[i-did-it]

[i-did-it]

How many ways do we fool ourselves ?

If i gamble I will win
It will be different next time -i will withdraw
Just one tenner then I’ll stop
This will be the last time

Even worse I guess when we fool ourselves about our character?
I don’t like drama- while obviously encouraging it
I am Not judgemental while passing harsh judgement
I am Honest as while lying through teeth
I don’t engage in gossip – but will email you later with the biz

I am only trying to help -while helping self and ego
I need the truth – while desperately concealing it
I have nothing to be sorry for – while continuing to cause hurt .

The bible had it right !
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes”

[finding_laura]

As a CG I fooled myself in countless ways! I’ve earned it! was one of the excuses I’d say to myself. If my partner sunk my share of everything into a slot machine I wouldn’t think he earned it! That’s for f*$@ing sure! It’s that twisted CG thinking.

We can ignore all the past damage and fool ourselves in whatever way we need to. All to make that next be and keep ourselves in total denial.

Don’t be hard on yourself IDI. Look at what this addiction is costing you with the rose coloured glasses off. It’s no longer fun when we realize we are just hurting ourselves in the long run.

I’m glad I’m back here remembering the lesson!

[i-did-it]

the gambling part of my post I felt really reflected how I think.
I’m afraid others inspired the rest, although I am sure I can claim all the faults also .

Anyway I haven’t gambled – so all is good
I read today about someone who doesn’t get hurt – I guess if you dont get hurt you can’t empathise with others getting hurt- explains a lot .
.

I had lost my way I think a few weeks ago but it wasn’t too bad – so for several months I have been doing really well at not gambling.

Best clarify – I haven’t gambled TODAY because strange tho it must seem today I am writing about today.

[i-did-it]

Today I am thinking of the many excuses we make for ourselves and how we justify that to ourselves .
We can make lofty statements with great authority, we can give glowing reports of our perception of ourselves , we can assign ourself many great qualities – but in the end we are what we are – warts and all.

I can see many of my faults and they are numerous -how many more can I not see?
How can we work on our faults when we are blind to them?

The question for me is where do I start – it’s an overwhelming task?

[kathryn]

I actually LOL when I read your first post about fooling ourselves.
How many times I deluded myself, next time would be different!
Only a little bit of money….ha! I always made sure I had access to more!
We all have character flaws, cg’s or not.
I’d like to think that how I treat others is a testament to my character.
We all see things differently, and what’s important to you may not be important to me and vice versa.
I think most people know in their heart/soul/gut what’s right and wrong. And at the end of the day we all have to look in the mirror and see ourselves. Whether it’s a true reflection looking back is anyone’s guess.
I’m happy for you that you haven’t gambled and I hope each day is getting a teensy bit easier in some way or another.
As for working on faults, I’m not sure how to tackle that question, perhaps time is the only answer, it will happen when it happens.
Not very helpful I know.
Anyway , wishing you a day of peace my friend.
Love K xxx

[micky]

Hi i-di-i thanks for your positive post on my thread ( again) it means alot . I certainly don’t think your the sick of the sickest if anything you only ever give good support, and theres nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself as you have been . Micky.

[Dunc]

Hi IDI

We’ve been trying to contact you by email without success. Could you come onto the help line or email me from a valid email account @ [email protected]

Kind Regards

[finding_laura]

Good morning IDI! There was a comment above that kind of caught me off guard and made me sad to read it. Someone made that post to me and it really bothered me to see it used as a means of attack. People often say they aren’t hurt as a means to save face. And maybe my comment hadn’t hurt them, but to generalize and say they don’t get hurt, as in ever, i think was mean as an insult/dig. You have asked others to quit going overboard or making insulting statements… let’s all take the high road and work on recovery.

You’ve made some very open posts to others in the last few days. There is no defensiveness in them. I understand that you use it as a shield, and sometimes rightfully so!

I think we have developed a real friendship from our times in group. I hope my honesty about how I feel about the above post doesn’t insert a wedge.

Looking forward to next time we connect. Keep up the great work. You have made many changes in the last little while for you!

Laura

[i-did-it]

Yes I did feel attacked by that comment on your thread Laura and a few others to be honest.
I guess I am more straight and up front than others
.

[i-did-it]

Thanks Micky – It’s been very difficult when people attack and say horrible things. Inexplicably horrible things . I do try to give others positive support and and I feel we all deserve this. That particular post was one of the most hurtful and nasty I have ever read an GT . Thank you ..

