[DebG]

Brendan, When you are with your wife’s friend and husband, maybe you want to consider bringing up the topic first? Don’t give them the chance to judge you or make assumptions about what caused you to gamble. Tell them how grateful you are knowing that your wife has someone she can trust and talk to while going through this challenging time. Tell them that it means a lot to you that they can be there for her while you are seeking your own support to help you overcome your addiction. If you lay it out on the table first and admit you made some mistakes in the past, it will make it very difficult for them to be critical of you. (Easier said than done. I know how difficult it must be for you to talk about it, let alone be the one to bring it up in conversation)

And if I can offer one piece of advice regarding your counseling sessions…. as a spouse of a compulsive gambler, I can’t tell you the relief I felt when my husband went to his first session. It really showed me how serious he was about turning his life around. After his first few sessions, he came to me and asked if I would be willing to attend his next session with him. I’m still not sure if it was his idea or his counselors, but the fact that he recognized I was hurting too and he wanted to include me on his path to recovery meant more to me than anything. I’m not sure if this is something your wife would be interested in. Just keep it in mind while you go through your counseling.

[DebG]

First, let me start by telling you I am by no means an expert in this subject. Like you, I recently discovered my husband has a gambling problem. Over the past few years, he has accumulated $150,000 in credit cards and personal loans. It is crushing.
Others in this group may be able to provide more “experienced” advice, but I would certainly recommend not to let your husband use his free-play. It’s a great sign that he came to you to ask you if it would be ok, but his rational of it being “free” is off-based. For a gambler, it’s not about the money. It’s about the high they get from placing the bet. It’s the anticipation of the possibility of winning the next one, the next one, the next one. So while the $200 may be free, it’s only going to enable him to continue get that “high”. When the free play is gone, what’s stopping him from putting $20 in his account to keep going?
If he’s truly committed to getting help, he should look into attending gamblers anonymous meetings. They are not for everyone, but it’s a least a start.
I wish I could tell you it will get better soon, but be prepared for an internal struggle for the upcoming weeks. Like I said, I’ve only been dealing with this for two weeks, but in the last 2 weeks I have felt more emotions than I have in my entire 15 years of marriage. Sadness, guilt, loneliness, anger, resentment, exhaustion… But I’ve also felt strength, compassion and commitment to the person who I love very much.
Please continue to post. The most important thing through all of this is knowing you are not alone. There are others that are facing the same struggle as you are.

[DebG]

Shelly, I’m afraid I will not be able to provide you with any advice, but I want you to know that I know exactly how you feel.

I found out two weeks ago that my husband of 15 years is also a gambler. About 6 years ago, we really hit a rough spot in our marriage. I found out then that he started gambling. I took over the finances, we went to marriage counseling (but we only went 3 times before he felt we no longer needed it) and we moved on.
Things were great. Gradually, I gave home more and more control over our finances until he took them back over. Then, two weeks ago, I randomly logged in to one of our credit cards account and saw that he was taking out cash advances. My stomach dropped.
It has been the worst two weeks of my life. I’ve taken the finances back and what we owe is crippling. He has taken out 13 credit cards and loans behind my back, this is on top of he debt we were still paying off from 6 years ago.
I feel like the stress has be shifted from his shoulders to mine.

When I read through your post, I thought I could have written it. I know it is very scary to file for separation (I have not yet done that). But if you are absolutely certain this is what you want to do, you need to be sure to follow through with it. Don’t let him guilt you into staying with him if you’re not happy. You deserve to be happy Shelly. He will probably tell you that he will stop gambling and that he needs you. He is going to say whatever he thinks you want to hear to get you to stay. There’s a good chance that if he hasn’t taken the initiative to recover by now, he probably won’t after he’s convinced you to stay.
Would you take him back if he got better? If he started counseling and was willing to stop gambling? Maybe that’s what you focus on when you talk to him?
I’m sure this wasn’t very helpful and this wasn’t the advice you were hoping to hear… I really just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. And by reading your post, I realize I’m not alone either. We may be on opposite ends of the world, but I will be praying for you to have strength today.
Please continue to post so we know how it goes.
Deb

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