Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
Funny you should say that because I sat down with me daytimer, as I do each week, and put in my work schedule (which can eat up all 7 days, if I’m lucky) but am unsure if I’m going to be working a couple of days. That scares me. I know it wont, in time, but at this point, free time costs me big. I have planned to do some grocery shopping and some cleaning, but the challenge is getting past the 10 a.m. mark, when I have done a few chores but want to sit and RELAX and enjoy a coffee or two. It is then that the creepers start and o seem to have no logic or self control. I always pick up my phone to check something else and end up on a new site that has sent me an email. I’ve done all of the logical steps to try and prevent it but it always comes down to thos- I have to sit down some time and I cant avoid the situation. I need to be able to act lime I do without ending up on the same situation. It’s like smoking after a meal. If you are trying to quit smoking you cant avoid eating forever. I need to be able to harness the thoughts that lead to the behavior and take control of them. In the short term it may be necessary to just avoid the situation, and I might try that this week. Let’s look to another gambling free day today as we all look to add one more day to out tallies. Keep strong everyone
I’m an early riser. The thoughts that go through my mind as I wake are unbelievable. If I have had a good day the day before I wake with energy and enthusiasm that many find annoying. I tackle the day like it’s my mortal enemy. I can achieve an unbelievable amount of work and still work 2 jobs. Then, when I’ve had a bad day, I cant even get up. The day is too much. I dont finish anything. I have found mysel calling in sick to work or being incredibly late because I’ve started gambling in the morning and cant stop. It’s not until it’s all gone that it’s over and then my next few days are hell. I want to ride the wave of enthusiasm that I have when I dont gamble but just as many of us do, i let my brain start to think about it. I get the “lull”, it’s the relaxed feeling that i get when i gamble, and i dont get it anywhere else. My mind teases me with it and then i go looking for more. I know all of the cues. I am able to avoid it at certain periods by not going directly home after work or leaving the house to go shopping. My phone is my enemy. I have installed blockers on it but accidentally found a way around it and it cant be blocked anymore. I am starting my day two. I have been up for hours and am strong in my resolve TODAY. I am working job #2 today,which I took for the money and to get me out of the house on the days that I am not working job #1. The next 4 days look good. I work job #1 each day so that I have no opportunity to play if I don’t let myself slip first thing in the morning. I have self excluded from all the sites I am on. The issue will fall on day 5, friday, when i am off of job #1 and maybe job #2. Its usually then that my resolve dissipates and i find myself wanting to “relax”. I know that i am fine today, which i guess is all that we can really strive for, one day at a time, but i am looking ahead to the sink hole that gets me each week, friday, and hoping that i can find the strength to mark a 7th day as free of this week.
It is great that you can go for a month gambling free! I cant even get through a week at this point. You are right when you say that the covid virus has made things worse. I’m sure that the online slot sites have never been busier. I play online, which makes it hard to avoid, and if you know your triggers, pay extra attention to them when you have been gambling free for a while. The addict brain always tries to convince itself that it can indulge “just a little” because you have been in control for so long. The gambling has rewired your brain and it will take time to get it back to where it wont crave it. Just know that it is a craving, like cigarettes or drugs, and it is going to lead back to where you were before. Easy to say, oh so hard to do. Just keep fighting – that is what you are doing. Fight it. I hope you have another long stretch gambling free
Hello again. I am aware that the “trauma” to which you are referring has shaped me both positive and negative, but I am fairly sure that the incident that pushed me into gambling was a more recent one. I am (was) a workaholic for many years and thrived being a very dedicated and strong employee. It was my identity for a very long while. About 14 years ago our very large company changed leadership and the resulting turmoil is very much as most people experience. New people meant change, and while I was not bothered by change itself, the very fact that those who had been stellar employees fell into disfavor very quickly, and the fact that my job was in real jeopardy, changed me for the worse. I lost my only identity ( other than being a mom) at that time. I have never been the same since. I have lost my confidence. I have lost the one thing that drove me to achieve. I have gained weight. I dont sleep well. I am constantly afraid of disappointing my bosses, something that never would have been a part of my being back before this. Gambling came as a way to put it all to rest in my mind. Now it has taken over and I cant seem to get back what I lost. I want to be the old me. I want to reel confidence but the fact that I am an addict undermines any chance of that happening. I need to address this, yes, I understand, but knowing what it is surely is a step in the right direction.
As for the old trauma(s), yes, more than one, I will get to those once I’ve got the biggest burden of my life under control. Hope you are strong and well.If music is any inspiration to anyone reading this, I find encouragement in the music of Breaking Benjamin. The content deals with addiction and pain, something lead singer has been dealing with for years. “Torn in two” and “the dark of yoy” are two of the later songs that hit home with me and sometimes it’s a bit comforting to know that others, including incredible musicians, fight the same fight we do, albeit a different affliction. Stay strong.
Thanks sjc1 and jvr3419. I woke this morning feeling the despair and with all of the determination of a prize fighter to fight this thing with all of the strength I have – the same as every other morning after. I am a strong and determined woman. I know that. The problem lies in that my mind becomes “determined” to do a lot of things, and one of them is gamble. Like everyone else out there, I am great at abstinence when there is no time or opportunity. The problem lies in when there is time and opportunity- my mind quickly turns from determined not to gamble to determined to just play a little. Jvr3419, I know that I have had many issues in my life that stem from lack of impulse control. I do know that i need the dopamine fix that comes from rash and impulsive behavior and have been in many dysfunctional relationships as a result. This is the latest situation that i have been needing to get myself out of and sometimes i wonder if the actual need to save myself is part of the problem as well. Do i create the “drama” so that i have something to work on? As with you, I should most likely be treated for PTSD as my life has been a series of traumas from a relatively early age, but reliving it all at this point in my life seems redundant. I feel that, if I’ve made it this far, even if it’s simply been by shoving it all way down deep, I should be able to get through this too by finding a new coping technique. I need to find something that will work with me and my needs. I did have a call from CAMH, which is a centre for addiction. I will touch base with them and try to find a way to use their services to help. Good luck on ne more day gamfree everyone.
