[melanie]

Hi, Velvet. It’s been a while since my last post so I thought I’d give an update.

For starters, I got the dog back in September. It was a difficult decision and felt enormous guilt before doing it, but ultimately, I had to do it for myself and my well-being. I messaged him on his 1st year of sobriety in November and he didn’t even read the message.

As for my ex, he recently launched his new girlfriend on social media. This is a different girl than the one he was previously seen with. I don’t completely understand why he had to remove most of my friends before he did it but still left a couple so it did get back to me. I guess my rusty gut can still be right throughout all this time.

I just feel so much pain and feel disposable. All my friends say that he isn’t doing his internal work that’s why he’s doing this, but none of us really know that for sure. He has never been single for long and I half expected it to happen, but I was hoping that what he went through rocked him enough to start looking within and change his patterns. It just pains me so much that there’s really no more chance for us. We were supposed to be married only in April and the year hasn’t even ended and he’s on to a new one. Just completely devastated now.

[melanie]

Hi Velvet,

In my opinion, trust is important in a relationship and I don’t hear trust for your ex in any of your posts and I also don’t hear any reason for him to deserve your trust.
– yes, I agree to this. This is the main reason I chose to leave in the first place, because I told him I could accept the gambling and help him through it because none of us wanted this. But I can never deal with another woman, and while i can give you the benefit of the doubt, hiding gambling from me for over a year makes it impossible for me to believe you. And when I talked to him a month ago, he turned it into my fault. Although he would never admit to cheating (because who would), he never told me to stay and even went as far as saying he doesn’t know if he loves me or not. That kills me because I love him so much and I’m willing to work through the relationship if he can meet me halfway.

I suggest you ask yourself why ‘you’ feel guilty about leaving him alone?, by detaching and allowing him to face his demons and determine what he wants to do with his life is, in my opinion, the best thing for both of you. If he abuses his freedom then it is down to him, not you.
– I feel guilty mostly because I know I could’ve done more. I decided out of emotions to leave to save myself and ended up regretting it. That when I asked for him back, he wouldnt take me because I left him alone, and he cant trust me not to leave again if we get back together and things get difficult again. It doesn’t make sense, really, this is why I’m so confused. I get where hes coming from, but i am devastated that i am willing to forgive him for far more mistakes than he is. What he is not forgiving me for is a technicality of breaking up vs asking for time to think about things (when I already did). I know I did the right thing logically, but my heart tells me otherwise. I’m just at this point of being stuck between 2 hard decisions–moving on or letting go. If I get the dog, there will definitely be no future for us. If I don’t, it will be harder for me to move on because I’m constantly worried, but the door for reconciliation will be open if he chooses to go that route. I just know that if i want to start the process of healing in a more efficient way, my brain has to be focused on me so I have to get the dog so I stop worrying about his well being, and finally take a big step towards healing. If the dog were a human child of ours, I wouldn’t have left him with my ex no matter what he said. Whether he chooses to forgive me for that or not, I hope I’ll be in a better place by then to not care.

Ask yourself why “I am stuck in a very desperate and unhealthy spiral of wanting to move on and wanting him back” when you are exhausted from ‘his’ indecision.
– maybe it’s hope that when he gets better, he will want to come back? I don’t know. I’m just so confused. Sorry for rambling and seemingly repetitive issues. It’s just an extremely difficult place to be in. My last breakup that was close to being this difficult was in 2008 and even that is nothing compared to the heartbreak I’m going through now. I honestly never thought I’d be here again, and it never even crossed my mind that he would be the one to bring me back here. It was an amazing 3 or so years, until 2021 where all of the problems came out. I want to piece it together but I know that its just going to be wasted energy since I won’t know for sure and nothing will change the outcome anyway.

Thanks again for reading and taking the time to reply.

[melanie]

Hi, Velvet. Thanks again for taking the time to reply. I’ve been thinking about the best course of action and your insight is highly valuable in forming my decision, along with others.

– If your ex is still attending GA and trying to work the 12 steps, I am sure there will be people in his group who are aware of his progress, so he is not alone: I think he still is, but I’m not entirely sure. I caught him possibly lying or just a simple mistake when he said he’s been attending in-person GA meetings on Saturdays but when I checked the schedule online, it was actually Sunday. I wouldn’t know for sure unless I show up where they meet and I don’t want to do that.

– The dog (as I am sure you agree) is the one creature he can be honest with, the one creature who will not and cannot enable him but can give him love however, if the dog is looking malnourished or neglected, then I think it is right to take him back.: I certainly agree with this 100%, and he had said when we talked a month ago that he’s the only one my ex has, and my taking him back will definitely send him into a spiral thats why i left it with him for the meantime. I explained that i gave it to him under the premise that we would be living together anyway so it wouldn’t be really letting it go, until the gambling came out. 3 out of 5 of the litter remained with me because I couldn’t stand not seeing them. The other puppy, I gave to my brother’s family and is being treated extremely well and I get to visit whenever I want, or is brought to our house when they come over.

