!!! Trying to cope.

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling a little better today! I’m just very emotional! I had a few gambling urges last night. I made it through. My A.C. unit is being installed right now. I don’t handle things well when a lot of things are being thrown at me at once. It takes me awhile to sort out everything. Being overly stressed has been a main gambling trigger for me. Seeing my youngest Daughter and Grandkids will help put me in a more happy mood. Today I won’t take anything for granted. I am blessed in many ways.

[lizbeth4]

A.C Unit in but they had the wrong metering device. They have to order another one and come back. UGH!!! Hopefully tomorrow with the plumbers will be better. Coping!!

[lizbeth4]

Waiting for the plumbers. There will be a solution today even if it’s not what I want, the easiest solution! I might have to stay at my Mom’s house for a few months to save up the money for the deductible if I have to go through the insurance company. That will be a challenge as she has gotten mad at me twice for no reason???? This makes it more challenging and depressing. She knows I have no where else to go. Leaving for the city after the plumbers leave for 4 days eith my Grandson. A nice break! No gambling thoughts today!

[vera]

Would the Insurance Company cover hotel expenses, Lizbeth?
I know some people who had household damage and they were housed in hotels, while the repair work was being carried out.

[lizbeth4]

My water leak has been fixed! There is no water damage. I feel so much better. I can stay in my home when I get back from the city. The A.C. guy is still waiting for the part he needs. It’s coming together! Heading for the city!!

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. Appreciated. Your ac unit saga sounds like my hot water saga, wrong part, this and that and the other which all takes time but it works perfectly now in fact better than ever so I guess the lesson for me is that it does get sorted even though it is frustrating at the time, so to try and not get anxious about it ie don’t sweat the small stuff. Good to hear that it is all getting sorted out Liz.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Thank you for posting on my thread – my head is a bit pickled at the moment – I’m glad you are getting your repairs done and you deserve those days with your grandson .
It’s horrible what we do to ourselves but you are taking all the right steps .
Keep strong xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica and i-did-it for your posts. My Daughter has left for her trip. It’s early here and my Grandson is still sleeping. He is still adjusting to 7th grade and a new school with new kids. I remember it was a hard time for my girls going through puberty. He and I played games last night and talked and snuggled. It was great! I’m going to meet a friend for breakfast and catch up on things with her. Knowing that I can stay in my house when I get home has taken a lot of anxiety from me!!!

[lizbeth4]

I connected with a good friend for breakfast and we talked non stop for 2 hours. She is 24 years older than me and a very wise woman. I picked up a few items for a spaghetti dinner for my Grandson. He had a emotional outburst yesterday before his Mom left for her trip. I think that puberty and hormones had a lot to do with it. Adolescence is not easy. My Daughter felt bad about leaving and has called several times. He has settled down and is calmer. We have a few plans this weekend! Even though my A.C. isn’t working yet, I’m so grateful that the water leak is repaired and I can stay in my home again. I haven’t had any gambling thoughts or urges. I’m finding that the last gambling episode took so much out of Me! I can’t do that again!

[lizbeth4]

My Grandsoon and I stayed up very late watching TV. He is still sleeping but I managed to wake up early. LOL! Today we have no plans except this evening when we see my Daughter and Granddaughter. I felt a bit of anxiety yesterday but I’m feeling better this morning. I really hope my A.C. issues are resolved next week so I can move forward.

[finding_laura]

Hey Liz,

sounds like you’ve been making it through a rough patch. The anxiety and depression can be hard to deal with and don’t forget you are likely going through withdrawal as well which just makes it worse (PAWS). Hope the AC is working when you get home and at least you will feel like you have your comfort in your own place. I wrote a note to all three ladies back in recovery on IDI’s thread. I have faith that you will all come out the other side of this. Enjoy your time with your grandson. Laura

[lizbeth4]

I saw your post on i-did-it thread. Thank you for your support. I am finally feeling better since my last relapse. Although my finances aren’t back to 100%, I’m making it day by day. I had a little money for the city and I’ve stretched it pretty far. I was unable to take my Grandson anywhere but I explained to him that we would do something special the next time I came. He and I are spending time together and he said he was glad to see my face this morning when he woke up!!! We may go swimming when we come back from seeing my Daughter and Granddaughter this evening. Laura, my A.C. won’t be working when I come home. The warranty company replaced the outside unit , $4000 but wouldn’t replace the inside part, the air handler. Which is $3100. We are awaiting the new part that connects to my existing air handler. Then the job will be complete. Problem is, it’s 16 years old and they are having trouble finding It! The service guy said he may have to replace the coils but isn’t sure the home warranty will cover it. In the end, I may have to come up with some money. It’s very complicated. I’m dealing the best I can.

[kathryn]

It doesn’t matter that you don’t have money to do something with your grandson.
I guarantee what he will remember is the time you spent together. Not where you went or what you did.
Your AC unit has turned into a bit of a drama!!!!
In saying that, try not to worry too much about what might happen. It hasn’t happened yet!!!!!
I cant remember a day as miserable as this one. Rain, hail, freezing cold. I’m still in my pj’s!!!
I dreamt of my mum last night. I didn’t see her but she was there, she taught my sister a dance. I was just walking to find her and I woke up. Not sure what that means, but it felt good knowing that she is still around.
Anyway, you have a lovely time with your grandy!!!!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

I replied on your thread! I had a thought today. If I can’t find a job and can’t get out of the financial mess I’m in, I’m contemplating selling my home. I only use half of it. I could downsize. Pros: buy smaller home, pay off all debts, have money in savings. Cons: lose a nice yard and view of the lake, decent neighbors. Something to think about. Options.

[vera]

Hold off on major decisions…what about selling your car? Can you bus/train/bike it for a few months ’til you get back to better times.Or take in a lodger/student? Moving house is hugely stressfull. Praying for you, Lizbeth.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera for your concern and support! It’s just a option if I exhaust all other avenues. There are no bus systems but I would be willing to bike during the spring and summer. As for the fall and winter, we do get snow. I’ve thought about a boarder, renter also. Just running different things through my head. I won’t make any rash decisions.

[lizbeth4]

I saw my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter yesterday evening. My Granddaughter came right to me and gave me a lot of kisses. It’s been 6 weeks since I saw her last. I brought my Daughter’s steel toed work boots to her as she officially starts her job tomorrow. She is struggling financially and I feel guilty that I can’t help her more. A result of my gambling! This addiction has caused fear, shame, guilt to linger in me. Will I ever be free of these feelings? It causes self doubt and low self esteem. Sometimes I feel less than everyone around me and that I’m only existing.

[lizbeth4]

I’m going home tomorrow! I’m getting gambling urges! ??????? Working through them.

[lizbeth4]

I’m home. I pass 2 casinos on the way home. One I’ve banned from the other I haven’t. I will make a point to ban myself. I visited with my Mom for a couple hours, went to the library and picked a few items up from the market. I had no money to gamble with, which was good!!!! I took my Grandson to school this morning and I promised him that we would go to the movies and arcade the next time I’m there. Hopefully in October. I’m hoping to hear about the A.C. this week and I pray that some resolution can be made which will cost me nothing. It is warm today but bearable. The next 10 days the weather will be cooler and there are chances of rain!!! I’m making a priority list of goals I want to accomplish. I’m keeping it to myself and not sharing with anyone. It’s a personal goal list that Iwant to strife towards. Tomorrow yard work as new weeds have popped up in my yard!!!

[bettie]

Hi Lizbeth,
In the United States they cannot touch retirement funds. That is why Oj didn’t have to pay Nicole’s parents any money because his income is all from retirement income.
Collection agents will say anything to collect. That’s how they get paid. That’s also illegal.
I hope things are going well for you now.
Betti

[lizbeth4]

I had figured out that the creditors couldn’t touch my retirement. I’ve had 1 creditor turn my account over to a law firm and they filed papers in my local courts for a judgement but we came to a agreement on a monthly payment plan with my debt consolidation program. (8 accounts) 2 creditors wouldn t join and those are the ones threatening me. I send them what I can but they are threatening legal action. I know they can put liens on my property, ect….These companies buy charged off accounts to make money. I will deal with them. They amounts aren’t large but there is little money left to get ahead. A part time job is the answer!!!

[lizbeth4]

It’s RAINING! A lot of thunder and lightning! No yard work today. It’s a good day for watching movies and reading. I hardly slept. I had a upset stomach all night. I think it’s from the anxiety of being home and facing reality. On a positive note, the temperature has dropped dramatically.

[kathryn]

So glad you made it home safe and sound!
Also glad to read that the heat has subsided for you a bit!!!
Its been so cold here, I don’t ever remember having cold like this, major storms last weekend, hail and freezing temps….ugh!
I’m sure this global warming business has something to do with it.
Hows the job hunt going?
I have the heat pack on my shoulders this morning. Ive had a sore back the last 2 days, its been twingy and I woke up this morning feeling like I have a huge weight pressing down on my shoulder blades. I haven’t done anything to cause it, at least I don’t think. I wonder if its a bit of worry about this tax debt? Hopefully after my accountant appt today it will feel a bit lighter!!!!!
Anyways, my sister in law will be here any minute, shes dropping in for a coffee and a little catch up before I head off.
As always, with love, K xxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

I’m trying to stay positive! Did i mention that my stove/oven stopped working in the midst of everything else? I have to cook solely in the microwave. I may get a toaster oven down the road. The oven isn’t covered under the warranty. So much stress! Little money left for food or gas next month! All bills need to be paid, no deferments! A payment on my late property taxes is due and the new bill is coming out soon. I have to pay a percentage of my cardiologist appointment next month . They do not bill. Everything has to be paid or there are major consequences. I will have to deal and live on the little left. Debt is a big stressor for me. My CG mind is telling me to gamble when I get paid and WIN money to get out of the hole. We all know that it doesn’t work that way. I guess I’m looking for a easy way out! But that’s not the way it will be. I have to get through this!!!! My last few gambling episodes really put me further back financially although I was already struggling. The job hunt here isn’t going well. Not many opportunities. Right now I feel like the biggest loser.

[lizbeth4]

I joined a travel group last year. (Free) It consists of women only, many travel solo. They offer many different trips. I like it because the group’s are small, 20 people. They are in the planning stages for the 2019 trips. You can pre register, no obligation and can back out if you want to. I’ve pre registered for a September 2019, Mount Rushmore trip! A place that is on my list. In March a deposit is due and 6 weeks before the trip, the remainder is due. By March, I will have $400 extra per month because 3 loans/credit cards will be paid off. Travel is something that I want to do! I feel like this is my opportunity!!!! I need to take the plunge.

[lizbeth4]

I woke early to take my Mother grocery shopping. She is capable of doing this herself. She wanted to argue and start a fight so I just left as she was playing the victim again. I let her into my life a bit more than usual as she knows about my last gambling episode and finances. I feel like she uses against me to make me feel bad about myself. I already feel bad enough. Time to shut her out again. BLAH!!!! It is raining which is nice!

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t done anything today but watch movies and eat! I tried to do some beading but couldn’t get interested in it. Seems the only thing to keep my interest is doing yard work. Which I will do tomorrow if it’s not raining. I hate my life and what I let this addiction do to me! I feel unworthy of anything good. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even trying. Maybe I should just sell my home, get what I can and move back to the city. Find a small apartment. I’m ready to give up!!!

[kathryn]

Please, please don’t give up.
I know things seem dark right now.
You have registered for this Mount Rushmore trip, that’s something to really work towards and look forward to.
You say its on your list…do you actually have a list?
Do you have a vision board? I swear it works! Get some old magazines and start cutting….pictures, words, all the things you want to do and achieve. Then put it in a frame, on the fridge, on the wall where you can see it every single day. Its actually quite fun to do. I did it a few years ago and had I think 6 things I wanted. At this stage Ive done 5. Pretty amazing. The only thing I haven’t done is learn to cook and to be honest I hate cooking so I’m not too sad about that one…lol.
I just went and got it to have a look…..it was 2013 when I started it.
Ive opened the first page and its furniture and house things…..and look, ive been decorating my house!!!
Next page is saving to go to Jodes wedding in Fiji…..we did that!!!
Next is learn to cook…….big fat nope on that one lol.
Get fit…..I lost 20kg that year.
Read more….still working on that one, I love a good book.
Next page says 2021….the plan, on turning over theres my travel page. And the next is October 2017….NEW YORK!!!!
Seeing is believing my friend.
Wow, that’s kind of blown my brain.
Start working on that board, its fun, will fill your time, give you a purpose and take your mind off everything for a while.
I think I’m going to keep working on this book. Theres more I want to do. And interestingly enough, there wasn’t one page with a $ on it. While its important, its not everything!!!
Ok, so I babbled a bit tonight, but I know you will get through this, you have been through worse.
Don’t throw in the towel just yet!!!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn! Your kind words and support helped to settle me a bit. I feel like my whole world is imploding. I’m trying to make everything better but it feels like a losing battle. I get more depressed as the days go by. Friday I will be calling the A.C. company again. It will be going on 7 business days since they were here. There has to be a resolution to this. If it’s the worse case scenario, I will have no heat this winter (heat pump). I will have to depend on space heaters. A lot of worries and I’m tired of worrying. I have started a vision board but like everything else in my life, it’s come to a standstill. No motivation! I want to pull the covers over my head and never come out. It looks like it is going to rain but I’m going to try and pull some weeds today.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
What makes you think that you are unworthy of anything good Lizbeth? When I read your posts I hear somebody who is worth knowing, someone who gives love and care to others but who doesn’t give enough love and care to herself.
Look at all the support you give others on this forum, this site would be a lesser place without you. You use your experience of addiction to help others – that makes you worthy in my book. The lives of those you love would be depleted without you; you make their lives better just by being there; I am sure they would be devastated if they thought you hated your own life.
Don’t be afraid to have good thoughts about yourself – you don’t deserve the criticisms you heap on yourself.
When you booked your trip to Mount Rushmore you were at last doing something good for you. Do something good for ‘you’ today too and then post and tell us what you did – it doesn’t have to be as big as a trip to Mount Rushmore but it will be read by many because people care about you.
We care because you are worth it Lizbeth.
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Velvet, Thank you for your post! It opened my eyes! I guess I’m not worthy of good things because I’ve messed up so many times. I’ve let this addiction get the best of me. I knew the damage it was causing and I continued to enable it to try and destroy me. I was so weak!!! I am really trying this time with my recovery. I’m going to GA and counseling. Mount Rushmore may be only a dream but I need something to look forward to. Recovery is hard and sometimes a lonely place. I think my emotions are getting the best of me!!! Today while doing yard work, i had humming birds flying around me. They are attracted to the trumpet vines. They made me feel happy!!

[kathryn]

You weren’t weak, you have an addiction.
If you knew this would happen to you when you first started gambling would you still go down that road?
I doubt any of us would have ever imagined we would end up where we are due to our gambling. I would have run for the hills if I had forseen what would happen, straight out that venue door and never looked back.
Lizbeth, you have a lot going on right now.
Its natural to be emotional. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Be it small, its there.
When did you go to the library last? I haven’t heard you speak of it for a while?
Do they have any groups there, like a bookclub, morning tea, something to get you out of that house and back into the land of the living?
I don’t know how old you are Lizbeth, but if you are in the ‘older’ category, is there perhaps a community centre with groups/art/exercise/garden club?
I’m grasping at straws I know, but I can hear the lonliness in your posts, the world isn’t going to come to you Lizbeth, you need to go out and get it.
Just a few small steps, be open to the possibilities.
I know its hard to get motivated when you feel down, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.
Love K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

It was good to see your post. I started going to a church I really like. They have a woman’s group that meets weekly for breakfast and many other activities. I just have to participate and right now I’m not capable of doing so. I go to the library 3 times a week. I will come out of my shell when I’m ready. I was up at 4am as I went to bed early. I pulled weeds for 3 hours and I kind of over did it. I’m going to work in the backyard again today but for a shorter duration. I did do some beading yesterday. I feel things returning to normal. Slowly! I will get there. This last gambling episode really impacted me. I know I don’t want to go there again!

[lizbeth4]

I spent the morning doing yard work. Later I went to the library. I decided to call the A.C. company and the new part was there after waiting 7 business days! Hopefully on Thursday when they come out everything will be completed!! Fingers crossed. I checked my mail and I had a letter that I was late on a payment, which was deferred for 2 months. This agreement was made 10 days ago. And they charged me $36! So I will have to call them again on Monday. I swear, the companies I deal with are inept!!! Frustrating. My depression has lessened. I’m not back to “normal” bit I’m getting there.

[lizbeth4]

My brain won’t shut down and I didn’t sleep well. I worried about my late payment letter. As I had talked to someone on the 21st, I’m assuming that letters crossed in the mail. I will call on Monday. Meantime, I will try to release it and not dwell on it!! I’m not pulling weeds today as I was bit numerous times by mosquitoes after I had used 3 products. I think all of the rain is attracting them. I might trim back a large shrub tomorrow after church. Gratitude is my word today. I have many things to be grateful for. I don’t want to lose sight of this and let my mind get bogged down with the negatives.

[lizbeth4]

My brain won’t shut down and I didn’t sleep well. I worried about my late payment letter. As I had talked to someone on the 21st, I’m assuming that letters crossed in the mail. I will call on Monday. Meantime, I will try to release it and not dwell on it!! I’m not pulling weeds today as I was bit numerous times by mosquitoes after I had used 3 products. I think all of the rain is attracting them. I might trim back a large shrub tomorrow after church. Gratitude is my word today. I have many things to be grateful for. I don’t want to lose sight of this and let my mind get bogged down with the negatives.

[lizbeth4]

My brain won’t shut down and I didn’t sleep well. I worried about my late payment letter. As I had talked to someone on the 21st, I’m assuming that letters crossed in the mail. I will call on Monday. Meantime, I will try to release it and not dwell on it!! I’m not pulling weeds today as I was bit numerous times by mosquitoes after I had used 3 products. I think all of the rain is attracting them. I might trim back a large shrub tomorrow after church. Gratitude is my word today. I have many things to be grateful for. I don’t want to lose sight of this and let my mind get bogged down with the negatives.

[lizbeth4]

I went to the library and to my Mom’s house today. I checked the mail to see if the loan company had sent a letter about the 2 deferred payments that were agreed upon on the 14th of this month. Nothing. Phone calls again on Monday to straighten this out. My youngest Daughter and Sister text me with bad news today. I tried to be supportive. I’m overwhelmed, depressed and can find no inspiration in my life. I’m traveling down that dark place again. Something has to give. I am at the end of my rope!! I haven’t felt this way since my Husbands death. I don’t know how much more I can take. It serms everything is going to hell. As much as i try, I keep going backwards and can’t gain any ground. I do feel hopeless!!! I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I feel like all I’m doing is complaining and no one wants to hear it. Suggestions???? Any advice would help.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts on my thread. Firstly get the thought out of your head that you are complaining and no one wants to hear it, that simply isn’t true.
Our inspiration comes from God or our higher power we have to give all our problems over to him and let go. We cannot solve all of our problems on our own. It is hardest to do this when it involves our family, we do what we can do but the rest is through prayer and our higher power.
I too have felt less than great this weekend, I feel a tiredness and a little weary. I think it is partly the change of the seasons coming in.
We are moving forwards when we don’t gamble, when we don’t add to the problems we have. I too feel sometimes that it is one step forward and two steps back but I give thanks that I am still here and I have a roof,over my head, in one year and two weeks gf, that is all I have managed to do and pay off, but I have to move forward. I am grateful I can buy nice food and help my kids and grandkids out when they need it. There are multiple blessings if we look for them. We have grandchildren, many don’t get to have grandchildren or even live that long to see it. So we start where we are and give thanks for what we do have. We find it and we keep moving. Because that is the right thing to do.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, thanks for your post. I get everything that you are saying and I used to believe it. But I’ve lost my faith. I’ve been beaten down too many times. I don’t want to gamble. But I want to see results from being gamble free. I feel hollow and that I’m just existing not living. I am miserable. I do love my Grandchildren with all of my heart. That’s the only time I really feel anything. I can’t help anyone else as I am barely keeping my head above water. My Sister and I talked last night and I’m thinking again about selling my home and moving to the city. This would get me out of debt completely but with bad credit, where would I live? Every path there are roadblocks. I can’t find any clarity. I am stuck! Here in the states the creditors are more aggressive if you have assets they can seize. Some creditors wouldn t go on my debt repayment plan and I’m paying them separately. Sometimes my money can’t stretch that far. It’s become more than I can handle. Mentally and spiritually I’m drained and depleted. I’m tired and unmotivated. It’s a vicious cycle and I see no end in sight.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth I am out hardly any reception……having a nightmare and your last post popped up……please if you get this…..sit…..think……look out the window and see the good…..I promise to get to a computer and reply with the next few hours……thinking of you my friend.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Maverick, Thanks for your post and concern. I’m hanging in there. No need to rush to get on a computer. Today I’m just sitting and thinking.

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz. Do not feel that you complain. One of the reasons this site can be helpful is that we can be honest about how we are feeling. Gambling takes us to dark places. It cuts off options and freedom. The very thing we hope to gain by gambling sometimes. Have you touched base with your counselor since these latest feelings have set in? What happens when a lien gets put against your house? Does it just mean you can’t sell without paying them? Or are there other financial implications? Anyway you could leverage your home’s equity? To combine debt into something manageable?Not wanting to stir up bad feelings, just trying to get a bit of a grasp on your situation. Anxiety and depression are real, especially when we have things that are weighing us down. When i would get overwhelmed by the chaos I had created, others here would tell me to try and break it down into manageable pieces. Make a list of the tasks you need to tackle (like calling on Monday about arrangements) so that you don’t have to leave them on your mind at night. Try and deal with what you can but not beat yourself up about what you can’t. You are human. And one who has carried a lot of weight on her shoulders for all her life. Being a kind tender hearted person is not a failing. And hurting ourselves before we would dare to hurt another is one of the reasons we gamble. But we have to learn that we can’t continue to take the pain forever. We are cutting off our nose to spite our face. The lessons get too hard! Hugsss Liz. Wish we could all pop over for a support group. A cup of hot tea with supportive friends seems to make things a little better. Hold on tight. Don’t lose ground. Please find a way to pamper yourself. Tomorrow is another day. xo

[finding_laura]

glad to see Maverick also posted while I was in between composing!

[lizbeth4]

I spent the day with my Mother. I broke down and told her my plans. Crying helped relieve some stress. She was totally understanding and helpful. Tomorrow I will be making some phone calls. I will see what results. I am on a debt consolidation plan plus I pay 4 creditors who wouldn’t join the plan, IRS, car payment, 3 loans, living expenses, back property taxes. Ugh!! This leaves me with little money and no emergency fund. Everyone of my slips has even put me further in the hole. It’s too much stress. I would never get a home equity loan as my interest rate would be high because of my credit and I’m using my houses as collateral. Not a option for me. Liens against your property mean that you can’t sell till they are paid off. I just don’t like it. My number one priority is my house and the house my oldest Daughter and Grandson live in. If things don’t work out tomorrow I’m taking ( Veras advice ) and in going to give my car back to the bank. I owe 12 more payments. I have equity in it and after auction and the balance of the loan is paid off thete will be money left that will go to me. I can by a used car. I can use my Mom’s car in the meantime. It’s just a thing and doesn’t mean anything to me. It would free up a chunk of money monthly. We will see tomorrow how everything goes down. I feel a little better as I ate a healthy lunch. Maybe I will be able to sleep tonight.

[lizbeth4]

PS: I wish I was able to edit. I see typos and it drives me crazy. Tried to edit but it didn’t work.

[kathryn]

Well im hopeless when it comes to understanding anything about house loans/liens etc.
I just pay my rent every week.
I often drive past my old house and think ‘what if’ (its on the way to Jodes)
I know all to well that feeling of existing and not living.
Its totally depressing.
I don’t know the answer. All I know is that I existed for many years before I started to really live. Paying off the debt due to my gambling was the greatest day of my life! (well not really but it came damn close!)
It took 5 years.
There in lies the problem.
As a cg I was always after the quick fix. Just gamble a bit and win a lot and life will be perfect!
We both know how that scenario goes.
I don’t think ive been one bit of help.
But ive been there Lizbeth.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn, your posts are very important to me and always helpful. Fortunately, I’m not having any gambling urges or thoughts during this stressful period. The bottom line is that I have too much debt verses my income. I’m at the point where it’s too much. I can’t sell my car myself as there is a lien on it from the bank and another one from another loan company. Prior gambling money . I will call the loan company this morning and see why they haven’t followed through with their deferment plan and take it from there. I’m tired of living this way. I have no problem paying off my debts but this load is too big. I will do everything to protect my houses. It is 330am here. Another restless night.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth,

So sorry for the late reply, also really sorry to hear of your ongoing struggle, Its really tricky to advise where to go and what to do, could you seek independent advice to find out the best way forward ? financialy I mean…….ie your car, your house, like you say you need somewhere to live………I know is tough but try and stay positive it always helps to be in that mind set, I will post again later as out and about and not at home, just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

Take care and speak soon.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Maverick, Thank you for your support. Just trying to sort everything and feeling overwhelmed. I’ve broken down my debts as suggested here and my payments are manageable but there are too many of them. I’ve been late on payments and had to juggle payments. My gamblinh slips have only added to the existing problems. Ummm. It’s a vicious cycle. Its zapping my positivity.

[finding_laura]

Morning Liz. Kathryn’s post gets to the heart of things. We got to these bad financial places by continuing to think we could change the result by gambling one more time.

It seems the rules are different everywhere. Here home equity loans are low interest because you have something they can take if you default. Bettie may have some insight as she is in the states and has some financial experience in this area. But sounds like you have a starting point with your car. It’s good that you can get lots of points of view from everyone here. You never know what may help.

This is so stressful!

Hang in there Liz. One step at a time you will find your way through this. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Laura, Your credit score determines the interest rate you will get. Mine is low so my interest rate is going to be high. Yes, you are using your home as collateral. I don’t trust myself to do that!!! Yes, I have put myself in this position because of my gambling I haven’t lost sight of that. A big deterrent to not gamble again. There are bad implications in giving my vehicle back to the loan company. I’m going to try to work with them again today. I feel like I’m not being complacent in working out my problems. I’m not giving up. I’m trying to find a more manageable solution. There is no quick fix. It took time to get in this position and it will take time to repay everything.

[finding_laura]

Dear Liz, you are definitely not being complacent. You are doing your best to deal with the creditors. It takes a lot of strength and courage to get through this and I know anxiety levels can soar. Hugs Liz wishing you lots of strength. One day at a time. xo

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Due to my own recent gambling I have not been as regular in posting and have just caught up with your thread.

I am so sorry to read that you have been having such a horrible time .

If you were to extend the car loan for perhaps another two years would that lower the payments enough to help you get by ?
Would your daughter consider getting a mortgage and buying the property she is in? You could then gift both your daughters a large amount of money and still have enough to live debt free and stress free . Just think you could travel and do so many wonderful things without the constant worry.

This may seem inconceivable right now but your daughter is a grown woman who will cope with the responsibility , you could sell it to her at a reduced price rather than gifting her money – if the creditors become aggressive you could lose it anyway. You deserve a bit of peace in life – I pay a large mortgage and even in the darkest days I have never missed a payment . Your daughter would also own a property and that would give her freedom to move if she wished or even encourage her to move up the property ladder . It would give her more ownership and she could invest as much or as little as she wishes in her home . It is a win- win situation !

I think it was Kathryn who mentioned a vision board – I feel that’s a really great idea because it helps us focus on what we really want to have and to do, instead of drifting and acting on impulse .
I did a vision board once but it was in the early stages (and unaware stage ) of my gambling addiction – and I assumed everything was coming from a big win. I am going to do a new one – actually I think I will do a vision book! We could do ours together and compare our progress and encourage each other.

The reason I believe a vision board would be good for you is that I feel you put everyone in your life before your own needs – and it might good to focus on you and your needs .

Lisbeth, we do land ourselves in horrible situations with gambling and never seem to learn – go without money and ban from that casino you mentioned – close every door .
I have laura on my case about setting up my barriers again and it is helping in that I am hurriedly trying to get things in place before I meet her in group next !(lol). I did try to open new gambling accounts again last night but I was banned – I realise there will always be another time if I don’t have every barrier tight.

About groups- I feel you would get a lot from the open groups – I don’t think I have ever met you in chat but I would really like to . I think chatting would help you see things clearer – when we are stressed things go Around in our heads and become overwhelming . It is also kinda a free hour of meeting with friends without having to pay for drinks or coffee !

I think I better stop there- just Lizbeth bear in mind we have been in bad situations before and we always get through them – keep strong xx

[lizbeth4]

I -did-it, I can’t get into the support groups with my phone. Don’t know why as I’ve tried before. My Daughter can’t secure a mortgage loan. She doesn’t make enough money and she owes a lot in student loans. Between her boyfriend and herself, they can pay the mortgage. So that’s a no on that option. I use all the tax write offs. Right now, only one creditor has been aggressive. They are all gettting monthly payments. I am trying to work with the car loan company. I’m calling again this morning. We will see if they are willing to work with me. After my Sept 5th Dr’s appointment in the city, I will be pursuing employment. I’ve put barriers in place and I’m working recovery. I’m taking all the steps to stay gamble free. One day at a time.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve contacted the car loan company. The past due notice was sent in error. 3 payments were put on the end of my loan and I don’t have a payment till November. This will help greatly. In the interim I will hopefully find employment. If I keep on my path I will start seeing debts fall off starting in October.  Small ones but gets me closer to being debt free! My goal!!! I will send the aggressive creditor more money and lower that debt. Thanks everyone for your support. For myself, feeling overwhelm is one of the worse feelings. Thursday, my A.C. is going to be finished. Feeling anxious as I don’t know if the labor is going to be covered by the home warranty. I’m hoping for the best outcome. I feel like my day is going to be good.

[lizbeth4]

PS. I’ve done vision boards before. I’ve started one which features the places I want to travel to.

[kathryn]

Hopefully things are looking up for you.
Lord knows you deserve it.
What happened to that vision board? Maybe its time to put it up again?
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

I’m hoping that Thursday the A.C. is fixed, No complications!!! Then I fell that I can move forward. Maybe resume the vision board. Yesterday I sold 2 baby jackets. The woman who bought them is around my age and a caregiver. We talked and I got some insights from her. I need to get my CPR card and my fingerprint clearance card. The need for caregivers is great in my area. She maybe able to help me in getting jobs also. That’s what I’m planning on doing. I can set own hours and I’m available evenings and weekends. I’m feeling better mentally. September will be tight for money but October will be better.

[lizbeth4]

Today I was very productive. I trimmed large shrubs and cut off some large branches from a tree in my backyard . Then I cut them all up so they would fit in my trash can. I’m tired but I like that feeling of looking at my work and saying, hey that looks better. My garden is producing squash, tomatoes and I’m getting strawberries again. The peaches are finished for the year. So, I’m incorporating the fresh veggies in my diet. Love them! Going to take a shower and head to my Mom’s house. She is making a pot of vegetarian beans!!! I am feeling some relief from the car loan. It lightens the load for awhile. I need to find $100 for my CPR card and my fingerprint clearance card. It may have to wait till October. In the meantime I’m still looking for part time work. I feel like things will get better with time.

[lizbeth4]

I had a scare today. I hadn’t heard from my youngest Daughter and I was getting worried. We message daily and I see her on social media. I reached out to the woman she lives with via FB and just like I thought my Daughter had lost her phone. Everything is fine. She’s working and her friend is watching my Granddaughter. My Daughter has come a long, long way and she inspires me! Nothing new today, I donated clothing to our woman’s shelter and visited the library. I’m feeling better mentally but still feeling anxious about my A.C. final repairs
which will be addressed tomorrow afternoon. Don’t know if they will be covered by my home warranty. But I have to deal with it, right? I have a Dr’s appointment for my yearly physical, later next month. I’m really thinking about asking for a light antidepressant. This last bout with depression was very overwhelming and debilitating. It couldn’t hurt.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter was able to get a advance at work and purchased another phone and text me this evening. I also called my Grandson to say HI! Family is everything to me! That’s where my heart is. I’ve decided to place a ad online in our local FB site. I’m going to advertise my services as a Elderly companion. I will do meal preparations, errands, grocery shopping, ect….My community exists of 15,000 people. Many are elderly. Although I’m considered a senior at age 60. With the jobs I get, I can pay for my CPR card and my fingerprint clearance card. We will see how it goes. I can pursue other avenues for employment if this doesn’t pan out. I feel like I’ve been stuck in my head for way too long. Dwelling on the negatives in my life. It’s time to take action and try to accomplish the things I’ve been dreaming of. I feel like today is a new beginning for me!!

[lizbeth4]

The A.C. is up and going. The part was replaced on the 16 year old air handler. I will eventually have to replace the air handler. I’m hoping to get through to next summer. All the better for me to find employment. My Daughter called and her babysitter had a emergency and had to go out of town for a few days. So I went down this evening and picked up my Granddaughter. She is so precious.

[finding_laura]

Great to read the good news Liz! September may be tight but it is one month! Hopefully you can squeeze out a couple more of your little sales and enjoy a few more veggies from the garden. You are sounding hopeful about the future. You dug in, you did what you had to, you worked through it.

When I did a vision board I had read suggestions that you try and break things down into feelings as well. For example, often people put luxury items or money or other wealth related things. But often perhaps we are looking for is things like “choices, security, comfort, beauty” etc. So then really look at how we would get some of those things in a non material way. It was said this could help bring more meaning to a vision board.

Enjoy your granddaughter. Blessings need to be soaked up and dwelt on!

Have a lovely weekend Liz.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

I’m taking a moment to post while my Granddaughter is sleeping. I grabbed a quick shower and a bowl of cereal. She is a delight. 16 months old and full of energy. I’m taking her home tomorrow as my Daughter has Monday off as it’s a holiday here. I put 3 pieces of my jewerly up for sale. Not expensive pieces and not sentimental either. I’m selling 1 to someone I know here. So it will help me get through September. I will be able to pay my bills and be in a better position moving forward. I haven’t thought about gambling. 

[kathryn]

Glad to read the AC is up and running.
That extra cash will be a big help to you. I sold a bed online as well, being picked up today.
Its fathers day here today. We are expecting Brea and the kids any moment. My favourite part is what the boys write on the cards….always something funny.
Anyways, enjoy that grand baby!!!!!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Can’t sleep. Baby us sleeping soundly. I will get through September. I’ve held on to a little money now for 3 weeks and haven’t spent it. I’ve been loading up my pantry every time there’s a sale at the local grocery store. I could make it a month on what I have. I still have projects to accomplish around the house before winter. Really hopeful that I will find employment sometime in September also. I’m just going to keep my positive thoughts going. No gam8ng urges. I’m am blessed with a,lot. I just have to keep my path and move forward.

[Monica1]

I am pleased to read your last thread! You can do this. It is one day at a time and it looks to me like you are being very wise with the money you have. When we finally get it that we can no longer gamble at all on anything the urges do reduce.

[lizbeth4]

I have 4 items for sale on the FB site. No interest yet but any items I sell, the money will be saved for September. I used to waste so much money on gambling and buying items I didn’t need. Most of them have been resold and I don’t miss them at all. My Granddaughter is napping. I’m taking her back to the city this afternoon. I haven’t thought of gambling as it would have disastrous consequences for me. Bills unpaid, ect… I can’t do that anymore. I need to keep going in the right direction.

[lizbeth4]

Yesterday was a long day! I took my Granddaughter home (2 hours each way) My Mom came with and sat in the back and entertained baby. A stop each way to change diaper, walk around and get a cold water. It rained really hard 25 miles from home. Cool mornings and evenings. Autumn is almost here. I thought of blowing the leaves today but since it’s a holiday I’ve decided to do laundry and clean the house. Tomorrow is payday. Bills to pay and I’m getting a overdue haircut. I’m getting 4 inches taken off so it’s just hitting my shoulders. Mote manageable. Wednesday, Mom and I are off to my Cardiologist appointment in the city with a lunch out and a trip to the mall. Big deal for us as we don’t have a mall at home. I picked more veggies from my garden that I will be steaming today. Feeling content.

[finding_laura]

Sounds like a nice long weekend. Labour day here too. Keep making the next right choice and you will be amazed at where it leads you. Glad the urges are staying away. That makes it a little easier. Have you started on any jewelry?
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Yes, I’ve made 2 rings. My first attempt.  I need to perfect them a bit. I need to try and buy a few things every month. I have the bare basics. Everything will fall into place with the jewelry making. I was just side tract for awhile.

[lizbeth4]

It’s payday. After reviewing my account and bills are paid, there will be little left. Then why am i having gambling thoughts? I know I can’t gamble responsibly. So, I’m going take a shower, get my hair cut and prepare for my trip to the city tomorrow. Maybe I will go to the library. I will get through this.

[kathryn]

You’re having gambling thoughts because the addiction knows you have money. Pay everything ASAP! Get that money where it needs to go. Then go have that haircut and ask the girl for an extra long head massage at the basin!
I’m off for the rest of the week! Yay!!!
Have heaps to do today as we are going on a little camping trip tomorrow for 3 nights. I’ll post about it on my thread later. Need to get back here more often! Work is making me so tired lately. I think I’m getting old !!!
Talk soon and don’t let that addiction send you backwards, remember the feeling Lizbeth, it’s just not worth it!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Have a good camping trip! You deserve it! I didn’t gamble. I paid the bills and had my hair cut. The urges are still there as I had to juggle a few bills again, prioritize what was paid. I think that is why the gambling urges are resurfacing. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to persevere. I went to the city for my Cardiologist appointment. All is well. My Mom and I went shopping and out for lunch. I only bought a outfit for my Granddaughter on clearance for $5. Very cute! I’m tired!!! Long day! My online job ad is getting posted tomorrow. Looking forward to responses. If not I will have to look into other avenues.

[vera]

Juggling money ALWAYS sets my mind onto gambling thoughts, Lizbeth.
If I dwell for a split second on that thought , it changes to action, and the action causes ruin.
We all know that.
We just need to remember it.
Glad to hear your appointment went well.
Health is wealth!
Gambling steals both.

[lizbeth4]

I’m not sure how i feel today! Have you ever felt that way? I’m tired and drained. I’m mentally drained also. I’m going to mail my Granddaughters outfit today. I don’t plan on doing much more. I placed my job ad on FB. I’m not sure if I need to tweak it a little. There are a lot of things I want to start working on regarding my life but for today I’m going to relax and get through my mood. Tomorrow is a new day!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve had trouble logging in to my account here!! Yikes! I really need to post. I am very depressed, tired and just down in the dumps. I know it’s only been 1 day since I’ve posted my seeking employment ad on the FB sites here but I’m already feeling defeated???? I also applied online for 2 other jobs today. I finally realized that I needed a job ASAP. My budget looks good on paper but lifes uncertainties keep popping up. I feel myself just backsliding again and again. I’m second guessing myself too. I haven’t worked for 9 years. I guess I’ve lost my confidence. I can barely function today and I have a splitting headache. I’m reaching for something positive.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
I feel it is something in us with gambling addiction that we want everything instantly !
Give the job situation a little bit of time .

It may be a long time since you have had a job have you have survived and learned a lot in that time – you have dealt with grief, worries , all kinds of situations and people and u have come through it. You will be an asset to any employer .

Hope you are feeling more upbeat xx

[lizbeth4]

I am tired and have had a nagging headache all day, which is exasperating my feelings! Yes, I am impatient. Thank you i-did-it for your positive words . I need to find my confidence again. I need to find me again. I will keep praying that I will find employment.

[lizbeth4]

I slept the best that I have in months. I think I was just exhausted! I still have a little bit of a headache but nothing compared to yesterday. I was thinking yesterday of how my CG brain works. It’s like a drug addict or a alcoholic. I crave the gambling . I’ve self destroyed my financial stability and pushed people away. Recovery is hard but that’s the only answer for true peace of mind and happiness. It gives me a lot of respect for my Daughter’s and their sobriety and recovery. I’m venturing out today: the library, dollar store, my Mom’s. Sunday my oldest Daughter, her boyfriend and my Grandson are coming by for a visit. They will be camping nearby.

[kathryn]

I’ve always been a believer that if you put it out there it will come. (whether that’s just in my head or not I feel like it works)
Sure, not instantly (idi hit the nail on the head there) but im sure the right job is out there for you, and it WILL come!
Lovely that your daughter and grandson are coming for a visit.
Brea, her hubby and the kids came and visited us while we were camping yesterday. Tex loved it! Heaps of birds, a park and he ran and ran….I was exhausted. I then had a beautiful long cuddle with Della, I feel like she knows my touch, I seem to manage to get her to sleep all the time! (bragging Granny right here!!! LOL)
Back today to unpack and a lot of washing….everything smelt like smoke from the fire we had!!! Ugh!!!
Anyways, enjoy the rest of your weekend,
Love K xxx

[maverick.]

Lizbeth hope you have a wonderful game free day and enjoy seeing your family, gambling makes us blind we think we have nothing but in truth we have it all, with regards to employment its just like life Lizbeth “what will be will be” and something will come up when you least expect it.

Take care and look after yourself, will always wish you well .

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

I gambled again last night. I feel like a complete idiot! A different venue away from my hometown. Many times I could have walked away with my money. I’ve spent bill money! Why do i continue to fo this? I’m so disappointed in myself. I need to get a grip NOW! This is so stupid and demeaning and the fact is that I’m doing it to myself. I’m putting into jeopardy everything that I’ve worked for. I went with my kind of friend here who is a CG but doesn’t recognize it. It was a very negative experience. Then why can’t I stop? My creditors are going to get tired of my B.S. excuses for not paying on time. It’s time to buckle down and get it together NOW! Working full time for awhile. I’m calling on a job tomorrow. Right now, I’m feeling down, hate myself and need this vicious cycle to end.

[vera]

….I can’t stop, either, Lizbeth IF I start. I have come to the conclusion that the first thought, is the big danger . As soon as I dwell on that thought, I’m OFF! All I can say is I am really sorry you let your guard down. The only thing you can do is move on and start again. Gambling is a scourge for a CG! It will never be fun, once we have crossed that proverbial line.

[lizbeth4]

I am starting over today! I couldn’t post here without coming clean. I’ve now put myself in a bad financial situation. Praying for a job .

[lizbeth4]

I start babysitting tomorrow for a 8 month old boy. It will be 4 days a week, approximately 24 hours a week. I’m not going to make a ton of money but I’m doing something I like and feel comfortable with. I will have weekends off and 1 rotating day off during the week. It’s a start!

[vera]

Well done on getting a job, Lizbeth. Taking care of a baby is a VERY important job. No money would pay you for the huge responsibility involved. Now for the “advice”. Open an account (Post Office is probably the easiest) with 2 names. Perhaps your mam or you daughter. Lodge the money as you get paid and forget about it. You will be surprised at how quickly it mounts up. With 2 signatures required you will never gamble one cent of that money. Think of how fit you will be crawling after a growing baby and taking him for walks in a stroller. A new start, Lizbeth. This is great news.The last thing you need is a ton of money. Look on this a a privilege.

[lizbeth4]

I will start a account to deposit my money from babysitting. The first month though that money will have to be used to catch up on past due bills. Some relief. NOW to tackle some phone calls in the morning as I’ve bounced a check and I’m late on a,payment. I’m so worried and just sick over it!

[vera]

It’s not a crime to be a bit late on bills, Lizbeth. Pay the essentials. Don’t play into their hands. Some of these corporate bodies are ruthless. You have no intention of embezzling them . Don’t allow them to demoralize you. You still have your dignity. I have to say that listening around the rooms in GA it is apparent that the members who “go by the book” are the people who succeed in staying free of gambling. Those who adapt the “My way or the highway “approach often find ourselves in deep s%&* after a while. Do you still attend GA? Even if you listen and read the literature, your mindset will gradually change. I’m heard the least likely people coming out with very profound insights. Stay focused Liz. You will get the better of this addiction. The baby is lucky to get you as a minder. You are a very kind person and well experienced with babies. Bills come and go, Liz. They will be all paid of in God’s own time. Trust in Him to keep you on the straight and narrow.One day at a time. I’m praying for you.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been going to GA once a week in the city. Counseling twice a month. I’m scared right now. I can’t let this addiction get the best of me!!! It would be devastating! I’m praying too! I’ve just made too many promises to creditors and haven’t followed through. At some point they wont deal with me anymore. Thanks Vera for building my confidence. I’m feeling shattered right now. Trying to pick up the pieces.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
So sorry to read you gambled – it is so hard to stop and there is always another casino .

But hey … a massive well done and congratulations on getting that job – it won’t feel like work at all!
And how great will it be to catch up on some bills .

The creditors won’t get fed up while they are getting their money – even if it is a little late . They know ahi is better than the alternative where they get nothing.

I remember about six years ago asking for repayment plans with my creditors and they were most unhelpful .
I rang them all back again a few days later – said I was declaring bankrupt but would GIVE THEM once last chance to work with me and they did !
They are getting paid in full – I am not being harassed – win all round !

This job will give you a new lease of life and bring another young one into your life to love – it will also be a good distraction from gambling .

Life is starting to look real good Lizbeth !

[lizbeth4]

I am on a debt management plan. But 4 of my creditors wouldn’t join. Some months I don’t have enough money to pay everyone. This part time job will help me get caught up and fill in the gaps. Starting November, I will have 1 loan paid off. Which will give me $150 extra a month. I can’t blow any more money gambling. Next step is paying my late property taxes, which is doable by the end of this year. Xmas will be for the Grandkids again. No presents for the adults. Everything will be alright. I just can’t gamble. Incur anymore debt. Pray that nothing else falls apart in my house! LOL!! Hanging in there and feeling more positive today.

[lizbeth4]

The,babysitting went well. I’m doing it in my home. The baby isn’t crawling yet, so today was relatively easy. He is a pleasant and sweet baby. My Granddaughter’s babysitter sent me a pic this morning of her wearing a new outfit I sent her. It made my day! I called a creditor this morning and made up some B.S. story. I’m tired of it!!! No note! My positives today were,seeing the pic of my Granddaughter and being around a sweet baby all day. It’s going to be a early night.

[lizbeth4]

Went to bed too early and was up early. The parents I babysit for are 18 years old. I guess I was the only person that answered their ad that would babysit for them at a reduced rate. I’m answering another ad for office cleaning at night. I could work a night job for awhile also. Trying to pay down this debt so I can breath. Things could be worse. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and I’m healthy. The positives out weigh the negatives. Gotta go. The baby will be here soon. Good day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

My babysitting job; the baby is adorable and sweet. The parents???? The Dad never showed up to pick up his son. The Mother was working. After 1 hour late, I called him. Some B.S. story. I told him to come get his baby. He did and apologized I informed the Mom what was going on. She said he was lazy and unreliable. I told both of them that if they couldn’t follow what we had agreed upon, I wouldn t babysit for them. It’s not like I’m getting paid a lot. The pay would cover my electricity, water and garbage pick up. Applying for the night job tomorrow. It seems like I get caught up in weird situations. Why? Is it the vibes I send out???

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth
I have friends who work in crèches and would you believe that some professional parents actually go home, eat their dinner in peace and the return for their child at closing time ? This shocked me .
I think even though we have an addiction in many ways we are better parents than many!

I think this baby sitting job will make way for others – you will gain a reputation when people see you out and about with baby and others will want to book your services at full rate .

Well done on all the positive action you are taking

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your positive post. I am having trouble with communication with the baby’s parents. I think it is because they are so young. I’ve made it clear again what time i expect the child to be picked up. I’m being patient. I’ve put in my application with another company today. Problem is that this is small town and a lot of people are applying for the same position. I figure at some point I will land a job. I’m applying for part time evening and weekend work. The more i work the faster i will be debt free. I’m feeling more motivated. I don’t want to worry about unpaid bills anymore. The first step is to not gamble again.

[lizbeth4]

Taking a break to post while the baby is sleeping! I’m now rethinking the job situation. I can work in my home. Day hours
No weekend. Thinking about finding 1 more child to babysit. I can get a used double stroller for walks as the weather is cooling down. I have the next 3 days off. Time to pull up and clean out part of my garden. I also need to recaulk the trim on the back of the house. Sunday is church. I’m keeping busy . I had gambling thoughts today but I don’t have money or credit. Thank goodness. I will work through the urges!

[lizbeth4]

So, the 2nd day of babysitting, I had to call the Dad and he was 1 hour late. 3rd day. Today, Dad never showed up and Mom text me saying she had to work till 9pm. I’ve had the baby for 11 hours. I will make it clear,that if the baby can’t be picked up by 5pm, I can no longer babysit for them. I have a job interview tomorrow, cleaning 2 banks, 10 hours a week. I hope I get it! I’m very tired!!!

[vera]

Just tell the parents that as much as you love taking care of THEIR baby, you have a life of your own.
Tell them you will have t charge double time for every hour after 5pm.
In my experience NO money would pay for the huge responsibility of looking after a precious baby.
Don’t let them take advantage, Lizbeth.
Start as you mean to continue.
“The Labourer is worthy of his hire”!

[lizbeth4]

Vera, Last night was the end of my babysitting job. These kids shouldn’t have this precious baby. I told her to forget paying me for the 3 days I work. She lives with a relative who doesnt help her much. The Dad keeps walking out on them. It’s a sad situation. I didnt slerp well.

[lizbeth4]

My interview for the bank cleaning job is this evening at one of the banks. Hopefully it is mine. It would bring in $500 per month. I will have no trouble passing a background check. Keeping my fingers crossed!! I still have the baby’s walker, playpen and clothing here. I will probably have to drop the items off. I became too attached too fast to the baby. Maybe working on my own would be better for me. No gambling thoughts or urges today. I have a lot of yard work to keep me busy this weekend.

[lizbeth4]

I started the cleaning job last night. It kind of kicked my butt! Anyways, I’m supposed to work today with the gal whose place I’m taking. She’s going to be my back up person. 2 more training days then I’m on my own. I’ll have to get my own routine down. Things are looking up.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. I have caught up with your thread. Delighted you have the cleaning job. I admire you as I could not do a physical job! I was sorry to hear about the babysitting. You were right to stop it, of course, but I did wonder why You let go of the pay. I dont understand that, you need the money! Plus, more importantly you earned it and did extra hours. Sounds like baby was lovely with young parents. They’ll learn…

[lizbeth4]

I need to remember gratitude. I had a strong feeling that I would get this job. It’s nothing I’ve done before. I like the idea of working alone and setting my own hours. I have many things to be grateful for: another day, good health, family and friends. Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I let go of the pay because the young Mother needed it more than me. The Father of the child walked out on her again. I just felt like it was the right thing to do. She messaged me yesterday with a vague message, wondering how she was going to work this weekend. I was never supposed to work weekends. I didn’t respond to her as I felt I told I had explained why I would no longer,babysit for her. It’s a sad situation and the poor baby is in the middle.

[vera]

Well done on getting a job so quickly, Lizbeth. I hope it works out. Baby minding can be very difficult. It would be hard not to become emotionally involved and especially if the parents are bringing their personal difficulties into the situation. My heart would be broken for the little baby if I even got a hint of neglect or carelessness on their part. I would get over involved. She seems quite manipulative. It is no co incidence that she would text you about the weekend seeing that you looked after her child free of charge! I can see exactly why you would not want to take her money but it’s all about boundaries , Liz! You were employed to take care of that baby. You entered a financial arrangement. They broke the terms and conditions. Not you, so why put yourself on the backfoot. I’m not judging or criticizing BUT I feel you need to reflect on that….so do I, because I do similar things all the time. People like us can be quickly taken advantage of , Lizbeth. We need to toughen up!! It’s a big bad world out there. God help that little baby!

[lizbeth4]

Monica and Vera, you are both right. I did need the money from the babysitting job. I didn’t take it because I felt bad for her. I have trouble setting boundaries. When I got the cleaning job, my first thought was, what if my Daughter’s need me to babysit? Instead of thinking, wow, I have extra income coming in. I always put myself on the back burner. Any suggestions on how to stop this behaviour???

[Monica1]

Value yourself and what you do. I have always valued myself in the workplace, not necessarily through life in my personal life. But I do value myself in that respect now. It is the setting of boundaries, sometimes it feels uncomfortable to do it, I did it at work last week, my bos was trying to get me to write something that was outside my knowledge base and I simply said no. It was unco for table for a short while but then the right person stepped up. I set them with my son today when he was trying to say I can’t see pete when he moves in. Ummm no. I have seen you set good boundaries with your fami,y and you did it with this young fami,y. But to say they needed the money more than you is not the point, vera is right, they entered into an agreement, a contract of sorts, which they broke and you should have requested what they owed u and move on.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica! Great advice! There’s no going back on the lost wages from babysitting. I can only go forward. I do need to value myself and my work. And stop putting myself last! I didn’t mention that I am making more and working less hours on my new job compared to the babysitting job.

[kathryn]

Hooray!!!!!
Well done on the job!
You’re a yes person like me. Ive made it a point to start saying no. It is hard, but in truth, people get over it . My work asked me to work my day off in 2 weeks. I had a hair appointment booked in and as it turns out id told Brea id look after Tex for a couple of hours for her. No was the only option. I don’t know what they are going to do but hey, its really not my problem. They have needed to hire a casual for this sort of thing for a long time. Of course, they will never do that if I always say yes!!!
Anyway, I worked cleaning for 15 years. Once you get your routine down pat you wont look back.
Things are looking up for you my dear friend, and I am so so pleased.
Love K xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn. Yes, I am a yes person. I’m doing better at saying no but still feel guilty. I’m a people pleaser. Something that has plagued me since childhood. I’m looking forward to this job.

[lizbeth4]

Yesterday I worked with the woman whose place I’m taking. She was,all over the place. Very high strung to say the least. She made it clear contrary to what the district manager said that she doesn’t want to cover me if I want a day off. She already has a new job. Ok. So, I have one bank to clean on Saturday and I can have that done by 3pm, go to the city and come back on a Monday. As long as the banks are cleaned by opening time on Tuesday. So I can see my Grandkids , kids and friends. Monday I’m working with the district manager. I’m going to ask him to let me open up and disarm and arm the alarms as I will be on my own moving forward. Today I’m caulking the trim on the back of the house and cleaning the leaves up in the back yard. No gambling thoughts. Just happy thoughts as I can pay all of my bills now that I have extra income.

[lizbeth4]

P.S. I talked to my friend of 29 years yesterday. We always laugh and act silly! I’m going to visit her next month. Also, I’ve decided that when I see my GP for my physical on Tuesday, I’m asking for a anti depressant. My anxiety and depression seems to be getting worse and lasting longer. I need to get a grip on it.

[Monica1]

Hi Liz, that’s good progress, and quite a responsibility with the banks. I would ask him about lone working policies. It always concerns me when people r asked to work alone and also let him know what your predecessor said. It sounds like a good opportunity for you and I am pleased uhave a job. You didn’t think it would happen and it really didn’t take long. Good luck with it.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica. Seems we were posting at the same time. I will have the doors locked at all times until I leave the banks. The outside work, wiping off the ATMs, teller window, will be done in the day hours on Saturday. I can do the 1 bank during the day as they close at 4pm daily. I will always have my cell phone. I will be aware of my surroundings.

[lizbeth4]

Toxic family member! Drained! That’s all I can say.

[lizbeth4]

I’m struggling with anxiety and depression today. My encounter with the toxic family member drained me completely. I was thrown out of her house again as I wouldn t agree with what she was saying. Her explosive anger is too much. I’m not functioning as I want today. I’m hoping to get a few things accomplished today. I work tonight. My last training day. I received another call this morning concerning another job offer but I’m happy with the one I have. Thank goodness that I have no money as I would probably be gambling.

[lizbeth4]

I’m really upset at myself! I’ve allowed another person’s actions disturb my peace. When will I learn that I have no control over anyone else’s behavior??? I only have control over how i react! I take everything to heart and allow myself to get hurt over and over. I accept bad behavior from others instead of putting my foot down! I walk away but go back again for more abuse. I have to end the cycle no matter how painful.

[lizbeth4]

Wow! I cleaned both banks tonight! I’m tired! Cleaning isn’t easy but I’ll get used to it. I’m getting my work out. LOL! I’m working on my own starting tomorrow night. I unlocked the doors and disarmed and set the alarms tonight. I feel confident! My youngest Daughter blew the head gasket in her older car today. She has no way to work now. She starts early in the mornings and the public transit doesnt run that early.
She really loves her job. I feel so bad that I can’t help her with the repairs. She understands and is being positive but it hurts me that I can’t help her. She was already struggling financially and is not happy with the friends she and my Granddaughter are living with. They aren’t very supportive. I’ve told her that she always has a home to come to but small town living isn’t for her. She says she will figure it out. It still makes me sad!

[lizbeth4]

My yearly physical went well. Now for my mammogram and blood work soon as she just submitted the referrals I had my fly shot. My DR asked if I was experiencing any anxiety, depression orc trouble sleeping. These are questions she normally asks her patients. She beat me to it. She has prescribed a mild antidepressant. I’m relieved. Hopefully it will even me out! Working 2 hours cleaning 1 bank tonight. I have my work shirts and supplies. Ready to go!

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t picked up my prescription yet. I had a sleepless night. Worring about my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter. My Mother and I are not talking since her angry outburst and kicking me out of her house. It’s sad when someone has a explosive temper and can’t control it. I dealt with that as far back as I can remember as a child. Don’t set her off! It makes for a miserable person who only focuses on the negatives and is always trying to start problems. The weather here is changing. It’s supposed to rain today. I stopped after my Dr’s appointment yesterday and had lunch at our new Chinese food restaurant. It was very good and they had lunch specials. Very reasonable. I’m going to head to the library. 1 bank to clean this evening. It’s very small and only takes 1 hour. Have a good gamble free day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I’m actually feeling very peaceful and content today! I went to the library and picked up some movies and some music cds. It’s lightly raining here. I have the doors and windows opened. The woman who had my job is meeting me at the bank to return the keys. My boss figured out that she didn’t want to be my backup person. If I need a day off, I have to tell them in advance as someone has to travel from the city to do it. I’m feeling better mentally, have more confidence and feel like I’m going to make it financially. A big burden off of my shoulders. A little closer to being debt free. My goal!!

