[trinitysky]

Well, I’m new here and haven’t quite gotten in to the groove of things. I was asked to start participating in the forums so here it goes.
I’m going to start from the beginning, I guess. I most definitely struggled with gambling. I never thought I had it in me to actually develop an addiction and if you ask anyone who really knows me, they would never believe you. I am a product of my situation. At the time that I started gambling I was trying to find myself. I was trying to just cope with the day to day stress that was my life. You see, like most young women, I was in a very distructive relationship… for 9 years. I’m not the kind of person who gives up easy so I stuck it out for a lot longer than I should have. After I finally broke it off I felt kind of lost. Like I had left who I was with him, the truth was that I had just lost myself with him. He destroyed who I was. I rarely saw him while we were “together” he was too busy cheating on me. When I finally did get to see him I was constantly on egg shells, especially if he was drinking. He tended to get violent quite often. In the end this led to our downfall. I guess it also led to mine.
After about a year I started dating someone that I had known for several years. We worked right next door to each other. I had finally found a normal guy. He’s sweet, kind, and all the things we look for in a partner.
I was secretly still caring around all this weight from the first relationship. Some how, I still loved the first guy. We had been together since high school and it was just really hard to let that part of my life go. I was also dealing with my grandmas health issues. She and my grandfather (he died when I was 16) raised me. My mom lives with her but she was more like a sister to me growing up.
Well, my new boyfriend and I met some friends at the local casino for a birthday get together and it was such a relief being there. It’s like all the stress and my thoughts just dissipated. Needless to say I was hooked.
to be continued…

[Dunc]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[p]

Hi there and welcome to GT
Its so wonderful you have posted this new journal. Congratulations on taking this step and reaching out for help. This is where you will find it. Also things like GA and counselling, banning from venues and carrying little cash all helps as well.
It is hard to ask for help sometimes and you have done it, glad you are sharing your story with us. We are all here trying to live a gamble free life. Some do it from day one some do it like myself over a long period of falling down and getting back up.
I have made recovery the number one in my life, it has to be for me and if that is there then everything else seems to follow.
Recovery from this addiction is possible I’ve seen it here, though i am not the greatest example i would like to say i understand what you are going through. I could not believe i got hooked on machines. I just could not comprehend it for a long time. I learnt through the progression and the pain of this addiction that yes i am a compulsive gambler. When i have urges i wait them out, i start doing something else straight away, and get my mind involved in something that will take my thinking out of that obsession. Ga is very helpful and supportive too and its great to go into a room full of people going through and have been through what we have.
keep posting, hang on to recovery, put the effort into your recovery that you would into gambling. Its a terrible addiction that ruins lives. You have come to the right place and glad you are on board here too. Its been a lifesaver for me here sometimes. Try talking to the one on one advisors they have a way of helping you unscramble your head some days.
Most of all, don’t give up. If you fall down get back up. Try to take it one day at a time, just try to be gamble free for today and not worry too much about tomorrow. Im excited to see another new member here and hope to see more of your posts

P

[trinitysky]

After that night out at the casino my boyfriend and I started going quite a bit. He liked to gamble too, just not at the level I was starting to like it.
Over time I started going more and more. Any time my boyfriend was at one of his softball games, or golf league, working, or hunting I went. I tried to go by myself as much as I could to keep him from find out how much money I was spending. I then, of course, lied about what I had done while he was gone.
The most shameful part of this whole story is that soon after I started taking money from my employers to cover my addiction. For the life of me I cant even begin to understand what made me come up with the idea. I consider myself to be a pretty honest person. I have never taken from anyone before and would never have considered in any other situation. I just couldn’t control the urge to go gamble. I tried. I truly tried. I would wake up every morning and tell myself “today is the day, the day I stop gambling and most importantly stop taking what isn’t mine”. Then as the day would progress I would get weaker. I would tell myself, this is the last time. I will win enough to pay back what I took and I wont be a coward about it. I’ll win the money back and go to my employer and tell them what I’ve done. Every time I took the money I said this to myself. I kept reassuring myself that I would make this right. But the truth is no one ever wins. Not really, not in my kind of situation.
Now I was dealing with the stress of my personal life and the gambling stress. So instead of taking the pressure off like I had thought that night at the casino, it added to it. It, of course, was too late at this point. After about 7 months of taking money, gambling it away, and lying I just couldn’t take it any more. I quit my job. I thought if I pulled myself away from the source of cash that I could get a better grip on things. And I did, for a bit. I started working for a friend who, go figure, liked to gamble. We stopped a few times after work at the casino.
Then, I got news that my last employer was having me investigated. I was horrified. I knew there was a possibility that this would happen, I actually knew it was inevitable but some how it still surprised me. To make this part, the worst part of my story, a bit shorter I’ll sum it up. I got a call from a detective and met with him. Told him the truth, a month later I was in jail. I got out the next day (the worst night of my life), and I am still caught up in a legal battle.
The horrible fact in all of this is that I’ve hurt a lot of people. This wasn’t something that I did that just hurt me. That’s the most unbearable fact of all. I am facing losing everything I care about and cherish, and perhaps I deserve to.
The one good thing out of all of this is I haven’t gambled in months. I have no desire what so ever to step foot in a casino. I know they say you never cure an addiction and it doesn’t just go away but anger and fear of losing it all is a pretty good motivator.

[monique]

Hello. It’s good to read your story. Writing it all down is often very useful in itself and offering it to others for them to read as you have done here, can be helpful too. It helps to focus your thoughts on what is most important.

It is sad that something that starts out as a bit of escapism becomes quite the opposite – something that feels like a trap. But you are not alone and others here will understand what you are going through and identify with your experiences.
It must be very difficult going through the legal proceedings and that night in jail has obviously affected you deeply.

Try not to fret too much about how it will all work out – I know that is easier said than done. Focus on having a gambling- free future and that is made possible by working hard to make sure today is a gambling-free day. One Day At A Time is the way forward.

I do wish you courage and strength.

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[trinitysky]

Monique,
you are correct in saying it’s difficult. At times I struggle with even thinking about the future. I sometimes feel like I may not have one. A real one that is. This whole ordeal has threatened the way of life I’ve become accustomed to. It is threatening every relationship that I hold dear, but my faith has only gotten stronger. In all of this mess I have truly found faith and strength in a higher power.
Thank you for the encouragement and well wishes. I’ll keep you updated.

[monique]

Hello again
I saw this on a building in a city near me – “The time is now and now is sacred.” I thought it was beautiful and very meaningful, so I often think about it.

You do have a future, but of course it is frightening for you to contemplate it when you think of how it might not be like you once expected and you feel you have lost the trust of important people in your life. But you have this moment. Live from moment to moment, concentrating on what is most important for your true health and well-being. You do not know what the future will be like but each good, well-spent moment leads into a better time ahead.

Continuing to think of you.

Monique

[p]

Hello again
I think that you are going well, you are very brave and just take it day by day or hour by hour whatever you have to do to deal with what you are going through. This has brought you to a place where you don’t want to gamble anymore, this is perhaps your rock bottom. The serenity prayer helps me a lot ” god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference”
Glad you are still posting trinity, keep at it, better times will come

P

[trinitysky]

It’s amazing how (as mentioned by P) hitting your rock bottom can make you question every bit of your existence. I know in this moment that I am stronger than I have ever been and I know that no matter how this whole situation turns out, I’ll be ok. I truly feel like this is where I was meant to be at this point in my life. This whole experience was meant to open my eyes, I used to be so judgmental towards everyone when it came to addictions. I always thought that if you truly wanted to quit something then you should just be able to quit. Just like that. I know now that it doesn’t really work that way.
I have always felt sort of disconnected from the world. Like maybe I don’t belong here. I feel right now, in this moment that I do have a purpose, I may not know what that is and I may still struggle with the feeling of not belonging but I know at the end of this I’ll find that purpose.
I wish you all luck and hope through my journey I can some how help someone from making the mistakes I have.
We are all stronger than this, we can all beat this..

