[Losingitslowly]

I have a day off today and just binged watched 4 ted talks about addiction. Very enlightening and hits home on a few fronts. When I watched about the different addiction groupings I see that I have two of the three groups as afflictions and seem to have a foot into the third ( food/ eating disorder from one, gambling from the second and I really do try to be overly helpful at work. They call me mom….. I am unsure of what is the best way to approach all of them so that I do not end up with another “need” being met but I have a better understanding of the odds of things becoming addictive and that I need to find alternative things and ways to promote dopamine response in my brain. One speaker was comparing the dopamine loads that are delivered by our brains doing normal activities and those delivered during activities that people become addicted to ( alcohol, drugs and gambling) and noted the release was 10 times greater than the dopamine released by your brain on the best day you ever had. It is something to think about.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks kin and ashamed, I am well. I have just posted to jay’s thread. To give you a bit of a picture of what you may be in for ashamed, I just received a call from my ex regarding my overdrawn chequing account that the bank has seen fit to notify him about. We have been separated for over 20 years and I thought that he would never find out about my gambling and I have narrowly dodged a bullet here. If you keep it up and things get worse then others will find out. Take care of it now before the cat is out of the bag and you have it all to pay back and others are watching you for relapse. I did explain it away and it may be ok for me at this point, but the scare is there. I just got the kick that I needed to keep my urges in check. I hope that it won’t come to this for you.

[Losingitslowly]

Hey Jay, good to hear that you are making plans to limit your access to funds if that is what will work for you. I had never missed a payment either, that is until all of my savings were gone and I had to start using credit and then, as it usually happens, the money that was earmarked for bills. I had the rudest of awakenings today when my ex husband called me (via my daughters phone which made it even worse) to ask me why he got a notification that “our” chequing account was overdrawn. He told me that he thought it had been hacked or something ” because I was the most responsible person he knew ” and I wouldn’t let that happen. Uh huh. I managed to give him and my daughter a story that was believable and it gave me a kick in the ass that I needed. I have always thought that I can keep this all to myself and no one else will ever find out, but eventually it will happen if I dont watch it from now on. I was having gambling urges lately and that squashed them quick as a bunny. I have to get the person back that used to run the show. Enough of trying to escape. What am I trying to escape that is worth all of the panic and anxiety that this is causing? Kins analogy of the hole in the street proves most useful for me because I can picture it. I am in a funk with my job. I dont like what i am doing and dont really like the people that i work with anymore. I must face the issue and resolve it and that wont be done by gambling. I add a problem to the problem and by now I’m working with a problem to the tenth power because of all of the times I tried to escape. It wont be solved by anything less than earning money and paying things off. It’s no wonder or mystery or something different than anything else you or anyone on the site has to do. I just have to stop gambling, save some money and pay things down/off. I’m sorry if I am ranting but the embarrassment and reality have hit hard here today and I need to calm myself down. I am gamble free now for over 40 days (I think, it could be more) I have stopped counting because I found that thinking of the days that I last gambled got me thinking of the last time I played and then the games and stuff so it actually got me to crave the games again and it is counterintuitive to count them for me. I will continue to be gamble free because it is what I need to do. No more, no less. I hope that you find something in this rant that you can use because it has been good for me.

[Losingitslowly]

It’s always just one day at a time for anything Jay and its no different for addictions. What you need to do is want to quit. If you dont want to then it’s going to make it all the more difficult to stay motivated. I fully understand the desire to use gambling as a means to reward and escape, as that is how I got myself into the financial and personal mess I’m in now. It is not an escape, it’s just an avenue into another, bigger problem that will slap you in the face a bit later. As Kin alludes to, gambling is like a big hole in the street. How many times are you going to keep falling in the same hole before you learn to simply take another route? I was a workaholic for many years and when I no longer got what I needed from work I searched for something else to fill the void. I found gambling, debt,a new bad credit score and ended up having to change jobs anyways. It’s not enough for me to simply say find another way to reward yourself or console yourself. I need to say that what you are doing is hurting yourself and eventually, those around you. It doesnt ever end well for anyone so you have to skip to the ending, where you are losing everything and everyone in your life. I am at the point where I am teetering. I quit just in time to not lose my home but am working two jobs to make enough to cover bills and get back to where I need to be to feel secure. I now see gambling as a means to destroy my life, one that I have worked very hard to build, and that was not what I wanted to do. If gambling was alcohol or drugs, and you were using those to escape, would you see the problem then? Take whatever steps you must to put blocks in place so that you cannot access funds or slots. I’m not sure what is available where you are or how you play, but make it hard for yourself to play instead of hard to stop. You will be surprised how much easier it is to quit when it is harder to do, and if access to money is the only thing that is stopping you, do whatever is necessary to limit your access to your funds while you are vulnerable. Take it gamble free today and let’s see about tomorrow then.