[lizbeth4]

I’m actually feeling very peaceful and content today! I went to the library and picked up some movies and some music cds. It’s lightly raining here. I have the doors and windows opened. The woman who had my job is meeting me at the bank to return the keys. My boss figured out that she didn’t want to be my backup person. If I need a day off, I have to tell them in advance as someone has to travel from the city to do it. I’m feeling better mentally, have more confidence and feel like I’m going to make it financially. A big burden off of my shoulders. A little closer to being debt free. My goal!!

[lizbeth4]

I’m not having any gambling urges or thoughts! Though money is tight, I’m not looking for the big win. I’m working to get debt free. No home equity or personal loans! No more debt but the home mortgage and living expenses is my goal! I worked in my yard for 2 hours today. 2 years ago, I could no longer afford the monthly yard maintenance company I had. I might have to hire someone to trim 2 trees. I have the larger bank to clean tonight. Things are going well for me. I get paid for 4 hours on Saturday. A little money to keep me going for 1 week till my pension is deposited.

[lizbeth4]

I have scheduled my yearly mammogram and blood work, went to the library and straighten my house and did laundry. I have both banks to clean tonight. I’m thinking of getting a part time day job. Looking! My youngest Daughter is doing better. She has been able to get rides to work and someone she knows sells cars. He’s looking for a car with low payments for her. She talked to the couple she lives with and they are reducing her rent to help her. My prayers were answered. Through all of this, she told me that she never thought of doing drugs again. I’m so proud of her. She’s a example for me to follow!

[finding_laura]

Hi Elizabeth. Glad to hear you are making it through the daily ups and downs of life. I’m in a bit of a down at the moment. Trying to deal with loss and uncertainty . I’ll soon be starting part time work as well and wonder how I will manage with it all. It’s good to read your journal and see your progress. Keep up the great work Liz. It’s good to have realistic dream I think. And then who knows where they will take us. Have you made a list of top ten places you want to travel? Maybe near and far? Positive things to look forward to. Your steps are leading you down a new road to travel. Take care,
Laura

[lizbeth4]

I live on the west coast and want to travel across the U.S. to the east coast. So many states I haven’t seen and explored. There are many far away destinations on my list too! I see it now be coming a reality. Well, off to work!!

[lizbeth4]

I have 1 bank to clean this afternoon! I finally slept good last night. Today is my Sister’s birthday. I sent her a bday message this morning. We talked the other day about my Mom. She is the only person who really understands as she has lived it. It’s been almost 1 week since her outburst and throwing me out of her house. I’m not contacting her. She will have to make the first move or not. I’m tired of the behavior and just can’t be subjected to it anymore. And no, she won’t change. I know this might sound harsh to some but for my own well being I can’t be around her. I had limited my contact with her but that didn’t work. She knows no boundaries. I owe it to myself to love myself enough to stop this. It does make me sad!!

[lizbeth4]

I was paid and was able to purchase gas for the car and a few grocery items. Going to the library then to work this afternoon. No gambling thoughts or urges! I really feel that I am working towards my goals. I feel like I am going to make it this time!! Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I must admit I’ve been physically tired from this job. My upper body has been very sore. I’m sure with time that I will get used to it. Yesterday I talked to both of my Daughters and my Sister. It was nice to touch base with them as everyone is busy with their lives. Today is my one day off. I’m going to work on a small house project today. Just need to get motivated! LOL! Living gamble free !!!

[lizbeth4]

I completed caulking the trim on the back of the house. This week I’ll be painting it. My Mom called after 1 week of no contact. It was a,very generic conversation. I won’t be going to her house unless I am invited. There will be no apologies from her. My contact will be limited. POSITIVE NOTE: I’ve made plans to visit a friend next month. Someone I consider a Sister. Looking forward to it! I think I have a small skin cancer spot by my lip. I need to find out what my co pay is and make an appointment with a dermatologist. Fasting tonight for my blood work tomorrow morning. Fun!

[lizbeth4]

I had my bloodwork done and stopped by the library. My youngest Daughter has been texting me. Her ride to work flaked out on her this morning. She had to call into work. She is looking for a car but has no credit and not a lot of money for a down payment. Please pray for her. She is doing all of the right things but roadblocks keep being placed in her way!!! She’s all I can think of today!

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. Even though I don’t answer every day I do keep up daily with your thread. Get the lip sorted. I have some sun changes on my face I keep a close eye on. Back in the day when I sun bathed a lot. The situation with your mum sounds painful over a long period of time but you must protect yourself whilst at the same time keeping a lookout for her. The job sounds good, how many hours do you do a week?

[lizbeth4]

I’m posting nearly everyday as it helps me in my recovery. My relationship with my Mother is very painful. She has treated other family members badly which has resulted them to stop talking to her or limiting contact. My Sister has stopped talking to her several times for 1 to 2 years. My Mother’s behavior has been this way since I can remember as a child. It’s complicated. I need to keep a eye on her but I don’t want to see her a lot. Not healthy! I’m only working 15 hours a week, 6 day a week. Everything is 5 to 10 mins from my house. Its a very small town. More hours would be great but it’s extra money and honestly I like working. This isnt my first skin cancer. Years of sunbathing when i was young. I’m getting my mammogram next week, then I will call the dermatologist. Still worried about my youngest Daughter. I keep praying for her.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter couldn’t qualify for a car. Her friend was going to co sign but he doesn’t have enough credit. She can’t get to her job so she’ll have to quit. It’s a good paying job. Shell have to take a minimum paying job close to where she is living. Public transit doesn’t start that early and she can’t find a ride share. She’s been texting me all day. I don’t have the money or credit to help her. My stomach is turning. Why are so many roadblocks being put in front of her???? I don’t know what to say. It could have been a gambling night for me but I have work and no funds. I hope my Daughter doesn’t let her guard down either to her addiction.

[vera]

Could you let her have your car for a few months to ease her pressure, Lizbeth?

[lizbeth4]

No Vera as I have to work nights. Since I live in a rural area, thete are few street lights. I wouldn t feel safe.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter’s boss sent another co worker to pick her up for work. From work to where she lives is quit a distance. It made me cry! There are good people in this world. I feel right now that I am living quite the solitude life. It’s okay for now. Im feeling a bit frustrated and impatient at the moment. October will be tight even with the new job as I need to get caught up on my property taxes. But moving forward I will be ok. I’ve been productive this morning and went through my closet and posted online for sale 6 tops and 2 pair of jeans I never wore. I have 6 pieces of vintage jewelry for sale also. Getting rid of unused items and banking some money works for me. I’m going to tackle replacing a window handle/crank today. I’ve had the parts and tools but haven’t been motivated. I’ve had some thoughts of gambling but have gotten through them.

[lizbeth4]

So today in my mail is a pre approved credit card offer. Of course with outrageous high interest. Why do these companies prey on people with bad credit and that have a lot of credit card debt???? I keep asking to be opted out of these offers then another company appears. I cut the cards up!!! Its just aggravating and sad for the people who are desperate enough to take the offer!

[lizbeth4]

I couldn’t replace the window handle. Urrrrr!

[kathryn]

Glad the job is going well. When I started this job I went from a sit down desk job to an on my feet all day job. In the first 2 weeks I actually considered quitting my back was so sore. Of course, it settled down. Our bodies don’t know whats going on sometimes lol!!!
I know how much you worry about your daughter. Theres only so much we can do for our kids. Don’t beat yourself up, sometimes things are just out of our control and look….she got a ride so all that worry was for nothing. Just happy that you didn’t turn to gambling to reduce the stress! (well, that makes no sense but you know what I mean!)
Please follow up on that lip. I am a dermatologist nurse. The Australian sun has taken its toll on so many people here. I will NEVER be out of work!!!!
Anyways, just touching base,
you take care, Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Home from work! I’m sore tonight as I clean the lobby floor thoroughly. LOL! I stopped by our 24 hour store to pick up a few grocery items, thete were only a handful of people there. That’s why I love small town living. The town closes down at 9pm on weekdays. Going to get up early and start painting the trim on the back of the house. Ther weather is getting cooler. I can have it done this week. I talked to my youngest Daughter today and she has 2 people giving her rides to work. She’s staying positive. She can save and get a car. My Granddaughter babbled to me. My Nana!!! I’m calling my insurance company as I think I have to pay 20% of the dermatologist fees. I might not be able to go till November. The spot is small and hasn’t changed. I will get it removed as soon as possible. Well, I’m having a snack them I’m going to bed and rest these bones.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve finished painting about 1/3 of the trim. 2 more days and I should be done. I then have a couple touch up places on the front of the house. I only have cherry tomatoes left in my veggie garden. I only have sold 1 shirt. My jewelry isn’t selling  Payday is coming up for many. We will see what the weekend brings. I’ve had a realization today: I live for the future and what If s. I’m going to live for today and take it all in!!! Why waste it on the worries of tomorrow. They will be there tomorrow. Taking a shower and heading to the library. Did I say that they have a big selection of music cds????

[lizbeth4]

I painted for 2 hours this morning, did some laundry and cleaning. I have about 2 more hours left. Maybe I’ll finish up tomorrow as we are expecting rain on and off all next week. Ive agreed to watcb my Granddaughter on a Sunday and most of Monday next month as my Daughter’s babysitter is going out of town for a wedding. I’ll have to travel back and forth to the city as my Daughter has no transportation. Monday night I have to work but I can sleep in on Tuesday. Lots of cuddling and playing. FUN!! I went over my finances and I will have more left over than I thought after paying all bills. The job opportunity came at the right time and I’m so grateful. I could care less about gambl8ng. I’m keeping my focus on the now, today. I get urges when I’m overwhelmed , stressed, or trying to solve everything. I’m finding myself more at peace.

[lizbeth4]

I’ll be painting again this morning. Then to the library for some new movies for the weekend. I clean both banks tonight. I can feel the soreness in my upper arms and back. It will get better with time. I’m having trouble forgiving my Mom this time. I know in my heart I need to forgive her but not accept her behaviour. This is something I’m working on. I’ve made a lunch date for next week with a friend here. A new Chinese food restaurant has opened and I want to try it. My days are busy which I find good. Next month I have 2 days off because of Columbus day. I get paid for 6 of the holidays. Being gamble free has lead me to experience other avenues in my life. I’d forgotten how good life could be.

[CraigMac6]

As I read you most recent post I couldn’t help but think about my own personal reasons for giving up gambling. While its impossible to gamble without money; the reason for me not wanting to gamble has little to do with money and a lot to do with experiencing other avenues in life. I truly believe when one feels that way, quitting can be accomplished, one day at a time! Those precious moments in life that occur without gambling are ones we will cherish for a life time. While I definitely do miss gambling (as it was a huge part of my life and I’m sure the same is with you) I know it is something I don’t want in my life. Have a great day Laura and I’m here quitting with you!

[lizbeth4]

My painting is finished. Looks great! My arms are quit sore. LOL! Had a phone conversation with my Mom this morning. My Sister is coming next weekend. My Mom will play nice as my Sister if provoked will cease to talk to her for a year or 2. Anyways it is what it is. Stressing about it only brings anxiety.
Work will be easy today. Only 1 bank to clean. Another week gamble free. Feeling a lot better about myself.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve decided that on payday I’m investing in some more jewelry making materials. I have quite a few earring design ideas. I need to get my creativity going again. Not gambling will afford me a few extras this month. I saw my Mom today after work as she invited me over. Nothing has changed. Why did I think it would? Wishful thinking! But I had forgiven her before I went over there. I had to so i could move forward. Sadky, i have to continue to limit my time with her. But ny heart feels less burdened, Tomorrow will be spent doing laundry, a little yard work and maybe some reading and a afternoon nap!!!

[Monica1]

I truly admire your home making ability and gardening, growing own produce etc. Most of my life I have struggled with that. I clean a mess and it’s still a mess but a different mess! I am pleased u can afford a few extras this month and that the job is going Ok.

[lizbeth4]

I love seeing my veggies grow. Fresh producs is the best! 4 years ago I started gardening as before then I had lived in a condo and had no yard. I enjoy housekeeping as weird as that may sound. Maybe that’s why I like my job. Everything is sparkly clean when I’m finished. I’m tired today and can’t find any motivation. I will do laundry and maybe vegg. There’s nothing wrong in taking a day off. Early tomorrow morning I have my mammogram. It’s payday, so bills will be paid and I will do some grocery shopping and purchase some items for my earring jelwery. It’s getting cooler here. I took stock of my clothing and boots. I will only need a few pairs of jeans and some boot socks. I have jackets, ect. I love autumn/winter. I just looked at my calendar and October will be a busy month for me, work, Sister visiting, Granddaughter visiting, going to my friends house in the city. Busy is good!

[lizbeth4]

We are getting the remnants of Tropical Rosa. It’s been a light steady rain here. Of course, my trees, roses, and tomato plants are loving it! I completed my medical test this morning, paid bills and went grocery shopping. I was able to buy healthier foods. I purchased some beads and other things for my earring jelwery. I even had enough for a bead organizer. Excited!!! I’ve gone to the library for my movies and music. This afternoon I’m buying a whole winter wardrobe for my Granddaughter. On the FB selling site here, I found the lot of winter clothing for $30 and she lives 3 mins from me. It’s s deal I can’t pass up. My Sister was in the city over the weekend and saw my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter. She bought the baby some pjs, a jacket and new tennis shoes. What a great Auntie and Great-auntie. Cleaning both banks tonight! Life is good! I have nothing to complain about. I picked up my prescription for the antidepressant. I’m going to start them tonight. Hope it helps my sleeping difficulty.

[kathryn]

Well look at you!!!!!
Your last post was full of positivity and I love it!
I hope the antidepressants help, my bestie started a low dose after her marriage broke up, it took her about 5 months to realise that she wasn’t feeling better and boy, have they made a difference!
How lovely that you could buy some clothes for your little grand daughter, what a nice feeling!
Lizbeth, reading your last post made me smile, things are looking up for you, and I am so so happy about that.
Work has obviously done you good my friend, given you a purpose, not to mention the extra $$. It makes a huge difference.
Enjoy sorting those beads…..you must have the patience of a saint!!!!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

I’ve gambled!!! I’m around $500 in the hole. I’m just sick today. Nor just from the gambling. I have a sore throat and the antipressant knocked me out. I was comatose for 12 hours. I’m going to cut them in half. I don’t know why I gambled. I need to figure it out. I went to a new venue. Quite the drive. I feel like crap today but I’m going to work in a couple of hours. Day 1.

[lizbeth4]

I made it through work. I’m definitely getting sick with a cold. I cut the antidepressant in half. My DR has recommended that if it was too strong for me. How long can I lie to creditors? Every time I relapsed, I lie to get more time to pay. At some point they are going to get fed up. I’m fed up with me!!!! While I was vacuuming tonight, I thought of a boss I’d had. He was very understanding with me. My youngest was doing drugs, running away from home, ect… Some nights I would be up all night, chasing her down, staking out drug houses that she frequented, putting her in rehabs. Doing the cycle over and over. If it wasn’t for him and his insight I would have lost my job. Years later I heard he had lost his job because of his drinking. He’d gone through the programs at work but had continued to drink. I think of him often as looking back he knew what my Daughter was going through, addiction. He was living it. I’m a gambling addict. What would people think of me if they knew? Would they be kind and understanding or treat me like someone less than them. I’m not giving in. I’m still fighting.

[lizbeth4]

Fighting a cold but I made it through the job tonight. I’ve put myself in a precarious position. A lot of thoughts are running through my head. If I keep gambling I will lose everything. Why can’t I stop? Should I file bankruptcy? Should I sell the home I live in, pay off all my creditors and start over? I could downsize. There’s a answer there. I just need to find the answer that will work for me. Nothing will work until i can stop gambling. Whatever happens, I will be okay. I feel distant and unconnected to everyone and everything. My only confidants are here on GT. I’ve cut the antidepressant in half and I’m still zonked out. I’m on the lowest dose. At least Im sleeping. Tomorrow, I’m going to both banks during business hours to vacuum the vaults. One is done monthly and one is done quarterly. I get paid extra for this. I’m looking for a day part time job. Maybe if I’m so busy, I won’t think about gambling.

[Monica1]

Was really sad and sorry to hear about your lapse. I read it last night but didn’t comment. That must have been most of your wages. No, you don’t need to file for bankruptcy, you just need to stop gambling. You are earning now. I punished myself over and over again in the same way and I had to really look at why I was doing it and work through it. And there were issues to work through. This is where the higher power really comes into its own. I do t want to gamble, it is destructive, end of. Why do we want to destroy ourselves, the big question….

[lizbeth4]

I don’t know why I keep punishing myself. I’m just saying I do have options. But nothing will help my situation until I stop gambling. I figured it out. I’m $500 behind in bills. I’ll have to pay some and let others go. I’m still feeling ill from the cold but managed to go to both banks and did the periodical vault vacuuming. That’s 1 1/2 hours extra pay. I have the larger bank to clean tonight. I made 2 pairs of earrings. I must say, they turned out nice. It took my mind off of things. Monica, I have given everything over to my higher power. I believe that with her,mercy, I will be able to stay gamble free!! I have paid off 1 high interest loan. That’s a extra $150 Starting next month. I don’t know why I keep self sabotaging myself. It has to stop!!

[lizbeth4]

I have very little coping skills!! When things don’t go perfectly in my life, I gamble. When I don’t feel validated, I gamble. That’s why I gamble. It could well be drinking, drugs, ect. But I chose gambling! Feeling validated is a big one for me! I had a crappy childhood whete I had to stuff my real feelings as I would be belittled and demeaned for having emotions. I was often told how weak I was as a little girl. I’ve never gotten over that and still twinge when my Mother continues to repeat the behaviors. It makes me very unhappy and the hurt and abandonment feelings resurface. I’m going to counseling to deal with these issues. It takes a lot to relearn and know and trust yourself and to believe that you have value.

[Monica1]

Ie not drinking and drugs but gambling was my great escape. When you say not validated do you mean not being able to express your feelings and who you are? My great gripe was about not having mentors or parental support or anything and having to go through life or sometimes stumbling through on my own. In recovery I gave it all to God, all of it, He can be my support, he can be someone who I can express my feelings to when there has been nothing else. He can be my Heavenly Father. It wasn’t instant Liz and there r still lots of challenges as you know, I still have a nicotine addiction, but things have slowly changed in me, transformation from within. And it’s a journey. You are not weak Liz and in Him comes our strength.

[lizbeth4]

I can’t express myself and be who I am. My opinions and views aren’t valued. My Mother was never supportive like a parent. I had to ask a cousin for help when I startedl my period and asked her all the questions I had. I made sure I was there for my little Sister. When I was molested by a family member when I was 12 years old, I told my Mother and she told me to be quiet. To this day she denies ever knowing that I was molested. My Sister knows because she was there when I told,my Mother. I went to great lengths as a child to make sure my little Sister was never alone with the molester. Last year when I started having flash backs of my molestation and horrible nightmares, my Sister was the one who calmed me and validated my feelings. She thanked me for all of the protection that I gave her growing up, not just from the molester but also from alcoholic, mean, stepfathers. My Mother thinks this is normal and that we had a great childhood. My brother is a heroin addict and has no contact with the family. My Sister had a drinking problem but got help. She’s been married repeatedly and prefers men who are 18-20 years older than herself. A father figure. Then there’s me, a CG who can’t get herself together. A frightened, hurt little girl who just wanted love and reassurance as a child. Maybe that’s why I’m so sensitive. I know it’s a long process and journey in recovery. I do believe in a higher power. I wouldn t be here if I didn’t.

[lizbeth4]

I needed to get that out! As ugly as it is. I’m not blaming my gambling on anyone. I have control over my choices. I’m just saying that your childhood does shape you. It takes awhile to unlearn the bad stuff.

[Nick]

Hi lizbeth its good to get things out and i totally agree our childhood does shape us, keep going to the counseling and you will feel better for it .

[lizbeth4]

It’s good to have support here!

[lizbeth4]

I’m getting ready for work. My Sister will be here tomorrow afternoon. I have to work tomorrow but then have 2 days off because of Columbus day. Today I was literally on my knees praying. The rest of my life doesn’t have to be crappy! I need to change my way of thinking about myself. I do have worth and I mean something to my Daughters and Grandkids and friends who love me regardless of my flaws. Gambling can’t be a part of me. Never!!!  I thought about not waking up this morning.  To end the pain but the pain I would cause my children and Grandkids would haunt me.  I couldn’t do it   I’m not suicidal, just tired.  Living is real hard sometimes.  I guess I need to find the joys!

[lizbeth4]

Can’t sleep but don’t want to take a antidepressant as it’s too late. My Sister is here. After work, we had pizza and played games. I don’t have Monday off as 1 of the banks are opened for Columbus day and Tuesday i will have both banks instead of 1. Very confusing. My wages for the month were gambled away during my last gambling relapse. Im not feeling any better mentally. I’m just hanging in there! I know I have much to be grateful for and I am! I don’t what to sound ungrateful. I just need to get my head on straight and move forward.

[Nick]

Hi Liz yes living is very very difficult at times and i sometimes don’t want to wake up but when i look back, i thank god that im still here. We have so many things to live for , like you say your daughters , grand kids and friends . I know its not easy but try and look at the big picture and embrace the good things in your life. ??

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Nick for your wise words! I really needed to hear them today. Truthfully, last night I thought about calling the suicide hotline. I came very close to taking a lot of pills to end my pain. Of course I didn’t as I’m still here. I haven’t been going to meetings and counseling as it’s a 4 hour trip and I’m working now. I’m searching for GA MEETINGS in the surrounding areas near me. Something closer to home. My visit with my Sister was good. I am envious of her but happy for Her. Her boyfriend of 8 years is a,millionaire and she lives on a 40 acre ranch. She works part time because she wants to. She has anything she wants. My Mom had the nerve to say to me that i should find a rich man too in front of my Sister. How embarrassing and humiliating. I ignored her but her words burn deep. I sat here today wondering how I’m going to pay creditors. I’m sick of making excuses and lying. I’m ready to surrender and let the chips fall where they may. Face the consequences. The fight to stay afloat is over for me. $500 might as well be $5000. I am vegging till work. My boss called this morning with 2 extra things for me to clean at the bank tonight. I had a surprise inspection on Friday night after I cleaned and received a high score. This job is one thing I seem to do right. URRRRR.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4
Thank you for your sharing. I have been following your thread and can see that you are doing your best.
I had just relapse and got myself stuck in a situation and now I have to dig in for all the strength and motivation to carry on every day.
I plan to learn from this mistake, and do it right again. I intend to stay gamble free with a new strong belief. Financial problem will take time to improve base on my small earnings, I just need to be patience, calm and discipline. It will improve.
I was watching a service about healing and prayer online, it reminded me of my Higher Power and my choices
1. What if it does not work and I do not get heal, I have nothing to lose at all if I try.
2. If I decide not to try at all, I will have no chance.
3. What happen if it really work and can help me, I would have miss an opportunity if I did not try.
4. I have decided to turn to God and the 12 steps recovery program from GA or AA.
I needed all the help I can get now. I am writing more regularly in GT online and attending face to face GA recovery support group meetings.
Please take good care of your health and I wish you all the best in your recovery!
I really want to get well and counting my gamble free days all over again. Today is my Day Four.
Thank you for all your support.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for your post and support! I really need it now! After work tonight, I stopped by the grocery store and bought a lot of junk food! LOL! Better than gambling.

[Monica1]

Well done on the good score for your cleaning, so cool. Forgive your mum for the slip, ask idi and me, we both could do with a rich man. I seem to have found the poverty stricken ones in my life. But hey I’m not complaining. Such a different wealth dynamic in your close family.
I remember wanting to commit suicide over a long period of time, it was during heavy losses gambling and in the destitute recovery phase. Not worth it. There is a life to be had and even get some enjoyment out of. And I know that you would never do that to your family. But the lows of a gambling funk are truly dreadful. You do have income coming in Liz so this time will pass. We of the cg club just cannot gamble. It’s the one thing we really cannot do, like an allergy to peanuts, we can’t do it!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your post! I know that my kids and Grandson would be devastated if I was to commit suicide! Honestly, that’s what has stopped me. I could care less if I even find a guy. Let alone a rich one!!!! My heart belongs to my late Husband and always will. Monica, I keep forgiving my Mother
Shes almost 81 years old and i see the decline in her health. I do forgive her because I know she will be gone one of these days. I want no regrets. Right now, I’m broke because of my gambling and can’t pay all of my bills this month. Although they can’t garnish my pension, I’m not sure about my social security offset I get because of being a federal government employee. At this point, garnish me and get your money. I will survive. What gets me is that I do this to myself, then I worry and fret. I’m tired of it all!!!! No gambling!!! That’s the only way that I will live a normal life.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

Suicidal thought is cause by depression. When you recover from depression, those suicidal thought will go away, those sadness and painful feeling will disappear.

When we stop gambling, we will not have gambling problem.
Those old debts will be reduce slowly. Things will improve. Life will slowly return to normal one day.

In the beginning, it is going to be tough, there is not enough money to pay all the bills, there will be anxiety, and stress.
We can only pay those bills that we can afford and postpone those that we cannot until we have the money. One day they will all be paid. This is a temporary problem.

The peace, joy and freedom will return one day. We need to dig in deep for the strength and courage to be patient and tolerant now. Be strong and brave Lizbeth4.

When things get difficult, take one day at a time, take one baby step at a time, do one thing at a time if you need to.

I pray to our Heavenly Father to fill you with the holy spirit, guiding you and helping you, providing you with all the wisdom and courage during these difficult times in Jesus almighty name, Amen.

Blessings
Kin

[lizbeth4]

So, I’m going to get garnished by the IRS! I was late twice (1 day) with my payments and now I have a missed payment. I owe,about $3500. From everything I’ve read, they can garnish only 15% of my prnsion/social security. Honestly, my credit is already shot and with a garnishment it will be paid off sooner than the payment plan. That’s the results of gambling away bill money. I’ll survive! I had the worse night at Work! First ban, part of the rubber mat by the entrance of the door, fell apart when I vacuumed it. Second bank, I accidentally dumped over the rolling bucket of water for mopping in the hallway. It took for ever to clean it up! I took a picture of the mat and sent it to my boss. He said not to worry about it. Really tired. Going to bed.

[lizbeth4]

I just can’t get going today! I am feeling a bit defeated. I know what I should do, STOP GAMBLING, PAY BILLS! I haven’t gambled and don’t have money to. I always have the best intentions but then I don’t follow through. I remember when my girls were little and money was tight. We would go to the park for hours. Playing on the playground and having picnics. In fact, those are some of the best memories! I wish I could go back to the simple times!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz, sorry to hear of your little slip. They can be so costly in so many ways. To your health most of all. Have you touched base with the help line here to see if they could offer email counseling to you? How we were raised has a big part in molding us but we can change how we react to situations now. It took me a long time to realize I was often trapping myself in situations and didn’t know how to respond because that was what my youth was like. Holding in emotions and tip toeing around my father. I was taught to live inside my head and not react or respond outwards. I was taught to be frozen. Change has come but it wasn’t easy for sure. You are showing your daughters that it is possible to change no matter what age or stage in life. It is big of you to keep forgiving your mother but I feel like you need to do more to protect yourself from being hurt. You deserve it. Hang in there Liz. You are making progress. It just doesn’t always feel that way when dealing with a storm of emotions. Take care, Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura! I am relearning how to process conflict and my emotions. I think I’ve made progress. I try to be a good role model for my children and Grandchildren. You are right about protecting myself from my Mother. I do limit my time with her and more so if she’s being nasty. Now that I’m working, taking care of my house and yard, I really do have limited time. I’m going to be going to a lot of craft fairs as small towns love those. I’m picking up my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter on Sunday and they are staying 2 days with me for a visit. So excited! I think I have my money or lack of situation figured out. I’ve applied for a small loan and will know if I’m approved tomorrow. I just paid one off but my gambling put me back in this sad situation. I can’t gamble ever again if I want to see progress and be able to fulfil my dreams of traveling. My oldest Daughter will turn 40 next month. I’m making her some cool earrings. As soon as I can get a bigger selection of earrings made, maybe I can sell them. Everything is in my hands. I have to make the right choices.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

Let ‘s learn from our last mistake and stay focus, gamble free today.
The debts and loans will slowly but surely be reduce over time. It will not increase due to gambling after we stop.
Gambling is not a solution to problem and no problem. It is just not worth it, the price we need to pay is heavy!

[lizbeth4]

I was approved for the loan. I will have the money tomorrow. I will pay the remaining months bills and have a little left to get me through the month. I plan on cleaning the house today and going to the library before work this even ing. Saturday before work I’m going to a lavender farm in a nearby town. I
They have different products that they sell. It’s a beautiful drive and I’m curious about the place. It’s lightly raining here. I’m really striving for a more complete life. Free of gambling.

[lizbeth4]

Wow! Our small town is bustling. I had to do a few errands. My town is the place to get gas, food, for the campers and outdoors people. We aren’t too far from the city and the gateway for camping, fishing, hiking trails, hunting ect….The traffic has really became worse the last 2 years. I try to take back roads and stay out of the main part of town during the busy season. In fact my oldest Daughter and her boyfriend ate on their way up to drop off the mortgage and go camping further north of me. The are real outdoorsy people. I couldn’t sleep last night and the pills I have from the doctor aren’t working for me. I’m experiencing many of the side effects. I have both banks tonight. I’m kinda blah today. Can’t tell you why. Feeling a bit down but I will survive.

[lizbeth4]

Stopped by my Mothers house. She’s already bringing up Thanksgiving-November. My Nephew and his family want to come up. My Sister, oldest Nephew don’t talk to my oldest Daughter. From where I sit, they all were at fault. My oven is dead. I need to either get it fix or get a new one so I can just have dinner for my kids and grandkids. I’m so sick of the B.S. I’m glad I don’t drink. I’d be hitting the bottle. Not much money to access, so no gambling. Sick of this.

[lizbeth4]

I chose happiness!

[kathryn]

Seems it might be time to go back to your GP. Not all medication is the right one, its usually trial and error and if this one is giving you grief, then try something else.
No money is the best way not to gamble, although it makes the rest of your life pretty difficult and stressful.
All you can do is keep plugging, take happiness where you can and joy from the little things. Thanksgiving will work itself out, we don’t celebrate that here, but I love the idea of it.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Yes, I need to figure the medication out. Tonight was ruff hardly no sleep and both bank lobbies were extremely dirty. I managed to have enough energy to go grocery shopping for food for while my Daughter and Granddaughter are here. Kathryn, I know Thanksgiving will work out. I’m going to get the oven checked out. I’m hoping to cook dinner but there are options. We can always go to a buffet that day. As long as we are together. As for my Mother, she keeps trying everything to hurt me and mentally I’m done with her crap. I tune her out. She’s not happy about anything. It’s sad but it’s not going to be at my expense no more. She gripped about my Sister, my Nephew. OMG! Life is too short and frankly, I don’t give a damn. No gambling keeps me grounded.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

The everyday problem will not go away. They come in all form and shape.
We just have to learn to accept and tolerate them.
Stress or no stress, problem or no problem, painful or not, they are not an excuse to gamble. It is not worth it! The price is just too heavy.

[finding_laura]

Hey Liz,
good news on the little loan. Takes the edge off the financial stress. Now family stress is a whole different kettle of fish. The first thought that flashed into my head was to just say you can’t do dinner this year. With a big period on the end. Why do you have to stress over dinner for everyone? Like you said, buffet? Dinner at your sisters place? Dinner with just your two girls and their family at your daughter’s place. Pot luck. There are so many ways to say stuff it mom! You don’t deserve to always carry the stress. And if she is going to be mad and mean all the time anyway you may as well give her something to really complain about! This is me sticking up for a friend who needs to take care of herself. A mother is supposed to be a protector, a lifter up, a positive influence. Don’t let her make you feel less than who you are. Hope you feel better soon Liz. Adjusting to medications or finding the right one can be difficult some time as it is only trial and error, they aren’t really sure what each of us is lacking or which medication may help. One day at a time is a mantra for more than the gambling aspect of our lives. Take care Liz xo

[Monica1]

In early recovery I was deeply depressed and suicidal at times. I was given antidepressants but didn’t take them. They may work for some people but invariably they make things worse like dependency, awful,side effects etc. Have you considered trying something natural, St. John’s wort our acupuncture and herbs. The last two,did help me. I see traditional Chinese medicine as a way of helping me get back in my feet as they have done a few times in my life when I was ill or on my knees with life stuff.
Your mums behaviour sounds like anger directed at you through her own guilt over the past family stuff. I figure that even when our own lives have been blighted by a lot,of stuff, we do not need to pass it on generationally and you may find a generation,down the line, addiction issues are conquered and our grandchildren lead better and more loved lives than we did. I am feeling very philosophical today…

[lizbeth4]

Laura, Do you want to know how dysfunctional my family is? My Sister has never invited any family members to the ranch she has lived on for 8 years. Both her son’s are banned because they had disagreement with her boyfriend. My Sister and oldest Nephew don’t talk to my oldest and my oldest Daughter and her boyfriend are cordial to my youngest Daughter but I would never have Thanksgiving at their place. And me, I talk to everyone. My oldest may go to her boyfriend’s family house as she has in the past. I will figure something out for my girls and grandkids if the want to come to my house. Otherwise, I may just fix something for myself, solo. My family is a lot to handle. My Mom, well she is very angry and likes projecting it on me. Mentally, I’m done and don’t want to hear anymore. She is a mean and bitter person. But she is my Mom, otherwise I would have walked away a long time ago. Monica, I do believe in alternative medicine. I’ve used herbs before but never acupuncture. It’s something to think about. I want my Grandkids to know that I love them unconditionally. That’s my legacy to them.

[Monica1]

While we bear the brunt of all of it and speak to everyone. My middle son won’t speak to my daughter for years now. My eldest son has had huge life difficulties to surmount, his wife ran off with an Icelandic very wealthy man and gave him a nasty disease then took the kids to Scotland, his biological father didn’t want to know until my son was about 30. But we keep going wishing that it wasn’t so. I do feel that God can do anything and help integrate our families into the loving units they should be. My own addictive behaviour didn’t help but I spent a lifetime climbing out of poverty and when I did, boom cancer and then hello gambling. It was like too many hits of crap. But I dont feel that way now. I feel that good things r more than possible despite all the difficulties.

[lizbeth4]

My one wish is that my family members could get along and forgive. My Grandkids will never have a relationship. Much of my good childhood memories was spent with cousins. I probably started gambling to try and cope with stress. Not a excise but your brain can only take so much! My Husbands family was very dysfunctional. In fact, he told me not to reach out to any of them when he was sick or after he died. His oldest Sister found me on social media 1 year after his death to tell me that their Mother had died. She couldn’t get hold of her brother, my husband. I had to tell her that he had passed. I truly miss him. He and I understood each other. We gave each other comfort.

[kathryn]

I think theres a bit of dysfunction in every family, its the degree that differs.
Im the youngest of 5, theres a really big gap between me and my 4 siblings. The middle sister doesn’t talk to my brother or younger sister, but was super close with my eldest sister. I, however get along with all of them. It can make for some very awkward conversations sometimes.
I don’t get it, and in truth, I don’t want to. Its all too hard and not something I can fix.
Im glad you got a small loan to tide you over, these days money is about the only thing that ever stresses me out, Damians work is not regular, so its difficult to plan for anything big just in case we need to use that money to see us through. Mind you, he seems to be only working the minimum hours these days, and that is starting to piss me off. I don’t see how we can ever get truly ahead when he is not taking every opportunity he can. Hes too busy wanting to get home to his mates, shed and cold beer. Frustrating!!!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to have that little rant then, I haven’t had the best weekend, we were going to go out for dinner but he arranged a shed full of his friends……in saying that, where I would usually be ropeable im surprisingly not. Harry would be proud to learn that I have taken on board his advice about unrealistic expectations and I will never again organise something with him on our own. I wont be hurt that way! Problem solved!!!!
Hope your weekend was a bit better than mine!!!!
Love K xx

[lizbeth4]

Everyone I know has a dysfunctional family. Really sad. Yes, it makes for very many awkward conversations and situations. It is frustrating because it’s unfixable. It’s okay to rant. Everyone needs to release! I’ve decided not to expect anything from anyone as I’m always dussapoibted. I’m not stressing about the holidays as I will do what works for me. My weekend will be awesome tomorrow when I pick up my Daughter and Granddaughter for a visit. I’m searching for a part time day job also. There’s not a lot here. I want to pay off all these credit cards so I can start my traveling adventures. I’m ready!

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

Thank you for sharing with us your daily journey, it has certainly help me feel that I was not alone.

As I write to you every time, I was also checking myself.

Today I can feel my body-aches and pain from the exercise yesterday, my stomach cramp and back hurt.

I worked 12 hours last night doing relief part time work and will be working again tonight, I am losing sleep doing this work, it can be tiring in the long run.

My biggest worry will be on how I cope on the new job. My anxiety is growing with 3 more days to new job start date.

If this is another person, I would have advised the person;

1. not to do too many things in too little time.

2. It is alright to stretch the repayment plan as long as we are not gambling.

3. Once the gambling stop, the debts is not going to increase. My debt increases every single time because I return to gambling.

4. Be careful not to slip into auto-pilot, because people like me react naturally to pressure, stress, hardship, suffering, tiredness and pain, I will automatically self-medicate and find a quick fix through gambling, alcohol, food etc.

5. Focus on the present moment, live one day at a time, take one baby step at a time.

6. Stay focus, be patient and tolerant of any daily problem I face.

7. List of potential things to do to replace gambling; attend Church service and recovery support group meetings, jogging, mindfulness exercise, fasting…

I cannot change the damage and what I did in the past, but I really hope that I can made amend to repair and improve the relationships with my family, friends and people I know in my remaining years.

I have many financial commitments, but I already notice one big change in me, it did not happen overnight, I used to be more selfish and self-centered.

I have credit card and bank loan to service too, but I choose to contribute to the family and pay my other necessities first before I used the remaining to top up the minimum payment.

I was a total failure in the past, I always use my own debts as an excuse not to contribute a single cent to my family. Every time I clear my credit card debt and bank loan, I will borrow and gamble again. I feel so frustrated and disappointed with myself each time. I question myself very hard so many times why I gambled and keep repeating the same problem all over again so many times.

I totally lost any confident and trust in myself because I felt so helpless and hopeless when I watch myself losing all self-control in my life because of gambling.

Guess it was the power of God, and years of taking one baby step at a time, suddenly I was also able to do what any normal person could do such as contributing to the family. This has given me hope in recovery and to keep on trying…

Luke 18:27

Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”

Luke 10:27

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”

All Glory Be To God Alone.

[i-did-it]

Hi lizbeth
While we don’t do thanksgiving we always have the same drama with Christmas. Still I guess if it wasn’t for these occasions many of us would never bother to see half our families.
I hope you are feeling peaceful – ( something which evades me right now ). A “lighter” supplement which might be worth researching is 5htp but u cannnot take to if you are on other meds
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted
Xx

[lizbeth4]

I do have to watch which herbal medicine I take as I am on 2 heart medicines. I would have to clear it with my cardiologist. I picked up my Daughter and Granddaughter and we had a wonderful day together. My Daughter is considering coming back home. She’s having trouble getting to work and her living arrangements aren’t what she thought they would be. She wants to give it a little more time before she makes a decision. I told her that she always has a home to come to. This time though, we’d have to talk about our expectations and be upfront with each other. There were things we needed to change on both of our parts from the last time she was here.
That the goal is for her to get a job, car and eventually a place of her own. I would help with babysitting and she could save her earnings to accomplish her goals. We will see what happens. My Granddaughter is precious. She says , Hi Nana, hugs!!!! I’m blessed! Gambling isn’t in the picture.

[lizbeth4]

I took my Daughter and Granddaughter back to the city and came back and cleaned both banks. I enjoyed having them here. My Granddaughter’s 18 month check up went well. She had to get 1 shot. We visited with my Mom and of course I received the snide remarks and honestly, I’m done fighting with her. My Daughter just shook her head. It’s pathetic. Now I won’t talk to or see her for 1 week. My choice for my sanity. Going to pick up my Granddaughter Saturday after work and bring her back to Mommy on Monday afternoon. My Daughter had some plans for the weekend and I get to spend time with my princess. No gambling thoughts!

[lizbeth4]

Woke to rain. There was a light dusting of snow on the mountains surrounding me. I’m having my hot herbal tea. I’m starting my days again with meditation and positive affirmations. I’ve realized that I’ve allowed certain family members to treat me poorly. I’ve tolerated it for years. Was it because they were family? I wouldn’t have tolerated it from anyone else. It’s caused me to have low self esteem and think that I’m unworthy and that I don’t deserve good things to happen to me. It’s really screwed me up! But I’m taking my power back. I will no longer tolerated disrespect. I’m worthy of all good things entering my life. I’m free to pursue my dreams and live my life the way I want to. I’m free to walk away from negative situations and people. It’s okay to distance myself from these things. I think these are positive steps for my life and my recovery. The more i value myself, the less likely I am to gamble.

[lizbeth4]

Today is another cold and windy day. It looks like it’s going to rain. I’ve had some thoughts of gambling. I’ve kept myself busy going through my Granddaughter’s outgrown clothing. I posted some winter stuff for free online and was able to help someone who’s child needed them. I have a portable heater I don’t use which I listed for sale and someone is coming by in a few hours look at it. it will be another $40 in my pocket. Tried to have a phone conversation with my Mom but there’s no connection between us anymore. Sad but true. I was just checking to see if she was okay. My power window motor is going out. It makes a awful noise when I lock the doors. Estimated cost to replace is $350 to $500. It will have to wait. Hopefully I can lock the doors manually with the key or I will have to leave the car unlocked. It will work!!! Work tonight is easy, only the small bank. How did I ever get anything done when I was spending my days in the casino, gambling? I guess I didn’t. I know my relationships suffered. I’ve mended the ones that are important to me. The others were not meant to be. I know one thing, during the heavy gambling days my health really suffered. I’ve taken that back too!!! Life can be good!

[Nick]

You said it lizbeth “Life can be good” Your keeping busy and its working , im keeping busy too (occupied doing things i like) Thanks for for the uplifting post on my thread , means alot ??

[lizbeth4]

Life is good! It’s a sunny day without rain. I did some errands this morning and stopped by for a quick visit with my Mom. Conclusion: she’s looked for the bad and negative so long that it has turned her into a angry and bitter person. She likes it when someone is down and out. Sad and pathetic. The realization of all of this has finally given me the power to let the pain go. Our relationship will be on a basic level. I love her because she is my Mom. No deep relationship between us. That’s how it is. I’m free. Any guilt or second guessing myself is gone. Finished!!! This is a big one for me!!!!! No gambling thoughts or urges. Just a sense of peace, contentment and feeling like my life can move forward.

[kathryn]

Misery loves company im afraid.
Im glad you are not taking your mums issues on board. Sometimes a person will never be happy no matter what you do, so live your best life, for you!
I hope you have a great weekend,
Love K xx

[lizbeth4]

I’m still in my PJ’S. It’s going to be a lazy day. I clean both banks tonight. Saturday, I’m picking up my Granddaughter after work in the city. So my weekend will be fun and spent playing. My Grandson called last night. He is doing well and getting used,to the new middle school he attends. He’s so grown up and asks me how I am and how my job is. He loves his Nana. He always makes my day. No gambling thoughts or urges.

[lizbeth4]

Don’t know why? Doing some laundry, stopping by the library, working, then going to get my Granddaughter. No gambling thoughts or urges. Just a little sadness.

[lizbeth4]

Getting out of my funk. Waiting for 2pm so I can go to work. Happy anticipation to spend time with my Granddaughter. This morning I was thinking of some of the happiest times of my life. They didn’t involve money. Mostly they were times with my children and Grandchildren. Playing in the park and having picnics, swimming and barbecuing, watching movies . Family times!!! Just being together. It puts things into perspective.

[lizbeth4]

Grabbed a quick shower while my Granddaughter is sleeping. We are trying to break her from the bottle. It’s been hard at night but making progress. Today we took a walk (stroller) down to Great Grandmother’s for a visit, then we went to the pond by my house to look at the geese. The ducks have already left for the winter. We came home and picked tomatoes. She loves doing that. She had a bath and played in the water for awhile. She’s smart and funny! Tomorrow I’m taking her home when Mommy gets off of work. I’ve really enjoyed spending time with her. She loves hugs and kisses. No gambling thoughts or urges. I’m going to catch up with everyone in the next few days. I’m working tomorrow night when I get back from the city.

[lizbeth4]

I’m home from taking my Granddaughter home. I just lost a long post I wrote. Very tired. Going to work in 1 hour. It’s a busy night with both banks. My Granddaughter was a joy. She was very restless last night so I didn’t get much sleep. I will make up for it tonight. I pass 2 casinos there and back but I’ve banned myself from both of them and I haven’t had any gambling thoughts or urges lately. My pay was a surprise. They are paying me $1 more a hour. I have it direct deposited to a debit card and I use it for gas and groceries . I just leave what’s left over on it and it accumulates. Going to my friend’s house this weekend after work for a visit. About 1 hour one way from here. It will be good to see her and catch up.

[lizbeth4]

I slept in and caught up on my sleep. Did some laundry and housework. It’s a rainy day. Nice! Miss my Granddaughter. My Daughter said she was looking out of the window asking for me. I had a dream/nightmare about the casino. All of the familiar sad faces. People acting !!! How many were losing everything? How many were running from their problems? And every time it was the same sad faces, just a different day. And the casinos offering free play and free gifts! Nothing is for free. I’m grateful I’m not experiencing that anymore.

[lizbeth4]

UGH! That’s what happens when you sleep in! Watching movies. Work went well. I’m getting into a routine. I trained for 2,days and was handed the keys to buildings and alarm codes. Basically figuring it all out and trying to be efficient plus getting the work done in the alloted time frame. This is all new to me. I’ve never done this type of work. No complaints plus my last mystery inspection was a success. Any issues, I have to text my boss as he is 2 hours away. I’ve been able to trouble shoot and figure out answers to my questions myself. Started a list of needed supplies as I email them and supplies are sent to me. The only personal issue is when it’s cold and rainy and I don’t want to venture out at night. LOL! It’s providing the extra money to pay for my basics so other money can be put towards debt. I’ve figured out that 3 years from now I will be credit card, IRS, auto loan and personal loans free!!! I’m plugging away but remembering to treat myself once in a while. When I deprive myself the gambling urges begin. ???? It could be a special meal, jewelry making materials, book. Something small. Well, enough rambling. Good night.

[Nick]

Hi Lizbeth i’m impressed you have worked out how long before your debt free it gives you something to aim for and you are budgeting for basic things and treating yourself from time to time. Concentrate on you and your grand daughter and you will get there . ??

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your post. I didn’t sleep much last night????? I watched the movie “The Zookeepers Wife.’ Very good. About the holocost. This morning I gathered more baby winter clothing to donate to the Granddaughter of a woman who lives in my town. She’s 6 months younger than my Granddaughter. I will be able to keep handing down clothing. My Daughter found a new job closer to where she lives and more dependable transportation from a friend. The rain here was horrid last night. I bundled up warmly for work. Nick, my prize is going to be debt free. That’s my plan. Although there are going to be bumps in the road ahead, I can do it!! Gambling will never be the answer.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been off all day. I’ve had a slight headache I can’t get rid of. I didn’t get,much accomplished. Going to work soon. Tomorrow I’m planning on cleaning up the front yard. The leaves are falling from the trees. No gambling thoughts or urges.

[kin]

Please get well soon and wishing you a speedy recovery!

[lizbeth4]

Self care is a must for us CGs. Unfortunately we let that go by the wayside. HELP! I NEED ADVICE FROM YOU WISE PEOPLE!!! I’ve always been very super sensitive and take everything to heart. I’d rather walk away from a situation or person than be confrontational. I think this has lead to many gambling episodes and becoming a target for family members. It’s also lead to low self esteem. My Sister has behaved badly the last 2 visits. Between my Mother and her , I have had enough. My job was the target her last visit. I was made FUN of being a cleaner. She was so mean and rude to a waitress when we went out to eat that I cringed. She reminds me of my Mother. Hot tempered and rude and mean. My question is, other than not being around them, How do I tune out the crap? Or should I? Other things are happening that concern the holidays that are aimed at not including my children, grandchildren and myself. Very hurtful!!! I’m not able to go to my counselor once a week because of my job. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE APPRECIATED! I’M SCARED THAT I WILL BECOME OVERWHELMED WITH ALL OF THIS NEGATIVITY AND WILL WANT TO GAMBLE! Thanks!

[lizbeth4]

I reread my post! I have the answer: if people are hurtful, negative or make you feel sad then you shouldn’t be around them. Regardless if they are family!

[kathryn]

WOW…….I was a cleaner for 15 years, scrubbed at least 80 toilets a day! Never once did I think that was a lowly job. Sure, it was bloody hard work, honest work that paid well.
Pooh to your sister. What a mean, nasty woman!!!!!!
I certainly hope she doesn’t work in customer service!!! I also hope she is perfect, those in glass houses!!!!
The best revenge is living well my friend, DO NOT let that woman send you back gambling!!!!! Imagine what the world would be like without cleaners! I am FURIOUS and I don’t even know her!!!!!
People like your sister and your mum like to make others feel sad/low/down to make themselves feel good. It says a lot about their own self esteem and self worth.
You are a good, kind, generous person Lizbeth, don’t let anyone take that away from you, not your mum, your sister, or those REVOLTING gambling venues!!! They don’t deserve it!!! You keep doing what you’re doing, and stuff anyone who feels they have the right to put down or make fun of you or what you do. Walk away, leave, tell them you are not putting up with it anymore before you slam the door on the way out. Leave them with their mouths gaping open.
Then go and buy yourself an icecream or a new top or a coffee with your hard earned money. Misery loves company……remember that!!!!
Rant over!!!!
Love love love K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

I love my job! It is hard work. I must be doing it well as I already was given $1 an hour raise! There is nothing wrong with being a cleaner. Kathryn, I let my Mom and Sister bully me, demean me for way too long. I wouldn t let anyone else talk to me that way. So with that, I am to blamne. I’m only goid for helping them out with money, (When I had it) or doing things for them. Other things happened when she visited that if someone had done them to her, she would have cane unglued. In reality, they didn’t really want to include me in on their plans. I keep letting myself get hurt. I keep thinking things will change. My Sister was the one to start the Thanksgiving problem and my Mom went along with her. It ends right now! I cant do this anymore. I won’t let this cause me to gamble. I will put my energy and love into my children and Grandchildren. Life is too short.

[kathryn]

You said it Sister!!!!!
Life is waaaaay too short.
Maybe its time to change ‘I cant do this anymore’ to ‘I will not put up with it anymore’.
Their issues, not yours.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

I’m going to the city Sunday and most of Monday to visit a dear friend if 29 years that I consider a Sister. I’m really looking forward to it.

[Monica1]

Pete cleans for me and he does it because he happens to be very good at it and I am not. It looks a bigger mess when I am done. Nothing wrong in being a cleaner Liz. If someone in my family behaved like that I would be completely straight with them and tell them I find their behaviour rude and unacceptable. Do something about it or forget it. As you know with gambling people can change but only if they decide to and really want to. You don’t have to put up with it and shouldn’t. There is something called detachment. It is a state of being where we detach from any outcome and don’t get hurt by it. All the strength u need is within you liz.

[lizbeth4]

I will have fun! My friend is 8 years older than me and is raising her Grandson. Hrs been with her since age 3. He’s now 11 years old. Both parents had their parental rights taken away. She’s like family to me. Monica you’re right. Either I put up with it or not. I’ve stood up for myself but the behavior has continued. Detachment. I need to read about this. I’ve forgiven, tuned out and the bad behavior continues. No more. It’s affecting my well being. I’m done.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
I, like Lizbeth, find myself appalled that your mother and sister would make fun of you for earning an honest living . I find myself wondering why they think they are worthy of judging anyone by their job . I feel jealousy is a factor a good old predicatable LiZ has taken control of her life and is doing well and maybe that threatens them a little .
A massive well done to you !

Keep your eye on that goal of being debt free !
Don’t let anyone steal your joy !

[lizbeth4]

I just don’t understand why people who are supposed to love you can act so terrible. My Sister hasn’t text me as I think she knows how dispecable her behavior was. For what ever reason, it’s best that I don’t talk to her. I-did-it, I think you’re on to something. I’m getting my self together. I feel like I’m productive and I’m feeling better about myself. I’m not sitting around feeling sorry for myself. She lives with a millionaire but nothing is hers. He has 2 daughters and a grandchild whom he is leaving everything to. I do have my cute house that is all mine. She told me when Mom dies, we are not selling the house because 1 of her boys may need somewhere to live. Really, if I’m still in the will, LOL I’m selling my half to her at current market value. What is wrong with her??? Anyways, going to the library, doing laundry and packing a overnight bag. Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!!

[lizbeth4]

Recovery isn’t easy. When you throw in other unnecessary drama it can become overwhelming. Thanks for letting me be honest and for not judging me. I have a long way to go but I feel better about myself and I’m making headway with my debt. I’m able to afford somer extras next month and will be able to provide my family a nice Thanksgiving dinner. I’m having someone look at my oven next week. Hoping it can be fixed. Going out for dinner is a option for us. I’m digging through my stuff trying to find my autumn decor for my front door. Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

My visit with my friend was awesome. I made it home with a few hours to spare before work. No gambling thoughts or urges. Feeling content and peaceful!!!!

[lizbeth4]

My plans today were to clean up the leaves in my front yard. But my plans were thwarted by the winds. Tomorrow is another day. Having this new job and not gambling are already showing results. Next month I will be able to pay all of my monthly bills, the rest of my overdue property taxes and focus on the new bill, and have money left over. I am getting internet next month, yeah! My home warranty will cover my oven. The repairman can’t come out till Nov 9th as he is on vacation next week, but that’s ok. If it can’t be fixed, they will porate the value and send me a check. I can save for another one. I feel good. I feel like I’m making real headway financially. I’m feeling better about myself also. My friend gave me a lot of encouragement and helped me to see my value. Sunday, I’m visiting another church here. They seem to have different activities during the week and they participate in a lot of community service. It’s a little new agey but I think it is better for me than the traditional bible based church. I’m really hoping that I like it. I feel like I’m in a good place in my recovery. Things are looking up!

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,
I was so glad to read your last post. There is hope in your message.

[lizbeth4]

There is always hope! I’m feeling stressed today. My youngest Daughter is having a hard time. Everything seems to be going wrong. She’s trying so hard. I worry that she may relapse. It’s hard as I’m 2 hours from her. I keep reassuring her and the door is always open for her to come home. I know she is trying to make it on her own. I can help with food and diapers. Stress=gambling for me and tomorrow is payday. Surprisingly, I’m not having urges. I need to pay bills and remember my goals!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
I hope you are enjoying payday !
It is the best day in the month – and better Than any gambling win.
I would love to reach the time when I’m not waiting on it lol.
It feels tome hat you are doing the exact right thing for your daughter – you are giving her space to make it on her own , helping her stay independent by helping financially and best of all – making sure she knows she has a safe home to return to if it all goes wrong .
You are a great mum Lizbeth !
Ps I read about your sister and the house – you are so right to sell it- it will give you a little comfort in life
Xx

[lizbeth4]

And I have 3 paydays a month, from my pension and job! Getting motivated as I need to go grocery shopping and the post office to mail my oldest Daughter her birthday gift. She will turn 40 in 2 days! I cant believe she is that old or me. LOL! Yes, I would sell my Mother’s home after she is gone. I don’t want to deal with renters, family or not. Thanks for the compliment i-did-it! It’s hard watching your child struggle but she has to try to make it on her own. Well, I better jump in the shower and get going! Have a great gamble free day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I paid the bills I could as some are auto pay. I bought groceries and was able to stock up on toilet paper, paper towels, Kleenex and light bulbs. I treated myself to some new make up and a new bedroom lamp as mine had died. It felt good to be able to do so. I mailed my oldest Daughter her birthday card with $50 and a brautiful pair of chandelier earrings that i had cteated for her. I did have a fleeting thought about gambling today. The thoughts of driving far to a venue and work tonight stopped me!! The urges have stopped. Raked the front yard. Tomorrow,, I’m tackling the backyard. I must address recent events here on GT. It was very upsetting. I don’t want to be judged or questioned about my recovery. We are all unique. I choose how I handle my recovery. It’s not a one size fits all. What works for someone else may not work for me but it’s not my place to judge anyone here. Please think before you post negativity as it affects all of us here!

[kin]

Dear sister

Watch you take one baby step at a time and saw how hopeless end become endless hope.

[Monica1]

Really good to read Liz. It does feel good to be able to buy things as we know only too well the feeling when there is nothing to even buy basic things. It is so much better to be able to get those things. Well done and keep going!

[lizbeth4]

Well, last night was scary. I let my yougest Daughter handle it as I seem to want to take over. . LOL! I want her to learn and make her own decisions although I’m always here to help and talk to. My Granddaughter ran into a door knob. At 19 months they are very clumsy and don’t watch where they are going. She was taken to the ER but all is well. She just has a huge gooseegg on her forehead. My Daughter failed to tell me that she had a accident at work earlier that day. Sheets of dry wall fell on her leg, causing a lot of bruising and swelling. It looks painful from the pictures I’ve seen. I don’t know why she didn’t have it looked at while she was at the ER? I found out her boss isn’t doing things legally. He has no workers comp to cover her,injury. She’s a sweetie but she seems to get caught up with some shady people. Scary!!!! My Boss is really getting annoying. He is 2 hours from where I work. I communicate with him via the phone and texts. Im basically calling my own shots and making decisions. I sent him a supply list of things I need over a week ago. I never received any acknowledgement from him. I finally called him and he got it. Couldn’t tell me when I would get the supplies. Asked me if I had vacuumed a vault. I had to remind him that I was doing it on Monday. I’ve never done this type of work before. I guess I’m used to some sort of direction. Oh well. Yes, Monica, it is nice to be able to afford things. I’m used to the basics lately. I have tons of yard work to tackle  tomorrow. URRRRR!

[lizbeth4]

Paying for a landscaper is out of my budget. Once upon a time, I could afford it.