[p]

Hi again Trinity

What a positive post about recovery.. amazing. You are doing so well and it is good you are continuing to post your thoughts and feelings, it really does help. I now use every thing i can to help myself even on days that i feel safe. Well done. I am of the same thought that this experience has brought us to this point in our lives. Addiction teaches us many lessons. Some really big ones. Good can come out of something really terrible. ??

P

[trinitysky]

I’m trying, truly. My biggest struggle is in not having control over my life. I truly hate that feeling more than any other.

[trinitysky]

I’m having an ok day today.. I’ve always had an overactive mind and today it’s on overdrive. One day at a time is becoming my new motto but it’s a tough one to live by.

[charles]

Hi Trinity,

The more positive actions you take the less out of control you will feel. take things a day at a time. The Topic group today was on Patience, be patient with your recovery. One day at a time.

[janey1]

Great to see you in group today. I just wanted to reiterate that you deserve to be supported, comforted and happy.

It’s ok not to be in control of everything, in fact it’s pretty darn impossible to BE in control of everything…so why waste your energy trying?

Come back soon
Janey

[trinitysky]

I’m trying to work on the “in control” issue. I never thought about what I deserve. I guess I figured I got myself here, I did this and whatever happens because of it is what I deserve.
I’m a work in progress…

[monique]

Hi Trinity
It is easy to get into a self-blaming way of thinking and not always so easy to change to a more self-caring one. But self-blame can lead to a sense of shame and unworthiness which will not help in the long run. Past decisions have their consequences, some of them painful, but you need strength and courage to deal positively with those, so try not to let your energy get sapped away with negative thoughts about yourself. You have made a decision to be free of gambling and that is a powerful choice and something to be proud of, as is every day you maintain that new way of life. Stick close to all the support you need too.

Best wishes,

Monique

[trinitysky]

I’ve been searching for a job… well since I quit my last one and it’s been a tough time. I’m learning now just how difficult it’s going to be once this mess goes on my record. The chain of events that this addiction has put into motion makes me ill. The fall out of it all is actually worse than going through the addiction. I’m an extremely hard worker, reliable, dependable, I always give 110%, and I’m very intelligent but all anyone is going to see any more is that I took from someone who trusted me.
Where does one truly go from here? What kind of a future can someone really hope for after all of this?
I went to fill out an app today at a long term care facility and got interviewed on the spot, which I nailed! They offered me the job right then, so of course I was excited…. then I had to fill out the paperwork, they do a fingerprint background check. Normally these would have been the kind of papers I signed without even reading them because I have NEVER been in trouble before. Today, however, I read every word. Needless to say, when they do the background check and my arrest shows up they wont be so excited about hiring me.
I’m so frustrated right now, another sleepless night is definitely in store.
I have so much left in me to offer and I refuse to except that this is going to be the story of my life. I have to find a job and I would really like two, the quicker I can pay back what wasn’t mine the better I think I’ll feel and the quicker I’ll be able to move on but this task is proving impossible.
If something doesn’t give soon I think I’ll go insane!

[monique]

Hi Trinity
It IS very challenging getting back into work and the ‘system’ can make us very angry, if we are really trying our best. But try not to use up your precious energy being angry and frustrated – if possible, keep focussing all your energy into building a new reputation and a new record.
Is anyone able to help you clarify your employment rights also? I’m not an expert on this, but I do know that people CAN rebuild a career life after the kinds of things you have described. Try to focus calmly on what is needed if problems arise with this new position. I hope you can get started and begin to prove yourself again.
My very best wishes,

Monique

[charles]

Hi Trinity, sorry I had a connection problem and missed you. If you are still around to reconnect to the group I am there now.

[trinitysky]

Going to my first g.a. meeting tonight. A little apprehensive about it all but I know I need to go, and I will.
I go tomorrow to get fingerprinted for my background check… really nervous about that. I’m afraid my arrest will show up and the humiliation that will follow being told I can’t have the job. Some how I have got to find the strength to push forward and to stop letting these negative thoughts creep in.
I am more determined than ever to come out of all of this stronger, smarter and more successful but it’s proving to be an incredible challenge. I have desperately been searching for someone who has been in the same situation… to no avail of course.

[trinitysky]

Went to g.a. last night and I have to say I am sooooo relieved. I got myself all worked up about going for no reason. I actually think it helped. I met someone there who has gone through a similar situation and just hearing his story made me feel like maybe I’m not the monster I keep making myself out to be. Things can definitely get better from here.
I also went and did the whole fingerprinting, as much as I’m afraid of facing more humiliation I know that the worst thing they can say is no. Fingers crossed that they don’t but if they do I’ll just keep pushing forward.

[monique]

Glad to hear that GA was useful and a relief for you. You are not a monster, of course! I wish you everything good as you continue through this process regarding the new job.

Monique

[trinitysky]

thank you so much Monique… I’m trying to keep my head up, good days and bad. I’m waiting for the day that the good days out weigh the bad. I guess we all are

[p]

Well done Trinity

That is fantastic that you went to GA.. another huge step toward helping yourself. It’s so good to be among people who understand and want a better life too

P

[trinitysky]

Well I should find out between today and tomorrow if I still have the job. I woke up with nots in my stomach today. I truly hate that feeling. I went through months of waking up like that. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually wake up and not have to worry about these things.
On a positive note I still haven’t gambled at all. It’s been almost three months since my stop date. It’s so hard to understand the grip of gambling once you get away from it for so long. I can’t make any sense of the past year. I really don’t know the person I was. I’m getting back to who I was before all of this happened. It’s definitely tough, with everything that has been going on, to truly get yourself back and I’m praying that one day I will. I’m not really sure how you go through all that we go through and still manage to come out the other side whole and unashamed.
Hopefully one day I’ll have the answer…

[trinitysky]

I woke up this morning feeling so worried and apprehensive about everything and in this moment I’ve never been more optimistic.
Thank you to Charles for our discussion in group today. Everyone on this site has been so amazing. The day I become the successful business owner I’ve always dreamed of I plan on donating every penny I can. You are all wonderful beings.
What, might you ask, turned my day around. Well I was sitting here reading the forum post by Charles labeled Just For Today, worrying about my orientation tomorrow and my background check. Worrying that I would again be jobless just as I thought I had found a job. My phone rings… its a company I worked for in the past and they have an assistant manager job opening. I know I can nail this interview. Retail is what I do best! The great thing is this company has amazing benefits and plenty of room to grow.
I’ve learned that no matter what your religous beliefs are you should never give up faith. When you least expect it miracles do happen.
If you need proof just ask me. I have had so many little “gifts” given to me these past few months. The biggest being that I am FREE at home for all the holidays when I could be sitting in jail wishing I was.

Together, we are a force to be reckoned with!

[p]

Hi Trinity
You sound so positive, I am so happy to see your post and congratulations on being gamble free for 3 months, that is wonderful. it is amazing isn’t it when we are out of the addictive phase and look back and it is really unfathomable i find. Though that addiction is not cured, it lurks there waiting for our weak moments.. I am wishing you all the best for this new job Trinity. Well done on your attitude and your recovery so far

P

[trinitysky]

I hear that there is no cure for this addiction and I hear it a lot. I do believe that it is always lurking but I also know there is a way to beat it….. and I believe I’ve found the way that works for me.
The key is to find something more powerful than the addiction. Preferably we find it before hitting bottom and doing something horrible like I did. We need to find that thing that truly makes life worth it. Personally that thing for me is the future. All of the things I want to do in life, all the dreams I have that I have come so close to losing. I think we should always chase our dreams and develop new ones. This is what motivates me to stay away from gambling. The bonus for me is that slot machines are my weakness and in order to play them you actually have to step foot in a casino. I drive by them often seeing as how there is one 15 minutes from my house and another 5 within an hour or less away, I’m never tempted to pull in because I know what I have to lose. I remind myself of my goals and I picture my life without ever achieving any of them. This is stronger than the addiction. I AM STRONGER THAN THE addiction. I’ve never been an online gambler, into the lottery, or dealt with bookies. These are not weaknesses of mine so I don’t worry about them. I think I was more so addicted to the atmosphere than the actual gambling. Maybe I’m fortunate in that aspect.
Fortunate.. a funny word considering the circumstances.
I will forever remember the low point I found myself at, this journal and the meetings are sure to help with that and any time I might be foolish enough to think I can manage my addiction and gamble a bit I will remember how horrible I felt. I will remember the look of disappointment on the faces of those I love, I will remember actually considering taking my own life and how scared that made me, but most of all I will remember the complete and udder loss of all control over my own life.

