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Guest
You have always posted thought provoking tales and poems.
If you have it could you post the one about the Indian with a beast inside, I’ve tried to remember it to tell someone but can’t. It ends with “which one will you feed?” Or something similar.
Pleased you’re ok and still trying.
Take care
Geordie.
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Guest
Yes my friend that was it, there was another one you sent me at the same time that was brilliant too.
I cant remember it at all though, if I managed to remember anything about it I’ll let you know
Take care Kin.
Geordie.
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Guest
It might be Vera, if you can post it that would be smashing. There’s also quite a wel known one about filling a jar or bucket with big stones little stones and sand, do either of you have that.
Be grateful for either or both or indeed a othervthought provoking words like that.
501 days now Vera, that’s lying the flag. I’m over the moon for you.
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I must not allow what I cannot do to affect what I can do
I cannot change the days I gamble in the past but I can do something about staying gamble free in the days ahead.
Doing it right now does not erase away all the wrongs that I have committed in my life … but I can put in my best effort and made a big difference in not making the same mistake in the next 24 hours.
I need to repent and stop making the same mistake that I am capable of stopping.
I need to ask for mercy from God daily.
I need to ask for forgiveness from God, everyone and myself.
I have to start to made amend.Best regards
Sinner -
Guest
Hi Kin you always seem to come across as being too harsh with yourself.
For posting all you did to me yesterday, in my eyes you are closer to a saint than a sinner.
Thank you once again.
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Dear Geordie
Thank you for the nice words but I need to do this for myself, doing something right going ahead is not going to erase and clear me of all my crimes and wrongdoing in this life.
I need to get my footing right, I need to be honest and very focus, getting down to earth, and humble to lead a fruitful future one little baby step at a time.
I had to start somewhere.
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Guest
Kin you are not evil. Neither have you done things that are not forgivable.
You have had good things, you have had bad. I too have done many many crimes, I have been wicked, corrupt and evil in the past.
It is not being true to yourself to live with the burden of guilt.
The temptation of alcohol and gambling are sometimes too much for you, at least they were in the past.I have not forgiven myself for the things I have done, but I had an accomplice, my gambling addiction, the addiction is the evil and wicked one I was too easily tempted.
It’s hard Kin, but you can separate yourself from the evil accomplice despite what you think it is not part of you. You can stand tall and fight it Kin.
You are a kind person with a lot of respect from lots of gt members, and always have been.
Baby steps Kin one at a time. You will beat this if you really want to.
In time I hope I can forgive myself, and o hope you can learn to forgive yourself too.
I’m off for a small break now but will be back on two days, I will be printing out your posts they are very helpful. I hope you are now walking down a different street.
Goodbye for now. Geordie.
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I did what I know this week. One step, one thing, one day at a time, focus on the present and do the next right thing, do my honest best with no expectation on the outcome. The result will come.
But when the result was not coming in, I continue to stay focus and persevere in doing the next right thing until the results start coming in.
Sure enough, I was soon doing very well but everything changes quickly. I don’t understand why I become complacent and start to struggle on the last 2 days of the week. I started to put in effort with expectation on the outcome. When the result is not coming in, I became impatient and compulsive. I want to quit and stop doing the right thing. I start to lose focus and concentration on the present task.
My anxious obsessive thoughts and feelings took over me, and squeeze out the calm and focus mind I had and need.
It was a good week, but I ended up becoming anxious and fearful that I cannot repeat the same result next week.
The solution was a simple one. I need to repeat doing what I did this week in the following week.
Just do my best, let go and let God … take care of the rest, instead of me trying to fight and control everything. I should have faith and trust God is doing the battle for me.
Time to thank God for everything and ask God for mercy and forgiveness. I need to repent. -
15th – 19th May 2017
This was a productive week at work, I felt grateful and contented.
When I begin the new job at the beginning of the week, I had nothing to show, I was very afraid, I had to pray and depend on God for strength and hope. I could only work hard, do my best and leave the rest to God. I was a fisherman at work. I depended on God completely for the final outcome, I don’t control the result, sometime there are no fish in the water.
I knew I can only control my effort, and cannot control the results, so I was not stress and anxious at all because I did not have any unrealistic expectations. I just do my best and cast my lines and net.
But when I was doing all the things right and producing result, I started to think that I can control the result, I start to become self righteous and justify my good performance, I felt that I was deserving and worthy of all the good result because of my hard work.
In the last 2 days, I still continue to work hard but I was doing it differently, I started to have high expectation from hard work and think I can control the final result which prove me wrong, I relied on my power for the result. I even predicted the result. When it didn’t come, it was hard for me to accept the truth that I was powerless, the truth was in a greater power than me! My power is predictable, I can work hard but the result was uncertain and unpredictable, I was powerless over the final outcome. I started to fear, become anxious and worry. It affected me greatly, I was afraid that I cannot produce the good performance I had this week in the next week.When I was blinded by the good deed I do, I forget all the wrongdoing I did in this life. It was easy for me to forget where I came from and who I really was and become ungrateful and complacent, and fall back into old ways. I did not ask my love one to forgive me and cannot see the need to ask God for mercy and forgiveness. I depended on me more and less on God.
I don’t understand what happen to me ? Is this how I sabotage my life when things is going well. The moment I thought I am powerful in something, I become powerless.
I realized I was powerless over my life. I need to work hard at letting go and let God take control, not work hard and try to control everything.
I have no control over other people, places and things. Trying to do that bring back fear, anxieties, helplessness, worry, misery, suffering and pain into my life.
I am living the same life, doing the same old familiar sales job but trying to do it differently, giving up my old ways and trying new ways.
Thank you God! -
I am grateful for everything last week.
Everyone have different hobbies, mine happen to be what I am doing at work now. The working hours is helping me to have a more structure lifestyle. The work help me to concentrate and focus on something else beside picking up my first one in alcohol or gambling. It was a wonderful distraction.
My weakness was exposed in good times, I need to practice depending on God more and less on me.
I forgotten that I am powerless over some things, I must handover complete control to a higher power, God in order to have peace, calm and joy.
There is a power greater than me!
Back to one day at a time, doing the next right thing, one baby step at a time.
Do not pick up the first one. -
Guest
Great attitude Kin, great message, great week for you, nice to read.
Keep it up, keep on trucking!
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When I was unsafe
I work hard, I do my best working the land if I was a farmer or casting the lines and net if I was a fisherman.
I did not allow what I cannot do to affect what I can do. I could control my effort, I can work hard.
I worked hard and tried my best with no expectation on the result.
I can work hard on the land but I cannot control the weather. I can work hard casting the lines and net but I cannot control the harvest if there is no fish in the water.
Hard work was no guarantee for good harvest, it only increases my chance.
I become patient, and calm. I was not anxious and worry . I realized that there was a power greater than me and that power was not from me. I leave the final outcome to God.
When I was safe.
Yes.. my attitude changed, I was human, and not perfect, I become weaker and not stronger in the process, I started to become self-righteous, I started to justify my good harvest. I feel that I deserve and was worthy of the good harvest because I work hard and was honest, the good harvest was all due to my power, and effort.
I first notice something was wrong when I start feeling anxious and worried on Thursday and Friday, I was afraid that I cannot keep up and deliver the same good performance next week.
Immediately I knew I need help, what I experience was an old familiar feeling, I need to seek the truth and a new way of life.
I used to but no longer need to hit the bottle or slot machine to self-medicate and comfort myself anymore. I need to seek the truth and a new way of life.
There is a power greater than me, and that power is not me.
I need to seek this power greater than me, it was this power that gave me patient, and calm in uncertain and unpredictable days, it was this power that make me feel secure and safe and free me from all worries and fear. It encourages me to be honest and work hard. I could enjoy the peace of mind, regardless whether the harvest was good or not.
The good harvest are testimony that God provides! -
We cannot do it alone , Kin
When I first started school at age 5 I was taught by a very old nun who had also taught my mother.
Every day before class we had a prayer (these were the good old days when people acknowledged their Creator!!!)
After the prayer, she would cast her eyes to heaven and join her hands in her private prayer which she spoke out loud;
“I can do nothing, You can do all”!
She knew she needed help to deal with a class of 5 year olds. (Those nuns never retired. They were ageless)
The funny side of the story, Kin was when my mother asked what the nun said , I told her “She said she can do nothing and I can do everything”
Even at 5 years old I thought I could manage the Human Race!
How wrong I was.
Today we surrender ourselves to the HP, Kin.
He is the Creator
We are mere creatures.
How right that old nun was!! -
Dear Vera,
I discovered that I was blinded by my own hard work, skill, knowledge, ability and power. I didn’t know that I was actually fighting my own battle. It never lasts, it will come to point when it become so heavy and I crumble.This time I am learning to let go of the steering wheel, surrendering to a Higher Power and let God fight the battle for me.
I am learning not to fear, not to be anxious and worry, sister.
I was really nothing and God is everything!
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Sometimes when the management keep repeating the same lies, and after some time, almost everyone in the company start believing in it.
I knew they were lying but I am powerless and was nothing alone, no one believe me, I resign from the company.
I turn to the government agency to seek help, it was such a straight forward case, there was no dispute, the court still gave my ex-boss the chance to prove otherwise but he was powerless in front of the judge, there was nothing he could do except to accept the court order to pay me my one month annual wage supplement.
That is the power of seeking the truth! In the past, I would have accepted the lies or wrongs because everyone is doing the same thing and drop the matter. Today I learn that wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right, even if no one is doing it.
I was working hard in this new company. There are people in this company that I knew in the past who didn’t say a word to me. I notice what is happening but I didn’t feel hurt and was not affected, these are people who think I couldn’t make it because they are confident and doing well in the company.
I only did my part, I was responsible for working hard; ploughing the land or casting the lines and dropping the net into the water, that is all I can do, I don’t determine the harvest.
I am nothing, God is everything!
I tried to focus and concentrate harder on surrendering to my Higher Power, I tried harder to let go of myself and stop fighting the battle myself. Let Him fight the battle for me.
Slowly my number grow and was doing well on my first month. When my number was bigger than these people who didn’t want to speak to me, they start becoming friendly and talk to me.
The glory and victory belong to God! -
Doing the same old job but not using the same old familiar way.
It was about seeking the truth and change.
I am preparing for week 29th May to 4 June 2017
I must not forget who I am and where I come from. I may do the right thing but nothing I do can erase all the wrong doings I have done in this life time.
I need God to help me, I need mercy , grace and forgiveness from God.
There is a power greater than me and that power is not me!
In the last 8 weeks on this new job, I have already face rejection by others. I cannot control what others think about me and I did not plan to allow the things I cannot do to affect the things I can. I work hard.
It was only 10 days ago when I caught myself drifting into my old ways when I credit all the good work to ME (I was good), ME (hard working) and ME (skillful). The dark force knows how to attack me, just feed my pride and ego until I become complacent. This good feeling was very short, and soon it turn into fear, anxiety and worries and robbed me of any peace, patient and calm I had . I am very relieved now, somehow I realized that I was doing it wrong, I was depending on myself to fight the battle alone and I was falling back to old ways. I immediately work harder on letting go of myself and let God, depended fully on God to fight the battle in the following week.
I tried harder to focus and concentrate on my Higher Power. I tried harder to let go of myself and surrender completely to God. Any good work now is not from me.
I have seen the power and victory.
The good work is catching the attention of many. People who did not talk to me are coming to chat with me, I am getting lot of praise and flattery words at work now.
Thanks to God and brother Jordan, sister Vera, I was advised to learn how to live in humility.
I am nothing and God is everything!
God bless the humble and resist the proud!
I cannot afford to be complacent.
There are already people I highly respect at work who encourage and tell me it is ok to gamble on sport and take alcohol with him. Satan do disguise themselves as angel -
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Its 6 am now, I just woke up from a dream. I was able to see and talk to someone I miss in the dream.
Thank God its Friday. I am glad today was the last working day for the week. I needed the break over the weekend to really take a good rest.
I am learning to focus and concentrate on this new job. I am returning to doing the same old familiar job but not in the same old familiar way.
