[Monica1]

You know it and I know it Jonny. It can only destroy and you are no longer in that place. I know about being emotionally hurt and wanting to gamble. Time spent alone and out
of work a big trigger. I sometimes was glad when my contract ended so I could gamble. WRONG! You are so better than that Jonny. You have come a long way and you are an inspiration and support for us CGs on this site.

[Monica1]

Yes, jappy I am a kind person and cannot bear to see others suffering in life. Yet I have put myself through the wringer. I mean really put myself through it. The gambling definitely pressed the self destruct button. I keep asking myself how I got from this unwell, but recovered from cancer, very solvent professional woman to the wreckage of today. Gambling gambling gambling. In GA the other night I read the I am Addiction text. If you have ever read, it, I recommend you do. It is frightening and horrifying. But that is what addiction does.

[Monica1]

Thanks Jonny, I have always related to your story. I have lived my life at work mostly to get away from my personal and family life which has always been a bit of a shambles, so without it I am quite bereft. But I do acknowledge right now that I have a lot of medical issues to sort out plus the depression. Bit of a vicious cycle, Work stops me being so depressed. I am in the hole for sixty five big ones. I always had debt of around 50 grand even before I gambled from supporting single handed the family over the years but everything I earned in the last 5 years has gone on gambling. I guess life just got too much when you look back and realise that you have made some very poor choices in life but did not have the best start. Jon, I read your posts about your back surgery and I think you have remarkable courage and strength. I appreciate yours,Vera and jappys response to my posts.

[Monica1]

Hi Jon and Vera
Vera I just caught your post. Only read I did it’s as very used to no response! I was beginning to think the world would not miss me at all so I relate to your own comments Vera. The trouble with being down and there being no let up is that some people get very angry for seemingly being negative and bringing them down. This male very arrogant poster was basically saying I had no one, that my ex had been using me and that my children don’t care. This plunged me into an even worse place than I already was. I wrote back and said he had no idea, was arrogant and opinionated and that I would stop posting on the rethink site. He is still actively gambling and boasts about his income. I have felt so tired with all of this. Jon, when you say things will fall into place, I have my doubts. At my last relapse, it took 4 months. I cannot go that long in this situation. You would think there was some mercy in life, wouldn’t you but all I keep getting is harshness to ensure I learn the lesson. Well, it’s learned. Universe, give e a break ffs.

[Monica1]

Hi Jon and Vera
Vera I just caught your post. Only read I did it’s as very used to no response! I was beginning to think the world would not miss me at all so I relate to your own comments Vera. The trouble with being down and there being no let up is that some people get very angry for seemingly being negative and bringing them down. This male very arrogant poster was basically saying I had no one, that my ex had been using me and that my children don’t care. This plunged me into an even worse place than I already was. I wrote back and said he had no idea, was arrogant and opinionated and that I would stop posting on the rethink site. He is still actively gambling and boasts about his income. I have felt so tired with all of this. Jon, when you say things will fall into place, I have my doubts. At my last relapse, it took 4 months. I cannot go that long in this situation. You would think there was some mercy in life, wouldn’t you but all I keep getting is harshness to ensure I learn the lesson. Well, it’s learned. Universe, give e a break ffs.

[Monica1]

Hi,
Thanks I did it. I find the same when I need support and I really do at the moment. It’s a desert. I just came off another forum as a member posted exactly what they think about my ex partner and my children not helping me. It was an opinionated arrogant male clearly ego driven gambler. It hurt. I have been to step change twice the first time same as you, the second time a bit more helpful. It is bankruptcy which kills my career off. I cannot even face any of that right now, I think I will come on to the Gordon Moody groups.

[Monica1]

Woke up feeling very tired. Told my 1st benefit will be delayed until I produce other medical certificate. No let up at day 45. Have been avoiding opening letters and phone calls from debt collectors for some time as cannot deal with it. Spoke to one today who said that as I had a mental Heath problem would not call for another thirty days. This brought it all home to me today. This situation feels like it will never end. No money since the eleventh august. This is the uk folks. I am getting tired and cannot tolerate this situation for much longer. Given food bank vouchers for one miles away. Day 45. Still no change.