The dog isn’t looking malnourished from last month, but I am not at ease leaving the dog with him because I am worried about the dog most of the time especially since I know he is being left for far longer and more often than he needs to be, since he goes to work on weekdays and goes out on weekends. It does seem selfish of me to take it back, but as my ex repeatedly said, he doesn’t know if he loves me or if we ever have a chance to get back together in the future. At this point, I feel like I have to move on as I’ve tried everything to get him back or even just try to be there for him in whatever capacity he needs. Taking the dog back will help me stop worrying and keeping tabs on him as i will be cutting off connections on social media where i get news from him and what hes up to. I wanted to deactivate all my accounts as an alternative, but since my work is dependent on it, it’s not a possibility for me. Although I know that if i ever decide to get the dog back, all doors for reconciliation will be closed because he bottles up resentment and grudges deeply. I don’t think I’ll ever be forgiven for it, even though my uncle thinks otherwise since everything is a consequence of his gambling and making amends is part of his 12 steps.

– I am still confused about the part the girl plays in all your concerns. Your ex has not made the right noises regarding her and although he might just be seeking enablement elsewhere, I think you must be aware that I can have no idea what is actually going on.: I agree that no one but him and his circle can know for sure. He is very secretive and has history of cheating on multiple past partners, although all of these happened before me. He has insisted he didn’t cheat on me, but there were times that I would be triggered because of him deleting messages, the mystery hair in the toilet, and this new girl I haven’t heard of that he’s now suddenly close to who knows all of his problems, cropping up. His family and his co-parenting partner doesnt even know he has a gambling problem as of 3 weeks ago, but this new girl is the one selling my ring on the internet. So I have my suspicions. He has a secretive streak, and would admit that our communication 6 years ago started when he was still committed to someone else, so i wouldnt put it past him to hide things. I am stuck in a very desperate and unhealthy spiral of wanting to move on and wanting him back and I am just exhausted because through his indecision, he has made it clear that he does not want me in his life. I just can’t bear being in this limbo and then down the line, finding out that I am not the one he chooses to be with. I am in so much pain and anxiety that most days, at multiple times during the day, I find it difficult to breathe.

Most of the relationships ive been in ended because of 3rd parties, and, before my ex, I was single for 7 years. I thought that I had healed and even with his history, he had shown me that he has learned from his past and is a better person when we got together. He was the best partner in the first 3 years of our relationship, but our fights were different since 2021. I could sense that he just lost the drive to continue and was just there possibly out of obligation. Looking back, I have my suspicions, but it can’t be proven. What I do know for sure is that legal online gambling here only started in 2021. I have started going to counseling with a psychologist (I chose someone who also specializes in addiction, among other areas) since I realized I haven’t healed my past trauma and attachment wounds, but I still have a long way to go since I only started 2 weeks ago.

I was also introduced to detaching with love but I’m not entirely sure what that means. What I know for sure is that he still blames me for leaving him alone (which I am very guilty of), and that he is having a hard time facing me and anyone who is close to me, as proven when he ran into my best friend more than once and he, very blatantly, avoided them. Whether he hates me or is guilty for what he’s done, I’m not sure. But it’s still painful that he can so easily thank our common friends for being part of his recovery for offering him financial support one time while I get nothing but i-dont-knows, blame, confusion, and pain.

[melanie]

Hi, Velvet. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I have 6 shih tzus and 1 mixed breed. I love them all like my own children and have been a huge comfort to me throughout this whole time.

I have consulted with my uncle who’s more than a decade (nearing 2 decades, I think) sober with drugs and very actively involved in our local Celebrate Recovery. I explained everything to him and gave valuable insight as to what my ex might be going through.

There’s still a lot of pride and isolation going on, which may point to not being in real recovery, only abstinence. He advised me the same thing you did, to take care of myself and if it helps me, to get the dog back despite possibly leaving my ex in a spiral because what he needs are people, and not use the dog as an excuse not to do the internal work. He could barely afford his own food, and is not in the position to take care of another life. I should also be ready to let go and let my ex come to me when he is okay and will consider to give him the dog back once I see that there are significant changes towards healing and true recovery. He told me not to worry about him reaching out– if he’s in real recovery, he will reach out because I am the one that was most affected by his gambling and it is part of the 12 steps. He has chosen not to tell his family, only 1 out of 2 brothers know. Right now, my uncle said, he’s showing me that he doesnt need me in his life and might be running to other people who barely know him or accept the facade he’s putting up which isn’t helpful to his recovery. He is turning to other people who will feel sorry for him and possibly enable him. He said its important to send a message that i know what im dealing with when it comes to recovery, and he will realize that one day. He also might be too focused on the financial problems involved and probably can’t work on real recovery which may come later when he sees that all of the financial solutions I brought up when we were together are the only options that he has. If he’s playing the victim, he hasn’t accepted that he is the problem. He hopefully will realize it one day, if he’s able to continuously and sincerely work out the 12 steps, that despite what it looks like now, it is the kind of help that he needs.

It’s hard to apply the tough love approach, but my uncle said that’s what my ex needs right now and would also love to get your thoughts on this? I’m scared he might spiral and possibly take his own life if I don’t return the dog on our scheduled date. I’m too scared to be the reason for his possible spiral and rock bottom. I plan to remove our connections on all social media if I get the dog and just retain my cellphone number for him to be able to reach me when he is ready to. Hoping to get your thoughts on this because I feel like it’s about to get really messy, depending on how well he’s able to take it.

Thank you for your offer of pointing him towards this group, but we live in a different country. It’s nice to have found this forum on my own since where we live, not a lot of support is readily available for F&F. It has been a huge help and I’m sure for countless other people too.

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