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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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Following last nights /early hours losses I have self excluded myself from the websites I primarily used. I also sent an email to the gambling company as my ￡2000 restriction per day was not enforced. I wonder if they’ll perhaps consider refunding but I am not holding my breath. They replied stating they would investigate thoroughly and inform me of their decision.
In the meantime I’m focusing now on my baby and reminding myself that gambling will only lead to pain and destruction for me. I’m very impulsive and can see how gambling can draw me in and lead me to make crazy bets
I’m transferring the rest of my savings into a joint account with my husband which I will not hold a bank card for
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Woke up half an hour ago feeling drained with a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about the amount of money I lost in the space on half an hour. Looked at my bank balance, healthy enough,can come back from that terrible binge that has taken away my and my husband‘s hard work over the year. Showed my husband my bank balance and he felt better seeing that the damage was not irreparable. I cannot stop feeling, however, that l could have had a much healthier balance, and reached my 100k mark, had I not just squandered that money away. Every penny, I had learnt from an early age, every penny ought to be respected and earned honesty. I disrespected my hard work and my partners’. That’s hard to accept, hard to let go. I know I will eventually. I kept replaying the big wins in my head and imagined myself self excluding at that perfect moment. But no…. it ended how it ended with me 20k down. I hope the rest of the day brightens up and my mind settles. I am in the right place and things can only get better god willing.
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If I could take it back I would. Looking at the happy face of my daughter makes me realise what a big loser I was. Chasing something I actually didn’t even need. What would an extra 10-15k bought to my life anyway?
I had all I needed right I front of me and I was too blind to see it.
Thank you god for all my blessings… please keep me on the right path of love caring and sharing. It’s my close relationships that matter and need nourishment, not the online slots!
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Hi Meghna
Well done for excluding. You talk using ￡ so im assuming your in the UK.
Have you heard of Gamstop. Gamstop UK’s national online self-exclusion scheme. https://www.gamstop.co.uk/
Why not pop onto the helpline to look at other options available
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tried gamstop but somehow my details didn’t register , will try again later. So slipped a little today and did a free spin on two online casinos and then blocked myselF.
Keep looking at the damage on my bank account and what my balance would have been if I hadn’t gone on that binge.
I have some money coming from a personal loan I made to a family member so that gap will fill eventually.
I hope I can steer clear of the sites for now and forever. Going to my husbands shop now so will be busy and not get twitchy fingers (watch this space…)
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When is any amount enough? Put forward ￡700 eventually built that up to ￡6300. Withdrew ￡5k and then played the ￡1300 to end up ‘winning’ ￡4600. Calculated all my losses from the beginning of April 2019 to 5th May 2019. Yes!!! Up by ￡4000 so I won!!!! W ended up losing ￡4600 plus another 14,000 from my savings in less than 20 minutes. Upped the stakes, got greedy. The lion bit a chunk out of me… My point is… 1k 2k 3 k 50k jackpot mega jackpot is never enough. We end up going for more, risking more. My children will hopefully value honestly earned money as you did. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and feelings. Helps me grow as a person each day.
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Please self exclude. Stop now while you have money. Tell your husband about your temptations and get him to put the money in a safer account where you can’t access it. I have stopped but probably mostly due to having no money left. I’m sure that in your position I’d be tempted also. My partner and I have seperate accounts and one joint account for bills so I haven’t had access to any of his hard earned money. He’s not an understanding man though and would be very angry if he knew what I had done.
My daughter and I have been downloading a lot of logo quizzes. It’s something to do other than gambling and it’s free.
Please keep coming here. It’s helping me a lot in these early days X -
hi RG,
yes I see the Meghan thing. Meghna is an indian name.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. You’re right, I need to fill the time doing things I like. steev‘ s post reminded me of this also.
mummy group is a good ideA. I think I also need a holiday. Since falling pregnant in feb last year, I’ve not been anywhere….perhaps a trip to Sicily or Rome and Naples or athens.
hubby works so hard and it would be a nice surprise for him. I start work in july so a nice break, before I’m back in the thick of it, will be uplifting.
thank you again
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Feeling like a real failure. Played yesterday on roulette and today. Gambled for hours and “won” 4K. Lost it all again today in minutes . Would have lost 1k of my own money but somehow stopped myself.
Blocked myself from these sites.
I clearly have a problem and need more obstructions.
Plaza I wish I had read your posts before I did that.
:’(
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I gambled again yesterday and the early hours of today. I would have lost money but played again and blocked myself. I managed to get back some of the 4K I lost but not feeling good about any of this. This false dependency on ‘winning’, chasing my big losses makes me anxious, short tempered and aloof at home. I am afraid that tonight will bring the worst out in me. As soon as I have put my baby down, I start getting the urge to play. I will come on this page tonight to post at around that time and see if I can make it my day 1 GF… again. This cycle is getting rather tiresome and is draining me.
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Hi Amir,
every word you wrote spoke out to me. I, like you, feel extremely ashamed about gambling and fearful of my family finding out. That responsible and pragmatic young girl my parents raised and my siblings once knew is no more.
Please dont apologise for being religious/ spiritual, this is personal to you and the way in which you express your thoughts and emotions. No one is judging you.
I also feel that I have wasted away years of hard earned income.
What you wrote about “who when he was successful and having enough money to save wasn’t that good man, and maybe this humiliation I feel is very useful for me on a spiritual level to realise how vulnerable is a human and be really humble and accepts this lesson and all the future ones while being broken and poor in spirit. knowing that my smartness and capabilities didn’t led me to a good situation and I need to improve and I do need God’s grace in my life.”
I feel that hit the nail on the head about me and how I viewed myself among my friends and family.
I think I have become far more forgiving towards others and more empathetic since my relapse. I found it hard to forgive those that made mistakes around me including my husband and I feel that my misfortunes have made me realise that I am flawed and fallible. I am human. I am humbled finally submit, I need god in my life to give me strength, discipline and guidance. I rknow now that I CANNOT CONTROL everything
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Hopefully that’s would be a gambling free day for all of us.
Yes, we are those who understood that we cannot control everything, and maybe that would be a good start with a belief that some other might have some hard time to accept.
” for without me you can do nothing” John 15:5.
Let’s look a the bright side that we did lost money but we gained a belief that can be the key to a new way full of blessings knowing that this way can replace our weak and limited capabilities with God’s unlimited capabilities.
Amir
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I actually don’t know where to start. It’s all down to chasing losses. Playing free spins is actually never playing free spins. It lead to me playing small amounts and then back to the big amounts again. ‘Won’ and then lost again. This time losing near to ￡4,000 again !!!
I don’t know what to say. Feeling ashamed. Angry with myself. Disgusted with my own stupidity. Won’t I ever learn??? Gambling even with free spins IS GAMBLING STILL and I will only end up losing.
The night before last I self excluded on two new sites I played on following my losses. The high and low with gambling is so so tiring. Mentally and emotionally straining and has lead to lack of sleep and peace of mind for the last week. I thought I had learnt my lesson from last time and I did not gamble for a while too.