[lizbeth4]

I was thinking tonight while I was working, I need to get another part time job. Mon-Friday, days, 20 hours per week. I could pay off the 3 high interest loans I have. They are really taking a chunk of my money. So, I’ve put it out there in the universe and to my higher power. This job I have now was just dropped on me basically. It was a terrible night at work. Someone spilled coffee throughout the lobby. Big mess! At the other location, there was glitter and icing from cookies through the lobby. I only get paid for a certain amount of time for each bank. If I go over that, I’m working for nothing. Tonight I went over 1 hour. Oh well, I couldn’t leave it like that. Tired. Going to bed. Tomorrow, I’m working most of the day in my back yard. Nighty night!

[lizbeth4]

When I was shopping last Thursday, I ran into my acquaintance. She is a active CG and claims to have a lot of money. I glanced into her cart and it reminded me of how I shop when I’ve gambled. Theyv e downsized recently into a way smaller home in the worse part of town. Her Husband has cancer and his health insurance won’t pay all of the chemo. They are already $50,000 in rears to the DR. She told me she goes everyday to the casino. I wanted to scream. So sad! Then I ran into my favorite cocktail waitresses and her kids. She asked me where I’d been. I told her that I had banned myself from the casino. She said good for you! She said it was basically the same people everyday and the same sad faces. She said it was depressing. It was a eye opener!!!! Made me happy that I’m not gambling.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lisbeth
Do you write down your times – can U claw back that hour- maybe fifteen minutes here and there?

You are too valuable to work for free!
You seem to like working despite the hiccups.
Another job sounds ideal but could you become overwhelmed? Remember paying off at a slower rate is still getting you there .

Hope your daughter and grand daughter recover soon from their injuries .
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Yes, I write down my start and finish times at work. I could shave of 15 mins here and there at the larger bank to make up when I go over the alloted time. I’m being very specific about the new job so I may not find such a job. I’m feeling motivated. But paying off my debts at a slower rate is ok. My Daughter is going to get her leg xrayed tomorrow. Her kneecap looks strange, like something is broken. My Granddaughter is just fine.

[lizbeth4]

Where do I start? I’ve had gamvling thoughts. My Sister is coming for a surprise visit. She said specifically to see Mom. It really hit me the wrong way. I work 2 of the days that she is here. I’m sure part of that time they will spend in the casino. I may get a invite for dinner. I know I shouldn’t give a damn but they are hurtful and disrespectful. I’ve been a good daughter and sister. I can’t stop the way they act but it’s not going to be like last time. I may just have to stay away.

[lizbeth4]

Cleaned the bank vault this morning. I will have the 11th and 12th off because of Veterans Day. I’m thinking of getting my Granddaughter. While I was at the bank, my supply order came in, not what I asked my boss for. URRRR! I had left overs from the salmon dinner I fixed my Mom. Yummy. Going to work in a hour. Tomorrow, cleaning up leaves in the front yard. Keeping busy and staying out of trouble!!!

[kin]

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the LORD has promised to those who love him.

[lizbeth4]

Having a crappy day! My pay from the job was significantly short. A mistake. Payroll is in another state. 10 days toll it will be fixed? No advance. Puts me in a extremely bad place. Also. Some sort of bug is going around town. Sore throat, fever. I’ve been filling sick all day. Have to go to work soon. URRRRR!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbet
You have got this – its temporary unlike when we gamble and the money is gone forever! I know it’s a pain and so disappointing after working so hard but none is as good at surviving with little money as us !!

I hope you feel Better – I have Been making a kind of turmeric milk(except I use cream and a few other spices with it ) and I hve to say it really seems to be keeping bugs at bay ! It must be milk or cream though not tea because the fat helps it to work! Might be worth a try!

[lizbeth4]

Besides my short pay check, I’ve gambled also today. I didn’t blow a lot but now with the short pay, every penny is precious. I’m just sick! I had to confess as I feel like the biggest jerk! What is wrong with me. At one point of my gambling episode, I’d tripled my money. I couldn’t stop myself till I had put it all back in the machines. Then I come to find out about my pay. Now I have that sinking, depressed feeling, plus I’m sick. I have to go to work soon. I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. I haven’t paid all of my bills so mote excuses and double payments next month! OMG, when am I going to learn?

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t ate all day! Just sick of my stupid actions. I’m working my butt of and spinning my wheels! I never learn. I wish I could stop this crap. I’m aging. Gambling is sucking the life out of me!!!

[lizbeth4]

Need to post. I know it’s multiple times but it helps me. I made some dinner and I was hungry. I had another job opportunity but had to turn it down as it wasn’t for me. I know, at this moment I should be taking anything. Someone who I meet while selling items, offered me the job. Delivering food from 6 different places here. Day hours! I don’t want to be on call. I want set hours. The surrounding small towns are remote and the roads aren’t paved. A lot of wear and tear on my car. So I said no. Feeling like a big loser. I’ll be scraping the rest of the month. My debts are so overwhelming even with the debt consolidation as some creditors won’t join. I can’t mess up. Almost every cent is for bills. I have a little money for myself but not much. My part time job should be alievating some of the pressure but not if I keep gambling. How did it all come to this? Part of me dies with every relapse.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth
So sorry to read you gambled – it is so hard to stay stopped.
I took on extra work two years ago and I have not seen the benefit of it due to gambling so I know what that feels like.

I don’t know if there is any way you can put barriers in place to protect your earnings.

Today is a new day- you have money coming to you and you have enough to scrape by. You will be ok Lizbeth – it feels so horrible right now but this too will pass .
Hugs xx

[vera]

Being caught up in the turmoil of money issues is bad for a CG, Liz. Our minds become obsessed with counting. adding , subtracting, projecting figures to the future when we visualize our income and outgoings.and how we can manage them. We become preoccupied with filthy lucre -m o n e y. During times of calm, my mind is not obsessed with money. These are the times I don’t gamble. When I get caught up, mentally in financial issues, I always turn to gambling as a perceived solution. It sounds impossible, Lizbeth , but if you can forget about money, your gambling will decrease. I think that job may not be the answer to your problems. Why? Because it involves extra cash . When I plod along with the basic , regular income, I manage ok. Money comes and goes. The restlessness created by greed to make more money leads me to the casino. Even shifting money across accounts can be dangerous. I hear you on the “triple win”, Lizbeth…been there SO often, only to walk out penniless. Why do we demoralize ourselves? Torture to the extreme! And, yes part of us does die with every relapse. Time for us golden girls to reclaim our lives. God will reward our effort when we don’t gamble. I have witnessed that many times but God won’t be mocked. I have spat in His Eye once too often. Dust yourself down and start again Lizbeth. Gambling is one hell of an addiction to overcome.

God is good. Always!

[lizbeth4]

I slept well as I was exhausted with all of my worrying. I can’t GAMBLE ANYMORE! I’m at the end of the road and will be facing terrible consequences if I continue. I need to make a few phone calls today and put off paying a few bills. Vera, I had good intentions with my new job but it does give me more temptations. I wish I could go into residential treatment but I couldn’t afford it and my insurance doesn’t cover it. I truly need some major help dealing with this addiction. Today I’m so mentally tired. I’m going to rake the leaves in the front yard. I’m going to decide whether I’m going to pick up my Granddaughter on Sunday thru Tuesday afternoon. It might do me good.

[kin]

Every relapse that keep happening to me, happen for a reason, it has help me to seek and find the Truth. The Truth will set you free.

John 14:6

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Jeremiah 16:19

O LORD, my strength and my stronghold, And my refuge in the day of distress, To You the nations will come From the ends of the earth and say, “Our fathers have inherited nothing but falsehood, futility and things of no profit.”

[lizbeth4]

Today was a little better. Thanksgiving has been figured out. My oldest Nephew and his family are coming on Thanksgiving. My oldest Daughter, Grandson are coming the day before. She is cooking a non transitional meal for us. They are having Thanksgiving dinner with her boyfriend’s family. I went with my Mom to purchase a turkey, ect. I’m cooking on Thanksgiving. I will know Friday after the oven repair guy is here whether it will be at my house or Mom’s. I decided to pick up my Granddaughter for a few days as I have Monday off. Waa a little undecided but I don’t get to spend a lot of time with her. We can go on walks and the playground. I keep causing damage to my finances every time I relapse. Whether big or small it keeps me going backwards. I’m tired of it!!! Thinking of more barriers and support. Must find ways to overcome this addiction.

[lizbeth4]

I woke early as my brain won’t shut off. Worried about some debt I can’t pa y. I never seem to have enough money to go around, gambling or not! Very stressful and frustrating. This month, I blew it gambling. Next month, I need to save every penny. Vicious cycle when you have maxed out credit cards to gamble and to pay bills because of gambling. These creditors wouldn’t join my debt consolidation. Fear of court judgments are real. Then they will try to negotiate with me. Waiting for it to happen. A judgement could mean the lose of my job. So stressful and frustrating. So, I live for today and do my best.

[lizbeth4]

I ran errands, did some grocery shopping and cleaned my house. It’s been cold and windy. I don’t want to go to work but will. I thought today of getting another loan to pay some bills but I already have 3 small loans with high interest rates. I’m in too deep. So, I made the logical conclusion that it would be a stupid decision. A quick fix with long term consequences! The right conclusion is to not gamble, buy basics, and save every penny. I keep sabotaging my progress. Today, I am done with that behavior. It’s time to step up and do the right things!

[lizbeth4]

Thought about my debts. Some were due to gambling, living beyond my means and trying to please others. I’ve read Dave Ramsey books and agree with a lot that he says about finances. My debt consolidation company offers online classes (free). I’m thinking of participating. Anything to grow,and learn. Going to bed soon. Oven repair guy will be here in the morning.

[lizbeth4]

The oven repairman fixed the oven but had to order a new burner and clock. He will be back on the 20th. At least it is covered by my home warranty. I already baked some blueberry muffins and brought some to my Mom and her neighbor. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want a “normal” life, gambling can never be a part of it!! It will always be a disastrous situation for me. Playing bingo, scratch and lottery tickets are also off bounds. They just trigger my desire to gamble. I will never have control over my addiction. I will learn to live with it by using barriers, support and my higher power!!!

[vera]

When I gamble I don’t bake….just taking the 2nd Christmas Cake out of the oven. Smells good. I give a cake and pudding to a neighbour for a present every year.Glad you got your oven fixed. Nothing nicer than the smell of home baking. You don’t get that in the casino. More to life than money! Good for you for bouncing back to normality, Lizbeth. Gambling spoils everything.

[lizbeth4]

While vacuuming at work tonight, gambling thoughts came into my head. I thought of my precious Granddaughter. After tomorrow, we will have 2 1/2 days together. She might need something and I would be broke. I also thought of my Grandson. We talked a few days ago and have made plans for me to come and spend 2 days after the holidays. We are going to have pizza and go to the movies. We are movie buddies from back when he was 3 years old. LOL! My thoughts shifted and the urges stopped. Home now in my warm PJs. Going to watch a movie.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been very industrious Today! I went to the library, washed the car, raked up leaves in the front and side yards. I have a enchilada, black bean and cheese casserole in the oven. My own creation. No gambling thoughts Today! Have work this evening, one bank, the large one. Going to thoroughly clean the break/kitchen area. Things are going well.

[velvet]

Great post Lizbeth
You are doing well
You are in my thoughts
Velvet

[kathryn]

Wow, ive read back since I posted to you last and you have been on quite the roller coaster.
Your family seems to be a major trigger for you. Im not sure how to remedy that, they are your family after all…..I guess you need to find a way to cope and de stress after dealing with them. Have you maybe tried meditation? Im not saying this from experience, but I feel like you may need to sit and breathe and let out all that negative energy that engulfs you.
Since my mum died, I haven’t been able to get to sleep. Once im there im fine but its the getting to sleep I find difficult. So I found something on you tube that I play in my headphones once I get into bed that sends me off to sleep. Surely there would be something there that could help you with the stress…..I don’t know if you are into that kind of thing but its something that doesn’t cost a lot, you can do at home, maybe light a lovely candle to make the room smell great and meditate, de stress, relax, breathe, all the good stuff?
Its just a thought.
I hope you are feeling a bit better, at least your oven is working! Sometimes its the little things my friend!
Take care, Love K xxxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Busy day. Went to the city to get my Granddaughter! A lot of driving. We went to my Mom’s, Great Grandmother, to visit. My Granddaughter insists on calling me Nana and my Mom Grandma. We played all day. She’s sleeping now. She had 2 tumbles today and has a mark on her nose and a bump on the back of her head. She runs full force and doesn’t quit yet realize to watch were She s going. She’s quite a handful but a lot of fun. Her vocabulary keeps growing and she talks all the time. She’s only asked for Mommy twice. K, I do meditate. I play soothing music also at bedtime. I’m not taking the prescribed sleep medicine as I wake up with a all day foggy feeling, even when I take only 1/4 pill. My Sister di dnt come for a visit. Her boyfriend who is 18 years her senior is having health issues. I had decided to keep my distance from my Mom and her if she came and just let them do their thing. K, little things make me happy. My house was full of blueberry muffin smell after my oven was fix. And they were delicious! Going to sleep. Tired.

[kin]

It was so nice and sweet to see you counting your blessings

fyi, I have been following and reading your journal.

[lizbeth4]

I really appreciate your support and I follow your thread also. You have said many things that have pertained to my life. Keep posting your thoughts. I’m learning to appreciate the small things. Sometimes they only come around once.

[Monica1]

I too follow your journal daily but don’t always post. Kathryn is right that your family are a trigger but that isn’t something you don’t know, I guess.
I had to dig deep to understand why I was in full self destruct mode and work through a lot of issues. I too relapsed Over and over again. But is was only in a spiritual solution that I found my recovery as some of the issues had a spiritual cause. There were a long list of others too. Often in life we can’t move on until we sort things out and the situation will arise over and over again until we finally get it. It took me a very long time to get it and I no longer want to spend my valuable stuck in a time warp of repeating behaviours over and over again until I finally get it. I was sick of the misery it all caused.
I am only saying this Liz cos It was my experience. Not to say that it is yours but I really want to see you gambling free and not impacted by the misery of gambling.

[lizbeth4]

Im able to post as my Granddaughter is sleeping. No park or outdoors for us as it is extremely cold and windy. She is used to warmer weather. Monica, I value what you’ve said on my thread as I do others here. I think that every time I’ve relapsed, I have learned a valuable lesson. The hard way! My family is one of my triggers, but I’ve come a long way with that obstacle. I’m still learning. Right know I’m in a tough spot, financially, which brings on thoughts of a BIG WIN! But I know that I can work through this if I persevere and don’t gamble. I have a few triggers and issues. I need to keep working on all of these. I have been digging deep as painful as it is. I know the reasons that I gamble. I need to resolve these issues and get unstuck. I don’t want to be miserable and gambling anymore. When I read others threads, I may not respond but I take from them the things that relate to my situation and advice that others have given. It’s all a learning process. I’m not giving up!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve decided that 2020 will be the year for my big cross country road trip! I am aiming for a 3 month adventure. Although I have a few day to 2 day trips planned next year. This is my goal. The rv may be out of the picture because of costs, so it may be by car and economy motels but I will do it! I’ve checked out some books from the library and I’m starting to plot my trip. Exciting! This gives me until June of 2019 to get some financial issues resolved and maybe another temporary part time job.

[Monica1]

That’s like me and my 2020 vision of round the world cruise, 4 months in all. Let’s head for it!

[lizbeth4]

I took my Granddaughter home today. She was glad to see Mommy. I foresee many adventures ahead for her and I. My Daughter had to quit the construction job as their schedule keeps changing and they want her to work 12 hour days. She’s looking for employment again. She worries me. Mother intuition. But I have to step back and let her do it her way. Yes Monica, let’s do this! I’m going to journal my trip and take a lot of pics for a album. Most of my friends and family think I’m crazy for traveling alone. But I’m not going to keep being alone stop me from pursuing my dreams. I know how to be careful. I’m excited and have goals to achieve. First freeze last night. Time to cut back 13 rose bushes and shrubs and vines. Busy, busy!!! No gambling thoughts! Going to work in 1 hour. Still thinking about another part time job. My whole trip will be paid for before I go. No credit!

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth,
I really look forward to reading the thing you do nowadays. I share your joy when you tell us what you do with your grand daughter.
I really respect you and all the ladies in here for everything you do for your family.

[lizbeth4]

I’m waiting for it to warm up a bit before tackling the rose bushes. Kin, my Daughters and Grandchildren are my loves. I was thinking this morning of what I don’t have. How broke I am till payday on the 21st! Why does my mind think like that? I have so much: people who love me, a roof over my head, food to eat, many things others don’t have. It’s about being grateful and living in the moment. No, I may not have  everything I want but I have everything I need. I need to stop comparing my life to others. I’m looking from the outside. I have no idea what anyone’s life is really like. I’m no better or worse than anyone else. Appreciate your life and journey. There is only one you.

[lizbeth4]

Still doing yard work. Actually, I like it, it’s good exercise and keeps me busy. Spent some time with my Mom today. I leave now when she starts her meanness. It usually doesn’t take long. LOL. I have to find humor in this as it in reality is very sad. I am a good Daughter. I spent a lot of time with her the first few years after I moved here. She complained about everything and was never happy. I couldn’t do anything right. One day I woke up and decided that I couldn’t listen to her everyday. So I had to limit my time with her. Sad but true. She is a big trigger for me. I realize it and can remove myself without guilt. See, I’m making progress. Slowly but surely!

[lizbeth4]

I reread my last post and I became very sad! Looking back, my relationship with her has always been difficult and strained. Maybe I was thinking as we both grew older things would change but what I’ve learned is that you can’t change anyone. So, although I love her, I choose to give my love and time to the ones who love me, my children and Grandchildren and friends. Now, I have to heal the deep wounds and put up the barriers to keep from gett ing hurt. I know that I definitely don’t what to GAMBLE again. I have a lot to live for. A lot of adventures ahead of me!!!!

[kin]

“I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet”

“I thought I had a bad life because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet”

“I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet”

I sink into self pity, shame and guilt because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet”

[lizbeth4]

I just finished work! I spent 4 hours today doing yard work. Tomorrow will be the same. For some reason, I’m feeling lonely. Most of the time I like being alone. Well, Thanksgiving is next week so there will be family visiting and cooking to do. Then I’ll want to be alone again. LOL! No gambling thoughts or urges.

[lizbeth4]

I’m getting unexpected visitors. My Grandson and ex son in law! A good surprise!!! I think I get too caught up in my little life. You know, the daily routines. I’ll be glad to see both of them. I went to the library and found some Marvel movies that my Grandson likes and we can watch together. Maybe we’ll play some games. No gambling thoughts or urges!

[lizbeth4]

Regrets: Yes, I have some caused by my gambling addiction. My biggest being that I can’t help my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter as much as i would like to. Guilt, yes I feel guilty about it. Answers: I can’t change the past only the future. I can only do what I can do. This doesn’t only pertain to money. I can help in other ways. Understanding what this addiction has cost me, monetarily, spiritually, physically, helps me to not gamble.

[lizbeth4]

My oldest Daughter just called and she, my Grandson and her boyfriend will be coming the day after Thanksgiving. She will cook dinner for us and they are spending the night. It’s not often that I have both of my Daughters and Grandchildren at my house at the same time. HAPPINESS!

[lizbeth4]

My oldest Daughter is having Christmas dinner at her house this year. Actually 2 days before Christmas and on my day off of work. Very exciting! I spent the night with my Mom as she wasn’t feeling well. Today she is much better. I’ve come home to take a shower and do a few things before work. No gambling thoughts or urges today.

[lizbeth4]

Made it through work. Monday and Fridays are my hardest days. Didn’t sleep much last night as I kept a watch over my Mom. I think it was a stomach bug! The stove will be completely repaired tomorrow afternoon. Yeah! I’m feeling a bit low as this month and next my finances will be tight! But my bills will be paid. No money for extras. I need to stay my course as hard as it may be. Financial responsibility is part of my recovery also .
Christmas presents will be bought only for the Grandkids again. Somehow I’ve lost 10 lbs! Maybe it’s because I’ve been so busy. Another 15 lbs would be awesome. LOL. Had some gambling thoughts this evening but I know I can’t GAMBLE!

[lizbeth4]

Trying to get motivated. I’ve had thoughts of gambling. Payday is a few days away. I keep thinking of the consequences. Not paying bills, bring broke and the holidays are approaching. I will keep thinking of the end results. I’m making earrings for my Daughters and Sister for Christmas. Getting ready to rake the front yard. Life is good!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth keep that image of your grandkids and family at Christmas in your mind when the urges come – think it through to the finish- we never win, we never will have a better Christmas because we have gambled – it only destroys everything we look forward to.

You are doing great – keep reminding yourself that you deserve a great Christmas .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your support. No raking since the wind has kicked up! Yes, I need to keep the holidays in sight. I’ve been able to keep the urges at bay. Trying to keep the big picture in view
If I gamble, I will have to take out a high interest loan to make up for my losses. Right now i have 3 of those because of my gambling relapses. The last one will be paid off next September. It takes a big chunk of my money but is a reminder of what i don’t want to repeat. Today, I made progress with one of the companies whom wouldn t get on my debt repayment plan. I can’t mess up my set up payments with them. It will be paid off in June. THE BIG PICTURE : To be debt ftee!!! Wednesday is my payday from my part time job. Enough to make my car payment. Eight payments left! Some left over for gas to go to and from the city to get my Daughter and Granddaughter. I CAN’T MESS UP ANYMORE! THIS IS IT!

[lizbeth4]

Finished helping my Mom with peeling potatoes and making deviled eggs for tomorrow. I will be up early to travel to the city to get my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter. Then my oldest Daughter and Grandson will be here on Friday! Friday night is the town’s Christmas tree lighting and we will see Mr and Mrs Clause. Fun! I’m feeling blessed to have them all together with me! I have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes I lose sight of that. I was paid today from my part time job, 22 hours. I payed my car payment, filled my gas tank and purchased some grocieres and have some left over. I seem to relapse when I’m close to making a financial break through. Not this time!!!! I will have all 3 loans paid off by next September, my car and 1 large credit card debt! $1200 a month paid off!!!! That can go into savings for a emergency fund and towards my road trip in 2020. No self sabotaging! I’m worth a happy gamble free life!!! ??

[kathryn]

I have an image in my head of all the American Christmas movies ive seen over the years with the lighting of the Christmas tree. And it is always gorgeous!!!! So I hope you enjoyed the festivities!!
2020, that’s hopefully my year to head back to the USA with my bestie. We are just starting to talk about where we are going, and it looks like a bit of a road trip around Tennessee way, then to San Fran, then down the coast to LA and home.
Exciting stuff.
Im looking after Tex tonight, and I have been madly putting up anything that is breakable…..that kid touches absolutely EVERYTHING!!!
Hope you have a happy weekend,
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

I can relate to moving things as my Granddaughter is a meddler and climber. Lol! The Christmas tree lighting was awesomer. My Granddaughter didn’t get pics with Mr and Mrs Clause as the line was very, very long! Thanksgiving and today didn’t go as planned. Let’s just say that some people consumed too much alcohol! I just went with the flow. Amazingly, it didn’t trigger my gambling urges! The last 2 days have been stressful! My youngest Daughter is without work again. She is relying on her,friends and the church to take care of her and my Granddaughter. I’m concerned and worried. She’s being picky in her job choices when she should be taking anything job to bring in some money. She’s trying to hatch up a scheme with a friend to make money, it’s legal but I can see it not working. I don’t mind helping her a little but I’m in no position to financially support her. I don’t get it. Kathryn, I can’t wait till my 2020 road trip! It will probably be in the summer months. Everyone thinks I’m crazy to be traveling alone. No one is going to burst my bubble! I’m going to start my planning after the holidays. It’s mostly going to be National parks. I may have to downsize to a 30 day trip as it’s going to be costly. I’m so excited. Gambling can’t be a part of my life!

[Monica1]

Just tuning in and catching up with posts. Happy Thanksgiving. I always liked the idea of thanksgiving. Gratitude for the things we have in life. I would be the same if everyone consumed too much alcohol, something I have done many times in life but not now for decades.
The trips we plan, must keep the dream alive Liz!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
Hope you had a great thanksgiving. As I read about the trips you and Kathyrn have planned, i realised how different my plans are now that i have stopped gambling. I think first on my list is new windows followed by a new kitchen and bathroom.
Not as exciting as trip but fills me with huge excitement .

You are very brave to plan that trip alone- but why not? Could you purchase parts of the trip each payday? I am thinking maybe the bus /plane ticket to the first park and then the hotel ..that way gambling can’t steal this trip from you. Just an idea- I sometimes wish i could purchase small parts of my kitchen as i go along but then if the range was discontinued i would be left with half a kitchen.

keep strong Lisbeth and continue to focus on all those good things in your life.
xx

[lizbeth4]

My Daughters and Grandchildren left for the city. My oldest was able to give her Sister and Neice a ride home. I was able to give my youngest the money I would have spent taking her home. I have gas on my car, food and all my bills are paid. 7 days till payday. Thanks to not gambling I am in a better financial position. Little steps! Today we all just watched Disney movies, ate and talked. It was a good day! I don’t know if it because I’m getting older but I seem to weather the blips that happen such as the Thanksgiving incident and yesterday’s dinner fiasco. It all worked out. Not the way it was planned but that’s ok. I-did-it, my trip will be by car. I’m rethinking that I will go in the spring instead of summer as it may be easier to find hotels on the way and less crowded. I’m going to plan out the trip but do other stops if something catches my interest. I’m making categories such as, hotel fund, gas, food, entrance fees, ect… I’m saving that way! Of course I will have a emergency fund in case of car problems. I may need new tires beforehand. I have my car serviced regularly. Going to work in a few hours. I’m a little tired. Last night after the tree lighting and other activities, I had both banks to clean. I didn’t get home till midnight. Maybe I can get a little nap in!

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth,
Glad to see things slowly improving in your life. Hope you will find time to have proper rest and sleep when you are really tired.

[lizbeth4]

Yes, self care. I’m getting better with that. I do rest and I’m still trying to improve my sleep. I’m looking forward to payday as I’m purchasing a few jewerly making supplies. I’m making a few Christmas gifts. The only ones I’m buying is for my Grandchildren. I’m going to rake the front yard when it warms up a bit. The house is very quiet with everyone gone. Back to my life, working, taking care of my house, but taking time for myself also. Life is good. No room for gambling!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been busy running errands. Making egg salad and waiting for it to warm up a little more before doing yard work. Thursday rain and light snow showers are expected. Miss my girls and Grandkids. But before you know it Christmas will be here! Thinking of putting up the Christmas tree this weekend. No gambling thoughts!

[lizbeth4]

Still having sleeping issues. My prescription is the lowest dose and it’s too much for me even when I cut it in half. I don’t like the foggy feeling the next day. I’ve used tea tree  oil on both small spots on my face and arm and they have disappeared. I think I’m a lot like my Grandmother. She always tried alternative medicine. The stove guy will be here this afternoon to replace the burner on my stove and it will be completely repaired! I have more yard work planned for today. Gambling hasn’t crossed my mind. It can’t be in the picture if I’m going to achieve my goals and dreams.

[lizbeth4]

I slept a little better. I think I was exhausted. Today more yard work in the back yard. Rain and some snow is predicted for the next few days. That would be a good time to work on my jewelry gifts for Chrtistmas. I can’t wait for payday so I can buy a few jewerly supplies. I have a few cool ideas for my Daughters gifts. My stove is officially fixed. Time to make some Christmas breads. Nothing can beat the smell of fresh bread baking. I’ve had no gambling thoughts. I’ve been thinking and planning my veggie garden for next year and contemplating of making peach and apple jams from my trees. Really thinking of my big road trip. It will take a lot of planning. I have many things to fill my days. Gambling cant be a part of it. Life can be good!

[lizbeth4]

Just finished work. Today is one of my easier days. I finally picked up my mail. Mostly ads but I had a surprise. I had overpaid a bill and there was a refund check. Not big but could buy a lot of beads and other jewelry making materials. First thought was that I could gamble. I even got as far as changing my clothes and putting on make up. I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself. How sad I thought! NO! This is not going to happen!!! How can I reach my goals? I put my PJ’s on and washed my face. Watching a movie. Also, I’ve recieved many pre approved credit card offers. No interest for a period of time then high interest rates. I have tore them all up and opted to be off of their mailing lists. I am proud of myself. I’ve been able to think things through and not act impulsively. The check goes into my savings account tomorrow.

[vera]

The little extra money is a reward for your efforts, Lizbeth. I often notice little perks and bonuses pop up when I live righteously.
It could also be a test of endurance!
Either way, you have dealt with it in the correct way.
Your mindset is changing.
The Gambling mind sees money and says “Ya! Money! Gambling!”
The non Gambling mind says “Savings. Road trip. Bills. Christmas pressies”
Well done, Lizbeth. It could have turned out very differently.

[jen3]

Proud of you Lizbeth! Very encouraging. That’s what we have to do ….. really think it through.

[lizbeth4]

I slept well. I woke feeling good that i hadnt gambled. I dreamed last night about my big trip! I was hiking a canyon in Utah. Oh my, it was so beautiful and serene! I was looking around with tears of joy. These are the feeling that i want to experience. Not the feelings of despair and the gambling hangover. I want to be at peace with myself. To the bank when it opens to deposit the check. The start of my trip fund!!

[lizbeth4]

I deposited the check into my savings! Yeah! I stopped by my Mom’s to check on her. She still drives and functions on her own. I had to limit my time with her to 2 times per week. That’s all I can handle. The NEGATIVITY is so depressing. The jabs and putting me down, I wouldnt tolerate from anyone else. I guess out of a feeling of obligation I check on her. How sad is that? The good news is that I no longer feel any guilt over it. She used to be a big trigger for me. But no more! The lesson I’ve learned from her is that I don’t want to be like that!  Life is what we make it!

[lizbeth4]

This has ended up being my PJ’s and movie day until tonight when I work. It’s cold and rainy. Staying warm. Time to think and reflect. Sometimes things feel scary. I’m on my own and must find solutions to any issues that come up. It’s so strange, even over 5 years after Hubbys death to face life without him. I feel that all in all, I’m doing alright. If I don’t feed this addiction anymore, I will be a happy person. So far, no urges or thoughts of gambling. I’ve lost so much of myself to this addiction. I’m not losing anymore!

[kathryn]

Look how much you have done on your own!
You are one strong lady. You have faced so much, scary or not and come out the other side.
Sometimes we forget to look at just what we have done because we are so busy focusing on what is happening right this second, and you, my friend have been a shining light on this forum.
Some days will always be harder than others, but lets face it, if we gamble it will only magnify the hard.
Im glad you have sorted your time out with your mum. And your big trip, keep focusing on that, it sounds amazing!!!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

You’re right! Looking back, I’ve come a long way. I am stronger than I thought I was. Gambling can’t be a part of my life! 2019, many debts will be paid off. I will be in the planning stages for my 2020 BIG TRIP! Many things to look forward to. His spirit will travel with me!!!

[lizbeth4]

It’s hard to go to work at night when it’s so chilly and raining! I bundled myself up and got it done. I have to keep my plans and goals in sight. Starting in January, my work checks will be depisited in my savings for the BIG TRIP! I love saying that!! LOL!! Can’t wait for payday on Monday. I’m purchasing my Grandchildren’s Christmas gifts, jewerly supplies and a few other items. It feels good to be able to splurge a little! Bills will be paid also. Im feeling more responsible. I’ve never been good with money but I’m sticking to my budget and debt repayment plan. I’m already seeing little results. Feeling good.

[lizbeth4]

I was reading others threads. I’ve been late on bills . It’s damaged my credit but that can be repaired. That’s why most of my credit cards are on a monthly repayment plan. I’ve been able to keep up with everything because of not gambling. A lot of my debt is from past gambling episodes. I can’t gamble as I become a out of control person. I slept so well last night. I’m doing laundry and then off to the library. Tomorrow the Christmas tree goes up! Can’t believe it’s almost Christmas!!!

[lizbeth4]

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer.

[jen3]

I follow your thread. You’re doing Great Liz!

[lizbeth4]

My Christmas tree and decorations are up! Tomorrow is my big payday. Bills will be paid and the Grandkids Christmas presents will be ordered. Doing a little shopping for groceries and jewelry making materials. And i will have money left to save! Thanks to not gambling! Making homemade veggie soup. Thinking about cutting out processed foods and eating clean. That’s going to be hard one but i can do it. Anything is possible!

[vera]

I am really pleased to hear your good news, Lizbeth. You have bounced back from the cliff edge. Thank God!
You deserve a good life.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth

You are ahead of me Lizbeth, I haven’t put my tree or decorations up
Well done, I love hearing the positive ‘you’.

Velvet

[jen3]

That’s great.  I eat Pretty clean.  Once you start after a week or two you will crave the good stuff versus the processed crap.  I do cheat on weekends occasionally and than I feel like crap.  Kind of like after gambling. Lol. Good luck! 

[lizbeth4]

Jen, I stopped eating beef, poultry and pork, 15 months ago. I eat fish and a little dairy. I really think that processed foods are unhealthy. I’m going to try and eat clean during the week and cheat on the weekends in the beginning. I’m making soups, granola, ect… I’m designing a new garden layout for the spring. I have strawberries plants and a peach tree also. I was able to vacumn seal and freeze veggies for this winter   Our farmers market which operates in the spring and summer is awesome. I’ve purchased fresh veggies, honey, vegan spaghetti, ect…there. It can fill the gaps of what I can’t grow. I feel better eating healthy. It’s hard but worth it!! Plus it keeps me busy and out of the casinos!!!

[jen3]

That all sounds Great! I mostly do it to keep weight off. The only upside of gambling…. (There really is no up side) I could go 2-3 days without eating. Most expensive unhealthy diet on the planet. ??

[lizbeth4]

Woke early! Checked my account and my deposit is there! I’ll be happy when my 3 high interest loans are paid off next year. Remnants of gambling relapses!! A big reminder for me to not GAMBLE! Sometimes I still have to forgive myself gor being so foolish. But it is a lesson learned!

[lizbeth4]

Home from work. Earlier today, I paid bills, ordered the Grandkids Christmas presents. There is only 1 department store here. Not very many choices. I went grocery shopping and my pantry is full again. I purchased all of the jewelry making materials and only had to order 1 item. I’m very excited about the jewelry and will get started on it soon as the items are Christmas presents. I have a sore throat and runny nose. It’s been very cold here. I’m taking extra vitamin C and drinking hot tea with lemon and honey. It was a good day though. No gambling thoughts or urges!

[lizbeth4]

Home from work. Earlier today, I paid bills, ordered the Grandkids Christmas presents. There is only 1 department store here. Not very many choices. I went grocery shopping and my pantry is full again. I purchased all of the jewelry making materials and only had to order 1 item. I’m very excited about the jewelry and we get started on it soon as the items are Christmas presents. I have a sore throat and runny nose. It’s been very cold here. I’m taking extra vitamin C and drinking hot tea with lemon and honey. It was a good day though. No gambling thoughts or urges!

[i-did-it]

Hi lizbeth,
Isn’t planning good things so much better than gambling? What a Lovely idea to make jewellery as gifts – I so wish I was artistic – and you have the most important gifts sorted out – those for your grandkids.

It is a pleasure to read your happy post !
Keep strong xx

[lizbeth4]

I’ve learned a lot about jewelry making from watching tutorials. Then I’ve incorporated my ideas into it. It’s fun and I love looking at the finished products and hey, they are originals!!! LOL! Today my Mom and I went to a few small shops in town and then for lunch. I must say that it was one of the most pleasant times I’ve spent with her. We talked and laughed! Nothing heavy. Gambling causes too much chaos in my life!!!! I’m becoming much more responsible with my money also. It feels good.

[vera]

Perhaps meeting with your mother on neutral ground is the answer, Lizbeth!
She has to behave reasonably in public. LOL

[lizbeth4]

Today was spent running a few errands. Have 1 bank to clean tonight. I’m going to run by the library beforehand. I had thoughts about gambling today. I have money for my bills and I have plenty of food. I have a small amount of money (cushion) till my next payday later this month. I told myself NO! I’m not going to screw up my finances again! I thought of my BIG TRIP and my peace of mind. I just can’t put myself into that hell again. Tomorrow, I’m going to make my Sister’s earrings (Christmas gift). Then I have 3 other pieces to make. The key for myself is to keep busy. I’m not sure of my gambling free time. I’d have to look back on my thread. It doesnt really matter. Today I am gamble free!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth
That’s exactly right – it doesn’t matter how many gamble free days we have – so long as today is gamble free.
I sometimes feel keeping track of days is counterproductive-a small slip feels like a gigantic setback and this leads to chaseing losses.

Enjoy making those earrings and other gifts xx

[lizbeth4]

If you fell down yesterday, it’s alright. Pick yourself up and start over.

[lizbeth4]

Each morning we are born again, what we do today matters the most.

[lizbeth4]

Yeap!!! I gambled Wednesday night after work. I drove over 1 hour to a neighboring town where I haven’t banned. I didn’t get home till 3am this morning. I watched movies and laid on the couch all day till work tonight. The damage wasn’t a lot but enough. I can pay all of my bills but one. Do, next month I start out in the hole again. Why did I gamble? I don’t know. It wasn’t enjoyable at all. I think I keep sabotaging my progress because I’M afraid. Afraid of moving forward. Afraid of change. I’m scared. I can’t continue like this. I will never reach my goals and dreams! I think I’ve lived with this addiction for so long that I don’t know how to be “normal”. It’s so irritating!!!

[jen3]

I am sorry that you gambled. You were doing Great! Actually you still are. It was a slip and you can bounce right back. I often think I try and sabatage my happiness with gambling as punishment from all the years I gambled. Ugggh! I hate this flipping addiction and all that it takes from us. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am confident that you can and will get right back up and keep going strong.

[lizbeth4]

I gambled! It is what it is! I’ve set back my recovery and financial progress. I’m mad at myself!!! This addiction does suck! Yesterday, I cleaned out my closet. I wear only half of my clothing. In fact, most of my things are eithet new or have been worn once. I advertised on our local marketplace. A shop owner text me and is buying the whole lot today! This will help to clean out my closet and give me money for gas ect… till next payday in 2 weeks. I need to learn to love myself. I am worth a gamble free life. This cycle can’t continue for me.  It sucks the life out of me!!

[vera]

We all know WHY we gamble, Lizbeth. We are Compulsive Gamblers and that’s what CGs do. (I’m using the term for brevity ) You have done a lot to safeguard you recovery, Lizbeth. More than most, I would say. Try tackling the problem from a different angle . Do not handle money at all. When that shopkeeper buys your clothes (great that you got sale for them), ask for payment in cheque. I know it’s difficult for you on your own, but try to see it like this. YOU are working hard for your (limited) money and some FATCAT is rubbing his/her hands, laughing all the way to the bank . Easy money at the expense of vulnerable people. God forgive them, but that’s the corrupt world we live in. It is up to you and I to protect ourselves and with God’s grace, we can do that. You will survive, Lizbeth but Life is not merely about survival. Prisoners in concentration camps survive. You certainly deserve a better life. Tying up money is the ONLY way we can’t gamble. I feel for you now, Lizbeth. Any one of us could be writing the same post. Can you ban from that casino? Think of yourself as a dog chasing his tail. Total waste of time.

[i-did-it]

I’m sorry to read you gambled Lizbeth -it’s a blip .
What a waste of our hard work to give it to some greedy casino owner .

I guess you need to find a way, as Vera says to lock your money down. I know how hard this is to do .

I can’t advise but for some reason it seems you and I find it difficult to build up gamble free time – I wonder is it because we always manage to escape rock bottom ?

Keep posting and as P used it say “never give up on trying to give up”

Xx

[lizbeth4]

My sore throat has the best of me today. I’m trying to rest and conserve my energy till this evening when I go to work. So, I’ve done more damage to my finances than I first thought. I paid my remaining bills in order of priority. The last 2 will be paid in less than 2 weeks when I get paid again. They will be late but paid. I have my Grandkids Christmas presents! Sadly, I don’t have the energy to work on my jewelry gifts right now. I feel sad, angry and mad at myself right now! This addiction has robbed me of so much: relationships, money, credit, self esteem, my dreams of traveling! I’m starting over! That’s all I can do. I have to handle my finances as I have no one to ask. Yes, I can ban from the last casino. Sometimes I feel so alone with this addiction. If it wasn’t for this site and everyone here, I would of just gone off the deep end. Today is a new day!

[Monica1]

When you posted that you had a bit of spare cash I made the connection and felt there was a risk that you would gamble with it. And you did. It isn’t fun Liz. Having spare cash for me means renewal, travel and being on a mission to make life better. Gambling will never do it. It just never will. I treat myself to nice things. These will never take the place of t he people and relationships in my life but t hey sure the hell bring me some positive energy. Even at 61 it isn’t over. Challenging maybe but there is life there to be grabbed. And we can never find any happiness in pumping our hard earned cash into a machine.

[lizbeth4]

I’ll be 61 this month and I don’t think it’s too late to change. As I’m getting ready for work a sad memory came back to me. I was in my 30’s. My Husband and I were on a tram in Las Vegas. A older gentleman got on the tram. The look of despair and sadness in his face was overwhelming. I knew he was a CG. That’s the first time I suspected that I had a problem. But I didntt actively gamble much in those days. I will never forget his face and expression!!! It haunts me. So I’m sitting here thinking of more barriers to put in place as I don’t want to gamble again. There are a lot of positive things I could do with my money. I don’t want to go to my grave still gambling.

[lizbeth4]

I made it through work. In my PJ’s now getting ready to watch a movie. No work tomorrow, so I’ll rest and see if I can get over this bug. I was thinking , I’ve been able to stop smoking, been able to lose weight and have been able to stop other bad habits. They all took determination, barriers and hard work. I can do this with my gambling addiction too! I have to have the right mindset and determination! I know I’m strong enough to conquer. Tonight I had a pleasant surprise. My Daughters and Grandchildren are having dinner together and going to see Christmas lights. They haven’t been close. It was good to hear.

[lizbeth4]

Feeling lousy. Fought this bug off for about 1 week but it finally got me! I’ve re read all of the posts regarding my relapse. Thank you for your support and views. In the end, it’s all in my hands and the choices I decide to make. I’ve come up with a few more barriers and that includes banning from the latest casino I was in. I’m ready to face the consequences from my latest relapse which may mean a court judgement. Yes, i-did-it, this maybe my rock bottom! I’m not making any excuses about my gambling anymore. I chose to do it. Also, I maybe depending on this site too much. I’m going to limit my posting. I need to stand on my own 2 feet and figure this all out! This will be challenging but with God’s help, I am confident that I will be able to move forward.

[lizbeth4]

Really struggling!!!

[jen3]

I am sorry you are struggling Liz! Lean into God with everything you have. He will help you. Praying for you.

[jen3]

I am sorry you are struggling Liz! Lean into God with everything you have. He will help you. Praying for you.

[lizbeth4]

I made it through the day with God’s grace.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve made it through the last few days and haven’t given in to the ugly monster. Right now, I’m back on track with my creditors. I’ve been given another chance and I won’t blow it this time. I’ve pulled my strength from my inner core and I prayed for God to help me through this. Today’s a new day!!

[jen3]

You can do it Liz!! I have been and will continue to pray for you. We can’t do it alone. We need God’s help. He can and will. Do they offer Celebrate Recovery meetings where you are from??

[lizbeth4]

Nope. I live in a small rural area (from a big city originally). I have to travel 2-3 hours round trip for any meetings and to see a addiction counselor. I was going but now that I work at night it’s to much.

[jen3]

Not that I am one to give advise but have you ever read the book Beyond Addictions by Jeff Rudd?? . I highly recomend it. I am not much of a reader. I picked it up once and could not put it down. Read it cover to cover in a few days. It was very powerful. I did not gamble for ar least 5 months after reading it. I guess I should of re-read it from time to time to keep me in check. Anyways if you have not read it give it a try. I think you will enjoy it and it will really help. I am going to make it a priority to read again.

[lizbeth4]

No Jen, I haven’t read it. I will see if our library has it! Thanks for recommending it. I treated myself to a shrimp dinner afterwork. Oh my goodness. It was delicious! I sold 3 items today and netted $85 dollars. I paid for my dinner and deposited the rest into my bank account. I wanted to gamble but thought it through. I read Kin’s post about living for the what-if’s! I’ve done that most of my life. You get no where. Time for a new mindset!

[lizbeth4]

Sore throat is hanging on! I’ve got everything in place for Christmas. I just have to wrap presents and do some grocery shopping. Working on my jewelry gifts! My Sister will be here this weekend and is taking my Mom and I out to dinner for our birthdays. I’m sure they will be going to the local casino. I’ve banned from there. Also, I have to work on Saturday. I have been able to detour gambling thoughts. I’ve thought of my goals and dreams. I can’t make them a reality while actively gambling. I can do this!

[jen3]

I hope you find the book and I hope you feel better. Oh and have a Great Birthday!!

[lizbeth4]

If my library doesn’t have it, I will buy and download on my Kindle. My Birthday and my Mom’s is one day apart. Yes, I was almost born on her birthday. It’s right before Christmas. Just another day!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi lizbeth ,
Maybe you could go ahead and book a table somewhere that’s not a casino- coincidentally my mum and sister always seem to be a factor in my relapses – not any more .

You have your road trip and I have my home update , and we will focus on those things – not a few hours “fun” and weeks/months of pain . You deserve a good month on your birthday – not just a good few hours .

Happy birthday and it will be so much better gamble free

Xx

[lizbeth4]

I will recommend a place for dinner. There’s only a handful of places, no reservations. I live in a small, rural town. Lol!! No one is going to jeopardize my gambling free time! I treated myself today. I bought shrimp and made a wonderful dinner for myself. I made garlic lemon shrimp, served
over handcrafted lemon pepper pasta (which I had purchased at the farmers market). Wow!!! It was delicious! And I have leftovers. I finished a pair of earrings for my oldest Daughter for Christmas. They turned out so beautiful!!!! Keeping busy and enjoying myself.

[lizbeth4]

I’m having major gambling urges! My car needs a few repairs. They can wait till next month and will take up all of my extra money!!! So my CG brain is telling me that I should gamble and WIN some money. We all know that I will only end up further in the hole. I’m trying to think realistically! I have both banks to clean this evening. This is helping me to stay focused! Oh, I hate this feeling. Jen, my library doesn’t have the book. I will have to get it from Amazon.

[jen3]

I wish I could send you a copy. It really is worth the read. I think it will help more than you can imagine right now. (I just have a gut feeling it will hit home for you)

[lizbeth4]

Jen, I will get a copy. I-did-it, my Mom and Sister are CG’S also. They just haven’t admitted to it yet. I can go into thd casino and eat, ect…as long as I don’t sit down at a machine as I’ve banned there. My Mother already said that we would probably ear there. I’m not going. My Mothet can’t afford to gamble. My Sister’s boyfriend is very wealthy. She doesn’t pay for any living expenses. She’s a high roller. Whatever!!! It’s giving me anxiety! I made it through the day without gambling! I can see my future getting better without gambling. Debts will be falling off next year and I will be able to save money for my trip. I’m going forward not backwards!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth

I am sorry about the unwanted post on your thread. I am not 100% sure how to remove a post in the middle of a thread but I am notifying those who do know how to do it.

In the meantime carry on with your thread as you have been doing because you and your recovery are far too important to be marred by one unpleasant post.

You are in my thoughts

Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thank you Velvet for your help! It is appreciated.

[lizbeth4]

My Sister took us out for lunch, not the casino. But my Mom and Sister have been ar the casino for 9 hours. I’ve finished work and I’m eating the rest of my lunch, Greek Salad with Salmon. I have my PJ’s on and I’m watching a movie. My Mom will suffer the consequences, financially. I’ll hear about it after my Sister leaves tomorrow afternoon. She would never consider getting help. Oh well. I’m gamble free. I can only save myself.

[i-did-it]

Well done Lizbeth – you showed real strength staying home and you sound so happy with your decision !
Yes they will suffer the consequences and you can do nothing about that – but you have made the right decision for you!well done – hope you enjoy the movie !

[lizbeth4]

I’m drained! I can see that I’m not getting much done today. Certain family members suck the life out of me. I have so many hang ups! I realize that if I don’t keep working on myself, I will never be the person I want to be. I do possess many good qualities also. I have to remember that. When I get down, depressed, the gambling monster creeps in. I must keep my goals and dreams in sight. They are my guiding becons!

[lizbeth4]

Hit with 2 unexpected bills! Major trigger for me is not having enough money!!! Something isn’t getting paid and I’m paying property taxes the next 2 months. I did manage to run some errands and clean my car. I’m going to vegg till its time for work.

[jen3]

I hear ya! Unexpected bills or expenses have always been a trigger for me. Crazy how many times I lost thousands trying to get money to cover whatever it was and than when I would add, subtract, add, subtract, blah blah blah after the loss it would turn out that I only needed some of my loss back to cover everything. Uggh today I lost ~60.00 not gambling just lost it and my mind went right to “just go win it and forget about it. “. We know how well that works. In any case I hope it works out. It will, just don’t try and win to cover.

[lizbeth4]

I can’t make anymore money blunders! Every time I have a slip it puts me back at step one with my money. No more chasing the win! The next 2 months, every dime is accounted for. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I dont have any more emergencies. Then I will be able to start saving money. I don’t have any credit cards as I cut them up when I entered my debt repayment plan. Also, no more loans. Everything is cash. I can do this. These relapses have caused me a lot of self induced anxiety, worry and depression. I can’t do it anymore!

[lizbeth4]

My birthday will be spent doing household chores. That’s ok. It’s just another day. I had a haircut yesterday and decided on a new style. It’s short. I like it! It was time for a change. I’ve wrapped all the presents. I need to straighten up the house and do some grocery shopping. I was able to sent my youngest Daughter another $50. She’s not working yet. Honestly, I don’t understand why she doesn’t find employment near where she’s living. She can take a bus. I don’t get it!!! My life is going well. I’m figuring out my finances and ways to save and cut back on things. I’m trying to live each day to the fullest and not worry or stress on the what if’s. I’m doing the best I can!

[jen3]

Doing the best we can is all we really can do, right? I am glad things are going well. I will be praying that they continue to.

[lizbeth4]

So today I spent with my Mother because of our birthdays. I bought her some new slippers and made her some earrings. We also had lunch together. I ran into a acquaintance this afternoon. She asked me if I would be interested in dog sitting while she traveled. So, I’m dog sitting in May for 21 days. I have to stay at her house. No problem. $25 per day, $525 total. She is planning other trips also. MY BIG TRIP FUND!!! Finished my grocery shopping. All ready for Christmas!

[jen3]

That’s Great!! Have a Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!! Hopefully next year at this time we are talking about all our g free time and how much better life is because of it,

[lizbeth4]

Yes, it would be awesome to be gamble free for a year! I know life is so much better without gambling! I feel like being gamble free is like a clean canvas and I can start painting the life I want to live! I finally feel like my dreams and goals are going to happen. That is a Great feeling!! No urges or thoughts!, This time I won’t become complacent in my recovery. I’m learning to take my stress and worries (big triggers for me) and channel them into prayers. Everything doesn’t need to be solved right at this minute. And somethings are out of my hands. I have to release them to my higher power. I have many little goals for next year. I’m sure I will succeed as long as I’m gamble free. Going forward. Not looking back!

[lizbeth4]

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Years! I’m ready for Christmas and heading with my Mother to the city tomorrow afternoon to have dinner at my oldest Daughter’s home. Then my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter will be coming back with me to celebrate Christmas. I have a lot to be grateful for! The positives in my life outweighs the negatives, for sure! I know that gambling can’t be a part of my life if I want a fulfilling life!!! I feel deep within me that my gambling days are over. Life is so much sweeter without it!

[i-did-it]

Happy Christmas Lizbeth and belated happy birthday !
The dog sitting sounds like a great idea – and you will save on electricity in your own house.
Life is much sweeter without gambling and it really is all about mindset . Sounds like you will be busy over the next few days so enjoy every minute of it.
Xx

[Monica1]

I hope u have a wonderful Xmas Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Things aren’t starting off well today! My youngest Daughter and Granddaughter are sick with a stomach bug . I’ll probably be bringing their Christmas gifts to them. I have been doing some volunteer work. I met a Mother and Daughter whose Husband (Father) is in our rehabilitation center here. He had brain surgery and had a few seizures. They live on a reservation (they are Native American) 2 hours away from here. They know no one here and are sleeping in recliners in his room. I’ve invited them to stay with me for a few days. They are supposed to contact me. Well, I’m praying my Daughter and Granddaughter start feeling better soon. I think it’s going to be a long day!!

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter and Granddaughter felt better and were able to travel to my home. They are still sleeping. Dinner yesterday was awesome. I’m feeling upset with my youngest Daughter as she hates where she is living. I don’t think it is the best environment for her and my Granddaughter. She has no car, job, emotional support or help with her Daughter. She is in a rut and can’t get out. I’ve been sending her money and buying diapers . She told me she wasn’t coming home as she hates small towns. She will figure things out.????????? She’s been in the city 8 months now. Very frustrating! Working tonight. Everuone have a Merry, gamble free Christmas.

[velvet]

Dear Lizbeth

I hope that tomorrow, Christmas Day, will be a stress-free day for you.

I wish you joy at this special time

as Always

Velvet

[lizbeth4]

I hope you have a Merry Christmas! Thank you for all of your support. This morning I found out that a acquaintance passed away. Very sad circumstances. No children or family. It made me feel so grateful for my loved ones. I played and played with my Granddaughter today. We went to the park and visited Great Grandmother. I worked this evening and camed home to play some more. Oh my, the joy. The laughter. So much fun! Opening presents tommorow. Fixing Christmas dinner and taking my Daughter and Granddaughter home. Very busy day! This wouldn’t be possible with gambling! So happy I was gamble free!

[lizbeth4]

Christmas was great! Afterwards I had a few triggers but didn’t give in. It was a long day as I traveled again to the city and back. I am quite perturbed with my youngest Daughter. Which started the stress and anxiety which are big triggers for me! She was on her phone constantly and had to go home today as she might have a date. Mind you she is 34 years old. Not a teenager. Also, I found out that where she and my Granddaughter are staying has no air or heat because the unit died and the people don’t have money to fix it. The place is a complete dump. She thinks its acceptable for her Daughter to live in that condition for 8 months. The summers are EXTREMELY HOT and now it is cold at night. Of course I voiced my opinion and she didn’t like it. I’ve given her $200 this month and bought diapers and wipes. She told me she hates the small town I live in and will never live here again. She isn’t working and has nothing but excuses. She can live anyway she wants but to subject her Daughter to it is beyond me. She wasn’t raised like that! I did spend a lot of time with my Granddaughter and will see her in 2 1/2 weeks as it will be my Grandsons birthday. Thanks for listening to my rant!!!

[lizbeth4]

I bought 2 blanket sleepers for my Granddaughter this morning and mailed them to my Daughter. I realize that somethings are out of my control. I’ve also decided that I’m not going to let this dominant me. I will be setting myself up for failure. I’m going to keep my daily contact with my Daughter and see my Granddaughter as much as possible. I’m going to keep my presence known. No urges or thoughts of gambling!!!

[lizbeth4]

This morning I woke with some anxiety and a little depressed. Not sure where it’s coming from. I’m learning not to become complacent and to heed my feelings. I’m confident that 2019 is going to be a great year! I have my goals in sight. I’m ready to accomplish a lot next year. Gambling won’t be a part of it!

[lizbeth4]

So, today has been better as it goes on! I’ve decided to just focus on the day from now on. Not tomorrow! I’m going to live for the now and find meaning in each day. I was able to do 2 small things for 2 different people. They were appreciative and said it made their day. It was lightly snowing when I went to the library earlier. It’s cold but I love it. Work later this wvening.

[lizbeth4]

It’s cold and has been lightly snowing! Beautiful but chilly! No gambling thoughts! I figured out my budget and even with my property taxes, I will be able to pay all of my bills, buy groceries, gas and have money left over. I’m already seeing financial progress! It’s all in my hands. I want to live my dreams and fulfil my goals. Perseverance, believing in myself, working my recovery will get me where I want to be.

[lizbeth4]

Just finished watching Out of Africa. One of my favorite movies. I’m up rather early. Been thinking. I’m spending New Years Day with Mom. We are planning a nice dinner. My Sister offically retired today. Earlier that she had initially planned but she’s been having health issues. Me, I’m doing alright. It seems like my life is getting better and things are falling into place since I last gambled. My youngest Daughters Father resurfaced into her life. He is going to buy her a used car. Least he could do as he never paid any child support. My late Husband and I meet when she was 4 months old and I was going through a divorce. He raised her as his own and considered her to be his Daughter. I hope she doesn’t expect a lot from him as she will be dussapoibted. Taking down the Christmas tree and putting decorations away in storage today. Time to purge again! Next week, I’m going through closets and drawers. Selling and donating items. Keeping busy. Staying gamble free!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve made a financial blunder which may end in a NSF charge. I forgot that my payday will be delayed 1 day because of the holiday-New Years Day. I’ve been so careful with my finances, paying bills on time, not having any NSF charges. In my haste, I messed up. UGH!!!!!!

[lizbeth4]

So, I’ve worried and concentrated on my blunder. It is what it is and it can be fixed. I’ve read others threads and I’m sorry that people have gambled. This is a hard addiction to deal with. I feel like I’m always thwarting off the gambling urges. All I can say is stay strong everyone. Keep wirking your recovery. Recognize your triggers. Don’t give up when you slip. Keep fighting!

[vera]

I thinks lots of people run into NSF problems over the Christmas /New Year period, Lizbeth.
Not the end of the world. It will level out in a couple of months.
Don’t allow it to throw you off balance.
Only a “First World” problem!

[lizbeth4]

Although it seems like a minute problem, it means a lot to me. I’m working real hard on my finances. Sometimes, my budget is down to a few dollars without any wiggle room. It’s another,lesson learned. It won’t trigger any gambling. I’m learning to recognise my triggers and get through urges. I’m determined that 2019 will be my gamble free year. Lightly snowing here. Hoping to be able to travel to work tonight. If not, tomorrow the banks will get cleaned.