[i-did-it]

Tried the helpline Harry .
Will try again – could you maybe indicate when u will be on there .
To be honest I am thinking of following Johnny’s example and leaving here . Sometimes support is more detrimental than helpful . I have just checked my gmail- no messages from you but I do change my details on here fairly recently as I couldn’t get access to my old email account .

[finding_laura]

Reading back on my comment I can now understand your thoughts on it. I thought you were digging at the other person, but looking back, I see what you are saying too.
I think there is a bit of tit for tat going on here. If we can’t be nice to each other can we at least say nothing? The types of basics we teach our kids.
Oh dear, now I think I’ve stirred the pot. I only wish you well IDI. Laura

[i-did-it]

Laura , I am trying to move on .
I appreciate your support .
I don’t want anyone to have to feel they need to take sides
But some comments which were made were just too hurtful and unnecessary and are difficult to forget – but who knows

Have to hand it to Geordie – he can argue forever but isn’t harsh or unkind !
I will chat to you in group – u are a great person – u have been even and balanced in your views and are well loved on here !

[finding_laura]

Dear IDI, I was writing this post to you today when the power went out. I’ve just signed in group now.
Smart, witty, funny, caring IDI. I would be sorry to see you go and don’t understand why you need to ?? Recovery can be a touchy subject. If we’d resolved all the issues in our lives we wouldn’t be on a recovery site for gambling addiction. I’ve gotten so much out of your posts and chats and being able to talk over everyday life in the context of the added stress of being a CG has been immeasurable. Dear friend “mate” please keep in touch. xo Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura for such a lovely post-
It’s strikes me as strange that someone can take the time to write such a thoughtful and complimentary post and we simply say thank you and move on.

Yet when someone behaves towards us in a hurtful way we remember it forever -why can’t we move on then ?

Tonight as I pondered this question i realised there are so many things that will hurt us more deeply than words -life can throw some very cruel things at us and probably most of us have experienced things like this .

I guess I’m saying nobody died –
I will be ok.
I can move on.
I have forgiven
…I struggle with forgetting (character fault 467 lol)

[finding_laura]

oh I get that one IDI! I’ve remembered every single sin my husband ever committed against me. Some of them engraved in every fiber of my being! Now my husband seems to be able to forget his own sins really easily. But then he showed me how he could forget mine very easily too. He never brings up the money i lost or what it could have bought or done for us. Never. I don’t know if I could be that big of a person.

That’s why I don’t understand the stupidity of what I was doing. Again! Really? Sucker for punishment. Slow learner. But name calling never helped me before.

we can do this!
Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Laura ,
Thanks for your very honest post .

I just read Geordie ‘ s very nice post on his thread- I must say that despite our recent disagreement he has been a wonderful help to me on here in the past .

Did u ever put your time and energy into one issue while trying to ignore the real reason you were upset ?

Life is too short to hold grudges – we are all a product of our lives to date – and those lives to date have led us all to a forum for people who have a gambling addiction.

And as Geordie rightly pointed out – we are all the very same distance from our next bet – even if our last one was a second ago .

Life is good – i have a lot of reasons to be happy .i have a lot of reasons to be grateful

Going now to say my novena for Monica – I have completely lost track of how many days I have done.- but extra prayers can’t hurt

[kathryn]

I really liked that post, I could almost hear you breathing out when you wrote it.
Have a good weekend, love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Kathryn,
It’s great to have closure on things which bother us .

So I went shopping – was stuff I would love for my house and the only way I could think to get them was gamble .
That’s despite building up quite a bit of gamble free time.
I didn’t – I am more aware of my thinking – but it never really goes away – unless I guess we totally replace the addiction with meetings or something else which will eat into family time .

[finding_laura]

Hi IDI,

Yes I have put a lot of time and energy into one issue and I would say maybe not ignoring the real reason I was upset but often in denial of what the real reason or reasons were. I feel like recovery opened my eyes in a lot of ways and continues to. Once I see something differently I can make different choices. And I think doing nothing, or changing nothing is a choice. Speaking for myself here. I will no longer play a victim. If I don’t like something I say it. Sometimes I still feel misunderstood but much stronger.

I’ve seen in different magazines where they show you the expensive version of something and then the cheap version. From furniture to light fixtures and pillows and accents. See if you have an online discount shop to browse. In my family we ask for very practical things for Christmas. There are usually a few surprises but mostly things like a new dish set or silicone oven mitts or a bed set. This year is new dishes for me from my mother plus she’ll give me a few treats. I was broke for a lot of years while I gambled and many after. I had to be practical about my gifts!

