[sirena0215]

Great job on your recovery by not gambling today!

Don’t be sorry – posting your thoughts and feelings as many times as you need to is exactly what this space is for – a safe place for you to get anything you feel off your chest and whatever you think off your mind.

This is a very difficult time for you, and you are right, not many people will understand unless they have been through or touched by this terrible addiction. But if we keep the addiction hidden and stay quiet, then it continues to have power over us and our choices. Fear also keeps us from the truth and getting support. I know it’s also difficult to imagine now, but most people will want to help you and understand what you are going through once you tell them what’s happened. I’m sure your family loves you. There will be help when you are ready. You are brave enough and strong enough to do it.

[sirena0215]

Hi C933,
I understand exactly what you’re going through because I ran these scenarios in my head for many months before I decided to make things right and come clean with the people who mattered most to me. I believed I would neither receive or deserve help after embezzling, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Hurting and disappointing the people I most admired was one of the most painful experience in my life.

I accepted the fact that I couldn’t control what anyone would feel, say or do. Being the pragmatist that I am, I also prepared for the worst-case scenario. I was completely willing to pay for my mistakes. But by trying to fix it on my own, I’d become my own worst enemy.

You asked for advice about telling your family and I only have the following to say: Don’t wait too long. You’ve made a good start here, with people who know exactly how frightening it is to admit to letting yourself down and letting others down. You’ve hit rock bottom and you are ready to make things right. In order to do that, you have to clear the path by speaking about your problem as honestly as you can to the best of your knowledge and understanding. It’ll be alright, just tell them what happened. Start with the person(s) you trust most in your family. Who do you think you could tell first? Start with them when you feel you are ready.

Good people make mistakes, C, just try to find it in yourself to accept you are human and need help.

Feel free to let us know your thoughts and concerns. We’re here to listen.

All the Best,
Sirena

[sirena0215]

Lol! I was just thinking the other day that my gambling was a fatal attraction, rather than a love affair.

[sirena0215]

Hello I Can,

Were you able to get to the gym today or doing anything for yourself? I have no doubt you will find something that allows you to feel good AND find your groove!

My legs and abs are mad at me today, but totally expected from being away from training for so long. Tomorrow morning is my swim/cycle day.

For me, the game changer of this new program has been the nutrition side of the challenge, since 80 percent of body composition is from food and 20 percent from exercise.

Fortunately, one of my new interests at the beginning of my recovery was learning how to cook and preparing homemade meals. What a coincidence, right? I’m finding out my food discipline needs a lot of work, though, since I’ve never had to watch what I eat before. Meal planning is time consuming, but I don’t mind. This new program is going to keep me really busy for the next couple of months.

[sirena0215]

That is a stunning display of willpower, Dan, driving past casinos every day and deciding you just don’t give a damn about any of them. I sometimes wonder how well I would do in that environment.

Thank you also for reminding us where this addiction can take us. The utterly stark possible endings for a compulsive gambler are jail, insanity, and death. And I see a man who decided to live, after surviving his darkest, most insane moments of addiction. Your spirit is resilient. To bring oneself to start over again, and again, and again these past 20 years… That self-correction and never-ending effort deserves a medal. Also happy you didn’t choose that permanent solution to your temporary situation. Slip or no slip – what is important is you made the decision to live and the choice to stop. Choosing to stop is the best case scenario for a CG and the only one that allows us to walk away with dignity. That is the momentous choice for us, and sometimes it can mean the difference between life and death, and the beginning of a lifetime of prosperity or one of destitution.

Some of us were lucky enough to get thrown a lifeline when we chose wrong, via whatever grace manifested itself as help. I’m choosing to believe there’s a higher purpose in store for us because by all logic, I should be in jail and your cranial matter painting the walls. But I’m not in jail and your cranial matter is in tact, so time to “get busy living.” (You know it.)

