[izzi25]

Time flies as the world passes you by!

How are we all?

Wow, it has been at least 7 months since I last posted. There were a few times I intended to post, just never got around to it.

Quick update: In April I relapsed, prior to that I hadn’t gambled since October 2020, it was a good stretch until things went a bit backwards. The difference this time was I had all the tools from my therapy sessions to assess and review why I was going down this path again. Sure, there was a bit of excitement with the thrill of the whole thing but I know that I wasn’t there for the thrill. The truth is I let myself get pushed to go down that path again, my partner and I had been fighting on the regular and I was 90% certain we were going to break up. Absolute fear encompassed me and I went straight into protection mode, my partner controls all our money apart from what bit of spending he gives me. And I believed at the time that if we did have a bad break up he would not give me a cent and I would be left no where to go and nothing to show for my life. I wasn’t even gambling and I felt more dejected then when I would and lose EVERYTHING! So I went back, to try and win some money. This went on for about 2-3 weeks and then one day I just woke up while I was out gambling and thought Izzi, this is stupid and you know it! That also happened to be the same night my partner confronted me and I told him what happened. I also explained what drove me and the fear I had felt and at first he understood but lately his been telling me he thinks that isn’t true and that is just an excuse I tell him. In fact when I told him that the relapse was only recent he didn’t believe me and thought that I had been gambling the whole time and was just lying my way through therapy even though I literally had no access to money even if I was lying! We do very stupid and selfish things when we gamble and it turns us into people we never think we will be and because of that part he saw, there is a part of him that looks at me like that is my whole person, regardless of what my actions say about me now.

Since April I have not gambled, only once or twice I had an urge and I did not give in to it. Yet we have argued about money a thousand times since then, my partner currently gives me an allowance of a couple of hundred a fortnight and apart from that, all my money goes direct into his account once I get paid and has done so since November. Let me tell you that is a long time to have no control over your own money AND to not even consider treating yourself because you have to ask permission, which I was ok with at the start but now I find a bit demeaning and controlling.

I know my partner has deep rooted fear that at any moment I am going to gamble everything and put us in a terrible situation. The whole reason why we have money issues (for those who don’t know my back story) is because my partner gave me access to $30,000 even though he knew I was a recovering addict and I was never strong enough to admit how weak I was out of fear of coming across as weak. Long story short, I gambled around $20,000 over a period of a few months, we broke up over this and I started paying him back. When we got back together, one of the agreements was my pay would go to this and I would do therapy. I did want to have a financial agreement with him so I could pay him back but he said I could never pay him back because we were together and it would be like robbing Paul to pay Peter. He often brings up the hurt and destruction this has caused him and sometimes I say nothing, sometimes we argue because every time he brings it up I feel like his pushing me back into my past and telling me that I will always be that person. I know what I did and I need no reminder and because I do not bring it up, he feels like I got away with it (I think?). He won’t speak to someone, I have told him to speak to someone to help him walk through these fears and feelings because its hurting us and it is soul crushing (for both of us), he says he will but he has not (so maybe it won’t happen).

It has only been 4 months since I relapsed but I have been longing to have access back to my money, to come up with a plan where I give him rent etc and the rest is mine. Now this isn’t an urge or desire because I want to gamble, it is because I want to reintroduce some normalcy back into my life and just get back a bit of control. Money is the key to everything, without it we can’t eat, pay our bills etc. Next year I will be 40 and I don’t want to be ruled by this addiction anymore. I trust myself, this isn’t something I have actually said out loud but my therapy sessions really helped me look into the real root reasons why I gambled and what I was hiding from and I know I have made tremendous progress. Izzi this year, is not the same Izzi since she started gambling, she is free and hopeful for the future.

I really need some advice on how to get him to start trusting me again because giving him access to my money did not seem to win any trust as he saw it a condition of us getting back together. Now I have no idea how to make him understand why this is important because his response will say, if you want something just ask and I will buy it. If we had a joint account that would be different but my money goes into his account and I do trust him but there is an element of it that makes me feel controlled. From his point of view I get why he does it but I need some more control back into my life.

Even as I write this I feel like I sound selfish and crazy for even wanting to have this conversation with him. He said he would be willing to have a joint account if that meant only my pay would go into it and that way he could see everything I did with the money, so that isn’t a joint account, it is a watch Izzi account. Even now when the two weeks is over and I ask for a top up, he starts freaking out that I gambled (have disabled any access I had to gambling sites) and he knows I am spending the money because I come home with coffee, or groceries, or both. It triggers me every time he gets like this and it isn’t healthy for either of us. I work full time and feel like I have nothing to show for it because legally it all goes to him.

