[jennaraye88]

Some of you might remember me from a few months ago. I was fortunate enough to claw my way out of the gigantic hole that I had fallen into for about 6 years. I was so happy and optimistic about my future. Moved in with my boyfriend, got a promotion, cleared my debts.

Just 6 months later and I’m back to hell. Struggling to wipe away the tears as I am typing this. I feel so cold, alone, scared, ashamed, sick. I relapsed in a big way and pretty much undone any good that I had managed.

I am still living with my boyfriend although he works away 5 days a week so I’m living alone really. He has no idea about my problem because I’ve never been brave enough to tell him. I feel like I should just leave him, he’ll never be able to achieve all he dreams of in life if I’m there to keep him down. I argue with him for no reason, drink just to fall asleep and when I cry uncontrollably I blame it all on him. He deserves so much more than I’ll ever be as to give him.

I’m only 27 but know I’ll be living this nightmare for the rest of my days. I really do t want to be here. The thought that this is all I have to offer the world makes me want to give up. And why shouldn’t I?! I’ll never be anything more than a pathetic mess, and poor excuse of a woman. I’ll never be good enough to be a wife or a mom. What is the point in me think I g things will ever change, they won’t. I need out. I want out. I can’t live this life any more. Maybe I’ll come back as someone better, someone to be proud of.

[lizbeth4]

HI Jennaraye88, Never give up on yourself! We all have relapased. Sorry that you are going through this pain. Things can change. Put barriers back into place, banning, blockers, access to money and cards, GT, GA meetings and counceling. You need support, maybe it is time to have a talk with your boyfriend. You have our support here. You are not alone! You can turn things around. You are worth it! Keep posting.

[p]

I know you are going through a hard time and often after relapse it feels like there is no way out.. there is.
Things like this are temporary and change. It doesn’t stay like this forever, the more effort you put into recovery, the better it gets. do you have a gamblers anonymous meeting in your area. Can you ring people when you get urges to gamble, blockers, bans, someone to help with cash.
When you get the urge, try to delay it for half hour.. do something else to take your focus off, start doing something that takes concentration. Or even just start doing the washing or cleaning, put on a movie, meet with a friend, go window shopping, get on the phone, search out a meeting, wait a half hour, then get through just that portion of time.. then do it again.. eventually the urges fade. Its tough but they go away.
Maybe spend some more time here, posting and reading. Join the support groups, talk to someone online.
The addiction steals everything from us, gambling addiction always always gets worse, but recovery also always always gets better. You will see light at the end of the tunnel the more time you spend away from gambling

P

[jennaraye88]

Thank you for your kind words lizbeth and p, I know from my many years of relapses that this feeling will eventually fade. It’s the fact that it will keep intermittently happening for the rest of my life that scares the hell out of me.

There’s nothing I’d love more than to tell my partner all about this horrid addiction, I just cannot find the courage. I love him so much and want nothing more than to make him happy, but him finding out that I have lied for months will surely make him hate me. That’s if he doesn’t already. I’ve been so consumed in my shame and guilt that nothing else has entered my thoughts.

There’s so many things that I want for my future, but I just don’t believe I’ll ever be able to stay in control for long enough to make any of them happen.

I’m all alone. Nobody knows what’s going on with me and I just don’t have the courage to tell anyone. I’m so scared, I feel like I’ve either got to carry on through life lying and suffering or just end it all somehow. I know it’s cowardly, but I honestly feel like I have no other choice.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Jenny, I do understand how you feel. Maybe you could talk to someone on the help line. They might have more suggestions to help you. Don’t give up on yourself. This journey is hard but I believe that there is always hope.

[monique]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you?re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you?re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We?re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you?re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I?m going to hand you over to our community because I?m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[monique]

You have come to a good place and please reach out and try to grasp that you are not all alone. Do speak to someone soon, when you find these feelings overwhelming you – the Samaritans, the Helpline, visit your doctor. And join in here with Support Groups etc. And maybe there are some deep roots to your sense of despair and the destructive urges to escape these; these might be alleviated by some regular counselling sessions.
Don’t give up.
Best wishes,

Monique

[jennaraye88]

I’m feeling numb. Not sure what else to say. I could tell you how much I owe. Or how many people I’ve lied to. Hurt. But it doesn’t matter. There’s only one way this can end.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Jenny, I understand how you feel. The feelings of numbness, hurt, shame, ect. I lied to everyone in my life. IT DOES MATTER HOW YOU FEEL! You can turn this around. It takes work. The problems we cause ourselves by gambling takes time to undo. You can get out of debt! You can stop lying to others. I tell you that it was the most freeing feeling when I told the truth and seeked help for my gambling. If you can, find a support group, GA meeting. I think it helps to have one on one contact with other people who are going through the same things. Don’t give up! Keep posting.

[vera]

I know what it feels to be numb Jenny!
It is delayed shock. You will have to speak to somebody. Maybe come clean to your boyfriend and ask him to give you an hour of his time to discuss something that is making you very happy. If he really loves you , it will be the best thing you ever did. If he doesn’t or can’t hack it, well, it will still be the best thing you ever did.
It is very unfair to him to keep him in the dark I’m sure he is really worried about you.
If you think there is “only one way to end this” you are wrong Jenny.
Temporary problems DO have solutions. Suicide leaves a terrible legacy for loved ones.
Ring the Samaritans if you feel low or go to your mum and stay there while your BF is away.
I know how it feels to lose big money Jenny . Last March I was wiped out. It thought I was going to die from crying. I was a mental and physical wreck.
Time heals. God is good. Don’t give up. You have a better life ahead.

[Author]

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