[Drat88]

Well done Nick, the posts later on in your journal seem a lot
More positive than those at the start. Clear proof that NOT gambling DOES pay! ??

Stay strong and keep on my friend

[Drat88]

Had a really long and busy day at work today. And a nightmare journey home. Got stuck behind an accident so it took me 2.5 hours to get back when really it should only take 45 mins. I got so annoyed I could’ve screamed but stopped myself because there were loads of cars around and I didn’t want people to see how crazy I really am.

My mind has been whizzing today. I’d have gambled if I had money I know it. Payday in 2 weeks time. The day after that I go on my 30th holiday with my boyfriend. I should be soooo excited but I’m not. I’m scared. I live my life being scared and I’m sick of it. I’m scared I’ll blow my payday money before I go away. Every single penny of that (and more) is marked for necessary bills.

I need to find a way out of this hole. Gambling is not the way but it feels so deeply like it is. My rational mind knows it isn’t. But I’m not rational.

Another day done. Stay strong friends.

[Drat88]

Online slots were my undoing too. Make sure you put blockers on if you can. I once stopped for a good period of time by going to GA and coming on here. Stick at it and it will work. Just don’t ever get complacent, the addiction will always be there even if you can’t hear it.

Recovery is about change and progression rather than just abstaining. Maybe now you can start to think about what you’d like to do in your spare time to squash that boredom? Seeing people or a hobby maybe?

Stay strong, we’re all in this together

[Drat88]

Hi Peaches, yes I’ve had a gamble free day, the first one of many more hopefully. I’ve just felt too tired to pour my heart out today, I haven’t had the strength required to really dig deep and say what I know I needs saying.

I spoke to someone at Gordon Moody today though, had a telephone assessment for their female programme which starts in January. I only actually live a couple of miles from where it takes place which is ideal for me. I‘ll Have to wait a couple of months to see if I have a place as they are very limited. I think that sapped all my little reserve of energy. 

I’ll be back in here tomorrow evening, got a real busy day at work so need to try and get a few hours sleep in for a change. 

Night all and keep safe x

[Drat88]

Hi Mark – thank you for your post on my thread, the one thing I have always managed to remind myself no matter how much of a dark hole I feel i’m in is that i’m not alone in this illness. I may feel like it a lot of the time as nobody who I really love will ever truly understand. But only another addict can understand which is why I know it’s so important that we use these forums and GA where we can and as much as we can. 

I too have woken up today with the hangover from my latest binges. In fact I can relate to everything in your last post; lack of eating, washing, withdrawing. Daydreaming about all the missed opportunities I had to put an end to the misery and take a step on the road to recovery. But didn’t. 

I can see that you are wanting to make positive steps to get active again. Just start small. Perhaps plan to go for walk after dinner this evening. And then set a goal to get out on your bike for half an hour before the weekend. Trying to accomplish too much too soon will only put undue pressure on yourself and send you into a really unhelpful state of mind. 

Hope you have a good day, one little step at a time

[Drat88]

Hi Charles, thank you for chatting with me in the group and giving me some good advice. Until our conversation I was very much counting the days til I’m paid so I can gamble some more and hit the impossible jackpot. You’ve made me  stop and think of more logical ways to keep my head above water, which is a positive move for me. I have lots of food for thought. 

There are so so many how’s and why‘s to my story and I think I need to let them all out in order to process my actions and figure out how to start my own recovery. Again.

I have a very quiet day in the office tomorrow so plan to use that time to post some more of my story and figure out an action plan of how im going to fill my evenings this week. 

[Drat88]

I agree with IDI. No matter how much financial ruin I have been in myself, if there was any way I could lend to someone else and keep up the facade that I was doing well, I’d go for it. I’m not even 24 hours GF yet and have about ￡50 to last me til month end. If I had a call from someone desperate for that tomorrow, I’d probably give it them. I’d then just think to myself ‘it’s fine I’ll figure it out, I always do’. The exact same thought I have after a massive binge with nothing left to live on for the month.

I also think it’s just another way of depriving myself. I have daily thoughts of feeling worthless and pathetic. I think other CG’s do too from the posts I’ve read. So maybe just another way of telling ourselves other people deserve more than we do.

[Author]

Posts