[iamhere]

Well, needless to say this place has been deserted by the creators. Kind of shitty.

Anyways, just wanted to check in, all is well. Continuing the grind. Paying off debt weekly. Last month I paid off about $4000.00 of it, definitely is a shitty reality. What a waste of money, literally makes me shake my head and roll my eyes ??.

Another day forward, and further from the last!

I hope everyone is well ??

[iamhere]

HHHiii ??

OOhhh the big 21. what a fun age!
Nice to hear you had a good birthday. It’s nice to be celebrated ??

What are you currently taking in university?

Congrats on continuing to stay strong!! You’re almost at 50 days!!

[iamhere]

Well hello everyone (anyone)

Man, this site has become overrun by just spam messages. I feel like whomever was “taking care” of this site has gone on vacation and forgot to return ????.

Things are still moving forward. I’ve been soo busy with work, school, life I haven’t given myself much time to think about gambling. It comes into my mind when I think about this debt I’m paying off, lol what an idiot I am/was. Oh well, all apart of the journey. ????

I’m going to be joining a gym. This will be great for mental clarity, stress, getting some endorphins streaming through my blood!
Still working on this philosophy course-almost done an essay. ??

Well i hope everyone is doing well. ??

[iamhere]

Ommmmg!! Well done. A month down!! ????
How have you been feeling? I’m proud of you!

No betting in October too, right ?

Also, happy belated ?? ?? birthday. Did you do anything to celebrate??

[iamhere]

?? ?? ??

I booked my trip to Arizona at the beginning of this year. Hard to believe I’ll be on the plane in a cpl of days. It’s 41 degrees Celsius there, I might roast! As much as I was dreading/upset/disappointed/frustrated … all the things with myself about the money I wasted.. im coming around go feeling ok, and I’m looking forward to the “reset”.

Still going strong on not gambling, still working on myself and staying motivated and driven on the big picture. It’s getting easier. I read posts on reddit often, reading people post on how they hit rock bottom is terrifying. I’ve never gambled to the point I can’t pay my bills or mortgage. I’ve never dipped into my business account. I know the future for me if I don’t committ to quitting can only get worse and potentially lead to that. “Success is my only motherfuckin option, failure’s not”

Well, if anyone is out there checking in ??, I hope you’re doing well and fighting this fight with me. ????

[iamhere]

Day 61!

Apparently I was off by a few days, thank goodness for good ol’ google. The date stamp on this site always throws me off – I’m in Canada.

Fall has finally arrived. I’m heading on a trip in a few days for about a week. Looking forward to it, but also feeling like fml.. wish I didn’t gamble 35k away before a trip. The reality of it all still sucks.

I think the biggest thing that blows my mind right now is how my train of thought before would validate and support my gambling addiction. Like, depositing hundreds of dollars at a time thinking I’d win what I deposited before and more. Or, how money had little to no value, yet spending it on daily things I was frugal about. Or how everytime I’d gamble (after I had promised myself I wouldn’t).. I’d tell myself it’s ok, no big deal.. or how I thought gambling would solve all my problems. . Yet it has caused them all. I know I’m only 61 days in, but I am still 100% sure I will never gamble again. I feel it in my bones! ????

With all that being said, I am feeling the struggle and the pain of my choices, but I’m really trying to be present in them, and process all of it.

Each day I think of gambling less and less. I’m staying busy, staying focused, working hard! When I get back from my trip I’ll be joining a gym! ????

I hope everyone is continuing their fight and moving forward ??????

[iamhere]

Day 56.

I wasn’t planning on posting tonight.

I was having a disagreement with my partner tonight, and the discussion about money came to the surface in regards to how we would afford something that really was avoidable, and how this expense would be a lot for our household. More so- like what a waste of money. He looked at me and said: “do you know what’s a waste of money? Gambling, and I never say anything to you”.

Now in this moment, I wanted to say a lot, about how I make more than him, and I provide more for the household, or perhaps something like.. its my money I spend. BUT, that wasn’t needed, those things would have been said out of defense, and anger. The reality is.. he’s right, and I needed to own that, and I let him have the last words, because there was nothing more that needed to be said.

I fucked up. 100%. But I’m showing up, I’m going to do the work, and I know I will NEVER gamble again.

????

[iamhere]

Day 55.

“Keep showing up” that’s what we all have to do. Keep showing up – better, and stronger than the day before. ??????

I know my triggers, and it seems to be ‘boredom’, so when my weakest moments arise, what do I do? Remind myself what my future will look like If I place one more bet. I don’t want gambling to be apart of my life, let alone the story of my demise. So, I shall keep showing up, every day. Better and stronger than the last… I dare you to too ????

[iamhere]

Read this post today…

If you received $1,000,000 right now, would that make your craving go away.

The answer is: No.

You would still want to gamble and now you have an amount with which you can bet amazingly high stakes.

Imagining that high…

This is you addiction. Money isn’t the problem and it definitely isn’t the solution.

You’re fucked up, do something about that. Invest in some self-growth.

……

[iamhere]

Day 53!