Ever since I started this job, I have been praying to God daily, it has help me to refocus and remind myself to surrender my will and live to the care of God.
When I focus on Christ more, I focus on myself less.
To not depend on my power at work but to relied and depend completely on a power greater than myself, God.
All glory and victory belong to God.
I am nothing and God is everything! -
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Almost everything about work was perfect for the week until…..
As usual on Thursday and Friday, I was feeling very tired at work but I was still very mindful and was taking baby steps, doing the next right thing, one thing at a time.
As hard as I try, I was still powerless and unmanageable over some things, recovery has never been perfect for me.
Fatigue and tiredness lower my patient and tolerant to people, place and thing.
I was well behaved and never left my seat at work.
Unfortunately, a strange colleague was sneaking around me, he was causing a great distraction, disturbance and inconvenient to me for a few days until I lost my patient and tolerant with him on Friday.
I was serving a difficult customer, this person sneak behind and was breathing down my neck watching me work without my consent. I reacted and exploded with anger for his inconsideration. I told him not to do it again, his behavior was affecting me very badly.
When I was abusing substance and gambling, over reacting and exploding in anger was common, now I was not using but I am still impulsive although I was grateful it is not so serious anymore, but it can still get me into trouble.
When I was tired, my patient and my tolerant level can be low, I can be careless and make mistakes I regret. -
When I was an active gambler, I always hope very strongly that some things will happen although you know it is not likely.
I hope that I can win enough money to settle the bills, and I will stop gambling. Many times I won, the bills were paid for the month but I never stop gambling, because there is always new bill to pay in the new month and there is always new opportunistic gamble in the not so long future.
Gambling winnings was real quick money and little hard work is required. It is a very attractive form of finding money. The temptation, the lure, the false hope is all very strong.
I hope that I can gamble one more time and stop. When I win, I did not stop because I want to win some more. When I lost, I did not stop because I hate the feeling of losing my money, I want to win it back and continue gambling.
When I do not have enough money, I hope that by gambling, I can grow the money but most of the time, I lost everything ending with no money and even more problems than before.
Every disaster starts with the harmless and deceptive first bet, regardless of how much surplus fund I had, the size of the bet, the frequency of the bet and the type of gamble. The ending for me was all the same. -
I have to unlearned and learn new ways of doing thing.
Unlearned depending on myself and my own power to get things done and learn to let go completely of myself and depend on a Higher Power to do things for me.
I have started to depend on the Government agency to do the talk for me at work place where I was bullied and force into accepting lies that I do not agree upon when I was not wrong.
There will be times when I will have to let go and trust God, let go and let God handle it when no higher authority in the form of people and agency can help me.
I am nothing and God is everything!
The glory and victory belong to God!
I was not a trouble maker, I only learn to seek the truth in things and it changes my decision in doing things, when all the people in my last company feel that the management was right in not giving out my annual wage supplement of one month salary. I feel that they are lying and seek help. Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right even if no one is doing it.
I found God and a new courage in doing things that I have run away from for many decades. I didn’t accepted the lies that everyone was telling me and did something about it. I approach the Labor Court, my ex employer can lie no more in court and was order to pay me my money within 14 days.
They always say that a sponsor is God’s gift to me. Again my sponsor was right about asking me to go back to the type of work that I was running away from.
In the past, I was fighting alone and depended on myself in the battle. It was tough, I didn’t last, and I lost the war in the end.
I was advised by my sponsor to face Goliath like David, like David, to surrender to God completely and depend on God totally during the fight.
Thank God for this messenger, I was now able to see a new light -
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Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
I had a long day on Monday and Tuesday, I was working hard and feeling tired yet my sales results was not looking good for most part of the day. I was not getting the opportunities I need as I was fishing in a different pond from the rest.
I have a habit of worrying and fearing during this time that I could not reproduce and repeat the same good results.
I was advised to focus on Jesus by my sponsor.
I like to worry and fear but I realized that I have already let go of my will and life to the care of my God and no longer fighting the battle alone.
I trust my God, everything is in God’s hands. I would like to worry and fear but did not sink into the habit instead I was showing patient, calmness and peace that I can only dream of……and just waited for the miracle to happen.
I continue to do the next right thing, one thing at a time, one step at a time and by the time work ended, I have fulfilled the desired result.
I will worry and fear if I was the one fighting the battle. I don’t trust myself and don’t have the confident that I can finish the job.
I have let go and let God fight the war for me.
Glory and victory belong to God! It doesn’t belong to me. -
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My sponsor was right again when he asked me to do the kind of work that I was avoiding, his reason was simple, if I keep running away from it, I will not grow spiritually.
The nature of people and work on this new job was the same but I was ready to change when I return. I am returning to do the same old familiar work but not in a same old familiar way.
I didn’t realized I was practicing step three when my sponsor told me to learn from the lesson of David vs Goliath
Step Three
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.For many years, I thought I understand step 3 until now.
If I had surrender my will and life over to the care of God, I would have handed over the steering wheel to God. I do not try to manipulate and force or control the final outcome anymore.
Since God is fighting the battle for me now, not me. I have nothing to fear. I shall accept anything that God give me. The usual anxiety, fear and worry on the job will slip away.
It is sounded like the Promises in AA, self-pity and self-seeking will slip away.It has help me to become the person I can only wish but fail all the times.
I realized all the good work was not all due to me and my intelligent , hard work, skill set, and experience, because I am powerless and do not control the final outcome. Any unpredictable change and uncertainty can changes everything and affect the harvest but one thing is certain, and that is a power greater than me who determine the harvest in the end.
I start to recognize the Higher Power at work and offer all the glory and victory to God from the bottom of my heart.It was no more about “I planned everything”” I make it happen””I was hard working” ” I was good” ” I was better than the rest” It was no more about Me, I, Myself.
The dark force knew my weakness of self-centeredness, pride and ego. It knew how to attack and destroy me.
I believe in God now, the Light has protected and shown me how to become humble and hard working on the new job to counter the attack.When I was emotionally stable, at peace with myself at work, have joy and freedom in my life, I no longer need to self medicate or seek relief from alcohol and gambling.
I learn about the important of focusing on God from
Mathew 14: 28 – 31
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” 31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”My sponsor show me more and share with me about David vs Goliath in the bible that I should focus on God and let God fight the battle for me.
All along, I was doing it wrong; I depended on myself, I was fighting the battle alone all these times, I can win the first one or two battles but the ending was miserable, I always lose the war!
My sponsor have shown me the way to the truth again; to seek God, to develop a closer relationship with God.
God has help me to understand Step Three better.
It has been 5 weeks now since I started practicing letting go of myself and let God do the battle for me. The result was fantastic!
In the past , I would become self-righteous and arrogant during good times, my pride and ego made me complacent, my good times never last.
God has given me a new lifeline and survival skill, I feel that God has make me humble when I could not be humble on my own, I need this to survive in the society.
I am a grateful recovering person. Thank you God, my sponsor, my family and all the people who have help me.
God blesses the humble and resist the proud. (James~4:6)
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I found out recently that the chances I will self-destruct again is still very high. It has been like these all the times unless I learn to do it differently one day.
I KNOW I WILL HAVE TO BE CAREFUL BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING SELF DESTRUCTIVE INSIDE ME.
It is always when I was sick from an ailment, that I would suffer a relapse from gambling or alcohol. I become impatient, restless and anxious to do something, or anything. This is an internal trigger! Gambling is the most damaging financially and alcohol is the most damaging physically.
THE WORST PART ABOUT SELF DESTRUCTION IS THAT YOU ARE FULLY AWARE OF IT BUT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT.
WHAT ‘S WRONG WITH ME?
I HURT MYSELF ON THE OUTSIDE TO TRY TO KILL THE THING ON THE INSIDE.
I allow myself to fail with out considering the seriousness of the consequences. I cannot imagine how far and how much is the damage. I never think I cannot afford the mistake when I do it. I only need a reason or excuse and I gave myself the permission to go ahead to do it.
Only a recovering addict will understand another suffering addict. -
I depended on God for my harvest everyday and was doing the same old familiar job differently now, the result was fantastic!
After more than 6 weeks, I have learnt new ways how to deal with the demand, stress and pressure from my job in a more positive and healthy way. I depended more on God and less on myself. I change.
The usual triggers that I get from the same work I do for many years are disappearing but now another old enemy has come.
When I fall sick, I become impatient, restless and anxious to do something, I could not be still and do nothing.
Did I panic? or was it more impatient?
Either way, the result was the same, I become less mindful of my situation as a result.
It was all about staying calm and doing nothing until the storm has passed. It was about being mindful and at peace with self and doing nothing in the middle of the storm. It become harder when I was suffering from sickness, I could not do it and self destructed; I pressed the self destructive button, and quit total abstinent.
I understand why I do it but I don’t understand why I did not look at the heavy consequences before doing it.
It does not made any sense, I can only use stupidity and insanity to describe my actions. The price is very heavy!
This problem is not going to go away.
As I grow older, I will experience more ailments associated with old age, this problem can only get more and more serious. I am sure it will affect how I think and feel.
I need to learn how and prepare for the days when I was sick and not seek self medication or relief from alcohol and gambling.
I had a strange feeling suddenly, that this is going to be a year where I am going to dedicate a year to seriously work myself in recovery. I need help and feel that I am not ready to help anyone now. -
When I was sick, my discomfort was shouting so loud that I can only hear my feeling and thoughts. It was so uneasy that I didn’t want to obey the teaching of God anymore. I wanted to drop the cross and run.
I totally forgotten why I go into recovery and carry my cross. I forget about all the pain and consequences of a big gambling loss or a heavy binge drinking.
When I was sick, I can become a very irresponsible and selfish person, my feeling become top priority!!! The interest of my family and love one loses their priority and importance in my life. I cannot sacrifice my own desires to love them, instead I sacrifice them to love me more.
This make me a sicker person than my illness. This is terrible. It make me a very unworthy and undeserving person. Please God have mercy on me. -
I was thinking…
It has happen so many uncountable times. After each painful relapse now, I have already developed a defense and survival mechanism where:
I can block out the thought or numb my pain,
I can pretend nothing had ever happen, or
I can act like anything has ever happen,
I would focus on something so hard that I could forget about what had just happen.Why didn’t I apply the same thing when I was sick and suffering before I relapse.
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I happen to be behind 2 person who wanted to start a fight today. An elderly man provoked the younger one with words. The younger one was the more physical and hot blooded one.
In the old days, I would have taken a step back and watch the fight but things are the same and different in many ways now. I didn’t even notice it until it happen.
My weakness to addiction remain the same and little has change, I didn’t notice the strength that is growing in other areas in recovery.
When the younger one started to reach for the older man and the older one started to push him away, I step in between both person and push them away on the chest. I quickly tell the younger man that it is not worth it to be put behind bar because of this, I warn him the serious consequences of this behavior, I even told him the whole incident was captured by the camera. I witness the older man starting this fight and told him to mind his own business and leave the other man alone.
The younger one realize his rash and impulsiveness behavior, he calm down and thank me before walking away.
I have time to reflect this incident over a cup of hot coffee later, I can intervene and stop others but when I was triggered and behaving like a runaway truck, I cannot see my serious consequences and could not stop myself.
I really really wish there is someone there to intervene and stop me. I know this was not possible, my only hope is God. I need help! I need to turn to God. -
One baby step at a time
Do the next right thing
One thing at a time
One day at a time…as the recovery slogan saying goes“Do too many things in too little time.”
This is the reality in my everyday life now, I need to:
Focus on God
Focus on my recovery
Focus on loving my family
Focus on my work
Focus on my finance
Focus on my health
I am afraid that I failed miserably at doing all the above at the same time.
I find stability and good progress when I was focusing on one thing only.
I am doing well at work currently but my recovery and love for family have suffered.
I am learning how to depend on God to fight the battle for me but I still do not know how to allow God to fight all the battles for me at the same time.
When I was stress, worried and fearful at work, I surrender my will and live over to the care of God
But when I was sick and suffering, I turn to self medication in alcohol and gambling.
When I focus on myself more, I focus on God and my family less.
I did not trust and obey God in all areas of my life especially in finance.