[monique]

Great post, Trinity. I am glad you are able to find the positive aspects of your experiences and hope that makes you strong for the future.
All good wishes,

Monique

[trinitysky]

Well I wen’t from the most positive I’ve been in a long time to being at a new low. I wen’t to orientation today for the new job. The whole time I spent praying that nothing came up on my background check. Finally after 8 hours there I figured I was in the clear. So orientation ends and we are starting to leave when my department heads says to us “I still have to check references, but I don’t expect any problems there”. Now this was something I didn’t think would be a problem because I was hired. I had figured they’d done all that they needed to or they wouldn’t have wasted the time and money of training me. I’m worried about this obviously because of what my ex employer could and probably will say about me.
I’m so frustrated right now. I’ve been having those thoughts again, the thoughts of where do I really go from here. Do I really have a chance at a normal life. How will I ever pay all the money back if I can’t find a job. And as horrible as it is to admit I’ve once again entertained the thoughts of just ending it. I of course never would, at least I don’t think, but I’ve backed myself into a corner where it seems there is no escape. The ceiling and floor are crushing me.
It wouldn’t be so bad if this were my first rejection but I’ve been filling out apps for months.
After I got home today my phone rang and I know the number was the new job. I was so scared of what my ex employer had told them that fear kept me from answering the phone. They didn’t leave a message so now I have to wait two days and stress about all of this.
I know we can’t control everything and I shouldn’t get myself so worked up but every time it seems I get a little bit of a break I end up getting shot down even harder.
UGH!!!!!

[desdemona]

Hi Trinitysky! I sincerely hope that you can find work soon, and start repaying your past employer. That plus the fact that you are gamble free and attending meetings, will bode well when you finally go to court. Courts are seeing more and more cases of compulsive gamblers embezzling money to feed their addiction. There was a gal I met through another gambling recovery site that was sure that she was going to be sentenced to jail time as she had embezzled a LOT of money from her employer. She had built a nice gamble free life since she had been charged, and was afraid she would lose her job, apartment, freedom, etc if she went to jail. The judge in her case recognized that jail time would serve no purpose for her as she was addressing her addiction, and she did not go to jail. I live in Alberta, Canada and have to say that the CEO of the alcohol and drug commission here embezzled money from that organization to gamble, so it’s not an uncommon thing for cgs to do. It doesn’t make it right but it makes it understandable. I would suggest that you keep doing what you’re doing so that you can have your progress to present to the court, and hope and pray that you have an enlightened judge. One day at a time, and you will find a job. Just keep looking! Carole

[trinitysky]

Had my first day at the new job today, I have to say it was one of the most nerve wracking and stressful days yet. I really don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep this up. My hat goes off to any of you that have faced the fall out of your addiction and stuck it out long enough to turn your life around. The stress, nerves, and ups and downs of it all are so exhausting and overwhelming. When does it end. When do I get a little relief.
I’m so worried about being “outed” about my arrest at work that I cant just focus on the job. I truly hate this

[desdemona]

Sorry (((trinitysky))) that you’re having the stress of not knowing whether you’re going to be outed for your arrest. What job did you take? I can understand why you feel that the sky could fall down on you at any moment. Try to relax as much as you can, as worrying will not change anything at all. Wishing you the best and hoping that things go in your favor. Carole

[monique]

Hi Trinity
I am so glad you have been able to start the job, although sorry that you feel so stressed. Do you say the Serenity Prayer? – it can be useful to help you centre in the here and now and on what is possible rather than on the things outside your control.
It must feel horrible worrying about being ‘outed’ as you say, but today I hope you can find the focus just to do the job moment by moment to the best of your ability. We cannot tell you how or when it will feel different, but I think if you can live in the moment, it should be a little easier – and, maybe the job will go really well and become a part of you putting the past behind you. I don’t want that to sound glib – I do recognize it is not easy; but try to hold on to hopeful thoughts as much as you can.
We all want you to have a good future.
All good wishes,

Monique

[trinitysky]

I’m a little more relaxed today about the situation although it could be because I have a whole new set of issues. I think maybe after a few days at the new job I’ll be a little more comfortable.
The job I took was in housekeeping at a long term rehabilitation facility. I love the work and you get to be around older folks which are my favorite kind! Because it is in healthcare they are very strict when it comes to backgrounds and such. I’m just thankful to have made it this far. I thought for sure when they ran my background I would have been booted.
I also got offered another job as a part time manager at a retail chain. If I can pass the background check for that job I’ll be ecstatic! Two jobs means I can really start and make things right.
I’ll keep praying and sticking to one day at a time..

[p]

Hi Trinity, congratulations on your job that is really fantastic, i can see you are trying so hard to make things right and with your determination you can succeed at this. Keep up that fighting spirit and you will slowly rebuild your life again. I am sending you good thoughts and hope for you that your situation just improves and improves, keep posting…

P

[trinitysky]

Thanks everyone, it’s definitely a tough fight. I went to my second g.a. meeting last night. Attendance was a little lacking but there was a member there that I hadn’t met yet. . . He was a defense attorney in the area. This disease really does affect people from all walks of life.
My boyfriends parents are back in town for the holidays. They of course have no idea what has been going on. I may have already explained this but they own a restaurant right next door to the place that I used to work. This is how my boyfriend and I met. His parents rent the building from my ex employer. I’m so terrified right now that my old boss will tell his parents, not for my sake but for his. He’s been so stressed since they’ve been home. I know he’s afraid of what will happen if they find out. They had promised him the restaurant in another couple of years and with this whole situation adding tensions he’s afraid that wont happen. I’ve already cost him so much I just pray, at least for now, that they don’t find out.
I have to wonder when it is that the hits are going to stop coming. This is the first time that the holidays really don’t feel like holidays to me. We have been struggling so much because of me not working that there’s no way we can afford gifts. Our tree is up but it’s so depressing without gifts under it. My mother and my grandmother are currently both in the hospital and I wonder if either of them will even be around this Christmas.

[trinitysky]

This disease is destroying everything that means anything to me. The worst thing I had imagined is about to happen. As I mentioned my boyfriends family is in town and today he overheard them asking a friend of ours if they had heard anything about me. My boyfriend feels like they know something and he’s going to talk with them. He’s decided that it’s best if he does it alone. I honestly don’t think he’s strong enough to stand by me through this… and that just about kills me.
When all of this first started and I had to come clean with him he was so supportive. He said that everything would be ok, that this is a disease and people make mistakes. He said he would leave me over this and we’d make it through it together but the more this drags on the more angry and negative he becomes. I love him so much and I believe he loves me but sometimes love just isn’t enough. It just might kill me if I truly lose everything. He’s about the only thing keeping me sane these days.
I just feel as though the whole world is crumbling down around me and there’s no way out.
Only positive note in all of this is that I still haven’t gambled…

[monique]

Great – you have not gambled. Hang on to that. It is vital. You are aware that gambling has been the cause of trouble and distress and will not bring you any good. Stay strong about that and try to keep hope, moment by moment, day by day.
We cannot tell how the future will evolve or how other people will react, but do concentrate on keeping yourself on the right path.
I think your boyfriend’s family will be mainly concerned with his well-being and probably won’t be able to empathize with you, so try not to expect that they will be understanding. They may not have any understanding of addiction and they will only see the pain it causes their son (brother etc). Also, your boyfriend has wanted to help you, but may be feeling overwhelmed by things and this will perhaps explain his negativity and anger. Has he had any professional help? Does he know about the support for Family and Friends? Each person touched by the addiction has to find their own way forward.
I hope this does not sound too tough – I have really seen the pain you have been feeling and your need for support. The gambler and the F&F have different perspectives and usually need separate help to move forward. I hope this makes sense.
I really hope things work out better than you fear.
Keep posting.