[lizbeth4]

The snow is still falling. I’ve contacted my Boss and I won’t be working tonight. I will have to shovel the driveway tomortow afternoon and do my cleaning. I had a disagreement with my Mother and have decided to spend New Years Eve at home, alone. I should have gone to the store earlier but didn’t. So it’s soup for dinner. My 2019 resolutions are to be GF, keep paying down my debt, save money and the #1 resolution is to be kind to myself! Happy New Years!

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth,

Wishing you peace, joy, harmony at home and success in your recovery in 2019

[lizbeth4]

Happy New Year’s Day everyone! This is a new year and the possibilities are endless. Let’s make this a gamble free year! The snowplows have been through a few times. I’m having my driveway shoveled. Going to town this afternoon to do my cleaning. Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

Going over finances! On July 1st, I will have paid off 3 loans and 1 credit card. That’s $800 a month that can go into savings. I’m getting there!!!! More motivation to stay GF!

[jen3]

Happy New Year!!! You can do it!!!

[lizbeth4]

Happy New Year’s to you! I feel like I can stay GF. I think that I’ve laid a good foundation for myself. I cleaned the banks tonight and had dinner with my Mother. I ended up spending the night at her house. Tomortow will be spent grocery shopping and doing things around the house. Feeling very optimistic about life!

[vera]

Hi, Liz,
It’s great to hear you feel motivated, knowing that you will be able to pay down your loans and start saving in a few months time.
Be careful , though. that when you commence that Savings Account it doesn’t turn into a secret stash.
Plan well in advance.
Perhaps putting two names on the account would be a safeguard. It just means you need 2 signatures when withdrawing money.
Just a reminder. I have been caught clearing out secret accounts so often in the past, I would just hate to see anyone making the same mistake.
When we are in recovery mode, we wouldn’t dream of sabotaging our savings or our plans.
When we want to gamble , we abandon all sane judgement.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, Lizbeth!

[lizbeth4]

Today has started out great! I had a raise in my pension. I’ve paid bills online. I have only 16 months left on my debt consolidation (credit cards). I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m feeling optimistic and motivatef. Doing some grocery shopping. Keeping to my budget. Feeling blessed! I will keep working my recovery and not become complacent. That’s when I usually relapse. 2019 is goinv to be a good year!

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth,

Sometime I need someone in here to help me and you just did. You saw light at the tunnel when you have 16 months left to clear your credit card bills. Guess what…I need 8 months to clear mine and I feel like it is forever. If I am not careful here, I will start to worry.

[lizbeth4]

Kin, You’re almost there! Focus on that! Yes, in 1 1/2 years, a lot of my debt will be paid off: Car, loans, credit cards, ect…. I’m so happy! Today, my Mom and I went grocery shopping and to the local department store. I bought some beads for my jewelry projects.. It felt good to be able to. No gambling thoughts! Tired but have work tonight!

[lizbeth4]

After all the worry, my account wasn’t overdrafed. The item I was worried about is clearing today! I had gambling urges last night after work. That’s the natute of this addiction. Urges come from no where, tempting us! As it was very cold outside, I envisioned myself in my warmest PJs, watching a movie, eating snacks. And that is what I did!!!! I was able to detour the evil, gambling demon.

[kin]

Don’t take the bait from the Liar

[jen3]

Happy for you!! Today will be much better since you let the urges be just that… urges. I feel much more positive today. I guess it’s about learning to remain calm and ride out the waves. We got this.

[lizbeth4]

Today, I vacuumed the vaults at both banks. One is monthly and one is quarterly. The teller at the smaller bank was cranky and pointed out something that I haven’t been doing. It isn’t in the realm of my daily cleaning. They have to put work orders in for it. She can’t understand that I am only in the bank for 1 hour per cleaning. I referred her to my boss. I think there is friction within the employees there as she always refers to her boss negatively. Anyways, she caused a lot of stress and anxiety. I didn’t gamble! I did errands and laundry. I think she needs a attitude adjustment! Ha ha!

[lizbeth4]

While I was at work, I had major gambling urges! I really thought about traveling to the casino. But the roads are icy, its cold, bad road to travel late at night. But the main reason that I didn’t gamble was that I would hate myself tomorrow. All of my bills will be paid this month as I get paid. My large delinquent tax bill was paid. Now I’m working on my current one. I don’t have a lot of extra money but I have everything I need. I can’t gamble and mess things up. My goals are a priority!

[lizbeth4]

Feeling better today. No gambling thoughts or urges! I informed my Boss about the work the bank wants me to do. He said that he would inform them that they need to place a work order through him. He reinforced that I was doing a good job and there wasn’t any complaints. So I’m glad that I bit my tongue and didn’t go off on the bank teller although she was condescending to me. Tomorrow, I’m going to some thrift and consignment shops in town. Don’t plan on buying anything just looking. Just need to get out and about!

[lizbeth4]

So, it’s almost time for new tires. No money, no credit and I refuse to take out a high interest loan. All due to past GAMBLING! I can’t bring myself to take out a second on my house which would help me tremendously. I don’t need another loan to repay and I don’t trust myself to screw up and lose my home! Going to ride out the tires as long as possible! The couple that I am house/dog sitting for the entire month of May, referred me to someone else. I need to contact her soon. Maybe a new gig. I have little money left this month but I have everything I need. Next week I’m cleaning out drawers and closets again. Maybe make some money and the rest I will donate. I have to keep plugging away.

[Monica1]

It’s good to read about your progress. The dog/house sitting seems like a good little sideline. You were triggered by someone talking down to you. Remember, it is their problem, not yours. You did well in biting your tongue. Well done.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
Well done on not gambling.
You are close to putting all these money worries behind you and building a great savings fund- keep your eye on that goal. The road trip is getting ever closer!

[jen3]

So glad that needing tires did not send you off to the devils den. You are doing great.. I wish you lived near by, you could watch our psycho dog while we are away. Than again he might make you never want to pet sit again. Keep fighting the good fight!

[lizbeth4]

All of your pisitive posts are appreciated! Tonight I am in a dark place. It started with more car issues and not getting the right supplies to do my job adequately and ended talking to my youngest and realizing that she’s not even trying to make progress. Everything feels like it’s falling in on me. It’s the accumulation of a lot of feelings hitting me at once. I feel inadequate, hopeless and helpless. I feel like I can’t get a break. I want to gamble but have no money. I’m scared as I get paid in 2 days and all of the money is slotted for bills. In fact, the next 2 months, I have my current property taxes due and house insurance. I have no wiggle room or money for emergencies. I CAN’T gamble!!!
I really tore myself apart today and came to some raw realizations. I can survive on my own. But who wants to be alone? I can’t even pursue a relationship because of this addiction. I don’t trust enough to confine to a potential mate. I don’t have enough control of myself not to fail again. Who’s going to put up with me and this addiction? Sad but true.
I’m in this financial mess because of my poor excuses and addiction. Sometimes I can’t forgive myself. Worry is aging me and taking the life out of me. I’ve prayed to my higher power but she isn’t listening. What did I do that was so bad that I feel like I’m being punished over and over. If this is a life test, I’m ready for it to be over.

[jen3]

Hi Liz! Sorry you are feeling this way. It’s easy for me to say but try to focus on what’s good in your life and not what is bad. The enemy wants you to get caught up in negative thoughts so they send you “running back for cover” in adiction. (And as you know we always come back more beat up than the time before). You are doing well and he certainly does not want that. He wants you to think your higher power is not listening and does not care. He does. He loves you and wants what is best for you. Trust him. Do not give up. A better life is right around the corner. Hang in thier my freind. Things can and will get better. You’re in my prayers.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Jen for you post! Last night, I just climbed inti my comfy bed, pulled the covers over my head. Restless night. I feel drained and defeated! How am I going to fix my car? My job? My Daughter? Sometimes I feel like I’m only surviving. That’s not a way to live. I’m so sad and disillusioned right now. I’m truly scared. If this is how life is, why even try anymore?

[Monica1]

Hi Liz, take things one step at a time. The thing is with this addiction when we stop is that we can get very anxious, lots of anxious thoughts, some based on possibility but many not based on anything but fear. And on Friday I went 8nto overwhelm but it passes. We just deal with one thing at a time and try to self care.
Your daughters life is hers, we can’t control what our children do just be there which is enough. Let go of control over outcomes. You know u r doing a good job liz. You have to forgive yourself, it’s an 8mportant step in recovery. We r all coping with the aftermath of this addiction, and for some of us it will take the rest of our lives. But this doesn’t stop me from finding things to enjoy in life.

[lizbeth4]

Yes, I don’t have contol of many things in my life. It’s just that I feel overwhelmed and hopeless right now. I will get through this. Today I choose to stay in my PJ’S and vegg. Tomorrow will be here soon enough. I will deal with what I can change then. Hopefully in time I will forgive myself. Today I’m just full of overwhelming thoughts. Can’t think straight.

[jen3]

I know the feeling, oh too well. I believe we will be on a roller coaster of emotions until we get some solid gf time behind us.    Everything will work out with time. Do not worry about the future.  Just get through today.  Lean into your higher power. Trust that everything can and will work out. 

[lizbeth4]

I’m scared and wary as I get paid tomorrow from my cleaning job. I can’t use the money for car repairs as it is slated for automatic payments for bills. Gambling has been present in my head. Why does it keep telling me that I can win and have plenty of money? We know that is a lie. I’m battling my demons today!!!!

[jen3]

That’s what this darn addiction does. I can not tell you how many times I have thought “I will just win the money to cover such and such” somedtimes I did, sometimes I did not,, all times ended in disaster because I either ended up chasing a lot or being encouraged to go back and get more. I wish I could help with the stress… Can I ask what part of the world you live in?? Any chance you live in US?? The only reason I ask I might have ideas for you.

[lizbeth4]

Jen, I do live in the U.S. Any ideas would be appreciated. I live in a small rural community. No public transit, no recovery groups, no counseling services. I have to travel to the city, approximately 1 hour 45 minutes one way from my house. Nut we have a casino, which I have banned myself from. We only jave a casino as there is a indian reservation here. That was the beginning of a lot of the addiction issues in the U.S.

[jen3]

Hopefully we can meet up in group and chat more.. Not sure if there is a private way to message someone here?? Do all 4 tires need to be replaced?? When it is time where do u plan to get them from?? Maybe you could finance through tire place?? Many places offer zero interest if paid with in 6-12 months. Or do you have someone to put them on for you if they were ordered on line?? That could save you money.

[lizbeth4]

I have bad,credit so no chance of financing. Also, no one to help me. I has seen that tires are a lot cheeper online. I’m having another car issue and my warranty has expired. I troubleshooted it on you tube. It could be 5 different things. 2 of which are easy fixes. I can do. I’m going to check it out tommorow. I found a retired certified mechanic with over 30 years experience. I will use him if necessary when I have the money. I’m going to see the chat times and if I can get in!

[jen3]

Ok. Hopefully we can connect. In the meantime you should try still try to get approved by Amazon and or Overstock. Amazon has zero percent Intrest for 6 months. Overstock for 12. If you have never had either, it’s pretty easy to get credit with both regardless of your credit. (Otherwise do you know someone who has Amazon account that could help?) As CGs we have always managed to get out of binds. We can certainly figure out a way to get your tires. :). I know there are other things But let’s start here.

[lizbeth4]

I was just on chat. Thanks everyone. I feel more hopeful. Tomorrow is a new day.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
It was nice to chat with you tonight – it was a very busy group but great to connect just the same.
Bad credit creates a vicious cycle – if we didn’t have bad credit we could consolidate quite easily and get ourselves into a good financial situation in no time – then again I guess we might go crazy gambling …

Take care and I hope you get those tyres sorted.

[lizbeth4]

It has been a long time since I was in chat. It helped me connect with everyone and my spirits are better. The tires have to wait till March. My Grandsons 13th birthday is in 2 weeks. Between the tires and work, I may not be able to attend. Bummer. But he knows that Grandma loves him. I’ve never been good with credit cards and finances. Not having credit cards makes it hard sometimes when you need things but I’m better off without them. I just was paid. Checked my account. Vague thoughts of gambling entered my head but I can’t!!!

[jen3]

It was nice chatting. Hopefully we get a chance to do it more. I am glad you feel better. If we keep working on being kind to ourselves and not torchering ourselves with gambling eventually things will fall into place. Life will never be perfect but it will be much better. Have a great week/day

[lizbeth4]

It was nice chatting. I will fo it again! I do feel better. My problems are still there but I realuze that gambling isn’t going to help. I must remain calm and keep trudging along. Things will get better with time.

[lizbeth4]

I deposited my paycheck into my bank account. All of it! I replaced the o ring in my oil cap and I no longer smell oil. I think that was the problem. I am still de-cluttering my closets. I sold 3 items today and someone is coming for 3 items tommorow. Money for gas and miscellaneous groceries. I’ve never received a item I asked my boss for 3 weeks ago. I’m going to the home improvement store tomorrow and getting one. I will email the recipient to him for reimbursement. No gambling thoughts today.

[jen3]

Glad things seem to be moving in the fight direction. Happy your check was deposited into the bank and not a slot machine. Keep going strong. Slowly but surely good things will come.

[lizbeth4]

Woke with a sore throat and headache. It’s because of stress. I’ve paid my delinquent property tax bill and now I’m working on the current one (next month). House insurance is due after that. I may have to buy 2 tires at a time. I can only do what I can do. I knew the first 4 months of this year would be hard. Because of poor planning and gambling slips. I have to keep going. No gambling!

[lizbeth4]

Home from work! Feeling slightly depressed. Realizing how little money I will have the next few months. It’s all about the money in this world. Not having money is a big trigger for me. I rralize that and I’m working through it. I need to focus on all that I do have. The woman who bought some clothing from me today, told me how lovely my home was. I just take thimgs for granted. Focus on the good! Being poor will not last. I will get through it and hopefully plan better next year.

[jen3]

Keep going Liz.. it is so crazy how a lack of money turns us to gambling which in most cases is what caused the lack of money in the first place. You’re doing great! Just think how much better off you will be in Spring than Summer etc without gambling. Time flys! Hang in thier. We can do this. If nothing else we can do it today.

[lizbeth4]

I just need to get through today. Struggling with my demons. Feeling low.

[Nick]

HI Lizbeth i too am struggling right now to get through the days,if you need to message me feel free anytime.

[vera]

Life can be a struggle, Lizbeth.
It will never be a Rose Garden.
Every member here chose gambling as a means of escape.
It didn’t work for any of us.
Just caused further misery.
Just for today DO NOT GAMBLE.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve decided to vegg today as I work tonight. I’ve been reading passages from the bible and my daily devotion.   I’m giving it to God today. Getting through the day!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve gotten through part of the day. Strong urges! I’ve touched base with both of my Daughters and will talk to my Grandson this evening. I can’t get gambling out of my head. A acquaintance text me. She’s a CG but hasn’t accepted that she is. Her Husband has stage 4 cancer and just finished chemo treatments. He is in remission. She goes to the casino everyday for long periods of time. He is not a gambler. She can’t stop and is wasting time spent with him. Horrible,horrible addiction.

[lizbeth4]

So, last night I doubled my sleeping pill. Dumb move. But I had to get some sleep from my worries. I slept all day but have managed to take a shower, eat dinner as I have to work tonight. The nedt few months look bleak as I have other obligations to pay off. I will have to juggle, pay somethings late to get thtough this. It’s overwhelming at times. No one close to me that I can talk to. My Mom and Sister sense something is wrong but won’t say anything. I read on here that others gamble, a lot more money than I do and are able to recover the next payday. I don’t get it. It doesn’t compute. Well, I got my sleep but at a cost. I don’t feel well now. I need to figure things out. 

[lizbeth4]

I’m so mad at myself. When I had money (from Husbands life insurance policy), I blew it! Not on just gambling. I wanted to please others also. I helped family members, took them on trips, bought things for them. I know thats in the past but I can’t talk to any of them about my worries. In fact, the last time my Sister was here, out of the blue she told me that she pays off her credit cards every month and has never been late on a car payment, ect. Well, she doesn’t have any living expenses.  Her rich boyfriend takes care of everything   Which lead me to believe that she and Mom were talking about me. Why would I confide to them? I’m in this by myself.

[jen3]

You are certainly not alone. I can relate on many levels. I have always been very generous to many of my friends and family who never seem to reciprocate. On the other hand thier are a few people who I have taken advantage of over the years that I can never fully repay. Back to being alone. You are not. God is with you now and he will be with you when this storm passes. Lean into him. He will provide everything you need. Keep the faith Liz. Maybe you could open up to your sister?? Maybe she could help you.????

[lizbeth4]

Jen, thanks for your reply. I would never ask my Sister for help as she talks to me in a condescending way! As stated in my above post. I am alone and heading either for another heart attack or a breakdown. That’s the way it is. I have to provide for myself. No one else to rely on. I’m tired. Is this worth the fight???

[lizbeth4]

The only reason that I don’t end it all is because of my Grandson. I saw what my Husband’s death did to him. My Granddaughter is too young to miss me. Both of my Daughters are selfish adults with their hands out. They were not raised like that. Yes, I’m feeling low but I’m facing the raw truth! I am.alone. Where’s God when I need him?

[jen3]

Liz , I get it. I have felt the same way numerous times throughout my life. Not sure if I would be here either if it was not for my son, a blessing from God. You are playing right into the Devils hand. He wants you to doubt God and or believe he does not care, You have a House right?, a job? a car ? Children and Grand kids who you obviously love very much. You tell me….. where is God?? It’s not easy at times but try to be grateful for what you do have vs being angry at what you do not (or angry with your circumstances)

[lizbeth4]

Still not feeling well. I’m going to take a shower as that always makes me feel better. Jen, I hear what you are saying. I am grateful for what I have! Things are more complicated. I’m not angry with my circumstances. I’m tired of the struggle! I’m tired of the one sided relationships. It gets old! And I am alone with my problems. That’s the way it is. Either I will figure things out or throw in the towel.

[lizbeth4]

I can see how my post was construed as me being angry. I’m overwhelmed, super frustrated and just tired! My Sister would be the last person that I would ask for help from. She makes fun of my cleaning job which I’ve mentioned on my thread before. Her telling me about her finances was a way to lecture me. I loaned her $5000, 6 years ago while her and the boyfriend were split up. The tenants in her rental house had trashed the place. She had things fixed, sold the place and paid mw back. I never expected anything but the money back. She’s already told me that she can’t help me. I guess she thought I was going to ask. I was just venting in my post. Obviously, I haven’t given up as I went to work tonight. I’m a fighter!!! I’ll keep trying as long as I live!  But sometimes I wonder were my higher power is!

[vera]

Our Higher Power never moves, Lizbeth.
We are the ones who disappear.
I hear you about family members making comments about money to make you feel inferior. I have a sister who knows I have gambling debt. Whenever I get something new she says “It’s easily known who is loaded”! I just ignore her comments but I have been know to put her in her box in the past.
I also get what you say about members coming on here “devastated “after a big loss. Next post they are living a high life and everything is rosy.
I can only think of two ways that can happen
1. the loss was exaggerated (don’t know why someone would lie about a loss)
2. They have access to hidden funds, possibly in the form of topping up loans.
Either way it’s not our problem.
Some people can deal with problems by denying them, like your unfortunate friend whose husband is ill.
I would advise you to give her a wide berth.
You could easily get sucked into her problems. It happened me often in the past. Picking up other people’s emotions and ending up gambling to escape.
Crazy but true.
Trust your own judgement, Lizbeth. You have great strength.
Far more than you realize.
Gambling drags us down and convinces us that we are worthless.
Don’t believe that lie!
I pray for you every day.
Take care.

[vera]

Our Higher Power never moves, Lizbeth.
We are the ones who disappear.
I hear you about family members making comments about money to make you feel inferior. I have a sister who knows I have gambling debt. Whenever I get something new she says “It’s easily known who is loaded”! I just ignore her comments but I have been know to put her in her box in the past.
I also get what you say about members coming on here “devastated “after a big loss. Next post they are living a high life and everything is rosy.
I can only think of two ways that can happen
1. the loss was exaggerated (don’t know why someone would lie about a loss)
2. They have access to hidden funds, possibly in the form of topping up loans.
Either way it’s not our problem.
Some people can deal with problems by denying them, like your unfortunate friend whose husband is ill.
I would advise you to give her a wide berth.
You could easily get sucked into her problems. It happened me often in the past. Picking up other people’s emotions and ending up gambling to escape.
Crazy but true.
Trust your own judgement, Lizbeth. You have great strength.
Far more than you realize.
Gambling drags us down and convinces us that we are worthless.
Don’t believe that lie!
I pray for you every day.
Take care.

[lizbeth4]

I’m still not feeling well. Some kind of stomach bug! Going to rest for a bit and go to work. Again my boss isn’t answering my texts. So, I’m making the decisions that I deem the best. I do have a supply list/order to put in next week, which he will have to deal with. No gambling thoughts today. Vera, I’ve thought many times of taking out another loan to pay off debts. But stopped myself as I have several high interest loans right now that are taking a big bite of my income. I dont need anymore debt. I have given my acquaintance a wide birth as she seems to suck the life out of me. Yep, my Sister keeps asking me to join her in trips when she knows I don’t have the money. Mean, right? She’s coming for a visit soon and I’m not looking forward to it. My Mom and her will probably spend much of the time in the casino. My goal is to keep clearing debt so I can start saving for the BIG TRIP!

[lizbeth4]

I thought about gambling while at work. Instead I hit the grocery store and bought snacks for movie watching. I’m banned ftom the casino right down the street so it would havw been a drive and we are expecting snow tonight. I will have to plan and make the trip and ban myself. I’ve never been good with money or credit cards. This isn’t my first DMP. I always manage to screw up my credit score and have to start over again. Not this time! I have money but it’s tied up in real estate and I’m not jeopardizing it with loans, ect…. I’d rather work my job and do the house/pet sitting gig. I think I appreciate the value of money more when I have to work hard for it. I’ve also decided that I’m not giving money to either Daughter anymore unless it’s a real emergency as I’m not really helping them.  They are both capable of earning their way.  

[lizbeth4]

I just read a great quote. “Happiness starts with you. Not your relationships, your job, your money, your circumstances. ” Love this and need to remember it!!!!

[sherrie]

I like that.

[lizbeth4]

I think it was found on FB. It really pertains to how I’ve been feeling lately! I tried to throw in the towel. God threw it back and said, “Wipe your face, you’re almost there.”!

[jen3]

Now there’s the Liz I am routing for. :). I have much faith in you!

[lizbeth4]

So, I played with the devil and lost! I don’t know why I gambled. My losses were not great but any loss is not acceptable as my money situation is tight. I would have drained my checking account but my bank denied my withdrawal. Maybe my linit was lowered because of past account overdrawns. Anyways, I was thankful for that. I’m just sick right now. I could just cry. My stomach is churning. Everything that Sherrie said on her post yesterday, I feel. One positive thing is that it’s my Grandsons 13th birthday!

[lizbeth4]

I took a slerping pill. Only one so I can get some sleep. So upset with myself.

[Jezi]

Hi Lizbeth, im sorry you slipped.
I dont know your whole story, but hang in there!
Today is a new day like you said.

Hope youre feeling better.

[jen3]

I am sorry Liz! I am very empathetic for everyone who battles this addiction. I just hate it. If it’s not me playing with the devil , it’s someone else and it sucks! I am glad it was not too damaging but I know it still hurts mentally. I still hope you get that book and read it. It’s not the cure but it did help me a lot. I should take my own damm advice and read it again. Thinking of you today and always.

[sherrie]

I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I’m off to Church to do my prayers and I’ll do one for you too xxx

[lizbeth4]

I don’t know why I gambled. It puts me in a bad position. I will have a lien placed on my propery for my property taxes as I can’t pay them by the dead line. How stupid of me. I’ve done this to myself. I live in a small town where everyone knows everything. Rather embarrassing. From now forwards, I can’t gamble again.

[lizbeth4]

So, I’ve been thinking and figuring the numbers. I will pay my taxes early next month. I won’t have a lot of money left. I will deal with it. What else gets paid, will get paid. I could really use some prayers right now.

[vera]

So sorry to hear you gambled, Lizbeth.
Can you retrace your thoughts and feelings in the lead up to the action?
There must be something else that needs attention.
It’s very hard to stop once we start.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Never give up.

[lizbeth4]

I feel like everything triggers me!!! God did interven though. I was unable to access anymore money so I didn’t drain my account completely. Also, as soon as I got up from playing a slot machine, someone sat down and won the jackpot! A slap in the face. A wake up call! I’m going back and banning myself next week!!! No more of this nonsense. I think I have the flu. I had my shot so my symptoms are not as bad. It’s cold and rainy here which doesn’t help. I’m resting before work. I have no one to take my place. I’m definitely going to pay my taxes and whatever else I can. Everything else will have to wait. I’m juggling money, crunching numbers, you all know the drill. I’m going to try to see if any of the high interest loans will defer a payment. I don’t think so because they want tyo make money. It will work out!

[lizbeth4]

Impossible is a word used by those who gave up too soon!

[lizbeth4]

I’m not posting this for anyone to feel sorry for me! I cried all the way home from work! I don’t feel well. Both banks were filthy. I drove over glass (broken alcohol bottle) by trash dumpter at bank and my addicted mind is telling me to gamble. I kind of just broke down. I’m in my PJS and I’ve taken a sleeping pill. I hope I’m out soon!

[lizbeth4]

I slept well. Might stay in my PJ’S till work time this evening. This flu is kicking my butt. I’m going to rest. My Sister is coming on the 22nd for a few days. She’s been texting me and is actually being nice. I hope she’s nice this visit. I could use some Sister togetherness. I don’t want to gamble!!! I can’t gamble!!!! Putting all thoughts out of my head!!

[lizbeth4]

I forgot to mention that yesterday I received a job offer. Unfortunately it was for a full time position. (Caregiver) i can’t work full time as it will put me in a higher tax bracket and can mess up my benefits I’m already receiving. It felt good though to be offered the job.

[lizbeth4]

How to get out of debt: No gambling. Live below my means. Do not incur anymore debt. Stick to my budget. Keep paying down debt. End result: Debt free. Massive savings. Being able to travel.

[Nick]

Hi lizbeth thank you for the message on my journal, we have both been in a bad place recently, your last post is very upbeat and positive hope your feeling a bit better in yourself.

[lizbeth4]

Today has been quite stressful and I’ve had strong urges to gamble! My youngest Daughter and Granddaughter have moved again, in with another friend. My Daughter has only worked for 1 month the last 8 months. She’s depending on state aid and the church. Lack of transportation has been her reason though she lives in a big city witb mass transportation. I know I can’t control how my adult daughter lives but it’s concerning as my Granddaughter is involved. My Daughter is a recovering drug addict. She has been clean for 3 years and I’m very proud of her. But being addicted for 16 years, she is very naive when it comes to daily living. I’m trying to not freak out and keep the lines of communication open. I truly believe she loves her Daughter and wouldn’t put her in harms way. It’s just a caring Mothers concern. I’m praying for her and myself.

[vera]

It is understandable that you are concerned, Lizbeth. It’s a huge worry.
The best that you can do is stay in daily contact with your daughter and grand daughter.
Does she have any aftercare or contact with Social Services?
It is not easy to undo sixteen years of damage and look after a baby without support.
Prayer and regular contact will keep your mind at ease.

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling much better about my Daughter’s decision to move. Believe it or not, my Sister was the voice of reason. She happened to text me as she is coming for a visit next week. My Daughter was unhappy where she was living and accommodations were tight. In fact, she was getting depressed. I’m hoping that this living situation is more positive. She will be working with the woman she’s livinv with and won’t have to worry about transportation. My Daughter is a very hard wotker. I hope that I haven’t given the wrong impression. Vera, I talked her into going to counseling when she lived with me. She went 2 sessions and said it wasn’t for her. She doesn’t go to support groups either. She cold turkey off of drugs. We talk everyday via texts. She knows the family is here for her. I told her that I want her to be happy and to succeed. She was wise and got rid of her Daughter’s father. He is now in prison. I’m done with work and mentally drained. Going to bed.

[lizbeth4]

It’s another cold and rainy day. Going to the store to pick up some potato salad for the barbeque tomorrow, Grandsons 13th birthday party!!! I talked to my youngest Daughter yesterday and she starts work today and my Granddaughter will be going to the babysitters. I was able to send her a little money for miscellaneous items. She seems happuer and is motivated to work, ect. She’s a strong gal. She’s drug free and cigarette free! Big, big accomplishment. Nothing new here. Just working. I did have lunch with my CG acquaintance yesterday. It was ok. She said that she’s not been gambling as much. She’s tired of losing her money. I’ve had no urges to gambling urges.

[vera]

Your daughter is a strong young woman, Lizbeth.
Enjoy your grandson’s birthday.
Life goes on whether we worry or not!

[lizbeth4]

You’re right! Life goes on! Heading for work! Both of my Daughters are amazing! I did something right!!!

[lizbeth4]

Going to the city this afternoon for the birthday party! I woke this morning with worry! I am a worrier. I said my prayers and gave it to God! Hope everyone has a great gamble free weekend!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,

I hope this post doesn’t come across cheekily or nastily as I am genuinely coming from a good place.
It feel like you and I have been on this site for a very long time and while others seem to be taking control of their lives we continue to gamble now and again – enough to have us living in constant worry. I’m not sure why we don’t kick it to the kerb . We both know by now no good comes of it.

It is almost as if we have become predictable in our relapses. Neither of us has done enough damage to end up homeless or in prison but both of us are depriving ourselves of the great worry free life we could have.

When money worries are constantly taking up space somewhere in our heads, we live a life of worry. Everything that happens – good or bad – becomes a worry about the cost .

I think we would be really helpful to each other if we met in chat. I think perhaps we are both making the same mistakes –

You have so much to offer Lizbeth- I am not surprised you were offered that job – you are a very caring person to all the people in your life. I hope you have a wonderful day at the birthday party. He is a lucky boy to have such a great Gran.

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[lizbeth4]

First, the birthday party was awesome. Fun and drama free! Even my Mother behaved herself and enjoyed it. I-did-it, I totally agree about what you said about our recovery. They both parallel each other! I think the Sunday night, 5pm Mountain Standard Time group is the one that works with my schedule. The one we were both in before. I think we could help each other. I Need to get rid of the worry!!! Self induced. It’s driving me nuts!! Hopefully I will see you there.

[lizbeth4]

The group is 5pm Mountain Standard Time, My time

[Nick]

Hi lizbeth , yes we do seem to forget to praise ourselves when we are doing well so yes I will praise myself, pleased you enjoyed the birthday party . The simple things in life are great.

[lizbeth4]

Yes, the simple things in life are great. I’ve caught my youngest Daughter in a massive lie and deception. I found out from a concerned 3rd party. I’ve called her on it. I’m hurt that she felt like she had to lie to me. I’ve always told her to be truthful. It has damaged our relationship. It will take awhile before I can trust her again. It was a major trigger for me. Thank goodness that I am mentally tired and not capable to drive. I need to ban from the latest casino soon!

[jen3]

Hi Liz! Not sure what happened in chat. I was thrown out and when I got back in you were gone. It was nice chatting. Sorry for the family drama. Remember she is an adult and you have your own struggles to deal with. I know it’s easier said than done but try to put yourself first. Work on you. I know how easy it is to just want to go gamble to relieve some stress. Try and remember that only makes things much worse. Take care. Thinking and praying for you.

[lizbeth4]

I couldn’t get back on chat???? I GAMBLED again last night!!!!!
I feel terrible about It. It’s not the answer, I know that. I don’t deal with stress well. I want to inflict self destructive things upon myself. Gambling is it!! So is isolation. I reached out to my Sister of all people about my Daughter. I know she cares. I explained what was going on and she at a loss of words. She’ll be here for a visit tomorrow. She told me to hang on as there isn’t much I could do about the situation. It was nice talking to you Jen. My Daughter is a adult but she is making bad choices for her Daughter, my Granddaughter. That’s my concern. I know the vicious cycle of lying. I’ve done it with my gambling addiction. The only reasons to lie is to cover up or hide something. I do have a third party who is also looking out for the welfare of my Granddaughter. That’s my only relief. If it wasn’t gambling it would be another vice. My goal today is to be gamble free! I can do it.

[jen3]

I am so sorry Liz!! This addiction absolutely sucks the life out of us. I have been hanging on the ledge myself. The only thing that has stoped me is being sick and than the wether and Now I am busy with work and every bit of me wants to throw my hands up in the air and give in. Just sucks!!

[jen3]

Not to mention I can go on a 5 day trip, leaving on Thursday and every bit of me wants to go. I might as well jump in an alligator filled swamp.

[lizbeth4]

I just text my Daughter that I love her. She text back, I love you. All I can do is to keep sending out the love.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
I’m wondering if your daughter has had a relapse? Whatever she has lied about , we have done the Same ourselves and when we feel awful we just want someone to reassure us it will be ok. Your daughter might need the same reassurance right now. She has come a long way regardless of this latest mistake .

I’m sorry to read you gambled – maybe now would be a good time to do that self -ban?
I just missed you in group last night .

[lizbeth4]

No, my Daughter didn’t have a relapse. Yes, we have all lied but she blatantly and repeatedly lied to me. Of course I forgive her but I don’t trust her anymore. She has come a long way but is putting her sobriety at risk. She isn’t living with a friend nor does she have a job. She is living with a (estranged from my family) family member. This person is evil. I don’t say that lightly. He has manipulated our family for years and used my family.I haven’t seen him in 13 years. Nor do I ever want to see him. His own grown Son has nothing to do with him. He is not a nice person and could never change! He was given years of chances and repeated vile acts against my family. That’s what my Granddaughter is living with. So, when I was in the city for my Grandsons birthday, my daughter said she was working and my Granddaughter would be at the babysitters!!! LIE!!! I literally cried and was physically shaken when I found out who they were living with. So, I gambled after finding out. It’s a better choice than what I wanted to do. I will be banning after my Sister leaves.

[vera]

I can understand why you gambled, Lizbeth. The sudden shock of hearing that your grand daughter may be at risk must have sent you into a spin. It would be my worst nightmare.
Of course you know gambling won’t solve anything, yet it serves the purpose of protecting us from doing something we might regret. I get that!
When your mind clears, perhaps you could involve Social Services if the baby is living with a person who may be unreliable or unsuitable.
Does your daughter know this person’s history? She may not. Of course you don’t want to take anyone’s character but your priority here is your grand daughter .
You need to have an easy mind that she is safe…..talking about easy minds, My son is staying here for a few nights. Although I’m delighted to see him (He came , laden with gifts for my birthday) I feel uneasy . He stays up all night, prowling around the house-very jumpy and edgy. He picks me up on every word I say and is very volatile. He has deceived me and “put many nails in my coffin” over the years so like you with your daughter, I have forgiven him at some level but I just don’t trust him.
God help you, Lizbeth , you deserve a break.

[lizbeth4]

Yes my Daughter knows all about what this person has done. When she had told me that she was talking to him on social media, I warned her to be careful as he is the biggest con man ever! She says people change. Not him!!! I don’t believe, it. I have a thrid party that she trusts. In fact, she will be seeing my Granddaughter a few times a week. She said she wouild contact me if she thought my Granddaughter was in harms way. She’s been to the place where my Daughter is living. She loves my Granddaughter and I trust her. Social services will have the police do a welfare check but won’t intrrvene unless I have proof of neglect. I’m keeping the line of communication open with her and we are doing our daily normal text. I’m trying not to lose my mind. My Husband and I raised my Grandson for the first 5 years of his life. I’m preparing myself for a repeat from my youngest Daughter. I know gambling isn’t the answer. I’m working on that. Vera, I’m sorry you have to deal with that behavior from your Son. I totally understand forgiving someone we love but not totally trusting them.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth ,
This is a horrible situation . Yes this person is indeed incredibly manipulative to convince your daughter to lie to you, to move in with him especially when there is such bad blood.

I feel she is being manipulated rather than deliberately lying – the word “brainwashed” comes to mind .

I hope you are ok, and yes sometimes we do need to find a way to process those strong emotions – I guess we just keep choosing a damaging way.
take care- keep strong and trust in God .
Xx

[lizbeth4]

My Sister is here for 5 days. My Mother, Sister and I had a enjoyable day together. Gamble free! My youngest Daughter text me early this morning with, I love you and sent a picture of my Granddaughter! I’m not upset with her. I just don’t know what she is thinking. The person that I’m talking about is my BROTHER! It’s hard to say. My Daughter thinks just because he told her that he is taking mental medication, he is alright. Very naive. Here are a few examples of his madness: he lock my Sister in a fort and set it on fire, she managed to get out uninjured. He beat the crap out of me, every chance he got. He destroyed things to hurt you. These actions progressed into adulthood. I could tell you hundreds of stories.  He didn’t care who he hurt.  Everytime one of us took him in, he would steal from us and destroy our belongings.  He even stole from my girls when they were children.   He went to great lengths to hurt my family members.  To get back with the family after years of us not talking to him, he told us he had terminal cancer. He didn’t. But he managed to get our attention, time and money. A real evil person. Who does that to their Mother? My family is beyond shocked that my Daughter would move in with him with her baby. She’s witnessed his destruction. She thinks he’s a changed man. He’s conning her. Her Sister and cousins have nothing to do with him. I’m not going to gamble and self destruct over this. Self care.

[vera]

The very fact that your daughter knows all about “the guy” and still decided to move in with him, would lead me to question her judgement. I’m not asking does she love and care for her child. You know she does, but addiction to drugs in the early years leaves many people fixated at an immature level. If I were in your position I would put the police on notice. Your brother sounds like a person who has been given many 2nd chances, all to no avail. The safety of your grandchild is of paramount importance. God forbid, if anything happened you would never forgive yourself. Your daughter is also vulnerable and your own recovery has become unstable as a result of all this. Has your brother a criminal record? Why is he taking this sudden interest in your girls? All very sinister and disconcerting.

[lizbeth4]

Vera, my Daughter is 34 years old but very immature. She functions on a 16 year old level. Yes, I think it is from her years of drug use. The 3rd party is my eyes and is picking up my Granddaughter for the day on Friday. I trust her judgement. My Brother is trying to worm his way back into the family via my Daughter and Granddaughter. It won’t work. My hands are tied as I can only ask for welfare checks. But at least it’s something. My Daughter has no job, no money. She gets food assistance from the state. I’ve concluded the reason she doesn’t want to live with me is that she wants to live a lifestyle I wouldn’t approve of. And yes, my Brothet has a extensive criminal past! All very concerning. But I can’t let this cause me to self destruct. I have to keep my goals in sight and stay strong. My Granddaughter is my main focus. I must be in a good place for her.

[vera]

Thank God you discovered this manipulation, Lizbeth. Forewarned is forearmed. I will pray for the safety of all involved. My son is leaving just now. He is 30 and also acts as if he is 16. He was due to be in work at 4pm. It is now 5pm. It will take him over two hours to get to the city. My husband is driving him to the nearest bus. I had white shirts ironed for him and a new leather belt for his jeans. He looks like any “normal” young man but I know he has deep seated anger in his heart. I feel I can breath now. The casino used to serve as my recovery base after his visits but not tonight! He made a remark last night that actually scared me. I can just pray for his conversion.

God go with all our “children”!

[lizbeth4]

My Sister told me that she talked to my Daughter after she found out who she was living with. Basically told her the same things I had told her. I felt good about that!!! She has support. If she needs help, she knows that we are there for her. It was another good day with my Sister and Mother. Antique browsing, playing board games and having a nice dinner. I’ve had strong gambling urges. I know they are stemming from the lack of money to pay all of my bills next month. I didn’t plan well for my yearly taxes and my relapses have put me further back. The only solution is another part time job for a few months. Putting the feelers out right now. But I’m not going to gamble the money I have. I’ll find a solution.

[lizbeth4]

Went to my Mom’s house this morning. My Mom and Sister had gone to the casino last night. They complained about how they lost their money and couldn’t win. I sat and listened to them. All the time thinking, I didn’t gamble!! Yeah!

[lizbeth4]

I think today was a test! I didn’t gamble but I was tested! I was told all the things I’m not by my Sister. How great her credit score is and how all of her credit cards have no balances. Yes, her boyfriend is rich. He bought her brand new truck for her and she pays none of their living expenses. This was after I said that I was going to get a part time day job. I found one online. I was so excited. She told me I probably didn’t have the qualifications. In fact, I didn’t have enough college. But why burst my bubble. I wanted to scream!!!!! I used to think that I was too sensitive. Now, I know that I have mean, rude and unsupportive family members. That’s the way it is. I was proud of myself. I didn’t gamble!!!!!

[lizbeth4]

I think today was a test! I didn’t gamble but I was tested! I was told all the things I’m not by my Sister. How great her credit score is and how all of her credit cards have no balances. Yes, her boyfriend is rich. He bought her brand new truck for her and she pays none of their living expenses. This was after I said that I was going to get a part time day job. I found one online. I was so excited. She told me I probably didn’t have the qualifications. In fact, I didn’t have enough college. But why burst my bubble. I wanted to scream!!!!! I used to think that I was too sensitive. Now, I know that I have mean, rude and unsupportive family members. That’s the way it is. I was proud of myself. I didn’t gamble!!!!!

[lizbeth4]

I just re read my last post. I now realize that my Sisters behavior is consistent with someone who has low self esteem. I don’t think she is really happy. What normal person would try to degrade and humilate another person? It’s also her problem not mine. I know who I am. I’ve helped everyone financially in my family and willingly. But I would never ask any of them for help. Now it’s time for me to help myself. Sometimes I do feel alone because I don’t have any family support. But I have the love of my kids and Grandkids and a few good friends. That’s all I need. My Daughter sent me several pictures of my Granddaughter today. It made my day! I felt like gambling today but I didn’t. Progress.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve decided to stay home and meet my Mom and Sister for dinner this evening. I’m having sleep issues again. I woke with the worse headache. Plus yesterday totally drained me! Self preservation!

[lizbeth4]

My brain is swirling with new thoughts! I’m reading a Dave Ramsey book. Chapter 1 talks about how your financial goals can’t be fixed if you are not physically, spiritually and mentally healthy. Makes sense. Each chapter has goals you need to meet before you can move forward to the next chapter. This is exciting and I think that reaching the goals will make me think more about not gambling. It kind of ties in together.

[Nick]

Hi Elizabeth what’s the title of the book ?. Nice of you to get the pics of your grand daughter , the best things in life are free. ??

[lizbeth4]

Just finished work! I was glad that I took a break from my Mon and Sister today. That sounds bad! Anyways, dinner was nice. We ran into a friend of mine. She text me later that my Mom and Sister always look mad. LOL! My Sister is going home tomorrow so I will spend the morning with her.
I’m working on my activities tomorrow and journaling. Dave Ramsey suggests that. I’ve somehow managed to save back some money. This will cover groceries and gas next month. I’m usually broke1 week before payday. I have myself on a little bind next month. More money going out then in. So I’m juggling, ect… It will work out.
I’m going to put a few job applications in (online) this weekend. Part time day job. Would like to work it for 6 months.
Keeping busy. Not GAMBLING!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
I identified a few years ago that feeling out down was a trigger for me. Once I identified it , as you have done , I too was able to see that putting others down is a deficit in the offender- not in me. Somehow put downs have lost their power over me.

Even on here I used to get annoyed at put downs – when I would write I am doing well or I have not gambled, there always seemed to be someone who had to put a “but” in.

…but you said that before
…but what can you do to stay this way
…but you know what will happen on pay day
…but you are still a cg ( or some equally offensive label).

Now I just let them keep their buts and their comments .

You have built your own family unit . Despite the problems that all families encounter from time to time, you have built a strong little family. You work together and support each other.
You have got the really important things right !
I can see why others would be jealous and feel they had to burst your bubble .

You don’t have to rise above it – you are already soaring xx

[lizbeth4]

Thank you for your supportive post. My Sister left this morning. She’s coming back soon. My Mom and her almost got into 2 arguments. My Sister talks down to our Mom like my Mom talks down to me. It was real interesting to watch. Things aren’t happy in paradise. My Sister has only been retired for 1 month and she and her boyfriend are arguing a lot. She says he is very demanding. She only talks to 1 of her 2 sons. She has 5 Grandchilden that she has no contact with. I-did-it, maybe she is jealous? UMMMMMM! Anyways, we have planned a hiking trip when she returns to a area that has raw amethysts. I’m excited about that! Anyways, I’m going to work this afternoon. Then I’m watching movies. I did my daily meditation and walk. I need to journal later. Feeling positive.

[lizbeth4]

My Sister has been very generous to my Grandchildren. She bought my Granddaughter a winter wardrobe.

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling down today. Can’t pay all of my bills next month. Can’t stop thinking about all of the money I’ve gambled away. Money that affects my financial stability. What a idiot I’ve been. Now I have to face the consequences. I know I should forget and move forward but I can’t today. I’m really mad at myself.  I will be chat this evening. I need support.

[vera]

I have days like that too, Lizbeth.
Regret can weigh us down and turn us into bitter, resentful people. Recently we visited a relative who has a new house extension. When the cost was mentioned, my immediate thought was ” I could have paid for that three times over”. An ex work colleague bought a house for cash two years ago. We were earning the same salary…..we could scourge ourselves with these thoughts, Lizbeth and the past will still not change. Just let the thoughts come. Sit with them. Many people have done idiotic things with money. We didn’t deprive anyone of their essentials , Liz.
The people we tortured most of all is ourselves.
Better days ahead! We have to believe that or we would fall into despair.
Money is the least of our losses.

[Monica1]

Money is the least of our losses. We lose far more than that. I hate what addiction does to our consciousness and mental health as I have recently discovered. Recovery isn’t a magic wand. Yes a lot Improves when we stop feeding the beast but we have to work it day to day. And our faith is important. It is easy to forget that we are not alone with this, our higher power walks with us.

[vera]

you didn’t come to the chat, Lizbeth.
Just touching base to make sure you’re ok??

[lizbeth4]

Chat was good! Just needed to remember that I’m not alone. Looking back, I’ve never valued my worth. I come from a long line of alcoholics, drug users and gamblers. I always prided myself for not overdrinking and never using drugs. No one really talked about the gambling. I didn’t even know it was a addiction. I first started as I was introduced to it through my Mom and Step Father. I was hooked right away. I had long periods of being gamble free as all of the Indian casinos didn’t exist. I really got hooked when my Husband and I had seperated for awhile. I had 2 children (mine), no child support, and I was struggling financially. A family member suggested we go to a local casino and see if we could win. I was hooked. A great way to escape. It started a vicious cycle. I’ve been gamble free for long periods of time and relapsed. Over and over. My finances are my biggest concern now and trigger. Lack of money to cover bills, bad credit. All of this due to relapses. It has to stop! I can’t take anymore!

[vera]

Great to meet you in the chat, Lizbeth.
As we well know by now, our debts and bills will never be solved by gambling.
Gambling created a huge % of our problems.
I can totally understand that your finances seem like your biggest worry now, but there are far more important things in life, Lizbeth.
When we get a few G free months under our belt our finances will improve, however slightly or slowly it may seem.
Just try to recall that the last time we got money together, we threw it away. And the time before and the time before that.
What you and I need to do is secure our funds.
I think an appointment with a Financial Agency (lots of free advice available) would help you to see things more clearly.
Calculating in your head is soul destroying.
I do it all the time. When you see it on paper and budget for different expenses it clears your mind.
I handed over a credit card to the defaulters after they did an expenditure list with me. It helped in more ways than one. I realised how much I could save on small everyday items.
I know you have been down this road already, Lizbeth but keep seeking advice. The proverbial penny will eventually drop. you will see your income as YOURS and not something to be thrown away.
Keep t simple.

[lizbeth4]

Vera, I get everything you’ve said. My credit cards are under a debt consolidation company. I send a monthly payment. I have a car loan and 3 personal loans that are outrageously high interest rates. I think the lack of money, what is left over is bothering me also. I can’t do extra things but there is nothing that I really need, like clothing, shoes, household items
Patience. I get it! Things will be paid and the balance of debt will lessen. Vera, I’m going to make it! I just can’t gamble anymore! I have to keep working on my RECOVERY!!

[vera]

same here, Lizbeth.
No gambling=a better life (not perfect, just better!)
We CAN do it!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera and Monica for your support today. I really needed it. Whatever happens moneywise, I know that my life is more than that. The main thing is to not gamble. Stress will lessen as the debt falls off. It took years to get in this spot and it will take time to get out of it. My goals and dreams are still in place. Things can be revised. I’m hanging in there.

[lizbeth4]

Can’t turn off my brain. I’m taking a sleeping pill. I have to sleep.

[lizbeth4]

I slept decently. Kind of bummed! Was trying to defer a few loan payments so I could pay my taxes. None would let me unless I default on the loans. I don’t want to do that. My friend called and I’m gping over tomorrow to help walk the dog and familiarize myself with everything. They are going to Vegas for 4 days next month and I’m pet/housesitting. A little extra money. Hoping I feel better mentally today!

[lizbeth4]

Have a headache!!! My house of cards is falling!!! I’m upset, mad at myself. I’ve done all the juggling, phone calls. I can’t stretch the budget any further. Now the chips will fall where they may. Nothing more to do. In the end it will cost me more money and someone will benefit. That’s the results of gambling relapses!!!!!!!

[lizbeth4]

I am really depressed! My mind wasn’t into work. I almost made a mistake but corrected it. The bank would have complained to my boss. No sleeping pill tonight although I feel like I could sleep forever. I must be alert for the doggy tomorrow.

[vera]

Take it easy with the Sleeping Pills, Lizbeth.
They make you groggy and affect your judgement. Also they give you a false lull.
We need to keep our wits about us to stay gamble free (Yes, these words are for myself too).
When we are re assured by other CGs that gambling is “only a slip” or a “blip” or “part of the recovery process”, it gives us the go ahead to “try one more time”.
When I read that, it bugs me because it is not quite true.
Gambling is gambling.
We gamble by choice.
Dwelling on losses often leads us to try to “win back what we lost” sic!
We know by now that it will always end in tears.
We know we will be devastated every time (Even if we manage to escape by breaking even or with a few $$ in our purse)
We know that we will NEVER win.
We will never get the time back.
We risk losing friends and family.
We torture ourselves and blame ourselves for issues that may not be our fault at all.
We sink into a state of despair and risk our health and security…………….
Need I go on???
The script has been written, Lizbeth.
Why would a CG ever want/need to gamble?

[lizbeth4]

I only take a sleeping pill after no sleep for 3 or more days. They knock me off my butt. I don’t have gambling thoughts or urges.  I’m just depressed as a important bill is due and I can’t pay and there are repercussions. I may have to resort to another loan, if I can get one. I don’t want to but I’m backed into a corner. I took my friend’s dog for a walk and familiarized myself with her home. I will be dog/house sitting from Monday till Friday. Extra money. If I can’t get a loan, this bill is going to cost me a lot in late charges and fees. Trying to have a clear head and not let myself go into a deep depression. Gambling isn’t the answer!

[lizbeth4]

My head is much clearer as the sleeping pill is out of my system. I’m still depressed but functioning better. I put in for a loan today. I will know in the morning. I checked my credit score and it ranged from fair to good. A lot better than I thought. The loan person said I had a strong payment record as I’ve never been reported late on my mortgage or car. I do have a few charge offs-credit cards. I explained that my cards were on a debt consolidation company plan. She said that made it look better. I refuse to be charged a high interest rate nor will I put my house up as collateral.
If I get turned down or don’t accept the terms of the loan, plan B. I will pay off the bill , my living expenses, ect… 3 loans will have to be deferred to the following monrh. I prioritized everything and that’s what will be paid.
Positives of the day: I talked to my Granddaughter. The 3rd party had my Granddaughter for the night. She sent me pics and a video. Everything looks good!
Tomorrow evening is when my Grandson and I talk. I get caught up on his school, music and chess classes. I’m always looking forward to it!
I’ve had no gambling thoughts or urges. I’m not getting thoughts of a big win to help me financially. Honestly, right now gambling repulses me. I think about the money and time I’ve wasted. I lost a lot of my self respect also. This time I want to do it the right way, even if I have to struggle.

[lizbeth4]

I pulled a muscle in my upper leg! I noticed it this morning but thought it was the way I’d slept. It has become worse as the day progressed. I don’t think there’s much a DR can do. I’m taking Tylenol and tomorrow I’m going to soak in a hot bath.

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t accept the loan. The interest rate was too high. I just couldn’t see myself getting deeper into debt. On to Plan B! I’m still feeling low but not as depressed. Things will get better. I’m asking my higher power to get me through this difficult time. Faith! I’ve been through worse.

[lizbeth4]

I’m not having gambling thoughts or urges? Even though not having enough money is a trigger! I’m tired of gambling and the lies and regrets associated with it. I want to be free of it all!!!! I want to live my true authentic life!

[lizbeth4]

Tonight I was hit with another shocker! My youngest is getting her CDL license. She starts school soon. It takes 6-8 weeks. She has signed on with the company who will be training her. The first year will be cross country runs. She asked if my Granddaughter can live with me and she would come home when she can. Wrong or right, I said yes. I don’t feel like gambling. I feel like getting my life together.

[lizbeth4]

Today I gave my life over to God! As corny as it may sound, I repented and asked God for forgiveness of my sins. I gave over my worry to him also. It was the most awesome feeling. Like a weight was released and someone was putting their arms around me. I cried like a baby.

[sherrie]

What is CDL? 

[sherrie]

It doesn’t sound corny at all. I believe that God wrapped his loving arms around you and gave you a release. God bless xoxox

[vera]

Tears bring healing, Lizbeth. Repentance brings change.
Your prayer was heard.
Isn’t your daughter a brave lady to undertake that training?
This could be another way God is intervening-placing your grand daughter in your safe care.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
How wonderful to have your grand daughter living with you? Will you still be able to work?
What a joy to feel God’s presence in the way that you did.
Xx

[lizbeth4]

I really feel that something miraculous happened to me today! I am thinking the same as you ladies. Having my Granddaughter with me would be awesome. I would have to quit my job but that’s ok. Now let’s see if my Daughter follows through and gets her commercial driving licence. I can see her driving a semi! She seems to not complete things when it gets tough. I’m praying for her. It’s big money. She could be able to make a good life for herself and my Granddaughter.
About 1 hour after my previous post I got a loan with another company. Good rate and no collateral. I will be able to get out of my bind. Another miracle!
No gambling thoughts or urges!!!!

[lizbeth4]

Home from work. Letting everything that happened today sink in. Taking a deep breath. One day at a time! Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with a friend. A large thrift store is opening tomorrow. I might swing by and check it out. Going to bed. Tired!

[lizbeth4]

I’m having some tea and then jumping into the shower to get ready for my day!!!! I’ve paid bills and I will go to the bank for a cashiers check to finish off paying my property taxes. That’s a relief. I’m not quitting my job nor my May pet/house sitting gig until my Daughter is 3/4 of the way through her training. It’s a 8 week course for her Commercial License. I don’t think she realizes the classroom work she has to do. I’m praying she follows through!
I’ve gone over my finances, 3 loans will be paid of by August and my car in September. YEAH! I can live without the part time job if necessary. Things will work out the way they are supposed to.
No gambling thoughts or urges today! Feeling thankful and grateful!

[Nick]

HI Lizbeth , your upbeat as usual and thats great to know iv’e been off the radar for a while but im still full of hope. I will pray also that your daughter fulfills her training ??

[lizbeth4]

I’m trying to stay patient and see what happens with my Daughter and her plans. If I think about it too much, I get anxious. My money will be real tight without my job. But as soon as some of these loans are paid, things will be better. I’m going to do my taxes asap. I get a good sum back from state. I can use that for new tires and save the rest for things my Granddaughter needs until my Daughter can help. I usually receive my refund in April.
It’s going to be hard having a 2 year old full time. But I can do it. It will work out. There is a park walking distance from my home. Both of my Grandchildren have their own rooms here. My Granddaughter’s is more of a playroom but I can get her a bed.
So, I’m saving every penny I can in anticipation of my Granddaughter living with me. I can’t even think of gambling.

[Monica1]

Your granddaughter coming to live with u would be a big change and I imagine a source of great joy. Incidentally, I was not a completer finisher of things until I got to 28 or 29.i did loads of things and didn’t finish them. But it changed and for many years now I like to see things through. Though for me often illness got in the way of finishing things like my writing course. But we can always go back when we feel the time is right. I sometimes think even if we don’t finish things sometimes it sets the course for something else and better. All learning is good.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica, your posts are always insightful and make me look at things differently. I’m still in my PJS. Going to make some hot tea and start my laundry. And start packing my bag for my house sitting gig. I don’t know what’s going on at the pond but the geese are making a lot of noise! Lol! Going to my Mom’s for a late lunch today. I’m a little emotionally drained. Taking deep breaths. Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

[jen3]

Just caught up on your thread Liz.. Happy for you and praying everything works out with your daughter/granddaughter. Enjoy dog sitting. ??

[lizbeth4]

Today I had strong gambling urges! I didn’t want to gamble. I prayed and prayed. Before work I went shopping and bought new bed pillows. I scrimp on everything but my bedding!!! I treated myself and after work the urges disappeared. I’m at home now in my PJS. Tomorrow is my day off of work. I’m staying home and relaxing as next week will be busy working and pet sitting. We are expecting rain/snow and heavy winds. Nothing like Jen has had but it will be cold!!! Got through today. Relieved!

[lizbeth4]

It’s a cold, foggy, rainy day. A great day to stay in your pjs and vegg. I’m going to pack my bag, ect…for my housesitting gig. No gambling thoughts. Truly feeling blessed and content.

[lizbeth4]

Today my Mom yet again has really disappointed me. I know it’s a control issue on her part. I should be used to it now but it always bothers me. It shakes my trust in her. Always 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards with her. If my Granddaughter comes to live with me, I have to put up boundaries with my Mom. She’ll try to take over and it’s not always for the good. Routine and consistency are the guidelines I used with my kids and Grandson. I will need to find a playgroup for her as she needs to interact with other kids. A lot of things to think about. My Mom is a big trigger for me but today I’m not having any gambling thoughts. My head is clear.

[vera]

I’m glad your head is clear and you don’t want to gamble, Lizbeth. I think your mom will never change….. Good look with your house sitting. Do you have to live in there while they are away?

