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Thank you!
I know there are many ways to stay in the clear. Some that have helped me to be mentally stronger are getting back into fitness–sharper mind and body, as silly as it might sound, I’ve been doing cold showers and there’s many well-known benefits, which include mental strength, and being more social, which touches on one of the reasons I fell into the pit in the first place. Still have work to do.
This is all great news, Jonny. Awesome that your nerves in your right leg improved at the end of surgery. We often forget how many people care about us, as gambling places us in an pit of isolation.
I’d benefit from getting another counselor–seeing my counselor in Boise and this forum have been real helpful. Will see about finding one.
Appreciate that both of you checked in–means a lot.
quick update: navigated through the “stressful” move which ended up not being too bad. Now that there’s a little distance between my relapse, it is interesting to look at some of my earlier posts and the thoughts behind them. Makes me realize how much of a cloud problem gambling creates in our ability to see things clearly.
Charles mentioned that there is gambling blocking software that can be purchased for your PC and/or phone. Just something to think about if you don’t have the option of having a family member control your finances–any barrier in place to make it hard to impulse relapse is a good thing.
Just speaking for myself, but one of the reasons that I was able to relapse as easily as I did is because I wanted to try to fight this on my own, without the support of others. I tried to temper the damage after the first time she found out, which meant that I didn’t tell her about the checking account that I had which was still open and I would use in order to gamble without her knowing. At the time she found out (still talking about the first time), I truly believed that I could just stop using this account and my problem would be solved. For the longest time, I didn’t use the checking account. Then, I experienced some high stress stuff in my personal life and I was back in the “game” within an hour. From there, I spiraled out of control. During my relapse, I thought I was able to hide my behavior, but it was so obvious to my wife–just goes to show how sick our addiction truly is–our perception of reality is off from the truth.
So all of this is to say that it is critical that you have support one way or another and that you take serious action to prevent the cycle from repeating.
I was scared about my wife finding out, until she found out and it was one of the biggest burdens off my shoulders. No longer do I have to be paranoid, keeping secrets, and lying about my gambling all of the time. My one regret is that I didn’t initiate my recovery the first or the second time (I relapsed over the summer). I really wish I could have initiated my recovery, but part of the reason I didn’t is that maybe I couldn’t–I had a full blown addiction. Like you, I could control and refrain from gambling in short amounts of time, but it was always within the full understanding that I was only quitting temporarily in order to gamble again. I’d lose money, take out debt, and then build up in order to gamble again–rinse, repeat.
So anyhow, I encourage you to maybe explore the possibility that you are going to need the support of those around you, in order to kick this thing in the butt.
Charles makes a great point and one that I can relate to. I was never more sure that I wouldn’t gamble again than the time I did before my last relapse–which brought me here. Ultimately, I relapsed because I didn’t take my addiction as seriously as I should have, which meant that I didn’t do everything in my power to make sure that while in remission, I couldn’t easily relapse.
There are some interesting research studies that have been conducted as of late, which are starting to shed a new light on our problem. Many of these studies suggest that over time, our gambling has caused physiological changes and dependency which produce an effect somewhere in line with a high or an addiction to drugs. There are some differences that researchers are still trying to pinpoint, but all the same, I believe that as compulsive gamblers, it is something to consider in how we strive to heal. In my mind, it means that it is incredible difficult to stop on our own. For example, I have come to realize that the money part of gambling was not so much as important as the feeling of gambling and the reward of gambling–money is just a vessel to ensure an authentic high.
Just some food for thought.
Wayne,
I would recommend being open and honest with her about your struggles and maybe even refer her to this forum so that she can understand your mindset–seems there are resources here for friends and family of compulsive gamblers.
Is there anyway you can concede control of your finances to a close friend or family member? That might help to get you over the hump.
Just a quick update. No relapse. Been staying extremely busy. A new stressful situation is about to present itself, as we are nearing the time when we move to a new state for 3 months. That means seeing a new counselor, which I am bummed about. I’ve had two counselors and though I hadn’t realized it at the time, we didn’t connect as well as I have been with my current counselor. Again, bummed about restarting with a new counselor.
Excellent first post and so damn true. I know that I have done the same thing, rummaged through some old notebooks and have found gambling information in there. Real sad. I remember one time I found a notebook from my college days and I had jotted down some poker theory notes in it. Thanks again for the post.