[sirena0215]

Try catching Sleepy Hollow from the beginning, if you can. It has a twist of horror, humor, time travel/fantasy, a touch of history, and very fine acting – which is what I’m enjoying about it most. The premise is out there (but hey, so was the one about a chemistry teacher turned meth lord), but I found the pilot intriguing and the show just kept getting better from there.

What movies and shows are you watching this season?

[sirena0215]

I’ve started working out at a new gym and signed up for the How a CG Got Her Groove Back Program, but my trainers are calling it Cross Fit, Aqua Fit, Boot Camp, etc. But I know better, somewhere in those classes, I am hoping to meet someone who is a balanced version of old me, and becoming the new me.

This was the hardest piece of my roadmap to recovery to figure out, and one that I’ve implemented last for a couple of reasons. One, I’ve been sick twice last month. A huge indicator that I was severely rundown from stress. I’ve also finished my first round of bodywork. I went through several Chiropractic Doctors and Massage Therapists and my poor body is still a work in progress. Not sure I’ve found the right fit yet, but giving the clinic another week to see if my body responds to treatment. The last 3 months have taken a very real physical toll on my health, and I feel like I’ve been in a car accident. My body is acting like it has, anyway.

My commitment to physical training was what I had been most apprehensive about in my recovery for many, many reasons. In my late 20’s and throughout my entire 30’s (I’m 45 now), I was always working on ways to get myself killed (climbing, big mountain treks, surfing, martial arts, solo travel). This is the adventure-seeking, risk-taking part of my personality that had translated so strongly into gambling and why gambling was able to substitute some of the excitement, rush, and flow experiences that many past activities had provided.

I’ve been working out a program to manage my life in middle gear. I’m operating in low gear right now and won’t get into trouble any time soon, but from experience, physical training is an area where I need to proceed with caution so I don’t try to do too much, too soon. Probably no need to worry because I am in bad shape (sigh). Working through the disappointments around my BMI (body mass index), which had been steadily increasing during the last 5 years. Wow – what a round about way of saying I’m getting fat , old AND lazy!

But once I make a commitment, this is where I tend to get really compulsive and try to conquer or master a program very aggressively. I’m finding that my ‘chasing winnings’ tendencies come from this part of my life. Being goal-driven has been working against me for the last several weeks too. I’ve had trouble coming to an incremental gains mindset (both financially and physically) versus trying to achieve the usual big goals/milestones. Yet this incremental approach is exactly what I need to succeed in my new physical program and in my CG recovery! And the light bulb just flipped on, and I get why I’ve been saving this battle for last.

When I measure how many hours I had been spending gambling before I quit, it was approximately 20 hours per week, with most of it taking place over a 2 day period. That was exactly how many hours, prior to becoming a CG, that I was spending on physical training when I was involved in various projects, that in some cases, took several years to complete. This is also the number of hours I can spend on TV-binge watching or reading books and various other activities on a given weekend. So my pattern and preference is to try to sustain activities in large blocks of time.

Without a doubt, not having a physical goal was a huge missing component in my life, and I am really trying to take my counselor’s advice to do things that feel good versus imposing my annoying habit of pushing for big results in a certain direction. My ego and brain pathways are screaming, hell no, you can’t expect me to do that, but I’m hitting the delete button and walking into the gym saying “slow and steady, girl.”

When I was five and heard that old Tortoise and the Hare fable, I kind of felt sorry for the hare and thought, no way a rabbit could possibly have lost to a turtle. From a CG standpoint, I’m beginning to agree with Aesop about who really won that race.

[sirena0215]

Hi Dan, glad you are following your own positive feedback/reflection loop and not acting on urges. (Go us!)

Tragic personal experiences often lead to some degree of discovery or questioning, right? I’m more interested in causes at this stage, and not symptoms (for me these urges have largely dwindled). And I’d like to believe that if we pay attention and work hard enough at it, then yes, we’re likely to find some answers.