Last night around 11.30 pm, I switched my phone off and spent time with my baby. Then went to bed. I slept after days of staying awake at night on casino sites. I slept so well and felt so relieved knowing that my phone was switched off and the online casinos were shut off. It helped psychologically.
I feel that every night, though I come in GT and then distract myself playing Tetris. Just having the phone in my hands eventually leads me to the gambling sites. Yesterday switching off the phone really helped. I will do the same again tonight. This phone will be switched off at 10pm.
Good luck everyone on your road to recovery. For now I will admit that I am a compulsive gambler. I gambled away my hard earned money since 1st April 2019 to 26th May 2019.
I refuse now to spend another penny destroying my peace of mind, my life and my child’s future!
This is my day 1 …
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Hi Meghna,
I think maybe the solution for us is to have a simple phone- yes it will mean no Netflix, bring cut off from family and friends we rely on apps to stay in touch with, no facebook or google, no GT – but when I think of how expensive our phones have become it would be so much cheaper to make a ￡100 phone call!I am just about to try set up an account with a bank which bans gambling transactions ( before my pay comes in).
Perhaps that is something you would consider also.It’s horrible – the gambling aftermath – but because our brains are addicted – we simply don’t learn . We need to avoid all triggers and retrain our brains .
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may gambling started in april 2019 and has grown out of control since then up to today. I feel mentally, physically and emotionally sick
my head is throbbing, my throat is dry and my stomach is churning. The highs and lows of gambling is gut wrenching.
I can’t trust myself. I feel unsafe being alone at home. That urge within in knows no boundaries.
I have blocked all gambling accounts I know of. I have emptied all money from my premier account to its limit (otherwise I lose the account)
Today is Monday 27th May 2019 and it is 8:06pm. London time. Today is my Day 1 again…(please god give me the strength)
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Hello Meghna,
I’m happy for you that you are keep trying and i’m very angry that we keep relapsing.
i totally agree with you that enjoy living our lives and make use of our day is a good way to feel that life is better away from gambling
me too when i felt an urge for playing few days ago ( i w as telling myself i will only play with 100 USD- withdraw if i reached 500- we all know that this will never be the case) so i took this 100 and bought 10 meals and went for a drive with a friend looking for homeless people (not beggars), i was shocked to found people in Cairo streets that didn’t ate for a week and he super happy was only a meal.
i got back home not thinking at all about gambling, feeling stupid of wasting money that even a tiny piece of this money (the value of a side bet) can really help someone else.The thousands we waste can be someone’s else miracle.
I wish we all don’t forget that we are all here because we can’t control our gambling habits and it’s better to not trust ourselves with the means to play.
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I relapsed again and lost ￡6000 of my savings. This was 2days ago. My balance is now very very low and that deposit for my future home is looking small. I felt horrible because I left my husband in the living room eating while I did it. Self destructive on my part I finally handed over my last bank account card to my husband and admitted I was thinking about gambling again following my last big loss (I couldn’t tell him what I had just done, he’d lose sleep and his peace of mind over it) I am now going to pay for things with cash only to avoid anything happening again. Cash in hand would not get me to spend it or do what I did (can’t even say the word) I am terrified of what I am capable of.
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I just wanted to add that I have read through some journals and a “windfall” or “win” is not a win. Clearly it is a loss. An illusion of a win only to get us to part with more of our money. I do not want to ever think or say “I won” or following my “big win”. That is not true at all. I only lost. I lost my honestly earned money.
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“Terrified of what I am capable of” summarizes perfectly the mindset of a Compulsive Gambler, when in action.
And you are right. No “win” will satisfy us. Our need to gamble is insatiable once we start. A “win” is a high interest loan.
I feel for you Meghna.
The whole gambling scenario is nothing short of demonic.
We need to turn away from it. It ruins lives.
Money is only the tip of the iceberg.
When it takes your soul, it could be too late.
Never give up.
Life without inviting this madness into our homes can be so much better.
I’m following your thread.
Keep posting. -
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Hello Meghna,
please stop thinking about the money you lost and the money you still need to make your deposit for the house, that’s a very good trigger to start gambling.
U can buy one of those investment pots that banks offers ( not sure about the right english term for it) u make the deposit and the bank keeps the money away for a year and gives it back with some interest. i think that’s the best way to save your money is to keep it out of your reach for a good amount of time.
U made this money once and you will make it again, do not worry.
” So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten” Joel 2:25
Keep praying, and i’m praying for you.
Stay strong, and please stop thinking about the money.Amir
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I was born into a Muslim family. I guess I am Muslim and believe in a creator.
No not an inappropriate question at all.
god definitely showed me that material wealth is impermanent. I won’t take anything for granted and also assume that tough times will not come my way. I will accept the low times in my life also
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Hi RG
thanks for your advice though your reflection of “The amounts you are losing are breathtaking to me” wasn’t helpful to hear. I’d rather such reactions are kept to yourself. I wouldn’t go and post such comments on someone’s thread, whether they lose ￡100 or ￡100,000.
some people bet less some more. Some have lost hundreds of thousands, homes, relationships whilst others much less. I thankfully have not got myself in debt nor lost my house or job. Yes I have a gambling problem like us all here and dwelling on the amounts lost will not help me fight the problem, neither is listening to others ‘breathtaking‘ reactions.
I will tell my husband in my own time, when I am ready. We spoke yesterday about gambling and I suspect he knows I lost again by what we discussed. He helped me yesterday get away from my phone at night By taking it away.
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I have restricted my access to funds again and will begin again. I will not give up on my recovery
I will fall again and again and again but I will pick myself up each time with positivity and a drive to kick this insidious habit. This is my journey, my recovery and I will take each step in my own way, as others have done (Many successfully) to aid my recovery.
This is my Day 1. I will not gamble today
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There is a “rule”/”condition”/ “understanding” in GA that members do not mention sums of money.
I find this very helpful.
I do wish GT would implement a similar condition.
The CG part of my psyche can’t handle thoughts about money, in the same way that I can’t/should not handle money in real life.
Thinking about lost money affects me badly.
Just wonder how this sits with you, Meghna? -
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Hi Meghna, well done on getting back here and posting. When it comes to amounts everything is relative of course. What I would say though is that the amounts you have mentioned sound like more money that you need easy access to. It is good that you have restricted your access again, I would recommend keeping those restrictions in place this time. “….I will fall again and again and again…..” That doesn’t have to be the case. Yes, slips can happen, if they do we can learn from them, but it is wrong to think that they are inevitable. We can all choose not to place our next bet, one day at a time. Keep posting.
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I did not gamble yesterday despite worrying about my bank balance.
I stayed up late sorting paperwork and ordered hospital pics of my baby.
I will admit that I am worried about the state of my bank balance.
Nonetheless I did not gamble yesterday and I will not gamble today.
Today is my day 4 GF. I will not gamble today.
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I hear you on the bank balance issue, Meghna.
