[danchaser]

Barriers. Hmm. That’s a tricky one for me.

I live in Henderson, Nevada. Basically, Las Vegas. They adjoin. There’s plenty of casinos in Henderson as well. I can look out my window and see The Strip. I can walk two blocks and be at The Fiesta Casino.

The other problem, I’m in business for myself. A business that generates a lot of revenue but has a small profit margin. I cannot just let someone else take care of my money. Impossible, unfortunately.

So…how does a drunk retain their job as a bartender without drinking? Because that’s synonymous with my predicament.

First, I have to stop gambling. Without this, everything else is an effort in futility. Secondly, as was mentioned earlier, if I don’t change WHO I AM, I’ll merely continue to be an asshole, just one who doesn’t gamble. Which, quite frankly, will eventually lead to gambling. Again, at least for me.

2-3%. That’s the percentage of the population who are compulsive gamblers. Why me? Why not me? I’m nothing special except to those who love me and need me to be well…at least better than I am.

So, in summation…can’t move, can’t have someone else hold my money…so barriers? Yeah, I’m fucked there. I’ll tell you what I can do though. Wake up every day and appreciate that I don’t have to be a slave to my chains. They’ll shackle me. I’ll feel them. They can’t be ignored. I can’t break them and there is no key to unlock them. BUT, I can do this very minute what I can do a thousand…ten thousand minutes from now…change who I am. Stop being an all-consumed asshole. Stop trying to blame life for “not being fair”, and giving me everything I want, when I already have everything I need.

I’m a broke (financial) snob.

I’m a wealthy (loved) person who doesn’t appreciate it because of the above.

Barriers? Being built in my minute 24/7. Of the building stops, I won’t be back. My life will have amounted to less than nothing. If there’s one thing about I know it’s this…I will do anything for those I love. Anything. If this means changing myself…how I think…how I view life, that’s just how it’s going to have to be.

Barriers work, I just have to use the mortar available to me.

I dont want to be ultimately defined by failure..addiction. By the grace of God and one part swing, maybe I can st least score the tying run in my lord that gives the team I love the chance to not lose.

[danchaser]

Barriers. Hmm. That’s a tricky one for me.

I live in Henderson, Nevada. Basically, Las Vegas. They adjoin. There’s plenty of casinos in Henderson as well. I can look out my window and see The Strip. I can walk two blocks and be at The Fiesta Casino.

The other problem, I’m in business for myself. A business that generates a lot of revenue but has a small profit margin. I cannot just let someone else take care of my money. Impossible, unfortunately.

So…how does a drunk retain their job as a bartender without drinking? Because that’s synonymous with my predicament.

First, I have to stop gambling. Without this, everything else is an effort in futility. Secondly, as was mentioned earlier, if I don’t change WHO I AM, I’ll merely continue to be an asshole, just one who doesn’t gamble. Which, quite frankly, will eventually lead to gambling. Again, at least for me.

2-3%. That’s the percentage of the population who are compulsive gamblers. Why me? Why not me? I’m nothing special except to those who love me and need me to be well…at least better than I am.

So, in summation…can’t move, can’t have someone else hold my money…so barriers? Yeah, I’m fucked there. I’ll tell you what I can do though. Wake up every day and appreciate that I don’t have to be a slave to my chains. They’ll shackle me. I’ll feel them. They can’t be ignored. I can’t break them and there is no key to unlock them. BUT, I can do this very minute what I can do a thousand…ten thousand minutes from now…change who I am. Stop being an all-consumed asshole. Stop trying to blame life for “not being fair”, and giving me everything I want, when I already have everything I need.

I’m a broke (financial) snob.

I’m a wealthy (loved) person who doesn’t appreciate it because of the above.

Barriers? Being built in my consciousness 24/7. If the building stops, I won’t be back. My life will have amounted to less than nothing. If there’s one thing about know about myself, it’s this…I will do anything for those I love. Anything. If this means changing myself…how I think…how I view life, that’s just how it’s going to have to be, because it’s not just about me. Thank God.

Barriers work, I just have to use the mortar available to me.

