[jennaraye88]

Thanks for your kind words in the early days of my recovery.

I have thought about seeking psychological help, I would like to know the underlying cause of my gambling… although i’m pretty sure I have a good idea where it all stems from.

I am the youngest of 3 children and yet I’ve always been the shoulder to cry on, the “strong” one. Not only for my brother and sister, but my parents too. Every one of them have dealt with huge issues in their life (drugs, jail time, affairs, alcoholism) and yet miraculously I did well in school and managed to pave an amazing career for myself.

By 20 I was invincible. Nice car, great job, plenty of money to enjoy by treating myself to expensive hair do’s and designer clothes etc. To everyone on the outside I had it all. Yet the second I got home, it was a different story. SO many issues with all my family members and because I was the only one that was “doing well” in life, they used me as their emotional punchbag.

I love my family to the end of the earth and back, and I would do anything to help/support them for the rest of my life. But when I look back, I know that getting into the grips of gambling was my escape from them.

Six years later and they have moved on with their lives, no more jail time, affair is forgotten, no more alcoholism or drugs etc. and yet I am still paying (in every way) for the emotional burdens I took on to help them.

They know i’m in debt because of gambling, and i’m sure they would write me a cheque if they could but that’s not the case. I don’t think they realise that being a CG is a progressive illness though; I have tried to explain many times but they cant quite grasp it.

Either way, I have decided that now is the time I be a little bit selfish and concentrate only on myself. I simply cannot take on more than is already going on in my head.

Look forward and never back.

Wealth is not measured by your bank balance

We’re here once, make it count

I cannot win because I cannot stop

For today, I will not gamble.

[jennaraye88]

Hi Lauren – you are not stupid at all, none of us are! This gambling addiction does not care how old/young you are, what colour you are, whether you’re a great worker or not, if you have a family or not etc. etc. it will attack anyone it can and will hold on relentlessly until we find the strength from somewhere deep down to shake it off!

I’m only just coming to the end of day 3 clean, and whilst I am still utterly devastated at what I have done, I am also learning a lot about who I really am and I cant wait to be that person again.

This disease makes us all do terrible things, I have lied, cheated and stolen from my own family. It’s something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and never truly understand why I did it.

Please just look deep inside at the person you know you really are, focus all your energy on being everything you want to be when being a CG no longer controls you. You can do it, we all can – there’s lots of living proof on this site.

Sending you love and strength x

[jennaraye88]

I slept a little better last night, not necessarily because I was feeling any better, just exhaustion finally got the better of me.

I’m finding that every waking moment and most of the sleeping ones are still consumed by thoughts of gambling. Although not actually wanting to gamble, just everything that has happened as a result. My mind keeps spinning and spinning… What if I hadn’t of done this and why didn’t I just do that. It’s sending me potty!

When I read all of your threads I see that I am quite young compared to many… And whilst you lovely people would take that as a positive, in that ‘at least I’ve realised and sought help now’… It actually makes me more scared. I’ll tell you why, I look at what I COULD have later in my life… My own lovely home, marriage, family, savings, nice holidays. And I think to myself, I’m sure all my fellow GT members had the same hopes for their future, but this disease has eventually ruined their chances or taken it all away. I am petrified that I’ll look back in another 25 years and still be in the same position I am now – if not a lot worse.

After all, the lower our expectations, the lesser our disappointments. This addiction makes me want to have no hopes and dreams and no expectations from my life on this earth at all. It makes me want to continue to push people away from my destructive ways and tell them to stay away for their own good.

I have got a glimmer of hope on he horizon as far as my financial situation is concerned. With no help or windfall it would likely take me a good 5 years plus to pay back what I owe. But I was in quite a serious non-fault car accident last year and am due to have operations next month on my ankles. I’ve also had to have many other treatments for damage to my neck, shoulders and back. As a result, I could be due a fairly decent compensation payout in a few months time; this could potentially clear my debt and leave me with a little bit to put away for a house deposit. In an ideal world it would have all been towards a house but clearing the debt is obviously my priority. I will have never seen that sort of money in my account before, I really hope my plans for it go ahead, I’ll never get that sort of lump again in my life and I don’t want this addiction to steal it from me and what could be my future ?? I think I’ll ask my mom to hold the remainder in her account for me once all my debt is paid.

Most people look forward to their future, but mine scares me senseless.

[jennaraye88]

Hi Andrea – just like happy I can also relate to your story. So similar to mine – started with a few quid on bingo and ended up losing my life to slots.

