[Chamomile]

Hi everyone, Thanks so much for all your replies.

Just a bit of an update –

We have decided to give the relationship another go. Its apparent from both of us, that its not the right time to go our separate ways.

My CG (who actually posted a reply in this post, in case you missed it) is committed to staying sober. He has stopped weed, gambling and alcohol. With one slip up this year on the gambling. This is a huge achievement for him. It shows me the fight he has in him to beat those demons and keep them at bay (with GA (his suggestion) and psychotherapy for him, but also couple and therapy for my own self). He wants to fight with everything he has (and outside help) to beat this for him and to save us.

We aren’t going into this naively, or blindly. We both know there are addictive tendencies there, and he has reached a point where he knows he cant continue his life letting them control him.

So, we are going into this, ready to discuss personal boundaries, and what that means for us and our relationship. Also about handling future mistakes, or slip ups.

I’m a bit worried that if he slips up, he wont want to tell me, because he may be worried i will walk away, which is what i just did. I’m not sure how to work on that one – because i think i struggle with my view of the tricky balance of working through slips up and upholding personal boundaries. But I’m hoping that we can discuss in therapy together. I think I just have to come up with a clear idea of what my personal boundaries are and tell my partner so he knows what they are, and what will happen if they are abused, I think it’ll help with them being clear to both of us.

So, we know there’s work to do, but apart from all the negative impact the gambling (and other addictions) are playing on our relationship, but we do have amazing parts of our relationship too. and there are more ups than there are downs, by far,

Will keep you updated with our progress.

Vera – you didn’t monopolize my thread at all – I appreciate all your input, and you really made sense to me. I’m going to making sure I am looking after me and my son, and Ill continue to make sure I take time for myself and Ill make sure I’m not losing touch with me as a person in all this too. Thanks so much!

[Chamomile]

Thanks so much for the replies! This definitely is therapy and helping a great deal.

To respond –

A bit of an update from me. So, basically, although I broke up with my partner on the weekend, we have still be chatting. Ive told him how all of this has made me feel, and he has shared with me about his feelings too….in person and via messages. We do communicate really well when we do chat; this never seems to be a big issue, which is good. Its certainly been an emotional week so far for both of us.

The situation right now – is that he, with all of his heart, wants to continue on his road to recovery with gambling (there is weed thrown into the mix too, but the counselor is aware of this), and he wants to get clean and gamble free. So far its well over a month for weed, and I think day 6 from gambling (prior to that was 30 ish days).

I am scared and worried about re committing, when I’m scared I will get hurt. We’ve broken up a few times before, and we’ve had the best intentions before to address things as a team, but we ended up at the whole place where this whole thread started from. But, I wouldn’t still be here, writing in this forum, or still discussing things with him, if I didn’t see there could be a ‘happy ever after’ in all this, and I know I still care, and love him, but I’m so scared to get hurt. However, saying that, I am prepared to look at possibly putting together a list of things I would need from the relationship to ensure I feel safe and secure. I’m not the type of person to ‘take control’ in a relationship… however, I kind of feel like I have too, but I don’t want to feel like I’m the one stamping the rules down with an iron fist – as that’s not me, and I’m sure that would drive anyone away. So I’m careful to come up with a list that is both ‘taking control’ and being respectful that my CG is also a human being with feelings. I wonder if I could possibly get some opinions on this?

So, if we were to get back together, I am thinking I’d need the following things (could be reviewed after we see how the initial period goes?).

If you have any other suggestions Id welcome it!!

1) I would handle the money, and have full access to all bank accounts and online banking. If he had cash, he’d be accountable for what the money had been spent on.

—–> He has already given me full access and is being accountable, even though, we still haven’t made the commitment to try again.

2) I would need a full credit report. This is because I need to see it with my own eyes. We have chatted about it openly, but I think for my own piece of mind, I need to see it in black and white (we don’t own anything together, nor have any shared finances) but this is important for me to know at this point 1. to make sure I know what the actual current situation is, 2. in case we would ever buy a house at any point.

—–> I asked him once tonight, and he requested the credit report within an hour.

3) He continues to go to counseling and GA (he has mentioned his first GA meeting is next week possibly)

4) Him and I see a counselor to work on each of our flaws.

5) Him and I will see the counselor together to put together a plan of what steps need to be taken to start telling truth, instead of lies, and possibly to see how we handle possible relapses, etc. Do you think its worth addressing the consequences at this stage too? So its clear where our boundaries and limits are?

6) I asked him what he needed from me and he said – He said I’m giving him everything he wants and needs – support and understanding, and he said accountability is a huge thing for him too, which he now appreciates now that I’m looking after the $$.

