[luna]

Dear diary,

Again plays the song in my head. Sunrise Sunset Sunrise Sunset
Swiftly fly the years. It is like my whole life has passed me by and as if i have been in some sort of coma and coming to wake up.
Waking up from a long slumber, coming to see parts of life, glimmers of hope, shreds of sanity, catching pieces of peace and fragments of living. I don’t believe i am gamble free. I need to pinch myself to see if i am awake. A decade has passed. I had lost myself. How do i find myself again? Questions. Why did i do it? Am i sane? I am alone with my thoughts. Whirring around in circles in my mind. A twister of emotion and confusion but a clarity begins to build. Slowly reaching toward the life that could be possible. That is beginning.

Luna Girl

[luna]

Dear diary

I feel as if the bleakness and morbidness is starting to slowly fade away and there is sunlight starting to illuminate the dark shadows in little bits and pieces. Regaining some part of the self that was lost and abandoned to gambling. There was a frostiness to my thoughts before, an icy gloom to my days. The small rays of sunshine are faintly coming through, a ray here and there, bringing with them a sense of relief. A calmness somehow gradually coming in in tiny pieces at a time. I cherish those times that had become so foreign to me

[luna]

Dear diary it has been a long time. The bleak, cold, black, dark world of gambling is fading from view. There is light, there is hope, there is something. There is something better, something more, something promising. Forwards now not back, forwards.
Slowly slowly i climb out of the shell i have grown accustomed to. Though i feel fragile i feel more whole. The pieces slowly come into view and like a jigsaw puzzle i can feel i am slowly being put back together. One slow piece at a time. All it takes is time. This reality never appeared a reality when i looked at the possibility of it back where i was. It wasn’t even a possibility but a dream of a possibility. The dream ever so slowly becoming realised. Like the moth awaiting in the cocoon to become a butterfly, still growing, still cocooned from the world. Soon, very soon comes the butterfly.

[luna]

Dear diary
The addiction snared me, sweet addction you had me in your grasp and i was struggling to breathe in my self imposed prison i was captive to the evil that you were. Entwined through my life, Captor of my breath, keeper of my thoughts. Today i discard you like an old worn rag, i set fire to you and burn your stench of evil out of my life. Addiction you do not have the grasp on me, i do not give you permission. You are abandoned addiction, you are banished from this life. The little left of my mind is mine and not yours to have anymore. Sweet addiction you are poison, beckoning me, enticing me, inviting me to play. Sorry sweet addiction, its too late, ive thrown you away
Luna girl

[luna]

I gave it a go. I had a try. It didnt work for me so i will say goodbye. Goodbye dear diary. I cant stop so there is no point me writing anymore
Luna girl

[luna]

Dear diary
I gambled. I gambled like a complete out of control mad person. I am insane. I gambled for hours and hours and hours and hours. I used all the money i could get my hands on, i went completely stark raving mad. I feel sick. I feel like i never want to go outside again. Maybe i wont. Not unless i have to do something for someone else. I may become even more of a recluse than i am and just fade away into my eroding shell. I am dying inside. I feel there is no control over me stopping, i just cant do it. That is so sad, so sad that it is so bad within me. I can go and lose so much in such a short time. I cant bet higher i bet the maximum and just slam those buttons as hard as i can and i cant stop myself. It doesnt matter if i win. It doesnt matter if i lose, i just cant stop myself. I need to be locked away
Luna girl losing the fight today

[luna]

Dear diary (thanks for writing paul315 Larry)
Today things are not good. The extremes that come with this are incredible. I feel defeated. I feel like i will undoubtedly go under. I just feel like i will not be able to do this and am extremely close to gambling. My head is already out the door but my heart and body are here typing. I am a loser at this.
Luna girl

[luna]

Dear diary
I wanted to gamble. I started thinking of the machines again. They wouldn’t leave my mind, i could see and hear them almost. I keep getting flashes of them in my mind. I almost felt convinced it would be ok for me to go. This is not ok. This is going to be tough. My mind is playing tricks on me and i feel like i don’t need to worry if i just go occasionally. I have never gone occasionally, i have gone for ten years flat out. There is no sometimes, a small time, just this much money with me. I know this, i have repeated the same behaviour over and over and over. Yet my mind is not fully accepting it. It was accepting it yesterday. I feel spun in every direction. I didn’t gamble though. I need to put a lock on my thoughts. I need to weed them out they are quite poisonous sometimes. I have said prayers today to keep me strong. To help me to not cave to this crafty disease or addiction or whatever it is. I’m not quite sure how my conscious has allowed me to keep doing it but i see how it entices me. I’m not sure how i will go for the long haul. I don’t want to ever gamble again. I want to be strong enough to get through this. I’m asking for strength. I am ******** on my prayers being heard today.
Luna girl

[luna]

My only choice is to try again. I will try again.
Luna Girl

[luna]

I am here again but I gambled again. I am lost.
Luna girl

[luna]

I shut my eyes and I tried to Imagine what my life would be like had I never gambled. I dont think it would be the same as today if I hadn’t. Why did I do it. Why did I do it again and again and again for so many years of my life. Why couldn’t I stop. What if I can’t stop now. I wonder if there is some wiring in the brain. Some switch that just doesn’t get switched off. Surely its something like a control centre in there that is out of balance. I am out of balance. I want to find balance. I want to find peace. I want to end the suffering that I feel living with being an addict of gambling.
Luna Girl

[luna]

I am trying to work out how to save. To repay. To recover. To have good financial planning and to have a good emotional state To start to repair the damage. I am thinking of how good my life could be If I stick to this recovery. I know it can be done. I am unsure as to if I can make it. I will try. I feel too bad to continue doing this to myself. I am learning. I am learning. I am learning.
Luna Girl

[luna]

I feel so bad. I am trying to feel good again and I cant make it happen. Im ****** it till i make it. Outside I force myself to smile. I say the right things. I put on a good front. Inside I am dying. God let this get better
Luna girl

[luna]

I am so very tired. I am going to bed. Yawn.

[luna]

My head is so dizzy. I cant seem to shake it. I cant think clearly. I dont want to feel this way anymore. My head is such a mess and I am wondering how i can keep functioning. How have i managed to function over the last ten years of gambling? I really am totally exhausted. I just feel like my tank is just running out of steam. Im disappointed in myself for the waste. It makes me feel sick. It is out of control impulsive compulsive behaviour when I gamble. I cant bet higher, I cant get the same rush. I just go completely crazy and I cant stop. I lose a lot very quickly. I win a lot but the wins never last more than a day. What is the point of all this? I find it totally amazing and befuddling that I cant stop. I am trying to. I will continue to do so. I didnt gamble yesterday that has got to be a miracle.
Luna girl

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