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Well we are on the fourth pay cycle. We had a promise that I would go to the bank with him to withdraw the money he has borrowed for train fare to work etc ( he says he still does not have a replacement card) . Monday 31 st arrived, I had altered my work day to give me time for us to go to the bank, he had said he had arranged a late shift. Surprise, surprise he informs me that his bank has contacted him to say that one of his debters have taken money out of his account illegally and that it would be Wednesday before it was sorted. Well I’ll give it to him, he can come up with some great story lines, maybe he should get a job writing for east Enders or corrie . So we are now in the position of he needs train fare again.
Yesterday when all this happened I said that we should go to the bank as planned, and that if he got a statement printed out, maybe I could believe this bizarre storyline. Of course he refused saying ” I’ll sort it ” . I reminded him that he had to provide this type of proof at GM.
Last night I told him not to ask for any money be it for train fare or whatever and that he had to take ownership and full responsibility for himself.
So this morning, he is still in bed, so I am assuming he is not going in.
Taking this action of nota giving him any money is frightening for me cos the job seems to be the only good think happening for him, he’s doing really well and has the chance of fast track training. So am I doing the right thing.
I’m going to work in a bit, but his dad is at home today. Our plan is that my husband will ask about work, and if he says he can’t go cos of no train fare, my husband will offer to run him to work on the proviso that they call in the bank for a print out statement.
I feel as though I am in a dark scary wood in the depth of night where I don’t know what is going to jump out. I feel really anxious this morning.
When all of this happened yesterday I felt physically sick, my heart was beating rapidly as if in panic mode. I felt physically unwell, it was an hour or so before I felt my body settle down.
My son has said that he feels as though our relationship is irreparable, that it will never be the same . I reminded him of how we have stuck with him and how much we have believed he can overcome this addiction, but that only he can do it. I told him we will always love him but that trust comes with time and he has to work at it. Clearly he feels low in self esteem.
He said he and his girlfriend are not together, but that they are taking things easy and still seeing each other occasionally, so what that means I don’t know.
I am hoping to check into the live chat tonight.
Any help would be appreciated, just to know we have done the right thing or not.
HopeHi Stacey, I am the mum of a CG which has been going on for Over eight years. I understand everything you are saying. Our son does just the same, in manipulating his access to money. He has his monthly salary paid into his account ( he won’t let me look after his finances) this month he has asked to borrow money as his bank card is bent and he’s waiting for a new one. He is very manipulating and has constantly pulled the wool over our eyes. Deep down he is a lovely sensitive person, but he lets the gambling monster control his life. Like you I feel exhausted, but what I want to say to you is that everything velvet says regarding protecting ourselves is so vital. I wish I had found this forum early on in our sons addiction, because the strategies velvet talks about have helped in ensuring we take action to protectt ourselves. Our son was in a five year relationship with a lovely girl who we have come to love as one of the family. There are no children involved, but she stuck with him. However, she can no longer cope with his addiction and has finished with him. As much as I was selfishly hoping they would get married as I would love her as. Daughter in law, I am glad she has finished with him, because if our son does not sort himself out she will have no life with him. Like your partner, he has stolen from her and us. Now he can focus on his problem and get sorted. So far he’s not doing that.
You are not stupid
D, you are a sensitive loving person who is trying to make things work. Like velvet says and I have had to take this on board, only we cN save ourselves and our cg’ s can only save themselves. I can believe in my son all I want, but he has to believe in himself S does your partner. Gamblers are very selfish people when it comes to their Addiction. My heart goes out to you. You will find constructive practical help here as well as emotional support. Take care. HOpe 1Well here we are again, pay day cycle 3. We suspect he has done the same again, no money, his excuse being his bank card is damaged ( he showed me and it was bent) and hes waiting for a new one. Five days and it’s still not arrived. He won’t talk. I have said that he needs to be open and prove where his money is going, I have suggested that since he is having problems managing his finances he should hand over to me. There is nothing forthcoming from him. He is just existing, going to work is all he does then is reclusive in his room. What a life!!? I am just plodding, we are doing our best to protect ourselves. The only money I have given him is the train fare, perhaps I shouldn’t, but in a way it’s for me cos I can’t bear the thought of him not being in a job and ending up at home all day. Our son needs help, but he seems blind to it. To me he is in the same position he was in before GM rehab. I really can’t see his future. No matter how hard I try to get on with life, I feel totally exhausted. That’s why I didn’t join the live chat last week, it was just a bad day where I felt shattered and emotionally drained. Hope
I know he is feeling pain, we do support him and we tell him we are always here to talk and to help him. It’s been a really complex journey.
