[Steev]

I wasn’t an abused child.  I was a neglected child.  My father never had any interest in me that I can recall – and my mother’s depression was so bad that she could go for days without acknowledging that I was there.  I was the dirty smelly kid, the “Pigpen”.  I liked to get out and about in muddy pools and into the woods and we didn’t have a bath at home.  I never cleaned my teeth.  My diet was appalling leading to problems later in life. I had few friends. But, this neglect also had positives – as an only child it meant that I had no-one to answer to and that I could go anywhere and not be missed.  It meant that I could escape the northern industrial town on my bike and cycle as far as the coast some 2 hours away … Places where there were gambling arcades – but then I only had a child’s pocket money.

That all changed when I left school at 16 and started my first job.  After buying a new bike – I never again made a big purchase but put all my excess cash towards gambling. I also discovered pubs – and the UK drinking culture and girls.  Eventually one lass found me attractive (she had “beer goggles I think”) and we became an item.  Within a few months I found my escape from my depressed mother and I moved in with “J” and her mother. 

J’s problem was drink – she had been drinking heavily since the age of 13 and her mother found it difficult to control her – as did I.  So, what a couple we were – an alcoholic married (we tied the knot a couple of years later) to a compulsive gambler.  I have to say that I was only in the marriage because I had such low self esteem that I thought no-one else would want me and I didn’t want to let her down.

But, of course, that was no basis for a lasting marriage – and through the haze of all the gambling I was doing I came to realise that.  She lost her job and I supported her through her career change to nursing, then I lost my job.

Now I had started as a driver’s mate on the lorries going to the docks.  Then they found out I had qualifications from school so I was put into the offices.  When I was made redundant it was as an Area Sales Manager with my own office and company car with unlimited mileage.  Not something I was ever going to reach again.  I spent a year looking for sales work – then was put on a work programme for shop work in a bookshop – and took a 2 week course in career change planning.  It didn’t work for me – I still didn’t know what I wanted to do career wise but I had enjoyed the process of looking into different careers so much that I decided to become a careers adviser and so took up the training for that.

It was a two year course – the second year being a placement in a careers office and it was at this point that I decided to leave J and go it alone.  I moved to the Midlands where I knew nobody and only had the local pub and its slot machine for company.  I can’t say when I moved from “normal” gambling into being compulsive … do we ever know?  But that time marked a change.  I remember being in the pubs most evenings – hardly drinking because that would take up good gambling time … and at weekends I would go into Birmingham and always landed in the arcades or occasionally casinos. 

Then my mother became ill – so I moved back north to be nearer to her (by now J had found someone else) and that year became the year it all blew up.  In one year I moved home 3 times – J started divorce proceedings – I changed job twice and my mother died.

We had had a row last time we met face to face – so I hadn’t contacted my mother in a couple of weeks.  July 16^th was her birthday.  I sent a card a couple of days before and on the day I planned just to phone her.  It was about 8pm when I made the call – and I got no answer.  I then knew there was a problem because she never left the house at night, (hardly in the day) so I had to go there.

When I arrived, the gate and door were unlocked (not usual) and I walked in to find her.  I dialled 999 knowing that there was no point in an ambulance – but they came anyway as well as the police and a doctor.  The inquest said an open verdict (there was no note) but it seemed so set up for me to find her, (birthday – house unlocked,) that I still feel she made it happen.  Her unopened card was still on the mat.

I gambled on the day of the funeral.  I gambled with the money I found around the house.  I sold her house – used some to put a deposit on a mortgage (my best ever move) and the deposit on a new car – and gambled the rest.  I think when the last of it had gone and I started to move into debt – that was when I decided that I needed to do something about the addiction I now acknowledged I had.  But I will leave the story of my “recovery” for another post.

[Steev]

of my post above. I would edit it out but there seems to be no way of doing that when it is a first post.

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev , thank you for sharing .
When I read the sadnesses you have known I feel so privileged.
You have had so much pain in your life and yet you are resilient -you not only managed to sustain your recovery , are currently living out a lifelong dream but you also take the time to support others .

[Monica1]

Thank you for sharing your story. Takes courage to do that. Will catch up with u soon.

[vera]

Thanks for posting on my thread, Steev. Life is a mystery, no doubt! Sorry to hear you had “gut” problems on your travels. Nothing worse! I remember travelling through France many years ago with four people I didn’t know too well and I went “belly up” in the back seat. The only toilets were “hole in the floor” type. The driver was intent on reaching our destination. I didn’t know him well but I could see he was “eyeing me up” on that trip a journey that had a major impact on the next ten years of my life. That was long before I gambled but that whole “affair” (small A) ended up with my seeking solace in the wrong place…

Memories, memories, memories!

I wish I could speak French. I wasted so many years doing what amounted to nothing.

Safe travelling, Steev and thanks for taking time to support all on GT.

[i-did-it]

Bonjour Steev!
I did French at school, can’t string a sentence together now but it always amazes me when I go to France that the words and even a few phrases reappear from some deep and long forgotten part of my brain.

I hope you are having a great time!
vous êtes vivre le rêve

[Steev]

I am getting by on my schoolboy french – but I am beginning to long for a chat in English.  I’m also resting up at the moment because I have blisters from walking so much.  Not having a car is proving to be an issue after all.  Useful learning for me.  I am in Belgium for a couple more weeks and then move onto Germany which will be even more challenging because I only know a few words of German.

Not sure I am living the dream – but I am discovering a lot about myself and about the world.

Keep happy!

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev, I keep missing you in group .
Hope all is good with you and you are still enjoying your travels .

[Steev]

Hi Idi – yes I keep shouting – I’m here, I’m here in group but you don’t seem able to hear me.  I have just left Berlin and am in a place called Blankenese which is about 45 minutes west of Hamburg (by train) and apparently is the “posh” end of town.  It is certainly very quiet … which is what I like!

Thanks for reminding me that I have not updated my story for a while – the OP was a month ago – so I will try and do that over the next few days.

I have been trying to think what it took for me to stay stopped – as I notice so many struggling with this at the moment.  The trouble is that it was so long ago now that I find it hard to remember and as I get older my memory doesn’t get any better.  But I think the main thing was having compassion for myself – working particularly in counselling to realise that I deserve a good life and so not to put myself through anymore pain.

I still struggle with thinking “I don’t deserve this.”  But I am only now enjoying the life that I have always wanted.  Still better late than never.

I hope I might actually catch you in group soon.  Take care.

[Goodenough]

thank You for shar your story.  It helps a me a great deal

[Goodenough]

Hello thanks for acknowledging me in the forum my response was cut off trying to navigate the site

[Goodenough]

Hello thanks for acknowledging me in the forum my response was cut off trying to navigate the site

[Author]

Posts