I’m on day 2 of recovery and still very much feeling the hangover of my actions.

Seek professional help for this wretched disease – we cannot do it alone. You have made the first huge step by posting here and will receive support from many others who are or have been exactly where you are now.

First thing to do is vow to not feed the illness any more: put blocks in place so you can’t go back there – then you can look at how to cope with moving forward from this. You can do it – there are many people on here who are living proof.

Stay strong and keep your head up, sending you love x

[jennaraye88]

As much as I respect Charles’ advice to be 100% honest, I don’t want gambling to be who/what I am – just a part of what will some day hopefully be my distant past.

The way I see it… We all have skeletons in our closet – every living person. I wouldn’t expect him to list out all his past mistakes and wrongdoings; so why should I.

The gambling part of my life has only affected me personally, if it were to ever (god forbid) affect him then I agree that I should tell all.

Take the CG part of my life away and I’m a very selfess, funny, successful young businesswoman. This is the woman he fell in love with. I have lost my confidence on myself recently and don’t particularly like myself… If I also had him looking at me differently I’m not sure id ever learn to find and love the REAL me again.

I will not let the addiction win. I will not let it determine the rest of my life. I will work hard to make myself the person I know I can be.

[jennaraye88]

Hi liberty

I’m new here and and started my day 1 forum yesterday so I’m on day 2 – nearly over now. This post struck a cord with me because yo say that you wish you were the iPad and could erase everything from the past and start afresh. I so very much wish I could do that too.

I am receiving mixed advice about whether of not ‘starting fresh and erasing the past’ should be persued though. In my eyes, you can’t look forward if you always look back and you can’t feel good about yourself if others are secretly judging you. So, that being said, I have been in a relationship for 18 months now and I deeply hope he is the one, I love him dearly. He has no idea that I’m a (recovering) CG and has never even seen me gamble (I do it online and he works away for home nearly every weekday). My reasoning for not telling him is that: 18 months is still early days in relationship terms, the debt that I have racked up is all mine and I should hopefully clear it before we even think about buying a house together or marriage etc., I am so determined to never gamble ever again and continue to respect that I must never start because I can’t stop, But most importantly how can I expect him to still love me when I do to even love myself right now. I do t want to lose him.

So, to erase and move on – or to open up and hope it doesn’t ruin our relationship?

Thanks

Jenna x

[jennaraye88]

Installed a blocker on my PC so now I have eliminated money and access, just time to deal with. Working on that though, have plans to set myself a fitness regime for the next 6 months and start doing the things I used to enjoy. I loved reading in my short periods being gamble free over the last few years so will download some free kindle books this evening.

Thanks for your post Charles and I appreciate your advice dearly… But I’m still feeling too ashamed to admit 100% to my fella. Many reasons but the main ones being: it’s still fairly early days in the grand scheme of things, I dont have the courage to face feeling him yet and I’d like to put my focus into recovery rather than breaking g the best relationship I’ve ever had. Perhaps I’ll have the strength when I’m feeling g a little better about myself and comfortable enough I my own skin. I still can’t accept what I’ve done so how can I expect him to?

Anyways, still feeling very low, very stupid and very broke. Learning to exercise my patience and cleanse my mind of this wretched addiction.

Love to you all my friends

[jennaraye88]

Just been reading through your thread and I’d like to say thank you for sharing your positivity and excitement. I’m currently on day 2 so it’s a long road ahead from me, but seeing that there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel is helping me through the first dark stages.

Keep well my friend x

[jennaraye88]

Still in the ‘hangover’ stage. No urges to gamble at all but feeling very fed up about the financial position I’m in and all the time I have wasted over the last few years.

I confided in a close friend this morning and whilst he’s quite supportive he doesn’t really understand what it’s like for is CG’s.

I think I am beginning to realise some of my triggers; boredom and the desire to get out of debt. I stupidly thought that I would be able to have a ‘quick fix win’. Impatience is the problem. I know that in a year or two I’ll be in a much more comfortable position than I am now (as long as I don’t gamble of course). But a year or two is a log time to wait for someone as impatient as me.

Didn’t sleep very well last night, was just praying that is wake up today and it would all be a big nightmare. But I’m awake and the nightmare hasn’t ended. I’m afraid it never will.

I cannot win because I cannot stop.

Today I will not gamble.

[jennaraye88]

hi Charles, where do you run your groups? or are they on here? (new to using the website so a bit rusty)

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