Best wishes,

Monique

[trinitysky]

Today has been a better day. My birth certificate will be delivered tomorrow. A lot sooner than I thought which means I can hopefully start work this week. I got a lot accomplished today, small things but they needed to get done. Staying busy definitely helps keep my mind off all my troubles.
This month seems to just be flying by. I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas! My next court date will be here before I know it. I’m truly not so worried about it. I feel like I’ve done as much as I can at this point. I’ve been going to my G.A. meetings, I found a job and possibly a second, and I log in here as much as I can for additional support. I haven’t been gambling at all, completely cut that out of my life.
I’m continuing to struggle with the things I can’t control, like my boyfriends parents and the way that whole situation might turn out. In fact I think at this very moment he is discussing it with them so I guess it’s really out of my hands now.
I’ll update ya’ll later.

[monique]

That is a good update to read. I am glad it was a better day and that you are not getting so anxious about all the things that are outside your control, whilst getting on with the things you can do. Looking forward to reading more of your news – hopefully it will be good, but we want to hear from you anyway, whether it’s a down day or an up!

Monique

[trinitysky]

The worst has happened.. My boyfriend came home last night after talking with his parents and he asked me to move out. He’s afraid of what will happen to his parents business if he stays with me. He’s afraid of what everyone will say and that they’ll all be looking down on us all the time. He’s worried that we’ll be struggling to get by because of all the money I have to pay back. God, I can’t lose him. He’s all I have left and the only thing in this life that truly means anything to me. I know I can fix this, I know I can make this right and pay everything back without hurting his finances. I just am afraid he will give up before I can try. I see it in his face, he’s moving on, pushing me away. What do I do? Tell me someone has gone through this and some how managed to hold onto the one they love. God help me!

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! I’m so sorry that your boyfriend is not going to stand by you and support you. Perhaps when he has had some time to think about it, he may change his mind. His parents’ focus will be on their son as someone so eloquently said previously, so their reaction isn’t surprising. You are under a tremendous amount of stress right now, and staying the path for your recovery has to be your priority. You need to stay clear thinking so that you handle your next court date with clarity and honesty. I am really hoping that you get to keep your job, and your recovery and job can be building blocks to start a new life with less stress. Take each day moment by moment and try to worry as little as you can. Someone suggested the serenity prayer and perhaps picturing God of your understanding being a big eagle and sheltering you under his wing can be helpful. I really feel for you (((trinitysky))) and am hoping that good things start happening in your life. If your boyfriend chooses not to stand by you, perhaps he isn’t the man you think he is. Carole

[trinitysky]

Carole,
I know you are probably right.. I know I need to stay focus and clear headed it’s just so hard right now. I’ve lost everything to this. A disease, a mistake has managed to destroy everything. He (my boyfriend) is an amazing guy. The best I’ve ever known and I know he loves me and I know deep down he wants this to work. I just think he is so scared about the future and his parents have pumped him so full of negativity that I don’t stand a chance. I have to believer there is hope. I have to believe that he just needs this time to think and sort his thoughts and he’ll come back to me. He’s my world…

[charles]

Hi Trinity. I certainly know many people who have been through what you are going through and their relationship has survived. I also know many cases where that isn’t the case, where the opposite is true.

You are working recovery. it is important you are working that recovery for YOU. By doing so you will be showing those around you are determined you are to fight this tough addiction. You will be showing them how strong you are and mean what you say. That you are better than the impression they may currently have of you.

Will that be enough to get your boyfriend back? Unfortunately no one can answer that right now, it’s something that you nor anyone else can control. Even your boyfriend can’t honestly answer that question right now as he, like the rest of us, can’t predict how he will feel in the future.

So best case scenario? The dream scenario? You impress him with your recovery and win him back. Stay focussed on your recovery though and worst case scenario is that you will move forward. Have a gamble free life, work recovery and be better placed to have future relationships. Not that that is what you want to hear right now. Relationships and break ups are part of life unfortunbately, for CGs and of course everyone else. Who knows maybe your b/f will want you back but you won’t want to return to someone who hasn’t stuck by you now.

To cut it short, none of us can tell what will happen in the future. Whatever your future holds you will be better placed to deal with it but focusing on NOW.

Stay strong, one day at a time.

[trinitysky]

These past three days have been the hardest days of all. I do however, feel a little better right now, in this moment. I have talked my boyfriends head off and we have come to some what of an agreement. We both want this to work. He’s not ready to give up he just needs time and space. I’m going to move for a while, not sure where to or for how long, but I know in my heart I’ll be coming back home at some point. I hope..
I go back to work tomorrow to finish my training. At least thats a positive note. Another positive note I’m still gamble free.
I’m so fearful of how this will turn out. I haven’t cried this much since my grandfather died. I will fix this. I will complete this recovery and I will come out better at the other end. I have to…

[monique]

So glad you are gambling free – a vital part of your story. I am also glad you and your boyfriend are able to talk and decide things. You have done really well, there.
I also agree so much with Charles’ post. Keep all those important ideas in your mind, too.
Always wishing you well on your journey.

Monique

[trinitysky]

Well another g.a. meeting last night. By the time I had gotten there I had been crying for four days straight, hadn’t eaten in that time, and talked everyones head off. This whole situation has been so hard. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as hard as it may be to accept I can’t control everything and I definitely can’t control anyone. The decision to stay with me or throw in the towel is my boyfriends decision to make. I guess I should probably stop referring to him as my boyfriend until I know what he’s chosen. I know I have a lot left in me to offer. I know I have a great future ahead of me and all those possibilities are still there, they’re just going to take more time to get to. I know my self worth and I wont let this addiction define me. At the very core of me, I’m not a bad person. I’m capable of so many things. As bad as I want my relationship to work, as much as I love him, and as much as I hate myself for this I know that I can and will get through this. I just hope he doesn’t let everyone else control his life forever.
Like a woman at my g.a. meeting put it last night,” if he isn’t willing to stand by you now when you need him most. If he isn’t willing to stick up for you, to push all the worries from his mind to help you in the here and now, and really prove that he loves you then maybe he isn’t the guy you keep telling us he is.” Now of course I know all of this it’s just the pain, the feeling of loss, and being forced to give up something that means so much to you is so overwhelming. He came home last night and told me he closed our joint banking account. Now, we had talked about doing this months ago to protect him because we weren’t sure if they would go after our account knowing my name was on it. It hurt more than I thought. I think because he never even gave me a warning, just did it. I feel like he’s completely erasing any sign of me from him. I almost expected to walk in the door from my meeting and to see all of our pictures off the walls and my bags packed for me. I think I’m swiftly moving from the pain and grieving phase to the angry one. This all just makes me so angry at myself, my situation, my old boss for not at least trying to understand, my boyfriend (gotta find another name for him), and his family. The last thing I want is to be angry especially at him but I can’t help it. How can you tell me for almost three years that you love me, I’m your world, and so on and then be so willing to just throw it away because it isn’t easy. UGHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream and throw things. I’m afraid this is going to make me a bitter angry person. I definitely don’t want that.
I’m scared for him, I afraid that if he gives up now he’ll be giving up the rest of his life on things worth fighting for. He deserves to be happy but if he doesn’t stand up for anything then he never will be.
I just have so much running through my head right now. I’m so stressed out I feel like I’m constantly having a heart attack. The day all of this is over I don’t know how I’ll make it. How do you go from stress and the living the end of the world every day to just having a “normal” day. One without the constant knots and doubt. Hopefully I find out soon ??