These days, I’m just relieved I’ve stopped trying to go it alone. It is humbling and a privilege to share difficult and agonizing experiences with fellow CGs/F&F, and I feel like I’m becoming part of a bigger picture (and mystery – since science doesn’t have all the answers yet). I’ve fully accepted membership in the CG club. Like you’ve mentioned before, it’s strange, but comforting, knowing that this is a universal problem striking all ages, genders, and across every socio-economic and cultural group. I understand now that I’ve survived a very real human condition that falls under the general category of ‘suffering.’ I’ve become less robot and more human, I suppose.

Really, what choice am I left with but to continue with what I’ve got each day? I’d like to think I’ll have a little bit more knowledge tomorrow, than I did today, and then a little bit more every day after that. So, I’m feeling hopeful about that, but not quite “normal” – if there ever is such a state for an addict.

Hoping this finds you and everyone on this site well,
– S

[sirena0215]

Hi Adele,

At work, I most definitely walk a tight rope between managing guilt and making things right. From the start, my counselor was concerned the work situation might hinder my healing. If I hadn’t learned to place gambling-related theft in the context of addiction, while also remaining accountable for my choices, I don’t think I would’ve been able to do my job or regain some measure of self-respect these last couple of months. I’m starting to wonder if I’m a masochist, though, since dealing with my wrongs on a daily basis comes with some unique hazards. I normally would be the one to write up the report to handle a situation like this, and basically had to help my employers write myself up. It has been an exercise in taking ownership, as well as learning to not buckle under the torture of guilt. The final formal documentation has been processed and life goes on until my review in December. I do still wake up in the middle of the night from horrible bouts of guilt and anger and deep, deep regret. But in the morning, I know I’ve got this, because no one else can make it right but me. And I so want to live up to my integrity again. That is what drives me the most when I think about gambling. My addiction destroyed my integrity once. And that is something I can simply never allow, or let happen ever again.

I feel there’s also a danger in idealizing a fresh start. So, I’m focusing on making my current situation work, while casting an equal eye towards new possibilities. I can’t deny that it’s been emotionally draining, though. In a normal year, I would have taken a vacation by now to recharge, but instead, I’ve been sick twice – had the flu and a cold after kicking that. I’ve been moving boxes of stuff into storage while cleaning up and rearranging my home office. The stacks of books, paperwork and clutter sitting in my living room for the past couple of months have also begun to shrink.

Mental techniques and discipline are strongly in place to deal with urges. Thoughts of winning money come up for me between 5-10 times each week, but after letting those irrational thoughts run their course, the practice of seeing myself losing all of those times and reminding myself of rock bottom and all the worst case scenarios I’ve memorized during GA meetings has been the norm. I hunt down each and every gambling thought/urge and ask “why do you think that?” answer, ask why again, and continue until I’ve answered every “why.” I also ask myself what I think winning more money, or chasing after lost money, is going to fix in my life. Then I calmly go back to doing the laundry or whatever it is I’m doing.

Even though my relationship with my boyfriend didn’t make it, I have a handful of girlfriends I’ve depended on since I was nine years old. My sisterhood of the traveling pants, if you will, without the pants. And I have been blessed with a cadre of dear friends I’ve made over the last 15 years, and a handful of mentors who’ve provided solid advice and support, and probably saved me from myself a few times. Being the black sheep in my family, I was never close to my parents and brother. My habit of adopting surrogate siblings and parents began when I was five.

My heartbreak and loss of a significant other is receding slowly, but making room now for the hope and possibility of meeting someone again someday. It is tough, and as it should be, but I no longer feel cut off from the support and love of those around me and feeling grateful to be in my hometown again. Accepting generosity and love in full measure is also tough for me, since I grew up in a family that did not share positive or loving feelings. Digging out of my many years of avoidance, re-imagining a new future, and creating slow forward momentum are the gifts I’m experiencing at the moment.

[sirena0215]

Thanks, Dan, likewise. I think we came onto the GT site at approximately the same time. That and a shared taste in movies/tv shows, there must be some relevant film/cinema as therapy experiences there.