I slip into an old habit of listening to myself, it will destroy me, I must let go of self completely…
Every crisis, I have turn to God but it was the little things in life that expose me!
I have not yet learn how to trust and accept anything God give me in all areas of my life especially family, work, finance, sickness, suffering and pain.
I was able to focus on God, family and recovery only.
When I start to focus more on work, finance, my sickness…sadly I focus less on God, my family and recovery.
I did not honor my family, I compromise on my recovery, I did not obey and follow God teaching and didn’t accept what God give me. I tried to change things and I failed.
I need to make a turn to the right direction….(Turning Point)
I must learn from all these experiences….(Breakthrough)
I cannot do this alone, I need help….(Helping Hand)
I need to be grateful for what I have….(Gratitude)
I do not have many good years left…(God ‘s grace and mercy)
I need God.An acquaintance in my age group was feeling very tired easily and see a doctor in May 2017. He was diagnose with liver cancer stage 4. He died in June 2017. He left behind a wife and 2 very young children. Life can change suddenly overnight. It could happen to anyone.
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For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if you live by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.
Just like the AA Recovery Paradoxes
We DIE TO LIVE.
When we work at our Twelve Steps, the old life gradually dies, and we acquire a different and a better way of life. We in AA die to live.We SUFFER TO GET WELL.
There is no way to escape the terrible suffering of remorse and regret , shame and embarrassment which starts us on the road to getting well from our affliction. It is painful but necessarily. . . We suffer to get well. -
I was just following direction. My mentor has encourages me to seek the truth and show me the way.
I was advise to return to work in an industry that I was avoiding. I avoided this job because I was worried and concern that the work and the people on this job will trigger me back to gambling and alcohol use.
3 months has passed since I actually started work on this new job. My mentor was right again. When I let go of self completely and let God fight the battle for me. I experiences a power greater than my myself at work. It was beyond my expectation to become one of the top salesperson almost immediately. All the victory and glory goes to God.
When I return to a familiar old job, my old habit returns, the craving for alcohol on a Friday and gambling over the weekend was there in the first 2 week and in the first month of selling but when I continue to do the same old familiar job in a different ways, slowly a new lifestyle and habit is forming, one without a need for relief from alcohol and gambling.
There was a turning point and breakthrough, I was doing well at work in the first two week of selling, but I was shocked as my satisfaction and happiness was short lived, and turn into fear, anxiety and worry, I was so worried and anxious that I could not repeat the same good results in the following weeks. It was at this point that I notice I was on the driver seat. I had taken over the steering wheel and controlling everything.
I remember and decided to handover my will and life over to the care of God again and life at work begin to change.
My attitude change, I was willing to accept any result good or bad that God give me, I do not try to change things. When the harvest was bad, I do not press the panic button, I remain hopeful. I stayed calm, positive, focus and hardworking, I trust God. The familiar anxiety, fear and worry from the job disappear.
I have not seen my mentor to share and update him the victory that has taken place in the last 3 months.
My mentor has ask me to seek personal growth by returning to face the work I was avoiding. He wanted me to learn from David vs Goliath.
All praise to God. The management team like the worker they see in the “new” me. They say that they would like to hire more mature people like me but they didn’t know I was a recovering addict.
The reality was all the challenges that I still face in recovery now. I still have many problems; weakness, blind spots, slip and fall.
If I cannot accept any result that God give me in recovery and if I try to take control every time and change thing when the going was tough, difficult, stressful and painful, I will continue to relapse because there always be bad days in recovery.
Right now I just have to accept my struggles and imperfection in recovery.
I must pick myself up every time I fall and moves on with life and recovery. -
New found attitude at work
My attitude change, I was willing to accept any result good or bad that God give me, I do not try to change things. When the harvest was bad, I did not press the panic button, I remain hopeful. I stayed calm, positive, focus and hardworking… I trust God. The familiar anxiety, fear and worry from the job disappear. The ending was a fruitful and plentiful one.
It took this new experience at work to teach me a new lesson in recovery. I did not have the same and correct attitude towards life and nature. I realize that I have a poor attitude in recovery
When the condition in my recovery changes and when I started to feel stress, pain and suffering. I will become impatient, frustrated and prone to pressing the self-destructive button.
I become impulsive and cannot remember that I don’t need a drink or gamble to improve my life now and I totally forgotten all the heavy consequences from my past heavy gambling losses and binge drinkings.
This time it happens on the 16 June 2017. I was sick from a throat infection confirmed by the doctor. I was not feeling well and pressed the self-destructive button. I give up recovery. I pick up my first drink after more than a year free from alcohol, I didn’t binge, I only had 3 glasses and I stop. I have also lost money that I could use for better purpose over the same weekend on football punting.
I say that I would surrender my will and life over to the care of God in my recovery but when I was feeling unwell, everything changes.
I would try to change thing, I cannot accept feeling unwell. I took over the control of the steering wheel and change my mind about not drinking or gambling.
I did not have the acceptance of any result that God give me in recovery.
If I do not feel good, I will try to change what God give me. I will use alcohol to feel good and gamble for a quick fix.
My will-power and focus become weak and my recovery become vulnerable when I was sick.
I need to learn:
To have Acceptance of any result that God give me in recovery.
To be Tolerant and Patient of the painful and suffering bad days.
I do not need to drink or gamble. I should Trust God.
I must stop listening to myself immediately and start to listen to a Higher Power. -
There are things that I have totally no control at all in life. I still cannot recognize everyone of them, sometime I made the mistake of trying to change something that I cannot control.
I will gamble for a quick fix and I drink to feel good.
In life, bad things can happen to good people who did no wrong, yet these good people don’t gamble for a quick fix or drink to escape the stress, pain and frustration.
Obviously there was something wrong with me.
I was not prepared for the burden, suffering and pain in recovery. When the load get too heavy and hot, I will drop everything and run. I did not want to finish the job.
-
God Resist The Proud, But Gives Grace Unto The Humble.
James 4:6
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There is a power greater than me. I am nothing and God is everything.
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If you are humble, nothing will touch you, neither praise or disgrace, because you know what you are.
If you are blamed, you will not be discouraged.
If they call you a saint, you will not put yourself on a pedestal. ~ Mother Theresa~
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We learn humility through accepting humiliation cheerfully ~ Mother Theresa~
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It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angel.~ Saint Augustine~
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Pride is concerned with who is right.
Humility is concerned with what is right. ~Enzra Taft Benson -
I admitted and accepted that I have an addiction
I need to constantly practice:Acceptance and Faith in a Higher Power
Acceptance and tolerance
Acceptance and letting go
Acceptance and forgiveness
Acceptance and commitmentI need to apply them when facing life on life’s term especially when I am weak and sick or tired, discontented, frustrated, impatient and impulsive. I do not need to gamble or take alcohol to improve my life.
I only need to Trust a Higher Power more and myself less that everything will be fine in the end. -
Dated 3 July
Accept
(1) I am having a cold and sore throat today.
(2) My ex employer told me that my wages has been paid and I will receive them either on Friday last week or Monday today but it didn’t happen.Tolerant
(a)The Court has order my ex employer to pay me. I have waited for the money for more than a month now. I have experience emotions like disappointment, frustration, anxiety and powerlessness during these time.
I accept that it was ok to feel not ok. I am not perfect, I am only human. I need to learn to be patient and wait without doing anything stupid. They will pay me one day.
(b)Without this payment from my ex employer, my life is not going to turn for the worst. I do not need to panic and I can wait.Heavy Consequences
Pressing the self-destructive button in a panic will definitely makes things worst. Stupidity and anger has cause me to lose or spend huge sum of money, it is not worth it.Letting Go
(a) I am grateful to have a job and an income now. I don’t need to change thing.
(b) It was my expectation of things, when it is not met, I get frustrated and disappointed. I become impatient, I want to change things. I was unforgiving and want thing to be on time. I need to change my attitudes in life and learn to let go of unrealistic expectations.
(b)There is no need to gamble to fix thing or take alcohol to feel good.
(c) I needed the extra money very much to pay my outstanding bills quickly but I am glad and thankful that I have is enough to cover the bill every month slowly.
(d) first day of the month is so important for my sales. I have second thought and fear about resting when I am sick but if I do not rest and recover, I will be sick for more days and the damage will be bigger in the end.
Faith
Everything will be fine in the end.
Trust
There is a greater power than me!I am nothing and God is everything!
I accept that I have make many mistakes in the past. I cannot change my past.
My future start with taking one baby step at a time, one day at a time to do the next right thing.
Recovery is a spiritual program. -
“Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. ” ~ John Wooden
Why I relapse
I was intolerant over things that I cannot change.(Action Plan) – What I can do
I do not have the character strength and courage in recovery that can comes from practicing these spiritual principles:
Honesty, Acceptance, Hope, Commitment, Faith, Willingness, Humility, Unconditional love, Patience, Perseverance, Open-mindedness, Awareness, Vigilance, Self-discipline, God-Centeredness, Sharing and caring, Forgiveness, Optimism, Selflessness, Compassion, Consideration, Kindness, Positive thinking, Responsibility, Tolerance, Trust, Unity, Gratitude and Service.“We never have to use again, even if we want to”.
-
It just cross my mind, these are the reasons for my last 3 relapse.
1. Financial And Emotional stress due to delayed and unpaid salary (Dec 16-Feb17) plus heavy financial commitment and obligations.
2. Mental stress from unrealistic expectation of my ex employer to deliver his promise. (Between April 17 to June 17)
3. Physically stress from failing health – I fall sick (weekend of 16 June17)Bad Decision: I should listen to myself less.
Truth: My life would have been better without the gambling and alcohol.l Need To Be More Prepared On What To Do Next
I have shown low level of acceptance, tolerant, patient and commitment during these life trials.
Essential spiritual qualities in recovery. -
Daily practice:
Acceptance, tolerance, patience, love, commitment, letting go, trusting a Higher Power greater than me more, trusting myself less1. Make life easier for me when I was sick for most of this week, 2. looking after mum who was bedridden for 2 days, 3. dealing with an ex employer who lied about my wages again, 4. handling the high challenges at work.
Fear, anxiety, panic, worry was check daily to keep them manageable. Mindfulness and awareness is stronger now.
There is calmness, and feeling of gratitude and contentment in my life this week, it was an honest and good week. Thank God! -
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Dear Vera
When I have the awareness. I can remember. But that was not always the case and with that lion alway waiting to devote the stray one like me only make the matter worst.
However I was still grateful to be in recovery but I know that I will always remain a broken clay pot and an imperfect person in life, and in recovery.
Whenever I depend on myself, I always get into all kind of troubles.
I need to keep my eye always on God…
Anyone can focus on God any time but the tough part was staying focus on God all the time. -
Kin my friend I haven’t been around for a while and just been reading through all you posts, you are a good person and in truth to hard on yourself, I know this because I am also very hard on myself but my friend you are to hard on yourself, I see the good in your posts and remove the bad, you see the bad and no good (I know I am the same)…………………
you say you are an imperfect person………my friend you are one of the most genuine perfect person I have had the pleasure to come across……your honest posts tell me that and also……you show me a perfect person and I will show you a liar!!!
Like you Kin, God is a massive part of my life (just for today I don’t wish to share any more than that), I know he always looks after me even when I am being a absolute arse!!!!!
For at times I don’t know what I do…….I do it but I don’t understand why……it is me doing it and I cant stop it but I don’t know why I do it……….not the right words Kin I know my friend but they are my words…………sin living in me my friend!!!
You are a good person and I know that because God as told me…….he tells me many things and shares many things with me but I have to be honest most the time I don’t seem to listen……….am I a bad man……….maybe who knows but that’s not for me to say, you take care my friend and don’t stop doing what you are doing, God loves all of us and that’s the truth, you are a pleasure to know Kin and I always love reading your posts (although I haven’t been around or posting I still read), you know that because if I wasn’t around I wouldn’t have read Vera’s post on my thread and that’s why I am here sharing today!
Take care Kin and hope this finds you well, all the very best my friend and please never give in, God knows you try and he told me he loves a trier………….just as well with what I have done!!!!