It seems a lot of “shadow transactions” appear when there is hyper activity on an account. A manifestation of the out of control behaviour a CG gets caught up in when in action.
Well done on your 4 GF days.
I vowed I wouldn’t gamble last night.
I didn’t!
Off to meet a friend for a day trip now so I’m safe for the next ten hours!
Enjoy your baby. Stay close to your family. Gambling has nothing to do with Real Life! -
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I did not gamble yesterday or the day before that. That was a choice I made consciously, without clouded judgement.
Today is my day 5 GF
I am not in debt and I am about to go on holiday to Italy with my baby for our first holidayI will not gamble today
Thank you everyone for your positivity and sharing your stories
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I did not gamble yesterday nor the day before so I will not gamble today. One of the casinos has not paid out my withdrawal I made on 7th June. That’s playing on my mind as It’s not a small amount. Don’t wish to gamble at all. Just want my money back I have written a complaint email and sent it. No news from them other than I will hear back from them I shouldn’t have gambled in the first place. 2days till Italy and I plan to visit the Vatican. I love the drama that the French and Italians bring to life! Des moules and carbonara…. yes please!
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Just read your thread. So similar to mine and give me chills because it was like i was reading my own. Same amounts. AMe chasing, same self loathing, same relapses. It’s crazy. You are not alone and I am here with you every step of the way. Enjoy your vacation, your family, experiences .. things money can’t buy, things gambling stripped us of and robbed us of our happiness and time. I am day 4 today g free, working lots trying to grow my business. Saving money chipping away at my debt the right way. I know you can do it, you are strong. You know you will always be able to make money and save, but if we gamble and relapse, we start this mental torture all again. I wish you nothing but happiness. Never look back, we are in this war together and we are stronger than any bet. Believe that.
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thanks murr.
i really appreciate your words and I definitely find myself in your shoes when reading your thread. Both comforting and scary
i know what it’s like losing all sense of amount, waiting to win big and that impulsivity overpowering my reasonable judgement
I have found myself in a loop of bet, huge loss, in shock, full of regret, vowing never again (though in earnest) it has weakened my mind, clouded by good judgement and knocked my confidencE ( when facing my closest people) that person is not me.
We can rewire our minds. Make them less desensitised to higher amounts of money. I already feel like counting pennies is helping me. budgeting, buying cheap, looking for offers. Choosing one rather than two or three Is actually helping me.
Murr today is another GF day for us. It is! Let’s take back control
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I couldn’t tell any one other than my husband
firstly because I felt shattered, broken, conlfused, ashamed
Secondly his life is affected by my actions and vice versa, he needed to know
Others do not need to know as it doesn’t directly affect them. My gaining or losing financially will not affect them financially
I have relapsed at times and couldn’t always share them with my husband immediately because i felt terrible about what I had done. I began questioning my character and just wanted the earth to swallow me uP. I did tell him, in the end, the most part of what was going on with me and he has been helping me with barriers. Gamstop, taking away cards, and stopped giving me more money each week (now he’s putting it in savings himself) I am 190% ok with that.
I feel pain causing him pain
He has prayed and fasted for my and my baby’s wellbeing.
I have lost nothing by telling him and instead gained support, respect and care from him. Of course he was upset to begin with, not knowing or understandlong what problem gambling was or looked like.
It’s when we fall and remain loyal and honest with our closest that earns us the respect. I love him for all his kind words and encouragement since this struggle started.
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Good to hear your vacation was great!! Stay positive and keep going forward, never looking back. I’m day 11 today. We got this! I know what you mean about spending money on material things, we become frugal yet we blow thousands in minutes gambling with nothing to show for it. What a nightmare. I can’t wait to look back once I am out of
This hole and think of how expensive of a lesson this was tk us. We will move forward and enjoy
Life the way it’s supposed to be, with no gambling . I hope you’re pregnancy test comes back positive ! Bring new life into the world , now that’s something to look forward to. -
Thanks murr. Waiting to retake the test around 20th of this month
How are things with you
I am back at work and feeling the fatigue. I’ll get a wage this months thank god .
If I am pregnant i need to get.my finances in order as we’d need to buy a house ASAP
For now I just want to sleep
No gambling for me!!!
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Woohoo
Though bad news at work. I’ve been given a lesser position after returning back from maternity leave
I’ve contacted my union who say that because my contract is a generic job description on paper, my employer can get away with it
Had a few tears because of this
Another faint line on the pregnancy test . . .
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My return to work has proven to be more of a challenge than I anticipated.
I have been given a lesser role for September which gives me lesser responsibility and has made me extremely anxious and unhappy. I have asked to meet with my boss and am waiting on the reply
I thought about the difficulties faced by returning to work mothers and the injustices and humiliation faced by some, simply because they chose to give life. I find it cruel and corrupt. Who says the western world is more advanced or enlightened with women’s rights? BS in my view and a looong way to go before such claims are made.
I read a few journals online about return to work women and there are so many stories of unfair treatment or demotions and paycuts caused by pregnancy and motherhood
No gambling to add to my load or cloud my judgement
I read a few threads of wives with CG husbands who have gambled away hundreds of thousands and who are still in denial about their addiction.
I can say today that I am a problem gambler. One bet is simply not enough for me and I
Lose control when I bet.
I have made the conscious decision to stop and I did not gamble yesterday nor the day before and I will not gamble today.
I am responsible for the financial damage to my family and I own it.
I pray I will never find myself there again.
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And remember bow gambling made you feel, depressed, self loathing , self hatred, regret, disappointment.., hating ourselves for what we did to our finances and our loved ones… remember if
You ever get the urge, remember how you felt. I never want to feel
That pain again, and you don’t either. Keep going… keep posting, we got this together . -
Thanks murr for your unending support and energy. I really don’t feel an urge to gamble and even when pressure is on from work. Coming on the forum has become a good habit for me to read people’s progress and remind myself of the dangers of gambling.
My self loathing has stopped. I have enough to live on and am back at work.
Work life isn’t great and I am taking each day as it comes.
So I am not pregnant but I would like to be…
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Hi RG,
Thank you for your kind words and well wishes on my first milestone.
So how my life has benefitted from staying away from gambling…
If I think back to a particular morning. I woke up having gambled and lost about 5-6k the night before. I had a sick feeling in my stomach and was low and really didn’t want to wake up and face my baby and husband. I was really negative to him and whatever he said I snapped back in order to avoid any daily life issues or responsibilities I had for my family.
That morning I continued to gamble and staked a huge amount on slots (￡500-￡600 a spin) set my heart racing and was in zombie mode, square eyed, dazed. Out of control. I ‘won’ on the last spin and then my mood rocketed from down and grey to euphoric and upbeat. My husband asked me what was wrong with me as I had only minutes ago shut him off and everything he had said.
