[jennaraye88]

Thanks for your post on my thread and the positive feedback for my poem; I was quite chuffed with it ??

You are totally right, the very short lives thrill that gambling brings me is sooo not worth the aftermath of destruction. Must keep looking forward.

Glad to hear you’ve got a day with your son to look forward to, children make the world seem so much more simple. I don’t have kids myself (yet – hopefully some day) but my young niece and nephew being me so much happiness. Everything is so black and white, and so very innocent through the eyes of a child. It’s so refreshing ??

Keep up the positive energy Mav, it’s infectious!

Speak soon, J

[jennaraye88]

I am currently sat in my office at work just wishing the time away. I have noticed that since the “cloud has lifted” I find myself desperate to spend time doing things I actually want to do and being around the people that I really care about. Funny how when I was in the depths of gambling it was the only thing that mattered to me. Nothing and nobody could come close to my bestest friend, the online slot.

Perhaps it’s partly because I feel I have wasted so much time, precious time that I could have spent doing something productive or helping others. So now I find myself wanting to make up that time and continuously clock-watching until I can get out of here!

I’ve not tried any form of creative writing before, but reading some of the posts in the poetry section has inspired me to see if I can get some creative juices flowing. So here’s my first attempt, it’s called “Time”…

We cannot see, smell, hear or touch,

But we can feel, cherish and waste so much.

No amount of money will ever be able to buy this,

Not a diamond, not a prayer and not even a wish.

It will always be priceless and must be handled with care,

It is something to keep and yet something you must share.

Some say it has a magical power and that it can heal,

Others want more if it and will even resort to steal.

We are not all given the same amount, in fact some very small,

Which is precisely why we should try and remember it all.

It will seek to pass you by in the blink of an eye,

It will come and go without a chance for your goodbye.

But whilst everyone on here has such a mountain to climb,

We can all be grateful that we still have precious time.

[jennaraye88]

Feeling a little more optimistic as the days are passing me by, which is strange considering I am awaiting dates for a couple of pretty serious operations. As i’ve mentioned before, I had a pretty nasty car accident in February 2014 (not my fault) and as a result my ankles are pretty messed up. So the upshot is that I need each ankle repairing and metal pins put in place. They’re going to operate on one at a time and leave about a six month gap in between, just waiting for a date for the first one, should be within the next 6 weeks.

Whilst i’m obviously apprehensive about the actual operations, i’m actually looking forward to the fact that i’ll be in different casts for 9 weeks following. This will mean that I have a good 2 months of relaxing and rehabilitation, as well as two months where i’ll barely be spending any money!! I haven’t had that much time away from my office for 10 years! Excellent. Of course i’ll need to make sure that the barriers I have in place are watertight – i’m an onliner so being at home and potentially a little bored for such a long time could involve unprecedented amounts of damage. But I am working hard to make sure there is absolutely no way I will let that happen. I’ve got Netflix at home so I am planning on getting stuck into a good drama series.

Had a lovely chat with the fella last night. He came round to see me at my parents house for a couple of hours and bought Krispy Kreme doughnuts with him!! Naughty boy. so we had a cup of tea and shared the sugary snacks whilst talking about all the decorating we’d like to do in his house when I move in after Christmas. It was so nice to have a normal adult conversation and actually get rather excited about colour schemes and furniture styles. 7 months and counting – I can do a fair amount to dent the masses of bills before then. I have done the sums and it is totally achievable. As long as and only if – I do not gamble!

I still very much miss spinning those reels though (last spin was 01.06.15 so we’re on day 9). Whilst my reasoning (in my head) was always to try and “win back” my losses to pay towards debt, there was definitely a part of my brain that thrived on the rollercoaster of emotions that I would ride for hours on end. I certainly do not miss the aftermath of depression and self loathing though. The pounding heart, sweaty palms and headaches. The nights sat up in my bedroom til 3am with the lights off. I really don’t want to be back in that place, I have so very much to look forward to if I can just focus on the real life that is staring me in the face right now and the the online cyber life where I win millions in jackpots and live in a mansion.

Thing is, if I can stay on the right track of recovery, there’s no reason why I can’t make my own very real fairytale. I have all the ingredients for a happy, comfortable life with my amazing chap. Just gotta keep remembering that every time I feel an urge to feed the addiction. I cannot win because I cannot stop. Ultimately, no good can ever come from those spins.

[jennaraye88]

Just wanted to say well done on the century achievement -I’ve not posted on your thread before, but have very much enjoyed reading your posts.

You have a very witty way of describing your daily life and it has made me smile at times when I felt nothing but despair. Thanks for that ??

[jennaraye88]

I have just read through your thread and like many people on here I can relate to every word. I am also a slave to the dreaded online slot. Those secret spins that send us into a world of ups, downs, elation, depression, excitement, desperation… All within the space of hours or even minutes.

I too made a promise to myself that I would stop. Several over the last 5-6 years in fact. But have continued to binge every now and then and continue to feed the downward spiral.

I think it was gov that said this illness feeds on those that society would not expect to be vulnerable; the successful, confident, driven, control freaks of the world! And whilst this probably describes me quite well (outside of my regular gambling binges) I know that anyone can be vulnerable to the grips of this addiction.