Any advice would be great, thanks for reading my post.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[izzi25]

Thanks Kin, it is just a joy to stay gamble free!

I have some free time coming up due to taking some off work to have surgery and my brain is already leading me down the path of the casino, if you only spend $100 and you turn that into $2000, your partner won’t even be mad, you could use that money, huh! What a load of crap! Gambling is not an honest way to make money, or to try and get ahead because it always bites back and I have spent tooo many hours licking my wounds.

Not sure what today’s count is, I do know when I posted last it was 107 days and I am glad to be adding days on top of that.

The best thing about being on the recovery road is finding yourself again and allowing yourself to believe in a bright and wonderful future.

Keep strong!

[izzi25]

Happy New Year Everyone ??

I hope everyone has been well and have been riding the gamble free wave successfully.

The past two months have been an eye opener for me, my sessions with my psychologist have been extremely rewarding and have helped me overcome fears, let go of things and just being truly honest with myself. My sessions and one desperate desire to stop gambling has really helped starve the monster and my urges are not often and very far between. I know I am not out of the woods yet and I am continue to work on myself, my partner and I are doing good and I am enjoying having him control the finances as I feel like that gives me breathing space, spent my whole life worrying about money and now I don’t need to right now. I naturally trust myself more and finding it easier to speak my partner about my urges and some of the things I discuss with my psychologist.

Last Christmas was the FIRST Christmas in over 10 years that I didn’t gamble, my desire to want to gamble over Christmas has always been strong but this year it wasn’t even a thought, or a need. I haven’t gambled since October 2nd 2020 and I feel incredible.
In about two weeks I have surgery and it is good to know that I have money to pay for it and I can spend two weeks relaxing, binge watching shows, reading etc and not even worry about wanting to go out and gamble with all that free time.

Sorry for the short update, I just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing really well and that it actually is possible to live a gamble free life. Deep down I never believed that was possible for me that this monster would always be part of my life as it was my present and my future but WHAT A LIE I BELIEVED! STAY STRONG EVERYONE.

[izzi25]

Thanks so much Charles that is great! I also think it is healthy to limit my access to money, my partner is just transferring what I need and when I need it. We are still ironing things out, as it is important for him to see I am working hard and serious about paying my dues and at the same time I don’t want to not be able to go out and have fun and continue to be a victim because of my decisions, cause it is still like gambling wins.
nBaby steps as you said, each day as it comes and I am still clean.
n
nToday was the first day I thought about gambling, it surprised me how it just hit me, I had today off from work and thought about where I could go to gamble. Strange because I don’t even want to gamble, or try and win some money, just habit of having some free time. I haven’t told my partner yet but I will tonight, I didn’t give in, they have just been fleeting thoughts.
n
nOn Monday I had a session with a psychologist who is helping me discover the causes of why I gamble, or more what thinking led to me wanting to escape or gain control of my life through gambling etc, I am hopeful that this will be really healthy for me and really help me tackle the urges.
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nIn two months time it will be another new year and I want that to be MY YEAR! So much can change in your life just from being gamble free for months and I am looking forward to seeing what opportunities that brings my way.

[izzi25]

Thanks so much for sharing that information with me that is great!
n
nWhich ones do you facilitate? I think there is a major time difference as I am in Australia.
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nToday is day 27 or something close to that and I still find myself processing what I did and coming to terms with that.
nI have an initial session next week with a psychologist to see whether we connect or not and I see that has a positive step in the right direction.
n
nMy ex and I ended up talking and I tried to explain to him the reasoning behind what I did and how I felt and how I feel about what I did to him, it was a very hard conversation and it took me a while before I could really get to the core of it and pour my heart out. He was really standoffish and I felt slightly intimidated and judged, which made communicating that much harder for me, as expressing myself isn’t something I can do freely, it is a big struggle as I just go numb. We talked things through and he really wants me to get help and be in my life as long as I continue to be transparent and get the help I need. He mentioned having my pay go into his bank account, which is not an issue for me, what I find difficult is the navigating of all that as I have expenses that are direct debited out of my account. And how long does this last, is it till he can trust me again? I mean this could be another 2 years or so before he does and he doesn’t want to open a join account, he wants it going into his account. It would make my life easier, if it was joint. We are going to talk about this on the weekend but I wanted to know what some healthy boundaries might be.
n

[izzi25]

It has been a few days since I have posted, things have been really busy lately and I haven’t had a moment to myself to jump on and share.
n
nI contacted two different counsellors and neither have responded, it has been over a week now so I will be on the hunt for someone else.
n
nI think today is day 20, looking forward to hitting the one month mark.