It’s been a while, but yes, I did love The Mission. It has one of my favorite movie scores and composers (Ennio Marcone) of all time, and of course, DeNiro. On top of the personal/moral courage themes, I also remember poignant themes of redemption, which resonated with me quite strongly. I like about 95% of any movie DeNiro has been in – Midnight Run – lol! to the Godfather, etc.

I have so many favorites movies, so tend to remember them by category, but one of my all time favorite foreign films is Cinema Paradiso (epic coming of age story).

I haven’t been able to watch too much TV or movies lately, but on TV, I am really liking Sleepy Hollow to my pleasant surprise.

[sirena0215]

So glad you mentioned your Myers Briggs, Adele. I’m pulling my report now and finding the managing change section very helpful.

I’m an INTJ, with high out of preference expressiveness. My company paid for a step II assessment five years ago and this is a really good one to have if you get a chance, since it drills down a bit.

[sirena0215]

Have to admit that I really held back from taking up space on your thread about this, but since you brought it up ??

I found myself working through a lot of alarming and guilt-ridden thoughts about personal choice, evil, addiction, etc, through this show. And I’ve gotta agree with you. The writers really knew or researched addiction well. The fact that Walt finally admitted he enjoyed being Heisenberg, “And I was good at it!”, in that last episode was quite the ending. (I just had a vision of me yelling that out at my next GA meeting.)

Walt displayed those high risk, sensation seeking, action oriented traits that we CGs share, over and over again right? This was disturbing and fascinating to watch as I realized that I always had it in me to go off the rails (a version of Walt without the brilliant chemistry).

[sirena0215]

Here’s the one that really opened my eyes:

Ex-mayor of San Diego, Maureen O’Conner, wins and loses $1 Billion during a 10-year gambling binge:
https://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505263_162-57570670/

For me, no one exemplifies the CG truth that no amount will ever be enough, more than this poor lady. The only reason she stopped was because she ran out of $$ and ended up in court for embezzling $2 Million from her husband’s charity.

It saddens me that she wasn’t able to get the help she needed. What a tragedy.

[sirena0215]

Hi Adele,
I am on a break right now and will respond to your post on my thread in more detail, but wanted to drop a quick note.

I nearly choked on my piece of fruit when I read your therapist was making copies of your UCLA CG/PG literature and imagining your outspoken self holding back at that moment ?? I can only imagine your dissatisfaction? frustration? at this point, but am impressed with your stick-to-itiveness.

When I was looking for a CG therapist, I saw a few licensed therapists with Gambling Addiction training that offered Skype sessions in my state and wonder if anyone in your state is offering that service?

Be well my friend,
– S

[sirena0215]

Hi Adele,
OMG – I agree, we can’t go there about our long lost posts ?? Better to make some new posts now.

Thank you so much for re-posting your original message to me! It was a great help then and a great help now.

Yes, I am still working for my organization, and you guessed correctly, it would have been a disaster for me to leave during the time I was struggling with my initial recovery. After our annual conference ended, the Board met and one of the items on the agenda was my future with them. I had a very strong champion (not my boss) who really fought for me. So once again, I was given a reprieve until the beginning of December, when they will make a further assessment on my progress. They are taking things slowly and in small steps (rightly so). But this is also a transitional moment for me because there are very good reasons for me to be looking at other options that might provide a fresh start. I’m currently at about 50% below salary median at my experience level in similar positions at larger companies in LA and San Francisco. I’ve discussed this with my boss and told him there were two ways to go if I planned to repay him and all of my creditors in a 3-5 year time frame. So, one item that needed to be considered was finding a job with a significant salary increase, or secondly, getting a 2nd job to supplement my current one, if they decide to retain me beyond December (which appears to be on track). I’ll probably need to make a move in either direction in mid-November and trying to figure out the best course of action until then. There are obviously things I need to change in my life, including those underlying issues that triggered my addiction. This is a huge opportunity to make some important and critical changes.