Whilst it is very important to take one day at a time, I have found it also helps me if I try and make a plan. Something to remind me that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I have set up a spreadsheet detailing my monthly pay and all my bills for the next 6 months, and whilst I still won’t be anywhere near debt-free, I should be able to perhaps treat myself to a break away or a little shopping spree. It’s keeping me going for now.

I think I saw you say that you used to like to keep fit? Perhaps you can do some research and set yourself a weekly training plan that you can do from home. The benefits of this are many: using time productively, keeping body and mind healthy – and it’s free!!

Just some suggestions for you ??

Thinking of you my fellow rollercoater rider; we can a will beat this!

[jennaraye88]

Thanks for keeping an eye out, this place is full of support, I shan’t be neglecting it again!

Yes it does change an awful lot… I stay with the fella most weekends anyway and some nights in the weeks when he’s not working away. I have never ever gambled when I’ve been with him or in his house… It’s like I feel more relaxed in his space than I do when I’m at my parents house. It sounds really odd but it’s like my parents house is already full of my secret sins. It’s tainted. It’s a place where I can self destruct and not really give a damn.

But when I’m at my fellas house it feels sin-free, innocent and full of hope. Untainted by my secret binges. I feel so much more comfortable there and happier with myself and who I am.

I never want that to change. I never want what I have got with him to change.

[jennaraye88]

Hi all

I’ve not been on here for a little while since my last lapse on payday… I gambled for a couple of days and I know exactly why it happened. It’s so easy to notice when I look back with a slightly clearer mind, but that never helps at the time.

A week or so ago, after I had promised myself I would no linger let this wretched illness control me, my amazing boyfriend of 18 months asked me to move in with him once he is settle into his house after Xmas this year. So in about 7-8 months time. I was so thrilled, he’s always struck me as a bit of a commitment-phobe so this gesture meant so much to me and filled me with happiness, hope and excitement for the future. For OUR future. I would be able to leave my parents home for the first time in my 26 years on earth. Independence and a loving home with my man ??

But the excitement soon wore off and the dread began to settle in. How on earth would I ever manage, in 7 months, to drag myself out of the ￡3k overdraft I constantly live on and pay off another ￡20k in CCard debt? There had to be a quick way out. any easy option. Patience and perseverance was not an option. I simply had to get myself completely debt free before I moved in with him and had contribute towards bills, food, furnishings etc. And of course we would want to save together so that we can buy a home of our own a few years down the line…

I had already self-excluded from my usual online slot haunts and blocked access on my pc. So i went onto my phone apps. found a site, registered, deposited and started spinning. ￡100 turned into ￡1500 – excellent, halfway paid my overdraft. But that’s not enough, I need more. Maybe I can double that and clear the overdraft altogether! Maybe I can even pay off one of my cards in full. Maybe I can clear all my debts!!

Of course not. Never ever ever. I cannot win, because I cannot effing stop!

All I am ever left with after one of my many many binges, is a racing heart, sweaty palms, headache and empty bank.

The ‘winnings’ went, as they always do. And I was back to square one with only a pocket full of change on the first of the month and 4 weeks to wait until my next payday. Fortunately I had some expenses due from work so this couple of hundred should see me through June. Just about. Until next payday, when the “adding, subtracting, moving, borrowing from one to pay the other” process starts all over again.

Surely this cannot be what the rest of my life has in store for me? If it is, then I think i’d rather just give up now.

I have thought about debt management plans and what not, but if I go down that route I haven’t got a cat in hell’s chance of getting a mortgage in the next 5 years and how would I explain that to my fella? (I know we all have different views on who to speak to and when, but I simply cannot tell him. He is an amazing guy but i just know he wouldn’t understand this. Depending on how my recovery goes, I know deep down I may never tell him.)

So the only way for me to get through this is commitment, perseverance and patience. That elusive patience… I have very little. But the possibilities for my future are potentially endless! It could be incredible! But it could so very easily be a complete disaster. And that’s what scares the hell out of me. It’s too easy to ruin everything in and instant.

[jennaraye88]

Despite writing here this morning and being so determined not to do it, I gambled today. I paid my bills and I still have a little money to get me through the next few weeks til the next dreaded payday, but only enough to scrape by.

I put blocks in place but they were not enough. I feel like such a failure, could last 24 hours after being paid. Pathetic. We are in exactly the same position Lauren – about ￡200 left in OD credit to see me til the end of June.

I want to hide away and sleep for the next few weeks. To exclude myself from all life. But I know I can’t, I have a boyfriend I adore and he deserves my weekends after working away every week. I must make the effort with him. I want to make the effort with him.

I also must go to work. I have bills to pay and unfortunately despite my hopes for a massive win today, they won’t pay themselves.

Starting over again. Again.

So disappointed in myself.

[jennaraye88]

ok so it’s payday for me today. I got up early and paid all my bills, calculated how much I would have “spare” to last me the month and then wondered if I might be able to double that somehow. Triple it even. Maybe I could even find a way to make all my debts disappear. Even as I am sat here typing this I can see the reels spinning in my head.