[izzi25]

Day 12 – the old me would have been so excited and proud of myself that I have remained clean and that I have money in my bank account, but I feel broken and lost. The toll my gambling has put on others, outweighs anything I could ever imagine getting myself caught up in.
n
nI am working towards finding a 12 step program I can work through, not sure if one is offered here? Need to make sure every day is a step forward towards recovery.
n
n

[izzi25]

Day 11 – the old me would have been so excited and proud of myself that I have remained clean and that I have money in my bank account, but I feel broken and lost. The toll my gambling has put on others, outweighs anything I could ever imagine getting myself caught up in. I am working towards finding a 12 step program I can work through, not sure if one is offered here? Need to make sure every day is a step forward towards recovery.

[izzi25]

My sister came over yesterday and we spoke about my most recent gambling stint where I lost my partners money, she said it was really important that I get counselling as there are some root issues that need addressing as well as joining a 12 step program which she wants to be part of, as she wants to be my support person. I am not sure how I feel about her being my support person, as it is really hard being vulnerable with her and she mentioned that my partner (ex) mentioned he wanted to be part of it as well (which gives me some hope that he still wants to be in my life). I told her that both are great ideas and one step at a time. I need to find a counsellor/psychologist and a 12 step program. I think right now doing a 12 step program out ranks and then with some time on side I can find a counsellor that works for me.
n
nIt was hard to share things with her but I figured that right now I have nothing to lose, since I lost everything anyway.
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nMy partner (ex) has decided to talk things out next week as he didn’t actually hear exactly what happened as he was too busy yelling and kicking me out and we will have a mediator so it will be a safe place. It really is hard for me to open up and vulnerability sometimes stops me from being honest but I know in order to be genuine to others and genuine to my journey, that I have no choice.
n
nRight now I am aware that the main focus is on my recovery but I can’t help but to have a little hope that my partner might want to get back with me in time and as I build trust up and as my actions speak loud. Most of our communication has been done through my sister which has allowed both of us to have a break and get some clear head space from the time spent apart.
n
nMy emotions are still a little all over the place and I am still numb with regret for everything I did and I feel like life will never be the same again, maybe this new normal will be better for us all, I have to believe that things will get better.

[izzi25]

Dear Diary, Today I can ***** the number of CG free days using both hands and I should smile because it is a small accomplishment, that although a baby step, it is a step in the right direction. Things should start to feel lighter and my head clearer as I attend GA meetings, ban myself from online betting and start to settle into my parents house. Yet everything feels the opposite, my small steps are not accomplishments, only reminders of what my new life looks like without him. Today when I was cutting up pumpkin to help with the prep for dinner, it reminded me of how “he” use to cut it up for me as I always struggled and even though I still struggled today there was no “he” so I sucked it up and I did it myself. I should be proud, but it is just a reminder that “he”, “us” are over, that the shattered pieces left behind by CG can never truly be mended, that apart of me will always be held up in that moment I once lived where “he” and “I” were together, we were trying to have kids and we were talking about marriage. And I know his angry and I hate that his love for me wasn’t strong enough to fight with me, or fight for us even though I betrayed him. I just hate how he immediately discarded me like an empty take away coffee cup and threw me in the bin like the trash he probably thinks I was. He use to say he would love me forever and no matter what, well this is the what and as much as I focus my anger at him, I know that deep down the person I am really angry at, the one person I am struggling to even contemplate forgiving is myself. They say it is best to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all, but I say it is best to have never gambled and lost, then to have ever placed a bet in your life. If I could go back in time and re-live our life together knowing it would still end the same way, I would choose to have never met him.

[izzi25]

Thanks Charles, will check what is on tonight and if any suit. Yes, that is my plan once I find one that I feel is for me.
n
nI am excited and scared about the steps!
n

[izzi25]

Hello ??
n
nYesterday I jumped into a GA meeting, I entered the session a little late and it took me a bit of time that they were talking about the 12 steps, as I was not aware of the steps I did find it a little hard to track, but it was a good start. It also led me to look at the steps and my understanding is you can do the first 4 on your own but from step 4 onwards you need a sponsor, is that true? Also I have NO IDEA how to go about getting a sponsor, especially with everything being online at the moment.
n
nLast night I didn’t sleep, everything reminds me of my partner and I just feel so heart broken and terrible for what I did to him. It makes me feel inhumane and sick and I wish I had defeated this thing a very long time ago. Let this be the rock bottom of all rock bottoms the final never again.
n
nHad a chat with dad today and it went alright, he believes me when I told him I have deleted all access from betting apps and anything that have me a way to gamble online and that makes me feel good that one person believes me even though I deserve no one’s trust. Before deleting my account against a betting account today I considered placing a bet, I came so close and I told myself it only starts with one bet and it isn’t worth it, I was so proud of myself for not going through and deleting my access.
n
nToday is day 4 and I look forward to day 4000 ??

