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Good to hear from you, Adele. I’m in the middle of the busiest work week of the year, so little writing opportunities recently, and also still processing some very important new learning from the last two weeks. Maybe it’s you who should share your recipes with me, since I’m sticking to very simple pastas and a variety of salads ??
Hi Betty,
Thank you for re-posting your readings and some of the old posts for the newcomers on the site, like me. After a tough week of being ‘in between’ and also settling into my second month of recovery, the 3 readings were very helpful. Thanks again. SirenaHi Betty,
Thank you for re-posting your readings and some of the old posts for the newcomers on the site, like me. After a tough week of being ‘in between’ and also settling into my second month of recovery, the 3 readings were very helpful. Thanks again. SirenaHey Dan – wow! That is a significant insight you gained from a simple metaphor. (Not mine by the way, just heard it somewhere.)
How you describe chasing was almost like being inside my head, and all of the Compulsive Gamblers reading this will surely attest to that. Yes, Danchaser, you nailed it. "Put your sledgehammer down, keep your hands up, and back away from the casino tables slowly."
You reminded me of how the winning felt great at first. I think it was someone on this forum who posted that when Kelsey Grammar was interviewed about his ******* addiction and asked about his regrets, he said he never regretted any of it because he felt f’–ng great while he was doing it. Like most of us, my excitement was fueled by increasing amounts of winning and wagers.
Looking back, however, the increase in excitement and increase in gambling was inversely proportionate to the decrease in excitement from other (healthier) parts of my life. These healthier parts disappeared and left big holes for the addiction to sweep in and fill. I study those healthy parts of my life that disappeared very closely now. The autopsy helps me with my recovery. It happened over many years, but the lack of excitement and the absence of joy in my life were the truer sources of my addiction. There were others, and they all progressed over time, but I am reminded that an important one was excitement. Where’d that all go? And then the gambling fun turns into that monstrous realization we all face in the end. One of the most demoralizing experiences we go through is that walk of shame after it stops being fun and we lose everything. To top it off, those of us in denial and still unaware of our addiction always walk out thinking, "What the **** is wrong with me?!" "What happened just now?" "Am I slowly going insane?" I say yes to that last one, though. Especially because there are only a few possible endings to our road as Compulsive Gamblers: prison, death, insanity. Recovery, as you mention Danchaser: Recovery is never-ending.
Celebrating your victory and breakthrough as if it were my own. – S– 9/6/2013 9:15:14 AM: post edited by Sirena0215.
Greetings Soliloquy,
You have taken a really big step. You’ve decided to get professional treatment and reached out for support from others, as hard as that was for you. It also sounds like you are ready to make a change by sharing your story. As Bettie says, there is no one here who has not been where you are. Some of us are just a little bit further down the road, and we will all tell you the same thing: What you are feeling now, you will not always feel. I am a very private person, and talking to others during my first week of recovery (36 days ago) was a tremendous help. So, however you can find a way to talk to other Compulsive Gamblers or support community…it may take time and effort, but the benefits will far outweigh the potential discomfort. Take care and good thoughts your way.You’re so right, Danchaser. Our underlying issues, and working on our ‘thing’ after our initial gambling crises requires some different thinking and methods. I’ve had to put down the sledgehammer and pick up the chisel, and this phase of work seems a lot harder to me, because as you say, it is now all about the long days. I definitely relate to your frustration and so glad you’re able to get it off your chest here. And I really do hope this isn’t as good as it gets!
None of us ever planned on becoming compulsive gamblers. I’ve certainly opened my eyes to the fact that this addiction can bring down the best of us, as well as the most fragile of us. But I do hope that after the work is done, that those things we are longing for, like strength, meaning, renewed sense of purpose, and a measure of peace can be found. It took most of us years to get where we are, so I doubt progress ever happens quickly or in a straight line.
I hope your next goal is a worthy one that will make you whole.
Ps, also sad BB is ending so soon, but I’m looking forward to Homeland too! Will check out House of Cards.– 9/2/2013 8:48:26 PM: post edited by Sirena0215.– 9/3/2013 2:37:11 AM: post edited by Sirena0215.Yesterday marked my one month anniversary of recovery.
This last week was about acceptance, grieving, and a slow, inevitable move from immediate crisis to the real work of rewiring my daily thoughts and behavior. Brief bursts of bawling still hit me out of the blue while I was driving, or I’d find myself sniffling into my bowl of soup while watching Breaking Bad. I only had one instance of waking up in the middle of the night with a heavy chest and needing to get my breathing under control this week. But I allowed these short fits of emotion and anxiety to pass. Most importantly, I remembered to acknowledge whatever feelings were coming up for me. I understood that I was crying for the loss of the past, as I fired off emails to co-workers about meetings and events, two months from now, that will not include me.
I also started to watch Breaking Bad from the first season all the way through to the current season, and it has been fantastic therapy! A little passive, but cathartic and riveting, to say the least, and I so enjoyed watching a former mild-mannered suburban father and high school chemistry teacher, turned meth-lab **** lord, undergo one of the most villainous transformations on TV. I read a great article about what makes a person bad, “…— his actions, his motives, or his conscious decision to be a bad person? Judging from the trajectory of its first three seasons, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan believes the answer is option No. 3.” (https://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6763000/bad-decisions.)
This week I also started to **** – as in food – not Breaking Bad “****ing" . This was quite a shock, as I’d never had any interest in ****ing my entire life. I was never food motivated, and usually the slowest eater at the table. Until recently, I often found myself skipping meals. And then seven days ago, I started preparing and ****ing every meal for myself, every day. My therapist and I believe it’s an expression of nurturing behavior, re-learning how to care for myself, and taking the time to slow things down. I enjoy cutting and dicing, the visceral experience of handling the food, and the process of preparing a healthy meal. It’s a soothing and meditative practice that I am coming back to, through a new activity, transferring some of the meditation skills learned from a lifelong avocation in the martial arts.
So with these fairly normal and minor activities, the daily restructuring of my physiological and psychological well-being had begun.
I also told my therapist that, with the exception of one instance of thoughts about my unused free play this month, I was a little confused that I wasn’t experiencing more gambling cravings. She explained that once a CG has been able to make the connections between their addiction and the underlying causes, then the cravings naturally start to drop off. I said, “Okay, and then what?” My perceptive counselor asked, “And then what about ‘what’? Do you mean, specifically, what happens after our calls end, or what happens next week? Or…?” I beat around the bush a little bit by clarifying the first items, but came around to my real fears.
My real fears came up whenever I started to think about the future and the unknown. Like every normal human being would in my position, I suppose, I was struggling with where I would be working and living in two months. I’d been running or hiding from making changes in my life for many years, and I’d come to a place where all of that work started all over again. What happens now? The answer is I don’t know. It’s a little less scary to admit that this week. I just need to continue to keep breathing and to keep ****ing for now.– 9/2/2013 7:51:04 AM: post edited by Sirena0215.