[lizbeth4]

Vera, You are right about my Mom. It’s all about control! I’m just going to ignore her bad behavior. Yes, I have to live where I’m dog/house sitting for 4 days. I will be doing my cleaning job also. So i will be coming and going. It’s about 10 mins from my house. Hey, they have cable and internet! I’ll be in heaven. So I’m packing my bag and food stuff tomorrow. Going over in the morning.

[lizbeth4]

So I’m settling in where I’m pet/house sitting. They paid me upfront plus a nice tip! It goes into the bank. I have yo vacumn a bank vault today and will have contact with that rude teller who by the way is the customer service rep for the bank. I’m going to be professional. Have to return some movies to the library and deposit my pay. It’s cold and rainy. Not lookimg forwards to going out into it tonight for work. LOL! No gambling thoughts. PS My Daughter started her first day of school!

[lizbeth4]

I dealt with the rude teller today. Surprisingly, she was polite and didn’t have much to say. Yea!!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve made it through the day without gambling! I had a major anxiety attack this afternoon. I’m going to see my Daughter and Granddaughter this weekend. I need to talk to my Daughter face to face. I have no problem taking care of my Granddaughter while my Daughter is on the road but I’m going to have to build my support system: play groups, maybe part time daycare as my Granddaughter needs to be around other children and I will need a break also. My Mom and Sister have made it clear that they don’t support my decision. It’s just a lot to take in! I’m asking God to help me through this.

[lizbeth4]

As I just wrote on Nick’s thread, just focusing on today works for me. If I look too far ahead, my anxiety begins. Also, finding a positive thing to be grateful for zaps out the negative thoughts More rain and some snow in the forecast the next 2 days. Actually, I like rain and some snow!! The pet/house sitting is going well. The dog is older and sleeps a lot. I have cable here so I’m binge watching TV. LOL! This is the 2nd day of school for my Daughter. I’m praying that she succeeds. My lifestyle will change being a full time Grandmother. But I’m prepared to give it my all. My trip, ect…can be put on hold. Life is full of turns and twists but there’s always something new and exciting waiting for us!

[kin]

Yesterday has passed, tomorrow has not arrived, we can only focus on today. You are doing the right thing! I do the same thing.

[Nick]

Hi Lizbeth thanks for your message , we both are doing the same thing one day at a time, it really is the only way to keep focused and enjoy life. I hope your Daughter sticks it out and does well ??

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been taking it easy today. My stomach has been upset. Resting until work. Thank goodness I only have 1 building to clean. No gambling thoughts today. Looking forward to seeing my Daughter and Granddaughter on Saturday!!! I will be glad to be back in my own bed on Friday. There’s no place like home!

[lizbeth4]

Feeling better! The plans fell through with seeing my Daughter and Granddaughter this weekend. Another time. I just want her to concentrate on school. I will go to the city soon. The tinest of things would send me off to the casino but I feel like I’m dealing with things more constructively now . Great news today, my Grandson made the school basketball team! He is also going to Disneyland with his band class. He is very proficient playing the violin. His gifted classes are going well He continues his chess class and is competing once a month.
He’s a well rounded person. My oldest Daughter and her boyfried are doing a good job.
Going to try and go to bed early as last night was a restless night. I’m grateful for getting anothet chance at a gamble free life.

[vera]

Thinking of you, Lizbeth…don’t forget the first 5 years in a child’s life are the most important and YOU were involved with your grandson’s formation, then. He sounds like a great boy. A credit to you too.
Think carefully about looking after your grand daughter full time, Lizbeth. The mother is the primary carer and none of us golden oldies will be growing younger. Child rearing is a huge responsibility. I know you want to help your daughter and I wish her the best in her future plans.
I hope and pray it works out well for YOU!
Don’t gamble, Liz. You have come a long way and you know It would set you back badly.
Always in my thoughts and prayers.

[lizbeth4]

My Grandson is a great kid! I don’t take having my Granddaughter full time lightly. I will need to build a support system. Part time daycare will be in the pictute. It’s good for her to be with other children and will give me a break also. My youngest Daughter has little education, skills. This is her opportunity to make good money and save for a house, ect…for her and her daughter. I feel like I need to help her. I’m not going to gamble. I’m saving any extra money to cover things my Granddaughter will need until my Daughter can start financially supporting her. I have more reasons not to gamble now!!!! It’s all going to work out.

[lizbeth4]

I went to check my home this morning as the temperature last night was 18 degrees. Everything was fine. No frozen pipes. Visited with my Mom. Now back at housesitting job. My friends will be home tomorrow. I must be a real homebody as I am anxious to be home. LOL!
I did some thinking today. I’m not where I want to be financially, physically and spiritually. But I’m a lot further then I was when I was gambling. It’s a process, a lesson and everyday I’m gamble free, the closer I am to a better me. Some days are a struggle but once the day is over, there is a sense of accomplishment. So, if you’re struggling today, remember that tommorow is a new day! Keep going.

[lizbeth4]

Gathering up my things and straightening up. I’ll be glad to be home. Pray for my Daughter today. She is testing for her CDL permit. She has test anxiety! She has gone all week to school despite some problems that arose during the week. I’m so proud of her.
I received a bill that I forgot about (every 3 months). Time to prioritize and pay the bills I can. A few may have to be 1 week late. Some anxiety bit I’m learning to control that also so I don’t get overwhelmed. I’m going to make a better budget spread sheet.
Work is ok. I still don’t get the feedback from my Boss. It can be frustrating at times. I will hold on to the job until my Daughter finishes school or I reach my financial goals.
No plans for today. One thing for sure, gambling isn’t a part of it!

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter passed 1 section of the test but failed 2 other parts by 2 questions. She has 2 more tries. She passed the section she was most worried about. She has this weekend to study. She is getting a lot of positive support on social media from her friends and family!!!! She will do it!
I’m home. Yeah! Working tonight and tomorrow. Doing my taxes tomorrow and getting them in the mail ASAP! State tax refund=new tires!
I learned a great lesson today, first hand. My friends who I pet/housesitted for have a lot of money!!! She is a CG and he is in remission (cancer). They are the most unhappy people I’ve met. Money doesn’t buy HAPPINESS. I have friends who don’t have a lot but their homes are happy homes.
My happiness is my Daughters and Grandchildren. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

[lizbeth4]

Work kicked my butt! I’m tired. I’m managing to stay gamble free. But I need to work on other areas. I’ve gained back the 7 pounds I lost. It’s been cold here so I haven’t been exercising and I’m eating junk. Time to start getting healthy again. I can do it!!!! It’s just a matter of getting into a routine and sticking with it. Tossing out the junk food tommorow. Going to bed.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeht
Thank you for our supportive comment on my thread – I needed it.
I will be praying for your daughter – it sounds like she only just missed passing the test . It is fantastic that she is so motivated to do well.
I feel you are making a wiSe decision about getting. Party tie help with your granddaughter. It is also a joy to read that your son is doing so well. You have raised good children and are such a positive grandmother in your grandchildren’s life.

I am so glad to read of your determination to stay gamblefree- you work so hard Lizbeth – you deserve to reap the rewards of your labour.
Xx

[lizbeth4]

I’m so glad to be home!! I started laundry but I’m still in my PJs. I have a lot planned for the day. Please keep my Daughter in your prayers. She really deserves this opportunity. She’s been drug free for 3 years after 16 years of addiction. Although I don’t agree with her choices, like living with my Brother. She has my respect for all that she has come through.
No gambling thoughts today. Walking to the library instead of driving. Need the exercise.

[kin]

[jen3]

Praying for your daughter.

[lizbeth4]

I’m getting ready to go to my Mother’s house to spend the day. I have to prepare myself as the atmosphere there is so negative. You can feel it in the air!
My Daughter is trying to study when her Daughter is napping or down for the night. I feel a little frustrated as she lives about 100 miles from me and I can’t help her. I just keep praying for her.
My finances are kind of messed up this month as I paid a large property tax bill. I didn’t want a lien on my house. I dod the right thing but can’t pay other bills. 3 bills will be 2 weeks late and will put a strain on next months budget. But somehow I will get through this.
I couldn’t gamble even if I wanted to. No money. But I was smart enough to fill my pantry. I have plenty of food and gas. I’m going to try and budget my money better.

[lizbeth4]

Instead of blowing off the 3 bills I can’t pay on time, I will call them all tomorrow. They will be 2 weeks late. I will still get automated calls and late letters but it will be noted on my accounts that I did call. I will feel better about it.

[lizbeth4]

So I’ve contacted 2 creditors and made arrangements to double payments for next month. Ugh! The other creditor is experiencing high volume calls and the computer said to call back tomorrow. Good grief!! Time to really buckle down.. Pay bills on time and be responsible with my money.
Need to finish my taxes today and see where I stand. I haven’t heard from my Daughter about her test results. I’m just praying for her!!
My gambling addiction has cost me so much. It brought me to the brink of questioning my faith. I will never let it have that power over me again!

[lizbeth4]

My taxes are done! What I’m getting back from State will offset the taxes I owe Federal! The new tax laws and tax tables. My State refund was 1/3 of what it normally is. No big refund from the State anymore. No new tire fund!!! Bummer!!!
My Daughter text me that she was taking her test this morning. I prayed for her! No news. I’m scared that she will lose her confidence and give up! I just keep praying!!!!

[lizbeth4]

MY DAUGHTER PASSED THE TEST! SHE NOW HAS HER CDL PERMIT! SHE CAN CONTINUE HER STUDIES AND TRAINING. I’M SO HAPPY AND PROUD OF HER. THANKS EVERYONE FOR YOUR PRAYERS!

[Monica1]

Well done!

[vera]

That’s great news, Lizbeth.
I stormed heaven for her.
She deserves the best in life. You must be very proud of her.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter still has a long way to go in her training but her confidence is building. I’m so proud of her. Starting tommorow, I’m organizing closets and drawers. Getting rid of items again. I feel the need to purge and minimize.

[jen3]

Way to go Liz’s daughter!!!! Very happy for you/her.

[lizbeth4]

Finished work! Now in my jammies getting ready to watch a movie. My Daughter sent me the cutest pic of my Granddaughter! She’s getting so big.
I was thinking today of all the money I’ve blown gambling. And how I could really use that money now. But it’s gone! Keep kicking myself for being such a fool.
It’s going to be real tight when I leave my job. But I will manage and my Daughter will provide for her Daughter as soon as she can. God will see me through. I had lost my faith. It’s being restored and I’m feeling a change in my life.
I don’t want to gamble! I’ve had no urges.

[lizbeth4]

Feeling unmotivated. Still in pjs. Just dealt with the last creditor who will get a late payment. I was on hold for 1 hour and 18 mins because of high volume calls. What a pain! Going to take a shower and get myself going. Hopefully I can get out of this mood.

[Nick]

Hi lizbeth i’m really pleased for you and your daughter your both doing so well ??

[lizbeth4]

I had a really off day. After talking to the creditor and waiting so long on the phone, I was overwhelmed and had anxiety. Hw gave me the wrong information and when I questioned him, he said he knew what he was talking about. I’ll probably get a default letter next monrh and have to call again, wait for a long time on the phone and be charged $89 to reinstate my agreemenr with them!!!! Ugh!! It threw me into a tailspin and all I could think of was what a financial mess I’m in. 5 loans, car loan, credit card debt consolidation payment, ect…. I’m at the point that if I gamble again, I won’t recover financially. 85% of this debt is from gambling episodes.   I looked at the big picture and started stressing. But I will have 3 loans and my car paid off by the end of the year. I lnow I have to have faith that everything will work out. But I can’t save a emergency fund and if anything happens again with my home, I’m in trouble. I can’t even buy tires. Frustrating. So, any suggestions on how to stay focused and have faith instead of freaking out???????? My Daughter and I talked today. My Granddaughter should be living with me in 4 weeks. My Daughter will then be driving with a mentor driver for 3 weeks before she’s on her own. My Sister is coming for a few days and staying with my Mother. I live right down the street. She text me today to ask if i was hungry for anything special. She likes to cook. So she’s making shrimp alfredo for me. That was nice of her. I’m going to bed. Totally wiped out!

[kin]

Hi Sister Lizbeth,

My situation was the same with many in here, I need to keep to a repayment plan until the end of the year. I was in a mess and have no peace.

I was very afraid because every time I turn to myself for help, the “I” “me” and “myself” has got me into more troubles because of gambling. I have no guarantee and confident that I can remain gamble free on my own free-will for the rest of the year and I was desperate for help in my mind.

However, after my last meeting with my mentor, I decided to try harder and focus on my Higher Power daily instead of my problem. My take away from the meeting was about positive confession.

I never pray much in the past because I don’t know what to pray and how to pray but I want to try harder this time. God must have heard my prayer. I was so happy to find the “Self-deliverance prayer” by the grace of God. I make it a point to do the positive confession and say The Lord’s prayer and The Self-deliverance prayer now. I repeat the self-deliverance prayer a few times especially when I find myself drifting on some days.

The situation did not change overnight, the debt remains, I continue to face problem at work and at home everyday but something has change, the fear in my life has disappear, the peace has return, I can now find that stability and strength that was missing previously. I needed this sense of security and confident that all will be fine to resist any self-justification and self righteousness thought to gamble.

Trusting and turning to a Higher Power has given me the peace; the kind of peace and calm you find in the middle of a storm. I need this to help me overcome living life on life’s term everyday.

Sister Lizbeth, may you find the peace and wisdom from God and we are not God.

Sister Lizbeth, Jen, Monica, Vera, Laura, I did it, you are always in my thought and I will pray for everyone.

One day at a time.

debts shall be cleared, buffer or emergency fund,will be build up this time plus saving by Xmas,

This will be a good year for everyone!  

[kin]

Matthew 14:27 > When the disciples saw Jesus walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear.

Matthew 14:28 > Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”

Matthew 14:29 > “Come,” Jesus said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

Matthew 14:30 > But when Peter saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Matthew 14:31 > Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

“Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end.” Hebrews 12:2 (GNT)

[vera]

Trust in God, Lizbeth .

So far , He has been with you.

You just need to re read your thread to find evidence of this.

Circumstances change. Our feelings change. Our financial situation changes. Our actions change. God doesn’t change. When we feel overwhelmed we forget that.

By the way, I would question that $89 charge for the reinstatement of your Credit Agreement. Look up the Terms and Conditions of your Agreement. That agent needs to have his wings clipped for arrogance. Customers deserve a better service. Was the call recorded?

[lizbeth4]

I needed to hear your wise words before I start my day. I’m starting my day with prayer and meditation. When I feel discouraged, anxious and overwhelmed, I will pray and give it to God. Yes Vera, God has been with me. I think I do sometimes lose sight of this.
Vera, I’m dealing with a government agency so I’ll probably be charged the fee but I will protest. I have the mans ID number and I will file a complaint against him!
I think that God is sending my Granddaughter to me to care for. I need her as much as she needs me. Havea good day everyone.

[Nick]

Hi Lizbeth i’m so pleased everythings going okay for you , i too believe in god and often pray . I have been to my sons tonight (it’s his birthday )and was delighted to see my grand sons , i am blessed today. ??

[lizbeth4]

Nick, it’s so awesome when we spend time with our children and Grandchildren. My oldest Daughter found out tonight when she called that my Granddaughter will be living with me. She was very supportive and said she would help me when she could. She and her boyfriend have permits to hike down the Grand Canyon in April. My Granddaughter and I will be going to the city to stay with my Grandson. Fun!! I’ve finished work. My Sister and Mom are at the casino. I don’t want to hear the complaining tomorrow. Today was more pleasant for me. A few times during the day, I said prayers when I felt overwhelmed. It truly helped. Feeling positive and content.

[lizbeth4]

I woke early and I’m just lying here. I was a little miffed at my Sister yrsterday. She throws around her abundance of money like she is a queen or something. She keeps saying that she came to visit Mom. Is that a cue that I need to leave??? Kinf of mean! She keeps telling me things I need to do concerning my Granddaughter. She has no contact with her 5 Grandchildren. She is really rubbing me thr wrong way with her attitude.
Anyways, I have errands to do today. I will make a quick stop by my Mom’s and then come home. I have things I can be doing in preparation of my Granddaughter staying here. Not playing games with my Sister.
When I felt the anxiety, stress and gambling urges yesterday, I just prayed. I felt relieved.

[lizbeth4]

Kind of dreary outside. I managed to swing by my Mom’s house. My Sister’s attitude has changed. My Mom had a incident at the casino last night and my Sister wanted to take her to the hospital but she refused. I do think my Mom is unwell but she doesn’t want to do anything about it. I guess I’ll find her collapsed in her home sometime. I don’t understand her?
I have a major headache!!! No gambling urges!!!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve had a very turbulent, emotional last few days! It happens every time my Sister is thrown in the mix. It takes me a few days to adjust and be tolerant of her attitude.
She is extremely concerned for my Moms health. We both urged her to call her DR. My Sister is getting first hand experience with what I deal with concerning our Mom. It was a eye opener for her.
The gambling urges came and went. I kept on praying for God to give me strength. I made it through. I don’t want the gambling hang over feeling. I want to have self worth and respect. I want to reach my goal of being debt free.
All these thoughts have kept me from gambling! I keep striving to be a better me.

[lizbeth4]

Cleaned both banks tonight! Clean 1 tomorrow and then I have Sunday and Monday off because of Presidents day. Yeah! I hadn’t planned on going to my Mom’s house today but my Sister called and wanted me to come over for lunch. I had a delicious mixed green salad.
The gambling urges have lessen again. I just keep saying my prayers over and over.
My Daughter started learning to drive a semi today. She says that she will get used to it the more she practices. She’s doing great!
I’m going to start cleaning and reorganizing my kitchen drawers and cabinet tomorrow. Keeps me busy and I love to be organized and clutter free.
Movie time, then bed.

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf4zJoKwpzs

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzoVAdT4BmM

[lizbeth4]

Feeling a bit low today. My Mom and Sister are at the casino again. They couldn’t do something else to include me. Oh well. I guess I expected too much.
My youngest Daughter asked for more money yesterday. I had to say no as I am broke till the 22nd. I did feel bad for saying no but I’ve helped her 2 times already this month.
I think I’m turning off my phone for the rest of the day. Don’t feel like talking to anyone.

[vera]

Don’t feel excluded, Lizbeth. Your mom and sis obviously HAD to go to the casino. They made that choice and most likely they will regret it.
You COULD have gone if you had chosen to, but you made a better choice.
No regrets!

[lizbeth4]

My Sister and Mother are CG’S also. I just wished we could have done something together. My Sister text me saying that they were home now. I declined to go over there as the weather is getting bad and honestly, I’m a little miffed with both of them.
Vera, I’ve banned myself from the casino in town. I can’t gamble there or anywhere. I have to stick to my budget. Soon my Granddaughter will be living with me and I will be financially responsible for her until my Daughter can start supporting her. I have a lot on my plate but gambling can’t be a part of it!!!!

[lizbeth4]

Couldn’t get back on chat. Good to talk Vera. Hope to see your threads Tek and Tina.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth keep fighting my friend, one day at a time staying away from that evil addiction that we both know could kill us if we let it, always nice to read your posts whatever frame of mind you are in, you are here……because you want to be here………and I am glad you are here………take care, stay strong and keeping smiling…….”we can do whatever we want because we are free”

All my very best

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

I have thought about you and have wondered how you were doing. It’s good to see you post. Yes, I need to be here. This is my only support.
I spent a few hours with my Mom and Sister. My Sister had to come pick me up in her truck because of all of the snow. We will have 2 snow free days and then 2 days of massive snow. I may not be able to get to work on those days. Something my boss needs to understand.
My Sister is going home tomorrow. She was relatively calm today and told me she was ready to go home but had to wait till tomorrow when it isn’t snowing. My Mom snapped at her a few times and I could tell that my Sister was irritated.
I’ve had no gambling thoughts or urges. I went back on my thread and it’s only been a little more than 1 month since my last slip. Why does it seem so much longer?
I have a lot to do in the next few weeks in preparation for my Granddaughter. I’m cleaning out drawers, closets, ect….purging and reorganizing! It keeps me busy and out of trouble.
Having my Granddaughter with me is going to be good! I’m looking forward to it!

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling very positive and upbeat today! The sun is trying to break through the clouds. The snow is slightly melting. Hoping some of it melts off of my driveway. I can’t shovel because of my heart condition. My driveway is steep. Going out is no problem. But going up can be impossible. I may have to park in front of the house after work tonight. Oh well. Where there’s a will, there’s a way!!!!!
Tire replacement will happen in April. Yeah! Shopping around for best prices. Not gambling has made me respect my money a lot more. I’m always looking for sales and comparing prices.
I still have a long way to go financially but I’m getting there. Sure and steady! I finally get it. Gambling can’t be a part of my life. I have to work recovery everyday. Whether it be this site, self help books, or my number one, talking to God.
I did lose my faith for awhile. But now I realize that God never left me. I just have to look around and he is there!

[lizbeth4]

Well, work wasn’t that bad! It started snowing a lot but I made it home and up my icy driveway! I had another weather alert on my phone for Thursday and Friday. We are expecting up to 3 feet of snow. Usually we have only a few inches, very mild. I text my boss and told him that I may not be able to get to the banks on those days and would he like me to clean both banks again tomorrow? He’s going to check with the bank tomorrow and get back to me. I’m not risking driving in a mess.
My Daughter drove a semi on the highway today! She said the instructor was impressed on how fast she is learning. I’m so happy!
Staying busy!!! No gambling thoughts!

[lizbeth4]

Took Mom shopping so we could get a few things for the winter storm that’s supposed to hit my state tommorow, particularly the part I live in. Anticipating electric outages, ect…. Made the decision to pack a bag and stay at my Mom’s house. I’m concerned with her recent health scare. My Boss got back with me this morning and I’m cleaning both banks instead of 1 tonight as I’m not traveling tomorrow due to the weather. Nothing else is happening. I haven’t thought of gambling. My payday is in 2 days and I had forgotten until a little while ago. It’s earmarked for bills. I’m feeling content and peaceful. It’s like my soul is at rest.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Isn’t it great that you are not counting the days u til payday- that is progress indeed !
It is good to feel peaceful and well done to your daughter !
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Well, we are snowed in. 39 inches of snow and still lightly snowing. Worried about my house. Prayed! The snow plows are keeping the main streets clear. The residential streets will not be plowed for days. The whole town is shut down except emergency responders. Even the casino!!!!

[jen3]

Good God!!! That’s a lot of flipping snow. I thought we had it bad. I can pretty much guess where you are from. Stay safe. I will pray that everything is fine with the house.

[lizbeth4]

The amount of snow is a lot more than we usually get. I’m in the Southwest. My state has been all over the news. Well, it looks like the snow has stopped. Its trying to melt. Now there’s worry about flooding. The plows were out but could only plow 1 side of the roads. No where to put all of the snow. We were lucky as we never lost power. Over 3000 homes had no power for hours.
I hired someone to shovel my steep, long driveway. He sent me a picture of the front of my house. Everything looks intact. The biggest tree (in my front yard) hadn’t lost any branches. I’m going to try and go home tomorrow but not sure I’m going to be able to.
I text my Boss to tell him that both banks were closed today and that I wouldn’t be able to get to town today and maybe tommorow. He called the banks again and said we’d talk about Saturday tomorrow. Kinda pissed me off! I’m not going to go into town if the roads are unsafe. I’ve gone above the call of duty.
It’s been raining hard in the city and is 20 degrees cooler than normal but my Daughter is learning to drive and park the semi. Very motivated.
I’m ready to go home! No gambling thoughts!

[vera]

I hate snow, Lizbeth.
Thank God you had no power cuts.
Can’t believe they closed the casino. They usually have private generators but perhaps the customers ran out of cash.
Imagine being snowed in at a casino with no cash.
A nightmare!!!

[lizbeth4]

I’m at my Mom’s house still. Main streets are clean but the neighborhoods are still a mess. I shoveled today and the snow is melting. The guy is supposed to be here in the morning to shovel so I can get out!!! Yeah! Ready to be home.
The bank was opened today. My Boss said I can clean that bank tomorrow. Honestly, I’m at the point where I won’t miss this job.
My next door neighbors were out walking and said everything looked good at my house. No tree branches down, ect…
That was good news! I’ve been binge watching crime shows and I did a little reading. My Daughter sent me a video of my Granddaughter. So cute and precious! I think my life will be more fulfilled with her living with me. No gambling thoughts!!! So thankful!

[lizbeth4]

Finally today my car was dug out. My Mom has a short driveway and my car was out in the elements. My hpuse was fine! No catastrophes! Only 1 little tree branch was down. It’s going to be a slushy mess as the snow melts. I had to clean both banks because I couldn’t get to them for a few days. Neither was bad so I did a lot of dusting, ect…. Things I only get to once a week.
My Boss was pissing me off. He kept texting me. I had to come back twice at one bank because the parking lot was being plowed and shoveled. It’s a icy, wet mess on the streets. Traffic was terrible as the city folks were going home after playing in the snow. Sometimes he is very inconsiderate! But I should be through with the job at the end of March.
I sent my youngest Daughter some money this afternoon. I said I wasn’t anymore but after thinking it over, she needs to get through this job training. It will cover gas, diapers, ect….
I thought about going to bingo today, not at the casino. They cancelled today. I haven’t ever played. For me, it’s a better alternative to casino gambling. I don’t know?????
I stopped after work and picked up dinner at a restaurant. I was really dissappointed! It wasn’t very tasty. But it was costly.
My bank account looks dismal. I used most of my recent pay for bills, ect……..I have to keep plugging away.

[lizbeth4]

Just noticed that my outside light post isn’t working. I will have to take a look at it tomorrow.

[lizbeth4]

So, today I had gambling urges! I was able to pray about it and the urges passed. I went to the store for my Mom and to the library. I shoveled some snow that was blocking the road.
Tonight I have both banks to clean. The snow salt and de-icer stuff gets tracked all over and makes a big mess! I’ve decided to try and have a positive outlook on the remainder of my job. It is serving it’s purpose.
Not sleeping well but still can’t figure out the cause. I just hate the sleeping pills so I will defer from using them.
Tomorrow I’m going to start cleaningand reorganizing my kitchen and dining room drawers and cabinets and move through the house. 3 piles: discard, thrift store and garage sale. This is freeing for me.
I hope everyone had a great gamble free day!!

[lizbeth4]

I just finished cleaning my kitchen. Every drawer, cabinet, appliance, wall is cleaned. Going to fimish the dining room also. There is a wall of drawers and cabinets there also.
This is so much better than the alternative. I had strong gambling urges this morning! But I’ve gotten through them.

[lizbeth4]

The bank was real messy! I can expect it for a week as the snow is turning into slush!!!!!! I got through it.
I talked to both Daughters and Grandchildren today!! What a joy!! I’m thankful for them.
Hoping that I sleep well tonight. Good nite.

[lizbeth4]

My house (cleaning) is halfway done. I’ve really purged! Everything is clean and organized. Moving forward tomorrow with the rest of the house. My neighbor across the street is back. Ugh!!! Even though I like helping people, I’m not going to be sucked in again. She has a grown Son who can drive her around town. There is going to be a hugh sale on Friday next door to me. My elderly neighbor isn’t coming home. She is in a care center. Not looking forward to the sale. People here get crazy with garage sales. The guy running it is going to put cones blocking my driveway so I don’t get blocked it. Today I thought about gambling! Big time! But I thought about getting my house together for when my Granddaughter comes to live with me. That outweighed the gambling!  I was able to help out 2 young backpackers this afternoon while I was in town   Since I limit the cash I have on hand, it wasn’t a lot but they were very thankful.   It feels good to help others.  

[lizbeth4]

I realized after cleaning that my living room and hallway carpets need a good professional cleaning. UGH!

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter has 2 more days of school. On Monday she takes her final test and gets her CDL license. Please pray for her! Then she will be gone for 1 month driving with a mentor. She doesn’t know when she will leave yet but it will be soon. I will go to the city to get my Granddaughter then.
I’m going to give my Boss a 2 week notice. I want to work through the end of March. My Mom is going to watch my Granddaughter while I work. It will be challenging! I will bring her to my Mom’s after dinner and bath time. If she falls asleep there we will just spend the night.
I have to remember that this is short term with my job. Then we settle down into a routine. Just a little overwhelmed!

[lizbeth4]

Oh boy!!! I’m pooped. I only have my bedroom and bath to clean. That will wait till tomorrow. I’ve reorganized and cleaned from top to bottom including the windows. Tomorrow will be much of the same including straightening up my file cabinet. I like being productive and seeing the results.
The snow is still melting. My backyard still has a lot. It’s a nice sunny day.
No gambling thoughts today.

[vera]

Sounds as if you’re expecting a baby, Lizbeth
Remember that urge to clean everything before giving birth?
You granddaughter is blessed to have a “granny -in-waiting”.
The perspiration is out though me reading about your hard word. I do all that in my dreams. I hope someday to have my house in perfect order.
Mind you I have been sorting out a huge backlog of papers/books/clothes/shoes etc etc lately. They are all tipped onto beds but I have boxed, filed and arranged a LOT in the under eve attic spaces , which is fairly tough going. I have several bumps on my head from the beams. I burned a lot too.
I pray for your daughter’s safety every day.
Say one for my sons if you think of it, Lizbeth.
Mothers have a lot of stress but God is good.

[lizbeth4]

Vera, that was hilarious! I’m ready to give birth at anytime. LOL!!! My Sister is gathering items and wants to have a garage sale at my house when the weather is warmer. I have quite a few things also. Saying prayers for your Sons Vera! Going to bed. The bank was a muddy mess! Tired!

[lizbeth4]

I’m done with the major purging and reorganizing! I only have the master bathroom to clean. The snow has almost melted and we are expecting rain today. I have some yard work to do. Maybe Sunday or Monday.
I’ve been in a strange mood the last few days. I figured out that my Husband’s death day is coming up, March 12th. It’s been 6 years. I can’t believe it’s been that long. Remembering the memories!
Today I thought of happier things. My youngest Daughter, Granddaughter, youngest Nephew all have birthdays this month. Something to celebrate!
1 bank to clean today. Sending my Daughter some money. She’s so close to her goal. I’m a proud Momma.
Many things to be thankful for.

[lizbeth4]

Wondering today if I can do this, taking care of my Granddaughter full time. Yes I can. But feeling a bit overwhelmed. Over ate today to cope with my feelings. Not good. I’ve put the weight back on that I had lost. I wanted to escape in gambling but didn’t.
Changes-yes, much will change but in the long run, my Granddaughter is well worth it. Regrets-yes, having to give up my job. I’ve been there almost 6 months. I’m good at it and the extra money helps. But it’s just a job and I will survive without it. Plans change-my big trip will be on hold for awhile. But I can still dream.
In the end, just having hugs and kisses from the little one will wipe out any anxious feelings.

[jen3]

Change is always scary. It will all work. God will be with you and he will help you. Just ask. If I was not states away I would love to help. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[lizbeth4]

Feeling a little less stressed today. Yes, everything will work out!!! I have to have faith. Maybe, if I didn’t have so much debt, I would feel more confident. Losing my extra income is going to hurt. But I will get through this.
The pros- my Granddaughter will be in a safe and loving environment. I will pray everyday that I will let the anxious and stressful feeling go away.

[lizbeth4]

Please pray for my Daughter! She had a rough day at school yesterday and is now second guessing herself. Today is her final driving test. I got up early to say good morning to her. She seems more like herself today.
I found a used toddler’s bed for my Granddaughter. The person selling it blew me off. We were supposed to meet in town early this morning. A no show! I could of stayed in my comfy bed. LOL!
Well, hopefully the rest of my day will go smoothly. No gambling thoughts.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter passed her testing today! She has her CDL license. We don’t know when she will go out on the road. I’m so proud of her. I’ve been told by a number of people, all men, that it isn’t easy to get your CDL license. She did it and was the only woman in her class.
I’m getting the toddler bed tomorrow. The people had a sick child today. Glad that they got back to me.
Feeling good and everything seems to be going as planned!

[vera]

That’s WONDERFUL news about your daughter, Lizbeth.
Prayers answered.
Thank God!
Safe driving to you daughter for a great many years ahead.

[jen3]

Liz!! This is Great news. I was/am smiling ear to ear when I read you posts. I am so happy for you and your daughter.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter will find out more today about her 1 month on the road training. They sleep in bunks in the back of the rig. It’s paid training but in the interim, I will give her money so she can eat. So, until she leaves I will continue working and putting back some money. I’ve depended on this job for grocery money and misc. expenses so I could put more towards my debt. I need to sit down and shuffle around my budget again. Where there’s a will, theres a way!
My Daughter will pay for my Granddaughter’s expenses once she can get on her feet. It will all work out.
This is the first thing, job wise that my Daughter has followed through with and completed. I think she found her niche.
I can’t even think about gambling. I need to be responsible. Oh, the toddler bed people were a no show again. URRR! So I’m moving forwards.

[lizbeth4]

Yeah! I finally connected with the people selling the bed. It’s adorable! Today I have no motivation. If circumstances were different, I’d probably be gambling today. But I’m not!
Having bouts of anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed. Working through these feelings. If I can just live in the moment and take each day as they come, I would feel better. I tend to look too far forwards instead. Live for today is my new motto
Going to shower and go to the library and check out a new children’s store in town.
We’re expecting some rain and snow this week going into next week. Not as much as before. So it’s doable! Have a good day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter is leaving on Monday, her birthday, for her 30 day out of state driving with a mentor. I’m going to get pick up my Granddaughter on Sunday. Going to give my boss my notice next week. Last day will be March 30th.

[lizbeth4]

Strong gambling urges today!!!!! Not acting on them but the urges are not subsiding. I went grocery shopping and ran errands. Urges are still strong. If the weather wasn’t so yucky, I would be outside doing yard work!
I had 2 semi emergencies today. One thing I could afford to replace, the other item will have to wait. This is the aftermath of my gambling relapses. I didn’t maintain things and now things are wearing out. I won’t see any relief in my finances till August. Then my car, 3 personal loans and a major credit card will be paid off. Boy, I could sure use that money now!
That’s whats keeping me from gambling. My progress! I’m not going backwards again!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve had major gambling urges today!!! UGH!! I did yard work, laundry, and I’m getting ready to wash my car. It’s stemming from stress and anxiety and not living in the present. I’m picking up my Granddaughter tomorrow morning. It’s going to be a change, for both of us!
I have to let the worry go! Everything is going to be ok. I just need to give it over to God!

[vera]

Try not to think ahead, Lizbeth.
I know how anxiety about future plans can convince the addictive part of the brain that gambling will solve everything.
That’s a lie.
Stay focused.
Everything will be alright.
One day at a time.

[lizbeth4]

Yes, I definitely need to just focus on the now! I kept busy today and just finished work but my brain kept saying, GAMBLE! MAYBE I CAN WIN AND IT WILL SOLVE SOME MONEY ISSUES THAT I’M FACING! WE KNOW GAMBLING WILL NOT SOLVE ANYTHING! I have to quit my job and it was my buffer allowing me to pay down my debt and allowed for some extras.
Today I was filled with a lot of regrets and feelings of inadequacy about my addiction. But I can’t change the past. I’m going to the best regarding my Granddaughter. I don’t like the feeling of being overwhelmed. I need to find ways to cope better with my feelings. One day at a time.

[Jezi]

Hi Lizbeth. Coping with feelings is not a walk in the park sometimes! I dont either like the sense of being overwhelmed. Like you said gambling will not solve any problems, even if we win we shouldnt kid ourselves thinking it will end there.

Recovery is hard, but like someone said – every ending is a new beginning.

Have a lovely day xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi lizbeth ,
Keep visualising being debt free and taking that trip you are planning .
Remind yourself of how gambling has never solved any problem e crept added to them and our self loathing .
You can do this – you have too much to look forward to .
Xx

[lizbeth4]

My Granddaughter is with me. My Daughter goes on the road tomorrow and with a female mentor! My Daughter recieved 100% on her pretrip and driving skills!!! I’m so proud!
I gave my boss my notice. March 30th will be my last day. He told me if I ever want a job that I have one!!! And what a good job I’ve done. It felt good to hear.
Posting for me will be limited as my Granddaughter is a handful. LOL! I wish everyone the best.

[vera]

for your daughter , Lizbeth.
She will be able to support her daughter financially while you continue to surround her with love and security, one day at a time.
Enjoy every minute . Time is precious.

[lizbeth4]

Had a minute as my Granddaughter is napping! So upset,this afternoon. One of my creditors who wasn’t on my credit consolidation program, had outsourced my account to a collection agency. I’ve been paying on it monthly. Thry called and told me that my March payment had bounced. So they sent my account back to the original creditor.
Funny, they never tried to take it out this month. There was ample money in the account. A mistake. But whatever the computer says in front of them they follow. I was basically called a liar. FRUSTRATING!!
OUT of my hands now! I’ll wait to be contacted by the creditor or a new collection agency! Brother!! Moving on!

[lizbeth4]

Thins are going great! My Daughter is on the road. My Granddaughter is adjusting. She is precious. My above problem was solved yesterday as I’ve made more reasonable payoff solution with the original company. It’s rainy and cold here. Once the weather warms up we will be going to the park and walks via the stroller. Gambling: there has been thoughts. I know what my ttiggers are and how to substain. I think as time goes by, it will become easier to get through the urges. One day at a time!

[Nick]

Hi Lizbeth just been reading your last couple of posts , you are doing great while admitting you still get urges you know what your triggers are and you are not acting on them . Your daughter is doing great and you have your grand daughter with you i’m so pleased it’s turning out well for you. One day at a time , yes it’s a cliche but it does work i should know thats how i’m doing it . ??

[lizbeth4]

One day at a time is how I’m living my life. My Granddaughter is precious and full of energy. She is keeping me on my toes! I think things will be easier when I’m not working and it gets warmer here so we can be outside more. We are getting into a routine.
My youngest Daughter is doing well on her travels. So far, she will be going to 3 different states, 2 of which she hasn’t seen. The video chats are helping my Granddaughter.
Lately, I’ve really had some harsh criticism towards gambling and the industry! It’s sad that people get sucked in and lost in this addiction. All in the name of making money at other’s expense.
One day at a time! Staying gamble free!

[Nick]

Harsh Criticism is what it deserves everyone on this site knows that. In england there are 460 thousand problem gamblers that they admit to , in reality its alot more . I’m sick of the false adverts ” When the fun stops , stop” were addicts and they know it , it never is fun it’s an addiction. Your now getting into a routine , you must be so pleased ??

[lizbeth4]

Still living my life, one day at a time! It seems to be working for all aspects of my life!, I’ve had a crazy day! A major problem that was thankfully solved with the help of my future Son in law and some minor problems that I dealt with. I dealt with things and didn’t let my anxiety take over. A big accomplishment for me!
My Mother has been a blessing. She comes to my house to watch my Granddaughter. She has helped a lot!
My Boss is really rubbing me thr wrong way! He wants me to try and find someone to take my place and wants me to train them. I’ve put a ad in our local FB. I have 2 more weeks left and I’ve made it clear to him.
Gambling, no thoughts or urges. I’m dedicated to take care of my Granddaughter the best that I can.

[lizbeth4]

Oh Sunday! My only dsy off of work. 2 mote weeks to go! This last week is the first week in ages that I haven’t thought of gambling! It feels good! I think I really have a shot at staying gamble free!
A lot going on here. Weaning my Granddaughter off of the,bottle and potty training her. My Sister will be here on
Wednesday. We are having a hugh garage sale! I told myself no more garage sales but she talked me into another one. I’ll use my proceeds for some items gor my Granddaughter.
Life isn’t perfect but it’s a lot better without gambling!

[lizbeth4]

No gambling thoughts or urges! I’ve been so busy with my Granddaughter and work! My Boss hasn’t found a replacement for me. He’s getting panicky. I’ve given him a 3 week notice. Plenty of time! He keeps hinting of me staying longer and I’ve reiterated that I will be handing over all the keys on March 30th.
All ads for the yard sale are in place. My Sister arrives tomorrow with a trucj load of stuff. I’m hoping to make enough to purchase a small table and chairs and a toy box for my Granddaughter.
My youngest Daughter has traveled through 4 states so far and loves it. I’m so happy for her.
Today I was full of gratitude! I have a lot to be grateful for. Both of my Daughters are drug free and living life. I have 2 beautiful Grandchildren. I’m in decent health. I have a nice, comfy home, which I appreciate. I have everything I need.
Gambling isn’t in the picture!

[lizbeth4]

My life is not my own anymore! LOL! It revolves around a 2 year old. Very fun times and times where my patience is tested. No bottle for 5 days. She did real well.
The yard sale this weekend wasn’t very productive. People were not buying.
My job will end sometime this week. I advertised on our local FB site and found my replacement. My Boss was very unappreciative. Oh well, I was just a body. I will miss the extra money but it will be better for my Granddaughter to have me home with her.
Gambling-a few urges but I made it through them. I will try to catch up with others threads this week.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve managed to sell a few items left over from the yard sale. Pick up pending today. I get up a little earlier than my Granddaughter for a little me time and to take a shower. LOL!
I’ve put any worries into God’s hands. He has always lead me through hard times. He will be there for me. I pray when I get gambling urges. He lifts the thoughts and helps me think of the consquences. He never gives up on me.
I’m calling my Boss for clarity today. I was supposed to work until March 30th but since I’ve found him a replacement, he is starting her ASAP. She has to clear a background check first. I was supposed to train her but I’m okay if he wants to. His message was vauge.
Living in the present. Doing the best with my Granddaughter who will turn 2 in 3 days. I’m not celebrating her birthday till my Daughter is home. It doesn’t feel right.
I hope everyone has a great gamble free day!!

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. I also read yours every day. Your boss seems to want so much when he asks u to look for your own replacement! And then being unappreciative. Well Liz, walk away as soon as you can. I admire u for looking after your granddaughter. I could definitely not do that and think that’s pretty amazing.

[lizbeth4]

I was feeling sort of like a outcast here! Lol! I guess I’m feeling a bit isolated as my main concern is my Granddaughter. I think my Boss is beside himself as the last 6 months he hasn’t had to worry about the cleaning here! Saturday is my last day. Sunday my Granddaughter and I will be spending 5 days with my Grandson while my oldest Daughter and her Boyfriend are on vacation. They have borrowed a high chair, kids table and chair, a play kitchen and extra baby gates for my Granddaughter. Half the battle when we go somewhere is lugging around all of her stuff.
I’m definitely going to find a high school girl to babysit for me occasionally. I can’t remember the last time I went to the movies.
Sometimes things seem overwhelming but I just take a deep breath and look at the big picture for my Daughter and Granddaughter.
I’m not gambling. While the urges still come and go, I have no desire to act on them. Progress for me!

[lizbeth4]

4 days or less till my job is done! I’m not sure what is going on with my replacement person. You do have to pass a background check and can have no liens or judgements against you. I sent my Boss the name and phone number of another person who was interested in the job. He had nearly 3 weeks to find someone and was too cheap to place a ad in our local newspaper. Go figure.
If I was actively gambling, I wouldn’t have been able to take my Granddaughter and help my Daughter. I’m so thankful that I am gamble free right now. I’m working on myself and hang ups that made me want to gamble. It isn’t easy but I’m worth it!

[lizbeth4]

Today is my sweet Granddaughter’s 2nd birthday! We had cupcakes and a little party. It didn’t feel right without my Daughter here to celebrate.
Saturday I am training my replacement. Yeah! The house next to me sold and my new neighbors seem very nice. Right around my age.
No gambling thoughts or urges today!

[lizbeth4]

2 more work days! I’m training my replacement on Saturday. My Boss hasn’t even met her.???? She tried to via a phone call manipulate the time for Saturday’s training. I made it clear what time I would be cleaning and if that wasn’t conducive to her, she needed to call the Boss as he would have to come here and train her. She relented and will meet me at the bank. My Mom is physically tired from watching her Great Granddaughter while I work. I was proud of myself for not relenting and giving in!
My Daughter is doing well and is sending money on Saturday. I’m saving the money for summer clothing, ect…for my Granddaughter.
No gambling thoughts! Going to the park this morning!

[IRockVX]

Great active journal and posts.  Glad you aren’t having any gambling thoughts or urges today

Keep going ??

[lizbeth4]

Today was my last day at work! The woman replacing me owns a cleaning business. So, the cleaning business I worked for replaced me with a cleaning business! Whatever! Moving on!
I’m packing and getting our stuff ready to leave for the city for 5 days. I will get some time with my Grandson.
My youngest Daughter sent some money today. She has traveled 9 states so far and loves it.
Not working will give me more time with my Granddaughter. She is thriving and doing well.
No gambling thoughts! Feeling much better about life in general.

[kathryn]

Busy busy!!!! How wonderful that your grand daughter has you! Enjoy your time with your grandson, they are true blessings!
I’m still plugging along, I’ve been super busy, trips and family things that have been lots of fun! I’m living the adventure, and, for now, I’m happy!
I’ve missed GT, I’ve missed you!
Take care beautiful lady
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

Life is busy with a 2 year old! Trying to balance everything. I’m thankful that I’m not gambling. My budget is tight but doable. I’m making my monthly payments and hope to see a few of my personal loans (taken out to cover past gambling losses) paid off in the next 3 to 4 months. Lesson learned! My Grandson is a delight. He’s a teen but still very sweet. He loves his Grandmother! I purchased some new clothing and a backpack for him today. He’s always thankful. We are going to his favorite restaurant after baseball practice this evening.  Life is busy but good and fulfilling! I can’t ask for anything more.

[lizbeth4]

Yes it’s true! My Grandson is 13 years old. Time flies by quickly. My Granddaughter just turned 2 years old. She is our miracle as my youngest Daughter was told she would have no children. My time with them is precious! I’ve never given up being gamble free. I keep fighting!

[lizbeth4]

We are home from the city! Time was limited with my Grandson as he had to go to school everyday I was there. I took him to school and picked him up as he usually takes the bus. My Granddaughter was off kilter. I don’t know if it was because of changing environments again but she was very clingy and whiny. She seems more like herself since we’ve been home though.
Now it’s time to get into a schedule and begin potty training. Also, she is starting to throw tantrums. Time outs may be next.
My Mom has volunteered to watch her for a few hours tomorrow so I can do some shopping and maybe get lunch.
This has been challenging but I’m doing It! I don’t have time to think about gambling.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve had trouble accessing my thread. It’s either my phone or internet issues. Everything is going well. I use my Granddaughter’s nap time to do yard work and finish small projects around the house. My youngest Daughter is trying to make it home for Easter. She is still with her mentor and getting her 200 hours of driving in.
I did think about gambling the last few days. Having my Granddaughter with me is helping me in more ways than I ever thought. She is a joy and brings out the kid in me.
Life is good. No complaints.

[vera]

I envy you looking after that little baby, Lizbeth but it is a huge undertaking. One day at a time!
I pray for your daughter’s safety and success every day.
You have my admiration, Liz! Well done!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your kind words. I live my life with many things that I’ve learned during my journey on GT. One day at a time is the biggest one. Also, I live in the now! I live with meaningful intention. I’ve let go of the past and things that are out of my control. Life is strange. I never thought that I would have another Grandchild but I was blessed with my precious Granddaughter! Who would have thought that she would be living with me? Sometimes it is overwhelming but it is totally worth every minute!
I have been able to experience some firsts with her. Yesterday she had her first haircut. She did well and she was so precious. My favorite thing is when she says, I love you Nana. It always makes my heart melt.
We aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow, so I want to live my days doing what I love and enjoy. I don’t miss gambling at all. I have thoughts sometimes but not strong urges. Life continues to be good!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your kind words. I live my life with many things that I’ve learned during my journey on GT. One day at a time is the biggest one. Also, I live in the now! I live with meaningful intention. I’ve let go of the past and things that are out of my control. Life is strange. I never thought that I would have another Grandchild but I was blessed with my precious Granddaughter! Who would have thought that she would be living with me? Sometimes it is overwhelming but it is totally worth every minute!
I have been able to experience some firsts with her. Yesterday she had her first haircut. She did well and she was so precious. My favorite thing is when she says, I love you Nana. It always makes my heart melt.
We aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow, so I want to live my days doing what I love and enjoy. I don’t miss gambling at all. I have thoughts sometimes but not strong urges. Life continues to be good!

[lizbeth4]

Made it to the park before the rain. Did a little grocery shopping. I think both of us have a virus. Runny nose, not feeling 100% No fever though. Monday my Granddaughter has a Dr’s appointment, check up. We will see what’s going on.
Today she is going to my Mom’s for 2 hours while I paint some lattice work on my house. It needs to be weather proofed again.
All monthly bills are paid. Still have partial property tax bill that will be late and some car repairs that have to wait. Still digging out of debt, loans used to cover gambling losses. Going to call the companies next week and get updates on my accounts. 2 should be almost paid off.
My Mother suggested that I lift my ban here at the casino and gamble every so often to get out of the house. She doesn’t get It! Sadly, she is also a CG and introduced me to gambling. I just said no, I have better things to do with my money.
My youngest Daughter should be home on the 18th. In time for Easter. She’s ready to see her baby. Life goes on!

[lizbeth4]

Feeling a bit overwhelmed and low this morning. Don’t know why. Baby is still sleeping. Pulling myself together. Having some tea and light breakfast. I must remember to take of myself also. I think I’m not sleeping enough. Resting while my Granddaughter is napping would help.
Her Dr’s checkup is this afternoon. He is the same DR who delivered her. I’m curious where she is on the height chart. I think she is going to be very tall!
Gambling- I’ve had some crazy nightmares where I was gambling with friends whom I know don’t gamble??? I wonder what that means. Still gamble free and I intend on staying that way.
Going to work on my house project on Wednesday as tomorrow we are expecting rain. My Granddaughter and I cleared the garden area for planting next month. She loves tomatoes so we will be planting plenty of them.
I’m still working on my issues. The big ones being that I don’t have control over other peoples actions and that most of the things I worry about are from over thinking. Living in the present is what matters. I’m getting it and growing.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I think it is possibly a female thing to feel a bit low at times and not know why – I know it happens to me. It could be the tail end of your virus. Give it time though and the feelings will disappear just as quietly as they came.
Your granddaughter sounds gorgeous and it is lovely to read that some of her first experiences have been shared with you.
Looking after yourself is so important Lizbeth, I think you forget how important you are and how much ‘you’ deserve to be happy.
As Ever
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet for your post on my thread. I haven’t been taking good care of myself and it’s starting to show. I’m having tummy problems, not eating right and my sleep is off. For some reason my Granddaughter’s schedule has been off kilter the last week. I’m trying to get her back on track. I’m also putting the effort back into myself and my health. I will get there.
My lattice project has to wait another day as we had rain last night and everything is wet. Also, it’s going to be cloudy all day. Tomorrow is a new day!
Although I love my Granddaughter immensely this is a big life change for me. I think that is where some of my emotions are coming from. Velvet, I’m still not feeling 100%, so I do agree that is affecting my emotions also. Some days I’m running on reserved energy. It makes me wonder if I’m doing right by my Granddaughter. I start second guessing myself.
But things will get better. Still having phone issues. Having trouble accessing this site. Ugh@
I’ve had gambling urges lately. I think it’s connected to my mood. Getting through them!!

[vera]

Lizbeth, I think you need to slow down.
Toddlers are draining in every way. I think that’s why Mother Nature sends us babies in our 20s/30s and not older.
The child is most likely out of kilter due to recent changes in her life. She misses her mom.
I remember you talking about routine and consistency when you spoke about rearing your girls. Sometimes it’s easier to give in, especially when you are tired.
I have no grandchildren but my sister has lots and takes them for long weekends , always ending with her being exhausted so you are no different, Lizbeth.
It’s good that your mam can do “standby duty” occasionally.
It will make her feel important.
I hope your daughter comes soon to give you a long break.
Remember, Liz she is the mother, not you.
Take time to rest when she is home.
I can understand having gambling thoughts in your circumstances. Are you getting to any GA meetings?
Talking about your situation would help.
One day at a time, Lizbeth . Otherwise you could become easily overwhelmed.

[Monica1]

Thank you for your post on my thread. I have had to have a reality check about activities I can no longer do, the long haul trips being one of them. Simply haven’t the strength to do this any more as takes too much toll on my body. We have to learn it seems by trial and error about what we can and can’t do. I admire you greatly for what you have done for your daughter knowing I could not do the same. You will get to a balance I am sure.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, yes I need to find my balance. Vera, my Daughter will only be here for 2 days but I will take advantage of the time. The closest GA meeting is 2 1/2 to 3 hours round trip for me, depending on the traffic. It is not doable right now! I consented to taking care of my Granddaughter for 1 year. I will do it! She and I are still adjusting.
The gambling urges may come and go. I will use my barriers and committed to my recovery to get through.
Thank goodness my Mother is helping. I was able to mark off a small house project today. Yeah!

[lizbeth4]

My Mom helped with my Granddaughter again today! My lattice project is completely finished! I have 4 more projects that I will start working on tomorrow. Doing things and staying busy help me with the gambling urges.
The house next to me sold. The couple are around my age and very nice. YEAH.
I have implemented some new eating habits that are seeming to help my tummy problems. I must remember self care.
I’m very tired. Heading to bed. Good nite.

[lizbeth4]

I lost it with my Mom today! She does nothing but gripe and complain. I finally had enough! Yes, she is helping me with my Granddaughter so I can get my yard work done and small home projects finished. She is never happy. I even did her grocery shopping as well as mine. I did call and apologize later but she still doesn’t get it. That’s why I can only take her in small doses. Who complains about a 2 year old? We all know how unpredictable they are. I guess I will need to limit the time I leave my Granddaughter with her.
I thought about gambling today but neither have the money or a babysitter. Good thing!!!!

[lizbeth4]

Today is a day for renewed hope and blessings! My youngest Daughter just left for the city. Her stay was too short. She has a Dr and Dentist appointment tomorrow. Her mentorship is over. She has to complete a written and driving test and then will be given her own truck and will go solo. This will happen within 3 days.
My Granddaughter had a enjoyable day with Mommy. Easter egg hunting was a hit. She even had a few chocolates. She didn’t cry when Mommy left as I told her that Mommy had to drive the big truck. We have pictures to show her of Mommy being in the truck so I think being able to visuize it helps her.
The next year will be hard as my Daughter will be on the road and only have 3 days off per month. It’s a hard job but she will do it! Then her schooling will be paid off and she can drive with another company if she wants.
I didn’t get any time to myself as my Daughter was exhausted being on the road for nearly 6 weeks. But that’s alright. We spent as much time as we could together. I fixed a nice lunch and my Mother came over.
My gambling urges have lessen. I’m reading self help books and staying busy. I’m living in the present.

[lizbeth4]

My Granddaughter asked for Mommy once today and said she missed her. I showed her pics of Mommy driving the truck and she said ok. Such a sweet girl. My Mom watched her while I cut and shaped some large hedges in my front yard. I always like it when I’ve accomplished a project. Then we went to the park and played. She’s napping now and I’m relaxing a little.
I talked to my CG friend whose Husband is in remission (cancer). They are finally going to do some travelling and have some trips planned. I was hoping they would before he is sick again.
I’m feeling a bit better health wise. I’m eating better, drinking more water and putting my Granddaughter in the stroller and walking more. I know what to do. I just have to make the changes a habit.
No gambling thoughts! Living each day as fully as I can. Solving problems and issues that I can and giving everything else over to God.

[lizbeth4]

So far today, it’s not been a good day. I’ve questioned myself on if I’m really up to taking care of my Granddaughter for a year. The terrible twos are awful. It just really got to me today. We are home now from the library and park. She had many meltdowns. She doesn’t like the stroller but I did get a 3 mile walk in. And I need the exercise. I’m regrouping now! My Daughter failed the written test and has to retake it tomorrow. Her driving and parking test are later today. I don’t know why she failed the written test. She’s come too far to not make it! I feel alone a lot. I’ve always had that issue even when I’ve had someone near me. I guess everyone has their own battles and hang ups to overcome. I’m not gambling! That’s a biggie for me. No urges.

[Monica1]

It is just for a year and you have to question about whether you are up to it. Children, particularly toddlers are very hard work. I always find thinking about what I can and can’t do really difficult in the sense I just try and keep going till I can’t any more. What happens if your daughter fails the written test? What r her options?
And that alone feeling, I get that a lot. Sometimes it is good to be alone and sometimes it really isn’t. We can feel alone even with people like I did on my holiday from hell. I wish I had the answers Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your post! I am up to watching my Granddaughter. It’s just hard work and she is a very headstrong child. Im not getting enough sleep and I really need to drop some pounds.
Hence taking a walk today. My Daughter passed the driving and parking parts of the test. She has to pass the written test. No other options.
I’m not a giver upper and I persist until I succeed, fail or drop. LOL. Really! I have no options either.
About the loneliness, I felt that way when I was married. I don’t mind being alone and like it but there are times when I need to be around people. It’s seems like I’m a bit isolated right now. My Granddaughter’s needs come first. I will survive.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter passed her written test this morning. YEAH! She gets her truck in 2 hours then will get further instructions on when and where she goes. So happy that’s all over! Now the adventure begins.

[vera]

to your daughter, Lizbeth.
She is a great girl!

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter will be leaving on Saturday. Doesn’t know her destination yet. She is currently getting her supplies together.
Last night was another hard one with my Granddaughter. Her sleep pattern is off. So it was a long night. Not gambling enables me to be present and here to deal with everything.
Today I am grateful for my health. It is my number 1 priority. Living with a heart condition and experiencing a heart attack at 51 years old opened my eyes. I take nothing health wise for granted. I take my medications, exercise and get my yearly physical and see my cardiologist once a year.
I’m also grateful as I have awesome Daughters and Grandkids. We’ve been through so much but have all came out of our storms intact and stronger than before.
So, don’t ever give up on yourselves or the people you love. I truly believe that any addiction can be overcome with faith, love and hard work!!! Have a awesome gamble free weekend everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I get up early every morning to have some ME time before my Granddaughter awakes! I meditate and say my morning prayer and daily affirmations. If I’m lucky, I have time to also do a load of laundry or straighten up a little. LOL!
No plans today! Just going to hang out with my Granddaughter and enjoy the beautiful weather.
There’s always something to be grateful for.