Maverick
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Hi Maverick,
I am glad to see you posting again. It tells me you are trying and keep going, each step may get harder, but don’t stop.
Any addict can stop gambling, drinking or drugging any time but the toughest part was staying stop.
Anyone can focus on God any time but the toughest part was staying focus on God all the times.
I am a imperfect person with weakness, I tried and find it a challenge to stay focus on God all the times and staying abstinent forever.
However I can stay abstinent one day at a time, and it was not that perfect either, I will still fall on some days. When that happens, I cannot stay down. I need to get back up quickly, and start working my abstinent again, one day at a time.
We love our family. We do it for them.
-
I didn’t know I was doing too many thing in too little time until I become frustrated and angry today.
I realized that I was like a runaway truck waiting to hit the wall.
I was dealing with 4 different issues in one morning. Each subject was a distraction, four was simply too much for me.
1.Performance Management Program
2.New Product Training
3.Quality Assurance Report
4.Daily Sales Quota -
Its good that you can recognise why you are becoming frustrated.
Too many times my frustration spilt over to a gambling disaster!!!
Sometimes you just need to say “I need to step back and take a breath for a minute”
Perhaps you can tackle one thing at a time, I’m sure that is easier said than done.
No one on earth is perfect Kin, we make mistakes, we do foolish things, we forget whats important and we fall down.
The difference is, that we get back up.
The difference is, that we keep trying to better ourselves.
The difference is, that every day we try to be our best selves.
I’m not sure we can do more than that.
We never give up, and that is the beauty of being human.
Take care friend,
Love K xxx -
Hi Kathryn,
It did not felt the same on that morning. I lost my peace and tolerant, I was more affected than usual.
My awareness was not like this all the times, I can remember many periods in my life that I lost myself totally, I was blind to what is happening and get into all sort of troubles.
If I did not put in an effort and try to make adjustment to myself, if I continue to make the mistake of only focusing on the problem and losing my focus on recovery, these problem can grow serious and take control of me. My awareness and mindfulness would be heading down hill, I wouldn’t be able to see that I am getting into trouble.
It was all about changes, things around me change and it makes me very uncomfortable, many times I do not adapt to changes quick enough.
I can either allow the latest change to destroy me or walk away. I spoke to the management that there are too many things for me to do in too little time for a new staff. I explain to them what are the things and I needed more time to adapt. They told me not to rush and take my time.
Had I not stop myself, I would have likely given myself more unrealistic expectations;
rushing and stressing myself up…
I did not allow “change” to destroy me this time and I did not walk away. I made a decision. I stop and take a closer look at the many new changes taking place around me and slow down.
It was a tough week but a good week at work in the end.
I can feel that I am slowly progressing in recovery again after a period of backsliding. The calm, peace, joy and freedom is slowly returning. For this, I am grateful and contented but all is not perfect, I notice that I have been eating a lot lately for comfort due to the stress. -
When my mentor told me to learn from the lesson of David vs Goliath; I didn’t know what to expect.
For 3 months at work, I let God fight the battle for me. I stop depending on myself. I had to practice complete trust and surrender to God daily, and accepting any thing that God give me.
It was a blessing in disguise!
I had to practice complete trust and handing over my will and life over to the care of God all the way at work. I didn’t know I was practicing step 3 in recovery.
I have done it long enough to see the similarities in the feeling and emotion I had at work and in recovery.
I have learnt that trusting God and accepting anything that God gives me at work was the same as living life on life ‘s term in recovery.
I didn’t expect the lesson I learn in David vs Goliath help me strengthen my understanding of step 2 and 3 in 12 steps recovery.
Step 2; came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3; made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
I have struggle to live life on life ‘s term in recovery for 12 years.
I am very happy to learn what it mean for me to live life on life’s term now, it was about accepting any thing that God give me.
I can remain peaceful, calm, grateful and contented while practicing tolerant, patient, love and commitment all the way.
I do not need to panic and become impulsive, I do not need to change anything. I do not need to take over the control of the steering wheel, I only need to have strong faith that everything will be fine and learn to accept the things I cannot change.
I only need to trust God. Amen! -
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This Is the first time I am writing about the big “D”
Some call it addiction, some call it sin, some call it temptation, some call it the big “D”. Every second, it is trying to take over my life.
I experience the powerful big “D” tonight, it managed to change my mind and it brings back many old memories in the past when it come out to seek and destroy. I recognize the same power tonight.I didn’t know the dark side was so POWERFUL, I didn’t know it can intervene what I was doing right and change my mind to do wrong. On the surface, it looks like temptation but it was the big “D” behind everything. It stop me at the critical moment when I was going ahead to do the right thing.
On the surface
When I was over power and possessed by it, I cannot THINK clearly, I cannot SEE clearly. I couldn’t STOP when I want to go ahead to do the wrong thing but I STOP when I wish to do the right thing.Under the skin
When I want to go ahead to do the right thing, something intervene and stop me. I want to do the right thing but it was so POWERFUL , it can change my mind. I don’t want to do the wrong thing but it was so POWERFUL, it can change my mind.If there was light, there must be darkness but I was not mindful and aware of this dark force so I never give the dark side THE ATTENTION IT DESERVE. I have never put in any effort to FIGHT the dark side. I never thought I need to. I never thought that it was that POWERFUL. I never thought it can stop me or change my mind. I knew so little about the dark side.
I thought since I knew the light, I was safe from the dark sides and I do not need to FIGHT the dark force. I was so na?ve and so wrong.
The dark side is a very scary powerful force. It can suck and PULL ME OUT to try and destroy me.
There was two power that was greater than me. The dark force was a power much greater than me. I need protection from A GREATER POWER in GOD. -
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It has been a good week, but it was tiring
Especially on Thursday and Friday, I can feel that I do not
Stay focus and work hard.It was all about complete surrender of my will and life over to the care of God.
It was all about trusting God and accepting anything that God give me.have the stamina to carry on anymore until end of the day.
I was really taking one baby step at a time.It was all about acceptance and tolerant, live and let live.
Humility protect me from pride and disgrace.
Love and grace protect me from jealousy
Gratitude and contentment protect me from envyThere is a power greater than me and it is not me.
Thank you God for everything! -
I have attended his (anonymous) 12 steps workshop on and off for 12 years now. Today it feels very STRANGE. I find the message he carry today was the BEST. I was glad to be in the workshop today. This is what I need to hear in these 12 years.
……………………….
How many more times do I want to RELAPSE before I stop?
I am VERY SICK of relapse each time. I do not wish to relapse again and ready to stop today.
………………………
Why did I relapse?
I was NOT HONEST about stopping. I told myself if I GAMBLE OR TAKE ALCOHOL NEXT TIME, IT WILL BE DIFFERENT, I WILL BE CAREFUL THIS TIME.
I should NOT have listen to what my mind tell me.
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I am ready to STOP . I am ready to be HONEST, HUMBLE and live life with HUMILITY….Otherwise ISM will hit me:
ISM = Incredible short memory
ISM = I sell myself
ISM = I sabotage myselfINCREDIBLE SHORT MEMORY
How many times have I been burnt real bad when I gamble or drink.
Have I learn my lesson after so many times. Of cos I have learn my lesson because they hurt and are real painful each time.
Yet the addict inside me still want to gamble.
I tell myself that it will be DIFFERENT THIS TIME, I will be more CAREFUL NEXT TIME.
ADDICTION is CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS.
I keep doing the SAME THING expecting a DIFFERENT RESULT.
I was burnt real bad so many times holding on to a burning iron. Of cos I have learnt my lesson but that crazy addiction inside my head still want to hold the burning iron again.
My head keep telling myself that this time will be different, I will be more careful, I will be all right but I still get burn again. If this is not CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS, I don’t know what to call it.
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This question my honesty in recovery. I need to be honest about stopping acting out. If I am using or acting out in anyway, I am not honest to self. I need honesty to do recovery.
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TODAY I RENEW MY COMMITMENT ON THIS DAY DATED 23 JULY 2017 TO BE HONEST TO SELF, BE HUMBLE TO GOD AND MY ADDICTION AND LIVE WITH HUMILITY ONE DAY AT A TIME. -
For many years out of my 12 years in recovery, I was practicing total abstinent one day at a time. At first it was real simple, I just have to go total abstinent.
I was honest in the beginning. I did not cheat when I go abstinent BUT I relapse time and time again. I could not handle those many setback in life.
I had relied on ME, I, MYSELF , My Power to do recovery, I had tried to correct and change things whenever there were setback, it never work. I crumble under all the weight and disappointments.
I did not know how to depend on a GREATER POWER than me in recovery, I did not accept that I was POWLERLESS over my GAMBLING and ALCOHOL.
I was not humble and honest enough to surrender completely to God, Gambling, Alcohol and my many addictions. GOD and the DEVIL in my addiction are a GREATER POWER than ME.
I became so POWERLESS and HELPLESS when I was Gambling and using Alcohol. This awareness make me real small.
I have struggled and do not know how to live life on life ‘s term in recovery ever since August 2005.
But since April to July 2017, I have turn to a greater power than myself everyday.
I choose to TRUST and allow God to fight the battle for me everyday. I was prepared to accept anything that God gives me and many times it did not turn out the way I wanted.
I have learn to ACCEPT and TOLERATE them, I do not try to intervene, I do not runaway anymore from the pain, suffering and discomfort. It was living life on life ‘s term.
In recovery, my God come first, my family second and me last. Giving myself less importance and teaching myself HUMILITY in life has improve the quality of my recovery. HUMILITY protect me from PRIDE and SHAME N DISGRACE. HUMILITY keep me GRATEFUL.
HONESTY, HUMBLE, HUMILITY PROTECT ME FROM COMPLACENCY, TEMPTATIONS and TRIGGERS. -
Gratitude _ I am grateful to have a job and a stable income now. I am doing better than I expected.
Anxiety and Contentment_I am beginning to struggle and finding trouble sleeping normal now after 3 months on the new job. I am feeling more uneasy and restless, less relax end of the day. The unpleasant feeling of fear and worry is growing in my life.
Fear that I am not performing well at work which is not true, because my quota was 13k a month but I produced 15k in less than a month on my first month, 20k on my second month, I have already completed 13k this month with a week to go.
Worry that I cannot hit my quota which is not true because I have exceeded my minimum quota but I want More. This is why I am a addict, I want More and More, it was always never enough and a sign of an addict ‘s unrealistic expectation.
Feeling insecurity was a part and parcel of the job, they threaten termination if we cannot hit our quota. FEAR OF LOST of job is driving people to work harder.
In the beginning, it was a DESIRE FOR GAIN from job and income security that was driving me to work hard but I didn’t know that my driving factor have change to FEAR this month.
On some days at work, business was real poor despite all the hard work, not every day is good just like living life, there are some really bad and difficult days in between the good days.
Real Threat
I have survived and done well at work because I am doing the same job in a different way at work but I have not used what works for me at work to my personal life.
I was doing the same job and living my life in the old way when I was active acting out. It was insanity and total madness for me to do the same thing and expecting a different result. 3 months has passed since I return to making cold calling in selling. The emotional roller coaster in my life while on this job is threatening to destroy my personal life.
Solution
The solution was not easy but it is simple. There are two power greater than me fighting inside me now. I only need to choose one of the 2 power greater than me, God or my Addiction.
The lesser I listen to God, the more I will listen to me and my addiction, the more powerful it will grow. I get into all kind of troubles when I listen to me.
I need to stay focus on letting God fight the battle for me. I need to have complete trust and give total surrender to God. I have practice it almost daily for 3 months at work, it has done wonder for me. It is time to do the same thing across my life.
I Am Ready_I am ready to accept anything that God gives me in life .I am ready to accept living life on life’s term in recovery.
Recovery is not easy but it is simple_ONE DAY AT A TIME
Today I only need to TRUST GOD, surrender my life and will completely to the care of God. I must accept anything that God gives me in life. It is living life on life ‘s term.