I feel sick thinking about that moment. I feel ashamed and I was stunned by how I went from low to high in minutes. Horrible, scary
So today:
I face everyday in its real form
I don’t seek to escape
I think Logically about everyday obstacles
I am Present in mind and body for my baby and the father of my child
I would like another baby and grow my family
I started work and though it has bought some worry and a lot of fatigue, I feel good knowing I am contributing to my family’s pot
I no longer hide my phone or fear my husband might find anything to do with gambling
I have stopped regretting
I no longer put pressure on myself to buy our first home and instead focus on the here and now to build my future.
I am no longer a slave to a destructive habit
I choose not to be dependent on a damaging activity
I feel free
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So tired from work. Fell asleep in the other room after shutting my eyes. My baby was asleep at the time. Never have I dozed off into such a deep sleep like knocked out by pills. Woke up to a screaming baby, she’d fallen off the bed. Horrible fear and guilt whilst picking her up, dazed and unaware of my surroundings. Fatigue…
Baby is ok now but never will I leave her alone whilst asleep. She’s crawling now so can move off at any time.
No gambling to add to it all. Thank you god
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I like what kin wrote earlier today. I too do not have money to lose on gambling. I cannot afford it. I am receiving emails from gambling sites despite being on GamStop. Even ones I am banned from send me emails I don’t like to see the names of the sites. It make me remember past gaming which I find throws me a little. Luckily GamStop is helping me steer clear
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Giving advice or listening and sharing with others in the same boat, when you are on the path to recovery yourself, is so rewarding
1. It reinforces your beliefs and positive mindset to quit
2. Reminds you that each hour in the day staying Gf was once a struggle. Previously Not knowing if you’d get through even a few hours without gambling. Now it’s like counting easily off the calendar without a second thought
3. Shows that you can make a positive difference to someone else’s life by sharing your recovery strategies but also the habits that led to your own failures which others can avoidThank you everyone
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Today I learned that I am not an addict or a gambler- I am a person who has been mAking unhealthy behavioural choices.
I learned that I have a choice .
I learned that an urge lasts about 20 minutes. If I choose to do something else during this time it will pass.
I learned that If I choose to make an unhealthy choice it impacts on my hierarchy of values – I might consider my health or my family as number one on this hierarchy but when I choose an unhealthy behaviour I am putting the behaviour above everything else in on my list. I am compromising my hierarchy of values .
Thank you I. D. I
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Really clearing up and organising the house. There was a heatwave In London the day before last and it made me realise just how little I am able to do in that kind of heat.
So nice to see my baby up and about. Less strain on my arms and I get to watch her from a distance. I have given up a lot having her but have gained so much more.
No thoughts of gambling and happy to be more emotionally stable compared to Before.
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Life throws so much at us. Work personal relationships, bills, children. Add gambling to the mix… chaos, confusion, anger, hate, on repeat, in a loop. Losing your head.
Happy that I’m off work for the holidays. Going to Paris on Wednesday with my friend who just passed her Phd. Looking for gift ideas that aren’t too pricey. Anyone have any ideas?
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He was shocked, angry and then quiet. But he began to understand what led me there and he helped me put obstacles in the way of gambling. The best thing he did was reassure me that I could stop and never reminded me of what I’d done. Rather he said he had faith in me and that we’d get back on track financially.
his belief in me was a wake up call. I know that if I wanted to I could lie and hide from him, even argue my way out of it as it was ‘my money’ ( in my personal account) but I realised I had to save me from myself. The impulsive CG self. Otherwise i would lose everything including my sanitY. I have a baby now and I just couldn’t afford to take the path of self destruction ( and their destruction too as what I do affects them)
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Day 50
I reached today thanks to the support of many on this forum and the threads that were written for people like me to read.
My husband and baby are really my main motivation to overcome this hurdle in my life. I am so blessed to have them, a roof over our heads, food and good health. That’s all I dreamt of back in 2016 when my 8 year relationship ended and I drove back to London.
I am in a much better place compared to April this year.
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We cannot look back and dwell on what could have been or what we could have done different, but we sure as heck can not make the same mistake we did gambling. Our minds will slowly move on from our losses and we will live every day till our last breath on earth gamble free, that is the mind set we must have to continue this beautiful life. Your family and child, means so much more than any amount of money, and you have much time to rebuild with some amazing people in your corner, including myself. I believe in you and I believe we will look back on this in a year, with money saved, a clear positive mind. And a gamble free life. I’m rooting for you and I know you’re rooting for me too. Let’s keep fightimy, keep going, and growing, our bank accounts. And also our gamble free days. God bless!! Onwards and upwards. Never look
back.
Day 51.
9 days until 2 months sober. Yes I will treat this just like a drug, because gambling ruined my life temporarily just like drugs and alcohol did At one point.
got To keep fighting.
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Reading through my initial posts on
The thread was terrifying. As I read onwards my head was pounding in terror at how I was going from bad to worse. Going through thousands and thousands. Out of control. Unpredictable. On a speed train that is gambling and screaming in pain to get off.(Deep Breath) wow. What a nightmare I lived. What a horror show gambling showed me. It took and it took. It reduced me into an impulsive, uncontrollable gambling zombie. My sane reasonable self trying to make sense of it all the while.
I feel sorry and sad that I Was blinded.
Gambling is toxic, destructive, false.
How something clicked in my head to walk away, I don’t know.
I have walked away and I never ever want to relive that nightmare. I hope everyone on this forum can look back at the nightmares they have lived due to gambling too and walk away from it for good .
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I am so proud of you going so strong.
I was so happy to be on the same page as you
I was so motivated to stay gamble free
Alcohol took over my brain
And made me lose all logic.
Keep going meg. You motivate me to get back to where you are now and where I was just on Friday.
Thank you for always thinking of me, bless your soul. -
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Day 67.
I didn’t deserve what happened to me but I made bad choices. I also was very ignorant when doing it and I wish I knew what I know now.
I am in a better place than I was 67 days ago and am certain that I will be in a better place this time next year so long as gambling is out of the equation
I am finally awake
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what keeps me gf is knowing that I am missing nothing. I have everything to gain and nothing to lose by staying gf
I sleep at night
i no longer hide my phone
i am no longer paranoid about anyone finding out
i no longer check my bank balance every second
I am no longer shuffling money about to hide the gaps
I face everyday issues with a clear mind
I no longer seek escapism
I am less of an overly emotional, impulsive partner
I no longer feel self loathing and guilt
i No longer feel like I am a bad person
i am more confident
So if I gamble, I basically take on the opposite of that all. I welcome all those problems back into my life.
i say no for now and forever,
I am certain that my finances will look after themselves if I choose not to gamble. Gambling will never help my finances, my personal life, my professional life, my peace of mind, my well being, my growth as a person.
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Thanks for posting to my thread, Meghna and well done on 69 G free days.
The reason today is so difficult for me is because I had a very good “Withdrawal Pending”which would have been cleared today.
I reversed . Lost heavily and chased it.
‘Nuff said!
Sick to my heart over it . I really needed that money. -
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I will never leave the door open for ruin. I will never be influenced to gamble however convincing the argument may be, gambling, chasing losses, waiting for the big win is a losers game, false. I lost and I don’t want to be there again.