7) Anything else or suggestions to add? Ive tried to make it fair and reasonable, but also bearing in mind that we are fighting an addiction at the end of the day, but also dealing with humans.

Ive heard some people put in contracts etc, again – to highlight personal boundaries etc – what are your thoughts on these? Worthwhile? To extreme?

Thanks so much again for all the comments!! I have shown my CG this post and he is following and reading every comment out of his own interest also. He knows I’m approaching this decision reasonably fairly, so he realizes I am weighing things up, but also the advice around steps from here, will no doubt be invaluable for our further chats together.

Thanks SO much!!

[Chamomile]

Vera – thank you for taking your time to respond to my post! I really appreciate the time and the effort that went into your post.

Thanks for sharing your story. Its encouraging to see your story and to hear your descriptions of whats it like for him, from the CG perspective.

To anwser your question – I was washing his trousers and emptied his pockets before loading the washing machine. I wasnt even expecting to find anything, because at that point, my understanding was about a month gambling free. It was obviously a shock to find betting slips in his pockets, from two different days over the last week. I called him about it straight away. I was pretty rational and calm. Thats when he told me he’d gambled on two different days – once straight after the counseling session, and one another day that same week. Thats what sparked the break up, as he lied about where he was and didn’t tell me about it. He also told me earlier that same day, that he was happy that he didn’t have anything left to hide from me (we’d already been working on him being honest), but he knew in himself that he’d gambled twice that week, and didnt say anything. He later after it all came out, said he wanted to tell me, but he just couldnt get the words out. But he seemed to proud when he told me at that time, that he had nothing to hide – but he did.

I realise he is trying. He is looking at going to a GA group next week, and trying to be honest. Thing is, he has a tendency to lie about things, not only about things relating to his addiction. He realizes this too, and has admitted he is probably addicted to lying too. Hes lied to me about events in his life that aren’t real, or he fabricated them to make them seem better. He also told me he had tens of thousands of dollars that his mother was looking after for him, then he confessed (after I asked him about it again) that it was only $5000.

The pattern with us and our relationship has always been that – he lies –> I suspect something–> i ask him –> sometimes he’ll deny until he’ll be accusing me of making attacks at him (this happened more so when he was in denial about alot of things), other times he’ll confess to only half the truth, then later times after more questioning, he’ll confess more. The stories always seem to come out in little bits at a time. And now its got to the point, that I just don’t know whats true and whats not true.

I know in my heart, he doesn’t lie on purpose to hurt me. He lies to make himself feel better, or to hide embarrassment and shame. He also realises the damage thats caused to us.

Today I gave him the opportunity to tell me everything and anything he has ever lied about. Ever. Hes told me some big stuff, which I appreciate and I know how hard it would have been considering he had to say – you know what, those were lies. But I fear that this will be similar to the past patterns – he only admits his wrong doings (actions, hiding stuff, or lieing) when I confront him, rather than him coming to me to discuss. And I’m a pretty fair and rational person – he knows Id prefer to be hurt by the truth, than to be kept happy with lies. Yet, this in reality seems like he gets it, but chooses not to do it.

Just a question – do CG’s have a tendency to lie about other life stuff too? Even before the gambling started to present itself in their life? Or is that lying a whole other addiction? (Its so much, and to alot of different people, about all sorts of things, ranging from big to small?)

I guess in a nutshell (and sorry for rambling!!), Im confused as to whether Im just dealing with a gambling issue, or a whole other addiction which is the lying. I guess it’ll be a personal case by case basis, but interested to know how lying manifests itself with this disease, and it if causes the person to lie about other stuff too.

[Chamomile]

Thank you very much for your message. I will really look forward to your reply. I should add that our relationship was (apart from the gambling and all the associated emotional/financial impacts) was good. He took care of me and my son, and we were best friends, who had some fun times together, some of the best we both have had. He was always very open discussing his addictions (after obviously he got out of denial) and was well on the road for recovery and repairing the damage it had caused in our lives. He wanted (and still desperately wants) to fight this addiction and for our relationship. And now I feel he will have no support, and he will fall back into the gambling again, after all his hard work.

I sometimes also think – we all have demons to fight, so this is just his one. And he is really taking the recovery seriously, but this last time, just felt like it was the straw that broke the camels back. But yet, I still doubt my decision. I love him and he desperately loves me too. Yet, how can I be in a relationship where there is no trust? But it did have the intentions…

[Chamomile]

Hi there, I wasnt sure what to expect as it was my first time in the online chat, but its good to know that there may have been technical issues. I have read so much on this forum to know how helpful everyone is, so ill definitely try again. I didnt see your comments, except the one about struggling to log in, but thanks so much for your follow up message.

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