[Losingitslowly]

Thanks for your concern kin. I hope that you are well. I am going through a bit of a self discovery phase and have been reading about cognitive behavioral therapy. I had a relapse last week and am trying to understand why I am putting myself in harms way repeatedly. I know that I am depressed, and am trying to deal with the thought process that takes me from point a to point b, which is gambling. I am feeling like I have not much to post at this point but will be back when I can verbalize my thoughts and this process more effectively.

[Losingitslowly]

While it is wise to look at the past as a reminder and to guide you in a different direction, you cannot look at what you did in the past as the hard and fast rule for the future. In the past you have paid down all of your debt that you’ve accumulated. Good. Do it again. You know that you can. Make the same mistake by going into debt again with excessive gambling? Don’t. If each one of us truely believes that we will simply make the same mistakes again than there would be no recovery. You have to make this your last time and believe that you can do it. If you keep in your heart that you will make the same mistake over again than you will. Open your heart and mind to the fact that you will succeed or you never will. You will once again have access to money whether you pay off these debts or not. You have to believe that you can change. As you have read on this site, it is possible. You may relapse, as it is part of recovery. You will get stronger and smarter and you will get better but only if you think you can.

[Losingitslowly]

Dark, I am not sure why you feel the need to tank your credit score but do not act rashly as this is something that may take many, many years to recoup from. The plan to pay things down slowly is not a bad one, and in my life I call it my amends. I must make financial amends for what I have done and I know that any help from anyone is just a cheat for what I must do on my own. If you are not going to pay your debt for any reason it will not be paying what you owe! If you cannot pay and need to file for bankruptcy that is another case, buy if you can, you must. Keeping yourself in a constant state of debt is what gambling has done to you and I have read that one of the recovery tools is to pay back what you owe. I hope that you stay clean and that you think these things through for the long run. It may not be an easy road, paying it all back, but it is the right thing to do. I owe a bunch too and have come into agreements with all of them to pay it back over the next couple of years. I figure that once I do I will not be healed but I will have made things right. Good luck to you on this journey.

[Losingitslowly]

My daughter was briefly back and is gone again. My life trudges on, always the same. Work then home. I’m doing ok but need a change to be fit in the narrow spaces in my life that will allow for it. I guess that, without my daughter around, there is a bit of a gap in my life that I feel. It’s not for long so i am just getting through it. I wish I could offer more inspiration to others but it is just not that time for me. Have a good one.

[Losingitslowly]

The time alone has been a challenge, and it will continue intermittently over the next 3 weeks. My daughter will be home for a few days here and there but will be gone most of the next month. I am so happy that she is out with friends and engaged in all kinds of activities that will help her fight her depression and never wanted her presence to be the only thing that stopped me from gambling. I must be able to fight this myself, and have found that staying busy and having a routine has proven most helpful. I dont seem to have the urges as much when my mind is busy with task lists and things that have been done. I’m not sure that it would be as useful for others, as I have always been a task oriented, list writing person, but it has been a saving grace for me. I am more engaged with my immediate world and am organizing myself daily so that I can keep the hounds at bay. It has worked so far and although I know that I cant keep myself busy all of the time, i can use this to help retrain my pathways so that gambling is not part of my daily routine and therefore not part of my daily thoughts. I hope that everyone is strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

I new that the time alone would be hard and I was correct. I had a close call again last night as I came home from work to an empty house and lots of time to relax. I tried to keep busy but an email from a casino got me thinking and I actually tried to access it online. Thank God my computer has gamban on it and I was unsuccessful, and I did not entertain the idea of getting the one in the garage out so I was safe. I am unsure if I would have actually gambled had I been able to access the site the first time, but it felt like a close call to me. I got up after that and started some laundry and surfed foodies sites later to distract myself. It is simply a matter of getting past the hurdles and making it to the next day. That is all that recovery is. It’s all about just ” not doing it ” , whatever the it is, for long enough that it becomes relatively effortless. We are all in our early stages of “not doing it” and it is not effortless yet, but hopefully it will be soon.

[Losingitslowly]

Welcome sean and it sounds like you are ready to start recovery. To begin with, have you done anything to help yourself stop? Have you blocked access from your electronics or had yourself excluded from the casinos? Have you done anything to limit your access to funds or gambling? It is imperative that, on the first weeks when your resolve is strong, that you block access any way possible to give yourself the help that you need to resist temptation. It is good that you want to stop but you need to put your money where your mouth is and take the next step. It is the only way. Get back to us.

[Losingitslowly]

Hi Jay, it’s funny that you say that about being clear headed at work. I had never realized how much my gambling had affected the way I worked and the amount that I accomplished until I stopped gambling and focused on my life more. I love the clarity that I feel now. It’s like I have started a new job. When my gambling stopped me from missing work or being late or even leaving early my relationships with my boss and my co workers changed as well because I was more reliable and present when there. My work was the reason I started gambling so I felt that I didnt care if it affected it at all. I feel a bit different about all aspects of my life now and I believe that, like other substance addicts, I looked at the world through glasses that only favored those things that helped me gamble and tainted the view of those things that stopped me. I was so surprised that I was actually that far gone that it made me depressed to even think about it. We are all functioning addicts to a larger degree than substance addicts so we think that we are better. We are not. When I think of myself as an addict like the alcoholic then it takes away the allowance that I was giving myself to keep on doing it. I have cheered on my nephew for years as he tried to kick an opioid addiction and am disappointed in myself that I let myself think that I was any better. I must cheer myself on in the same way and stop to think about it on those terms when the urges rear there ugly head. I had a test of it last night and I passed, but am fearful that the urges will keep coming back and I will weaken. I have strength and you have strength, we just have to tap into it at the best time possible to kick this thing to the curb. Have a great weekend