Obstacles are my shield against this insidious activity.
Next year and the next and the next will make my nightmare of gambling more distant from me. May it stay away forever
With each day that passes my reasonable mind grows stronger
Thank you god
I will not make excuses to gamble or justify my gambling or leaving the door open. Gambling is a choice, the wrong one clearly
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So I started playing Tetris quite obsessively on my phone for the past four weeks. Thought it would help me move on from the G and was a game I played during my time out. Except I’ve started playing it at times when i have important things to do.
This morning I found myself playing Thor’s lightning demo version online and I realised that I was back to allowing the slots in. Then I ended up playing for real on a non uk website. So I relapsed ?? ofcourse I lost the money.I feel like crap really but definitely a lesson learned that I can’t replace G with games that imitate it. It will only trigger that behaviour.
I downloaded Gamban on my phone, it’s free for the first 14 days but I will buy it after. What good about it is that your cannot remove it once your have installed it on the phone. So today is my day 1 again.
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It’s weird but I felt like the signs were there, playing Tetris like mad and writing to myself to reinforce the message about gambling evils to stop me
All said and done, gambling is a choice and I made the wrong choice this time
so gamban in place and Tetris deleted. I am joining the gym tomorrow
” if nothing changes theN. Nothing changes” that seems to be on my
mind lately
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Sorry Meghan. Way to go getting right back on track, as most of us, at least myself would of kept chasing. “Just give me my money back than I will quit” “ just give me half back.” Etc etc. It scares me how easily we can get sucked right back in. I am truly happy that you were able to stop and recognize where you went wrong, admit it and carry on. Prayers my friend.
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I’m the same way M. I start with watching the YouTube videos then I end up looking and doing all things innocent, then I am playing for real before I know it. Its like the old “bait and switch” routine but its our own brains tricking us i to giving it what it wants. I gave gamban on EVERYTHING I can play on now. If I want to play I shall have to travel a great distance and I hope that will be enough of a deterrent to stop the slips. I will gave 2 hours to think about it before I get there. Hope this works too. The gym is a great idea to get you moving and make you feel better about yourself. Maybe I will start up again too. Best to you and stay strong
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Hi Meghna
This isn’t the same as your original day one because you have learned lessons and these will strengthen your recovery.
I think counselling might be helpful for you – I certainly remember feeling really lonely when I had my baby and although I absolutely adored him, I felt quite isolated from the life and people I had pre- baby.
Gamcare provide free counselling which you can do online and might be worth considering .
Well done on raising your barriers . -
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Sorry for your relapse meg. Sometimes I wonder
If reading other people’s relapses makes us relapse. And I feel terrible. But maybe it’s the opposite and we just relapse from
Triggers, and reading others relapse makes us want to stay g free. My relapse was awful and it’s been one week. We are in this together and I’m always here for ya. Let’s continue to go strong. Gambling hangovers are something I never want to
Experience again. Gambling debt is brutal. -
Thanks so much RG for your insight and thoughtful comments
i love the rumi quotes, they were so much needed by me. They made me stop and think
“Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open?” I feel this with many aspects of my life right now. I do feel trapped in many ways
“As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.” This is so so helpful to me. Embarking on a Journey that requires work and patience and faith is so difficult for me at this moment in my life. The unknown brings on anxiety
thanks so much for sharing
wishing you well RG x
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I was thinking the same about the relapse. Who knows.
I lost more money which I couldn’t really afford to lose, that hurts a lot
but I’m starting the Journey again my friend. The alternative is much worse. Time And patience are my challenges right now.
Lets keep ouR heads up and our minds clear
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Hi Meghna,
Sorry to read about your recent re-lapse, you have to stay strong and keep trying again n again.
We are all humans and are programmed to make mistakes, be patient and you will be stronger as the time goes by, it will get easier. All the very best with GF days, months and years.. -
Hi Meghna,
I am so sorry to read about your last gamble.
You are doing well and I thought the arrival of your newborn can stop your gambling.
I really do not wish you to go through the pain and suffering that I have went through in search of recovery from addiction.
I took almost 20 years to realize that staying gamble free alone is abstinence without recovery.
We need a Higher Power and a recovery program to help us recover. May you find them now.
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Still gf since last fall. Sad to hear about Murr
My uncle in law passed away so busy will the in laws and grieving.
I kind of don’t want to c o u n t days right now until I have a decent amount of time again gf. two months or so but do not wish to gamble at all. Never been to land based (except once with my ex. No losses or major gambling in Amsterdam ) and have gamban on all devices
No urge or wish to continue with G
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Thinking of you meg. I also don’t want to c o u n t days. We managed to get up to 70+ so let’s do it again. Thank you for your continuous support in my recovery and I hope I can help in yours too. One day at a time we will be at this demon. Sept is a new start to a new month and just think 2020 is just 4 months away. Let’s make these next 4 months gamble free, and then have a gamble free 2020. I know we can do this … we got to. It’s a matter of want. Always in my thoughts and prayers meg. Keep strong and also sorry for your loss. It’s crazy because my ex had cancer and beat it.. but she thinks it could be back again… I saw a quote that said “people think being broke and having no money is the problem… the real problem is being in a situation that not even money can fix” such as health and life. always have to c o u n t our blessings and be grateful to see another day and make things right.
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Murr,
so so nice to hear from you. You are working extremely hard to get back on your feet and it is extremely admirable. I know you will not gamble agaim. Your words are quite different and I like how you talk about what you are doing to move forwards rather than talking about figures lost. I have been reading your posts though have Not posted or replied myself.
So I relapsed as you know and since then I would lie if I said It doesnt hurt or I didn’t wish I could get the money back.This time though I felt quite vigilant and didn’t want to go further or chase mindlessly, no matter what the amounT. In fact I was afraid to do that and put more barriers in place.
I am bored of the damage it brings and it is guaranteed damage.
so the good news is I’m pregnant! Started work in September and really really tied up with work and then home duties.
over the moon that my baby will have a sibling soon.
Always wishing you the best and rooting for you my friend
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Hi hunny, just read your posts and I’m sorry to hear you relapsed again.
Congratulations on being pregnant what a nice thing to focus on!
I am starting my journey now, haven’t told anyone yet but need to get it off my chest. Everything you have said, I completely relate to.
It’s a big relief to see you managed to stop, even if you did relapse, you know you can do it again!!
Thinking of you and wish you all the best
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your words are poetic, they mean more to me than you will truly ever know. I am so happy to hear that news of you being pregnant. What an amazing thing to bring life to this beautiful world, and to shift focus from that evil thing I won’t mention, to brand new life. I’ve learnt that relapsing is all part of our journey and it really shapes us to be who we are and how we will make it out on top. its such a silly thing to think about the actual act of what we did, and I think this time is different for both of us. I truly believe we are done with this , through all of our ups and downs, I want to fight with you to make this year 2020 gamble free and every year after that. Like you used to say to me
i did not gamble yesterday
i will not gamble today
or tomorrow
or any day after that.
so nice to hear from you meg. You’ve helped me more than you will ever know through my recovery, and I commend you for that from the bottom of my heart.
keep in touch, and keep on fighting. To many more days gamble free
much love. Always.