Wowww!! Hi everyone! Thank you all for taking the time to write. It’s been feeling pretty lonely on this site. I’m glad to know there are a few of us checking in. ??

I think now I have been starting to feel the depth of the debt. More so, I think I also realize I’m a bit impatient. The random “maybe I could gamble my money back” thought has crossed my mind – not gonna lie. BUT I feel my head space has been so clear since I’ve been truly working on being more conscious.. I realize “what a stupid thought that is”.. who actually believes you can win your money back?? Answer: a gambling addict. Definitely has been grounding and very real letting that soak in. .. I won’t be gambling to win my money back, and I know the road to pay this off won’t be long, but will feel like an eternity. gambling will never be an option or even ever an answer to a problem.

It’s raining today. I finished work this morning, came home cleaned up.. now going to go work on this philosophy course!! ????

I hope everyone continues going forward one day at a time. ????

• This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by iamhere.

[iamhere]

Day 50

Well it’s been a cpl days since I’ve last written. I thought I’d take a break from posting daily. This site seems to be taken over by spam, and I guess who ever is operating it – isn’t too bothered ????

I haven’t been counting days, I had to look at my last post to see what day I was at – so thats been good. I’ve been focusing on my 5 gratitudes a day ??, my affirmations, staying busy with work and really being cognizant of the clarity my brain has been having not gambling!

I heard an ad on the radio today about online gambling. Literally made me cringe, I have read so so so many stories where lives have been pretty much destroyed by this addiction. . You don’t hear radios advertising drugs.. because you can’t see a gambling addiction and the awareness is much less, people have really no empathy for gambling addicts. I’ve also read many positive recovery stories, and those mixed with the bad have also been important for my mental clarity. The house always wins, you will never walk away with any money, and the time you waste, the memories you gave up making. . Those you’ll never get back.

I shall continue onwards, working on myself, focusing on what I have not what I don’t have, putting value back to money as well as giving myself some grace and patience as the mess I’ve made will not be fixed over night.

I hope everyone is doing well, another day gamble free! ??

[iamhere]

DAY 47.

I got so much cleaning done, lots of laundry/bedding done. Re-organized a few things. Cleaned one of the bathrooms. Crazy how cleaning literally never ends. I can appreciate the minimalistic lifestyle approach!!

I worked on som crafty things this evening. I’m hosting a party for a family member next week. Needed to do some vinyl things with my cricut. Meticulous/time consuming stuff, but looks so good after ??.

It was a good day, a day spent without gambling, and without the urge to do so. Each day I’m that much stronger, that much more committed to not feeding this addiction. ??

Till tomorrow. ??

[iamhere]

Day 46

What a packed day. Definitely looking fwd to sleeping in tomorrow. I have a full day tomorrow too. Cleaning, grocery shopping, re-organizint some things.. ugh I hate cleaning the bathrooms.????

I have been going strong. I haven’t had many urges or thoughts about gambling in the last week or so. Still just more thoughts of frustration towards my choices. Clarity is good, responsibility is needed and an appreciation for money needs to be re-gained. All the parts of my journey.

I hope whoever may be reading this (if anyone) just knows gambling doesn’t have to be apart of your life. We just have to make the decision to stop. One day at a time. ??

• This reply was modified 2 months ago by iamhere.

[iamhere]

Day 45.

Wow there’s a lot of spam on this site? Whose in charge of moderating these things? Are they on vacation? Or just don’t give a sh*t? Some have been sitting and waiting for dayssss.

I guess this site is really that inactive. That sucks.

I have been finding as the days go along my head is getting clearer. The hard facts of what’s done are real. Crazy how much of a fog gambling puts you in. Makes you have this messed up relationship with money, like it has no value. I have been working hard and should see a good chunk of this debt gone in a few months, but so f-ed up working this hard to throw money away.. gambling. So stupid. Definitely glad I’m never NEVER gambling again. The clearer my head gets the more real the situation is.

Looking forward to the weekend, the work week was busy. It’ll be nice to have some down time. It’s supposed to rain, which I don’t mind. The house could always use some cleaning.

Well hopefully the spam stops so people can utilize the site more. .

??

[iamhere]

Day 43.

Well what a busy Wednesday – one of those days where you go go go.. and yet it feels like you didn’t do as much as you had planned.

I signed up for a 5:15am workout class tomorrow. I have to be there for 4:50 am. Seemed like a great idea when I signed up for it.. now I’m questioning it all ????. Rather get a workout done in the morning, I already feel the burn!! Wish me luck!

I’ve been feeling less and less thoughts and urges to gamble as the days pass. I still have moments thay surface throughout my days that are filled with incredible guilt and disbelief of the money I’ve spent. As much as I dislike it, I need to acknowledge the value of the money I’ve lost. It’s a lot of money.

I have a vacation coming up to go to Arizona. One that I don’t believe I deserve or should be going on due to this money I’ve spent/lost. Such a mental mind game, definitely a lot if shame on my end.

I just remind myself that everyone’s journey is different, gambling has been one hell of a pot ?? hole, but this won’t be my life story. A small blip in the grand scheme of it all.

Till tomorrow! ??

[Author]

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