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The day beginning will be my 70th without gambling. I’m so proud and yet I know the recovery is so fragile. I have the barriers in place though, and I don’t feel like gambling. I’m going through a very stressful phase of my training (which would make me gamble in the past), but somehow I’m managing to cope without gambling.
nI just wish that these 70 days are the beginning of 70 years gamble free!Well, some days are good for the fish, others are good for the fisherman. These past weeks and the ones ahead are like this, because work has been quite stressful. I’m going through one of the hardest parts in my training, but I’m coping without feeling the need to gambling. In the past I would gamble, at least scratch cards and lotto tickets to deal with the stress, but now I know I can’t. Buying even one would lead to disaster in a matter of days, so I’ll stay away.
Thanks for the tips Steev. I agree with everything you wrote. All the relapses I had started with “should I shouldn’t I”, leading to “one lotto ticket once and then won’t hurt” leading to disaster in just days or weeks. I found a place nearby where they don’t sell any scratch cards or lotto so I’ve been buying ciggaretes from there.
nApart from that, I’m just existing. I don’t know how deep this phrase is in English, but I don’t mean “just existing” in a bad way, it’s like I’m living day by day, still loving to go to work and be with my friends from work, who by the way don’t go to the casino anymore, which helps.
nI made one important decision in my life that I was thinking of making since a few years. I don’t want to be too specific but basically I was in a project since a long time that didn’t bring anything to me anymore. Telling the manager I wanted to leave and seeing how supportive he was made me realise I can indeed change at least some aspects of my life. I was a bit afraid that his reaction was going to be bad, I overhought it so much, and then it was just so simple.
nI hope you’re all doing fine and winning the fight against gambling!
nTake care.Today I was buying cigarettes and there were a lot of scratch cards in front of me. I almost bought one but then I thought why lose all the effort Ive been doing for nothing? Up until asking for a pack of cigatettes I was considering buying one, there was a huge fight inside my mind, but the rational side won!
n”Im not where I want to be, but Im proud that Im not where I used to be”
nI read this phrase today somewhere in social media and it suits me so well!I’m making little progress every day ??
nAnd I’m so happy that I am gambling free for 32 days. It’s not much but it’s certainly a good start. It’s such a great feeling.Hey Charles,
nGood point. Excluding is something I should do. I usually went just with this guy and the others would just see or gamble 10 or 20?, so if he’s not going the others will not talk about going to the casino, I think they didn’t even like much going there, they just went because we went.
nToday has been a normal day once again, and normal is so good!It was just a normal day, Im waking up really early due to work so Im tired by the end of the day which feels great. Not tired because I spent hours gambling online, but tired because I worked. Such a nice feeling.
Payday today. Everything went as expected. Fortunately the friend I used to gamble with the most aparently lost quite a lot of money during vacations and so he doesn’t want to go to the casino in the near future (at least), so I’m very lucky!!
nI’m trying to be busy after work reading and studying, and so far it has gone fairly well.Thank you very much for your message. I read the article and it’s very interesting. The comparison with feeling anger is brilliant. One is simply angry, one doesn’t rationalize it.
nWell, this week I’ll try to post daily. It will be a challenging week for some reasons. Tomorrow I’ll get paid, I’m in the capital without my parents and with people I gambled with. Therefore the probability of relapsing is higher.
nToday the day was great, I like it so much to be at work, I don’t think about gambling (neither about the devastation it brought to my life nor about going to the casino). I’ll have challenging weeks ahead workwise, with tests etc, so I really have to be focused.
nToday I started writing down where I spend money. I started the excel sheet many times in the past, but some days later as I would spend a lot gambling I would just give up. This time it will be different. I know I’ll be surprised by the money I spend in cigarettes, but well, that might help me reduce smoking.
nAs Manson’s article states, it’s important to have high standards and a “mile long” to do list, so I’ll really focus on getting some stuff done instead of just laying in bed. Of course I will have to study quite a bit for work, but I also want to read at least one chapter a day and do an Assimil lesson of the language I’m learning! 1,00^365=1,00 but 1,01^365=37,8 !!The number of Blackjack ahaha.
nLately I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. But in my opinion in a bad way. I feel so bad in the present that I think I’ll only be happy when some stuff happens in the future. But I’ve been thinking this way since a few years.. Like “I’ll be happy when I start my new job and meet amazing new people from work” (because I had to wait a few months since I applied till I started). Well, starting the job didn’t erase my mental issues, obviously.
nNow I’m thinking that when my driving license is ready it will be awesome (in my country this kind of stuff takes a lot of time – I passed the exam in june!!), or that when I get a salary raise in about one year I’ll have money to live decently – because currently I’m just training and so salary is low and the increase will be substantial.
nAnyway, my point is that none of these future “achievements” will deeply change my happiness and the way I look at life. It may make things a bit easier, but whatever I can do to recover from the addiction and depression, I can at least start doing now. I just have to figure out what that is.