Recovery is an action plan. I must practice ;
ACCEPTANCE & TOLERANT OF ANY DISCOMFORT, PAIN AND SUFFERING,
ACCEPTANCE & PATIENCE, BE STILL- I DO NOT NEED TO INTERVENE OR CHANGE ANYTHING,
ACCEPTANCE & LOVE – UNCONDITIONAL GIVING AND SELF SACRIFICE
ACCEPTANCE & COMMITMENT TO STAY STOP ALL THE WAY REGARDLESS OF THE CONDITIONS – ON SOME DAYS THERE WILL BE UNEASINESS AND DISCOMFORT, THERE WILL BE STRESS, FRUSTRATION, ANGER, PAIN AND SUFFERING….
Dishonesty – I have my OFF DAY in RECOVERY. I have not been honest, I have listen to my head and give in to my desire when the urge and temptation was strong.
I told myself; This time, the result will be different, I will be more careful.
ISM
I sold myself
I sabotage myself
Incredible Short Memory – After getting into troubles so many times, I can still forget the extreme pain and suffering it brings me when I hit rock bottom, it is so SHOCKING but TRUE for any addict.
Recovery is an action plan
It was useless if I have acceptance but do nothing about my intolerant, impatient, selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, impulsive, compulsive ways… -
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I was so grateful that the week and month ended well. It has been challenging. There are many new changes at work.
1. The company started a people management program and threaten to terminate staff who could not perform.
2. Our Quality Assurance team started a penalty grid system that threaten to reduce our commission.
3. I have to learn a new product, much time and effort is required.I was so glad that I choose to slow down in the middle, it has allow me to recollect myself otherwise I was drifting and losing myself. I don’t like to return to the old me.
It is only a job, if this job threaten my recovery, I am ready to change job.
This month was made harder
4. my 87 years old mum suddenly fall very sick and was bed ridden for 2 days, it was very worrying. Thank God she recovers and was eating and able to walk now.
5. my ex employer has cheated me since end May 17 about paying me my overdue one month wages. They have been lying and making it very difficult for me to claim my one month wages. It was painful for me when they continue to give false hope, empty promises and each time for me to discover it was a lie. Thank God, they finally paid me the money on 27 July 2017. It was over due by more than 7 months.
I thought all the anxieties in life this month came from my work but that was not the case, I notice how my mum ‘s health and the expectation of the money which never came from my ex employer was stressing me a lot.
I slept much better on 27 July 2017 than any other days in the month when I receive my long overdue wages and paid my credit card bill immediately. The burden disappear and the peace has return, all the resentment and anxieties was gone.
It was same and simple but important message from my sponsor and a facilitator of a 12 step workshop :
Don’t trust myself, don’t listen to my head…. -
12 years ago, I saw this recovery slogan
We are RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EFFORT, not the outcome.
What does responsible for the effort means to me?
I was not required to like it , I am only required to DO IT.
12 years later, I see this
We are responsible for the effort, NOT THE OUTCOME.
Wow!
It was telling me today that there is a greater power than me, and to accept anything that God gives me, it was all about living life on life ‘s term. -
Addiction is CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS.
We were burnt so badly so many times when we hold on to a burning hot iron. We have learnt our lesson but the addiction inside us still want to hold the burning hot iron again.
Our head keep telling us that this time will be different, we will be careful next time but we still get burn again.
If this is not CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS, I don’t know what to call it. I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result.
Addicts have (ISM) Incredible Short Memory.I am beginning to enjoy this gentle reminder to myself
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Since late 2013, my new mentor has been a good sponsor and teacher to me, he was like a God send to me. He was kind and taught me some very important living skill.
He allow me to learn and progress at my own pace, experience everything myself, let me take one baby step forward at a time. Yes, I have make many mistakes and had many fall along the way, it was never perfect.
I had slip and relapse, but they has help me learn and grow in recovery. They happen for a reason, they happen either because I was not doing some thing or I was not doing it right. It has been a slow, challenging and not easy journey but a rewarding one in the end. It has help an imperfect person like me to walk the talk one day at a time.Below was memories of my journey with my sponsor over the last 4 years. He shares with me the following:
John 8:32 – And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
John 14:6 – Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
My Lesson no. 1 in year 2013 – It was my first introduction to God.
Seek God; you can find all the answers in the bible
Luke 9:23 New International Version (NIV)
23 Then Jesus said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.
My Lesson no. 2 in year 2014 going total abstinent
Deny my desires or selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways
Matthew 14:28-31New International Version (NIV)
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
My Lesson no. 3 in year 2015 when I struggle with adversity, stress, pain and suffering.
Keep my eyes on God.
The story of David vs Goliath, underdog vs the Giant
My Lesson 4: 2017
Let God fight the battle for me. I trusted God. I will accept any outcome that God gives me. In doing so , I learn to find peace and live my life, living life on life ‘s term, not my term.
Trust God; He will Deliver as Promised
Psalm 118:8 “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.”
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”
My latest lesson no. 5
Trust the Lord completely; don’t ever trust yourself ~Proverbs 3:5I was an all addiction addict, I am no different from any kind of addicts, I am always getting into new trouble every year. I really do not know how I could have made it this far until age 51. There must be a power greater than me. Thank you God!
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Guest
I am pleased for you that you are listenning to the higher power, and not your addictions.
Thanks for posting your regular messages. I never realised you are the same age as me, we still have a lot of life to enjoy mister.
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Dear diary
I woke up at 3am today and cannot get back to sleep. I was still reflecting on the teaching of letting God fight the battle for me, and accepting anything that God gives me, and living life on life ‘s term in recovery.
This message came to me:
Numbers 1-3
The People Rebel
1Then all the congregation lifted up their voices and cried, and the people wept that night. 2All the sons of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron; and the whole congregation said to them, “Would that we had died in the land of Egypt! Or would that we had died in this wilderness! 3″Why is the LORD bringing us into this land, to fall by the sword? Our wives and our little ones will become plunder; would it not be better for us to return to Egypt?”…I have question my faith and confidence in God many times. There are many events in the last 4 years, where my situation was very depressing, unfortunates, painful, and stressful, frustration, disappointment and suffering are still a part of life. I did not want my life to be like this.
My tolerant level was very weak, I become very anxious and impatient, I wanted to change everything immediately by gambling or eating and taking alcohol.
In recovery, it was the same, during difficult times, I question what I was doing when I go abstinence from all form of acting out and destructive ways.
I was not God, I did not finish my work all the way.
In life and in recovery, I STOP staying stop from all form of acting out and destructive ways many times. I did not want to take hardship, I did not want to accept any suffering and pain in my life. I didn’t care anymore. I forget why I was in recovery in the first place, I could not sacrifice myself for the LOVE of important people in my life.
I become selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.
Today, in life, I am learning how to accept anything that God gives me. Do not trust myself, trust only God. In recovery, I am learning how to live life on life ‘s term, not my term.
Many times, I complicate matters and got myself into more and deeper troubles because I listen to my head.
I need to finish my work all the way. I need God to help me do what I cannot, I need God given wisdom, strength and courage to do that.
Freedom From the Chain of Addiction;
(John 8:32) “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”Freedom From Fear
Romans 8:15 “For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’”
2 Timothy 1:7 “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
Psalm 56:4 “In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”
Freedom From Sin
Acts 10:43 “To Him all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins through His name.”
Romans 6:6-7 “We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin.”
1 Corinthians 10:13b “God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” -
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I do not need to gamble for the extra money and I do not have to act out in destructive behavior to be happy.
However, the thought to act out in destructive ways will continue to be there. I need to be mindful all the time.
They are like passing train, they will come without fail but they will pass every time.
I do not have to listen to them. I cannot trust myself. I can ignore them. I can detach myself from them.
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MY ACTION PLAN
Action Plan 1 – I plan to seek the truth in life and in recovery.
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free ~ John 8:32
I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man come to the father but by ME. ~ John 14:6
1a. I will accept anything that God gives me in life / I am responsible for the effort, not the outcome in both life and recovery/ living life on life’s term in recovery.
Action Plan 2 – I am going to do total abstinent, I plan to deny my desires daily (one day at a time)
Then Jesus said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. ~ Luke 9:23 (NIV)
Action Plan 3 – Keeping my eyes on God all the time. Giving up any selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways. Giving up my self-will and follow God’s will daily.
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” 31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” ~ Matthew 14:28-31 (NIV)
Action Plan 4 – At work, trusting God completely and let God fight the battle for me every day (David fighting Goliath).
I am responsible for the effort, I do not control or determine the outcome. I will accept anything that God gives me in life / living life on life’s term in recovery. Trusting God ‘s promise.
Action Plan 5 -Trust the Lord completely; don’t ever trust myself
Until the last day in my life, I expect the thought that tell me to act out in self destructive behavior to be like the daily passing train, it will come. It is very tempting and dangerous to jump on it but it is safer and very important to not to listen to it and let it go.
“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” ~ Proverbs 3:5
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. ~ John 10:10 -
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1.I am not allowing myself to act out in destructive behaviors, while practicing denying myself and my desires.
2.I am prepared for setbacks to happen in life and in recovery now. I am reminding myself to carry my cross, bad things can happen too when we do good etc. I have experience losing my job, not getting my pay, my elderly mum becoming bedridden, getting into and out of debts. I will continue to trust God, I have walk into and walk out of all those trials and temptations. I have gained experience, knowledge and mindfulness.
3. I am learning to trust God; accepting anything that God gives me; living life on life term.
I have a habit of trying to control and change outcome when it did not meet my expectation instead of practicing acceptance, tolerant and patient.4. I am learning to surrender my self-will and follow God will. I am learning to let God do the battle for me.
Trusting God’s promise, believing that God will provide abundant.
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Dear diary
Something is very not right in my life right now. I cannot explain my many behaviors over the last 12 months or so. It is growing in strength and becoming more and more powerful, slowly and progressively threatening to send me into another new rock bottom.
Firstly, I can understand that my job is not everything in my life. My family and love ones is more important than my job. Secondly, I don’t need to drink to drown any sorrow. Life is good. I am grateful and contented. Thirdly, I don’t need to gamble for more money.
But after 5 months on the new job, I am very sure I was slowly rotting away. The new job was the source of my stress and fear in my life. I become anxious and restless from the stress at work, I am losing the peace I had and not able to rest and sleep early, soon I was using alcohol again. I become anxious and impatient, I wish to clear my debt earlier, soon I was gambling from time to time.
I didn’t know what was happening.
Until…
I chatted with someone I was helping from time to time.
I started my conversation telling the other person that I was facing a recovery crisis.
I went on to talk about leaving all the groups that kept me safe and turning to all the things that got me into trouble.
I left a very strong recovering community because what the pastor told me surprise me one day, he felt that I was an attention seeker. Maybe he felt that I was not giving all the glory and victory to God, maybe he didn’t welcome me in the group anymore. I was not an attention seeker, I do not agree with him. I decided to leave the group in December 2016.
I left another Christian support group much earlier because a few mature Christian volunteers who are not recovering person question and challenge me why I was not baptized. I was angry why did they suddenly attack me in a group. I took it very personal. They care more about me whether I get baptize more than what is happening in my life. I decided to leave this group way before 2016.
I just left another anonymous support group whatsapp chat group because I didn’t like behaviors of 2 person in the group, I can tell that they are playing mind game and trying to take control. I don’t blame them. I felt that they are more sick and needed the group more than me, I choose to walk away.
Everything points to one thing. As I am learning new things. I was throwing away all the things that has kept me safe in recovery and taking in all the old familiar things that have got me into trouble etc. job, gambling and alcohol.
I just need to chat with someone now and message a friend, I reveal and share the above to the person.
My friend replied to me: “Remember it is never on our terms but always on God’s term.”
This message strike me like lightning. It exposes a big blind spot I had.
WHEN THINGS DID NOT TURN OUT ACCORDING TO MY TERMS, I WILL TURN TO MY WAYS AND MY TERM. This has got me into all kind of troubles and wipe out everything I had.My friend encourages me to talk to God.
