[Rainman444]

If you click my past post history you will have read that I am an insane impulse gambler.

I have lost 6 figure in one night two times in the past. Tonight, I lost almost 200k. I am now almost broke.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. The online software I was playing on I was surely convinced I was being cheated but just could not stop. It’s a shady site but they take large bitcoin deposits so that’s where I decided to play. I am a wreck.

I posted on here twice before with the same old sob story. Here I am again repeating myself. Nobody knows about this and it’s killing me inside. It just happened so I’m a little numb right now but once I wake up…I don’t know. What is wrong with me? I took the proactive step of banning myself from said site but it’s like I have this self destructive demon inside of me. I feel so alone and worthless. I see other people living happy successful lives and i feel such hatred towards them. How do I not stop myself? How do I keep playing when everything is going the wrong way? I had to literally break my keyboard to stop myself from keep depositing. I am a recovering drug addict and I swear gambling disease is more destructive than drug addiction. I’m no spring chicken either. I’m in my 30’s now and I have nothing to show for it. I have no education, no significant other, and my family members and most my friends are on the other side of the world.

Every time I posted here I came looking for any kind of answers and both times I went inactive after a few days thinking I can take this problem on my own. I now realize I truly have a sickening disease. I haven’t hit rock bottom yet but it’s like it’s right around the corner.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is ruined and I will never hit my financial peak ever again. Maybe I’m a bad person and deserve this?

Sorry for the rant. I just can’t bear talking about this to anyone I know in real life as I am so ashamed.

[i-did-it]

Hi Rainman, you are not a bad person- you are a person with a gambling addiction.
I think you are seeing that you can not do it alone – it is almost impossible to stop gambling without support. There are groups on here tomorrow night where you will get good advice and also there is another online site called gamblers anonymous – if you could make it to some of their face to face meetings that would be really good .
You may not be not a spring chicken but certainly you are young enough to recover your whole life.
Take the necessary steps now and in no time you will be looking forward instead of backwards with regret.

Well done on recognising that you have a problem and posting.

[Rainman444]

Hey thanks for your response. What do you mean by groups on here tomorrow night? Like a chat room? Please share details if so if you don’t mind.

[i-did-it]

Rainman , click support groups along the top of this page – this will lead you to the groups –they are on tomorrow evening – I just checked – the groups start at 7pm – be careful , some of them lock you out after fifteen mins to allow people to talk in private so get there in. the first fifteen mins – maybe see u there

[Jonny123987]

Hey Rainman – What do you want out of life? What is your end goal?

[Dunc]

Hello ?and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. ?We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. ?We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. ?The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. ?So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and ?terms and conditions so you know how it all works! ???

[Rainman444]

thank you all for your responses.

Jonny, one of my top priorities in life has always been to make lots of money. I did not grow up rich, dont have a degree, always chased the quick buck. I was lucky in some areas in my life where i was able to make good money (hence me being able to lose 100’s of thousands of dollars). Also, i want to find PURPOSE. What i do for a living gives me NO satisfaction, infact it makes me feel so detached from society. I feel lonely and depressed 80% of the time and to fill that void inside, i turn to vices. Drinking, partying, chasing women, gambling.

I keep coming back to this same bad feeling. I was able to bounce back everytime and i would always tell myself “i never want to feel like that again”. Yet, here i am. I think deep down inside i knew i would be here again. How could i not be? How does one just STOP without losing every penny or doing some serious work to change ones mindset.

This really sucks. I am trying to keep a positive attitude but its so hard. Since my meltdown i have done nothing but lay around and watch TV feeling bad for myself. Most importantly i am so worried about my future. I feel as if i am destined to live a crap life all alone. I have some SERIOUS issues. I mean, who blows money like this MULTIPLE times?! I am getting sick to my stomach just writing about it again.

It all feels hopeless right now…but im trying to stay strong.

[Monica1]

Jappy is right rainmaker. we have all done it, some of us over time for similar amounts of money. You are not alone, it is a sickness and it is progressive. The depression is normal. You must go and get some help either on the groups here or GA. On day 43, GA is my lifeline and you will get no judgment and the support you require. My last relapse was a 48 hour meltdown too and I lost every penny. The destructive CG was at is worst. And I do not want to go back to that. It takes some serious work on oneself but what is the alternative. Starting the cycle again and again until we end up mad, suicidal or commit crime to feed the beast. That is the choice. Keep posting rainman. We know how you feel as we have all been there and it takes time to heal.

[Jonny123987]

Hi Rainman,

How are you doing today? What do you do for a living? I sold marijuana in college and was never proud of it. Why are you not proud of what you do?
I understand wanting to make a lot of money. I’d be lying if I said making money is important to me as wll. But I also don’t think a bug pile of paper should be our top priority or our end goal. Let me ask you a question. You said that you made 100’s of thousands of dollars and then gambled it. If money was going to make you happy wouldn’t;t you have been happy with the money you had and the money you could have made compounding that number with average gains? Do you see the point I’m getting at?
It seems like you have the capabilities to earn which is great. You know gambling doesn’t work and ultimately makes you loss your ass and feel like a chump. So why allow yourself to do it?
What job out there will make you feel satisfied and proud of yourself? Is there one? When you dream of the person you see yourself as what is it? Is it impossible to chase that dream still?
If you know something deep down inside then it will become your reality like you suggested. So make the good thing you dream about happen, not the horrible scary dream.
Does any of this make sense at all?

[Jonny123987]

Also – Don;t forget about the gambling rush. We all love that rush. It’s the real reason we keep going back. The action… The rush… Usually that rush covers up some other underlying issue that we might have surpassed for a long time and might not fully understand. I suggest to everyone on here to get a life coach and look into some of those things. A lot of times we are chasing there rush to suppress the real problem. The more money you have the more it takes to suppress the feeling and get the proper rush to do so. Just a thought.

[3raser]

you have to stop beating yourself up, you have done what you have done and you can’t change that ( god knows we all wish we could make just one change) all you can do is make a decision today to stop, it will be hard but slowly your life will piece back together again, i know it’s a lot of money but wether its a 6 figure amount of 2 figure amount a compulsive gambler will gamble time and time again until eventually they always end up with nothing and we all end broke and hating ourselves. its the addiction, not you and all that matters is the decisions you make today, not yesterday and not tomorrow. stay strong

[Mark P]

Rainman you are not alone at all. I too have similar traits with one exception. When my wife and i separated i dated only women with money who paid for everything. I thought money would make me happy. I didn’t. When i was married i found every excuse i gamble. My wife didnt make much money and i said i needed to make more to support or get what i thought we should have. She never wanted material things she wanted me and yet i spent my time working or going to the casinos. I have since stopped dating for money and now date my ex wife. Only divorce for 3 mons separated for 9 months so a year apart. I am now working myself out of debt. Not alot but boy 10 hr days are exhausting. . stay strong. And hold your head high theres more to you then this CG.. As i type this to you i too feel the weakness that gambling brings. We need and do support each other here..lean on us in times of weakness and provide encouragement and advice in times of strength. .we are listening. .

[i-did-it]

Hi Rainman,
Hope you are feeling somewhat better

[Jonny123987]

You gambling again rainmen?

[Jonny123987]

Hey Rainman,

See you on the fourth replace man! Hit me up then. See you after the next evolution.

[Author]

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