-Stephen
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You have a new supporter here meg. I still need to read through your thread, started reading some but i need to get to sleep. I have work in 5 hours and im still awake reading on here lol.
From what i have seen, i can tell youre a nice person. We all deserve to move on in peace from this addiction. Congratulations on being pregnant. You must be so excited. I will be in touch, keep fighting and working on yourself. Talk soon ??
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Now you have one more reason to think before you gamble. Every now and then I watch documentaries about gambling, poverty and the like, and think about the situation I could be in, being a single mom. I think about leaving nothing for my children when I die because I have gambled it all away. So many relationships end due to the financial hardship caused by cg and now that you are pregnant again you stand to lose more than ever if you continue. Gamban on ALL devices is definately the way to go. Your mind will adjust to the change of not being able to gamble online soon enough, and then it just gets easier. I always liken it to having chocolate cake in the fridge when your on a diet. You may move on to something else to eat, but if you dont have the chocolate cake, you cant eat chocolate cake. If you cant gamble at home, you’ll do something else. Hope your pregnancy is an easy one. Keep posting
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Thank you Murr, Berta and Kin.
Since my last relapse in august I have not gambled. I gave up all my bank cards and deal only with cash now.
I am sorry to hear about your relapse murr. You really deserve a fresh start and renewed hope and motivation. It is in you and you must fight for it. Please be kind to yourself and stop the pain of gambling.
I am almost 9 weeks pregnant and busy with family life. The good news is that I am looking for a house to buy and have made a few offers. I felt sad at times thinking about the amount of deposit I would have had which would have given me a low interest rate and a good standing with paying stamp duty. However, still so optimistic and encouraged by the fact that I am putting the rest of my money into a worth while project.
My head is clearer and energy better placed since my last slip.
Things are looking up
Wishing everyone the very best
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Good to hear that you are doing so well Meg and that you are feeling up so that you can enjoy your pregnancy. Good vibes for the new life is what is best. I understand about the regret and the feelings that we must look back at what we’ve lost, but do not dwell on it. Life is full of regrets of all kinds but we must move forward and not make the same mistakes again. Sometimes i feel like thinking about the money lost is another way for our minds to draw us back in to try to recoup our losses, and I try not to let it bother me. I have too lost a lot from cg, and sometimes cry when I think about what I’ve done, but I know that I must keep moving forward and make the best of the situation I am in. Always remember there are so many others in worse situations and that where you are isnt really all that bad. I watch documentaries about poverty and people living paycheck to paycheck and thank God I was able to stop when I did. I know it is a cliche but there so many others worse off than you and I so let’s do our best to appreciate our situations and our efforts and enjoy another day gf.
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Still gf and feel like gambling was part of a previous life of mind. It’s so weird how when you stop and work on recovery, the brain can stop the toxic cycle.
I will stay vigilant but I do think not reading everyday about gambling helped me channel my energy elsewhere.
I am almost 16 weeks pregnant and will find out the gender of my baby on Saturday. Life is a blessing
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I can try to put into words how proud I am of you for overcoming this , but I truly can’t find the words. I just want you to know how amazing of a person you are and that you deserve nothing but happiness In life. I am so happy for your pregnancy, and obviously how you and your husband are clearly doing very well and he has forgiven you and you have forgiven yourself of this bad addiction. There is nothing more than I wanted to see than you come out on top, and persevere through the storm that we were in. It’s a distant memory and like you said, feels like it was in a past life. So I can try to thank you for being there for me, but there are no words to describe how much you helped me through my journey, even if at times you felt your words weren’t getting through to me during my many relapses, it all helped me become who I am on this very day, which is 2 months gamble free. I was so happy reading your positive update today, and I am right there with you. So many times I would come on here and tell you I had relapsed, or read you had, and it broke me inside, it’s so nice to see we are both on the path of a gamble free, happy life. Take Care my friend.
im wishing you and your family a very merry Christmas and a happy New Years. Do let me know the gender when you find out.
love always,
your friend Stephen
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Stephen,
it never ceases to amaze me how caring and giving you are to people that need help on GT. You always reach out and give anything you can to help others learn something from you. Whether it’s someone new on the forum or old. You take the time to read and respond and you are very sincere with your thoughts and feelings. Please know that it is appreciated.
thank you so much for consider the very little I did for you though I feel you helped me so much too. Know that I always follow your progress and am always wishing the best for you. You are very honest and sincere about your journey and know your weaknesses.
I hope your dad is well and that this tough time has put many things that actually matter higher up in the priority list. I am sure it has bought you closer to your loved ones. You are loved by so many ppl around you so believe that you will always do better and make the right choices. Love can help us overcome so many struggles in life.
thank you for your kind words. They really made me feel appreciated. I will definitely keep you posted about the baby in the making
take care of yourself stephen and keep sharing your positivity.
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Thank you IDI
so happy to hear so many positive steps we are all taking to avoid G damage. I’ve been following your progress and wishing you well with each update you give
you sound so focused and energised and it is helpful to hear about the positive steps you have taken to get were you are right now.
keep posting ??
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This message means so much to me. I really do try my best to give people the help and advice that was given to me, and if I can help anyone in the slightest way to beat this addiction, that means more than anything to me. I just feel like it’s so hard to talk to people in real life about it, people that haven’t experienced it, even professional councillors that haven’t experienced gambling addiction, they just went to school to study the brain and addiction. I find real life experience to be a better teacher. i Have been at rock bottom with this demon too many times to c ount and I want to be the proof that it’s never to late to get your life back to what it was before gambling, because we all seem to forget what that life is like when we’re in action. I’m so appreciative of your message and kind words and I want you to know the feeling is mutual. You are a kind soul who goes out of her way to help others – and not even having met you I can say you’ve helped me more than people in my real life who I’ve known for 15+ years who just didn’t understand what gambling addiction was, the type of people that tell you, “well, just stop gambling” I wish it was that easy and you know it takes a lot of hard work to stop, but once your brain is shifted to abstinence I feel like there’s a point where you legitimately will never gamble again. And I truly believe that’s where we are right now.
take care my friend.
keep on fighting the good fight!
god bless
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It’s 2020! Happy new year to everyone on this forum. Stephen happy new year my friend, wishing you the best for this new decade.
I have to agree with so many comments I have read today about gambling causing unnecessary stress, shifting money, counting, calculating, projecting. It’s all a nightmare. One way of self destructing. Not worth it. Imagine the years we pile on for this self inflicted pain and stress.
Still GF from august last year. I can not afford to look back. I feel very close to my husband and baby right now. My family is growing and it’s beautiful to be a part of it. I am fortunate in this life and really don’t need more money as it won’t change my feelings of contentment since choosing to stop G.
Life throws its problems at me but now I face them and work through them with my family.
Wishing you all well for this amazing new year!