Thanks vintagehoby. I am too aware of the number of people afflicted with addiction in my family and out there, and I never thought that I would be truly ADDICTED to anything again after I quit smoking. I know the reason why I started, I understand the biochemistry of my brain once I begin to gamble, I just can’t figure out why I continue when it makes me so miserable. I always thought that I was strong. I feel so weak and pathetic. Why do I continue to cave in? What is going to have to happen to me to get me to stop? I need yo figure out what exactly I have to do ( medication maybe?) to stop my mind from being able to trick me onto thinking that I can gamble “just a little” at any point in time.
After the last week of trying and failing, and waking the next day to despair and regret, I have decided to try to wake each morning feeling proud and joyful that I made the right choice the day before. My days off are my biggest challenge because I cant stay busy forever, and with covid still having us on emergency protocol here, there is really nowhere to go. As mentioned, I had found a way around my blockers on my phone, and at the last binge decided that enough was enough and closed all accounts that were available. I will now have to search, verify and open more if I want to fall, and that will take hopefully enough time to stop myself. I am keeping busy in the evening either cleaning or making some food for the next day, so my idle time is minimized. The days off are going to be the challenge, and my plan is to start with not taking my phone of of my purse and keeping it on another part of the house. I have some down time today before I go in but have lots planned and little time to ruin my good day. I feel like I am at the mid part of the giant mountain, with a cliff separating where I stand from where i want to go. I can try to go back down but it is not a good climb down- it is a drop. Up is the only way to go, it will be hard, but not impossible, I just have to keep climbing a little at a time.
I am a sucker for the instant gratification that slots bring. We are drawn by the familiar music, graphics, bells and whistles that bring the good rush of adrenaline and serotonin and we yearn to feel good again. We need to remember that there are other sources of pleasure in life that can bring the release as well, albeit not quite as quickly but with the benefit of no gambling remorse the next day. I know I need to put more of my memory power on the horrible way I feel the next day and less on how I feel for the small amount of time while I am gambling. I am beginning to hate really hate all of the ways that we get suckered in. I am not weak. I am quite capable. I am human. I will figure out a way to rise above iinstant gratification, which puts me at the same level as most animals, and make more sense of my choices. I want to remember who I was and what drove me before this took hold. I need to practice doing things in increments again, to retrain my brain from the trap of instant gratification. I hope that you can do the same.
Was in the precarious situation of just me and my phone in a room last night because one of my daughters friends broke up with her boyfriend and I had to skedaddle out of the main living area. I did play, but found no joy in it and quit right away. Is this the beginning? Can I abstain on my own? Perhaps the true cost of gambling is more than the feelings I used to get. Let’s hope.
Was in the precarious situation of just me and my phone in a room last night because one of my daughters friends broke up with her boyfriend and I had to skedaddle out of the main living area. I did play, but found no joy in it and quit right away. Is this the beginning? Can I abstain on my own? Perhaps the true cost of gambling is more than the feelings I used to get. Let’s hope.
I thought that I had it covered. I put gamban on everything and it has worked fab on my computer but not so well on my phone . I won’t go into detail, but there is a way to get around ALL software on the android phones and I found it out by mistake. Now I can play if I find the frame of mind that allows me to. I have self excluded from all of the casinos in my province so I will have to get a ride for hours and hours, and I know I won’t. I am a firm believer in putting up barriers as well, but I am the only adult in my household and cant relinquish financial control to anyone else. This I have to do alone, and while I know that others are there, like the gang on g.t., I need to take responsibility and fail or pass. That way it’s only me to blame. I am a little more driven than I was last week so I’m feeling good. I know that I am weak once I open the phone so I am trying not to. Technology is a great thing for some, while others are a bit more challenged using it wisely. Once the casinos open up it will be a challenge not to try to sneak in wearing a mask…..it would be great for all of us who have self excluded. We need to banish the opportunity that might arise out of this horrible time in our lives to make it even more horrible. I will use all thi gs at my disposal to block myself from gambling today. That’s all I can do.
Kin;
Just started to read your thread through from the beginning and am checking new posts and reading from the end sometimes. Your words strip away all of the flowery language of addiction – and compulsion as it is for me, and tell the personal, heart felt truth that Ithink we all feel. Addiction is a disease and a behavior all in the same. You cant cure it without changing the behavior as the behavior is the disease. We all have the mental need to gamble and the hardest thing to fight is your own brain and what it needs. I know that my compulsion is, too, like an addiction but I can only rid myself of one by replacing it with another. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes not. I read your parables and enjoy them very much. Your writing is wonderful and very helpful. Stay with us.
This will kick me in the right place hopefully on the right times. I hate waking up in the morning knowing I have fed the wrong one the day before. My soul is sad, my Hope’s defeated. I want to wake up feeling right. That is my first goal as I am a morning person who gauges the day on how I wake up. Today is dark. Tomorrow will be light. Of this I can be sure. One day at a time.?