[Losingitslowly]

Yesterday was a close call for me even though I kept vigilant and busy. I was ok in the morning because I was busy getting my daughter ready for a short work day and then off to her aunts house later in the day. We got her on the train ( I accompanied her to the station at her request) and then I met up with my sister for dinner and a bit of shopping. It was so humid out that I decided to come home at around 730 and had a long walk from the station. I was thinking about how nice it would be to relax on the couch and play a few games online, and had the intention of doing so when I got home!! Luckily for me i was so hot and tired when i got home that i just changed and had a drink ( half of one actually) and fell asleep. I didnt think that i would actually entertain the ideas still and am happy and surprised this morning that it can still occur and i can just not do it if i find something else to replace it ( even hot and tired will do) . It is important that i keep this last close call as a reminder that the brain is still craving it and i am not in total control of my thoughts yet. I celebrate today but it could have been the other way if the situation had been a bit different. Have a great day everyone

[Losingitslowly]

I’m facing the next three weeks with some hope and dread at the same time. My daughter is going away for most of the next three weeks with friends and family and I will be seeing her for only a few days in between. This would have been a lot of trouble for me in the past as the time alone would signal a gambling binge , but now I have to find other things that are much more constructive to do to pass the bit of time I have that I will be alone. I will be working most of the time between the two jobs so I have plans to stay busy, but I will be alone and at home for one day next week and I must keep my mind on what could happen and takes steps to prevent it. I get fleeting thoughts of gambling every now and then, when home and relaxing, and I must keep the associations between relaxing and gambling separate so that I dont relapse. I am happy that she is getting away and seeing family and friends as she tends to get depressed just working and being home. I am excited that she will get to see family that live somewhat far away as her aunt is hosting her for four days and she hasnt seen her fathers family in quite a while. I am dreading the time all by myself because it will cause gambling urges. I am hopeful that I will be able to abstain and will do whatever it takes to make sure I do. I am grateful that I have a community that understands and will support me. Thanks and I will post daily. Hope that you are all strong and gamble free today

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks Phoenix. I feel the self control getting stronger than the urges with each passing week and just wish that I could make it easier for those just sober. I think of all of the people on the site every day struggling and succeeding and I want to share in that feeling of triumph as well. I wish that every person that thinks that they will never beat the urges can hear that it can be done. It does get easier and it wont be long, if you abstain and white knuckle it for the first month, before the last thing you want to do is gamble. Stay strong as well.

[Losingitslowly]

Hello husky, and if you can quit for a year you can quit for another year. Is there something in your life that has reintroduced the need to gamble? Are you doing it to cover a loss or loneliness? Tell us why you started again.

[Losingitslowly]

How are things going ashamed? I am hoping that it is not ashamed, but proud today. It is hard in the beginning to fight the urges everyday. Occupying oneself works for a while but then you have to watch out for those times when the opportunity sneaks in all of the sudden and you are powerless to stop yourself. That was my failure, thinking that if I just worked non stop that I would be able to stop myself and the urges would go away. The first opportunity I got that I was alone and relaxed, boom, I was gambling again. In time it is easier to deal with the urges and for me, my mind tells me that it doesnt want to because of all of the negative things that are becoming attached to it. The brain fights itself and then, in time, the no will become stronger than the yes. It takes time for the yes pathways to weaken and the longer you abstain and build up the no pathways, the easier it becomes. It has gone from just having the thought or memory of the music from the bonus round in my head and then I would be finding a way to play within minutes to not hearing it anymore and when a thought comes in, it is quickly ushered out by another thought. Give it time, like you would any new habit. You are developing new, good habits as well as trying to bury old bad ones. Stay vigilant.

[Losingitslowly]

Hope that you are doing well and that you post another great day. I just wanted to pass on a tip that was passed on to me regarding credit cards. If you are having a hard time not using them once you pay them off or down just call them in lost or stolen. They will put a stop on them and send you new ones in a few weeks. I just did that and then did not open them once they came. When I finally paid them off in full I then canceled them so there was no repeat. Hope that your day is good.

[Losingitslowly]

I took a holiday day yesterday to try to get a few things done and get a bit of a break. I am getting tired. Working two jobs can be tiring and when you add on summer, heat and gardening in any of the spare time that I have, I am feeling like a break is necessary. I have an adult daughter who is acting out a bit and it affecting my sleep. I found out last night that she is seeing someone new and has been lying about where she has been going and spent the night at his place. I’m pretty liberal and not prone to judge these kinds of things but I do insist that she tell me where she is going and whom she is with when she is out as well as when she will be expected home. I dont ever stop her from going anywhere she wants and find her sneaking around to be unnecessary and irritating. I understand that she wants to develop a relationship more before she tells me but I feel that she still needs to be careful….anyways, the urge to gamble was quite strong yesterday as my mind was dealing with the lack of control and uncertainty of the situation. I was in the garage for other reasons and even looked at the container where i have the laptop that i can use to gamble but did not open it. I walked away, closed the door and am happy i did. If this was two months ago, i would have been playing to forget the things that made me feel out of control. Today I try to deal with things head on, try to identify what is making me feel stressed and deal with it as soon as possible. All of the bills, all of the companies that have been calling, I have called them back. I have payment arrangements and am making amends for what i have done. I guess it’s like the twelve step program, just my own way. I am quite proud of myself. I had the opportunity and the stressors but did not cave in this time. This is real progress for me. Today I am tired, but I am happy and satisfied with my day yesterday. I hope everyone is strong and gamble free today

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