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Do you believe in Mental telepathy, Megna? I have been thinking of you a lot recently. Perhaps it’s because my son’s wife is expecting our first grandchild next week or maybe it is a flashback to your earlier posts, describing how you “won” and lost and how hard your husband works and how you were deceiving him. I could be in the same room as my husband, gambling thousands while he sits in silence not noticing what is happening , until I scream at him “for nothing”…you described how “wins and “losses” caused similar mood swings which you took out on your baffled husband too.
Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you. When is your baby due and how is your little girl?
It’s approx 9 days since I gambled. I feel a bit “stuck”.
I managed to obtain a high interest loan to save face and sanity and to use as repayments on my other long standing debts.
I can’t afford to look back or look forward so I just look up.
I do believe God honours our genuine efforts to come back to the right road to salvation. I have one foot on that road now so I need to keep moving forward. Just for today there will be no turning back.
Thank you for following my thread. I guess you’re off work with this Covid-19 Pan (PLAN?)demic! I hope it runs it’s course quickly.
The worst thing a CG could be asked to do is “self isolate”.
Gambling can be more harmful than a million viruses and there is no vaccine for gambling.
Sadly people die if both things aren’t contained fast.
GOD HELP US ALL!
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Hi Meghna
Thank you for your post on my thread.Firstly you didn’t relapse so please do not treat what happened as a relapse.
You understand that you have an addiction to gambling and that at times will-power alone isn’t enough.
You put barriers in place and your barriers held up .You should be so proud of yourself.
You made this happen!
You sent a very strong message to the addiction that even during moments of weakness it can’t get you !
Well done Meghna – this is what barriers are for !
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I thought I would put this on my own thread to remember my journey.
I am still coming on GT to read.
I found myself in a difficult position so many times. My triggers are playing games (non g) like Tetris excessively. They seem to remind me of the ‘highs’ of G.
Unfortunately my other trigger is when my bank balance looks healthy and I start thinking about purchasing a house somewhere.
After my holiday in the states and my love of the life out in Florida, I found myself calculating money again and wanting to accelerate the process of saving for that dream home (in Florida this time). Some of my family live out there and when I was there I felt at home and extremely well as I had when I lived in Aix-en-Provence. That dream still exists ?? and I will have to be a lot more patient and hardworking to realise it.
I Think about the tremendous efforts I have put into my recovery and all the positive that has come out of it. G thoughts come and go, some stronger than others but my barriers are solid and will help me in a big way.
After my episode of depositing money in my hubby’s account, I shut down that account and transferred the entire balance to a savings account which doesn’t allow any internet transfers nor issues any cards for purchases. I felt a great sense of relief as I know that money is ‘safe’ from G (at least).
The boredom that may have triggered the relapse is now being addressed. I signed up to an échange linguistique site and have found some people I converse with in French and English via watsapp and voice calls. It has really evoked the amazing experiences I had whilst living abroad and reminded me of the great efforts I put in to adapt to living and working abroad (including learning a third language). I lived frugally and was very happy. I have a good foundation to build on and I realised that those skills have lay dorment for the past 4 years. Well not anymore!
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Hi Meghna
You are sending such a strong message to that addiction – you are letting it know that you are prepared for moments of weakness and you are filling your time with much better things.
You are safe because you have taken action to keep yourself safe .
You did this . You!
Well done -
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was thinking about what Relapseking wrote ‘… i get evil thoughts like hurting myself or stealing my money back from someone else….’
When I experienced a massive loss one night, almost ￡20k within half an hour, it was a sobering experience for me. At first I felt brain dead and kept blinking and looking at the screen, not believing what had happened. What I had done. How out of control I was.
The experience humbled me in a way. I always imagined myself to be quite intelligent and I was, at times, arrogant when thinking about my ability to make money and managing my finances. My husband always let me manage our money and at times I was pretty harsh with him for making poor financial decisions. Even his overspending would be mentioned by me. It’s a mindset which was nurtured by my father during my teens to adulthood. My father always said I had a good, steady head on my shoulders.
After that night, I never felt (and still don’t feel) that someone else deserved it to happen to them. I never wished to steal money or acquire money to make up for the losses. I actually thought that the fact that I am gambling and trying to win more money that someone else lost was toxic and wrong within itself. I remembered god and the power he had to make or break me. He alone could bring success and happiness into my life and in contrast he could also take it away. Why me? Well because I am human and am open to wrong thoughts and actions.
It hurt so much to lose so much money. To date, I think I’ve lost within the region of ￡35k- ￡45k (stopped counting) to gambling but I feel it is a wake up call that I am fallible. I am flawed as a human being. I can make bad choices and things in my life can go wrong. It made my faith in God stronger and my need to ask him for help when I cannot find answers vital.
My gambling stemmed from so many issues both childhood related and post pregnancy/ motherhood.
I forgive myself and stop asking myself how or why it happened. I know why it happened and it stemmed from arrogance and greed. I would never ever wish it on anyone. I try to be more generous with money now and give to the poor. I like to splash out on bday presents for friends and family and do not dwell on financial costs or losses (car fines or insurance) as I used to.
Reading Kin’s posts gives me so much faith in humankind and human nature. I wish to correct my ways and thoughts and be fair, generous and forgiving. Since having my first child and now expecting my second, I realise how precious life is and how it can end suddenly. Money is not everything. Life, peace and love is.
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Hi Meghan I totally agree. We don’t need to be bashed when we are down. I used to receive many posts which I found upsetting after a relapse – I guess people got frustrated with me throwing my life away. The ones which really annoyed me were the unhelpful GA cliches and misquoted and misinterpreted bible “quotes”. Now that I’m in recovery I know the advice that really helped was the advice telling me what actions to take. I have to say since Steev came on here I have turned my life around- he advised actions without the annoying cliches like “ god helps those who help themselves” or “the things we don’t want to hear are the things we need to hear”. ,” we are only as sick as our secrets”. There are many similar quotes and I honestly think they made it more difficult to reach recovery. I agree some of us need to hear the message very directly but please advise actions we can take – we can go to church if we want a sermon!
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Meghna,
Sorry about the autocorrect with your name.
I was not referring to you at all in my post .
I was referring to years ago when I was having relapse after relapse – and what I found helpful and unhelpful.
I was also agreeing that no one deserves to bashed after a relapse – we all want to stop -it just not easy.
I am a Christian and have no problem with anything anyone posts.
Not sure what has triggered your post on my thread – but best leave it there. -
Maybe a misunderstanding and I apologise if i got the wrong end of the stick.
a relapse is devastating in itself and I remember getting so much positive feedback from everyone here to help me deal with it. I feel for anyone who has relapsed and always want to be optimistic that they can get back to being GF
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Maybe a misunderstanding and I apologise if i got the wrong end of the stick.
a relapse is devastating in itself and I remember getting so much positive feedback from everyone here to help me deal with it. I feel for anyone who has relapsed and always want to be optimistic that they can get back to being GF
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Yes Meghna ,
I can appreciate that – I am going back a decade – we didn’t have the same understanding of addiction we do now. I used to feel bashed a lot back then and that’s why your post resonated with me.
