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thank you for the warm welcome back :)))) I am going to start actively seeking a second “little job” @ nights to keep me busy & help sort out my somewhat “messy” finances…while the biggies (mortgage, car, utilities) are ALWAYS paid; alas some credit cards are very delinquent….part of my problem has to do with being a hyper active person. ALL of my casino activity has been after dark (most of the time after midnight) These are my trigger hours when work and other activities are done for the day. The bad place was like an evil little place calling me in. At times I felt very “dirty” when I was driving down the interstate with the promise of “gambling”……Friends if I have to be honest; b4 the racino opened up, I was driving to All night Walmarts and Targets…..lol….and at LEAST I had something to show for it. Now I NEVER shop unless utterly necessary. I DO KNOW that I will continue to try and understand my habits through self reflection, possible therapy (if insurance will pay), mild sedatives (which DO help, but I don’t want to be dependent) and continuing to visit and learn from places like this …..I have stated b4 that we TRULY are all in this together, and in reading others stories we learn, relate, and think. Have a WONDERFUL gambling free evening, Friends!!!!!!!! Razzabelle xxx
Saturday…..keeping a low profile….almost 8pm on the East Coast….Primetime for going to Casino….I WILL NOT compromise the pride I feel for something so insignificant as being "caught up" with my bills….lol…Being caught up USED to be just a part of life BEFORE I started ******* away my hard earned monies. Neva, I am with YOU….NO GAMBLING Today…..If I have to CHAIN myself to a chair; NO GAMBLING TODAY ?? hope everyone has a gamble free Saturday evening!You Get What You Give
Friday Night……casino night not for me. Chasing losses….being manipulated by my own mental frenzy of anticipating a "big win"…..did JUST THAT two weeks ago on July 27th, a Friday night. Was up 3200 @ midnight….by 6 am when they were running the sweepers and the "Garda" van was outside the casino, I was digging in my pockets for dollar bills and change to gas up b4 returning home. I paid my mortgage today, I got some food (for the animals too)….paid the water company….not in too bad a financial place. But why doesn’t anyone warn us of the "letdown’" of intelligent actions of not gambling. I feel very confused by it all….and I HAVE NOT gone home with any winnings in months. Quite the opposite; I consider it an excellent night if I am only down 100 dollars or so…..Harry, I am trying…..I am NOT gambling today and I DO NOT feel like such a loser…..You Get What You Give
danchaser, harry…..thank you for insight…I specifically related to Danchasers tale of "the losing walk to the car"…..I had a horrible day today. Just NO money to get food for the cats…small thing I guess…no toilet paper in the house either….getting paid Friday, but whole check goes for mortgage …..took s few Xanax to try and sleep my self to never never land. Do people really kill themselves over this addiction? Probably…..if I had the guts I would….too much embarrassment to my kids/parents/…..I feel like SUCH a loser….so hopeless…..please pray for us all….You Get What You Give
Hi Danchaser….You sound VERY DETERMINED and that is an excellent thing:)….I loved your line about "no wonder compulsive gambling causes insanity"…..I too have felt like I am about to go bonkers. Sending you encouraging thoughts and hope that we will ALL have a gambling free day! Keep Fighting This!You Get What You Give
***** Sherry & Ican! Weds. evening here; just enjoyed good meal and some facebook time. Trying to keep busy until bedtime for Weds. evening was always my "spin to win" the magical horror of "free play" night. Why is it that we CG’s suffer from SUCH low self-esteem? I have a few basic theories, one being that even if we have a "hit" of course we DO NOT leave the casino (like a normal person) instead like Sherry said, "even with her purse full of twenties, they continually fed into the mouth of the beasts, until they were gone" (this is my own "play" on Sherry’s word:))….Now, we are broke ie: OUT OF MONEY. Money, pays bills, allows us to live, food, live life, transportation. Think about it, we spend money every day JUST TO LIVE. Now, the money is GONE. Oh boy, compound the feelings of letting down people we care for with our shame, anger at ourselves, ect..ect….Gosh people, it is a wonder we have ANY self-esteem at all. Interesting enough, I consider myself a "sensitive" very in tune with the feelings of others in my sphere. For the past year or so, I had very bad vibes at the "racino"…I mean that…an undercurrent of nervous, kinetic, energy spilling onto the floor, enveloping the "players" especially we CG’s in its ironclad, unrelenting grip. I see false shrugs and forced smiles…if I was floating above the place on lovely clean air, I KNOW my heart would break …..for the casino/racino whatever you call it, is NOT a happy place. I have NOT gambled today <3 I hope my fellow CG’s are enjoying peace and clarity today. I will close now…..goodnight friends! *** Razz *** You Get What You Give
Hi Hetty! ?? I am SO HAPPY you didn’t gamble today!!!!! *** Hugs & Support! You GO GIRL!!!! *** Razz ***You Get What You Give