I dont want to be ultimately defined by failure..addiction. By the grace of God and a series of successive swings maybe…just maybe, I can at least score the tying run that gives the team I love the chance to not lose.

This is now up to me. My life to make it what I can. I just broke up with my girlfriend last night in order to focus on THIS. This matters more than anything in my life right now. I’m not surrendering to temptation, vices or the lies I tell myself any longer. The gig is up. Game over.

[danchaser]

Please, JT, include yourself. After all, correct or misled, the answer can only be found through searching…even grasping for it…at least I hope so. Because that’s what I’m doing, reaching out and hoping I find the answers, from within and without.

Your sentence resonated with me…the 1% of the time.

I’m in and out with gambling. I don’t stay all day. I can lose a year’s salary in 2 hours or less. I play fast, hard and for keeps. Just one little problem…the keeps. I never do. I can’t. I’m a compulsive gambler and enough is unachievable, because it’s never enough. Not the money or the high. My brain plays tricks. Tells me I’m being financially prudent..ah, no. I’m not.

Day 7. No problem. Day 8, we’ll see. Can’t imagine gambling tomorrow, but then again, last week I’d have said precisely the same thing

[danchaser]

Vera, you’re an angel.

I’ve frequented this site for years, on and off. As Charles said, and he’s correct (in my experience), once a compulsive gambler, always a compulsive gambler.

You know this too. You’ve stuck around, willing to help others. This entire time. Who does this? Why? I know the answer you’ll respond with…because it helps you too. Okay. I’ll accept that. But there’s more to it. You’re a good person. I believe most people are. Even compulsive gamblers.

I never meant to hurt anyone. I honestly didn’t. I wanted to help. I wanted the easy life for all of those I loved….just faster than working for it.

I actually believed I could make gambling part of my income. I always won. Almost always. Not in the end, of course. But those times, those ‘hot streaks’… I convinced myself I was “lucky”.

Wow. Where did it go…that lie to myself? I’ll tell you, straight through and back again. I focused on the wins. I like those. They’re fun, exhilarating. Such easy money!

In the end, all it cost me was my integrity, my family and possibly my life’s work.

But like Charles said, if he didn’t gamble, but didn’t change who he was, he’d just be an asshole who didn’t gamble.

Extremely profound and illuminating…insight. Vera, you exemplify precisely what he meant (as does he).

I read where 2-3 % of the population have what we do. What percentage of that percentage decides to help those in need, even though the reciticism rate is likely to be greater than most addictions? Very, very low, I’m sure.

At least for me, your decision to gamble and then stop…and spread the example of hope, mattered.

Thus, an angel. In the midst of torment.

[danchaser]

Kind words from people who have nothing to gain from helping me…thank you. It makes me feel a little less lonely at this time when I have never felt more alone.

I’ve been reading stories about people who have lost grocery money. Weren’t able to eat because of gambling. Makes my heart ache. This problem is so bad for us.

I’m around people all day. My children (on my custody days) customers, employees, my good friend, people I know at the gym I frequent, my girlfriend, family…all know that something is not right with me. I tell them I’m fine, but they know better. I can’t tell a single soul why I’m whereI’m at. So alone. It’s hard to go to bed and it’s hard to wake up. Concentrating is very difficult. Planning…forget about it. I’m lucky if I accomplish what I have to.

I’m lucky enough to have have food. I’m in the grocery business. Still don’t eat though. My appetites is nonexistent.

I can’t get past the “why” did I go out and gamble money I needed? I’m compulsive naturally. I didn’t need gambling on top of it.

I’ve been to GA. There’s absolutely no way I can complete the 12 steps. Impossible. Admitting what I’ve done? That would be like taking gasoline and a match to the remaining bridges I haven’t already burnt down.

Trying to stay positive for day 6. But failing miserably.

If I didn’t have 2 minor children, I would welcome death because I’m not sure I can come back. I’m not sure that I can redeem myself. I will try, however, since there simply is no other option.

It reminds me of that Cat Stevens song “trouble”. If I replace ‘trouble’ with ‘gambling’, it’s a perfect fit.