[izzi25]

Thanks for all your comments, I couldn’t find it on netflix to watch unfortunately.
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nCharles, action is very important and that is what is going to show I am changing/changed, my point still stands that his actions were not justified, I didn’t post alot of what was said.
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nThe money was lost mainly to the stock market, I didn’t know what I was doing and all my choices went against how the market was going to react and then I tried to win some of it back by betting on horses, not something I do normally and I have already banned and blocked my access from the site I was using. I haven’t had much time to process much as it only happened the other day and my mind is still really foggy.
n
nOnline zoom meetings would be awesome, I didn’t know it was even a thing on this site, can you point me in the right direction please ??
n
nI also have a counsellor I speak to off and on and might go back for more sessions, for now though I will explore the zoom session and check them out.

[izzi25]

Hey Steph,

Thanks so much for posting it means so much! Yes you are right, even though he was really angry and was in complete shock. I am going past tomorrow to get the rest of my things, is it fine if I say the above stuff to him, not sure how to the word the whole you gave a problem gambler thousands of dollars and expected it to be ok. I have been getting lectures all day from my parents and I know I have to suck it up, every time I go into my room I see everything I have in plastic bags and it makes me sad. My partner got on really well with my older sister (who will lecture me the most tbc) and he loves my nieces, generally the routine is on a Friday he comes past to see them and pick up one of the kids for a sleepover with us. I heard his going over to speak with her, not sure what conversation will be like apart from them both agreeing how stupid, deceitful and useless I am. Great another stamp to add onto my book! I am not even meant to know and don’t know whether to say anything when I see him tomorrow if he even talks, he might bring it up. Oh everything just hurts now and I have alot of answers to give my family about how I lost the money but I can’t bring myself to say it. Everyone acts like my partner is too good for me and that I should try and get back to him but after yesterday I don’t know. Right now I am confused and lost and feel very alone.

[izzi25]

Dear Diary, If the emotions I am feeling right now would manifest from these very words then the whole world would combust! In fact I don’t even know how I am breathing and WHY FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY WHY I GAMBLE! Out of all the bottoms, out of all the losses, out of everyone that has been affected by my addiction, this time well this time the record has been smashed! And if I don’t keep typing and get these words out then I am afraid I will dive into an even darker place. Actually I think I am too heartless and too selfish to share on a public forum what I did because how do you tell someone that you invested all there money they gave you to hold onto onto the stock market and you LOST THOUSANDS and then to try and make up for it you bet on some sports and horses and then one thousand led to nineteen thousand. And look where you are now, you are a 38 year old pathetic woman who is now homeless, single and not to mention she has ruined her partners life (ex now). A part of me thought maybe we can get through this, after all he gave me the money knowing I was a recovery addict and I asked him on more then one occasion to take the money back and he said NO. But I can’t put this on him, I can’t put the way he aggressively reacted and how he was so close to touching my face with his fist, or the terrible things he said and especially when he said that I must do this as a living, find guys online, take there money and ruin their lives as none of this between us was ever real. And I can’t blame him when within 5 minutes of telling him what happened (he accused me of lying and wouldn’t let him show him how I lost most to shares) had already messaged my sister and my brother and God knows who else. That in between him throwing my things out and yelling at me for the whole neighborhood to hear that I am a gambler and a thief and everything else he said. That when he threatened to hunt me down until I paid him back that it is all justified because I did something so terrible, I broke his heart, trust and broke his bank. That I have no right to feel sad over my actions, after all I sabotage everything right! I am just a failure and now my siblings need time to process everything because I have broken their hearts. And even though I really thought that I found the love of my life and that we were going to get married and have children that shedding a tear over it is fake because how can I be sad over something caused by my own actions. There is no BEST TO COME now Izzi, there is no “happy days!”. This is the ultimate betrayal and now you have made enemies and they might even come for you. Yeah they probably will because you deserve it.

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