It’s not that people meant to upset me – it was somehow instead of telling me what I needed to do (I probably wasn’t ready to hear anyway ), I found some posts made me feel worse and hopeless.
Gambling is a most horrible addiction – it has taken me over a decade to come out from under it. In the end I needed very intensive treatment – I still have on-going therapy.I am in no position to judge or criticise anyone who has had a relapse – I am just grateful it’s not me this time.
We are all only one bad decision away from a relapse- a devastating, crushing relapse . -
I appreciate that IDI and sorry I think I misread what you wrote. I’m not actually religious myself but believe in a creator/maker.
Me neither, i am not in a position to judge anyone, ever. I can understand why someone may wish to quote god or the bible , because it comforts them I guess . I never quote from the Quran (book I’m familiar with) It never brings me comfort ??
anyway wishing you a lovely day IDI
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When someone is blatantly rude to another person, after they’ve relapsed, the former is commended. Yet the person who recognised this actioned of ’kicking someone when down’ as wrong, and reflects on it on their thread, is seen as the wrongdoer. Ok then
I am not part of any camp and will speak my mind (on my own thread)
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Wonderful news on the birth of your precious baby girl, Megna.
nI have been praying for your safe delivery . Thank God it was “Easy” (if that description can ever be applied to labour)
nLovely to have two babies to grow up together.
nI have been blessed with two grandchildren in the last 3 months. A boy and a girl. They are all here for the weekend.
nBoth very different in looks and character, but equally beautiful and treasured by parents and grand parents.
nThe cycle of life never ceases to amaze me. Awesome to see your children’s children.
nEnjoy every moment and get as much rest as possible.
nCertainly, you will have no time for gambling now.
nLife is sweet! -
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From my experience, I found that as soon as I placed the first bet that was an entry card back into the madness that is online gambling. I often found myself walking away after some minutes gambling but would surely go back to deposit again to wager very large amounts of money on the slots, be it a day later, two days later or at times a week or so later. I would surely go back to try my luck at winning money and it always ended the same way. I would lose a lot of money but most importantly my peace of mind (which is of more value to me ) It always started the same for me and ended the same also. Down a few thousand within half an hour and then me beating myself about what I had done. Asking myself why I had not learned my lesson and feel all the guilt and shame which were amplified by the gambling. The pain and confusion is still fresh in my mind.
I joined the zoom meetings in mid July this year and on the very first day I found myself going from one meeting to another. I stayed in even upto 3am the next day. I only received love and understanding. I will always remember that. I just couldn?t believe that I had found a place (thanks to my HP) where I could let everything that was in me out. A place where I did not have to feel guilt or shame, a place where I could speak my truth and be honest about my addiction.
I attend at least 3 meetings a day (that?s for me as I need it) because I have gotten to know some of the people in the meetings who are giving me a lot of strength and hope. I am on Maternity leave and have the time fortunately. It was on my last maternity leave that my addiction to gambling took off and thrived. What is important for me in relation to the zooms is that I am giving my recovery time, time I previously dedicated to gambling. I am ready and willing to work on myself now and show myself love and care (through recovery)?
I just got a sponsor and I am so happy as I followed and listened to them for some months. I the approached and asked them. I identified with their experiences, childhood experiences also and was attracted to their inner serenity and general love and care towards others. My sponsor has been off a bet for 23 years on December 15th 2020.
I call my sponsor when I?m in the wrong headspace, feeling resentments or just have dis- ease within. My sponsor asks me questions and gets me to explore where it is all coming from. I managed to stop controlling what is not controllable at those moments with their help. It?s when I do not surrender to life on life?s terms and my HP that I place ?the bet? and that is destructive to me and my loved ones.
With regards to the steps, I am ready as I?ve accepted to be willing and open minded about my recovery. So long as no one asks me to gamble then I am willing to do anything required to help me stay away from addictive behaviours. Fear will hold me back and I have nothing to fear as long as it doesn?t involve destructive behaviours like gambling. I said to myself I have nothing to lose other than the dis-ease within me which leads me to gambling.?
To conclude, I?ve come to realise that gambling is a symptom of a much bigger problem.?
Just for today I will not gamble thanks to my god. I am a grateful compulsive gambler. I am powerless over gambling and I take my addiction very seriously now.
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Ty kin for your strength and wisdom. Your entries have guided me at bad times.
?when the Gods wanted to destroy man they allowed his ego to grow and watched him destroy himself?
My inflated ego allowed me to believe that I was in the drivers seat. How wrong I was. Thank god i have woken up
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At the end of my meetings they say ?think about the compulsive gambler who is still sick and suffering in and out of these rooms…? Today the host included ?…and the children that get caught in the cross fire?
Yes indeed. It is the children I cry for and it is my children that give me the strength to abstain from placing ‘the bet?
Ameen
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Recognize the thoughts and being aware of it is very important to you. Thank you for these signs and indications of what had happen in the past. Our main and central focus is our now moment our present the awareness of embracing and living in the now. Its all there is. The now moment to let life live through you. You are going to start living each moment as it was like a new awakening. Being positive and giving thanks.
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As soon as I allow anyone to disturb my peace I am in trouble. I will guard my serenity thanks to the will of God
Just for today I will not react to the ignorance and cowardice of the division of people. I am grateful for each and every person?s experience and strength.
Had I not found GT online I would not have found GA and I would not have found my home group and sponsor.
If I think the world runs on my will, I am wrong. My best thinking led me to gambling. Let go and let God.
Today I am grateful
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Gambling is an emotional problem not a financial one.
Therefore I am here because I am not ‘all there’. I proved that by gambling for a year, inviting chaos and inner unrest in my home and pressing the self destruct button.
My recovery depends on my truthfulness. Just for today I will not gamble
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There is no win always a lose because gambling is a business, a past time and preoccupation of the sick, like me. I am a compulsive gambler and I have been clean and in recovery for some time.
There is no fight, only surrender. There is no justifying or explaining to anyone but God who by his will keeps me off a bet each day
Just for today I will not gamble. I will keep working on myself a day at a time as more will be revealed
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I thought about this journal a couple of days ago.
I have been clean since 01/07/2020. I attend zoom recovery meetings and share my experiences.
This was my first point of call when I was lost and in need of help and hope.
Life has thrown many curveballs my way and blessings too. I am expecting right now and and due early next year. My husband and I bought a new house and have renovated it. All our money we have has been put to good use. My family and I are in good health and provided for.
I am still working and taking responsibility for the things in my life.
Life can be difficult however I am grateful
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Hi Kin,
I read all your past messages and today’s message also. Thank you for all your positive messages in my journal.
I am so pleased you are on the zoom meetings. Gamblersinrecovery.com lists all the meetings worldwide. My name is Sofie on the zooms so if you’re on a meeting I’m on please do reach out.
I am always appreciative of your messages and wish you well my friend.
God is great and has kept me clean today.
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