[lizbeth4]

My Sister is here finishing a home project for our Mother. My Granddaughter and I spent a few hours visiting today My Mom and Sister went to the casino and surprisingly didn’t stay long. She text me that they lost real fast and she talked Mom out of putting anymore money into the machines. It didn’t trigger any urges.
I’m exhausted! My Granddaughter never stops unless she is sleeping. LOL!
We are starting our vegetable garden next weekend. I have to get the raised beds prepared.
My Daughter is driving solo. She is keeping in touch and seems to be doing well.
Working on some personal issues. I can’t ever gamble again!

[lizbeth4]

“You must find the place within yourself where nothing is impossible. ” Unknown

[lizbeth4]

Washer went out! Repairman coming tomorrow. Maybe it has a little life left in it. LOL! I also haven’t addressed the small leak from my car or have taken it to the shop for a estimate on tires and brakes. No money alloted! Taking deep breaths. This too shall pass.
For a moment this morning, as the washer wouldn’t go into the rinse cycle, I THOUGHT ABOUT GAMBLING!! Those same thoughts which have caused me problems in the past. I pushed the thoughts out of my head. NO, NO, I CAN’T RELIVE IT AGAIN. I’M MOVING FORWARD AND DEALING WITH LIFE!

[Monica1]

And thank you for your post on my thread. I think the no 1 appliance that we cannot do without is the washing machine, when they don’t work it is dreadful, with the prospect of a launderette (ugh) or handwashing. I think that is the one thing in recovery that we learn, sometimes through struggle to deal with, the range of emotions that we can go through in the course of the day, somebeing more difficult to handle than others. For me, frustration and anger, loneliness, or feeling like we are on our own, anxiety all difficult to get to grips with, and not go down the old gambling route we used as an escape. It will get fixed, it will all get sorted but like me maybe, not just yet, or next week or next month!

[lizbeth4]

Especially with a 2 year old, I need a washing machine! Either it will get fixed tomorrow or I will have to purchase a new one. I found some used ones in town but no delivery. I haven’t a truck besides I need it set up and the old one hauled off.
The car can wait. I’m not planning on going out of town and everything is 10 mins from me. Only 5 stop lights in my town. I’ve also found 2 different mechanics who work independently not with a company. They come highly recommended and are probably cheaper than the big guys. OPTIONS!
I’m definitely not going to let stress and anxiety to take me back down the GAMBLING ROAD!

[lizbeth4]

The washer is up and running. Not too expensive of a fix. No other extras this month but that’s ok. I made it through the day without thinking about gambling. My Granddaughter is napping so I have some ME time!
Talked to my Youngest daughter today. She is traveling to her 3rd state in 4 days. She really, really, likes her job. I’m so happy for her!!!
Going grocery shopping tomorrow and to our local nursery to get my stuff for my vegetable garden. I’m really excited about the garden. My Granddaughter can help me with the planting and watering. My strawberries are blooming and my peach tree is loaded with buds. There’s nothing like fresh veggies and fruit. Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

I did my major grocery shopping and filled up the pantry for another month. I have the organic soil and vegetable plants. This weekend will be spent outside planting. My Granddaughter will have fun getting dirty!
My youngest Daughter video chatted with me today. She was upset as her first drop off took too long to be unloaded. This set off a chain reaction resulting in the next 2 loads being late! She wasn’t in trouble but she really was stressed out. Her supervisor suggested that she unwind and relax the rest of the day. She made it through.
I did think about gambling today. But I didn’t act on it. Having my Granddaughter has helped me!!
Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!

[kathryn]

Oh boy, theres always something isn’t there? Families can be so difficult but at the end of the day you need to do what is right for you!
Im glad you have been able to think clearly about everything. Gambling will only cloud your brain, theres no clear thinking when we are in action. It is just impossible.
A part time job may be just what you need, to keep busy, extra money and to meet new people.
Live the life you choose my beautiful friend, don’t let others dictate your feelings.
Love K xxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

I gave up my part time job as I have my Granddaughter full time now. No time for a part time job! My youngest Daughter has only me to vent to. So that is Ok! She had to take her 36 hour break and will be on the road again tommorow.
We have the veggie garden planted. Some of the plants look sad but I hope they take. We were both a dirty mess! But it was fun!
No gambling thoughts or urges today. We are watching a movie together and snuggling.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve spent a enjoyable , laid back day with my Granddaughter! No gambling thoughts or urges today! I may not have everything I want but I have everything I need. My mindset is a lot different these days. I take nothing for granted and I am thankful for everything! Life is more simple and enjoyable.

[lizbeth4]

Spent the morning at the park playground. We had it all to ourselves. I connected with a dear friend via emails. She helped me through my Husband’s illness and death. She’s known my Grandson since he was 2 years old and adores him. It was good to talk to her.
My youngest Daughter video chatted with me for over 1 hour. She is coming home on the 17th for 2 days. She’s missing her Daughter.
I was productive today and sold 2 items that didn’t sell at my last yard sale. I posted them online and they were bought within 2 hours. A little money for miscellaneous stuff.
No gambling thoughts! I like the way my head feels clearer. I’m dealing with life so much better and enjoying it more!!!

[lizbeth4]

Somethings are going on with my house that are causing me concern and stress. I’m not going into detail but it’s triggered major gambling urges. I haven’t the money or opportunity, or I would be GAMBLING right now!!!! I don’t like feeling this way.
I haven’t slept well and I’m experiencing stomach issues due to the stress. This too shall pass.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your post. What do I like about gambling? Ummm, I guess the escape that it provides me. I don’t think about anything else till I’ve lost my money and have to face reality. I get lost while gambling and don’t have to face life!
I’m broke because of gambling. Credit cards, loan repayments. I have to learn a lesson. Gambling isn’t for me!
Things are better today. I had a long video chat with my Youngest Daughter . When she is home, she is going to check out the issue at my house. Then we will go from there. It was good just to be able to talk to someone about it. When it rains it pours. The washer and then this issue. But you are right RG, I have weathered much worse. I will get through this! Thanks for your support!

[lizbeth4]

Yesterday wasn’t a good day. My Granddaughter’s sleep times are off again. We both had little sleep. We both took late naps and so she is sleeping in again!! Urrrr!
I’ve turned off the water to the house. I can’t locate the leak but my water usage has doubled!!! I don’t want to crawl under the house. We can shower and bathe at my Mom’s. I’m going to see if my home warranty will pay for repairs. They have in the past. Always something!
It is what it is! I’m taking deep breaths and calming myself down. Gambling thoughts have entered my head but I’m not acting upon them.
Waiting for my Granddaughter to wake up. Going to the park then to the store for water (large amounts). Ummm, counting my blessings instead of focusing on my problems.

[lizbeth4]

So this morning I started to do something really stupid! I almost took out another high interest loan (because of my poor credit). I stopped myself when the costumer rep told me how much my payment was going to be per month. By the end of this year I will have 3 loans paid off and my car, freeing up a nice sum of money!
It will be sometime next week when the plumbers come out! If all else fails, my Granddaughter and I can go to my Mom’s until we resolve this issue.
I can feel myself sinking back into a depression. I have to not go there.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your support! I’m making progress financially and will see results soon. I’m glad that I didn’t fall back into the high interest loan scam again! Yes, I am being tested but I will get through this!! Things could be worse.
We bathed and showered and did laundry at my Mom’s. I stocked up on water. LOL! My Sister is coming for the weekend and making Mother’s Day lunch for us.
Things will get better!
I’m feeling better emotionally. I had a good cry this morning before my Granddaughter woke up. It felt good to release the tension. I will call my home warranty on Monday and they will contact the plumbing company. Next week it will be fixed.

[lizbeth4]

Happy Mother’s Day to all!! My Sister made a nice dinner last night. She bought me a lavender plant for my backyard. My Granddaughter was cranky and whiney all day. I felt exhausted.
Today, I received Happy Mother’s Day wishes from both of my Daughters. We are just staying home today.
My Mom and Sister are at the casino. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me. I know that I can’t gamble responsibly. It’s not my thing anymore.
Calling the home warranty place tomorrow. I feel like I can deal with it now! Hopefully it’s a easy fix. Staying positive!

[lizbeth4]

Happy Mother’s Day to you also! We spent the afternoon eith my Mom and Sister again as my Sister is going home tomorrow. My Granddaughter was in a better mood today. I’m sure she is missing Mommy as Mommy is really missing her.
I’m not interested at all in gambling. Even though urges appear here and there. The consequences are too big!
I’m anxious to plant my lavender. She also gave me some fresh rosemary, dill and sage which I am drying.
I’m saving for a manicure, pedi and eyebrow wax. Maybe next month. A little self care !
Be careful RG, it’s easy to isolate. I’m notorious for that. Sometimes I have to push myself to go to something and most of the time, I’m glad that I Did! Also, marriage isn’t easy. My late Husband and I were married 31 years (second marriages for both of us) and we had a lot of ups and downs! Hang in there!

[lizbeth4]

Hi everyone! I had a good weekend with my Mom and Sister! The work order was placed this morning and the plumbers will be out on Thursday morning. I’ve had real severe stomach issues and I have a high pain tolerance. I almost went to urgent care last night. The pain has subsided a lot. I think it is stress related.
No gambling thoughts! Especially after hearing how my Mom and Sister lost. Gambling isn’t going to solve any of my problems only make it worse.
I’m staying positive and hoping that the leak is easily found and fixed. I keep my focus on the positives in my life and there are many.

[lizbeth4]

My stomach issues are better! I really believe it’s stress related. Tomorrow morning the plumbers will be here! I’m hoping they can easily find the leak and fix it. I’ve gathered together all the money I have but I’m counting on the home warranty to cover it.
We’ve been living without running water for 1 week now! We took shower, bath, did laundry and refilled our water jugs yesterday. It’s been real challenging with a 2 year old. But hopefully it’s fixed tomorrow.
Honestly, I’ve had gambling thoughts during this time but I haven’t acted upon them. I’m making progress! I’m able to visualize the consequences and the pain associated with it. THE AFTERMATH! I don’t want to feel that again!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your support! I have the $75 service fee and I’m hopeful that the home warranty will cover the rest. I have a additional $300, which is money for groceries, ect…for the month. I can get by if needed! I just want the leak located and fixed. I’ve consistently payed my monthly home warranty and it has paid off in the past. Yes, it’s always something! My washer was the first fix this month. Giving in to gambling would have been disastrous. It is never a easy fix!! RG, it’s been very challenging with a 2 year old. Luckily, we have my Mom’s house to shower, do laundry and fill our water jugs. We could have stayed there but I have everything set up at my house for my Granddaughter. It’s also challenging when the people around you are gambling. But it’s made my resolve stronger.  Now, I need to save a emergency fund!

[lizbeth4]

Plumbing leak is fixed! I only had to pay my service charge. Yeah! I need to have my house replumbed eventually, $3500. I know that things happen to all of us. That’s life! But I will live with the fallout of my destructive gambling addiction for years!! Like many of you. Keeping my head above water, treading to pay off loans and credit cards, most of which are associated with my gambling. Not having money for emergencies! Cringing when something breaks.
If all of these things dont keep me from gambling, I don’t know what will!!! It’s very depressing at times but I lmove forwards everyday that I don’t gamble. The worry and stress sometimes becomes so much. Everyday I dig myself out a little more when I don’t gamble. I’ve aged so much from this addiction. I don’t wish this addiction on anyone. It robs us of a lot. Many things we will never get back.
Today I am counting my blessings!!

[lizbeth4]

I planted my lavender plant that my Sister had bought me! I cut some roses and put them in a vase on my dining room table. Looks beautiful and smells good too! These little things mean so much!
Last week was tough in terms of gambling urges. I wanted to escape from my problems. My Granddaughter saved me from relapsing. I would never leave her with my Mom so I could gamble.
My youngest Daughter is going to be delayed. She won’t be here till late afternoon tommorow and will have 1 day with her baby. It’s hard but we have to look at the big picture, the future for her and her daughter. She loves her job and has to get some experience under her belt so she has more options pertaining to work. It will work out.
I’m just enjoying the weather and the season. I love it when everything is blooming. Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

I have 13 roses bushes, ( every color that you can imagine) numerous flowering plants and shrubs, ect… My yard is quite beautiful. I never was a gardener until I purchased this home, 6 years ago. Almost everything was already planted but I have added a few things. It is rewarding to see beautiful things grow.
My Daughter won’t be here till Sunday now. There are rules on how many hours you can drive before you have to take a break. She’s still learning the rules. Anyways, it doesn’t matter as we will be here when she arrives.
I do know who Dave Ramsey is! I’m currently in a debt consolidation program which uses his theory on the debt snowball effect but backwards. I pay the most of my monthly deposit towards my largest credit card balance. When that is repaid, that money is applied to the next highest balance. I have 6 credit cards on the program and I am paying 1 card independently as they wouldn t accept the program. It’s working as my largest card balance will be repaid the end of this year.
I am not purchasing any new furniture or decore for my home for awhile. No money. Sometimes just freshening up the paint or painting a accent wall, can change the whole look of a room and it’s a cheap fix. I like purchasing used items also and refurbishing them. You get more for your money.
.Have a great time with your son, RG!!

[lizbeth4]

I’m so lucky and blessed! My front and back yards are beautiful! It’s what sold me on the house. I’ve added a veggie garden and peach tree. I have wild strawberries growing in my backyard. I live across from a small lake and I see plenty of wildlife! I ***** my blessings everyday.
RG, I use Pinterest for a lot of ideas. They have a lot of tutorials you can follow! I get a lot of jewelry making ideas there!
There’s nothing wrong with being a nerd. I was a nerd in school. My Grandson is a nerd! I still read a lot. History was my favorite subject and I still love reading about it. I’ve researched the history of the small town I live in. It’s so interesting!
RG, you never lost it! It’s still there. Life happened. We put ourselves last as mothers, wives. Time to bring it out again.
My Daughter is leaving soon. The visits are short but we are doing the best we can. My Granddaughter has been acting put a little while Mommy was here. She’s confused. I keep giving her reassurance and love.
Thanks RG. Back to you. Have a wonderful week. I hope the visit with your Son was awesome.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Thank you for your support on my thread – it’s been ages since I’ve caught up with my friends on here – Been so focused on my own recovery which is going well.

Your garden sounds so beautiful – I didn’t realise that you only took up gardening six years ago . You certainly seem to have learned a lot .

I visited Berlin recently and I developed a huge thirst to learn more about history – this is after finding it boring for years – we grow and change I guess – but I am absolutely so impressed that you learned about the history of your town – I think I would like to something like that too.

I hope all is going well with you and you enjoy your daughters visit xx

[lizbeth4]

I was so happy to hear that your recovery is going well! I put my all in everything I do! I did the same with gambling unfortunately. I’m trying to perfect my jewerly as I would like to sell it at some point. Working on new ideas. When the weather gets warmer, I’m going to try my hand on making rustic benches/outdoor furniture using wood pallets and used hardware. I like to repurpose things.
We are never too old to learn new things!

[lizbeth4]

I was so happy to hear that your recovery is going well! I put my all in everything I do! I did the same with gambling unfortunately. I’m trying to perfect my jewerly as I would like to sell it at some point. Working on new ideas. When the weather gets warmer, I’m going to try my hand on making rustic benches/outdoor furniture using wood pallets and used hardware. I like to repurpose things.
We are never too old to learn new things!

[lizbeth4]

It’s a cold, rainy morning. I love the rain. The sound, smell. It seems to cleanse everything. And it waters my plants! LOL!
It’s nice not to have gambling in your head constantly. My head feels much clearer and I’m living in the present. It feels good!
Yesterday, my Granddaughter and I were in the backyard. She noticed the strawberries. She picked many and ate them before I could pick some. She was so happy! The little things.
I had some good news. The town has decided to re open our only public swimming pool this month. Yeah! They have a kiddie pool too. It’s walking distance frtom my house and nestled in a park. My Grandson and I spent a lot of time there and so will my Granddaughter and I.
My Daughter is on the road again. Her visits are too short. It’s all confusing to my Granddaughter but all in all she seems to be adjusting well.
I’m contemplating starting a diet plan. I’ve cleaned the stroller and I’m ready to start walking again. I’ve put on the 6 lbs I’d lost and my eating habits haven’t been healthy although I try to feed my Granddaughter healthy. No more junk food!
I like having goals and learning new things. It keeps me going!

[lizbeth4]

I get up on the wrong side of the bed quite often! I understand. In fact, I woke this morning to my Granddaughter snapping my eyeglasses in half. Grant you, they are old and scratched. But nevertheless, not a way to wake up. I have a old pair I’m using for reading, small print. This will hasten my trip to get new ones. It seems like when I’m grouchy, I encounter all the crazy, rude people out there. You can change your life now and you are by not gambling. You can garden. Google is my friend also. It takes a little work but it’s worth it!

Sometimes I have to push myself to get through the day.  Dealing with 2 year old tantrums, ect…is draining.  But the memories are worth it   

  

[lizbeth4]

It is another rainy day! I woke feeling a little down today. The weather, my Granddaughter’s turned around sleeping, ect… I started off spilling a large container of tea all over my living room carpet. Ugh!!!!! Deep breaths!
I have to remind myself that somethings are out of my control. I’m a work in progress in many areas of my life. I keep trudging along, making progress. I must remember that!

[lizbeth4]

Today was the first sun in days! We took advantage of it and went to the park. We picked up the mail on the way home and my Sister had sent a plastic horse to my Granddaughter. She was thrilled as she is obsessed with horses. Coincidently, she was wearing her horse tee shirt today!!!
We only had 2 ripe strawberries today and my Granddaughter ate them fast. We have many but they aren’t ripe yet. Wait till the peaches are ready to pick.
RG, I knew that dealing with a 2 year old full time was going to be challenging. It’s been awhile (11 yeats) since my Grandson was that age! I was 11 years younger also. But we do okay. We are going to start swimming next Tuesday! She loves water.
I feel like I’ve made real progress with my gambling addiction. I live in a small 3 stop light town with a huge casino. I’m banned from there but that hasn’t stopped me in the past from driving a hour or more to gamble. Now that it’s not only me, I have a big deterrent from gambling. The urges come and go but don’t stay long. I don’t feel like I’m struggling with them as much.
I’m keeping busy with my house and yard upkeep and doing things with my Granddaughter. Our Farmers market will be opening soon. Time to get the stroller out!!!
I’m starting my diet plan next week. Time for my daily walks again. Always something to work on.

[lizbeth4]

Unfortunately, my state is indated with casinos! Fortunately, my town is known for it’s hiking trails, lakes, wildlife. Many people come from the city, 1 1/2 hours away, to camp. Such is the case this memorial day weekend.
I gambled earlier this year. I think in January. But have been gamble free since.
I’ve contacted all the ranches that offer horse riding. You have to be at least 5 years old. I will have to wait till our ****** fair is here. She can ride the ponies.
Honestly, I’ve never weighed this much before. I have to pushyself to be more active but I feel better afterwards. I love the outdoors. And I’m surrounded by beautiful country.
Have a wonderful weekend too RG!

[lizbeth4]

Having a rough day! I won’t go into detail but I’ve been let down by someone that I really thought I had a good relationship with. A hard lesson learned. I don’t trust easily and I’m afraid this will discourage me in the future from putting my faith in someone. Just feeling BLAH!

[lizbeth4]

I am feeling better today! Everything is a lesson. I overreacted a bit. I know not to expect anything from anyone. You just get dissappointed. I stayed up too late also. My Granddaughter didn’t want to sleep. I did sleep well once my head hit the pillow. This afternoon we need to do some grocery shopping. UGH! Going to take a long, hot shower while she’s still sleeping Self care – next month a haircut, eyebrow wax, at home color and a professional pedicure is on my agenda. Have a good day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I have calculated that by December 1st, I will have 4 high interest loans and car paid off! That is $1400 per month! I will still have 1 loan payment and consolidation program payment left to pay. I may save half for a emergency fund and use half to pay off faster my remaining debt! I never thought I would get to this point financially! Now, I will live within my means. The last few years have been tough. But Ive persevered! GAMBLING CAN’T BE IN THE PICTURE! I’m going to be able to fulfill my dream of traveling in the future! I’m so happy!

[lizbeth4]

Another dreary, cold, overcast rainy day! BLAH! Yesterday, my Sister informed me that she wouldn’t be visiting for awhile. She was tired of feeling hurt and experiencing our Mothers anger. Something happened on Mother’s Day weekend while she was here. I called my Mother later as I hadn’t talked to her,for a few days. She was very short with me and hung up on me.?????? I really don’t have time for all of this. My family is so splintered, fractured. There is no putting the pieces back together.
The rest of the week is supposed to be sunny! Yeah! My Granddaughter and I will be outside, swimming, playing at the park, ect.
Gambling-I get urges sometimes but I’m able to talk myself through them. I don’t want to forget my past with gambling but I want to keep looking towards today and the future without It!
I’ve ordered some European trip catalogues. Just for fun or a goal to reach. It’s good to have dreams. I’m getting closer to fulfilling them.

[lizbeth4]

Ugh! Woke with a sore throat! But my plans are still on for the park and library today. My Daughter wants to take another job she was offered. A lot more money but further from our state. UGH! I told her to check it out thoroughly before accepting. My Mom called me yesterday afternoon and was nicer. I don’t want to fight with her. She is getting so fragile both mentally and physically. I try to stay my distance from the anger and I don’t get into the middle of the disagreement between my Sister and her. Life is too short! I was thinking last night about all the things that gambling has taken from me! The number 1 thing being precious time that could have been used better. I still have quite a few years ahead of me. I intend to make it different and live the life I was supposed to!!! It’s never too late!

[lizbeth4]

Feeling better! We (Granddaughter and I) did some grocery shopping and I treated myself to 2 new movies. Of course they were in the discounted bin. We went to the park. A big tantrum was had when it was time to leave. LOL!
I ordered the Carr book that others here have recommended. I’m not gambling but my Granddaughter has been my deterrent. I don’t want to become complacent. I still need to work my recovery.

[lizbeth4]

I bought the Goonies movie and Life (sci fi). I’m a little down today. My Sister sent multiple texts informing me of my faults. I don’tknow why,? My family is so dysfunctional! I became real angry but kept it together and didn’t reply. I don’t communicate with her much. I try to stay neutral and not get involved with any family drama. I am so tired of it!! This is a big trigger for me but my Granddaughter is saving me from gambling.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve seen the Shack and read the book! It was good! I don’t have cable or internet. Itss not in my budget. My Sister is coming tomorrow to get her left over items from my storage room. Yeah! I can reorganize.
I was upset all day. My Sister seems to point out others short comings but never realizes her own. She likes to start things before she comes to visit. I don’t get it.
I came to the decision today that my Mom can’t watch my Granddaughter anymore. She’s not physically able.
My Daughter and I will have to talk as she needs to be here at least 2 days when she visits. I haven’t had a day to myself in 2 1/2 months. I need some me time.
I’ve tried to find a occasional babysitter but have had no luck.
I’m tired and cranky.

[lizbeth4]

My Sister sent me a text early this morning that she wasn’t coming today. Another time! Thanks for the sleepless night and upset stomach!
We would have probably fought so it’s for the best.
I guess it’s time, for my own well being, to distance myself once more from her!
Tired of this!

[lizbeth4]

I really needed support today and there was your post!! Thanks so much! This won’t be the last squabble. I just hate when someone points out your short comings but doesnt acknowledge their own. Frustrating!
Boundaries- I’m getting better with it. I won’t contact her. I will respond to her texts when it is positive.
RG, exactly. I’m responsible for myself and will put my energies into my small family. I just hate conflict especially unneeded conflict.
No mani/pedi for awhile. I made the decision that my Mom will not be watching my Granddaughter anymore. She isn’t physically capable. My Daughter agrees. We talked this morning via video chat, she is going to spend 2 of her home days here so I can have a little break. She’ll be back in 3 weeks.
So my self care right now is waking early, having tea and a hot shower. Watching a movie or reading while my Granddaughter is sleeping. It will due.
.

[lizbeth4]

My day got a little brighter. A music CD and 2 bracelet kits were in the mail that I had ordered.

[lizbeth4]

The CD is Thomas Rhetts new one. (Country-pop) Love it! The 2 bracelets are Christmas gifts. I can’t wait to get started on them. I spent way, way less than what I would have gambling and I have something to show for my money.
I filled up my Granddaughter’s new pool. She had so much fun playing in it. Tomorrow, we are going to practice on her new trike I bought her last Christmas.

[lizbeth4]

Another short night for me! I still can’t seem to get her sleep times turned around. Another late night but regardless I’m a early riser. I watered my rose bushes and veggie garden. Tomorrow, I’m going to fertilize and cull the peach tree. As my Granddaughter loves ice cream, I cored and froze a lot of strawberries. Next week I’m buying a popsicle mold and making strawberry, yogurt bars. Much mote healthy. I was so upset by my Sister recently. I confronted her, something that I rarely do. I told her that she really hurt me and that I wasn’t going to tolerate it again. She apologized and said she was sorry. I don’t know if this will stop her but I felt better voicing my feelings. Today I’m feeling a little down. Probably from lack of sleep. I’m still working on my list of to do things around my home. Maybe by the end of the summer I will have it finished! LOL! I also need to lose 25 pounds. I’ve stopped buying junk food and my Granddaughter and I are taking evening stroller walks. It will take perseverance but I will get there! I’ve learned that nothing is impossible if you’re willing to do the work!

[lizbeth4]

OMG! Today! While I was doing dishes my Granddaughter stuck her thumb into a open vent in my dishwasher. She was standing right next to me at the time. I tried everything to get it out. I was going to cut the hard plastic tabs but was afraid as she was freaking out. I had to call 911 and they did exactly what I was going to do to free her! Thank goodness her thumb is okay.
I’ve noticed that she is getting more inquisitive so I’m installing more childproof locks, ect…. ..
So, it’s been a exhasting day!!!
I get 3 hours to myself tomorrow as my friend is watching my Granddaughter so I can have some ME time. I’m getting a pedi and going to some of my favorite thrift stores.
Ummm, tomorrow is another day!

[vera]

Toddlers are hard to watch. Eyes in the back of the head required.
I believe in Guardian Angels.
She is a godsend to you, Lizbeth but a huge responsibility.
Love overcomes all
You are a great granny!

[lizbeth4]

I felt so bad! One minute she was standing by me and the next screaming, my thumb! It was that fast! She has been exhausted today from a lot of crying and she didn’t like the firemen envading her space.
I believe in Guardian Angels also. I had my life saved once from a horrible near fatal accident with a semi!! I will always believe that my Husband and Grandmother saved me. I’ve also witnessed people who should have been seriously injured or died survive with minor injuries. Obviously, someone was watching over them.
She is a Godsend to me! I’ve moved things out of reach today and put some child proof locks on some drawers. It makes me feel better!
My Daughter told me to chill out! LOL!!!
I haven’t had any gambling thoughts or urges lately. I’m so busy and working towards goals. 1 loan was paid off today and 2 others in July. My car will be paid off in September and 2 other loans in December. 2 out of 5 credit cards will be paid off in August. I’m so happy! All of that money will be going into my savings account for a emergency fund and to fund my next goal of traveling!!!!!
This journey has been hard!! But I won’t go back to where I started. I can’t gamble!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks RG for your post! My Granddaughter’s thumb is back to normal, no swelling.
I was able to get out of the house-solo for a few hours. I found the popsicle forms I needed for the Strawberry/banana yogurt bars I’m making. I searched some of the thrift stores and found a total of 10 movies and 3 music cds. It was senior day so I got a extra 25% off. Oh, I purchased a cute summery blouse for myself. A teal color. I went by my Mom’s and took her truck to fill both tanks.
Limited sleep again! Have a slight headache. I’m going to continue on my quest to get my Granddaughter’s sleep times changed.
I like the path that I’m curving out for myself. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will be debt free!
There’s no way that I’m letting gambling ruin That!

[lizbeth4]

Today’s been very interesting! My friend came for a visit and backed into my outside lamp post, knocking it down. Her Husband has fixed it. They are going to replace the light globe as it was cracked. Throughout all of this I didn’t freak as I would in the past. I find myself much calmer these days.
I’ve come to some realizations lately about my life. I’ve wanted to control people and situations to fit into what I thought they should be. I only have control of my own reactions and actions. I’ve also learned not to expect anything from anyone. To do things with a loving heart. To be a kind person. That if I want something to change in my life then it’s up to me to make that happen. And the biggest revelation is to face my fears head-on. I’m the only one holding me back!
Life is what we make it! Through the happy times, sad times, trials.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks RG for your support also. I value the people here. The advise has been so helpful to me.
My new next door neighbors had a recent loss in their family. His Sister just passed. They’ve asked me to take in some packages they are expecting and to water their rose bushes as they will be out of state for a week. Of course I said Yes! No problem!
I really like them although I usually don’t get too friendly with neighbors because of bad past experiences.
My Granddaughter was very energetic today and has just feel asleep. I’m hoping she will sleep through the night.
The woman who cuts my hair has a salon and twice a week does home calls. She’s coming tomorrow to cut my hair. Yeah!
Next week a pedicure. Self care-the best medicine.

[lizbeth4]

My hair appointment was moved to tomorrow. Can’t wait to get my bangs cut! My Granddaughter and I spent a great portion of the day outside. She played in her little swimming pool.
I’m eating more nutritiously and have lost 3 pounds, 22 more to go!
I’ve started the Carr book. Very interesting and makes sense. I need to be working my recovery. My Granddaughter is a deterrent but I feel like I’m getting complacent.
I’m exhausted tonight. Going to bed.

[lizbeth4]

Woke early. Another hard night getting my Granddaughter to settle down. I’m not sure what’s going on. I’ve tried everything. I’ve decided to “sage” my house (a old Indian practice) To remove any bad energy.
Oh, I had a message from my ex boss early this morning. Eould I be interested in cleaning the banks next week? Ummm, my answer was no. No babysitter.
Getting my haircut, doing some grocery shopping and some outside time with my Granddaughter. Looks like it’s going to be a good day.

[lizbeth4]

My sleep is still suffering. I did manage a quick nap while my Granddaughter was taking a late nap. I’ve been getting up at 6am every morning. My day was full of laundry and cleaning and inside play. Tomorrow will be spent outside. We are playing with play doh and she is loving it. We only have strawberries now. The peaches and veggies will be ready at the end of this month. She loves picking strawberries! I like the book. I’m sure I will be rereading it. I like his perspective on gambling. It makes sense. I have to read in small spurts with a toddler around. Yes, we have snakes. I’ve seen a few in my yard and I’ve just left them alone. I’ve seen raccoons, rabbits, squirrels, bobcat, deer, elk, skunks and javalina, ducks, geese. We have had bear and mountain lions spotted in town. We have some of the prettiest birds. In fact, at one of our parks that have 2 lakes, we have a pair of eagles that visit every year. They are banded, and come quite a distance to travel here. It’s quite different from my city living most of my life. I like my haircut and the convenience of someone coming to my house. Next week I’m getting a pedicure. Self care! I am quit happy with the 9 movies and 3 music cds I purchased recently at the thrift stores. Isn’t funny how I try to save money but for years threw it away gambling? I revised my cell phone service and cut the price in half. Next month, I’m getting internet!!! It’s been over 1 year since I cut it. Gambling has taught me a lot about myself. I’ve learned many hard lessons. But I’m glad that I’ve recognized it’s evil hold and I’m doing something pisitive about it.

[lizbeth4]

Sitting here with having 4 hours of sleep! Once I’m up I’m up! Everything is good here but my Granddaughter’s sleep times. The Dr’s advice is to not let her nap. Yep! I’ve done that. I thpught about giving her low dose of melatonin but her Dr. isn’t keen on it. Not enough research on long lasting affects. So I won’t go that route!
Really getting into the Carr book. RG, I can see where it has to be reread several times.
I saged my house yesterday. I’m hoping to get rid of bad energy and forces. Many of my family members are psychic. I can’t really get into details. I think my Granddaughter is also. She has said a few things that make me believe so. I’m wondering if that is messing with her sleep?
I was thinking of my major gambling days, right after I had retired. I would stay in the casino for 12 hours plus! I didn’t eat. I would take out my daily cash limit from the ATM and then go to the cashier for cash advances. The thought of wasting all of that money is sickening!! Whatever I won was put back into the machines the next day. I never had a BIG WIN. I only contributed to the casino. It was a lonely time!!! I never want to relive that again!!! It almost did me in, both physically and mentally. Some lessons are hard and painful.

[lizbeth4]

Yes, I do need to remind myself of the consequences of gambling. I feel it keeps it real and myself grounded.
Am I still having urges? Yep! Every so often. The same triggers, stress and shortage of money. I’m working on both. I’m riding out the urges more easily though than in the past.
My life is like most of yours: not where I want it and dealing with life problems but that is life! But it’s a lot more enjoyable and manageable without the gambling.
I had a big disappointment yesterday and I was really angry with my friend. She drove over my lamp post. Her Husband fixed it (shotty) but it should have been replaced. The globe she ordered was too small. She didn’t measure it right. So she gave me money to order a new one. I had to custom order it and it cost more than what she gave me. I sent her a email with a copy of the invoice. Her reply was, I hope it works for you! Wow!!!! So, today I am through being upset at her but I’m a bit hurt. If I was in her place, I would have made sure the post was restored to its original state. Oh well!
Sleep issues again last night but we did go to sleep a few hours earlier. I’m going to wake her soon. Then maybe she will nap at a decent hour.

[lizbeth4]

A lot of smoke again from 2 wildfires. Not close enough to worry about but keeping informed in case that changes. It’s another indoors day!!! Urg!!!!

[lizbeth4]

Unfortunately, wildfires are a norm here during the summer! Lightening strikes and human caused, campfires. It’s been super windy so it’s blowing the smoke towards our town.
I’ve gassed up the car and have our bags packed, ready to go. All of my valuable papers are in a binder. I also have a case of water in my car. Right now, the fires aren’t close enough to panic. I am prepared.

[lizbeth4]

The 2 fires are far enough away that I’m not worried but very cautious. The wind is picking up again so that’s a major factor as to how much smoke we will get today. Right now it isn t bad. I knew that moving from the city to a rural forest area that wildfires would be a issue. It’s the same thing every summer.
I haven’t been able to read the Carr book the last 2 days. A lot of it makes sense and I know it will be very useful. Keep reading RG!!! I know we can do this!!! Be gamble free!!
I’m still dieting. I haven’t lost anymore weight but I’m continuing on. Once this smoke clears, I’m getting the stroller out and walking.
I didn’t sleep well. 2 hours here and 2 hours there. The little one still has her days and nights mixed up. Hopefully the sleep regression will end at some point. Hanging in there!!
My Daughter will be here in a week for 1 1/2 days. I’m letting her take over so I can have a little rest.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks. It’s almost 6 months of being gamble free. The longest I’ve gone in awhile. You’re doing great! Keep going!
When my family would get together to watch football, I was the same as you. Loud, rooting for my team! My Husband, Daughters and their significant others would get a big kick out of it. Those were good times. We’d make a day of it and we always had plenty of delicious food!!
I’ve decided to stop fighting my Granddaughter’s sleep times. It’s a stage/phase she is going through. I’m going to try and sleep when she does. Maybe that will work.

[lizbeth4]

Well, I kept my Granddaughter up late and she slept through the night and is still sleeping. I was able to get some sleep. I woke and pruned off dead roses from 2 rose bushes and finished a load of laundry. It’s nice to have a little time to myself.
I’ve realized that I’m a very quirky, private and solo person. I have my family and a few close friends. I don’t let many people in. I’m okay with this. But sometimes I think I’m weird. I guess everyone is weird in a way.
I’m looking at some travel catalogues I’ve ordered. Dreaming! It will happen. It has just been delayed. Maybe not the way I had originally planned. Even a trip every 6 months would be awesome.
Windy here again. I’m hoping for a smoke free day so we can enjoy the outdoors. Going to the farmers market tomorrow morning. My Mom is coming over to babysit. Looking forward to it!
Not gambling has made my mind free and my thinking clearer.

[lizbeth4]

My Mom watches my Granddaughter so I could go to the farmers market this morning. I purchased some fresh fruits and veggies, lemon goat milk soap, vegetarian tamales and homemade lemon pepper dry spaghetti. Hmmmm!
My Mom started to cop a attitude with me and keep saying that she was on her own. I think she feels left out because I give my attention to my Granddaughter. I only have so much time in a day and I include her a lot. I’m doing all that I can and the best I can. She’s entitled to her feelings.
My Daughter video chatted with us today. She will be here on Friday for 2 days. She told me to book a mani and pedi as she was treating me. I’m so excited.
Well, I’m enjoying my weekend. No gambling thoughts or urges today!

[lizbeth4]

We have a awesome senior center here! I encouraged my Mother to go there when my Step dad died 12 years ago. She won’t have anything to do with it! Go figure.
My Mom is a very complexes person. She is either angry or bitter 90% of the time. This is not due to her age. She’s always been this way. It was a difficult childhood for my siblings and myself. You weren’t allowed to have your own opinion about anything. Hence, we all moved out as soon as we graduated high school. I’m pretty sure she is bipolar. She has never seeked out counseling as that is a sign of weekness to her. If my Granddaughter wasn’t here, I still wouldn t see her daily.
It’s sad but I feel obligated to make sure that she is alright. I run errands for her, ect…. but I spend limited time with her as the anger, bitterness she emits is too much!!!!
On a more positive note, I think the Elk were here last night feeding on my roses. Burgers!!
It looks like or will be a beautiful Sunday.

[lizbeth4]

We have a awesome senior center here! I encouraged my Mother to go there when my Step dad died 12 years ago. She won’t have anything to do with it! Go figure.
My Mom is a very complexes person. She is either angry or bitter 90% of the time. This is not due to her age. She’s always been this way. It was a difficult childhood for my siblings and myself. You weren’t allowed to have your own opinion about anything. Hence, we all moved out as soon as we graduated high school. I’m pretty sure she is bipolar. She has never seeked out counseling as that is a sign of weekness to her. If my Granddaughter wasn’t here, I still wouldn t see her daily.
It’s sad but I feel obligated to make sure that she is alright. I run errands for her, ect…. but I spend limited time with her as the anger, bitterness she emits is too much!!!!
On a more positive note, I think the Elk were here last night feeding on my roses. Burgers!!
It looks like or will be a beautiful Sunday.

[lizbeth4]

Today was busy! I spent 2 1/2 hours pruning back 7 rose bushes on the west side of my house. The Elk like to eat them and make a big mess! We have 2 Elk hanging out at the pond across from my home. Awesome animals!
We went to visit my Mom today. We spent 2 hours with her and she seemed happy to have us.
Today I had good news! I was approved for line of credit at a reasonable rate. It will serve as a emergency fund. I had no hesitation in accepting as I am managing my finances wisely these days. This gives me a little breathing room. I have 2 1/2 car payments left and I will start putting that money into my savings. Things are looking up!
My Granddaughter is a joy RG! Full of energy and delightful. Some days are tiring but it’s worth it!
I was able to read 2 more chapters of the Carr book today. It makes a lot of sense. I’m making notes also RG. There are a few chapters that I need to re-read.
Gambling thoughts-none! I don’t even buy the occasional lotto or scratch ticket anymore. When I think my gambling days, the sad faces haunt me. There’s a lot of sadness in casinos. I used to wonder what other gamblers stories were. It just made me sad!!! I don’t want to feel that way again.

[lizbeth4]

I was able to nap when my Granddaughter did yesterday and I had a decent nights sleep! I rose early and watered my garden and peach tree! We have cherry tomatoes and lettuce so far!!! I mopped and cleaned the house. Waiting for my Granddaughter to wake up so I can vacumn.
Thinking about going later today to get the car cleaned!
Last night as I was reading the Carr book, I was reflecting on my gambling days. Honestly, I’ve never felt more content then I do Now! I feel like I can achieve anything I want. My dreams will become reality. Maybe tweaked a little though.
My weight loss is at a standstill. I know what I need to do but I haven’t fully put myself into it. I find this ridiculous as I’ve been able to take control in other areas of my life. No more excuses or I’ll do it tomorrow. It starts today. I will reach my goal by September. There’s no stopping me!

[maverick.]

Lizbeth it’s great to hear things are going well for you my friend and so very happy for you, stay focused, stay positive and keep enjoying life while staying gamble free…….as we both well know it’s the only way !

Take care and speak soon Always wish you well !

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

OMG Maverick, I was shocked to see your name! I had been thinking of you. I hope all is well with you!
Oh, I kept having the worst nightmare, over and over again last night! I was gambling in every casino that I’ve ever been in my life!!! I gambled away everything, including my car and house!!! This is gross but when I woke up, I was vomitimg!!!! It was so real. It scared the heck out of me! It was so vivid and real. I’m exhausted now. Going to lay down for awhile.

[lizbeth4]

Feeling much better now! My tummy has settled. That was a awful nightmare. I didnt sleep much but I was productive this morning. I watered my garden and roses, cleaned the interior of my car.
My Daughter will be here tomorrow for 2 days. I’m going to take that time for me. My main and pedi is scheduled. I’m going to shop a little and just relax.
RG, I underplanted this season as I didn’t know if I would be able to keep up with it as I have my Granddaughter. We had a false spring and it turned cold again and then warmed up. So my veggies and fruits are taking longer to mature. But I will take any fresh produce as it tastes so good!!
I haven’t kept up with my jewerly making as I can’t find the time. I’ve made 1 pair of earrings and 1 bracelet in 3 months. Both marked for Christmas gifts.
Resting while my Granddaughter sleeps. Another late night. Have a good day everyone.

[lizbeth4]

A busy day! I babysat for my hair stylists 2 month old Grandson. They went to the city zoo. I’ve made enough money to buy a Little Tikes kitchen for my Granddaughter!!
My Daughter left this afternoon. She played with my Granddaughter non stop and I had 2 nights of gpod sleep plus my mani and pedi! My Granddaughter didn’t cry. She told Mommy good bye and that she loved her. So sweet!
My Daughter replaced some door stops for me and showed me how to secure the globe for my light post which I’m expecting tomorrow. It was very much appreciated!
Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

From babysitting I’ve found playmates for my Granddaughter. She also has a 2 and 3 year old Granddaughters. We are planning a playdate soon! I’m excited. My Granddaughter is very sweet and intelligent. She knows Mommy is coming back. I am really surprised that she doesn’t cry. She must feel really secure here. I love kids!!
RG, keep moving forward. Don’t beat yourself up. It could have been any one of us that had,gambled. I say a prayer everyday I get through without gambling. This is a hard and difficult addiction to deal with. You can do it!!!

[lizbeth4]

Feeling low today! Don’t know why. I had a fleeting thought about gambling this morning which would have required driving some distance and securing someone to watch my Granddaughter. The later stopped me! I hate it that the brain still retreats to gambling thoughts when I’m feeling down, stressed or agitated. Always on guard.
My new globe for my light post arrived this morning. I’m missing a spring on the post. You would think that one of the 3 hardware stores in town would sell springs. No! I had to go on Amazon to order some. What a pain.
We went to the grocery store this morning. We are just playing now. I don’t have the energy or desire to do much. I don’t understand my feelings at the moment. Things areooking up for me. In fact, my life is pretty much on track and where I wanted it to be after I decided the last time i gambled was the last.
Just getting through today. Tomorrow will be better!

[lizbeth4]

You didn’t cause my gambling thoughts! I hope that you are in a better place soon. The consequences of gambling are one of the things that deter me. I know that nothing has changed since I last stepped into a casino. It’s the same stuff. You will get thru this!!!
Yesterday was terrible! I was tired and cranky and so was my Granddaughter. My patience level was low. My insomnia is back and I don’t want to retreat to my sleeping pills. I’ve been so inactive lately that I feel like a lump. That has to change. Today we start our evening walks. I have to start somewhere!!!
My Granddaughter’s play kitchen and 4 new outfits are on their way. Another advantage of not gambling. I can buy things. Next month I’ll be forking over a tidy sum to get the trees and shrubbery in my front yard trimmed. Something that is long overdue.
I’ve been marking things off my to do list for my home. I’m more than half way through it. It feels good to see my accomplishments. This is all possible because I’m not gambling.
RG, don’t ever give up!!! I think that everytime we slip, we become stronger. You can do it!

[lizbeth4]

Yesterday was a hard and draining day! My Mom babysat for 2 hours so I could do some grocery shopping, ect…. I’d packed food for my Granddaughter. She feed her nothing but sweets, cake, ice cream and pudding. She had a new outfit on and it was covered in chocolate. I don’t understand. Nevertheless, I was unhappy. My Granddaughter was jacked up on a sugar rush all afternoon. Then my Mom started on how my Sister has a boyfriend and I don’t. I don’t want one and I’m not looking. My Sister is not happy with her situation but my Mom can’t see it. This is why I’m hesitate to go around her. She is ridiculous!!
It never stops with her. She’s one of my biggest triggers. I love her because she’s my parent and I feel obligated to make sure that she is alright but as a person, she’s not nice. It gets old!!

[lizbeth4]

We received the play kitchen this morning. I was able to put it together before my Granddaughter woke up. She told me that she loves her kitchen! LOL!
I talked to my Daughter today about my Mom. We both think the dementia is getting worse. She is getting angrier! Maybe she’s also scared because she realizes that she’s changing. Ived tried to talk to her about this subject before but with no answers. She closes up!
I will find a babysitter from now on or take my Granddaughter with me. I’m concerned about my Granddaughter’s care.
Not gambling keeps my mind clear. I never once was angry with my Mother. In the past, I would have told her so. Yesterday while talking to her, I could tell nothing was getting through to her so I stopped. Things will keep deteriorating with her and decisions will have to be made. It sad!
Now I can focus on issues and make good decisions. I don’t have my gambling issues looming over me.

[lizbeth4]

My new neighbor brought over a watermelon for my Granddaughter. So sweet! She told me again that she would watch my Granddaughter if I needed to run to the store or do errands.
I’ve invited my Mom for lunch tomorrow. I purchased salmon, toss salad stuff and sweet potatoes. I need to keep her close as possible and make her feel wanted and loved. Whatever is happening with her we will have to face together.

[kathryn]

I hope you have good family support re your mum. Dementia is a horrible horrible disease and I know it all too well, better than I care to.
Maybe its time to look at getting her assessed? There are medications that can slow down the disease, just a thought.
I can just picture your little grand daughter with her new kitchen. How cute!!! They really are a joy.
I hope you are remembering to look after yourself a little. You are extremely busy, and with the added worry of your mum you need to give yourself a little love occasionally.
I just wanted to touch base, hope you are having a lovely weekend, Love K xxxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

The lunch was nice today then my Mom started her nonsense. Without going into detail, it’s not my business and I don’t care. I told her that I didn’t have time for it. Gossiping isn’t my thing. She got nasty and left.
Kathryn, even though I have power of attorney, I can’t force my Mom into any medical testing without her consent. I would have to petition the court and prove that she’s incompetent. She won’t go for any testing. And I don’t have good family support. My Sister will probably bale on me.
I’m trying to take care of myself. I’m no good to anybody if I get run down.
3 elk were down at the pond this evening. Beautiful creatures. I’m so lucky to have this beauty surround me.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter was involved in a accident yesterday. The other trucker waa drunk and arrested on site. Her truck is totaled but she is ok. Shaken up a bit!!! How scary!! She’s about 1800 miles from me so no hugs but many video chats!

[kin]

Thank God to hear that your daughter is safe. God bless!

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter is feeling better today! She has another truck and new travel plans and takes off again tommorow. As I think that everything happens for a reason, maybe she needed to stop the drunk driver before he plowed into a car and killed someone.
Today, I had gambling urges but rode them out. The next 2 days, I’m getting numerous trees trimmed and shrubbery cut back. I need every penny to complete this. It’s something I’ve let go and badly needs to be done!!!
I was able to afford to order the cabinet for my Grandsons room to display his legos. Little things are adding up and I’m getting home projects finished because I have the money.
I made the last payments on 2 loans today! How embarrassing the amount of loans and credit cards I incurred while gambling. I’m accomplishing so much and I’m proud of myself.
I can’t let my guard down or become complacent as I know the gambling monster is just waiting to find a way in!

[kin]

Well done sister!

[lizbeth4]

My front yard looks fantastic! I’ve let so many things go as I didn’t have money due to expenses incurred because of past gambling. My backyard is getting done in August and September as it is very costly.
RG, I know once I start, I will have a hard time stopping. I’m glad that you are going to the gambling therapist. You can do this!! I know you can!!!
I have some broken blind slats in my home and I’ve measured and ordered some replacements. All the little things are adding up and I’m getting things fixed, replaced and beautified. I’m so happy!!!!!

[lizbeth4]

It’s funny how things can change so much in a day. I’m feeling depressed because of a few things that have happened in the last 24 hours. Things outside my realm but that effect me. I know that I have the power to say no to anything that I don’t want to do but I feel like I’m being put on the spot! I keep reminding myself about boundaries. It’s hard when someone you love keeps asking for help! I don’t think this person is being honest with me. But it hurts as they seem desperate! On a lighter note. My Granddaughter loved the fireworks which we watched from our front porch. She kept saying, it’s Christmas. LOL! The 2’s are hard. Crying for no reason. Getting into everything! But it’s a time for learning and growing and hugs and kisses. It’s testing my patience but I’m hanging in there. Gambling, I’ve thought about it but haven’t acted on it. My Granddaughter is my focal point right now !

[lizbeth4]

Today got worse instead of better! I am battling through it all and even without a gambling thought. I feel good about that! My new next door neighbor and I have already formed a friendship. She has a positive and encouraging personality. She loves my Granddaughter and is always bringing over fresh fruits and veggies for her. It helps to have someone to talk to as I usually converse with a 2 year old all day. LOL. She just has good energy. Glad she moved next door.

[lizbeth4]

Yesterday the handyman came and my outside light that was plowed down, works again. He assembled the bookcase/cabinet and anchored it to the wall. I have all of my Grandson’ s Lego pieces displayed in it! Getting things done around the house.
My neighbor watched my Granddaughter yesterday while I went to the library. My Granddaughter loves her and she is patient and likes children.
I haven’t had any gambling thoughts. I’m seeing the results of not gambling. My life is more positive.

[lizbeth4]

Last night I had strong gambling urges! I will not stoop that low to get a babysitter so I can gamble. Today the urges have lessen but are still there. Working through them!
I’ve been able to purchase a few more items for my home. I keep looking around me at the improvements I’ve made and know the only reason it’s happened is because I’m not gambling. My debts are falling off and I’m in a real good place right now. I can’t ruin everything now.

[kathryn]

I get those 2 year old dramas!
Tex turned 2 a few weeks ago. He is into everything!!!
Brea sent me a video of him bawling his eyes out because he couldn’t fit into a toy car which was 100 times too small for him! LOL
Everything happens for a reason, maybe your Grand daughter is there not only for her, but for you as well, as a barrier?
Youre doing great, keep going and don’t let those thoughts become actions. Theres lots of joy to be found out there, I think gambling makes us blind to them.
Take care dear friend,
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

So today RG I did something for me. I ordered internet. I haven’t had it for 16 months! OMG!! It’s been that long? The 15th it will be installed. I can stream my Netflix and Amazon prime again. I got a great deal also! So, instead of gambling I did something for myself. May sound trivial but I’m excited!!!!
Thanks ladies for your support and advice! RG, I know you can do this. Anything it takes to make it harder to gamble. I know you felt humiliated but it’s something that’s for your own good!!! Hang in there. I know that I’m not missing anything at the casino. Same thing, only a different day.
Kathryn, my Granddaughter has kept me from gambling many times! We need each other! She climbs onto everything. Just like her Mommy did! Isn’t it amazing how much they learn every day? My Granddaughter just soaks everything up. She’s asking me why and what I’m doing all the time. I just love her!

[lizbeth4]

Today was a blah day! Don’t know why but I didn’t want to do anything and I accomplished very little. No energy! My Granddaughter and I just stayed home. I played with her and we did our usual daily routine.
I bought a projector/music thing for my Granddaughter thinking it would help her relax at bedtime. No! She wanted to catch and touch the stars and moon. LOL!
My oldest Daughter and my Grandson are coming for a visit this weekend. I’m so happy! I’m going to put a roast and veggies in the crockpot. We will be playing board games. Fun!
I’m present and participating with my children and Grandchildren. Gambling took me away from them. No more!

[lizbeth4]

RG, thank you for your support. Even when you are going through things you still have time to be supportive. I truly appreciate it!! And I want nothing but the best for you. Hang in there!
I’m up early, put a roast and veggies in the slow cooker and made a nice tossed salad. My oldest Daughter, Grandson and her boyfriend will be here this afternoon. I haven’t seen them for awhile and I’m excited to spend a little time with them!
The last 3 days, my Granddaughter has been on a regular sleep schedule. Oh, it’s helped enormously with my daily functioning. I think that her living here is going to be more long term than 1 year. My Daughter has to pay back the school, ect…before she can save money for a down payment on a house. It’s Ok!
I have so much to be grateful for! Not gambling makes life so much more enjoyable and I’m living in the present. I get to enjoy my family and all the memories. I don’t take anything for granted anymore. Have a great weekend everyone.

[lizbeth4]

My weekend was AWESOME! My Daughter and Grandson came without her boyfriend as he had to work. They even stayed a extra night and left this afternoon. My Sister came yesterday so we had pizza together. The roast ect…was a hit!
My Mom is okay. She is so passive aggressive it’s ridiculous. I just ignore it! My Granddaughter’s sleep times have been good the last 4 days. Yeah!
My Sister and I are going hiking tomorrow. We are going to look for geods and raw crystals. Exciting!
My Daughter and Grandson went on a night hike around the pond across from my house. They sat about 4 feet from 2 hugh Elks for quite a while. Probably the same 2 Elks that hang out on our neighborhood. My Grandson is about a head taller than me now! Where did the time go to?
I have internet now!!!! So exciting!
RG, I’m so happy that you made it through the weekend! You can do this! I hope you have a great week also!!

[lizbeth4]

I’m so happy about the internet. My Granddaughter has watched a Barbie mermaid movie several times now! LOL! All family members have gone home. My Sister left today. My youngest Daughter and Sister will be back towards the end of the month. Time to get back to our schedule.
There were 3 elk hanging out at the pond again today. I could see them from my living room window. My oldest Daughter and Grandson are nature lovers. They do a lot of camping, hiking. They were ecstatic to be able to get that close to the elk.
I collected many geodes for my Grandson and a few for myself. RG, they are beautiful! Wish I could give you some.
It is unseasonably hot here but it cools down at night. My air conditioning kicks on a lot during the day. Many people here only have swamp or window units. It’s our monsoon season so we will be getting rain storms in the evenings for the next few months.
I bought a nice bistro set for my outside patio area. I can enjoy my tea in the morning there! Next month my back yard trees are getting trimmed and some fence pickets are getting replaced. My front porch is getting restrained and sealed. All of this is possible because I’m not gambling! I love the results.
RG, I posted on your thread but I want to tell you that I’m proud of you!! You are taking all the steps to help yourself to stop gambling. It isn’t easy but I know you can do this!!!

[lizbeth4]

Trying to get my Granddaughter on a sleeping schedule again. We are a little off track from having visitors. This coming Friday mt Daughter will be here for 3 1/2 days so I’ll have a little break. My Sister will also be here at the same time for 2 days. Today, I cleaned and did laundry and played with my Granddaughter. She’s napping now. I promised a happy meal (treat) when she wakes. I was very tempted to gamble while my Sister was here. She and my Mom went twice to the casino and I guess it triggered urges. I didn’t act on them. My focus is on my Granddaughter and home projects. I have the tree guy coming back in 2 weeks to trim the backyard trees and the handyman coming next month to do 2 home projects. It’s exciting to see things completed. I won’t let gambling to take anything else from Me! I’m the one in control.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your supportive post! Yes, I did feel like I was missing out on the fun when my Mom and Sister went to the casino twice. They lost the first day and won the next time. But my Sister said the win didn’t cover her losses. And that’s how it goes. We both know that!
I haven’t been really counting my gamble free time. Just getting through the days. I’ve been a bit depressed lately. Between my Granddaughter’s sleep times and my insomnia, I think it is sleep related. My Granddaughter’s sleep times are getting better as I wake her at a certain time in the morning and put her down for a nap and at night at the same times. I may ber able to take a forth of a sleeping pill soon to aid in my sleep.
Thanks RG for your support! I know that you can be gamble free also. You can do it! You are going to group and getting support from the counselor. You are taking the right steps in recovery. Be proud of yourself!

[lizbeth4]

Winding down the day. Just enjoying life! Yesterday after the rain we played in rain puddles and had a blast! No gambling thoughts.
Today a man fell asleep at the wheel and rear ended my truck driver Daughter’s truck. He had to be taken to the hospital. My Daughter wasn’t hurt, just shaken up. There was minimal damage to her truck. I keep encouraging her as I don’t want her to give up what she likes doing. First the DUI driver. Now this! I’m glad she will be home soon.
I feel like I’m getting stronger everyday with my recovery. It seems like everything is falling into place. I feel like my life is pretty much on track. I’m dealing with the same family issues, ect. That hasn’t changed but the way that I’m handling them is. I’m getting better about setting boundaries and walking away from the nonsense. It makes for a better, happier me!

[lizbeth4]

Early this morning we were graced with a mother and baby elk coming up from the pond area and walking down our street. They eventually ended up going in between my Mom’s and her neighbor’s houses to return to the forest. Beautiful! It makes me more grateful for where I live! How awesome is that?
My Daughter will be home on Saturday. I purchased foods to make her favorite meal and dessert. My next door neighbor watched my Granddaughter again while I shopped. She is a God sent. We’ve become fast friends. We have a lot in common.
Things are falling into place. My Granddaughter’s sleep times are getting more normal so I am getting sleep also! There’s a art class for 2-4 year olds starting next month. I’m going to enroll her. We are going to the library once a week for story time. She’s getting better about staying seated.
Gambling-no urges! But I’m not getting complacent. I know the thpughts can manifest anytime. I’m not cured! I’m learning how to deal with issues more productively. I’m finally changing the way that I handle stress and anxiety. I feel so much better about myself!!