[trinitysky]

I almost forgot to mention that I’m still very much GAMBLE FREE!! Yesterday was officially the three month mark for me

[desdemona]

Wow (((trinitysky)))! Three months gamble free is a huge accomplishment! You say you are scared for your boyfriend, that he may go through life not fighting for worthwhile things. Sweet girl, that is not your responsibility as to whether he allows others to dictate his actions for him. You are only responsible for yourself and your actions. I know that him closing your joint account hurts, but it probably isn’t a personal attack on you, even though that’s the way you feel. He is doing what he needs to do to protect himself, which is something you talked about, and agreed to. You have every right to your feelings of anger, especially because it has been a long-term relationship, and you had the expectation that he would be there for you no matter what. They say actions speak louder than words. Feel your anger and express it in a healthy way. I know you love him but I have to agree with the lady at the GA meeting, that if he can’t support you emotionally when you need him the most, perhaps he isn’t the right guy for you. Do you even want someone who lets his family control him?? As you grow in recovery, you will see and realize things about friends and loved ones, that you were either unable to see or refused to acknowledge due to being ill from compulsive gambling. Try to live in today, and try to focus on anything that is positive. Perhaps write down positive things about yourself and the day, and focus on those things. I totally understand that you are feeling like you are having a heart attack due to all the stress you are under, not knowing what the future holds for you, court-wise, employment-wise, or relationship- wise. I’ve had my heart totally shattered a couple of times, but time and talking about it heals the pain. Just know that your life won’t always be this stressful. This too shall pass! Sending you a hug (((trinitysky))). Carole

[trinitysky]

Woke up really struggling today. If my first check comes in tomorrow I’m supposed to move out. I just cant seem to wrap my head around all of this. Yesterday I seemed so much more relaxed. I felt like this would all turn around, my boyfriend would realize we would be fine and his parents would get over it but today…. well today isn’t going so well. I woke up with all the knots in my stomach again, hating myself for doing this, for allowing this all to happen. How did I ever let it happen? Why didn’t I ask for help? Why didn’t I feel I could tell him I had a problem? Now, because I was so blind and stupid about this all, I have to lose everything. EVERYTHING that means anything to me. Everyone keeps telling me, “he loves you so much, we can all see it and we just know he’s going to change his mind” “his parents will end up pushing him away and he’ll realize that those fears for the future he has isn’t as big of a deal as living without you” I’m just not so sure. I know I can’t make up his mind for him and I really shouldn’t worry about the things I can’t change, as the serenity prayer puts it. But honestly who can actually just sit back and not worry because they know there’s nothing they can do. I’m so hurt and angry, and I’m becoming more and more angry by the minute.

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! You were not blind and stupid. Your addiction blinded you and you made decisions that were as a result of being so ill emotionally with a gambling addiction. Addictions thrive in secrecy and we lie to keep our addiction going because the addiction is so strong and compulsive. Your friends that are telling you that they can see that he loves you so much and that he will change his mind, are telling you these things because they want to give you hope, and I’m sure their intentions are good. The truth of the matter is that no one knows what is going to happen in your situation with your boyfriend. I know you don’t want to hear that and I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I really am sorry! But I have to say that anyone who will make you move out a few days before Christmas, if you get your cheque, doesn’t sound like someone who in the future will support and stand by you. You don’t even know if you’re going to have continued employment and he wants you to move after 3 years of being together. A restaurant’s reputation that he may get in the future is more important than you?? Is this the man that would stand by you if you were diagnosed with cancer or involved in a motor vehicle accident that left you disabled? He seems to be thinking only of himself and his future, and not supporting you in your recovery. There are better days ahead for you though I know you can’t envision that now. Even though worry changes nothing, it would be impossible for a person not to worry in your situation. But just do the best that you can in today, and try and relax when you can. I care what happens to you. Carole

[trinitysky]

Thank you Carole, I always look forward to your posts… even when they contain things I’d rather not hear. I’m just so tired of hurting, of being let down, and feeling abandoned. I truly just want a little peace and happiness in my life, why does it seem like those are too much to expect? I know that life is hard, nothing worth having is ever easy but enough is enough. I sure hope you are right about the better days ahead but I swear every time I think I’m at the better days point in my life something comes up and I get knocked back into that rabbit whole I’m always referring to. I feel myself becoming so bitter from all of this and that truly is the last thing I want. How do I find it in me to fight the urge to give into the bitterness and still battle this war I’ve found myself in? So many questions so few answers…

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! If you work on recovering from your gambling addiction, things will eventually fall into place for you. Compulsive gamblers are often not the most patient people and often things need time to work themselves out. I believe that better days are ahead but it probably will take time. One day at a time and you’ll get there. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! I was wondering how you were doing. I’m thinking about you and hoping you have something good happen in your life. Carole

[trinitysky]

thank you for asking, not doing so well actually. Tomorrows Christmas and although I’m still living with the ex I guess is what I will have to resort to calling him, it just doesn’t feel right. I’m going to be here, in this house that we picked out together, alone… on Christmas of all days. I don’t feel any more secure in his “we’re going to try and work this out, I haven’t given up yet” promises. I truly can say I’ve never been this heartbroken before in my life and I’ve been through a lot. I’ve never hurt this much before. Everyone keeps telling me to cut my losses, focus on me, that great things are sure to happen for me but the pain of all of this is so blinding all I see is me losing everything and having to start from the bottom all over again. Thinking about just taking a couple of p.m. pills and sleeping the day away tomorrow..

[monique]

No one can predict how things will work out and life can seem very bleak at a time like you are experiencing. I can only say hold on to what is good for you right now, keep in touch with those who can support you and try not to think too far ahead. I really hope you can have a peaceful time this Christmas.
Monique

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! I’m assuming that your boyfriend is spending Christmas with his family. Like I said before, actions speak louder than words. Do you have any family and friends you could spend Christmas Day with?? I’m going to be alone tomorrow myself as I am too ill with a cold to drive to where my family is. I wouldn’t suggest that you sleep the day away but that’s just me. Try and be kind to yourself and make yourself a meal you enjoy, and do something that gives you pleasure. Try to make the best of your day, and count whatever you see as blessings in your life, even though your life is so rough right now. I’m thinking of you (((trinitysky)))! Carole

[desdemona]

Thinking of you today (((trinitysky)))! Hope you have a Merry Christmas in spite of your situation today. Carole

[icandothis]

Trinitysky, Sending you hugs and prayers. You have been through so much. You have been through so much. You have shown such honesty, strength, and courage in your recovery. You have an addiction that you did not ask for and it brought you down to rock bottom, but you are bringing yourself back up again. It is obvious to all of us what an incredible young woman you are. You are not alone. We are all here for you!

[trinitysky]

Thank you so much everyone, I haven’t been on here because to be honest I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think any more. I’m so tired. My heart is breaking and I don’t know really how to deal with any thing that is going on.
My Christmas was horrible. I spent all day at “our” house alone. Eventually the pain got the best of me and I took a couple of pills to sleep the day away. I will be moving next weekend, I can’t even think about that right now. The pain is unbearable. To think I could be losing everything I hold dear is an uncontrollable pain. I know that he loves me and I love him so much I just hope he decides in the end that it is enough. Right now I know how much pressure he is under and how stressful all of this is. I know how my addiction has affected him and those around him. And I pray every day that they will all find it in them to forgive me. I know I still have so much to offer and this experience has taught me so much. I’m just not ready to give up on this relationship.

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! I’m so glad you posted even though you say you don’t know what to say. We all at times have to do what we need to do to get through some days. For you it was sleeping. Far better to sleep than gamble. I thought about you yesterday and am really hoping that something good happens for you, whatever that will be. Carole

[icandothis]

Trinity, I have written and deleted so many times. Relationships are very complicated, so I think at this time, it is best I don’t say anything. I am just glad that you are alright. Please continue to keep recovery your priority. One day at a time.