I took a screenshot of my update today and save it in my phone, the part about not seeking our terms but one from a Higher Power. I hope that I will remember to look at the message again and again everyday when I forget about it completely. -
It was natural for me to walk in the flesh: my mind told me:
1. To put a small 300 sgd gamble on Mexico to win today. The 60 dollars winning can pay for my misc. expenses today.
2. I want to give up! I did not want to continue my walk a jog today because the weather was so hot now and there is a recovery meeting 3 hours later.
3. I did not wish to attend the recovery meeting later because I want to do my walk a jog.
I could see all the natural thing I do in the flesh every day today. Most of the time, I was blind to my behavior.
I was grateful for this moment: I did the unnatural today. I did not do what I desires.
1. I did not gamble.
2. I did my walk a jog first and attend the AA meeting immediately after.
I choose to take the first step today when I cannot see the whole staircase.
I choose to walk by faith, not by sight. -
Building the strength to say No.
I can train my strength physically by exercising and practicing regularly until I can do it.
Unfortunately I cannot attain spiritual strength doing physical exercise. I need to obey and follow God and the program.
It is a painful struggle in the beginning. I believe that it will become easier with practice and it is all worth it.
I watch my steps during my walk a jog, I was taking half a step forward each time. I was so weak that I could not take one full step forward over the distance.
The day will come when I could take one full step forward around the park one day.
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Pain
Pain is the touchstone of Spiritual Growth.
Recovery
The price for serenity is Self-Sacrifice.
Dear diary
I didn’t know what was happening to me in 2017. Everything look like they are falling apart in my life and I started to exercise again.
1. I did not like to jog over distance. I would run out of breath many times, it feels like suffocating or dying. It is very painful and stressful.
2. Many times, when I feel this pain, I wish to stop. Stop running and my pain will go away. It was so tempting to give in and just stop running.
3. Each time, I had to tell myself not to give up when it becomes stressful and painful, I have to remind myself not to give in to the temptation. Over 2 km, this surely happen a few times, I realize that I need to build up mental strength for the job. I need to dig into my mind for strength when my body was failing me until I finish the distance.
The truth
The pain and stress from running is shorter but sharper, more painful and intense than the pain and stress of not gambling, drinking, working,taking sleeping pill, and having sex.
If I can survive and manage the pain and stress from running every day. I will beat the pain and stress of not gambling, drinking, taking sleeping pill, and having sex every day.
Today was my 8th day of running, I can already feel that I was a little stronger seeing myself running longer and further. -
The Holy Ghost let me know immediately I was wrong.
I think of the scripture that Jesus spoke when he said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do (paraphrasing – Luke 23:34).I have forgotten the great pain, torture and big suffering that my family have to go through as a result of my gambling.
Isaiah 50:6 ESV
I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard; I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting.
Psalm 22:16–18 ESV
For dogs encompass me; a company of evildoers encircles me; they have pierced my hands and feet— I can see all my bones— they stare and gloat over me; they divide my garments among them, and for my clothing they cast lots.
Luke 23:11
Then Herod and his soldiers ridiculed and mocked him. Dressing him in an elegant robe, they sent him back to Pilate. -
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Whatever is happening for you now i hope you are ok. You helped me when i was struggling so badly many times.
Remember your advice to me about baby steps.. dont be too hard on yourself Kin.. recovery is to be enjoyed its not punishment. You help others when they need it now let others help you and help yourself.. you deserve recoveryP
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Your posts speak volumes. Your struggles are heard and for some of us we too feel those similar weakness. But for me i hear the transition from you.. I dont go to church except for funerals..i believe in God yet i havent taken the time to read the bible or attend a service. But at this funeral the preacher as he spoke said “this is not your battle. Its Gods”. I felt the power in those words a sensation within that calmed me for the day. The hope it gave me then and now. I am but a human solider who has always tried to fix other peoples problems and was looking for an easy fix for me but you know what..i believe my fix will be no more excuses its time to go to church. Its time i accept so ministry..thank you for helping me see that..good luck.you are a servant of a Higher Power. God Bless you
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hi. I’m new here. after 4 months of not gambling I slipped up this weekend with horse racing and slot machines. I borrowed 5000 from a loan shark so I have to pay back 6500 on my next pay day. last month I borrowed 30000 from another loan shark to pay off all the loan sharks. I owe that loan shark 39000 by end of January. stopping gambling isn’t my problem now. it’s the aftermath that is killing me with guilt. how do u get over the guilt. I should mention I’m from south africa
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Dear all,
for your update. I am doing fine. Life has return to normal for me now. I am feeling grateful and contented again. I didn’t realized I was miss in here. Please accept my apology!
Recently I was active in a new WhatsApp group of new recovering people. Posting there daily have taken me away from this journal. Thank you bro and sis for the love. I will try to update this journal more regularly. -
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1. Emotional relapse
2. Mental relapse
3. Physical relapseThe potential to relapse is part of the nature of addiction,
Recovery from the disease of addiction like other chronic illness is a daily affair.
If we don’t take the right measures to address our recovery on a daily basis,
if we don’t adjust our lifestyle in accordance with the requirements of our disease,
then we are bound to go back to ACTING OUT because that is how we cope with life.
In the disease of addiction, a relapse begins before we physically ACT OUT again.
Relapse is a process that goes through EMOTIONAL and MENTAL phases before we finally find ourselves in a place where we think we have no choice but to ACT OUT again.
When we go back to our old attitudes, old feelings, and old behaviors, when we stop working our program and ignore the support of our Fellowship then we go back to doing what we have done for a lifetime —
we ACT OUT to deal with or escape from life.
As they say in the Fellowship, by the time we ACT OUT, we have already relapsed in our minds!
Our emotions and thinking patterns require our vigilance, if we hope to maintain our recovery.
If we become aware that our attitudes and feelings are slipping back to our old and destructive ways, we can then take healthy ways to employ coping mechanisms and recovery tools to stop the process from disintegrating into a final physical relapse.
For these are the phases where we still have power of choice and control to stop our disease from sabotaging us into ACTING OUT again. -
Another lesson learnt:
If I was not doing the wrong thing, if I was not criticized and judge, if I was not sick, if my thinking was not irrational and my feeling was not unreliable. I will not learn. It force me not to listen to my irrational thought and unreliable feeling moving forward.
The decision made was not my old ways, I shall choose to do the right thing not because it made me feel good but because it was the right thing to do.
In the past, how many times did I choose not to do the right thing because doing the right thing did not made me feel good.
Doing sinful things and wrong feels good, should I continue to do it.
Doing right don’t feels good, should I continue to do it.
It was all about giving up old ways, and self-will. -
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This is helping me to made new decisions…
In the past:
How many times did I choose to do the right thing because it made me feel good.
How many times did I choose to do the wrong thing because it made me feel good.
Today;
In recovery, I learnt to do thing because it was the right thing to do, not because it made me feel good. For example, work, exercise, providing for the family.
I will experience stress and unhappiness at work doing some things that do not make me feel good.
I will experience stress and pain doing the same exercise I used to do
I will have lesser money to spend when I provide for my family.
But these are the right thing to do.
In recovery, I choose not to do things that make me feel good because it was the wrong thing to do. For example: take alcohol, gambling, drug, overeat.
I will stop overeating and taking alcohol and drug that make me feel good.
I will stop gambling that give me a quick fix and escape from reality. -
Good to read your posts Kin. We just need to do the next RIGHT thing as they say in GA.
Your journey has been troubled but you are here to do the right thing not the next feel good thing. Just be careful you are not punishing yourself, by depriving yourself as that may just trigger more self indulgence.
So many things are beyond our control, how others react and behave for example, all we can do is work on our own behaviours and reactions.
god bless,
Laura -
My health was hit harder now when I abuse any substance. It does crazy thing to the brain, some part just switch off and some part that is very dark can take over the control and thinking, it does crazy thing to me. It really shows my limitation as I could no longer handle alcohol compare to my younger days.
Every winning streak ended in losses end of the day. I hate losing and cannot handle loses well, I could not walk away and not come back. Each gambling losses can set me back many months in repayment. I can lose my financial freedom for many months.
It is really unnecessary for me to drink or gamble.
It only brings out the worst in me.
The drinking and gambling makes me feel like someone important, everything revolves around me.
Stay humble keep me safe.
Staying humble include reminding myself that I am not better than another recovering person, I could not handle getting drunk or gambling loss better than them.
Staying humble include reminding myself not to let the person I help feel that I am better than them.
Staying humble in recovery saves my life. -
I always love to read your posts and so glad to see that you are posting again. I hope to catch you again one day in chat sometime..
Don’t step into the ring! and baby steps, the advice you gave me when i was struggling and it really helped at the time too. You were a great help to me when we would chat Kin so thank you..P
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I do not know how many more years before I will lose my sanity.
It was like a preview yesterday morning, I suddenly relive all those scary and paranoid feeling, it was all dark and very negative, it felt so real, I fear that bad things were going to happen to me but all that was not true in real life.
I don’t know what happen to the brain but substance abuse can really do that to my head. I was crazy for a few hours. I was capable of going crazy!
If I do not want to relive this dark and hellish feeling…I need to stay away from alcohol. -
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Drinking and gambling maybe makes you feel like a “bigshot”, your world shrinks and at it’s center is you calling the shots. One more drink, one more bet. And the establishment likely will cater to that… they want your money as we know. And maybe it makes you feel like you are able to control your world but not of us have control of the behaviour of others around us.
And afterwards the money is gone and all that is left is a hangover of the darkest proportions. Which makes us feel small, scared, less than others. With our deep dark secret making us feel vulnerable, crazy, desperate. No wonder you feel the way you feel Kin. When we are balanced, brain, body, mind it helps us to not feel less than others. And we have no need to try and be superior to others. Glad you are posting Kin.
Laura
take care,
laura -
I saw this reading recently; it said “Seek the Lord’s kingdom first”
Put first thing first and the second things are thrown in. Put second thing first and you lose both first and second ~ CS Lewis
I have learnt a good lesson this year. This year was and will be a good trial for me, one that made me lose what little I have and how I finish depended on whether I am willing to switch the priority of things around.
When I place the priority of keeping the job, making money, repaying my debts above God, my family and recovery. It was likely for me to fall to old ways again and again in time of weakness and vulnerability and end up working for nothing in the end. -
I have taken the first step to pray everyday and set aside some money to provide for the family again
But
I realize that I become very stubborn to change in life especially after I return to my old profession of many years.
Returning to my old work brings back many old ways; I persist stubbornly and fearlessly in work until I get the result.
There was no such thing as stop halfway and walk away, that is not how I sell.
It may work for me in sales but it fail me in life.
I have found comfort in acting out in many other ways this year. I have done it but nothing criminal.
It was good to loosen up and relax but to lose my moral compass and value is another thing.
When did doing the wrong thing in my life become the right thing to do? -
To be hurt by the people you help feels very disappointing, shocking and painful. It was ugly.
How many times have I done this to my family. I cannot remember the many others who had help me and I did this to them intentionally or not intentionally.
I have no right to be inconsiderate to those who have done the same to me.
Yes it hurts…… this is where I am grateful to be in recovery; I have the mindfulness to forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.
Taking a step back and walking away from these harmful people ease the burden and stress in life but…
I was suppose to stand on shore and throw the life saver to them when they fall into the water, not jump into the water.
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I felt very disturb and betrayed when my role models in recovery relapse or make mistake one by one in my early recovery. I believe in them, how can they still drink and gamble when they talk about staying alcohol and gambling free ? I felt cheated by what I see.
Today I understand that this is a one day at a time program, no one promise staying alcohol and gambling free forever, this apply to everyone.
Whoever fall today just have to pick himself or herself up the next day and start to stay alcohol and gambling free one day at a time again. This is how it work!
This is a lifetime journey, the program continues.
When I was new, I could not see they are human. Like me, they are not perfect.I have not met a perfect Christian too.
I am making the same mistakes now. This was a path everyone in recovery have to walk.
There is hope. Life does become more bearable now.I am not perfect, this why I need Christ and recovery to find the freedom, peace and joy I want.
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SEEK FIRST HIS KINGDOM
We hear a lot of talk about establishing priorities in our lives.
But no one say it better than Jesus
“Do not worry, saying; “What shall we eat?” “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?”