[Losingitslowly]

Hot, hot, hot. It’s very hot here these days and the windows were closed last night so that means not a good sleep for me. I am anxious these days. I am on payment plans all over the place and am looking at at least two years to get back on the right track. I will never recover the savings that I have lost, or so it looks, but at least I have a projected date to look at. I will need to have the second job for at least that long and it scares me. I know it is unreasonable to think in these terms but my mind has little time these days for more logic. I am living a life of extreme frugality. I justify every expense. I pinch every penny until it is battered and bruised. I was just put onto another payment plan to cover a tax reassessment yesterday and it will stretch the budget even further. Its necessary and not wholly unreasonable and it is what I must do. This is the time for doing what I must do because gambling had me on a path of doing whatever I felt like for 6 years. I have ignored my responsibilities and must make up for it now. To me, this is reasonable and justified and it makes it easier to deal with. I am all about accountability. I will not smile the whole time while getting this debt paid down but I will not complain either. I will do what I need to because that is what reasonable people do. I would expect no less from a stranger. I hope that you are all strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

This morning is fresh and quiet. It rained for a good part of the morning yesterday so no need to water the green spaces today. I look at all that I have tried to grow and am disappointed at the results so far, as I thought that once I was gamble free that everything else would somehow magically work out better. I dont have a lot of time to dedicate to my garden because of the two jobs and so I cant do all the work that I should to keep up the gardens. It is just an example of how we set standards for ourselves that are out of attainability and so we set ourselves up to disappoint. I am a bit disappointed but will have to be content for now knowing that the debt must come first and perhaps next year I will do better. The garden is a metaphor for the rest of my life – I have aspirations, intentions and hope. I will try to do as much as I can with the time that i have. There are many things that i will be able to do and others that i cannot. Each day i will add on to the progress of the day before and push myself further ahead, hoping that at the end, i have reached something that i am happy with. I still have time each day to do a bit of work on my gardens to get closer to my goals. I cant give up just because its not everything I dreamed of. Anything worth having is worth working for. I must work a bit more. Have a great day everyone.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks kin. I read your posts every time I can and see that your journey is a tumultuous one. I wish you peace and happiness always. It reminds me that each person will find their strength from within, and each person has to decide where they will find their answers. It may be with a higher power, a therapist or from within. I take a little of all three and blend them to find my strength to battle the demons inside my head. My life has to be about something greater than instant gratification and mind numbing addictions. I was complacent in the past when I let my addiction happen and, because addiction is an issue in my family, I should have been more cautious. I stay away from alcohol and any type of addictive meds because of it and didnt even consider that this type of addiction would happen to me. In retrospect, I guess none of us did. I try to move forward every day, sometimes I am a bit impatient that the journey goes so slow, but one day at a time is all we can do. You are doing so well now and should be proud of your progress. This is a journey that is well under way for you and I hope that the demons that tempt you stay quiet. Rest, rejuvenate and reflect. Have a wonderful day.

[Losingitslowly]