There are so many demands on our time when we are working, being a mother, being a wife, and being a volunteer that it can be hard to carve out a little time for our self. But we are worth it. So if you ever feel you need or want to add something to your support network, remember, you and your recovery are so worth it.

I’ve been a busy little bee yesterday and today, ticking things off my list. Just want to feel organized and in control for once in my life!

I should be around for the 10pm London time group if you are around later. I was out running an errand last night so missed it. If we miss each other have a good night!
Laura

[i-did-it]

Laura thank you for your lovely post .
I am better at speaking out too but still if possible I prefer to keep the peace . My motto – live and let live. However looking back I can see I often don’t live up to this !
I am kinda secretly hoping Geordie will come back and write on my thread – ( what a confusion I am ).

Here’s the thing Laura – I am (like always ) afraid to buy a few cushions in case I run short – I feel I should be saving for Bigger things like the sofa I saw – but in the end the money sits until it is eventually gambled. This has been the pattern for years . There is something very amiss with my thinking. .

I’m afraid I won’t make it to group tonight because …drum roll… I am going to a show !!! And I probably will have a few wines .

Now the biggest change in me – I cannot stop laughing at stuff – happy laughter – hearty laughter -light and silly laughter .
Either I am completely losing my marbles or the old me is returning . I feel light and that nothing or no one in the world is dragging me down . Yeah relationships are hard at times but when u feel happy u deal with stuff in a happy way .

I’m kinda happy and I’m going to enjoy it !

[i-did-it]

Ps spoke to Sam in chat and he/ she listened – maybe that’s all it took! Several chats later ! Sometimes it’s nice to be heard !

[p]

Hi I did it

I hope you really enjoy the show and great to hear you are laughing and enjoying life. Hope to see you in group soon

P

[finding_laura]

Hey I did when I read you were going out I went for a nap instead of chat lol.
Happiness and laughter are great signs. You had a weight lift off your shoulders and you worked through a bump in your recovery! Enjoy the laughter! Hope the show was a comedy ??
will catch you another time!
Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Laura and P , the show was a comedy lol.

To be honest – a huge change for me is that I am content to sit in- I think I prefer that to a night out .
In the past I found it really hard to sit in.
Not sure if this is good , but I think it’s because I feel so much more content in myself – I have lost the restlessness I used to have
.rambling now .. time for bed

[i-did-it]

I get little from posting here anymore – does anyone post on any other sites ? Are they helpful? Are they monitored ?
Just wondering …
Edit I am going to accept that the person who posted the very nasty post directed at me once again used very poor judgment and move on – like the title of this thread says! Lack of self awareness is just what it is .

[i-did-it]

I stopped counting my days of recovery when I had a lapse .
That was a silly thing to do as many have said abstinence and recovery are completely different things .
I am not aiming for abstinence -(although it would be good ) I’m aiming for recovery .
So I reckon I am about two months into my recovery now .
I am not competing with anyone .
I don’t need to remember a date of my last bet – I just need to know I am in recovery and working on my faults and my life .

If others wish to mark their recovery differently that’s entirely their business – as maverick puts it – what they think of me is entirely their own business also – I only need to worry about what I think of me .
I am not going to let one , two or even six errors of judgment effect my thinking so that I feel I have made no progress.

Some people need those day and dates- and that s great –
I need to know that I am being honest with myself -and my recovery is so much longer than the last bet I placed .
It is so much greater than the few weeks that represents .
I am so much happier with my life than weeks can change .

In truth I have been slowly embracing recovery for two years – I have never went back to the dark days of the past .

I have grown as a person , I have dramatically reduced debts , I have not gambled for almost all of it .
I know from friends on here it doesn’t work like this for everyone – some people gamble once and immediately thrown back into a full scale relapse .
I have never been without enough money in the past two years(more would have been nice ) . I have never felt the same unhappiness .

For me recovery is about learning, improving and moving forward – whAts the point in recovery otherwise ?

[p]

Love this post i think its great you are in recovery, only you can be the judge of that. Your life has improved and not in debt. Well done! I am one of those people that full on relapse into total destruction, so glad you didnt.. a little bump in the road and continuing on.. well done i did it, proud of you

P

[finding_laura]

Hi I did it,
Is it gamcare that I have seen posting? I don’t know if It’s because I’m struggling to function but I have a hard time keeping up in one spot. But when I was first in real recovery, in 2009, I used all the sites except gamcare. And I used them heavily. I joked about being addicted to sites. But I was home and not out losing a fortune. I didn’t let it stay that way forever. But I did what I felt I needed to to stay in recovery. Explore other sites if you feel you don’t get enough from one. It’s your recovery and your progress ??