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,
And all these things shall be added to you” ( Mathew 6:31.33)
Food, drink and clothing are important, but they are not your priority.
Rather, your pursuit of God – and the result of spiritual growth – is what really matters.
When you put God first, He will provide for you and your family.
That ‘s His promise – seek Him, and He will take care of everything else.
As C S Lewis said “ Put first thing first and we get second thing thrown in:
Put second thing first and we lose first and second things.”
Maybe this message is for you too. -
Guest
I don’t post much to you Kin but always enjoy the messages you post.
Have a nice day. ??
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I was still able to describe how I feel in every situation.
I trusted my head, it tells me how much I can afford to lose and how much to gamble, It tells me that my gamble was correct.
I was willing to go to all length to follow the instruction of my head. I am willing to go thru all the inconvenience and trouble to place the gamble.
It felt so real, the reason to do it was so convincing but many times I lost my last dollar this way only to realize what my head tell me was not true. It felt so real but it was not the truth. It was full of false belief, false hope, justification and rationalization, deceit and lies to myself which prompted me to place the first bet and the beginning of a life of self-destruction.
Never trust what my head tell me. Every time I listen to my head, I go back to my old secret ways, I will drink and gamble, I will control, manipulate situations and people. It has been like that on and off for the last 30 years.
It was a shocking truth that I cannot trust my head.
It was very painful to trust it one more time only to see all the destruction it bring back to my life one more time financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally and damage to my relationship with God and family plus recovery.
I must give up any hope listening to my head. I should listen to the Truth. I must stop listening to the head and its way and start following God’s way to the best of my ability. -
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I will gladly accept what I have now, I have already learnt to be comfortable and accept myself now.
My recovery was never perfect and smooth sailing, it was full of incidents and offered me many lessons.
I was thankful for all these lessons, I needed them, I need it to break down my stubbornness, self-righteousness, ego, pride and arrogant.
I will keep trying, all the baby changes or progress will add up one day, this was my story. I do not envy others because I do not know anyone who is perfect.
When I describe my feeling, I can read feeling I have now that I could not see myself writing in the past. This was the evidence of baby progress I made.
In the past, I learnt that everyone have a choice including me.
When things get difficult and was time for me to made a decision, I did not make it easier because my list of things to do included all the right thing and wrong thing to do altogether such as all the vices like alcohol, gambling, food and sex. Imagine this, when my thinking was not straight and my feeling was not right, I was vulnerable and prone to picking all the bad choices.
Now I realize the following;
1. Choices – I can choose to gamble or not gamble
2. Chance – Every single time I had a chance not to gamble
3. List of things to do – Create a list of to do thing without any vices, pick anything from the list to do, they are all good and not destructive ones.
I can made things easier for myself.
How right are they when I set my priority right, everything naturally fall into its rightful place.
Priority 1 – My God
Priority 2 – My Recovery
Priority 3 – My family; Love, care and contribution to the family
Priority 4 – Money; I can earn less and do all the above as long as I am not losing any money to gambling.
Priority 5 – Job; I do not have to fear losing this job and the money it bring anymore. I can see now, the price was heavy, my cost for keeping this job was spiritually. It was not worthy at all because end of the day, I will still lose the job and whatever money.
Keeping this job used to be my no.1 priority and I lost all the above, my relationship with God and family suffer, I back slided in recovery, I was not able to contribute to family. I was doing well at work but my old ways return.
Today I am feeling hopeful and happy once more, I knew that after 8 months facing my old enemy or fear on this new job, I am finally prepared and very ready to conquer it by the grace and mercy of God.
What is something new I would like to add to my list of thing to do next year.
I wish to join a men’s fellowship to do bible study – first time / to repair my spiritual health
I wish to start exercising – many times but procrastinate / to repair my physical health -
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In life, many things is uncertain and unpredictable. Like a ship sailing in the sea, sometime it goes a little off course due to strong winds or currents, this is like the living problems we face everyday, it can sometime throw us off our balance, it is perfectly ok to drift from time to time.
It is not the end of the world, but what is more important is the awareness and the ability to recognize and “catch oneself” before it is too late, the willingness to change, refocus and continue to head in the right direction. -
Dear diary,
I remember where I was at last year and I look at where I am right now and what I need to do one day at a time.
What I learn this year will prepare me for next year.
I saw and realized that before every gamble or drink takes place, I have a chance not to gamble or drink, I can choose not to listen to what my head tell me and do something else.
I must not listen to what my head tell me, it is very convincing, it will justify that I. me , myself should come first before everything else. It has this cunning ability to mess up all the priorities in my life.
Gambling, money, drinking become my top priority because other thing like my God, my family, and my recovery lost their priority. When I gamble or drink. I become selfish, self-seeking and irresponsible.
This year was about facing one fear, facing my demon which was a job that brings out the worst in me. 8 months into the job, I saw traces of the old me when I act out in old ways.
Like David fighting Goliath, I will conquer this demon. Every day at work I need to take my moral inventory and work on my character defect, it was a daily battle but there are progress, I have learn to let God fight the battle for me and accept any outcome good or bad, top priority when I receive my salary now was contributing to the family…
I have not forgotten how to ride a bike. I have never forgotten how to drink or gamble. I am ready to change job if it did not work out.
I need to prepare a list of things for me to choose from when I need to made a decision to do something, anything I choose on the list, gambling, drinking, sex and food is not there.
It has been baby steps one day at a time.
Last year this time, my ex employer did not pay my salary on time and I made some very bad decisions. I used the wrong way to provide for my family and service my loan. It was a hard lesson. My priority was all wrong, doing wrong to find money to do the right thing is still wrong. I did what I wanted to do for the family and an elderly person and the rest of the year after that was payback time until I hit the bottom curve in recovery. I saw hope in a new lifestyle. -
2 incident send me back here to rebuild myself.
Both incident have one thing in common. Both new recovery person I reach out, (my location) have no second thought about putting me at risk. I felt that these people will have no second thought about pulling me underwater to save themselves. Their recovery was more important than mine. Their interest comes first. Recovery was selfish and about their survival.
First person was simply very toxic and negative. It felt like a burden after 10 months near this person. Second person have a habit of punishing others. I felt threaten and disappointed when it happens again after knowing this person for more than 6 years.
It was too much load for me. The day I took a break from them, I felt a new freedom and relieve. I don’t have to check on them, I can focus on my recovery and changing myself full time.
I need to build up myself again. I will return to face them again sometime in the future. I am not ready now, I cannot give what I do not have. I need some time to do personal healing. -
Not that I have now attained, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own. — Philippians 3:12
There are many people who are so afraid of making a mistake they don’t do anything. Instead, they sit around saying, “What if I’m wrong? What if I miss God?”
Do you know what God told me one time? He said, “If you miss Me, I’ll find you.”
If we are wandering off somewhere and not sure where we are, we can just lift up our hands and say, “Jesus, come and get me! I’m confused. I think I made a wrong decision.”
God knows we cannot be perfect, so He sent His Son as a perfect sacrifice for us. Now we’re pressing toward the mark of perfection. In Philippians 3, the apostle Paul talks about pressing forward to what lies ahead and forgetting about the past.
God is calling you to press forward today. Stop living in fear of making mistakes, because everyone makes mistakes, period. God is not asking you to not make mistakes. He’s calling you to press forward, trusting Him to lead you. He’s asking you to call upon Him. Don’t live in fear of your imperfection. Live with faith in God’s perfect plan for you.Prayer:
God, I don’t want to live paralysed by fear of my imperfection and my mistakes.
Help me to keep my focus on You.
I know that when I call You, You will help me press forward… -
Jeremiah 50:32
The arrogant one will stumble and fall With no one to raise him up; And I will set fire to his cities And it will devour all his environs.”
James 3:2
For we all stumble in many ways If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well
Psalm 37:24
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand. -
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A real life sharing on TV
He didn’t want to sacrifice eating sweet things.
He didn’t want to exercise.
Today his leg was amputated by the doctor for the second time, the first time the doctor removed 2 toes, later he developed infection, the doctor had no choice but to amputated the leg below the knee due to diabetes.He regretted not controlling his diet, exercise and doing what it takes to control his problem when he had the chance. If he was given a second chance, he would definitely do it.
A very familiar tone in recovery. -
It was not a natural thing for me to do. I did not exercise for a long time and I have put on more than 12 kg. I have never control my diet. I cannot resist over eating, I love consuming carbo, fried food, chili, and sweet stuffs.
Where do I start? Exercise and diet
When do I start? Today
What I need to do today? Taking the first step and doing the next right thing.
What I need to do tomorrow? Repeat what I did today.
How long? One Day At A Time.
The same apply to my recovery in addiction. Don’t wait until it become too late. Don’t let the gambling, alcohol and food destroy what little I have left. I am prepared for death but I was not ready to end up alive losing a limb or two. It will be too painful and too much suffering. It is good to fear, a healthy fear. -
I want to take the first step to exercise today but I was overthinking and anxious.
I couldn’t move my butt until 3 hours later, I wanted to walk 3 rounds around the park but only did 1 round. Finally I was glad to be able to eat moderately today.
I am prepared for the withdrawal that will come with these changes. -
Kin ,
It’s been a while since I read your thread – (been caught up in other people’s drama). I don’t know what word to use – I am gobsmacked, feel like I have been hit on the head with a brick , speechless – I don’t know what the correct word is.You write with such insight and clarity – you recent posts are speaking to my very soul.
It feels like God is calling to me – telling me it’s ok- no need to search – I will find you .Today when I felt so disappointed in myself your thread told me I have been depending on man for help- not God .
I have been searching for help in the wrong places .
Man will always let us down . He is too imperfect. His own weaknesses will always get in the way.I have lost my way Kin – but your beautiful writing has shown me today that God has found me and is speaking to me .
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing.
You have the gift of wisdom . -
Day no. 2
I do not know why I do not feel hungry eating lesser than before but the warning sign are there on day two. My body experiences body aches from the walk and I notice my tolerant level become very low today which can causes me to explode in anger easily. Help me God to keep my emotion manageable.
Latest update: I was showing some symptom of keto flu such as irritability, nausea and sleep issue at this stage just like how they mention may happen in the beginning.
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Everything was so advance nowadays. They have the latest method and know the way, most importantly they work.
I was on keto diet for 5 days now and I have lost 5 kg of water weight despite eating and drinking lots of water. I still have another 37 days to go to finish my first phase before deciding whether I want to continue this.
I expected the weight loss in the first 10 days to be water weight loss. After that I should be expecting more fat loss.
Recently I learn that the body burn calorie from sugar, protein and fats. I need to teach my body to burn fat and I need to go on this keto diet for 6 weeks to achieve ketosis.
I need to eat more fat and some protein so that the body can learn and choose to burn fats instead of protein. I need to consume more vegetables too while I deprive my body of sugar and carbohydrate.
When the body start to lose weight very quickly, my body metabolism will slow down out of survival instinct, this is not what I want, I need to exercise regularly to maintain or raise the metabolic rate and prevent it from slowing down.
It was not a painful experience, imagine I was actually eating and losing weight. It was a happy thing to do, I see the result so quickly, it was very encouraging.
I had butter, hardboiled egg, scramble egg, broccoli, bacon, breast meat, pecan and lots of water with slices of lemon in them.
The trick is to deprive the body of sugar and carbohydrates. I started to visit the supermarket and read the label, and found out there are so many processed food in the market which is not very healthy for the body.
There is hope for fat people like me, losing weight and more importantly, this diet helps diabetic, heart and cancer condition.
I am doing my recovery one day at a time. Recovery is about changing to a new lifestyle otherwise nothing changes.
I cannot do this without the Higher Power giving me the strength to do it. God is everything, I am nothing. Thank you God. -
Hi Kin. What will power you must have – I tried keto diets a few times but I became so angry I had to stop. It had a huge effect on my mood.
This makes me wonder if all food we eat effects our mood .
I did lose some weight really fast .
Dieting is so hard – but it is horrible being over weight and breathless too- and clothes shopping is a nightmare.
Maybe I wil follow your lead and try to lose a few pounds before Christmas .