[lizbeth4]

RG, I am so blessed as I am surrounded by beautiful forests and streams and lakes. Wildlife is abundant. It sure beats living in the city.
My weekend isn’t going as planned. My youngest Daughter was delayed and won’t be here till Monday. Good news is that my oldest Daughter and Grandson are camping nearby and I will see them this afternoon.
I am finally seeing the results of not gambling. I am present for my family and friends. My financial mess is clearing up. I make my last car payment next month and a large loan will be paid off in November. Just 2 more loans to tackle!
Something finally clicked within me. I decided that I couldn’t live the gamblers life anymore. I finally have peace within myself. Don’t ever give up! You are worth it!

[Meghna83]

Lizbeth, where you live sounds like paradise. I wish one day I find myself resting in a place like that.

About never living the gamblers life again, I really hear you with that. I feel the same way. I really do not ever want to find myself there again.

Well done for going over 6 months gamble free. You really have shown me that it is possible.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Meghna for your post! Where do I start? We had a lot of visitors. My oldest Daughter and Grandson popped in for a few hours while on their way home from camping again. My youngest Daughter was here for 2 days and left yesterday. My Sister came for a 2 day visit also. I felt blessed! I was here andc present. Gambling didn’t interfere! Financial break throughs continue. My car will be paid off this month. 2 credit cards on my debt repayment plan will be paid off and I will have only 3 left that will be resolved next year. My last 2 personal loans will be paid off next year also. No more debt! This is only because I’ve not gambled and stuck to my budget. It’s so freeing! I also made myself proud as I stood my ground and boundaries with my Sister. I called her on her rudeness towards me. She apologized. Something she rarely does. I feel empowered and there’s no turning back to my old ways. Life is more worth living. Less stress.

[lizbeth4]

My Granddaughter and I are playing with play doh. Little things bring great joy! Hoping that it will rain again today. My peach tree is loaded down. The peaches have never been so large. A few more weeks and then we can pick them. I’ll be making peach pie, ect…..One of my Granddaughter’s favorite snacks are cut up fresh veggies. I didn’t plant a lot in the garden this year but I’ve had plenty of tomatoes and cucumbers. Her favs!
Life is treating me well. No complaints!
For anyone who is struggling right now with gambling, DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! Recovery isn’t easy but so worth the end results. Clearer thinking, being present for yourself and others, less stress and LIVING THE LIFE THAT YOU DESERVE TO LIVE.

[Meghna83]

Thank you liz,

amen 

[lizbeth4]

Don’t know why but I’m having intense gambling thoughts today! I’m not acting upon them but it’s a uncomfortable feeling. I hate this feeling. URG!
I’ve cleaned, done laundry ect….anything to stay busy and deter my mind. Thoughts are still there!
Tomorrow my backyard trees are getting trimmed. I’m focusing on how wonderful it will look afterwards.
I’m sure my Granddaughter feeds off of my emotions as she has been quite wild today. Plus we were both bitten by mosquitos yesterday while walking to and from the mailbox. Hydrocortisone cream is helping with the itching.
Hoping the urges cease soon!

[lizbeth4]

Hi RG! I took your advice. I figured out what is really bothering me. I’ve concluded that I am doing the best I can with the situation. I can only do what I can do. I guess it’s bothering me as I could have planned better but I’m still learning.
I guess that I’ve let myself down! I expect a lot out of myself. Maybe too much! But I will get through this.
My oldest Daughter and Grandson are coming for the weekend ! It will be nice to have them here!
Self care- sometimes it doesn’t happen with a 2 year old. But I’m working on that also.
The urges have lessen but are still lingering. I’m holding on. There is no way that I’m going back to my old ways.

[jen3]

Liz! Over 6 months gambling free! That is Awesome!!! Iam so proud of and happy for you. I am also very jealous. Keep doing what ever you are doing. I am hoping something clicks and stays clicked with me.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Jen! Thanks. The urges have passed. Thank goodness. Today I had my feelings hurt. I won’t go into detail. I still deal with low self esteem. So I automatically think that I’ve done something wrong. When in reality the other person is just a rude person. I had to sort that out in my head. It’s hard to break the people pleaser that I’ve always been. I think that I’m too sensitive sometimes. I wish that I could just blow things off more easily.
I’ve found a play group for toddlers. It meets at a local church once a week. We are going to give it a try next week.
My Mom watched her great Granddaughter today for 2 hours. I did my big grocery shopping for the month. I purchased food for this weekend when my Daughter and Grandson are here. I’m looking forward to it!!!
I’m very blessed and grateful! I do have a good life. Gam bling can’t ever be a part of my life again!!!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still gamble free! I made it through the urges! My weekend with my oldest Daughter and Grandson was fantastic. I was sad to see them go home. One of my cousins has moved up here recently and my Granddaughter and I are going to see her this week. We have our playdate day soon. My life is full and busy.
I’ve incorporated a exercise routine into my morning schedule. I’m a bit sore but I’m not going to give up. I didn’t realize that I was so out of shape. In fact, I pulled a lower back muscle while pulling weeds. Ouch!!! Fortunately, my Daughter helped with her Neice, so I used heat and ice and was able to function again.
We picked peaches today and I sent some home with my Daughter. They are so delicious! I’m making a pie tomorrow and then I’m going to freeze a lot of them for future use!
I learned a valuable lesson last week. Not everyone is going to like you and that’s alright. Not gambling, I am having to deal with feelings and emotions. No escaping! I’m learning a lot about myself.

[lizbeth4]

Well, today I paid off my car! Yeah!! I’ve decided to take that money and put it towards the last 2 personal loans I have. I’ve really made a lot of progress since I stopped gambling.
Life still throws curveballs every so often but I’ve learned that gambling doesn’t solve anything. It just makes matters worse.
My life is far from perfect but I feel more content than I have in years. Dealing with issues and problems and not escaping with gambling has made me stronger. I no longer feel responsible for someone else’s happiness. My people pleaser days are coming to a end. No more feeding into negative relationships. I’ve come a long way!!! No stopping me now!

[lizbeth4]

Don’t give up fighting! You are worth a gamble free life! There were days in the beginning that I barely held on from gambling. For myself, it’s become easier to not gamble with time although I still do experience urges and thoughts sometimes. It seems these times are becoming fewer! This is my experience as I know that everyone is different!
Dealing with life without gambling has been challenging. I have dredged through a lot of feelings and have concluded that I need to change many things that have made me unhappy. Not a easy feat at 61 years old.
I have a small circle of friends. I seem to try to mix acquaintances as friends. This has seemed to cause me some heartache. Maybe it’s because I am gullible or lonely. I don’t know,but I’m working on this. My family dynamics hasn’t changed. The dysfunction is still there. I’m putting my efforts into my Children and Grandchildren and distancing myself as much as possible from the negativity from other family members. Boundaries are getting easier!
Life is meant to be happy. I don’t want any regrets.
RG, don’t ever give up!!!

[jen3]

Congrats on paying off the car. You are doing so well. I remember last winter when it was a struggle for you to get new tires. You are past that and have come such a long way. Such an inspiration.

[lizbeth4]

I still have a long way to go!! I’m learning something new about myself constantly and I’m breaking bad habits. I’m making positive changes. By the end of 2020, my goal is to be debt free and have only a mortgage and living expenses. And to bank money for my travelling!!!
So exciting!!

[jen3]

I am excited to watch you continue to make positive changes on your journey. Praying I am right behind you! I know life will always be challenging but as you know gambling just makes everything that much harder.

[lizbeth4]

So, today I had brunch with my Mom and Cousin who just moved here with her Husband. We had been estranged for 6 years. We had a disagreement. We’ve never been close or have seen each other a lot over the years. I initiated the meeting as I’ve decided to not have any regrets in my life! Everything went well. We may not be besties but I feel so much better that the hard feelings between us is over and that we are moving forwards.
I also made a decision that next month (My Daughter agrees) my Granddaughter is going to daycare 3 days a week. It will be good for her and me.
No gambling thoughts or urges!!!

[Monica1]

I have caught up with your thread and it is so good to read about how well u r doing gf. We r the same age and I relate so much to your story. Well done.

[lizbeth4]

I am still gamble free! I ***** my blessings everyday.
My youngest Daughter will be here soon. I can use a few days off. Tomorrow my Granddaughter and I are going to a playdate at a local church. I’m excited as she isn’t around any children
She is thriving. Her vocabulary grows everyday. It’s had to believe that she is almost 2 years and 5 months.l Time flies.
I’ve purchased more beautiful beads and I am looking forward to making leather wrap bracelets. Some will be Christmas gifts and I’m hoping to sell some. I had to invest in a bigger organizer to hold my supplies. I just have to find time to work on them. Hopefully next month when she goes to daycare.
I am truly amazed on how much debt I’ve been able to pay off. I was so depressed as I couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel. But that was when I was gambling. Next year will be a monumental year for me as I will be debt free by the end of 2020!!! Such a amazing feeling!!! Not experiencing the gambling hang over and self loathing is wonderful. Oh, how I hated those feelings.
I hope that everyone finds their way on this journey. If I can do it, anyone can.

[jen3]

So darn proud and happy for you Liz! Hoping to follow in your foot steps. It’s only day 18 for me but it feels different this time. Kind of like “I get it”. Who knows what will happen down the road but I do know one thing for sure…. I am not going to gamble today. ??

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth
I am delighted to read of your progress.
I think it’s a great idea for your granddaughter to attend daycare . She will so enjoy the company of other children and you deserve some time for yourself .
Wow imagine you will be debt free in a year – I can’t wait to read that post .xx

[vera]

Just touching base, Lizbeth (last post for tonight) Isn’t it amazing how fast our debts reduce when we stop gambling.Saving a little as well as repaying debts, creates balance.

I’m so happy for you. I am voting you in as my role model. I really have to get my act together.

At my age and with my medical hx, I know I am at high risk of popping my clogs from stress (God forbid) and I ain’t ready to meet my Maker yet. Gotta make amends first.

Keep moving along in a straight line, Liz, You are an extraordinary person.

God bless you and yours.

[lizbeth4]

I was happy to see all of your posts!! My youngest Daughter just left to go back to the city and work. She spent 3 days here with her Daughter. I had a break and was able to get some sleep. My Daughter’s old car is on its last leg. So, it’s parked in my driveway. She has my car. I can get rides to the store, ect… She’s saving money for another car.
One important lesson I’ve learned through not gambling is that there is always a solution for every problem. Not gambling!! My reasoning skills are not blocked with gambling thoughts or aftermath worries. It’s very freeing and finally after many years, I like myself. I know my WORTH!!!
RG, Jen, I-did-it and Vera, without your support I would have given up on myself. Every low, you all were there for me. Don’t give up. You all deserve everything good! You can do this!!! I am rooting for all of you. You will always have my support and admiration.

[lizbeth4]

So, I woke early this morning. I did my daily affirmations and reflected on how grateful I am for everything in my life even the challenges! This helps me stay grounded and is one of the things that helps me stay gamble free!
I watered all of my roses and cleaned off my front patio and driveway. I try to get something accomplished everyday.
My plans for daycare for my Granddaughter have been derailed for awhile. Since I don’t have transportation. It will take a bit for my Daughter to save money for a decent car. But it will happen. In the meantime, I can use my Mother’s car and my neighbor has been so kind to offer the use of his car if I need It!
Next month, I will actually be in the position to start putting money into my savings. I’m beyond thrilled about this!!
Progress after my gambling addiction nightmare. I’m not cured. I put a lot of actions into place to keep me from gambling. I will always have to do this as I don’t want to go back to the gambling, EVER! Life can be good!

[kin]

Thumbs Up!

[jen3]

You are an inspiration Liz. It’s a life long battle that’s for sure. Thoughts come and go BUT I intend to do what it takes and not give into them. For me that is staying one step ahead of my addiction and reminding myself of what I never want to experience again …. “The gambling hangover” Keep doing what is working..

[lizbeth4]

I had a GAMBLING nightmare last night! It jolted me from my sleep! My stomach has been doing flip flops for hours. I’m not sure what triggered this but it’s a awful feeling. One that I don’t want to relive for reals.
My life is pretty Good! We are working out my Daughter’s car situation. She will have mine for 2 months. Then she can buy a older used car or a newer car with payments. I’ve used my Mom’s car and that’s doable.
I’m going to the city next week for my yearly cardiologist appointment. Looking forward to seeing a good friend for brunch and going to a bead store and my favorite department store while I’m there.
We are getting our nightly rains here and I can feel fall in the air!! One of my most favorite times of the year!! I hope everyone has a great gamble free weekend.

[kathryn]

Thankfully it was just a dream, a horrible reminder of where you don’t want to be.
First day of spring here tomorrow and it cant come soon enough. This winter has been really cold, but it has been the wind that has been the killer, chills you to the bone!!!
We are getting a taste today, sunny blue skies, no wind (thankfully) . Its the get up and go I need, and it makes me want to actually do something!!!!
Have a great weekend, sounds like you have planned your trip to the city really well, enjoy it!!!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

It was a nightmare! Thankfully I didn’t relive it last night. We are almost at the end of our summer and fall will be here soon! I’m hoping for some snow this winter so my Granddaughter can play in it.
I am looking forward to my day trip to the city. I will get my yearly cardiologist appointment over with and I will be able to see my dear friend and visit a few stores as my selection here is limited.
Life is simple and I love my life! Most of the time, I’m in good spirits. No more gambling depression and desperate thoughts. I’m so grateful that I’m not gambling.

[lizbeth4]

Still gamble free! My Daughter went back to the city today. My cardiologist appointment went well and I have another appoint in 1 year. I had a wonderful lunch with my friend. I did a little shopping and bought some more beads and some craft things for my Granddaughter and I to do this winter.
Tomorrow we are going to the ****** fair. The petting zoo and pony rides should be a hit with my Granddaughter!! I’m looking forward to the fair food!!
Life is good! No gambling thoughts or urges lately. Of course, there’s family drama going on between my Mom and Sister. But I’ve decided to stay out of it. I have enough on my plate.

[lizbeth4]

Life is good! No gambling thoughts or urges. The fair was fun! I think fall weather is here. Our forecast shows 15 degrees cooler for the next 10 days and rain. I’m so ready for cooler weather.
I made a great lunch yesterday for my Mother. I’ve appreciated the use of her car while my Daughter has mine.
My Granddaughter and I are planning to spend some time outside today. Time to enjoy the weather. Time for walks and the nearby park.
Life is full of possibilities. We only hold ourselves back. I’ve learned a lot of life lessons from my gambling addiction. I’m going to rewrite the rest of my life! It’s so exciting.

[Steev]

“I’ve learned a lot of life lessons from my gambling addiction…”

Interesting – I would like to know more!

[lizbeth4]

I’m in control of every decision that I make in my life! I used to say that gambling had control over me. It didn’t. I chose to let it control me.
Money isn’t everything! I used to rate having money very high in my life. I don’t anymore.
I put my health and well being before anyone else. I was always low on my list when I was gambling. I can’t be there for anyone else unless I am the best I can be.
My family and friends come next in my life. I was barely there for anyone when I was actively gambling.
Life is short. Enjoy every day!!! Gambling just sucks the life out of you!!!

[jen3]

I am so very proud of you! You have not idea how much you are helping me. You are always in my prayers. I pray for your continued recovery. I ask God to bless you for a job well done. Life is never easy but so much better without the added chaos of gambling. I look forward to experiencing what a gf life has to offer. Keep up the good work my friend.

[Steev]

I am struggling with No.3 on your list – remembering to look after my health is SO important.

Being able to have friends trust me – is important too.

Thanks

[lizbeth4]

I attribute my heart attack at age 52 partly to my gambling addiction. As I sat in the casinos, day after day being inactive, smoking and not eating properly. Thankfully I survived and stopped smoking that day! I’ve had cancer and have survived also. Now days, I try to eat healthy and I exercise everyday. I haven’t lost or gained any weight in 1 year but losing weight is another goal for myself. Gambling leads to other unhealthy habits.
Today was spent outside with my Granddaughter playing with side walk chalk and riding the tricycle. The little things mean so much.
Getting ready for bed. It’s been a long day.

[Steev]

You wrote: “Today was spent outside with my Granddaughter playing with side walk chalk and riding the tricycle. The little things mean so much.”

That touched me, because my father was a compulsive gambler.  I only remember him being there in the mornings and him being annoyed as I tried to attract his attention away from the newspaper where he was checking form and working out where to put his bets.  Then I wouldn’t see him all day because he would be working – not for the family – but to earn the money to bet with.  Weekends would be his big gambling days and so it would go on.

Other fathers took their kids to football matches, to the pool, fishing …  I had to look after myself.  To his credit he did teach me to ride a bike (after severe prompting from my mother) but that was it – in the 13 years he was there.

I used to feel really hard done by – but now, of course, I know he couldn’t help it.  The funny thing is that I actually feel he really missed out as well.  I wasn’t a bad kid and I think he would have enjoyed spending more time around me.  He died through gambling at an early age (56) but I hadn’t seen him since my teenage years and only found out some time after the event.

Hey a small sentence triggered all that!  Thanks for your posts and keep enjoying your gambling free life, giving your grand-daughter so many happy memories.

[lizbeth4]

I missed a lot of things with my family because of my gambling. That is one thing that still haunts me. My behavior was horrible. I wasn’t present mentally at times because I was fixated on my next gambling event. I know that I can’t make up for past behaviors but I’ve apologized to my love ones and I’m fully present now!!! And that won’t change.
I woke up to rain this morning. I’m having tea and reflecting as I get ready to start my day. I am truly blessed. I have great kids and Grandkids. A few good true friends. I live a comfortable life. I’m healthy!
Gambling nearly destroyed me but I survived and I’m fighting back.

[lizbeth4]

I am still gamble free and enjoying life! The weather here has been so pleasant. We’ve been going to the park every evening. Pushing the stroller the 3 mile round trip and running and playing has been good exercise for me. And the fresh air has been good for my Granddaughter.
My Granddaughter is so ready for daycare. She plays well with the other kids at the park. And her language skills are advanced. I will have to wait till November when my Daughter returns my car.
My financial outlook keeps getting better since I’ve stopped gambling. Next year I will be able to finish my house projects. Yeah. Something I never thought possible.
I’m probably the happiest and most content that I’ve been in years.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
It’s good to read such a positive post from you. It strikes me that being gamble free is allowing you to fully take part in and appreciate the small opportunities for real happiness which come along every day. At the same time you are looking forward and planning important things for your future.
You are living the life you deserved all along. Well done x

[lizbeth4]

I’m also finding that my gambling urges and thoughts are coming less often and with less intensity. Although I am so grateful for that, I don’t ever let my guard down. It would be too easy to fall into that trap again!! I am cherishing all of the everyday things plus I’m not giving up on my dreams of traveling. I might need to revamp my trips but I know that I can find a happy medium in the end. Also, my expectations about others has changed. I was setting myself up for disappointment before. I can only live to my expectations!!!! A lot of the negative vibes I’ve experienced from mostly relatives I’ve been able to tune out and not be affected as in the past. My setting boundaries and following through skills have greatly improved. These are a few of the changes that have occurred in my life since I stopped gambling. All of which are positive. I’m so happy that there are positive results from years of self imposed misery!!

[lizbeth4]

I seriously have thought about gambling today! I think it’s because my Daughter is here so I have my car for a few days. Crazy! Right? I’m working through the urges. Staying strong!

[i-did-it]

You know how it is Lisbeth – any small change good or bad can be a trigger for us.
The real choice here is do you want to go to sleep tonight feeling relaxed, happy, proud of your progress and looking forward to a great weekend
Or
Do you want o go to bed tonight devastated, feeling shame, bouncing dollars about your head, planning who not to pay and who to prioritise, wondering how you managed to convince yourself it was a good idea despite every experience you have ever had with gambling eventually ending up with a tremendous low ?
Try to sit out the urges Lizbeth – you have come too far !

[lizbeth4]

Great advice! I didn’t gamble. I had a hard time riding out the urges but I did think of the aftermath. My Daughter left today. I’ve been feeling a bit low! This too shall pass.

[jen3]

I am so glad you rode it out.. you have come to far to turn back.

[lizbeth4]

I am feeling low! I’ve had a financial setback. This has always led to gambling in the past but I’m not going that route. My Daughter isn’t progressing as expected financially. She now has a fiance, very quick courtship. I’m not sure where her money is going but I do want my car back on the date we agreed on. I can only help so much. I’m mentally drained! I’m trying to stay afloat and ride everything out.

[vera]

I hear you loud and clear, Liz.
As we discussed many times in the past, as mothers, we are NOT responsible for our adult children.
I have had similar issues. It is very easy to get sucked in, then we resent our “kids”taking advantage of us, we question our role, feel used and end up stuffing all these emotions into slot machines.
That was what we did before we woke up, Liz.
I have been off the radar myself lately.
We both know that gambling solves none of our problems, just causes us to feel like worthless mothers.
Set tight boundaries, Liz. I am speaking to myself also, as I type these words.
You have helped beyond the bounds of duty, with your children , as I have with mine.
Time for them to take personal responsibility now. Stick to the arrangements. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.
Not easy, as I well know.
It’s over a week since I gambled now. It nearly killed me. (No exaggeration)
Stay focused.
Always in my thoughts and prayers.

[lizbeth4]

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gambled! I get everything that you are saying to me. It’s still hard when a Grandchild is involved. My Daughter has no where to take her. This is her home. But I can keep the car date and other boundaries. Even though she’s made great strides, I don’t know if she will ever grow up!
I can’t let this be a excuse for GAMBLING!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve managed to stay gamble free although the urges have kept popping up! I’ve learned that most situations or events are temporary. I’m also learning not to act on impulse, to ride out my feelings. I’ve made too many goals to go backwards now!

[lizbeth4]

Still feeling a little down! I’m attributing some of it to lack of sleep. Paying the 1st half of my property taxes today. The only way this is possible is because I’m not GAMBLING!
My daily motivation is lacking. Part of me wants to just vegg but the other part tells me to keep going as I have a little girl counting on me! I’m not a giver upper so I keep propelling forward.

[lizbeth4]

I’m still gamble free although I’ve had a few urges! I’m beginning to think that the urges will always pop up randomly. I have to learn how to deal with this.
On the home front everything is good. I had some more trees trimmed. By December, they will all be done. Tomorrow, the living room and hall carpets are being cleaned. I’ve finished 2 more items on my to do list! Only a few move left to do.
My Granddaughter is well and full of play! We go on daily walks and to the park. Life is good and fulfilling!!

[lizbeth4]

Your post came at a time when I really needed some positive and encouraging words! Life is still good! No gambling in my life! My youngest Daughter is struggling. Her truck broke down and she didn’t work for 5 days till she was able to get another truck. Now, she has been stuck for 3 days in another state waiting for another load. It’s hard to save for a car, ect. I’m praying that things change for her. She truly deserves all the best as she has come so far!!! But that’s life.
My Granddaughter is my world right now! She continues to thrive! I’m blessed to have this time with her. Everyday is full of fun and learning new things.
I’ve weathered all the turmoil that gambling has caused me and I have learned that life can be good! We may not always like what’s happening but I am truly blessed!!

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter got a load and has other ones which will keep her busy this week! She’s on the road again!

[lizbeth4]

Today was a long day! I had a few thoughts of gambling! Sitting in the casino, relaxing. Then I came back to reality!!! It’s not relaxing when you’re chasing the win and stressing about money!!!!
Not every day is going to go the way that I think it should. You have to take the good with the bad and learn how to deal with it!!
I’m blessed in so many ways. I never want to lose sight of that.

[lizbeth4]

I’m still gamble free! No gambling thoughts or urges since my last post! This week was busy. My Granddaughter’s first dental visit, no cavities! A visit to the pumpkin patch and mak ing Halloween cookies!
My Daughter and her boyfriend are coming next weekend. A few days of rest.
I have no magic bullet but I want to say, don’t give up on yourself. Keep fighting! Life is better without gambling!!

[lizbeth4]

Feeling low! Gambling thoughts are running through my head. I’ve encountered a MAJOR financial setback which will impact me during the months of December and January. That’s what happens when you don’t read contracts thoroughly.
There’s no out for this situation!! I do know that gambling will only make things worse. But isn’t it ironic how the addicted brain returns to what has caused us so much pain?? I should be a pro by now on how to juggle my bills when needed but there’s no juggling as I’ve committed to my debts. Thinking, thinking!

[Emma8]

Use the drive you have to gamble and turn it to something else. December and January are still over a month away. Is there anything you could do now that would help your finances and give you a positive boost at the same time? Maybe even something simple like selling some unwanted things on Ebay or something? 

I’m so pleased that you recognise that gambling will only make things worse. Imagine yourself on Christmas day looking back and thanking you for staying away from it. Yes it’s been a tough month financially, but aren’t you glad you kept the money you did have safe for the things that are most important?

[Steev]

Do you really know that to be true?

You said thinking, thinking – but if your brain thinks this – then there is no way forward.

I know one of my faults is to think I know it all and not ask for help when I need it, (something I am still working on.)  My feeling is that if your creditors feel you are struggling and you are in danger of defaulting they would give you some wriggle room for a couple of months.  That it might be useful to talk to a debt advisor or financial expert to see if there is something that you haven’t thought of that will help.

You know that gambling will not help – you know not to go there.  Keep strong.

[lizbeth4]

Without going into detail, my income will be affected for 2 months. I obviously didn’t read or remember this detail when I retired some time ago. I will have to try and work with some creditors during this intrium. I have a few items that I can sell. It will help a little.
I’m not in a good place right now as both my Granddaughter and I have been sick with colds and confined to home. This too shall pass.
Gambling thoughts are still swirling but I’m not acting upon them. I cant!!

[vera]

DON’T DO IT!!!

[lizbeth4]

Although I’m still experiencing gambling thoughts, I’m not going to act upon them! I’m still working out a plan in my head. I’ve been in tighter spots and made it through. This is just a temporary situation. Again, I’ve ended up in a spot where I’m not prepared. Seems to be a pattern and is something that I need to address!!
Coincidently, my old boss at the bank cleaning job, text me yesterday morning , offering me my old job back. I thought about it for awhile and had to turn it down. Although it would have relieved my financial mess , there’s no way that I can work 6 nights a week while tending after my Granddaughter. I will also be on SS soon and I can only make a certain amount of money per year. I had to contend with the snow last winter and that became a hassle also while getting to and from work. I don’t have my 4 wheel drive as my Daughter is still car less.
My Daughter should be here today. She and I need to have a talj as she isn’t progressing with her plans. It’s easy to get stuck.
So, NO, I’M NOT GOING TO GAMBLE! I KNOW IT WILL ONLY MAKE MATTERS WORSE! I’M HANGING ON!

[lizbeth4]

I wrote a long post and lost it! Ugh. My Daughter and her Boyfriend are here. My Granddaughter likes him. I’m so happy.
We are still battling colds. UGH!!
I will know more about my financial mess on Tuesday via a phone interview with SS! I’m not sure how this is going to affect my pension or my survivors pension. All I know is that my income will be reduced by nearly $900 starting in December. I can tighten my belt and my Daughter is going to send the original amount agreed upon monthly. This should get me through the interim until this is all sorted.
I haven’t gambled. I can’t make matters worse.
I have no savings as I have been spending on house projects, ect… That too will need to change!
Finishing my hot tea then I’m cleaning the storage room. Time to donate. Maybe I will find a few items to sell.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter left yesterday to return to work. I accomplished my purging of the storage shed.
I’m on pins and needles this morning about my financial future. It is what it is! Right? I’ve never been smart or good with money. That’s one of my biggest downfalls. I’ve been overly generous also even when I couldn’t afford to be. Really, really, need to work on my financial smarts!
I haven’t thought of gambling the last few days. Yeah!
I’m a over thinker and I tend to think the worse of situations. Hopefully, the outcome today won’t be as bad as I’m imagining.

[lizbeth4]

I received a call from SS. My benifits will be the full amount. No cuts! My pension will be $800 less starting in December and my SS check won’t start till the middle of Febuary. I will have to adjust, budget for 2 1/2 months. My Daughter has asked for longer runs so she can pay me the full amount that we had agreed upon monthly.
Through this, I haven’t gambled. I’ve been able to ride out the urges. Nothing good will happen if I gamble.
This is just another bump in the rode. I’ve been through worse.

[lizbeth4]

I’m still gamble free! Honestly, it’s been a hard couple of weeks! But so far, so good!!!
I’ve realized one thing, I need to start building a savings account once I get through to the end of February! I need to change the way that I think about money. I still don’t value it.
I’ve made a big dent in my debts and I need to keep doing that! I will achieve my goal of being debt free at the end of 2020!
Bills can be juggled and I can go into budget mode to get through this but I need to change my thoughts on the whole PICTURE.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth

You have done very well getting your thinking straight even with this unexpected hiccough with your finances.

Changing a ‘whole’ picture at once can be intimidating. Break the picture down into smaller manageable pieces that you know you can achieve and allow the whole picture to become clear gradually. .

Terrific positive post Lizbeth -well done

Velvet

[Emma8]

Hi lizbeth,

I was just reading through your posts there and wondered, have you ever come across Dave Ramsey before? He opened my eyes to budgeting and emergency funds and I feel like his guidance may be of some help to you. He has a book but you can also find his tips across the internet and he has a YouTube channel. It is probably worth a look

[Emma8]

Hi lizbeth,

I was just reading through your posts there and wondered, have you ever come across Dave Ramsey before? He opened my eyes to budgeting and emergency funds and I feel like his guidance may be of some help to you. He has a book but you can also find his tips across the internet and he has a YouTube channel. It is probably worth a look

[lizbeth4]

Velvet, great advice. I need to break down things. Sometimes it’s hard when trying to look at the whole PICTURE! Emma, I love Dave Ramsey and I’ve read many of his books. I’ve applied his techniques to help pay down my debts. I totally agree on his emergency fund advice. That is my goal once I’ve been through this financial bump in February.

[lizbeth4]

The afternoon was spent at the park. I’ve decided to not stress over my income shortage. I’ve given it over to my higher power although I have some plans to put into action. I haven’t been thinking of gambling either. I think because I’ve put my mind to rest and I refuse to keep worring!

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t gambled! Tomorrow is my yearly physical. I look at the things I am grateful for: good health, healthy children and Grandchildren, good friends, a roof over my head. No more self sabotaging! I want the rest of my life to be the best of my life!

[lizbeth4]

Still gamble free!!!! I’ve had a few urges but they didn’t last long. My Grandson was here for 3 days. We had a fun time! It made me realize how fast time flies as he is almost 14 years old. My goal is still to be debt free by the end of 2020! I’m compiling a list of places I will be traveling to. And I’m planning and bringing together my dreams! So exciting!
I know that gambling will only destroy my dreams! I have nothing to complain about. I will get through the 2months while I transition to SS! Ive been through worse. Every problem has a solution.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Time goes far too fast for me too.
You are doing fantastically and building a wonderful gamble-free life.
Great post, you are inspirational
Your grandchildren are lucky to have you in their lives
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Velvet, I couldn’t live the gambling life anymore. It was too exhasting mentally and physically. Life is more than that.
RG, I think of you often and I hope that you can find your peace. I know you can do this! I’m always in your corner.
I’m ready for more than surviving! I just need to stay my path and plans and I will see results. My traveling dreams are at my fingertips. I’m ready! No turning back!

[lizbeth4]

I had some devastating news tonight concerning a loved one. I’ve cried, prayed and even had a glass of wine, although I rarely drink. I will be supportive and present for her.
The breakthrough and positive take from this is that I didn’t think about GAMBLING. That was always my fall back instead of dealing with my feelings. I’m really sad right now for what she is facing.

[lizbeth4]

Thank you RG for your kind and supportive words. My head is still spinning. I can feel the anxiety rising inside of myself. I have to remain calm so I can be supportive. I try to find the positives in times like this. I can be present for this person. She will need all the support she can get!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks RG for your caring post and for bringing me back up to the top. All the test results aren’t in yet for my youngest Daughter. The first diagnosis was ruled out after some testing. Thank goodness! But we are still on pins and needles waiting to see what’s wrong with her. I just keep praying. God has been so good to me. Monday, we will know more.
I have felt so stressed. I’m trying to take care of myself but I seem to have no time for myself. I’ve resorted to taking a antacid as my stomach is a mess.
I’m here and present. Not gambling. Trying to keep it together!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth,
May I echo RG’s words about your strengths and attributes as a person, a mother, grandmother and daughter. Your ability to love and give is boundless.
I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a stressful and painful time. I will be praying that the results are what you hope to hear. It is a small blessing at this time that you don’t have the added stress of gambling in your life, and this is down to your hard work and the efforts you have made.

My Prayer and thoughts are with you Lisbeth
Take the best care you can of you during this uncertain time
XX

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter stayed for 3 days and hit the road again. She is working in state and will receive her test results via phone today. She has found some pain relief from over the counter meds recommended by her Doctor. The Dr has ruled out some of the more devastating results of her symptoms. Now it is a waiting game for the final diagnosis.
I’m so happy that through all of this that I’ve been gamble free and present for my Daughter and Granddaughter.
We had a Pajama day before my Daughter left. We watched movies and ate snacks. We did nothing but hang out together and played with the little one. No worries just a peaceful day!
During this, my Mother tried to start issues with me . Basically, she was gossiping about something my oldest Daughter said to her but was putting her twisted thoughts into it. It was aimed at me and very hurtful. I squished it quickly. I don’t understand why others have to be so negative and try to bring others down! I have no time for It!
I want my world to be peaceful and happy. I just don’t have time for the negatively and meanness.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter was diagnosed with something that can be treated with medication. She needs to follow a healthier diet, ect… She’ll have to find a way to incorporate this into her hectic job situation.
Again, during the mist of this, a family member started chaos and issues. Nothing new for me, right? I’d had enough and told her to stop messaging me and to stay out of my business! She apologized and stopped! I’m totally done with the negativity and B.S.
Life is too short!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still gamble free!! Although life isn’t perfect, I’m now able to deal with things more clearly and accept the bumps in the road without escaping into gambling! It’s such a great feeling!
There is life without gambling! As the holidays are approaching, I’m planning fun activities for my family especially for the Grandkids! No turning back now! It’s not worth it!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve had a few gambling thoughts. I’m not acting upon them as I finally realize the final consquences aren’t worth it!! My life is far from perfect but it’s pretty good. Relish the little things as they become the cherished memories! Life is short.

[Steev]

I guess gambling thoughts are inevitable when life is difficult – because that is what we used to do to block out the stuff that we find difficult.  But all gambling does is block stuff out – it doesn’t solve anything.

Another thing I have become aware of is that a gambling thought – might last a few minutes or even an hour or two …  However if I act on those thoughts and start to gamble again – then I will be dealing with the consequences for days, months or even years.  It’s just not worth it.

Remember the serenity prayer and stay strong!

[vera]

….can lead to gambling actions, Lizbeth. I only wish you could see what gambling has done to me in the last 6 months. I don’t recognize myself.

PLEASE do not inflict that destruction on yourself. As we get older, the attempt to recover becomes more difficult. Gambling solves none of Life’s problems.

It actually creates Hell on Earth.

[kin]

Once gambling takes over, it can only cause the pain to be 10 times more painful, any trouble to be 10 times bigger.

It has come to steal, rob and destroy any inner peace, freedom and joy we have.

[lizbeth4]

Thank you all for your wise words. I’m still gamble free!!! The thoughts about the consquences of gambling keeps stopping me from gambling. Also, I’m very busy with my Granddaughter. She is almost fully potty trained. She’ll be ready for part time preschool once she turns 3 years old.
We’ve decorated our Christmas tree. Next week we will make some cookies and I will make some pumpkin bread. I’m really enjoying the Christmas season. Maybe it’s because I have a little one here to share it with.
I’ve kept on my Christmas budget and managed to put a little into my savings. This will help the next 1 1/2 months till my SS kicks in!
Life is a lot less stressful when you’re not GAMBLING!

[lizbeth4]

I’m not gambling and I haven’t had strong urges lately! Although I’ve been under the weather, some kind of virus, We’ve made Christmas cookies and I have all of the presents bought and wrapped.
I remember the Christmases that I was scrambling at the last minute buying gifts, usually on credit and the stress as I was actively gambling!
Life is more simple and easy now! I’m forever grateful that I’m living the life that I deserve!

[vera]

You were on my mind a lot lately, Liz
My thoughts ran like this…Success in recovery is not just about having barriers and resisting urges it is about saying no to ourselves.
When the thought arises we can either resist or succumb.
Once we put that thought into action, there is no turning back.
So the bottom line (in my thoughts) is that you are not a strong or weak person. You are an unselfish person, Liz.
That trait affects every aspect of our lives.
Self gratification can be overcome through practice.
Our vices can be become our virtues .
You are a clear example of that.
You have my admiration.
God bless!

[lizbeth4]

I was just posting on my thread when I saw your post. Thank you Vera for the kind words. I think of you and others here often also. I am truly grateful and feel so blessed that I have met such remarkable people here. I have used a lot of the valuable information and advice I’ve received here to implement changes in my life. This has not only helped my aspects on gambling but also on life!
Today, I’m finishing off my grocery shopping for Christmas. I’ve even managed to do some baking. My Granddaughter loved decorating cookies! I can’t believe that everything else is finished and that I can enjoy the holidays.
My Daughter will be here this evening. I will have a few days to relax a little. We will be taking her back to the city as I will be keeping my car. I’m thankful for my Mother and neighbors helping me out with getting groceries, ect…but I need my independence back. We will pick up and take my Daughter to work till she can purchase a decent car.
We have plans on driving around looking at the Christmas light displays and are going out to dinner for my birthday.
I know this may sound corny but I feel the happiest I’ve been in years. It feels good!

[Seanraj4731]

Hello i read your journal and i admire your strong will to be GF. Thank you. 

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth,
It doesn’t sound corny at all- you deserve to feel happy and you have worked hard to remain gamble free. It is good to have be prepared and not have the awful stress of past Christmases.
I hope you have the best Christmas ever xx

[lizbeth4]

Merry Christmas to everyone! Our early celebration went well. My Granddaughter was so excited and she has a lot of new toys to play with. We took my Daughter back to the city today. We had lunch at a kids venue and my Granddaughter was able to get on rides and play games. A first for her as our little town has none. My Daughter is already back on the road. It rained all the way to the city and back home. We encountered a lot of fog. I’m so glad to be home. Snow is in the forecast for the next 4 days. My oldest Daughter and Grandson are arriving on the 26th. My life is less complicated and overwhelming now that I am gamble free. I was able to enjoy the holidays without the added burden of money issues due to gambling. I’m so grateful!

[i-did-it]

What a great end to the year Lizbeth – I remember us both writing about how we followed the same pattern of relapsing, feeling horrible and starting again – just look at us now – gamble free and ready for Christmas and the New Year.

I hope your Christmas is wonderful xx

[lizbeth4]

My life is so full! I’m so happy that gambling isn’t a part of it. I celebrated my birthday recently with a nice dinner which included a dear friend. Very simple but full of good memories!
My temporary money shortage for a month and 1/2 starting in Janurary has been solved as I’ve re-budgeted and I will be able to get through. Something that would never have been possible if I was gambling.
Life is worth living it to the fullest! No more relapses !!

[Steev]

SO glad that you have been able to solve the cash flow problem as I know what a worry that was for you.  Good to read such positive posts.  I wish you well for Christmas and the New Year!

[lizbeth4]

I’m happy that you had a wonderful Christmas! My oldest Daughter and Grandson will be here tomorrow for a few days. It snowed today, so my Granddaughter and I spent the day inside playing with her new toys.
I’m looking forward to your new thread. Take care!

[lizbeth4]

More snow today! My oldest Daughter and Grandson are here until tomorrow. Having a great time! Enjoying my Grandchildren! No gambling in the picture. Life is good! I hope that everyone’s Christmas was awesome!

[lizbeth4]

I’m so excited about the new year! I have goals, plans that I will be working on. Last night was spent with friends. The bash was at my house. Good food but little alcohol as I don’t drink much. No one that attended gambles.
I haven’t had urges or thoughts. Just living life! It feels good!

[vera]

Just touching base to wish you and your family every blessing and good wish for the New Year/Decade, Lizbeth.
You have come a long way in recovery.
Thank God!

[lizbeth4]

I am totally thankful everyday that I’m not gambling! I’ve really changed last year. From the pain of gambling, I have learned so much about myself. I have such high hopes for this new year. I can’t wait to see how it unfolds!

[lizbeth4]

My friend (the 1st person that I met 6 years ago when I moved to a new town) had a brain anyresum and is brain dead. She is in hospice and doesn’t have much time left on this earth. I’m going tomorrow morning to say good bye to her. I’m heartbroken and sad!
Thank goodness that my Granddaughter is here with me. Otherwise, I think that I would go on a BIG GAMBLING BINGE!

[Steev]

My condolences on your loss of a dear friend.  It is so difficult to find words at a time like this. It brings up memories for me of the loss of people close to me.  I know how painful that is – but I also know that you will move on from it, looking after your loved ones like your granddaughter.

I know when my marriage ended I wanted to go on a gambling binge even though I had been gf for around 5 years.  But I thought – I am in pain now … why would I want to put myself through more pain?  So I got as much support as I could from friends, counselling, chat rooms etc and eventually got through. 

I will be thinking of you tomorrow.  Go well.

[lizbeth4]

I said good bye to my friend this morning. It was very hard to see her lying there brain dead. I choose to remember the fun times we had together!
Gambling isn’t the answer to anything! I won’t go down that path.
I’m going to enjoy the afternoon at the park with my Granddaughter!

[lizbeth4]

My friend is still clinging to life! She’s in a vegetative state with no hope for recovery. My heart is so heavy with sadness.
I haven’t gambled but I’ve thought about it! Gambling has always been what I’ve turned to to cope with things. Crazy, right? But now I’m having to cope reality and deal with it like a adult.
I’ve tried to find the positives of my friend’s immedent death. Live for now. Make the best of everyday. Do things that you’ve been reluctant to try. We only hold ourselves back from things out of fear and the unknown.
I’m hoping that my friend crosses over soon. She deserves peace!

[lizbeth4]

My friend passed last night. It’s still hard to believe that she is gone. I’m remembering all the good times that we had.
I haven’t used gambling as my coping tool. I’ve let myself cry and grieve. Preparing to go to the city in a few days for my Grandsons 14th birthday party! Focusing on the positives.

[Steev]

My thoughts are with you. 

I found that grief came in waves – and sometimes was really hard to bear.  But remembering the good times that you had with that person never leaves you.   I wouldn’t want to blot that out .. so remembering and smiling at the memories through the tears.  Keep strong – know you have support here if you need it.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been real emotional today! Remembering the good times. As with my Husband and other family members, their deaths were expected due to diseases. This was unexpected.
I gambled off and on for a long time after my Husband died. I’m proud of myself for not going off the deep end. Gambling is the furthest thing from my mind!

[Seanraj4731]

Sorry to read abt your friend passing. Thankful you are doing well stay on course. Focus on the good memories you shared with your friend and leave out all the rest. Stay strong. Enjoy life and have a wonderful time with your grandson at his birthday party. Awesome is life GF.

[lizbeth4]

When I think about my friend, I have to smile! I’m sure that she is already making new friends on the other side!! That’s who she was. She was the first person I met when I moved here 6 years ago. It was like we knew each other for ever. I’ll miss her!
RG, I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. My Mother is in her 80’s and I already see changes both physically and mentally. I’m right down the street from her, so I can pop in anytime.
Yes, my little earth angel has a lot to do with me being GF! It will be 1 year in March that she’s been with me. My Daughter has had some set backs and isn’t where she wants to be yet financially so my Granddaughter will stay here with me. Remember when I said that I didn’t know if I could do this for a year? Well, I can and I love it!
I’m still seeing the benefits of being GF! In May, I will be another $600 richer every month. More credit cards paid off! I’m on course to being debt free (only having living expenses) by the end of 2020!! Unbelievable! I never thought that I would do it!!

[lizbeth4]

I’m proud of You! Whether it’s day 1 or day 30, it’s progress! We both know how hard this journey is. Just don’t give up! I failed and failed over and over but like you, I didn’t give in. There is life without gambling.
I’ve thought of my friend daily but then I smile as I know that she is already making new friends on the other side. She’s laughing and having fun. That’s her personality.
Going to the city today for my Grandsons 14th birthday party. I embrace everyday now. I live in the present.
Gambling thoughts haven’t surfaced although I’d prepared myself for them. I’m working through my sadness in a positive, constructive way!
Looking back and forward, my financial mess was overwhelming. Know it’s doable and diminishing! It feels good to see progress.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth very sorry to hear about your friend and yes you are right she is making friends on the other side already and having fun, really nice to see you are doing well, gambling kills us, destroys us and there is no good to come of it, take care lizbeth and look after yourself, hope this finds you well and speak soon.

Maverick

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
I am so sorry for your loss, but I am also relieved it read that you are facing your grief and staying with it rather than escaping to gambling as we have done so often in the past.

Grief is hard but we will eventually learn to live with our loss – gambling doesn’t take away our pain but allows us to escape for a short while and we find ourselves in far more pain.

I hope you enjoyed your grandson’s birthday party – I cannot believe he is 14 !

Hang in there Lizbeth – you are doing so well xx

[lizbeth4]

My Grandson’s birthday party was awesome! I can’t believe that her is 14 years old either. He is a great kid, sweet and sensitive. My Granddaughter was pooped out by the time we came home.
It’s hard facing sadness, ect…but more healthy. I used to mask my feelings and keep things bottled up inside of myself. Not using gambling as a crutch is freeing.

[Seanraj4731]

So happy that you had great moments shared with love ones and relatives friends. Enjoy life great moments now you are GF. Free in mind and spirit be kind to yourself. Lets joy and happiness flow through you.

Stay positive abt life

[lizbeth4]

My friend’s obituary was in today’s newspaper. Although it made me sad, seeing her smiling face (pic) brought a smile to my face.
We went to the park today. I put the little one in ther stroller and walked, 4 miles round trip. I’ve put on some weight and now I’m working on that!!! Make progress not excuses!
I’m not dependent on gambling anymore but it’s easy to find replacements if you are not careful.
I want to be the best me that I can be!
My youngest Daughter will be here in 9 days for her 3 day break. I intend to get some yard work done while she is here but I will make some me time also. Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

I’m in a weird place in my head. Having gambling urges. This last week has been difficult. My friend’s celebration of life gathering is at the end of this month. I ran into a mutual aquintance at the store, she put on this act that the 2 were great friends. Not the case at all. So fake! I really don’t know why I let it bother me soo much.
My Daughter is here and that’s kind of strange as my Granddaughter doesn’t let me out of sight for very long. I know it’s usually just she and I. I encouraged them to go to the park everyday without me. Tomorrow she goes back to work.
I feel so old today. I’m very tired and worn out. I have some things on my to do list but it’s not going to happen.
Tomorrow is a new day!

[Steev]

I don’t know if you feel you are being looked after by someone but as a carer you also need to be cared for.  If there isn’t anyone then please look after yourself.  Treat yourself to something, get good rest and find a way to let off some steam. 

The urges will pass – keep strong!

[lizbeth4]

I do put myself last. I’m going to schedule a long overdue mani and pedi! I have to remember self care. I will ask my neighbor to watch my Granddaughter. I haven’t gambled! My Daughter has gone back to the city and work. We won’t see her again for 4 weeks.
I think a few things are triggering my gambling urges. Among them the 7 year anniversary of my Husband’s death is approaching.
I’m working through sad feelings, ect…

[lizbeth4]

Feeling a bit sad as my friend’s celebration of life gathering is this afternoon. Remembering all of the good times and how silly we would get when we were together. We had a lot of laughs. I will focus on that today!!
I haven’t had any gambling thoughts or urges today! So, that’s a good thing!!! Remember, the urges do come and go and sometimes at the weirdest times. Just work through them. They will pass! I do believe that you get stronger with every urge that you get through! Stay strong.
Tomorrow is my 9 year anniversary of my heart attack and stent placement. I am thankful for everyday!!!

[Seanraj4731]

I am thankful to read that all is well with your soul. God is good. Stay Bless and each moment that youre alive give thanks.

Continue to seek positive affirmation daily. keep writing on your progress.

Be positive and yes focus only on the goodness of the life you spent with the memories of your dear departed let the moments you enjoy be cherished forever in your heart, be encourage to help other in their time of need,

You are an a amazing person

Live love and laugh

[lizbeth4]

My friends celebration was nice. I’m so glad that I attended. Today was rough as my Granddaughter was out of sorts all day. Even our park time didn’t go well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Being GF has been amazing! I’ve been able to make plans and long term goals that I know will happen! I appreciate my friendships more. Gambling isn’t my priority anymore!
Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

Today, gambling thoughts emerged as always with family issues. My Mother and Sister had a falling out 10 months ago. Neither one has talked to the other since. I’ve stayed neutral but my Mother has tried to bad mouth my Sister to me and has tried to tell me things my Sister has supposedly said about me. I’ve squashed it!
Today my Sister called to tell me that she loves me but she will be talking to our Mother again. My Mother sent the most horrible letter to her. OMG!
We suffered so much mental abuse as children and my Mom continues to this day to be a hurtful and manipulative person.
I have minimal contact with her. Very sad as I live 4 blocks from her. I feel obligated to check in on her, ect…which usually causes me much anxiety.
The gambling urges disapated. I worked through them. I can’t let others actions impact me in negative ways.

[lizbeth4]

I’m still gamble free!!! Don’t ever give up on yourself!! I struggle sometimes but I’m able to work through my feelings and I keep thinking of the consquences. I don’t want to go back to the beginning of my journey again!
Things are going well. I’ve been talking to many parents while we are at the park and I’ve been recommended 2 preschools. My Daughter will be here the end of the month, so we can visit both of them. My Granddaughter is so ready for it. I’m going to focus on myself while she is at school. I’m going to start walkimg again. I’m going to start getting my mani and pedis again. Maybe a facial once in awhile!
Looking forward to some me time. Self care!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still gamble free! I don’t take 1 second of it for granted. This journey has been hard but as I’ve said before, it’s taught me soo many lessons. I’ve repaid another debt. I’m on course to being debt free by the end of 2020!! My mind is clear and free from the worry from the debts related to gambling. It’s freeing! My relationships are stronger as I am here, present.
My next door neighbor suffered a stroke yesterday and was air lifted to the city. His prognosis isn’t good.
I know that life as you know it can change in a second. Embrace each day and live it to the fullest!

[Emma8]

It’s so wonderful to hear that you are making such brilliant progress! Having a debt leftover from gambling can be a sore reminder of what you’ve been through, I know the feeling too well, so paying it all off completely will be such a freeing experience.

I’m so sorry to hear about your neighbour. It is scary to know that these things can happen without warning.

[lizbeth4]

I’m grateful for how far I’ve come with my gambling addiction. It’s been a lot of hard work but it does feel good to see the positive outcomes.
Today has been another sad day. My neighbor has massive brain damage and now swelling of the brain. He is being moved to hospice. I’m sick of all the recent dying around me. It’s very depressing!
It certainly makes one think about their own mortality. It makes me more appreciative of everyone in my life.
Went to the park today as we are expecting rain and snow this weekend. My Granddaughter was out of sorts. Maybe she’s picking up on my sad feelings. I need to work through this!

[lizbeth4]

I was in a dark place yesterday. I could feel myself going into a deep depression. I finally rationalized that death is inevitable for all of us and that it is out of our control I am close to the girlfriend of my neighbor who is dying. I nsed to be strong for her.
It rained all day Very gloomy! My Granddaughter and I stayed in our pajamas and just played and ate junk today. I needed a fun day to take my mind off of things.
Pretty soon my Granddaughter will be going to preschool. I can start my walking regime again and start my garden and finish a few home improvement projects I’ve started.
Things are feeling normal again without gambling in my life

[lizbeth4]

My neighbor friend died Saturday night. I will remember him for his kindness.
I’m mentally drained. I am very aware that my relapses have occurred when I’m drained or stressed.
I’m picking up my Daughter in the city, Thursday morning. We are taking my Granddaughter to the Zoo before coming home.
Have plans of getting our hair trimmed today and picking up some groceries. As it rained all weekend, there will be no park time until everything dries out.

[lizbeth4]

OMG! This last week has been challenging! I opened a email and my phone was hacked. The scammers got into my bank account. What a mess! I’ve frozen and changed accounts, passwords, ect… still dealing with issues. Money was stolen but the bank doesn’t consider it fraud but a scam, so I’m out the money. It could have been worse! I’ve put safeguards on my phone but my phone is so outdated I need to purchase a new one!
I haven’t gambled !
My Granddaughter started preschool and loves it!!
This too shall pass!

[Steev]

Awful that your bank account has been hacked.  I know I worry about it as I bank on-line which is very convenient for me whilst I am travelling, but I am aware that I am vulnerable because I am out of the country where my bank is, most of the time.

I hope you have been able to sort things out and that not too much damage was done.

Great that you were able to keep calm and sort it – and didn’t feel the need to blot it out of your mind by gambling!

It sounds like your Granddaughter is growing up and is enjoying what life is giving her.  Make the most of your time with her … it is precious. 

[lizbeth4]

The bank damage was $800. It could have been worse. It just angered me that someone took my hard earned money! But when I was feeding the machines at the casino, I never blinked twice!!! I’m still changing my auto pays, ect… It’s getting sorted out. I’m going to update my phone also. No online banking again till everything has been done!

[lizbeth4]

I’m happy to say that I’m still gamble free! I haven’t had any gambling thoughts or urges recently! I’ve come a long, long way!! I’ve learned a lot through my recovery process. I’m still not done cleaning up my recent scam event. But I’m getting there! It was a blimp in my plans but I will recover. My Granddaughter loves preschool! I’m very impressed with the quality of care and the activities that are offered. I’m back on track towards my goals for 2020. I will be debt free. I will get home projects finished. I will take small road trips! Life is full of blimps !! But how we handle them matters. I won’t get discouraged and backslide as I’ve done in the past!

[lizbeth4]

We’re still congested and coughing. It’s still raining and damp which I don’t think is helping the situation. I’m going to enlist a online shopping app for grocery delivery this weekend. No going out. Hopefully by Monday we will be better.
My oldest Daughters boyfriend called today. He works in a grocery stores and said he could bring up supplies if I couldn’t get them here. A lot of shelves are empty here and only 1 store has placed buying limits on certain items. This is getting a little scary! The panic is getting out of hand. Our library, local museum, tourism center, ect..have closed till the end of the month.
I was wondering how our local casino was faring. How many people are venturing There? It would be interesting to know.

[Monica1]

Thank you so much for your post on my thread. I think the temptation to distract at the casino from the surreal situation going on with corona will be high for many but not for us. I think the damp weather and flooding we have had most of the winter has contributed greatly to flus and viruses. I hope you recover soon, it is lingering with me too.

[lizbeth4]

I’m happy to hear that you are not gambling! I think that Im past my 1 year anniversary!! Whoohoo!!
We are still sick. I kept my Granddaughter home today. It’s raining and we are expecting 3-5 inches of snow tonight.
It’s a crazy world right now! People are so rude and pushy. I couldn’t find any loaves of bread today. A lot of shelves are bare.
RG, thank goodness that we aren’t gambling! I had money for supplies. I’m not a hoarder either but we have plenty to help us through this tough time. I’ve even parted with some toilet paper as there is none in town and one of our nursing homes was out.
The local casino here keeps advertising on FB that they are opened. Oh my, just a breeding ground for germs besides other things.

[lizbeth4]

So, things have changed a bit here! The casino and many businesses have shut down. 2 restaurants are still opened. Many are offering curbside or delivery. State of emergency was declared in my State! I wasn’t scared at first but I’m getting a uneasy feeling now!
We still have a lingering cough and are both fatigued. 2 weeks of being ill but neither one of us fir the Coronavirus symptoms. I bought a humidifier online and it seems to be helping us. My Granddaughter is napping everyday.
I have 3 options here for grocieres. I ordered online for curbside pick up tomorrow afternoon. That way I can keep us away from too many people. Also, no more preschool till this all passes.
I hope everyone is doing well. Hang in there!

[lizbeth4]

We are almost at 100% Tomorrow will be week 3 for us. We are taking naps, and going to bed early every night! Ugh! Tired of being sick!

[i-did-it]

Sorry to read you have been unwell but really delighted to read you have gone over a year gamble free- wow !! Well done!

I think I was stuck in a crazy cycle for the first six months and didn’t realise you had stopped for so long. It is really uplifting news Lizbeth.

The Corona virus is so frightening – more frightening than any of those storms we dread- but at least we don’t have the stress of gambling to add to it.

I hope you and your granddaughter get better soon xx

[lizbeth4]

Yep! Over 1 year gamble free! I will be debt free at the end of this year! I would never have imagined that it would be possible. I’m saving up for a new roof and then I’m replacing all of my old appliance and investing in new flooring for my entire home!!! It’s so exciting to see plans come together!
My Daughter will be here tomorrow. We are celebrating my Granddaughter’s 3rd birthday on Saturday. I’ve asked that the presents be outdoors toys!!! We can play all summer outside.
Her preschool is AWESOME! Hopefully she can return in April.
Good news is that we are both feeling better this morning. It’s been a long 3 weeks!!

[lizbeth4]

We pulled off my Granddaughter’s 3rd birthday party! Only a few of us there but she had fun! My youngest Daughter bought a nice economical car so I won’t have to travel to the city and back to get her. She also started express runs so she can be home more. So things are looking up!
We are still self isolating and trying to get over our illnesses. Hope everyone is doing well!

[Monica1]

Yes, this bug thing lasts a long time, I am still getting over mine too three weeks later but most of it has gone. Glad you managed to have a nice time at party. Here no more than two are allowed to gather together. How did u manage that?

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter and my Mother were here for my Granddaughter’s 3rd birthday. My Granddaughter and I have been self isolating for over 3 weeks now.

[vera]

..to your granddaughter, Lizbeth.
I “broke the rules”too by bringing my son and his 8 and a half month pregnant G F here. They needed a bit of hurdle help.
Sometimes we have to think outside the box. None of us have a cold or a sniffle, thank God.
I hope and pray this comes to an end sooner rather than later.

[lizbeth4]

Yes, I did make a exception as it was my Granddaughter’s birthday. Now we are in self isolation again. We are good for over a week on groceries. Then I will order online and pick up.
RG, Yes, 3 years old already! A very smart little girl. We are playing in the backyard a little everyday! The fresh air is good.
Take care everyone and stay well!

