[MaleekSadd]

I have been following this thread for some time now. Thank you Velvet and Lily for keeping Peanut motivated.

Peanut, your last paragraph above caught my attention. I don’t know how your situation is at the moment but one thing is for sure: don’t despair! Don’t give up on yourself just yet. Don’t try to “re-live” a night’s dream in the light of day. To quote your own words, now that your CG is gone, try and burst the bubble. This is not to say that you should completely forget about this man you truly love but at least have mercy on your innocence. Liberate your mind of the contemptuous blames you are imposing upon it. It is hard to admit it but many a times, every action has a reaction. The reason your man left after dropping a text is something that is well known to him. Don’t beat yourself to this every other day. Maybe one day even though it will be late, the truth will surface. Open up your mind and face reality right into its eyes. Feeling sorry, crying and over-thinking will keep you caged. Love is certainly the most beautiful gift anyone can receive because it incorporates a lot and still the worst thing that can happen to anyone upon it’s lose. Your man might be gone temporarily or for good but you can always keep in touch like you are trying to despite his hesitance to accomodate you. Try and understand what you really want. Be it your now somehow gone man or your happiness on this cold world. I am saying cold because not everything that appears splendid retains it’s nature forever. It can be good forever or go bad all of a sudden. I wish you can just be strong enough to listen to your head because the heart isn’t so smart. Choose YOUR YOURSELF over anyone or anything for that matter. I can’t say I know much on love but it is always safe to love yourself as much as you can. Time heals and it is for real. Just find a way to either give up on this man for good or else, you will live to regret and survive on false hopes. Again, that is if nothing has worked so far.

Sorry for the long paragraph above. Peanut, I was introduced to football betting by a group of workmates and two straight years into the activity, I hit rock bottom and I properly did it. I lost everything and the only people that were left with me were my siblings. I lost myself into exclusion and nothing mattered to me at the time. Not even my girlfriend, the few friends or family. I didn’t wish anyone to communicate to me or tell me what to do and what not to do. I had lost all hope and it was a huge task to try and be the previous version of me. I would block anyone who tried to keep in touch and at times I can just lush at them to leave me alone. This was entirely a feeling of guilt and shame that solely originated from my own mind even though the ones trying to reach out had other views; may be a simple greeting and just to know how I was fairing. I felt shattered and a loser and to be certain I was one at the time. I desperately needed to get myself out and I had to do it on my own. I conquered it and I won the battle after analysing every aspect of life on this planet. Luckily, I have never resorted to alcohol or any other depression soothers for that matter. I mean drugs. It was my soul, gambling and my sober mind in the battlefield. Despite the fact that I even lost my job, I didn’t sink any lower and I didn’t want to be anyone’s burden. I had to do odd jobs to feed myself but not to quench my gambling thirst. Then one day, I spotted the many art quality pencils, brushes and oil paints I acquired when I was still on some company’s payroll. I love art and I am so passionate about it. I compared my love for life through this sets of brushes and pencils to the damage my fake lust had on gambling. I picked up my pencils and brushes and I started doing art; something whose time was completely confiscated by gambling, and ever since I have been doing it to engage myself and thankfully, I nolonger crave gambling because I learnt my lessons well. Even though the utopia of the great things that comes with gambling keeps popping in my head, I am always sobber to promise myself that it’s only a wishful thinking through my waking state. I resist it as much as I can and I have learnt to appreciate and save the little money I make. It is beautiful to see this happening to me. I have since been good to everyone and to the many people I am indebted to. I learnt to speak the truth and seek genuine assistance whenever I needed financial assistance for genuine reasons since it was otherwise during my gambling days.

What my story basically means is that if your man can try and fight off any other addictions(say smoking pot), then eventually he will come to his senses and worry about the great things and people he lost for his compulsive behavior. As long as he can accept himself and own the troubles he has since caused, only then will be the person he once was and the bliss will rejuvenate altogether. This was my approach and I can’t say it can work elsewhere and if it does with him, he will definitely turn out being good. For all I know is that, you can’t outgrow a certain behavior and creep into its allies. This will certainly end up being a cycle and going back to old bad habits. I wish him well wherever he is.

Peanut, you are not doing anything wrong but try and understand that you are not the problem but he is. If nothing works out good, then it should be about time you accepted it. Don’t despair because you aren’t responsible, I would suggest you engage your mind into some other beautiful activites out there and find good friends or at least use this platform (Lily&Velvet) to help you find happiness. Sooner or later, things will fall in place. Find the strength you once had and restore hope within yourself. Life will always be short and the best way to live and enjoy it is when we spend much time on the happier end of the scale. Fight off any negativity and always belief in yourself. It is also upon yourself to keep trying to salvage your marriage amd still admit it if it seems to work or you should just quit and move on. We all stumble in life and how we get up and move forward depends on our individual effort. I wish you well and I hope everything falls into place in favor of your happiness.

NB: I couldn’t proof read this composition and so, be lenient just in case it fails coherency test.

To Velvet and Lily, always be blessed. For you Peanut, I wish you strength throughout.

Thank you.

With LOVE.

Maleek.

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