But I know I mustn’t. I know that the only way I can get out of this hole filled with debt, despair and disappointment is by being patient and doing things the RIGHT way.

I keep trying to remind myself that the buzz I get from depositing and spinning in no way compares to the hell that follows. When i’m in the grips of this addiction, I barely eat, I barely sleep and I don’t look after myself at all. I would hide away and stay up til all hours in my room spinning away. I would switch all the lights off so nobody could see that I was still awake at 2am, 3am, 4am.

I’m feeling very vulnerable right now. I really want that escape. The mental strength that recovery takes should never be underestimated, I like to think of myself as a strong minded woman in nearly every aspect of my life. Apart from this one of course. I have no control. No strength. No power from within.

[jennaraye88]

Hi Mav

Been thinking of you today, hope yours and the little ones eyes were truly lit up at the museum ??

Speak soon x

[jennaraye88]

It’s still very early days for me but so many people on here comment about how much they value the non-materialistic things in life once the gambling is stopped. Time with family, catching up with friends, gardening, cooking. It’s all so humble and yet inspiring.

You’re right, society has made us all think that wealth and success can be measured by holidays, houses, cars, possessions. But no matter how cliché, the best things in life really are free.

Well done on your recovery, keep strong and keep posting x

[jennaraye88]

I’m only on day 4 at the moment at the sleepless nights and wicked dreams are haunting me too. I worry every waking moment that I’ll let my guard slip just a little and be back to square one. A familiar place for me, square one. Like yourself I would abstain for a few months in a row at times, but I would always find myself back at that lonely square.

It’s payday for me tomorrow so I am not envisaging a good sleep, although all the barriers are in place so hopefully I can make it through tomorrow, just one day at a time.

I’m not a religious person at all really, but I do feel that these things are sent to try us, and like you say, we are very strong for being able to admit to this illness, seek help and hopefully recover.

I hope you are getting on ok, look forward to seeing more of you on here x

[jennaraye88]

On the face of it I’ve not had a bad day; banter with my colleagues, productive with work and even got a little early finish for the day.

But behind the eyes I have been pretty numb. I’m getting so tired of the constant self-loathing, from the second I wake in the morning i am cursing myself and hating my actions. It’s like the rational part of my brain has taken a step away from my body and is now looking down on the mess, pointing and grimacing.

Tomorrow for me is payday. This would be scaring me senseless were it not for the fact that I have barriers in place that make it close to impossible for me to gamble. It’s so odd, I can’t remember the last time I got paid and didn’t log on to play slots the very same day… It’s kind of like a relief though. At least I know I’ll have money to last the month, not a lot but it’s better than nothing at all. My boyfriend and I are going for a curry with another couple on Saturday night, it wil be nice to not have to make excuses for noting going… I don’t feel well, I’m seeing a family member that night… I need to look after my mum she’s sick…

Actually speaking of money (or lack of) I have put together a repayment spreadsheet for the next few months to try and stick to. I’d like to get out of my overdraft first whilst still keeping up payments on loans and credit cards (minimum payments usually!!) I have calculated that it will take about 5-6 months before I won’t need my overdraft and can cancel it – do any of you know if my bank can cancel my overdraft if they see that I am knee deep into it every month??

Anyways, I hope you are all having a good day so far and are continuing to stay strong. Thinking of you all whilst on this crazy journey of discovery x

[jennaraye88]

I have read through your thread and feel inspired by your positivity and new found freedom/outlook on life. Every post from every person on this site gives me a glimmer of hope for my own (hopefully clean) future.

In one of your posts you say “just for today I will try not to fix my whole life problems at once”. I can totally relate to this. I am only on Day 3 and yet my head cannot stop spinning trying to find a way to make everything better over night. One of the many reasons I gambled I suppose – I stupidly thought it would be a “quick fix” solution.

Patience is not something I am very good at, but I shall have to learn very quickly in order to get myself out of this financial, emotional hole that we all find ourselves in.

Anyways, thanks again for your thread – just like many others it makes me smile and gives me hope.

Sending love and strength x

[jennaraye88]

It took me a day or two after my last big loss to finally self exclude! I kept trying to tell myself that they owed me that money back! It wouldn’t have mattered if I did win it though – it would have gone straight on more spins and the whole cycle would start again.

May I suggest you put some other blocks in place? I am only on day 3 clean at the moment and very much still in the “bad hangover” period of feeling utterly terrible. I know this feeling will eventually fade so have put other measures in place – cancelling use of my credit cards and putting a gambling blocker on my laptop. I will also be making sure that if, by some miracle, I come into unexpected money – it will be going into someone elses account where I cant get a hold of it.

One thing I have learned after 6 years of binge-quit-relapse-binge-quit-relapse-binge etc., is that we cannot let our guard down. There is no “cure” for us unfortunately, we have to show this addiction that we mean business and never EVER make that first best – because you can guarantee it wont be our last.

Keep your chin up and look forward to a brighter, happier, more sociable gamble-free future… I know I am ??

Sending strength and love x

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