[monique]

Hi Trinity, how are you today? I am sorry you felt so low and hope you can find the courage to get through. It is good to express those sad and hopeless feelings and to know that people hear and are thinking of you – I hope that helps a bit. As icandothis has just said above, relationships are complicated, so it is not always easy for others to know what to do or say. But you are important in yourself, whatever happens in that relationship. Your sense of loss may feel overwhelming right now and there is such pain in your uncertainty about the future, but what can you do or think just today, just this moment that will help you through?
Keep in touch – even when you feel you have nothing to say, you do have something to express and that will be heard and cared about.
With my good wishes,

Monique

[trinitysky]

I feel a little more hopeful today. I’m still scared to death about what the future may hold for me and terrified that my boyfriend may not be factored into it.The negative thoughts and fears keep trying to take over. I just keeping telling myself to keep the faith. Believe that God will provide and that he hears my prayers. I had a perfect example of that today.
Just a month ago I was unemployed. Things seemed completely hopeless. I filled out thousands of applications and couldn’t even get a call back. I just kept praying “Lord please bless me with a job, preferably two”. I prayed and prayed and prayed for this. Then I got the cleaning job, that same week I got a call about another job which I was given pending my background check. I started working this cleaning gig and a woman I work with told me about her second job. She said they are looking for another full time person and she could get me the job if I wanted it. Then just today I got a call about another interview. The Lord works is such strange ways. I’ve always been told “ask and ye shall receive” I’m clinging to that right now. I’ve never prayed so much in my life.
I still have no desire to gamble, if anything that is the one good thing that has come out of this. Even at my lowest and most stressed I still don’t think about going to the casino. In the past that would have been the first thing on my mind. I only wish I had learned everything I have before I ever developed this addiction, before it ever got this far. Before all of this I always said if I had one do over, the chance to go back in time and change one thing I would go back to day before my grandfather past. He was in the hospital a day away from coming home and he was on the phone with my grandmother. She asked if I wanted to speak to him (he and I were very close) and I said no I’ll see him tomorrow. Well he died that night. I never got to say goodbye. It haunts me to this day. Now, if I ask myself that same question my answer has changed. I would go back to the first time I ever went to the casino alone. That’s where it all began. After that first time there alone I decided going alone wasn’t all that bad and any time I got the urge I went. If I could go back to any point in my life it would be that one. Then none of this would have happened. I would still have my job, the friendship with the owners that I truly cherished, my security, I wouldn’t be worried about losing my freedom, I wouldn’t be losing my boyfriend and the future we planned together. Amazing how one decision can truly impact the rest of your life. It’s like the domino effect. I just wish I would have known how things would go.
But, we can’t go back we can only grow and learn from our mistakes. I believe with every molecule in my body that my relationship will be fine. I know he is stressed and overwhelmed and not sure how to handle all of this, I can’t blame him for that. I also know he loves me and that we are very happy together. Its going to take time but I have faith that we will fight through this and come out stronger and closer in the end. I pray and pray for this.
Another G.A. meeting tonight. I’m kind of dreading it to be honest. Might ask my friend to go with me.
Thank you, all of you. Your words of encouragement and the friendship I’ve received on this site mean so much to me.

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! It’s great to hear that you have hope for the future. It sounds like you have the employment part of your future on solid ground. And the best part is that you are grounded in your gambling recovery. Just keeping working at your life a day at a time, and know that you have people on this site supporting you and wishing you every good thing. Carole

[trinitysky]

well I haven’t been on here much lately… Too much going on. I truly am not sure how much more I can take. My uncle went into the hospital tonight. He’s currently hooked up to life support and they will be pulling it tomorrow, per his wishes. I guess the only blessing in all of this is my grandmother is so out of it from her dementia that she isn’t aware that another child of hers is going to beat her to the grave. It’s one hit after another at this time of year of all things. I truly understand now, how and why it is so many people decide to end it after an addiction like this.
I have no idea where I stand with the boyfriend.. ex.. whatever he is. Things have only appeared to get worse between us. He’s so distant and cold now that its hard to believe him when he says he loves me and hasn’t given up. I’m quickly becoming very bitter and angry over all of this. I feel like over the past few days I haven’t seen him at all. He wen’t to a wedding yesterday that I was originally supposed to go with him to. He stayed away all night because he got too drunk to drive home. That one night alone without him almost killed me. How can you love someone so much when they just seem to want to give up on you? I just feel so hurt, disappointed, and abandoned.
The job is going well. I’m good at it and have met a lot of great new people. One guy in particular has become a good friend. He recently went through a divorce, which he didn’t want so we are at similar crossroads. I’ve explained my whole situation to him and it’s amazing how understanding and forgiving a complete stranger can be. I think he was put in my path to help strengthen me and to show me that not everyone will be as judgmental as my boyfriends family seems to think. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who is outside the situation, who can be completely honest with me. He’s even gone so far as to offer me a room if I need a place to stay. Sometimes people surprise me in such amazing ways.
I’ve been hoping and praying that my boyfriend.. ex.. changes his mind about me moving out but it seems as though this prayer may go unanswered. New Years Eve is coming up, we haven’t even talked about it. I think he’s going to avoid me. Probably made plans already. Who knows. I just hate all of this. I feel myself becoming an empty shell and that’s the last thing I want. I went through this with a past ex. He treated me the same cold distant way. I in turn became a walking empty shell of a person. I just never thought this guy would ever do these things to me. Never in a million years thought he’d ever even consider being so mean, cold, and distant. Sometimes people surprise me in horrible ways too.
Still gamble free, even though our tradition has always been to go to the casino I haven’t thought about it once. If I do it’s only in remembrance of the great times we had in the past and the uncertainty of the this years holiday. I will not spend it sitting in this house alone. The new friend at work invited me to go out with him and his friends. Worse comes to worse that’s what I’ll do.
I’ll keep ya posted..

[monique]

Two good things there – you have not gambled and you are doing well at your job. Maybe focus on those? – both are tremendous achievements of which you can be proud.
If you can dwell more on the things you can work on for yourself and by yourself, it may help you towards becoming more able to value yourself and even begin to enjoy being the unique ‘you’ that you are.
I hope you will not take this as criticism, but I see that you mention a previous relationship ending and that you became an ’empty shell’ kind of person then. So it leads me to wonder if you find it hard to believe that you are worthwhile just as ‘you’, so then you over-emphasize the value of being part of an intimate relationship? In turn, it feels utter disaster to face the ending (or even temporary severing) of a relationship? I recognize that loss of a partner is one of the most difficult things for any of us, but I think it is worse when you sort of lose your own value at the same time. Does that make sense? I certainly do not wish to underestimate the pain you feel about the potential loss of your partner, but I wonder if, amidst all the pain, it is possible to start building up a sense of ‘you’ that is complete and worthwhile and not an empty shell? Not only does that help you to live more fully whilst not in a relationship, but I think it will also make any future relationship more satisfying.

These are ideas that come to me as I read your posts and intended to be helpful; I hope you see them in that way.

Stay safe and focussed during these next few days and keep in touch with all the support you can find.