By the way – I am very happy to hear you’ve begun counseling with your husband – that is a very important step. If your therapist ends up being a good fit, you’ll be surprised at how much progress you’ll be able to make with professional help. Your skepticism is healthy too. I’ve heard and read horror stories, although my own experience was superb. Sounds like you are keeping an open mind, so keep up the work. Sounds promising!

When you had originally asked about how I began my therapy, I mentioned that I called the 800-GAMBLER national hotline. They are all trained to address gambling addiction. They connected me to the Call to Change program (co-run by the UCLA Gambling Studies dept.) and I was able to receive 8 one-on-one phone sessions at no cost. My program ended two weeks ago and I was surprised at how much I miss my sessions with my counselor. (Like a baby bird leaving the nest.) She gave me the option to choose from a list of local therapists for 8 more in-person sessions at no charge, but I’ve yet to follow-up. On my phone sessions, they used the UCLA pamphlet (I think you’ve mentioned maybe seeing this on the UCLA gambling studies website). I also went to local GA meetings weekly (big help the first month, less effective and helpful as time went by), and also did a ton of internet research on GA, group therapy, addiction therapy, addiction theory, etc. By the time I had gone to my 3rd GA meeting, I knew which pieces were working well for me in group and figured out what was working for me well outside of group and one-on-one therapy.

The reason I was able to get through so much of the work in that first month was due in large part to past meditation practices, training in visualization techniques, and physical/mental discipline (all through martial arts over the last 30 years). All of this stuff translated into much the same skills needed to identify triggers, formulate and follow through on self-binding techniques (all the barriers we need to create for ourselves to prevent a relapse/recurrence), creating clear goals, developing self-awareness and mindfulness, making self-corrections, and cultivating a motivated mindset. Many other vehicles like Yoga, painting, team or individual sports, music, etc., would do the trick also (although maybe some practices are certainly more effective in certain areas, like for instance, mindfulness – Buddhists have a 2,000 year tradition in active contemplation and unbroken studies of the mind, so that’s where I’ve gone to get most of my mindfulness training), but I highly recommend working through any hobby, art or sustained activity that gets to the skillsets that develop mind/body.
So for you, Adele, here’s my process in a nutshell:
1) establish a clear goal, and believe me, you won’t get to this one until you’re completely honest with yourself (see my notes below on the last bet I ever made*)
2) establish new mental models
3) identify the strongest, deepest motivation to achieve the goal (quit gambling)

*The last time I made a bet in a casino was on July 31, 2013 during an exercise to determine and prove to myself once and for all that I was still in control, or not in control, of my gambling. With a free play card of $300, and not a dime to my name, I told myself that IF I was able to walk out with at least $20 in my pocket, then I was still in control. I lost everything. Until that moment, I still believed I might be okay. But on the heels of absolute proof that I had lost control of my situation, I forced myself to sit calmly for 5 minutes as people walked by to absorb this truth. I sat there until I accepted it. I was addicted, and I couldn’t deny it. I walked out of the casino that day wanting out of that madness for good and found myself in my boss’s office the next morning. Another week later, I self-excluded from both casinos within driving distance. Long and drawn out discussions rarely take place in my head. Once the goal to QUIT was established, the only thing left to do was to figure out how.

During my research the first two weeks, I also went through a ton of Psychology Today articles on addiction. I probably started with this one: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200411/addiction-pay-attention

I also found some really devastating stories in a darker, grittier publication called The Fix:
https://thefix.com/search/site/gambling

If you ever get to the contending arguments on disease based theories of addiction, these were two articles I found helpful:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/addicted-brains/201205/addiction-disease-or-not


https://www.thefix.com/content/addiction-DSM-5-diagnosis-brain-disease-compulsion8091

I may not get back to posting for a few days so I threw in as many references I could and hopefully it improves upon our earlier thread.

Have a great weekend!
– S

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