[Monica1]

Jappy is right rainmaker. we have all done it, some of us over time for similar amounts of money. You are not alone, it is a sickness and it is progressive. The depression is normal. You must go and get some help either on the groups here or GA. On day 43, GA is my lifeline and you will get no judgment and the support you require. My last relapse was a 48 hour meltdown too and I lost every penny. The destructive CG was at is worst. And I do not want to go back to that. It takes some serious work on oneself but what is the alternative. Starting the cycle again and again until we end up mad, suicidal or commit crime to feed the beast. That is the choice. Keep posting rainman. We know how you feel as we have all been there and it takes time to heal.

[Monica1]

I am on day 42 abstinence after hitting rock bottom. My Gp agrees I am depressed but was happy to go with my view to not want a chemical cosh to function. I am fairly sure that antidepressants help some people but they are also addictive. Better to get to the root cause of the depression. No doubt that a gambling addiction causes severe depression and can induce manic depression with the highs and lows. This is just my own view. Best to speak to a medical professional. Sanity and regaining back ourselves can happen when we stop gambling. My outer circumstances have nit changed and that would depress anyone but my GA friends have noticed a difference in the broken me that went to my first meeting and the me now with all my problems. Hope that helps.

[Monica1]

Hi, trailrunner. Yes it is possible to quit the crack cocaine of the gambling world. Firstly you have to really want to and that normally means hitting rock bottom as this addiction is progressive taking people to suicide, prison or insanity. So do you really want to stop trailrunner? If you do, go get help from GA, who are excellent at support, and cut off your access to money and the casinos. Sounds like you gamble in casinos trailrunner? Self exclude. I hit rock bottom playing slots for five and a half years. I a. On day 42, and attend GA. Has. Y situation improved in that time. Sorry to say it hasn’t but I know that overtime it will. It takes time to regain what the addiction has taken away from us and that is mostly our self. They say it takes 30 days to rewire the brain from a slot addiction. My experience is there is an element of truth in that. In the first few weeks of abstinence my brain did not function as it usually does with depression, tiredness and forgetfulness. That is gradually going. So it is a journey we go on to regain the parts of ourselves that have been lost to this ghastly addiction. What I do know trailrunner is that this addiction cannot be fought on our own. It really cannot so go get help and support to quit if that is really what you decide to do. This addiction has ways of keeping the hooks in and we have to break each and every one of them. Good luck.

[Monica1]

Thanks Jonny. I do have a sponsor at GA and we are starting the Step work tomorrow. I also post regularly at rethink ga bling where I have a couple of lady kindred spirits with a lot in common. This is the site where I receive the least replies except for yourself, Vera and I did it. I had read all your posts Jonny and can relate very well to your experience. I am trying to learn patience but not much has changed. Ga folk say I am doing well. My answer to that is that 41 days is nothing, I once stayed stopped for nine months. My usual is 3 to 4 months then relapse. I have no money at all. The real test is having money and consistently staying clean. Thanks for replying Jonny, I feel like I know you and your struggles with gambling from your posts.

[Monica1]

Haven’t posted for a few days as get fed up wth no replies. I have been sleeping a lot and realised that I am clinically depressed so self referred for counselling. A job that I was going to be offered fell through as I realised the expenses were too high, at least 1k per month, so too far really and I would not be able to clam thembackuntilyear end. The work coach at the dole office would not give me the fare help to get to a interview to discuss the logistics of the job. Right job and organisation but just wrong location. Had some spiritual counselling this evening which I found helpful to the extent I went out of the house to the shop. My daughter has invited me to stay with her for a short while by the coast which I am considering.

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting I did it. Like you when out of my home environment I never gamble. The issues are all to do with home. I am glad you haven’t taken things down to 0 as I did. That is the next stage I did it. You are so right to throw your all into it. That is what it will take. It is the enemy out to destroy and it will. I am glad you are finding some support from GA. we cannot do this on our own. That I know from many fruitless attempts to give up on my own. Even with therapy I did not stop. Hitting your own personal rock bottom is when recovery starts. Let us know how you get on.

[Monica1]

Well done for not gambling. Very sorry to hear about your family member. It is possibly the most difficult thing to do, to sit with a family member who is making the transition from this life. No one should be in pain on this journey. Are they getting all the appropriate palliative or hospice care? Remember that you are not alone and that there are people on this forum who care.

[Monica1]

Hi, thanks for your post on my journal. Maybe I can adapt my learning to a Christian way. I will give that to Jesus to work on. Please let us know how you are doing I did it.

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