Monique

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! I too was struck with your comment of becoming an empty shell after the breakup of a previous relationship. That would suggest to me that you lose who you are in long-term relationships. I recognize that because I’ve done the same. In our quest to be loved and accepted, we slowly stop being the person we were that attracted our partner in the first place. It starts being all about the one we’re with. It would appear that he is distancing himself from you, leaving you alone on Christmas Day, not taking you to the wedding, and no discussion of what you’ll be doing on New Year’s Eve. Take back your power and make your own New Year’s Eve plans, and start doing the things you used to enjoy. Just a cautionary word about moving in with the co-worker. If things go bad, then it could make the workplace an uncomfortable situation for the both of you. You really are doing exceptionally well by not gambling in such a stressful situation. As hard as this may be to believe, better days will come in time. Your prince seems more of a toad as he is not making this breakup easy on you, by giving you conflicting information. He tells you he loves you but doesn’t act lovingly. If you want the truth, look at his actions, not his words. (((Hugs))) Carole

[trinitysky]

I started packing today, it was hard but I got through it. I’ve been putting it off just hoping that things would change. The “he” would change his mind. I can’t wait any longer. I get paid in two days and that was the agreement.
I’m done sitting around feeling sorry for myself and feeling so pathetic. I’m done feeling like a I have to beg someone to love me. This is not me or the kind of person I want to be.
In a way I think you were all correct. I have sort of lost myself in this relationship. Not completely but I always had the mindset that this was about us, not me. That, when we moved in together and made that commitment we joined our lives into one. This will not change, I have always believed this but I realize now that he wasn’t thinking the same way or if he was he never knew how to show it. I can’t believe after everything that has happened that he is choosing to run. Abandon ship so to speak because there is a storm brewing. This is the time he should be holding me closer, helping me through this tough time. I know that it’s natural for him to have doubts and concerns but if he truly loved me that love would be stronger than all of those things. I still love him very much, still pray every day that we come out of this mess together and closer than ever but I can’t sit around and wait on that dream forever. I have to focus right now on my legal issues. On repairing that aspect of my life. I had hoped he’d be there to help me through all of that but it’s time to put on the big girl pants and handle it on my own. I’ve been attending my meetings, working (even if it is only part time right now) and I haven’t gambled at all, not even a lottery ticket.
I’m supposed to move in two days and I have no place to go, no idea what to do and I keep falling back on the friend from work that offered me a room. I can’t go to my moms. I was just there yesterday trying to visualize moving back there, where I would sleep and how it would work… truth is it wont work. There are six people living in that three bedroom house. Granted three of them are very young children but I can’t go back to that. I can’t live like that, it will for sure push me back into a bad direction. I’ve tried several of my friends and they don’t have room either. So again, I’m back to the coworker. I know things could go wrong but right now it seems to be the only choice I have. We have a lot in common and have agreed that we will keep it just a friendship. I told him the whole situation and he just seems like he genuinely understands what I’m dealing with and wants to help. Might only be a temporary fix anyways. He lives out of state, if I get put on probation for this mess I wont be able to live out of the state I got into trouble in. But at least for now I’d have a roof over my head and not have to stress so much.
I’ll keep ya’ll posted

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! Way to go for being strong enough to pack your belongings. I do hope that you will be happy in whatever accommodation you move to. It will take time to rebuild your life and it won’t be easy but you will do it, and move on from this very painful time. Wishing you a happier new year. Carole

[monique]

Good to hear from you again.

I, too, was a bit concerned about you taking a room with your colleague, but it seems you have considered several options, you need somewhere to live and this room is available. I suggest you weigh it up as carefully as possible – I am sure you have already – and keep your eyes wide open, whatever choice you make. Being well-informed and keeping your mind alert will help protect you and facilitate the wisest decisions in your circumstances. I suppose my concerns were similar to those already expressed and also that you have met this colleague only recently and you are both a bit vulnerable. But, as I say, if you keep your mind and eyes wide open, you should stay safe. Let’s hope he is really just one of those kind people in the world and it could be just the support you need right now, as far as accommodation is concerned. Your immediate and long-term welfare is what matters and what we care about here.
So I wish you strength, courage and wisdom.

Monique

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! I have to echo what Monique said, and hope that this co-worker doesn’t have any ulterior motives other than providing you with a room for rent. Wishing you well and a gamble free day! Carole

[trinitysky]

Well tomorrow is moving day.. I’ve made the decision to move in with my mother. As much as I hate the idea of going back to that life and dealing with that situation again it’s something I must do for now. I will not be moving in with the coworker I mentioned. I do believe he was just trying to help, after hearing about my situation, but I definitely don’t need any more conflict or drama in my life. Besides, if I can manage to get another job or get bumped to full time at my current job, I may have a place of my own… at least for a few months. There is just so much going on in my life right now. My mind is a major mess.
I’m extremely conflicted about tomorrow. I hate the idea of moving out of the house that I thought was my home even though I know I’m not wanted here any more. I hate the idea of sleeping in a bed alone and I know I’ll be constantly wondering what my ex is doing but I have also accepted that I can’t change or control anyone but myself. I finally have accepted that and I will not beg anyone to love me or want to be with me. Reading the posts that I posted the past week and a half sickens me. It’s not me, those do not represent the person I am. I can’t believe I let myself stoop so low, become so desperate. I was just so damn hurt and upset over everything that I felt like I was losing everything… if that makes sense.
It’s horrifying, the things love can do to you and make you do.. I let you know how it goes. Thanks Carole and Monique

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! I’m thinking of you as you go through this transition in your life. I think that it is a wise decision to move in with your mother, even though it is something you don’t want to do. It won’t be forever and you will find fulltime work, and can then work a plan to move to your own place. You are in an “in between place,” right now, and that is always hard, especially for us cgs. Your future won’t always be so uncertain, so hopefully you will take comfort in that fact. Wishing you well and a gamble free day. Carole

[monique]

Hi Trinity
I am glad you have been able to make a decision, even if it doesn’t feel wonderful. I hope it will feel better than you can imagine once you have actually moved. I hope you can continue to concentrate on what is essential for YOU to move forward in the ways that will be best for you and that you will be able to put other thoughts aside.
I hope one day you will know the joy of a mutually good relationship, but try not to worry about that for now – it is more likely to happen when you are strong and able to love and value yourself.
You say that your posts reveal a person that is not the real you, but someone you are not proud of – but you have been making real progress and I hope you will soon feel that the ‘real you’ can be in charge and is indeed a worthy and lovable human being.
Very best wishes,

Monique

[p]

Hi Trinity

Just wanted to see how you are doing and how the move to your mums has turned out.. i hope that the days are good to you and that we hear from you soon..

P

[trinitysky]

Well it’s been almost a week exactly since I moved back to my moms… I absolutely hate it there. Words can never describe how much I hate it there. I’ve pretty much accepted it though and I’m done fighting the things that I have no control over. I’m learning the true meaning of accepting the things I cannot change. Right now my life is full of things I have no control over. I feel much stronger than I did a week ago though. I am more determined than ever to come out of this stronger and a much better, self reliant person. I will never allow myself to be in a position like this again. I still haven’t gambled… hasn’t even crossed my mind. That person that used to gamble almost every day, I can’t relate to. I don’t know who that was but I do know I never want to go back there again. I lost myself in something so stupid, something that in the end only caused problems for me. The job is going ok. I was offered a full time position two days ago. I’m not really crazy about it since it’s the night shift but right now I can’t afford to be picky and I should be incredibly proud. There are several employees that have been there longer than me that want the full time position. So I’ll count it as a blessing and deal with it for now. I’m going to continue to look for something different. Something that pays more. For now though, this will work.
My car broke down this week. In the middle of a blizzard and then today I’ve been borrowing my moms and hers broke down on me too. I have the worst luck ever. Oh well can’t change any of that. Gotta love it…

[monique]

It’s great to read a post from you again, even though things are still tough.
But you have made that move and you have got work – and the offer of full-time. Yes, I think you can be very proud of what you have managed to do and achieve. It does not feel perfect, but with your determination, it can be a step on the way to a better life for you. One Day At A Time……
Most brilliant of all, you have not gambled. With that decision made and maintained, your chances of improving things are SO much better. It’s not easy, but it can be good.
Do you want to write more about the struggles you have about where you are now living? Would it help get it out of your system? Maybe yes, maybe no – your choice, but people here will listen, will not judge and will offer support, maybe some insight/suggestions…… Just a thought …. only do what seems right for you.
Best wishes,