Ashamed, I am in the same sort of bind. I have gone from being the financially sound, resourceful and responsible head of my household to the one that has put us on the brink of ruin in 6 years of gambling. I am in debt and having trouble paying it back. I have two jobs and work 7 days a week in order to make my payments at this time. I have relapsed a few times I the past 6 months but have been putting more and more days in between them. When I first began recovery it was a challenge to make it one week without relapse. Then it was 10 days. I’m past the 30 day mark at some point ( I don’t like to count days anymore because it felt like it just kept gambling in my mind too much of the time. ) I have not gambled in a while and dont intend to ever again. I think about it occasionally but have put a number of blocks in my way so that I cant. I was an electronics gambler, not a casino gambler, as casinos are too far from where I live ( I did exclude from them as well) so it easy to gamble from the comfort of my home. I now cant gamble on laptop, phone or iPad because I have installed gamban. It is software that does not allow you to access any site related to gambling. It has saved me. Knowing that I cant gamble is making it easy to curb the urges. They come and go quickly when the front of my mind knows that I cant. Get software to stop you. It is all well and good to want to stop but like any addiction it is more helpful to block access for the first while until the urges and cravings stop. As for telling your family, that is a personal choice. I have only told my sister who has helped to bale me out a few times when times got rough, but I did not tell my parents or my daughter. I find it to be selfish to worry them with my problems as they have enough of their own and my daughter is on medication for anxiety and depression already. I will fix this myself and focus on being the best that I can be for the future. I have been a great provider in the past and been through rough times before. I will get there and so will you. Get the monkey off of your back that is weighing you down. Get rid of access to gambling, focus on a plan that will help you get back on your feet in the short run. Work on the long run when you are on more stable ground. I took a second job and am working on payment plans with various people to get caught up and back to regular payments. It is going to be three to four months of getting back to zero then I can look at a long range plan to get my savings back up and debt paid off. Throw yourself into this instead of gambling and you will be surprised and what you can accomplish

[Losingitslowly]

I am a person of extremes. I swing from one to another and get totally enveloped in the mood and devote very much time and effort maintaining my extremes. I have learned to avoid certain situations because going to extremes in them can be dangerous to my health. I am in an extreme mode now to deal with my finances and am enjoying it to the full amount I can. It gives me focus and relief knowing that I can try to undo all of the damage that I have caused. I was thinking back to only 7 years ago when I had no debt and had savings and lived a relatively stress free life (financially that is) but was in absolute hell in the rest of my life. One of my extremes is relationships and I was ending a 7 year live in relationship that was getting messy. My job was hell and was making me sick. I was a walking time bomb. Gambling came in at about that time and was my escape for a long time. I am out of that relationship and out of that job and dont need to gamble to escape anymore. I must make sure that I keep my life clean and devoid of excess stress and then I can heal and focus on my new life, job and health and put that part of my life behind me. I will pinch my pennies and make my amends and be the person that I know I can be. Its inside us all to be gamble free, we just have to find the part of us that is stronger than it is and bring it out. Walking down another street, having a new focus and letting the things that drag us down go is part of our healing and a part of life in general. Absolution for our mistakes is something we must give ourselves in order to move on. I was in a bad spot doing bad things for 7 years or so, some years worse than others. I will spend the next 7 being mindful and respectful and treating myself better. Here is to the next 7 years without the crutch of gambling to get me through.

[Losingitslowly]

I too am concerned about the same things as the drive to get myself back on track is very strong at this point and easily overrides any desires to gamble. I keep myself in check by having little to no money available, especially on the days that I have down time, so that even if the temptation hits and I still go looking in the garage for a dead laptop and I bring it in and start it up, I have nothing to gamble with. I feel that all the barriers we put in place are great, but when does it stop being a life about not gambling? I guess, if we look at other addictions and people that are successful at recovery we see that it is always going to be about staying gamble free one day at a time, but it’s not only about that. It can sit in the background, like an allergy. A food allergy is something that you must avoid daily but really only affects you when you eat, mainly out of the house, because your home should be your safe zone. We will have times and places that are safe and others that are risky to our recovery, and we should be aware of the things that pose the most danger and avoid them. I know that electronics will always pose the greatest risk for a relapse so I will ensure that I cannot access any gambling on the ones that I use daily. Forever, if necessary. My safe zones are outside my house at this point, and I am going to strive to make inside as safe, but at this point in time, it is not. I am aware. I need to stay aware but that does not mean that my entire existence is going to be about being gamble free, anymore than a person with a food allergy or other addiction only lives to be free of their nemesis. I guess if you let it all be only about sobriety than you will lose all of those things that make life a joyous ride and gambling will still control your life. I will strive for balance. I have recently decided to start losing some if the weight I have gained. It gives me another goal, another purpose, and puts my mind on other things. I hope that you can find other things that bring you purpose and joy so that gambling is something that is at the back of your mind, something you become used to avoiding, something that may still nag at you occasionally, but something that is only a small part of a life filled with joy and purpose

[Losingitslowly]