[lizbeth4]

I’m almost feeling at 100% after being sick for 1 month. My Granddaughter’s ear is better also. We went for a short walk this morning. We saw one other person in the distance.
I’m glad that online gambling was never my thing as I am bored. I’ve cleaned, done yard work, ect…. I guess I will get my garden beds ready for planting.
I’m hoping that we can resume our normalcy by May, 1st…
I haven’t been able to order my groceries as they are backed up 7 days! A acquaintance of mine, her Daughter has done my shopping for me for a small fee. I don’t want to take my Granddaughter out. So this works!

[lizbeth4]

I was able to order grocieres online and pick them up yesterday curbside. We are hunkering down for the next 2 weeks as the Coronavirus is supposed to peak resulting in more deaths. I found someone who makes masks and I was able to buy 1 for my Granddaughter and 1 for myself. UGH. I’m tired of this!!
I have Easter basket stuff and eggs and a coloring kit! We will be able to have a Easter egg hunt this Sunday!!!
Hanging in there like everyone else! This is a eye opener! I’m grateful for a lot of things that I take for granted! I wake up every day with a roof over my head and food and money to purchase our essentials. We are healthy again!!!
I made a nice dinner yesterday and shared with a neighbor via leaving it at her door. She recently lost her boyfriend. She was so appreciative. Sometimes it’s the little things that brighten up someone’s day!
I know that when this pandemic is over that I am volunteering at a charitable organization in town. The outpouring of support from the citizens and organizations in my small town has been inspiring. No one is going hungry and people are pitching in to help each other. We will get through this!
Stay safe and healthy everyone!

[Monica1]

Well done on finding on line food, there is nothing available here. I am pleased that fortuitously before this thing kicked off I had registered with an organic food site, although they dont have a lot left I get a weekly veg and fruit box.
That was a lovely thing to do for your neighbour. These things ***** in the good deed box. And how lovely that you can have some sort of a celebration of Easter. I too am grateful for food, a roof, a job and being able to work from home. These are blessings that many people don’t have right now.

[lizbeth4]

So, I’m hanging in there like everyone else! My Daughter just left for work. Yes, I’m allowing her to come here every 2 weeks to see her Daughter for a couple days. She has a specific driving route now and only goes to 1 stop in 1 state. She is taking precautions. It was a decision that I had to truly think hard about!
We celebrated Easter while she was here and my Granddaughter had 3 Easter egg hunts! In fact, we are having more today!
I’m trying not to just sit idle. My property is weed free and my garden area is ready for planting. I’m looking online for seeds!!
Have a great weekend everyone!

[lizbeth4]

Just finished ordering vegetable seeds for my garden. I’ve ordered 2 types of tomatoes, cucumber, rainbow carrots (as my Granddaughter loves them), squash and salad mix lettuce! I have existing strawberry plants, peach and green apple trees! Gardenimg is like therapy for me and gives me pleasure. It’s something that my Granddaughter and I can share.
I’m wondering if the world as I know it will be the same after the Coronavirus is over? Will I look at things the same way? It’s the beginning of week 8 in my self isolation journey. Days start to blend together and I have to check my phone sometimes to see if I’m right on what day it is. It has been easier than I thought being with a 3 year old during self isolation. We have a routine down and for the most part it’s been quite enjoyable!
My bank account is growing as I am keeping my online shopping to a minimum! I am happy as this is my house improvement fund! I look at money differently now and I value it more!
Many things have changed along with my gambling sobriety. Good changes!!! I’m happier and more content also. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time getting to this point. Better late than never.

[lizbeth4]

RG, thanks for your post! I use organic dirt and add my compost to it! It works for me! I have raised beds also. Just keep trying! Sometimes I have plants that don’t mature. Some seeds are old and don’t mature. Last year I didn’t plant a garden as I had my Granddaughter and couldn’t find the time. It’s a daily thing, watering, pulling out unwanted weeds and grass but when you see your plants breaking the soil, all of your hard work will pay off.
As for the economy, I’m worried! Our President is bailing out many companies including cruise lines but refuses to help the company that I retired from. My Husband and I have a combined 59 years of service. Without that pension, my living situation won’t be the same. I ***** on that check! I have thought of my OPTIONS! It’s good to have options but to sell my house and move to a more affordable area (city) would be sad. But sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to do. Of course, as long as I have my family, it would work!
So I’m just keeping the faith!!

[lizbeth4]

Yes! My Husband, Step Father, Sister and I worked for the USPS. We had a total of 105 years of service between us.! I’m not going to stress over it! Whatever happens, I will deal.
Our government started depositing stimulus checks today. Whenever I receive mine it will be put into savings. My goal is to safe all that I can!
I’m tired today and a bit down! I guess that may be expected as I’ve been self isolating for 8 weeks, 4 weeks being sick with a sick 3 year old! Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight.
RG, for me it’s all about the soil. I direct sow the seeds. I use a mixture of organic soil and potting soil. I lightly water daily. I will plant the middle of May as the frost temperatures will be over. Plants are more expensive to buy. I don’t have a greenhouse or space in my shed to start seedlings. I’ve had great success with tomatoes and different kinds of squash. I try to add a new veggie every year to see how it does. If something doesn’t grow well or produce a lot, I replace it with something new the next year! Just experiment and enjoy!
Well, it’s time for bed! I’ve dealt with a cranky toddler all day. Tomorrow’s a new day!

[lizbeth4]

Self isolation is challenging!! Going on week 9! My Granddaughter doesn’t understand why she isn’t going yo preschool and the park! I’m keeping her as busy as I can. We have outdoors playtime, ect…
I find myself getting down but I try to remain hopeful! The talk of opening up some of the states is very uncertain and scary to me! I know that precautions will be in place but I’m not jumping right in!
I’m grateful that I can purchase food and essentials. Watching on the news of the long, long lines of people getting help from food banks is humbling!! People still waiting for employment benefits, businesses going under, people waiting for the stimulus check to buy food! It’s all overwhelming to take in!!!
Everything is put into perspective for me. If my pension was to disappear tomorrow, I would find a way to survive!!
I hope that everyone here is staying well. Stay strong!

[lizbeth4]

So, almost into week 10 of self isolation. Hanging in there! The weather is nice so we’ve been playing outside and taking walks! We had pizza delivered today! Tomorrow, we are picking up groceries, curbside. We’ve planted beautiful flowers and tomatoes. My Granddaughter planted sunflower seeds. We water every morning after breakfast. The rest of the,vegetable garden will be planted by the end of the month!
I’m watching the news only in the morning before my Granddaughter awakes. I find too much is overwhelming. So much conflicting information. What to really believe.
I’m sure our normal will not ever be the same! I was reading the local paper and was shocked that our casino, which has been shut down since the middle of March, only paid their works for 2 weeks severance pay. They have laid off most of the 300 employees. With all of the money they pull in, that was sad! Kind of ironic! It’s hard to get unemployment benefits as the system here is overloaded!!! It will take a long time for the economy to bounce back.
One day at a time!

[lizbeth4]

I get what you are saying about the casino workers. I just really hate for anyone to be unemployed now in the US as many are having a hard time just getting their benifits. And many are turning to food banks for help. Its just a sad time!
So, we are waiting for my oldest Daughter and Grandson to arrive for a visit. They have been self isolating also. I’m ready to loosen up a bit on the self isolation. We are going to find a place in the forest for a picnic tomorrow.
RG, I try to be productive as I can find myself starting to go into a depression. The self isolation is hard on the mental health. My Granddaughter keeps me grounded.
My yard is irrupting in beautiful colors. Purple irises, pink roses, orange, red and yellow snap dragons! The wild strawberry plants are blooming and it looks like we are going to have a lot of strawberries this year! Just having my tea in the mornings surrounded by this brightens my day!
I’m entitled to a stimulus check but haven’t received it yet. I’ve decided that some of it will go to one of my local good banks as I have plenty and am blessed in so many ways. It’s time to give back!

[lizbeth4]

My yard and surroundings are my peaceful place! In fact, it was the selling point for me. I’m lucky to live where I do. It was a good choice as real estate prices have risen and I would never be able to purchase a home here now!
We were graced to have 2 elk (known as the brothers in town) hanging out across from my house in a grassy area. My Granddaughter and I sat on the porch and watched them for quite some time.
My youngest Daughter will be here today for the weekend. I will be able to finish a couple of outdoor projects while she is here.
There are some major family issues happening right now. I am praying that things get resolved for everyone concerned. I’m worried and anxious but I know the end result are out of my hands. I pray for the best results and I’m here for those involved!
P.S. My Granddaughter’s sunflower seeds are peeking out of the soil. She is watering them every morning.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Your garden sounds amazing – I am always impressed by your energy and your ability to get things done no matter what life throws at you. Your granddaughter is so lucky to have you guiding her through her early years.

I hope the issue you are worrying about gets sorted out. Keep strong Lizbeth x

[lizbeth4]

THANKS for the post on my thread! Sometimes I’m surprised at my energy level. We are planting our veggie garden this week! Yea!!! I’m having a blast with my Granddaughter. My Grandson is going into high school! Oh My! How time flies! So, playing in the dirt, ect…with my Granddaughter is fun as I know that soon she will be a teenager and not wanting to hang out that much with her Nana!!
I’m just praying about the family issue. There’s not anything that I can do. Those involved know that I’m supporting them and that I love them.

[lizbeth4]

It’s unseasonably warm here! I have the sand box table set up under my carport. I’ve pulled the car back so my Granddaughter can ride her trike. We spent about 4 hours a day outside.
I’ve found myself slipping into a slight depression again. UGH. I’ve gained some weight. I’m going to find a exercise routine on Amazon and start doing it!
I’m a little restless!!! Maybe planting my veggie garden tomorrow will calm me.

[charles]

Hi Lizbeth,

I have a little sign in my Greenhouse:

“To plant a Garden is to believe in Tomorrow”

Enjoy your weekend, if you are at home more nowadays maybe check out the group schedule and pop in to say Hi.

Stay safe.

[lizbeth4]

My veggie garden is planted! We are going into town today to pick up some pear tomato seedlings from a women whom I’ve bought from before.
My life is so different from when I was gambling all the time! I’m now totally present for my kids and Grandkids. But most of all, I’m here for myself and I’m living my best life!
My life isn’t picture perfect, but I’m better at dealing with the lows.
My financial shambles have changed so MUCH. This month I paid off 2 more loans and another credit card! That leaves 2 more loans and 1 credit card! I’m almost there.
I have a emergency fund and money for 2 small outdoor projects. My fund for my new roof is growing. I’m hoping to be able to do it by December!
Gambling is always going to be a part of me. I can’t ever gamble responsibly. I know that!!!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve often been envious of other’s relationships with their parents. My childhood was a mess and the only person who was my rock, my everything, was my Grandmother. I only met my Father twice and he died when I was 16 years old. My Mother was distant and strict and acted like her children were possessions. My Step Father was distant and a alcoholic. I thought my family was normal until I was older and observed how my friend’s families operated.
My childhood upbringing really distorted my thinking of family. It took many years and counseling for me to have healthy relationships. I made every effort to raise my children differently than I had been raised.
I feel like I have made many mistakes that can be traced back to my childhood insecurities. But I’ve always been aware and corrected these short comings as I knew that they were destructive.
As most of you know, my relationship with my Mother as been challenging. Recently, she had tried to cause major problems between my youngest Daughter and myself. Why? Because she was mad at me. I’ve taken a lot from her and bit my tongue many times to keep the peace.
One thing you don’t do is hurt my children or grandchildren. I’m very protective!
I confronted her over 1 week ago. She didn’t take any blame. She said she was misunderstood. The same excuses used over and over!
I’ve decided that I will not contact her again. I finally can walk away without any guilt! The negativity is just too much to deal with. I am sad that it’s come to this.
She’s welcomed to stop by my house if she is civil to see her Great Granddaughter. But I will never have a relationship with her. It’s like chasing the win you experience from gambling.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I had to see it in writing and be able to release it!

[lizbeth4]

My peaceful place is my backyard. I’m surrounded by trees and different flowers. I try to sit there early in the morning before my Granddaughter awakes.
RG, my Mother’s attitude has taught me to be kind and to tell the ones that I care for how much I love them. They can always depend on me. I was told many times how unlovable I was. I let it get in my head. But now I know how untrue it was! My Mother will have to contact me now. If she doesn’t, I’ll be at peace knowing that I made contact with her and gave her the chance to make things right.
My youngest Daughter is trying to find a apartment in the city. My Granddaughter will continue to live with me as she is working nights driving to California and back to the city. My Granddaughter will spend time with her Mom (days off). I’m sure that my Granddaughter will be living with me for some time and that’s alright.
Hopefully preschool will start again at some time! Who know when it will be safe again.
We went to our department store today. We are venturing out more. We wear our masks and wash our hands when we return home.
We took a walk around the pond across the street from me. A new pathway was put in recently. We saw geese and ducks. My Granddaughter just loves it!
Well, time for bed. It’s been a long day.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter has found an apartment. I’m so proud of her. She has come a long way. Just to think that a little over 4 years ago, she was a drug addict. Her baby saved her life! She has a career she loves and a child she adores. She has been able to purchase a car and secure an apartment on her own. She is my hero! She makes me a proud Mama!!
I have some sadness in my heart concerning my Mother. I would do anything for my Daughters. Their happiness is my happiness. I’ve always longed for a relationship that will never happen. There are too many restrictions and it doesn’t feel natural. It’s something that I need to let go of!
I’ve been thinking of gambling the last 2 days. I think thatf it’s because I’m feeling bored and regimented. It will pass! I’ve ft this before. I know that I will maneuver througj these feelings.

[vera]

So glad to hear your daughter is doing so well, Lizbeth.
I prayed a lot for your girl. Your support allowed her to recover her life. She will never forget that.
Mothers have a difficult task. Some just can’t cope with the duty that is bestowed on us. I have made many mistakes. The blessing of children often turns to a burden when we run into difficulties. I’m guessing your own mom has a lot of unresolved issues which she never learned to cope with . She will not change at this stage of life.
Looking forward instead of dwelling on the past has been your saving grace, Liz.
Despite all your trials, you have come up trumps.
You are an inspiration to all.
I have been blessed with two grandchildren in the last two months. I only hope I can be a fraction of the granny that you are. Already I find myself being over protective. We have to remember that God is in charge. All we can do is our best, then let go.
Gambling can destroy all our efforts.
Well done on all your wonderful achievements.

[lizbeth4]

Being a Mom is one of the hardest jobs. I’ve made a lot of mistakes also but I vowed that I wouldn’t repeat how I was raised. I would never put guilt trips upon my children. I hold my Children and Grandchildren very close to my heart.
Congrats Vera on the birth of your Grandchildren. The love you will have for them will be a love like no other!
Feeling a little low today. Tomorrow, my Daughter arrives. I have gathered items for her apartment. I will pack up my car and spendf a couple nights with her. I want to purchase a few items for her new place.
I’m still having gambling thoughts. I know that I can work through this.

[lizbeth4]

Well, we have transported everything to my youngest Daughter’s apartment. Everything is set up! We did some major shopping today! We purchased a bed frame and have that all together. Her apartment is looking Good! It felt good to be able to help her and she really appreciated it. This is something that would never had happened if I was actively gambling. I’d be broke!!
My Granddaughter is already making new friends. I’m tired and ready to go home tomorrow!

[lizbeth4]

I had a mani and pedi yesterday morning. Oh, it was fabulous! Everyone, employees and patrons wore masks. There was social distancing and hand washing and disinfecting. One of my few indulgences.

[lizbeth4]

Everything is going well. My Granddaughter spent my Daughter’s days off with her. We came to the decision that she will go back to the part time Preschool program starting on Monday. She’s already playing with other kids at her Mom’s house.
I’m not gambling. Working in the garden. All of my veggies are growing. Probably another 5-6 weeks we will be able to pick and eat them!
The urges to gamble have faded. Just keeping busy.

[lizbeth4]

The casino here is opened. I haven’t re-banned myself and I’m having strong gambling thoughts! I will have to see if the office is opened tomorrow and take care of it!!
I know what my triggers are. I’m feeling overwhelmed and I expect a lot of myself. I’m second guessing myself over a few things and I feel like I’m giving a big part of myself to someone who doesn’t appreciate me. That’s my issue to change.
I’m at a point where I am recognizing what I need to change to be happy. No one else can do it for me.

[lizbeth4]

I banned myself from my local casino again! Feel good about it! Dealing with colds. Both my Granddaughter and I. It’s been a hard year. What’s going on in this world right now, the Coronavirus. 3 people I know have passed away. Life is  fragile!

[kathryn]

Great job on banning. Since corona all the casinos/venues have been closed here and I’ve wondered how all those people have coped, in my little state they say that over $421 million has been saved in just under 2 months which is mind boggling!
That’s only slots…..
Maybe this has helped, a forced break, I’m unsure but would like to think so.
Lots of fluids for your cold Liz, hope you and your little one are feeling better soon.
Love K xx

[lizbeth4]

I dropped my Granddaughter off for a few days with her Mom. I finally was able to eat today. I’m feeling much better although through a freak accident, I broke my little toe and bruised up my foot quit a bit! It’s been iced and elevated today.
Kathryn, when I passed the casino coming back through town today, the parking lot was full. I think that everyone is back at it again! But not me!!
My Sister wants to go on a road trip. Waiting to see how much vacation time my Daughter has coming to her. It would be fun!
Something to look forward to!

[kathryn]

While I?m glad your feeling better….that toe!! Ouch! I?ve done it myself!!!
nThe pokie venues are still closed here, they are talking about Opening July. The government make so so much money from the revenue of these gambling establishments….disgusting really! We had a scheme here where people could access $10000 of their superannuation….now the govt is worried people are going to blow it all at the pokies when they re open….sheesh! All I can worry about is me and I?m not giving them a red cent! In fact, I?ll be excluding. It?s always been my best barrier and I can?t let it slide even after 10+ years. If I went back it would be like I never left so no thank you! I?ve spent way too long in hell, I?m not going back
nHave a great weekend and take care, a trip with your sister sounds perfect! I believe we all need something to look forward to
nLove K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

Well, there’s been a lot going on. My Mom, Granddaughter and I evacuated and went to the city 4 days ago! There is a wildfire 20 miles from our town. It’s 150,000 acres and only 7% contained. I made the decision to leave because of heavy smoke and the main way into and out of town being closed. It took 2 hours longer than usual. We are taking turns alternating between both of my Daughters homes.
nI’ll return when it has been contained more. I’m just praying that it will not take my home. This is real scary.

[Steev]

Glad that you and your family got out okay and I know your main priority will be to keep safe.? I hope all goes well and that life can get back to normal as soon as possible.?

[lizbeth4]

Thank you guys for your support! I came home today. The fire didn’t reach my town. Thank goodness for our FIREFIGHTERS! I truly feel blessed. It burned over 185,000 acres but didn’t burn any structures. It’s 73% contained now and no threat to any towns!
nI’m preparing for my Granddaughter to go to the city and live with her Mommy. That was always the goal. Now that her Father is participating in her life, it will be easier for my Daughter. She is looking into daycares and once one is secured my Granddaughter will leave.
nAlthough I will be sad, it will be time for me to fulfill some of my dreams. I’m so happy that gambling isn’t a part of my life. I can plan trips, ect…. It’s all falling into place!

[lizbeth4]

Oh, a busy day! My Granddaughter had a Dr’s appointment to address a eye infection. Then to the pharmacy for medicine. The week spent in close quarters with my Mom opened my eyes. She definitely has dementia. No one can talk to her about it as she is such a angry person in general. She is back in her own surroundings now. A much better place for her.
nNo gambling thoughts or urges! Even with the stress I’ve been dealing with. My coping skills are definitely getting better. Happy weekend everyone!

[lizbeth4]

So, I was going to post a uplifting message but once again, we are on alert because of another wildfire caused by a lightening strike 2 days ago. It’s 11 miles from us and threatening 2 small towns! Our bags are packed and ready to go if needed!
nWe just got back to normal after our weeks evacuation to the city. My Granddaughter is back in daycare and I’ve started volunteering at one of the local thrift stores that supports our senior center.
nI’m gamble free and my days are full of positive things!! I’m doing well!
nMy Granddaughter will be going to spend 2 days with her Mommy this week. The plans for her to live in the city have been delayed as my Daughter and the Dad of my Granddaughter are having issues. My Daughter has no family support there so it makes it kind of hard as she is still on the night shift. She’s trying to get on days but that might take awhile. In the meantime, my Granddaughter has a home here.
n

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t had any gambling thoughts or urges! But I do find that my moods have been up and down lately. I’m rolling with it and trying to figure it out. Frustrating!
nThe Covid pandemic has definitely put a damper on everything. Will the world ever be “normal again”?
nAnyways, I ***** my blessings everyday. My family and friends are well. I guess everyone is just doing the best they can.
n

[lizbeth4]

Having a hard day! I want to Gamble badly! Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and being pulled in different directions! Hanging on!

[Steev]

Take deep breaths … be kind to yourself.? Know that you are doing the best you can and that you will get through this.

Perhaps logging into one of the GA zoom meetings would help (see the thread started by Charles) or trying a group here …?

I know people here will be thinking of you and wishing you well!

Take good care.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
nOverwhelm is a huge trigger for many of us- what can you cut out or postpone? Can u order food in instead of cooking? How can you be kind to yourself and lighten your load.
n
nYou have come so far, practice some mindfulness today and ride out the urges – remember gambling won?t help – it will just put off the feeling of overwhelm for a few hours and then it will return accompanied by a plethora of other negative feelings such as shame, guilt, regret…
n
nYou can do this – stay strong. Feelings pass but money takes a long time to recoup. Replay the tape of your last loss in your head. You?ve got this Lizbeth.

[Meghna83]

Lizbeth the zoom meetings ?are incredible and a good way to get past the urges when they start. I started yesterday and honestly love them.?

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
nThe amount of things you have been through recently and you still stayed gamble-free says so much about you ? you are so much stronger and not only that you are a survivor, I can only listen in admiration.
nTake care of yourself Lizbeth, you have friends in so many places who are willing you on ? I hope you can hear them all, it is quite a noise.
nAs Ever
nVelvet
n

[lizbeth4]

I listened to everything that everyone of you posted! I haven’t gambled and the urges are a little less today! I really appreciate everyone’s support! I feel free to post my true feeling here as I don’t get judged. Instead, I receive support and helpful advice. In my world, every time I’ve reached out in person to anyone with my feelings, I’ve been referred to as a complainer or the subject of gossip which gets thrown in my face. I have only one, long time friend that I feel totally comfortable with telling her anything. She never repeats it or uses it against me and loves me unconditionally. So, it’s so refreshing to have support Here!
nI don’t understand why things are like this as I seem to be the person whom other’s confide in. I’m a good listener and not judgemental. I would never gossip or hold anything you’ve said against you. Just last week, my Sister came and spent the day and night with me. She’s having issues with her boyfriend. I listened but didn’t give my opinion. I don’t do that unless asked. It makes me sad that I can’t turn to others for comfort.
nI’ve planned a haircut for tommorow and a mani and pedi the next day. I need to practice more self care.
nSo, thanks again for your support! I need to learn that everything doesn’t need to be done today and that I’m not super woman.
n
n

[lizbeth4]

I struggled yesterday! Really struggled! I did take your advice
nI did it and ordered pizza for dinner.
nWhat’s wrong with Me? I’ve worked so hard to be where I am. I can’t believe that I’m willing to throw it all away plus my self respect.
nI know that I can get through these feelings. UGH!
n

[lizbeth4]

RG, I’m listening to what you are saying. I’ll get through this!
nI had a pedi and mani today and it was so relaxing. I have a new sassy haircut too! I’m feeling better about myself.
nMasks are mandated for all businesses here! I’m sanitizing my hands constantly too and following directions in stores plus social distancing .
nSunday I will take my Granddaughter 1 hour south of me to meet her Mommy. Then Monday, I’m traveling 1 hour north of me to meet my Sister for lunch. She’s bringing me veggies from her garden. My garden was a flop. Then Tuesday, I will pick up my Granddaughter! Busy, busy, but it keeps me out of trouble.
n
n
n
n
n

[lizbeth4]

I’m still gamble free. Although I’ve had some urges, I haven’t acted on them. My Granddaughter is sick with a cold. She seems to pick up anything that is going around the preschool. It’s been raining here which I really enjoy, plus I don’t have to water my plants either. Today I had a nice surprise. I had a check from a class action suit in my mailbox . Not huge but unexpected. It was strange as it will cover an unexpected expense I had occurred. I was trying to juggle my finances for a few weeks until I could cover it. I’m so thankful!

[lizbeth4]

Life is about the same. Gambling urges surface and then dissappeare. It isn’t controlling my life but it’s very irritating.
nMy Granddaughter is fine but we are dealing with her servere allergies. I have to be vigilant about her medicine. My Grandson started high school, via the internet. Oh my, I just can’t be believe it! Time flies!
nMy garden was a bust. It’s been so hot here. But my peach tree was loaded down this year. I’ve given away a lot to the neighborhood.
nLife has been good!

[Monica1]

I just caught up with your thread. Ty for posting on mine. Those wildfires were quite scary but I am glad you are all ok. I agree with you that lockdown has been tough on everyone and the covid pandemic has put a dampener on everything. I have struggled in lockdown but I am grateful for each and every day and we do have good days. I would have loved some of your peaches, it?s my favourite fruit.
nI was three years gf yesterday and I intend to remain that way!

[lizbeth4]

Congrads on your 3 years gamble free! I blew it today and gambled. I had the opportunity when I took my Granddaughter to the city this morning to visit her Mommy. I set myself up as I was having urges and knew that I would be close to a casino that I’m not banned from. I made sure that I had a mask with me (required). UGH, of course I lost and it wasn’t enjoyable. The damage wasn’t great but nevertheless, any loss is not good. I will recover financially but of course the experience has put me in a bad place mentally.
nI’m not going to say that tomorrow is day one. It’s a blip in my recovery and I’m going to move forward.
nGRRRR! Why did I let this happen? I’m not too happy with myself right now!!

[Monica1]

Hi Liz,sorry to hear u gambled, you mention you have been having urges for a while. What triggered those do you think?
nAt least the outcome was to be expected and I guess will put you off repeating the experience.
nYes, it is a blip. You have had such a long time now gf, how long has it been? I am really pleased not great damage was done. How r you going to prevent this happening again?

[lizbeth4]

Geez, I don’t know how long that I’ve been gamble free. It’s been awhile! I had the opportunity as I didn’t cover all open avenues. I think subconsciously, I set myself up for failure.
nWell, I’m going to ban from that casino and although there are no GA groups locally, there are 12 step programs that I can use. The premise is the same. I need to be more mindful. I haven’t been practicing self care. I need to meditate, exercise and stop looking at the negatives within me and focus on the positives.
nMy losses have been covered but it has set me back a little from my goals!
nI’m dealing with the gambling hang over feelings today. I’m very angry with myself. I will work through the feelings constructively.
n

[lizbeth4]

I had 2 days of alone time. I usually am busy catching up on chores, ect…but I took this time to rest and binge watch my shows. I haven’t had any gambling thoughts or urges. My Granddaughter is home now so we will get back into our routine.
nI sold some outdoor furniture today and it made up for some of my gambling loss. It was too oversized for my outside patio area. I’ll replace it with something more suitable later.
nI had time to reflect on my gambling episode and I became complacent and hadn’t been using any of my coping skills. I will implement what has helped me in the past. I’m feeling hopeful again.
n

[Steev]

I know I had a slip having been gamble free for over 3 years and I remember how devastated I was.?? But it was over almost as soon as it began.? I knew what I had to do and made sure that I redoubled my efforts.? I am sure you will do the same.

If you know what the trigger was for the bet, then you will know what you have to work on – what is not working in your life right now.?

Keep strong!

[lizbeth4]

I have 3 major goals being met this month, December and March. I will then be debt free! I can’t believe it! Most of the debt was incurred because of gambling and using loans to cover expenses. A hard lesson learned.
nI can save significant amounts of money then! Money isn’t everything but peace of mind and security are good to have. It’s taken awhile but I’m about to achieve one of my goals!

[Enough808]

Hi Lizbeth4, great journey and recovery! Very happy you made it so far and are close to wiping out your debt. Keep up the great work!

[Monica1]

Amazing news and i am happy for you that your debt will be wiped out soon.
nAs for me, maybe in another ten years!
n

[lizbeth4]

It’s been a few busy days! My Granddaughter had a perfect dental check up. I was able to spent a few days with my Grandson. Today we resumed our routine, daycare, daily chores, ect….
nMy youngest Daughter has major dental surgery tomorrow. My Sister is going to take her and spend a few days with her. I’m so proud of her for all that she has overcomed this last 4 1/2 years. This surgery will help boost her self confidence.
nI’m doing better with my gambling urges. Working through things. Trying to make the best of everyday.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter’s dental surgery went well. She is sore and swollen but doing good. My Sister is staying a few extra days to take care of her. If anyone has read my thread, my youngest Daughter has overcome a lot: drug addiction of 16 years. She has been clean for 4 1/2 years. She went to school and became a truck driver, semi, she has a good job, new car and her first apartment. She had to start her life over and she’s experiencing many things that we take for granted. Getting her teeth fixed was another step to move forward. She’s a great Mother. She was told that she would never have children. And we were blessed with my beautiful Granddaughter. My Daughter is my hero. I just look at all that she has accomplished and I’m so proud! If she can accomplish all this, I know that anything is possible.

[lizbeth4]

So, the week is flying bye, especially with a 3 year old. We sat on the porch for awhile and watched 2 young elk playing in the pond. I want to teach my Granddaughter all about the wildlife and beautiful forest, lakes and rivers surrounding us. At some point she will be living back in the city and away from this magic.
nMy gambling thoughts are surfacing again as my Granddaughter will be with her Mommy for 3 days soon. I’ve been thinking about taking a little detour on the way home and gambling. I never learn. So, I’m thinking of positive things I can do with my 3 days alone. I need to rewire my thoughts. I can do it!!!
nOtherwise everything is Good! I had a mani and pedi yesterday and I’m getting a haircut tomorrow. I’m making sure to not ignore doing things for myself. My Granddaughter and I had dinner last night with a friend. My Granddaughter was very well behaved. I had polished her nails with pink, glittery nail polish and she was delighted to show everyone! So cute!
nTime to go. Bath time for the little one then bedtime.

[Steev]

Watching young elk playing in the pool … just sounds magical.? I hope in your three days off you can see the world through a 3 year olds’ eyes.? The beauty of the nature around you sounds wonderful and so much better than a stuffy casino with no windows to look out of!

I am sure that you can find it within yourself to resist the urge to gamble and maybe find some beautiful walks or something special to do with your grand-daughter when she comes back to you.? That will make beautiful memories for both of you!

[lizbeth4]

We watched the elk again this evening! Someone has intervened and I have a sever head cold. My plans for after dropping my Granddaughter off tomorrow is to binge watch on Netflix and rest!
nMy cardiologist appointment is now a phone appointment. I was notified today. Not too happy as my routine EKG won’t be performed. Picking up my Granddaughter afterwards and heading to a local stream to play. All of the labor day people will be gone.

[lizbeth4]

Still dealing with waves of gambling urges! They come and go. I am resisting and finding ways to cope without gambling.
nI have 2 1/2 days alone while my Granddaughter is visiting her parents.
nI pulled weeds and cleaned up the back yard today! Wow! I was wiped out afterwards and took a nap.
nLife is good! My Granddaughter is still going to preschool, part time. She’s learning Spanish and Russian. She knows the days of the week. Pretty good for a 3 1/2 year old! It’s good for her to be around other children and for me to have some time to get household things done.
nFall is in the air. My favorite season. We are still seeing Elk almost daily. It never gets old.
nHope everyone is enjoying a gamble free weekend!
n

[charles]

Plan those 2 1/2 days Lizbeth, you can do this. One day at a tme. Maybe see how good a drawing of those elk you can do to show your grand daughter when she gets back ??

[lizbeth4]

How I wish that I had taken your advise! I’ve gambled again. I totally binged, for 8 hours! It is a setback for me!
nI obviously still need professional help. I’m not dealing with my stresses and emotions. I’m still escaping from my life.
nOh boy, do I feel the remnants of my BINGE! Physically my body is stiff from sitting for hours. My stomach is in knots. Emotionally I’m broken, sad and I just can’t believe that I’ve done this to myself. I’m just too old to keep doing this.
nThe financial loss is enough to where I will have to juggle a few bills . They will get paid but late. I’m so frustrated and disappointed in myself. I keep sabatoging my life. I work hard to take steps forward just to go backwards in one day.
nDoes this sound familiar to anyone? It has to stop now! I can’t do this anymore.
nI’m contacting my counselor tomorrow. I’ve become comacwnt and lazy.
nTime to get myself together. I pick up my Granddaughter soon.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve forgiven myself and I’m moving forward. I have a counseling appt next week and I’m reading some articles online concerning rewiring your mind for addictions and bad habits.
nMy finances took a hit but I’ve taken steps to get back on track next month. I’ve delayed some of my goals by gambling but I’m determined not to let this happen again.
nMy body and soul can’t keep up with this addiction. It has to end.
nI think a lot of my issues stem from low self esteem and other issues that I haven’t dealt with. It’s time to face my demons. The only way is up!
nI have many things to be thankful for. I am truly blessed. The only thing that is standing in my way is myself!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks RG for your support! I’m doing better. I’m moving forward. I really don’t want to feel the way I do after gambling. It takes a bit of my soul everytime.
nI’m concentrating on being a better me. Taking on one day at a time and living in the present is what I am doing.
nYesterday we spent a few hours with my Mom. I’m dealing with her so much better as I am only seeing her once a week now. It’s enjoyable now as I won’t listen to the negativity anymore. I just remove myself from the situation. She is making more of a effort to be nicer. It’s working.
nMy friend came over for dinner. She is moving back to the city soon to live with family as her boyfriend passed away and she can’t financially afford to live on her own. I will miss her!
nMy Granddaughter is in the tub and bedtime is soon. Good night all.

[kathryn]

Sending you a big fat hug from Oz!
nRG is right, moving forward really is the ONLY option.
nI don?t know how it happens, how the tiny urge turns to a big regret. Put your barriers up. Means and opportunity play a massive part.
nHALT…….
nHungry
nAngry
nLonely
nTired
nAll triggers!
nLike Dory says, just keep swimming.
nIt?s all we can do. You deserve better, you are a wonderful, kind caring woman. Don?t let this revolting addiction have a say in your life anymore!
nTake care lovely friend,
nK xxxxx

[kathryn]

Sending you a big fat hug from Oz!
nRG is right, moving forward really is the ONLY option.
nI don?t know how it happens, how the tiny urge turns to a big regret. Put your barriers up. Means and opportunity play a massive part.
nHALT…….
nHungry
nAngry
nLonely
nTired
nAll triggers!
nLike Dory says, just keep swimming.
nIt?s all we can do. You deserve better, you are a wonderful, kind caring woman. Don?t let this revolting addiction have a say in your life anymore!
nTake care lovely friend,
nK xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your support! I’m moving forward. It’s another blip that I will overcome. I know why I gambled. So, when I’m feeling that way again, I will implement what has helped me in the past.
n
nThis last week was hard. My Granddaughter and I had colds, so no school. But we are both better now.
n
nMy Granddaughter is going to visit her parents tomorrow for a few days. I gambled the last time that she was gone. I have my days planned out and I won’t make the same mistake.
n
nHaving a friend over for dinner. She leaves on Monday to live in the city. I will miss her!!
n
nI love Dory!

[i’m_free]

I read through some of your last entries and saw the one about the slip up of eight hours and boy can I relate to that and to much of what you said. Unfortunately I did not have only a slip up as I’ve now had countless days over this big relapse which looked like this one day. EAch time I thought it was the last. NOw I’m finally getting some counseling and came back for help. thx. for all you shared. It helps and i wish you a great day today. freestar

[lizbeth4]

Well, it’s been a exhasting week and weekend. My Granddaughter is going through a stage. Many time outs and a little whining! I’m holding it together but it’s testing my patience. As bad as this sounds, tomorrow is school and a little alone time!
nI’ve had some gambling thoughts but haven’t acted on them. I’m keeping myself busy this week with little outside projects that need to be completed before it gets any colder.
nI have had a few unexpected expenses and I’ve had to juggle a few bills and will play catch up. This to will pass as long as I don’t gamble!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
nHope all is going well with you.
nX

[lizbeth4]

I’m fine. I’m still gamble free! I’ve been sick and so was my Granddaughter with a bad cold and cough. We are feeling much better!
nMy Sister has been here for 2 weeks. She’s left her boyfriend and is looking for a home to purchase. We just returned from out of state looking at homes. Nothing has caught her eye yet. She may have to rent until winter is over. She’s talked about going back to her boyfriend but it’s a mentally abusive relationship. I’m being supportive and trying to sway her into staying here.
nSo, I’ve just been so busy with my Granddaughter and everything.
nI’ve had gambling thoughts but I’m not acting upon them.
nI hope all is well with you, I-did-it. Thanks for checking in with me!

[maverick.]

Lizbeth my friend its nice to see you fighting on and being honest its the only way, yes we slip / gamble……..and we know its wrong, we know it causes pain and suffering, we fight hard against it but at times we fail, you should be proud Lizbeth because you work recovery everyday and that’s what’s needed, I thought I was in a good place but ended up in a very day one…….working at recovery everyday is the only way…..because I know for me in one day I can do years of damage !
n
nTake care and my very best to you

[lizbeth4]

Update: I’m still gamble free! Life is Good! Spending Thanksgiving with my Daughters and Grandchildren. My oldest Daughter is cooking and hosting at her house.
nMy Sister is still searching for a home. Everything is so expensive! Hopefully, she will find something.
nHappy Thanksgiving everyone!

[lizbeth4]

WOW! The set up of the forum has changed! I just wanted to post a update. I’m still gamble free. I’m heading into a more debt free existence in the next 3 months. A significant portion of my debt will be paid off! It’s been hard keeping on the path and budget. But I’ve done it.

Christmas was good. 2 celebrations with my family.

My Sister is still living with me. She’s closing on a house, 2 1/2 hours northeast from me, barring any problems with the inspection.

My Grandchildren and Daughters are well and both have been able to work through the pandemic,

My Granddaughter is growing so fast, almost 4 years old. She’s still living with me. Hopefully next year she will be with her Mommy fulltime.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I’m looking forward to the New Year!

[lizbeth4]

UGH! This last week was awful! I had to deal with some major home repairs and unexpected expenses! I was able to get through them but it has put a damper in my current budget and a lot of stress.

I didn’t gamble throughout this time. In fact, I had no urge to.

So, even though I’ve taken a few steps backwards in my debt free quest, I’m going to get back on track and move forward.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for your response. Sometimes, It is hard to do the right things. But when I think of the outcome of a gambling binge, my heart beats fast and my stomach drops. It stops me in my path. It brings me back to reality.

I’m back on path in my quest to be debt free. One more loan was paid off and another will be in 2 weeks. I’m getting there! Nothing is going to stop me!!!

I have some major changes coming in 4 months if everything goes as planned for my youngest Daughter. I’ve made some difficult decisions but I know that they are for the best.

I will keep you informed as everything progresses.

My Sister is still in the process of buying her home. The sellers need to repair a few things before the appraisal. Hopefully soon as she will get a lot more snow than u do which may make moving harder.

My Granddaughter and Grandson are well. He will be 15 years old soon. Oh my, how the time flies. My Granddaughter is going to the city to see Mommy for 3 days.

And me, I’m good and looking forward to some me time this weekend. Binging a series I’ve started on Netflix and taking 1 day to reorganize my closet and drawers.

Hope everyone has a great gamble free day and weekend. Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Still gamble free and loving life! I feel like I’m living the life I always should have been living.

Another high interest loan was paid off yesterday. 2 more loans will follow in April! I’ll be 3/4ths of the way to my goal!

Next step is to tackle my 5 credit cards and have a zero balance on all!

I had a major plumbing issue lately that set me back financially. It was fixed but my house needs to be replumbed this year. I can’t get financing as I have too much debt. It will have to be cash.

My Granddaughter and I are going shopping for items to donate to our local homeless shelter.

Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well on their gamble free journey. It’s hard but well worth it!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for your post and support!
It’s been a real struggle at times staying gamble free. I’ve has another home related issue/emergency that I had to fix. I’ve got through it but it’s drained my bank account.

My addictive mind tells me to gamble. Maybe I’ll win and solve my cash flow problem. My realistic self tells me that it’s just a set back and that I’ll recover financially.

So for know I’m going to remain realistic and continue on my gamble free journey.

[kathryn]

Hi Lizbeth,
Your realistic self is spot on!
Your addiction is trying to suck you back in and we know where that path leads us.
If you gamble, it would take a hell of a lot more time to recoup not only the money you spent on your emergency, but what you would lose gambling. And you will lose, the addiction won’t let us do anything else.
If you were gambling you wouldn’t have been able to afford your repairs so in my eyes you won!
Remember the misery, the stress, the pain and insanity we feel when we gamble.
Stay strong, you can do this!
Love K xxxxx

[velvet]

Hi Lisbeth

Plumbing problems are renowned for sending money down the drain but you fixed it. Gambling problems are renowned for sending money down the drain and you have fixed them.

Listen to your realistic brain it will save you money and allow you to keep living the life you should always have been living. Not only does being gamble-free make you happy, it also brings smiles to the faces of those who read your posts.

As ever

Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks K and Velvet for your posts! I’ve endured yet another set back concerning my home heat pump but I haven’t gambled and I’m dealing with it!
I’m in the city with my Grandchildren as my oldest Daughter and her boyfriend are on a hiking trip for 4 days.

Enjoying the warmer weather and of course my Grandchildren.

Going to visit my Sister and her new home next weekend. It’s a 2 1/2 hour drive from my home. She’s getting along well.

My journey continues. I’m always grateful for my life and everyone and everything in it!

[kathryn]

Hi Lizbeth,
Grandchildren…..what a joy they are! If anything in this world can distract you it’s them! I love how all they want is our attention. Thank goodness I’m not full of that obsessive addiction and I be present in their world. And what a world it is, everything is magic, including me and grandpa!
Have a lovely week with the fam bam!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

I’m doing well! I’ve occurred a few more set backs but I’ve endured. When it rains, it pours!! Next month 2 more high interest loans will be repayed! Time to tackle the credit card debt!!!

My youngest Daughter and her boyfriend are looking for a house to rent since her apartment lease will be up in 2 1/2 months. I’m going to live with them during the week to care for my Granddaughter and come home on my Daughter’s days off.

Being a trucker, her hours are not regular. But if she can have dinner and put her Daughter to bed every night, that’s a good thing.

It wasn’t a hard decision for me to make. I have family and friends in the city. My only request were to have my own bedroom (space) and a nice backyard and patio.

My Sister bought a home 2 1/2 hours from me. I visited her last weekend. She’s in a more rural area than me. We are born and raised city girls. LOL! Her place is cute and she’s sitting on a acre. She’s very happy!

I’m staying gamble free! I am busy with my Granddaughter and keeping up on my house and yard. My only regret is that I haven’t made any new friends since the loss of one friend and another friend moving to the city. There’s only so many hours in the day!

[kathryn]

Hi Lizbeth,
New friends will come,
Seems you’re going to be busy now…. good!
Time filled with other things leaves no room for gambling!
Happy weekend lovely friend,
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks K for your post! I’m a fool! I need to come clean here. I need to do it for myself.

This last weekend, I gambled it away! I know I was vulnerable as I hadn’t re banned myself from the local casino.

I’m mentally drained ! All of those gambling hangover feeling have resurfaced. UGH!

I’m financially destitute for the next 5 weeks. I do have money to pay all of my bills but I have to charge grocieres and gas. Double UGH!

I will get through this but I need to figure why I let this happen again and how to stop it now!

One day at a time!

[jen3]

Hi Liz! Not sure if you remember me. We used to talk a lot a few years back. I don’t come here often BUT I do check in here and there. First you have had some
incredible lengths of clean time. I am very proud of you.

I am sorry you relapsed. I am also happy you got right back up vs staying in the
“Alligator filled swamp”

I just wanted to mention something that has been helping me after never having a substantial amount of clean time like you have is gamblersinrecovry.com. It’s
The best help I ever found personally. Check it out if you are up to it.

In my thoughts and prayers.
Take care!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin and Jen! Your support is appreciated. Of course Jen, I remember you. I will definitely check out the site!!

[kathryn]

Hi Lizbeth,
You’ve been stressed, that was clear from your previous posts, and your addiction played on it.
Don’t let this set you back, keep moving forward, its done.
Maybe think about what you could have done differently, and how you can better protect yourself, just in case!
It’s a blip, a slip, a moment of bad judgement.
It’s a daily battle. It got the best of you. You have had so many days that it hasn’t, remember those. You can do this!
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks K for your support! I’m already taking steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again! I’ve re-banned myself from the local casino. I understand why I gambled. It’s so easy to let your guard down or leave a door opened to make it easy to gamble. The hard part is to keep carrying through and making it hard to gamble!!!

I’ve had so many gamble free days that I’m going to say that this was a blip and move forward!

UGH! My Granddaughter isn’t feeling well. I can’t tell if it’s a virus or her allergies. No fever! She’s resting and drinking plenty of fluids.

Tomorrow she’s supposed to go to her parents houses for 3 days. I’m sure she will bounce back.

I had plans of doing some yardwork but we are getting rain and snow. I guess it’s PJ and Netflix time!

[lizbeth4]

So, I’ve taken the necessary steps to make it harder for me to gamble. I haven’t had any urges
I’m just experiencing a lot of anxiety. I’m trying to deal with it. I’m going to be living in the city 4 days a week and coming back to my home, 3 days a week. I don’t mind helping my Daughter with my Granddaughter but I’m not looking forward to the traffic and so many people.
I’m also going to be living with my Daughter’s boyfriend whom I don’t know very well. UGH!
So, I’m looking for the positives: I get to see my oldest Daughter and Grandson and friends more. I have more shopping choices.
It will be ok. I’m adaptable.
Just need to get the anxiety under control.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for your support! Update:My Granddaughter had Covid (exposed at daycare). I found out the day after my last post here. We quarantined for 2 weeks. I tested negative twice. My Granddaughter’s symptoms were mild except she had fatigue and slept a lot. Glad that’s over.

I had the Johnson’s and Johnson’s Covid one shot last Saturday before we went to the city. UGH. Seeing all the negative side effects and the halting of any further shots for awhile. I did have flu like symptoms for 2 days!

Anyways, the transition to the city went well. The place is nice and my Granddaughter loves being with her Mommy! Me, I’m having a harder time letting go of my Granddaughter and stepping back into the Grandmother role instead of the parent role. She was my side kick for 2 years.

I know that this is causing me some anxiety and I know that this is one of my gambling triggers. I need to be aware and vigilant in my journey of being gamble free.

I’m not too sure of the new boyfriend yet. Not that he’s done anything wrong, I just get a strange feeling about him. I can’t put my finger on it.

Anyways, I’m home for 2 days. It’s very quiet and I’m a bit lonely. Tomorrow, there’s yardwork to do andc a few things around the house to keep me busy!

My Granddaughter’s eye appt is this Friday. Hopefully we will find out what’s going on with the one eye. Blocked tear duct???

Wednesday, my Daughter has a appt to view a preschool by the new place. They have a opening in June.

Then I will only be needed on weekends here and there and if my Granddaughter is sick so Mommy can work.

I guess I need to get a life!

[lizbeth4]

RG, I just read your post. It brought tears to my eyes. First, thank you for all of your support through the years! Next, thank you for your words of wisdom and for reminding me that I’m important also. My life matters! I have been so caught up with my children and Grandchildren that I put myself on the back burner!

I do have dreams! There are things that I want to do. Places that I want to go and there’s no reason that I can’t fulfill them!

I will have to definitely find a group to join or somewhere to volunteer. Too much idle time on my hands, gets me in trouble.

I will have to address my Mom’s dementia at some point. She’s functioning right now and lives close enough to me that I can check in on her. But as hard as it is, decisions will have to be made.

I’m so grateful that both of my Daughters are in a good place and both of my Grandchildren are happy and being well taken care of.

It’s time for me! My Granddaughter will start full time preschool May 24th. Time to let go and move forward.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for your support. The last few weeks have been full of triggers for me! But I’ve been able to get through them and not gamble!

I lasted 3 weeks at my Daughters place and I decided to step away and let her figure things out on her own. She stepped up and found another preschool that my Granddaughter could start immediately.

The boyfriend is very controlling and was disrespectful towards me. In the past, I would have lost it but I calmly stated how I felt and I packed up and came home.

My Granddaughter spends the weekends with me as her Mommy has to work. It’s nice to be a Nana and not a full time caregiver.

We’ve had fun! She’ll be going home this afternoon! She’s loving her new preschool and is adjusting to her new home, ect…

I live one day at a time and try to do my best!

[chahed123]

Hi it’s Chahed
I hope you are all well.because l am struggling coming to terms how so called non gambling wife of mine feels no remorse or empathy towards me l am really sad it shows that people really don’t understand this pain of this addiction.she is carrying on with her life as if l don’t exist and its burning me inside God willing l will find the strength to be positive and carry on its been almost3weeks since l last gambled .at least my kids are happy.God bless.
Us all.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Chahed, you may want to start your own thread! It helps to journal and reread your posts. Stay strong. Best wishes.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kin! I’m doing good! How are you? I’m dealing with some stressful things right now but I’m still gamble free!
There are many wildfires in my state. A few are with 20 miles of me but so far, I haven’t had to evacuate and my town isn’t in any immediate danger! Just praying for the Firefighters, people’s homes and the wildlife.
These situations make you so grateful for everything!!
My family is great! Missing the Grandkids! But we will see each other soon!
Thanks Kin for checking on Me! I hope everything is going well for you.

[lizbeth4]

The fires around where I live are under control and almost contained. Few structures were lost. No fatalities. A lot of beautiful forests were lost plus wildlife! Very sad!

As for myself, I’m not where I had planned on being at this year financially. My travel plans are on hold!

I had a few household emergencies and a few car repairs that have set me back! I have a few home projects that need to be completed this year.

I did have a gambling slip also this year. I felt discouraged about it but got back on my recovery road

My debts are not paid off yet. I’m not quite where I thought that I would be. I’ve made a budget and plan on working hard the rest of this year to whittle down my debt.

My reward will be a nice vacation next year. I will be traveling to a place in the U.S. that I haven’t been to. I’ll be doing some hiking and group excursions. I’m very excited!

I have nothing to complain about. I feel like I am blessed! My kids and Grandkids are doing well. My health is great. Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

Hello all, It helps me to continue journaling here! To put my thoughts down and to be able to come back and reread.

My life continues to be good. I am well. My Daughters and Grandchildren are doing well. I just had my Granddaughter this last weekend. My Grandson starts his 2nd year of high school next week!

I have made a big decision in my life, for now, I’ve cut my Mother out for the time being. If you have read my posts, our relationship is very toxic. I won’t get into the specifics but I can’t tolerate the verbal, mental abuse anymore. The non accountability on her part is too much to deal with.

Please do not judge! It was a hard decision to come to but for my mental well being, I felt it was a wise decision.

I’m gamble free but still struggle from time to time. My debts are being paid and I’m seeing progress. Slow bit sure!

I’m a survivor, in many ways! I’ll go down fighting! So, don’t give up! Keep dusting yourself off and continue on your journey. One day at a time!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still gamble free! My life is a little different as my Granddaughter lived with me for 2 years and now lives with her Mommy, 2 hours from me. It’s been quite an adjustment.
I’ve been quite busy! I’ve been completing a few home projects. My home and yard are looking really good.
I’m walking every morning and I’m losing weight and feeling much healthier!
My Daughters and Grandchildren are doing well. My Grandson just started his 2nd year of high school and just got his drivers permit. I’m getting old. LOL! My Granddaughter’s pre kindergarten school was just shut down due to Covid. Thank goodness that my Daughter can work from home.
I feel like I’m in a good place right now! I keep busy doing productive things. I’m not wasting my time sitting in a casino.
Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for responding to my post. I read your posts also and I hope all is well with you.
I’m struggling today with the temptation of gambling ! Of course, money is tight but all bills are paid. I need to ride it out! I’m very close to having 3 large monthly bills paid off, 3 months to go! I know that I can do this! No more self sabotage.

I went to the city last week for my yearly cardiologist appt. Everything is good. I just need to continue my meds. It’s been 10 years since my heart attack and stent placement. I’m very thankful that I haven’t had any more issues.

I managed to have breakfast with a good friend after my appt. I saw both of my Daughters and my Granddaughter came home with me for a few days. Fun times!

I have a lot to be thankful for! I have to have faith in my self! I am the controller of how this plays out (gambling) in my life! I’ve got this.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for your support! Please don’t give up on yourself. I know it’s not a easy journey but have faith in yourself.
So, I still have my struggles with wanting to gamble. I don’t want to keep living in my addiction hole, feeling out of control. The worst is having no self respect for myself.

What keeps me moving forward:. Firstly, my Family and Friends. My debt is lessening and I will be nearly debt free soon. I feel good about myself. I’m planning a great exploration trip for next year!

I have found that if I just live for today and make it the best that I can, the gambling urges lessen.

I look for the positives and I’m forever grateful for all of the good in my life.

Don’t give up! Life is good!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth

It is wonderful to read your posts these days and to hear that you feel good about yourself. I look forward to hearing details of your great exploration trip which will be well deserved.

Sometimes it is hard to see the positives – but you are seeing them and it fills me with happiness to hear it

Well done

Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet for your supportive post! Although I’m not where I want to be in some aspects of my life, I’m still making progress!

I do have positives in my daily life! But when I was gambling, I could only see the negatives. A lot has changed in the way that I view life now! I’m a happier and more content person.

Falling down, picking myself up, repeat…. Moving forwards!!!! Never giving up on myself!

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t posted for awhile! I’m doing well. Somedays are a struggle but I’m treking through then. For some reason the holidays are tough for me. But I’m determined to make this holiday a great one!

I’ve finished my Christmas shopping and I’ve put the tree up and decorated my home. A first for me to be this far ahead of Christmas day!

I’m going to my oldest Daughter’s house to celebrate Christmas this year!

I am meeting my sister today in a town between us for an early birthday lunch! UGH! I’m getting old. LOL!

Keep working on yourself! It’s never to late to change. Even though it’s difficult at times, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

[charles]

Have agreat birthday and Christmas lizbeth. Whatever number it is remember live doesnt begin at 40,50,60 etc it begins when we stop gambling ??

I have all my presents bought too – now that would never have happened when i was gambling.

Keep doing the things that are working for you.

[lizbeth4]

Hi. I haven’t posted for awhile. Honestly, things are not going well right now! I started gambling again! I had made progress paying off my debts and find myself racking up the credit card bills again!
It started when my oldest Daughter started having health issues and it looks like spine surgery is her only option. Both of her hands are partially paralyzed.
I’m having a hard time coping. Whatever the outcome, I have to deal with reality.
Today is the first day that I’m not gambling. I’ve been gambling, out of control a couple times a week.
Today I’m taking the steps to stop! I know what to do!!! I just need to stay strong and keep working on myself!
So, I believe in myself and I know that I can be gamble free again! I forgive myself but I don’t want to live the gambling life again.

[charles]

Hi Lizbeth, well done on coming back here. The good news is that you know what works. Get back to posting, maybe connect to a group as well. The date of your last bet may have changed, but not what you have learnt in recovery.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Charles for your support! I haven’t gambled! I’m being proactive with my gambling problem. I’ve been able to get through the urges by reading self help books and finding things to keep me busy!
I’ve decided to go back to work part time once my Daughter finds out what is causing her health issue. I just finished my recertification as a caregiver. I found a agency here that will employ me when I’m ready.
I think one of the reasons that I gamble is that I have too much time on my hands. I don’t feel useful!
Today I paid off another loan. I also paid all of my bills for the month!
I’m starting my vegetable seedlings inside soon! I’m excited about that! I plan to have a larger garden this year!
I’m not giving up on myself! I can get through this!

[cannon93]

keep fighting

[lizbeth4]

Thanks cannon for your support! I’m not gambling. I’ve taken up hiking with my new neighbor. I hiked almost 4 miles yesterday! Quite a accomplishment for me.

Although my Daughters health issues haven’t changed and there’s no diagnosis yet and my Mother and I are still not communicating, I realize that nothing I can do will change these situations. Gambling is only punishing myself!

My financial situation is looking better. My bills are being paid and my loans and card balances are going down. I’m looking forward to getting a few small home repairs completed this summer!

But if I start gambling again, I’m at square one again! So, I keep busy. My yard looks wonderful. I’m on top of all the weeds and everything is blooming again! My veggie seedlings are doing well and in 1 month I’ll be planting my garden. Very exciting!

So, always look for positive things to fill your life with. Sitting in a casino or gaming online is not productive and takes years off of your life and joy!

Take care everyone!

[lizbeth4]

Hi. It’s been awhile since I last posted! I’m doing well! I’ve been gamble free! Sometimes it’s hard but my life is so much better without it!

I’m hiking twice a week. It’s nice to see the wildlife and the exercise is good for me. 8 to 10 miles total.
I have to push myself sometimes but I always finish the hike!

My garden is doing great! I’m anticipating fresh veggies!

I have a busy and fulfilling life without the gambling!

It’s been a long journey and I’m careful to not let my guard down. Don’t ever give up!

[kathryn]

Hi Lizbeth,
So happy to read your filling your time with beautiful things! We don’t see them when we are gambling! Every day I look out my window to see the sky. Every day I am amazed how beautiful it can be! Keep enjoying every day!
Love K xxx

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth

It has been a long journey but your fight to succeed has been rewarded and I couldn’t be more pleased for you. It is truly wonderful to hear that your life is busy and fulfilling.

As Ever

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth

It has been a long journey but your fight to succeed has been rewarded and I couldn’t be more pleased for you. It is truly wonderful to hear that your life is busy and fulfilling.

As Ever

Velvet

[ididit]

Hi Lizbeth, just thought I would drop by and check in on some of my old friends on here. Hope all is good with you- I can see it’s a while since you posted. I don’t really post much since a lot of those I used to chat with have left, and of course it’s not the same without the open groups where friendships were cemented. Hope all is going well with you.

[Author]

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