Monique

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! As Monique said, you are gamble free which is a huge accomplishment and you do have employment, even though it isn’t ideal. The living with your Mom is only temporary, but I feel for you as you said you hated it. I think that it was probably a more sound decision to move to your Mom’s than to take a chance of moving in with a male co-worker. You are doing what needs to be done in your life, even though most of the choices you have had to make haven’t been pleasant. You have strength and courage, and that will carry you through until you can make other choices you want to make. Carole

[p]

Hello trinity just wondering how things are going for you now… i know you are finding it tough living with your mum again but its good you have a place to live at least and you are not gambling. Lets know how things are panning out and the more days you have gambling free the clearer the picture will become

P

[trinitysky]

I realize it’s been months since I’ve been on here and a lot has changed. I finally got the internet so I’m back here for good.
Where to start……
Let’s see, when I left off here I had moved back home and was dealing with car problems waiting for my final court date. So the car troubles never ended, my car was complete toast. I met an amazing man at my new job and now …. I’M ENGAGED!!! My ex, the one that forced me to move and pretty much chose everyone over me was very upset when he found out that I moved on and he tried getting back with me. Turns out everyone was right on here. I don’t want someone who would be so willing to give up on me and run. I found someone who was willing to love me and stand beside me at the worst time in my life. There is nothing that compares to that feeling and he proposed at the worst time ever.
I went to my last court date March 3 and was senctenced to 60 days in jail. I got a trustee position my first night in so with all of my “good days” and the trustee time taken off I actually only did 30 days in jail. It was definitely an experience. One that I never want to repeat but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. While I was in jail my fiance, will never get used to that term, found me a good job and handled everything for me that I couldn’t from jail. It’s like I’ve completely started a whole new life. New home, new job, I sold my car since it was junk so eventually a new vehicle is in the mix, and I’ve left a lot of friends behind. In the end I think this is what I needed. It’s horrible that it took something so major, like embezzlement, to get my life on track but it did. I struggle, still, every day for different reasons and I get down on myself often for the choices that I’ve made and those I’ve left behind but things are coming along.
There’s much more to tell and I’m sure I’ll get to it but for now I’ll leave it at this..

[jackwilson]

Hi there. It’s good to hear stories of members who are doing well. It seems like your life is on the upswing. Congrats on the engagement and stay strong!

[janey1]

I look forward to hearing much more about how your life has changed and moved on from being focussed on gambling to be focussed on living a full and exciting life ??

Janey

[desdemona]

Dear (((trinitysky)))! It’s lovely to see you posting again. Who knew so much was happening in your life!! LOL! I’m happy to hear that the ex has been left in the dust as when the going got tough, he got going! Not someone you want to share your life with definitely. I’m happy to hear that you have met someone new that is being there for you, but I would caution you to have a long engagement, so that you can see this guy in many different seasons, so that you can really know the man he is. I’m not saying he isn’t wonderful but we women tend to ignore the red flags along the way! My new mantra is “If someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them!!! Happy trails! Carole

[charles]

Great to see you back posting Trinity.

[trinitysky]

Been a while since I’ve posted but I wanted to fill everyone in. It has officially been just over two years since I last gambled, Yay!!!! I am here to tell you it gets easier with every passing day. I think I may be one of the lucky ones. After my ordeal, going to jail and all, I truly don’t ever think about gambling. Well that’s a lie, I think about it but in a totally different way. When I think about “it” it’s not about going or the desire to play it’s about how much of my life was wasted in the act. How much I lost and am still losing because of it. looking back it’s strange, I truly don’t recognize that person that I was. It seems like it was all just a bad nightmare. I know, of course, that it wasn’t. It was very real! Heartbreaking, sobering, and humbling in it’s own way. I’m still struggling to rebuild my life, it’s going to take years to come back from the financial end of it all and even longer to mend bridges, but I’ll do it. I’m determined to do what it takes.
I encourage anyone who is struggling with gambling to just keep trying. I can contest to the one day at a time, I now have that tattooed literally on my body. It really does work and with every day that you successfully stay away from gambling it only gets easier. you really do need to find new hobbies, maybe pick up a few old ones that you left behind. Fill the time and your thoughts with life and you’ll get there. ..
Till next time “one day, one step, one breath at a time”!!!

[p]

Well that is just fantastic, it is wonderful to see people return and say they are still gamble free.. two years is amazing. I am so pleased for you. I remember you here. Well done on your recovery and you have learnt some valuable lessons. Thank you for coming back and sharing. It gives me hope.

P

[vera]

Great words of encouragement, Trinity!
Yes, it does take a long time to rebuild our lives after the damage gambling caused. The only way it can b done is to cut our losses and walk away as you did!
Well done!

[charles]

Great post Trinity, well done. One day at a time can achieve great things.

[charles]

Hi Trinitysky, it appears I had a connection problem, the group is still open if you wanted to chat. ??

[trinitysky]

Can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I last posted in this this “journal”. I was doing some soul searching here lately and thinking a lot about what I’ve been through, made me think of course of the darkest time in my life. So…. here I am to once again push for all of you to do whatever it takes to get away from the gambling world. It’s been so long since I last stepped foot in a casino (slot machines were my poison), that’s hard for me to even attempt to understand the pull of it. I do, however, remember days/nights spent in the casinos. I remember spending so much time in them that I would go home and fall asleep to the sound of the slot machines still dinging in my head. The horrible smell of all the cigarette smoked caked all over me, and I don’t smoke but for some reason I felt the undying need to place myself in that environment every day. That’s how bad I was, I went EVERY SINGLE DAY!! It’s getting closer now to the three year mark and I’m still going strong. I work in a factory now and I work around a lot of gamblers but I can honestly say that hearing them all talk about their trips to the casino only makes me feel scared for them. Scared they may cross that line and never be able to turn back. I still never think of going. I have such a long way to go before all of my debt is paid back and I’ve been through so much because of the addiction that I hate even the thought of a casino. I have thankfully started to rebuild some bridges that I thought for sure were gone forever. I hurt a lot of people but forgiveness is a beautiful thing when you have the courage to allow it into your heart. People I was sure would never speak to me again are starting to come around. It’s taken me two years to get here, jail, 57,000 dollars in fines, fees, and restitution, heartbreak, embarrassment, loss, grief, and a whole lot of demoralization but I’m here. I’m alive and stronger than ever.
Take a look at your life. Take a look at who you were before you started gambling and who you are now. I know the grip it has on you. I know that feeling of complete helplessness. I know that no matter how hard you try it seems you lose the battle every day to this horrible disease. I also know that there is hope, there is a way to get away. Everyone is different. It took hitting the bottom of all bottoms for me to get away and I pray each and every day that none of you have to get to that point. But I am proof that there is life after gambling. There is life after hitting bottom. There’s a better, fuller, happier, less stressful life after it all. Starting right now remember who you were and set your sights on being that person, only a bit wiser for the wear. Focus on today and today alone. Get through it without gambling and congratulate yourself at the end of every day that you don’t gamble. Buy a calendar and pencil in a schedule every day. Make sure you fill every minute of that day. New hobbies, new adventures, new friends… just fill it. Stay so busy and get so wrapped up in just living that the thought of gambling never enters your mind. It can be done and it only gets easier with every passing day. There is a passage from the bible that got me through every step of the horrifying court battle that I went through for a year of my life, I’ll share it and hope it can least help someone else.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”

[kpat]

What a wonderul post. You are truly an inspiration. A warning to us all that this addictionhas serious consequences, but there is hope. You are an overcomer. I am thankful to God that He carried you through to this happier place. May your life be all that He has designed it to be everyday (because what He wants for us is better than we can imagine)!

[charles]

Great post Trinity. One day at a time can achieve great things.

[lizbeth4]

Thank you for your post Trinity. There is life after gambling!

[p]

What great news, I remember you here. So glad you are gamble free, nearly three years, what an enormous achievement. Well done. What positive change

P

[Author]

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