Keep strong ! -
You recent posts are very inspirational Kin. Made me look deep into my heart, into my faith, and into how I treat my body. Most of the food I eat is full of carbs sugars and fats. I remember watching a well known guru of integrative medicine describe it as eating dead foods. Foods that don’t feed our bodies, our cells. And that we need to eat live foods to thrive. I’m sure what we eat affects our moods. And our moods affect what we want to eat. Take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. All three make up who we are.
Laura -
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I am heavily addicted to gambling… I have today reversed ￡10,000 and couldnt afford to lose it…. I am going to now borrow money on my mums credit card to pay my tab bill, then try to pay it off monthly without my partner finding out and it may take me another year of deceiving and lies… Right on top of Xmas… What a stupid, stupid person I am… I cant stop, I have tried for years, right now my gambling is the worst it has ever been and I feel helpless, stupid, pathetic and a liar… PLEASE – is there a cure?
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You should probably start your own thread – go to bottom
Of page and click new topic .
There is no cure but u can put barriers in place like gambling blocks on ur computer or phone .
Cut up all cards
But mostly I have to accept that what’s gone is gone
U will get lots of advice and suppprt on here -
Update:
My 1st week on egg diet was amazing, it has helped me lose 6 kg of water weight loss, however it came to a plateau on the 2nd week, I could only lose one more kg and the weight remain the same for the next 5 days of the week. I decided to stop this diet after the second week.
I had experienced symptom of keto flu on the first week, there was headache, dizziness, low level of energy in the morning and high energy in the afternoon.
My appetite was normal on the first week but was shocked to lose it on the second and I hit a plateau for weight loss so early on my 2nd week.
I face 2 problems, I need to eat lots of vegetable on this diet but I don’t know how to do it, I may have to consider doing juicing and I have not exercise for a long time, I need to do it to increase my metabolic rate but the body aches only add stress to my dieting.
This is the 3rd week: I have return to normal eating and have since regained 2 kg, I continue to exercise to gain strength, the lighter weight has make it easy on my knee.
Keto diet works… I would be ready the next time. -
I hope you are over your flu.
I just wanted to wish you a happy holidays. Not sure if you celebrate Christmas as such.
Exercise is a great stress reliever, it also releases the endorphins that make us feel good. Dieting isn’t easy! this time of year makes it even worse!!!!
Take care Kin,
Love K xx -
I hope you are over your flu.
I just wanted to wish you a happy holidays. Not sure if you celebrate Christmas as such.
Exercise is a great stress reliever, it also releases the endorphins that make us feel good. Dieting isn’t easy! this time of year makes it even worse!!!!
Take care Kin,
Love K xx -
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Hi Kathryn & I did it,
Thank you for all your well wishes! Christmas is celebrated here like anywhere else.
Just a quick updates, my life was more peaceful and stable now compare to the same period last year. I even have the chance to try dieting and exercise this month, it was an interesting and pleasant experience but I found out that I was not well prepared enough and ready to do both at the same time and stop the dieting after 2 weeks.
I have lost 7 kg in 10 days and have since pick up 4 kg in the next 7 days after I stop dieting.
I was able to slow jog longer now, strength and stamina has improve. The health benefits are obvious. I will be better prepared the next time when I do the same diet again. In the meanwhile, I will continue to slow jog regularly to build strength and condition.
There was improvement in all areas of my life recently, the baby steps progress is fine with me.
Thank you God! -
Good morning Kin. I’m glad to hear that your life is more peaceful and stable. I found aggressive dieting gave me gambling urges. It was likely that I was having cravings for the missing carbs in my diet but those feelings triggered gambling urges. I think when dieting we need to be careful. Feelings of depriving ourselves may cause bad feelings as well which can trigger urges. That being said, I need to lose weight before I have more surgery. I too will be restricting carbs.
I wish you a happy New Year Kin! Remember, progress not perfection. We do not need to do everything perfectly! Unreal expectations can lead us back. Be happy with your self! Love your self!
Laura
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Kin a strict diet is not the best way to lose weight. I think you know that now!
You made a huge effort, though.
I used to try that years ago.
“No white flour . No sugar”was my method. It usually lasted 24hrs and then I would go on a crazy binge (A bit like gambling)
Baby steps, one day at a time might work better.
I will HAVE to start a diet when all the boxes of chocs and the Christmas cake and puddings are all eaten.
I have become so unfit it scares me.
I wish I had your strength and stamina and the ability to jog!
The thought exhausts me!
HAPPY NEW YEAR Kin. -
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To Me and Bro Maverick
I can forget, drift and backslide when I become complacent. I need to remind myself, I am not a perfect man.
Gambling gives me false hope. If gambling has a voice, all the promises that it tell me was all a lie.
Gambling was like a robber, it come into our life and rob us of our peace, joy and freedom.
Gambling took over the top priority and love in our life that once belong to God, family and work.
Gambling took away the time that once belong to God, family and work and rob us of the money that could have been spend on love ones.
Most honest recovery people was there and has done that, they were once in a very unmanageable situation. The hole was so big and deep, life look hopeless but the miracle of recovery changes all that and today these people carry the message of recovery with gratitude.
Recovery from gambling was all about not gambling today. Our past is history, there is nothing we can do to erase and change all that, you can only focus on not gambling today, don’t worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has not arrive, when it come, you just need to repeat what you did today.
If taking one day at a time was tough, try taking baby steps, do the next right thing, one thing at a time.
No honest recovery person I knew was perfect, they cannot guarantee that they can stay gamble free for the rest of their life. We can only stay gamble free today. If we fail today, it is not the end of the world, tomorrow we try again to stay gamble free again. Every gambling free day matter, they all add up. Each day we say no to addiction, we are healing. We seek progress, not perfection!
I was an alcoholic too, I used to drink almost every week. Last year I only drank twice over 365 days. Frankly, I cannot remember how many days I gamble, I can either choose to beat up myself for my imperfection in recovery or be encourage by the progress I made in recovery. I do not claim perfection in recovery. I choose to see a half full glass instead of an half empty glass. It help me to remain in gratitude, humble and motivated to work harder to seek more progress. I am doing this for myself.
We are handicap by our addiction, try asking someone on crutches to stand up and walk. It takes a lot of effort and courage to take the first step in early days. Early days in recovery can be tough, it can be painful and stressful but it will get better and become easier over time.
It was not a difficult decision to made, we can only keep one and sacrifice one; either I continue gambling and sacrifice the family or I can choose to keep the family and sacrifice gambling.
Everyone that has done it will tell you they have found a new peace, joy and freedom, quality of life at home has improve, our well-being will affect and bring happiness and hope to our love ones. It is so worth it!
Like many of us in here, our last relapse was not our first relapse; our last attempt was not our first attempt in recovery, we have done it before, we know what it was like and what we need to continue doing.
There is hope. Praise God!
God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. -
Dear diary
It would be a month for month comparison with last year for this year.
If I can protect the sobriety I have now. if I can continue to remain employed, if I could remain Patient, Grateful and Contented and not have Unrealistic Expectations – one day at a time, one month at a time for the rest of the year. I should be able to clear 3 outstanding loans this year, if I did not gamble away my earnings.
The surprise for year 2018 maybe the recovery on my health.
This is a good year for me to place priority and focus on the recovery for my health. I have experimented with ketogenic diet for 2 full weeks recently to see the benefits.
It goes beyond losing weight. It helps in diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease prevention, best of all it starves the cancer cell. I always thought fasting was an extreme behavior and was harmful. I never thought that depriving the body of sugar completely and teaching it to turn to ketone for energy is good for many wonderful health reasons. The benefits of ketogenic diet were proven by doctor and science.
Like going total abstinent in gambling, this is going total abstinent in sugar!!!
(The secret was to teach the body to burn fats and not sugar for fuel.)
Gone are the days when I exercise and struggle to lose weight. It can be discouraging, demoralizing, frustrating and helpless.
I am now given the key to losing weight using strict diet and exercise. Praise God.
The program works, I just need to follow and use it.
How? One baby step at a time.
How long? One day at a time. -
Dear diary,
I feel very different this week, I seem to be a little depress. I was not resting and sleeping well, it makes me very tired. When I wake up, I don’t feel like going to work, it make me take MC. I was also not motivated to go jogging and used the wet weather as an excuse. On top of that I notice that I feel like eating more and gamble.
I struggle to say yes to do the right thing and struggle to say no to do the wrong thing.
Everything doesn’t made sense to me, I need the job and I want to manage my weight, I don’t need to gamble but I feel like doing all the opposite things.
This is nothing new to me because of my history. These are signs that I have gone into the mental relapse mode.
I must not trust what my head tell me to do…found out my eczema has relapse, maybe this is the source of my stress.
I just say “The Lord’s Prayer” -
Guest
Very meaningful words kin.
In England when I went to school, every day we said the Lords Prayer. Then it was just words, as kids we didn’t comprehend the powerful message that prayer is telling us all.
I make perfect sense of it now Kin, I’m pleased to say that last week when I nearly gambled, I didn’t allow myself to be lead in to temptation, and safely came home, delivered from evil.
You can be very strong Kin, I hope you are at this time.
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Dear diary,
I was paralysed by fear recently.
What did my mind tell me? I don’t want to do many things including jogging
What was my feeling? I don’t feel like jogging
What was my thoughts? it was worrying, it been a week, I am afraid I will lose everything…
What did I do?
I tell myself not to listen to my mind, I refer to my past experiences when this happen, it tell me to do the right thing, just go ahead with the jog, I don’t need to like it, I just need to do it. I did it, despite not jogging for a week, I was still able to complete the same distance.
What was my feeling? Past similar experience was right again. I felt very relieve, and good after the jog, I have regain my self confident to do it again.
What was my thoughts? From time to time, my mind is sick, I need to do the opposite and not listen to it to move on in life.
I listened to my past many experiences on the same thing. The outcome was still the same. It was right again. My past experiences was a good teacher to me. -
Dear diary,
1st time in 2018 – I Gambled in FA Cup yesterday.
Lately, I didn’t want to do the right things such as reporting to work and exercise and want to do all the wrong things such as eating and gambling.
What did my mind tell me?
Bad experiences tell me not to gamble on FA cup matches and I reminded myself a few times not to do it later in the night yesterday. ( it was very sad that I cannot trust myself as I can be unreliable and unpredictable when I could not do what I tell myself. )
What was my feeling?
I can afford the loss, I may not lose this time, this time may be different. (feeling is not a fact or truth.)
What was my thought?
It was not a guarantee win, I still want to do it, I don’t care anymore. (It was an emotional decision)
It was too tiring to analyze and study the match after so many hours. I did not want to think hard before I act anymore. ( I am not thinking straight anymore.) It was a blind gamble.
My SELF WILL was strong and STUBBORN to gamble. I was living on FALSE HOPE.
What did I do?
I want to prove my past experience WRONG this time, I went ahead to place the bet.
What was my feeling?
I was very IMPATIENT and IMPULSIVE, SELFISH AND COMPLUSIVE after so many hours.
My self-awareness, mindfulness and self-control was LOW.
I have lost my patient, I want my saving to grow faster, I was not contented with the money I had. I was not grateful with what little money I had.
My Thoughts, my feeling and action is not in line.
What was my thoughts?
I was insane, I hope to do the same thing and expect a different result.
I still have a chance not to do gamble but I did not remember to postpone my gamble, walk away from danger, do another thing and regretted my action.
After long period of gambling, I would lose my self control every single time, I will become impulsive and compulsive without fail.
I did not listen to my past many experiences. My past experiences was right again.
I was wrong. The outcome was still the same.
I can remember how many times I drank last year. Only 2 times over a year.
I cannot remember how many times I gamble last year. I hope I could face the truth in gambling this year.
My past experience was a good teacher, not me. My self will get me into all kind of troubles.
I need to work on my self-will again!
How can I gamble and stop gambling at the same time?
Gambling win is a temporary solution, not a permanent one. Gambling losses worsen my situation and problem.
The problem is me and my self-will, I choose to not listen, not follow, not obey the recovery program and God all the times.
I was not following the truth, I choose to listen to my lies.
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