I wish you well in your journey, and thank you for taking the time to post. Hope , hopingHi velvet. I have had a busy week , so not had chance to write. Our son had pay day on the 30 th, silence, no discussion re paying what he owes or getting the Apple TV back. He’s been very quiet and recluse like in his room. He was upset this morning and crying, but didn’t want to talk but he inform us that his girlfriend has finished with him. I have asked him what his plans are for paying his debts and the usual response was given e.g I’m sorting it. We have no idea what he is doing with his money,where he is at in his mind. How long. Ann
You know what, I loved that time with my daughter, we had a laugh and fun , but then reality kicks in as I just said, I am so weary and fed up. I just can’t help him, I know it has to come from him, but it’s heartbreaking and destroying my soul just seeing him mess up his life.ni want to detach from him but I can never do so as he is my son who was such a beautiful person and lovely soul. Where is he. Can’t write any more as crying xx hope
Hi velvet,
Yes , see Bridget Jones, light comedy, and fun. You are right. It is important to value and spend time with our other two children. Our daughter lives v
Close and we see each other a lot, so she takes on some of the worries re her bro.
Today was horrible, I knew about the laptop, he pawned it but didn’t admit it etc etc, then my husband went into our loung and the Apple TV and speakers had gone. My husband phoned our CG at work, he owned up to pawning, and said he would get them back on pay day. My husband challenged him in asking what right did he have to pawn what wasn’t his. CG went on to say he was struggling with concentrating at work and had chest pains. We have said, if that is the case go to the gp. What do we need to do. We have a lock on our study door and on our bedroom door. Do we need one for our lounge now?
I am going crazy. Where can he go? I really need help. HopeHi velvet, sorry I missed the session. My daughter made me an unexpected invite to go to the cinema and for a pizza. It was really good to switch off. ( Bridget Jones) !!!!
I’m staying strong about the money issue. He’s not asked yet for train fare but he has ten days before pay day. Maybe asking for the haircut money was him testing me?
I missed the live session as I find it so helpful.
HopeThank you velvet
Your words really do help me. I did not give him the money for the haircut, whereas I may have done so in the past.
He has gone to work today and did not ask for money, though he asked his sister for a lift as she works that way on. She knows not to give him money and she is strong.
You are right about the money, we have always spent on the kids and put them first be as we are trying to think about slowing down, we know we will not have the money when we finish work as our pensions are not as good as we anticipated.
I just said to my daughter last night that I feel weary, still looking after our 26 year old. Sometimes I just feel like packing up and moving somewhere peaceful.
I was quite low yesterday. I took a day off to gather myself and get myself focused. My husband is not his usual perky self, and I think things are getting to him.
Well I’m off to work now ( I work 3 days a week, luckily doing something I enjoy). Even though I enjoy, when I feel like this I feel tired and could just stay in bed all day, but that won’t help.
If only he could sort himself, but at the moment it feels like it’s going on forever.
In fact when he gets paid at the end of the month, will he do the same again, leave himself with no money, no life, so going out, no money for anything. What a stupid way to live. No happiness. I will be there tonight velvet.
Hope, and thanks once againHe’s asked for money for a haircut. He says he has money for the train tomorrow, but he usually leaves it until the last minute. His reason for having no money is that he says he’s been paying his debts off. I asked him if he could gives an idea of his arrangements, as it seems silly to leave himself without money, but of course he won’t. I asked him where his laptop was, he said it was upstairs, I asked him to show me, he didn’t. I told him he was deluded and just lying to himself. It makes me feel so weary . I was better than usual, cos in the past it would have been confrontational, but no point in wasting my energy. I know he’s got rid of the laptop, and so does he.
HopeWell, didn’t take long. He’s back at work tomorrow, he has no money for train or haircut and I know he has sold his laptop. None of this will he admit. Doesn’t get paid until the end of September, so what a life he is leading until then. He has been up and down mood wise what to do, feeling exasperated . Hope
My son is off work until tues next week. He is being
G respectful and helpful. But not communicative. I have been non confrontational and said I feel he has been gambling and has no money. But how can we support you to move in the right direction. I know his biggest block at the moment is not talking and getting it out in the open.
it is so complex. So hard Hope. Thanks velvet for all your help in the live chat.