Gambling
Oh gambling can’t you see
You’re eating my heart away
And there’s nothing much left of me

Melodramatic? Maybe. I really don’t care. It’s exactly how I feel.

I don’t mean to depress anyone who is struggling to stay positive, but this is the end result of compulsive gambling. A broken soul.

Bring on day 7.

[danchaser]

Very depressed. Lots of regret, remorse.

I made a mess that you only I can clean up. This can only be achieved by not gambling. I just wish I felt more optimistic. Comes and goes…optimism, fear, hope, regret. Like waves.
Every emotion is tainted with underlying sorrow though.

One step at a time, I suppose.

[danchaser]

Day 4.

I have been reading some of the other journals here. I guess we’re not alone. We share this…frightening dilemma; this part of us we have to restrain. Some of the posts I read could have been written by myself. What a frightening addiction. Truly heart-wrenching…but also posts of newfound faith and determination. I truly wish to be on the latter party one day.

I’m going to do this, come hell or high water.

Never again. I will have to fight the toughest battle of my life, against my self…my urges and unhealthy thought processes. But I see that others have succeeded, so I can do the same.

I’m not going to let gambling destruction into my world ever again. The thought of gambling currently repulses me…please stay with me…this combination of hope and fear.

[danchaser]

Charles, if you don’t mind me asking, do you think you’ll ever go back to gambling? If not, how did you get to where you are and how do you maintain this? How does time affect your desire to gamble?

[danchaser]

Thanks, Charles, it’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling this much disdain for myself. That you also did at one time.

Safeguards is almost impossible for me. I’m self employed in the retail business. I handle the cash. All of it. I simply have to resist.

It’s the same every time. I go 1-6 months…years even. Then I tell myself a small bet won’t hurt. Broken record.

I hope with every fiber of my being this is the last time. I really lied on this one and I’m afraid I have to continue to lie. I could easily be exposed. Easily. I’m surprised anyone I told even bought that BS. So, so ashamed of myself. The mountain I have to climb…the mountain I created…isn’t going to be easy overcome, if at all. I thought all the other losses were bad. This last outing took a part of my soul, my very being, that I don’t think I could survive another.

I simply have to let the past losses go. I will never get them back. I’d be a fool to think otherwise. I’ve proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt. I have no control over myself when it comes to gambling. Not at all.

I truly don’t understand my thinking when I’m in “chase” mode. It’s like it’s me, but it isn’t. I’m scared of myself. Completely, entirely petrified.

I will continue to post as I have no other person/people in this entire world that would not disown me if I shared any of this. I appreciate the board being available.

[danchaser]

My life is void of worth. I could care less about myself.

What I want to remember if I ever have the wisdom to read this when I have that oh-so-good feeling about “winning some of my money back”, is that I made two of the most important people in my life cry today. They didn’t deserve that. They didn’t cry because I gambled, they cried because of the financial hardship I put them in. They don’t know I gambled the money away because I lied. A big, giant lie.

I’m a liar and I hurt those I love. Gambling has been a very destructive force in my life. It has been a vessel by which I have sold my soul, taken away the security of others and this means of providing for my children like I should and could have.

I don’t cry for myself. I gave up the emotional sobering of gamble losses long ago. Hell, I don’t even like myself any more. If I continue to **** up, I will never be able to raise my children normally as my mind will always be elsewhere.

Day 1. Again. Current asshole to future self…DON’T!!!

[danchaser]

I can’t quit.

I want to. I try to….and then I go back.

I wish I could go back and tell myself what was going to happen in my future if I didn’t quit. The lies I would tell…major f’n whoppers!!! OMG…the degenerate scum I would become. The things my children could have but don’t. The people I would borrow money from and not be able to pay back…including family members…especially my adult children.

I could have had it all. Instead I’m faced with having nothing. Why? Why do I do it? It makes no sense. I’ll go months without a bet and then lose enough money to buy whatever I need. Climb back up, then fall back down. I don’t know if I’ll recover from this last outing. It may have done me under financially.

