[angie73]

thats a good idea Vera setting some achievable tasks. I am really finding it hard even to do the basic things, or avoiding them… sought of a reflection of myself in a way. I think one of the things I am so down on myself about is that I just feel like a complete failure, and I know people will say don’t be so hard on myself, but it is something I struggle with. I should of/ could of done so much with my life, instead I chose the self destruction path. I fear conflict, but i am most conflicted with my thoughts. I am my own worst enemy at times.
Well, its a new day, lets see what life can give me today, a better day I hope. I will only get out of it what I put in… so I propose to put on a happy face and smile at the world. It will get better.

[angie73]

Must be the day for it, feeling low. I noticed P has mentioned she has been low too recently. And so have I today. The hard thing to remember is that the feelings do pass, and I can see that you are aware of your emotions at the moment, and what you can do to keep your recovery, so well done. It is not easy, and I admire the strength you are showing and the huge effort you have put in to getting the life you deserve.

[angie73]

HI,
you have made a great start by posting. I also gambled on the online slots and they have taken every cent and more from me. Debt, yep, that is a big thing, but your life is so much more than that. You will never get the money back, not through gambling. One of the best pieces of advice I have received here is to get a gambling site blocker on your computer, i use K9, but there are many others. You will need a password. I didn’t have anyone to set this up for me, so I cut letters from a paper, wrote them down in a jumbled order and used that. I then tore it up. It has saved me from gambling many a time.

[angie73]

A struggle today, feeling low, overwhelmed, yes it will pass, but sometimes looking at the mountain of a mess my life is gets me down. but i cant climb the mountain in one step… little by little one way or another.

[angie73]

great to see you are sticking with your recovery and addressing other issues that may rear their head again. A top effort that you should be proud of.

[angie73]

thanks for asking, things are ok, keeping focused on each day and task I set for myself. I’m not one to venture into the clubs or pubs, haven’t done so for a long time, it was the online sites that I struggle with. I have website blocker on my pc, so i cannot access them. The 2 slip ups I have had in recent months were when I had access to another computer/tablet…. expensive lesson learnt… a million excuses as to why I gambled/ none will change the fact that I did. So, I have a choice, a choice not to throw away my future for a few hours of distraction/ numbness or whatever it is that happens when I gamble and this is the choice I need to make every day. I will wake up and choose to be me, whatever that is, happy, sad, indifferent.

[angie73]

One thing I have noticed is that my posts are generally after a binge. I have read many posts by others, and realized even when people are doing well in their recovery, they still post and offer support and encouragement to others. These posts by other people have been tremendous in giving me hope, ideas and techniques to begin to overcome this, so I thank you.

[angie73]

I like that quote Vera, I am going to use it at the top of my list. Thanks ??

[angie73]

make a list, make a plan, structure. organise the day, will help avoid the chaos than can come.

[angie73]

Be kind to yourself, but do not mislead yourself with false hope, rewards or promises. Be realistic. Yes, be kind to yourself, but be firm as well. There is no “just a little bet” you know this. little leads to a little bit more, more , more. Stand up to yourself and challenge those thoughts that try and mislead you. You know there is no winning – ever. As soon as you bet you have lost. As soon as you overcome those thoughts, you are a step closer to another moment, another day without gambling and renewing hope. Be kind, be firm.

[angie73]

So this evening I have been listening to an old meditation/relaxation recording I had on my phone. I forgot I had it, and I forgot how relaxing it makes my mind. Another tool to use to help with challenging thoughts. Will try and keep doing this.

[angie73]

Why am I self destructing? I don’t know, I mean it is obvious that’s what I am doing, but the why is so hard for me to see or face. Fear of success, fear of being able to see I am worthy of something good, perhaps. Maybe over time as I post more, I will be able to see something about myself, or even others will see what I cant, good and bad. The debt, that’s a big thing, that is the obvious issue that I have to work on, but it is not the cause. How did I get into debt? I gambled. Why did I gamble? That is what I really need to work on, and I am learning things about myself. I don’t want to betray myself Vera, but I have done. I want to do more than stop gambling, I also have this thing where I tell myself don’t gamble, and sometimes i catch myself laughing at myself, calling myself a fool for even thinking I can stop. Who do I think I am…
I don’t know, but I am going to find out. I will shut down that part of me that mocks me. I have to stop hurting myself.

[angie73]

Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I too as you may have read am not able to share my burden of gambling with family. I also struggle with trying to understand how I get sucked in by my thoughts to gamble. I have gamble free days or weeks, and then I somehow have my guard down, an opportunity arises and I am back at the bottom again. I have blockers on my pc, which have worked great- cant gamble. But on 2 occasions now I have had access to tablets, which i used to gamble on. So, after this weekends set back, I again am going to have to find a way to get thru for a couple of pays. But that is just the tip of the problem, it will take a couple of years to clear the debts. I know people say you should be honest with someone you trust and share the problem, but I truly do not have anyone who I could trust this with, so i do it here.
So Smee, lets do it together, lets not gamble, keep posting and sharing our way forward, good days and bad.
take care.

[angie73]

Remember this feeling.
If a next time comes around, where you want to gamble and have access, stop and read this.
The fact is, you wont win and you wont stop.
The sick feeling will be overbearing, the cold sweat of anxiety, sleepless nights, racing mind, shaking with fear, churning stomach, the shame and guilt, self disgust, your good future even further out of reach than the last time. Its not worth it. Instead, read this, remind yourself how you felt the last time you gambled. Do you want that feeling? It will happen, that’s a certainty. Do something else, go for a walk, have a nap, cook, eat and read your posts. You can get through this. Prove yourself to be emotionally connected and positively strong willed.

[angie73]

Hope things are improving for you, I have just been reading through my own old posts and re read one you placed on mine a while ago. Our stories have similarities, well pretty much in all the posts on here I can find things that relate to my life… funny really, people from all over the world going through the same life situations and experiences.
Anyway, I also have had another binge and reading through your recent posts it was all the feelings I am going through but find hard to get out, so thank you for sharing a part of your inner thoughts. You (and others) have helped me see that although our stories are our own, we all have similar experiences and emotions, reactions and responses to our lives. The support and advice that everyone shares here is wonderful. I am glad people who are well into their recovery also continue to share and support with people here. Take care Gov.

[Author]

Posts