[Monica1]

Well done on chairing a GA meeting. It means that you are really doing well in your recovery to the extent that you are helping others which you do anyway on this site. We are all grateful for that as if you didn’t most of the time we would be talking to thin air. I am really pleased for you. On the diet, I have not been able to eat anything much for the past 4 weeks ever since the repossession notice firstly because I was in so much pain and secondly because there is hardly any food around. Once I get back on my feet, the diet has to get better and the smoking will have to go also.But one thing ata time. The medication is kicking in and the pain much reduced. I managed to eat some chicken soup and noodles this evening with hardly any pain, whereas before it was hours of pain after eating previously. My tv has packed in which is a good thing as I am looking at energy medicine techniques to use to make me feel better and also reading self help type stuff. Will let you know how I get on with those. My hours when I am out of work go very weird, I am up most of the night and sleep during the day till after 12. That will need to change soon too.

[Monica1]

Well, not been well with this ulcer hardly able to hold anything in my tum without pain, but the strong ulcer medication I am taking has started to kick in and not in so much pain later today. I am putting together a programme of things I must start to do this week, will let you all know if I succeed or not. Had an email in caps for the bailiffs, this is your last chance etc. Deleted it. Can hardly speak to these horrible people who being to some other human race and make a living out of other people’s misery. Dealing with the debt will come later. For now, I am just focusing on getting physically well and saving my home, if that is possible. Good not to be in so much pain as I was. Left me in tears. I recognise the link between the stress of my situation and ending up with a stomach ulcer. Also the unexpressed emotions of anger and pain that have been stored in my body and are now being released for healing. That is the way I like to see it. That this is a release and the only way I can go is further along the recovery path. Day 27 today. Odaat with my higher power running this particular show.

[Monica1]

Hi, I did it. I have now been to 4 meetings of GA. I can honestly say in my five and a half year gambling habit GA is the thing that is helping me most. I found counselling with gamcare and the national problem gambling clinic pretty useless. GA is founded on spiritual principles and fellowship. You will not find any judgment there. And some people’s stories are worse than my own. I find compassion and humility from attending and also practical help in embarking on the 12 step programme. I have just started on it with a sponsor. I also care about other people finding out but really I think this is a minor worry compared to the benefit of the programme. I believe it will help me to get myself back to who I used to be only better.

[Monica1]

Hi, I did it. I have now been to 4 meetings of GA. I can honestly say in my five and a half year gambling habit GA is the thing that is helping me most. I found counselling with gamcare and the national problem gambling clinic pretty useless. GA is founded on spiritual principles and fellowship. You will not find any judgment there. And some people’s stories are worse than my own. I find compassion and humility from attending and also practical help in embarking on the 12 step programme. I have just started on it with a sponsor. I also care about other people finding out but really I think this is a minor worry compared to the benefit of the programme. I believe it will help me to get myself back to who I used to be only better.

[Monica1]

Really good!

[Monica1]

Well, finally got to see GP today and told him the whole sorry story. Have to have some tests but being treated for a stomach ulcer. Went to GA this evening and chose a sponsor for working Steps 1 to 3 even though I myself are on step 3,surrendering to my higher power. This works folks. In answer to Charles about how I am filling my days, resting, playing games on my iPad and looking for a job. Have been physically unwell so being easy on myself. Finding GA a great support.

[Monica1]

Well, finally got to see GP today and told him the whole sorry story. Have to have some tests but being treated for a stomach ulcer. Went to GA this evening and chose a sponsor for working Steps 1 to 3 even though I myself are on step 3,surrendering to my higher power. This works folks. In answer to Charles about how I am filling my days, resting, playing games on my iPad and looking for a job. Have been physically unwell so being easy on myself. Finding GA a great support.

[Monica1]

Well, finally got to see GP today and told him the whole sorry story. Have to have some tests but being treated for a stomach ulcer. Went to GA this evening and chose a sponsor for working Steps 1 to 3 even though I myself are on step 3,surrendering to my higher power. This works folks. In answer to Charles about how I am filling my days, resting, playing games on my iPad and looking for a job. Have been physically unwell so being easy on myself. Finding GA a great support.

[Monica1]

Thanks I did it for your post of encouragement. Day 22 today. My ex has cooked a great meal so that feels better to get that inside of me and has given me 25 quid. So that is all good. I am going to look for the good in each day which when out of work, every day feels the same. I am grateful to be alive still but do struggle with motivation at the moment. In respect of the rent. I have rung them. They do not want to evict but will. They said they would get their financial inclusion team to call me but that was over a week ago. I will call them again tomorrow. The reason re financial inclusion is that because I have a second bedroom, the benefits system do not pay all the rent and it is 150 short a month which leaves nothing to live on or pay bills. Take note all from the UK, that this Government are criminally responsible for hurting the vulnerable. Well, that rant over, I am just taking it all 1 day at a time,building strength and being aware that something positive will come out of this, even if it serves as a warning to others as to the eventual outcome of a gambling addiction. I am grateful that I only ever used my own money or loans to gamble. In New Life the other day, the GA mag, the end result for the addicted gambler is prison, homelessness, mental institution or suicide. Well, I have been close to the edge with my sanity and am one step away from the homelessness. No more time to be wasted gambling ever again.