RIGHT ON SHERRY! ?? I just posted on RG’s topic that I have felt like I was going INSANE during the Blackest days of my addiction. I would hold in my need to "pee" for HOURS, I had a nagging, pain in my wrist. My weight was down to 119 (BELIEVE me at 5"8 NOT A PRETTY SIGHT) YIKES….just typing once more makes the thought of gambling choke me. Funny though while I am living like a "bum" right now, I am not too unhappy tonight….I still haven’t got my car payment straightened out, but it’s like I care but I don’t? I also do NOT want to blame the "racino" for any of this….I blame MYSELF…I need to keep busy (like on here:) and FOCUS on My RECOVERY> Positives: Food in the fridge, cats happy, warm house, NO GAMBLING TODAY! Thank You Sherry, for caring! *** Razz *** You Get What You Give
Thank You Maverick! I wish a LOVELY GAMBLE FREE DAY to YOU; Friend! *** RazzYou Get What You Give
No gambling Today, Saturday January 5, 2013!! Sherry, I hear you when you say"You NEVER walk out a winner"….lol….I remember in the "darkest days" of my addiction, winning 900 $ on a single 50 cent bet (Gosh would that $ be beneficial this day) and proceeding to throw it ALL AWAY and an additional 300 $ on TOP of that…..Jeepers creepers; just typing that out makes me want to "HEAVE"…..Mercy, NO DESIRE to gamble right now! ***** Hope EVERYONE had a gamble free DAY:) RazzYou Get What You Give
Oh Larry, Hetty, Carole, EVERYONE! I WANT TO LIVE!!! I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!! I am crying as I type….Gosh, this disease is EMOTIONAL….Thanking Good Lord that I found alll of the incredibly, strong, supportive fellow CG’s ….WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE! WE HAVE A DISEASE…..I woke up this morning feeling the familiar sickness of despair that comes with KNOWING you don’t have available funds for basic ***** (toilet paper out) and my partner (Bobby) has the flu, he took the last roll and was blowing his nose…needless to say I pointed out that I would not be able to do a Wal-Mart run for a long time so please be prudent with the remaining tp, cause I am going to have to borrow some from my sister. This stupid remark escalated into a huge fight that resulted in ME: crying….Him: Leaving with his friend Rob to go use his "free play" and saying "F U I am NOT coming back"……Result of this: I am on the fence…Oh Lord, I am NOT even sure if I love this man any longer…..Too much enabling each others CG…Friends, I also suspect he is doing illegal *****….OK ….I said it, and my Mama always says, "If it smells like a rat…."; well you know the rest of that old line….I need to breathe….OK my Mortgage is PAID….Car & cable & Power Co……NOT.. PAID. NO $$$. OK…Bobby owes me 265$ right now….if he REALLY IS GONE; I KNOW I will not get this. I have 200 coming in on Friday…that will cover the cable….Focus POSITIVE…there is food here; the kids are good; their father has them this weekend; they do not care for Bobby and will be very happy if they return tomorrow and he has left. OK: I can hold off PP&L (power co) for a bit….Bad…my car. I am only 5 days late but honestly can’t let it get out of hand…..OH Goodness; when I was a little girl without a care in the world, I never dreamed that my life would be such a mess…did any of us? Oh Larry, when you mentioned not being able to send your daughter some money this month, well, that just tore me up. I NEVER have money for my daughter….it wasn’;t always that way….I have given up SO many important parts of my life to enable my compulsive gambling. Yet, friends, because of this safe haven, I NO LONGER WANT TO DIE! Inspiration: I owe about 6 thousand dollars on my car, and the KBB value is double that. Even if I can sell it for 10….shouldn’t I be able to get a decent pre owned NON-FINANCED back & forth to grocery store, work, vehicle for 4 thousand dollars? Inspired, I will sign off and google like crazy. I LOVE & VALUE you people ***** Let us make today a GAMBLE FREE day ***** Razz You Get What You Give
Thank you for the words and thought provoking post Larry:) You are SO correct on so many levels….this is a horrific progrssive disease. Yada Yada Me:) I am feeling sad because I like going to gamble on Friday night, and since my last "Horror" I got paid today. I had LOTS of cash in my hands, and was SO tempted to get a :headache and drive to racino and try my luck. Instead I walked over to BOA and paid my mortgage. Because our payroll dept messed up our deductions, my check was actually short 28 dollars. Bottom line….I left myself 12 dollars for the weekend. Drove home, and did laundry. Now like our other CG, SG I am home broke, with 4 cigarettes, and just feeling Blah. I am or try to be a normally positive person, but tonight I just feel "YucK"….so to let you know Larry, your reply did give me some "food for thought" I really NEED to get on the blacklist and try to organize whatever is in my head that is stopping me. I can blame my partner (who refuses to blacklist) but that is unfair & untrue. This is MY addiction. I have to CHOOSE LIFE….I am going to read more forum posts…..*** Razz You Get What You Give
Please don’t gamble Hetty…..Try with ALL your strength…..Focus…..Breathe….go for a walk; clean out a drawer; call a friend; bake a cherry pie (yummy:) anything but that WASTE of our life; HORRIBLE addiction. YOU have helped ME very much so thus far. Girl, you are THOUSANDS of miles away, but I feel you right here with me. Doesn’t it feel wonderful to have helped another woman during her time of despair? I pray and hope my support can help you too. YOU are SO MUCH BETTER then those EVIL, GROTESQUE, MACHINES….*** Much love, RazzYou Get What You Give