Got paid today and used it all up to pay bills. It’s a good and bad feeling. I always have anxiety when I dont have money available to buy things I want even if I dont really want or need much. When I pay bills I feel good for living clean and paying my dues and it’s a good counterbalance to help with the anxiety of not having excess funds available. I was reading today about inflation and the bank interest rate and was thinking about when I have to renew my mortgage and that’s not for a couple of years. I them started thinking about the fact that I will most likely be in a better position if I keep myself on track, and that makes me feel better. I need to hold onto the hope that things will get better for me and that it will not always be like this. Recovery will make my life easier to manage both personally and financially and I need to keep that in mind during the worst of times. Have a great day

[Losingitslowly]

I awoke early today feeling fresh and renewed. I have begun to feel that the situation is not hopeless and that, due to covid and all the crap that comes with it, I am in the same boat as many, struggling to make payments and looking for a bit of time to make things right. I am hopeful that i can make things better and am taking the steps to do so. By focusing on making my life right I am taking the time away from making it worse. I dont have the inclination to gamble anymore because my brain is much more focused on making my life better. I guess i hit my rock bottom at this point and am starting to climb back up. I have taken the only means of gambling and put it away so that any effort to try to gamble will be a bit laborious and give me time to change my mind. I dont have the time to go to casinos because I am working 7 days a week to make things right. I am making payment plans with creditors and adhering to them so I have no cash available to gamble and have the entire picture of what I have done to myself, financially, in my mind every day of my week. I am making my amends and facing up to what I have done and it feels good and bad at the same time. I no longer have the fear and dread lurking below the surface. I face my fears and deal with things and it empowers me. I hope that anyone out there who is having to face the fight everyday finds strength in facing their enemy and their fears and has the hope to be victorious.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks jvr. I am all too familiar with the effects of long term excessive stress. About 16 years ago I was in a position at work that involved incredibly long hours ( no day off for weeks at a time and on call when you were) horrible conditions and intolerable people to work for. I had a young daughter and a new boyfriend at the time and was trying to be everything to everyone. It was an elite position that i had inherited and I wanted to rise to the challenge so i maintained it for the duration of the contract. I had been afflicted for the last year of it with “stress related food intolerances” that resulted in an intolerance to dairy that was so severe I had to eventually carry an epi pen. The allergist warned me of more that may develop and told me that stress itself is not real. I was creating so many harmful responses in my body that it was rebelling against me. I had to either quit the job or learn to deal with the “stress” in a healthier way. Eventually the contract ended and I was back to my regular job again, but the memory of the effect still remains. I am in survival mode in a healthier fashion now ( maybe survival mode is the wrong term) . My survival mode allows me to be more alert and conscious of what i do and when. I make lots of lists, journal obsessively and plan all of the time. I am about as spontaneous as a clock. I avoid stress by planning everything and since my memory is not so great, I write down almost everything. No stress to try to remember. I appreciate the article and will keep it in case I do start to feel overwhelmed. Congrats on your sobriety. I am striving for as much.

[Losingitslowly]

I’m not sure what to make of the fact that I operate best and feel the most alive while in survival mode….its the reason why I am so concerned that I keep screwing up my life so that I put myself back in it constantly. I remember when I was in my teens and going through the foster care experience, I used to break up with guys that l liked and was dating just to feel the pain. I was so numb from the crap that was going on in my life that I created emotional pain for myself so that I had feelings that I could control. I ignored all of the rest and was just in survival mode, taking great satisfaction in just getting through each day still with a roof over my head. I had always been in the same mode until 10 years back when I had gotten a bit complacent and that’s when the trouble started. It’s a bit of a pattern that is not serving me well and I do suppose that now that i am more aware of it I should work on it. Revelations are a bit of a bitch sometimes. I’ve also decided to lose some weight. I’m trying to work it into my day a bit at a time, which is totally not like the way I do things, but I need to start incorporating more constructive ways in my life. Hope you all are happy and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

I had a reason to worry yesterday for my second job. There are a good number of people now available to work hours and I was afraid to be losing the hours that they are giving me. It made me feel different about working when I was there. I will usually feel a bit of resentment while I work because I am working on my day off. It is a menial labor position and pays minimum wage but it is providing me with both extra income and distraction on my days off. I need the second job to help with the payments that i must make to get back on track and the only time that i seem to value something these days is if i am in a position where i may lose it. It is disheartening to feel that way as I dont like taking things for granted. I have struggled a long time to get all that I have and I fear that my gambling is, in part, a way of putting me back on the edge so that I value what I have. I am in full response mode at this time. Survival mode. I have to look to see that this is or is not the case to help with my recovery.

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