[finding_laura]

I can most definitely agree with that! It’s 2am and I was worried about my sons out on icy roads. One is home and the other has decided to stay put. So now I think will sleep as I can barely hold up my head. Most definitely a great post IDI. Onward and upward.Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura – I seem to need soooo much support – I feel I am forever online – but like you say I am home and not wasting money – I have self banned from so many sites that when I last tried I couldn’t find a new one to join- so I guess I am being forced into being gamble free. Lol

[i-did-it]

Maybe that should read year and half – I can’t actually remember – but I remember it was a May when something clicked – despite my regressions – it was a turning points of sorts for me – not there yet – may never be – but mostly making better choices .

[finding_laura]

Good morning IDI,

thinking a proper post is in order! I’m keeping my eye on the 2pm London time group.

I don’t think we should restrict how much time we need for recovery support. As moms of course we always worry about neglecting other children or other duties and tasks that contribute to our family’s well being. But you seem a super mom Idi, so just look at it as a scheduling thing. How much time was dedicated to thinking about the gambling messes we made?
When I first seriously wrestled with this demon I came at it with all guns ablazing! I was going to face to face meetings and meetings and chat on line and counseling. I was running to credit counseling and bank appointments. It takes a lot of time.

As you say, you have been a work in progress for two years now. You’ve made great gains! If you are at a spot where you need more contact, seek it out. I know you are missing your support mate. It is also super helpful to find a kindred spirit in recovery. I hope she is doing well.

I was shopping again yesterday. Sometimes I only pick up one or two things but I got to spend a couple hours with my sister and then we went to my mothers for lunch. When I came home I did a few things and fell asleep at supper time again for a few hours. I’m just taking it as it comes.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday! ~ Laura

[Monica1]

Missed the 10pm one as watching a really good film. Went on the midnight for quite a while but no one on.

[i-did-it]

Thank you P, Laura and Monica .

I’m back.
I have realised something – actually while reading Lizbeth’s thread- I accept less than acceptable behaviour from others – this has spilled over into my support .

I have a friend who bullies me into drinking with her – sounds mad but I just recognised a pattern while reading Lizbeth’s Thread – the horrible texts , the emotional blackmail , the huffing behaviours- this year I have so far had an
alcohol free party season and it has been the best I remember -because I am learning to assert myself .
I also have had no posts on my thread which have left me feeling useless , demotivated and deflated.
Being assertive is hard for me – but I am seeing the peace it brings to my life .
I guess it is about valuing ourselves enough to allow people to treat us how we deserve to be treated and not allowing others to treat us in a manner we find unacceptable

[Monica1]

Good to see you posting again. The lack of posts on your thread was because I thought you were no longer going to post and had closed it down. but you were missed certainly by myself and laura. You should know that as we both ***** you as a really good friend. Thanks for the job tips. Need to keep the momentum up. Just read an earlier post about the novenas. I want to thank you for that and let’s hope we see a change soon. It has been one of the toughest times of my life and your prayers mean a lot.

[finding_laura]

Good morning I did it!

I too am glad to see your post. I also was not posting in respect of your comments re forums not doing it for you any more and no longer posting on a thread. Funny, i think sometimes we could answer some of our own questions if we just re read what we’ve posted in the past week or two. Maybe you say things in an off hand way but when said forcefully we assume you mean it. I didn’t want to disrespect you doing recovery in your own way. Sometimes counseling lets us work recovery in our own way with constructive one on one professional feedback. In addition to wonderful supportive forum friends of course! Thank-you for your support IDI. It is immensely helpful.
Laura

P.S. you are far from useless. I can understand feeling demotivated and deflated. Is it lack of posts or something else that is making you feel that way? From our chats I would think in some ways you are feeling motivated. Catch you all at 10 tonight. I must run, appointment – physiotherapy. Need to shower and change in half hour!

[finding_laura]

p.s.s – you need a thread with a more hopeful name. It’s like you are calling yourself a fool every time you go to post here. I don’t like it. Seems like you are down on yourself

[i-did-it]

Thank you both, Monica and Laura –
Yes Laura I will start a new thread .
Xx

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