[Monica1]

Hi Vera and all,
ThAnks for getting back. Yes, you are right about the impatience. Thanks for the reminder about higher power. Just went for a walk through the park. Feel a little better in myself today. The exhaustion goes when I start to move. The tummy pain has eAsed off after 3 weeks with it. I am forcing myself to eat small amounts regularly as been unable to Eat properly since the repossession order kicked in. Hope this continues and my strength returns.

[Monica1]

After a truly awful week with chest and stomach pain, I went to GA last evening, If there is just one thing i positively dothis week it is to go to GA. I felt the floodgates open prior to Going and sure enough they did open. I was angry with God and then even angrier with myself. It’s not God fault, it’s mine. A member took mefor something to eat after and for a chat which helped a it. I came back and read jonnys posts. I feel the same self blame and guilt, having lost a similar amount of money over 5years. Enough to have bought a house and do e something useful with. This last relapse was the end for me and rock bottom. The cg was at its. It’s destructive. I wonder whether any normality will ever be regained. Virtually destitute, it seems that there is no let up to my abject misery. I wonder whether it is too late for me. Is my God a punishing God. Sometimes I think so. My sister texted me. She looks after my frail mum who almost passed during emergency surgery last year and has recently had cataract surgery and has developed complications so back to the hospital. I cannot bear seeing close family suffering any way. She ended the text with hope all is well with you. Bloody hell, how many times do I have to shout it from the rooftops that all is not well with me. My family just seem to think this is minor and I will bounce back. I know it is not minor, that this is life or death to me. I am still choosing life and hope that life chooses me. day 19. No improvement or let up in my personal situation.

[Monica1]

Hi, no not possible to move I in with family as no room in any oftheir houses. Sons are staying with their father and I already rang him and had to put the phone down. Long lecture that I did not need GA etc. My mother is frail and my sister cares for her. There has always been the assumption from my family that I bounce back and don’t need help. They just don’t get it. You see I really am on my own. Phone help from GA no answer after three tries. Every relapse has pulled me even lower. I know that the CG inside me wanted me to die this time. I know it. There is literally nohelp there. An admission will just prolong my illness even more. I need to step out of that and quickly try and recovery the situation. Except when you keep hitting your head against a brick wall and getting nowhere, you feel that it is pointless. This is more than a wake up call, it is the last chance saloon.

[Monica1]

Hi, no not possible to move I in with family as no room in any oftheir houses. Sons are staying with their father and I already rang him and had to put the phone down. Long lecture that I did not need GA etc. My mother is frail and my sister cares for her. There has always been the assumption from my family that I bounce back and don’t need help. They just don’t get it. You see I really am on my own. Phone help from GA no answer after three tries. Every relapse has pulled me even lower. I know that the CG inside me wanted me to die this time. I know it. There is literally nohelp there. An admission will just prolong my illness even more. I need to step out of that and quickly try and recovery the situation. Except when you keep hitting your head against a brick wall and getting nowhere, you feel that it is pointless. This is more than a wake up call, it is the last chance saloon.

[Monica1]

Hi
Jonny, thanks for the pep talk. I am nearly 60. I am a life long meditator. I have done all the positive affirmations so many times.. Issue is now I don’t believe them because of where my energy is at. It feels like I am finished on many levels. I had a car crash of a telephone interview on Friday, and was forgetful. I forgot where I last worked. But I did just have 20 minutes notice of it and clearly my head was not in the right place. There is now a lack of work in what I do. It has been more difficult to get contracts as I have gotten older over the past couple of years and that is affecting me. It feels hard to go back out into a world I don’t really care much for. Last time out of work was 4 months following a relapse, and the contract I went into did not work out for many reasons least of all doing three people jobs and it being 4 hours dailytravel. Feels insurmountable. It feels like the universe won’t shift until I do. So need to get out of this stuckness.

[Monica1]

Friends, being a CG brings nothing but pain and despair. I have stopped eating, chain smoke and can’t sleep at the thought of being out on the street. I literally can’t do anything. I feel like I am just waiting to die. Will this pain ever go away? Nowhere to go and nothing to do. Don’t see the point of living. This is as bad as it gets. Looking for a glimmer of hope and finding none.

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