I’m super glad for this forum, because if I wasn’t able to read some of the posts, I’d sincerely believe on a remote island of self-loathing and have no soul. Or is it that none of us do? That we’re merely patting ourselves on the back when we should condemn each other for our selfishness? I hope it’s the former. That there is hope, because if I ever needed it, it’s right now.

I have no more bridges left to burn. It’s put up or shut up. Hell has enveloped my thoughts and is slowly but surely becoming my reality.

If I look back years from now at this post and I am still gambling, I’d wish death upon myself. No joke.

[danchaser]

You are of course right, Vera.

Time is far more a friend than enemy. The proof of this is overwhelming. What I’m saying it is also gives one time to forget just how miserable the last bet felt.

It reminds me of my divorce, of which I went through a little over a year and a half ago (after 25 years of marriage – 4 children, 2 still under the age of 11). My ex-wife and I slept in separate bedrooms. We fought constantly about what a bad person she was convinced I was and I was convinced I wasn’t. She insisted I take (and I did) anti-depressants then eventually anti-PSYCHOTICS (stopped taking those in a hurry – if you want to feel real “crazy”, take those). Then she checked-out. Had an affair and finally showed her true colors.

When we divorced it was one of the most relieving days of my life. I left my over-sized, beautiful, comfortable home with a bed, my clothes and a television. Nothing else. Didn’t matter, I was glad it was finally over.

Fast forward to today…I miss a lot of things about my marriage. Time has robbed me of the reality of what it was. I have forgotten most of what drove me (and her) away. Time has enabled me to feel sad….regret, even.

You see, time works in my (our?) favor for both the short-term and long-term. Addiction, painful experiences, etc. cannot be addressed and defeated without time. However, as time passes I somewhat forget the pain and motivation that drove me to begin recovering in the first place.

This is my point. Time is an enabler if I allow it to be. Forgetting the feelings of absolute shame and regret can come back to haunt me with “it’s only a $100 bet, if I lose it, big deal”, kind of thinking. I cannot forget. I cannot allow time to dissolve what was and will always be: I’m a compulsive gambler.

I have to remember:

– When I gamble I financially harm those I love
– When I gamble, I lose who I am and don’t have the right mental capacity to properly love and care for those I love.
– When I gamble I lose myself to my addiction. I am no longer myself, but a shell of myself.
– When I gamble I take chances in my personal life that could end up costing me even more than money.
– When I gamble I want to be dead. Suicide is not out of the question, whether deliberately or accidentally.

Time is my friend, yes, no question. My addiction, however, uses time – thrives on it – wants me to forget what led me to recovery.

With this said, I feel that good news is happening for me now and my addiction better keep it’s head down and stay behind cover, because this time around, God is aiming a high caliber weapon loaded with hollow points ready to pull the trigger at first glimpse. I believe this because He’s shown me that it’s not my time to give up on myself yet. There’s a reason I must keep pushing forward.

[danchaser]

Thanks for the support, Pea!

I just have to keep reminding myself that time is my enemy as well as my friend. Every day further away from my last bet is another day closer to my next one. UNLESS I remember where I’ve been and where I want to be.

[danchaser]

One Month.

31 days.

My level of comfort is better. I have more confidence in myself. I don’t feel nearly the same level of shame and regret…hopelessness.

I give all the credit to God and will continue allowing Him to carry me when I can’t hold my own weight. I’m not a religious person or have that much faith, but I do believe a power stronger than my own lifted me out of the hole. So, I will continue to give thanks and try to be more receptive to this gift, as I know I am incapable of doing this alone.

[danchaser]

Looks like it’s day 19.

I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t post. Finally realized I had to log on..duh.

Amazing what a few weeks feels like under your belt. Not necessarily (or at all..in my case) financially, but personally.

I’ve had amazing things happen since I screwed up (gambling binge). Things have been positively opposite of what I’d have predicted. Life is going to be OK.

I’ll remain OK if I remember where I was and I remind myself that God has my back.

Don’t gamble. Pretty simple.

Not gambling. Not so simple.

Just typing here makes my shoulders tingle and my breathing and heart rate accelerate. Proof to me that I’m not better nor will I ever be “better”. I have a sickness that needs treatment constantly and continually.

[Author]

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