nFriday is normally a very sad day for me. I look at everyone’s social media and their perfect nights out, friends, happiness and it makes me sad. Sometimes I think it must have been my fault not to have a “normal” life. What have I done wrong? I just hope I’ll not turn out someone who just lives to work, but right now I prefer to be at work, at least I’m busy and I’m with people I like.
nNext week I’ll start working after vacations. Moving to the city again will be dangerous, with all these places that sell scratch cards in every corner. I have some barriers in place, but when the devil inside takes over it’s difficult not to buy “just one” 1? scratch card. This time it will be for real! 21 days is something I can’t throw away. And gambling 1? would be throwing away all this effort. I know now that there’s no responsible or controlled gambling for us addicts. It’s either not gambling or disaster (sooner or later).
nLately I’ve been listening to a lot of classical music and I found that even listening to music I’m an addict. I’ve been listening to Dvorak’s and Elgar’s Cello Concertos like 10 times a day (and it’s 30 minutes each, although sometimes I just listen to the parts I like the most). I start thinking that yes, addictive personality exists. Well, this was just a side note on something I find curious.
nHave a wonderful weekend, those of you who enjoy weekends. Right now, Monday is my favorite day.Hey Steev,
Good news are always welcome! I’m happy that you could find a cheaper storage and that you are resuming your adventures as a world traveler.
Take care ??
Well, day 19 gf but vacations are almost over so Ill soon be going to the city and be with my friends from work with whom Ill likely get wasted and have fun (i actually miss being with them) but hopefully will have the strength to say no to casino invitations. Payday is also coming so Ill have money to get by, which will also be a test to my ability to stay away from gambling. Ill pay everything first and put the rest of the money in a separate account.
nToday im staying at a house we have in the countryside, I had dinner with some “friends”, it was nice, some of them planned to stay over with me but as the weather tomorrow will be a bit shitty they went home, so Im alone. Its good to have this time to finish the book Im reading and to think about life. Tomorrow Ill walk and enjoy the day. Its weird, if they stayed id rather be alone, but because they left id rather be with them.
nI feel disconnected, i feel hurt by the way some people treat(ed) me and i still dont have the emotional intelligence to deal with it. Last month i was at a casino table and the dealer told me something like “what are people doing to you outside so that you gamble this way?” I laughed, but I guess he is right. I have so many issues to deal with. Thinks from the past, apologies that i owe and that im owed. One at a time, i have to solve them all, because as i read here, when one stops gambling the real causes that made one an addict hit hard.
nJust some thoughts. Ill now read and then sleep. Today I didnt gamble and tomorrow it will be another fight ill win!Hey velvet,
Thank you so much for your comment. It’s so inspiring… Reading your and Steev’s words make me want to walk this path so that eventually one day I’ll have the wisdom to write like both of you do and like other people here in the forum.
Well, at this point in my life Im certain that i have no friends. I have people that invite me from time to time for dinner, that maybe enjoy the time with me, but that then dont care. I do have people that worry about me, my brother, my parents, my cousins. Thats pure love, but somehow I dont love them the same way. Its like im going after people that dont care and i dont appreciate the people i take for granted. Its strange.
Today something funny happened. I was having lunch with my parents and my mum saw that they sold scratch cards in that place. She wanted to buy me one and I told her i’d prefer that she gave me the money. So its day 16 GF, i handled the pressure of the gambling addict inside me!!! Today was also the proof that my father didnt tell anything about my addiction to my mum, which i find surprising, although he knows how much i owe to the bank and how much ive stollen from him. He thinks its better not to talk about what’s negative but it clearly doesnt work. It might be easier in the short term, but in the long term problems will just get bigger.
Anyway velvet, thanks once again for the comment, I started writing and my thoughts lead me this way.
Have a wonderful Sunday.
That’s true, stay away for ever! I’ve managed to stay 15 days away from any kind of gambling (I would always buy scratch cards and lotto, for instance) and it is feeling so good. Once again, this 15 days don’t mean a lot since I don’t have much money anyway. But when I get paid in 2 weeks I will stay gamble free!!
I imagine being embarrased about my finances for a long time. “You should buy a car” is something I’ve been told lately. But well, it doesn’t matter, slowly i’ll build what I destroyed ??
Thank you for your comment Steph.
We have to be strong saying no to casino invitations. For me it has been easier now since I wouldn’t have the money to gamble anyway, I’m just afraid that when I get paid and vacations are over I’ll start going to the casino again with coworkers. Maybe I’ll tell them I have a problem and would rather stay away from casinos for a while.
I was watching? videos from a german youtube channel where he says he went to rehab and didn’t even have money for the key deposit when he got there, and that as a gambling addict one is always like that, not having money to do anything. I can relate so much to that. Now Im meeting some family for a few days in another city. I thought it would be better than staying at home all day. But what if they want to go to an expensive restaurant? This feeling of having close to 0 all the time (plus debt of course) is awful and I really hope and want not to feel that way again in my life!